Relationship Management
How does emotional intelligence help with better relationships?
Relationships are a necessity of life. Through childhood and school, at least in the UK, children are taught taking turns, offered correctives when behaviour goes against the rules, and potentially have some lessons on relationships and wellbeing. Some children take these lessons to heart and are adept at social skills and interacting with others. Having good social skills, both that of social awareness and relationship management, often go hand in hand with academic success1. It might be stating the obvious, but poor relationship management impacts a person’s future, not just in terms of isolation and poor relationships, but also in terms of career prospects.
I’m currently exploring four elements of Emotional Intelligence (EI for short but also known as EQ) and how we can develop our EI to improve both our wellbeing and our relationships. While there is some research to suggest that there is a percentage of people who may be unable to develop their EI for various reasons, I’ll be aiming this series at the majority of people who have some emotional awareness and an ability to build on that foundation.
EI as defined by Daniel Goleman is said to comprise of Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management. Goleman defines Relationship Management as the ability to effectively build relationships, communicate, and work with others.
Good relationship management builds on the skills of self awareness - how well you know yourself and how others perceive you, self management - being able to recognise and regulate your own emotions, and social awareness - being able to gauge your environment and recognise the emotions, needs and perspectives of others. Without these other aspects of emotional intelligence, relationship management is hindered.
The Basics of Relationship Management
Books, podcasts, movies… in fact every art form explores relationships. The complexity of human connection is far beyond the scope of this little blog post! However there are some basics to human connection that can provide a foundation to building relationships that are at least positive, and, if given enough time, go beyond chit chat.
One of the foundational elements of any relationship is trust, and, this comes with some risk and a sense of vulnerability. As Brené Brown puts it, to have real connection we have to let ourselves be seen - really seen.
If you’ve not watched Brené Brown talk about vulnerability or read any of her books on the subject then take 20 minutes to watch the video below and it will be more valuable then anything else I write in this post.
Learn to see others as people who have dignity and are worth your time - even when it seems like they’re providing evidence to the contrary. Relationship building takes time but will founder right at the start if you are trying to rush through every conversation or not giving your full attention to the person in front of you.
This leads to the skill of listening - or as is now a popular term - actively listening. Put that phone down. Be curious as to what the person in front of you is saying, how they are feeling, their body language, and their tone. Ask questions to clarify what they mean, don’t just listen to respond or tell them what you think. Don’t rush into advising or offering up your own story. See the person in front of you as someone who can learn from.
Humility is another foundational element of relationship management. Humility is not about hiding yourself or self-deprecation just as vulnerability isn’t about oversharing or not having personal boundaries. Humility, especially in relationship management, is recognising that you are not the only person in the conversation. You might have what you think is good advice, or a related story that is even better than what you’ve just heard, but humility is recognising when saying something is for your benefit rather than for the benefit of the other person. Unsolicited advice, no matter how well intentioned, is rarely received well! One-upping another person’s story generally makes you look like a jerk. Humility is recognising that you can learn from anyone, even those you might have a position of authority over.
What about conflict?
While relationships require vulnerability, it is not without risk. All healthy relationships will have conflict at some point. In fact, a relationship without conflict is unlikely to be one that is built on trust, humility, and vulnerability and is more likely to be hiding anger, resentment, and defensiveness.
Conflict isn’t the issue, how we deal with conflict is. The Gottman Institute is an excellent resource for developing relationship management, both for work and for intimate relationships. Their 6 steps2 for navigating conflict are very helpful and highlight the importance of trust, humility, and vulnerability as the foundation for healthy conflict:
Practice physiological self-soothing - allow yourselves to take a 20 minute break when things get too heated, breathe deeply, go for a walk... do whatever it takes to help you regulate your emotions.
Use a softened startup - don’t blame, be specific about the issue and the impact, go back to step one if you aren’t ale to speak gently.
Repair and de-escalate - this isn’t a fight you want to win, but a relationship you want to keep. Seek to understand and be understood. Keep to the specific issue and its impact. Take responsibility and say I’m sorry as soon as possible.
Listen to your partner’s underlying feelings and dreams
Accept influence - a key sign of humility is not needing to be right all the time and learning to learn form the other person.
Compromise - “Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something… the important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.” Dr Gottman
Another blog post will be needed for navigating conflict. I’ll be writing one in future as I’m currently reading “Smart Conflict” by Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst - see link below in Other Resources.
Tools to develop relationship management
Andi Roberts, an executive coach who I connected with online and has far more experience training and coaching others in EI, has shared eight tools for developing relationship management. Each one can be found on his blog with detailed ideas of how to go about each one and case studies but I’ll summarise four of them here:
Relationship Audit - Reflect on your key relationships that impact your life and work and review, how connected you are, whether the relationship is healthy or strained, and decide on small steps that can be taken in a short time frame to in one of these relationships that help repair or strengthen them.
Check In - when was the last time you just picked up the phone or dropped in on someone with no agenda but just to show they matter to you? Little connections go a long way.
Honesty lite - Recognising something has gone awry or caused emotion doesn’t have to get into a full-blown conflict. A little bit of honesty without oversharing can go a long way in defusing something that could blow up in the future. It also expresses vulnerability and gives an opportunity for deeper connection. E.g: “The feedback you gave felt overly critical and made me frustrated as I’m now not clear on what is expected and I want to do this well.”
Micro Acknowledgements - Find moments in your day to simple appreciate or encourage people around you. Do not expect anything in return, but aim to be specific and direct in what you are appreciating the person for.
Conclusion
Relationships require effort and presence to be healthy. Some people are lucky to be naturally able to maintain relationships and they do a lot of what has been discussed without much thought or effort. However most of us know of one or two relationships in our lives that could do with some investment, and hopefully this post provides some resources to do that. It may be that you’ve never particularly reflected on how you show up to relationships, and so it might be more helpful to spend some more time working on your self awareness and or self management.
Developing Emotional Intelligence is a lifelong learning journey and cannot be mastered in a day, but there is good evidence to suggest that the vast majority of people can develop EI if they are willing to spend time on it.
As I’ve said in each post, far more can, and has been written on Emotional Intelligence and I’m sure I’ll be blogging on it more here too in future. I hope these articles have been helpful to you and that you are able to make the most of the resources shared.
Other Resources:
I’m currently training to be a coach. If you’re curious about what coaching is or you’re interested in being coached by me, please do get in touch.