Oi

Help needed

2026-02-26T23:59:53Z

I find I'm in the position where i must beg again.

https://gofund.me/94d8b0990

Yeah yeah, more shit goes down

2024-04-18T12:06:55Z

So in my recent post I told you about my son dying and all the crap that followed.

Last year the hits just kept coming.
After Thanksgiving my dad died. And in the same week a very dear friend also died.
Cancer sucks.

We're doing okay I guess.
Cat is being cranky.

It's weird. My son and I had been talking about moving back to Pennsylvania, but this is not the way I envisioned it happening. He lived most of his life in Michigan from the age of 10 when we moved there from Pennsylvania.

Now I'm back and there's so many things I want to share with him, but he's gone. Stuck in a fucking urn. It's not fair. April 1st would have been his 38 birthday, but it ended at the age of 36.

They say time heals.
It does NOT.
They lied.

I don't get it

2023-06-04T14:38:50Z

Went to my 45th high school reunion last night and now I'm just utterly despondent.

These same people who teased and tortured me for years, are suddenly acting like I'm some kind of long lost best friend.

Just why?

"Well they grew up"

Sure I get that, but I'm still living with that trauma. It doesn't just go away.

You can't treat someone like shit for years on end and then expect them to welcome you with open arms.

Besides out of the 60 some in attendance less than half a dozen even spoke to me.

Why did I even bother going. I knew how it would go.

Dicks

gosh it's been forever.

2023-03-11T04:27:53Z

So things have not gone well for me lately.

Last year was an absolute nightmare for me personally.

First and foremost.... my beloved son (nick) passed away from sudden cardiac arrest. I am absolutely heartbroken and really wanted to just join him. My depression is deep at this point.

With his social security check halted... i had no real way to keep up with my bills and rent so I and the cat got evicted, losing everything.

My cousin generously opened her home to us so we moved several states away, back to PA and that's where we presently are.

I've spent time in and out of the hospital because of a serious blood issue.

I haven't really written anything for the past (at least) 7 years; just started to write again, not sure if I'll post them here, depends on the interest.

IDK. this is just a check in and update to let my lj friends know what's been going on after so long.

long time no see

2021-03-30T19:56:17Z

Just saying hi to all who still come here.
we're doing well. just lonely.

Well for a minute I forgot

2020-03-21T20:55:08Z

I forgot how to post here...... ROFLMFAO

Nothing really to report since my last post of 3 years ago.
Another of my torturer aunts died. *YAY*

So far we are safe from the virus.

Bitter relief

2016-05-04T19:38:56Z

So I got a message on FB from my step mom that my Dad is heading from FL to PA because my one aunt is dying..... I'm so glad she's dying yet I'm very angry.
This is the woman that made me feel like I was shit my whole life. Like I didn't belong in the family at all.
I hate her almost as much as I hated my mother. But unlike my mother whom I really didn't have any kind of emotional attachment too, this particular aunt abused me emotionally and mentally. I have a very strong unwanted connection with her.

I sincerely hope she burns in hell (if there is such a place) I've been waiting for this for years.

I'm so relieved yet I'm pissed. I don't know why. Perhaps because she had such a negative affect on me.

IDK

Conversations with Dragons [original fiction]

2016-03-08T23:34:50Z

Title: Conversations with Dragons
Warning: N/A
Comments: Percy Trumbull continues on his dragon quest. He finds out some things that other humans don't know
Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine alone.

Conversations with Dragons.

Percy Trumbull was on his way to meet another one of the dragon kind. Targ the mighty had told him where to find his fellow dragon. The one who knew of a potter that could make elegant tea sets. He needed a tea set for the future for when he would finally meet the right woman, and not some silly, flighty princess.
As he drew closer he could see pillars of smoke in the air and the ground was trembling.
His horse became very skittish as they drew closer to the smoking hill. He tied the horse's reins to a stout tree, taking off the saddle and gear, hiding them in the underbrush. Percy made sure his sword was in the correct place, adjusted his armor and made his way to the cave opening.
The ground trembled harder and more smoke billowed out of the cavern entrance as he drew closer. Peeking inside he saw a humongous red dragon stomping around the inside of the cave, while smoke billowed out of it's nostrils as if it was enraged.
“Excuse me! Oh great dragon.” he called out.
Suddenly there was a massive head within inches of his face. “WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?” The monster hissed.
“I'm so very sorry to bother you, but are you Blat the Great Red?”
“YES!”
“I've been told that you know something about a potter that makes exquisite tea sets.” The dragon blinked at him several times and withdrew it's head.
“I know something of that matter,” The voice was calmer. “Who told you I know of such things?”
“Targ the Mighty.”
“Targ the Mighty?” Smoke and flames began to billow out of the snout... “Targ..... the Mighty? Oh moons...So that's what he's calling himself now?” Blat let out a choked laugh. “Mighty... We of the dragon kind refer to him as Targ the Tiny. He's one of the smallest of our kind.”
“He seemed pretty big to me.”
“Well you are a puny human after all.” Blat stated. “And you reek.”
“Sorry about that. When you bellowed at me I...... I.... sort of wet myself, and I'm in this heavy armor when makes me sweat really bad.”
Blat let out a short snort. “.... and that's why humans are not very tasty.”
“Targ said the same thing.”
Percy found a rock to sit on so he did not have to strain his neck so far back to look at Blat. “Sir, about the potter?”
“SIR?” Blat shot out a small flame in Percy's direction, “I'll have you know I'm a female. All the large dragons are female. Don't humans know the difference?”
“I apologize, I had no idea.”
“Females have to be bigger because we need the room for our eggs.”
“I see.” Percy scratched his chin. “So all the huge dragons are female.”
“Yes! It's simple biology.”
Percy pulled a little notepad out of his pack and wrote for several minutes.
“What are you doing?” The huge head was next to his suddenly.
“I'm taking notes. I want to write down the truths about dragons, so other humans won't make the same mistakes I have.”
“Hmm.. interesting. You're an interesting human.” The head swung away again. “Now about the potter... I have need of my potter myself. My last tea cup just broke and it infuriated me.”
“Oh so that's why you were stomping around and leaking fire and smoke?”
“Yes, I'm so very upset.” Blat rumbled. “And I have to wait until he makes a trip to my home to see if I need anything, and that won't be for another moon.”
“How in heaven am I suppose to enjoy my tea with one of these dinky cups” She held one of the human size cups between her claws. “It would take more than fifty of these to slake my thirst.”
“Perhaps I came at just the right time.” Percy grinned. “I could carry a message to the potter, and I could order my own set while I'm there.”
“That may well be a good plan. I could have my cups in a week's time that way.” Blat nodded. “But what am I to do in the meantime?”
“What did you do before you found the potter?”Percy wondered out loud.
“I used a wooden bowl. I understand that humans use them to serve food.” Blat the Giant Red shook her head. “It seems rather uncivilized now that I've had actual tea cups.”
“Just give me the potters name and I will commission him to do your cups and my tea set.”
“It's a deal.” Blat held out a big, sharp claw and Percy shook it in a very civilized manner. She gave Percy the name of the potter and bid him farewell. Percy promised to return in a weeks time with the goods.
“Oh be a dear and bring me some more tea also.” Blat handed him a bag of coins, “Maybe a little human type snack. I do enjoy being surprised.”
Percy bowed again and went to retrieve his horse.
He found the town and sought out the potter. Sadly the original potter had passed away, but his son had taken over his business.
The man had to search though his father's files to find the exact design for Blat's tea set. When that was done he set about to sketch out Percy's set.
Percy immediately approved of the design. The potter said it would take a week to complete the orders. Percy nodded and left to find a room to stay in for the week. He was grateful to get out of the armor and into a tub of hot water. His faithful horse was stabled and cared for. After the bath he realized he was really hungry and went to find some food for himself.
As the week passed he collected the tea and treats for Blat. He hoped she would like them. He also gathered supplies for himself, cleaned his armor and had the blacksmith sharpen his sword.
The week finally passed and Percy made his way back to Blat's lair. He had to hitch a wagon to his horse to carry everything. The horse was not pleased and kept acting up. He got as close as he dared, then tied the horse to a tree again. He unhitched the wagon and pulled it along behind him as he wandered closer to the cave.
This time he called out, to announce that he was there. Blat came to the cave entrance to meet him.
First he unloaded the precious tea cups for the dragon who let out a very un-dragon like squeak of joy. “They're perfect. Thank you.... I just realized I never got your name, yet you did all this for me.”
The young knight bowed deeply. “I'm Percy Trumbull, ma'am.” He turned around to get the tea and treat packets. “I got several different kind of tea, I hope that's alright.” He hefted the barrels of dried tea. “And I picked a few different treats that I hope you like.”
There were pies and candies, cakes and breads. Percy placed them all before the dragon: who sniffed at each one curiously.
“They all smell so good. Do they need to be cooked?”
“No they're all finished products. I really do hope you like them.”
“What's this one?” She plucked a chunk of chocolate up with two claws. “I've never smelled anything like it.”
“It's called chocolate. Humans like it very much.”
She took a small nibble and hummed with appreciation. “Moons that's delicious. It's going to be hard not to eat it all at once.” Blat hummed some more.
“Most of the baked things have to be eaten soon or they'll go bad.”
“Thank you friend Percy. You're welcome to visit any time.”
“I will, and with great pleasure.” He bowed once more. “I'll bring more snacks too.”
Blat snorted mildly as she stuffed a pie in her mouth, “I'd welcome that indeed.” She picked up a golden platter and offered it to Percy. “In thanks for all you've done for me, no other human has been so kind.”
Taking the platter, Percy once more bowed deeply. “It was my honor. Targ the Mighty said dragon kind just want peace. And that's what I'm striving for also.”
“You're a unique human knight. Most seek to slay or steal.” She giggled under her breath “Targ the Mighty.”
Percy merely smiled and prepared to leave. “Before you leave...” Blat started. “Do you wish you with to learn more about dragon kind?”
“Yes!” Percy nearly shouted. “I would love that.”
“Then get out your notepad I will give you directions to to Mallak the Wise. She has all of our lore in her memories and it should be written down before she passes.”
“That would be a great honor.” Percy took out his notepad and writing tool and wrote down all the instructions to find Mallak the Wise. “Should I take anything along with me to give to her?”
“Some more tea would probably be welcome, and some of those delicious treats. I'm sure she's never had anything like those before.”
“I will do so.” One more bow and Percy made his way back to his horse.
Dragons were far more interesting than he had ever thought. It would be his greatest achievement in gaining more knowledge about dragon kind. He turned his horse in the direction of the new dragon lair.

Tea with Dragons [original story]

2015-12-11T21:33:55Z

TITLE: Tea with Dragons
COMMENTS: [original story] What happens when a young knight talks to the dragon he's come to kill. What things will he learn?

Tea with Dragons

The young, lanky knight stood in paralyzed fear before the huge, green dragon. His pike and shield fell uselessly to the ground as he stood transfixed at the awesome creature before him.
"I say young sir, you seem to have dropped your weapons, are you alright?" The young knight could only nod. "Oh dear! You appear to be scared, would you care for a cup of tea to calm the nerves?" The knight nodded once more.
The dragon scuttled into the cave and lit a fire under a large iron pot by blowing a small flame out of his mouth. "Please come in and make yourself comfortable."
The knight spotted a small bolder and climbed on top of it. Sitting cross-legged he glanced around the vast chamber. It was well lit and had several large, soft carpets of eastern style design.
"Let me take a guess as to what brings you to my cave." The dragon was apparently the chatty sort. "To rule the kingdom you must claim a dragon's head?" He poured water into a delicate, yet enormous tea pot.
"No! No kingdom." Was the hushed reply.
The dragon curled his long tail into a tight spiral that he tucked next to his haunches. He picked up his large tea cup as if it were delicate china. He motioned to a normal size tea cup for the knight to drink from. "Well then, what sends you on this folly? Clearly you are not prepared to fight a dragon of my magnificence."
The knight cleared his throat and sipped the tea. "Well you see.... there's this princess..." He got no further, the dragon held his large hand up.
"Say no more. What did you promise her? A dragon head, or perhaps a great treasure?"
The young man mutely nodded.
"Let me tell you something about princesses, they're fickle, flighty things." He sipped again. "They most certainly do not want gory dragon heads, they might be swayed by treasure but those princesses are not worth the trouble."
"Oh where are my manners, allow me to introduce myself. You may call me Targ the Mighty" He dipped his head in a polite bow.
"I'm Percy Trumbull." The knight bowed back.
"Give your princess a good book. A well read princess is a treasure beyond measure."
"A book?" Percy questioned.
"Any princess worth her crown will welcome a book over trivial gifts. A book is more thoughtful and thought provoking."
This was a rather chatty dragon.
"Oh moons! It's been forever since I've had a chance to talk to anyone. All you knights want to do is kill my kind, then we end up eating you instead. Let me tell you; human's do not taste very good at all. We'd rather not eat you if we don't have to." Targ let out a gusty sigh. "Tell me do the humans eat the dragons they kill?"
Percy cocked his head to the side in deep thought. "No I don't believe they do."
"Barbaric," Targ snorted. To leave the bloody corpse just lying around, with the head chopped off will-nilly, to be dragged before some spoiled princess for appeasement and honor?" A small flame trickled out his one nostril. "Dragons would never do anything like that."
They both took long slow sips of the tea.
"Since we're chatting Targ, I have to know.... where did you get your tea set? It's the most glorious set I've ever seen."
"Well thank you. We dragons do make deals with humans from time to time, and Blat the Great Red found a potter who would make these sets for us. We dragons do love a proper tea after all."
"I had no idea."
"We're civilized, young knight. We like our refinements. Hence the reason we collect treasures."
"Do you all collect the same things?" Percy asked.
"No! Each dragon collects what suits their personalities. For instance, I collect books along with my gold and jewels."
"Dragons are more interesting that I imagined." Percy confessed. "We're told that you are just beasts of the dark."
"Some are, but we tend to shun those type. Dragons only seek to collect and be at peace." Targ poured another cup of tea for himself. "Is your princess worth that?"
"No I can't say she is. Perhaps I'd best rethink my prize." He scratched at his chin. "I'll look into a book and maybe some flowers. If she doesn't like that... then I don't think I'll pursue the relationship."
"Take it from an old dragon, it rarely is."
Percy stood to leave, "I've had a very pleasant talk with you Targ the Mighty. May I visit again and have tea with you?"
"I would be overjoyed to have your company anytime, gallant young sir." Targ tilted his head in the knights direction. "But don't tell anyone of my whereabouts, I won't no other knights seeking prizes from me."
"I promise, on my word as a knight." Percy bowed deeply.
Percy returned to the princess, only to find she had married another suitor. He was glad he had not killed the dragon.
Having tea with dragons was so much better than a flighty princess.

And on another fun note.....

2015-04-11T22:58:30Z

My health as some of you may or may not know has been pretty shitty lately. While it's true I've lost a grand total of 50 pounds over the course of a year and a half, it's come with a price. But it did not cause this new additive to my medical history.

I officially have Fibromyalgia. YAY (sarcasm)

and my legs have been doing funny things...... like turning red from the knees down and swelling and aching really bad.

I almost passed out this morning while doing dishes. I got that tunnel vision feeling and dizziness, sweating and nausea. Not a fun time. I'm still a bit dizzy.

It started with a little black cat

2015-02-21T23:42:27Z

So things haven't exactly been going great as far as 2014 was concerned.
Then a long time friend (our sons played together) said her cat was pregnant when I wrote on FB that my landlord said I could have a pet. I was offered one of the kittens from the litter, my choice.
A few months later this little lady came into our lives after a long drive from PA.

This is Smudge.

Then I found out something interesting; I still didn't have a bed to sleep on, only a broken down lumpy couch or broken recliner. I found out I could qualify for a hospital bed in my home. After a few months of dithering around I finally got approval. The day after christmas I got my bed.

As you can see the kitty claimed it as her own.

Turn of the year came and I once more complained about having to do all my laundry by hand, ALL of it. It hurt my hands to do this so there's piles of clothing. Suddenly I was contacted by someone (wishes to remain anon) they sent me a small portable washer/spin dryer.

As you can see Smudge claimed this item too.

Next was a surprise as well. Nick hasn't had a real bed up to this point either. We've lived in this apt for over 5 years and all this time he's been sleeping on air mattresses, one after another as they all pop. Well another friend who remained in contact with her former minister who moved from Muncy PA to west Michigan (near Holland). They found a twin size bed and wondered if we'd be interested in it. I jumped at the chance and the friend paid for it. (I'm still shocked). So now Nick has a bed too. It's old but dammed if I'm complaining.

And yes Smudged claimed this item too.

We've also had a fuzzy visitor from time to time. A big orange fluff ball that's adopted us as his surrogate family. We let him come and go as he pleases. But if it's bad weather out he stays in.

As you can see he's huge, and he and Smudge get along fine. We just call him Fuzzy, not knowing his name that his actual owner calls him. He seems to prefer to be with us and not his actual home. But that's why we let him come and go as he pleases.

So you see it all started with a little black cat. This year is turning around. The next needs on the agenda are to get a new TV (ours is blanking out; it's an old analog set and once in a while the picture goes to one thin, tiny hissing line across the screen *it'd cost more to fix than to get one*) And new-ish furniture to replace all this broken junk that we got from mom and crew (the stuff was old when they had it so no wonder it's all broken and nasty) And I need a dresser for my room.
I have no idea how we're going to get these things. The TV is top priority, as it seems to be failing fast. I just don't know.

NO, NO KITTY.

2014-10-26T16:34:29Z

NO KITTY
SANZO DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

SANZO DOESN'T LIKE KITTIES.

Chinese Animated Feature Trailer 我的师父姜子牙 Master Jiang and the Six Kingdoms

2014-07-07T15:53:33Z

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2014-06-20T23:33:34Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO cryptjo
AND
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO shymagical

I HOPE YOU BOTH HAD A WONDERFUL DAY!!!!!!!

Old art work found. [image heavy]

2014-06-16T08:41:30Z

I just found my old art portfolio. So many memories. Where'd that talent go?
After I had the breakdown I couldn't do any real art like I did in school. It just poofed.
Anyway I'm going to be scanning what I can and maybe posting some of them here. I really did use to be able to draw faces. Now they're just crap and I can only do trees and flowers. I hate that yet it's okay too. It's just a different style.
I only do the digital kind of art now because I can't hold a pencil any more, my hands shake so bad. And the arthritis makes them cramp. *sigh*
I just hate that I lost that.

Happy Fathers day??? [IMAGE HEAVY]

2014-06-15T08:11:53Z

Well I suppose I should say this.
Happy father's day to my dad..

Dad in his Grizzly Adams days. 1980's

Dad, Mom (the bitch) and bitty me.

Dad and current wife.

And I can't forget the man who actually raised me.

Gram and Pop-pop 50th Wedding anniversary.

Pop-pop and my dog Pat

One step further

2014-06-11T13:45:38Z

It is now officially 6 months since the bitch passed away.

About a month ago I deleted all my family associated with my mom’s side of the family. I have no regrets about that all. They’ve made their stance on what I am to the family a long time ago.

I feel a lot freer after that.

Well the other day while waiting at the doctor’s office I took it further. The real final cut.

I’ve deleted all their phone numbers from my land line and my cell phone.

Since I don’t pick up the phone and answer it unless I know the number, that mean’s their numbers won’t be known or answered. Not that they’ve called. Unless it’s was an emergency or they needed something from me, they never did. I always had to make the calls. They’d get irrationally mad at me if I didn’t call once a day (mostly mom). But since she got sick and has since died. I only ever heard from them 4 times….. in 4 years. And that was they needed something an to let me know she was gone.

I don’t need their shit on top of everything else I have going on.

I’m much better off.

Oh yeah by the way.... for those of you who don't know my psych doc said she thinks it's a good idea if I could get a pet. So I asked my landlord and she said YES...
So in a few months when an old friend of our's cat has her kittens we're getting first pick, and they're going to arrange transportation to get the kitty here.
I'm so excited.

Behold.... the horror from the past.

2014-05-26T05:22:12Z

Mom, Dad and ME.

School horror pics

Kaboom????

2014-05-17T18:48:10Z

So.... I took another proactive step in my life.

I unfriended Mom's side of the family off my FB. (sis, step-dad, nephew, and assorted friends)

I'm waiting for the explosions from my 'sis'. Background refresher on her; she's volatile, very violent and unstable. She's threatened to beat my face in several times when I did something that 'showed her up' or 'something she didn't like hearing' She does not take criticism at all. Everyone else is at fault never her. Total wounded princess routine, (her public face is she's so giving and loving and caring when she's not) And if found wrong will have a 'dramatic breakdown' about how she tries and tries and everyone is against her. *that kind of crap*

So yeah I'm waiting for the retaliation effect. I'll get called every name under the sun and she'll come off as the wounded party to all her close friends. [after all we never really trusted her] <------ probably will be her words.

But I'm done. The only connection we had was Mom and she's gone now, so I really feel nothing other than the underlying fear of the retaliation. (that's what 911's for)

How I'm feeling right now.

but really I'll be like this (just hiding and waiting)

WTF LJ........

2014-05-15T16:58:03Z

NO I DO NOT LIKE YOUR NEW CHANGE. *clicks 'return to old style'*
All it did was buffer, I couldn't see anything.

DON'T CHANGE WHAT ISN'T BROKEN.

Just another rant type thing

2014-05-10T20:35:02Z

Just something I wanted to write down. This isn't really for anyone here. I just needed to get it out of my system. But this really applies to my family.

THE SHOPPING LIST OF ILLNESS

For those who have always doubted me in my life and said I was just looking for attention, let me show you what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. (feel free to look any of these up in medical journals or web pages )

Some of them are common and a lot have them. But when I say I'm sick, I'm sick. Oh yeah these are all doctor confirmed.

Migraines.

High Blood pressure : On two medications for this

High cholesterol : On two medications for this

Thyroid : On two medications for this.

Depression: On four medications for this

Bi-polar: On two medications for this

Panic/anxiety: On four medications for this.

G.E.R.D.: On one medication for this.

D.D.D. (have had four surgeries on my spine for this. Pain medication no longer does any good)

Arthritis: Neck, spine, hands, wrists, hips, knees. I'm nearly in a wheelchair because walking and standing is next to impossible. (I have to use the motor-carts when I go grocery shopping)

Spinal stenosis

Bone spurs on my spine that press on the spinal cord

Vertigo: Use of cane

General menopause symptoms: On one medication for this

Dangerously low vitamin D level : On two medications for this

Low B-12 levels: On one medication for this

Because of the problems with my back I am unable to stand or walk for more than five minutes at a time. Just the other day I had an episode where I nearly passed out: lost the ability to move or talk, dizzy, cold sweats, scattered thoughts, nauseous, faint. I had to crawl back to the living room. I felt like a limp noodle all night. And even the next day could not remember my address and several other things.

No tolerance for heat or cold. Heat I pass out, and cold I can't stop shaking.

C.K.D. (chronic kidney disease stage 3, Two stages before they start dialysis and transplant)

When I had my full hysterectomy they found pre-cancer cells, large fibroids and my uterus was attached to the rectal wall. (*had to have extra surgery for that *) Which was why I probably had such horrible periods.

P.T.S.D.: Three medications for that

Social anxiety: Two medications for that.

O.S.A. (obstructive sleep apnea) Stopped breathing 17 times in one hour. Must use C-PAP.

_________________________________________________________________________________

So you can see I'm dealing with a lot and yes some are common. But to try to tell me I'm faking, or I should just 'shut-up and deal with it' . Or 'knock off the complaining' Guess what..............

BITE ME. You've treated me like trash my whole life. I was never good enough for your family; always the outsider.

Family get together where a nightmare for me. I always just brought a book to read because no one wanted to play or interact with me. Why did I sit at the table and pick at the food? I was lonely. You were all off having fun with sports or running around. Lets not forget that I rarely got included in things. I always had to find something to do all by myself. When I came for visits on Sunday's I had to practically beg. Or beg that one of you would come visit me. I was never part of the family.

Now I see (thanks to facebook) that you all still travel together, or just get together for the fun. I know I would not have been included in any of this. Did anyone ever think I wanted to go to the Philly flower show? Or go horseback riding? Anything. No because I wasn't thought of at all.

Then there's the pictures. Just look at all the pictures; new and old that have been posted. I've looked through the albums. There only two. So yes I added a snarky comment to it. Only to get told to knock it off. Knock what off? Pointing out how I've been forgotten or ignored. Oh my bad. Does that tarnish your sparkly christian image?

I'm glad I left. I knew all along *even as a tiny child* that I was never wanted around. And no I'm not making that up. THAT is exactly how you all made me feel. Unwanted. Unnecessary. A vermin. Trash. Something you wipe off the bottom of your shoe. Someone you had to put up with.

Another way I knew I wasn't wanted in the whole family??? I was told to my face, long ago... that you all had a meeting about what would happen to me if Gram and Pop died, [obviously this is when I was younger and still living with them as a young teen] I was told that they had NO IDEA what to do with me if the grandparents died.

NOT ONE OF YOU SO CALLED CHRISTIANS OFFERED TO TAKE ME IN IF THAT HAPPENED. NOT ONE. No one had room for me.

I hope you all get the nice warm reward you richly deserve in the afterlife. It's gonna be a hot one.

____________________________________________________________________________

Aren't you glad you're not part of my family. I'm evil when pissed off.

I still feel kinda horrible that I'm enjoying this more than I should.

2014-04-28T07:45:37Z

So May..... Mothers day.
First one with out mom, I don't have to get a card. I don't pretend I have to fucking care.

Judge me, hate me, unfollow me ....... But dammit if I don't feel like chanting

"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!!"

It's been roughly 4 months.... Not one word from them at all. Especially not the papers from the memorial service.
I finally did my best passive/aggressive move and sent a 'guilt' note to step-dad today on FB.. "I guess we don't matter anymore, but that's okay I'm use to being cast away by family."

He'll probably wonder what the hell I'm talking about if he even reads it. And sis Is probably going to go off on a ranting tear about it. I don't care any more. This is long enough. There's been plenty of time to make sure I got the memorial papers. Or even have someone tell me how things went. Or what's even going on at all.
I've heard nothing at all. Even my extra crazy half bro is being silent. He's usually off on one of his druggie rants.
I'm just tired. If I had the money and the means we'd be out of here for good. It's clear no one thinks anything about us. Don't get me wrong I really like the area, but we're so isolated even while being surrounded by people. There's no one who really cares. (here)

Family has always been my biggest disappointment. Mom's side and dad's side. I'm stuck in the middle and completely lost. Super christians on one side and super douchebags on the other. It's a no win situation.

Wow..... I don't even................. wow

2014-04-21T14:26:05Z

Recently I made a post on FB about clearing up my friendlist. I mostly meant to get rid of some family and people I don't communicate with.

All's well and I go ahead and delete about 10 or so people.

Today I got a note on my timeline bitching at me about doing this.

She wasn't even on my hitlist for clean up so I'm not sure what the hell bug crawled up her ass and died.
She is now.... I unfriended her right after I wrote that reply.

The quickest and surest way to piss me off is to be condescending to me.

Take note please.

2014-04-19T20:28:17Z

Any of you I've spoken with in the past using the following messengers (AIM, YIM, and MSN) please note that I've deleted them from my computer. I'm only using Skype now.
Thank you.

I'll take a side of whiskey with that whine

2014-04-11T13:37:12Z

This morning has started out spectacularly well (NOT) I'm already popping Xanex.

Doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy. No biggie I can deal with that because I know it's necessary.

Gastroenterology called just a bit ago.. apparently I have to have someone there with me the whole time. This is a problem. I get rides for medical appts though Red Cross transportation. (great program for those that need rides for med appts.) Only they don't stay. They just drop and go on to their next assignment. Scheduling is having a tiny fit because I keep saying I have no one that will be able to stay with me. Nick is not capable of making any high level decisions were things like this are concerned so I just leave him out of things. They're going to send it back to my PCP's office to see what they say.

I've gone through SIX potentially dangerous surgeries with no one waiting for me in recovery.

This is beyond frustrating. I'm ready to scream. (xanax time) *turns into sobbing puddle in the corner*