no lj-cut :( cuz like. this is important for me.

I wasn't planning on coming back online for the rest of the night, but I've been thinking about this for a while and I think I can let my heart rest for a little afterwards. At least for tonight.

I think the reason why I've been so bitter, cold, and avoidant is because I've been feeling so terribly lonely. I mean. I know I have plenty of wonderful friends and I know they would never want me to feel like that... but..

I dunno I guess I've been thinking of my romantic life and how much it's been sucking all my life. My own friend, whom I've known since childhood, and I were often paired up a lot during grade school and middle school. Even recently, we realised we shared the same feelings and were actually planning a future together. Dating, marriage, children. It was.. I was so happy.

Buuut then my depression decided to show it's dark side and I had to tell him that I wasn't ready to do anything yet. I even had to turn down his invitation to go to the prom with him last year. Fortunately, (well.. not for him anyway) he ended up getting a leg injury during track and he had to get surgery. My depression worsened since I was terribly worried and we couldn't speak to each other because of his need for rest.

Eventually his leg healed and he got better; which was the opposite case for me. I was getting worse and worse. In the end.. we had a talk and.. I told him that I wasn't well enough for a relationship. Even.. even when he told me would've always stayed by my side no matter how I felt, I told him it wasn't fair. Wasn't fair for him. I wasn't sure when I was going to get better at the time so.. I told him to be happy and find someone else less messed up. I didn't want him to continue to waiting for me when I was showing no signs of recovery. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. I couldn't ask him to wait for me.

That was May. We didn't speak for about.. eight months? If I counted correctly. Yeah just about I think. We friended each other on facebook and started talking again. I had my hopes high, so very high. I was hoping we could start new, start fresh.

But he has a girlfriend now. Someone from his school.

Despite that, I'm really happy for him. He tells me how happy she makes him and how much he loves her and they love each other. After hearing that? I couldn't tell him I was interested in seeing him again. I just couldn't. Seeing how happy he was. I couldn't. So instead, I sucked it up and told him how happy I was for him. Joked around, teased about them getting married. He was seriously thinking about it. My heart like... almost tore in two. After all that talk we had about us and our marriage, I was devestated... devastated... 8(((( WHATEVER. He was really serious. And happy. I couldn't tell him how sad I was. It wasn't in me. So I just.. ended the conversation telling him I better be invited. To which case he answered quickly with a hell yes, I'm one of his best friends.

I can live with that. Being his best friend. That's all I end up being to anyone, it seems. All the times I've tried confessing in high school, all ended up with me being the best friend. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bit. I know it's... not rejection? Kinda? I don't think? In any case, I'm used to it by now. I'm used to always being number two to someone. I suppose I shouldn't complain! At least I'm something.

Even so.. I can't help but wonder if I'll always be number two. If I'm never destined to be someone's number one. Hahaha, I know now that I'm not the type to be in relationships. I'm way too emotional, I'm super sensitive, I like being told and knowing I'm needed and loved. I'm a basketcase and emotionally dependent. I suck the life out of people. There's no good to me when it comes to relationships like that. Nothing.

Lately I've been reflecting on a whole bunch of stuff ever since I registered for classes. I'm in college now and never have I onced dated, been kissed, or anything. Sometimes I think I'm just a giant love repellant. .... repellent. reee pell unt.. stfu. I have something about me that just says HEY THIS CHICK SUCKS AT DATING STAY AWAY. Normally I have this thing where I think I'm inferior, ugly, blah blah. And it's funny how many times I've been set up with guys and every single time, I'm rejected. Yet one time I was so, so close in having a future with someone I really cared about. Loved even. Now everything's going down the drain. Hahaha, amusing how life works out.

I know. I shouldn't always think being in a relationship is wonderful. Even bad things can happen while being in one. I should be happy with just me, myself, and I.

Though.. haahaha. I'm not that type of person. I dream of fairytales, and true love, princes, and a wedding in Disney World. I expect too much and have high expectations.

I dunno, haha. Silly me is silly.

Whoa how long is this thing anyway. The scroll bar's getting smaller and smaller.

Anyway. This really helped, typing it all out. I feel a little better actually. I guess I'll end it here.