.....::cant take my pain away::......

My #metoo

nicoll — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 05:53:15 GMT

When I was 10 or 11, in 6th grade, a friend's older cousin would drive us to church when I would go with her. He was probably 20 or 21 at the time, he had already graduated high school and was no longer in the youth groups that her and I went to. He was always joking around, picking both of us up to swing us around, sneaking up on us to tickle us, and hugging us to sit us on his lap together. My uncles did the same things to me, and I had grown up feeling safe around them... they were like much older brothers to me, so I never really thought much about his behavior. One day after church, my friend's mom wanted to leave early, so I was going to ride home with him and another cousin of hers who was a bit younger than me. Once she got in the car, she pretty much fell asleep, even though I didn't live very far from the church. When we got to my driveway, he wouldn't unlock the car door until I gave him a kiss. I gave him hugs all the time, and he had kissed the side of my head after he carried me to get patched up after a fall, so again, I didn't think much of it. I went to kiss his cheek and instead he grabbed my head and kissed me on the mouth... not just on the lips, but full on mouth. I panicked, he laughed and said he was just joking, but not to tell because he didn't want my friend to find out that he liked me more than her. I went and hid in my room that night because I felt like it was wrong, but I didn't think it was something the adults would believe. I mean, if anyone asked, he could just say that the little cousin was in the car with us so there's no way he would have done anything bad. I wanted to tell my Poppy (my grandfather) because I knew he would tell me what to do, but he was in the hospital because he had recently had a heart attack. I was scared because my family knew his family from the church community, and they were friendly.

The next week I offered to go to church with my grandma, and then the following week I went to the church that was basically right across the street from me with some friends from the neighborhood, so I didn't put myself in that position again. I stayed away from him as much as I could for the next few months, because I was still scared. I ended up going to church with that friend again for her birthday... the youth group was having a big party. Her mom picked me up, and then I was going to ride home with someone who lived on the same street as me... his parents had actually offered so that her family could get to the church early to set stuff up. He was one of my best friends, and his parents were like surrogate parents to me. Once we got there and the youth group party was in full swing, I went into the kitchen area for something... to get a drink, or I was going to the bathroom, I don't remember why. I walked past the preparation area, and he pulled me in, then took me into another little room that was like a storage room. He said he wanted to talk to me about how school has been, because he was worried about me not going to their church for a while. (I regularly switched between the three churches, so me not attending one for a couple months was actually pretty normal.) He asked if I had any other secrets like ours. He pulled me onto his lap by wrapping his arm around me and then grabbing my thigh...the side of his hand was against crotch. He didn't let go of that thigh. He kept asking me questions about kissing, and what I knew about boys, and asking me if I wanted to see more. I wanted to get away from him, so after fidgeting and trying to get away without being aggressive, I told him that I had to use the restroom. He asked me for another kiss and I said no, but he wouldn't let me go without one. I finally just gave him a quick peck on the lips and pulled back, jumping off his lap. He grabbed my arm before I could leave and told me I had to swear on my soul that I'd never tell anyone our secret. He said next time I could learn more. I ended up finding my friend's parents and telling them that I had a stomach ache, and asked if I could lay down in their van. Thankfully, his mom thought that I was at the age that I may be starting my period, she took me into an empty room on the pre-school side, and let me lay on a sleeping mat while talking to me about that stuff, telling me not to be scared, that it was a right of passage that meant I was becoming a woman. That scared me even more, but I was still scared to tell anyone.

I was raised in a small town, in a conservative area, in churches. I had a purity ring. I signed a Love Can Wait purity pledge. I didn't even want to have a boyfriend until I was getting married... because that's what I learned from church. I was taught that bad women were the ones who had sex before marriage, and that once they did that, they were damaged. I was taught that a women who had sex before marriage gave away part of herself every time she had sex with someone, so she'd never be able to give a husband her "whole self." I was taught that men were fallible, and they are tempted by women's bodies, and that it was the devil's fault when they sinned with her... but it didn't mean they were ruined... only the women were. That's why it was so important for us, as girls, to be very careful what we wore and how we acted, so we didn't accidentally tempt any men. This left me completely unprepared for this whole situation. It meant it was all my fault, and I didn't know how to explain to people that I didn't do anything. I didn't understand that I wasn't at fault.

Miss Joanie brought me home and told my Poppy about my stomach ache, and how she thought I may be starting my period because of the way that I was curling up and holding my stomach. In reality, I just wanted to take up the smallest amount of space possible, so that I'd be forgotten, or at least not noticed. I was scared to tell my Poppy because I didn't want to make him sick again. So I didn't. I've never told anyone else. I started to try to tell one of the elders at the church he went to, not realizing that the elder was his uncle. Before I could really start telling him what happened, he told me that the devil was trying to use me, and that it meant that I needed to spend more time in prayer. I felt like trying again would be pointless, because they'd just say it was my fault. Pretty soon, I started questioning all of the religious teaching I had been raised with. I talked with my Poppy about those questions, but I couldn't tell him totally what happened. I told him that I didn't believe that people who were helpless could be responsible for the bad things that are forced on them. He didn't have an answer other than it makes people stronger, but he understood my position. He agreed to let me explore other religions and make my own choice about what to believe in on my own. This experience still stuck with me. It kept me from having confidence in myself. It has affected relationships my whole life.

When I was 17, after I graduated high school, I moved out with a roommate into an apartment. I came home from work early one night because I was really sick. My roommate/best friend and her boyfriend were drinking and watching a movie in the living room, so I told her I was passing out sick in my bedroom. I was running a fever, had snot dripping out of my nose, I was coughing my lungs up, and I had a 5 gallon paint bucket beside my bed because I was puking into it. I was covered in sweat. I felt awful, and I know I looked it because I saw myself in the mirror when I got home. I took cough medicine and then passed out, hoping to sleep it off. I was completely out when I heard my door slam open. My door had been locked. Her boyfriend had kicked it open, and before I realized completely what was going on, I was pinned to my bed with a knife to my throat. I couldn't scream because of me being sick and being scared that he would slit my throat. I remember he had a Tool shirt, the album cover from Aenima. He had a midi ringtone from the song Schism, because it kept going off. He kept calling me a slut and saying that I deserved this, that I had been asking for it by my actions. He said I wanted him but I was too stuck up to do anything about it, because I thought I was better than him.

When he was done, he ripped my underwear, trying to pull them off while they were still around my knees. He cut the center out, and then jerked on the side again, but they didn't fully break, so he kept doing it. I had bruises and cuts from him doing that. I don't even know why he did it, because he just dropped them beside the foot of my bed and then tried to walk off. Once he stumbled out, I closed my bedroom door as best as I could, and then pushed my dresser in front of the door as far as I could get it. I moved all of my clothes baskets and everything else against the other half of the door. I then went in my bathroom, locked the door, and ended up crying myself to sleep in the bathtub.

I told my roommate when I finally got the courage to leave my room, and I knew he wasn't there. I showed her the cut on my throat where he held it too hard against my skin. I showed her the bruises and cuts on my legs from him trying to rip my underwear off. I showed her the bruises on my wrists from where he left hand prints. Instead of getting angry at him, she got angry at me. She blamed me. She said I was always flirting with him, and that he hadn't even been there the night I said this happened. She claimed it couldn't have happened because I was at work. She was so drunk that she didn't remember me coming home sick. She ended up beating me up, because she blamed me, saying I was trying to ruin her life by taking him away from her. I had always tried to avoid him because he was too loud and obnoxious, but when I had to be around him I was polite, but didn't talk much. I tried to keep a book or my gameboy with me so I didn't have to interact with him. It was just easier to blame me than admit that he had committed a horrible act. I went to the cops, they asked what I was wearing, and what I had done to invite his advances. I told someone in my family who told me I was making it up. I told my boyfriend at the time, and he blamed me for cheating on him, and broke up with me. I ran away to friends that were 2 hours away, so that I could sleep at night without having to fall asleep crying, holding a weapon. I went from being a freshman in college at 17 to dropping out of college and taking drugs to escape.

When I managed to get myself back into college, I tried my hardest to not let anything like this happen again. I dated one guy, who was someone I had known for several years. I didn't drink. I didn't take any drugs. If I went out with friends, I was the designated driver, and I stayed near someone I came with. I was the designated driver for a sorority party one night at a house owned by one of the other sorority girls. (Not my sorority) I was drinking bottled water, and keeping it in my hand or purse at all times. I finished a bottle and walked into the kitchen to get another, there were a couple guys by the cooler, but no one was near the fridge. I grabbed the last cold bottle that was in there, and put the next case in. I couldn't get the cap open for anything... no amount of struggling with it was working. I was about to cut the top off when one of the guys offered to open it. He stood facing me, so I didn't think there was anything that could happen... but then he couldn't open it. He turned around to grab the dish towel that was beside the sink and twist the cap off... he was turned around for less than a minute by the time I got up to the counter to see, but when he pulled the dish towel off, he was able to unscrew the top. He hadn't been turned around for very long, so I naively thought nothing could have happened. He pulled the top off and handed me the bottle, but I said I was taking it with me, so he handed me the cap back. At no point did I think there was a way he could have gotten something into my drink. The conversation with my friends was the last thing I remember from that night. My friends found me passed out in a bathroom with my bra missing and my panties on inside out. I was missing my sorority bracelet and a Tiffany necklace. They said I was barely breathing, and I kept throwing up then passing back out. One of our other sober friends took me to the hospital, with a couple girls going to keep me company. I woke up in the hospital. I was told I drank until I passed out. My shirt had what smelled like tequila spilled all across it, and I had beer in my hair, and my blood alcohol was like I had just taken several shots. Everyone with me kept telling the ER that there's no way, because no one had seen me drink anything except water. Because my friends had been drinking, no one listened to them. When the ER finally did a drug test, they found GHB in my system, but ignored it because lots of kids do it recreationally. I asked to have the cops called, and they came and took statements. They said they would investigate. Two days later they called me back and told me that they didn't have enough evidence to charge anyone with anything, so they were closing the case. My boyfriend didn't believe me, and started saying he couldn't trust me. That was when his psychological abuse began.

It escalated until he was isolating me from my family and friends, and then berating me for doing well at work. He screamed at me for getting a promotion, and then shattered my laptop for getting a raise. He would make threats that I would never leave him because I loved my daughter and brothers too much, implying that he would harm them if I left him. After I was diagnosed with lupus, and started chemotherapy, I was so tired and sick that I didn't have enough energy to even care about sex. That didn't matter to him. He forced me to almost every day, even though I would be crying from the pain and him forcing his weight on top of me. I was 80 lbs... he was 220. I couldn't fight back. I didn't have the strength or energy. When I got really sick, and stopped fighting, he would get angry and then hit me. It didn't matter what I did, I couldn't fight him off or make him stop. He kept escalating until he broke my ribs and left hand bruises around my neck, from where he was choking me. I had bruises around my eye and a busted lip. When the neighbors called the cops, he told them that I tried to kill myself. When I asked the cops to have him removed from *my* apartment, they said it was a civil matter, but they would assist me by being there when I told him he needed to leave. After I came home from the hospital, he refused to leave, so I had to call the cops. Before the cops got there, he pinned me in the bathroom and raped me again. He told the cops that I had started punching him, so that he pushed me down so I couldn't hurt him. Because he claimed I hit him, the cops would have had to charge both of us with simple assault. He didn't have a job, but I had a great one, and an assault charge would have made me lose it. That was his goal. When I told the cops about him raping me, they said they couldn't do anything about it because we were together.

I've lived with PTSD for more than half of my life. Every sexual assault I've been through, even with irrefutable proof, has gone unpunished.

I have a daughter now. I hope that she will never have to go through anything even remotely like this. I hope she never has to deal with any form of sexual harassment. I also know that 1 in 4 women do become victims of this crime. I can't protect her, but maybe by speaking up, I can add my voice and people may start paying attention at some point.

nicoll — Sun, 19 Aug 2018 09:31:15 GMT

"Here Without You"

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
and I don’t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I’m here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated
but I hope it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I’m here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I’m here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

The love that burns twice as bright...

nicoll — Sun, 19 Aug 2018 09:21:39 GMT

I'm not even sure what to do, or say, or feel. I feel numb. I feel empty. I feel like I need to redo all of my life. I feel like I'm going to cry all the time.

I keep waking up feeling the pressure on my hip bones, which is where he always grabbed me. I keep feeling the tingles on my neck from where he would grab the back of my hair to kiss me. I keep feeling the pressure on my shoulders from where he would hold me pinned against the wall. He could pick me up so easily, because I was so much smaller than him. I wake up hoping this is all a dream, that Brandon will call me, wanting to talk about cars, or wanting to see me.

Our relationship was so rocky, we would break up and get back together all in a day. We could be yelling at each other, but then making up a few minutes later. We were both scared of how intensly we felt about each other, because we were so young and didn't know how to react. We were both so stubborn. We were both in love, but scared to be in love. We both knew we couldn't live without the other, but were scared of what that meant. We were addicted to each other, and it's not an addiction that was ever broken.

I would have run away and married him without a wedding at any point. I would have given up college and given him everything. I would have done anything to be with him... but we were both scared.

His mom accused me of only wanting him for his money. I would never let him buy me anything expensive, because I never wanted that. I wanted him, and I didn't care if we were rich or poor... I just wanted to be with him.

I won't forget what it felt like when we were together. I won't ever be able to forget the way his hands felt on me, or his mouth, or how his body felt against me.

When we were first together, we were careful so I didn't get pregnant. We were both too young and I already had Mia, so we didn't want to add to that stress. We wanted to be sure we could survive and provide for another child. Right before he left for the Army, he asked me to stop my birth control. He wanted me to get pregnant, so he knew he had a family to come home to. I managed to get pregnant, but miscarried early. I never could tell him because I was heart broken. When he asked me to meet him at the airport when he came home, when he was going through the divorce with Jaz, he asked me to again, and we spent that 10 days trying. I skipped class for those 2 weeks, and I didn't really care how it affected my grades. I got pregnant again then, and then he had to go back to Afghanistan. I found out I was pregnant shortly after, and made it to about 3 1/2 months, but then got in a car wreck and miscarried. I couldn't do anything for a long time after that. All I wanted to do was give him babies... and before him I never wanted kids. Even when I dated anyone else, I never wanted kids. It was only him. I only wanted him.

Everything about him was an addiction. If he wanted to see me, or was going to be here for a week or more, I broke up with boyfriends to go back to Brandon. I couldn't say no to him. I felt like he always had part of my soul, part of my heart, and I had part of his. We were always bound together. We fit together perfectly. We had to be together, it was like gravity was pulling us towards each other. I couldn't say no to him. I wanted him as much as he wanted me. It was more than lust, it never subsided even after 15 years. It was love that was terrifying to both of us. It always made me think of a couple of Blade Runner lines that I changed to fit our feelings. -

Quite an experience to live in love, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave.

The love that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast... and ours has burned so, so brightly.

I love you Brandon. I always will. You'll always be a part of me, just like a piece of me was buried with you. I miss you, and I don't know how I will go on each day knowing that you're not out here, somewhere, breathing and loving and just being you. I know that there will never be anyone else that comes close to you, with that love that was so intense that it scared both of us.

ii smack skankz: i love you and i miss you
ii smack skankz: please be careful
Mean RT: love you too

mean rt: *holds you close* don't cry

I will always love you.

Sgt. Brandon Matthew Bonilla
July 18th, 1983
July 18th, 2003 (I fell in love with you)
July 13th, 2018

just a post to let everyone know that i'm still alive....

nicoll — Sun, 19 Feb 2006 23:44:46 GMT

and I chopped all my hair off and dyed it black.

nicoll — Sat, 18 Jun 2005 03:16:11 GMT

this guy is responsible for about 45 min of totally wasted time on aim... he really makes my head hurt. i just wish my aim block list wasn't already full of morons that have pissed me off :/

punchinUpbacala: wa u dewin 2night
ii smack skankz: none of your business
punchinUpbacala: i wann make it up 2 u
ii smack skankz: gee really?
ii smack skankz: how about you stop messaging me
punchinUpbacala: cant
punchinUpbacala: u 2 hot
ii smack skankz: go away
punchinUpbacala: untroo
punchinUpbacala: cant
ii smack skankz: dude, get a fucking grip
ii smack skankz: i don't like you
ii smack skankz: i never will
ii smack skankz: you don't stand a chance with me
ii smack skankz: what part of that isn't clear
punchinUpbacala: untrooooooooo
punchinUpbacala: its the law of averages
punchinUpbacala: my average with chix = 95 %
punchinUpbacala: so mathematically i gatta good chance
punchinUpbacala: u just saying u dont like me bc of my past with bella
punchinUpbacala: but thaz in the past
punchinUpbacala: na mean
ii smack skankz: uhm.. no
punchinUpbacala: yes
ii smack skankz: i don't like you because you are ugly, you are a prick, and you think you have a shot with me when i've stated multiple times that you dont
ii smack skankz: now, anything else you are unclear on?
punchinUpbacala: awww
punchinUpbacala: u know my 1st gf
punchinUpbacala: be4 i used 2 lift weights
punchinUpbacala: told me all those things
ii smack skankz: am i honestly going to give a shit?
punchinUpbacala: n i went out wit her for 3 yrs
ii smack skankz: probably not
punchinUpbacala: lol
ii smack skankz: yeah well, guess what, i'm not her
punchinUpbacala: u r
ii smack skankz: nope
punchinUpbacala: her name was nicole
ii smack skankz: ok thats not my name
punchinUpbacala: yea it is
ii smack skankz: actually, no its not
punchinUpbacala: then u lied bout it
ii smack skankz: nope
punchinUpbacala: yepp
punchinUpbacala: u said ur nicole
ii smack skankz: uh.. no
punchinUpbacala: yeppp
punchinUpbacala: c u lie
ii smack skankz: no.. my name is Nicoll
punchinUpbacala: ur a hypocrite
punchinUpbacala: wa r u
punchinUpbacala: irish n mexican?
punchinUpbacala: lol
ii smack skankz: if you can't even spell your first girlfriend's name, then you obviously are a moron
punchinUpbacala: na
punchinUpbacala: her name was nicolette
punchinUpbacala: nicole 4 short
ii smack skankz: why do i care?
ii smack skankz: oh thats right.. i still dont
punchinUpbacala: ur bitchy
punchinUpbacala: u need 2 get a smack
ii smack skankz: gee i've always been this way
ii smack skankz: possibly because i think you are a dumb fucking idiot
ii smack skankz: but hey, you can't seem to get the hint
punchinUpbacala: u dont think im cerebral?
punchinUpbacala: lolol
punchinUpbacala: wa u dewin tonight
punchinUpbacala: seerious
punchinUpbacala: i wann show u how hot i am
punchinUpbacala: in person
ii smack skankz: ok.. let me make this crystal clear to you
ii smack skankz: you aren't hot
punchinUpbacala: dude
ii smack skankz: you may have little faghags and smu sluts wanting your dick, but that's because they will fuck anything that will have them
punchinUpbacala: y do i have like flocks of bitches wanting me then
ii smack skankz: i do not, and will not, ever like a guy that constantly disrespects me
ii smack skankz: because they are just that.... bitches
punchinUpbacala: dont like me
punchinUpbacala: just come c if im not hot in person
ii smack skankz: i'm not some $2 tramp looking for a ring on my finger
punchinUpbacala: smu girls r hot
punchinUpbacala: comeon
ii smack skankz: if i want something, i can get it myself
punchinUpbacala: this smu girl i went out with
punchinUpbacala: wwas nice
punchinUpbacala: she took me out 2 eat
ii smack skankz: i don't need some over-inflated ego thinking that just because he has a dick he can get me
punchinUpbacala: @ fogo
punchinUpbacala: de chao
ii smack skankz: who the fuck cares?
ii smack skankz: i dont
ii smack skankz: so fucking what
ii smack skankz: go back to screwing her
ii smack skankz: because you wont get me
ii smack skankz: so you are now dismissed
ii smack skankz: bye now
punchinUpbacala: i didnt even bang her
punchinUpbacala: she said
punchinUpbacala: lets be official bf gf
ii smack skankz: why are you telling me
ii smack skankz: i dont give a shit
ii smack skankz: i'm not going to waste my time driving anywhere to come see you make more of a fool of yourself than you already have
punchinUpbacala: ill drive 2 u
punchinUpbacala: or wait
punchinUpbacala: catch a cab
punchinUpbacala: ill reimburse u
ii smack skankz: you aren't going to impress me by having whores all around you or flashing money or whatever the hell you do to get sluts
punchinUpbacala: na i mean
ii smack skankz: fuck no
punchinUpbacala: lol
punchinUpbacala: i dont flash money
punchinUpbacala: 2 get gerls
punchinUpbacala: lmaooooooooooooo
punchinUpbacala: omg
punchinUpbacala: rofl
punchinUpbacala: that was cute
ii smack skankz: well it can't be your searing wit
punchinUpbacala: i like u haha
ii smack skankz: and its not your looks
punchinUpbacala: it is my looks
punchinUpbacala: n u know it
ii smack skankz: what was that song by nelly? tipdrill..
ii smack skankz: that song keeps coming to mind
ii smack skankz: either way.. its friday night
ii smack skankz: i have shit to do, and you aren't on the list
ii smack skankz: bye now
punchinUpbacala: eww
punchinUpbacala: go take a shhh]
punchinUpbacala: gross

and this is said guy...
the one in the middle being kissed by the guy

yup.. he's a real winner...

probably NWS/not dial-up friendly

nicoll — Thu, 16 Jun 2005 06:51:55 GMT

nothing overtly NWS, but better safe than sorry.
big pictures, not dial-up friendly.

random acts of metal

nicoll — Sat, 04 Jun 2005 01:14:53 GMT

i got bored, and decided it'd be a good idea to peirce my navel again. ( i didnt do it myself, it was professionally done)

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y106/flawlesseyesjournal/sticker11.jpg

i've been doing sea salt soaks once a day, and i actually had an allergic reaction to satin soap (honestly don't know why or how, but yeah, my body is weird) so i'm using provon now. I was a firm believer in the LITFA method, but i'm oddly worried about this one. as you can see in the pic, i had my navel pierced before, until a girl ripped it out in a fight. its been healed for over 4 years though. i noticed today when i cleaned it that the bar felt looser. before it felt tight, but it doesnt anymore. Its been forever since i had to baby a piercing, and i got worried. I went to a shop thats by my apt, and i'm pretty unhappy with how they used scare tactics on me (telling me that more girls actually end up with navels you can stick your finger through because they didn't properly clean it and stuff like how girls have gotten really painful keloids on their stomachs because of not cleaning them, and while some of this may be true, i can hardly believe that its a mojority type of thing, seeing as how every one of my chick friends has their navels pierced, and I have lasted a whole 2 weeks cleaning mine, which is a record by far...) but they also told me that i couldnt change my bar for 6-12 months. That seemed a little extreme.. which is what led me here. any input guys?

photo update

nicoll — Thu, 26 May 2005 18:50:59 GMT

click on a thumbnail for a fullsized picture...

Star Wars Episode 3...

nicoll — Thu, 19 May 2005 08:45:23 GMT

WoW.... the CGI is gorgeous.... I'm not going to spoil details for you guys, but the acting and delivery of lines left something to be desired... but for the most part, i was awe-struck by how beautiful everything was...

nicoll — Tue, 17 May 2005 22:12:17 GMT

I just got invted to compete in the Miss Latina USA pageant in San Antonio, Texas on july 1-3...

nicoll — Tue, 10 May 2005 01:54:08 GMT

I got my boyfriend addicted to Star Wars Galaxies...

and now I never get to play :(

nicoll — Mon, 02 May 2005 04:52:20 GMT

i gauged my ears out to 8's on thursday...

It hurt like a bitch.

I got the job @ hollywood video, I start next wednesday.

this should be cool.

We bought another laptop, and final scratch. between me and my boyfriend, we managed to blow $1000 in like 3 days. oh well, that was money that wasnt exactly wasted.. we bought stuff we'd really use (he bought final scratch, which was like $550 and I bought clothes, because I really did need jeans), and I took Mia to chuck e cheese and the botanical gardens today (it was geoffs first time to go to chuck e cheese, and we ended up taking both of my brothers...). she had an absolute blast. i'll post pics later.

my fan mail...

nicoll — Thu, 28 Apr 2005 22:32:19 GMT

nichole you are horrid and your body is even more horrid ..god you look like a fucken square with a shrunken head you nasty ass bitch...god do yourself a service stop taking throw up pics of your skinny mis shaped ugly body..pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee you stink hunney and the pony tails do you no justice what so ever so if you think they make you look cute you got another thing coming ......

*yawn* oh no.. a poor pathetic bitch that somehow feels threatened by me feels the need to talk shit to me in my email... I stopped responding to her in the forums over a month ago.. and it took her that long to apparently find my email address. (hint.. click the little button at the bottom of my message that says email.. dumb broad)

so anyway... its another burnt thursday at Reno's in Depp Ellum.. you guys should come check it out if you are in the area...
the Dallas Party Girls are doing a naughty school girl night (yeah i know i kinda think its over-used.. but its not me throwing this...) so there is going to be lots of half naked girls running around.. last week the girls got the chick bartender half naked and up on the bar.

I'm so stuck on myself that I even used pictures of me for my...

nicoll — Wed, 27 Apr 2005 17:16:09 GMT

You know the drill.. comment to be added

today's photoshoot

nicoll — Mon, 25 Apr 2005 00:59:54 GMT

Wow.. he started out by saying that he was going to take about 150 pics total... in reality, we took over 300! David is so easy to work with! He wants to go down to Deep Ellum to shoot a set down there, that would be sooo much fun. using all the graffiti as a backdrop, because that totally fits my personality.

I'll post some of the pics up when I get the resized and edited. <3

something i wrote for robert a long time ago...

nicoll — Sat, 23 Apr 2005 06:00:17 GMT

His heart is frozen up. He's covered in sweat. His breathing is shallow. He is in deep concentration, his gun not waivering, his eyes locked on his target. An enemy Hunter. He watches as the Hunter looks around. It seemed to be trying to sense him, but was having a hard time because he was so well trained. He slowly started to pull the trigger on his S2 AM Sniper Rifle, which was aimed squarely at the Hunters chest.
"Click click.. boom," he muttered as his rifle discharged, and spun the Hunter around. He dropped down onto his stomach to lay flat and silently and swiftly moving across the moist undergrowth of the marshy jungle terrain.
"I have to get away," he thought to himself. "Too many Hunters aound here, and me all alone." His helmet chirped to life, almost as if someone was reading his thoughts.
"Master Cheif Mays, do you copy?" came the woman's voice. " Yeah I copy you, Cortana. What are my coordinates? Is there any way that Alpha-6 can make a pickup?" he wispered. "Let me send her your status and see if she is otherwise engaged," the woman's voice chirped happily.
His breathing slowly returned to normal, and he sat there listening for any sounds that might be Hunters or Flood. "How did i get stuck in this predicament," he thinks to himself. The year now is 2552. Earth still exsist, but the population problem got too far out of hand, forcing many to colonize other worlds. The closest colony to Earth is reach, a center of scientific and military activity.
Thirty-two years ago, contact with the outer colony Harvest was lost. The battlegroup Omega-5 was sent to investigate. Only one ship made it back. The crew of the OmegaChi-2 told of an unseemingly unstoppable alien warship that has effortlessly annihilated their forces.
This was our first encounter with a group of aliens that eventually became known as the Covenant, a collective of alien races united in their fanatical relegious devotion. Their elders declared Humanity an insult to their gods, and the Covenant warrior caste declared a holy war on us.
After a series of crushing defeats and many of our colonies destroyed, United Nations Space Command Admiral Preston Cole established the Cole Protocol: no vessel may inadvertantly lead the Covenant back to Earth. When forced to withdraw, ships must avoid light jumps to Earth-bound vectors, even if that means jumping without proper navigational calculations. Vessles in danger of capture must self destruct.
On Reach, A secret military project to create cyborg super-soldiers takes on newfound importance. The soldiers of the SPARTAN-II project rack up an impressive record against the Covenant in test deployments, but there are too few of them to change the tide of the war.
Exsisting SPARTAN-II soldiers are recalled to reach for further improvements. There mission was dangerous. Board a Covenant vessel and learn the location of the covenant home world. Two days before the mission was set to start, Covenant forces strike Reach and annihilate the colony. The Covenant are now at the Earth's doorstep. One ship manages to escape, The Pillar of Autumn, and makes a blind jump with the last SPARTAN-II, hoping to lead the Covenant forces away from Earth.
Thats how he ended up here, on Alpha-Halo, on his stomach in the muck and mud, waiting for someone to come pick him up. Cortana's voice comes back to him.
"Master Cheif, Alpha-6 is on her way."
"Thank you, Cortana. How long?"
"One minute until you are picked up in the clearing about 20 meters ahead of you due west."
He starts to crawl over to the edge of the clearing slowly at first, but gaining speed as he senses that there are no Elites or Hutners near him. He begins to hear the hum of the dropship's engines as he gets to the edge of the clearing. The drop ship lands, and the bay doors swing open. He runs up and is strapping in when everything goes black.
"Robert," came his mothers angry voice. "Havent I told you about getting so involved in these games of yours?"
He sits back and blinks, realizing that it was all a game.

nicoll — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 03:54:50 GMT

PMS LIST!
disclaimer: This idea was stolen from the adorable nycxbaybee who stole it from queenobscene. These aer just my thoughts, and my bitches, so if you can't take the honest to fucking god truth, don't read further.

++ I don't always claim to be right, but when I know I feel or think a certain way, don't presume to think that you know more of how my mind works. I have lived with myself for 21 fucking years.. I know myself best.

++ There are a few people in this world that I would do anything for. Don't think that by telling me I'm cute, or sexy, or hot that you will be one of those people. I don't take pictures for people to steal and jack off to. I know its happens, but there isn't much I can do about it to stop it, short of stopping doing what I enjoy and what I like. I'm not going to let someone have that power over me.

++ If you message me, and I don't answer it right away, Don't panic and Don't bitch at me. Maybe I'm busy, Maybe I just don't have time to talk, Maybe I'm not at my computer... You don't have the earth revolving around you, and I have other things to do than sit and wait with bated breath for your message

++ People that should be mature and aren't are the most worthless people. If you can't even support your family, but yet you are buying shit on ebay, you have a problem. You need mental help.

++ If I do something you don't like.. remind me when I actually give a fuck. My life is my life. it doesn't affect you, it doesn't concern you, so stay out of it.

++ people that think they are superior because they were born with money forget one simple thing. Money doesn't scare me, nor does it influence me. I can make my own. You can't buy my friendship, and if you have an ass beating coming to you, you can't buy your way out of that.

++ If you have no friends, and you are begging me for my friendhip, you are about to get a rude awakening.. I'm a bitch. I've grown to deal with it. People that actually know me deal with that. If you want me to be a fucking perky nice girl, you better keep dreaming.

++ people that have to talk about me behind my back aren't cool. you aren't even in the same zip code as cool. talking shit about me isnt going to affect me, nor is it going to help you out any.

++ fat girls that wear too much makeup and not enough clothing should be shot. i don't want to see jello thighs. they don't look good. If you have to wear less clothes to make yourself feel attractive, maybe you should just go the whole way and become a prostitute. at least then you'd get paid and guys would actually fuck you. just don't expect the cuddling.

++ if you feel the need to talk shit about me being skinny, or feel the need to claim that I am on drugs, do me a favor. take your head out of your ass as quickly as possible. you might suffocate up there and do us all a favor.

the meme i stole from wesstubblefield

nicoll — Tue, 19 Apr 2005 21:27:04 GMT

Reply and I'll tell you something I like about you

Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal.

nicoll — Sun, 17 Apr 2005 18:06:26 GMT

Whoever the lame ass monkey is that thinks its cool to spam my boyfriend's blog and try sending us virii.. get over yourself moron.

you virus attempt was so fucking idiotic... WE HAVE A MAC! fucking douche bag. and creating a screen name like thezprincess thinking my boyfriend will open it LOL what a fucking joke. He knows what my email address is, and he knows what email services i use, and why the fuck would i get some idiotic hotmail account when i have my own website that i can create however many email accounts that I want with.

and putting a message on my guestbook saying i need to take nude pix is just over the top immature.

get over yourself loser

nicoll — Tue, 05 Apr 2005 19:40:48 GMT

You agree to NOT use the Service to:
Upload, post or otherwise transmit any content that infringes any patent, trademark, trade secret, copyright or other proprietary rights of any party;

I love it when I'm right...

bwahaha i had to share this one...

nicoll — Sun, 03 Apr 2005 05:40:50 GMT

Colonel Kurtz
You've seen 97% of the internet, and shed 83% of the tears...

I've seen horror... horror that you've seen.

You've seen it all. This is just another pitiful test in your long line of degraded porn, sub culture horror movies and snuff footage. The internet to you is like an anti-Willy Wonka factory. Total abysmal horror. Rivers of filth. Ooompa Loompa porn.

You've probably seen that Oompa Loompa porn, haven't you?

The horror... the horror...

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 98% on experience

You scored higher than 96% on sadness

Link: The I've Been on the Internet Test written by DaveBrubeck on OkCupid Online Dating

nicoll — Sun, 03 Apr 2005 03:32:35 GMT

What is your presidency like?

LJ Username

Political Party

Campaign Slogan

Celebrity Endorsment

Vice President

tekfunk

Cheif of Staff

punk_me_harder

Secretary of State

iamhaley

Scandal caused by relationship with

cari

Scandal

Sold nukes back to the Ruskies

Approval Rating - 30%

This QuickKwiz by malaisia - Taken 20462 Times.
</a>

New - Help with love and dating!

some things I've realized lately...

nicoll — Sat, 02 Apr 2005 03:31:11 GMT

Some of the shit I say is going to get a lot of negative responses, and don't try to talk me into it.. its just stuff i've been noticing...

I'm not pretty, at least not in the conventional way that most guys want. Which is perfectly fine with me, because I'm happy with who I have and how I look.

I have an ok body, but its not all that great. Yeah I'm thin with c cup tits and an ass, but my body isn't anything to be excited about.

I don't obsess over it as much as I used to. I guess I finally grew out of the phase where I needed to feel accepted.

I'm more comfortable now with myself than I've ever been. I finally quit playing all the mind games with myself, I'm eating a lot more regularly and more healthy stuff, and I normally even remember to eat more than twice a day. (for people who haven't read my journal before or haven't known me that long, I was anorexic when I was like 15-16. I convinced myself I wasn't pretty and that no one wanted me (which wasn't far from true but anyway) and I got really bad into self mutilation. thank god for cocoa butter making scars fade)

I don't need to hear how hot/pretty/sexy I am like I used to. I know a lot of the shit I did when I was younger was simply to get acceptance or to try to prove to myself that I was desirable. Now, I'm more comfortable with guys that tell me I'm not all that, and I don't get pissed off about it because I know I have someone that wantsme even when I wake up in the morning running a fever and looking like absolute hell, because he really does love me.

I used to think that growing up happened gradually, and you wouldn't really notice it until someone mentioned how much more mature you were. I now know that, at least in my case, I've literally grown up over night. I talked to some people last night who really made me realize that I'm not like a typical female, and I'm a hell of a lot more understanding than most girlfriends, and I have so much more going for me than just my tits and ass.

nicoll — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 16:40:58 GMT

since everyone else is doing it

nicoll — Mon, 21 Mar 2005 02:55:25 GMT

bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /

Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.

Your Livejournal Blind Date
LJ Username
Gender
Favorite Color
What you are wearing
Oh look! Your blind date is	kyleigh827
Your date is wearing	strategically-placed electrician's tape
You dine	at McDonalds
Then you spend the next three hours	poking a dead squirrel with a stick
Before taking you home, your date gives you	a spanking
This makes you feel	dirty...the bad kind of dirty

This QuickKwiz by sarcasticka - Taken 85505 Times. </a>