More libertarian or libertine? Depends on the day.

Valentine's Dick

2018-02-15T02:39:42Z

Once, a hypothetical was posed to me:

In one room was a bunch of women.

There's a door there, somewhere

A harem, of sorts.

The other room:

Not to scale.

One woman. Who loves only me. Which would I chose?

The second room, I answered to utter incredulity.

Let me explain. I first had to imagine being that powerful of a magnet for women. Fame, money, etc. Dint of personality. Bod.

Driving the pecker bus through Gashville.

Then the type of woman who would favor being among a line of others.

I'll quit Meth on my birthday, okay?

Okay, I'm not being fair.

I know people who can balance their sexual dance card and make it work. Those who have side-chicks and side-dicks and keep their primary happy. Some studies report they are even happier than their monogamous cohort. Good for them.

And nobody likes sex more than me. No body. If I don't rub one out every few hours I risk an internal explosion. I love women of any race, height, or hair color. Hell, my hashtag on this post is #14 days of Bonerelia. But that's not the point.

Today is a day to consider love, not just sex. And at its essence is a bond. That call you have to answer, not by obligation, but because you have to fucking know what's wrong at 3am. That if left unanswered, would chew you up like a thresher.

Me on any given day.

A passion for the one that makes you turn away the other choices. Not because they ain't pretty (to misquote Linda Ronstadt), but because she means that much to you. A history. A life. A hand that I can count on and not just to number my lovers upon, but to lift me up when I fall. Because, I too, am the only one she has.

A love that isn't divided. Isn't distracted. Isn't waiting on a better offer. Because I'm nobody's fucking plan B.

Sing it, Jack.

Not a Chance

2015-05-04T16:51:48Z

After a vigorous round of combat aerobics...

She: I think I could take you.
Me: Take me where?
She: You know what I mean. Beat you. In a fight.
Me:

She: No, I'm serious.
Me:
Sure you could.

She: Stop patronizing me.
Me: You can't even open spaghetti sauce jars.

Being a chess player, I like to think eight moves ahead. And this gambit could only end one of two ways. We square off—WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE I WON'T HIT A WOMAN FOR LOVE OR MONEY. Or what actually happened.

Me:

Tied up by my own code.

The Valentine Conundrum

2015-02-14T13:26:14Z

How do you measure love?

By years together?

Souls touched?

Intensity?

Or, because it's a feeling, does every rational measure fail to grasp? Like a floater in one's eye you can never quite focus your mind upon.

Or, on a more cynical take, is love just a name for an endless quest to unwrap the familar and witness the new?

Answer me, truly.

What Not to do While Job Seeking

2015-02-10T00:14:01Z

As a public service, I'm going to drop the Pasquin Rules for Job Seeking on you. But because I'm me, I'll do it in an extremely negative way. As in, please do the opposite of what I'm saying.

Be warned.

Resume
Please send it in an obscure file type. Or better yet, right in the email. Nothing says I-fail-at-technology like that. And why waste valuable time using the spell check that is in EVERY FUCKING program ever. Ignore it. I mean, what does grammar and punctuation have to do with office work anyway? Next you'll be saying my exposed tat of a blue fairy shitting rainbows might leave a bad impression.

Cover letter
Don't include one. Let the boss just guess at why there's a ten year gap in your employment history. Or why as a former rodeo clown you'd make a good accountant. But if you have to, make it full of buzzwords you don't actually understand. And don't tailor each cover letter to each individual job. Egh, that's work. I'm sure when the boss wakes up from reading it, he'll remember how impressed he was.

Contact
No phone number. That's so twentieth century, like when most of your potential bosses would have been born and be accostomed to. But if you have to, leave off a digit. Or area code. Oh, oh, oh, this is a good one: don't have voicemail. That $4 a month can go towards cigarettes and scratch tickets.

But maybe you're right, this is the twenty-first century and everybody does everything by email. Remember to send all replies to tieduplikeacow@bondage.edu. We're all adults here. Come on. And don't worry about file names. Nobody will notice that you called your resume 'fake as shit'. Nobody.

Application
Write 'see resume.' The boss doesn't need to know why you left a job or who to contact for a reference. As with a scavenger hunt, he'll enjoy the hide and seek. Keep telling yourself, it's not laziness AT ALL.

Interview
Don't have interview clothes? No prob. Just show up in what you would for clubbing. Add glitter. That'll tell the interviewer you like people. And while we're on this subject, do most of the talking in the interview. That'll teach'em who's boss. And don't answer questions—they're a trap. And if you're wiley enough to avoid that, he'll agree he was outsmarted and HAVE TO give you the job.

Put ten points on the leader board. You've earned it.

###

All of the above has happened to me. Particulars have been changed to protect the clueless.

Why Can't Corporations Vote?

2014-08-26T14:44:02Z

In the United States, if the idea of letting corporations vote in elections gets talked about at all, it’s usually as the absurd logical end point of treating companies like people.

Not so in Australia.

Companies get to vote there. And why not? Is it really so absurd that an entity that is subject to taxation without representation shouldn't get to bitch about it in a voting booth?

Granted, they are talking about making it MANDATORY down under. But if corporations are 'people,' why shouldn't they have the franchise? At one time slaves weren't allowed to vote—women neither. Each was considered property in their day.

I have news for you: Every quarter year, the town where I'm chartered sends me a property tax bill and (once a year) an intrusive form asking how much I make at that location. They intend to use my income as a reason to boost my property taxes. I sent a newsletter back, I ALREADY PAY TAXES ON THAT.

Double dip your mother instead, town jerk.

Along with these bills, they send a newsletter talking about how they are renovating this, putting marble on that, and giving every student an iPad with their own personal robot butler to carry it.

And my corporation can't vote?

Somebody should dump tea in the harbor or some shit.

Pasquin Revealed

2014-08-25T16:46:35Z

Best description of why I haven't been active on social media:

"Because you're so busy being a dark horse loner and cutting the fingers off your gloves and shit."
-Evil Egg.

Nailed it.

Love Goggles

2014-07-09T17:04:19Z

After a long conversation about jealousy.

She: ...and so handsome and charming and own a business. What girl wouldn't be attracted?
Me: ...
She: What?
Me: Are you talking about me?

Honestly, I thought she'd changed the subject.

This Just in...

2014-05-16T15:13:07Z

People are actually posting on LJ again.

Smoking, with extra geekiness added.

2014-03-16T23:10:24Z

I've been thinking about getting into vaping. You know, ecigarettes. They combine my love of gizmos and sensation. Sort of like my endless quest for the right espresso press and grind.

But I won't vape nicotine.

No. I'll just stick the tip in.

Kick a Ginger Day. I dare you.

2014-01-24T14:00:02Z

"To ban the word [ginger] altogether would probably just make it worse and taboo words only become more powerful and more offensive."

Ban it? Be proud of it.

As a member of the ginger race, with many, many gingerettes to my credit, I'll happily give all you dun heads a swirly Bozo shampoo if you dare meet boot to butt.

Don't let this ginger bashing concern you ruby-hairs, stay hued and vibrant, our day of reckoning over the mousy headed is at hand.

Sing it, sister

2013-12-30T21:05:32Z

Self-described 'dissident feminist' Paglia, 66, believes that attempts to deny the biological distinctions between men and women is to blame for the much that is wrong with modern society

She's talking about those gender ideologues who share more in common with early church fathers (Kill the heretic scientists!) than the right wingers they claim to be better than. What I like to call the anti-science Left.

Oh, they talk a good game. There's a gap in the data, they say. The studies have too few people, haven't been replicated enough. It's nurture, dammit! Social roles! Or other things we can't quantify or prove. Yada yada. It's the poke a hole in the logical argument that holocaust deniers use all the time to make their points.

So let me be clear: Just because nobody has found a lamp shade made out of jews, doesn't mean there were no concentration camps.

Or the argument of climate deniers.

Let me be clear: Just because world temperatures haven't increased in a few years doesn't mean we're not all on a highway to hell.

Preponderance of evidence, people. Look it up.

What Camille Paglia is saying hurts the gender-is-irrelevant crowd's cause because she's one of them. A lefty. A lesbian. But a thinker. Someone who goes where the facts take her, rather than starting with a conclusion and working backwards like these 'politics uber alles' types. She's arguing against these views because they are beliefs not facts. And beliefs unsupported by evidence can lead to bad outcomes.

What I'm saying is that these ideologues are like that wife of the Bishop of Worcester who is said to have exclaimed, ‘My dear, descended from the apes! Let us hope it is not true, but if it is, let us pray that it will not become generally known.’

Let's call these magical thinkers what they are: gender denialists. Men and women may be equal, but they are NOT the same.

Sinfest is the Best

2013-09-16T12:02:19Z

I only post this because it's true.

Holes

2013-08-30T12:10:45Z

(Archeological Institute, 3003 AD)

"There must be some mistake. A lot can happen to artifacts in a thousand years."

"No mistake. All our ancestors wanted to do was...put it in a hole."

"A hole?"

"Any hole, if you believe some first hand accounts. All day long if they could get away with it."

"Are you talking about holes we no longer have?"

"Fortunately, yes. Except, of course, our one remaining—"

"You're NOT saying!"

"Yes. Sometimes that one. Some even preferred it."

"I've heard enough. What a relief we've evolved."

"There's more."

"You're not seriously going to present these findings, are you?"

"What choice do I have? Besides, this brings up other questions."

"Such as?"

"Did their holes enjoy this activity?"

"Ew."

"Yet males who used artificial holes were considered...odd."

"Dirty primitives. Have you any theories as to why?"

"A cultural hegemony by females to preserve their hole scarcity."

"Like our psionic pleasure union?"

"Exactly."

"As a colleague, I must advise you to consider your professional reputation."

"By doing what?"

"I'd present this 'hole' matter as referring to something more mundane..."

"Uncontroversial?"

"Boring, even. You know, like sex."

"Brilliant."

"Instead of—what's it called, again?"

"Golf."

"Even the NAME is absurd."

[Inspired by the short story MEAT]

I Broke My Dog

2013-08-08T11:40:04Z

If Only We Had A Fourth Estate

2013-06-18T12:41:28Z

Ever wonder how a foreign, objective newspaper might write about our country? Wonder no further.

A Poem for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

2013-04-24T11:40:32Z

Dzhokhar, Dzhokhar
You ran over your brother with your car
After the killin', you were just chillin'
While the media had you tea partying.

College pals say you were swell,
before you blew them all to Hell,
Carnage on the web must have made you high
While Salon wished you were a Christian, white guy.

You could be free to this day,
Collecting welfare and smoking a jay
But you got the munchies, robbed the store for crunchies
And blew that poor cop away.

So tell me, Tsarnaev:

Does killing pop your boner?
you piece of shit stoner
I hope your shot-through throat whistles a tune.

There's no justification for your asshole self
(as your bloody victims looked, you tweeted 'they're cooked')
Not in Islam, or bedlam,
Your heart upon a shelf,
In prison for life, and you'll never get out
Maybe your poor father should have pulled out.

Dedicated to Amanda Palmer

Fuck off, Terrorists

2013-04-16T15:42:38Z

If the purpose of the Boston bombing is to terrorize, than the only way I (as a citizen) can fight back is to run the marathon next year like it's the most normal thing in the world.

Right?

Free Today

2013-04-08T12:42:03Z

Imagine a high school whose student body is split in two: one dedicated to the good of the group, and the other, the individual. What would happen?

You'll find out at the end of TEN RALLIES.

(Click here for your free ecopy)

My libertarian-themed (and much hated-upon) young adult ebook is free today on Amazon. Like it? Let me know, and I'll send you an autographed dead-tree book—anywhere on the planet.

From the back copy:

"Teacher doesn't like you reading this, bro. Don't blame me if they knock this book right out of your hand.
Got that straight?
Good.
Now, let's begin."

You wake up one morning and find your supposed-to-be easy senior year of high school is going to be demolished by something called CoreAmerica. Camera crews are everywhere. It's taking over your school, and they're calling it an experiment.

And in the middle of it all is this girl, Everett — man—she has it all. Never in a million years did you ever think you might get her. And she's smiling at you now, boy.

Problem is—to keep her—you'll have to give yourself up.

Hell of a senior year.

Seventeen year old Reed wasn't looking to change the world, just graduate high school. But first he has to choose between who he loves and what is right.

Waking Pasquin

2013-03-31T15:59:25Z

Before you do anything hasty, like waking me the fuck up, I've prepared this handy flowchart for you potential bedmates.

Any questions?

Fisking the New Yorker

2013-02-18T13:09:55Z

The Case for a Higher Minimum Wage
Posted by John Cassidy (The New Yorker)

Let's fisk this sophomore effort, shall we?

"Some economists say minimum-wage laws are harmful; others say they aren’t."

Ah, the old 'some do, some don't' dodge. Some say the Holocaust happened, some don't. Who's to know?

Sixty percent of economists believe the minimum wage should be abolished or remain the same. That's the answer to the real question.

"We also know that the U.S. minimum wage is low compared to its counterparts in other advanced countries. In France and Ireland, for example, the minimum remuneration level is more than eleven dollars an hour."

Those advanced countries with the super high unemployment, you mean? This proves my point for me. Is Cassidy new to the New Yorker, or are they letting just anyone post to their blogs?

"If you look across the states, some of which set a minimum wage above the federal minimum, you can’t see any sign of higher rates leading to higher unemployment."

No sign at all, except California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Washington...all having higher than average unemployment and high minimum wages. Then I got bored of researching.

I bet Cassidy never gets bored.

"In Nevada, where the national minimum of $7.25 an hour applies, the jobless rate is 10.2 per cent. In Vermont, where the minimum wage is $8.60 an hour, the unemployment rate is 5.1 per cent."

That's not right—Nevada's minimum wage is $8.25. I can see how Cassidy could over look that detail; it was only raised two years ago. Must be no Internet at the New Yorker, huh? But for those of us with a little Google-fu: The only workers in Nevada who are allowed to be paid $7.25 are the ones who get subsidized health plans. Left pocket, right pocket. Either way, their total compensation for minimum wage workers is high, and that's why there is high unemployment.

The tiny, boutique state of Maple Syrup is a direct analogue of Narnia only.

"Even in academic studies that do show higher minimum wages having a negative impact on employment, the effect is generally a small one, and it is usually confined to teen-agers and unskilled workers."

After all, who gives a shit about poor black kids? At over 22% unemployment, what's a few more gangbangers?

"teen-agers" And what's up with the fetish for hyphens (-)? Is there a quo-ta he has to ful-fill?

"There is no truth in the suggestion that most of the beneficiaries would be high-school kids working at McDonalds on weekends for beer money."

Is that not the prettiest straw man you ever did see? LOL. Beer money. When we all know it is drug money.

There's also no truth that most of the beneficiaries would be bloggers for the New Yorker.

"Raising the minimum wage pushes the burden onto corporations and consumers, and it could also have some broader ramifications."

Like higher unemployment. Duh.

"According to the E.P.I.’s tabulations, 56.1 per cent of those [given a raise] would be non-Hispanic white workers..."

John Cassidy thinks America needs more white privilege.

"When workers are paid more, they tend to work harder, and quit less readily."

When water is wet, it's damp, and that leads to moisture. What the fuckity fuck does this matter?

Mandating a higher minimum wage is a penalty on employers at the point of a gun. That is undeniable. If Mr. Cassidy thinks this is still a good idea, how about I sell his home and give the proceeds to random strangers? After all, they will then be paid more, work harder, and squat less readily.

Buck up, John. Pitching a tent isn't so bad. After all, some people say bathing in the river is hazardous, some don't.

Valentine's Day

2013-02-14T16:39:30Z

I share Jack's sentiment.

Give me love that wrings and shreds me; leaves me vacant and starring, at what the Hell went wrong. If I can count on love, and keep it with my bank receipts, it isn't love. It's habit.

Love is a growing thing that constantly needs to be feed and fought with; tangled and wrapped around. Messy as afterbirth.

You can lose love in a bar, and find it in a temple, but if love doesn't hurt, you aren't in it.

Posted, just to let you know that my feelings haven't changed.

Where's my Obamaphone?

2013-02-11T13:29:19Z

It started small. NPR started to make sense.

"Health care is a right," Terry Gross said on All Things Considered. And doesn't cost anyone anything. Like fairy dust.
(okay...)

"Guns are evil," I heard on the Diane Rehm Show. Like Satan's dangly bits.
(Really, now...)

Up next: Transgendered great-grand children of homosexual slaves deserve government subsidies, said by every NPR presenter ever.
(ePIPHany)

Why didn't I see how wrong I was being a libertarian? Must have been my male, privileged, oppressive attitude.

Come on, when Bush lied and people died, he was white and wrong; when Obama droned and people boned—he was black and right.

Don't you understand? I'm transformed: I'm a liberal now.

This is what I believe—

I don't care if men and women have different brain structures, internal organs, and biochemistry, they're exactly the same. They're only socialized differently. That's why the government should control the media so we can finally all be womyn.

Everyone should be in a union. Stupid business owners, with their stupid money, have no right to get workers at the best price. That's why I support legislation to force everyone to buy the most expensive brand of EVERYTHING at their local supermarket. Organic, if available. Better yet, pay for it but leave it on the shelf. It'll be your way of striking.

If a Republican senator makes 10% of his reelection money from the oil industry, he's in their pocket. But if NPR gets 15% of their money from government, they're objective.

Homosexual bigotry is always wrong, unless it's done by Islamic cultures. Check your progressive scorecard, Obamaniks. Cultural relativism has more Che points than gender issues.

Being a liberal is fun.

You can call me a trimmer all you want. But I get it. My advice to you is buy as much as you can from Lumber Liquidators, join Angie's List, and for the love of illegal immigration don't let Novo Nordisk find you. Individual responsibility is over. Passé. The Constitution is just a piece of paper written by dead slave beaters.

Today on NPR: The book of Mao is now an ebook! How the decline of print books helps the environment but disproportionately affects the poor. With your guest host, Pasquin.

I've already planning my surgery. How about you?

Cherry 2000, No Thank You

2013-01-27T20:15:47Z

Futurists are theorizing that robots will be cultivated to give humans life-extending orgasms, and some suggest that the scenario could be here as early as 2050.

Because real people and hands can't do the job now, apparently.

''[robot] sex is safer sex, free from the constraints, precautions and uncertainties of the real deal.''

Oh my lord, save me from UNCERTAINTY. My widdle heart can't take it.

I think they underestimate the downside of android coitus. Really. I mean, what about electrocution? Huh? What if the auto-lube fails and I get a nasty case of penis-burn? What if those servos in the tongue aren't tuned just right, someone might get their asshole sandpapered.

And how long before this sexbot workforce isn't made illegal? You think the moralizers, who don't think women have enough agency to chose prostitution now, will think better of a carbon composite's volition? Cybernetic trafficking, they'll call it. You heard it here first.

It slays me the lengths people will go to obscure the fact they'd rather fuck their TiVo than a human being, and dress it up as HEALTH.

I have a health tip: Learn to interface with the human. It'll save on your future electric bills, you emotionally-stifled moron-maton.

Can't Fix Crazy

2012-12-17T13:10:21Z

I suppose you've already heard about that guy who last Friday went after twenty-two elementary school kids.

In China.

No?

He did them all with a knife. Hard to believe, considering the Chinese have strict knife control laws.

Now, back to Connecticut.

I'm sure you've already heard the blather from the statist, control freaks. Blah, blah, guns make people violent, blah blah, more guns lead to more violence. As if guns are a zombie bite, guaranteeing to turn you into a flesh destroying lunatic.

Consider what is their core premise: if only the demon weapon, like demon rum, could only be prohibited.

That worked out so well in the twenties. Crystal Meth, today.*

The facts aren't with the gun prohibitionists. Fact: gun homicides are down since the sixties. Fact: number of guns has doubled in the same period. All those statistics flying around FB about how danerous gun ownership is? They lump accidents and suicides together. Or combine home defense and police killings. Because, after all, it's all evil gun work, right?

Or they cite a study of homicides where there was a gun is present in the home. An unfired gun, mind. You see, the gun attracts evil like Satan's titties. So it is a perfectly reasonable conclusion that if a drug-crazed felon with violent priors has an unfired gun in his house when he was murdered, then you and I (law abiding, legal gun owners), with our firearm in the gun safe, are future chalk outlines in the making.

The gun makes us all walking dead.

They have to say that gun ownership is universally evil-making because they can't control the crazies. They know that. So they fixate on the object like the temperance evangelists from the twentieth century obsessed about bathtub gin. With similar impractical results.

Living free means accepting the consequences of being free. One in a million events will happen.

* h/t to daddygod for the example.

Hair Bands

2012-11-09T12:36:38Z

Admit it: you were thinking this.

No, what I'm talking about is hair control. It's now long enough to braid with my soul patch. Constantly in my eyes.

Here's a couple of ideas. What do you think?

View Poll: #1877763