As I reminisce my reoccurring dreams...
I'm obviously not fine. Actually, I think I'm emotionally on my last string. Every night I have these dreams that basically blame me for getting sick and showing me I threw my old life away for this current, much more shitty one. I wake up with a headache, and I'm bawling all the time; it's not a way to live. This is not easy for me at all. To clarify, I had Viral Meningitis for about 6 days in July of 2011, which basically wiped all my muscle memory from my brain. I had to learn how to speak, hold a spoon (!) and walk all over again. Now, that sounds scary, and being a year later, I'm almost back at full speed before I got sick. Almost.
The key word here is almost. I mean, I can't get my 19th year back, so I just have to have more fun at 20 to make up for it! But in all seriousness, I didn't just lose my ability to do mundane stuff like walking and dressing myself, I lost threeimportant super important abilities: the ability to draw, to write quickly and most importantly, the ability to sing.
Now, I'm working on drawing, and I was taking an art class at community college. I'll say, for starting from zero a year ago, I got pretty damn good.
(Picture Later)
Writing is somewhat the same thing, and I type a lot more as well, although I am practicing on my good old Moleskines.
Those two I do not have a problem with. However, the hardest thing I still can't even remotely do is sing. And for people who knew what I sounded like, it seems like some sick joke.
I'm the one that is standing on the platform behind the guy.
It's not like the generic "music is my life" thing people say only to find fame and fortune; for me, music was my way to feel like I was living. It curbed some of my depression and anxiety through the beauty and love of expression through song. It's not bullshit; I'm serious. I felt like it was the only thing I had that wasn't so criticized in a negative way; my art was always too abstract and my writing was too elusive but my voice was always "strong" and "beautiful".
Honestly, being a Muslim girl, I was raised by knowing you shouldn't try too hard to beautify yourself and not focus on petty stuff like getting people to like you. However, I never had any confidence in myself and I never associated myself with being even remotely attractive. When I began singing, especially in high school, people saw beyond my bitchy-girl attitude and began to see me as an actual human. It was so nice, and I felt for once, I didn't have to hide behind a rude demeanor to get anywhere.
And now it's gone. What the hell should I do now?
The key word here is almost. I mean, I can't get my 19th year back, so I just have to have more fun at 20 to make up for it! But in all seriousness, I didn't just lose my ability to do mundane stuff like walking and dressing myself, I lost three
Now, I'm working on drawing, and I was taking an art class at community college. I'll say, for starting from zero a year ago, I got pretty damn good.
(Picture Later)
Writing is somewhat the same thing, and I type a lot more as well, although I am practicing on my good old Moleskines.
Those two I do not have a problem with. However, the hardest thing I still can't even remotely do is sing. And for people who knew what I sounded like, it seems like some sick joke.
I'm the one that is standing on the platform behind the guy.
It's not like the generic "music is my life" thing people say only to find fame and fortune; for me, music was my way to feel like I was living. It curbed some of my depression and anxiety through the beauty and love of expression through song. It's not bullshit; I'm serious. I felt like it was the only thing I had that wasn't so criticized in a negative way; my art was always too abstract and my writing was too elusive but my voice was always "strong" and "beautiful".
Honestly, being a Muslim girl, I was raised by knowing you shouldn't try too hard to beautify yourself and not focus on petty stuff like getting people to like you. However, I never had any confidence in myself and I never associated myself with being even remotely attractive. When I began singing, especially in high school, people saw beyond my bitchy-girl attitude and began to see me as an actual human. It was so nice, and I felt for once, I didn't have to hide behind a rude demeanor to get anywhere.
And now it's gone. What the hell should I do now?