Your window of tolerance: Why you're not broken, just overstimulated
Motherhood, burnout, patriarchy, and hyperarousal
Hi. It’s Micah from Modern Hysteria, your podcast and newsletter about the taboos of women’s brains and bodies.
I wanna tell you about the window of tolerance.
This concept really changed the game for me when I was an overstimulated, overworked mom of a premature baby, and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.
See, I gave myself a really hard time about having a hard time as a new mom. Why was I so irritable? Why did it feel like my nerves were exposed? Why did I have crying jags? Did this mean I was a Bad Mom™️?
When I learned about the window of tolerance, I stopped thinking about my emotional reactions as weaknesses, and starting seeing them for what they are: A nervous system state.
The window of tolerance
The window of tolerance is a trauma psychological term coined by psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel to describe the optimal nervous system state for someone to function.
The window of tolerance is like your nervous system’s comfort zone. When you’re within it, you can handle life’s ups and downs without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Outside it, your brain and body move into survival states: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
When you’re inside your window of tolerance, you can think clearly and make decisions, and you stay connected to yourself and others (even when things aren’t easy).
If you’re outside your window, you are:
→ Above the window of tolerance: Hyperarousal
Might feel panicky, angry, out of control
Your body’s stress response is activated
Racing heart, tense muscles, shallow breathing
→ Below the window of tolerance: Hypoarousal
Numb, detached, depressed, disconnected
emotionally shut down
Low energy and flat affect
People with a history of trauma, chronic stress, or mental health conditions may have a narrower window of tolerance. This means it takes less to get them into hyper- or hypoarousal. It’s easier for them to get overwhelmed and shut down, or experience panic and overstimulation.
The window of tolerance frames emotional reactions as nervous system states (not personal failings)
When women respond emotionally to an experience, often times they’re told they’re overreacting. And many of us have been socialized to believe it; that we’re too irrational or emotional.
The window of tolerance, though, explains that our reactions are biological and not moral. It means that when we “lose it,” we’re not failing or broken. We’re just outside our window of tolerance.
This can explain cycles of burnout and guilt
If you commonly live in a state of hyperarousal — juggling all your work and responsibilities — you may sometimes crash, burn, and swing into hypoarousal, which looks like numbness and exhaustion.
The window of tolerance can help us make sense of this; burnout and detachment are parts of a cycle of overwork and not a shortcoming.
This can also be connected to:
The window of tolerance can help you heal
Instead of trying to be “calm all the time,” the window of tolerance offers a path to staying regulated by noticing when you leave your window. Then, you can use tools like these to return to it:
grounding practices like using the five senses
somatic movement or stretching
creative expression or journaling
connecting with safe people or pets
When we’re literate in our nervous system responses we can see a path forward.
The window of tolerance is a feminist issue
Our patriarchal culture tends to keep women in a state of overwork, vigilance, and hyperarousal, like: We have to do everything and be everything to everybody.
There’s a fear of judgment. Patriarchy enforces the idea that women should be the most palatable versions of themselves at all time, and that being too “much” risks rejection. The self-policing and hypervigilance that comes with these norms can keep us in fight-or-flight states of hyperarousal.
Plus, patriarchal capitalism rewards “good” women who self-sacrifice. The women who hold down the fort and run the home. The women who carry the emotional burdens of the family and do invisible labor without complaint (“How do you do it all!?”).
The nervous system sees these items as a threat, though; there’s only striving, never safety. The impossible expectations keep us running.
It makes sense that at times, then, we’d exceed our window of tolerance just doing everyday life.
The takeaway
Your emotional reactions aren’t character flaws — they’re nervous system responses to living in a world that constantly demands too much of women.
Understanding the window of tolerance helps you see that feeling overwhelmed, angry, or numb isn’t personal failure — it’s your body signaling that you’ve exceeded your capacity. When we stop pathologizing women’s emotions and start recognizing them as biological responses to chronic stress and patriarchal pressure, we open the door to real healing, regulation, and self-compassion.
That’s it for this post, friend.
Thanks for reading. What do you think? Leave me a comment and let me know (I read every single one).
— Micah
This is so good, Micah. Both the explanation of WOT and how it plays into patriarchal norms that we have to keep going and going and going, and then beat ourselves up for not doing better.
I felt the same way with both my kids. I regularly had the thought, "Why is this so hard for me? Literally billions of women do this and I'm finding it awful. What is wrong with me? Turns out, nothing. I just didn't have the support or the healing I wish I would have had at the time.
I learned about the window of tolerance from my own therapist a few years ago, but your post explains it and gives it more context beautifully. Thank you!