=3=

able — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 13:32:48 GMT

I guess... this is the end of this place? I no longer feel safe enough to talk about myself or my feelings anywhere. If anyone's watching it, you can stop if you want. I don't think I'll be using it anymore.

able — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:19:19 GMT

Okay. Let me just say that from that anon meme, I expected insults. Most of them weren't, and I respect that. I'm glad everyone was honest.

However.

How dare you comment about my father when you know absolutely nothing. I'm not trying to fucking be Suzaku, okay? Just drop that. I admire and adore his character. I like his character because I'm able to relate to him. But I know what's reality and what's not. It's fucking insulting when you say I'm "obsessed" with him when you don't know anything. I try not to mention him because I'm scared of people like you who HAVE to jump on that OH THIS CHARACTER'S FATHER DIED AND YOURS DID TOO SO YOU'RE TRYING TO BE HIM car.

Fuck. That.

I never get this angry. And I never have a reason to be. But when you play the father card like you know every god damn detail, I'm going to get pissed.

I'm not trying to be an anime character. I don't live in a world where HAPPINESS GROWS ON TREES LOL and I'm not preaching that.

Forgive me for being human and wanting to talk about a death in the family. If you were expecting a response, here it is. If it makes you angry/upset? Good. Unfriend me. I want nothing to do with you. If you can't respect the way I deal with death, then I have no desire to be friends with you.

I'm not apologizing this time. Screw you. I'm pissed and have every right to be.

no lj-cut :( cuz like. this is important for me.

able — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:48:35 GMT

I wasn't planning on coming back online for the rest of the night, but I've been thinking about this for a while and I think I can let my heart rest for a little afterwards. At least for tonight.

I think the reason why I've been so bitter, cold, and avoidant is because I've been feeling so terribly lonely. I mean. I know I have plenty of wonderful friends and I know they would never want me to feel like that... but..

I dunno I guess I've been thinking of my romantic life and how much it's been sucking all my life. My own friend, whom I've known since childhood, and I were often paired up a lot during grade school and middle school. Even recently, we realised we shared the same feelings and were actually planning a future together. Dating, marriage, children. It was.. I was so happy.

Buuut then my depression decided to show it's dark side and I had to tell him that I wasn't ready to do anything yet. I even had to turn down his invitation to go to the prom with him last year. Fortunately, (well.. not for him anyway) he ended up getting a leg injury during track and he had to get surgery. My depression worsened since I was terribly worried and we couldn't speak to each other because of his need for rest.

Eventually his leg healed and he got better; which was the opposite case for me. I was getting worse and worse. In the end.. we had a talk and.. I told him that I wasn't well enough for a relationship. Even.. even when he told me would've always stayed by my side no matter how I felt, I told him it wasn't fair. Wasn't fair for him. I wasn't sure when I was going to get better at the time so.. I told him to be happy and find someone else less messed up. I didn't want him to continue to waiting for me when I was showing no signs of recovery. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. I couldn't ask him to wait for me.

That was May. We didn't speak for about.. eight months? If I counted correctly. Yeah just about I think. We friended each other on facebook and started talking again. I had my hopes high, so very high. I was hoping we could start new, start fresh.

But he has a girlfriend now. Someone from his school.

Despite that, I'm really happy for him. He tells me how happy she makes him and how much he loves her and they love each other. After hearing that? I couldn't tell him I was interested in seeing him again. I just couldn't. Seeing how happy he was. I couldn't. So instead, I sucked it up and told him how happy I was for him. Joked around, teased about them getting married. He was seriously thinking about it. My heart like... almost tore in two. After all that talk we had about us and our marriage, I was devestated... devastated... 8(((( WHATEVER. He was really serious. And happy. I couldn't tell him how sad I was. It wasn't in me. So I just.. ended the conversation telling him I better be invited. To which case he answered quickly with a hell yes, I'm one of his best friends.

I can live with that. Being his best friend. That's all I end up being to anyone, it seems. All the times I've tried confessing in high school, all ended up with me being the best friend. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bit. I know it's... not rejection? Kinda? I don't think? In any case, I'm used to it by now. I'm used to always being number two to someone. I suppose I shouldn't complain! At least I'm something.

Even so.. I can't help but wonder if I'll always be number two. If I'm never destined to be someone's number one. Hahaha, I know now that I'm not the type to be in relationships. I'm way too emotional, I'm super sensitive, I like being told and knowing I'm needed and loved. I'm a basketcase and emotionally dependent. I suck the life out of people. There's no good to me when it comes to relationships like that. Nothing.

Lately I've been reflecting on a whole bunch of stuff ever since I registered for classes. I'm in college now and never have I onced dated, been kissed, or anything. Sometimes I think I'm just a giant love repellant. .... repellent. reee pell unt.. stfu. I have something about me that just says HEY THIS CHICK SUCKS AT DATING STAY AWAY. Normally I have this thing where I think I'm inferior, ugly, blah blah. And it's funny how many times I've been set up with guys and every single time, I'm rejected. Yet one time I was so, so close in having a future with someone I really cared about. Loved even. Now everything's going down the drain. Hahaha, amusing how life works out.

I know. I shouldn't always think being in a relationship is wonderful. Even bad things can happen while being in one. I should be happy with just me, myself, and I.

Though.. haahaha. I'm not that type of person. I dream of fairytales, and true love, princes, and a wedding in Disney World. I expect too much and have high expectations.

I dunno, haha. Silly me is silly.

Whoa how long is this thing anyway. The scroll bar's getting smaller and smaller.

Anyway. This really helped, typing it all out. I feel a little better actually. I guess I'll end it here.

able — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 03:59:47 GMT

This will not be the cause of any unhappiness. It's just a con! I mean.. I didn't really need to go! Not that I deserved to go. I didn't work for the money I was gonna use to pay for it.

I really.. need to stop expecting so much. Hahaha, somehow I knew something bad was gonna happen. Silly me has to hope, huh? Hahahaha. I should never expect anything good to happen to me. I have the worse luck!

able — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 23:23:36 GMT

Even after convincing myself that everything's okay and that I didn't have to worry, things still go wrong.

I was told that ending it then and there would've been the best but... I still hoped things would turn out for the best. And they seemed that way for a while! But..

I don't think I'm meant to be in love or loved that way. That's okay I guess! I mean do I need it? I can survive fine without it, right?

And I guess that friends cut didn't work. I don't have the heart to cut. I feel uncomfortable being honest there. Even after saying what I did back there, I still feel.. anxious about what someone will say.

Oh well :);

able — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 17:25:31 GMT

http://pyreflying.blogspot.com/

If I were to leave livejournal, I'd be there.

able — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 20:59:02 GMT

I feel anxious for some reason. I don't think I have a reason to but.. it's weird. I feel like such a failure. I can be asked why so many times and I still won't know the answer.

I don't feel like I've accomplished anything yet. I know I'm young and have my whole life to think about it but..

able — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:56:28 GMT

What do I do now?

able — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 23:59:17 GMT

Being ignored's always fun. Just when I was looking foward to having a good evening, stuff I've kept hidden inside just pops out and bites me in the butt.

And it's really nice to know how much stress I put on people. Really. Here I was thinking that I was helping. Guess I'm only around when I'm needed. Back to being useless again. Oh whoopie!

My life's ruined. It's totally ruined. I can't go back to school. And it's all my fault.

able — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 21:30:25 GMT

For. The love. Of goodness. If you want me to disappear, please say so. TO ME. Not to your boyfriend on the phone. Even though, I'm like. Right here. You know. THE OTHER GIRL IN THE ROOM. I'd like you to tell me my problem rather than hearing you rant to your boyfriend how much you despise me.

It's funny, y'know? You didn't even acknowledged that fact that I was even there. Even though you turned around when I came in the room.

Am I that invisible to people? Does it really take much to actually be noticed or liked by someone?

I'm so tired.

able — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 13:16:50 GMT

Screw it. I'm happy now. I think. You have a problem with it? Sorry. I've done what I can trying to please you and you've just sat there and gave nothing back.

So sorry. You tell me what my problem is. I'd really like to hear it.

able — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 22:13:10 GMT

... wow. That hurt. I'd like to think I mattered but that's okay. Guess not. I didn't think I did anyway. I never do. I'm only here to encourage and say nice things until no one wants to hear it. Then I'm useless again.

This is how things have always been. So how could I have ever thought things would've been different? My feelings never mattered and they never will. I need to grow up and accept that.

Maybe this isn't meant to work out after all. No matter what I do. Nothing's good enough.

I'm just here to please. Nothing more.

able — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 15:01:57 GMT

I said what I needed to say. I'm not going to get emotional about it any longer. What happened happened. I made my mistakes and she made hers. I'm not going to let what happened with her happen again. I'm not going to lose anyone again. I'll make sure of that.

able — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:48:38 GMT

What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?

Why can't these feelings go away? These chest pains are coming back again. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. The nightmares will only haunt me again.

I don't think I can feel better until these feelings leave for good. And that doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon.

able — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 21:02:50 GMT

If you're sick of me, say so. You say I try too hard but what's the point? I'm the only one trying. I want to make you happy but I can't see myself doing that if you ignore me half the time and only talk to me when it's convienent to you.

I normally.. I normally wouldn't care because let's face it, my feelings are meaningless. But I'm really tired of trying when I get no feedback. No thank you, no I appreciate you - nothing.

I can't do anything unless I know how you feel. And this isn't going to work if you keep ignoring me.

I really, really want this to work out. But if I'm going to be the only one working here? I don't think it will.

I don't want to assume you care for me like you do if you never say anything. I don't want to assume I'm making you happy if you don't say anything. I don't want to assume your my friend if you don't say anything.

able — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 20:58:22 GMT

If I were a different person.. would people be happier? If I wasn't myself, but someone better.. more mature, less annoying, more pretty, intelligent, funny.. would they be happier? Would my family be happier?

Would she be happier?

I really don't care about my happiness. It's not all that important to me. If I could, I'd trade my happiness for just to see them smile, see her smile in a blink of an eye.

If I could give it up, I would. I really would. I'd sacrifice everything to make others happy.

Does that make me a bad person?