I love reading your posts. My cousin was told he was “the spawn of Satan” by family and all manner of horrid things for being gay. The irony is that he is the kindest, most truly humane person in my family of origin. I had to distance myself from the hateful fundamentalist rhetoric. I don’t want to live in their world. It hurt my heart to listen to that sort of thing. They don’t exactly like women, either. Or people of ethnicities outside of their own. I could no longer remain silent to keep the peace in 2012 so I’m persona non grata. That’s fine. I’m at peace with it finally. I wish you all the best, Mr. Postlewait and sincerely appreciate the work you do to help others heal. It is important, meaningful work.
What you are describing about the fundamentals, in my experience, tends to be a packaged deal: Racist, misogynistic, homophobic, all while committing heinous crimes behind closed doors. The insanity in it... Thanks so much for sharing, Elizabeth. I hope your cousin is thriving...and you too! ❤️
The visceral feeling it evokes. How it creates, in real time, a hint of a feeling of what it might be like to be you.
The comment that stuck out the biggest today was the answer to whether you ran from your community that you were raised in. And your answer that affirmed something like, “the best run.”
It struck me as poetic. So beautiful. And so achingly honest. Sometimes running from things is touted as bad when running is the wisest & most loving thing we could possibly do for ourselves.
I am glad you ran. I am glad I ran.
May our running continue to develop greater health, wellbeing & peace stitched into our very souls.
Dear Nate. Thank you for articulating what so many of us feel. I see you. I hear you. I recently realised that I have spent the last 9 years (9 years!!) coming to terms with childhood abuse and sexual assault, slowly peeling away and starting to heal the layers of my own cPTSD; and the 9 years before that untangling myself from the dysfunctional family web and moving away and starting to build my own life. I turned 54 yesterday. A part of me feels sad about all the “lost time”, especially in a profession where tenure matters. I sometimes feel angry about the huge amount of resources I have had to spend and invest in my own healing. Yet a part of me feels relieved that I am where I am now. That I no longer need to work and live with the weight of a ton of trauma bricks on my shoulders every day. Whilst some scars will always remain, the burden becomes lighter the more we heal. And easier to carry when there are people like you that bravely puts words to the challenges we face (and the strides we make). Thank you.
The way you speak can only come from a person who knows those dark layers of hanging on to something and trusting their own ability to heal. 54, but lifetimes of knowledge. Thank you, Shani for showing up here this way. For sharing this part of your story. I hope this year has peace at each step. Much deserved peace. 🫶🏻
Your comment really resonates with me. I had PTSD for 23 years - totally different reasons, but the anger at all the lost time is the same!
I lost my 20s and 30s to trauma, and while it has helped make me the person I am today and given me the opportunity to help others and discover my love of writing, I'm still bitter about it.
I also had to heal myself for most of that time.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your comment as it's very similar to how I feel too.
Six years of bracing teaches the body a posture. You describe opening the laptop at 3pm ready for Bible verses and projection, and I'd guess the muscles were set before the screen loaded. I've noticed in my own recovery from severe depression that kindness with no defence prepared for it hits harder than the attack ever did. There's a script for hate. You've run it hundreds of times, it's almost restful in its familiarity. Care arrives with no script at all, so the whole system has to stand down in real time, and standing down is expensive. Which is maybe why your body has been lagging since Thursday while your soul reports peace. A guard clocking off after six years is tired all at once, six years' worth in one weekend.
This beautiful post touched me in so many directions. I kind of love how your friend said “are you running away from this?” And you said best damn run. I think I paraphrased. I so feel that. I ran too! Far from where the abusers live and to an unknown to me place in the south. Best run ever. Also- on the age thing- I was mentally freaking out when I was turning 60. There’s no f-Ing way I could be 60, and I had been grieving a life full of abuse in 30 yr marriage, and being the scapegoat in my family of origin. And so upon divorce the grief of losing so many of my “best” years hit. And I decided after I turned 61, no misery on that age… I mentally decided I am taking back those lost years of “youth” and I am now seeing myself just in my 50s, for as long as I want. I am taking the time back.
Last thing although I could go on- I was a SAHM, ex did not appreciate that and I literally found myself making lists daily to remind myself and see all the things that I did that were of value- raising 3 kids, all with particularly special needs socially and academically- I wrote lists daily to see on paper that what I did all day was valuable. My ex would say to me “you don’t get a vacation- you don’t work”. There’s that belief - that I don’t get to rest.
Now I have my own home and I get so tired every afternoon. I love your reminder here that maybe I’m just relaxed, and finally listening to my body say “you’ve done enough this morning. Take some down time”. I am allowed. 💗
I found myself nodding my head as I read. The ideas you have carried from others that you don't get a vacation make my jaw clench. It is repulsive and speaks far beyond the subject matter. You are remarkable, Lauren. You deserve many, many amazing days. Thanks for sharing! 🫶🏻
the checklist that tells you rest is earned is one of the most quietly corrosive things we absorb. you named it so precisely. not the dramatic collapse but the slow accumulation of proving, over and over, that you deserve to stop.
the body purging old defenses when it finally feels safe is something I watch in sessions regularly. the nervous system doesn’t release until it believes the threat is actually over. what you described after you moved, the fatigue, the dental work, the illnesses, that is the body finally believing.
leaving the bed unmade so it knows it is waiting for you. Love that …
Thank you for sharing this so authentically with us Nate. Thank you for this safe space to come, ‘unmade’ and undone. I came here needing safety in the throes of ‘unsafe’. This is saying a lot, as I have felt unsafe most of my life. I highly value what I learn here. I am choosing trauma-informed spaces and people, authentic ones, as I move forward.
I'm so glad you ran! Best run ever is perfect phrasing. I'm so sorry you went through such hell, and for all of us that have been through hell too. I'm so glad you're here. Wishing you peace and so much love.
Your notes have been encouraging me for years, before I found you on substack (I found your notes on Pinterest and saved every one I could find). Thus encouraged, I finally, after years of trying so hard to be what they wanted and never ever managing, I broke free and cut communication and your notes again helped to keep me from going back, trying again, staying stuck. Now, when I feel the sense of being able to breathe and rest after so. much. stress, and I work toward healing, I think of the people who helped me, somehow, to get here. Thank you! Thank you so much for writing, for sharing, for encouraging. It means so much to me, and to many others. I'm forever grateful. I'm glad I found you years ago... your words gave me strength to have my best run ever. 🌟💚
This brought such a smile to me... I feel restored to do this, and read these stories like I did in the beginning when the online presence was so smaller. It feels real again, and this story makes my day! Thanks for being here and taking the time to share...❤️
Many years ago I had a long period where I was barely hanging on. I had a nervous breakdown and the life I knew no longer existed. It seemed everything that came my way was bad news. I did not sleep much, and I tried to find ways to numb myself all day—every day, waiting for a miracle to make it safe for me to find something new. During that time, I had one day in particular where I went and lay down on my bedroom floor but had to get up and turn the quiet, slowly rotating ceiling fan off because its movement felt too intense. What had happened? Why was my mind and body so weak?
During that time I remember thinking, "I can't be the only one who has gone through this?" And I made a deal with myself that if I ever got out of whatever that was, I was going to try and find the other people who know that pain.
Today, you are that person. And I want to promise you that whatever you are going through has answers. They might be complex and hard to believe (or reach) right now, but there are solutions.
I am dedicating today's writing to you. I hope you are reminded that there are people that know the mindfuckery that comes with healing.... We are cheering you on...
I hope you find one thing this week that is newly discovered that helps you... and then you start to build whatever path you can that welcomes healing... Sending loads of compassion, Elisa...🫶🏻
I just wrote this to myself the other day: Rest is not something I have to earn. I’m a human being who deserves the same amount of love and care that I give to others. Rest is a necessity, not a nuisance. My body needs radical rest. 💜
After 23 years of PTSD, I spent so much of my life trying to become someone who could finally earn peace. I thought if I just worked harder, healed harder, achieved more, or ticked enough boxes, my nervous system would eventually let me rest.
What finally changed was rebuilding my life authentically. EMDR removed the trauma, but it also forced me to ask a harder question: What kind of life does a peaceful nervous system actually need?
Wishing you continued peace, Nate. You can feel it in your writing.
Introvert here (INTJ if you're interested) who grew up wanting to sit still and quiet so I could think and dream. All I ever heard was how lazy I was and I shouldn't be sitting around doing nothing. I wish I thought of shouting "but there's a whole lot going in here" as I'd tap my temple. But helping at a parent was "rebellious and sinful." Still to this day I have a hard time resting.
Also, you've inspired me to NOT make my bed today.
I am learning I need rest. I just can’t keep going going going to distract myself. I am going to be 50 and I am coming to a lot of the realizations you mentioned. I am learning one day at a time and working towards peace.
I love reading your posts. My cousin was told he was “the spawn of Satan” by family and all manner of horrid things for being gay. The irony is that he is the kindest, most truly humane person in my family of origin. I had to distance myself from the hateful fundamentalist rhetoric. I don’t want to live in their world. It hurt my heart to listen to that sort of thing. They don’t exactly like women, either. Or people of ethnicities outside of their own. I could no longer remain silent to keep the peace in 2012 so I’m persona non grata. That’s fine. I’m at peace with it finally. I wish you all the best, Mr. Postlewait and sincerely appreciate the work you do to help others heal. It is important, meaningful work.
What you are describing about the fundamentals, in my experience, tends to be a packaged deal: Racist, misogynistic, homophobic, all while committing heinous crimes behind closed doors. The insanity in it... Thanks so much for sharing, Elizabeth. I hope your cousin is thriving...and you too! ❤️
❤️💕❤️
Oh Nate. I so enjoy your writing.
The visceral feeling it evokes. How it creates, in real time, a hint of a feeling of what it might be like to be you.
The comment that stuck out the biggest today was the answer to whether you ran from your community that you were raised in. And your answer that affirmed something like, “the best run.”
It struck me as poetic. So beautiful. And so achingly honest. Sometimes running from things is touted as bad when running is the wisest & most loving thing we could possibly do for ourselves.
I am glad you ran. I am glad I ran.
May our running continue to develop greater health, wellbeing & peace stitched into our very souls.
Yes, yes, yes.... greater health, wellbeing & peace...YES! 🫶🏻❤️
Dear Nate. Thank you for articulating what so many of us feel. I see you. I hear you. I recently realised that I have spent the last 9 years (9 years!!) coming to terms with childhood abuse and sexual assault, slowly peeling away and starting to heal the layers of my own cPTSD; and the 9 years before that untangling myself from the dysfunctional family web and moving away and starting to build my own life. I turned 54 yesterday. A part of me feels sad about all the “lost time”, especially in a profession where tenure matters. I sometimes feel angry about the huge amount of resources I have had to spend and invest in my own healing. Yet a part of me feels relieved that I am where I am now. That I no longer need to work and live with the weight of a ton of trauma bricks on my shoulders every day. Whilst some scars will always remain, the burden becomes lighter the more we heal. And easier to carry when there are people like you that bravely puts words to the challenges we face (and the strides we make). Thank you.
The way you speak can only come from a person who knows those dark layers of hanging on to something and trusting their own ability to heal. 54, but lifetimes of knowledge. Thank you, Shani for showing up here this way. For sharing this part of your story. I hope this year has peace at each step. Much deserved peace. 🫶🏻
Your comment really resonates with me. I had PTSD for 23 years - totally different reasons, but the anger at all the lost time is the same!
I lost my 20s and 30s to trauma, and while it has helped make me the person I am today and given me the opportunity to help others and discover my love of writing, I'm still bitter about it.
I also had to heal myself for most of that time.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your comment as it's very similar to how I feel too.
Six years of bracing teaches the body a posture. You describe opening the laptop at 3pm ready for Bible verses and projection, and I'd guess the muscles were set before the screen loaded. I've noticed in my own recovery from severe depression that kindness with no defence prepared for it hits harder than the attack ever did. There's a script for hate. You've run it hundreds of times, it's almost restful in its familiarity. Care arrives with no script at all, so the whole system has to stand down in real time, and standing down is expensive. Which is maybe why your body has been lagging since Thursday while your soul reports peace. A guard clocking off after six years is tired all at once, six years' worth in one weekend.
A guard clocking off... My god, that is it! Thanks for these insights, Jacob! 🫶🏻
This beautiful post touched me in so many directions. I kind of love how your friend said “are you running away from this?” And you said best damn run. I think I paraphrased. I so feel that. I ran too! Far from where the abusers live and to an unknown to me place in the south. Best run ever. Also- on the age thing- I was mentally freaking out when I was turning 60. There’s no f-Ing way I could be 60, and I had been grieving a life full of abuse in 30 yr marriage, and being the scapegoat in my family of origin. And so upon divorce the grief of losing so many of my “best” years hit. And I decided after I turned 61, no misery on that age… I mentally decided I am taking back those lost years of “youth” and I am now seeing myself just in my 50s, for as long as I want. I am taking the time back.
Last thing although I could go on- I was a SAHM, ex did not appreciate that and I literally found myself making lists daily to remind myself and see all the things that I did that were of value- raising 3 kids, all with particularly special needs socially and academically- I wrote lists daily to see on paper that what I did all day was valuable. My ex would say to me “you don’t get a vacation- you don’t work”. There’s that belief - that I don’t get to rest.
Now I have my own home and I get so tired every afternoon. I love your reminder here that maybe I’m just relaxed, and finally listening to my body say “you’ve done enough this morning. Take some down time”. I am allowed. 💗
I found myself nodding my head as I read. The ideas you have carried from others that you don't get a vacation make my jaw clench. It is repulsive and speaks far beyond the subject matter. You are remarkable, Lauren. You deserve many, many amazing days. Thanks for sharing! 🫶🏻
the checklist that tells you rest is earned is one of the most quietly corrosive things we absorb. you named it so precisely. not the dramatic collapse but the slow accumulation of proving, over and over, that you deserve to stop.
the body purging old defenses when it finally feels safe is something I watch in sessions regularly. the nervous system doesn’t release until it believes the threat is actually over. what you described after you moved, the fatigue, the dental work, the illnesses, that is the body finally believing.
leaving the bed unmade so it knows it is waiting for you. Love that …
🫶🏻
I'm glad you're here, too.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing this so authentically with us Nate. Thank you for this safe space to come, ‘unmade’ and undone. I came here needing safety in the throes of ‘unsafe’. This is saying a lot, as I have felt unsafe most of my life. I highly value what I learn here. I am choosing trauma-informed spaces and people, authentic ones, as I move forward.
It is an honor to have you here, Denise...truly! 🫶🏻
Nate,
I'm so glad you ran! Best run ever is perfect phrasing. I'm so sorry you went through such hell, and for all of us that have been through hell too. I'm so glad you're here. Wishing you peace and so much love.
Your notes have been encouraging me for years, before I found you on substack (I found your notes on Pinterest and saved every one I could find). Thus encouraged, I finally, after years of trying so hard to be what they wanted and never ever managing, I broke free and cut communication and your notes again helped to keep me from going back, trying again, staying stuck. Now, when I feel the sense of being able to breathe and rest after so. much. stress, and I work toward healing, I think of the people who helped me, somehow, to get here. Thank you! Thank you so much for writing, for sharing, for encouraging. It means so much to me, and to many others. I'm forever grateful. I'm glad I found you years ago... your words gave me strength to have my best run ever. 🌟💚
This brought such a smile to me... I feel restored to do this, and read these stories like I did in the beginning when the online presence was so smaller. It feels real again, and this story makes my day! Thanks for being here and taking the time to share...❤️
Wow, this resonates with me. Thank you Nate.
I hope this is a good week, Susan! 🫶🏻
Thank you Nate. Barely hanging on, so thank you for including me too.
Dear Elisa,
Many years ago I had a long period where I was barely hanging on. I had a nervous breakdown and the life I knew no longer existed. It seemed everything that came my way was bad news. I did not sleep much, and I tried to find ways to numb myself all day—every day, waiting for a miracle to make it safe for me to find something new. During that time, I had one day in particular where I went and lay down on my bedroom floor but had to get up and turn the quiet, slowly rotating ceiling fan off because its movement felt too intense. What had happened? Why was my mind and body so weak?
During that time I remember thinking, "I can't be the only one who has gone through this?" And I made a deal with myself that if I ever got out of whatever that was, I was going to try and find the other people who know that pain.
Today, you are that person. And I want to promise you that whatever you are going through has answers. They might be complex and hard to believe (or reach) right now, but there are solutions.
I am dedicating today's writing to you. I hope you are reminded that there are people that know the mindfuckery that comes with healing.... We are cheering you on...
I'm glad you're here.
Nate
Thank you Nate.
I am crying now, knowing that you are real, true and at this moment here with me.
What a beautiful soul, for in the deepest of your despair, make a decision to do good for others in pain.
The ongoing sinus and toothpain, finding no way out of an abusive situation because i have children to take care of,.. It has gotten me hopeless.
Yes i am reminded that i am not alone, and i will hang on and hopefully find a way to build a life i feel safe in .
I'm glad you're here, truly.
I hope you find one thing this week that is newly discovered that helps you... and then you start to build whatever path you can that welcomes healing... Sending loads of compassion, Elisa...🫶🏻
Nate❤️🫂🥲🕊️
I'm glad you're here, Yvonne...🫶🏻
I just wrote this to myself the other day: Rest is not something I have to earn. I’m a human being who deserves the same amount of love and care that I give to others. Rest is a necessity, not a nuisance. My body needs radical rest. 💜
After 23 years of PTSD, I spent so much of my life trying to become someone who could finally earn peace. I thought if I just worked harder, healed harder, achieved more, or ticked enough boxes, my nervous system would eventually let me rest.
What finally changed was rebuilding my life authentically. EMDR removed the trauma, but it also forced me to ask a harder question: What kind of life does a peaceful nervous system actually need?
Wishing you continued peace, Nate. You can feel it in your writing.
Introvert here (INTJ if you're interested) who grew up wanting to sit still and quiet so I could think and dream. All I ever heard was how lazy I was and I shouldn't be sitting around doing nothing. I wish I thought of shouting "but there's a whole lot going in here" as I'd tap my temple. But helping at a parent was "rebellious and sinful." Still to this day I have a hard time resting.
Also, you've inspired me to NOT make my bed today.
I am learning I need rest. I just can’t keep going going going to distract myself. I am going to be 50 and I am coming to a lot of the realizations you mentioned. I am learning one day at a time and working towards peace.