how moosesal faced the external situation bravely

boring update

2012-06-20T17:41:57Z

I am so not interested in being at work today. *sigh* I keep checking the clock to see if it's time for a lunch break.

I have been incredibly sloth-like over the last two months. As a result I have gained some weight and my pants are snugger than I'd like. So Monday I dragged myself out of bed in the morning to workout and only managed 16 minutes of a cardio workout before I was wiped out. *headdesk* Not good. Yesterday morning I stayed in bed with cramps, but today I got up again and this time I managed 27 minutes of yoga. I stopped when the video I was doing made the switch to a yoga/pilates ab workout. I just looked at the screen and said, "No. Not today. No fucking way." But I figure I'm doing something, right? I'm trying. My goal on the cardio workout is to get a little bit farther next time. Just a little more each day until I'm able to do the whole thing, because I really should be able to do the whole thing.

The weird thing with the workouts too is that I can hike, I can do long walks with the dogs, whatever. So I'm not totally out of shape. I feel confident going into the field for a SAR mission, but I have always sucked at video/classroom workouts. That said, 16 minutes of cardio is pathetic and I can do better. I WILL do better.

I've been fiddling more with my diet and managing to increase my fruits and vegetables, which is good. And I feel good about that, I just wish the scale would better reflect that. (I know, I know... stick with the healthy eating and get my ass moving and I'll be fine. I'm just in that rut right now.)
---

In other news... I don't really have any other news. My life is boring right now. I'm not going to complain about that. Boring means no drama and there's nothing wrong with that.

New tattoo

2012-06-09T23:07:32Z

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2012-05-18T09:43:00

2012-05-18T16:43:05Z

Hello internets. I've been around, but quiet lately. Work has been overwhelming as we've had some clients with crises and some training and stuff. And my mind has been scattered lately. I've not been sleeping well, including a nightmare last night. WTF? Anyway...

The high points of my last couple of weeks? I went to a yoga class on 5/7, 5/14, and 5/15! I'm so proud of myself. I found out that the owner of the studio down in Winter Park does some satellite classes. One of them is Monday evenings in the county admin building just one block from my office. So I went to that two weeks in a row and the M (the instructor) said she also teaches Tuesday night at the new med center in my town, so this week I blew off trivia and went to that class too. They're hatha classes, with really excellent focus (and correction) on form which has been great. Last week our focus area was on balance and we did extensive alternate nostril breathing and then some warrior and side angle balance work. It was awesome. This week (both classes) the focus was on backbends and was f-ing amazing.

I love that M moves around and will make subtle adjustments when needed or just vocal cues like "shoulders back" and then a "good person X" for whomever needed the cue. She's really gentle of spirit and soft-spoken and her style of teaching is so welcoming. I do, however, want to take a flow class at the studio with one of her other teachers for comparison. M's a little "spiritual" for some tastes, but I can work with that since her instruction is so good. And when she presses on my low back during downward dog? It's like heaven. *g*

Now if I can just get my ass out a bed a couple times a week to do morning yoga at home... With the crappy sleep lately, I have been really sluggish in the mornings. I haven't been on time to work all week (though, I've mostly been no more than 10 minutes late).

I'm continuing to "work the food" of my sugar sensitivity thing. Breakfast has been good and I've officially started step two -- journaling. I left the e-mail list for step one and got this auto e-mail from the list mod asking if I had any comments or if I was leaving for a specific reason. I wrote a lengthy e-mail back letting her know that it was a mix of not needing help on step one (because I've always been a breakfast eater) and having trouble reading messages from people who were counting everything and talking about how hard it is to eat. I got enough of that shit from my mother growing up and I do NOT do well with that because of my mom's disordered eating. She wrote me back that she finds breakfast easy too and understands and wishes me well as I move to step two. It was nice.

I'm also ready to start adjusting my food choices for my dosha after reading through the Yoga Body Diet a couple of times and taking the dosha-type quiz there and a couple others online. I'm a bit terrified though because for kapha they recommend giving up most dairy. Seriously? No dairy? But I LOVE milk. And cheese. And cottage cheese is half my morning protein every day. I'm going to have to start that one slowly. Interestingly though, I've found lately that the more I "do the food" and limit my sugar, the more having milk at dinner bothers my stomach. It's not a problem in the morning, but a glass of milk with dinner leads to terrible bloat. At first I thought maybe it was food, but since I've been journaling the only common denominator seems to be milk so I'm going to cut out dinnertime milk for now and see how I feel.

In my loads (not) of spare time, I've read some hockey fic. Don't ask, I don't know. There's also been continued knitting and (mostly) keeping up with my usual TV shows.

Well... must get back to work now. I've got TWO clients who just lost their Medicaid for unknown reasons and are in crisis mode. *shoot me now*

moosesal @ 2012-04-21T08:35:00

2012-04-21T14:35:52Z

Happy birthday to me
I'm going to ski!
Then later I'll have caaaaaake,
And booze as I party!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2012-04-17T12:44:00

2012-04-17T19:44:18Z

Today's my first post-vacation day at the office and I'm ready for a nap at only 1:30pm. *sigh*

I was supposed to work yesterday, but do to storms in Chicago, my connecting flight out of there left 2.5 hours after scheduled and I didn't get home until almost 4am on Monday. Chris amazingling got up and went to work. I ... did not.

But I'm here today, plowing through emails and voicemails and stuff left on my desk. Not too overwhelming (amazingly), but enough to keep me busy.

Vacation was grand. turnonmyheels posted about our adventures, so i didn't bother. I will simply say that I drank everyday, I ate a lot, and I have good times with my BFF. We went on an 8-mile hike and I went to four yoga classes with her (one just before she took me to the airport on Sunday) and attended one of her Zumba classes (then politely declined the other one). We saw Bring It On: The Musical and a show about Billie Holliday. I got to see some of B's family and friends. And I finally got my butter keeper (which is now filled and sitting on the kitchen counter, yay!).

This morning I got up early and tried to do some yoga before work. I say tried because it was the WORST yoga workout in the history of the universe. I quit about 2/3 of the way through because I couldn't take it anymore. The instructor was too flat (like there was no emotion there at all and no connection), the flow was not doing it for me, and there were NO modifications offered other than the option to do Cobra instead of Up-Dog. I was so disconnected to the whole thing and just couldn't hang any longer. I will not be doing that workout again.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I'm out of the office all day for "mental health first aid" training. It better be good or I'm going to be annoyed.

And finally, the dogs were all over me when I got home Monday morning. I had missed them so much (esp. my Buddy), and was delighted to be smothered in their love and attention (or their begging for my love and attention as it really was).

The Borgias

2012-04-10T01:41:05Z

I'm writing recaps for HDJM again.

Season premier of The Borgias is here. Don't miss out on the latest antics of my favorite wannabe dirtyrottensisterfucker. This week brought us cross-dressing and a girl-on-girl kiss. What more could an atheist ask for on Zombie Jesus Day?

moosesal @ 2012-04-02T14:39:00

2012-04-02T21:39:07Z

So I've been on step 1 of Potatoes Not Prozac for two weeks now and I'm doing okay. I'm getting better with my timing of breakfast. Still not perfect every day, but closer to within an hour of waking. I've sort of started step 2 - journaling - to start getting it into my head, but I'm taking my time. The book recommends at least one month per step. That, of course, depends on how each step varies from what you already do. I already eat breakfast every day, so the habit part has been easy. And the protein increase has turned out to be a breeze now that I'm used to it. And a focus on my protein at lunch too (which doesn't officially come until step 3) has meant fewer afternoon snacks. When I do have a snack it's usually cottage cheese and fresh berries -- an improvement over my past cookie needs.

As long as I have the protein, I find that I'm not craving sweets. That's not to say that I've gone straight to step 6 and given them up... I'm not crazy. ;-) I've got an Izze that I'm sipping this afternoon. And I had honey in my tea this morning. But I'm wanting more and more sweets. Even better, I haven't had the experience of sitting at my desk at 2pm and thinking about happy hour because I need a drink. (This program was originally developed with alcoholics in mind because the brain triggers are the same.) Not that I haven't given up drinks... again, I'm not crazy. But where in November I was self-medicating, now I'm back to the social drink one or two times a week because it's what I choose (and sometimes I choose water). I'm not turning to booze but rather sometimes enjoying the deliciousness of an adult beverage. (This is good because I certainly have the family history to predispose me to alcoholism.)

----

In happier updates... I get to see my B on Friday!! I cannot wait. *bounces*

I'm trying to take care of a bunch of crap on my desk before I go. The less I have to catch up on when I get back the better.

medical blah

2012-03-26T22:31:13Z

My asthma flare-up of last week got worse over the weekend. Saturday afternoon I came very close to taking my ass to the ER. I started coughing and couldn't stop at first and was even wheezing (which I usually don't do). I sort of terrified myself. But finally my Ventolin kicked in and opened me up.

So this morning I made an appt with my doc. She put me back on Advair full-time, told me to start taking an OTC allergy med (because 1. pollen in NC next week, and 2. I seem to be reactive to something in my workplace because I sneeze here every day), put me on a 6-day cycle of prednisone (which I love and hate), and said to come back if there's no improvement. She said if my allergy issues (which I haven't had since moving to Colorado until taking this job) continue, she might put me on Singulair. I hate taking meds, but I like to breathe, so...

I waited for the pharmacy to fill my meds so I could start my prednisone today instead of tomorrow. I checked with the pharmacist about taking it "late" since it was already noon, but he said as long as I had it before 3 or 4 I'd probably be okay to sleep tonight. So I took my 6 freakin' pills with lunch and am doing okay. I'm not jittery, but I'm not having my late afternoon desire for a nap either. I just have to remember to watch my sugar intake this week because prednisone ups my blood sugar big time, making me drink lots of water and then pee all the time. Yay?

But I'm feeling a little relief in my chest already. Still a little tight, but worlds away from where I was this morning. (I took a puff off my old Advair at 8am, then 2 hits of Ventolin at 9am, and was still tight at 10:45 at the doctor.) I expect tomorrow will be better.

I love my doc (actually an NP). She is awesome and wonderful and I rec her all the time, especially to women because she is so easy to talk to and so "whole body" in her approach.

I also talked to the administrator at the office today. When I had my depression follow-up at the end of January, I went ahead and paid 30% because I wasn't sure the visit would be covered like a regular preventive visit. Then I got a bill for the balance later and was pissed because my insurance should have at least covered 70% (if not 100%). So I asked today and because the doc and NP there started their own practice, CIGNA had their contract stuff messed up and basically wasn't paying ANY claims. So I do NOT owe 70% and am probably getting a refund for the 30% I paid once it's all straightened out. Yay? And today's visit was covered as were my meds. ($223 regular price for my Advair. For one month. INSANE. My price? $0. I paid $4 for the prednisone. That is why we have insurance. That and for the day that might come when my inhaler didn't help like it did on Saturday and I end up in the ER. *knocks wood*)

moosesal @ 2012-03-23T10:36:00

2012-03-23T17:36:11Z

Two weeks from today I will be flying across the country to see my B!!!! I cannot wait.

My mother-in-law was here this week. Just put her on the shuttle to the airport this morning. It was a nice visit. Sadly because we're having crazy weather there's really no good snow, so no snowmobiling this year. Instead she and Chris and the dogs had lunch outside yesterday at my beloved pancake place. While I worked, of course. (Bastards.) We did have a couple good meals and took her with us to trivia (we won) and the hot springs. And she spent much time with Buddy and Bear. Most importanly, she got to see her baby boy.

In my life... well, work is work. And I'm doing a lot of it. Had a good meeting with the boss last week that gave me a giant to do list. Which is good, because right now I need that to keep myself focused at the office. (Not that it's entirely successful because I'm still spending lots of time on blogs, but whatever.)

On my "2012 Healthy" goals... I'm stumbling on some, succeeding on others. One thing I'm doing that's (hopefully) going to help across the board though, is a dietary change. I've been reading Potatoes Not Prozac which is about sugar sensitivity and I'm working on step 1 right now -- eating breakfast. This sounds much easier than it is. In fact, it's really hard. You need to consume 1/3 your daily needed protein (so 28.5g a meal for me), include a complex carb, and eat within 1 hour of getting up. Every. Day. Right now I'm focusing on all but the one hour part. I'm used to eating at work. So this week I stuck with eating at work and focused on adding the protein (since I was only getting about half that). My whole grain bagel with cream cheese has gone to whole grain bagel with cream cheese and turkey with a side of cottage cheese. It is So. Much. Food. But I'm not having cravings so much, and I'm full until lunch, and I'm working on the protein at lunch too so I'm not eating cookies mid-afternoon. But it is hard. I cannot even imagine how hard when I get to the steps involving detox from sugar (many months away).

I'm having wild dreams because even this first part is changing my blood sugar cycling and affecting my brain chemistry. I'm so tired at night and then sleep like a log as I'm starting to adjust. But my day time energy is definitely better. Ultimately this will help with weight control, depression (since serotonin is affected by the program), sleep, and energy levels. I just don't know if I will actually make it through the whole program because as much as I love sweets and fruit juice, giving up alcohol is something I don't know if I want to do. I guess we'll see how things go as I progress.

In other health news, my asthma has been kicking my ass this week. I think it might be these cork tiles they put in upstairs last week. Other people have said they can still smell the tile and the adhesive. I don't smell anything, but that doesn't mean it's not irritating my lungs. It's like I'm having an allergy attack and well... given where I live I know it's not the pollen. *g* I had an unopened Advair at home, so I started using it last night and will give it a few days. If no improvement, I'll go to the doctor later next week. I'm not so bad that I need to go to the ER, I'm just using my rescue inhaler a few times a day (which I normally only use once every two or three months).

In terrible news, Chris found out today that they have to take 80 hours off without pay before July 1st. Ugh. It's this crap snow year. Business is hurting. So after the ski area closes (4/22), he has to take a week off, then work some 3-day weeks after. At least they're letting employees kind of spread it out. Thank god March is a 3-check month. We'll need to sock some of that away. *sigh*

I, on the other hand, should be getting a raise in July at my one-year anniversary. So yay me! The stability of this 2-year grant we just got has done a lot for my outlook on life.

moosesal @ 2012-03-15T12:27:00

2012-03-15T19:27:53Z

* Bucknell beat Arizona in round 1 of the NIT last night. Woo hoo! To say I was delighted would be an understatement. I watched the second half after SAR training at the bar and my teammates were looking at me like I was crazy. I am. Crazy about little Patriot league teams whooping ass on schools expected to dominate.

* Buddy and his new girlfriend Bear are getting along beautifully. Chris and I think maybe we can bring in another dog after all, as long as it's a female who is smaller than Buddy. (Bear's momma is a fine housemate too. But despite being quite cute, not nearly as cute as her doggie.)

* Mother-in-law arrives on Monday. Woo?

* Ski race tomorrow! The annual Tire Biter race at the ski area. Proceeds go to the high school ski team, which definitely needs the money. I'm sure I will not even place in my age group, but it's a good cause and it's fun, and it's a reason to get my skis tuned.

* Gotta go meet with my boss in 2 minutes.

moosesal @ 2012-03-09T11:16:00

2012-03-09T19:16:44Z

I going to see my B in April!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be there for 9 days!!!!!!!!!!!! We're going to see Bring It On: The Musical. I may die from the music, but I'll surely be delighted by the cheer stunts. And B!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot tell you all how excited I am to have paid vacation again. And to have a job that allows me to pay for a plane ticket (not that I couldn't use a raise...). It has been some stressful recent years, but wow, I am just so happy right now.

moosesal @ 2012-02-14T08:04:00

2012-02-14T15:04:47Z

On route to Loveland for the wedding. Heavily medicated as my head/chest cold went full meltdown yesterday. Not letting it ruin my day though.

I can't believe we're finally doing this. I must be out of my mind. :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2012-02-07T18:14:00

2012-02-08T01:14:35Z

I won this awesome eye patch at trivia tonight. It says "Coors Light. The cold is alive!"

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2012-02-03T13:57:00

2012-02-03T20:57:02Z

My wedding jewelry. A lovely vintage Trifari brooch and earrings. I'm very happy with them. Now for the dress to arrive (it shipped yesterday).

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2012-02-02T20:36:00

2012-02-03T03:36:13Z

I have home internet again! New, shiny, smaller modem. Connections. Happiness.

Whee!!!

moosesal @ 2012-01-31T15:36:00

2012-01-31T22:36:28Z

So I decided on a dress last week for the wedding. I found something absolutely gorgeous online and I ordered it. The shop owner was shipping today (I even had a tracking number) and as she was wrapping it up, she saw a tiny moth hole. *weeps*

She e-mailed me and she's going to send me a photo of it. She says it's just a bit smaller than an eraser and in a place where it could be covered with a brooch (or rewoven by a professional -- which there's no one around me, but I could probably find someone in Denver if I had time... I don't).

Since I already ordered a brooch and earrings specifically with this dress in mind, I'm going crazy. I'm thinking I'll go ahead and take the dress, because I've got my heart set on it and nothing else I had bookmarked will work with the jewelry I ended up decided on (we're talking pretty bold blue rhinestones here). I'm going to do some looking again just in case I can find something else, but I'm so tired of looking at dresses. OMG. How did any of you have actual weddings where you had to plan everything? I would cry every. fucking. day.

moosesal @ 2012-01-31T11:26:00

2012-01-31T18:26:43Z

Update: IT dude finally came over to the office and fixed my problem (we think). We shall see. At least I seem to have internet again for now.

If my modem arrives on Thursday I'll be fully functioning again.

moosesal @ 2012-01-31T11:00:00

2012-01-31T18:00:59Z

Posting from my phone because I'm having Internet problems. My modem (at home) died. After an ordeal with century link that included being told my work address isn't a valid address (uh... We get deliveries all the time. WTF?) I have a new modem on the way. They claim I'll get it on thursday. I'm not holding my breath.

Meanwhile at the office I keep losing my connection to the Internet and to the server in he main building. I got on long enough to put in an IT ticket (since my calls have only put me to voicemail with no response). So consider me mostly offline for now. (I do have phone access to my email.)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2012-01-25T13:57:00

2012-01-25T21:58:51Z

OMG, this wedding stuff is going to kill me dead. I'm trying to find a dress. A dress that doesn't cost much money, need alterations, and oh yeah... FITS. Good grief. You'd think my body was some freak of nature or something. I've been looking at vintage dresses and there are some gorgeous dresses but they're all just a little too small. 34-24 bust to waist? Nope. Try 37ish (I can squeeze a 36, but do better in a 38) and 29-30. *sigh* But I keep looking.

I think I'm going to drive down to Denver this weekend and check some thrift stores and a bridal shop that carries consignment gowns and samples.

And in things I never thought I would care about... I learned how to do a French bustle as well as a pleated/pick-up bustle. Because I have found some previously owned gowns, but all the affordable ones have cathedral trains. Apparently nobody wants to sell their awesome tea-length dresses.

moosesal @ 2012-01-13T10:51:00

2012-01-13T18:51:41Z

Why is no one ever around on Fridays?

I have had a really blah week. Busy enough to not really post, but not busy with anything particularly interesting. A couple of big meetings at work. SAR training. Trivia on Tuesday and Thursday (and I won both nights!).

Lots and lots of knitting. I am winding down on my dress -- I've got one piece of the skirt that's about 10% done and the belt/trim piece that's about 40% done. All other pieces are completed. So once I finish these parts I can start blocking and assembling. I was hoping to have it ready to wear to a party on 1/27, but I'm not sure I'm going to manage that. We'll see how much I get done this weekend.

I've got to train my Treasurer replacement this afternoon. I'm glad to be getting rid of it all, but I've still got anxiety because I haven't closed out 2011 yet (due in part to waiting on stuff from the sheriff's office that they haven't finished yet). But soon it will no longer be my problem.

We had another small grant come through at work. We've got funds to get us to March now. Woo hoo? I don't know. I'm planning to apply for an upcoming job at the library (pregnant lady due in May and not coming back), but there's going to be a lot of competition for the opening. So, whatever. I'm just trying to think positive, as is my boss.

I had another lovely moonlight cross-country ski night last Sunday. My skiing has certainly improved over the December trek. I'm hoping to get out for a few miles tomorrow. And on Sunday I have my Telemark lesson with my buddy M. I'm both nervous and excited about that.

What else? Umm... my period this month was much less horrendous than last month. Still rougher than before the IUD, but there wasn't any crying or scaring the nurse I work with by being so incredibly pale.

Oh and I attempted to listen to Wuthering Heights on audiobook yesterday. I made it 12 minutes before I realized I'd totally zoned out and had no idea what was going on. The narrator voice is not going to work for me on that book. One of my goals this year is to read three classics I haven't read (or finished) before. Wuthering Heights was my nemesis in high school and I've intended for years to go back and actually read the whole thing. Maybe I'll manage with print? Maybe I should just try three classics that I actually want to read. ;-)

Fic: Irresistable (Damon/Alaric, Vampire Diaries, R for language)

2012-01-05T04:03:28Z

Written for tvd_hiatus challenge.

Title: Irresistible
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Pairing: Damon/Alaric
Rating: R for language
Note: Thank you to turnonmyheels for the beta.
Prompt: Damon/Alaric -- Damon thinks he's irresistible, Alaric disagrees, he doesn't want him. Yep, you read right, Alaric doesn't want Damon. Not that he's not into guys (he is), but Damon just doesn't do it for him. So what's a vampire to do about that?

"Hey." Damon slid onto the stool next to him and looked over, raising his eyebrows and half-smiling in that way that Alaric supposed was an invitation. He half laughed and shook his head in response. Damon just wouldn't quit hitting on him. It was kind of sad really.

"Hey," he replied before slamming the rest of his Scotch and dropping some cash on the bar. He was out of there.

"Wait." Damon reached out and grabbed his wrist. "I just got here."

"I know."

"So... stick around? Have a drink with me?" The look in his eyes was questioning, like he was maybe figuring out that Alaric was leaving because of him.

"Why? So you can regale me with stories about your latest afternoon snack?" It didn't come out as biting as he'd intended. He sounded more tired than anything.

"Umm... never mind." Damon let go and Alaric's arm dropped to his side. They stared at each other for a moment before Alaric turned and left the bar.

***

"Hey, Elena... Do you think Alaric's straight?"

"What?" Elena looked up from her history book, confusion clear on her face.

"Do you think he's straight?"

Now she looked like she didn't know how to break the bad news to him. "Well... he was dating my aunt." Her words were hesitant, like she wasn't even sure as she said them.

"That doesn't mean anything. I would have fucked your aunt too."

"Damon!"

"What? Jenna was totally into me."

"Right." She shook her head as she closed her book then started to pack her stuff to leave.

"Wait." God he hated this crap. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to insult you. Or Jenna."

She took a deep breath and huffed. "Fine. Back to Alaric. Why are you asking this?"

"Well, he's kinda hot in a scruffy way. And I bet he'd be a really tight--"

"Damon!"

"Geez. Alright. He's kinda intriguing. He was married to Isobel. I figure she must have taught him a thing or two."

"Oh god," she muttered. "Really?" Her expression was challenging and disbelieving at once.

"And he's smart." Damon shrugged. "I like smart. It's why I like you." He flashed her his most winning smile and waggled his eyebrows, knowing she'd roll her eyes at him. And she did.

She stared at him for a long moment then finally said, "I don't know if he's totally straight." Before he could say something else, she held up her hand and continued, "But I don't think you'd be his type even if he isn't."

What? Not his type? I'm everybody's type. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well... one, you're a vampire, in case you forgot."

Now he was the one rolling his eyes. “So was his wife.”

She ignored him and plowed on. "Two, you're... well, you -- you know, arrogant and obnoxious."

"Thank you."

She was rolling her eyes again. "That wasn't a compliment, Damon."

"Sure it was. To me anyway."

"Look, you guys hang out, right?" He nodded. "So if you want to... whatever, just ask him. He likes people to be straight up with him."

"Right." That made sense.

"Just... don't do anything at my house. Please." Elena shuddered and grabbed her bag. She headed for the front door and looked back to add, "And don't hurt him."

"He's got the ring, he'll be fine."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

***

They were in Damon's bathroom putting together more wolfsbane grenades when Alaric noticed that Damon had stopped working and was just looking at him. "What?"

"Nothing." Damon shook his head and went back to his work.

Alaric sighed and set down a grenade then turned around to lean against the vanity. He crossed his arms over his chest and said, "Spit it out, Damon."

Damon scratched his head then held the back of his neck as he stared at the sink. Pretending to be shy? Really? Alaric leaned over a little, forcing Damon to finally look up at him. "You wanna...," he trailed off and swallowed before finally continuing, "I don't know. Fuck sometime?"

Alaric burst out laughing. "Fuck sometime? Wow. Way to woo a lady."

"You're not a lady."

"No. I'm not. Maybe that's the problem," he suggested.

"No way. You married Isobel. I know you've taken it up the ass before."

Alaric felt himself blush. That wasn't something he'd thought was common knowledge. But he held his own. "Letting my wife--"

"Oh please. You got fucked by more than just a strap-on. Don't deny it."

"Okay, fine. I've been fucked in the ass. By men. Big men. Maybe you just don't measure up to what I'm used to." As soon as he said it, he knew he shouldn't have. But Christ, he couldn't help it. Damon brought out the worst in him.

"Measure up?" He started undoing his jeans.

"Whoa. Just hold up there, buddy."

"I just want to show you what you're missing, man."

"Damon -- I'm not in to you, okay?" It came out in a rush.

Damon's fingers stopped and he squinted at him. "What do you mean, you're not in to me?"

"You're not my type."

"Pfft. I'm everybody's type. Gorgeous, hot, with amazing staying power." Alaric rolled his eyes at that. "No really, amazing staying power. We vamps? We can go for hours."

Alaric sighed and turned to leave the room. Once again, Damon reached out and grabbed his wrist. "It doesn't have to be more than sex," he said. "I know you miss Jenna. I'm just offering a little... release of tension."

"You're right," he replied. "I do miss Jenna. And that's just one reason why I'm saying no. The other is that I'm not attracted to you, Damon. I don't know how to be more clear about that."

He pulled away and left Damon standing alone in the bathroom.

***

"I don't get it. I'm attractive, right?”

Caroline and Tyler just stared at him.

"I'm hot. I know I'm hot. You guys would love to be with me."

"Been there, done that," Caroline said, boredom in her voice that Damon knew was faked. He had rocked her world. No way was teen wolf over there making her come like he had.

"I'm, uh... not really into dudes. Dude."

Damon laughed at that. "You're a hybrid. You'll fuck anything. Stop kidding yourself. Dude."

"Uh..." Tyler looked at Caroline, eyes wide and searching. "I gotta get home. Mom wanted me to … do some stuff."

Caroline nodded and said, "Oh sure. Let me give you a ride." They slid out of their booth and headed for the exit.

Damon saw Matt bussing some tables and thought he'd have better luck getting an answer from him. Then he remembered that Matt was pretty much in denial about everything and took a seat at the bar instead.

"Scotch. Double." The bartender put a rocks glass in front of him and started to pour. "You think I'm attractive, right?"

The bartender stared at him and then said, "You wanna run a tab?"

Damon sighed and handed over a credit card.

He smelled him as soon as he walked into the Grille. Sure enough, looking up at the mirror behind the bar, he saw Alaric standing in the doorway, looking over at him as though trying to decide whether to stay or go. He dropped his head, staring resolutely into his half-empty glass.

Whatever Alaric was thinking, Damon couldn't tell, but he did end up walking over and taking the seat next to him. "I'll have what he's having. And get him another one on me."

Damon looked over at him, a question on his face.

Alaric just shrugged. "Just because I turned down your generous offer doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

Damon laughed. "Still be friends? Christ. I'm not a teenage girl who just got dumped. I don't care if you turned me down." He hoped his voice sounded strong. He didn't feel strong. The more Alaric turned him down, the more he wanted him. Maybe wanted it to be a little more than just a one-time thing too. He slammed his drink back, realizing he was acting like a teenage girl who just got dumped. Fuck me. "Leave the bottle," he said as his glass was refilled.

The bartender shrugged. "It's your money."

***

Another night, another bottle of booze, this one being consumed at the boarding house. Alaric was sprawled out in the corner of the sofa, relaxed and a little past buzzed. "It's been a week," he said, pulling Damon's attention from where he sat in a chair a few feet away.

"A week?"

"I stopped taking vervain."

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.

"Why are you telling me this?" Damon finally asked him.

"You want me? Here's your chance."

Damon snorted. "Right. So you can stake me tomorrow when you're sober and wonder why you don't remember what happened tonight?"

Alaric shrugged and they sat in silence for several more minutes.

"No," Damon finally said. Alaric was confused at first, not realizing that the "no" was Damon's response to his earlier offer of sorts. "That's not..." He didn't finish, just looked away and took another drink.

Oh, Alaric thought. Huh.

***

Damon waited in the bushes until Alaric pulled away before going up to the front door and knocking. Elena seemed surprised when she opened the door. "Damon? Since when do you knock?"

"Turning a new leaf," he said before brushing past her into the living room. "Alaric here?"

"You just missed him."

"Good."

"Good?" She laughed. "Okay."

"He turned me down, Elena. I did what you suggested -- I told him what I wanted and he said he wasn't ‘in to me’, whatever that means."

"Umm... I'm sorry?" He didn't think she looked very sorry. In fact, the glint in her eyes made her look more amused than anything.

"Are you laughing at me?" He got up in front of her, using his body to push her back against a wall.

She put her hands up in a mock surrender and said, "No?"

"No? You don't sound so sure." He turned away from her and flung himself down on the couch.

"Wow, Damon. I haven’t seen such dramatics since the last time Caroline and I watched Gone with the Wind."

"Not helping."

"What do you want me to say, Damon? I told you you weren't his type."

"Well what is his type?"

"Are you seriously asking me for advice about getting Alaric in bed?"

"Not just in bed," he mumbled.

"What was that?"

He sighed and sat up on the couch then looked at her straight on. He couldn't believe he'd resorted to this. "I don't just want to get him in bed." It was true, much as it pained him to admit it.

She stared at him a moment, confusion on her face, and then her eyes widened. "Are you ... what... interested in him? You like him?"

Damon tipped his head back to look at the ceiling and said, "What the fuck was I thinking coming here for help?"

"Oh my god. You are. You like him. You like him, like him."

"Go ahead. Laugh it up. I should have known." He got up from the couch and moved to the door.

"Wait," Elena said. "I'm sorry." He turned and looked at her and saw sincerity in her eyes. "Sit down."

He moved back to the sofa and looked up at her, waiting.

"Alaric's... he's still hurting, Damon. I don't know that anyone could break through the walls he's built up since... since Jenna."

He nodded and looked down at his shoes. They were nice. Italian leather. In need of a shine though.

"Damon?" He looked back up. He didn't want to hear her say he didn't have a shot in hell. "He needs a friend. And you've been that in your own way."

"Yeah? How do you figure?"

"Just being around. Even when he's getting drunk, which I do not approve of, for the record. But... maybe just keep spending time with him. Keep him company."

"Elena--"

"Hear me out." She gave him her determined look and he rolled his eyes. "Let him know you're there for him. That you're his friend. Maybe you'll never get any more than that, but maybe he'll realize that you're not all that bad."

"Not all that bad? Gee, thanks."

"I'm serious, Damon. He doesn't trust you. But it's not just you. He doesn't trust anyone these days."

He nodded again and looked back down at his shoes. They really needed a shine. "He stopped taking vervain," he said.

"He... why?"

"He told me if I wanted..." He trailed off, not even sure how to say it. He suddenly didn't feel comfortable telling Elena about using compulsion to get sex. Not that she didn't know he'd done it before. She was surely more surprised that he wouldn't do it, than that he had done it a thousand times before.

"What did you do?"

"I said no."

"Wait... you said no?"

He looked up at her, his temper rising to the surface. "Yeah, Elena. I said no. I don't use compulsion to get laid you know. I mean... yeah, I've done it with people so I could drink from them. To toy with them for more than sex." Her face hardened. "Don't look at me like that. It's not like I’ve killed anybody.... Lately."

"Right." She didn't exactly look convinced.

"But just for sex?" he continued. "It's not really been a problem for me to get laid before."

"What?" She laughed. "You've never been turned down before?"

"Nope." He grinned at her and sat up straighter, motioning to his body. "I know you're still obsessed with Stefan and all, but most people find me pretty hot, Elena."

If she rolled her eyes at him one more time, he was going to... well, he didn't know what he'd do. But it was really annoying him.

"Fine. You're attractive, Damon. I know that, I admit that. Do you feel better now?"

"Whatever."

There was a minute of silence between them, neither looking at the other and then Elena spoke again. "You really want him?"

"Yes."

"Then ... maybe you should try it.”

“What?”

“Compel him”

He looked up at her and she was serious. What the hell?

"Alaric doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean, so... Maybe he needs you to push him a little. I’m not saying force him to have sex. Just... use it to get him to go out with you. But don't make him forget about it. Don't tell him how to feel. Just ... make him go out with you. Make him stay long enough to give you a chance."

"You’re serious."

"Yeah."

"I don't... I can't believe you're saying this."

"Well... maybe I don't think you're the worst thing that could happen to him right now. He could use people in his life who care about him."

“Even evil vampires.”

“You’re not evil.”

He didn't know what to say to that. So he didn't say anything. He just nodded and left.

***

Alaric closed the fridge and turned around to find Damon standing behind him in the Gilbert kitchen. He somehow managed to control his reaction and not drop the mayo jar or scream. But he had no doubt Damon had seen him flinch and heard his heartbeat fluctuate. He couldn’t hide his reaction completely.

“Don’t you ever knock, wait for somebody to actually let you in?”

“If I did that, I’d still be standing on the front porch.”

“Exactly.”

Damon smiled at him. “Good to see you too, Ric.”

Alaric smeared mayo on a slice of bread and started layering turkey and cheese and tomatoes. Pretend he’s not here and he’ll go away. That was his motto these days.

“Ric.”

He sighed and looked up. “What?”

Damon stepped closer and held his gaze. “Come to dinner with me.”

Huh, he thought. Compulsion. He hadn’t thought Damon would actually go there, even after he’d dangled the “not on vervain anymore” carrot in front of him. It had been a lie, of course. A test of sorts. But now he wondered if maybe he should play along.

He nodded and set down his sandwich. “I’ll get my jacket,” he said. He headed to the front hall and used the moment of having his back turned to pull himself together. How should he act? It’s not like he could remember the times he’d actually been compelled to do things. It seemed like other people under compulsion behaved pretty normally in his experience. Except for the whole doing whatever they were told part, of course.

He slipped into his jacket and turned to the door. Damon already had it open for him. They left the house and Alaric had to keep himself from laughing at the very idea of being on a dinner date with Damon.

***

Damon had made reservations at Chez Sang, even requesting the chef’s table in the kitchen. As the maitre d’ directed them to their table, he wondered if he should “release” Alaric from the compulsion or let the charade continue. He’d hadn’t even tried to use compulsion, just leaned in close and spoke his words. He knew it was a game. He just couldn’t figure out what actions would leave Alaric feeling like he’d won. Damon had spent the entire drive trying to figure out what to do next. Finally he settled on letting it play out. If Alaric was playing along, so would Damon.

Alaric needed to be in control, Damon could give him that. It’s not like he hadn’t ceded control to Katherine a billion times.

They were seated and the chef came over to greet them. He explained the series of small plates he’d planned for them, each with a special wine pairing, and had his sous chef serve them their first course.

Dinner was wonderful. Conversation, on the other hand, was slow to come. Damon asked Alaric about school and his answers were to the point. He asked how he was sleeping and Alaric hesitated for just a moment before saying, “Fine.” Had Damon actually tried to compel him, that hesitation would have been a red flag that Alaric was still on the vervain. But he pretended not to notice and simply said, “Good. Elena’s been worried about you.”

Alaric nodded. “I know.”

“I’m worried about you too.”

“Don’t be,” he said too quickly. Damon watched his throat as Alaric swallowed and said, “I mean… I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

The chef brought over a fruit and cheese plate for their final course and poured each a half glass of Riesling. Damon picked up a slice of dried pear with his fingers and fed it to Alaric, surprised when he accepted it. He met Alaric’s gaze and held it, transfixed. “I want you.”

“I know.”

“No,” Damon said, breaking eye contact. “You don’t.” He took a sip of his wine and winced at the sweetness. He wanted a Scotch and signaled one of the kitchen staff. “Laphroaig on the rocks.” The kid nodded and went out the doors to the main restaurant.

When he had his Scotch in hand, he looked up at Alaric again. He’d not moved, not touched the dessert or his wine. He just sat there, staring just past Damon’s left ear. “I know you’re not compelled,” Damon finally said.

Alaric’s gaze snapped to him at that. “I--”

“I know because I didn’t even try to compel you. Plus, you’re a horrible faker.” Damon rolled his eyes and shook his head at Alaric. “And I never believed for a minute that you stopped the vervain. Not with Klaus and Stefan’s current state.”

“So why the ruse?”

Damon shrugged and knocked back the rest of his Scotch. “Seemed like it was what you needed for whatever reason.”

“And you just want to give me everything I need?” Now it was his turn for the eye rolling and his voice was thick with sarcasm. Damon let it go without comment. Compared to Katherine, dealing with Alaric was a breeze.

“Yes.” He was serious. He meant it. “I do. Like I said, I worry about you. I care about you.”

“Oh god, you’ve been watching daytime soaps again, haven’t you.”

Damon laughed. “Nah, just Dr. Phil. Puts me in touch with my emotions.” He pressed a hand to chest, over his heart.

“Whatever.” Alaric pulled his napkin from his lap and dropped it on his plate. “Since the charade’s over, can we just get out of here?”

Damon kept his face a mask of cheeriness, despite how the words cut him. “Sure.” The bill was already taken care of, so he slipped from his chair and motioned for Alaric to lead the way.

***

The car ride home was even more awkward than dinner or the ride there had been. Neither spoke until Damon pulled up in the Gilbert driveway. Before Alaric could reach for the door handle, Damon was already there, opening the door for him.

Alaric huffed a laugh. “Ever the gentleman,” he said. “I suppose you’ll insist on walking me to the door.”

“Wouldn’t want anything bad to happen,” Damon replied. “I’ve heard evil things live in the darkness around Mystic Falls.”

“Really? You don’t say?” Alaric smiled before he could stop himself.

Damon kept step with him up to the front door then they turned to face each other.

“Dinner was … good,” he forced himself to say. “And … I’m sorry about the ruse.”

Damon shrugged. “I just wanted you to have a nice night for a change.”

Alaric swallowed. “I did.” It was true. Things were awkward, but the food had been good. The company not too terrible. He liked Damon fine, he just—

Damon’s mouth was on his. A hand sliding up his neck to hold his head as Damon teased his lips open with his tongue. Alaric gasped and Damon pressed their bodies closer. Against his better judgment, he melted into it and kissed back.

He’d never been kissed so thoroughly. It seemed to go on forever and when Damon finally pulled back, Alaric sucked in a deep breath. He dipped his head and looked down at their feet. He bit his lip and tried to pull himself together.

“I’ll uh… let you…” He looked up to see Damon fidgeting and starting to move to the steps. He reached out and caught him by the wrist.

“Would you like to come in for a drink?” he asked.

Damon tipped his head to the side a bit, a question in his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Alaric opened the door and shrugged out of his jacket as Damon came in behind him. The house was dark, Elena and Jeremy both still out. He moved toward the kitchen and was pleased to hear Damon’s footsteps behind him.

They’d have one drink, maybe another kiss, and Alaric would ask Damon out to dinner next.

The end

Yuletide reveal

2012-01-02T01:21:54Z

So while I got a lovely Boardwalk Empire story as a gift this year -- The Last Days of Angela Darmody: A Eulogy in Five Parts by V (vmarigoldabrams) -- the real joy this Yuletide was in the writing.

Because I am crazy, I wrote three stories. One assignment and two pinch-hits. I am pleased with all three of them, but have to say that my Stop-Loss story is one of my most favorite things I've ever written.

At War With Ourselves (4463 words)
Fandom: Stop-Loss
Rating: Mature
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Steve Shriver/Michelle, Steve Shriver/Brandon King, Brandon King/Michelle/Steve Shriver
Characters: Brandon King, Steve Shriver, Michelle
Summary:

Brandon's world was turned upside down in the movie. This picks up just before the end and shows us what comes next in his life and how Steve and Michelle fit in.

Written for azewewish.

Insignificant/Important (1083 words)
Fandom: Remember Me
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Ally Craig, Aiden Hall, Caroline Hawkins, Diane Hawkins
Summary:

Ally moving forward with her life and her relationships with Caroline and Aiden.

Written for mozartsfriend

Saddle Oxfords and Stiletto Boots (1583 words)
Fandom: St Trinian's (2007 2009)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Annabelle Fritton/Kelly Jones
Characters: Annabelle Fritton, Kelly Jones
Summary:

Annabelle visits Kelly a few months after the Globe.

Written for melodiousb

Goals for 2012

2011-12-29T17:25:03Z

So 2011 has been the hardest year of my life, personally. I've dealt with a lot of shit over the last 12 months, some which I've shared here, some which I haven't. And as I posted about recently, I've ended up in a pretty severe depression. I'm getting that taken care of, but one of my problems when depressed is self-motivation. I had been toying with making myself some written goals and then saw Nicole Is Better's blog post on her goal system. At first I read through her steps and thought, no way. I can't come up with 9 "life buckets" and then 3 goals for each of them. But as I spent time over the last few weeks thinking about real goals for the coming year (not resolutions, if it were August, these would be Sept-Aug goals, I just timed my trip to the doctor perfectly for making a fresh start now), I realized that it wasn't so hard after all. In fact, when I really think about it, I could probably come up with more.

My 2011 "Eff Yeah" moments/achievements:
- I learned to cross-country ski. (I still need lots of practice, but I took a lesson and I've gone out since the first lesson. So I consider this an absolute accomplishment of something I've wanted to do for a few years now.)
- I wrote two grants for work and we got them both!
- I managed two non-profit bulk mailings!
- I got a good job. (This was a huge part of my depression, being unemployed and not getting responses to resumes. So actually getting a job that's a good job was huge for me.)
- I made it through the year as treasurer for Search & Rescue. (I'm not sure anything else has given me this much anxiety in years, but I stuck to it. I had made the committment and I finished my term despite wanting to just quit more than once. I'm really proud of myself for this, because this was a challenge that taught me things about who I am.)
- I dragged my ass to the doctor (finally), for the help I desperately need. I keep patting myself on the back for this because it was hard, yo.

My big picture word for 2012 -- Healthy
What that means:
- Being in a good place mentally so that I'm not just getting by, but succeeding in life again.
- Get more exercise as that reflects back on my mental health as well as physical.
- Eat better. (Lay off the fried foods I crave when I'm down.)

My 9 "life buckets" and 3 goals for each in 2012:
1. Food/Diet
- Consume more good dairy. Try to have milk or yogurt every day.
- Eat more fruit.
- Explore new recipes and break out of the same boring dinners every week.

2. Ski/Bike (depending on month)
- ski or bike once a week
- Complete a 40+ mile bike ride
- have a cross-country ski adventure (day trip with friends!)

3. Writing
- write one NYR fic each month through October
- write a freakin' novel (it's not like I don't have ideas)
- write something (non-work related) every day

4. Reading
- keep listening to audiobooks on my commute and while walking the dog (when I forget why, it's because they make me happy, dammit!)
- read three books of poetry or about poetry/poets
- read three "classics" I've never read (or never finished)

5. Work
- keep watching for a better paying, but still emotionally fulfilling job
- stay on top of projects
- learn, learn, learn (my job is a great opportunity to expand my skills)

6. Search & Rescue
- go to trainings (except when work conflicts)
- respond to more missions
- be a better mentor

7. Fitness/Health
- Drink more water and less alcohol
- do more yoga or stretching
- more strength training

8. Family
- improved sex life (depression is not my friend here)
- more family days with Chris and Buddy
- let Chris take care of me more emotionally

9. House
- clean my freaking office!
- clean out the closets and donate stuff
- start some kind of garden box this summer

moosesal @ 2011-12-27T14:51:00

2011-12-27T21:51:58Z

I'm wearing my new skirt and some fun socks today! And I have trivia tonight.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

moosesal @ 2011-12-25T19:03:00

2011-12-26T02:03:20Z

Today is the birthday of someone very, very special. ~~Baby Jesus~~ turnonmyheels!!! If she comes back as a zombie after she dies, we'll know she was actually Jesus. But I don't think Jesus could make it through one of her spin classes, so I'm thinking she's Satan's kid instead of God's.

Love you, B!

In other news... I skied today. 8 runs for a total of 8.9 miles according to my ski app. There's a final trip to get to the base that didn't show up because I'd turned it off already. My top speed -- 44.8 mph. (Let's not talk about how I decided not to wear my helmet today. I didn't crash so it worked out okay.) My average speed though was 13.6mph, which makes sense since we've still got limited terrain and I had several runs on green around ~~Texans~~ non-skiers.

There is a pot of white chicken "chili" on the stove simmering for dinner. I have a copy of Fast Five that I picked up at Target yesterday just waiting for Chris to come home to watch together. And I'm reading Yuletide fics.

B -- there's a Die Hard fic that is NOT slash. It's John/Holly -- a look at their marriage over the years. If you're interested.

Oh and yesterday I scored FOUR cashmere sweaters and a cordoroy skirt at Ann Taylor Factory store for less than $200 total. Definitely worth the drive to Summit County.