The clearest night is the coldest.

octantis — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 23:02:44 GMT

Presidential debate, blah blah. Most everything's been said, but there's something that really stuck in my craw.

Romney took another shot at PBS, and it became considered a witty zing. It *should* have been seen as a huge unforced error. A national treasure for decades that provides priceless return on the minuscule amount of vital federal funding it receives should be gutted for... what, exactly?

Mitt, unless you're a complete dipshit I'm pretty sure even you could find something in your proposed budget that could leave some room for PBS, which you supposedly "like". I wouldn't be surprised if you or one of your buddies could single-handedly cover PBS out of your pocket.

But I guess PBS is the enemy. It's that whole 'public' part, isn't it?

If a thorough gutting is what you do to those you like, I don't want to see what you do to those you hate.

octantis — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 18:51:00 GMT

Intermittent update: New job is going pretty well! Tolerable work, decent pay, reasonable hours, benefits, and it does good for the community. The hours leave me enough time and energy to do other things. Maybe actual art'n'shit. Or something.

In other news, my parents are apparently going to Barbados to visit relatives for the next ten days or so.

.... I have relatives in Barbados?

Public Service Announcement

octantis — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 08:38:18 GMT

Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet has been released for PC on Steam.

New jeorb!

octantis — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 03:27:18 GMT

Finally back in the saddle! Got what seems like a pretty good new job working with the area clinics! I start next week!

Random Sharing - Scale of the Universe

octantis — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 09:14:07 GMT

http://www.gameshot.org/?id=6687

This is a very nicely done flash thinger that represents the scale of a great many things, from quantum foam to the visible universe, relative to each other. Like, you can actually see that the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, rested on its side is longer than the Vatican City. It's set to very soothing music. Click on any of the objects for a few facts about it, its size. Scale back and forth by dragging the scroll bar at the bottom, or using the arrow keys.

More than just finding it interesting to get a better idea of distances, I found it strangely moving to just very slowly scroll along and see each unit shrink or grow out of sight. Some people say that things like this make them feel insignificant. I don't have that feeling though. It's in our nature to want to be cared about, and nobody should get rid of that. However, when you can let go of it for a few minutes, be content for a moment to just exist, and simply contemplate the universe with the aid of something like this, there's a sense of awe. It's beautiful.

octantis — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 09:23:43 GMT

Hay it's artwork! I colored something, finally! It's getting less scary, bit by bit. Practice, practice, practice.
My Christmas present to okojosan.

Get an icon!

octantis — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 21:45:12 GMT

merrycalliope is drawing free icons by request to kickstart her drawing mojo! She's got a way cute style, so pop in and see if requests are still open. She gets the drive to draw, and you get your very own personalized li'l work of art. Win-win! Help a sista out!

Insanely Twisted Public Service Announcement

octantis — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 23:48:18 GMT

Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet is out, apparently on XBLA! Here's the final trailer for it. Reviews have been mostly positive, with the greatest strength being the art, and the weakest part being linearity and simplicity. They say it plays a bit like Metroid/Castlevania meets Choplifter. If you like the work of Michel Gagne, this is a place to see a lot of it.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled silence.

octantis — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 01:16:19 GMT

I didn't save before I turned off the DSi fffffffffffff

Be trollin'

octantis — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 03:54:25 GMT

Hay it's a troll. Warcraft art.

PBS - Also Ranting

octantis — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:34:02 GMT

So, I don't talk a lot about political stuff in my journal, as I don't have much energy for anything, much less fighting bottomless debates. I barely have the energy to post shit about stuff I take a personal interest in, and I'm behind on that.

There is one thing that bugs me enough that I have to say something. It's less like the energy expenditure of stepping up to pick a fight and more the energy expenditure to yelp when I get my foot stomped on.

There's a bill or something going 'round looking to cut the Corporation for Public Broadcasting's budget... from what I can tell, in its entirety.

The CPB's budget is around $422 million. Hell, let's call it an even half a billion. Must sound like a ton of money to the people howling to cut it 'for the future of our children'. Wow, what we could do with half a billion dollars, huh?

At http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_United_States_federal_budget you can find a pretty good shorthand of 2010's budget. If you want more detail, and presented in a very handy way, check out this poster at http://www.wallstats.com/deathandtaxes/ .

Public broadcasting has been, both personally and I think at large, one of the biggest positive impacts on our culture for the past... for I don't even know how long. At least as long as I've been alive. From what I can tell, there is NO media on television or radio that comes even close to offering the focus on education and positive enrichment that public broadcasting does. As I grew up, the only place things like serious science, nature, and history documentaries, educational programs like Sesame Street, and fine arts presentations could be found was on PBS. Now, TV and radio are even MORE banal, and what would ostensibly be the sources of enlightening programming are now dominated by OMG SHARK WEEK, or WHEN HITLER ATTACKS or ALIENS BUILT THE PYRAMIDS AMIGAD.

As an entity, it has also supported itself with vital voluntary support, both in manpower and donated funds. Some have argued that HAY it should just support itself entirely on that, dah-hyuk?

Even discounting the blow this would deal to public broadcasting, are there very many things we budget for that give us THIS MUCH return for THIS LITTLE EXPENDITURE? "Half a billion is little?" you say. Well, let's compare it to what else we budget for. Maybe we can find something in the $650+ billion in our defense budget.

Oh, and before someone says I "don't support our troops"... yes, we need a military, an effective one. I don't think we need to throw down our arms and bare our throats just to hang on to public broadcasting. But this stuff...

There's the already infamous F-35 Striker II bugaboo, three billion and counting. Thankfully Boehner's precious $450 million engine than nobody wants has already been voted down by his own party. Because our jets just have to go so much faster, right? They need to be very advanced and sophisticated to counter the Taliban's high-tech air superiority fighters. Oh, wait...

The Reaper and Predator drone programs: One to one and a half billion dollars, conservatively. They're flying robots that bomb stuff. That's pretty cool, but don't we already have jets that can do this? Jets flown by dudes? Like the aforementioned F-35 Striker II? Are the drones more useful than our jets? Maybe we can trim a little fat off the jets, then. Christ.

The Joint Strike Fighter program, $0.88 billion. This program is to acquire and develop the F-35 to... wait a minute, isn't that a different program?! No, I guess this is the F-35 Lightning, which is due to replace all our obsolete, sub-par fighter jets that would never stand a chance against the Taliban's high-tech air superiority-.. oh, we went over that too. Well, against Al Queso's high-tech air su-.. oh. Well, against the Soviet-.. no, they're gone. Against North Korea's.. well, I guess not. Uh... against... help me out here... CHINA! Right, of course! The most credible threat of our age, our primary trade partner and holder of a lot of our debt. We'll need our high tech air force in case they fly over here to collect with their rusty old Su-series and MiGs, or in the event they finish modernizing in a decade or two.

The RQ-4 Global Hawk: $0.76 billion. Another UAV? What? I guess this one is good in sandstorms? Okay.

Our B-2 Spirit Stealth Bombers: $0.26 billion. Aha! A bargain at only half the entire budget of public broadcasting! Except one bomber costs about a billion dollars these days, so if we decide to think twice about buying another one in the future, we can run the CPB for two years and forget about it for a while.

Classified Air Force programs: $17.9 billion. Yeah, we don't even know what's in here. UFOs? That flying car I was supposed to have by now? Well, it's for the Air Force, so I assume it has to do with bombing or shooting down other fancy airplanes, areas we are clearly deficient in.

Alright, we've picked on the Air Force enough. Let's check out the Navy. I see here we have $0.7 billion for the Joint Strike Fighter program, which... w-.. wait a minute! Didn't we just.. HEY, the RQ-4 drone program for $0.439 billion?! Again?!?!

And what the fuck is RETRACT MAPLE, and why are we spending $0.219 billion on it?! Some kind of anti-pancake defense program, or is it our contingency plan in case we're attacked by Canada's navy?

Littoral Combat Ship: $0.226 billion. A ship designed for fighting in the littoral zone, close to shore.
Clittoral Combat Ship: funding unknown: A ship designed for fighting the little man in the boat.
Literal Combat Ship: funding unknown: A ship that does not deviate from its defined meaning. (See Figurative Combat Ship)

CHALK EAGLE: $0.443 billion - Now they're just making shit up.

Okay, there's tons more to look at (sergeant at arms and doorman of the senate, anyone?), and I would think there must be (I hope there is) some rational explanation for some of this, but I'm starting to get silly, slaphappy and tired of this. I think the point remains: pretty sure that in a budget that can apparently fit all that shit that our politicians are tiptoeing around, we can manage to hang on to the tiny expense that provides some of the most worthwhile stuff that children can consume. Get into some faults it has if you have to, but this is one of the best deals we've spent money on. Maybe we should look into that. How's that for 'thinking of the children' and 'keeping our fiscal house in order'? Gah.

Call your representative or something, I dunno. I will.

octantis — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 01:43:24 GMT

Of possible interest to the animatorly among you, Fuelcell games has demoed "Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet" at PAX East. Co-creator responsible for the style of animation and design is none other than Michel Gagne'. Below is footage of the game, and his influence is all over it... which is to say it's frickin' awesome.

Bonus video: Quattro the robot playing the 1to50 game on an iPhone. The game is simple: A grid of numbers is presented. Press the numbers in order from 1 to 50 as fast as you can. Quattro is designed for precise and quick movements. Watching it destroy this game is both hilarious and disturbing.

You're probably already aware of the other videos that have floored me, so I won't go that way. Suffice it to say, staggering.

Edit: Whup.. doesn't want to let me embed. Well, go this way.

Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet

Quattro is not easy on the touchscreen.

FX

octantis — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 01:36:23 GMT

Random crap! If you're any sort of retro gamer, you will probably find this funny. Sound effects guy re-does sounds for a bunch of old games. (He actually applied to Volition with an 'update' of Super Mario Bros. I believe he got the job. :D )

octantis — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 11:59:52 GMT

Guilty about letting updates and art languish! But there's some good news, at least.

It occurs to me I haven't written anything about my mental state in a while, and I feel like I should write some good news about it for once. While therapy with Dr. Green has been equal parts interesting and unpleasant, I'm not sure about the value of it, yet. (Though he has taught me some invaluable things about emotion.) However, the medication he picked has been a winner.

The stuff is called bupropion, quite common, more popularly known as Welbutrin. The previous ones people had tried me on were SSRIs, or selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors, the most widely known one being Prozac. That just kind of made me flat. Venlaxafine, aka Effexor, was an SNRI, or seratonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibtor. That was the one that took a year off my life. Bupropion is a norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor.

The Welbutrin took a while to take effect, but as it did the change was dramatic. I could get out of bed. I could prod myself into at least sometimes doing something. I could focus longer and enjoy things again. Best of all, this stuff hasn't had any side effects that I've noticed. Certainly nothing like the brain shocks and nightmares Effexor gave me. According to Dr. Green, if an antidepressant is the right fit for a person, it should work at a high efficiency without side effects. It wouldn't get you high or anything either. You would just stop being abnormally depressed.

I still have ups and downs, blue periods and such when I think about loss or regrets. But they're ups and downs, and not just straight down 24/7. That's a pretty huge improvement for me. Over time, I hope my motivation will continue to improve more... I'm not sure I'll ever be one of those irrepressible dynamo type people, but at least I seem to be a person again.

How does this stuff work? You can stop reading here if you don't care. :) It's SCIENCE!

So, your brain makes stuff called neurotransmitters. The way I understand it, these're chemicals that take a signal from a neuron to another cell to tell these cells to do something. Different neurotransmitters are used to communicate between different neurons and cells, and presumably different parts of the brain. When these get out of whack, you may have too little or too much of a given kind of neurotransmitter, making it hard to have some feelings or making some feelings uncontrollable.

Neurotransmitters get recycled and regulated through a process called 'reuptake'... basically, the neuron that spit the stuff out sucks it back up through a protein thingie, takes it up, as it were. In addition to recycling the material, this process allows the brain to control the concentration of neurotransmitters. If too much neurotransmitter is left in the synapse at any given time, it fires the signal too often, and you get too much of whatever behavior that's linked to, or worse, you get damage or problems like seizures. If there isn't enough, then the signal isn't sent often enough, and the effect it's supposed to have is weakened or disappears. The brain is supposed to find a happy medium here somewhere, but sometimes that isn't working right.

Now, these medicines, called 'reuptake inhibitors'... well, they do what it says on the tin. They get into the synapse and stick to the protein thingie that the neuron uses to take up its neurotransmitters again. They stick to it for a while, and prevent it from letting neurotransmitter through. Picture it like the supermarket checkout. You're a neurotransmitter waiting in line to check out, right? The reuptake inhibitor is that old duff or biddie in front of you digging a mountain of half expired coupons out, wondering where they left their checkbook, and chatting up the cashier. They'll get out of there EVENTUALLY... but until they do, you're stuck where you are.

With that choking off the pipes, the neuron can still take some of its neurotransmitter up, but the efficiency is reduced, so you get a net gain of that particular neurotransmitter in the synapse. Result? More seratonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, or whatever. What exactly that does to you depends on how your brain is built, so finding out what levels of what to shoot for is pretty hit and miss.

I was surprised to learn about this because I tended to think of communication in the brain being electrical, and that's only partly the case. It seems kind of strange to me that my brain cells are in part communicating by spurting chemicals on that small and precise a level. Interesting and a little disconcerting to see what's coming together to make up a part of who you are.

octantis — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 04:31:59 GMT

Thanks so much for AVP, Brian. :) Crawled on ceilings and yanked off heads last night!

Dear friend, farewell.

octantis — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 03:07:33 GMT

She had to be put to sleep finally. I'm glad it didn't have to happen yesterday. I'm thankful for the time Marcus and Cleo spent with us. May talk about it later. Will write about Cleo later.

I hope Cleo and Marcus are somehow together again.

Sharing some art, happy birthday Espresso

octantis — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 01:17:39 GMT

Finally! I am too ashamed to admit how long it's been between my wanting to do this picture and actually doing it. Done in Artrage 3. I still haven't figured out how to mask stuff properly so I can shade properly, so the shade and light is a bit limited and flat, but I think it holds up. Also I was supposed to be coloring but it's monochrome so I kinda cheated. >_>

The story behind this is kind of obscure, involving some fighting games he gave me one Christmas, but suffice it to say caffeinewabbit has been a friend and brother to me for years and years. It was long past time I gave him something back. Greg, check your e-mail, there's something else there for you.

Greg kicking my ass at something. I'm not a very good sport! As for why I'm a rabbit, it's a symbol... thing. I think I may have some momentum now... next, gotta color Nadizel's extremely late birthday present, and do Chiaroscuro's long delayed pic. I think it should be fun!

Oh yeah, and China and all that. I need to get the photos back from my dad. XP

Hey, I guess I went to China or something, huh?

octantis — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 03:54:40 GMT

I never actually forgot about writing that up, but.. you know. Stuff. Lately I've been wanting to finish that off, so I'll get started on it. For now, here's a few random pictures. Unfortunately, while I was handling the camcorder, it was my mother handling the camera, and our philosophies on recording trips are different. I tend to prefer taking pictures of where I am. My mom prefers taking pictures of her (and her fellow tourists) where she is. So the still pictures tend to have my idiot face in them, or someone else, when I think y'all would much rather see the location and artifacts and so forth. I'm going to try to get some different images by taking stills out of the video I took, but these will have to do for the time being.

This was taken within the walls of one of many temples we visited. I'll remember which one when I do the write-up. You'll notice the walls are a brilliant yellow. Having red walls was reserved for the imperial palaces, red being an important color representing wealth, fortune, happiness, and so on. Yellow was also an important royal color, for divinity and authority. It was the Emperor's personal chambers that had yellow roofs. The Emperor of the time of this temple had a great respect for Buddhism and the monks, so they were allowed to use yellow for their walls.

This is the leaning tower of Tiger Hill, a pagoda built in Suzhou, along with the famous gardens of Tiger Hill. It's leaning because when they built it, it was positioned so that half of it was on stone (that's good) and half of it was on dirt (that's bad). Over time it started to tilt. It was shored up to be secure, but it's always been a bit crooked since.

Lingering in the Lingering Garden of Suzhou. This is in the penzai garden. Penzai, the practice of keeping, cultivating, and shaping trees into dwarf plants, would eventually be brought to the Japanese, who found the art fascinating. They would come to learn the art, take it very seriously, and eventually refine their own styles to be what we know today as "bonsai", the term derived from the Chinese name for it.

There's a story behind this one, I'll write about it later. Sitting in one of the Forbidden City's many courtyards, trying to get a sketch of a gate before the tour moves on. Someone seems to have taken an interest... a future artist, maybe?

Anyway, a preview using some of the pics that had something else in them that was reasonably interesting. I'll try to get more in soon, and maybe this journal will be only about 70% whining.

octantis — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 22:47:53 GMT

I wouldn't say the pain gets better as the days pass, though I know better than to think it'll lessen in just a few days. It changes in flavor, I guess. It's not the hysterics that we were in when it first happened. Now it's a sickly ache when I think about him or imagine him flopping around and rubbing his back in his ferret bed in times of contentment, or when I saw him in that horrible half hour after the accident.

We've been clinging to memories of him, deathly afraid to forget any minute detail we hold or can imagine. There's a notion that we can't do Marcus the disservice of forgetting anything about him, and intense guilt at any thought of that. But I think it's also us desperately holding onto whatever is left to us to hold onto, because we're not ready to let go.

Karena wants very badly to have a dream about him, or a sign, some symbol of closure. I can understand that desire, and I hope this closure comes, in some form or another. Our subconscious is notoriously fickle, of course, so it seems there's no telling what exactly it will be.

octantis — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 03:09:56 GMT

It was a long day at work. I went in early and had lots of driving around to do, but I'm fairly glad it was that kind of work. It let me pick Marcus' ashes up at the vet.

I went in and mostly held it together as I met the receptionist. I told her my name and that I was here for Marcus. She nodded and went to get his urn, and in her place was left a little kitten on her chair. The closing door startled it a little, and I wiggled my finger at it, and it looked at me with big blue eyes. When the receptionist came back, she saw me fingerwiggling at the kitten, and lifted it onto the desktop, telling it to say 'hello'. I pet the kitten a few times, it was very cute. Then I looked over at what the receptionist had brought me.

It was a dark velvet bag. Inside was the "urn", a simple wooden box of a nice, light hardwood, neatly finished and sealed. The bottom had a label with Marcus' name, our names, the name of the crematorium and that his cremation had been private. On the bag was embroidered in gold, "Until we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge".

I picked it up and held it, looked at it. I wanted to say to the receptionist, "This is what unquestioning devotion became. This is what absolute love and friendship and total trust became. A few ounces of ashes in a box." But my throat seized, my jaw shook. I managed to whisper "thank you" and she got in a word of sympathy and a farewell before I hurried out with Marcus to the van.

I spent ten minutes or so holding the box and weeping into the hand towel that Marcus had died on. Then I got myself together and finished my day's work.

In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't manage to say what I had wanted to say at that moment, because it wasn't true. Marcus hadn't become just some ashes, just as when he was alive he wasn't simply a couple pounds of meat. He was a companion before and after, a presence in person when he was alive and a presence now as an impression on me and Karena and everyone he met, a gentle soul that had altered the courses of our lives, subtly but irreversibly.

When I got home, Karena gave me an envelope the vet's office had mailed. Inside was a clay disc with Marcus' name and his right front pawprint impressed into it, and a little plastic heart jewel. Along with it was a handwritten card from the vet, saying how sorry she was that we lost Marcus, and telling us that if we needed anything to call them. It was a kind gesture.

The clay pawprint rests in his bed under my desk, around which are his 7-up box he liked to slide around in and my coat that he liked to burrow into. The box is with Karena, in the bed under her desk.

Writer's Block: Family Is…

octantis — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 10:06:26 GMT

Ha ha.

octantis — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:25:20 GMT

Do all animals dream? I know ferrets dream. Sometimes we'd hear one of them make squeaking noises, or chirp and hiccup in their sleep. One time I was at my computer, and Marcus was flopped on his back in his bed, snoozing. I looked down at him, and he was licking at the air. I think he was dreaming about vitamins.

octantis — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:16:49 GMT

Now it's longing. I want him back so badly. I want to see him and hold him and let him go through all his funny little habits, but I can't and never will. It's something between ache in my chest and nausea.

I never thought I'd be like this. I knew I'd have to face his death someday, and Cleo's, and that of my parents. I just never knew how suddenness could color it. How feeling this all at once instead of over time could intensify it to this degree. It's like a hammer blow. The more you get used to someone's presence, the more you loved them, the further back the hammer is raised, and when something like this happens it comes down all at once in one sharp strike. We were ready for Nile. We weren't ready for this.

Thoughts on emotions and trauma

octantis — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 04:33:59 GMT

I've been trying to understand what I've been feeling as I've been feeling it. Not detached, mind you, but as honestly as I can, at least. Working with Dr. Greene has made me somewhat more aware of emotions. They form something like a language. Basic emotions are like words, which have their own inflections, and that can also come together to form complex emotions which say other things. And they can't be denied. Not forever, at least. Anyway...

Grief I've come to know and deal with before, and am dealing with now. I think everyone has in some form or another. It's a mingling of anger and sorrow and guilt and shock and so forth, often coming in stages or waves in any order and repeated or not.

I'm having a much harder time dealing with what I guess must be trauma. I keep reliving what happened anytime my mind isn't expressly occupied and sometimes even when it is, re-imagining what happened from different angles, seeing Marcus' face in his carrier as he slipped away, feeling it now as I write about it and anytime I get a reminder of it. Karena, who experienced much more of it, is dealing with it even more, I'm sure.

In the end, grief plus trauma seems to become something you squirm around in the grip of, twisting and flopping around in an effort to find a less painful way to be in it, doing whatever you can think of to make it hurt less. Some people drink, some people rationalize, some people swallow it and try to forget it, some people try to take their mind off it by staying busy. A certain amount of the squirming is necessary, I think... sometimes you can't face something this strong until it's weakened a bit. Eventually, it seems, you have to.

On the motives of writing

octantis — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 01:25:17 GMT

It's kind of funny. Since coming back from China, I've been sitting on all these notes and pictures that I brought back from the trip. I kept thinking, "I really ought to get around to posting these up," and procrastinated for umpteen weeks. About a week ago I even put a draft trip report post together, saved privately so I could fix it up proper, but it still hasn't been finished.

Then this accident happened, and I've been posting non-stop for the past couple days. It's a little odd to think that I wouldn't get around to writing for myself, but now I'm writing entry after entry for an animal who couldn't even read.