The Greasiest One of Them All

There were a lot of things Pete Wentz could do when he was bored.

But first there was one thing he couldn’t do, and that was practice his bass. It broke. But as for what he could do:

He could read hot, sexy, steamy Gabe/William slash (he was a fan, but if you asked anyone they’d laugh in your face), he could jack off to the porn magazine underneath his bunk, or he could read the FOBR boards, laughing at the unknowing boardies because P33t Wh3nc3 iz lurkings!!!!111!!!one

Instead he just read Harry Potter.

He was reading the Half-Blood Prince, and as he read up to the part where Snape killed Dumbledore, he starting tearing up (again). For like, the thousandth time.

“Jesus Christ, Snape,” Pete muttered, mostly to himself, but also a little bit to the book, “You just had to be a bastard didn’t you?”

Every single time anybody (i.e. Patrick, Andy, Joe, even Ashlee) told him that Snape was actually good and in the end he died and Pete will you please get the fuck over it, Pete ignored them.

Because Snape killed Dumbledore and that shit just didn’t happen.

“I’d kill you if I could,” Pete muttered to the book, it’s pages rustling a bit.

Suddenly a loud crack rang through the room.

Extremely loud. Loud enough to tip Pete off the chair (that shows all you idiots who rock back on their chairs) and fall flat on his ass.

Now that was pain in the ass. Not the good kind, like when it hurt after him and Patrick spent Valentine’s Day together. The bad kind.

Pete looked up, and saw a dark, willowy figure. Confusing. Dark, willowy figures don’t just show up on your tour bus. He vaguely regretted making Joe and Patrick switch bunks tonight, at least with Joe he could assume he was high off of his crack.

But with Patrick, he’d probably yell a lot.

The dark, willowy figure lifted its head, and Pete recognized the face almost immediately.

Actually, immediately, from all the many times he’d seen the movie, and dreamt of beating the face up in his dreams.

“Snape!” Pete gasped, “What-what the fuck are you doing in my bunk?”

Snape smirked, “Pete Wentz, so we finally meet. It’s you who’s been death-wishing me for the past year.”

Pete narrowed his eyes, “You killed Dumbledore.”

“He told me to!” Snape spat, “Do you not know how to read? Didn’t you read the Deathly Hallows?”

“I don’t give a shit about the Deathly Hallows,” Pete snarled, “You killed Dumbledore. That shit doesn’t happen.”

Pete saw Snape roll his eyes, “Jesus Christ!” He yelled, “You’re a fucking idiot! Dumbledore told me to kill him, and eventually Voldemort would kill Harry-You know what? You probably wouldn’t understand anyways.”

“I wouldn’t!” Pete shrieked, brandishing his pen. Oh yeah, never underestimate the power of a mighty pen. Ever heard of the line, The pen is mightier than the sword? He moved out of the bunk section of the bus. “You killed Dumbledore! That shit doesn’t happen!”

“Pete?” Patrick walked into the room, rubbing his eyes, dressed in soft, baby blue PJs and a teddy bear in his hand. He was that cute. Seriously. “Why do I hear yelling?”

“Snape killed Dumbledore!” Pete yelled at him.

“He told me to!” Snape shouted back, “It wasn’t my fault!”

Patrick looked at Pete. Then at Snape. Then frowned. “Am I dreaming?”

Pete walked over and pinched Patrick on the ass. Hard. “No you’re not,” He retorted.

Snape looked at them both, “Oh for the love of God,” He huffed, “Now not only am I dealing with a psychopath who wants to kill me, he just happens to have a boyfriend who’s so cute kittens fall dead at the sight of him?”

“Wow Pete,” Patrick commented, looking at him, “You really need to wash your hair. It’s as greasy as Snape’s.”

The two men glared at Patrick. Patrick took a small step back.

“Wash your hair?” He suggested weakly.

“I don’t wash my hair,” Snape scoffed, “J.K. Rowling made my hair all greasy.”

Patrick looked at Pete.

“I don’t like washing my hair,” Pete told him, “You know that.”

“But it’s gross.” Patrick said, dully.

“That’s not the point,” Pete said impatiently, “The point is, Snape killed Dumbledore. Now he has to face the consequences and apologize.”

Snape gaped. “That’s it?” He asked, “All I have to do is apologize for Dumbledore’s death?”

Pete nodded, a determined look on his face, “Apologize, and face the consequences.”

Snape frowned, “I’ll apologize, as long as you wash your hair. It’s disgusting.”

“What about yours?!” Pete asked, looking offended.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Snape pointed out, “You do.”

“Oh God,” Patrick muttered, “This is turning out to be one of those ‘appreciate-what-you-have-in-life-before-its-gone’ kind of moments.”

Pete looked at Patrick. Patrick took a step back. Pete grabbed Patrick and planted a huge (and really wet) kiss on his mouth.

“I love you!” He said grinning.

Patrick’s jaw was in level with the floor, “What the fuck, where did that come from?”

“Snape has magical powers,” Pete told him, grinning from ear to ear. To a fan, it would’ve looked adorable. To Patrick, it looked vaguely disturbing.

He took a step back.

“What are the consequences?” Snape asked behind Pete.

“I want to be able to fly.” Pete demanded.

“Not going to happen,” Snape replied, crossing his arms.

“Let me be able to read people’s minds.” Pete huffed. Actually huffed.

“Not going to happen.”

“Can I have a broomstick?”

“Not going to happen.”

“A bigger penis?”

“Yours is fine.”

“A better sex life?”

Patrick thwacked him.

“Not going to happen.”

“What about fixing up my bass?”

Snape turned to Pete’s broken bass lying on the ground (and he wonders why it’s broken), drew out his wand, mumbled something, and the bass was good as new. Seriously. Shiny and shimmering and pretty and new.

“Gentlemen,” Snape cleared his throat, “I’d love to stay and chat, but it seems I have to leave.”

Before anyone could answer, a loud crack rang through the room and he disappeared.

Patrick sucked in his breath, “Wow. Pete. That was. Interesting.” He paused, then added, “At least you got your bass fixed.”

Frowning, Pete turned to him, “Is my hair really that bad?”

Patrick didn’t say anything.

Two weeks later, when Pete was once again bored, he decided to pick up Harry Potter. It was then when he got up to the part when Snape killed Dumbledore, did he realize that Snape never apologized for killing the ex-headmaster. It was then when he started yelling and swearing about how he even washed his hair and that was so unfair and Patrick laughed.

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