Healthy ramblings of a Sick mind

IMPORTANT

paul_mann — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:30:25 GMT

This is Vital

In the event of necessity, I give power of atorny to Victoria Counter.

(there may be spelling mistakes, I apologise)

A sketch of the past year and a bit

paul_mann — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 08:25:39 GMT

It's been a while since I said anything of interest here, LJ says my last post was about 32 weeks ago and a lot has happened.

The Bad News

Homelessness is a complete bitch, and I've been essentially and technically homeless since Fev 06. Although a lot is done for the homeless community by (mainly xian) organisations, there is still room for improvement by the government. I won't start on this cos I don't want to make anybody's eyes bleed.

Complete and utter emotional breakdowns are problomatic. Since Feb 06 I've conted 3. That means 3 new personalities to come to terms with. Each seems to be that little bit more agressive than the last, but it is tempered with wisdom. It's been like going throuh 3 initiations (inner) and discovering myself for the first time. But hey it's been fun in a way.

... and now the Good NewsConclusions

I don't know what's around the next corner, but I do know it's going to be a real adventure. I've discovered true friends and myself (several times).

I love myself (in a none vain or ickky way) for the first time in my life and I feel ballanced

Long Time ...

paul_mann — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 13:15:22 GMT

hi peeps,

it's been a while, I'm at a local net cafe at the moment and I'm just wanting to let ppl know that I'm still alive.

a lot has happened in the past months that I'm not proud of and they will remain private, though I have come to certain conclusions about myself and my "code of honour" - family, friends, community and self are the order of importance. (I look at is a relearnint).

I know that in my breakdown I have hurt/dissapointed some people and I will make no excuses, I will only say sorry. there are some people I would like to speak to again though I can't pin down my own motives - let it be that I will contacat as and when I am aware.

I've learned to be a very private person and feel that it will take me a while to get to trust myself with me again.

I hope that everyone is okay.

Procratination

paul_mann — Wed, 31 May 2006 05:26:35 GMT

Do you procrastinate? read this and make it work for you.

How too ...

paul_mann — Sun, 21 May 2006 17:24:10 GMT

Priate vinal here.

Anti Depresents

paul_mann — Sun, 21 May 2006 08:49:32 GMT

Took my first yesterday and have just taken my second.

Initial reaction was a feeling of being spaced out as if I was just about to come up on some MDMA, this lasted all day - I guress Citalopram effects the seretonine some how (note to self - look it up on Google at some point).

Walked to Naaomi's and Pauls in Clifton Moor yesterday during the only time it wasn't pissing it down, and it was quite an enjoyable walk. And it was good to see Names and Paul and Kain again, and have the opportunity to just talk with Names.

Got fed (pizza) and couldn't finish it - I don't know if some surpression of appertite is a side effect of the meds or if I just wasn't that hungry yesterday, but will keep an eye on things.

Also noticed my shakes seem to be amplified to day - don't know if side effect or not yet.

Although these meds are supposed to take 4-6 weeks to kick in I had a very up day yesterday even if it would have been my Nans 98th birthday.

I also slept better last night than I have in a long time.

edit Here's Wikipedia has to say about SSRI's

Doctors

paul_mann — Sat, 20 May 2006 05:54:52 GMT

Went to the doctors yesterday and was prescribed Citalopram to help me beat the depression.

Apparently some of the more interesting side effects are: Euphoia, difficulty in reaching orgasm, productin of breast milk (in men and women), a higher and/or lower sex drive, insomnia and halucinations.

Hmm - interesting.

The Best advice ever given

paul_mann — Wed, 17 May 2006 18:09:02 GMT

I met someone today. A kind of cross between a social worker and a counceler. Their exact role in my life is not important, what is important is the advice she gave me.

"It's time you started doing what you want, look after number one for a change instead of everyone else"

So now I'm going to think about what I want: out of life, friendships, relationships and work.

I know I want the following

A place of my own

A job I am comfortable with

Friends I can talk to about anything, without self sensorship

A lover who will be there for me when everythings going crap, and I there for them - without need to second guess each others motives, someone who will take liverly debate as a testing of ideas and not an act of war and will listen to anothers point of view without seeing it as a threat.

Happyness

A family of my own - and all the heartache that entails

I don't think I'm asking too much there - do you?

paul_mann — Tue, 16 May 2006 17:42:51 GMT

apapa Stats

Formed:	16th May 2006
Split:	10th April 2011
Best Album:	‘Chaises Koodoos Lopsided Alumina Slags’ 7/10 in the NME
Best Single:	‘Mediator Ticklers Gavotte Stramony Wireworm Sizzler’ 9/10 in the NME (Single of the Week 23rd May 2010.)
Records Sold:	943,755 in total (201,119 albums, 742,636 singles).
Reputation:	Cult
Groupies:	animedarling is sick and tired of joolsmd’s attempts at seduction. The apapa guitarist recently told Q magazine that they wouldn’t fuck joolsmd with a stolen dick.
Other	After realising how shite ‘God Save the Queen’ really was, Queen Elizabeth II instated ‘Kelters Boltrope Loppier Volvate Civilize Deedy’ as the new national anthem. Another shit song for a shit country.

apapa Member Profiles

amayadaw

Although they have their critics on both sides of the Atlantic amayadaw’s vocal talent is one apapa’s’ strongest assets.

paul_mann

Although prone to the odd bum note onstage, paul_mann more than compensates for this through their cool temprament and professionalism. Oh and his ability to role a killer spliff just when it's needed

paganbirch

paganbirch is fairly competent when it comes to playing the bass. However paganbirch spends too much time trying to emulate their influences.

azodai666

A number of up-and-coming bands have mentioned apapa’s drummer azodai666 in the music weeklies, citing them as an important influence on their current sound.

animedarling

Whereas paul_mann and paganbirch are hardskinned party animals who like nothing more than to get drunk and fuck, animedarling prefers to spend their time composing melodies and working with chord progressions.

Single Releases

#	Title	Date
57	Peebeen	Jul 2006
27	Cassaba Bolloxed Refound Sniped Whore Arhats	Oct 2006
26	Beakless Cycasin	Nov 2006
72	Kelters Boltrope Loppier Volvate Civilize Deedy	Dec 2006
27	Outdrops Tamburs Volar Grope Papyrine	May 2008
23	Cheloids Graffiti	Aug 2008
19	Segue	Nov 2008
3	Sampan Askoi Splodges	Feb 2010
1	Tallitim Agate	Mar 2010
1	Werwolf Pupa Kobs	Apr 2010
2	Mediator Ticklers Gavotte Stramony Wireworm Sizzler	May 2010

Album Releases

#	Title	Date
78	Penalise	May 2006
56	Fragged Bedsit Enticers	Mar 2008
15	Chaises Koodoos Lopsided Alumina Slags	Jan 2010

northern ireland’s worst

Spaceshiip Meme

paul_mann — Mon, 15 May 2006 23:27:00 GMT

The Detailed Starship Quiz

LiveJournal Username

Spaceship Name

Spaceship Size

How is the spaceship piloted?

How is the spaceship powered?

What's the upholstery like on the seats?

How do you see outside the spaceship?

What's the spaceship's primary purpose?

What's the Captain's catchphrase?

Main Weapon System:

Plasma Cannon

Main Defensive System:

Guilt

Chance of catastrophic failure at critical moments

29%

Voice of the ship's computer:

selina_fingers

Finds mandatory uniform unflattering:

robisgirl

Looks sexy in mandatory uniform:

animedarling

Ripped sleeves off mandatory uniform:

face_furniture

Spends an unhealthy amount of time in the weapons locker:

paul_mann

This Fun Quiz created by Akhmed at BlogQuiz.Net

Free Daily Horoscopes at DailyHoroscopes.Biz

Just one thing ...

paul_mann — Mon, 15 May 2006 11:10:38 GMT

It would be good if just one thing this year went as planned, just once. I mean is that too much to demand of the Gods?

I haven't failed at anything - just succeeded in ways I didn't anticipate.

Sure I've remade the aquaintacne of some very good old friends - this was unexpected. But I've also succeeded in finding another couple of ways I can allow my heart can be broken.

I'm lonely - most of the people I can turn to and talk freely with are scattered all over the UK and the rest seem to be in Europe.

I've learned to not trust peoples motives, I even hold mind as suspect.

Well the next 8 days will reveal a lot - those who need to know my intent, do and a few others too

Dreams

paul_mann — Sun, 14 May 2006 13:07:49 GMT

For the past few nights I've been having some weird dreams.

Friday I was walking down Canal Street, Manchester, at night with a group of people I did not know and someone at my side says "What am I?" - and I say "A girl" (she came up to my shoulder and was dressed in baggy trousers and jumper (all in various shades of green), with shord 'dirty blond' hair and piercing eyes) and then she turns to the rest of the group and says "See I told you - he noticed".

All well and good - a strange dream to be quietly forgotten, untill we come to last nights dream.

I don't know where I was, but I was with another group of people (again unknown) it was daytime and we where looking for somewhere to party. Most of the group went in one direction and I went into another and found myself in a darkened room and a girl comes up and says "Hi, remember me!" (given more as a command than a question) "I'm the one you dreamed of last night and you recognised me for what I am", and yes it was the same girl in the same cloathing. She kissed me, not passionately - just friendly and then led me out into the sunshine.

I then found myself alone with a lump of hash in my pocket, I don't know how it got there but I was thankful for it and then proceeded to put together a small joint. And then I woke up just as I took my first hit.

I'm not saying that there is any meaning in these dreams or anyghing, I am mearly commenting on their strangeness. I have had many dreams in the past where I dream of people whome I don't know and sometimes they have been reocuring figures - but I have never been told that I dreamed of someone before in dream - in a way that's what makes this stand out, a kind of surealness.

Maybe its just my head telling me to get some blow and an unconvential friend who asks bloody strange questions.

The mysteries of the random msg

paul_mann — Sun, 14 May 2006 10:26:16 GMT

I did a whois search for the:

(Anonymous)
Subject: phone
Link: (Link)
Time: 2006-05-10 06:38 pm (UTC)
IP Address: 192.190.202.10
can you give me a phone sometime,

My phone died and i can't get your number off it.

:-(

comment left on my LJ - and that ip seems to belong to a company in Holand.

"Curiouser and curiouser" said Alice.

Oh well the mystery shall remain such.

I Want .... I desire ... I Will

paul_mann — Fri, 12 May 2006 20:59:01 GMT

I've realised just now in the past 10 minutes that I've been living my life for the past 10 years plus based upon what other people want of me. Well thanks to a really good friend who recently got back in touch - and made the teacher learn from his student - asking the right questions, I've decided to live my life by my wants and needs.

Paul is back - the pre Mae Paul - no longer will I be pussy whipped by the whims and wills of others. I know very few of you knew me before Mae, though the cances are that you know of someone who did.

I have had time to think about what I want my persona to be after my last breakdown and I've decided to be "that which I am" again (those of a QBL leaning will know this formulea in its fullest and understand some). No more will I be concerned about foolishness of petty wishes, or the stupidity of "Please Mr [insert god name here] can I have ...", I am Mage and Witch and Sorcerer and the universe is my play ground, my toy.

Just to clarify I am friend to those how help me and have helped me and would gladly lay my life down in defence of those. But to those who hinder me now, past or future I will spell it out in english "I am becoming that which I am" and I will quote from Liber Al vel Legis (sub figur XXCC) II - 23 for the hard of thinking "I am alone: there is no God where I am".

Now before anyone gets on their soapbox let me just say "I am I and thou art thou" so if you disagree with me, make it an inteligent argument and not just a rant - a rant would demine me in responding and demine you in it's writing, where as an inteligent, well thought out argument would be listened to.

So he's back Fr. Pan, Fr. S.D.R, Fr. Go Dai Sho and Paul, who has no master but himself.

Okay that's said - How is everyone today?

Remember

paul_mann — Thu, 11 May 2006 17:03:15 GMT

A peom for my Nan - writen 01/05/06

I remember one Yule when I where ill,
You where there holding my hand,
Mopping my brow, keeping me safe.
And I remember more.

I remember when we talked,
An' lessons where in thy words,
Seldom agreements of opinion made.
And I remember more.

I remember holding your hand,
As you lay in wait for thy final breath,
I whispered my Prayers for yor peace.
And I remember more.

I'll remember our final night,
Your Family all around.
I'll remember our every day.
And I'll remember more.

I'll remember ther gifts you gave,
Of wisdom, love and joy.
I'll remember who you where.
And I'll remember all.

(In Loving Memory of Carline May Whitfield 1908 - 2006)

Travel and Liverpool

paul_mann — Thu, 11 May 2006 09:08:09 GMT

Got back from Liverpool yesterday and for the first time in years - I was a little bit sorry to go. I'd made contact with some very good old frinds and I helped my mother understand me a little bit better.

The funeral sevice was nice and of course my eyes developed a really heavy leak.

After the funeral I called my HPS and let her know how everything went - and then Fi, and for some reason just talking to her about her happyness made me feel a lot better about myself.

I was in bed and asleep by 10pm (I fucking hate traveling) and slept almost the night through for the first time in over a week - just woke up once because of the heat.

I'll post again later, I have a poem I want to share with the world, and I have things to do today.

BTW (almost forgot) someone posted this anonomously to one of my posts

can you give me a phone sometime,

My phone died and i can't get your number off it.

:-(

No name is okay (people can be forgetfull) but how do I call a pbone that's died?

Removals

paul_mann — Sun, 07 May 2006 22:41:56 GMT

Have removed some people from my freinds list because as much as I love them we where developing a mutualy destructive relationship. We both have a lot of anger to work through, and while it is not all my fault it is not all theirs either.

The question is where do we go from here - and to be honest I don't know. And therein lies the adventrue - maybe I'll leave York (for me and not because I've been told to) maybe I'll stay - but it's going to be fun either way.

I have rediscovered old friends in the past weeks, I've also made new ones and it's to friends - old and new - that I carry on and endure the pains of life and it's sorrows.

next time we meet I will be the person I choose to be - will you? and I have one person to thank who saw me for who and what I am and gave me the chance to be honest with myself first, and in so being I've been honest with others to the extent that it would have been painful to be so truethfull with myself a month ago. I came out as Bi to my mother and she is fine with it (accepting) and I can now feel what being jealouse is about (painfull but refreshing).

So next time we meet I will have a family again and you will still be bitter, I will be happy - you I don't know.

Just look after yourself.

Gettiong too weird

paul_mann — Thu, 04 May 2006 22:24:16 GMT

Went into Liverpool City Centre today and bumped into someone who helped me bury Pooky - this week is getting too strange for me - I'll be glad to get back to York tomorrow if only for a few days before I have to come back for my Nans funeral on Turesday.

Samhain's getting full

paul_mann — Tue, 02 May 2006 17:42:54 GMT

I got in touch with my oldest friend today (Pete) - haven't really seem him since my wedding, where he was my best man. - and filled him in on current and recent events.

He then told me that his Mum died of lung cancer, his sister of breast cancer and a mutual friend whome we've both gigged with died two years ago tomorrow in a road accident.

I will toast each of their lives and cherrish the memories I have of them later tonight.

Again I need to process - I've lost a lot of good people in my life and I don't know what I feel right now.

But right now I want to tell of his mother and sister. My earliest memory of Pete as a friend in school and not as just someone I knew is one luchntime and I'd had my lunch money nicked and he took me to his. His mother (Elenor) fed me with out question and his sister (Alice) asked me if I was okay and if what she should call me (Paul or Mann or Mannie).

I will always remember their friendship with tenderness and tonight I remembered that first meal of Heinze Tomato soup by having it with buttered bread tonight. As I ate I remembered Bill (Pete's older brother) telling me to just dunk the bread in - which tonight I did as I was too scared and shy then.

In Loving Memory

paul_mann — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 20:20:24 GMT

My Nan passed a few minutes past 1700h today, I'd sat vigile over her with my Father, Step Mother and my Sister Clair untill 0630h and then walked back to my mothers to sleep, so my I was woken at 1708h by my mum who was there at the end.

I went in to see her at about 1800h and she looked so peaceful and restful.

I quoted a part of Liber Al (There are rituals for the elements and feast for the times. A feast for water and a feast for fire. A feast for life and a greater feast for death.) before prommising to feast her life to the fullest.

Anyway I'm still a little bit numb and still processing right now.

I'll post more later.

My Nan

paul_mann — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 22:02:35 GMT

Well I'm in that hell hole known as Liverpool, where you get the impression that the only band to come out of here was the Beatles (although they where Great).

I've seen my Nan and I've said that I love her and I've cried as I told her whilst holding her hand how much she means to me as a friend, as a teacher and as a Grandmother. And although she seemed to be sleeping I knew she heard what I was saying.

Her organs are failing and I know the time of her passing will be in the next few hours or at the most days (she is a still a fierce fighter).

Right now I'm feeling numb in a way, kind of happy at having had the opportunity to see her and say what needed to be said, and sad at seeing her so frail, but she seemed to be comfortable and peaceful.

Anyway I@m about to start leaking again so I'd best go and just leak with a tissue or something.

Ghoti

paul_mann — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:39:10 GMT

Well I'm back from Cambridge and it was a very theraputic trip.

Fi is happy with her new beau, which makes me very happy and yes he got the traditional warnings, and apparently so did Fi from his friends.

A lot has been learned and I'm still processing it all, but I'll tell you what I know now.

I have a true friend I can be totally honest with and talk about anything - a rare thing indeed

The clutter of baggage called my mind has been cleared up - and most of my past relationships have been properly grieved for

I am still in love with jools - and I have written and posted a 7 page letter being as open and honest with her as I have been with myself of late and with Fi, and is more honest and frank than I have been with anyone including myself in years

If I can't be honest with myself first - I have no chance of being so with other people

There are times when it is best for the pupil to teach the master

On a much sadder not, my Nan is dying and I need to get to liverpool tomorrow so that I have a chance to say goodbye, but thanks to Fi being there to offer hugs and understanding it's not going to be as hard as it could have been (and note to self - listen to my own advice and talk about things as they come up with this). I feel like I'm prepared for the bad news.

paul_mann — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 16:03:44 GMT

I'm off for a week, just waiting for my lift down south and I'll update as and when - but pos not untill I get back.

Have fun and enjoy

Memage

paul_mann — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 19:11:11 GMT

Stolen from missmagic

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people, well, only if you want to...

For the Goths

paul_mann — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 09:58:41 GMT

From new Scientist

Goth subculture may protect vulnerable children