Mister J

To the three people on here:

mr_j — Thu, 24 Oct 2013 16:40:37 GMT

I finished my 1st draft of my kids' book and I am looking for pre-readers. It's 2.5 typed pages. Anyone interested or know of anyone?

Anything A Man Can do...

mr_j — Fri, 02 Aug 2013 11:25:21 GMT

A woman, who just happened to be a gynecologist, took an automotive shop class because she was determined not to get ripped off by her mechanic for "being a woman". She enrolled and classes began. The weeks went by and she learned quite a bit about intake valves, timing belts, etc.
Then it was final exam time. The teacher told the class, "Your final will be to remove the carburetor from the engine, tear it apart, and then rebuild it." The woman worked frantically and finished before any of the men did. When the teacher graded everyone she got 150 and the men only got 100.
She confronted the teacher and demanded to know why she got 50 points higher. "I hope you didn't give me extra points just because I'm a woman. I don't need to be patronized!"
"Ma'am, I graded you the same as the others. You got 50 for tearing down the carburetor, 50 points for rebuilding it to a working condition and install."
"Well, where did the other 50 come from?"
"I gave you an extra 50 because you did it all through the tail pipe."

Shirts

mr_j — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 02:10:54 GMT

I saw two shirts I really want to get ~~myself~~ Jeffrey.

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mr_j — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 23:01:49 GMT

KILL WHITEY!

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My Bum is on the Cheese

mr_j — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 03:42:38 GMT

There. I got the Tom Green reference out I can continue with this post.

Where to begin? Baby on the way and she's almost here. My church went through a rough patch and some people left, but now I have a sense of hope when I walk through the doors. God has put us in a position to grow; not only in numbers, but Spiritually as well. We will now have to move out of our comfort zones and be ready in whatever task is set before us.

I know I kind of glossed over the baby part, but I'm not the one who has to carry her around. I don't feel quite qualified to go into great detail. All I can say is that I'm excited and I hope I will be a good father to Clare as well. My wife does all the hard work, and she's been phenomenal during this pregnancy. I have noticed that I don't talk to Clare like I talked to Jeffrey. I hope it's just the 2nd child thing, where it's not new and you get complacent with kid #2 and so on.

I have another new supervisor at work. She's surprisingly good at her job. I've always classified her a crazy and I used to say I'd rather not work with her, but she's really good. I say she's crazy because on her desk there are several picture of her dog, a yorkie I believe, but there are no pictures of friends, family, boyfriends, anything! Plus she's attractive, never married, in her forties and still single. That usually adds up to two things: crazy or lesbian. Perhaps a crazy lesbian. It's the crazy part I was worried about, that and her being solely focused on her career. I usually do not trust anyone without a life outside of the warehouse. She's better than the boss I had before, and one of the four I had last year.
I am, however still stuck on nights.

Now we come to the part that references the subject line. If you remember the bum bum song you'll remember the line that rhymes with that is, "if I get lucky, I'll get a disease." I got luck and ironically it's somewhat related to my bum. Last month I got really sick after church. I started having real bad abdominal pains, chills, fever, weakness and I had no energy. I stuck it out and went to work the next day, but I fell asleep at my desk a few times and I had to stop and hold my stomach because of the pain. If you don't know me very well, me showing pain is a rare thing. I'm usually very stoic about it. When I got home I couldn't sleep and kellsta and I stayed up late and watched TV. By this time I had gained some energy, but lost my dinner. I started have "tummy problems" and my pains were still occurring and with greater intensity. Kelli turns to me and asks if I need to go to the ER and I say yes. Once my mom got here to watch the wee one, we were off the the hospital. I charmed the triage nurses, peed in a cup, got a CAT scan, wore an embarrassing gown, rode in wheel chairs, got an IV. I got the deluxe package. I also got some morphine, which made it hard to think and my brain couldn't function properly (or as close to properly as I get). To make matters worse my doctor was Indian (dots not feathers) and I could barely understand him sober; but on morphine my brain can't fill in the blanks, so I just agreed to whatever he said and asked my wife what I just agreed to. At first he thought I had diverticulitis, which I had a Holy Diver parody of in the works as soon as it came out of his mouth. After reviewing the CT, the doc diagnosed me with colitis, an infection of the colon. I was treated with drugs and released to go home. When we got home both mine and Kelli's moms were at the house. My MIL went to go get my meds, Kelli went to beds, and I sat in the ~~cheds~~ er chair. I recounted my tale to my mother, including the part where the CT tech asked me how I was doing, to which my mental response was, "I'm seeing you at work, what does that tell you, Dick Tracy". I had breakfast and waited for Jeffrey to get up. After Mimi left with Jeffrey I went to sleep for hours. I was back at work the next day and they sent me home because my pain pill was a narcotic. A week later I went to see my primary care physician, or as my call them in the south, my doctor, for a follow-up on the colitis and for the spot they found on my lung during the CAT scan. She seemed unconcerned about the spot and she referred me to a GI specialist. I went to see him and now I will have a camera shoved up my fundament in the near future. I am making a list of jokes to make once I come out from under anesthesia. Or is it "anus-tesia" *guffaw*. So please write back with your one-liners and wise-cracks (see what I did there?) and I will try to get them all in.

And no, the irony of a purveyor of scatological humor such as myself developing a colonic illness is not lost on me.

mr_j — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 23:15:28 GMT

To quote Megatron, "I still function."

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mr_j — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 15:15:29 GMT

Yes, I am still alive.

Stay on the Scene

mr_j — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 20:45:42 GMT

Like a sex machine.

That is all.

Sandusky Blues

mr_j — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 04:23:39 GMT

I'm not talking about Ohio; I'm talking about the coach from Penn State.

It's funny that I write this now since I've been holding Jeffrey for the past twenty minutes. Now I don't have all the facts in the case and my timeline might be messed up but I felt like weighing in on this subject.

I love sports and I like winning and I believe in taking care of your people. What I don't like is winning at any cost, acting like a prima donna, and covering up serious allegations. From what I've gathered from 1994 until 2009 Jerry Sandusky sexually abused around 40 young boys, some happening during his tenure at Penn State and some after; but most (if not all) happened on campus. The victims either kept quiet for a long time or their reports weren't acknowledged and this continued to happen. The transgressions finally came to light and now victims are coming out of the woodwork.

As a former youth football player I understand that there is a trust built around teams and locker rooms. There's also a closeness that resides amongst teams. I also under how precious children are and that their innocence is to be cherished and protected. Jerry Sandusky violated that trust and stole that innocence. Yes, I do believe he is guilty and I also support a very stiff penalty for sex offenders: castration.

The thing that really bothers me is everything else around the case. The inaction of the coaching staff and the administration, the protesting students defending the staff, and the rest of the media circus.

It seems to me that once the first accusation was brought forth the staff should have suspended Sandusky, conducted an inquiry, and perhaps GONE TO THE POLICE!!!!!!! If we as a society didn't exalt athletes as gods and put winning at any cost above taking care of each other, then perhaps this would never have happened. If we didn't guilt victims rather than the accused, perhaps this could have been stopped.

I've gotten flustered and can no longer express myself in coherrent thoughts. Here endeth the rant.

GMX v3.0.1

mr_j — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 06:42:49 GMT

I the Jason, order to form a more coherent thought took notes on my first con, or convention. Most of you were there!

As I write this, I must say that I will be coming from different perspectives throughout the post; sometimes all at once! First and foremost I am a man, then I am a husband and father, and I am also a self proclaimed geek. I also live a fairly normal life and am mostly conservative in my viewpoints. I try to keep an open mind, but somethings just don't jive with me. And yes, I am black enough to use that term.

No offense to mellymell, but I hate Nashville for some very basic reasons: I hate country music, they stole our NFL team and then was all condescending about it, and also they have a batman building and all we have is a crappy pyramid about to fall into the Mississippi river at any moment. However I was willing to suck it up and drive there just to attend this event for a day. N-town has gained some cool points on the Mr J scale of coolness. It ranks above Knoxville and just below toe jam now.
**************************************************************************************************************

General Musings: The hotel was really easy to find, even though a parking spot wasn't. The restaurant we went to was good. They really needed more changing tables in the men's rooms. The registration booth was too close to the front door.
***************************************************************************************************************

The Nitty Gritty
Once I hiked up the hill and sauntered into the lobby to find my wife and son I was ready to sit down and rest. I rested for all of 0.025 seconds and then off to the 10th floor. This is not code for anything, I meant the actual 10th floor. I was more than happy to sit down and watch amaz0n_princess play in the chess match, but I was soon drafted to be her pawn. Then was drafted again to be a pawn for the other side. We both died quickly, so we had that going for us. I was under the distinct impression that if I had known how to play chess I would have been seriously ticked off at the two yahoos calling the moves. I might have even given them their first swirly of the day. After saying my lame exit line kellsta and I gathered our child and his paraphernalia and headed downstairs to bid in the slave auction.
Once downstairs we found our way to the slave auction and sat as far back as we could. We even sat on an outside aisle so not to block everyone coming up the middle. Everyone went up the middle, but tried to come down the aisle we were on. Once they saw a stroller blocking the path, they changed course. Except for that one guy. he was dumb. Pop sensation Tiffany was the first up for bid. The Tiffany. And she went for 200 big ones. That's it. Of course to put it all in perspective, $200 is over half the f/x budget of her movies. Next I think it was the GMX girls who were the official hotties of the Geek Media Expo. I've dated hotter chicks and I even married one! Some authors went up for bid, one of them I would have totally bid on too! The playboy bunny went up for bid. That was fun. A bunch of skeevy dudes bidding on a woman. Something tells me they were used to paying to spend time with a female though. One of them even looked liked the type of guy that keeps women who've jilted him in high school in his freezer. He had his head tilted slightly downward, but he looked up at her from under his brow in a manner that was oh so creepy. She seemed rather vacuous and flighty, so either she really is dumb or she is playing the part expected of a porn model.
Next stop that I can remember was the panel for self publishing gurus. I really enjoyed what little of that panel I got to hear. Jeffrey was cool as long as he had something to play with or used Janine's lap as a slide, but he got cranky so he and I left. The stories we made up were way out there and rambled a bit, but they were really fun. They all be summed up by two words: marsupial pouch.
We found our way to a Doctor Who costuming panel which I found to be kind of dull, but I did see a girl dressed as Nightcrawler that I saw earlier. Jeffrey and I saw this girl while we were walking around and he was fascinated with her, probably because she was blue. He also saw this one zombie girl and decided to stroke her leg. To be fair, he's not even two and she had argyle stockings on. Her leg wasn't bad, it just wasn't fantastic; i mean I wouldn't have done it. But I digress. Once Kelli and I departed that panel we sat in the lobby and fed the boy some yogurt. While sitting there we tried to figure out why everyone was going upstairs and then coming right back down. As it turns out they had a portrait studio set up as well as a video game I've never heard of was being played on the big screen! Watching people play a video game is boring, the kind of boring that makes you want to start a fire in someone's hair; but taking pictures with your little boy priceless and fun!
After that we kind of hung around the vendors' area where Kelli got her hair braided by Janine and I think Mel helped. I was too busy pushing little bit around until he fell asleep. We hung out and then Juicebox woke up cranky and hungry so we left.
This trip was hard for me though. There were a lot of girls there in fishnet hose and boots, fishnet hose and pumps, and just plain fishnets. From a dude perspective it was surprisingly.... hotty-filled. Some of them costumes were down right sexy. Occasionally there was a costume that could have been sexy on someone else. There were also a lot of girls dressed as male characters. fortunately I could still tell that they were ladies. Of course there were also some androgynous people there and androgyny just plain pisses me off. But the most ironic costume I saw was the fat flash that was walking about. Notice I said walking, not running. There was also a girl who was rather flat chested who was dressed as Eclair from Kiddy Grade, a character known for her large "tracks of land".
All in all it was fun time with the only low points being fussy baby and ~~the car smelling like pee on the way home~~ the brevity of our stay. We got to meet some cool people like Mark Dos Santos, two Walking Dead zombies, John Wesley Shipp, the voices of Jem and Pazazz, mellymell</lj> and we finally got to meet amaz0n_princess in person. Next year we are going back and we just might stay over night.

Blink

mr_j — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 18:06:24 GMT

Kelli and I have started watching Doctor Who and are loving it! The Doctor's care-free attitude is refreshing, especially coupled with his sense of responsibility about taking care of the timestream. The TARDIS is a wonderful plot device allowing for all different types of stories in all different types of settings.
But the episode I really want to talk about is "Blink". It was one of those rare episodes where the Doctor is not the focal point and there is no easy solution. The villains were especially creepy and they were so simple and commonplace that their menace lingers like a perfume in the air. Their modus operandi was not all that threatening, but they still had an air of unease about them. Killer statues. Brilliant!
But there is only one thing creepier than statues that move when no one is looking at them and that's dolls. Life-size dolls with a lot of detail dressed in clothing that would make a living person homicidal unless that person is into flamenco styles.
My grandmother died when I was 6 and it didn't take long for grandpa to remarry. The woman he picked had horrible taste which made Elvis look conservative in terms of interior design. She loved ceramics and dolls. So when she combined her two loves into ceramic dolls, she bought a doozy! She had a life size doll with a red shirt with sleeves of multicolored ruffles. She had this bad spirit about her and the house was filled with negative energy after she moved in. As a young boy it creeped me the heck out. Now that I'm not as easily unsettled they in general don't bother me. But that one still does. I used to see it move at night and offer I could see evil in it's eyes. It was possessed by Satan and plotted my utter destruction while I slept my troubled sleep.
Thanks Doctor Who for bringing back a child memory and creating a truly terrifying episode of TV.

Because I'm a sick Individual

mr_j — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 02:22:28 GMT

For my 40th birthday I want to be roasted. I want my closest friends there to make fun of me. I watch the ones on Comedy Central and laugh (a bit) and I remember the ones that Dean Martin did and I think that would be a great honor. Of course I idolize Don Rickles so my taste is slightly abnormal.

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Rock'n'Roll is EVIL!!!!!!!!!!

mr_j — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 21:16:48 GMT

So evil that it's e-ville. Like it's the fru-its of the dev-ille.
Diamond Dave has a lot to answer for. Sure he goes from frontman of one of the greatest bands ever to paramedic, but that does not excuse him from almost killing my child. From thousands of miles away. A child he's never seen. Ever. Still, that's no excuse! His words gave Jeffrey the impression jump, go ahead and jump; might as well jump... from the changing table!!!!!! Sure I let the kid listen to Van Halen, but I can't (and won't) blame myself for him listening to the song in the first place. I wasn't even in the room when it happened. Actually, David Lee Roth wasn't in the room either and Jeffrey listened to "Jump" over 2 hours before the incident, but the fact remains that rock music is dangerous to infants and teenagers. It tells kids to take drugs, have sex and jump off of various surfaces. Just like Beavis and Butt-head caused kids to play with fire, Van Halen caused Jeffrey to jump from his changing table.
Sure he's fine and has no ill effects, that still doesn't mean rock music in innocent in all this. Now that I think of, I can blame the changing table for being tall or the real estate agent for selling us a house with hard floors.
No, it's that infernal, devil worshiping rock and/or roll.

Doors and the nature of human beings

mr_j — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 19:25:24 GMT

I am a "low-level supervisor" of sorts at my job and that gives me access to the office. Well, the door has an electronic lock that you have to scan your badge to unlock. Well, the big boss decreed that the door from the cafeteria to the office must not be propped open so someone decided to shut the lock off. Me being me, I always scan my badge and push the handle so I noticed the door being unlocked right off the bat. However my manager didn't notice for a month! We still had people who did not have access waiting outside the door for people to open it for them and people with access kept on scanning their badges. Most people still kept on doing what they've always done. The door is unlocked yet they just stand there. And those who can do the same thing without the routine keep on through the routine. We try to push boundaries of things we really shouldn't but don't change the things we should. And sometimes when we see a chance to change we don't take it because refuse to see it. The door is unlocked but we don't go through it, we just find fences and tear them down without caring why they are there in the first place.
Back at work the door is locked again and sadly hardly anyone will notice.

Reflections on Valentine's

mr_j — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 18:47:22 GMT

It's Valentines Day and if you're lonely remember this: you can buy someone to love in Singapore for a snickers bar and a case of Levi's.
Happy Valentine's Day.

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angry panda

mr_j — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 19:26:33 GMT

OK, I've spent the past 3 hours typing this big post about everything that's been going on and then when I get to the spell check stage I lose it all making a correction. So I get to use my new icon in it's intended purpose.

Album Cover Meme

mr_j — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 02:16:10 GMT

kellsta got me doing this. Well, to be fair, I saw it on her page and decided to do it.
To be perfectly honest I just got the info from the links and she did all the photoshop work since she is the shiz.

my classical album:

and my alt-rock/trip-hop album. Excuse me, Rafael de Assis' album

Words of wisdom

mr_j — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 16:10:39 GMT

Make awkward sexual advances, not war.

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What I've Lost... And Who I Used to Be

mr_j — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:11:57 GMT

I am not happy.
Well, to be fair, I am quite happy. I'm just not content. To be even more fair, it's not because of what's going on at home because I have an amazing house, overflowing with all the cool things I've acquired over the years; I have an amazing wife, who is the most awesome person I've met; and I have this darling baby boy who is the spitting image of me at that age (when he's not the spitting image of kellsta ). Oddly enough it took an episode of My Name Is Earl to let me know what is missing.

I've lost the ability to dream.

I'm not talking about the kind of dreams you have when you sleep. Lord knows I have plenty of those. What I have lost is the kind of dreams one can aspire to, the kind that get you up in morning and puts your pants on you so failure doesn't laugh at your dangling unmentionables. Stupid failure. In the episode I watched Earl tried to make up for stealing a spacesuit from an astronaut camp he attended as a boy, only to find out the man running the camp wasn't who he said he was. The real astronaut was a drunk who only became an astronaut because his daddy was a senator or something. This reminded me of my dream when as I was little and never came close to achieving. I wanted to be 4 things when I grew up:
1. Astronaut
2. A Jedi (hey, I was 5).
3. A pilot
4. Marine Biologist
5. Writer
6. Sword fighter
So, not only have I missed 5 of the 6 things mentioned, I also can't count very well. And I am a bit rusty with the sword too. I haven't fought anyone of skill in over a decade. I love to go to aquariums still, and I do like to fly in airliners, but those dreams stopped driving me when I was a teenager. And as far as writing goes, I've only written this blog (sporadically at best), some banquet sketches, some mentally unhinged essays, and really bad teen poetry well into my late 20's. I've given up on everything I've wanted to be in order to squeak out a living and maintain health insurance. I've still managed to make one or two dreams come true, but those were dreams I had later in life; thus me having a wife and baby. I am mainly referring to dreams I had growing up. I never once said, "When I grow up I want to be an International Shipping Coordinator for a Global Healthcare company." I don't travel for my job and the only time I talk to foreigners is when I call tech support and get the call center in Calcutta.

Without my dreams other "muscles" have atrophied. I seem to have lost me sense of wonder, I am terribly cynical, and I have also lost a lot of my imagination. I'm like Billy Crystal in City Slickers, only I've reached this point to early. I'm only 32. I used to not be pragmatic. I was always the big picture guy, the one with his head in the clouds. I guess I'm not missing anything from my life, I am missing something from myself that used to define who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel as though I've turned into another cookie cutter American going through the motions of life instead of actually living. And now I am dragging my family along with me as I circle the drain of monotony. I'm not even Jason anymore, I'm Joe Sixpack: Head of Statistics at Acme Bland Co.

What I want for Jeffrey is for him to not lose his ability to dream. I hope he doesn't end up like me. I hope he never loses his sense of wonder. Who knows; maybe he'll me grow mine back, then we can dream big together and I can help him the way I never helped myself.

And for what it's worth, I still want to swim with sharks and fly jet planes. Maybe there is hope after all. Maybe I can become Jason again.

Nopar King

mr_j — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 17:29:29 GMT

Everyone knows its wrong for a normal person to park in a handicapped spot, but what if the tablea are reversed? I am in good health and no physical or mental defects and I do not have a blue tag or anything hanging in my car or truck. Now if I park in a handicap spot I get a ticket. Well, when handicap people park in a regular space, shouldn't they get ticketed?
Parking peeve #1: people who park crooked on purpose to "protect" their cars. I park right up on people like that. Justice served.
Parking Peeve #2 People who dont pull all the way into the parking space and hang out a good two feet or more.
Parking Peeve #3 compact cars that pull ALL the way in. Your car is small you dont have to park on the front line of the space. I've almost hit several cars because of this
Parking Peeve #4 people backing into spaces when there is a long line of people. Often these people park on the line and dont back in all the way.
Parking Peeve#5 40 handicapped spaces, 2 handicap vehicles.
#6 CNN & Fox News. Not parking related but still annoying.

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New Icons!

mr_j — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 14:22:23 GMT

my wife is so awesome. even though she's super busy she still takes the time to make me LJ icons. I just wanted to share the newest two with you.

Now I just have to find an occasion to use them.

Writer's Block: I'll meet you down at the big yellow joint

mr_j — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 17:25:37 GMT

It all comes down to one thing: money. There is no nor can there ever be a tax base for it. If big tobacco lobbied for marijuana to be legalized and the government could tax it then it would be legal. As of now you have too many people growing it in their closets and outside the US to tax it. Also, I'm pretty sure either drug cartels have paid off officials or big tobacco has paid off officials to keep it illegal.
As a person who hates stupid laws, I think it should be legalized; I just don't condone the activity. That's pretty muchy stance on tobacco and alcohol. I am against their use, period.

The Douche List

mr_j — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:58:12 GMT

OK, how these people have flown under my radar is beyond me. I wonder if Fox News is for these people. I am talking about the WBC, the Westboro Baptist Church.
Now, don't get me wrong, I fully support the first amendment and will defend anyone's right to use it. However just because one has the right does not mean one should exercise it. I also am against gay marriage and I believe that homosexuality is a sin. I have two openly gay uncles and they know where I stand. We do not really talk about about, we dont need to.
Yes, I am right wing in some areas. I am also left-wing in some areas. Not only is homosexuality a sin, but hate is a sin as well. To protest soldiers funerals and brandish signs that say, "God hates fags", is inexcusable. What bible are they reading? Mine tells me to love God with everything I have and to love my neighbor. Mine teaches me to hate the sin and love the sinner, not to spread misery and hate to those that need God's love the most.
I looked at their website and saw that they will protest 2 concerts in KC and some Jewish functions. I am all for protesting Justin Beiber, but because he is lame and really popular with the kids (for no reason as far as I can tell).
So, I add them to my douche list. actually the congregation is the douche and Fred Phelps is the nozzle.

PS: They protested ComicCon!?!?!?!? Fred Phelps- self loathing closet homosexual?

mr_j — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 20:49:41 GMT

Lane Bryant has the most arousing mannequins.

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Fail!

mr_j — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 10:47:33 GMT

So I begin fulfledged fatherhood with a sense of failure. First off I forgot the lip balm. Not a minor offense, it still stings though. But the main reason is the doctor is wanting to induce today and I didn't fight it. We wanted a natural child birth experience, not some medicated farce of human biological function. I feel bad that I let convenience and a "professional opinion" interfere with my child's natural development.

PS: our nurse has a really high pitched voice and it is quite annoying. Good thing she's kind of cute (for a blond), otherwise her presence would not be quite as tolerable (and only just barely).

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Mister J

To the three people on here:

Anything A Man Can do...

Shirts

My Bum is on the Cheese

Stay on the Scene

Sandusky Blues

GMX v3.0.1

Blink

Because I'm a sick Individual

Rock'n'Roll is EVIL!!!!!!!!!!

Doors and the nature of human beings

Reflections on Valentine's

*angry panda*

Album Cover Meme

Words of wisdom

What I've Lost... And Who I Used to Be

Nopar King

New Icons!

Writer's Block: I'll meet you down at the big yellow joint

The Douche List

Fail!

angry panda