Everything is Everything

Attempting an entry

nikcool — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 23:36:24 GMT

I'm trying to work my way through school so I can get a job that doesn't suck and support my kids. I'm not doing so well.

I changed my major and I know I can do this programming work, but I get crippling anxiety and just can't do anything else. It's hard because I don't want to fail and I've got so many things working against me.

It would really help if I had some kind of support circle, like someone to help with the kids so I can do schoolwork, or clean the house, or sleep or shower. But no. (I have some help, but only a few hours at a time, never in the evenings or weekends) I'd also like to live in a place that isn't falling apart. Where I can lock the kitchen door to keep kids out of my fridge and from breaking all of my eggs.

I've done NO writing in the past few months, other than a little RP, which I don't really have time for. I also haven't done much pampering stuff and when I do I feel guilty for spending the money since I have close to none.

Oh well. It's not forever, right?

nikcool — Sun, 19 Jul 2015 07:17:51 GMT

So...

I'm still angry. Angry and hurt, and ready to move on with my life. I'm not sure if that's a horrible thing to say or not, but the more I think about the situation, the worse I feel.

I think everyone still thinks him to be a good guy, but I can't anymore. I think about what happened, and my history, and I get MAD. I think back to how things were before it all fell apart and I get even madder! Mostly at myself.

I've got these kids to take care of, and a house to keep in order, so I can't let myself get depressed again. I really just want to move somewhere and disappear... a fresh start.

I'm wondering what he's telling everyone, and if I should delete our joint friends from my facebook. I wonder if I should delete his family. They did help out last year, but everything dropped off after that. My family has been awesome, but I wait for the day that they stop helping. I'm stressing about stuff so much I can't concentrate in my classes.

And if anyone wants to know what happened, I will talk privately. I don't know how he expects me not to tell anyone.

Shop my AVON store!

nikcool — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 16:57:38 GMT

Here's a sneak peak at some of the latest products available at Avon. Be sure to click

nikcool — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 02:37:05 GMT

Lack of meaningful rp, lack of online friends and conversations and real life have pretty much killed my internet addiction :/

nikcool — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:29:48 GMT

My grandfather has stopped treatment, and is off of everything now. It's only a matter of time. Dammnit. I can't even get out to see him one last time.

Also, the electric is out, and they'll have to tear the walls up to fix it. The walls I remember my Grandfather putting up. Everything seems to remind me of him, and I miss him already. I just want my grandfather home and healthy and that won't happen.

nikcool — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 17:01:52 GMT

My grandfather is in icu and on a breathing machine :(

nikcool — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 08:31:39 GMT

I'm getting too stressed out, and am tired of trying to be perfect. Also, I want to be treated like an adult!

I can't keep this place kept up perfectly with two kids under two, and I'm supposed to be fully unpacked in just a few weeks? Argh.

The icing on the cake? I hope this is it, anyway

nikcool — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:38:22 GMT

So, this morning, my eyeglasses snapped in half. There is no way I can fix them, and we really can't afford another pair at the crazy prices the stores charge. (I have a high prescription, so even online retailers charge me extra).

We can't pay rent, the baby is due any day, and there's no way we can afford to do anything for Christmas. All of this because I can't work right now.

Also, Gigi has a cold or something and I hate when she's sick :( I just want her to smile and laugh at me.

In good news? It's finally cold outside which means I'm finally comfortable. The summer/fall months were torture this year.

nikcool — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 09:34:05 GMT

I know things could be worse, but right now I'm sick of being pregnant (I never thought I'd say that!). I'm also sick of being broke, but I can't work right now. It's frustrating because I want to pay my cell phone bill and contribute to household expenses, and without a phone means I have trouble contacting jim. That's a problem because there are almost no payphones in this town and most places shut by 7 at the latest. It's not a problem now, but will be once I'm allowed to be up and about again.

Honestly I had no idea that babies movie so much! I can see him kicking, and it's strong enough that if something is touching my stomach, it will move. So, clearly this kid is just going to burst out, like an alien or demon.

So, RP is my habit and most of my partners have dropped of the planet, probably because I'm a flake and forget about posts 78% of the time. I sent an apology to someone after she posted to brps (probably about someone else), and didn't hear anything back. It's not like I look at people and decide I'm going to hurt their feelings by flaking! I flake on everyone equally and it's been going on long enough that I think it's a chronic condition. In my hormonal state I automatically think this person hates me now :/ All I want are plots and fun, something else to think about other than my current situation. Also, failed so far on Nano this year but it's still not too late.

Also. A few months old, but I had to share.

just complaining

nikcool — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 06:08:00 GMT

So, I've been in UVA because of preterm labor

I understand why I'm here, and really want a healthy baby, but...

well, I was moved to an uncomfortable room today, with walls with chipped paint and a funny smell, and if I'm going to be released soon IDK how we're going to manage. We live on the third floor of our building, the hospital is 1.5 hours away and theres the 0 money problem. Oh, and I miss my daughter :( I'm supposed to start a new blood thinner, but to get it I have to walk all the way across the hospital campus (and I have a feeling I'm supposed to be on bedrest)

But who knows? Maybe I'll get released with no restrictions, can go back to work and still have a job and manage to have a healthy baby! And, theres people I've called about various types of help that aren't calling me back. I wish I didn't need to even ask for help, but now I have to and realize it's impossible :/

nikcool — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 02:34:28 GMT

So Jim heard from the real estate agent, who told us to get preapproved first, then said that she wasn't sure about the condition of the house and that it might be hard to get a VA loan for.

That's not meant to be discouraging, is it? Because it seems like it.

nikcool — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 00:18:32 GMT

I really, really want a house. Reasons are as follows.

1) Rent is waaaay too high right now, and it keeps going up. We also pay all utilities, so that brings our monthly costs up even more.
2) we need more space, but the three bedroom apartments are even more!
3) I can't handle all of the stairs anymore. I know other people do it all the time, but it's a lot for me.

Reasons why we won't get any type of loan

1)Bad credit. It's mostly medical bills, or credit I took out when I was an idiot in college :(
2)Lack of down payment.

Reasons why I REALLY want this house in particular.

1) My favorite great aunt lived in it, and I think her husband built it.
2) It's across a field from family
3) It's $86,000!
4) I looked into what a mortgage would cost (including insurances, taxes, utilities, etc) and it's still A few hundred less than rent!
5) We don't care about a resell value, because we'd want to keep it in the family. My family has had that land for a really long time, until part of it was sold.
6) It's the perfect size
7) We would actually be able to afford to live there, unlike where we are now. And we're in low income housing right now.

On being ignored

nikcool — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 03:48:18 GMT

That's actually worse than someone just telling me what they're thinking.

I hate it, and I don't understand why people do that. Not just a 'hi' and they forget to speak, but a willful ignoring. It makes me want to flounce, or- I don't know. People need to learn to move past things and if they do have a problem, TELL SOMEONE.

nikcool — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 01:51:30 GMT

Three year anniversary today!

Must make a point to post when things get better

nikcool — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 18:10:50 GMT

The car broke down, spent a lot fixing it and now don't have enough for Rent. Today is the last day to pay late and our lease won't be renewed because of it.

In good news, I'm going to have cinnamon rolls later, and will do some major cleaning today! Why can't stuff just be self cleaning?

First Birthday

nikcool — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 02:39:23 GMT

My little girl turned ONE yesterday. I'm so happy about it! I'm still worried, I always worry about her. I can't forget how terrible losing Jake was, and I want Gigi to be around forever. So, I worry too much.

I think she might be a little spoiled too, but that's not entirely my fault! I mean, I give her what she wants if I can but so does everyone else. Anyway. She's a year old!

nikcool — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:59:39 GMT

Be happy you have a job!

Everyone says that, yet this week I've been called out every day so far.

frosting

nikcool — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 03:32:20 GMT

1/2 c. cream
1 tbsp. corn syrup
dash salt
1/2 tsp vanilla
10 oz. chocolate chips
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 sticks butter, cut into 1/2 tbsp pieces

heat cream with corn syrup and salt on stove until simmering, pour chips into a bowl and add simmering cream slowly, while beating with handmixer, until choc is melted. add powdered sugar and vanilla and beat until smooth. Then add butter one piece at a time, waiting until the piece is incorporated before adding another. cool until thick and spreadable. Beat once more to make fluffier.

nikcool — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 14:31:21 GMT

Ack! About to enter my cheesecake in a competition and I didn't have enough caramel and I think I overbaked it!

At least I know why I'll lose or at least lose points.

Oh well. next time!

ETA: It won!

Candy apple cheesecake

nikcool — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 22:46:27 GMT

1.5 cups of crushed graham crackers
1 stick butter (melted)
1/2 tsp cinnamon
3 tbsp sugar

Cut circle of parchment paper to cover the bottom of a springform pan. (8-10 inch )Crush crackers into fine crumbs and mix with cinnamon and sugar. Mix with butter. Press into bottom and halfway up the sides of a 9.5 inch spring form pan. Bake for 6-8 minutes at 375 (until golden brown). Set aside to cool.

1/4 cup sugar
3 tbsp of butter
1/4 cup cream
chopped pecans

Heat sugar in light colored pan until melted and amber in color. Using a wooden spoon, mix in butter, then whisk in cream. Pour to cover bottom of crust, sprinkle with pecans and refrigerate

4 Granny Smith apples, cored, peeled and thinly sliced
5 tbsp butter
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon

Melt butter in large skillet, stir in cinnamon, salt and brown sugar. Cook until bubbling, then toss apples in sauce. Cook until apples are soft and most of the liquid has reduced. Let cool.

16 oz cream cheese
1/2 cup of sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice

Mix cream cheese and sugar until smooth, then add eggs, vanilla and lemon until blended.

Evenly spread apples over the bottom of the crust, then pour cream cheese mixture over the apples. Bake at 350 for about 30 minutes, until the center of the cheesecake is jiggly and the edges are firm. Set pan on rack to cool to room temperature, the refrigerate overnight.

To serve, release sides of springform pan.

3/4 cup heavy cream
3-4 tbsp. confectioners’ sugar
1/4-1/2 cup caramel
chopped pecans

Beat the cream and confectioners sugar together until stiff peaks form, spread on top of cake, drizzle with caramel and sprinkle with chopped pecans.

nikcool — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 14:59:16 GMT

I've said this before and will say it again:

I hate banks. They're holding funds and I guess would rather see us out on the street than paying a check when the funds are there.

Also, I've got a job but it sucks. I don't get hours so I'm not getting paid anything. WTF is the purpose of having it?

nikcool — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 19:26:41 GMT

I had a job interview today! Bad news is, it pays crap and I might not get hours every week.

Good news? It's 6 minutes away from the apartment. I had an interview last week and didnt get the job.

In other news, spit up and drool are very much a part of a parents life. I didn't quite realize how true that was until recently. And, floating checks is a scary, scary thing.

bah, humbug

nikcool — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 21:44:53 GMT

I hate my bank right now. I had a deposit and a check hit today. My dear bank decided to bounce the check THEN apply the deposit and now I'm screwed.

It was a RENT check, so yes, I'm sufficiently screwed over. Things would be much easier if I had a job.

nikcool — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 01:48:41 GMT

6 oz. frozen orange juice concentrate
1 cup milk
1 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
8-9 ice cubes

1. Combine all ingredients except ice cubes in blender.
2. Blend for about 1-2 minutes, adding ice cubes one at a time.

Also, I'm suffering from Mom worry. Jim is a trooper for putting up with my hyper vigilance and paranoia!

nikcool — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:15:23 GMT

I'm annoyed with the postal service, enough so that I actually called to complain.

I ordered a dress and the shipper sent it priority mail, which I tracked online. Well, yesterday, my postal worker decided not to attempt to deliver mail, lied, and said I wasn't home. There is no way I missed a knock, oh, and the supposed notice he left was NOT in my box.

So lets see what happens today. Stupid postal carriers >:( This isn't the first time it's happened, no wonder they're losing business.