Pastiche Ramblin'

pastiche @ 2008-02-15T13:21:00

2008-02-15T00:24:28Z

Wow. Over a year since I last put anything in here and you would think that things would be different, and they are, but not by much.

I'm going to post in IJ just as much as I do here... I just opened an account. Why? Pointless me taking up space on the net for no good reason. Fanfic. There is no better reason than this.

Have a great day!

Day 18

2006-08-18T01:06:36Z

Yup, 18 days and no cigarettes. Twitchy. Never used that word to describe myself before, but yeah, *twitchy*.

Good things though, feeling happier and coffee kicks in better.

*bounce*

*bounce*

Um, slack friend that I am I went and checked up with everyone elses LJ's and pinched this.

I am Strength

Strength represents patience and compassion. Getting angry is easy when events turn sour, but dealing calmly with frustration takes great strength. So does accepting others and forgiving mistakes. We need strength to mold situations softly. The Chariot controls through mastery and authority. Card 8 is more subtle, even loving. Notice how the lion (itself a symbol of strength) is being guided and tamed by the woman's gentle hands.

For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.

So what use is strength to anyone else if I'm not there?

On a good note, RL is falling into some kind of pattern that doesn't suck. I am grateful and waiting for the other shoe *g*

pastiche @ 2006-08-04T12:34:00

2006-08-04T00:36:28Z

The job is turning out to be the best decision I’ve made in a long time. I’m one of those people who always did well in school without really trying and walked out at the end without a fucking clue what they wanted to do with their lives. I love being a drama teacher. I’m also going to keep trying with my music, because even I was embarrassed for the last lot on NZ Idol last week… dude… I hope no other country sees NZ Idol.

Things have settled down with my flatmates. I don’t expect to have the cops or the bailiffs around again. Big with the not fun. But ‘yay’ with the paying of their rent being up to date.

This is day four with no cigarettes. I have not killed anyone or even been mean. I think I have missed a golden opportunity. *sigh*

My washing machine is broken so I’ve been doing it by hand. It makes me think of my Grandmother and appreciate what she must have gone through with seven kids and a husband that did manual labour. More than that, it just makes me think of her. I miss her.

My boy is ten. He was in a fight yesterday against 5 other boys trying to protect one of his little friends. He made two of them cry and swore a blue streak. I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud. He got to chose where we went for dinner and I practically glowed at him for two hours. LOVE that kid *bg*

pastiche @ 2006-05-26T11:44:00

2006-05-25T23:47:19Z

Yay Me!! Got the job I've been chasing for the last three months. I'm now officially a Drama teacher!!

So that was me last night, two warm beers and too many smokes, lol. Bring on the fun *snigger*

Well, no rest for the wicked, the washing and dishes await.

Life or something like it

2006-04-13T09:02:43Z

An update is long overdue, huh? Well I’ve moved back to Auckland, got stung by a flying flatmate to the tune of over $800, am waiting to hear back on a dream job and have bought a car since my old one just about died on me. The new flatmates are great, they actually pay the rent and do their dishes… even if they do smoke J and leave their washing on the line 4ever.

On a happier note I have made some great scores on TradeMe (New Zealands answer to eBay) My car cost me $1400 when I see the same model and year for $2,500. I got a really expensive iron for $10 and a computer chair with all the buttons for $3.50. This time next week I should have a microwave for about $15 and an oil heater for about $25. I am soooo cheap, I know, but having to find that $800+ having just spent everything to move here and having to get a new car, just about sent me broke.

I’ve been reading J/D, S/X and C/L to cheer myself up. If you’ve found any new ones over 50kb and R+ I’d be most grateful *bg*

pastiche @ 2006-01-10T14:09:00

2006-01-10T01:16:03Z

New song. One of those ones that sound better with music 'cause the lyrics are 'yawn worthy'. It sucks because I actually really like the sound to this one. Oh well, ignore at will :)

Next Time

My heart’s been desiccated, complicated, liberated against my will
My love’s been jaded, obfuscated, deliberated, and it’s all down hill
What good is a heart if it hasn’t been broken at least ten times
What good is a love if it hasn’t been tested on the front lines

So I get hurt, I get broken, the cracks are showing
The moon’s not so bright tonight
Then I get smart, I get woken up, the cracks get sewn up
A little bit tarnished, but I know I’ll get it right
Next time, next time

My heart beats syncopated, elevated, sky paraded, and it won’t keep still
My love’s being invaded, emancipated, freed, elated, like I’ve taken a pill
So I hope against hope that it won’t turn to dust again this time
And I hope against hope that it won’t be the blind leading the blind

CH

Next time don’t want to be scared
Next time don’t want to get sick of a
Next time, I know I’ll get it right
Next time

What good is a heart if it hasn’t been broken at least ten times
What good is a love if it hasn’t been tested on the front lines

CH

pastiche @ 2005-12-31T12:31:00

2005-12-30T23:41:43Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

It's new years eve in NZ right now. My brother is having a huge party, there's a mardigras in town tonight, and my parents are going to a new years party/dinner at the new restaurant my dad is managing.

I will be home looking after my son.

Possibly drinking a nice Merlot.

*sigh*

Hope there's something decent on the telly.

Anyway, may all your Hallmark platitudes come true with lots of naked men and cherry liqueur.

*smooches* & HUGS

pastiche @ 2005-12-16T11:58:00

2005-12-15T22:59:36Z

So. Diary time.

Had a dream last night that included seeing my deceased grandmother. Added up all the elements and apparently I have to stop drifting and get focused or I’m going to screw up the positive event line that has been in my future for a while. So today I’m going to do a follow up phone call with my music contacts, apply for that job I’ve been umming and ahhhing over, aply for next years uni papers and get some exercise done.

Why have I been drifting? I’ve felt like I’ve been in Rotorua too long, I’ve been at home with my parents too long… it’s too long when making nice is becoming an effort. I guess it’s because I’ve been trying to disappear for a while, and we all know how that doesn’t work. Some people have drug addictions, I tend to mentally and emotionally withdraw from everyone and everything. As we all know, there are no forms of effective, permanent escapism. Damn it. Not even death.

Apparently my repetitious need to ‘leave’ stems from this life I had a thousand or so years ago when after leading a whole bunch of people into battle I was the only one to survive. Survivors guilt. I remember telling myself then ‘never again’. I always thought that just meant I’d never agree to live a life where I went to war and was responsible for anyone again. After I died I realised that no matter what decision I had made, the outcome would have been the same, and that everyone who died had known before they had chosen their lives that that was what was going to happen. It was something they needed to experience for some reason or another on their karmic journey. So not my fault. Or so you’d intellectually understand it as being such.

But that hasn’t stoped me apparently from withdrawing from everyone and everything in every life since. In that life I never went home to my family, and in every life since I’ve never fallen in love… because I didn’t feel I deserved it, because I couldn’t be responsible for them, because I wouldn’t hurt that badly again if I loved them and failed to protect them.

My last life I was a guy in America with my own restaurant called Max’s. I can still remember changing the table cloths from a green white small flower type to red and white gingham. I used to drive to Canada in the fall because I liked the colour changes in the leaves of the trees, whole forests of them. I was relatively well off. I committed suicide in the early 70’s when I was about 50 or so, and through that abandoned yet again anyone who cared for me. What a selfish bastard, huh?

This time round my karmic lessons are humility and love. It says something that I’m a singer tying to get famous and I’ve been single for seven years. And the worst of it is, I want to be successful and I’ve been happy alone. How the fuck am I going to get into a relationship with genuine intention, knowing that they’d always deserve more because I couldn’t love them like they need, like anyone deserves?

I do care about people. I love them in a part of the human race, as brother and sister souls on this journey of self knowledge and realignment with Gods intention for us, kind way. But romantic love? Even love that means never leaving because that person means so much to you that you can’t imagine not being there for them in the same way they are for you? Apparently I haven’t felt that kind of love for over a thousand years, for over who knows how many life times.

So am I just scared? Scared to fail? Scared to rediscover that kind of love only to have them leave me because on the karmic scale of things, that’s what I’ve got coming? What I fucking deserve.

Anyone noticed how I use the word apparently so much? It’s because I know it’s true, because I’m pissed off about it. Because I’m constantly disappointed in myself. Anyone who knows me tends to think I’m a nice person, that I only want the best for them, and that’s true as far that I’ve done free counselling for anyone who wanted it, helped anyone who’s needed it and tried to be a good mother and friend. But that’s all they’ve ever had from me. And the simple fact is, that if I could leave them all and be a hermit in some forgotten corner of the world, I would. And I would forget them over time because really, I wasn’t that emotionally invested. And the only reason I don’t is because I know why I’d be doing it, and I’d be even more disappointed in myself than I already am. And the karma buck has to stop sometime. I read somewhere that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result. I’m sick of feeling disappointed in myself, and I know damn well that if I don’t sort this out it’s only going to get worse.

I’m only going to end up owing more and more karma to the people I keep abandoning.

How do you stop a cycle of abandonment when all you really want is to be alone. To not feel obligated to anyone, to not feel responsible for or towards anyone. And the only reasons to break the cycle is so you won’t feel disappointed in yourself and the knowledge that if you don’t, you don’t finish the karmic journey, you don’t get to be with God again. And even though I know that creative entity exists, even though I feel it, it’s not ‘real’ enough to change anything… because even God has expectations and God deserves my responsibility.

There is no nice way to end this. I’m never committing suicide again, I know that doesn’t work, and believe me I understand why it’s wrong. You know these things when you’re on the other side trying to dredge up the guilt that you’re expected to feel, and that you do feel when you realise that you just basically told God to ‘fuck off’ and you spit in his face destroying one of the most amazing gifts he ever created for any entity in the whole history of creation. Survivors guilt. Believe me, you’re supposed to feel bad enough to never do it again, but at the same time there is all the support in the universe to help you over come whatever it was to lead you to that mistake. So even though you’re totally supported in love, you end up feeling like you owe more people, that you have more responsibility to them than when you started and it’s this whole cycle that sucks because death, real death is NEVER on the cards.

But I guess it’s going to be like everything else in life. It actually hurts worse thinking about it and trying to avoid it, than it actually hurts in practice when you finally get over yourself and do it. So hiding from life is like using a bandaid, rip it off and see the real gore underneath. It’s not as bad as you thought and the fresh air will help you heal faster.

It’s just that it’s a fucking big bandaid.

pastiche @ 2005-12-15T12:47:00

2005-12-14T23:53:06Z

You scored as SG-1 (from Stargate). You are versatile and diverse in your thinking. You have an open mind to that which seems highly unlikely and accept it with a bit of humor. Now if only aliens would stop trying to take over your body.

Coming on December 1, 2005:

Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? The Sequel

</td>

SG-1 (from Stargate)

94%

Moya (from Farscape)

75%

Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars)

75%

Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica)

63%

Enterprise D (from Star Trek)

56%

Serenity (from Firefly)

50%

Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix)

44%

Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop)

44%

Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? v1.0
created with QuizFarm.com

*BFG* Can we feel the reality escapage I'm on today??? I didn't even try for this answer except the wormhole one... and maybe this one was a dead giveaway 'You are not afraid to share pop-culture items with aliens', but then I haven't seen many of the other series... Fuck it. This was fun, and in my imagination we are on a cold planet that requires me to share a tent with Jack and Daniel.

pastiche @ 2005-12-15T12:09:00

2005-12-14T23:12:19Z

You scored as Blade. Thats right you are the booty kicking you cross me and I will stomp a mudhole in your butt type. Sexy and a great fighter with mad fighting skills

</td>

Blade

92%

Spike

67%

Dracula

67%

Lestat

58%

Armand

42%

Angel

42%

Deacon Frost

33%

Louis

25%

Marius

25%

Akasha

17%

Whose your Vampire personality? (images)
created with QuizFarm.com

LOL. Blade is an asshole. Blade 2? Blade 3? Wait until video, and he's still an asshole. Mind you if I'm not Spike, then I can stalk him until he gives up his cute little booty *g*

pastiche @ 2005-12-13T14:58:00

2005-12-13T02:15:05Z

Okay. Three posts in one day. Must be because I've started fresh... really, probably won't happen again. See a quiz? Have to see? Wish you hadn't because it annoys you? Yeah.

You scored as Special Ops. Special ops. You're sneaky, tactful, and a loner. You prefer to do your jobs alone, working where you don't come into contact with people. But everyonce in a while you hit it big and are noticed and given fame. Your given the more sensitive problems. You get things done, and do what has to be done.

"VULCAN NECK PINCH!!!"
"owww.......(slump)"

</td>

Special Ops

81%

Officer

81%

Combat Infantry

75%

Medic

63%

Support Gunner

63%

Engineer

50%

Artillery/Armor

38%

Civilian

31%

Which soldier type are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

So everyone knows I'm a John Cusack fan/supporter and when I read this opinion it reinforces to me exactly why. I agree, not as eloquently nor as erudite, but yeah. Mind you I'm in New Zealand so I'm sure my opinion is not welcome. As an outsider I only wish that Americans realized how the decision they make when electing a President affects the rest of the world. The rest of the world are left wishing that the American public made an effort to be more informed about the candidates and their platforms before they vote.

LOL. I'm on the third post and expecting hate mail!

pastiche @ 2005-12-13T13:50:00

2005-12-13T00:58:36Z

I had a thought. Didn't hurt myself too much *g* I think as I write new songs I might post them here as another way to prove copywrite. Here's one I wrote yesterday.

Not Enough

I have a habit and a habit is hard to break
I sat in front of myself last night, unblinking disappointment
Not enough, not enough
A thousand ways to leave I've found
And used them all, not enough, not enough

(Ch)
And what do I say?
That I never loved anyone in anyway?
Not enough, I knew, I know, I knew
That I'd leave and walk away
Just a habit and it's so hard to break

Humility, humiliation is not hard to feel these days
The hardest thing in the world is learning to love enough to stay
I have a habit and it's a habit I want break
I have a habit and it's a habit I want break

(Ch)

That's way I'm always home at Christmas (never guilty, I never miss)
That's why I'm always here when you need me (I wish you didn't need me)
It makes me sad to think anyone ever loved me, because in my head
I've already left, I've already left

(Ch) x2

I have a habit and it's a habit I want break
I have a habit and it's a habit I want break

pastiche @ 2005-12-13T13:30:00

2005-12-13T00:33:20Z

Hmmm. Starting fresh. Love to all who grace this page. Even better, love to all who give a damn and try to make the world a better place :)