People ask, ‘What do you do?’ But I’m going to ask you a different question: ‘Why do you do?’ And you’re going to ask, ‘What?’ and I’ll say, ‘No, why.’ Because problems happen when ‘what you do’ and ‘why you do what you do’ don’t line up.

Ever met someone really fun, the life and soul of the party, a mad man, a drinking machine? And then you find out he works in middle management for a large, grey oil company? Something ain’t right. There’s been a mix-up, there’s been a mistake. Get that guy out of there, he doesn’t belong.

That was me.

Ever do that thing in the street when you realise you’re heading in the wrong direction and you need to turn around, but instead of just doing that, you do a little pantomime for some reason, you look at your watch and you sigh and hope that explains your 180 to no one watching? Imagine that embarrassment, but apply it to your whole life.

There’s a word used a lot in therapy: ‘congruent’. It just means you make sense. It’s when what you do, who you are and why you do what you do all come together seamlessly – you become a united, congruent you.

Why are you doing what you’re doing right now? Where are you headed?

I get that all human behaviour is purposeful. I believe in rational self-interest. I believe people want to have happy lives. But they don’t half go about it in some fucking stupid ways.

We will do harmful things to ourselves with purpose. The best examples are the most extreme and fuckwitted. Some people are shooting heroin into the last viable vein in their crotch, but not for nothing. Yes, they’re doing it to get high, obviously. But beyond that there’s purpose. They’re looking for something, could be comfort or security, or maybe they’re self-medicating trauma.

Ever wondered why trust-fund kids all end up miserable and addicted? It’s their lack of purpose. Well, that and the fact no one likes white kids with dreadlocks. They’ve got comfort and pleasure, but it’ll never fill their inner void. Or get rid of the lingering stench of patchouli oil and their dad’s disappointment.

What I’m saying is, you’re not crazy. Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it for a good reason. But there might be a better way. You might smoke because you want to relax, but there are better ways to relax that involve less cancer, death and bad breath. Or you might work in a job you hate, because you feel you need the approval of others. That was me.

I believe we’ve got two big adventures in life: the first is finding your purpose and the second is pursuing that purpose. The sad fact is most people get to do neither. I’m hoping you get to do both.

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Who’s driving?

Are you living your life or are you living for someone else?

Beauty pageants for children are the most obvious example I can think of of a life lived vicariously. You see a four-year-old child in full make-up and a ball gown, wearing a tiara. She might have an agent, but she’s got no agency. She doesn’t want to be there. Look at her mother with a real-life Barbie doll to dress up. It’s not the little girl’s dream, it’s her mother’s dream. I’m not throwing shade here; I was that little pageant girl, just not in a tiara. I was in a mortarboard and gown and graduating from Cambridge. I do enjoy a humblebrag.

Here’s the truth of it: no one wants you to follow your dream. Best-case scenario, they’ll want you to follow their dream for you. Mostly, though, nobody cares about your dreams, they’re busy getting on with their own shit.

‘Never complain, never explain.’

Jimmy

P.S. Happy New Year

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