Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist.

Patrick could remember all of the mistakes that Pete had made, there were too many to count with his fingers and toes more than he could even count with his bones but he still could remember every single one of them and most of them were pretty bad but today he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life by actually going through with the wedding. Fucking moron. Patrick had done the best he could to make Pete see that Ashlee wasn’t good enough for him; that there had to be someone else out there, like me possibly, that was. After everything that they had between the two of them, the things that they shared; the words whispered into the dark before, during and after the sex he couldn’t believe that he was still marrying her. He could still remember when Pete had finally got the courage to tell him and how it had been the last thing he expected to hear.

Flashback:

Pete watched as Patrick tried to catch his breath, he smiled gently kissing his neck for what was supposed to be the last time. He had asked her this morning, and her answer had been the one he expected. Telling Patrick was going to be hard but he knew that he had to do this, it was the only option because being with Patrick for the rest of his life wasn’t.

“I asked Ashlee to marry me this morning.” His hand fell to the bed as Patrick jerked his whole body away from Pete’s frame.

“You what?” Patrick knew that Pete was more afraid of being gay then he had ever let on, that he was lucky enough to get as close to Pete as he had.

“She said yes.” Pete was drawing pictures on the sheet for his own amusement.

“And you failed to mention this before we had our first let alone second round of mind blowing sex today why?” Patrick was confused; the things Pete was willing to say in the dark and under the covers were always different from what he said and did when the sun was up. He saw Pete shrug his shoulders as he was getting off the bed pulling his pants on.

“I needed this, ya know, one last hoorah.”

“You selfish bastard.” Patrick didn’t hesitate, “You fucking coward, you knew that you wouldn’t be able to tell me, to look me in the eye and tell me. You had to get me all buttered up, make me fall into that safe place with you and then rip it out from underneath me. You had to make sure that you had me at my weakest point.”

“I’ve been too scared to tell you, I didn’t want you to react like this and I wanted you one last time before things got uncomfortable and different I don’t care if that makes me selfish. Tell me that you didn’t want this Patrick.” Pete motioned to the unmade bed. Patrick stopped buttoning his pants and looked at Pete.

“You cocky jackass!” This was the Pete that Patrick had never had the pleasure of meeting face to face, this is the Pete that would sleep with groupies and then send them on their way. This is the Pete that Patrick despised. “You’re getting married because you’re afraid of what we could have. It’s sad Pete, sad that you’re so scared of us that you’d marry someone that you don’t even love.” He didn’t give him a chance to respond before he told him to get out, “Get out now before I strangle you.”

End of Flashback

That was only the beginning of the battle between Patrick and Pete, most of their mutual friends knew what had happened and what was going on between them but some people like Ashlee, had no idea what had made the two “best” friends become so mean to each other. It got bad, to the point that when ever the two of them had a chance they made sure to make some kind of crude remark about the other. The worst was at the engagement party, the one that Andy, Joe and Gabe forced Patrick to attend.

Flashback:

Pete watched as what felt like 500 of his closest friend attended his engagement party, he greeted each of them at the door; shaking the men’s hands and kissing the women’s cheeks. He had just finished welcoming Ashlee’s sister, Jessica and her date John Mayer when he saw him. He wasn’t sure Patrick was going to come, he hadn’t spoken to him in almost two months and he liked to think that he only invited him because Ashlee insisted but secretly he wanted him to come, he wanted to see the strawberry blonde hair and the blue eyes but now that he had, his ability to breathe was becoming harder. As he got closer he began to sweat, no mean words could be spoken today and no rudeness especially with his soon to be in-laws standing almost directly behind him.

“Gabe, Andy, Joe,” He greeted the three men had seen the day before hugging all of them and then turned towards the forth, “Patrick, I wasn’t sure you were going to make it.” They shook hands, both uncomfortable with the action.

“Neither did I.” Andy nudged Patrick with his elbow, “Congrats.”

“For some reason I don’t think you mean that.”

Patrick snorted, “Oh Pete you know me so well. I guess you could say almost inside and out huh?” Patrick winked and he knew he should stop but it was too funny to see the anger present it’s self on the engaged man’s face. He smirked trying to keep himself from looking to pleased him self he moved onto greet Ashlee.

He had only been their for an hour and he was bored out of his mind, rubbing his temple he looked over to see Travie staring at him.

“What?”

“I heard what you said to Pete earlier.” Patrick laughed, “Are you two ever going to figure this out?”

“I don’t know does he ever plan on telling Ashlee that the same day that he asked her to marry him he fucked me, twice.” Travie glared at him as the rest of the people at the table turned to look at them.

“Jesus Patrick, relax.”

“Hey you asked.” As he glance around the room he saw the man sitting across from him at the table was now talking to Pete, whatever the noisy man was saying seemed to be making Pete angrier and angrier by the second. He was looking away when he saw Pete’s head whip around their eyes meeting and that’s when Patrick realized what had been said between the two, his eyes went wide and he headed for the bathroom not even bothering to explain to Travie.

End flashback

That wasn’t even the worst part of the day; an argument between the two escalated in the bathroom, ending with punches being thrown by both sides. Patrick had a black eye for almost a month and Pete’s nose was almost broken. Technically Pete got off better than Patrick but neither had been able to complain too much. It was three months before Patrick heard from Pete again, since the band was on a hiatus at least until the wedding and honeymoon was over, and in typical Pete fashion, it was almost 3 in the morning and Patrick remembered vaguely that it was the night of Pete’s bachelor party. But the door had already been opened and it was too late for him to close the door and pretend like Pete wasn’t at his house.

Flashback:

“Pete?” Patrick squinted into the dark at the slightly hunched over figure in front of him.

“Pattycake” Pete smiled that smile that made Patrick weak in the knees and pushed his way into the house. “Why is the room so dark, Patty?

“Because it’s three in the morning and I was sleeping.” Technically sleeping wasn’t the right word.

“Well don’t let me interrupt,” Pete had turned to walk towards the stairs when he saw Gabe walking down in a pair of boxers his clothes under his arm. “Gabe? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Pete, I don’t think that’s any of your business.” Patrick stepped in front of Pete blocking him from walking up the stairs.

“You’re fucking Gabe?” Pete was drunk and pissed which turned into a screaming Pete. “Your fucking Gabe, How the hell did you go from me to Gabe? How could you do this to me?”

“Do this to you? Pete you’re getting married to a WOMAN for god’s sake.”

“Hey, guys I think I’m just going to go.” Gabe had walked down the stairs getting dressed step by step, “Call me tomorrow, Patrick.”

Pete growled as Gabe ran his hand down Patrick’s arm lightly. Gabe heard him, took is as a warning and got out of the house before Pete took out his rage out on him, he wasn’t afraid of leaving Patrick because if anyone could control Pete and his anger, it was him. After Gabe’s haste exit Pete turned back towards Patrick who raised his eyebrow in return.

“Don’t look at me like that. I am not in a relationship with anyone therefore I can have sex with whoever, man or woman, that I want. Actually, tomorrow I was thinking about calling Vicky and seeing if she wanted to hook up.” Patrick glared at Pete willing him to say something, anything.

“I can’t believe you’re fucking Gabe. I bet it’s because he looks the most like me, ya know we both have the dark hair, the brown eyes, tan skin.” Pete was trying to regain control of the situation, he knew if he tried hard enough he could have Patrick eating out of the palm of his hand like he usually does.

“The height?” Patrick smirked as Pete got flustered by Patrick making fun of him. “Because you know your both so tall and tower over me, that’s what it really is. I like my men to take control.” The sarcasm rolled off his tongue fairly easily, Patrick rolled his eyes as Pete stared at him.

“Your so different Patrick, what happened to you?”

Patrick couldn’t help the bitter biting laugh that came out of his mouth, “What happened to me? You happened to me, you made me this way.” Patrick didn’t sugar coat it because it wouldn’t do any good, Pete needed to hear the words as bluntly as Patrick could say them. “You fucked me royally and not in the good sense either.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You made me fall hard and fast for you, you dragged me along like your little puppy dog and then when something “better” came along you shipped me off to the local animal shelter. You promised me things that you never had any intention on keeping and I knew you, I knew I couldn’t trust you but I still gave you my heart. So I’m sorry if I found someone that wants to do more than just fuck me in the dark and under the covers, I’m sorry that I’m trying to become happy again without you being involved.”  He watched as Pete shook his head trying to collect his thoughts, figure out what was going on.

“Gabe? You really are having sex with Gabe?” Patrick looked at Pete in surprise, “I thought that I was just jumping to conclusions, I mean I guess I was hoping I had jumped to conclusions. I saw him walk down here almost naked and I still held out hope that he was just using your shower or something.”

“What are you doing here Pete?” Patrick sighed he was tired, emotionally tired of all the drama Pete brought with him every where. “Your suppose to be out celebrating.”

“I was, and then I realized you weren’t there. I realized how much I truly miss you.” Pete looked around Patrick’s house, seeing that not much had changed. He took a step closer to Patrick he could see the fear, nervousness and anxiety that was written on his face. Every step Pete took forward Patrick took one back. They continued the awkward dance until Patrick had no where to go, his back was against the wall and there was no escaping Pete or the actions that he was about to take. And as Pete’s lips brushed against his own he didn’t want to escape.

End Flashback

That night had been incredible, the feel of Pete against him again, kissing him, holding him and some part of him thought that maybe Pete would stay but that dream was shattered when Patrick woke up the next morning well technically afternoon cold, naked and alone. He didn’t find the note that Pete had left until after he had taken the hottest shower of his life, trying to get rid of the smell, feel and taste of Pete that lingered on his body. Of course the bruises scattered around his hips, hickeys on his neck and collarbone and even the red and seemingly angry scratches down his back proved it more difficult. Patrick had found the note on the floor as he was picking up his discarded clothes from the night before, it was everything that Pete felt need to be said,

            Patrick-

               I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake                                                                                     Pete

No one could understand this lyric better than Patrick sometimes he actually believed that Pete wrote it with him in mind; it summed up what Pete was and continues to be in Patrick’s life. He kept the note in the drawer between a notebook of scribbled lyrics and poetry by Pete and The Ernest Hemingway book that Pete had given to him for Christmas last year. It was the day of the wedding and Patrick had been laying in bed all day, he didn’t turn the TV on because he knew that some how some way there would be coverage of the wedding he wasn’t attending and it would just hurt more. Last night was hard enough, the fight he had with three of his best friends still lingered in his mind.

Flashback:

“What do you mean your not going?”

“Just that, I’m not going.” Patrick rolled his eyes at the reactions of the three men in front of him. “You seriously couldn’t think I was going to the wedding, after everything that happened? I only went to the engagement party because you made me but I’m standing my ground. I don’t support this wedding therefore I’m not going to attend with smile on my face and pretend like I do.”

“Patrick, you’re his best friend. You have to make some kind of appearance.” Joe had been having this argument with him for the last four days but the other two had insisted on trying again.

“He knows how I feel about him and about the situation; I haven’t hidden anything from him. He already knows that I won’t be at the wedding, I just think this is for the better.”

“I think that you need to go and stop the wedding, make him realize what it is that he’s giving up. Instead of rolling over and playing dead you should go fight that bitch for your man.” Travie wanted both of his friends to be happy and for that to happen, Pete needed to take his head out of his ass and finally see what Patrick could provide him.

“Trav I know that your saying this for my own sake but I seriously think that maybe Pete is happier with her, with the idea of the things she can give him that I can’t and if he’s happy with her than that’s all I care about.”

“How the hell do you plan on working with him again? Together on the same level you guys are geniuses but now that you’re at odds with each other, it’s going to be harder than any of can imagine for the two of you to just sit and write.” Andy worried about the outcome of this situation for the whole band.

“So he’ll give me lyrics and I’ll write music.” Patrick shrugged, putting his head into his hands. “You three are acting like I haven’t thought about this when in reality it’s all I’ve been able to think about. I don’t know how to do this; I’ve never been in this position with Pete. The fights we’ve had before were stupid and ridiculous but this time it’s serious. I know that after he marries her nothings going to be the same and I realize that I’ll never be able to look at him the same, the chemistry that we had won’t be there mostly because I won’t allow it. Everything is going to be different and as hard as that is to accept we all have to.”

Travie shook his head; he was pissed at the reaction that Patrick was giving him. It’s not like Patrick to give up so easily. “You love him, it’s that simple now all you have to do is tell him, make him understand.”

“You think this is simple?” Patrick’s body had gotten tenser, “Simple, nothing about this is simple, simple would be that we both moved on or better yet that we never started anything; that I hadn’t fallen in love with him. Trav I wish I could go to that wedding and beg him not to do this but I can’t.”

“Can’t or Won’t Patrick? Because I think that you won’t and I know that’s because of your ego, you’re too afraid of the reaction you’ll get from Pete. You don’t know how it will end for you if he says no and still gets married. Right now you’re thinking about a negative future that only you can see when you should be thinking about a positive future the one that the rest of us see. Maybe he will say that he loves you, that he’s making a mistake. You have try Patrick. I mean your Patrick you never give up on anything especially not Pete.”

“I get it now. I know what all of you are thinking. You think I’m a coward because I’m not willing to sacrifice my beliefs, my feelings, and my pride for him? Like I have  so many times before, when he told me that Ashlee was only a front, that she meant nothing to him but here I am a year later alone and he’s getting married to his front. I’m tired of being the fool; I’m tired of being the one that he visits in the middle of the night and leaves early in the morning. And right now I’m tired of the three of you taking his side and not even trying to understand mine and all I want is for you to get out now. All of you.” Patrick opened the door not looking at the three men as they each slowly left, Andy was the only one to speak before leaving.

“I get it ya know? Being in love with the unattainable is hard but you don’t know for sure that he’s unattainable, I just think that you’re giving up way too easily and that’s just me to you.” Andy leaned over hugged Patrick close.

End Flashback

He had been watching the clock all afternoon, sitting at his computer in his den trying to get some work done but the clock was taunting him, it felt like every minute it got closer the louder the word coward became in his ear. The wedding started at 4 o’clock and the time on his computer desktop stated 4:15 and Patrick let the breath that he didn’t even realize he was holding out.

“That’s it, Pete Wentz has been neutered. He’s completely off limits.” Patrick heard a knock at the door interrupting his speech, the one he had been preparing for himself all day. He walked to the door carrying a bowl of cereal with him not bothering to look through the hole that he had demanded having when he first moved in throwing the door open not in the mood let alone dressed for company. He dropped the bowl, neither of the men at the door flinched when the bowl broke getting the contents in it spilt all over Patrick’s naked legs and feet.

“Pete?” He whispered the words afraid that if he spoke to loudly this would all turn out to be a figment of his imagination. He looked the shorter tattooed man over, the tux he was wearing made it obvious that he had come from his wedding, the removal of the jacket and rolling up of the sleeves made Patrick think that he was nervous, the he wasn’t completely sure why he was standing where he was standing. “Pete, where’s Ashlee?” Pete chuckled as Patrick rolled his eyes not believing that he had actually said that.

“I’m standing here, when I’m suppose to be in a great hall full of tons of people that I barely know and the only thing you can ask me is where is Ashlee?”  Pete’s confidence pissed Patrick off.

“What are you doing here?” Patrick was blunt and straight to the point, he still hadn’t let Pete into his house he had learned his lesson about that the week before.

“Before the wedding I was talking to Andy and Joe,” he heard Patrick sigh and continued, “I know that I don’t even deserve to be standing here in front of you but I just…I don’t even know what to say.”

“You could start with an apologize and maybe an actual reason why you’re here standing in front of me when you shouldn’t be.” Patrick wasn’t willing to back down this time.

“I couldn’t do it, I stood there in front of the people and just as they began to walk towards me I freaked, watching her in that white dress and I knew in that moment that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be with her for the rest of my life when I couldn’t even smile on the day that I was suppose to be marrying her. Then I thought about you and I knew what I had to do. Please, Patrick I was jackass, I pretty much always am a jackass, I don’t deserve you but please tell me I’m not too late, tell me that I still have a chance to gain your trust back. I just want one more chance to prove to you that I can be better, that I want to be better.” 

Patrick went to say something but instead of words coming out of his mouth their was a knocking sound and Pete started to disappear. That’s when it went from light to dark, as Patrick woke up in his bed wiping the sweat from his brow trying to wake himself up. A dream Jesus Christ it was only a dream. He rolled over pulling the covers over his head, that’s when he heard a knocking sound on his window. He peeked his head out from under the comforter and looked at his clock he saw that it was midnight. He squinted in the direction of said window, the only person that he could remember ever knocking at his window before was Pete. That’s when his heart started beating rapidly pulling himself together he realized that his hopes were up again maybe he is here. He climbed out of his bed and made his way to the window slowly, pulling the blinds up he saw him, sitting in the tree that was conveniently located next to his window. He pushed the window up and moved to the side allowing Pete to slide his slim body into the room.

“Jesus Christ Patrick it’s about time you woke up, I’ve been at that window for at least an hour and a half.” Pete rubbed his hands together and looked Patrick up and down, smiling at the sight of him in his pajamas bottoms and a clandestine shirt.

“Pete, aren’t you suppose to be on your honeymoon?” Patrick was perplexed and lifted his eyebrow.

“How long have you been asleep, ‘Trick?” Pete chuckled a little at the glare he was on the receiving end of, “I didn’t marry her. I couldn’t, the whole time I was getting ready, while I was talking to my mom and my dad, when I was talking to her parents all I could think about was you. I know this whole thing is corny, climbing up a tree knocking on your window but Patrick you’ve always been there for me. When I was getting ready all I wanted was to see you, to hear something come out of your mouth. I wanted you tell me that I was making a mistake and then I talked Andy and he told that you were at home, that I should make sure I knew what I was doing before I made what could be the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t know, and I kind of still don’t know what I’m doing.” Pete rubbed the back of his head, “I snuck out of the bathroom window and I went to the dog park with Hemmy in my tux and everything. It was weird not knowing what to do but I spent a while there trying to figure out what I want and now I know.” Before Patrick could respond he felt Pete’s lips against his, pulling back slightly Pete continued. “Is this ok? Can we start again?”

“It may take some time Pete; I mean we’re both a bit of a mess.” Pete pulled him closer.

“You say we’re a mess, I saw we’re a work in progress.” Pete motioned to the bed, “What do you say we start progressing.”

“I’m not having sex with you Pete.”

Pete chuckled, “No sex, just two grown men cuddling.” He had lain down in Patrick unmade bed pulling on Patrick’s arm hard enough to make him fall onto the other side of the bed. Pete pulled Patrick’s tense body flush against his chest he could feel Patrick take a deep breath and his body relax. Neither knew where this path was going to take them but both were more than willing to follow it.

“I love you, Patrick.” Once Pete felt Patrick’s body succumb to sleep he whispered the words that he had always been afraid of saying, “More than you could ever imagine.”