If nothing else matters, then I will die trying, thinking about you and I.

Ashlee never imagined when she started dating Pete that it would end like this. She had a hard time realizing that what Patrick and Pete had was more than anything she could even fantasize about. In Pete’s life Patrick comes first, then the band, family, Hemingway, fans, and finally last came Ashlee, she had been ok with that…at first. It was pretty simple, hold on to him for dear life and maybe just maybe he will change his mind, she’ll come first for once or at least before the fans or the dog for god’s sake but sitting backstage before their concert had started watching the interactions between Pete and Patrick it was suddenly so obvious. As much as she wanted to come first in Pete’s life, she isn’t Patrick, she never could be and no matter how hard she and Pete pretended he wasn’t in love with Patrick it simply wasn’t true. She couldn’t help the slight anger that boiled under her skin, how could I have been so stupid.

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The show was amazing, but then again it always was. Ashlee watched from the left side of the stage, she saw the chemistry between the four of them. The way Pete and Joe could work the stage better than any guitarist she had ever met before, the intenseness of Andy’s concentration on what he was doing, on the music that they loved made her wish she wasn’t going to leave this atmosphere behind. Throughout the concert she mostly watched Patrick, listened to his angelic voice wishing her own was as good, she saw the way he glanced at Pete when he thought no one would notice, the smile that came across his face the moment Pete would join him at the microphone both singing the words that only Pete could write so eloquently, the looks that the two would share, as though they had a secret that no one else could understand.

The one time she glanced over to Pete what she saw broke her own heart in two, the way that Pete basked in Patrick; the happiness that radiated from him in a way that it never had or could around anyone else including her. The smalls touches on the arms, the back, the kiss to his neck that she had never quite understood before; it was all there and in those moment she felt like she couldn’t breath. She felt like she was intruding on a personal moment between the two men but she couldn’t turn away from it. The ease between them made her jealous, not that it was her boyfriend and his best friend but that she hadn’t had that with anyone. She wanted to be able to feel completely and utterly safe and at ease with someone, enough so that your not afraid to broadcast it to the world even if they over look it, even if they pretend that it wasn’t completely obvious. When the song was over she left her spot, moving from watching on stage left to Pete and Joe’s bus hoping that she would be able to get a moment alone with Pete as soon as possible, she had even told Dirty to send Pete her way when the show was over, of course Dirty wiggled his eyebrows and walked away but all she wanted was to talk, to truly understand.

She had taken to clasping and unclasping her hands while waiting for Pete, tapping her toe and she even tried to play one of those stupid video games that Joe had been trying to convince her were the best thing since sliced bread but she still could find anything to hold her attention. I mean how often do you plan on confronting your boyfriend and asking him if he was in love with his best friend. She took a deep breath as she heard someone running up the steps and let it out as she saw Pete sweaty and excited, Hemingway running behind him.  The smile that had been on his face disappeared as he saw Ashlee looking at him, a look of what could only be described as defeat all over her face.

“Hey, what’s going on?” when she didn’t answer he threw out another question, “Is everything alright? Ash?”

“I um I wanted to talk to you about something, I’m just not sure how to ask you.” Pete had grabbed her hands off the table and sat down across from her.

“Hey you can ask me anything no matter what the question I promise I’ll try to answer it.” Pete had never seen Ashlee so subdued, she’d always been upbeat and smiling.

“Are you in love with Patrick?” Seeing the look on Pete’s face; it reminded her of one that a child makes when they get caught with a hand in the cookie jar. “Oh god I was right wasn’t I? You are in love with Patrick.” All the hope of him saying no and sweeping her off her feet evaporated when he didn’t respond, as he stared down at their intertwined fingers and she could feel his body shaking slightly.

“Ashlee, it’s a little more complicated then that.” Pete still was unwilling to look at her; he took a deep breath but didn’t elaborate.

“Complicated? I don’t understand how complicated could it be. Your in love with him, I saw it tonight during the concert the way you touch him, the smile he can put on your face, the way that no matter how hard you try not to your whole body gravitates towards him almost like he is the only thing in your life that you can’t live with out. Tell me Pete how complicated is it?” Ashlee wasn’t angry, which surprised her more than Pete, whether it was because she had all that time to think about the situation or because she knew Pete well enough to know that he didn’t realize that Patrick felt the same way, that maybe he was too afraid to even think about the idea of Patrick feeling the same way. “I also saw the way he looked at you, the reaction to the your touches, the same goofy smile that came on his face when you got closer to him. So Pete don’t lie to me, plain and simple are you in love with Patrick?”

Pete didn’t have a chance to respond before Joe came bursting onto the bus, laughing with Patrick about some fan and the shirt she was wearing that had Pete’s face covering every inch of it.

“Oh, Man you totally missed it! It was hilarious your eyes were in the best spot possible, right on her set of huge…”  Before Joe could continue Ashlee cut him off.

“I know this is your bus and everything Joe but would you guys mind giving Pete and me another moment?” Patrick looked at Pete trying to figure out what was going on while Joe made some dirty remark and pulled him out dragging him to the bus Patrick and Andy shared. What confused Patrick the most was that Pete didn’t lift his head once not even to acknowledge Patrick but he knew Joe would have just brushed it off as one of Pete many mood swing moments so he left it alone.

Ashlee had left, telling him that as much as she wanted to be with him she knew where his heart was and that he should confess, put it all on the line. She had joined the other boys on their tour bus, urging Patrick to go talk to Pete. Now Pete was sitting alone on his bus waiting for Joe to rejoin him so that they can leave and head back for Chicago, for home. The lights were off, he had moved from the small table in the bus to the couch his knees pulled to his chest resting his forehead against them, he didn’t hear him enter or the small sigh he let out from the sight of a defeated Pete in front of him but he knew that he was there, he knew he was there before he sat down next to him, before he pulled Pete’s curled body against, Pete’s back to his chest laying between his legs Patrick’s back against the arm of the couch. He knew because it was Patrick and he was Pete and that was enough.

“Tell me what happened Pete.” Patrick whispered afraid of scaring Pete away from talking, once Pete withdraws from the world it’s hard to bring him back. When Ashlee came onto his bus without Pete he knew what had happened between the couple and he had felt joy until he saw Pete scowling in the dark the way he use to when Jeanae and he would get into a fight putting himself into a funk that would take days sometimes even weeks to get him out of. Linking his hand with Pete’s he squeezed, “Come on Petey, tell me what happened.” He could almost feel Pete thinking, wondering what to tell Patrick, if he should tell him anything. Before Patrick could push him a little more Pete moved turning on his side nuzzling his face into Patrick chest a little more.

“Do you ever wander what it would be like?” Pete was being a little cryptic but Patrick was willing to play along.

“What what would be like?”

“Life, without all the obligations, all the fans, the fucking money and even the organizations that we have connected ourselves with; just the four of us playing back at the clubs in Chicago,” Pete signed rubbing his face with his free hand, “sometimes I just wish it was easier, that I wasn’t tired all the time, that I had someone that understands everything without adding to the pressure.” Pete was looking at him now, his dark eyes met Patrick’s light ones, sad eyes met concerned ones. “I just want to close my eyes and go back, there’s so much I would change.”

“Pete you’re scaring me a bit.” Patrick sighed when Pete closed his eyes; he couldn’t breathe when Pete’s unblinking eyes were set upon his. “Tell me what’s going on, why you’re going all philosophical on me tonight.”

“Ashlee figured out my secret, the only one that I’ve been able to keep hidden from the world. She told me that I should confess, tell you everything.”

“Me? Tell me everything, what does that mean?” Patrick body tenses he was pretty sure where this conversation was going to lead but he didn’t know if his heart should be beating this fast, in the anticipation of the words coming out of the slightly short mans mouth.

“Why she broke up with me, why I’m not necessarily disappointed about it and what it has to do with you. I had never intended on telling you or anyone, I’ve barely registered it in my own mind.” Patrick knew Pete well enough to know when to stay quiet, to let him get his whole thought process out and now was one of those times. He rubbed the tan arm lightly trying to encourage Pete to continue as he took his hand away he thought he saw disappointment but that could be his hopes rising a little more. “At night when we’re sharing a hotel room, I lie in those uncomfortable beds and listen to you. Listen to you sleep, it’s come to the point that I know when your past the point of return. You start out slightly restless, moving and breathing heavy, then you find your way onto your stomach and you sigh, every time, you sigh this breathy content sigh almost like your finally comfortable and at this point your mumbling to yourself about anything and nothing from beats to the hat you want to wear the next day and finally your face is turned towards me, your breathing evens out, and theirs usually a slight smile on your face. I know when you have bad dreams, I know when you have good dreams and I know when you don’t have dreams at all. It’s on those nights when I watch you sleep that I feel complete. Watching you inspires me, how innocent and naïve you look in the dark and I imagine myself lying next to you, falling asleep in your arms then morning comes but I don’t sleep rarely do I sleep when I share a room with you because why waste time with my eyes closed when I could be watching you.” Pete hadn’t opened his eyes; he wasn’t sure what Patrick would say back.

“That’s your secret?” Pete tensed as he felt Patrick laugh.

“Hey, don’t laugh I’m being serious here.” Patrick cleared his throat.

“It isn’t even a good one Pete.” Pete raised an eyebrow at the man he was half laying on. “Your secret, it’s not a good one, I knew it already. I could feel you watching me, why do you think I’m so restless at first? It always takes me a couple of minutes to get use to it, and I’ve even woken up quite a few times to you actually laying in my bed with me, your not just imagining it Pete, I know you didn’t want to admit it; that you crawl under my covers and carefully place yourself in my arms but you can. Can I tell you a secret though?” Pete nodded; the words he had always been able to rely on before no longer coming to mind. “It’s those nights that I feel complete, with you lying across from me watching me or when you lie with me.”

“That was only part of it though, my secret.” Patrick’s words made Pete bolder, more willing to tell him the whole truth.

“Oh? Well then please continue.”

“I’m in love with you.” Pete blurted the words so violently that his whole body shook Patrick’s arms went around his waist; he was afraid Pete might take off before he could respond; Pete was always good at running when situations got to difficult to deal with. What he didn’t know was that Pete had no intention on running instead he turned his head up trying to find Patrick’s eyes, “I’m putting it out there, I’m tired of comparing them to you. And trust me I have compared all of them to you. I just want to hold your hand; I want to kiss you on stage and not have to pretend that it doesn’t mean anything, that it’s all for show. I want to fall asleep with you and I want to not fall asleep with you.” Pete wiggled his eyebrows at the younger man, “I just want you and me. I want to be happy. You don’t have to say anything; I mean think about what it could mean what it will do to us and to the band before you…” Patrick had cut Pete off by lifting Pete closer to his face placing his lips on the older mans. Running his tongue over Pete’s lips, biting lightly on his bottom one, it took Pete a moment before he could respond, but after he recovered from his shock, respond he did by sliding his own tongue past Patrick’s lips tasting every inch of Patrick’s mouth. Neither wanted to part, Patrick’s hand finding its way underneath Pete’s shirt, Patrick pulled away the need for air to strong, resting his forehead against Pete’s each man could feel the heavy breath of the other.

“That’s still not a very good secret Pete.” Patrick whispered; searching Pete’s eyes trying to find some kind of reaction. “I knew that too.”

“What! Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I was willing to wait, wait for you to be ready. Wait for you to come to me and now that you have, you don’t get to change your mind. Your kinda stuck with me now.”

“So does this mean you feel the same way?” Pete’s insecurity was shining through.

“Peter, Peter, I fell in love with you the day I met you.” Patrick smiled at the perplexed look Pete’s face, “It took me a while to accept it but the past few years have only made me realize why.” They laid there for almost an hour before falling asleep, Patrick sprawled across the couch, Pete lying on his chest, legs limply laying between Patrick’s, that’s how Ashlee found them the next morning when she came back to see how things went, a secret smile appeared on her face as she walked down the stairs of the bus steps passing by Andy, Joe and Dirty as they walked towards the bus to awake the other two.