Path: Marseille, France (2018) By: Nate

Dear Nate:

I was born in 1985 into a family history of domestic violence. I didn’t have the language of trauma and abuse until 2018, but my world was full of it. It’s hard to know how I survived 33 years without a framework for where I came from and what symptoms I was experiencing. I didn’t always, but I do now have compassion for the parts of me that survived.

In 2020, I felt a resolve within me that I didn’t want to be in survival mode anymore; I wanted to learn how to live and thrive. I experienced EMDR from 2020-2021. For the last five years, I have been moving toward people, authors, and communities that are trauma informed. Around this time, I found your work on Instagram. Everything you post feels like you read my journal. I’m glad to have found this space.

I have not chosen total estrangement with my family (yet). However, I am close. For the last 15 years, I have pursued my parents and my siblings to have conversations about my childhood memories. I feel desperate for somebody within my family system to validate what I remember and how I feel. Each attempt hasn’t gone well and has resulted in me creating more relational distance.

Recently, my parents posted an article on social media about the selfishness of adult children who cut off their innocent parents. I pursued yet another conversation with them, which has resulted in back-and-forth emails containing answers to their questions like “What have we said and done to you that’s so bad?” I met with a therapist to develop a kind and clear email with the most truthful explanation that I’ve ever been able to say to them. The result? My parents say they now need boundaries with me because I’ve broken their heart. I’m not sure I’ll be able to continue like this for much longer.

My parents checked out of parenting me when I was in high school. They said I was too difficult. Is it any wonder I moved out completely while I was in college? Then after college I got married and created my own family. This situation naturally led to more distance. I see my family less than a handful of times a year. They are not a part of my life in significant ways. We see them for a holiday or two and whenever they decide to visit for my kids’ sports or activities. In truth, they add more stress than joy to my life.

For my parents not to acknowledge or try to understand the hurt in my past or in the present and to immediately jump to how I’ve now broken their heart and now they need boundaries with me feels childish and manipulative. I rarely feel that I’m having a conversation with an adult when I talk to them. It’s a painful kind of grief to have parents who are emotionally fragile and immature. They have always been present, but never really. I wonder if they ever will?

I feel the ever-present absence of a mother, father, sister, and brother. I have a strong abandoned part of me. It seems to follow me wherever I am, even with my own husband, kids, and my wonderful friends. There’s always an ache that tells me I am not valued. Sometimes the ache is quiet. Sometimes it’s loud.

My Questions:

When is it time to fully estrange?

Does the guilt of creating family boundaries ever go away?

I wonder if my parents will ever do their own work to get me back or if they’ll keep making this all my fault?

Thanks for your help.

-Hurting daughter.

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Dear Hurting Daughter,

As I read through your submission, I was reminded of how impressive so many survivors are in their ability to clearly map out their history through their words. Thanks for trusting me with the opportunity to speak to such vulnerability.

I want to share this thought process with you before answering your questions:

As you read my response below, keep in mind that you have a history that lives in your mind and body that you have written to me about. That history is real, but based on the fact that your family has shut down those conversations, as you read along, your body may sense different emotions, from fear to sadness to confusion, all because what you are talking about has been silenced.

A great practice for such situations is to ask, “What past version of me needs my validation most right now?” This allows you to remain conscious in the present while accepting that a part of you from your past is having their experience talked about in real time. They can’t control how they show up, but you can control how you give them space to be seen.

Compassion will not fail you here.