Jesus where to start?
Ok, it's been a very long time since my last update. My bad. Just to sort of sum up is as best as I think I can do... I lived at the skeevy motel for almost a month before getting a job at the company I worked for 6 years ago (which has since moved 30 minutes further north--away from me--meaning a 45+ minute commute each way) and landing a real apartment. I love my apartment.
Dan still really wasn't talking to me ever since the suicide attempt September 8 (and really wasn't talking to me much before that, either) and was being about as far from a supportive life partner as possible. The only thing he was doing was paying for (and meeting at) our weekly marriage counseling sessions, which were with a really lousy therapist and consisted mostly of talking about how horrible I am and how blameless Dan is. Dan claims he's a "totally different person" since my suicide attempt and I believe him... he didn't used to be this aloof, egotistical, and thoughtless.
An example: He failed the computerized part of his part 3 board exams, and thus was pretty much unemployable as a podiatrist in the Atlanta area until he retook the exam and passed. He took the exam in November. We all knew it was a big deal and he was stressed out. Well, when he finally got his scores back (he passed) he never even bothered to tell me. He didn't bother to tell me either of the two times he went out of town (that I know of) for the weekend, either. He is living with his mom right now.
Meanwhile I'm working, taking care of an apartment and the cats, and trying to get by. My mom let me buy some [very cheap] furniture on her credit card, to be paid back when I can afford to do so. Dan was furious. He thought I should have made due with the lawn chairs and card table and just lived like I was camping in my own home. Nevermind that I was suffering from major depression or anything--no, I should not be able to feel at home and comfortable even in my own home. Easy for him to say from his mom's humongous, well-furnished house.
I started taking belly dance classes--they're about $7/session so affordable and great exercise, plus I enjoy it and it distracted me from my other major passtime, which was curling up in a ball on the living room floor and weeping for hours.
I also started going out dancing at a place called The Shelter in Atlanta... the cover was always $5 or $10 and I'd buy a $3 bottle of water and just dance until 3am, which again is both good exercise and a way to distract myself from my misery with something I actually enjoy. I'd have guys come up and try to dance with me... I'd tell them sorry, I don't partner dance, or I'd just say I was married, or I'd make up another excuse. I never talked to any of them or danced with anybody, no matter whether they were cute or not. I just wasn't interested. I wanted to fix my marriage with Dan.
Then at the End of the World party, in December, an attractive (tall, dark, and handsome--literally) man came up to me when I was either dancing slowly enough to speak or was taking a short breather--can't remember--and asked how he hadn't met me before. I don't remember my answer, but I didn't immediately just blow him off. I talked to him for maybe a minute, if that, then we parted ways again and I danced until they stopped playing music.
I was over by my bag where I kept extra shoes, a hand towel (I get sweaty), my keys, etc, when the same guy came over. He said he was not sober enough to drive home yet and asked me if I could give him a ride to get some coffee. Now, Dominic was at home asleep, and so I said "well, maybe but I can't stay out long"...[knowing full well that Dominic would sleep until 2pm or later]. Anyway, so I walked out with this guy, whose name is Jack, and we got in my car.
But we didn't quite get around to going anywhere for a while. Actually, until about 7:30am or so. We just sat in the car talking. Then we actually did drive to Starbucks, get coffee, then return to the club's parking lot, where we sat talking again for quite a long time. All in all we sat talking in my car for 8 1/2 hours. Jack was amazing. Just as crazy as me, also an artist, also had a hard life...actually we were quite alike on all kinds of levels. By the time he got out of my car and into his van to go home, a lot had changed...
Primarily among the changes was that I had decided that staying married to Dan was a bad move. I realized that while we were compatible in certain ways--moreso when we first were together--he didn't understand me in a fundamental and critical way. He also could not be relied on to be there for me in a crisis, as had been proven. I had even begun to doubt whether he even loved me... though I think he used to. My mind and heart had done a complete 180 degree turn, however. I saw a future with Dan as a prison with someone emotionally unavailable and unreliable. Someone who constantly criticized me, tried to change me, put limits on me, etc. Why was I trying so hard to make it work? I told Jack before we parted that at the next counseling session I was going to tell Dan that I wasn't interested in continuing the marriage.
And that's what I did. But that was over a week later. Between that time lay Christmas. Dan didn't even bother to call me on Christmas. Jack, who lived an hour away, came over. With his 7 year old daughter, who he gets on some weekends and holidays.
Jack is still here. At first he was just staying for a while, but now he's officially living here. Dan and I are splitting up (and I don't even feel sad about it). Jack and I are in love. Dominic really likes Jack--and Jack likes Dominic. Dan never really hit it off with Dominic, and it always bothered me. Jack and I are talking about a future together... and he understands me. He gets me. And I get him.
In a lot of ways he saved me. And he says I saved him. I've been so happy since I met him... I never thought I could possibly be happy again, but here I am. I never thought I could fall in love again, but here I am. And we have so much fun together. He likes to dress up outlandishly and go out dancing at goth clubs like I do... we also dance a lot at home, just in the living room. We dance all the time and it's great. He even stopped eating pork and is trying to eat vegetarian as much as possible, and he's trying to quit smoking.
Anyway... you'll hear a lot about Jack in the future. He's of my tribe, so to speak. The tribe of the crazy artists... the tribe of the people who dance like nobody is watching. The tribe of people who embrace being known as the weird one. I love him so very much. His smile ignites my soul.
Dan still really wasn't talking to me ever since the suicide attempt September 8 (and really wasn't talking to me much before that, either) and was being about as far from a supportive life partner as possible. The only thing he was doing was paying for (and meeting at) our weekly marriage counseling sessions, which were with a really lousy therapist and consisted mostly of talking about how horrible I am and how blameless Dan is. Dan claims he's a "totally different person" since my suicide attempt and I believe him... he didn't used to be this aloof, egotistical, and thoughtless.
An example: He failed the computerized part of his part 3 board exams, and thus was pretty much unemployable as a podiatrist in the Atlanta area until he retook the exam and passed. He took the exam in November. We all knew it was a big deal and he was stressed out. Well, when he finally got his scores back (he passed) he never even bothered to tell me. He didn't bother to tell me either of the two times he went out of town (that I know of) for the weekend, either. He is living with his mom right now.
Meanwhile I'm working, taking care of an apartment and the cats, and trying to get by. My mom let me buy some [very cheap] furniture on her credit card, to be paid back when I can afford to do so. Dan was furious. He thought I should have made due with the lawn chairs and card table and just lived like I was camping in my own home. Nevermind that I was suffering from major depression or anything--no, I should not be able to feel at home and comfortable even in my own home. Easy for him to say from his mom's humongous, well-furnished house.
I started taking belly dance classes--they're about $7/session so affordable and great exercise, plus I enjoy it and it distracted me from my other major passtime, which was curling up in a ball on the living room floor and weeping for hours.
I also started going out dancing at a place called The Shelter in Atlanta... the cover was always $5 or $10 and I'd buy a $3 bottle of water and just dance until 3am, which again is both good exercise and a way to distract myself from my misery with something I actually enjoy. I'd have guys come up and try to dance with me... I'd tell them sorry, I don't partner dance, or I'd just say I was married, or I'd make up another excuse. I never talked to any of them or danced with anybody, no matter whether they were cute or not. I just wasn't interested. I wanted to fix my marriage with Dan.
Then at the End of the World party, in December, an attractive (tall, dark, and handsome--literally) man came up to me when I was either dancing slowly enough to speak or was taking a short breather--can't remember--and asked how he hadn't met me before. I don't remember my answer, but I didn't immediately just blow him off. I talked to him for maybe a minute, if that, then we parted ways again and I danced until they stopped playing music.
I was over by my bag where I kept extra shoes, a hand towel (I get sweaty), my keys, etc, when the same guy came over. He said he was not sober enough to drive home yet and asked me if I could give him a ride to get some coffee. Now, Dominic was at home asleep, and so I said "well, maybe but I can't stay out long"...[knowing full well that Dominic would sleep until 2pm or later]. Anyway, so I walked out with this guy, whose name is Jack, and we got in my car.
But we didn't quite get around to going anywhere for a while. Actually, until about 7:30am or so. We just sat in the car talking. Then we actually did drive to Starbucks, get coffee, then return to the club's parking lot, where we sat talking again for quite a long time. All in all we sat talking in my car for 8 1/2 hours. Jack was amazing. Just as crazy as me, also an artist, also had a hard life...actually we were quite alike on all kinds of levels. By the time he got out of my car and into his van to go home, a lot had changed...
Primarily among the changes was that I had decided that staying married to Dan was a bad move. I realized that while we were compatible in certain ways--moreso when we first were together--he didn't understand me in a fundamental and critical way. He also could not be relied on to be there for me in a crisis, as had been proven. I had even begun to doubt whether he even loved me... though I think he used to. My mind and heart had done a complete 180 degree turn, however. I saw a future with Dan as a prison with someone emotionally unavailable and unreliable. Someone who constantly criticized me, tried to change me, put limits on me, etc. Why was I trying so hard to make it work? I told Jack before we parted that at the next counseling session I was going to tell Dan that I wasn't interested in continuing the marriage.
And that's what I did. But that was over a week later. Between that time lay Christmas. Dan didn't even bother to call me on Christmas. Jack, who lived an hour away, came over. With his 7 year old daughter, who he gets on some weekends and holidays.
Jack is still here. At first he was just staying for a while, but now he's officially living here. Dan and I are splitting up (and I don't even feel sad about it). Jack and I are in love. Dominic really likes Jack--and Jack likes Dominic. Dan never really hit it off with Dominic, and it always bothered me. Jack and I are talking about a future together... and he understands me. He gets me. And I get him.
In a lot of ways he saved me. And he says I saved him. I've been so happy since I met him... I never thought I could possibly be happy again, but here I am. I never thought I could fall in love again, but here I am. And we have so much fun together. He likes to dress up outlandishly and go out dancing at goth clubs like I do... we also dance a lot at home, just in the living room. We dance all the time and it's great. He even stopped eating pork and is trying to eat vegetarian as much as possible, and he's trying to quit smoking.
Anyway... you'll hear a lot about Jack in the future. He's of my tribe, so to speak. The tribe of the crazy artists... the tribe of the people who dance like nobody is watching. The tribe of people who embrace being known as the weird one. I love him so very much. His smile ignites my soul.
