this is where the old memories Go

nothingtosing — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:09:14 GMT

havent been here in forever! checking in!

blog updated

nothingtosing — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 19:52:44 GMT

http://photoblogforstef.blogspot.com/

blog update

nothingtosing — Mon, 11 May 2009 03:44:45 GMT

new address: http://www.photoblogforstef.blogspot.com/

nothingtosing — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 02:33:36 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/user/nothingtosing

nothingtosing — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 01:38:37 GMT

...At least Jesus Christ Superstar is on ... lol man Jesus was hott!

nothingtosing — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 18:59:27 GMT

Life seriously sucks sometimes.

nothingtosing — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:28:29 GMT

oh aman guys uim drunk because my toe hurts so much and I'm watching big bang theory lol.

Sad

nothingtosing — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 02:40:32 GMT

It might be the hormones but I'm having a crazy sad night tonight. Ugh. I just. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where I belong. I try so hard to have a clear head. I make all these goals and never count on them not working out. I've been stupid lucky lately- things have been mostly going my way despite being stressed. But things aren't staying that way. Not at all. Everything's changing so fast.

You think I'd be happy to graduate. But after 5 years of back breaking life changing hard work... I still haven't gotten a call that I'm in the Ed Program. 5 years of work. To what... wait another freaking year to apply and maybe get in? Argh. I just want to rip my hair out.

Next week isn't going to be good. There will be exams, neurological appointments that I'm scared about, finding out that I didn't get in the program, and all sorts of crap.

I miss having a life. I miss not being sick. All these freaking people that I cut out of my life because I was sick and couldn't handle them... don't even know how fucking sick I am. I'm tired of all the treatment and having to put a brave face on everyday. I' m tired of being in constant pain, seeing things that aren't there, falling down, and telling my hands to work only to watch while they stay perfectly still..

Sure... I've been working hard. I do the treatments, I go to physio, and I love my argentenian dance class... but what's the point if my muscles are going to stop working anyway?

Ugh I'm just hormonal, depressed, stressed, and feeling nostalgic.

I'm not ready to graduate if I don't get in this program. I have no plan. Everything's going to change. I'll lose my benefits and health coverage when I need it the most. And I don't want to work in a daycare. I know I should be so picky in an economy like this... but I didn't go to school for 5 years so I could work in a daycare! I just didn't.

I should be greatful for the little things that have been going my way... and I'm trying so hard. I just feel so out of control of my life and like help isn't coming fast enough. Why does it take so long to get help? March was a stupid month for me. People always die in March.

Im crying writing this stupid journal that doesn't even make sense

I'm just fucking hormonal or something. I hate feeling so fucking weak,

Oh um Hai, I'm a mermaid!

nothingtosing — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:47:02 GMT

Ok, so it's totally not finished yet XD I need to get a monofin so that the fluke has stability and can be used properly in the water and all my scaleys aren't on it yet and I totally haven't finished the bra... but.. who the f cares? Ima mermaid! lol

Suicide

nothingtosing — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:54:59 GMT

My friend Pi had been trying to get ahold of me. I thought it was because I didn't get to his party last night cuz of work. Turns out it was because a mutual friend died- though he was more friends with Pi than me on account of growing up together. Pi came online and told me it happened but that he'd only talk about it in person. I told him that's not possile for me right now. He went offline. I checked our friend's facebook. I think he killed himself... there were all these frantic messages asking if he was ok and his last message was that he wouldn't be seeing or talking to anyone again for a while.

I'm worried about Pi. Matt was his best friend for most of his life. I'm not sure what to do. :\

on the pope and aids

nothingtosing — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:54:04 GMT

I gotta say this because so many people are asking my opinion... I gotta say I semi agree with the Pope and believe the media is taking what he said completey out of context. Catholic doctrine aside...
Condoms wont cure aids. And to think they are efficient at protecting people from aids is based on falty studies- something I even learned in university. Condom companies only post the best of their studies which in some cases means only posting the results in one study. Saying that condoms are 99% effective does not mean they were 99% effective in every study. It only had to be one, one study, or one test, for the research to be published as statistic. I think the pope and many other people are more concerned with long term solutions and cures for aids as opposed to false senses of security from a baind-aid solution. What happens when that guy who had aids wears a condom and his partner still gets it? Not to mention the fact that condoms are being handed out but people aren't being educated on how to properly use them.
Im not trying to argue with people here... I want aids gone. I just think the Pope makes a valid point. Look at a condom under a microscope. The pores on a condem are large enough to allow strains of HIV through (as well as certain sized sperm!)

So here's what I'm trying to say. I agree with the Pope when he says the issue of handing out condems wont cure aids and that the real issue lies with sexual eduation. That's literally all the man said with a tack on about the catholic teachings on abstinence that no one's going to pay attention to anyway. I don't see why everyone's not agreeing with him! If it was a spokesperson on aids who said "condems wont solve this problem" nobody would be up in arms. I honestly understand from a realistic perspective how condems are being used as a bandaid for a huge issue. People think they're safe if they use condems and they wont get aids but it just isn't fool proof. Though I agree and understand i can reduce the risk I think the whole point the Pope is making is that it will not solve the problem.

I wish people wouldn't get so up and arms. They think they're so open minded when really their brains have fallen out. People make no attempt anymore to see things from both perspectives- what it means to be truley open minded.

To me, this is a crashing economy trying to sell newspapers. The Pope has been a hot topic latley - you're not going to see feel good stories about him because they wont sell.

And just because someone thinks condems wont solve the problem doesn't mean they think all people with aids should just die, or that they deserve they're suffering- or whatever other crap people are coming up with to assume about people who don't agree with them. It doens't mean they're ignorant or not looking at the big picture. it just blows my mind how easily people are picking up the sensationalism of the media as opposed to looking at the actual facts: condems will not solve the aids crisis. Let's start focusing on a cure instead of a bandaid. Lets start better sexual eduation. Hell... lets stop dominating all the worlds wealth so Africa wouldn't even have this problem to begin with!

Holy crap

nothingtosing — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 17:08:34 GMT

Holy crap, they sure cram as much as possible in the last 2 weeks of a degree. My head's gonna explode! JUST KEEP SWIMMING JUST KEEP SWIMMING YOU FORGOT YOUR FLASH DRIVE YOU FORGOT YOUR FLASH DRIVE AHHH

doc app

nothingtosing — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:53:34 GMT

i just had my long ass all day doc app with 4 specialists... didnt find out a whole lot because it was more about assesment. Did find out... Im lactose intolerent :| boy am I pissed. lol. Really pissed. I love cheese.

finally looking up

nothingtosing — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:53:33 GMT

well.. I think I paid my dues! Life is looking up. Despite my awful GPA I got an interview for the eduction program. I finally start all my treatment next week, things with my mom are evened out, Im getting better at dancing, and well... I love my boyfriend. HEHE

Education here I come!

nothingtosing — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:30:10 GMT

I made it past the first round! I'M GETTING AN INTERVIEW FOR THE EDUCATION PROGRAM YAAAY

Updated

nothingtosing — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:22:10 GMT

http://stefsphotoblog.blogspot.com/

nothingtosing — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 02:17:54 GMT

Know what pisses me off? x-boyfriends who stalk you. With Dave it was oiut-right stalking. But Rob internet stalks me and doesnt realize the sites he's following log everytime he visits. Especially DA where all my lovely nude photos are.
It creeps me out. He ignores me in person, wont reply to me if I e-mail him, but yet he feels he has some right to follow my art and photos. Kinda pisses me off.... kinda creeps me out, Flloyd tells me to just feel flattered... I just feel creeped.

nothingtosing — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 04:52:22 GMT

I gotta vent a little guys, be a little pitiful so I can get it out of my system and move the heck on. So please forgive me if I sound a little self-absorbed with this.

It's really frustrating to see rivals get so far ahead and not be able to keep up with them. I enjoy friendly rivalaries, and even the not-so friendly ones... because they push me to work as hard as I can and I really grow. But latley I feel like they've all left me in the dust. Not because I'm not talented, not because I'm not out there doing new things... but more because they have the time to keep pushing themselves creatively. Most of them are doing something in the art world (photography/modeling/music etc) full time so are able to give it their full attention. In the good old days even with two jobs, school, and student teaching I could keep up with them. I think that says a lot. But these days there just isn't time. Even though Im down to 1 job and school. You'd think I'd have more time but the thing is...

I sometimes have to spend whole days in bed because of my illness. I have to rest a lot. I've forced myself into a slower pace in order to survive. I'd like to go out and do more photo shoots, stay up all night drawing, and play more shows but the fact is I need to rest a whole freaking lot just to get through work and school without pain.

It's frusturating. I feel like a person who's geared to be in constant motion. I know it's selfish of me to complain of such a thing when others would kill to be able to experience many of the things I have. I don't consider myself full of talent but I appreciate those who do think that of me. I just feel like being sick is compromising everything about me.

I used to look at the work of my rivals and be like, "all right, bring it on!" and now I can't bother myself to check things out because it makes me feel sad about my own shortcomings- which initially I think they'd probably like more than an increased drive.

But I guess that's what <i>being sick</i> does to people. Knocks them down a few pegs. You do and don't have the ability to do things you want to. Sure I can play guitar and I've worked hard to be good at it... but I don't really have the ability to <i>play</i> guitar like I used to- without extreme amounts of pain- or go and play shows once a week.

I know life changes. 10 years from now I could be complaining of the same fact because I'd have a family. Though I think having a family would replace my creative needs in a better way than being sick- and I know it wouldn't completley compromise them.

I guess I'm just feeling particularily helpless tonight. I have so many creative ideas. So many things I want to do if I just had the energy. I know in reality I'm capable because I've done it before. I just hate having to slow down. I feel like being sick is compromising my personality.

The worst is the waiting around on doctors. Do you know how scared they've made me? Thank God for all of you supporting me. They all argue and disagree with each other. You'd think seeing 5 specialists, your family doctor, and a physiothrapist that they'd all agree on what's the best course of action and what your actual ailment is. I've heard everything from MS, highly sensative person, brain tumor to failing nervous system, spinal injury, and birth defects. From what I've learned about each I've got my own ideas about what's wrong with me. There are hard facts about my tests that can't be ignored. I feel out of control with my progress to getting better and I feel like the doctors are kinda fighting over me more than helping me sometimes.

I've taken my own steps to getting better. The diet, the pain journal, reading all the books and watching all the dvds the docs have recomended. I cut my hair off, I take the pills, and I stay in when I feel well and don't go out when I really want to so I can stay feeling well. That's one frustrating part of it. I feel fine but still have to take it easy even when I do. Otherwise I think, hey I can handle this. And I end up in bed in the worst pain ever for two days.

I guess I'm getting restless waiting for help and I feel like my life is passing me by. I've got big ambitions. I've always sucseeded in what I wanted. I've made my own dreams come true. I wanna keep being like that. I want to live this life to the fullest and do everything I want.

I just needed to vent a little. I hate having to spend so much time in bed. I've got ADHD damnit... it drives me bonkers :)

But you've all been lovely. It makes me feel so great sometimes to the point of tears when you write me with your love, support, and share your own stories. Being able to create any art through this time has been a blessing for me. One I don't take for granted. Though I'm complaining a bit here I'm well aware that it could be worse and I'm greatful for what I do have and can do. I hope you'll just permit me this one little pity-party. I usually feel a lot better after venting and then I can start piecing together what I'm going to do to move forward. Being listened to and having you all validate my feelings during all of this is a huge help and much needed.

So thanks

Small Update

nothingtosing — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:54:22 GMT

Ugh. I hate being a sick person. I've been doing kinda OK for the past few weeks but some days are just hard. All my hair is gone. All short. Just like the old days so I don't really mind. It's only making minimal difference for me though... sometimes I feel like if I shaved it all off I'd feel better

Im starting an argentian tango class. The doc thinks it'll help. I'm worried i'm gonna suck. Anyone know a darn thing about dance shoes? Because I dont. And I need some. And people I have asked have ignored me. Thanks guys. Thanks.

Im doing better in school this semester. But I find it hard when I have to miss time to stay in bed. I lose my enthusiasm. I lose my drive. I just wanna sleep.

I'll be a mermaid soon. It's exciting. very exciting. Starting my own little HFX business. Using my degree. It'll rock.

I love my boyfriend. He's been such a rock through all of this. I dont know how anyone could possibly put up with me on my bad days let alone love me. But he's above and beyond. he reads all the health books, watched the doctors dvds, comes to appointments when he can... asks about the ones he misses in great detail.

I think I finally have the right guy in my life. After a year and a half I still feel like I did when I first met him. That's never happened before. Usually by now Im trying to convince myself Im happy... not marvelling at the fact that I actually am.

I keep losing the feeling in my left hand. it's weird and happens in weird places, like just segments of my fingers. I guess it's common.

I wish they'd figure out what's wrong. In the past 4 months I've gone from MS, to highly sensative person, to brain tumor, to failing nervous system. Hopefully the 4 doctors Im seeing in March will help. I really dont want a hole in my skull.

Updated

nothingtosing — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 02:32:00 GMT

Updated!
http://stefsphotoblog.blogspot.com/

of mice and men

nothingtosing — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:51:38 GMT

There's a guy at school who bullies me. Yup, even in university. Im pretty scared of him and generally avoid him at all costs. Today I found out his father dropped dead for an unknown reason on new years day. Today I saw him in the halls at school. Today I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him for a hug without warning, and he hugged back.

Today I took the road less travelled, and I feel better for it.

OMG she did it

nothingtosing — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 04:51:29 GMT

guys. gals. in-betweens.
I uploaded new music to my myspace
OMG I know right?
who uses myspace anymore?
ee I'm excited.
It's just a handful of live recordings...
but I'd love if you listen
http://www.myspace.com/allthosethings

Astronomy for the win!

nothingtosing — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 20:36:14 GMT

I have one exam left and Im feeling pretty good about it. Then I have to work right after... boo. but then... I am free. (aside from working)
free to be as crazily creative as I can in the next few weeks, Im hitting the recording studio, I have two modeling shoots booked and am going to harass a new friend to let me take photos of her with my film camera (and possibly my new digital) . Im going to play open mic next weeek. I;ll be getting my tablet back and going crazy on that lovely thing.

Im desperate for my new guitar strings though, and I can't wait to get the rest for my harmonica so I can play it and my guitar at the same time. (you wanna see something funny? imagine me holding a harmonica with my teeth while playing guitar. hilarious)

I just wanna get going on all these thing, I hope my damn weak body will keep up with me!

Updated!

nothingtosing — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 04:16:43 GMT

http://stefsphotoblog.blogspot.com/

Things to Do!

nothingtosing — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:38:06 GMT

For the end of this week:
~~Make appointment and meet with Dr. Fitzgereald~~
~~Make Dr. Appointment for Friday~~
Biology Assignment (Wed)
Prepare for meeting with Dr. S (Wed)
Prepare songs for Art Gallery Opening (Thursday)
Burn CD for mum to bring Thursday
Finish/Pass in Observation Projects
Secret Santa for work Saturday
~~Find out where Grant money is being sent and get it!~~
~~Get Loan form signed~~ and processed
Print off last Drama entry and combine with other lists to hand in
Prepare props for Drama on Monday
Help Flloyd move

For the end of term:
Watch History Videos/take notes (all 10 of 'em)
Write Drama lesson plan
Read/Review Drama Book
Print off tests for Astronomy
Start studying for exams!