Vulnerability comes easy to all of us, but embracing it does not. This’s why we’re often astonished when we meet people who show deep humility, a fruit that blossoms after one sows their seeds of vulnerability. Ergo, like it or like it, if we seek peace, we must first embrace our vulnerability.

So what does that look like? It looks like everyone’s worst nightmare. Because embracing vulnerability requires admitting you don’t know much, if anything, about yourself and the world. It also requires looking at yourself (and the world) from angles you’ve most likely refused to entertain.

If you think you “know who you are,” guess what? You don’t. And if that offends you, that’s because admitting this requires deep humility, a trait that does not come naturally to any of us. But it’s true. None of us know how we appear/come across to strangers and loved ones, because each person views the world differently, so there’s no consensus reality upon which any of us can base our opinions on.

This means none of us really “know who we are.” All of us think and perceive “reality” differently.

Sure, our thoughts feel private, so we think that’s why we “know ourselves,” but what our ego bases its reality on is not just our thoughts about ourself. The majority of our self-esteem and world view is based on what our minds think about “the thoughts of others,” and those are private, and subject to change!

This is why and how our egos make us feel vulnerable. Our minds are quite concerned with what others think about us, and it loves to worry about potential negative opinions of us. Thus, this same ego/mind begs us to seek external validation to combat its disturbing obsession with “what others think about us.”

Some call this vanity, others call it pride, but I just call it “being a human,” because even the wisest, most content humans I’ve met each profess to working on their own mind’s obsession with this.

I want to help people feel at peace. So, if you want to understand the delta between what you think about yourself (in good and bad times) and what others think about you, I’ve developed a short exercise that I “invented” in my twenties, at the height of my personal insecurity (But it still works).

Step 1. Make a list with two columns and put five negative thoughts about yourself in the left column.

Step 2. Now list five negative things someone else has said to/about you in the second column.

Step 3. Make a new list with two columns and put five positive self-thoughts you’ve had on the left side.

Step 4. Now put five positive comments you’ve heard other people say about you on the right side.

Step 5. Take the first list, and juxtapose the two columns of attributes to see your negative biases more clearly. For example, if your thoughts about yourself are harsher than the ones you’ve heard, you’re too hard on yourself and need more self-esteem. However, if your self-negativity is banal compared to what others say, you’ll want to cultivate more humility and self-awareness to spur positive growth.

Step 6. Now analyze the second list of good attributes to see your positive biases more clearly.

Congratulations! Now that you’ve seen a dichotomy of your subjective appearances (plural), you’re ready for the terrifying, humbling truth about self-esteem: Our self-perceptions are not based on reality. They actually come from our minds’ “Thoughts about thoughts.”

“Thoughts about thoughts?” Mike, that’s dumb. In fact, it sounds like psychobabble.

Please! Wait! Just give me a few more sentences to explain…

It’s not our thoughts that trouble us. It’s our thoughts about those thoughts that can ruin us.

We don’t actually care what anyone says or does. What we care about are the thoughts we can’t stop thinking. When someone calls us a name, tells us we suck, or says they hate us, that moment doesn’t hurt. It’s the stinging replay that features “thoughts about thoughts” commentary that derails us.

We loathe the fake conversations we can’t stop having in our mind, the ones where we wish we could go back in time and say or do the right thing. It’s these fake do-overs that stymy our progress. It’s the rueful thoughts about things we did or did not do that justifies and fuels anxiety and low self-esteem.

In case I’m not being clear, I’ll open up and use myself as an example (boo/yay):

I used to think I hated being fat. Then I realized that what I actually hate is thinking I’m overweight. Because when I do this, I think I’m pathetic, which leads to a false belief that when others see me, they’ll judge me for an inability to eat the right amount of calories in a day. To be fair, a lot of this comes from cues I picked up from mono-culture. For example, when I think I’m fat, I recall scenes from movies I watched as a kid where everyone makes fun of the fat kid, because he’s fat, and that’s pathetic.

I’m never going to solve this issue. I’ve lost so much weight that a doctor told me to put a few pounds on, but I was still wearing baggy clothes, slumping behind tables to hide my torso, and walking with my head down hoping no one would look at my disgusting body. (This is called body dysmorphia).

But it’s OK! Because I can ‘solve’ my reaction to these awkward, vulnerable, idiotic thoughts. I can’t control my emotions or memories, but I can monitor and work on my reactions to them, and that’s a reliable path to what I want: humble acceptance of my vulnerability, a disposition that resonates peace.

Societal messaging, advertising, and other attention-grabbers try to mislead us into believing that “other states of minds” are cures for “our thoughts about our thoughts,” but those are bulls**t solutions. A fancy car, a new lover, a fresh beer: these are mood-changers that can only temporarily dull our nasty thoughts. Inevitably, our thought-wars will return, unless we learn to see our thoughts the way we see clouds in the sky (passing, harmless, and out of our control).

One final thought, that’s always helped me. Why are we so afraid of letting others know what we think about ourselves? Why do we put up masks and facades that belie our turmoil? Is this a play from the book of Fake It Til You Make It? Or is it a desperate ploy to trick others into believing that we’re great, extraordinary people, so we can believe it ourselves? I don’t know. But next week, I’ll really shatter the fourth wall of my private life when I release My Most Embarrassing Moment of my Life. Stay tuned…

I’m a human writer, battling AI and giant corporations. Please consider a premium subscription.

This week on Coffin Talk: Olivia Ulmer is a nonprofit Senior Partnerships Manager, raised in Australia and Arizona. A member of Gen Z whose formative years unfolded as social media took over the world, she now brings a thoughtful, grounded perspective to how she lives her life as an adult. LISTEN HERE.