Thortz

Doctor Who - A Pleasant Melancholy

peeeeeeet — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 20:20:56 GMT

Here is me playing the piano, specifically a bit of improvisation around the Doctor Who theme:

Ahahahaha

peeeeeeet — Tue, 02 May 2017 11:51:58 GMT

... Aaand that's why automatic keyword retweet bots are a silly idea

If Your LJ Friends Jumped Under A Bus Would You

peeeeeeet — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 17:26:28 GMT

So I have a Dreamwidth thing it is here:

http://peeeeeeet.dreamwidth.org

I will probably be winding up the LJ (COS I HAVE POSTED SO MUCH LATELY) and posting over there. If you have a dreamwidth account you have to tell me, it's like cops and sex workers in movies, only a simile. IT'S A SIMILE. ~~(Though if I thought people would tip me I would be all over Chaturbate)~~

Doctor Who comes back soon. It has a Prince-t-shirt-wearing lesbian-with-an-Afro companion, and yet ODDLY I am not that excited. Mainly because after this season Chinballs takes over and will cast a boring Doctor and write rubbish episodes.

The Empire Strikes Back - Rare First Draft

peeeeeeet — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 20:40:08 GMT

peeeeeeet — Wed, 11 Jan 2017 16:22:08 GMT

Roootin' around the hard drive looking for abandoned WIPs I found that I had attempted to do a modern update of the Two Ronnies' "Answering the question before last" sketch. I didn't complete it because you might be surprised to hear that it was incredibly difficult. Anyway I thought you might exhale a small amount of air through your nose if I posted here as far as I got. My only real endeavour was to finish with an obscene joke about Margaret Thatcher, I think you will agree that I avoided abject failure on that score at least.

Who famously had two jags?

???

In an unauthorised biography, David Cameron was accused of committing a lewd act with what animal?

John Prescott.

Donald Trump is hoping to become what?

A pig.

What career path is most commonly followed by those who leave school with no qualifications?

The President of the United States.

What reason was given for the recall of Kayne West's last album?

Garbage collection.

???

It still needed some work.

...

What company has the government recently been trying to save from closure?

???

What did Humphrey Bogart famously say at the end of Casablanca?

Tata.

What is the tagline of the film "The Human Centipede?"

This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

???

"Their flesh is his fantasy".

...

Who is the leader of the muppets?

Jeremy Corbin.

Which film star has made three attempts to climb Everest?

Kermit the Frog.

Who sits at the front of a rowing team and calls instructions?

Brian Blessed.

When she retired from politics, what did Margaret Thatcher say she would miss the most?

The cox.

Arrival

peeeeeeet — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 19:07:10 GMT

Something that bugs me about Arrival

... it's implied that when Amy Adams develops a deep understanding of the heptapod's language, it opens up new possiblities in her brain that allows her to flash-forward to later her own life. But unless I'm totally mistaken, she has those flashforwards from really close to the start of the film, before she sees a single projected glyph by either Abbot or Costello. HOW COME?

I have other problems with it, it doesn't really stand up to a lot of thought and wossname Renner's character is woefully underdeveloped (I don't even know what his actual role at the project is, they pretty much just call him "SCIENTIST" and leave it at that) and taking a white-board to write on up to the spaceship is not a sign that Amy is a maverick genius, I think anyone might think of doing that. And a zero-sum game is NOT a win-win situation, Texas Hold Them is a zero-sum game and is not a win-win situation. There is also not much chemistry between Amy and the Renner man and Forrest Thingy is just a cardboard army stereotype, and that's about it for characters who get more than a coupla dozen lines.

OK so that turned into a mini rant but mainly I would like an answer to my first question persons who have seen the film THANK YOU

ETA: OH WAIT HANG ON, did she actually say NON-Zero-sum game in the film? If so I retract that one complaint

"What if feelz but too much?" - A San Junipero commentary / picspam of joy

peeeeeeet — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 22:39:29 GMT

OK so I may have become a little obsessed with the Black Mirror episode "San Junipero", released on Netflix last week. (If you haven't seen it yet, DO NOT READ THIS. INSTEAD, CONSIDER WATCHING THE EPISODE. WITH YOUR EYES AND NETFLIX AND VISUAL CORTEX. There are going to be spoilers.) I'm not the only one; plenty of people on social meeeeeja loved it, were moved to tears and consider it one of the best bits of telly for aaaages. Some of these people are quite unlikely too, such as the Scottish comedian "Daft Limmy", who said "That San Junipero episode of Black Mirror is one of the top 10 things I've ever watched in my whole life." Not only its fans are unlikely, either. Nothing Charlie Brooker has written before anticipated it, not even "Be Right Back", the previous award holder of "not the most depressingly bleak episode of Black Mirror". Some people have pointed out that it comes at a perfect time, during a year in which the killing off of queer women characters in telly shows reached saturation point. Check out Autostaddle's definitive guide if you haven't already:

http://www.autostraddle.com/all-65-dead-lesbian-and-bisexual-characters-on-tv-and-how-they-died-312315/

You might say "San Junipero" isn't a conscious reaction to this, given that it was in development before this blew up. But the "Bury Your Gays" trope (I won't link to TV Tropes, thank me later) has been building for a long ass time and Brooker is easily media-savvy enough to have been aware of it. That he wrote a happy ending for a lesbian/bi couple is great. That they get the happiest ending Black Mirror has available is astonishing. This puts it best:

http://possibilistfanfiction.tumblr.com/post/152231091766/almost-every-show-on-tv-see-those-lesbians-what#152231091766

almost every show on tv: see those lesbians? what a great representation. we are gonna kill them now, cause isn't this realistic??

black mirror, a show with literally none happy endings whatsoever: this beautiful interracial wlw couple is gonna live forever.

almost every show on tv: but-

black mirror: FOREVER

... made even better if you imagine the last word as sung in the Vicar of Dibley theme:

But it isn't just a heart-warming queer lagoon in the middle of an otherwise disturbing season. It's one of the most densely packed episodes of TV I can remember, with almost every moment doing two or three things at once, many of them not apparent on a first watch or operating subconsciously. So, because I like to smash up things I love, we're going to go through this, Lego brick by Lego brick, looking at the deftness of the writing, cinematography, direction and performances.

"Camp engages in a redefinition of cultural meaning through a juxtaposition of an outmoded past alongside that which is technologically, stylistically, and sartorially contemporary." - Andrew Ross

1. When The Night Falls Down

Unlike some episodes we don't get a "cold open" scene before the episode title, so this caption doubles as a location marker. In the background we can hear waves lapping, which we then cut to.

(Google maps informs me that the only place in our cold, stoopid world called San Junipero is a street in California called San Junipero Drive. It's not very gay. The sainted Junípero Serra himself was an 18th century Franciscan friar canonised by Pope Francis around this time last year, despite opposition from some native Americans who felt that his role in their ancestors' forced conversion was maybe not the loveliest thing ever. According to wikipedia, a state senator tried to get a bill through to replace a statue of Serra with one of bisexual astronaut Sally Ride, but it was kicked into the long grass (the bill, not the statue). It's almost as if Brooker went, "no, leave the statue where it is, I'll just paint a MASSIVE FUCKING RAINBOW on it". Or maybe he just thought San Junipero sounded like the typical name of a Californian town. I don't know.)

Our first time marker comes with a shot of a cinema poster of The Lost Boys, released in the summer of 1987. It's a horror film (so far, so Black Mirror), but it also falls into the "eighties nostalgia" hybrid-genre due to its brace of Coreys, and other famous eighties kid actors. Eighties nostalgia is in this year, but more than some shows - hi, Stranger Things - "San Junipero" is partly about nostalgia at the level of theme. In this shot are the main colours of our palette, pastel pink and turquoise. As the shot develops we see they belong to the disco "Tucker's", and we hear Belinda Carlisle singing "Heaven is a Place on Earth".

As this point it's worth introducing a couple of ideas. Firstly, I have a pet theory that in the most satisfying stories, moments in the first half are balanced by harmonic moments in the second half, and the point at which something appears mirrors the point at which it's returned to; that is, the earlier in the first half something is introduced, the later in the second half the moment of balance should ideally come. I'm going to call these pairings "balance points", though I'm prepared to accept there might already be a posh technical term I don't know about. Therefore, one of the reasons that the use of this song at the end is so powerful is its early seeding here.

Second, there's a convention that left-to-right travel across the screen denotes travelling on an outward journey, right-to-left back home. You see this in for example the Lord of the Rings movies. It's probably because in the west we read from left to right. Yes, it's a subconscious thing, but think how odd it is when a side-scrolling platformer scrolls from right to left. I mention this because we now see our heroine, Yorkie, enter the screen from the left walking to the right. She's not home, she's on a journey, she's got somewhere to be.

But she doesn't know it yet, because she hesitates. The sound of the radio is replaced with ambient music and sound, including her own sigh. This environment isn't hers, yet.

While we're still on her we hear Kelly's voice, establishing that she only wants to have some fun. As we do, the close ups on Yorkie reveal that her colours are pastel pink and turquoise, like the club. Perhaps she belongs here after all, or will. Meanwhile, the background is out-of-focus, detached, abstract.

Kelly is introduced walking towards us, the background in focus, before heading off to the left. She belongs here, or at least we think she does. Wes says "we've only got a couple of hours, so let's use it". The important of time as a valuable and limited resource will be focussed on as the story develops, but here it's not given any particular prominence; we have no reason to believe that the world we're looking at literally stops at midnight, at least for these characters. Kelly heads into the pink and turquoise portal. Yorkie, of course, follows. Once inside, she moves from right to left. She sticks out amongst the clientele, but perhaps belongs here more than the rest of the party-goers do.

WE LOVE THIS GUY. He just wants to talk video games. "It's got different endings... depending on if you're in one or two player". Here he lays out the central dynamic of the story. He recommends "Top Speed", in which a red car crashes. Yorkie doesn't like this. Red (and crashing) cars will also recur, but the one this one most resembles doesn't show up until the end of the episode. Balance again, and also redemption: Yorkie turns a car that crashes into one that doesn't, and one that she refuses to take control of into one where she is firmly in the driving seat.

Yorkie says she just wants to get her bearings. Right now, we're reading her character, trying to fit her into an established type. It's not too hard: she's tall, socially awkward but pretty; and she's a redhead in the eighties, so there's a dollop of Molly Ringwald.

It's also not hard to interpret the "meet cute" scene that follows with Kelly, in which Yorkie helps her get away from a creepy guy by claiming she has five months to live. She's the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, perhaps she takes the awkward girl under her wing and shows her that without the glasses, she's hot. We might also, depending on how savvy we are, be thinking she's the greedy, hedonistic bisexual stereotype who doesn't do "feelings". Maybe, we're thinking, Yorkie is the closeted baby-dyke afraid to come out to her folks. These are all reasonable assumptions from this and several subsequent scenes, but they're completely wrong: Yorkie isn't confused or bicurious, and she already came out to her folks; Kelly had a monogamous long-term relationship. This is what the screenwriter J Michael Straczynski once called "falling for the okey-doke" - you think you're a step ahead of the writer, but you're not. Straczynski gave us one of the earliest long-form examples of this on TV in Babylon 5's Londo Mollari. He's also co-creator of Netflix's Sense8 which has a couple in it not a million miles away from Kelly and Yorkie; Gugu Mbatha-Raw and her opposite number in that show, Freema Agyemen, played sisters on Doctor Who; and Sense8's other co-creators, the Wachowskis, as well as been as queer as a jug of giraffes, gave us The Matrix. Finally, there's a similar intentionally misleading character-dynamic towards the start of one of my favourite films, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a film that explores environments that exist only in the mind and which turns out to be surprisingly romantic compared to the other output of its writer, another cynic called Charlie. None of this is particularly relevant, but it shows how a viewer interprets what they see by pulling in things that seem to work in harmony.

"Five months to live", by the way, is actually a cautious estimate, if the rest of the episode is anything to go by. Possibly at this point we're wondering if the twist is indeed that Yorkie is dying. This is also misdirection; the actual twist is that they're both reaching the end of their lives. We're five minutes in at this point, and at the "balance point" five minutes from the end, Kelly is wrestling with the dilemma of what to do about her own passing.

"Do I have to red-light you?" Kelly asks Wes. Another part of the okey-doke for a sci-fi anthology show is the game of what, exactly is the sci-fi part and how does it factor in to what we're seeing. The line is specific enough to hint that the eighties we're looking at is on some level ersatz, but not specific enough to guarantee it. Some Black Mirror episodes lay it out early on, this one derives some of its interest on first watch from drip-feeding the ideas. Given that this is a character-driven story rather than plot-driven like "Hated in the Nation", that's a good idea. It encourages you to pay closer attention.

(It's worth pausing here a moment to note how odd it is that in a lot of publicity for the show, including the early pre-publicity for season three, this still has been used to represent the season instead of a more typical Black-Mirrory shot culled from an episode such as "Men Against Fire" or "Playtest". Perhaps they sensed that this was going to be a special episode. Or perhaps they just thought that Gugu was rocking that purple jacket, and the world needed to know.)

By the way, I love the moment when Kelly mishears "Yorkie" as "Yurgie". I love my fictional characters to have odd names. While we're on names, Kelly calls the bar-tender "blondie", which he scoffs at. Does he not know? Has he not looked in a virtual mirror? Is he bald in his other life? Why is he even working, anyway? Does he enjoy it? Or is he a simulated avatar? Has she just broken his programming by causing him to ponder the philosophy of hair?

2. I Wait For You And You Come Around

While at the bar, Kelly explicitly does what we're doing. "I'm... regarding you." She decides that the glasses are an affectation, but an appropriate one, and the rest of Yorkie's ensemble is authentic. There's quite a bit to unpack here. Since the world is virtual, there is presumably no need for glasses. On the other hand, while everyone else is cosplaying the eighties and trying too hard, Yorkie is being herself. We later conclude that Yorkie probably doesn't remember dressing much differently; she's just stepped out of the eighties as well as just stepped into them. Kelly, we might later conclude, enjoys the eighties at least partly in a detached, ironic manner. However, the surface reading works, too; even during the actual eighties, or any other time, most people dress to fit in.

While she's being regarded, pink and turquoise Yorkie is framed by pink and turquoise neon and even the glasses, that do nothing else, reflect the same colours like a mirror. Everything about her effortlessly fits. A trope subversion - she doesn't need to remove the glasses to be attractive. But we'll come back to that.

"Dance floors aren't my thing." Another okey-doke; we think it's confirming that she's a shy ingénue. In the other world, she's actually tetraplegic. It's not quite at the balance point, but at the end she'll be just as at ease as Kelly on the dance-floor. This isn't just a queer love story or a biracial love story, it's also a senior-citizen love story and, in its own, idiosyncratic way, a love story about disability (others are more qualified than me to develop that part of the analysis, so I'll leave it there).

Meanwhile, we get a series of beautiful POV shots that serve to emphasise the relationship between the two characters despite how far apart they currently are. This extreme version of shot reverse shot is fairly common these days, but used to be a signature of Jonathan Demme, as in the famous Clarice / Hannibal scene in The Silence of the Lambs. It serves to ramp up the intensity of the moment by drawing us into it, but also positions the characters as equal audience-surrogates, making Kelly a co-protagonist from this point. But Yorkie is still favoured, the slow-motion and ambient sound bringing back her sense of alienation from the opening sequence.

"You're stupid!" "Thank you!" Later, Kelly will greet Yorkie in the other world with "Hello, stoopid!" Outside, in the rain-soaked, neon-soaked back alley, we get a taste of Yorkie's back-story. To us, it sounds like her family is very strict. To Kelly it must seem extraordinary, knowing that Yorkie must be old or dead. She presumably thinks by family Yorkie means her children. (At the balance point, we hear about Kelly losing her daughter and her husband's refusal to come to San Junipero.) But Kelly comes on too strong and is rejected. (At the balance point, Yorkie comes on too strong and is rejected.) And... scene.

I didn't pick up on it on first watch, but in the background to this caption, you can hear muffled voices and machinery, perhaps our first flavour of the other world.

A clothes change montage, including an explicit Molly Ringwald reference! A little meta-textual humour, perhaps, on a second watch, once we realise that people in San Junipero can change clothes at will and thus we might be watching this happen in something a lot closer to real-time than we first thought. Each "look" is without the glasses except her default look, a variation of which she eventually returns to. Significantly, though, whereas for example her "Addicted to Love" look resembles an extra from that video, her default look is introduced by "Girlfriend in a Coma". In hindsight it seems like a obvious clue, but it passed me by completely on first watch (probably because I was too busy going "Yay! The Smiths!"). The return of her default look, though, is accompanied by "Wishing Well". So something has changed: she's gone from dwelling on her present predicament to wondering about a better future.

Meanwhile, Kelly is still trying to shake off Wes. We start to get bigger clues now. "The locals? They're like... dead people. [...] I don't want some kind of boring romance, OK? Like, Jesus, 'put us in a retirement home' deal." The song playing in Tucker's is "Living in a Box" (A song by Living in a Box... Boxception!). A bar-bore tells Kelly that "both my kneecaps had kind of just worn down". While on the dance-floor, INXS tell us "All you got is this moment / The 21st Century's yesterday".

In the bathroom, Yorkie and Kelly are separated by the gap between two mirrors. "Just make this easy for me," says Yorkie.

Kelly reaches out, making a connection; but in the mirrors, both are still visibly distinct. At the balance point, in the other world, Kelly asks Greg if she can make a brief, unauthorised connection with Yorkie. Driving away from the disco, Kelly tells Yorkie "I'm a tourist, just like you." Shortly after, they're run off the road. At the balance point, Greg tells Kelly in the other world about Yorkie's accident.

3. And The World's Alive

Kelly's home-from-home is an empty beach house. (They enter it from right-to-left.) It reminds me of the important role an empty beach house plays in Eternal Sunshine. Yorkie picks up a photo of Kelly's daughter, assuming it's Kelly's mother. Kelly doesn't correct her, but does pull her in for a kiss. We can't know this now, but perhaps there's a part of Kelly that never fully accepted her loss, that this moment in particular and San Junipero in general is an escape from things she isn't ready to face up to. At the balance point, Kelly kisses the forehead of Yorkie, their first physical contact in that world.

As an aside, I like that the sex scene isn't overlong and explicit. I have nothing against nudity, but I do tend to think that contemporary television gets carried away with its freedom to be edgier than used to be allowed, with the excuse that it's more adult.

The next scene is dark. Not "edgy" dark, or "TV dark" where there are still lots of lights on (Elementary, I'm looking at you - wouldn't like to see Sherlock's electricity bill), but dark as in we're using our rods and not our cones. As a result the image is naturally desaturated. At the balance point there is also an absence of hue, but by contrast the facility is all whites and greys. Kelly tells us about her bisexuality, her husband who didn't stick around, and how she's just here to have a good time. "Time's nearly up," and we get a sudden burst of colour from the alarm clock that says 11:59pm, evoking both Groundhog Day (another story that uses a fantasy concept to tell a love story) and Cinderella. "Then let's lie here," replies Yorkie. She's been just lying somewhere for decades, but now that Kelly's there with her, it's all she wants to do. We watch as the clock changes to midnight, and suddenly it's one week later again. End of act one.

4. With The Sound Of Kids On The Street Outside

Yorkie heads straight into Tucker's, but Kelly's not there, possibly because she would be ashamed to be seen with someone sporting double denim. She's advised to try The Quagmire, a place of both giggity giggity and giggity goo. Also snek! My first real complaint is that this place could be edgier, or at least more overtly hedonistic. Still, the point is made.

Yorkie bumps into Wes there, who quickly reads her: "You too, huh." He advises she try a different time, the first real indication of the nature of this place. Oddly he doesn't recommend 1983, the year of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". I guess they couldn't get the rights? Thus begins another montage.

One thing that appears to be established here is that part-timers at least can't switch eras mid-stream, so Yorkie's quest to locate Kelly takes several real-life weeks. Amusing era-appropriate caption fonts add another, more immediate layer. In 1980, there's an old car advert playing. In the nineties, multiple Alanises (Alanes?) are mucking about in a car, which is dangerous and they should know better. Although we don't hear it, the lyrics open with an unfortunate story about an old man who wins the lottery and dies the next day. In fact, most of the lyrics have something to say about the story, but Yorkie isn't listening, which is a little too ironic, don't ya think? This era's teen horror film is the painfully self-aware Scream, and it's during this sequence that I realise I still dress like it's the nineties.

She finally tracks Kelly down to 2002 where she is playing with Video Game Guy, who just looks so happy and I want to cuddle him. Yorkie accuses Kelly of hiding from her. "How is this your era?" How is it anyone's? Did they even have music in 2002? (Yes, I know "Can't Get You Out of My Head" is playing. It was released in 2001. I do, though, at this point wonder whether the DJ is trolling the characters. Maybe God is the DJ.) Did they have anything? If you wanted to pick a non-year, it's a great choice. (Gugu is still rocking the look, though, damn her.) Kelly tries to tell Yorkie she feels nothing, but she's lying. At the dead centre of the story, she punches the mirror and it cracks. The brief opening credits for Black Mirror show glass cracking, but after we tilt down to see Kelly is physically unharmed, we tilt back up to see the mirror whole and restored. For once, this Black Mirror refuses to stay broken. Time for the second half of the story.

Yorkie is sitting on the edge of the roof. "Please tell me you've got your pain sliders set to zero." Although by this stage we're sure we're looking at a virtual world, this is arguably the biggest indicator that they're not time travellers instead. They also discuss how many of San Junipero's clientèle are "full-timers", i.e. actually dead - Kelly suggests at least 80%. She adds, "I don't know how long there is," the first hint that she is dying.

They go to the beach house. It's brighter, warmer, than before, more like a real home. Kelly tells Yorkie she is dying of cancer, and that she isn't going to stay in San Junipero full time. When asked why, she says that when her husband died two years ago, he refused to do so himself. As they discuss this, the shallow focus causes the background to become more abstract than ever before, San Junipero dissolving into a mere idea, something distant and conceptual. This reminds me of the way Canal Street was shot in the first few episodes of Queer As Folk UK, turning an ordinary Manchester road into something bigger, deeper, richer, more iconic. Only now do they talk about the possibility of meeting in the other, more concrete world. Yorkie is set against the idea, but Kelly insists.

5. When You Walk Into The Room

Our first real look at the other world. Kelly emerges from behind a sign that says "Assisted Living". Although this carries its surface meaning, it also hints at the counterpart, assisted dying, i.e. euthanasia. You could argue that scheduling a passing into San Junipero on a specific date could be described as "assisted living".

The deeper focus and more naturalistic colour grading establishes this place in contrast to San Junipero; as its foil. Note that it's still picturesque; the contrast is not between a nice place and a nasty one. If anything, it's refreshing, a moment of relief. On her journey towards Yorkie, Kelly travels from right to left.

When she enters Yorkie's room, the most colourful things are Kelly's jacket and a pastel pink light at the head of Yorkie's bed, bathing her old, unfamiliar, unresponding face in Yorkishness.

(At this point I wonder, does Yorkie ever blink? Do they put drops in her eyes? Or was the first thing she said to Greg via the comm-box "My eyes are really itchy, can something be done about that?")

Now we finally meet Greg. His conversation with Kelly pays off a lot of what has been set up thus far, but in a way that propels the narrative forward into the third act. He tells her Yorkie's been in the same physical state for over forty years, since she was 21, having just tried to come out to her parents, with little success. In addition, Kelly mentions that one of the purposes of San Junipero is to help Alzheimer's sufferers by immersing them in nostalgia. Although she doesn't give her opinion of that, it feeds into her attitude towards the place, that there is something phoney about it, that it tries too hard, that it's only useful for fleeting fun. "Uploaded to the cloud, sounds like heaven", she says, with a trace of sarcasm. Time, an untrustworthy concept already, is against her: Yorkie is scheduled to pass the following day. Had she hid somewhen other than 2002, they might never have touched in this world. She persuades Greg to give her and Yorkie an unauthorised moment together.

6. You Pull Me Close And We Start To Move

Although both characters are protagonists, in the first half we were mainly following Yorkie, in the second half mainly Kelly. This can be subtle since they spend a lot of time together, but here, as we return to San Junipero, we begin behind Kelly as she runs out onto the beach to find Yorkie. Only when the camera moves a little to one side is Yorkie revealed.

Kelly gets down on bended knee to propose that Yorkie marries her instead. "Why not someone you've connected with?" The choice of words is oddly hesitant for such a moment. Perhaps she's telling herself that this is all just temporary. But Yorkie has no such reservation. She joins her on her knees, emphasising their commonality, the way they mirror one another.

We dissolve into the wedding ceremony; the two worlds literally blurring together. She passes as a single tear rolls down her face, the only physical movement she has made in this world.

From her perspective we see that world dissolve effortlessly back to San Junipero. We hear her take her first full-time breath in this world, as we heard her take her first part-time breath at the beginning. Sitting on the beach, she finally discards her glasses, the last remnant of the other world.

Kelly arrives in a white wedding dress, but something's wrong. Although she's discarded the glasses, Yorkie's still in her standard look. At Kelly's prompting, she switches to a white wedding dress, so they mirror each other again. The dress comes complete with a veil, but she's evolved past those, so she pulls it off and lets the wind take it. Since the sun hasn't set yet on San Junipero, the tone is a hybrid of the two worlds, importing from the other world whites and light greys, with everything more or less in focus. Kelly's red car stands out from its surroundings more than before.

7. And We're Spinning With The Stars Above

But this is at least a little illusionary. Kelly and Yorkie are not quite on the same page. As the sun sets and San Junipero resumes its blurred, dreamlike quality, their differences come to a head. Yorkie doesn't want a few hours a week, followed by nothing. She wants forever. "Who can even make sense of forever?" says Kelly. Note that the argument here is not the one we might typically expect, that San Junipero is fake, a virtual place, not the real world. Elsewhere - including elsewhere in Black Mirror - we would dwell on that frankly rather tired notion. When Yorkie says "this is real", she's talking as much about the connection between her and Kelly as the environment around them. Yorkie points out that in needn't mean forever; unlike Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, and you can leave. Kelly's refusal to spend any time in San Junipero after she passes over begins to seem selfish - could she not spare a few weeks or months? What's this really about? Yorkie touches a raw nerve, bringing up Kelly's late husband. "He chose to leave you."

(Gugu's reaction to this, and indeed every choice she makes from here to the end of the scene, is incredible. She has to sell the idea of being someone who lived a long, full life, with everything that entails, and is now facing the natural end of her existence. She has 100% conviction the whole way through. Please give her all the awards, thank you.)

Yorkie goes too far, accuses Kelly's husband of selfishness. Kelly slaps her. Then we start to get at the real core of this. She was with him for 49 years. "The bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it, the fucking love." But there's more. She tells Yorkie of their daughter who died at 39. "We felt that heartbreak as one." She tells Yorkie that Yorkie can't understand. It's true, but it's also unfair. Yorkie never got the chance to have that experience. She thinks she's starting out on a version of that very journey now. Finally, we get to Kelly's real objection. Richard refused to go full-time in San Junipero because their daughter died before it was an option. He wouldn't go because she couldn't. Now Kelly won't because he didn't. She doesn't believe in an afterlife, or at least, not a spiritual one. Her objection is a personal one, based on loyalty to someone she now believes is "nowhere". She changes tack, accuses people like Wes of wanting to spend forever where nothing matters. "All those lost fucks at The Quagmire, trying anything to feel something." But this reveals more about herself than about Wes; it was her, not him, who insisted on fun with no consequences. The real dilemma she's now faced with is not whether she betrays Richard by going full-time in San Junipero for at least a little while, but whether meaning can be found there, and whether she's prepared for it if it is. The answer to at least the first question ought to be obvious; meaning can be as easily found in this world as the other.

That's when she takes off. Speeds away. Crashes. (Let's take a moment to say how beautifully executed the crash is.) Perhaps, subconsciously, having tried to get Yorkie to understand her pain, she now wants to start to understand Yorkie's. She lies still for a moment, maybe much the same as Yorkie did once, a long time ago. The difference this time is that there are hands extended to pick her up. Connection. Redemption. But fleeting; it's midnight, and Cinders has to leave.

8. And You Lift Me Up In A Wave Of Love

Back in the other world, Kelly's body continues to degenerate. If she's going to change her mind, she doesn't have long. "Well, OK then," she murmurs, as if talking to someone who isn't there. "All things considered, I guess I'm ready." Her carer is confused. "For what?" "For the rest of it." Cut to San Junipero, where Yorkie gets in her swish red sports car and drives off to the strains of Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth".

End credits.

WHAT? HANG ON, WHAT? Oh, wait. There's more. They just decided to troll us with the possibility that we might be in for another pessimistic, or at least ambiguous, Black Mirror ending. But no. The credits are intercut with shots from both San Junipero and the other world.

A literal "bury your gays" moment, as Kelly's coffin is lowered into its grave. But there's an ironic subversion of the trope going on, too: though the engraving links her to her dead husband and daughter, she's distinct, as well; her engraving is fresh, new.

Yorkie pulls up to the beach house, from right to left; coming home. ("I reach for you, and you bring me home", Belinda is singing.) For a heart-stopping moment, we dare to hope. Then our wish comes true; Kelly steps out of the house and joins her, and together they drive off at Top Speed. ("In this world we're just beginning / To understand the miracle of living".)

(It's been suggested that this part is a little rushed; that we ought to see a proper reconciliation scene between the two. I would argue that the undeniable emotional power of the ending partly comes from the fact that we are held in suspense until the last possible moment, and all the feelz can gush forth at once like a dam bursting.)

In the other world, as Belinda hits the chorus, a robotic arms plugs a couple of nondescript little dongles into a vast blank of twinkling lights. In San Junipero, Yorkie and Kelly dance, now completely in sync, feeling the music as one.

As they spin around one another, we match-cut to a close up of the two dongles, side-by-side, mirroring one another, their lights spinning in harmony.

In our final shot, we pull back and back and back from the rows of lights, universalising our story, leaving us with the idea that this isn't just a happy ending for our protagonists, but potentially for thousands upon thousands of others we never get a chance to meet.

Some people, WRONG people, have interpreted this intercutting as ambiguous, suggesting that it emphasises the cold, prosaic nature of the facility, leaving us with a sense how small and trivial our story was after all, and that our friends are now nothing more than zeroes and ones in an ocean of other zeroes and ones. That's fine. Good endings probably should leave a little something open to interpretation. I tend to think of this as being, as Q Magazine used to say, "the spoonful of medicine that helps the sugar go down". My interpretation is best, because Belinda's still playing, and the joy of kitsch is part of the camp aesthetic. Besides which, "White Christmas" is a very popular episode with fans of Black Mirror, and you can't accept the negative power of that episode's ending without also accepting the corresponding positive power of this episode's ending, since one is a black mirror of the other. (One player versus two player.)

So there we are. (This turned out longer than at least one of my degree dissertations, crikey. And I still feel like I only just scratched the surface.) San Junipero is a place of Joy and Joyness, my favourite episode of the series, my favourite "thing" of 2016 and I love it to tiny pieces, which it is now in.

NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR'S BLACK CAT TAX:

Actual Definitive Ranking Of All Black Mirror Episodes

peeeeeeet — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 14:35:08 GMT

Today, everyone is ranking all Black Mirror episodes, but unfortunately some of these lists appear to have been written by FOOOOOOOLS. Here is a better ranking, it contains a couple of MILD, OH SO VERY VERY MILD SPOILERS.

San Junipero [3-04]

I didn't know Brooker had it in him; he possibly didn't himself. A near-perfect episode which would work as a stand-alone movie in the Charlie Kaufman style. Gugu Mbatha-Raw fills the screen with her off-the-charts levels of charisma, but is even better when asked to show what lies beneath the surface. Equally as good is the cinematography, achieving a fairytale feeling of vibrancy and possibility without tipping the viewer off too early. Possibly the best single episode of television I've seen for several years, and a perfect candidate for "if you only watch one episode..."

Hated in the Nation [3-06]

Way more plot-driven than any other episode, this functions brilliantly as a procedural, and I wonder whether it could go to a spin-off series. Kelly MacDonald has the perfect balance of ordinariness and charm to pull it off. The central plot device is not that original - I can think of at least three times I've seen something similar done - but the "why" rather than the "what" is what powers the thing forward. A couple of bits of creaky, this-has-to-happen-so-it-happens plot points just tarnish it a little, but it's otherwise a very impressive piece of work.

The Entire History of You [1-03]

The first "classic" Black Mirror episode, in that it's the first to nail the combination of "ten minutes into the future" with a cynical but realistic look at the capacity for human nature to be self-defeating. Editing could be smoother in places.

White Bear [2-02]

One of the most shocking and memorable episodes, Lenora Crichlow's central performance is vital to why it works. Unlike other "shock" entries, it stands up to multiple viewings at least partly because its real theme is about how cruel we can be to someone once we've decided they don't deserve our sympathy, a theme explored in much cruder fashion lower on this list.

Nosedive [3-01]

The first Netflix season wisely opens with a "typical" Black Mirror episode, albeit one which has a touch more humour towards the end than was previously typical (given the writers of the teleplay I'm somewhat surprised it's not even funnier; there was plenty of opportunity for it to be).

Fifteen Million Merits [1-02]

Nice production design and direction help elevate perhaps the most overtly sci-fi entry. Supporting characters tend towards the cartoonish and the story as a whole is juggling a number of distinct ideas somewhat clumsily, leading to a rather weak ending, but there's great stuff buried in here.

Playtest [3-02]

This one - best described as cyberpunk meets P.T. - takes a long time to get going and has a loose, free-wheeling style which is understandable but at times frustrating, particularly towards the end. A stronger episode could have been made out of the great premise.

White Christmas [Special]

The odd decision to take three mini-ideas and string them loosely together gives this episode a difficult rhythm, at least on first watch. None of the storylines has enough space to develop, though they all show promise. It's the details that let it down. Repeat after me: people with dissociative identity disorder are much more likely to be the victims of crime than the perpetrators.

Be Right Back [2-01]

Good casting lifts a derivative and rather slow story that may be the sweetest pre-Netflix episode, but is otherwise unremarkable.

The Waldo Moment [2-03]

Like The National Anthem this says less about our relationship to technology than it needs to, though it's still an engaging watch with good characterisation. It's damaged by the ending, where what was a fairly realistic storyline suddenly becomes ridiculously far-fetched, which pushed it down from being a mid-table entry.

Shut Up And Dance [3-03]

An obvious attempt to be this season's "White Bear", this episode pales in comparison to the earlier one, partly because the twist isn't as jaw-dropping as it wants to be.

The National Anthem [1-01]

With hindsight this sticks out for not speculating about technology or indeed making technology central to its idea. It's now most famous for being a little similar to something that someone who doesn't like David Cameron much claimed without evidence he once did, much to the delight of sheeple everywhere (yes, including me). Propped up by shock value alone, there's not much reason to return to it.

Men Against Fire [3-05]

I saw the twist in this coming way, way too early and as a result the whole thing feels bloated and preachy. There are also - rare for this season - structural oddities; the video interview shown towards the end seems hugely out-of-character to say it apparently happened fairly recently - are we supposed to think it's faked? - and the final scene is just odd. Is it supposed to tell us which option he picked? I don't get it. Easily the weak link of the season.

Cinematic Type Things

peeeeeeet — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 11:18:37 GMT

So, like all humans that exist, I eventually clicked on the "30 day free trial of Amazon Prime" button while trying to not do that. What the hey, I think, let us see what they have that's better than Netflix. Maybe it's just the novelty of a fresh selection, but I found a few things I want to watch. Behold, then, the latest in an occasional series: Pete Watches Films!

The Lego Movie

Colourful and exuberant, the Lego Movie gleefully skewers its genre conventions while at the same type revelling shamelessly in the fun they offer. The framing story is judged well, clicking together bits of plot satisfyingly and giving a heartwarming but not too schmaltzy conclusion. Towering above everything else is Lego Batman, a glorious creation fully deserving of his upcoming spin-off, his gloomy song "Dark-ness... NO parents..." being possibly my favourite movie thing of recent years. It's a movie made by people who understand Lego about people who do and people who think they do but don't. It's hard to imagine how it could be better.

Gravity

Cuaron is one of the best living visual storytellers, his skill at mise en scene and mastery of both physical film-making and visual effects matched only by his confidence. There are breathtaking shots here that communicate the vastness and emptiness of space in all directions. Shame then that in a presumed sop to mainstream appeal, there are almost as many frustratingly corny elements, such as the inevitable tragic backstory, the cheeky bantz, the crude visual symbolism, or the oh-so-relatable moments of blind irrationality. You'll have your own favourite, but mine comes very near the end, when Sandra Bullock, after finally getting back into radio contact with NASA proceeds to completely ignore them rather than tell them she's alive and give an approximate position (the wreckage itself being strewn over a large area). Let's hope she gets eaten by a bear immediately after the film ends. It's hard to ignore the gender-essentialism of Clooney being rational, wise, paternal, even god-like, while Bullock is emotional, thoughtless, unskilled and prone to panic. Finally, despite it being one of the key scenes of the whole film, the moment when Clooney untethers himself is lacking in the necessary sense of geography and thus feels contrived.

Cloud Atlas

Ah, the Polarising Wachowskis (and Tom Tykwer). This anticipates Sense8 by colliding multiple plots and film genres in ways that illuminate one another while also feeling as if they have their own distinct regions that remain under control. Connections vary from the obvious (plot devices such as the letters) to the less obvious (repurposed musical motifs) to the almost completely obscure (I had no idea Hugh Grant was Lead Cannibal in the most futuristic section). Ah, the makeup. As observed by such luminaries as Film Crit Hulk, in movies sometimes "best" really means "most". I don't wholly object to the Yellowface (though I must admit it made me a little queasy) since I feel for once it's suitably justified. But the prosthetics are frequently weak, not because they're not competently done, but because they're just too much. One that stands out for me is Hugh Grant in the contemporary story - made up to look like a older version of himself, it's not at all convincing. If they can't even get "slightly older person of same race and gender" right, what hope have they of making poor little Doo Na Bae into a fiery Latina? (That said, Halle Berry looked great as the composer's Jewish wife.) Most damning of all, as noted before, it obscures the connections between eras, making the theme of karma - some souls fight their own worst instincts and eventually evolve past them, others continue to degenerate further with each iteration - less powerful than it would otherwise be. Be all that as I may, I can't see why it baffled critics as much as it did. The individual stories are not overly complex and while cuts between them can be rapid, they are aesthetically strident enough that orientation rarely takes more than a moment.

Live Die Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow

But seriously, though, what if James Cameron directed Groundhog Day? Edge of Tomorrow is well aware that's what we're all thinking and thus wisely doesn't waste too much time on its conceit but gets on with exploring the consequences. It's thoroughly entertaining right up until a final sequence that screams "reshoots after bad audience tests", in which the internal logic, which had been holding up remarkably well up until then, is unceremoniously thrown out of the window in order to achieve a slightly less unhappy ending than the one we were organically heading to. Such a shame.

Carol

Shot at a stately pace on grainy 16mm film, Carol reminded me of how films used to be made, evoking the style of Shadowlands, The Piano, Howards End et al. This is both an asset and a liability. The actors give subtle, considered performances, but the central relationship always feels rather arms-length; I can buy the attraction but not the passion necessary to drive the plot. This is best exemplified by a flash-forward sequence at the start which I presume is supposed to show us how differently we perceive a scene when we don't know the characters and when we do, but sadly my involvement hadn't developed enough for my reaction to be sufficiently changed. To its credit the film only gets on its tempting modern-liberal soapbox once; but after everything that went before, the ending just felt too neat, too clean, too much of a perfectly composed, unruffled tableau.

Westerners remember man named Muhammad Ali with affection

peeeeeeet — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 09:35:33 GMT

Western society has spent the day fondly reminiscing about the one person called Muhammad and/or Ali that they rather liked.

John Smith, a stock-broker from Dudley, said "How can I be Islamophobic, if that even is a real collection of sounds with a widely agreed on meaning, or 'word'? I've loved watching Ali fights ever since six years before I was born, when the last one happened."

He went on, "It's true that I've criticised Muslims in the past, but to me Ali was different. Islam is an inciteful, violent creed that leads to much strife, whereas Ali made a living repeatedly punching people in the face until they couldn't stand up any more... he was an athlete, is what I'm saying," he added after an awkward pause.

Boris H Clarkson agreed. "His struggle for equal rights for black and white folk was legendary. Male ones, I mean. Obviously he thought women should still be subservient. No one's going to argue with him about that."

When asked whether Ali's conversion ever made him rethink his attitude towards Muslims, Clarkson answered, "Not really. Half of them can't even spell 'Muhammad' properly."

Lucid in the Sky With Diamonds

peeeeeeet — Mon, 23 May 2016 20:34:38 GMT

Lucid dream time! OK so while having a lucid moment I thought I remembered that you couldn't look at yourself in a mirror in a dream OR SOMETHING and I thought I could cheat it by making it night time and looking at my reflection in the WINDOW. AND IT WORKED! I jigged about in front of the window and my reflection jigged accordingly although he looked reluctant and fluffed a couple of cues. It was very tiring keeping this up so we agreed that basically yes reflections worked. We also speculated as to whether I was a man dreaming I was in a room talking to my reflection in a window, or whether HE was a man dreaming he was in a window talking to his reflection in a room, and agreed that it was most probably the former.

Then I went outside and was shot at by alien spaceships and I had to punch the laser beams away.

Mo movies, Mo Netflix

peeeeeeet — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 17:54:14 GMT

Last year I actually watched a few films, go me. This year I have also watched a few films. Thoughts upon them beyond the cut.

Ratatooille

This appears to be one of the most consistently highly regarded Pixars, though I thought it was rather ordinary. It looks handsome enough, but characters are stock and obvious, the plot is predictable and the love-interest tacked on.

Brave

No such caveats required for this, which is a full-throated roar of a film, taking the standard "be careful what you wish for" premise and giving it a massive kick up the arse. Sequel please.

The Apartment

A well-carpentered if occasionally slightly stagy story from the born-to-work-together team of Billy Wilder, Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine, the last of whom in particular rises above the flatness of some of her material. If this were made now it would be dismissed as a story of a Nice Guy (tm) being Friendzoned (tm) by a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (tm), and indeed there are moments in that direction that haven't aged well (at one point Lemmon tells MacLaine he has used company resources to research her and knows her SSN, which is supposed to be cute and demonstrate how he is her soulmate, probably), and the suicide-attempt subplot feels queasy in the midst of an otherwise rather knockabout plot. Definitely worth a watch, though.

Touch of Evil

I didn't know until after I'd finished it that I'd watched the worst version of this, the original butchered theatrical release with the wildly inappropriate Mancini music over the still-astonishing opening shot. Despite editing and other structural problems, though, it remained an engaging watch, with Welles and Charlton Heston both thoroughly committed to their chalk and cheese characters. The ending was a bit pat though. Welles falls in the water and everyone's like "he probably drowned, let's not check".

Muppets Most Wanted

Having found the Jason Segel reboot mostly thin and too calculating in its heartwarming nostalgia, I was in no hurry to see this, but it turned out to be a ton of fun, being more of an old-fashioned caper movie with a wonderfully silly OTT villain in Kermit's doppelganger, Constantine. Tina Fey nearly steals the show as a Gulag guard with a secret fondness for Kermit, though I was less captivated by Ty Burrell (TV's Phil Dunphey) as a stereotypical European Interpol officer. The biggest problem, though, was the celebrity cameos, which were mostly over in the blink of an eye with, if they were lucky, a slightly amusing line. Paring them back to the ones that worked (Celine Dion, "Goodnight Danny Trejo!") would have worked wonders. A bit more money would have helped, too - there's some very flat compositing towards the end. I guess it's not easy being green-screen.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

There's a great film to be made about the phenomenon of US high school mass shootings, but this isn't it. Directed in a flashy non-linear way to disguise how little substance it has, only Tilda Swinton's first-class performance is worthy of much praise. More of a modern day reimagining of the Omen than anything, her son is a child of motiveless evil, and the central character dynamic between the two of them is maddeningly out of focus. For instance, Swinton is established as being a travel writer who spends time away from the family home for work, with the (facile) implication that this might have soured her relationship with her son. All right, so how much time does she spend away? Half and half? Ten per cent? Ninety per cent? The film doesn't think this information would be useful or interesting. Instead we get a stringing together of discrete anecdotes and an absence of wider context. Add in the unnecessarily idiosyncratic method of the murders and you have a film that swaps social politics for melodrama.

peeeeeeet — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 10:32:02 GMT

Legit overheard the following dialogue during a dream last night:

Man: OK, so now we know the secret of time travel, we've got to be really careful what we say.
Woman: What do you mean?
Man: Well, imagine I knew how your grandfather died. If I told you, you might try to prevent it.
Woman: Oh, don't worry about that, I already know how my grandfather died. It's a great story.
Man: It is?
Woman: Yeah. He was minding his own business when someone who looked exactly like me emerged out of nowhere and with a tear-stained face, yelled, "this is for countless millions!" and shot him.
Man: That is pretty cool.
Woman: Yeah.

OK so I realise this doesn't really stand up if you THINK ABOUT IT, but it was a dream, so...

peeeeeeet — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 17:12:56 GMT

OK SO THIS WAS MY DREAM.

Note that this is not a standard narrative dream but is more of an IDEA that just popped into my head while I was asleep. Perhaps I was incepted by Leonardo Dacaprio I CAN'T SAY. ANYWAY:

The idea was that in each decade there is a sitcom called Peep Show, and in each decade it features a comedy double-act who are famous at that time. It is set in the decade it is made, but otherwise is recognisably the same show YOU KNOW WITH LOOKING AT THE CAMERA AND THAT.

In the nineteen seventies, Eric Morecambe played cheeky wideboy JEZ, opposite fastidious and uptight Mark, played ably by Ernie Wise.

In the nineteen eighties, Jez is played as a lovably cockney rogue by Ronnie Barker, where the unfortunate case of arrested development Mark is played by Ronnie Corbett.

In the nineteen nineties I think it was Armstrong and Miller. My dream brain probably could have picked someone better there.

THEN I WOKE UP AND DAVID BOWIE WAS DEAD

Annual Meme Thieved From Slem S. Pike

peeeeeeet — Thu, 07 Jan 2016 13:15:40 GMT

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

I started learning Japanese! At the moment I know a fair bit of vocab but can say very little. That is because you sort of have to learn Kanji first before you can really put it together. I do love more modern coinages written entirely in katakana, though, because they often sound like the Japanese are taking the piss out of their own accent. レストラン [resutoran], for example, means "restaurant". The website I am using to learn Kanji, wanikani.com, teaches you simple Kanji first rather than common vocab first. That means I know stuff like "to be disconnected" ("hazureru", in romanji) but not the number nine.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't know, love. I probs didn't make any. My main resolution this year is to do summat wi't' novel, more on that shortly probably.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don't imagine so. If so they kept it super quiet.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Unless, again, they kept quiet about it.

5. What countries did you visit?

Stockport! Lancaster! Those are countries!

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

I suspect at some point I will want a PS4, especially if FFXV comes out and isn't as girl-free as it looks.

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June the 6th? Or thereabouts? (OK, so not exactly ETCHED) for I welcomed fannish folk to watch OITNB S3 and much enjoyment was had, except when Nicky was sent to max because WHY

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I finished writing a WHOLLY ORIGINAL NOVEL. And by wholly original, I don't just mean it doesn't have the Doctor in. I mean like in every other chapter there is something you've never seen before in a book. It was absolutely exhausting to write. One chapter in particular (which was the first idea I had, and will probably be everyone's favourite chapter) was like climbing Kilimanjaro.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My exterior renovations were flawed. I failed to fix the roof (while the sun was shining) on the garage, and the sealant I put on the driveway to prevent the growth of weeds IMMEDIATELY RESULTED in the subsequent growth of lots of weeds. I don't like the outside.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No although I have a bit of a cold still. Also my willy feels a bit weird, I think it might be the cold.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I purchased a new projector! And since I have played about 140 hours of Lightning Returns on it, it seems like a good purchase. Contrast levels are not the greatest but it does have 3D capability. Day of the Doctor is great in 3D, but some games (ICO, Uncharted 3) are not as amazing in 3D as you might hope.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The case of Sense8. I love my Sense8 babies! Especially Nomi and Neetz and Lito and Hernando and Daniella. Daniella's "I LOVE GAY PORN" is probably my favourite line of the year. Although "I LOST MY FLIP FLOP" runs it close

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

14. Where did most of your money go?

Gas and council tax probably.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

When Fang showed up in Lightning Returns. After a disappointing cameo in XIII-2 it was EVERYTHING I WANTED. She slashed herself with Lightning SO MUCH. Like if you teleport away to do something else and then come back she goes "Well, you sure know how to keep a girl waiting!" I mean, don't get me wrong here, FANG / VANILLE FOREVER OTP OTP OTP, but they are 99% canon so that makes it OKAY to slash them with other people. Speaking of which, when you ask Vanille about Lumina she says "We've been together since Fang left", so that's 50% canon right there. But most of all, I love how EVERYONE got a happy ending. Even Caius got redeemed! There was a solution to the Yeul problem that allowed one of them to be reincarnated, and it was the last one (which is mostly coincidence, since it's the one who knew Noel and he was born at the end of time, but it's still lovely). Lightning's reward for going up again God himself was to get to wear wedge heels in France. It's just so perfect. I love everything about Lightning Returns, it's my favourite PS3 game of all. I love how the NPCs with the most tragic backstory are usually wearing the most ridiculous clothes. If only everything in life was like a JRPG.

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?

Hmm. Ironically, given that the novel is about a rock band, I didn't listen to a whole lot of new music this year. Lightning Returns does have a selection of spoony bards on the soundtrack though, my favourite is the one in Luxerion who goes on about the scarlet streak of light. A NAME LIKE A PRECIOUS POEM.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

I feel sort of happier a bit at the moment, despite the pavement being dug up outside my house and my boiler just getting fixed.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Read books. It has been another year of not reading much. The best was a reread of Beloved. I stand by my view that it loses steam about two-thirds through.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I did devote a lot of time to Clicker Heroes. Some people - wrong, wrong people - might consider that to be a bit pointless.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I did Christmas already, meme! It was with cousin Sarah. I spent it grumpily defending Sylvester McCoy, as is tradition. Then I visited fannish folk over the New Year, we played Articulate, my favourite one was "slow vehicle that used to deliver white fluid".

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?

No.

22. How many one-night stands?

ZERO

23. What was your favorite TV programme?

Well it probably still has to be Orange, though I do think seez three was not up to the standard of one and two. Mainly I think it suffers from the Lost problem that the flashback storylines are starting to lose their appeal. It was nice to see Big Boo's, for example, and I appreciate the argument about positive portrayals of masculine-of-centre woman and all that, but it was very speechy and after-school-special, to me. You don't need to persuade Orange fans that lesbians are great, dudes, we got that.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

NO

25. What was the best book you read?

I said, it was Beloved.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I said, it was the spoony bard in Old Town, Luxerion, Nova Crystallia, Universe A

27. What did you want and get?

I SAID IT WAS A PROJECTOR

28. What did you want and not get?

Well, they said Pikmin 4 was nearing release back in September. That's not here yet. They'd better not save it for the next console, I already bought a weeyou just for Pikmin 3.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

The only film I saw at the cinema was that Star Wars one, so that, I suppose. The best film I watched that it not actually from this year might by Rango or possibly Network, or maybe Wreck-it-Ralph

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I did nowt that I can recall, I was probably 38

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Dunno, love.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

Go on Marks and Spencer's website, spend ten minutes and £150 buying anything whose size is "small" or "9". It suddenly occurs to me after all these years that I don't know whether there should also be an apostrophe after Marks. Marks' and Spencer's. No, that looks wrong. OK.

33. What kept you sane?

Some little tablets maybe helped. Also bananas. I don't know. Aren't they supposed to help mood? Anyway, I ate a lot of them. Future readers of t'book may well contend that sanity was not in abundance.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

EHHHH I don't know. Queer stuff. The death of zombie liberal England. Second-wave feminists who refuse to give ground on trans stuff. Thinkpiecederps who now support second-wavers in this but who thirty years ago would have disagreed with everything they said.

36. Who did you miss?

WELL OBVIOUSLY I MISSED L M MYLES OVER THE NEW YEAR. I was about to put NOBODY but this seems a less misanthropic answer.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I suppose the Scottish Galeys. Not that they are not great but I was hoping for FULL GALEY.

Huh, this seems shorter that usual. If this is because Slem cut out a lot of inane questions, OH GOD THANK YOU

Simon Pegg promises new Star Trek film will be awful

peeeeeeet — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 15:40:24 GMT

Actor and writer Simon Pegg has confirmed today that the upcoming Star Trek film will not be the action-packed thrill ride its trailers suggest.

"I couldn't believe what the marketing people did," he said. "They made it look like fun for all the family."

Pegg stresses that the plot - which concerns an alien race who are Muslim on odd-numbered days and Christian on even-numbered days - will be just as po-faced and simplistic as the beloved TV series.

Faced with criticism that the trailer depicts a future of racial and gender harmony amongst humans, Pegg was quick to downplay this. "Don't worry, I got the memo that I should tick as few of the 'non-white American male' boxes as possible." Particular attention has been paid to one shot which appears to demonstrate a bold and innovative approach to social liberalism, but Pegg says the scene only appears that way when removed from its wider context. "It's true that we seem to have given a transgender character a position of authority, but - just like that mixed-race kiss in the sixties we're always crowing about - it turn out to be caused by like this alien parasite or something."

When asked whether he had seen the new Star Wars film yet, Pegg replied "Git tae fuck!" in an unconvincing Scottish accent.

So...

peeeeeeet — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 00:34:20 GMT

... what's the inevitable Clara / Ashilda ship called? Ashwald? Ladylara? Oswash? HildaOgdwin? I vote for WinME.

Doctor Who Turned Out To Be Quite Good This Year

peeeeeeet — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 13:38:04 GMT

OK so you may recall I gave up on Who last year, because series 8 was shite on a bun. HOWEVER I am Christmassing with a fan and thought I had better catch up and also, you might remember that I have a knack for making series suddenly become great by threatening to junk them. I don't know how it works, it's magic. So with rock bottom expectations I stuck on series 9, and ended up enjoying it possibly more than any other seez of new Who. FURTHER DETAILS UNDER THE CUTLYWILKINSON

The Dalek two-parter: Yes we're all fed up with Daleks but it was nice to see Davros back even if the bit where he opened his real eyes was lame. Missy was lotsa fun in this one. It took me a while to get into it, but the whole tank and guitar bit helped, if only because it came across like a soft-reboot of the twelfth Doctor, which I welcomed because of what a racist cunt he was last year. I am aware the some fans feel the opposite way and liked the Doctor being a racist cunt and are unhappy there was a soft-reboot, but those people may kiss my arse. The bit about Dalek speech being autotranslated was quite nice even if it didn't really square with any of the rest of canon, but what the hey. Overall a promising start.

The Base-Under-Siege two-parter: Is this the first time we've had two two-parters in a row? As someone who believes that the natural length for a Doctor Who story is 90 minutes, this sits right with me. As for the actual story, I'm a little undecided on it. Sets are nice. Guest characters a bit hit and miss. The idea of the Doctor's future actions influencing the past is nice, though I feel in parts it doesn't quite add up. How (and why) is the hologram Doctor able to open the Faraday cage? Once its established he can, why do the humans think they'll be safe in there? Why doesn't the hologram provide less cryptic clues (and no, the answer "because that's what always happened in the web of time" isn't good enough). It also bent its own rules a tad - the dam was always blown up because the Doctor always blew it up, but the bolshy girl ghost didn't show up until after she was killed in the past (I suppose she might have been there but just gone unnoticed, but it's still contrived). Still, a fair old two parter that's probably about the level of the Rebel Flesh one in quality.

The first two Ashilda episodes: Now this is another way to avoid the limitations of one-part stories; while neither is that substantial on its own, the development of Lady Me's character and her interactions with the Doctor added up to more than the sum of its parts. Aside from that, both episodes were watchable - the first was a bit silly in places but no worse than the Robin Hood one. The second one perhaps needed the monster to be a bit less generic - I actually thought it was the Garm from Terminus at first, given the Norse tropes! - but it was good. Maisie Williams, despite being a little wooden here and there, went toe-to-toe with Capaldi and pulled it off. Well done her. I could have lived without the oddity (inspired by the Time Warrior, perhaps) that people in the past can't tell when someone is not a boy. Maisie doesn't look that boyish, and the fake voice thing was a bit daft.

The Zygon two-parter: Considering the Zygons to be overrated and Kill the Moon to be one of the weakest Doctor Who stories in history, I wasn't looking forward to this one at all, but it was mostly fine. Jenna Coleman ruled in her twin roles, though there were plenty of loose ends - weren't there two Kates also back in Day of the Doctor? This plot rests on the Kate being human Kate, but are we sure? Jaye Griffiths was bumped off before getting any real character, but she's black so FAIR ENOUGH I SUPPOSE. Sorry, I suppose I'm not actually over series 8 just yet. It was nice to see Osgoods, even if it's yet another example of Moffat not letting people stay dead already, but she wore Sylvester's tanktop, so I forgive, I FORGIVE. Hell, if you said this time a decade ago that a character would wear that in Doctor Who again and not in a flashback to actual Sylvester (or, frankly, even then), we'd have all thought you mad. Also "titivating the fronds" made me lolirl.

SO! Eight episodes in and while the quality is a little uneven, we've had no outright turkeys! When was the last time that happened? THE TWENTIETH CENTURY?????

The weird Gatiss one: Hmmm. The first true one-parter demonstrates that base-under-siege doesn't work in this time scale. We barely get to know anyone, and the setting is super generic. The ending is also a bit of a mess. I get - I think - that glasses guy assembled "exciting" footage in order to splice in secret codes to manipulate us, but there's still a lot I don't really understand. What was the actually connection between the machines and the sandmen? Does the Doctor actually save the day? Does he at least disinfect Clara? I suspect a rewatch would clear up some of these points, but I also suspect it would be boring.

The Trap Street One: OK so mostly I like this. It's fitting that Clara's HUBRIS would be her undoing, even if they've been foreshadowing it for so long now that it was hardly a shock. My main problem - it's a similar problem with The Girl Who Waited - is how maddening it is that everyone just ACCEPTS it. No brainstorming, no throwing out ideas. At least TRY putting her in the stasis thing that's RIGHT THERE FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, even if it doesn't work. It's almost as if they know they're in the episode where Clara dies and they just go, "oh well, fuck it then." What's even worse is that no one ANYWHERE EVER thought that Moff would actually write out Clara this way, mid season, in a script by a rookie writer. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. So my feeling towards the end is mostly blankness - no one tried to save her, and yet somehow she's going to at least be a bit saved anyway. Plus, of course, she's had at least two perfectly good exits already AND there are still lots of Clara splinters dotted around the universe. Even in a season less shit and racist than the last one, Moff's unwillingness to allow anything to stick still undermines very promising storylines. Still, it wasn't a disaster, and the black guy survived, so I give it a pass.

The Capaldi-only one (or "Kick, Punch, It's All In The Mind", to give it its proper title): I gather this is believed to be one of the best Doctor Who stories ever and is an acting masterclass from Mr C. It's only really in the last ten minutes though that he gets any thing to do that differs all that much from what he usually does. Don't get me wrong, he works the room very nicely, but my jaw didn't drop. The big problem with these puzzle-box episodes is that they have to have watertight internal logic to work. Yes, I know Doctor Who is rather famous for abandoning logic with glee, but THESE SPECIFIC TYPES OF EPISODES don't get a free pass on that. And I'm afraid there were bits and pieces that didn't add up to me. The room with the drying clothes didn't reset, for example. Even if we handwave that, the painting was supposed to deteriorate over time, right? But the flowers / window from the same room reset each time. The skulls stayed in the moat but the stools didn't. He's also created a perpetual motion machine, since the energy used to get a new Doctor out each time must be equal to or less than the energy that comes out for the next go around (yes, I know he's shown eating, but still, the extra energy has to come from somewhere). Also that creature is so slow and shambling that surely he could at least TRY to dodge it. At one point he says how long it takes to get from one side of the castle to the other, right - so he knows when to expect it. So why not wait in an open space, run round it, run to the other side of the castle and do the whole thing again? AND WHY NOT KICK THE WALL WITH YOUR BOOTS INSTEAD OF PUNCH IT?????? Also, at the end it looks like the confession dial thingy is open to the elements and looking up at actual stars, which it must be if he uses it to estimate how long he's been there. And yet, it appears to be just lying on Gallifrey's surface, near where boys run around, for BILLIONS OF YEARS? It never gets covered with dust? He never looks up to see a boy's head looming over? COME ON MOFF, YOU ALMOST MANAGED IT. ONE MORE DRAFT WOULD HAVE DONE IT.

The End Of Time one: Because it's literally a rewrite of the End of Time, right, with Gallifrey and Time Lord Victorious and everything! Even the actual END OF TIME! Thankfully it has no silly shaking Master heads or spitting ("it's a dirty 'abit, spitting" - Pete's late mother). Early on I thought this was a bit slow but then we got a proper old TARDIS and I was happy. Incidentally, I seem to remember some fans pouring scorn on the suggestion that the barn from Listen was actually on Gallifrey. Still so sure about that, are you? Anywayz, my main complaint about this one is the timescale - unless I've got it wrong, fiveish billion years is not that far in the future - hell, wasn't RTD going to Five Billion Slash Fruit all the time? (Yes, I know that RTD years may not equate to sane person years, but it's still a small timescale.) Especially since one Time Lord says Clara has been dead for half the universe, so that puts the TOTAL duration of the universe at around nine billion years? Confused. Also Really Far In The Future is a lame place for the Time Lords to be hiding. The Daleks can time travel, after all. Anyway. Clara's exit was properly moving and the idea that she continues to spend her last ever second having amoral adventures with Lady Me in a flying US diner is suitably batshit. It does demonstrate, though, that while the raven may not be something you can avoid forever, you CAN actually postpone it indefinitely while you think of something. Which just further undermines the earlier episode.

OVERALL, though, a pretty solid season. Only one real duffer, and even that was a potentially nice idea that just didn't quite come off. Of course, the ratings from the beginning were down, but that's what happens when you make the Doctor a racist cunt. Too late now.

So, what do you think? Most consistently good season of the modern show?

Livingstone Apologises For Getting Something Right

peeeeeeet — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 22:32:20 GMT

Former mayor of London Ken Livingstone has been forced to apologise unreservedly for not making a mistake.

The incident occurred when Livingstone told a colleague that in his view the man might be suffering from mental health problems, for which he would be advised to seek medical help.

It emerged later that the colleague had indeed been suffering from mental health problems, for which he had sought medical help.

"I honestly didn't know, but that's no excuse," said Livingstone when confronted with this information. "I've never got anything right in my entire political career, and it's too late to start now. I wholly retract the statement and apologise without reservation."

When pressed on whether he still held the controversial opinion, Livingstone was quick to rebut the suggestion. "It's plain for anyone to see he's as sane as I am. Baaaaaaaaaah."

peeeeeeet — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 12:35:30 GMT

France's terror alert level has just been raised to a nice hot cup of brie

I am ashamed of this which I why I post it on LJ where no one exists

More movies

peeeeeeet — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 18:06:59 GMT

Turns out I am still subscribed to Netflix lel

12 Angry Men

Such a brilliantly simple concept would be frowned upon today - imagine a story where most characters aren't named, there are no childhood flashbacks, people's families and jobs are of little importance and the ostensible main character is hardly developed at all, being the only one of the twelve not to change his position at any point. There is, however, quite a bit of sleight of hand going on here; the case isn't anywhere near as open-and-shut as it's at first made out to be, relying on the defence counsel to be useless and all jurors - including the steadfast one above - to fail to consider a number of elements that are hardly fiendishly opaque. Sidney Lumet turns the theatrical nature of the setting to his advantage, ratcheting up the claustrophobia and dropping in sudden close-ups and POV shots to go with the more artfully choreographed group tableaux. Ultimately, it's a film to admire more than enjoy.

Betty Blue (Director's Cut)

All I knew about this going in was that it was French, had people in the nuddy, and that twenty years ago the poster was on the wall in every student house (and for all I know, still is). I was pleasantly surprised by how much there was in it; the cinematography is frequently atmospheric, with good use of twilight or flames and a diverse range of locations. The formulaic nature of Betty's descent into Gallic bonkersness becomes apparent after the second iteration of random property-damage, but the antics of the minor characters helps to keep up the interest, most obviously the binman with the pathological hatred of mattresses. I'm a bit torn on the romanticism of Betty's broken-bird character; it's nice that the people who care about her don't judge her and aren't repelled by her behaviour, and she is given the room to feel like a person and not just a trope, but it's still a bit dodgy, lush as the visuals and score are.

Network

Within ten minutes I was thinking "I bet this is the film Aaron Sorkin wishes he'd written", and I was right. It's a very literate piece, full of the kind of knotty monologues beloved of A-Level Theatre Studies classes, and everyone in the cast rises to the challenge, giving career-highlight performances. It's also probably a favourite of David Lynch; I can imagine him watching the brilliant sequence of Ned Beatty expertly turning Peter Finch and taking copious notes. And for all the speechifying, there's also a lightness of touch detectable in the dialogue, most obviously in the black comedy of the final voiceover line, but also in the hilarious scene of the Communists negotiating contracts - "Don't fuck with my distribution rights!" (hell, another writer would consider the concept of "The Mao Tse Tung Hour" enough material to sustain a whole film). Perhaps in places it gets a little too fond of its own loquaciousness, but when it gives us moments like the "living embodiment of television" part, who cares? And while some of the polemic has dated (today's youth were not brought up exclusively by television), other parts have matured beautifully; if anything, the febrile desperation of network television is at times even more extreme than it's depicted here. A film every intelligent, politically-aware adult should find time to watch.

To Kill A Mockingbird

This also has pretensions to being literate, but they mostly go unfulfilled; Atticus's closing remarks at the trial are manipulative pap, and his methods during the trial of cross-examining the witnesses are clumsy and inconclusive. As a consequence, what we're supposed to think - that the black dude is a paragon of virtue fucked over by those nasty rednecks - fails to land, meaning the film achieves the rare failing of not even being cliched. The child characters, too, are flimsy creations - Scout is a stock Tomboy that Maggie Tulliver would have drowned in a river without a second thought. The two main plot threads come together at the end in an awkwardly contrived manner that conveniently rescues Atticus from the consequences of his nobility while also laying on the moral of not judging mentally ill people with a trowel, and it's not even the only time in the film that Atticus gets let off lightly for his controversial actions. What a crude, unsatisfactory piece of work.

Airplane!

Now, this seems to be parodying a genre popular at the time but now all but forgotten, so I'm prepared to accept that there are probably aspects of it that were more amusing when it was first made. But the scattershot nature of the comedy, coupled with its sheer corniness, was very wearing. I only laughed once, at the queue of people lining up to abuse the hysterical passenger. I also thought the white woman who spoke Jive was a nice idea. That was about it. The rest of it was tedious, self-indulgent, badly performed drivel.

Meeem from slemslem

peeeeeeet — Wed, 12 Aug 2015 20:24:41 GMT

1. Marmite- love or hate?

DO YOU KNOW I can't remember ever actually eating it. I imagine it tastes like gravy but has the texture of nutella, so a tentative "love".

2. Marmalade- thick cut or thin cut?

I will happily eat all the world's marm, I don't care, it is all yum

3. Porridge- made with milk or water?

WITH WATER?! HAVE YOU RUN MAD, GOODIE? Porridge is made with milk, milk and more milk. Think there is enough milk in it? That is the sign that you just need a little bit more milk.

WATER. I am horrified.

4. Do you like salt, sugar or honey on your porridge?

Sugar if any of these, though I probably buy the stuff that has added sugar or syrup or something anyway.

5. Loose tea or teabags?

I'm not a particular tea drinker (that sound you just heard was the rage of popular Irish author Claire Hennessey, probably) but certainly tea bags because otherwise there would be cleaning to do and that requires eff.

6. Where on your door is your letterbox?

Well it's in the middle, ish. Isn't that where it always is? I don't think I have lived anywhere where it was not in a conventional place. I only half believe that American people have a box at the end of their path. That means someone could steal your dildoes and graze boxes, Americans.

7. What's your favourite curry?

I don't have a big preference - something mild but not bland, like jalfrezi maybe.

8. What age is the place where you live?

I think this house is very close to 100 years old, and has been in this family for a little under half that.

9. Where do the folks running your local corner shop come from?

I'm guessing probably pakistan? I typed Parkistan at first and now wish Goodness Gracious Me had done a parody of Michael Parkinson or something. The girl who mostly is behind the till in the evening is SO PRETTTTTTY.

10. Instant or fresh coffee?

I am probably history's greatest monster but I actually prefer the taste of inst to "real" coffee which tastes too bitter to me. But I will happily drink either.

11. How far are you from the sea?

I suppose about as far as you can get in the UK? What, about 100 miles or thereabouts? Not sure. Can't be arsed pulling up googmaps to check.

12. Have you travelled via Eurostar?

No I had not done that, but I have occasionally used the Eurostar terminal in Waterloo as a general meeting place when in the Londonz

13. If you were going to travel abroad, where's the nearest country to you?

The Republic of Ireland, where that burst of rage came from a moment ago.

14. If you're female (or possible even some males) do you carry a handbag?

I think "possibly even some males" describes me quite closely so I will answer this. I do not know if it is still a handbag with a shoulder strap or if it has to have really short handles but if the former then yes I have a gentleman's manbag.

15. Do you have a garden? What do you like growing?

Yes I have two. I don't like growing anything, but I seem to be best at patio weeds.

16. Full cream, semi skimmed or skimmed?

Traditionally this was semiskimmed until recently some guy on Reddit explained why actually full cream is better and he used LOGIC so I changed, and I can't say anything is different.

17. Which London terminal would you travel into if going to the capital?

King''''s Cross. I used a lot of apostrophes there in a vain attempt to make up for all the times there has been NONE

18. Is there a local greasy spoon where you live?

I don't know precisely what this is, is it just a cafe? Either way the answer is no, probably the nearest qualifying establishment is Cross Gates which is a good half hour's walk

19. Do you keep Euros in the house?

I am not xenophobic but currently I do not keep anything foreign in the house except a coin I found on the floor.

20. Does your home town have a Latin, Gaelic or Welsh alternative name?

Loidis? Or Leodis? Something like that.

21. Do you have a well known local artist or author?

I don't know about SUPER local as in croggy. I presume those fellows who sang that riot-predicting song must have lived quite near because they went on about Smeaton's which is just over there. Alan Bennett claims to have been from Armley but his Leeds accent is so ridiculously stupid and fake that I think it is bullshit and he comes from Surrey. Ooh, I think Paul Heaton lived not far away at one point. And the late Sir Jimmy Savile, of course. Possibly I stretched "artist or author" to breaking point a bit there.

22. Do you have a favourite Corrie character?

I haven't watched it since like the 1980s so I will say "Alexander From Queer As Folk" because I am sure he is in it.

23. Are your kitchen sink taps separate or a mixer?

Separate. AS GOD INTENDED.

24. Do you have a favourite brand of blended tea?

Well, no. That would be silly.

25. What's in your attic if you have one?

Water tanks, bulbs, lots of insulation, and things that go bump in the night, maybe starlings?

26. If you go out for a cream tea, what jam do you like on your scone?

If I do WHAT? What am I, a character from an early nineties ITV programme? I will have any jam but scones are horrid doughy things.

27. Talking of scones- scon or scown? Jam or cream first?

Scone

28. Barth or bath?

Bath. LIKE IT IS SPELLINGED

29. Carstle or castle?

CASTLE. LIKE IF IT WAS SPELLINGED CASULL

30. What flavour of crisps do you favour?

I am not a great crisp eater but I will happily eat any flavour of crisp

31. If you go to the chippie, what do you like with your chips?

Salt and vinegar I suppose. Oh and fish.

32. Take away, take out or carry out?

I forgot how long these things take to do. I don't know what carry out is or the difference between take away and take out. I do not care for takeaway much. So, that one.

33. If you have one, what colour is your wheelie bin?

I have THREE. A black one, a green one and a brown one.

34. What colour skips does your local skip hire use?

That's a bit of a strange question. "When renovating your bathroom, what colour iron box do you put the old suite in?" Yellow, I think.

35. Do you celebrate Guy Fawkes?

What, the dude or his execution? Because there is quite a difference. I do have bonfires but more because I like burning things than because I care about some old dude who didn't like parliament or whatever the actually story was.

36. Dettol or TCP?

I don't know. Possibly I use something like Dettol on the kitchen floor? I never really give these things much thought.

37. Do you have a bidet in the bathroom?

Don't be silly, now.

38. Do you prefer courgettes or aubergines?

I can't remember the last time I had an aubergine. Courgettes are OK.

39. In the 'real world', do you have friends of other nationalities? Which nationalities?

Of course not, they are FOREIGNERS. Does Scotland count? I know a scottish person.

40. Do you have a holy book of any sort in the house?

I have a couple of old hymn books. I quite like hymns. They really show how much you can do with three chords. Very few popular hymns have any surprises, harmonically speaking.

41. Do you prefer a hankie or tissues?

I do not understand hankies. After you have used them, what do you do? Put them ALL DIRTY LIKE in your pocket until you can transfer them to the hamper? What if your nose runs again? You can't wipe up snot with OTHER SNOT. UUUUGGH. They are disgusting things. Tissues for the win

42. Are you a fan of crumpets? What do you like on them?

Crumpets (I think they are called pikelets in this house) are OK, I suppose. I don't care for them much. Butter and maybe peanut butter or jam on them.

43. Doorbell, knocker or both?

I have a doorbell.

44. Do you own a car? What sort?

No

45. What sort of pants do you guys prefer? Y fronts or boxers?

I don't know exactly what they are called, they are tight but also shorts-like? Maybe "trunks"? But not swimming trunks. Sometimes they don't have willy holes, and even when they do have willy holes, they seem to require a strange three-way tug to get the little chap out. I keep meaning to ask other willy-havers how they handle such situations. Probably just pull the whole thing down a bit?

46. Anyone still a fan of suspenders?

If you mean the sexy lady-stocking accessories they yeah, they are pretty hot. If you are American and mean braces, I AM ON TO YOU.

47. Do you have a favourite quote from the bard?

Dunno about a favourite, but this bit from Measure for Measure is great:

Ay, but to die, and go we know not where;
To lie in cold obstruction and to rot;
This sensible warm motion to become
A kneaded clod; and the delighted spirit
To bathe in fiery floods, or to reside
In thrilling region of thick-ribbed ice;
To be imprison'd in the viewless winds,
And blown with restless violence round about
The pendent world; or to be worse than worst
Of those that lawless and incertain thought
Imagine howling: 'tis too horrible!

I like how it starts out like it is listing what different levels of a Final Fantasy game is like, and then it just becomes incoherent. So kinda like a Final Fantasy game then.

48. Do you like toasted muffins?

Now then, is a muffin not a large greasy bun? Where does toast come in? This meeeem is telling me I don't really understand snacks that are not bars of chocolate.

49. Do you think a traditional trifle should contain jelly?

OF COURSE

50. Do you attend regular religious worship? Of what kind?

NO I AM ONE OF THOSE HORRID ATHEIST PEOPLE LIKE THAT TERRIBLE DAWKINS CHAP.

WELL THAT WAS FUN

Some more moving pictures

peeeeeeet — Tue, 23 Jun 2015 23:06:57 GMT

The Odd Couple

The characters are so iconic I was worried I might be in for ninety minutes of "stay on your side of the apartment!". In fact, though, the relationship between Oscar and Felix is in flux all the time, and the eternally shifting dynamic provides the film with a good, throbbing engine. It's particular satisfying that Felix sort of ends up castling Oscar, ending the film at ease with women. It's a shame that the theatrical roots are never completely overcome and that the supporting cast is mostly flat (though I give the Pigeon sisters a pass for their "The Importance of Being Rosencrantz and Guildenstern" heritage), but there's a welcome cynical edge to the humour, even today.

The Birdcage

After being pleased that Priscilla aged pretty well, I'm sorry to report that this has dated badly, being populated with crude stereotypes, of which Hank Azaria's mincing Guatemalan twink is the most outrageous - hard to believe it would be accepted today anywhere outside of a Seth McFarlane cartoon. That said, despite being caricatures, the film is at its most entertaining when Nathan Lane's drag queen and Gene Hackman's Republican senator are on screen together, though that doesn't happen until well into the second half of the film, which means the first half drags and the ending feels very rushed. The ever reliable Diane Weist almost saves it, but Calista Flockhart is wholly unconvincing as her teenage daughter.

Mr and Mrs Smith

All right, so I'm easy for Angelina shooting guns and blowing things up. I'm not even ashamed. This is a thoroughly entertaining piece of loud fluff.

Blue is the Warmest Colour

Would you think that this undisciplined, soapy excuse for excessive nudity was conceived and directed by a middle-aged, heterosexual man? Yes, you would! And would you further imagine that his two young, conventionally attractive female leads would go on to have mixed feelings about the way he treated them during the shoot? You would be right again! Uncanny. Seriously, though, I do love it when the camera is taken closely into actor's faces, allowing for subtle, nuanced performances and giving them the freedom in long, slow takes to dictate the pace rather than have it imposed on them at the editing stage; but technique can only take you so far, and a few mentions of Picasso and Satre doesn't make the predictable plot or the simple characters any deeper. The L Word could do all this and more in a quarter of the time (OK, maybe without the vaginas). Oh, and I gather the scissoring isn't realistic, though that is outside my field of expertise.

Capote

Biopics I often find frustrating, and this is no exception. Taking the Clutter murders as its jumping off point, it centres mostly around Capote's growing fixation with Perry Smith, interviewing him on death row for the book he thinks will make his career. There are so many possible dimensions to this singular relationship: possible sexual attraction; genuine friendship; "there but for the grace of God"; Smith's using Capote to secure better lawyers for his appeal, and withholding key information perhaps just to keep Capote dangling as part of some cruel suspense. The film, though, barely touches on any of these, keeping at arm's length Capote's sexuality, his drawing into the dark world of Smith and Hickock and the relationship between that and his descend into alcoholism. Philip Seymour Hoffman is spot on early in the film depicting the preening socialite holding court and playing everyone around him like a fiddle, but later he is betrayed by the material and can only offer a generic, primary-colours interpretation of the man. Faint ghosts of ideas - such as Capote actually feeling more at home in the regressive, rural backwaters like those he grew up in than in the New York that fetes him so much - hover at the edges of the film as if terrified that someone might see them. With such talent attached to the project, this is a colossal waste of a golden opportunity.

A Few More Movies

peeeeeeet — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 16:08:27 GMT

If....

Hailing from a time when it was fashionable for some films to be more art installations than movies, where paying attention was neither required nor particularly rewarded. A warts-and-all look at public school life gives way for some broad-brush surrealism, but the relationship between the two lacks the care and precision of, say, Mulholland Dr., leading to some sequences being just plain confusing (more obviously when a dude we thought had just been killed or at least heavily injured turns out to be alive and well and lying in a large drawer for some reason). The slack pace ought to leave room for character development, but McDowell and Peter Jeffrey aside, everyone's a stereotype - the bullying prefect, the droning master, the pretty young fag... and coming from the same area of inspiration that led to every Monty Python woman that's not matronly being an unknowable sex object, the only substantial female role here doesn't even get a name, or an explanation for her unexpected presence in certain later scenes. And yes, that's four dots in the title, because it's deep and profound and meaningful and that sort of thing.

Finding Neverland

Perhaps wisely going down the Shadowlands route, this heavily fictionalised account of the writing of Peter Pan avoids the more, shall we say, Lewiscarrollian elements of Barrie's biography. Johnny Depp is admirably unmannered as the author, and Kate Winslet is her dependable self, with a bit of nice support from Dustin Hoffman and Julie Christie (though both of their roles are a little two-dimensional). Occasionally the desire to avoid dwelling on scandal goes a bit far - Barrie's wife leaves him and shacks up with another guy as if that sort of thing would have been just fine at the time. Or a more subjective note, I found the sequence where Winslet steps into Neverland a good deal more hesitant and timid in its imagery that it could have been. Overall, though, a touching little watch.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Given how much the LGBT world has changed in twenty years, I was worried this would have dated horribly, but for the most part it stands up very well. It's a little episodic in parts, but the three central performances are spot on. Any potentially darker turns are quickly swerved away from; whether that's all part of the camp aesthetic or represents a lack of confidence I'm not settled on, but it's fine.

Rango

For all the kid-friendly elements, this is a surprisingly mature and deep CGI film; a homage to movies in general and westerns in particular, it's really about the nature of Hollywood and the surrounding regions: civilisation and creativity in the middle of desert, with control of water plus a little imagination being the key. Rango is trapped by the very desire to be a hero that defines him, the four borders of the cinema screen limiting but also shaping his place in the world; he doesn't exist before he creates himself, and outside his story is desolate nothingness; even his self-doubt is just part of the arc. Great production design and music and good voice work come together to make an offbeat, reflective film that still finds room for action and jokes. Don't analyse the actual plot too closely, though.

Fargo

I've never got the appeal of these quirky little faux-indie things which the Coen brothers kind of invented and which developed under the likes of Wes Anderson. Not funny enough to be a comedy, not believable enough to be a drama, Fargo is largely a collection of arbitrary events happening to stupid, cardboard caricatures. Worst offender - a man wealthy enough to carry around a million dollars in cash like it's nothing hasn't a clue how to handle a kidnap situation. Only William H Macy really acquits himself, displaying his mastery of still, blind panic, those big eyes staring like a fawn in headlights. I admit I was taken in by the opening "this is a true story" bollocks - there really ought to be a law against that - which led me initially to accept a conclusion in which the police chief investigating some murders just so happens to come across one of the killers while he's suitably indisposed. Apparently this is one of the greatest films of the nineties, one of those "aesthetically and culturally important" things that they preserve for all time. Let's hope, post-apocalypse, the mutant inheritors of Earth come across it, find a way to watch it, and finally understand why we all had to die.

Movies

peeeeeeet — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 13:35:26 GMT

I am not a great watcher of movies. I have, like everyone, my own particular favourites, but I don't care about new releases or following particular actors or directors. Partly I just prefer the longer-form of television where you can get deeper into character and have a greater variety of interactions between ensembles; I also like the crisper beginning-middle-end structure of a TV episode compared to the somewhat flabbier, more meandering structure of a film. However, I am paying for Netflix for at least the next month or so, so I thought I'd watch some films I haven't seen or saw so long ago that I can remember them. Here are some thortz.

The King's Speech

Under the heritagey trappings, this is an odd-couple story about a button-up and repressed dude with big performance anxiety clashing with a let-it-all-hang-out aussie bloke who tries to get the pomme to stop whingeing. By setting a very personal story of repression against the big political backdrop of the inter-war period, it is reminiscent of The Remains of the Day, but that comparison is unfortunate because the elder film is sharper and fresher in every aspect. Supporting characters - notably Churchill and Wallace Simpson - are cartoons of their public personae, and some early cynicism about the true purpose of a royal family gives way to deference and forelock tugging towards the end, even more so than it did in The Queen. The level of political bite can best be summarised by the scene that concludes that what Hitler was saying was less important than how well he was saying it. It's nice to see Helena Bonham-Carter returning to her early-career metier of no-nonsense posh chicks and Guy Pearce has some fun with Abdicating Edward, but the whole thing is too calculating in its targeted appeal to do much for me.

Chicago

I'm not big on musicals, but I enjoyed this immensely. It's deliciously amoral throughout, and while - from a musician's perspective - the songs are a bit samey, the choreography is great, especially the puppeteer bit. The Dennis Potterish device of making the musical numbers part of the character's fantasy is pretty effective. If I have a complaint, Catherine Zeta-Jones fades into the background a bit in the second half - the sub plot of her taking the witness stand to read the diary is a bit odd and comes across as a somewhat desperate attempt to give her some more material. I do like the line at the end about alphabetical billing though - possibly the only film Zellweger's made where that would be a wise suggestion; I wonder if it was in the original and is just a happy coincidence? It seems a bit snide to say "A For Effort", but damn, this film looks like it was HARD.

Oblivion

I started watching this because I thought it was that other recentish Tom Cruise sci-fi film, you know, the Groundhog Day in Space one. About halfway through I finally conceded it wasn't. It looks gorgeous, with elegant, shiny CGI, although the production design occasionally homages its influences a bit too directly to avoid the charge of being straight plagiarism. If I have a complaint, it's that I found the story a little hard to follow in places; there are several big info-dump speeches and if you start to zone out during them, the later big twist moments don't land with the impact they are obviously going for. But as eye candy alone, it's worth the time.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Finally, a film I outright HATED. Fortune Cookie wisdom, evidently considered deeply profound, is awkwardly pushed up against some of the broadest slapstick around. I wanted to punch Ferris in his smug face. His love interest has no character whatsoever and of course, the hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage caused on this little holiday is not followed up on, because adults only exist in this world to be clueless idiots who were never young. And yes, I would have felt the exact same way if I'd watched this when it first came out.

Wreck-It Ralph

The old CGI standby of a sensible, well-meaning character paired with a dippy, initially irritating sidekick is played twice over here, which makes its formulaic nature a bit too obvious. It's great, though. It looks lovely, the premise of a video game antagonist who just wants to be appreciated is fab, bringing with it not just a paean to games modern, casual or retro, but an underlying theme of not looking down on people who do unpleasant but necessary jobs. Voice acting is always on point and who doesn't love the idea of an underground cola lake with mento stalactites suspended above it? I also like how, for a Disney film, it explicitly rejects the idea of being a princess as the only valid objective for a young girl. Game Central Station is also a great idea, allowing for a game of spot-the-celebrity-game-character in a way that doesn't distract from the story. It's up there with my favourite CG animated films of all time.

Girl, Interrupted

Jolie's Oscar aside, this had a rather muted reception at the time, but has aged well. I suspect this has a lot to do with the original author's dismissal of the adaptation as melodramatic drivel. Perhaps it's just that the general level of cheesiness of movies has increased significantly since the late-nineties, but I didn't think it was too over-the-top. The idea of locking up a seemingly nice, middle-class young woman who has an intense connection with a fellow resident reminded me of Orange is the New Black, and got me wondering whether this would have been better as a series; there are several characters here who we only get time to scratch the surface of. Unrealistic as it may be, it really got under my skin - the climactic scene of Jolie taunting Brittany Murphy is still intensely powerful, even without taking into account what would happened to Murphy later in real life. And no one suffers quite so prettily as Winona, do they?

The Omen

Beware the satanic child! Yes, The Exorcist was a good film, wasn't it? This fairly obvious cash-in is very watchable, though. Gregory Peck takes the whole thing very seriously, as does a young David Warner, and the great set-pieces - most notably the sudden suicide of Damien's first nanny - are still very effective. Ultimately, though, it doesn't have the philosophical and thematic substance of the earlier film. Incidentally, my best friend in primary school was called Damien, who would have been born around a year after the film came out. That was a brave mother.

Ghost in the Shell

Anime is one of those genres I feel I should love more than I actually do. The painted backdrops remind me of The Real Ghostbusters, and the cyberpunky plot of the Doctor Who New Adventures; and yet I struggled to really get involved in films like this. Partly, I suppose, the themes are just too well-trodden. If I see one more artificial person angsting about whether they are real or not, I'll scream. Partly, too, the storytelling can be convoluted. It's really hard to keep clear in your head who's who, who works for who, who's double-crossing etc. Perhaps that's an artifact of its adaptation from a Manga comic. There's also something very blokey about how many scenes find excuses to prominently feature boobs.

Hannah And Her Sisters

Well, you can't fault me for variety, can you? This is a small, rather Chekhovian story of the Brownian motion of a showbizzy New York family. There are a few humorous moments here and there, but overall it's rather soapy and bland. I was surprised to see the script won an Oscar, since it commits the cardinal "show not tell" sin; characters stand around, declaring what they feel and summarising stuff that happens mostly off screen; scenes are voice-over narrated when it's plain from the visuals what's going on. Michael Caine also won an Oscar for a performance you could find in virtually any random TV drama. I don't know, man. Maybe there's some deep amazingness here, but I came away feeling very nothingy about it.

All right, that's enough for now. Back to Netflix!