doors closing slowly

minusforever — Mon, 22 Dec 2014 07:28:37 GMT

1) My depression is bad right now, but I haven't been this grateful about things in a long time. When I am having a terrible day and can't get out of bed, it's okay -- I can just sleep until I feel human again, go to the library at SDSU whenever I want, get my shit done, and come home and faceplant. When I have no energy to do anything but go to the beach and study, I can do that. When nothing except a pint of caramel ice cream will make me smile, I can go buy it and groceries and other things I need because I'm not living with a roommate who doesn't pay their half of the bills, and I don't have to factor theirs into my own budget in order to avoid having the lights and water shut off.

My schedule is still (mostly) unscheduled and I think being able to take everything at my own pace and make my physical + emotional care my top priority is why I'm able to handle school and my job and taking care of a sick parent and the bros at my practicum site without ending up in the hospital myself. I have a job I love, my finances answer to no one but me, my practicum/internship site makes me want to be a better person, I'm going to church sometimes, I'm in a Masters program where being a misfit is an employable skill, and I'm slowly accepting the fact that dating just isn't for me.

2) Things were much worse last year at this time, and my trich symptoms came back for the first time since childhood and it was really, really embarrassing and like. I realized that the only time I wasn't pulling my hair was when I was wearing a wig, so I thought, "You know what? Fuck everything. My hair looks like garbage because so much of it is gone and I wear a hoodie all the time anyway. I'm shaving it off." So, I've been wearing wigs for an entire year now and... it's the only thing that's ever helped. Seriously. I've never really talked about it because I hate talking about self-harm in general and trich is one of those things that grosses out a lot of people, and I think the only ones who knew were my parents, one friend who took care of me when I was sick at a con, another one who was excited and wanted to see it, and a practicum friend that I'd go swimming with over the summer.

My natural hair is almost down to my shoulders now, and it's still uneven as hell and I never ever ever show it in public but I can't believe this helped me as much as it did.

3) Tumblr is my main hangout anyway so I guess I don't care about how uncomfortable and embarrassing my entries are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

minusforever — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 02:50:58 GMT

- I started seeing a new therapist this summer. She's the harshest I've ever had, which is kind of what I need.

- Sometimes I feel like my problem is having problems, because I'll feel fine and stable and then I'm reminded of how truly fucked up I am. And I can't say, "Whatever, who cares, I'll do what I want." I can't. Because I feel like I can't make my own choices without everyone, including my family, saying "Yeah, that sounds great" and secretly suspecting that it won't work out. I can't listen to anyone's advice about ~following my bliss or whatever because I just don't want to try. I used to be so adventurous 4 or 5 or 6 years ago, and now I can't entertain the same flights of fancy. (It's not a matter of what people think. It's a matter of what people refuse to say.)

- My therapist started throwing around the word "abuse" during my first appointment to describe situations I never applied it to. She started our first appointment by saying, "Wow, you've been through a lot" before even introducing herself, and later said, "If words were fists, you would have spent [a long time] trying to hide your bruises," And. It kind of left me depressed for a solid two weeks. Because. Well. Fuck it, she's right.

- I don't really remember how to journal.

minusforever — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 23:46:51 GMT

I like that LJ-change Day is always Everyone-who-stopped-using-LJ-comes-over-to-say-hello Day ♥

Nothing is new here that I haven't robbled about on Twitter or Tumblr. I basically just work while watching World War I documentaries. I'm going back to working on some portfolio pieces tonight since I'm off school until January 6th and I know I'll regret it if I don't.

This has been a weird holiday season with my family, but honestly, I'm not as saddened as I thought. I've seen non-parental family members a grand total of ~*~once~*~ since coming back to California, which sucked on Thanksgiving. My government sector aunts and uncles aren't as linefacey about my degree change as they were when my mom first told them, so... whatever. My aunt who had a heart attack earlier in September is doing better, and all of my cousins continue to be sporty and cute.

So this is awkward and Idk online etiquette anymore, but I wanted to talk about Textbroker for a paragraph. It's a copywriting website I use part-time and I thought some of you might want to look into it? :3 On average I make about $25 to $35 a night, and I know a lot of you are looking for small gigs or jobs to fund stuff going on later in the year. All it requires for the pay-out is a PayPal account and a US W9 tax form. There's also a UK mirror, but obviously!, I have no idea how it works. :\

minusforever — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:18:33 GMT

Not having a set schedule means I work for 14 hours and then the idea of "homework" falls out of my brain so I fill a Word document full of River Tam meta instead of doing that.

So while I expect to overlap/substitute/cheat, I still want to have something in place. One of my clients runs deadlines so loosely that they're not even a concern (which technically puts me two weeks ahead of schedule which makes me feel like I can be lazy), while the other client is so tight that I don't have time to fit anything in between working for them. My school assignments' submission time never changes, so, all of this means my own self-discipline is a rollercoaster. I wrote these lists down, and I think what I want to do is get a paper calendar and start writing down a corresponding letter for each day of the following week based on class days.

Day A Schedule:
4pm - 6pm: Job #1
6pm - 8pm: Social time
8pm - 4am: Job #1
4am - 7am: Portfolio/art/animation time
9am - 3pm: Sleep time

Day B Schedule:
4pm - 6pm: Job #2
6pm - 8pm: Social time
8pm - 4am: Job #2
4am - 7am: Portfolio/art/animation time
9am - 3pm: Sleep time

Day C Schedule:
4pm - 6pm: School time
6pm - 10pm: Social time
10pm - 4am: School time
4am - 7am: Miscellaneous Job Time
9am - 3pm: Sleep time

If I let myself have easier loads on the weekend, that still gives me a steady 50 hours of work per week, which would be just about what I need. I don't know when I can start this since I'm running errands all day tomorrow, going Bakersfield on Monday, and Los Angeles on Wednesday.

~Social Time~ obviously refers to online friends, since lmao, I have no friends at my parents' house. Which I'm not as sad over as I thought. I mean-- obviously, I miss people from San Diego and Columbia and LA and The Internet and everywhere else, but it's not the crippling loneliness I felt being here in 2009, so, whatever.

BUT GUESS WHAT.

SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE.

THE CITY. INSTALLED. ITS SECOND STOPLIGHT. AND MY CAPS ARE NOT CAPSLOCKY ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE HOW OFTEN PEOPLE ARE STILL MENTIONING IT.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate always.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Gift bags, yes. Wrapping presents, no. Please, I'm not a sorcorer.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Everything should look like it's puking blinking rainbows. White lights are okay if there's a truckload of them.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Ew.

5. When do you put your decorations up? That's what moms are for, duh.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Hmm, I just bake a lot in general during winter.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? These evening craft/candle making parties in the park were really nice. As an adult, my favorite memories so far were the festivities at Rea's and Jimmy's my sophomore year of college because it was the first time we were all together for like... an entire week for the first time since graduating.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Someone spoiled it during class in like third or fourth grade. I didn't care as long as long as I still got presents? I first caught on to the scam when ~Santa~ made the rounds at school and I thought it was very irresponsible of him to waste time visiting every individual school and mall in the world when we were all writing letters to him anyway, so I was disappoint :|

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? For a while, we opened everything on Christmas Eve just because Christmas feels more Christmassy at night. Idek.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I'm in charge of tinsel, that's it.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Snow is terrible and I hate it. Last year was the first time I ever lived in it/saw it fall, so getting snowed in and all of my friends getting the day off to play with me and make harrowing treks to restaurants was fun. Until all the power went off. And then I learned why you're not supposed to run on ice. Also, snow, much like space, is cold.

12. Can you ice skate? Hmm. I could as a teenager?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I think I was most excited for my first digital camera when I was 12, and my first iPod when I was 14.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Having an excuse to hibernate.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? All the desserts :\

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Driving around with my mom to see Christmas lights. We used to make three or four major trips around the county per year. Then the first year in the desert we found maybe... six lit houses in one night and were like DDDDDDDDDD:

17. What tops your tree? Eh, we... don't?

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? I want to say giving, although honestly, I always feel awkward doing surprise shopping for people. But if I have an idea in mind before heading out to find something, then giving.

19. Candy Canes? Any of the Lifesaver ones, or mint chocolate ones. The classic flavor is gross.

20. Favorite Christmas show? Um... my favorite Christmastime movie is Willow? Everyone else has a weird tradition of watching Willow during Christmastime too, right?

21. Saddest Christmas Song? I'm not a big Christmas music fan, so I don't know.

22. What is your favorite Christmas song? Right! Now! At this moment! The Science Channel is advertising their Christmas Day Firefly marathon and there's a super creepy version of Silent Night playing while River does her typical creepy shit so THAT IS NOW MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG.

Speaking of holiday desserts, I haven't gained any weight since D*C despite three straight months of 2am stress baking. HOW. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.

minusforever — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 04:23:47 GMT

Give me a pairing from one of my fandoms, and I will tell you:

1. Who is the big spoon/little spoon
2. What is their favorite non-sexual activity
3. Who uses all the hot water in the morning
4. What they order from take out
5. What is the most trivial thing they fight over
6. Who does most of the cleaning
7. Who controls what they watch on TV
8. Who's the one to always push to go out for a change
9. Who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
10. Who steals the blankets
11. Who leaves their stuff around
12. Who remembers to buy the milk
13. Who remembers anniversaries

minusforever — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 01:34:35 GMT

I listed these in order of difficulty/headache level, lol. (Also, this layout is weird, and any colored + capslocked text is a link.)

Satele Shan (The Old Republic; D*C 12 and possibly Katsucon if miracles occur) - Okay. So. I didn't read all the Old Republic comics I got for Christmas last year until my plane trip at the beginning of the month and fell in love with her. And innnnstantly wanted to throw together her comic-wear because it's really and unique and also she's a snarky ginger Padawan. Those are my favorite. Then I looked her up online and realized she was retconned/updated to be this amazing lady from the Old Republic trailer. Kinda conflicting source material! I know Madison is doing her at some point this year and may bring her to Katsucon, so I'll take the easy way out and do whichever version she doesn't, lol. (Hmm-- Madison is not on LJ. This would be easier if she was! Or if I wasn't lazy.) Either of them would be a lot of work. :\

Last Command Leia (The Thrawn Trilogy; Katsucon [Alderaan HBICs with Bria] and D*C 12 [to frown at her children]) - I STARTED THIIIIS THIS WEEKEND \o/ I should have the shawl finished soon, I figured out how to make her Thrawn Trilogy barrets, and for footwear I'm going to go with some ankle boots I bought this weekend. Haha, the dress though. I'll talk about it when my initial plan of attack doesn't blow up in my face.

Femme!Fifth Doctor (Doctor Who genderswap group; D*C 12) - I get to wear a suit and be dapper. Not quite sure how I'm doing this yet, but I have almost a year, and Sarah P recommended a great DW/Torchwood costuming LJ community.

Femme!Zekk (New Jedi Order genderswap group; D*C 12) - Space Aladdin meets homeless teenage Zooey Deschanel. I am going to base this off this concept art of Baby Han because wtf Zekk is filthy and I've always thought Jedi robes were too clean for him. Also, flowers.

Delirium (Sandman; Katsucon) Because I've been telling myself IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THIS TIME for two years now, and seriously, all I have to do is throw on six different shirts, rip some fishnets, spray my hair, and spend twenty minutes bodypainting her fisheseses onto my person. I did the latter part this summer in my room and then... didn't again :|

Kelly Bailey (Misfits; Katsucon and D*C 12) - Her uniform with as much gold jewelry I can wrap around my appendages.

Abigail Arcane/Holland (Swamp Thing; D*C 12) - Because Mandy and I were drunk on the phone together this weekend. Also, omg, Abby. I screamed at Mandy to be my genderswapped Alec but I also want to force her into being our plant punk daughter abomination thing because I enjoy cosplaying as the mom of bratty or carbonite-encased daughters.

Laura Kinney (X-Men [various]; D*C 12 and Katsucon to try it out) - I was going to do X-23 Goes To Prom specifically for Mandy's Marvel Prom (can that be the full title if it happens, please?) but then decided to do... non-prom-attending Laura as well since... I am costuming as lots of other characters not going to prom (whut??). Yes. I'm thinking of going with the black corset-ish top I'm wearing here plus her standard pants, belt and claws? I am scared, all Marvel cosplay intimidates the fuck out of me.

Orihime (Bleach; Katsucon) LOL MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW. Just... a wig and a t-shirt? Because I feel really weird going to an anime con without any anime costume planned. :| And the only other wig I need to get for Katsucon is Leia's, so it'd be nothing crazy at all. We'll see. I also have a completed Mitsuru (Persona) costume on hand that I didn't have room to pack for D*C last year, so I might do that instead. Which is even easier. Argument for Orihime: It's Orihime, though. Case almost closed.

(Completed) Mirax Terrik Horn (New Republic; Spy Girls Who Date Pilots group at Katsucon, and for hangin out at D*C 12) - Brandyn is bringing Corran to D*C 12, so I'll do this at both!

So at the moment: I have 5 for Katsucon, and probably 7 or 8 for D*C, 4 or 5 of which I'll already have done before summer. I only have one difficult costume for Katsucon, which is awesome. I'm not placing huge hopes on Satele but I'd be really happy if I could do it in time.

"in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids" // G // Jaina, Jacen, Mara

minusforever — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 02:01:21 GMT

They're twelve, thirteen, maybe, and on an asinine errand with their aunt to go pick up breakfast. Mara's poking Jacen in his shoulder and berating him when a stranger on the Coruscant walkway mumbles Imperial scum close enough not to be directed at any other red-haired woman. Jaina's lips form a thin line and in a matter of seconds, the man's face pales when he's approached by Mara. She keeps her voice calm and firm. The twins hear words even their father doesn't like to use. Mara strides back up to them and continues hassling Jacen, shooting Jaina a glare when she doesn't immediately catch up.

Two decades later during Valin's trial, Jaina can't number how many sneers she gets in one afternoon. Finally, the first cat-calling whistles come from a group of young human males. Her jaw drops, her blood boils, and she knows-

drawing attention to herself would make Javis Tyrr's entire year that much better.

( She still prepares excuses in her mind, lots of them, even though Mara is no longer at her debriefings. )

minusforever — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 06:58:08 GMT

Maaan, sometimes I wish the LJ/Tumblr community would realize that making fun of bloggers with eating disorders is just as cruel as mocking people who dare to express any other form of mental illness. Individual definitions of bullying are hysterical yo!

Writer's Block: Lucas for a day

minusforever — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 00:12:34 GMT

WHEN I WAS A GIRL I ATE FOUR DOZEN EGGS
EVERY MORNING TO HELP ME GET LARGE
AND NOW THAT I'M GROWN I EAT FIVE DOZEN EGGS
SO I'M ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A BARGE

....

All tenel_ka's fault etc oh gosh

minusforever — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 17:45:39 GMT

DRAGON*CONNNNNNN. I wanted to wait for more pics to get uploaded before making a post, but oh well, lol.

+ This is my third con but my first year when my costumes actually went okay/actually happened so I was pleased.
+ The memorial service for Bucky Barnes was the most hilarious thing. mandybu really does throw the best parties, okay. I met tons of new people that night and it sucks that C6 is taking place the week before D*C next year, because I want to hang out with various Club Jade people again. :3
+ On that note, I've been having so many I KNOW YOU BUT WHO ARE YOUUUUU moments on Tumblr and Twitter since we got back. I need a primer.
+ I really didn't attend too many panels, because when do I ever, and also because I was sick from going about 48 hours with sleep the Tuesday and Wednesday before getting to Atlanta :| But I did make it to a few Stra Wras. The Carrie panel was outrageous and I'm now going through all of her books in my house with a highlighter. Why not.
+ Our hotel room shared a wall with Michael Stackpole, lmfao.
+ I have the best friends in the world.

All in all, A+, except for that pesky lack of a djcati.

lol con report later tonight but

minusforever — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 20:36:18 GMT

Han, please stop reciting your fanfic. It's embarrassing.

My Mirax wig came today! I could use some input.

minusforever — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 00:50:33 GMT

Here's my reference.

First, it's way, waaaaay shorter than I thought it would be. This is like, her Union hair.

The biggest con is that the length isn't completely even like I thought it would be, as you can see here on the side. I think it might look a little too scene-ish for a Stra Wras.

However! Bangs aside, which aren't as prominent as I thought they'd be, I really love how it looks in the front.

Here's the back. These were all taken in an OH MY GOD FIVE MILLION PACKAGES ARE ON THE PORCH THERE IS NO TIME TO GRAB A WIG CAP mood, so please excuse my escaping hair. The problem is that my spine is pretty much fucked and this is as straight/even as my shoulders can ever go. As a result, ~*~*gravity*~*~ is pushing the bigger strands back toward my lower side, and I'm already self-conscious about my back so I'm worried that it's going to look completely messy and weird. :\ Or is that how short hair is supposed to work?

So yeah, that's why I've left all the tags on, lol. What do you guys think? Should I keep it or try something else? :3 (I'd have to hit up a store around here because of delivery time, probably.)

~~Also I promise to wear lip color with this that won't further highlight the fact that my skin tone was crafted entirely from slaughtered belugas.~~

Cross-posted from Tumblr

minusforever — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 07:37:07 GMT

MY FINAL D*C '11 COSTUME LIST TROLOLOLO.

01 // Bobby Singer {Supernatural} This was finished until I found out this shirt is on sale. Also, need to find a suitable baseball cap.

02 // Vestara Khai {Star Wars} So, yeah, definitely scratched the Insider illustration idea. I'm just going to interpret this as a normal GFFA-ish tunic and leggings that I already have. Adding a lacy bolero, leather bits and cuffs like in the picture, and we're done. Same boots from last year. Will I actually remember my makeup for her tribal tatts this time? WE'LL FIND OUT IN 30 29 DAYS.

03 // Kim Pine {Scott Pilgrim V.S. The World} Just need the wig. Probably going to change the jacket at the last second.

04 // Delirium {Sandman} This is going to be a closet cosplay with a hell of a lot of fish body makeup that I'm... still practicing. I also found some fabric with electric blue butterflies that I think will be perfect for a truffle skirt, so I'm grabbing all of that tomorrow. I really like how this girl did the hair, but I'll probably throw it in a side ponytail and add a bunch of different colored extensions. (I only have pink right now, but I'm hitting up the .99 store tomorrow too for different brunette and blonde ranges, hurr.) Any thoughts?

05 // Little Sister {Bioshock} So, uh, lmfao. My mom took one look at the pictures and offered to "help" me. She started rattling off ideas, and yeah, it's very likely that I'm going to be running around the Georgia Aquarium in a blood-splattered dress and apron that my mommy sewed. Whatever. I at least have the bow and the shoes, and I figured out the makeup tonight. It looks awesome. :3

06 // Mirax Terrik {Star Wars} LOL I MADE THE FINAL DECISION TO DO THIS YESTERDAY. DURING CHAT. WHAT IS MY LIFE. Right. I'm sure I can find most of the pieces soon and start attaching holsters/bits and bobs accordingly. I want the wig to be slightly flapper-style because I think it's a good in-between of the comics and trading cards, so if anyone who's more well-versed than me in fake hair sees something, let me know?

07 // Katherine {Catherine} I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS BUT MY ROOMMATE KYLE MARIE JOHNSON JANSON SAYS I'M GONNA DO IT. This character wears glasses, and I wear glasses, and I still haven't thrown together a Roslin, so I like her, whoever she is. I have the shoes, I have the pants, and the belt looks fun to make. The top is just a black turtleneck with midriff pinstripes. The hardest part is going to be finding the wig, rofl.

.....

29 days left. Hahaha. Ha. Ha.

minusforever — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:56:33 GMT

title; miles and miles of perfect sin
rating; PG
characters/pairings; Siri/Ferus, mentions of others
what; have a 4am post-ROTS AU, because, lol, why not.

Vader's put a bounty on their heads large enough to keep a family fed for a solid decade. They decide to permanently switch hair colors. Siri's nose has been broken enough times during the war to throw even her friends off, and sharp angles have replaced Ferus' boyish face since the last time he and Anakin were on the Holonet for some sort of godsdamn award.

They still keep a low profile around other Rebel agents. It's fine to be known as a team, but they take precautions to de-program themselves from the camaraderie of his former apprenticeship whenever they're working with strangers. They don't know if any of their new co-workers have significant others of their own, and it's for the best.

Some weeks the Alliance doesn't need them, and they stay in their pajamas (or nothing) until mid-afternoon. She gambles away the evening while he stands nearby, quiet and unassuming, getting pulled into alleyways by older beings who mistake the fake nervous glances and straightness of his back for naivete. It feels wrong at first, too reminiscent of how he used to make ends meet when first leaving the Order, but information is information.

//

On the one-hundred and seventy-fourth night of sharing a bed, Siri chases him around the room, trying to get her underwear back, and the word boyfriend gets lost somewhere in her laughter.

//

Corellia's not that bad. They're posing as a couple to infiltrate the neighborhood social circle, and Ferus wouldn't mind living in a house like this one. A garden for him, a pool house for her. Animals for Trever. Bedrooms stuffed to the brim with runaway teenagers instead of snot-nosed Imperial brats.

//

"Damn."

Their two leads are heading in opposite directions, and there's already a good chance they've been discovered.

"We're going to Kanner's hotel. Come on," she tilts her head, takes his hand into hers.

"What? No," Ferus stops and pulls them slightly further away from the bustle and movement of the crowd. "His contacts are on the other side of the city, and we're running out of time--"

Siri rolls her eyes. "Um, I know what I'm doing. Move out."

It's the small moments like these that irrationally bother him. Her simple statements come across like Jedi lessons, as sharp as a slap, and he knows-- he knows they're evolving together. No visible Force attacks. No lightsabers. Only an unspoken code of shared morality. Any real Order rules would be too painful.

That's why, then, he bristles whenever she assumes their roles from a previous life. It's always been easier for her.

One of Kanner's associates passes by. Ferus immediately grabs Siri's wrists and pins them against the wall of bar. She ducks her head toward her partner's neck, and looks up at him through half-lidded eyes as he crushes his lips to hers.

They wait a beat. He kisses her again. They part, but he doesn't let go of her arms until a smirk crosses her lips. "Are we good to go?" she whispers.

"Yeah."

She adjusts her dress. "You lead." She exaggerates a yawn. "Just because I'm tired, though."

minusforever — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 08:26:21 GMT

Celebrated one year of living in South Carolina by packing my riffraff and Kyle's hobglobs into 4 cars* and moving to a house two blocks away. It still feels gigantic. It was built in the 1930s and has all sorts of creepy closets and crystal door handles likely to poke an eye or two out. I dig it.

Went from being in the art department to being an animator. I've been lip syncing for a month straight. The movie I'm working on is... getting highlighted on Fox Business News. Yeah. Not my fault.

Having stress dreams where I wake up every two hours. Lost weight. Happy to have our new place as the designated party zone. Saying better luck next time to fiscal responsibility and buying new clothes tomorrow. Also, I'm back in school? It doesn't feel like it, but, yay.

* It's nice, having people who will scrub the kitchen of your old apartment while you're flipping your shit over where to put the brooms, because you've only known them for a year but they know How You Get.

minusforever — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 08:03:04 GMT

Thanks so so so much to everyone who replied to my last entry. ♥

01.) Make a list of 5 things you cannot live without:
Friends, family, my phone, my laptop + tablet, my glasses.

02.) What is your favorite holiday?
LABOR DAY WEEKEND.

03.) What is one food you can't eat?
Pork and beef. No. Seriously. I ate a sliver of ham by mistake last weekend and I had to take ~Kyle's pills y'all~

04.) What's your occupation?
Illustrator/graphic designer/ALSO I'm a student again starting next Tuesday! :-O

05.) What do you hear right now?
Your mom cooking me breakfast?

06.) Who is the person you would like to see and hug now?
*My* mom :(

07.) What random song just popped in your head now?
Alex's answer made The Police's "Don't Stand So Close" come in.

08.) What did you do today?
Woke up, worked, exercised, went to Red Robin with Kyle and Brittany, and then we saw The King's Speech.

09.) The last good book you've read?
"The Snow Queen" by Joann D. Vinge, love it love it love it. Heroes and Dragons has a fantastic arsenal of 60s/70s YA fantasy, which is all I ever need.

10.) What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Twitter, FB, Tumblr, Wikipedia, Gmail.

11.) What language(s) do you speak?
All of the languages.

12.) If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Sweden.

13.) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Kanye... fucking... shrug? I know what I want in my personal life, but that doesn't mean I'll have it, and that doesn't mean the world will end. ~~HAHA FOREVER ALONE~~

14.) What colors do you like?
Um no, that's impossible. But my favorite combinations are:

- violet, orange
- grey, pink
- violet, brown, gold
- red, gold, white
- ranges of teal

And blue & orange are my favorite complements and I use them far too much.

15.) What are you doing this weekend?
Not sure yet.

16.) What things do you collect?
I don't collect much of anything. I sort of feel like I live too spartanly, sometimes.

17.) What's the one thing you need the most now?
Good health for everyone I love.

18.) If you can change your nationality/place of origin?
Québécois, probably, to feel closer to that side of my family.

19.) What is your dream job?
I ~will~ have my dream job when I find a contract that lasts more than six months, or pays well enough to compensate for less than that. Ahaha, sorry, rudeness.

20.) What's the last thing that made you proud of/content with yourself?
Registered for all of my student portal nonsense. Yeah, it was that sort of day when it came to productivity. Also, I've lost 4 lbs, but it sucks to recall that I gained 6lbs during Christmas, lost it as soon as I came back to Columbia, and then gained it all back because that's what happens when you celebrate your birthday as a fucking Birthday Month.

20.) Have you done any IRL trolling and, if so, what was it?
You might as well ask if I was born? My first times trolling were in TalkCity in 4th and 5th grade.

- Myself and Stephanie harassed some poor British girl (named djcati) on a few separate occasions and I called her a "total fad" a lot. I was shoddy at my slurs. (Thaaaaaaaaaaat's me, keeping the "insecure baby queers express their own fear through bullying" stereotype alive and well, sorry about that, age mates.) Then we pretended to be grandmothers recruiting her to an online knitting circle. I think I got in trouble for this. Was I beaten? I don't remember, but I sure hope so.

- I was a boy named Elmer Reginald Humping III who lived on Roadkill Drive and made up disturbing stories about my fake sisters that made chatroom adults very concerned about our welfare.

I AM GOING TO STOP TALKING NOW. SPOILER: I WAS A ROTTEN CHILD.

Look at that little bitch! Constantly drunk on power and hugging girls

fuck.

minusforever — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 03:49:53 GMT

My uncle's partner of 30+ years passed away an hour ago. He was in his 80s. I only met him once when I was 3, and I hate that, but more importantly, I hate that I knew him as "Uncle Richard's roommate" instead of "Uncle Karl."

minusforever — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 21:51:18 GMT

It's comforting, watching parts of a military force defy their government in order to fight for their citizens in their country. I just... really hope fate swings in Egypt's favor. The world could use some good news this month.

Gigantic North American mall corporations were super underground and indie in the 2000s, y'all

minusforever — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 18:56:31 GMT

It's things like being told, "Yeah, I'm not going to apply at Hot Topic because it's way too mainstream now, not the way it was in 2004" that make me completely unashamed of my secret hipster heart.

~~To be extra bitchy, this came from an illustration student who doesn't seem to care about the company's excessive and unapologetic plagiarism, because HEY WHATEVER LOL FUNNY SHIRTS!!!!111~~

minusforever — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 09:55:44 GMT

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Lived in a different state. Lived in a different timezone. Thrilled myself pretty much almost every day.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Looks like the only one I didn't keep was "cook more."

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Matthew had a kid. So did Samie. So... no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?

Corellia.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A relationship.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 4th. June 6th. August 15th. September 4th. September 12th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

- ... I just realized I didn't mention that I got into SCAD. Lmao. Hey guys, I got into the #2 ranked art school in North America and it looks like my credits will transfer and I start in March. :D
- Having enough courage to sign the lease of an apartment 4,000,000,000 miles away I'd never stepped into before.
- Having enough willpower to believe, "I want to look back on my life and say I never had a job I didn't love." Not caring that this meant gathering nickels for dinner and bills during the spring. Not caring that I felt like a complete loser. Then getting my first contract of the summer and working all day without leaving my chair. And not caring that my career philosophy was formed by the creator of Rocko's Modern Life having a sleep-deprived conversation with me. Weirder things have happened.
- Not handling my crushes like a 10-year-old. Ignoring a couple of people who had crushes on me when I knew they were never going to do anything about it. Which sounds really heartless, but... *I* am the most awkward/quiet person I know, so, I can tell the difference between being adorably shy/jittery and being a douchebag. *kanye shrug*
- Moving in with Katherine Heigel. I liked her movies and she seemed like a nice person, so I thought, "Cool."
- Going out 3+ nights a week in Columbia. Which doesn't sound like an achievement, but my social life in high school and in LA were entirely academia-based, so... it's odd for me to have non-online friends who I actually went out and met. I didn't make a class roster or club or internship or dorm assignment bring them to me.
- Being able to afford taking my parents on vacation.
- Knowing that moving in with Kyle would put a stop to my panic attacks. Doing formerly insane things I never thought I'd do again, like navigating huge crowds while alone, being inebriated somewhere I didn't live, co-hosting 15+ straight days of parties in my apartment without curling into the fetal position (okay, maybe once or twice), being outdoors for extended periods of time, and so on. Oh! Also, I walked about 30 long blocks in San Francisco from my cousin's condo to my hotel by myself after not eating, on a very hot day, while slightly tipsy, with a dying phone battery, all while in a cheery mood. So. If that isn't proof that I've been replaced by an alien, I don't know what is.
- ( ... I know it's worrying that a lot of my ~achievements~ center around drinking, but if you know anything about my mental health history, I think you can understand why this is actually a Good Deal. And don't worry, because by "drinking," I mean that I'm 22 years old and can still only handle maybe two hipster-approved beers at a time. And anyone who's ever met me makes fun of this. Incessantly. It's all good.)

9. What was your biggest failure?

- Taking so long to get back into school. Granted, I had a few dozen other issues going on and a lot of the Admissions problems were beyond my control, but, I could have made more of an effort. The upside is that I had a lot of time to work, and I got to have two and a half months of doing absolutely nothing, which is how long I hear a regular summer break is supposed to last. Fascinating.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

My magic cylon hybrid fetus aborted itself in February, I assume, because that's when my abdominal weirdness stopped. I got a lot of migraines from not eating. So, nothing a sandwich, motrin, and sacrifices to Pythia couldn't fix.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

CATS.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

- My parents, for dealing with everything mentioned in this entry, even if they weren't there.
- Kyle Marie, for existing. For everything I said in my Thanksgiving entry, plus, for making me "THE Nicole you're going to live with?!?!" LOL, CHURCH. What else haven't I mentioned? Hmm. For helping me mother our nest of felines. Yes. Ilu. ♥
- Mandy, for looking the fuck out for me.
- Polly, Sarah (of the gunxshyed variety), and Lana for a very specific reason. They know what they did. ♥
- Cati and lots of other friends in general for making me smile a lot.
- Caitlin, for being the first person in Columbia to truly treat me as her friend, and not just Kyle's roommate (besides Brittany and Keith and anyone else we've met at the same time, obviously.) I mean, basically the only person in Columbia I don't like is that one chick who, you know, got my best friend fired. Other than that, everyone has been so incredibly welcoming and amazing. Caitlin, though, definitely deserves a special mention. :)
- ALL OF MY OTHER ONLINE FRIENDSSSSSS. The D*C gang and my flist and my Twitter pals and everyone.
- Brittany, for inviting me to be a bridesmaid after knowing me only since April. For being my first friend ever to ask me to be in their wedding.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My mom's initial doctor in November.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, bills, plane tickets.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Other than moving squee: D*C, visits from friendseses, Harry Potter.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Everything off the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack.

17.
a) happier or sadder?

Happier.

b) thinner or fatter?

Thinner.

c) richer or poorer?

Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Writing, roleplaying and otherwise.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Spending.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Tomorrow my parents are inviting the neighbors over for dinner. Then on Christmas day we're opening gifts. Church at some point.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Every day.

22. How many one-night stands?

Jimmy Smits.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Jimmy Sm-- Clown Wras. The Walking Dead. Caprica.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

ALWAYS

25. What was the best book you read?

2010 and I'm just now reading Pillars of the Earth. Leave me alone.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

My Metric obsession led me to caring about Broken Social Scene for the first time. Whoops.

27. What did you want and get?

A lot?

28. What did you want and not get?

Not sure.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I N C E P T I O N

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 22. My parents took me to lunch and I finished writing my Psychology final.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Getting a job earlier. Locking certain friends in closets so they couldn't leave.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Lmao, I don't have any of that.

33. What kept you sane?

Kah-muhrie. Manda-ellen. Pollyanna. Stra Wras. YOU. The usual suspects.

34. Which celebrity do you fancy the most?

It's still Misha right now.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

HCR.

36. Who did you miss?

My parents. And I MISS CATI SO MUCH. I miss all of my friends, online and offline, who I don't get to see much, but she was here for almost a month and I still get sad knowing she's not in Kyle's room when I wake up. Also, my dog and other cats.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Oh my god, this question. No. Do not even.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

"Now, I love Free Bird as much as the next guy, but this is getting ridiculous."

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I have waited with a glacier's patience / smashed every transformer with every trailer until nothing was standing

minusforever — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 11:18:23 GMT

So there is a "wiki" for a media franchise called "Star Wars" and this franchise carries items called "books." I "searched" for information on a particular upcoming "Star War" and found this data which I will now "share" with you:

In an excerpt published in the hardcover edition of Vortex, it is revealed that Valin Horn and Jysella Horn, who were previously frozen in carbonite, reawaken and still suffer from the effects of the Force psychosis that afflicted several other Jedi who were hidden in Shelter during the Yuuzhan Vong War and which was attributed to the mysterious Abeloth hunted by Luke Skywalker and his son, Ben. It does not reveal why the Horn siblings are still affected by it when all the other Jedi recovered since then-- oh my god does anyone really care about Jysella and Valin anymore? Maybe Cati does, but that's it.*

Meanwhile, Han and Leia Organa are suspicious of their granddaughter, Allana, being dirty.

I am very interested and hope to learn more about these developments. Is Allana refusing to take baths until she is rewarded with a better family? Is Jaina furious that her parents want Allana to be clean while she didn't learn about deodorant until she was twenty-seven years old? Have Han and Leia changed their mutual surname to "Organa" in order to avoid various court subpoenas?

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE

* Taken word-for-word from Del Ray's official summary

minusforever — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 10:46:24 GMT

Life! Is weird at the moment. It's been storming this past week and I'm starting to realize that I've built up an arsenal of happy memories of the desert without realizing it. Nostalgia for a home I've never claimed.

I want to see Tron very badly. What do I not want to see? BLACK SWAN. The trailers are giving me heebie jeebies.

I am taking my parents to Solvang for Christmas. I have painted 250+ Continental soldiers + mouths + poses in the past two months. I miss Columbia. I want to put my dog into therapy.

I want a 2011 D*C BSC group and these feelings are wrong.

minusforever — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 04:27:45 GMT

minusforever — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 08:37:30 GMT

- Being able to pay my student loans back through a job related to my major.

- Having a dad who gets excited when it comes to helping me pick out an outfit for Thanksgiving.

- My parents' cats being so much nicer to me this time than when they saw me in the summer, lmao.

- Being raised in a family that's always encouraged me to be myself. Having parents, aunts, and uncles who've never made demands of my own life.

- Going through a crisis and being comforted by the same people who said they'd always be there for me... 10 years ago. 10 years that might as well have been a lifetime.

- Thinking, "There's no way I could ever have friends as cool as those people" but then having that come true like, twenty times in a row. And being shameless enough to admit I'm talking about my friendslist and every single person I've met face-to-face for the first time at D*C. YES, THAT MEANS YOU.

- Being pretty damn healthy this year.

- Having a best friend who is crazy enough to share our names on an apartment lease. Who I can be with all day without worrying about how I look or what I'm eating. Who quietly hisses LEIA WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT at the same time as me whenever we see a hideous piece of white or cream-colored clothing. Who plays with my hair when I'm moody. Who ignores my awkward grumbling and head shakes and "Dammit, Kyle"s when she tells strangers all the reasons she loves me. Who is a sneaky bitch and rarely lets me pay for drinks. Who takes my sketchbooks when I'm not looking so she can draw me pictures. Who fights with me over which one of us gets the Obi-Wan Pez dispenser. Who doesn't yell at me when she comes home and I haven't cleaned. Who makes me go to sleep. Who doesn't let me walk down darkened suburban streets at 2am when I'm barefoot and un-sober and "just want to go play in the rain forest!" Who has a deep, burning hatred for Katy Perry, but still lets me listen to Teenage Dream while riding in her car. Who accepts all the weird shit I do. Who brings me to tears because I know my childhood would have been better if I'd had a sister then.

- Star Wars. :|

- My favorite smilie :|

- :|

- THIS PEN'S EXISTENCE

minusforever — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 04:49:47 GMT

For those of you following along on Twitter, here's an update on my mom. For those of you who aren't, it's cut for heavy hospital-type TMI, lol.

Quick background: My mom's a former diabetic and has had an ulcer on her foot since about August.

On Sunday night, I was switching planes in Houston and called my mom's cell since, for reasons that need their own entry, I had barely made my flight and wanted her to know I'd left Columbia. My dad answered, which was weird, and told me he was driving, following my mom in an ambulance. She'd woken up to her entire foot and half of her calf completely purple. She went to Urgent Care, and the doctor demanded she leave with paramedics for an ER.

As soon as they checked her in and got her examined, the doctor said that she didn't need to stay overnight since the antibiotic drip they were giving her was working really well. Six hours later, it had cleared well enough for her to come with my dad to LAX to pick me up.

Yesterday, I went with her to her doctor appointment. She'd apparently broken her toe within the past month and her ulcer had somewhere infected it; before, there'd been no infection at all, not even in her toe. So, somewhere along the way, she'd contracted one, and the bone infection is what caused the flare up.

The good news about this is that the doctor is sure it was a traumatic fracture. It's super likely, since she has no feeling in her feet at all, and couldn't feel her toe being bent back and forth. WHICH WAS REALLY CREEPY. Anyway, again, that's good, because that means the infection didn't cause the break. It just found its way in and possibly weakened it a bit more.

So right now, she's on a super strong dose of antibiotics for 10 days. Since they basically reduced 90% of the swelling and discoloring at the ER within the first half hour, we're hoping that the rest of the dosage will eradicate whatever's left.

The bad news is that her primary podiatry doctor wants to amputate just based off the fact that her ulcer hasn't gotten smaller since last week. My mom's asking for a second opinion because:

- My mom's doctor... barely examines her. She doesn't even take pictures of the ulcer when she sees her every couple of weeks, so none of us understand how she can say that it's not looking any better. She's not supportive at all.

- My mom's main infusion lab nurse, Terri, is the one who examines her and knows more about the condition of her foot than any of her other caregivers. She's been pleased with how it's looking and says it's been healing. My mom called her today, and Terri definitely recommends a second opinion; in fact, she explained to my mom that there's no reason she needs an amputation unless the bone infection doesn't clear up after this round of antibiotics, and even then, they can still try to treat it. She recommended a referral to an Infections specialist, soooo my mom has an appointment tomorrow to meet with her primary care doctor to get on that track.

- Terri said that she had two diabetes patients this afternoon who were also refusing amputations, and THEIR infections are a lot more progressive and higher than my mom's. So it's good to know that the clinic itself is still supportive of patients who don't want to make a hasty decision. It's also good to know that if it gets any worse, she has a lot more time to decide what to do.

- My mom's had a lot of friends talk to her who've had this before. My dad's boss's wife called tonight and said she had the same thing going on for an entire year before contacting an Infections specialist, so it's really good that my mom's doing it tomorrow.

In the end, the best part is that my mom only really has diabetes in name. It's completely under control to the point where she doesn't even have to take medication for it anymore. The ulcer only formed because it's impossible to reverse the nerve damage that had been done before. This means she's at a lot less risk for peripheral artery disease, which is the biggest critical problem that can arise from this. (She's also quit smoking, takes aspirin, and her blood pressure/cholesterol are all managed, so again, that puts her cardiovascular system at a lot less risk.)

All in all, it's just been a rolleroaster. I'm helping with her saline/medicine drips which... is kinda fascinating, to be honest. :| I'm trying to keep her spirits up and I think going in tomorrow to arrange things and to speak with Terri again will put her in a good mood.

That's what's going on. I wrote most of this so I can keep a record for myself, lol. Thanks to everyone who's been so supportive over the past couple of days, it means to the world ♥

(Any advice from people who've been through this or have had family members/friends/patients with a diabetic foot is definitely welcome.)