One Last Thing To Do Before I Die
Title: One Last Thing To Do Before I Die
Author:
clippedwings
Summary: What would you do if you knew you only had twenty-four hours to live?
Rating: Hard R/NC-17
Author's Notes: Based on the song "24" by Jem. I think I found my muse again. Remind me that if I try to do third person again, I should start out in first person so as not to get so lost :\ because I really like this ten times more than a lot of my fics.
Oh and I demand evil!Pete/Pete fic after the new TAI video. Just saying.
crossposted to
slutrick, slashypunkboys, patrickxpeter
What would you do if you knew you only had twenty-four hours to live? You would probably try to accomplish everything you had always wanted to do but never had a chance. You might try extreme sports, bungee jumping, and skydiving. You might try all the foods that you’ve always been too chicken to try. You might go on a cross-country trip to see how many sights you can see before the twenty-four hours are up. You might even take the chance to tell someone that you love them, knowing that dying without knowing how they feel about you would just be too much torture.
My name is Pete Wentz. I have just come back from the doctor’s office and have been told that in about twenty-four hours, I will drop dead. And there is nothing that I can do to stop it. And this is my log.
The first thing I do is pull out my Sidekick and dial Patrick’s number. I don’t care if it is some ungodly hour in the morning. If I’m gonna be going through my final hours of my life, I’m to bringing my partner in crime with me. It takes five rings before he picks up. I can tell by his voice that he was asleep when I rang.
“Yello?” Patrick asks, a raspy voice filling my ear.
“’Trick. Can I come over?” I try my best to disguise the fear and the sadness from my voice. I don’t want him to know the real reason behind my visit. I don’t want to scare him.
“Now? Can it wait? It’s five freaking four in the morning,” Patrick whimpers, and I can just barely make out the hint of a yawn.
“It can’t wait. Look, just please? There’s something I want to do. And it wouldn’t be the same without you.” I know that it’s not fair to withhold information like this. But I want to enjoy this without worrying about Patrick babying me the entire time.
“Pete, you owe me big.” I know he’s one of the easiest people to sway, especially when it comes to me. I know how to make him cave in. Just put on a pouty face, give him the puppy dog eyes, and he’s broken. On the phone, all I have to do is whine. Apparently I don’t even need to do that this time.
“Thank you, babe. I’ll meet you in front of your house in ten minutes?” I ask, smiling as I imagine him rubbing his eyes and putting on his glasses. I always loved the thought of waking up to him every morning. I just wish I had gotten the guts to tell him before my life came with an expiration date.
“Ten minutes? But your house is farther away than that,” Patrick replies, and I can pick up the hint of confusion on his voice.
“I’m not at my house. I’ve been driving around,” I lie, not entirely sure if there would be a better way to disguise the reason I was in the area.
“Okay…” I can tell Patrick doesn’t believe me. I don’t expect him to. He could always tell when I was lying. “See you soon.” Now there’s a dead line. I hang up the phone and start up my car to make my way towards his house.
Deep down inside, I’m deathly afraid of what will happen to me. The doctors didn’t give me details of what would happen. They only said I would become much more tired as the day wore on. And that eventually I would simply fall asleep and just never wake up. It doesn’t seem like a bad way to go. But I know I don’t want to go alone. I just want Patrick by my side as I cope with this.
I show up at his house ten minutes after I had hung up with him, just like I said would happen. He’s already outside, dressed and looking rather sleepy. I don’t blame him if he’s angry at me for forcing him awake. But there’s no time for sleep right now.
“So, what is this really important thing you need to do?” Patrick asks, and he yawns, almost gratuitously as if he were intent on making me feel absolutely guilty. If that was his intention, then it was definitely working.
“Just want to spend the day with you,” I answer sweetly, grinning my notorious grin at him.
“At five o’clock in the morning?” he answers with a skeptical look on his face. Okay, so he’s got me there. Quick, I need to think of a response that won’t clue him into my condition.
“Why not? I’ve got insomnia so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t start the day early. Get in the car, Stump, or I’ll kidnap you.”
Patrick lets out a small groaning noise and slides into the passenger’s seat. “You really, really owe me one. Where are we going?”
“Disneyland’s not open for another few hours, so I figured we could go to this diner near it for breakfast. By the time we eat and get there, the doors should be open.” I might have planned this out from the time the doctor told me what my condition was. I know that I need to go to Disneyland at least once before I die.
Patrick raises an eyebrow and turns his head, very calculated, and I’m almost convinced he’s going to slap me or pinch me. But instead he laughs and shakes his head.
“Wentz, you fucking Pan, I’m gonna kill you one of these days.” Well, at least he doesn’t suspect anything, right? I mean, it’s better that he thinks I just want to be young again than accomplish everything I always wanted to accomplish before I die.
“Yeah, I know,” I reply, even though he has no idea how wrong he is. The only one who is going to kill me is myself.
I pull the car in drive while Patrick plays with the radio. Within moments, I’m pulling onto the road and we’re off on our journey. I could spend time recounting every little thing. Like the way Patrick listened intently as I ranted about every little fucking thing, or how amazing the waffles with strawberries and bananas tasted now that I knew that was the last time I was going to eat waffles. But that’s not important.
What’s important is that we are now pulling into the parking lot of Disneyland and my eyes light up. It’s about eight o’clock now, and my clock is slowly running out. Only twenty-one hours before I die. And I know that this in and of itself will consume a good many hours. But that’s all I need. My plan is simple. Two hours or so spent at Disneyland, lunch at the In N Out burger, and then the rest of the afternoon leading up to the big finish. Cooking a romantic dinner for two so I could finally tell Patrick what has been on my mind for the past twenty-seven years of my life.
So we embark on a most exciting adventure, walking through the gates of the amusement park. Patrick makes some witty pun and I laugh, and he pays for both our tickets despite my insistence that I at least pay for my own. Before long, we’re standing on line for roller coaster after roller coaster. Each one blurs into the next one, because it’s not the roller coasters themselves that I’m focusing on. It’s the feeling of exhilaration that I get as the wind whips through our hair, almost taking Patrick’s hat with him (which he finally resolved to hiding so he doesn’t lose it – what’s a few minutes of going hatless?). It’s the feeling of squeezing Patrick’s hand as we’re tossed from side to side and upside down. That feeling in the pit of my stomach as I’m weightless that I craved to feel time and time again but never could. And spending the day in Disneyland – one of the so-called happiest places on earth – with my best guy by my side is definitely how I want to go out.
The time is now eleven twenty-eight. I have eighteen more hours to live and it doesn’t pain me at all to know that I used three of them walking around the grounds of an amusement park. I have eighteen more hours to waste away with my best friend. My list of things to do before I die isn’t really that long, and so long as I can check off the most important one all the rest are really not all that important. They’re just technicalities.
So we leave the park after the last ride, and I grab Patrick’s hand as we practically race for the car. I swear, I’ve never seen him so happy, and to have his smile be the last thing I see? I think I would die happy.
“Where to next?” Patrick asks me, and I see a twinkle in his eye. I wish I could steal that twinkle and fasten it up to rest with all the stars in the sky. It would be a subtle reminder as I’m traipsing across Heaven that he’s not too far behind me. That no matter where I am in the universe, I can remember the shine of his eyes as he looks at me and asks what my next plan for an adventure is.
“I was thinking a little lunch. Is there an In N Out place around here?” I know that Patrick doesn’t particularly like In N Out, but it’s the one fast food I can stand out here, and I know it would make for a decent last meal.
“Yeah, I think there’s one nearby. Want me to ask?” Patrick asks, and I know that smile won’t be fading anytime soon. It makes my heart speed up to think that I was indirectly the one to put that undying smile on his face.
“Nah, we’ll find one. There’s like a bajillion around here,” I reply and start up the car.
Sure enough, we found one of the joints really quickly. We wasted a mere twenty minutes tops getting there, making it seventeen hours to go. The meal isn’t the most exciting, so I won’t bother recounting it. But the company…man, the company is simply amazing. Patrick is in his element. Making jokes, throwing the plastic wrappers of our straws at me. He looks positively happy and I can’t help but wonder if he notices my accidental touches aren’t really that accidental.
We’re leaving the restaurant less than an hour later. Sixteen hours to go. Almost half the time is up and I know that I have to start using my time wisely. I can feel my time bomb ticking and it’s making everything just a little harder to do. I’m almost dragging myself now, and I know I have to save just a little bit of energy, just in case.
“So, since we still have some time until dinner, how about a break from each other? Meet me back at my place in two hours?” I ask, trying to hide the sly smirk that’s trying to break through and ruin everything. I know that if he sees that smirk he’s going to know all of my plans, and it’ll all be ruined.
“Do we have to?” Patrick asks, smiling at me with that goddamn unbreakable smile. I just want to cut it out and paste it to my wall so I’ll always have a reminder of how happy he is.
“Well, I mean you could come over if you want, but I’d have to lock you in my room to keep you out of my way,” I tease, sticking my tongue out at him. “I’m not gonna stop you, but I’m just gonna say, tonight I do want to surprise you with something.”
Patrick looks at me with this skeptical expression, eyebrow raised and he chews on his bottom lip as if he’s studying me closely and trying to get into my head. He nods, and leans over to ruffle my hair. “Okay. I’ll get ready for a surprise while you get the surprise ready. Just so I don’t ruin it.”
I smile at him and start my car again to drive him back to his house. “Dress nicely.” I figure, if this is going to be my last meal, I’m gonna go out with a bang. If you were to ask me what I wanted my last meal to be like, it would be as such: the food itself could be boiled rice for all I care, just so long as there were candles, soft lighting, and a smiling Patrick sitting across from me.
“Oh, gonna treat me like a hot date, are we, panda?” Patrick teases, waggling his eyebrows. He doesn’t have any idea how right he is. “Well, suit yourself. I will but on my best suit, just for you.”
I smile and simply concentrate on driving, humming along to the music on the radio. I cannot wait for this night to happen. Part of me is dreading what is to come of it, but judging by how Patrick is acting right now, nothing bad can happen. Knowing that I die, so long as I know whether there was a shot we could have been together or not is just enough of a resolution for me.
I drop him off and finally return to my place to spend the next couple of hours preparing a rather exquisite meal using only the best recipes found on the World Wide Web. While the food was cooking, I put a tablecloth on the dining table; I put a candelabrum in the middle of the table, and burnt incense to give the room a scent of vanilla. Now the only thing I would need is Patrick.
And Patrick arrives promptly at five, just as I made sure he would. He is wearing his best suit, and I want right then and there to give him a kiss. But that would spoil everything, especially if he recoils and slaps me across the face to leave me crying my last hours away.
“Peter…you look nice.” His eyes sweep across my body and I can’t help but blush. I can’t remember the last time he looked at me like that, but I know that it was not enough. I feel naked under his eyesight, like he can see everything that is I and everything I am.
“Thanks. I try,” I quip and I lead him into the dining room. I can practically hear his breath get stolen away as he regards the sight. I’ve exhausted all my resources to make sure the room looks positively beautiful for him. The table has a sprinkle of pine leaves and cinnamon sticks crumbled across the cloth. If I am to die tonight, I might as well use everything I have. It’s not like it’s going to be useful to me after death.
“Peter. This…this just looks amazing.” I can’t help but grin as he admires everything before him. I eventually guide him to the other seat and I’m really surprised by now that he hasn’t questioned anything that’s happened today. I was sure that I would have to lure him away from the train of thought that I’m dying.
I grin as I sat down in my own seat and we started what would end up being our last meal together. As I’m beginning the first course, I can feel Patrick’s eyes on me. I glance up to notice he’s staring at me.
“What’s the occasion?” he asks, and I have to keep myself from wincing. I knew that question would come up sooner or later. I just wish he didn’t ask until after dinner.
“I have to have an occasion to shower my best friend with attention?” I ask, smirking slightly as I dig into a salad.
“You hardly do this, even on my birthday,” he points out, and I put my fork down and sigh. I really didn’t want this dinner to descend into chaos because of this.
“You won’t understand…” I whisper, taking the napkin to wipe off the side of my mouth. “I just…can we enjoy this dinner and I’ll answer everything after we finish?”
Patrick seems to give in for now, and he resolves to eat his meal. The meal is unnaturally quiet, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s not so awkward as it is peaceful. Any talk we would probably have at this point would end up destroying what we’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Finally, both of us finish eating. Three courses later, mind you, but it happens eventually. Which means there is now ten hours left, and I’m definitely feeling it. Might heartbeat is slowing down and it feels like everything is shutting down to take care of the food I just ate.
“Well…we finished, mind answering my question? Why are you doing this, Pete? Why did you drag me to Disneyland? Why did we go all out today? It’s not my birthday, it’s not your birthday, there’s nothing special happening with the band. What’s going on?”
I have to draw in a deep breath because I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to tell him the reason why I was doing this was because I love him and I’m not sure if I’m going to live past today. I don’t want to see the look - that perfect smile - destroyed because of the news I have to bring. But I know it’s now or never. And I’d rather risk the chance of seeing that smile break than never knowing what could have happened.
“Patrick. This isn’t easy for me to say at all. Today was the best day of my life and I owe it to you.” I draw in another deep breath before I continue. “I asked you along because today was my last hurrah. When I called you this morning, I wasn’t driving around; I came from the hospital. They told me I have about twenty-four hours to live, which by now means I have ten hours left. And I wanted you around with me…” I close my eyes because I’m not sure if I can handle seeing the shift in his face, whether it is to delight or to disgust, when he reacts. “I wanted you around with me because I love you and I want you to be the last thing I see, do, and breathe before I die.”
I can’t hear anything for a good few minutes before I take the chance and open my eyes. The sight I’m greeted with is not exactly what I hoped for, but also not completely a bad one. He had a look of hurt and confusion mixed with relief, anger, and I think deep beneath all the layers there was a hint of love. I may be imaging it, but I am definitely hoping that was love.
“Pete…please tell me you’re joking. If this were April, I would say this is April Fools, but it’s not…who put you up to this?” I wish I could just push the entire table aside and kiss him right now, but I’m not sure how he would react if I did.
“I wish I were joking. But no matter even if I were joking, I still do love you,” I insist, staring deep into his eyes to show that I’m not lying, that this is exactly what I mean.
“You can’t…you can’t be serious. You just…you can’t! You can’t be dying…” Patrick states stubbornly, and he’s pushing his chair back and standing up.
“Unless the doctors were lying…I’m gonna die in just ten hours,” I whisper, looking away because I don’t want Patrick to see me at my weakest. And I still don’t seem to have any sort of reaction to my admission. “Patrick, just…I love you. I need to know if you love me.”
Patrick stays in the spot where he’s standing, and there’s silence between us. I have no idea what’s going on through Patrick’s head, but I hope the conclusion ends up being good. I know the one thing I could not possibly handle right now is dying alone.
“I wish you told me sooner,” Patrick whispers, and I have to strain to hear him. “I just can’t believe you’re telling me now…and tomorrow I’m gonna lose you.”
“Don’t think about tomorrow,” I urge him. “We still have a little over nine hours to do whatever we want. I don’t even care if we just stay close to each other all night. I just know that you are the last person I want to be around.”
Patrick’s chewing on his lip one second, and before long, he’s embracing me, and it’s lips, tongues, hips, and thighs. Hands wandering to new places, sounds neither of us heard the other utter before. It’s backs against walls and hands under shirts and curses, delightful moans. It’s everything I’ve wanted and not a moment too late.
Before long, he’s got me on the bed, and he’s tearing off my clothes. I’ve lost track of time, because when you’re on your knees, or your back, or your stomach, does it really matter how much time you have left? You make time for love.
I feel something strange, and I realize there’s a finger inside of me. I’ve been so distracted I didn’t even realize he was preparing me already. Then there are two fingers. I watch as he puts on the condom and I lick my lips. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life. I only wish this wouldn’t have to be the last time I experience this.
Once he’s ready, he pushes inside of me, and I feel strange. Like I’m whole, like he was the piece that was missing my entire life and he was now filling me up. It may be painful, but that doesn’t last that long. It’s all worth it when I feel that blinding pleasure, and I curl my toes, my fingers, and I’m sure if Patrick wasn’t holding me down, I would levitate with all the magic I was feeling.
I thought I was going to die sooner than the doctors said as my entire body spasms with pleasure and I realize that between Patrick’s hand and his cock inside me, I’m coming, I’m coming, and I’m spent.
The last thing I want to do right now is fall asleep, but my body is much too exhausted between the sex and the dwindling. Patrick’s arms wrap around me tightly and he presses his lips to mine.
“Will I see you when I wake?” he asks, and as usual I don’t know the answer. I don’t know if I’m even going to wake up. I do know that it would take nine hours to die now, and that with my insomnia there would be a small chance of waking. But I also know that sex wears me out and in my new physical state? Well, there are no guarantees.
“I don’t know,” I admit, as he stay close to him, wrapping my arms back around him. “Just hold me. I want you to hold me until I die.”
And with that, I feel myself pulled into a deep and dark slumber. Everything is dark and I’m slipping, slipping away into an abyss. It feels like mere minutes before I wake up and I’m no longer myself. I’m floating above my body and I know Patrick can’t see me.
Oh god, he’s crying, tears streaming down his face and he’s shaking me violently.
“Wake up!” he screamed. “For God’s sake, don’t leave me, please wake up! Pete, wake up!”
God, how I wish I could open my eyes. I just want to say one last goodbye. For Christ’s sake, I never even got to say goodbye!
I know I can’t wait around forever. There’s something pulling me, willing me to leave him. He’ll cope, it says, he’ll be okay. But how can I be so sure? The way he’s crying over me, the way he’s grieving. He’s not going to be okay.
But I don’t have a choice. I’m dead, I can’t be brought back to life. I should just relish the fact that I got to do everything I wanted to do. Even if it meant knowing that I would never be able to do it again.
And before I know it, the sky’s opening up. Patrick has no idea what’s going on, it’s only something I can see. I feel myself getting pulled towards it, but I keep my eyes focused on Patrick the whole time. Be safe, my little one. Know that I will always be watching over you. Maybe I’ll be like Orion and they’ll cut me out amongst the stars so you’ll always know I’m there. Or perhaps I’ll be made a Watcher. But no matter what happens, Patrick, know that you will never be alone.
Author:
clippedwingsSummary: What would you do if you knew you only had twenty-four hours to live?
Rating: Hard R/NC-17
Author's Notes: Based on the song "24" by Jem. I think I found my muse again. Remind me that if I try to do third person again, I should start out in first person so as not to get so lost :\ because I really like this ten times more than a lot of my fics.
Oh and I demand evil!Pete/Pete fic after the new TAI video. Just saying.
crossposted to
slutrick, slashypunkboys, patrickxpeterWhat would you do if you knew you only had twenty-four hours to live? You would probably try to accomplish everything you had always wanted to do but never had a chance. You might try extreme sports, bungee jumping, and skydiving. You might try all the foods that you’ve always been too chicken to try. You might go on a cross-country trip to see how many sights you can see before the twenty-four hours are up. You might even take the chance to tell someone that you love them, knowing that dying without knowing how they feel about you would just be too much torture.
My name is Pete Wentz. I have just come back from the doctor’s office and have been told that in about twenty-four hours, I will drop dead. And there is nothing that I can do to stop it. And this is my log.
The first thing I do is pull out my Sidekick and dial Patrick’s number. I don’t care if it is some ungodly hour in the morning. If I’m gonna be going through my final hours of my life, I’m to bringing my partner in crime with me. It takes five rings before he picks up. I can tell by his voice that he was asleep when I rang.
“Yello?” Patrick asks, a raspy voice filling my ear.
“’Trick. Can I come over?” I try my best to disguise the fear and the sadness from my voice. I don’t want him to know the real reason behind my visit. I don’t want to scare him.
“Now? Can it wait? It’s five freaking four in the morning,” Patrick whimpers, and I can just barely make out the hint of a yawn.
“It can’t wait. Look, just please? There’s something I want to do. And it wouldn’t be the same without you.” I know that it’s not fair to withhold information like this. But I want to enjoy this without worrying about Patrick babying me the entire time.
“Pete, you owe me big.” I know he’s one of the easiest people to sway, especially when it comes to me. I know how to make him cave in. Just put on a pouty face, give him the puppy dog eyes, and he’s broken. On the phone, all I have to do is whine. Apparently I don’t even need to do that this time.
“Thank you, babe. I’ll meet you in front of your house in ten minutes?” I ask, smiling as I imagine him rubbing his eyes and putting on his glasses. I always loved the thought of waking up to him every morning. I just wish I had gotten the guts to tell him before my life came with an expiration date.
“Ten minutes? But your house is farther away than that,” Patrick replies, and I can pick up the hint of confusion on his voice.
“I’m not at my house. I’ve been driving around,” I lie, not entirely sure if there would be a better way to disguise the reason I was in the area.
“Okay…” I can tell Patrick doesn’t believe me. I don’t expect him to. He could always tell when I was lying. “See you soon.” Now there’s a dead line. I hang up the phone and start up my car to make my way towards his house.
Deep down inside, I’m deathly afraid of what will happen to me. The doctors didn’t give me details of what would happen. They only said I would become much more tired as the day wore on. And that eventually I would simply fall asleep and just never wake up. It doesn’t seem like a bad way to go. But I know I don’t want to go alone. I just want Patrick by my side as I cope with this.
I show up at his house ten minutes after I had hung up with him, just like I said would happen. He’s already outside, dressed and looking rather sleepy. I don’t blame him if he’s angry at me for forcing him awake. But there’s no time for sleep right now.
“So, what is this really important thing you need to do?” Patrick asks, and he yawns, almost gratuitously as if he were intent on making me feel absolutely guilty. If that was his intention, then it was definitely working.
“Just want to spend the day with you,” I answer sweetly, grinning my notorious grin at him.
“At five o’clock in the morning?” he answers with a skeptical look on his face. Okay, so he’s got me there. Quick, I need to think of a response that won’t clue him into my condition.
“Why not? I’ve got insomnia so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t start the day early. Get in the car, Stump, or I’ll kidnap you.”
Patrick lets out a small groaning noise and slides into the passenger’s seat. “You really, really owe me one. Where are we going?”
“Disneyland’s not open for another few hours, so I figured we could go to this diner near it for breakfast. By the time we eat and get there, the doors should be open.” I might have planned this out from the time the doctor told me what my condition was. I know that I need to go to Disneyland at least once before I die.
Patrick raises an eyebrow and turns his head, very calculated, and I’m almost convinced he’s going to slap me or pinch me. But instead he laughs and shakes his head.
“Wentz, you fucking Pan, I’m gonna kill you one of these days.” Well, at least he doesn’t suspect anything, right? I mean, it’s better that he thinks I just want to be young again than accomplish everything I always wanted to accomplish before I die.
“Yeah, I know,” I reply, even though he has no idea how wrong he is. The only one who is going to kill me is myself.
I pull the car in drive while Patrick plays with the radio. Within moments, I’m pulling onto the road and we’re off on our journey. I could spend time recounting every little thing. Like the way Patrick listened intently as I ranted about every little fucking thing, or how amazing the waffles with strawberries and bananas tasted now that I knew that was the last time I was going to eat waffles. But that’s not important.
What’s important is that we are now pulling into the parking lot of Disneyland and my eyes light up. It’s about eight o’clock now, and my clock is slowly running out. Only twenty-one hours before I die. And I know that this in and of itself will consume a good many hours. But that’s all I need. My plan is simple. Two hours or so spent at Disneyland, lunch at the In N Out burger, and then the rest of the afternoon leading up to the big finish. Cooking a romantic dinner for two so I could finally tell Patrick what has been on my mind for the past twenty-seven years of my life.
So we embark on a most exciting adventure, walking through the gates of the amusement park. Patrick makes some witty pun and I laugh, and he pays for both our tickets despite my insistence that I at least pay for my own. Before long, we’re standing on line for roller coaster after roller coaster. Each one blurs into the next one, because it’s not the roller coasters themselves that I’m focusing on. It’s the feeling of exhilaration that I get as the wind whips through our hair, almost taking Patrick’s hat with him (which he finally resolved to hiding so he doesn’t lose it – what’s a few minutes of going hatless?). It’s the feeling of squeezing Patrick’s hand as we’re tossed from side to side and upside down. That feeling in the pit of my stomach as I’m weightless that I craved to feel time and time again but never could. And spending the day in Disneyland – one of the so-called happiest places on earth – with my best guy by my side is definitely how I want to go out.
The time is now eleven twenty-eight. I have eighteen more hours to live and it doesn’t pain me at all to know that I used three of them walking around the grounds of an amusement park. I have eighteen more hours to waste away with my best friend. My list of things to do before I die isn’t really that long, and so long as I can check off the most important one all the rest are really not all that important. They’re just technicalities.
So we leave the park after the last ride, and I grab Patrick’s hand as we practically race for the car. I swear, I’ve never seen him so happy, and to have his smile be the last thing I see? I think I would die happy.
“Where to next?” Patrick asks me, and I see a twinkle in his eye. I wish I could steal that twinkle and fasten it up to rest with all the stars in the sky. It would be a subtle reminder as I’m traipsing across Heaven that he’s not too far behind me. That no matter where I am in the universe, I can remember the shine of his eyes as he looks at me and asks what my next plan for an adventure is.
“I was thinking a little lunch. Is there an In N Out place around here?” I know that Patrick doesn’t particularly like In N Out, but it’s the one fast food I can stand out here, and I know it would make for a decent last meal.
“Yeah, I think there’s one nearby. Want me to ask?” Patrick asks, and I know that smile won’t be fading anytime soon. It makes my heart speed up to think that I was indirectly the one to put that undying smile on his face.
“Nah, we’ll find one. There’s like a bajillion around here,” I reply and start up the car.
Sure enough, we found one of the joints really quickly. We wasted a mere twenty minutes tops getting there, making it seventeen hours to go. The meal isn’t the most exciting, so I won’t bother recounting it. But the company…man, the company is simply amazing. Patrick is in his element. Making jokes, throwing the plastic wrappers of our straws at me. He looks positively happy and I can’t help but wonder if he notices my accidental touches aren’t really that accidental.
We’re leaving the restaurant less than an hour later. Sixteen hours to go. Almost half the time is up and I know that I have to start using my time wisely. I can feel my time bomb ticking and it’s making everything just a little harder to do. I’m almost dragging myself now, and I know I have to save just a little bit of energy, just in case.
“So, since we still have some time until dinner, how about a break from each other? Meet me back at my place in two hours?” I ask, trying to hide the sly smirk that’s trying to break through and ruin everything. I know that if he sees that smirk he’s going to know all of my plans, and it’ll all be ruined.
“Do we have to?” Patrick asks, smiling at me with that goddamn unbreakable smile. I just want to cut it out and paste it to my wall so I’ll always have a reminder of how happy he is.
“Well, I mean you could come over if you want, but I’d have to lock you in my room to keep you out of my way,” I tease, sticking my tongue out at him. “I’m not gonna stop you, but I’m just gonna say, tonight I do want to surprise you with something.”
Patrick looks at me with this skeptical expression, eyebrow raised and he chews on his bottom lip as if he’s studying me closely and trying to get into my head. He nods, and leans over to ruffle my hair. “Okay. I’ll get ready for a surprise while you get the surprise ready. Just so I don’t ruin it.”
I smile at him and start my car again to drive him back to his house. “Dress nicely.” I figure, if this is going to be my last meal, I’m gonna go out with a bang. If you were to ask me what I wanted my last meal to be like, it would be as such: the food itself could be boiled rice for all I care, just so long as there were candles, soft lighting, and a smiling Patrick sitting across from me.
“Oh, gonna treat me like a hot date, are we, panda?” Patrick teases, waggling his eyebrows. He doesn’t have any idea how right he is. “Well, suit yourself. I will but on my best suit, just for you.”
I smile and simply concentrate on driving, humming along to the music on the radio. I cannot wait for this night to happen. Part of me is dreading what is to come of it, but judging by how Patrick is acting right now, nothing bad can happen. Knowing that I die, so long as I know whether there was a shot we could have been together or not is just enough of a resolution for me.
I drop him off and finally return to my place to spend the next couple of hours preparing a rather exquisite meal using only the best recipes found on the World Wide Web. While the food was cooking, I put a tablecloth on the dining table; I put a candelabrum in the middle of the table, and burnt incense to give the room a scent of vanilla. Now the only thing I would need is Patrick.
And Patrick arrives promptly at five, just as I made sure he would. He is wearing his best suit, and I want right then and there to give him a kiss. But that would spoil everything, especially if he recoils and slaps me across the face to leave me crying my last hours away.
“Peter…you look nice.” His eyes sweep across my body and I can’t help but blush. I can’t remember the last time he looked at me like that, but I know that it was not enough. I feel naked under his eyesight, like he can see everything that is I and everything I am.
“Thanks. I try,” I quip and I lead him into the dining room. I can practically hear his breath get stolen away as he regards the sight. I’ve exhausted all my resources to make sure the room looks positively beautiful for him. The table has a sprinkle of pine leaves and cinnamon sticks crumbled across the cloth. If I am to die tonight, I might as well use everything I have. It’s not like it’s going to be useful to me after death.
“Peter. This…this just looks amazing.” I can’t help but grin as he admires everything before him. I eventually guide him to the other seat and I’m really surprised by now that he hasn’t questioned anything that’s happened today. I was sure that I would have to lure him away from the train of thought that I’m dying.
I grin as I sat down in my own seat and we started what would end up being our last meal together. As I’m beginning the first course, I can feel Patrick’s eyes on me. I glance up to notice he’s staring at me.
“What’s the occasion?” he asks, and I have to keep myself from wincing. I knew that question would come up sooner or later. I just wish he didn’t ask until after dinner.
“I have to have an occasion to shower my best friend with attention?” I ask, smirking slightly as I dig into a salad.
“You hardly do this, even on my birthday,” he points out, and I put my fork down and sigh. I really didn’t want this dinner to descend into chaos because of this.
“You won’t understand…” I whisper, taking the napkin to wipe off the side of my mouth. “I just…can we enjoy this dinner and I’ll answer everything after we finish?”
Patrick seems to give in for now, and he resolves to eat his meal. The meal is unnaturally quiet, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s not so awkward as it is peaceful. Any talk we would probably have at this point would end up destroying what we’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Finally, both of us finish eating. Three courses later, mind you, but it happens eventually. Which means there is now ten hours left, and I’m definitely feeling it. Might heartbeat is slowing down and it feels like everything is shutting down to take care of the food I just ate.
“Well…we finished, mind answering my question? Why are you doing this, Pete? Why did you drag me to Disneyland? Why did we go all out today? It’s not my birthday, it’s not your birthday, there’s nothing special happening with the band. What’s going on?”
I have to draw in a deep breath because I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to tell him the reason why I was doing this was because I love him and I’m not sure if I’m going to live past today. I don’t want to see the look - that perfect smile - destroyed because of the news I have to bring. But I know it’s now or never. And I’d rather risk the chance of seeing that smile break than never knowing what could have happened.
“Patrick. This isn’t easy for me to say at all. Today was the best day of my life and I owe it to you.” I draw in another deep breath before I continue. “I asked you along because today was my last hurrah. When I called you this morning, I wasn’t driving around; I came from the hospital. They told me I have about twenty-four hours to live, which by now means I have ten hours left. And I wanted you around with me…” I close my eyes because I’m not sure if I can handle seeing the shift in his face, whether it is to delight or to disgust, when he reacts. “I wanted you around with me because I love you and I want you to be the last thing I see, do, and breathe before I die.”
I can’t hear anything for a good few minutes before I take the chance and open my eyes. The sight I’m greeted with is not exactly what I hoped for, but also not completely a bad one. He had a look of hurt and confusion mixed with relief, anger, and I think deep beneath all the layers there was a hint of love. I may be imaging it, but I am definitely hoping that was love.
“Pete…please tell me you’re joking. If this were April, I would say this is April Fools, but it’s not…who put you up to this?” I wish I could just push the entire table aside and kiss him right now, but I’m not sure how he would react if I did.
“I wish I were joking. But no matter even if I were joking, I still do love you,” I insist, staring deep into his eyes to show that I’m not lying, that this is exactly what I mean.
“You can’t…you can’t be serious. You just…you can’t! You can’t be dying…” Patrick states stubbornly, and he’s pushing his chair back and standing up.
“Unless the doctors were lying…I’m gonna die in just ten hours,” I whisper, looking away because I don’t want Patrick to see me at my weakest. And I still don’t seem to have any sort of reaction to my admission. “Patrick, just…I love you. I need to know if you love me.”
Patrick stays in the spot where he’s standing, and there’s silence between us. I have no idea what’s going on through Patrick’s head, but I hope the conclusion ends up being good. I know the one thing I could not possibly handle right now is dying alone.
“I wish you told me sooner,” Patrick whispers, and I have to strain to hear him. “I just can’t believe you’re telling me now…and tomorrow I’m gonna lose you.”
“Don’t think about tomorrow,” I urge him. “We still have a little over nine hours to do whatever we want. I don’t even care if we just stay close to each other all night. I just know that you are the last person I want to be around.”
Patrick’s chewing on his lip one second, and before long, he’s embracing me, and it’s lips, tongues, hips, and thighs. Hands wandering to new places, sounds neither of us heard the other utter before. It’s backs against walls and hands under shirts and curses, delightful moans. It’s everything I’ve wanted and not a moment too late.
Before long, he’s got me on the bed, and he’s tearing off my clothes. I’ve lost track of time, because when you’re on your knees, or your back, or your stomach, does it really matter how much time you have left? You make time for love.
I feel something strange, and I realize there’s a finger inside of me. I’ve been so distracted I didn’t even realize he was preparing me already. Then there are two fingers. I watch as he puts on the condom and I lick my lips. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life. I only wish this wouldn’t have to be the last time I experience this.
Once he’s ready, he pushes inside of me, and I feel strange. Like I’m whole, like he was the piece that was missing my entire life and he was now filling me up. It may be painful, but that doesn’t last that long. It’s all worth it when I feel that blinding pleasure, and I curl my toes, my fingers, and I’m sure if Patrick wasn’t holding me down, I would levitate with all the magic I was feeling.
I thought I was going to die sooner than the doctors said as my entire body spasms with pleasure and I realize that between Patrick’s hand and his cock inside me, I’m coming, I’m coming, and I’m spent.
The last thing I want to do right now is fall asleep, but my body is much too exhausted between the sex and the dwindling. Patrick’s arms wrap around me tightly and he presses his lips to mine.
“Will I see you when I wake?” he asks, and as usual I don’t know the answer. I don’t know if I’m even going to wake up. I do know that it would take nine hours to die now, and that with my insomnia there would be a small chance of waking. But I also know that sex wears me out and in my new physical state? Well, there are no guarantees.
“I don’t know,” I admit, as he stay close to him, wrapping my arms back around him. “Just hold me. I want you to hold me until I die.”
And with that, I feel myself pulled into a deep and dark slumber. Everything is dark and I’m slipping, slipping away into an abyss. It feels like mere minutes before I wake up and I’m no longer myself. I’m floating above my body and I know Patrick can’t see me.
Oh god, he’s crying, tears streaming down his face and he’s shaking me violently.
“Wake up!” he screamed. “For God’s sake, don’t leave me, please wake up! Pete, wake up!”
God, how I wish I could open my eyes. I just want to say one last goodbye. For Christ’s sake, I never even got to say goodbye!
I know I can’t wait around forever. There’s something pulling me, willing me to leave him. He’ll cope, it says, he’ll be okay. But how can I be so sure? The way he’s crying over me, the way he’s grieving. He’s not going to be okay.
But I don’t have a choice. I’m dead, I can’t be brought back to life. I should just relish the fact that I got to do everything I wanted to do. Even if it meant knowing that I would never be able to do it again.
And before I know it, the sky’s opening up. Patrick has no idea what’s going on, it’s only something I can see. I feel myself getting pulled towards it, but I keep my eyes focused on Patrick the whole time. Be safe, my little one. Know that I will always be watching over you. Maybe I’ll be like Orion and they’ll cut me out amongst the stars so you’ll always know I’m there. Or perhaps I’ll be made a Watcher. But no matter what happens, Patrick, know that you will never be alone.