[

mood

|

hopeful

]

Took the dog to the dogpark today ( I can say dogpark around him because he has NO IDEA AT ALL what those words mean) He was timid at first, then he was Cheetah dog, then there was but sniffing, and bird chasing then timid again. After several full laps he went and sat by the gate we entered through and sat down. He was done. 30 minutes in.
OVERWHELMED.
Doggie Info Overload.
Poor thing.
He has to learn how to be a dog.

[

mood

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annoyed

]

So I sat down all ready to post a thing, a long thing full of words and thoughts and ideas. A non FB type thing.
What happens?
I find that a single sentence is all I can write. A status update. Not a paragraph. There are things in my head, things to be said and spoken and YELLED.
I'm used to one liners. I'm used to the easy one off and out.

I hate that.

[

mood

|

hopeful

]

I'm cutting my Friends list WAY back..
I plan to start posting again. Try to write again.
Per a conversation with 2 people.
if I cut you and for some reason you think you need to read what I have to say. Let me know.

[

mood

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apathetic

]

Well then, here I sit.
Avoiding doing anything. I should go do my dishes. I should go do my laundry. I should vacuum.
I should I should I should.
I likely won't.

I thought I had something to say, but it ended up being griping.

[

mood

|

okay

]

I woke up at 6 am on my own this morning. For no reason.

It was one of those mornings where you slowly return to consciousness and gradually become aware of your surroundings.

There was a snoring cat under one arm.
There was a silent cat in the small of my back.
A pillow under my head.
A pillow over my head.
A pillow under my knee.
The blankets were warm.
The room was a hazy blue.
My PJ's were all twisted up as though I'd slept fitfully, especially around my arms and the 3 buttons at the neck had come undone again.

I turned my head to see the blue numbers on the clock and focused in on the hour, "6:something something"

The floor was cold on my feet and the shock of the 64 degree air on my bare legs snapped me awake as I shuffled to the bathroom.

At this point realizing I was wide awake I decided that it was time to find the beloved flannel pajama pants, pink wool socks and extra long sweater and go make coffee.

You know you are up earlier than you should be when the dogs even have no interest in following you down stairs for food or a trip outside.

It was when I got down stairs I saw the snow. I love shopping and cleaning out my car in a blizzard.

[

mood

|

drained

]

Promise me that you will always remember
You are braver than you believe
Stronger than you seem
and
Smarter than you think.

i carry your heart with me

by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

[

mood

|

apathetic

]

So yet another notch in the bedpost of why this year blows.

I had to put Atticus to sleep yesterday. It was time and I knew it, but it still just stinks. It wasn't like with Putty where it was sudden and violent to see. He sent peacefully, SR is a sure shot with an IV catheter and JB was great at reinforcing my decision. It still blows.

I'm taking a short day at work to get some things done here at home and take it slow. I feel like I have been going at mach 10 for a long time and it's time to put on the brakes. I need to finish this class out and take time for me.
It's been a bloody long time since I did that.

"Atticus Finch is the same in his house as he is on the public streets." ~Scout Finch - about her Father~

[

mood

|

optimistic

]

I seem to be more smiley of late. It feels good to smile.

Even if things are kind of "off" and the light at the end of the tunnel seems a lot farther away than I'd like it to be I seem happier than I was 3 months ago, I'm certainly happier than I was 10 months ago and I'm likely far, far different than I was this time last June.

I have started laughing again, I laugh at home, I laugh in public, I probably laugh when it's not appropriate. I'm sure I laugh when it's not appropriate.
I have started to be told that I'm loud again.... yes I'm loud. I'm OK with that.
It's one of my charms?

I have a lot to do, but I don't feel so overwhelmed by it. It all almost seems manageable.
Now if only I had a million dollars.

I can feel me creeping back into me.
It's like a slow burn, it's there like an ember it just needs fanning to become a fire again.

[

mood

|

bouncy

]

So my mood has improved.
Don't know why.
Just has.

I'll take what I can get.

Boing.

[

mood

|

contemplative

]

You don't realize how many secrets you have until you start reading the Postsecret archives.
Then you worry about what is wrong in your head.

My secret is, I'm full of secrets and am afraid to tell anyone any of them.

[

mood

|

content

]

About halfway through yesterday I realized that the sense of relief was back.

Ain't feelings weird?
So, today I feel pretty good. Almost back to normalish.

Remember how life just goes on....? Here is where I realize that.

Who wants to go on with life with me?

By the way, the view out that open window is beautiful and I can see my house from here!

[

mood

|

contemplative

]

One day up, one day down, one day up, one day down.

Ladies and gentlemen please stay seated keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times and enjoy the ride.

Really, I do know this is what needs to happen. It just sucks.

Thank you all for the support.

Really, thank you.

[

mood

|

busy

]

"Love should be the opposite of death. It should be our biggest reason for wanting to be here. I mean, what else have we got? Football? Shoes? But, love gets complicated. It gets twisted up with other things like possession and heartbreak, lust and death.
George - Being Human

"We meet people and we fall in love, and when we part they leave marks on us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us, they define us for better or worse. Like a pinballs we slam into them and rebound in a different direction propelled by the contact. And after the parting we might be scarred but stronger or more fragile or needy or angry or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger inside of us like ghosts haunting the corridors and deserted rooms. Sometimes whispering and sometimes screaming. Invisible but always there waiting."
George - Being Human.

[

mood

|

bouncy

]

I wake up early now, I didn't used to. I I wake up before 8am on a regular basis regardless of what time I went to bed.

I seem to be very happy lately.
I know maybe I shouldn't be as things are all kittywompus, but I'm really happy.

I have a basic idea of a plan for moving, it's a long long way off and it's a work in progress but I think this will all fall into place just like it needs to.

I'm going to need help from friends and a family member or 2 - but ya know I see this all as a good thing for me and I'm just really happy.

Now I just have to write this class and lecture.

[

mood

|

good

]

Retriever alarm clock went off at 7:15 am.
I went to bed at like 2 am... it's my day off and I wanted to sleep in. Thanks dog.

Today will be mundane - as pre-approved by the body parts I over stretched in yoga (read everything). I have muscles that hurt that I didn't remember existed A person can only stand in Goddess Squat for so long before your knees, inner things and hips have angry feelings.

Oooh list of chores quit staring at me from your spot on the ottoman!

[

mood

|

confused

]

I was going to wear heels today and then I put them on and thought... "Oh no no no no"..

Who or What have I become?

[

mood

|

sad

]

So, I made mention of missing Putty in that last post.

I should explain.

Putty died in April - about the 23rd I think- Go figure Putty was a conspiracy theorist and he didn't even know it.

He was only 6, he had no health issues that we knew of , and well, if anyone were to know it would have been us.

What happened is this-

I was sitting in my chair and Kris was on the couch we were getting ready to go somewhere, I heard a thud and a thump and saw him stumble out of the litter box and into the doorway of the library. He fell over and began to seizure. I ran across the room and Kris asked if it was Neuman - the diabetic - a logical assumption.He then ran ran to the kitchen -I presume to get valium - which of course we don't have. I ran to the car and by that point he'd gone limp, blue and agonal and I had to start CPR on the concrete in my driveway.

We only made it about 5 blocks before Kris and I decided it was a forgone conclusion that he was gone and there was nothing we ( or anyone else ) could do.

This took a grand total of maybe 2 minutes.
It seemed like 20.

I have never felt more useless as a pet owner, or a technician in my life.
I know full well there was nothing I could have done - even if I had been at work - he threw a clot to his brain and he went very quickly and was unaware of what had happened. He was pain free and I couldn't have asked for anything better.
But I will never doubt again when someone says that their cat was seizing for 5 minutes. Because that 30 second seizure seemed like 5 minutes while I was holding him.

So, Putty the suicidal kitty that licked outlets and went down the laundry shoot, Putty the Brave that defended me from the streaming pile of laundry that the dogs wouldn't face, Putty that licked the gel out of Kris' hair, Putty that met me at the back door every night, Putty that did not discriminate between dog and cat toys.... You are greatly missed.




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