Mojo's Kingdom

Picspam: Gossip Girl VS Hana Yori Dango

mojotastic — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:57:00 GMT

SO! I've been planning to do this picspam since last year but have been too lazy to get around to it. And sort of rightly so, as it took me FOREVER. But now, it is completed in all of it's glory so that everyone can acknowledge that Gossip Girl is truly American Hanadan.

I've tried to keep it as spoiler-lite as possible, under the circumstances, but there will be some spoilers for Hanadan's whole run and both seasons of Gossip Girl.

First! Some background on the two shows, for those not familiar to either.

Hana Yori Dango is the story of Makino Tsukushi, a poor girl who goes to an expensive elite high school. This high school is ruled over by a group of super rich douchebags called F4. It's short for Flower Four. (I know. The lulz just keep coming, trust me.) The leader and borderline serial killer of F4 is Domyouji Tsukasa. The story follows our heroine who enjoys punching people in the face for great justice as she becomes close to F4. Love triangles, tiara stealing ninjas, a beauty contest, multiple fiancees and group fight sequences ensue. I've often described the show as what would happen if you mixed Pride and Prejudice with Gossip Girl and then took that result and put it on crack.

Gossip Girl is the story of a group of Upper East Siders in New York who are filthy rich, mostly awesome and occasionally evil. Their life is narrated by Gossip Girl, a TMZ-like gossip site that follows the lives of these NY prep school kids. The show follows Blair Waldorf, the scariest queen bee ever and Serena van der Woodsen, whose mysterious disappearance and reappearance starts out the show. It also has Dan and Jenny Humphrey, borderline poor kids who go to the rich UES schools. Filling out our cast of main characters are Nate Archibald: professional manwhore and Chuck Bass: professional stalker and all-around creepy creepster.

Now that we've had that primer? ONTO THE PICSPAM! Here are the many, many, MANY ways that Gossip Girl and Hana Yori Dango are cut from the same cloth. Sadly, I could have probably figured out more, but I didn't want to be doing this for the rest of my life.

#1 Poor Kids/ Rich Bitches

Our plucky heroines (yes, I'm counting Dan here too) are from the wrong side of the tracks and going to an exclusive school filled with bitchy rich kids. Like Dan, Makino has adopted the possum method of dealing with this situation by trying to become as unobtrusive as possible. In Makino's defense, I doubt Dan ever had to face down the possibility of the mean girls surrounding him and pelting him with eggs. Jenny, meanwhile, faces this dilemma by trying to join the mean girl hierarchy.

#2 Bullying: Rich Bitches Do It Right.
First off, I think the best part of this comparison was just HOW MANY examples I found of it. Both shows are really based around the idea of bullying and it's such a prevalent theme that I probably could have found way more examples.

In Hanadan it's a red card and in Gossip Girl is a GG blast but in both shows it leads nowhere good. The red card is given out by F4 for a variety of offenses against them, including accidentally squinting lemon juice in their eye. (IDK I sort of get that one. That shit hurts!) On Gossip Girl, Kristen Bell's voiceover sends out blasts to the whole school's phone saying that you are a slut.

Unsurprisingly, both scenarios ended up with you being pelted with various food stuffs.

In both cases our league of extraordinary bitches is usually at the forefront of doling out the punishment.

You're also probably going to have your dinner ruined in some capacity. Whether that means having Domyouji stomp on your lobster or being stood up at Butter depends on how hardcore batshit the people you are dealing with are. Like Little J? About a 5. Domyouji? Like a 9.

Also, there appear to be a lot of shoe-related incidents? Shoe bullying is apparently really in right now. Like either Domyouji is trying to convince Makino to lick the soy sauce off his shoe or Penelope is trying to get Nelly Yuki to remove the Pinkberry on her shoe by hand. (Again, crazy points to Domyouji.) Thankfully Rui and Little J come to the rescue.

Also! The whole school might gather around if you get a red note and beat the shit out of you. Conversely, if you try to befriend the mean girls, it's likely they'll leave you in a locked store to be arrested by the police. Ah. Friendship.

#3 Mean Girls Love Headbands.

Both shows have a group of mean girls that sort of flutter in and out of the show. They matter much less on Hanadan than they do on Gossip Girl, where the league of extraordinary bitches have sort of developed distinct personalities. The one thing both groups do share, however, is a love of headbands. Also, of pelting people with food and messing with their clothes. (The mean girls give Vanessa a see-through dress. On Hanadan the mean girls cut up Makino's outfit for the fashion challenge in the Teen of Japan contest.)

#4 Non-Judging Breakfast Club? Meet F4!

In F4 we have Domyouji Tsukasa, Hanazawa Rui, Nishkado Soujiro and Mimasaka Akira. All super rich, although Domyoji clocks in as the richest. In the Non-Judging Breakfast Club we have Chuck Bass, Nate Archibald, Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen.

Four super hot, super slutty, super awesome people ruling the school? Where have I heard that one before?

Both groups tend to get in fights sometimes. Often these fights end in actual physical altercations in which our friends beat the crap out of each other and then go "lol sorry! Let's be BFF 4 L again!"

#5. The main friendship duo is totally in ambiguously gay love with each other.
Ok dudes, this is where we break it down! Since there are two super gay friends in GG, I've grouped the shows together instead of doing the side by side comparison.

Domyouji and Rui: guy love between two guys! Seriously, they are my faves. When Rui says he's going to Paris for awhile Domyouji goes insane, nearly weeps and watches the plane as it takes off like a 5-year-old. Their guylove even has a symbol, as they're always tossing apples at each other. Also, they do that totally dumb yet adorable chest bump/pointing thing.

Likewise, Chuck and Nate have an epic guylove that cannot be matched. Although their super gayness has abated somewhat in the second season, in the first season Nate was practically living with Chuck. Chuck actually said this line: Look Nathaniel there are three things I care about in this world: money, the pleasure money brings, and you. They've been having some ~relationship issues~ in season two but at least they got back to playing basketball in amazing outfits. I'm sure they'll work through everything else eventually too.

Blair and Serena are like one episode away from their very-special lesbian episode. Like Hanadan, they are pretty much THE friendship OTP on the show. Like both Rui/Domyouji and Chuck/Nate they do their fair amount of fighting but end up just deciding they love each other too much to break up. Like Domyouji, Blair has no idea what to do with herself when her bestie leaves her.

#6. Chuck = Domyouji

SO MANY THINGS ARE THE SAME. Let's see. A pseudo-serial killer/rapist with a heart of gold? check. Mommy/Daddy issues? Check. Professional stalker? Check. Yay limos? Check. Buying places for no apparent reason? Check. Insane workplace drama that has no basis in reality? Check! A complete inability to deal with his emotions in any kind of normal way? CHECK AND MATE. Seriously. If you like a girl you don't orchestrate a social coup so that she will like you again. Nor do you send her family antique furniture and buy her a gold-plated 'couples phone' before you've been on a date. Here are some more things they share:

FASHION

Their fashion sense is really one of a kind. There's a reason why I have a Chuck/Domyouji Fashion OTP icon. It's because they really are a fashion OTP. They would probably die of happiness if they got to go shopping together. Domyouji could introduce Chuck to some more INSANE FUR TRIMS for his coats. Meanwhile, Chuck could pass on his love of argyle and bowties. It would be a win-win.

LIMO STALKING

Both Chuck and Domyouji know that the proper way to stalk your lady love is from the comfort and saftey of your limo. It gives greater mobility for targets on the move, plus minibar!
WORKPLACE DRAMA

Both Chuck and Domyouji inherit jobs WAY above their experience and age-range and yet are expected to preform them well. In both workplace situations they are tricked into doing what their caretaker wants them to do. Mama Domyouji accomplishes this with a fake suicide. Uncle Jack Bass with some hookers and blow and a morality clause.

MOMMY/DADDY ISSUES

Both have issues with their aloof parents. Although major props go here to Bart Bass, who only really ever wanted Chuck to stop being such a psychopath and maybe attend school sometimes and stop sleeping with all the Palace staff. While Mama Domyouji was spawned directly from hell, never really stopped trying to ruin Domyouji's life and still got a better send off than poor Bart. We miss you and your one facial expression Bart!

DRAMA QUEENS

Sometimes, when life gets hard, the only way to express your feelings is in the most drama queenly way possible. This tends to be how Chuck and Domyouji deal with all their problems. For Chuck, this means getting wasted and yelling "I'm Chuck Bass" while nearly falling off a rooftop. For Domyouji, this means a lot of SCREAMING and occasionally throwing potted plants at innocent bystanders.

MUST <3 SCARVES

Ok, this mostly applies to Chuck and his trademark scarf. (I miss the scarf! Can we get rid of Vanessa and make the scarf a new cast member?) But Domyouji also rocks the scarves occasionally.

ROLLS WITH A POSSE

#7. LOVE TRIANGLE ALERT!

Domyouji/Makino/Rui = Chuck/Blair/Nate. Let's see, we have a triangle of a crazy pseudo serial killer, a bad ass chick who likes to punch people in the face and a dude so lazy he scopes out places at school to nap. In this corner we have a creepy stalker, a bad ass chick who will kill your fucking dog for fun so don't test her, and a dude so perpetually confused that there is no difference between Nate-on-pot and Regular-Nate. Also it should probably be noted that both Nate and Rui share similar face-eating hair styles. Although Rui's face eating hair progressed much further in it's decent to take over his face.

In both love triangles Blair/Makino are trying to hold onto their ideal prince rather than embracing the fact that they are in love with the creepy dude stalking them from the bushes. This is somewhat understandable, but the power of the OTP is inevitable. Both love triangles also threaten the guylove. I look forward to when Blair/Nate can become friends like Rui/Makino though. I love Rui and Makino's relationship. I mean, who wouldn't be a little bit in love with Hanazawa Rui?

#8. The OTP= Do not piss them off.

Makino and Domyouji? Meet Blair and Chuck. Both show-OTPs share a lot of things in common. One of them is that they have pretty kisses.

Seriously. Would you want Blair and Chuck after you? Domyouji and Makino? She punched a bear in the face and it went out cold. What would she do to you?

Also both OTPs play I-love-you Russian roulette and are completely incapable of dealing with their feelings in any kind of normal or healthy way.

Both OTPS are sort of abusive. Blair is always pulling Chuck's hair or stomping on his foot. Makino and Domyouji's ~lurve~ started when she punched him in the face.

Makino only hits you because she loves you Domyouji! How dare you dodge that!

Both couples have a hand-holding moment before a drop. For Chuck, Blair talks him down and they hug. Unfortunately, Domyouji is much less lucky and ends up falling off a drop and getting amnesia.

Both Domyouji and Chuck get their ladies dresses for the prom. Sadly, Makino never actually gets to wear hers.

Both love back hugs.

#9. In the face of personal tragedy, both OTP heroes become douches.

After the suicide of Ken and the death of Bart, both Domyouji and Chuck become huge assholes to Makino/Blair.

Seriously Domyouji, ignoring Makinos calls for months? Avoiding her in New York when she came all the way to see you? Not letting her punch you right in the face? WTF dude? It's like I don't even know you.

Similary, Chuck. Being mean to Blair after she finally drops the ILU bomb? Running off to Thailand for hookers and blow? More stuff with hookers and blow? Trying to save a ho? What is it with you and hookers dude? Not cool.

Also, when their lives fall apart, they exchange locales. If in Asia, head to NYC. If in NYC, go directly to Asia for hookers and blow.

#10. OTPs and Necklaces.

I have no comments here really except PRETTTTY.

#11. OTPs need sleep too!

Both OTPs have a sleep-cute! Domyouji and Makino end up getting stuck in an elevator for the night. Blair and Chuck fall asleep while plotting Georgina's downfall. Aw, how precious.

Both couples also have a callback to the sleep-cute during a tumult time in their relationship. Domyouji's FACE in that last cap is amazing! lol!

#12. Oh! Imagine meeting you here!!

This was probably the scene that sparked the whole idea for the picspam. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. It never fails to crack me up.

So Domyouji pulls up on Makino, rolls down the window and then DOUBLE TAKES. Like he hasn't just been stalking her the whole time.

Similarily, Chuck pulls up on Blair after getting out of some random church she's not even a member of all "FANCY MEETING YOU HERE" and then invites her to breakfast. I think that's my favorite part. That he stalks her and then is like "lol waffle time?"

Their reactions to this creepster behavior are priceless.

Of course, Domyouji actually chases after her (all in the name of giving her a ride to school!) while Chuck just sort of stays in the limo and pouts.

#13.Stuck in an elevator of ~feelings~

Both shows had a trapped in an elevator episode. When Gossip Girl did this storyline in Dark Night I actually flapped my hands about because OMG HANADAN. Sadly, it was not nearly as awesome as the Hanadan scenes.

Both shows include an escape attempt that goes comically awry. Points again to Hanadan for having Makino yelling about how Domyouji didn't wash his hands after he went to the bathroom while hanging off the elevator ledge.

Although, to be fair, the Gossip Girl variation has Dan jumping like an idiot and wiping out. Which was satisfying.

#14.Dorota = Nishida

Both loyal, awesome and not paid nearly enough for the shit they have to put up with. Both a little over-invested in their young charge's love life.

#15. Kid, I'm gonna teach you how to live!

Both Domyouji and Chuck take little brothers under their wing to teach them the ways of being awesome. This mostly consists of wearing scarves and styling hair. Occasionally some light surveillance lessons. Also they drop some knowledge on the love life front. Although we sadly don't really see Chuck and Eric talking about his love life much. We should get more of that, I'm sure Chuck is an excellent wingman.

The sisters both suspect that something much more devious is going on. I'm pretty sure Serena thought that Chuck was going to sell some of Eric's organs on the black market.

#16. We're whoring you for great justice son!

Both Domyouji and Nate are whored out by their parents for the good of the business. For Domyouji this means an arranged marriage with the daughter of a major company. For Nate this means continual whoring to Blair for a business deal. Sadly, this proved to be only the beginning of Nate's life of prostitution.

#17. My rebound has a SECRET IDENTITY.

In Hanadan, Toma is all "I'm an unassuming student...WHOOP I'm a model!" I love the dramatic gesture of pulling the hair back to reveal "OMG I'M HOT". While Blair's summer fling "James" drops this knowledge on her. "My name isn't James. It's Marcus. I'm British and a Lord." LOLOL!

Also I just realized that it happens at a similar time, timeline-wise when Chuck/Domyouji has ditched Makino/Blair and she wants to get even! Sexily! With photoshoots in HYD's case because that's the Japanese equivalent of sexily getting even.

#18. Do not trust crazy models!
Seriously. If there's one thing to take away from these shows, this is the moral of the story kids. Look at their eyes and answer this question: are they crazy? No, guys, no! I know they're hot. I'm saying ARE THOSE SOME CRAZY EYES? If the answer is yes, than chances are they will kidnap you. Or very, very slowly burn all your clothes thus ruining your career for ever and ever and ever.

It starts out well enough. You guys go out and party and have a creepy friend of hers take a million pictures of you in ~edgy~ black and white. Or he'll point out how you remind him of Joan of Arc because you stand up for people. It's all good times and it seems like you've made a new friend! A hot new friend!

Of course, there are crazy warning signs along the way. Like if you get upset that you ended up on a magazine cover and he starts crying and begging you to be his friend. Or if your new bestie starts taking you to RISD student crack dens to listen to Tatu while stripping. Or wears John Lennon glasses and a giant crazy hat. That outfit is just a warning in itself that some bad shit might be about to go down.

Which of course it does. So now your new hot model friend has kidnapped you. Or burned all of your clothes (really, really slowly burned them. But still.) Thus the moral of the story: do not trust crazy models. It's all fun and games until all your hard work goes up in flames in a trash can.

#19. Accidental Modeling!

In both cases neither Makino or Serena intended to become models. It just sort of happens. Makino is upset that she's on a magazine cover. While Serena is like "LOL AWESOME! Catwalk! Photo-op! Hold on, let me get my blue steel ready!"

#20. Oh highschool. There's always that one crazy bitch that wants to cut your face off. Or show your boyfriend the snuff film you guys made.

Sakurako = Georgina Sparks? Both come from similar crazy ass crazy stock.

Both act like your BFF while secretly plotting your destruction. Both just want the objects of their affection to notice them/be friends again.

Both change their personalities to suit their ~dastardly plans~ which aren't actually dastardly so much as weirdly un-thought yet time consuming. You know there had to be a straighter path to messing with Serena than pretending to be a girl named Sarah and befriending Dan. This plan forced her to spend time with Dan AND Vanessa. There had to be an easier way, is all I'm saying.

Both draw their crazy powers from their slutty outfits/eyeliner of evil.

Both have RUFFIED SOMEONE BEFORE. With similar results as their friends wake up going "WTF where am I?" Hilarity points to Georgina (and not just for that insane and amazing winking cap) for coming in the day after all "lulz! What a fun time! Breakfast anyone?". It's becoming obvious that Georgina probably taught Chuck some creepster tactics.

Both try to make their friends star in porn. Both then hold this over their friend's head and threaten to (or actually do) show it to their boyfriend. Although in Serena's case it's more of a snuff film.

It should be said again: both are COMPLETE CRAZY. Mess with Sakurako and you'll get your face cut off. Georgina will steal your boyfriend and sell your pony for coke. Do not get on their bad sides.

WHEW! That was epic. Props to anyone who got through that. Also major props to topazera who brainstormed with me at 2 in the morning.

Obviously please don't steal or hotlink the caps. As you might have been able to tell, this took forever. If you do, I'll probably cry or send Dorota after you.

Enjoy!

Picspam: The 15 Reasons To Accept that D-Wars is the best movie EVER.

mojotastic — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:13:14 GMT

Ok hold the phone, you're saying. First off what is D-Wars? Why haven't I ever heard of it? Isn't that the dude from Roswell? Why is he wearing bling? Is that a dino with a rocket launcher? How is this the best movie ever?

This picspam will answer all these questions and more. Get ready to take a magical journey into a movie so full of unintentional laughter that my sides hurt after watching.

The 15 Reasons To Accept That D-WARS is the Best Movie Ever!

First, a little background: pinkspots has been telling me for ages how D-Wars was the greatest movie of our or any time. But I was like "I don't believe that anything could be that bad!" So finally, we watched it. MY GOD. My life has never been the same.

Reason 1: The 70s called and they want your wardrobe back!

I know what you're thinking. "Oh but it's set in a Watchmen-like alternative universe where it's always the 70s and Nixon is still president!" No. No it's not. This is present day. AND YET THE MUSTARD JACKET CONTINUES TO EXIST. I really don't know what the worst crime against fashion is here. Is it the mustard blazer? That weird stripped shirt *paired* with the mustard blazer? Or is it, by chance, the fact that Jason Behr is sporting what can only be described as 70s porn hair? I have no idea. I can't choose. It's all just so terrible. He looks like an extra from Swingtown! It also kills me that he has that blazer is dark brown too. It's much less lol-worthy in the brown but still. The first one is so bad, why get multiples!?

Reason 2: See my BLING? I got it at Claire's! I will continue to wear it like a big girl all movie!

As we were watching the movie I just couldn't get over the fact that he would just wear his girly looking magical bling around all the time. But ok, fine, it makes him feel pretty. He started out wearing it underneath his shirt, where the ugliness couldn't burn my eyes. BUT THEN. Then he starts wearing it around like a regular necklace or, more appropriately, a Mr. T chain. THE WHOLE MOVIE HE WEARS IT. I couldn't stop laughing.
mojotastic: Wait....he's really just going to wear that necklace that he got at Claire's all movie?
pinkspots: Yes. Yes he is.
mojotastic: But how does anyone take him seriously wearing that necklace?! How are we susposed to take anything seriously when he's wearing something from the Jessica Simpson collection around his neck?
pinkspots: .......
mojotastic: Right. Forgot what I was watching.

Of course, later the necklace becomes ~magical~ and dazzles the shit out of everyone like it's made of Edward Cullen. Max has the necklace of a KILLA!

Reason 3: Papa Petrelli from Heroes continues to be a bad actor!

For anyone who's ever seen Heroes, it's not exactly a ~shock~ that this dude is a horrible actor. His hilariously bad monotone is much the same here as it was on Heroes. Only now he's playing a guy that owns a magical pawn shop where Jason Behr's father is trying to pawn something. Probably so he can afford to buy Jason Behr some era-appropriate clothing?

But THEN! Papa Petrelli does this weird crazy bug eyed thing and is like "LOL OH NOES I'M DYING" and Jason Behr's father is like "I will get you medical attention if you give me a better price!" And Papa Petrelli is like "LOL OK GET ME SOME HERBS DON'T CALL THE DOCTOR! I SWEAR I'M NOT FAKING JUST TO BE ALONE, CREEPILY WITH YOUR YOUNG SON!" And so Jason Behr's father leaves his son with this random creepy pawn shop dude. I'm not joking. He's like "Wow! You'll give me that much? Cool! You can have my son, I didn't like him that much anyway!" Apparently he went to the Rufus Humphrey school of parenting.

So after he gets rid of the kid's dad he proceeds to tell him this long, involved story. I will get to that in a second. What's important here is that when he starts telling the story, they're just sitting on that bench talking. When he finishes telling the story HE HAS A BOWL OF SOUP. So somewhere, in the midst of telling that story he got up, found a kitchen in that dank warehouse, made himself some soup (just for himself! None for the little boy!) and then sat back down preparing for the flashback to end. OMG THE LULZ! I love how he just sips the soup too and the little boy is looking at him like 'You're such an asshole'.

Reason 4: Flashbacks within flashbacks with flashforwards within the flashbacks!

So after Jason Behr (his character has a name. I don't remember it so he will be either Jason Behr or MAXXX for this picspam) sees a ~mysterious~ dragon scale he has a flashback to his childhood. THIS IS WHEN THE MANY FLASHBACKS BEGIN. I have put a flashback count because it is important to remember how many flashbacks we are at in any current moment.

So he opens some box that contains the essence of Edward Cullen and it dazzles the shit out of him. So then creepy pawn shop dude begins to tell him a story about Korea and suddenly WE ARE IN ANOTHER FLASHBACK. Within the flashback we're already in. It's a flashback within a flashback bbs!

Except we're not done! Because the flashback within a flashback starts when Jason Behr's former asian self was a little bb and then FLASHFORWARDS to when he was older and in ~lurve~. So now for all those playing at home we have a flashforward within a flashback within a flashback.

Origins of the Claire's broach! It is important and meaningful and has magical powers. Or it was on sale for %50 off. I don't really remember. ALSO pay special attention to the canon. This is what the palace guards have. Era-appropriate weapons. The dinos however...

HAVE BAZOOKAS! (Which I realize I spelled wrong on the picture but I'm too lazy to redo or try and fix it. So they also have bazooks! Which is maybe the medieval variety of bazookas? WHO KNOWS?)

So Ye!Olde!Asian!Jason Behr decides to save the girl instead of letting her turn into a dragon and there's this pretty shot before they jump off a cliff together Thelma and Louise style. ALSO! Broach gets more airtime than most of the rest of the cast.

Reason 5: LOLOL INSERT KOREAN THINGS HERE!

So this movie was either adapted from a Korean movie or based off a Korean legend. But besides the lulz inherent in hearing the whitest white people try to pronounce Korean names there is also the lulz of random Korean things popping up in the movie. Our heroine just happens to have a random book full of asian symbol in her kitchen utensil drawer! (I guess this helps with cooking? 'What the next ingredient? Butterfly, happy, life! Got it!")Then she goes crazy and puts the pages of the book all over the wall.

Except as far as I can tell there isn't any actual Korean on the pages? LOL! I honestly don't know much about Korean besides what I've learned from Full House and other dramas. But I know a bit about Japanese and that looks like some kanji to me. If their former selves were Korean why did they write with Chinese characters? Oh movie.

Reason 6: Cars + Ninja= OTP?

So Ninja is just walking along, minding his own business and BAM! Car! It's amazingly funny.

As is the reaction from Jason Behr and his friend Daryl (He also has a real name in the movie but I have no idea what. So I'm going with his name from The Office.) LOOK at Daryl's face in that second cap. AMAZING!

So then Ninja gets pissed and turns into SUPER NINJA! ....which just means he gets a badass helmet. So THEN as they are fighting?

NINJA GETS HIT AGAIN BY ANOTHER CAR! LOLOLLOLOLOL! This is really just not Ninja's day.

Reason 7: Random Gun is Random!

So after running over Ninja, Daryl just PULLS A PIECE out of his glove compartment. There is so much lulz. Why would a reporter/someone who works in a newsroom need to carry a gun in their glove compartment? I feel like we're missing a whole subplot where Daryl is secretly a gun enthusiast and subscribes to Guns and Ammo.
(ETA: It has just been brought to my attention that I called the glove compartment the GLOVER compartment. This is clearly a Freudian slip on my part caused by too much love for John Glover and his magnificent hair.)

So after the gun doesn't work on Ninja, Daryl then tries to karate chop him! It's hilarious.

Later, Daryl gives the gun to Jason Behr and says "You need this more than I do". O_O Why did you need it in the first place?! I want this whole movie to be about Daryl and his secret life fighting crime like Rorschach!

Reason 8: The truly ~deep~ love story! Which happens entirely in one scene!

Seriously. The whole ~romance~ happens in ONE SCENE. Jason Behr thinks thinky thoughts and Dragon Girl is all "This sucks! What is happening! The world is madness! Madness I say!" And Jason Behr is like "You're right bb!" And then they stare at each other. Then they make out.

BUT! Hilarity alert!: As they make out Jason Behr goes "If she's really the (insert Korean name here) I'll probably have to kill her. LOLz! Sucks for her!" I'm not even exaggerating. No wonder when pinkspots and I went to rent this movie we found it had been rented out on Valentine's Day. It's so ~romantic~.

Reason 9: The main couple really cares about their friends. They almost feel bad as they continually leave them to die!

So this girl folding clothes is Dragon Girl's BFF. She tries to cheer Dragon Girl's emo ass up. She deals with Dragon Girl's crazy. She is even getting an overnight bag ready for Dragon Girl because she's at the hospital. And sure, ok, she's about to have sex on Dragon Girl's bed. But whatever. At least she cares. Which of course means that she gets eaten by a giant lizard/snake and Dragon Girl NEVER EVER mentions her again or wonders what happened to her. Ah. Friendship.

Speaking of BFF 4 L, we meet another of Jason Behr's friends who is conveintly some sort of brain scientist and hypnotherapist. I can only assume that they befriended each other over their love of tacky necklaces. Like I imagine scientist friend saw Jason Behr and his Claire's necklace and was like "Girl! That necklace is fierce!" And thus a beautiful frienship was formed.

So Dragon Girl has some flashbacks (yay flashbacks!) and speaks in tongues and shit. As this is happening the lizard/snake thing is crawling it's way up onto poor, unsuspecting Scientist Dude's house.

As the house begins to crumble the main couple jump over the couch right in front of Scientist Dude and run away. Never do they say "Hey! A Giant SnakeLizard is about to demolish your house!" Nope. They just abandon poor Scientist Dude.

Who is then, I can only assume, smashed in his house. Thanks assholes. In the meantime, Daryl has gone back to work although he has a concussion from when the main couple left him unconscious on the side of the road with Ninja.

Reason 10: NINJA!!

Ninja is hands down the best thing about this movie. And before you say "Hey, is that guy really a ninja?" Whatever he's dressed all in black and it's super fun to shout NINJA! at the screen at appropriate moments. He will forever be Ninja to me. So, Ninja is awesome and commands armies and blows ship up just because he feels like it and dresses in a police uniform and chokes people. But the number one reason Ninja is awesome is this scene:

First off? Look at Ninja's face as he walks down the street! I'm surprised he's not whistling and skipping. Then he phases right through the fence in front of Old Lady and she's like "The fuck?" So she proceeds to walk RIGHT into the fence and then looks puzzled. It's hilarious and it's even better because there is absolutely no reason for this scene to exist. Like...none at all. But it does and it is glorious and so I attempted to make a gif of it but I'm not skilled in the art of gifs but...you get the idea. It's SO AWESOME.

Reason 11: Anything can be a language as long as it has subtitles! Even gibberish!

So Ninja, when he's in full Ninja gear with helmet, talks in a garbled gibberish that makes Batman's voice sound clear and understandable. I have no idea what he's saying. At first I thought he was speaking deep, growly Korean but I really don't think he is. In fact, I don't think he's speaking any language at all. I think he's just making noises and the movie just subtitles it as language. Which is SO FUNNY. At one point at the end of the movie he goes "AUGGGHHHHHH!!" and the subtitles have a WHOLE SENTENCE. For one sound. LOL!

Reason 12: Dinos with rocket launchers!

Why do dinos have rocket launchers? I have no idea. Maybe dinos always had rocket launchers and bazookas and we just never knew it? I mean, D-WARS wouldn't lie to us would it?

Reason 13: The heroine turns into a straight up thug!

So randomly, Dragon Girl decides that the way to beat a giant LizardSnake that the military can't handle that just killed their helicopter is to shoot it in the face with that little gun. But what's even more hilarious is the way that she's holding the gun and screaming at it all "How do you like me now, sucka?!"

Reason 14: The heroine then turns into a DRAGON!

In what is probably one of the most unintentionally lulzy parts in this movie, the heroine deccides it's time to become a dragon to save Jason Behr (and possibly humanity? Who knows?)

So she does this weird Sailor Moon pose and then shoots her soul over to the good SnakeLizard...

...who then EATS IT! BWAHAHA! Yum! So then with the power of Dragon Girl the SnakeLizard becomes a full out Dragon marking this as the first effing dragon we've really seen in all of DRAGON WARS.

So after Dragon wins the epic battle he SPITS HER SOUL OUT like a hairball! LOL! This allows Dragon Girl to like briefly stroke Jason Behr's face....and then DIE AGAIN. WTF what was even the point of that?

Except then she turns into glowly mist and reforms into a glowly mist CGI Dragon Girl! Who is like "I will love you forever! Those two seconds we spent together on the beach were awesome! Sucks we never got to do it! BAI!"

AND THEN THE DRAGON EATS HER UP AGAIN! LOLOL! Except as it flies away it sheds one emo tear that I could not get a good cap of but believe me it's pretty funny.

Reason 15: Jason Behr is left in Hell! And is totes ok with it!

So his true love Dragon ~~Girl~~ (just Dragon now I guess) flies away dramatically. LEAVING HIM ALL ALONE IN HELL WITH NO WAY OUT. And instead of being like "Oh noes! What will I do!?" Jason Behr is like "Awesome. I think I'll build me a house right by that empty crater across from that vast wasteland of nothingness!" WTF? Good luck finding food and water! Good luck finding another Claire's so you can replace your broach! BE A LITTLE CONCERNED MAN!

- Please don't steal or hotlink my caps. I have no idea why you would as I'm not aware of a huge D-WARS fandom. But still. If you hotlink photobucket will be mean to me and I will be sad.

- Enjoy the picspam!