Marian's Musings

Oh yeah, a year ago I wrote some smut.

2016-11-16T05:55:28Z

Half asleep, I feel you curl up behind me and then feel your hand on my back lightly caressing me over the top of my nightie. You inch closer to me until we’re spooned together, small bit of space between our bodies. Your hand travels down to the top of my thigh, hitting bare flesh. Then fingers grip my hip slightly as you lean against me, then back off again. I’m facing the wall, keeping silent – trying to determine what moves you’ll make next as I move, to back up against you, my ass pressed against your cock which I can feel getting harder through the fabric of your pajama pants. Now that I’m lying against you, my back against your chest, your right arm circled under me and your left hand still moving over my hip and thigh, you pull my panties down over my ass so it’s barely exposed then slide your hand between my thighs, fingers exploring me from behind. Intake of breath from me as you slide your fingers inside of me – me, instantly soaking them.

You pull your hard cock out between the opening in your pjs and press against my cunt, between my legs from that angle. I bend one leg up slightly to give access, my panties still only pulled down ‘just enough’. You thrust into me, hand on my hip now holding me to you while your right hand finds the way to my face, covering my mouth just a bit, my moans against the palm of your hand. I try not to get off too quick, so I take mental pictures of what I’m feeling – you moving inside of me, steady at first then quicker. The feel of your flannel pj pants against my ass cheeks as I grind back against you; knowing the only flesh exposed on you is what’s buried deep inside of me… the image of that mixed with my panties only being pulled down – the clothed but fucking visual is such a turn on…

As you fuck me with more intensity – I brace myself against the wall so you can pound harder – and as you start to cum, your hand reaches around my throat and grasps, firmly – pushing me over the edge as well. As your cock remains in my cunt, your left hand returns to my thigh to stroke across my skin; right hand that was around my throat is now twisted in my hair, and with every little pull and tug of my hair you get another twitch and spasm from my cunt contracting around you as you’re coming down from the rush.

You pull out of and away from me, disregard the mess between us and put yourself back in your pjs. I pull up my panties and roll to face you and kiss you, feeling the warmth of said mess spreading over the crotch of my panties as we’re making out some. Good morning, I say. Good morning indeed.

Spirit Day

2010-10-03T17:16:22Z

Originally posted by neo_prodigy at Spirit Day

It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.

Muffins for Mom - for really, really, pissed off Moms.

2010-05-04T14:13:20Z

Muffins for Mom was going on this morning at the kid's school. Jamieson had stayed over at Gramma's and she would take him in, and I would be taken Sarah. Get up; get ready - no worries. We get to the school at 7:35am find a parking spot on the back row and go in. We meet up with Jamie and Gramma and have some breakfast of pancakes and fruit and of course, muffins. All is well.

Until I need to leave to head to work. I leave the building and head out to the parking lot and stop. "Oh no fucking way?!". A WHOLE ROW of cars decided since the parking lot was full, to line up behind all of us on the back row, blocking in about 15 cars. Including mine. Not only is this ridiculous but it also makes for a very tight squeeze for those people trying to drive through the lot just for dropping off their kids.

I go to the office, I let them know the situation; they are all "um, what should we do?!" How about make an announcement that if you have double parked your vehicle you need to move it because 1. it's parked illegally and 2. it has blocked in around 15 others that need to leave; eventually - or like myself NOW, for work. "Oh, yeah we can do that".

Meantime a couple people have left, including a space behind my car but not a large enough space as one other cars rear-end is still blocking me. I could have *tried* to wiggle out but in my already pissed off state of "what the fuck is wrong with people" - I couldn't be sure I'd not accidentally on purpose break off their rear light and rip off their bumper. So I waited. And in that time; three or four other cars tried to park in the open spot.

Person 1. - "I can't park here?"
Me - "No, these people are double parked, blocking others, they aren't parking spots"
Person 1. - "you expect me to drive around?"
Me - "No, you can park across the road on the street, it's legal"
Person 1. - "it's hot outside, you expect me to walk across the road?"
Me - rolling my eyes at them - "Yes, because they've already announced inside for these other people to move their cars out of the way as well".
Person 1. - "I didn't hear it"
Me - staring at them like they have bugs crawling out of their noses - "are you INSIDE right now in order to be able to hear the announcement".
Person 1. - "oh I guess that makes sense" [ they drive on ]

Person 2. - "I can't park here, can I?"
Me - "No, these people are being asked to move their cars as well"
Person 2. - "how come you're parked here?"
Me - "I'm parked THERE [pointing to my blocked in car], waiting for these people to move"
Person 2. - "oh, sucks to be you"

Person 3. starts pulling in to that empty spot, I stand in front of them
Me - "you can't park here, people are trying to get out"
Person 3. - "what about all these other cars?"
Me - "these other people, are obviously idiots that care nothing about others needs but their own and therefore thought nothing of blocking in a whole row of cars, I'd say".
Person 3. - "are you calling me an idiot?"
Me - "are you intending to still park here?" [ they huff, then drive on ]

So I'm waiting and waiting and finally half an hour later the owner of the car in front of the one directly blocking me comes out. Unlocks her car, notices I'm glaring at her with hatred blazing as strong as bright as a supernova - looks at me and without even apologizing, says - rather snottily actually - "just get in your car, my sister is coming [nodding at the car behind her, that is the one blocking me], we'll be out of your way in a moment".

Um. Just get in my car? Seriously? So here's the dialogue that ensued. She will be labeled SB for Stupid Bitch. Her sister will be SBS for Stupid Bitch's Sister, and me, I'm just ME.

ME - "Look, I have a job to get to, you should have thought about blocking people in and inconveniencing everyone but yourself - which I'm sure you don't quite understand, considering you're driving an over priced Caddie with a license plate that reads IKNWUCIT [I know you see it]. See what exactly; that you're an Entitlement Bitch?"

SB - "Everyone is double parked, what can you do about it?"

ME - "I can have Officer Jamieson [my kids adoptive Uncle] come out here and with his over 14 years as a CharMeck traffic police, explain to you that just because everyone else is doing it still doesn't make it LEGAL"

SB - "I think you need to just relax, we'll be out of your way, we have jobs too"

ME - "I'm glad to know that even with your obvious limited mental capability you can hold a job, but the fact remains that MY job that I need to get to starts before yours, as I'm going to be late due to your superiority complex and your idiocy and disregard of others that is pushed aside for the needs of your own."

By now the sister comes up

SBS - "She giving you crap because we parked here?" [talking to SB of course] "Everyone else was doing it"

ME - "Okay seriously are we TWO fucking years old and if Little Susie jumps off the Empire State Building it's okay because she did it too?! Holy hell you bitches are ignorant."

SB - "Yeah she thinks cuz she knows the law she is the law, wait, did you just call me a bitch?"

ME - [ignoring her question] "Well how about this; how about I take pictures of your cars, and post them to You Park Like An Asshole. They don't bother to cover license plates there, so I'll make sure to get it in the shot nice and clear."

SB - "What? You said you would hit her car backing out"?

ME - looking puzzled - "Can you not hear, as well as not park? - I said I'd TAKE PICTURES of your car, not HIT YOUR SISTER'S car"

SB - "You can't take pictures without permission, that's illegal"

ME - "Um, no, not *really* - however double parking IS definitely illegal so go ahead and call someone while I get my camera out - make sure you let them know you're calling because you're a stupid cunt that blocked someone in by illegally double parking and now they're upset because you made them half hour late and are continuing to be a cunt-rag by arguing schematics instead of, I don't know, just MOVING YOUR FUCKING CAR".

SBS - "You better not hit my car!"

ME - "I never said I would, why would I damage my own car by hitting your piece of shit?" [the sister did not have a Cadillac, she had some Ford something or other] "and even if I did, then what, you gonna take your earrings off and throw your purse down on the ground in a fit of rage and act of defiance? Cuz really, I'll bring it and you will not win"

By this time the principal comes over and looks at the situation, looks at me and smiles and say "You're Jamie's mom! I say "And Sarah, I have TWO kids that come here actually". She looks at the sisters of doom who are scowling and says "next time, don't park like this, it's illegal and we can have you towed, I'll make sure to add that to the announcements that going forward if the parking lot is full you either need to go to run-off by the buses, or park on the street across the road". They both shot me looks of "oh for fucks sake" and got in their cars and left.

Principal turns to me and asks "what can I do to make this better". I said, well at the risk of sounding rude, and irate, and I apologize for that - please allow me to leave as I'm already late for work due to their ignorance and superiority complexes. She said she knew the one, but not the other and will be addressing them and the situation so this doesn't happen in the future. She smiled and said, "look at the bright side, perhaps in their delaying you - it saved you from an auto accident or something. Think of the positive!"

I said "okay - I positively hope their delaying ME makes them RUSH to their "jobs" [and yes I did the finger quotes in the air] and they cause their own accidents. Bad Karma - sure, but I'm due some to even out so I can wish ill on someone. Besides, they'd probably deserve it." She laughed at that. Said "no doubt". Apologized for keeping me any further. And I left.

Seriously people.

I don't care who you are, what you drive, what you make a year, who you know, what you do, and how you interact with other people in your lives personally. But if you can not adhere to basic common courtesy and give respect where you obviously feel you have "earned" respect. You can not expect me to be civil to you. Ever. I act out. I will act out. I will not just sit back and allow you your Grand Delusion of Entitlement.

Seriously.

*Edit: Post made public by request - feel free to share link.

Pumpkin' Sausage Soup Recipe - now with images!

2009-11-04T04:34:02Z

Since I worked from home today I decided to crock up a batch of Pumpkin Sausage soup. Here be the recipe - you don't have to use a crock pot, you can use a soup pot or any other - I prefer the crock because I like to have it simmer all day.

RECIPE: Serves 6

Ingredients

*1 (12 ounce) package Jimmy Dean sausage
* 1/2 cup onion, minced
* 1 garlic clove, minced
* 1 tablespoon Italian seasoning [I use basil, oregano, parsley]
* 1-2 cup fresh mushrooms, chopped [I keep them sliced]
* 1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin [I use Libby's]
* 4 cups chicken broth
* 1/2 cup heavy cream
* 1/2 cup water

NOTE: I prefer a sweet/savory soup so I use pumpkin pie filling / if you want a more earthy, veggie blend - use pumpkin puree

Directions

1. Brown sausage, drain, then add the onion, garlic, Italian seasoning and mushrooms and sauté until done.
2. Add pumpkin to this mixture and mix well.
3. Then stir in the broth and mix well.
4. Simmer 20-30 minutes.
5. Stir in the heavy cream and water and simmer on low another 10-15 minute Taste and add salt & pepper as needed.

I actually mix the heavy cream in after I put the pumpkin in because I like to make sure it gets blended real well - and as mentioned, after it simmers I then pour it into the crock so it can continue to simmer and blend for another four hours.

It's so very nom...

A simple little random poll before I try to get some sleep...

2008-04-23T04:09:23Z

View Poll: What do you want right now?

All answers - read by only me. Express yourself! Hell I'm even going to leave it public for a while so your bored friends can tell me, a complete (well to mostly), stranger to them - what they want.

As for me - I really want peace of mind right now.
And cake. I need peace of mind, and this cake.
Peace of mind, this cake...
And this thermos.

This Is The Life ~ Introspective Rambling by msanborn

2007-11-20T20:36:47Z

This Is The Life!

I was sitting at the gate area in the Detroit airport waiting to board for New Orleans and was people watching. I glance down at the duffel bag belonging to this mid-fifties (I'm guesstimating) woman as she is also looking around; people watching. On her bag, the statement embroidered with the message that was multi-colored and prominent - "This Is The Life!"

It got me thinking. I started mind-playing, putting emphasis on each of the four words. The gate-keeper called our flight to board so I quickly text messaged my email with a reminder to pick up this thought pattern when I was able to actually focus. Now is that time.

This Is The Life:

THIS one is; your current life I'm referring to. Sure some of us believe there have been past lives, and there will most likely be lives after this one. I'm not getting into a debate about beliefs. I'm focusing on the fact that THIS life; is the one you and I are living right now. Are you happy? Are you healthy? Are you doing the things in life that you want to be doing even if it's along side of the things you *need to* be doing? Are you the kind of person that you admire. Are you the person you want others to see, not just out in public, but when you're home alone - are you still that same person?

This Is The Life:

Well isn't it? Do you have another? Sure it seems like some of us live dual lives; but it really is just different sides to the life we're in. At the end of the day, you still have to answer to yourself in this life. With that in mind, put that idea in thought. This IS the life you have - If it's not the life you want it to be, why aren't you doing something to make it so? I mean - it IS the only life you're consciously aware of that you're going to have (again - all beliefs of other aspects, put aside), this is the life that deserves your best effort - the one you're currently living.

This Is The Life:

What in life inspires you, makes you smile, matters to you? Those would be the things in life. You can make it the life you want it to be; if you knew what you wanted. How can you know what you want? People change all of the time. Start with the basics. Make yourself, the part of life that needs to be the center. And I don't mean that in a shallow "all about me" sense. I mean if you want to be kind, giving, loving, smart, sane, wealthy in friends, family, or funds... - be the core of all that you want, by being positive, understand you have just as much right and free will as any of us. Be at peace, you'd be surprised at what comes to you then sometimes with ease, but most times with the simple effort of just self-will, desire, and determination. It's not given to you; you see - you have to find it. Earn it. Grasp it. And most importantly - Respect it. There's something in that whole "Life is what you make of it" philosophy.

This Is The Life:

Life - if you're reading this, obviously you were given (a) life. Or some weird re-animation formula from Herbert West. You were given life and life is a gift - how are you treating it? This gift. Some of us are parents, and we've given life to another or others. Some biologically or some by adoption - either way, we gave someone the opportunity for a life - is it going to be a good life? Are you showing by example how wonderful life can be even in the midsts of things that aren't so wonderful? Are you being in Life; how you want to be remembered after you're gone? Some of us have saved others' lives in one way or another - how are they living the lives you helped prolong; are you someone they trust, look up to, are you being true to a life that you valued in someone else; by valuing your own?

This Is The Life:

More importantly - this is YOUR life... what are you doing with it to make it the best life you can have?

*made public by request

50 Ways Women Screw Up Sex for Men

2007-04-04T18:17:02Z

Taken from jimmyjuice and then ... I added my own 2 cents (mostly from an "if I were a slut" point of view for sake of humor).

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

My input: Most men are walking, raging hard-ons. If they lose an erection while in my presence then either they aren't that interested in the first place, they're really gay (which isn't a bad thing - J.S.), or I haven't showered since the last walking, raging hard-on I've encountered.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation.

My input: Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner - anywhere, is just hot. I prefer passionate kissing over tentative kissing. Don't be afraid to be forceful - just don't choke me with your tongue - because I'll bite it off and spit it at your feet. There's passionate aggression and then there's just force entry. Save the forced entry for my girlie bits when I fake "resistance".

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

My input: Men should never be responsible for a woman's orgasm. Men can't even be trusted to take out the trash or put the lid back down on the toilet seat. Finger out your triggers and use that cock for the dildo replacement space filler you know it's there for! I mean it's really the only time you don't need batteries and you can use both of your hands because one isn't holding a device of some sort.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

My input: What women are these? You can cuddle me after you grab me some towels to clean up your spill, sorry you couldn't wait until you got the condom on and actually had the sex FIRST for that... next time, no buildup for you!

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

My input: When I want to sleep; I want to sleep - ever think that the snuggling after would be so I could grind my ass up against you to entice you for more? What are you? Some minute-man one-shot kind of guy or what? But hey, if you want to take your ass right on to sleep; take your ass right on out to the sofa. Will mean we both get a good nights rest because then I won't hear you snoring and farting all night.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

My input: You mean you don't expect us to act like a pornstar all of the time? Fine, saves me some money on those pole-dancing aerobic workout sessions at the gym along with the books on "how to deep-throat without gagging". I'll use the savings to get myself some roses.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

My input: Confused, if I'm being selfish in bed - how is that about YOU in the first place? Cuz you're right, it's not about you; it's about mutual orgasms if we're lucky - so we should both be selfish until we both get whats coming to us.

8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

My input: As do those other random magazines that say perfect women should look like those in Maxim, FHM, Playboy...

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

My input: I'll pay attention if you do. Don't expect me to bob enthusiastically on you if you've neglected to shower that day; ball-sweat is not an alluring scent to get me to want to go back DOWN from the UP position - so if all I'm doing is twirling my tongue around the head of your cock and I'm not feasting on you like a starving sumu at a weiner eating contest - maybe use more soap next time. Trust me, I know how to suck cock - yours was not the first one in my mouth.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

My input: It is if you haven't impressed me in the foreplay department and now I'm just there for the follow-thru so you'll get on with it and shake your ass on home.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

My input: I realize that the thought of finally getting some does throw a man off his mark. But if I have to undress me, undress YOU, instruct, direct, appease, be this, be that - fuck it - by now I might as well just grab that vibe - it doesn't talk back and whine about having to remove some clothing at least.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

My input: Some men, like some women - prefer the natural look and feel. Before we were all mainstreamed by the porn industry to all look like shaved down plastic versions of a human. I'm anatomically correct, Barbie - was not. Sure she was bald; but where are you going to stick your dick. Tell you what - be glad you're even being allowed to see the forest, for the trees.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

My input: See above. As long as my cunt hair doesn't wrap around to my ass hole so much it can serve as a shit strainer - deal with it. I'm clean, I bathe, and you're not going to lose a limb by some wayward pubes. It's short enough you won't poke an eye out and no you can't floss with it - so it's fine. And if you don't want to go down on me because I'm not BALD down there, guess what - I'm not going to suck your cock because you're a puss about some hair that naturally grows there in the first place.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

My input: Thank GOD because really, I'd prefer to have a relationship with an adult. One that can call his cock his COCK and my cunt a CUNT - not some hoo hoo dilly, cha cha shit - that sounds too much like a new country line dance if you ask me. Damned baby babble. Be a MAN.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

My input: I agree, blood shouldn't stop oral sex. NOR should it stop FUCKING. Last I checked; we're all washable - lay a towel down and get with the program. If my blood grosses you out, guess what - try swallowing the globs of swimmers you want to force down my throat before you continue bitching.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

My input: This goes for you as well. If I'm pleasing you - don't just look down on me with those doe eyes and "omg I can't believe I'm all up in here" look on your face. Verbalize - this is probably the only time and place I'm going to let you call me your whore without smacking you in the face for it; go for it.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

My input: Men that are not prepared to have sex, are men that are never expecting to GET sex. Sure I can understand sometimes not having them on hand in need and I do agree that sexually active women should have their own stash. But don't call us a whore because we do. Or else I won't show you why I have the stash of them in the first place. Being prepared = smart, not slut.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

My input: And the same rule applies - when I call you some other guys name - be flattered that you're giving it to me at least half as good as the guy you were all so intimidated about in the first place. See, you had no reason to be worried after all.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

My input: Perhaps - but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it out in the living room in front of your friends just because it's Superbowl Sunday and you have money on the game. And giving you head while in a Haunted House, never a good idea I don't care how bad you want it - I have reflexes dammit and I scare easily.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

My input: 20 minutes? You think you're all that do you? Let's get past the first 10 before you decided that 20 is a "quickie" for you first. That's the readjustment of thought that needs to happen here.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

My input: Fine but when I clench up my ass muscles and rip your dick off - don't say I didn't warn you. No means NO I don't care how much nervous giggling is involved - fucktard.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

My input: This goes along with you asking us to undress YOU. Why expect us to do for you what you're now saying you refuse to do for us? I'll handle my own bra - I realize that most men fake product knowledge and mechanics much like women fake orgasms and enthusiasm. Just get naked and hope for the best, okay? And PS - why are you putting on a bra almost every day? See I just don't think a woman wrote this list of 50.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

My input: Ever think we're avoiding looking at your man bits and hairy back? I mean how much would my laughing at your tiny cock be a turn on for you.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

My input: Maybe your man-bit is too short to give a firm seating position upon?

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

My input: Well, maybe it is that we are in fact - bored. More effort on your part might invoke more animation on ours.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

My input: If I'm going to do all that; I don't need you there to watch - I'm sure I've mastered the art of self-touching long before I needed sex to be an audience participation sport. Why should his "job" be easier? Like men don't get off easy enough?

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

My input: See 26.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

My input: I thought I'd be a tease; and lookie - it worked! Sucker.

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

My input: If you want control; then stop asking me to do all the work already! No wonder we're all confused and psychotic - make up our minds for us already!

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

My input: See 29.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

My input: We know where the brain is; that is all.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

My input: See 31. - and p.s. - trust us, piss us off and see how fast we remember where your balls are located.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

My input: You've got two hands and if you're worried about her bailing because she doesn't want to deal with a mess; cum on her sheets - or on her *shrug* personally, if I've left you hanging - it's because I've lost interest, not because I'm worried about a little spill.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

My input: Fine, I don't want to hear any complaints when I strap on a dildo and tell you to bend over - because really, just enjoy yourself.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

My input: And when I bite you back - and scratch my nails down your skin - don't wince like a little bitch who just fell down and skinned her knee.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

My input: Finally - one I agree with.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

My input: Ooo Another I agree with - are we on a roll?

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

My input: I won't pitch a fit, just don't give me "that look" when I suggest the third person in our three some is named Chris, and his dick is bigger than yours.

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

My input: Shut up and be glad your dick is in my mouth before I bite you.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

My input: See 35.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

My input: The entire point of sex is getting your jizz on me? Well thanks for clearing that up. Now hold still while I get Chris to jizz on you, since we're all about skin care at the moment.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

My input: See 18.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

My input: Women fake orgasms, men fake whole relationships - nature of the business. Be glad I'm at least giving you something to do while I pretend I'm having an orgasm while counting down the moments in my mind until you leave and I can finish off what you couldn't get me to achieve.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

My input: Keep this in mind for yourself as well, ball-sweat-boy.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

My input: See 21.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

My input: Don't bitch when I pull out the latex sheets then about how you stick to it when you've not powdered up first.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

My input: Sure, as long as you refrain from farting, picking your nose, scratching your ass.. all the things you do before YOU prepare for bed.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

My input: Don't mind me if I scoot over and let you sleep in your own cold, sticky, globs of goo then. In fact, I insist.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

My input: I'll make a big deal out of it - what are you in my bed for in the first place? How would you feel about half a blow job? Find your happy place and let's continue; stop being a pussy about losing your erection and if you can't maintain - what you can't do with your pisser - you can do with your kisser, start licking.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

My input: I know what it means; it means we had sex - and if it wasn't good for me, that means it won't happen again for you. Be glad I didn't just ask you to shake your ass on home.

Excuse any typos - I'm at work... and didn't bother spell-checking.

*addendum* because it was asked of me - no I do not hate men. I have a sense of humor is all. And yes, I'll make it public so you can link your friends over so they can get the giggles as well.

The Purina Diet

2007-01-24T15:47:37Z

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Comment To Be Added

2006-05-23T20:33:50Z