Title: Just Narf It.
Pairing: Pete/Patrick
Rating: Blah
Summary: Just read it people
Notes: It's a parody. It's humorous. Read it, laught at it, love it... Maybe...
“What happens to this singer is NONE of your concern! He’ll be dead
when we reach New Jersey!” Gerard snapped at both of his companions as
he pointed to the gagged man lying on the floor of the van.
“Why do we want to kill him?” Frank asked.
“He’s obviously better than us. What do you think?”
Pattycake’s hands were bound behind his back. Lying there, he was stuck
listening to their conversation. The thought of knowing he was going to
die didn’t exactly thrill him. Ray looked out through the back window,
looking uncomfortable watching something behind them.
“Stop doing that. We can all relax, we’re almost there.” Gerard leans back against his chair, about to light a smoke.
“Are you sure no one’s following us?”
“It’d be completely impossible for someone to know we’ve kidnapped him.
No one in New Jersey knows what we've done. And no one in Illinois
could have gotten here so fast.” Gerard paused, holding off on lighting
his cigarette, “Out of curiosity… why do you ask?”
“Because I just looked behind us and there’s headlights to another van.”
Gerard turns to look around and he can’t exactly see so he unbuckled
his seat belt and moved cautiously to the back, careful not to step on
their captive. Once he saw the headlights he nodded and has an idea of
why there might be headlights, “Perhaps it’s just another punk band
opting for an off highway drive late a night… to make it to their next
show in the morning without heavy traffic…”
The side door to the van slammed open, both men in the back whirl to
find their captive gone, the microphone chord remained on the floor of
the van, along with the dirty sock that was his gag.
“GOD DAMMIT HE BROKE THE CHILDPROOF LOCK!” Gerard bellowed in anger, “PULL OVER! PULL OVER!”
When they did, the three piled out of the van, each one holding
something different. After a short chase and a struggle, they managed
to once again capture Pattycake and bring him back to the van.
Several days passed and they finally reach the outskirts of Camden, New
Jersey. They pulled over into the parking lot of a Mall. Gerard picked
up the gun and held it to Pattycake’s temple as they untied him. Soon
they were on the move.
A man with a Clandestine hoodie stepped out of the van that had been
following them since they had left Illinois. He watched them enter
Target before pulling out a black phone before looking at it and
stuffing it back into the pocket of the hoodie.
***
“Yo.” Ray looked over a guitar as the hoodie man strolls into the music instrument shop.
“Have you seen three men and a hostage?”
“What, that guy with the semi bald spot?” He tested out the strings of the guitar, “Yeah, they’re going to get him a hat.”
He set down the guitar and picks up another one and tests it out. The
man in Clandestine picked up the nearest bass guitar and strummed it.
He turned it a little bit to look at something and accidentally hit the
guy with it.
“Ow!”
“Sorry.”
“Watch where you’re moving that thing.”
“Uh huh.”
After many accidental smackage of guitars and guitarists, the man in
Clandestine dropped the pieces of the Sunburst guitar, except for one.
He looked down at the man on the floor.
“How…how could you have known I was in on it?”
“Because you knew they were getting him a hat.”
“Oh. You better finish me off here so you can save him.”
“I was just going to kidnap him for myself. But if you want me to knock you out…”
He hit Ray in the head before dropping the rest of the guitar to the
floor. He looked at the man by the register, “You didn’t see anything.”
As quickly as he appeared, he disappeared in search for the kidnapped
man.
***
The man in Clandestine passed a CD shop to which a disc came flying
past and hit the wall near his head. He turned around and saw it was an
N STINK… (I mean N Sync cd) that was thrown at him. The man standing by
the door holding a Celine Dion cd is none other than… Frank Iero.
“Watch it or you’ll take a person’s head off like that.”
“So what do we do now?”
“We fight, like Bob intended. No tricks, just skills alone.”
“So if I put this cell phone down, you’ll put down the cd?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
He pulls out the black phone and sets it down atop one of the speakers.
He watches Frank toss the cd behind him and hit some person inside in
the throat. They circle around one another, as if they’re going to
wrestle. They completely ignore the gathering crowd.
“Why are you wearing girls pants? Were you castrated or something”
“Oh no. It’s just that they’re terribly comfortable. Everyone should be wearing them in the future.”
Frank nods and they begin their screaming contest of lyrics. However,
at a certain point a fly goes down Frank’s throat and he can’t stop
coughing. He falls to his knees trying to cough the little thing back
up. The man in Clandestine kneels beside him.
“I don’t envy the sore throat you will have when you get it out. In the
mean time, just think of the protein you’ll gain if it goes down.”
The man in Clandestine re-pocketed the phone and headed off after the last one who still has the kidnapped man.
***
Gerard sat in Jimmy John’s, drinking from his cup with Pattycake
sitting next to him, gun aimed at hisum… winkie (haha I said winkie)
temple. Patrick is in fact, wearing a hat now, but he is also
blindfolded.
The man in Clandestine approached them both, seeing Gerard slowly apply pressure to the trigger and he stopped in his tracks.
“So, it is down to you. And it is down to me. “
“Let me explain – ”
“– There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.”
“Well then. Perhaps we can make this fight a lyric of wits?”
“What, for this guy?” Gerard asked incredulously as he waved the run
around, “Alright, I accept.” He continued gleefully and sets the gun
down on the table. He offers the man in Clandestine some of his chips
and the man accepts them. Gerard nodded and took another sip of his
drink, awaiting the lyrical line.
“Which came first. The music or the misery? The lyric of wits has begun.”
“That’s so simple. All I have to do decide is what I know of you.
Are you the type of man that writes before misery or the type of man
that writes after misery.” Gerard leaned forward a little bit, “Now a
clever man would say that he writes before misery because only a great
fool writes without feelings. However, I am not a fool, therefore the
music could not have come before the misery. But you also could have
known I’m not a lyrical idiot, so clearly I could not choose misery
came before the music.”
“Have you come to your decision then?” The man in Clandestine fidgeted with the phone in his pocket.
“No way. I know you write as well as play, that comes from passion. And
everyone knows that passion is the key to all things containing the
greatest arts in the world. I can’t exactly say music came before
misery.”
“Are you seriously thinking of an answer or are you just screwing around because you have no idea?”
“You’d like to THINK I have no idea, wouldn’t you!?” Gerard picked up
the gun and pointed it at Pete, “I know you’ve bested Frank because you
are vocally strong. You could have relied on your voice to make me give
away my answer. But you also bested Ray, which means again, you have
studied over music so you must have known that without emotion there
can be no music.”
“Blah blah blah.”
“I’ve made my decision!”
The man in Clandestine just raised an eyebrow at him, “Which is?”
“Neither! It was about making the biggest scene!” Gerard cried out
before he fell off his chair as Patrick turned and whacked him in the
head. The man in Clandestine picked up the gun and shoots him full of
paint. However, he didn’t know that when Gerard fell, he cracked the
back of his head open because of the table.
Quickly the man in Clandestine hurried over and untied Pattycake. As
Pattycake took off his blindfold he looks over at Gerard, “So all this
time it really was both.”
“It was a trick question. Much the same as chicken and the egg. No one
will ever really know the answer.” He grabbed Pattycake by the wrist
and starts running, forcing the other man to run behind him.
***
After much running, the man in Clandestine forces the two of them to stop by a Starbucks.
Pattycake is gasping, “I know who you are. Your clothes reveal
everything.” He glares at the man, “You’re the Dread Bassist Wentz!”
“With total pride.” He curtsied.
“I hope every guitar you own breaks.”
“Why such hostility? I haven’t threatened to kill you yet.”
“You broke my love’s guitar.”
“I break a lot of guitars.”
“That thing was his baby!”
“Well when one guitar is broken beyond repair it should be destroyed. I
can’t afford to not break them, otherwise there will be lots of bands
which horrible sounding guitars. Then it’s nothing but pain, pain, pain
for the ears.”
“Don’t mock his guitar!”
“If it makes you feel better, he consented to it being broken like a man.”
“PETER!?”
The man in Clandestine pulls back the hoodie and nods. He turned to see
a black van coming their way, about 4 blocks away. He grabbed Pattycake
and took to running again.
“Just another block, we’ll be safe inside Warped Tour Grounds!”
“We'll never survive!”
“Nonsense -- you're only saying that because no one ever has.”
***
Blahblahblah.
They encounter two hardships within the grounds.
Blahblahblah.
“But Pete, what about the F.O.B.Fs?”
“Fall Out Boy Fans?” Pete shakes his head, “I don’t think they exist.”
An over-obsessive teenybopper tackled Pete just then. And as he’s
trying to fend of the F.O.B.F, another one headed for Patrick. Patrick
picked up a microphone holder and beats the fan with it. He goes over
to aide Pete and beats the fan off.
“Thank you.”
“Let’s get out of here. I think we lost those bastards.”
They leave the place only to end up being surrounded by Kelly Clarkson
fans. Andrew Hurley approaches them with Joe Trohman by his side.
“If you promise to take him back to Illinois I’ll go with you!” Andrew
and Peter look at him as if he’s lost his mind. “It’s for plot device!”
“Oh… okay.”
***
Six hours later Frank and Ray meet up with one another. They decide
that they’re going to team up with Peter AKA the Dread Bassist Wentz
AKA the man in Clandestine AKA our hero. They arrive after Joe has
tortured Peter with terrible pop music. They manage to find a sugar
pill to bring Peter back from certain death and plot on saving
Pattycake from Andrew’s terrible clutches. They succeed (as if the bad
guys were gonna win?) and break inside the hotel.
Ray battles against Joe and wins. The plot for world domination via
terrible pop music has failed. Ray has also got his revenge because Joe
had stolen his most precious CD… David Hasselhof. (This is while his
friend Frank is busy locating them a car to steal and make a fast
getaway.)
Meanwhile, Pattycake decided on becoming a mute if he cannot be
with Pete. He tilted his head back and took a deep breath as he gets
ready to slit his throat.
“There’s a shortage of perfect singers in the world. It’d be a pity to lose another one.”
“Peter!”
“Be very careful I have a head…” His head hit the headboard, “…ache.”
Pattycake kissed him even more before Peter finally just tapped his
fingers on Pattycake’s back. When they finally come up for air, they
hear Andrew clear his throat.
“To the pain!”
“NO! To my guitar!”
“I don’t believe I’ve heard that one before.”
“That’s because I just made it up.”
“Fair enough.” He gestured Pattycake to move away from Peter. “I should have tortured you more the last time I was there.”
“Wasn’t it really the cook who tortured me with that Brittany Spears CD?”
“In the dungeon, with Joe’s CD player.”
“Thought so.”
Pattycake took down one of the curtains and used it as a whip against
Andrew, “I hate chips.” Ray walked in on it, almost tempted to leave
until they heard the sound of a car honking.
“Where are we going?”
“Out that window!”
Pattycake grabbed Peter and they both jump out and landed on top of Frank.
***
Pete sat up, gasping.
RING!RING!RING!
“Hello?”
“Pete have you seen my dvd of the Princess Bride?”
“AHHHHH!”
Click.
Pattycake – Patrick Stumph
Peter/Dread Bassist Wentz/ Man in Clandestine – Peter Wentz
Count Trohman – Joe Trohman
Prince Hurley– Andrew Hurley
The Lyricist – Gerard Way
The Guitarist – Ray Toro
The Vocalist – Frank Iero
All extra guards – Kelly Clarkson fans
Pairing: Pete/Patrick
Rating: Blah
Summary: Just read it people
Notes: It's a parody. It's humorous. Read it, laught at it, love it... Maybe...
“What happens to this singer is NONE of your concern! He’ll be dead
when we reach New Jersey!” Gerard snapped at both of his companions as
he pointed to the gagged man lying on the floor of the van.
“Why do we want to kill him?” Frank asked.
“He’s obviously better than us. What do you think?”
Pattycake’s hands were bound behind his back. Lying there, he was stuck
listening to their conversation. The thought of knowing he was going to
die didn’t exactly thrill him. Ray looked out through the back window,
looking uncomfortable watching something behind them.
“Stop doing that. We can all relax, we’re almost there.” Gerard leans back against his chair, about to light a smoke.
“Are you sure no one’s following us?”
“It’d be completely impossible for someone to know we’ve kidnapped him.
No one in New Jersey knows what we've done. And no one in Illinois
could have gotten here so fast.” Gerard paused, holding off on lighting
his cigarette, “Out of curiosity… why do you ask?”
“Because I just looked behind us and there’s headlights to another van.”
Gerard turns to look around and he can’t exactly see so he unbuckled
his seat belt and moved cautiously to the back, careful not to step on
their captive. Once he saw the headlights he nodded and has an idea of
why there might be headlights, “Perhaps it’s just another punk band
opting for an off highway drive late a night… to make it to their next
show in the morning without heavy traffic…”
The side door to the van slammed open, both men in the back whirl to
find their captive gone, the microphone chord remained on the floor of
the van, along with the dirty sock that was his gag.
“GOD DAMMIT HE BROKE THE CHILDPROOF LOCK!” Gerard bellowed in anger, “PULL OVER! PULL OVER!”
When they did, the three piled out of the van, each one holding
something different. After a short chase and a struggle, they managed
to once again capture Pattycake and bring him back to the van.
Several days passed and they finally reach the outskirts of Camden, New
Jersey. They pulled over into the parking lot of a Mall. Gerard picked
up the gun and held it to Pattycake’s temple as they untied him. Soon
they were on the move.
A man with a Clandestine hoodie stepped out of the van that had been
following them since they had left Illinois. He watched them enter
Target before pulling out a black phone before looking at it and
stuffing it back into the pocket of the hoodie.
***
“Yo.” Ray looked over a guitar as the hoodie man strolls into the music instrument shop.
“Have you seen three men and a hostage?”
“What, that guy with the semi bald spot?” He tested out the strings of the guitar, “Yeah, they’re going to get him a hat.”
He set down the guitar and picks up another one and tests it out. The
man in Clandestine picked up the nearest bass guitar and strummed it.
He turned it a little bit to look at something and accidentally hit the
guy with it.
“Ow!”
“Sorry.”
“Watch where you’re moving that thing.”
“Uh huh.”
After many accidental smackage of guitars and guitarists, the man in
Clandestine dropped the pieces of the Sunburst guitar, except for one.
He looked down at the man on the floor.
“How…how could you have known I was in on it?”
“Because you knew they were getting him a hat.”
“Oh. You better finish me off here so you can save him.”
“I was just going to kidnap him for myself. But if you want me to knock you out…”
He hit Ray in the head before dropping the rest of the guitar to the
floor. He looked at the man by the register, “You didn’t see anything.”
As quickly as he appeared, he disappeared in search for the kidnapped
man.
***
The man in Clandestine passed a CD shop to which a disc came flying
past and hit the wall near his head. He turned around and saw it was an
N STINK… (I mean N Sync cd) that was thrown at him. The man standing by
the door holding a Celine Dion cd is none other than… Frank Iero.
“Watch it or you’ll take a person’s head off like that.”
“So what do we do now?”
“We fight, like Bob intended. No tricks, just skills alone.”
“So if I put this cell phone down, you’ll put down the cd?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
He pulls out the black phone and sets it down atop one of the speakers.
He watches Frank toss the cd behind him and hit some person inside in
the throat. They circle around one another, as if they’re going to
wrestle. They completely ignore the gathering crowd.
“Why are you wearing girls pants? Were you castrated or something”
“Oh no. It’s just that they’re terribly comfortable. Everyone should be wearing them in the future.”
Frank nods and they begin their screaming contest of lyrics. However,
at a certain point a fly goes down Frank’s throat and he can’t stop
coughing. He falls to his knees trying to cough the little thing back
up. The man in Clandestine kneels beside him.
“I don’t envy the sore throat you will have when you get it out. In the
mean time, just think of the protein you’ll gain if it goes down.”
The man in Clandestine re-pocketed the phone and headed off after the last one who still has the kidnapped man.
***
Gerard sat in Jimmy John’s, drinking from his cup with Pattycake
sitting next to him, gun aimed at his
temple. Patrick is in fact, wearing a hat now, but he is also
blindfolded.
The man in Clandestine approached them both, seeing Gerard slowly apply pressure to the trigger and he stopped in his tracks.
“So, it is down to you. And it is down to me. “
“Let me explain – ”
“– There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.”
“Well then. Perhaps we can make this fight a lyric of wits?”
“What, for this guy?” Gerard asked incredulously as he waved the run
around, “Alright, I accept.” He continued gleefully and sets the gun
down on the table. He offers the man in Clandestine some of his chips
and the man accepts them. Gerard nodded and took another sip of his
drink, awaiting the lyrical line.
“Which came first. The music or the misery? The lyric of wits has begun.”
“That’s so simple. All I have to do decide is what I know of you.
Are you the type of man that writes before misery or the type of man
that writes after misery.” Gerard leaned forward a little bit, “Now a
clever man would say that he writes before misery because only a great
fool writes without feelings. However, I am not a fool, therefore the
music could not have come before the misery. But you also could have
known I’m not a lyrical idiot, so clearly I could not choose misery
came before the music.”
“Have you come to your decision then?” The man in Clandestine fidgeted with the phone in his pocket.
“No way. I know you write as well as play, that comes from passion. And
everyone knows that passion is the key to all things containing the
greatest arts in the world. I can’t exactly say music came before
misery.”
“Are you seriously thinking of an answer or are you just screwing around because you have no idea?”
“You’d like to THINK I have no idea, wouldn’t you!?” Gerard picked up
the gun and pointed it at Pete, “I know you’ve bested Frank because you
are vocally strong. You could have relied on your voice to make me give
away my answer. But you also bested Ray, which means again, you have
studied over music so you must have known that without emotion there
can be no music.”
“Blah blah blah.”
“I’ve made my decision!”
The man in Clandestine just raised an eyebrow at him, “Which is?”
“Neither! It was about making the biggest scene!” Gerard cried out
before he fell off his chair as Patrick turned and whacked him in the
head. The man in Clandestine picked up the gun and shoots him full of
paint. However, he didn’t know that when Gerard fell, he cracked the
back of his head open because of the table.
Quickly the man in Clandestine hurried over and untied Pattycake. As
Pattycake took off his blindfold he looks over at Gerard, “So all this
time it really was both.”
“It was a trick question. Much the same as chicken and the egg. No one
will ever really know the answer.” He grabbed Pattycake by the wrist
and starts running, forcing the other man to run behind him.
***
After much running, the man in Clandestine forces the two of them to stop by a Starbucks.
Pattycake is gasping, “I know who you are. Your clothes reveal
everything.” He glares at the man, “You’re the Dread Bassist Wentz!”
“With total pride.” He curtsied.
“I hope every guitar you own breaks.”
“Why such hostility? I haven’t threatened to kill you yet.”
“You broke my love’s guitar.”
“I break a lot of guitars.”
“That thing was his baby!”
“Well when one guitar is broken beyond repair it should be destroyed. I
can’t afford to not break them, otherwise there will be lots of bands
which horrible sounding guitars. Then it’s nothing but pain, pain, pain
for the ears.”
“Don’t mock his guitar!”
“If it makes you feel better, he consented to it being broken like a man.”
“PETER!?”
The man in Clandestine pulls back the hoodie and nods. He turned to see
a black van coming their way, about 4 blocks away. He grabbed Pattycake
and took to running again.
“Just another block, we’ll be safe inside Warped Tour Grounds!”
“We'll never survive!”
“Nonsense -- you're only saying that because no one ever has.”
***
Blahblahblah.
They encounter two hardships within the grounds.
Blahblahblah.
“But Pete, what about the F.O.B.Fs?”
“Fall Out Boy Fans?” Pete shakes his head, “I don’t think they exist.”
An over-obsessive teenybopper tackled Pete just then. And as he’s
trying to fend of the F.O.B.F, another one headed for Patrick. Patrick
picked up a microphone holder and beats the fan with it. He goes over
to aide Pete and beats the fan off.
“Thank you.”
“Let’s get out of here. I think we lost those bastards.”
They leave the place only to end up being surrounded by Kelly Clarkson
fans. Andrew Hurley approaches them with Joe Trohman by his side.
“If you promise to take him back to Illinois I’ll go with you!” Andrew
and Peter look at him as if he’s lost his mind. “It’s for plot device!”
“Oh… okay.”
***
Six hours later Frank and Ray meet up with one another. They decide
that they’re going to team up with Peter AKA the Dread Bassist Wentz
AKA the man in Clandestine AKA our hero. They arrive after Joe has
tortured Peter with terrible pop music. They manage to find a sugar
pill to bring Peter back from certain death and plot on saving
Pattycake from Andrew’s terrible clutches. They succeed (as if the bad
guys were gonna win?) and break inside the hotel.
Ray battles against Joe and wins. The plot for world domination via
terrible pop music has failed. Ray has also got his revenge because Joe
had stolen his most precious CD… David Hasselhof. (This is while his
friend Frank is busy locating them a car to steal and make a fast
getaway.)
Meanwhile, Pattycake decided on becoming a mute if he cannot be
with Pete. He tilted his head back and took a deep breath as he gets
ready to slit his throat.
“There’s a shortage of perfect singers in the world. It’d be a pity to lose another one.”
“Peter!”
“Be very careful I have a head…” His head hit the headboard, “…ache.”
Pattycake kissed him even more before Peter finally just tapped his
fingers on Pattycake’s back. When they finally come up for air, they
hear Andrew clear his throat.
“To the pain!”
“NO! To my guitar!”
“I don’t believe I’ve heard that one before.”
“That’s because I just made it up.”
“Fair enough.” He gestured Pattycake to move away from Peter. “I should have tortured you more the last time I was there.”
“Wasn’t it really the cook who tortured me with that Brittany Spears CD?”
“In the dungeon, with Joe’s CD player.”
“Thought so.”
Pattycake took down one of the curtains and used it as a whip against
Andrew, “I hate chips.” Ray walked in on it, almost tempted to leave
until they heard the sound of a car honking.
“Where are we going?”
“Out that window!”
Pattycake grabbed Peter and they both jump out and landed on top of Frank.
***
Pete sat up, gasping.
RING!RING!RING!
“Hello?”
“Pete have you seen my dvd of the Princess Bride?”
“AHHHHH!”
Click.
Pattycake – Patrick Stumph
Peter/Dread Bassist Wentz/ Man in Clandestine – Peter Wentz
Count Trohman – Joe Trohman
Prince Hurley– Andrew Hurley
The Lyricist – Gerard Way
The Guitarist – Ray Toro
The Vocalist – Frank Iero
All extra guards – Kelly Clarkson fans