The sin(e)s and joys of a recovering geek

First post of 2026

merzb — Mon, 12 Jan 2026 23:52:56 GMT

Here's some objective/resolutions for this year:

Health:

Regular health check-ups (iron, vitamin d, cholestrol, shit like that) and dental check-ups
Work out regularly: run, pole, calisthenics
Sleep enough
No caffeine

Community:

Pole/running
Keep in touch with people (sort out telegram/signal situation)
Good communication with boyfreeen
Take mom to Paris in the summer

Work:

Track work
No procrastination: no bbc/reddit at work
Send emails straight away whenever possible
Optimize for deepwork/flow state
Get a grant
Apply to positions in Europe

Wealth:

Sort out swiss money
Pay additional 10% in the mortgage

Vibes:

Drawing / art
Journal more
Ukraine hangs (TBD)

Quick update

merzb — Thu, 17 Aug 2023 19:08:15 GMT

Things have been quite intense. I feel I always say this, but it’s true. I moved from Ann Arbor to Columbus last weekend. Changed jobs, I am now a real assistant professor. Trying to understand where I am trying to go in the grand scheme of things.

On the 1st of August I also to Heidelberg to see this guy I’ve been dating since end of February (long distance), as a “fuck it” let’s see what going to happen.

I had a conversation with him a few days before, where basically he was unable to tell me whether he wants to end things or to progress. After that, I went to the bar with my friend , and we drank a good amount and discussed Nietzsche, until at some point, it popped in my head, I should go see this guy in Germany before I start my semester. So we texted him… “Hey, I was thinking about coming to Germany for a week”. And that was that. I went there. It was nice but also bittersweet. He is still confused and unable to make a commitment. I think I finally understood, I think I did all I could do, and in a way, it didn’t make a difference. I am glad I went there tho. My friend told me, at least you had the balls to do it — even if they got crushed. My friend told me the story about this girl he was in love with for a long time, and even bought several plane tickets to go see her, but never had the balls to do it. So in a way, I feel like I did this for both of us — to take a chance, even if I got my balls busted.

To be vulnerable is to be brave. To fight for the things you want is important. Even if it’s met with failure. I’ve been meeting failure often these days. But it’s ok — I keep trying, until the end.

Last entry was wank.

merzb — Tue, 08 Mar 2022 16:15:00 GMT

Shit's been weird and I don't have the patience to type everything out. there's anxiety, compassion, empathy. I just returned from Europe. I don't know how the world will look like in a few months, I just hope it will be ok.

a quicky

merzb — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 12:31:00 GMT

I got shitfaced on Saturday and I think I am just starting to get my brain chemicals back in place. It was rough. I keep having kinda dark thoughts about life, relationships with others and things like that. At times, I feel kinda stuck, like I am stuck in my patterns of thinking and thus, it's not possible to get out of the same loops that I've created. But I am not a closed system, I interact with others — so, in principle, it should be possible to get enough external input that these internal loops change. That is provided I am open to it.

Maybe this sounds like a metaphor. Maybe, I ought to be more clear in my speech — language is a packaging for your thoughts, I read recently. It kinda is. The more eloquent you can be, the more others can possibly stand a chance at understanding you.

Objective reality is barely useful when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I think. I don't know man.

I'm really tired. But, I have been writing this long lecture series that I will share here at some point, for no other purpose than I am not sure why. A professor in the department said maybe I could turn it into a book, which I am not that interested in, but if I fix all the typos and what not, I'll publish this on arxiv. PEAK VIBES.

merzb — Wed, 21 Jul 2021 18:33:37 GMT

I am having trouble doing some things — like I want to write about a certain topic but I get kinda, performance anxiety. I get stuck on formatting and I don't know what else. I have an idea but then because there are so many things I get concerned about — like, where to publish it, where to write, how to write, that I end up not doing it. Which sucks.

Proper performance anxiety. I don't like it. I need to get over myself.

merzb — Mon, 10 May 2021 16:39:28 GMT

It's as if it has vanished -- my necessity to write, to understand what's going on in my head. I gave up trying to understand, is that what I ought to infer? I don't know man, it's just, too much effort, too much pain. To articulate things. Articulating things is the first step towards understanding towards change, but it has become more and more difficult.

Is it because I don't articulate this anymore to those around me? It might. It's long hours of silence and lack of social contact. When it exists, it's sporadic and you ought to make the best out of it -- you're not supposed to dig deep and blurt out things which are too serious... or are you? I think you are. But if you're insecure and scared that other's will not comprehend or take the time to comprehend, even if you're saying bullshit, then it kinda makes sense, why you would be detered to try.

I guess. Who knows.

Life's being lived -- somewhat. It continues, it exists. I thought about death recently, in the midst of puking my guts out for over 6 or 7 hours. Upset stomach. Pepto-bismol, what a gross american invention, pink and slimy and gross and definitely does not tame my nausea down. I thought about death because I felt weak and because I am dramatic, I guess. I didn't feel much either way -- no happiness nor sadness, only a faint desire that if I do die, the relevant parties get notified timely: my family, my work, my friends. Definitely do not want a bunch of pissed people thinking I'm just being a dickhead, avoiding responsibilities and calls, when my dead body is am rotting away in my bed. Does it makes sense to even call it it mine, given I do not exist anymore? That's another question to be kept from normal social interactions, I suppose.

I don't have many interesting thoughts lately. I got high on Sunday. Took a hit. I don't like being high. It's the n-th time I try it out, and it's the n-th time I think to myself, why the fuck would I enjoy not being able to process information properly, not being able to keep more than two sentences in memory, to ramble and understand I forgot why I started such rant. There's a lot of doubt that comes into when you're high -- a mild paranoia that you must keep at bay. I managed, sucessfully. Does it mean I have a better control over my mental states?

I think I do. There's definitely a lot less volatility when it comes to my emotions -- they are bounded, upper and lower bounded. Is it because I take anti-depressants? I am not sure... I don't think so, I don't think buproprion is supposed to regulate emotions that much -- if anything it's kinda anxiety inducing. Meh, who knows.

Sometimes, when I walk on the street, I feel a glimpse of hope. Like, this dream state that I entered, back in 2017 has never really left me. And in this dream state, there are moments which are hyper-real, hyper-intense, for no good reason. Just walking down the road and the sky is kinda blue and a little bit of sunshine is beaming down, even if it's cold, and it feels nice. And suddenly things feel kinda nice and all this drama, uncertainty, discomfort kinda melts away, momentarily. James talked about how he likes seeing the sun rays going through clouds, how it's like a 3-D beautiful sky in Seattle.

I don't know where I am going. There are things that happen and I don't pay enough attention to them for them to become a thing.

On friday I sat down in my couch and started looking up random papers. I miss mathematics, I miss numerics. I do miss thinking about differential equations instead of stupid data science. I don't think data science is cool anymore. I don't know if I think machine learning is cool past doing funny projects. I am going down the list of things I have to do, and I have been doing some of them -- some better than others. This list never quite ends but it does become shorter if I pay enough attention, if I focus.

It's possible to focus. There's hope. There's beauty to be found.

merzb — Tue, 12 Jan 2021 21:12:05 GMT

the weight of a choice
is most heavy
while it can be undone.
so i let time pass slowly
stubborn and angry
I keep my hands crossed
resisting the urge to
waiver in uncertainty.

I will write a proper entry soon. Been writing a lot on my paper journal.

merzb — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 15:38:39 GMT

You can always strive to be better, it's "just" a matter of energy. My supply of energy has been very sporadic, very unpredictable.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time in bed, thinking about ways to kill myseslf. It's either depression or a cold. But I know, as well, there are plenty of things I can do to make things better, it's just a question of being bothered or not.

When I smoke on my balcony, there's a good amount of silence and I keep wondering if I dedicated two weeks of my life living in a way I know is a good (or at least better) way than right now, how would I feel afterwards?

Like a life where I actually eat proper meals, where I don't procrastinate, wake up at the same hours everyday and take a shower, go to bed at sensible times, exercise, do not over use social media... I think I'm gonna try this thing out. It's only two weeks, just to see, if I actually don't self sabotage and act like a fucking idiot, how far could I go?

meditations and fear

merzb — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 18:18:32 GMT

On the speakers the playlist "Time capsule" is playing. It's the killers - somebody told me. Despite making the 14 year old version of me cringe, I kinda dig it.

Thing about american highways is the maximum posted speed is in practice, the bare minimum speed that you must travel on, so I find myself going at 95mph (150km/h). Significantly less than Joji's 777 200mph, but I enjoy it.

A change of scenery is always helpful. I enjoy what is happening. I enjoy how the weather is hot and humid and seeing familiar faces. Even if I am still working (possibly more than in Ann Arbor), I am finding some new motivation.

There are some questions in my mind, that I have no answer to, but that I would like to meditate on. Like:

1. what is the hardest thing I have ever done (for example, decision wise)?
2. what is the thing I am most proud of?
3. what was the scariest time in my life?
4. what are the important things in a partner?
5. how do i want my life to look like, in 5 years?
6. what was the most difficult time in my life?
7. what was a morally reprehensible thing I've done?
8. what was a morally ambiguous situation I have been in?
9. what am I most ashamed of? do I have dark secrets?

Can you answer some or any of these questions? I have no clue for all these questions! But I think it's work knowing some type of answer.

mind your business and try to do good for yourself

merzb — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 20:11:46 GMT

These last few days have been strange, a strange haze of busyness which was not been necessarily pleasant. I need to (re)think many things, that is one conclusion. I find myself repeating: Need to figure stuff out. But if you repeat the same words too much, they kind of stop making sense, making impact. It becomes like a hum in a conversation. Like a like. Need to figure stuff out.

Today one of my friends from AA is flying to the UK - moving permanently. Man, that sucks, doesn't it? We said goodbyes, I didn't go to the airport, low key regret it, but 1 hour more or less does not make much of a difference. Bluntly, I am not sure about the people I know here, those who remain. People are nice and polite, but there's no connection. I am not quite sure. I can't connect. I find myself sometimes cancelling plans because I don't quite want to see these people. I think it is because there is a lot of drinking envolved and possibly shallow conversations.

As the temperature drops, I want to sit and be melancholic. I feel the urge to drive through the night listening to music with my phone off. There's a fundamental loneliness that it's not quite fixed regardless of those around me, regardless of incessant calls to my friends abroad. I love my friends so much but I need to figure stuff out. It's partly because I just can't be honest enough - and because of that, it's uncomfortable to talk to people. It's my problem, I know, it's my problem. Vulnerability is hard to master, I made good progress over the years, but these last months I have gone back a bit. It's no wonder, you need to be a robot as much as possible to remain functional over hard times.

I am not giving up on people yet, though. Whenever I get energy, I seek out people to hang out. But I also need to do things which make me feel human again. I have been painting more. I like that, I like the being in the moment type of vibe, as hippy dippy as that sounds. I paint for myself, things which are not necessarily pretty or polished. Eventually, I will probably show them to others, good old Instagram Clout. But for now, they are just splatters of paint directly drawn from my head.

Today, I will pass by the pole dancing studio after 7 months. I am excited. I miss it so much. It might be stupid, but it's like the sport I have been doing for years, that I have competed in (despite not being sucessful), have performed, bla bla bla bla bla whatever. It's kinda part of me. It is, indeed, a hobby I have built up over the years.

In terms of my mental state, I think I am more or less ok. Like, I could be worse, but I think I have adopted a bit of a too relaxed approach. If I am being lazy, I kinda let myself be lazy, although I fucking hate myself, but I don't hate myself enough to not be lazy. It's kinda strange, kinda unsettling. I have been turning down opportunities lately, I am scared of having too much on my plate. Am I getting better at judging my limits, or am I getting more and more complacent? I am not sure. It's not like these opportunities that I turn down make me feel too much either, so I think it's like, there's a general lack of interest in things. Like, meh. Bah.

So here's a list of shit that gets me excited:

- pole dancing
- mathematical proofs
- painting
- driving my car
- the boy
- talking to my brother
- talking to my friend in london

Things that really don't make me excited:

- food
- machine learning
- supervising students
- giving talks about data science
- applications
- getting drunk too often
- being insecur as fuck
- smoking

stuff to be mindful about

merzb — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 14:53:42 GMT

1. don't humble brag
2. don't put others down
3. don't share your pain willinilly

isolation diaries 49: exhausted

merzb — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 23:15:33 GMT

It's hard to verbalize precisely what is going on. But life doesn't feel like real life these days. For months on end, life's been on hold. I hold the words of Ray Dalio close to heart, that it takes 18 months for habits to be formed. I hope he's right. It means I am not yet what I have become, these past months. I think I feel anger, frustration. Like, I am not sure over what - is it over my decisions, to leave Europe and come here or my decision to stay here? No, I can not feel regret. And like, I don't feel regret. I feel angry at myself for wasting time, for being lazy, for having no motivation. For being a weak ass little whiny bitch.

My life's not quite worth living, or at least, I do not feel anything except exhaustion. And the problem is not life itself, it's me. I am the problem, I make these decisions and I live through them, and I feel sad, but I can't do it in other ways, either. I feel like I need to go back to the past, way back when, I destroy my perception from back then. I discussed with someone recently. If we stop being the way we are, are we still us?

It's like being in Alaska and working towards eventually seeing my family and friends. I know it's not the same, but it kinda is. I can't see my family until probably December, if I am lucky. If USA gets its shit together. I mean, I can, but it means fragmenting my life further into pieces, which I am not ready yet. It's true, if it gets that bad, I could just say fuck it and leave.

If people easily forget you, maybe you're just forgetable. It kinda sucks to think about this, but it's kinda true. Right now, I have not much to offer. And relationships are transactions, kinda. I don't say this bitterly, but it's how I think it works.

I've made some progress with investments. I got that going on for myself. :-D

merzb — Mon, 13 Jul 2020 19:40:36 GMT

You see yourself become a person you don't quite want to be, but you allow it. More like, I allow it. The confusion between feeling things and simulated feelings. Doing things for the sake of their amusement, doing things for the sake of how meaningless life is.

If you're doing something worth it, intense and hard, maybe you are supposed to sacrifice things, including happiness and comfort. Lately I have been sad without doing much, without producing anything that justifies the suffering. So, I guess, all this suffering is just suffering for no good reason. I have to get my shit together - go back to hard thinking. Replace the bad thoughts by complicated enough thoughts that do not allow parallel thoughts, kinda thing.

Get intensely into things. I have feeling dead. One of Erdos famous quotes / vocabulary is saying that people die when they stop doing mathematics. I've been dead for a while, indeed.

Take on good vibes

merzb — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 14:30:08 GMT

I celebrated 4th of July with friends from Michigan. We drove 3 hours or so to get to Lake Michigan, were we rented a large house. It was fancy as fuck. Note: I wanted to use bougie but I looked up the meaning of the word, which seems to be acting high class/wealthy while not being high class/wealthy, and I think in this case, we have to eat our hats and accept we are kinda in a good place, financially.

It was crazy and cool. We drank a lot, a lot, a lot and had these stereotypical 3 am talks over cigarettes and warm wine about life, the universe and everything else. I am glad I found people who are insanely smart, eloquent and funny. You know, going from doing one hand cartwheels while holding a cigarette (my friend Guillaume taught me!) to discussing the nature of fundamental physics and the limits of dark energy/dark matter models in a span of 45 minutes (he's an astrophysicist) is kinda a great sign that I will get along with people. Another person who joined our group, the most insane drunk person, is a medical doctor with an insane curiosity about the world, just about able to hold up any type of conversation. The list goes on but yea, I won't bore you with it.

The first night we partied like crazy, then I talked a lot with Guillaume about random stuff, he's moving to the UK soon. Eventually, it was 5:30AM and the sun started to rise, so I made myself coffee and started working (while he went to sleep). I got in around 2 hours of work before people woke up - submitted an application and checked the last stages of our publication (called proofing, just to see if the editor has edited things properly.). The rest of the weekend was kinda a sleep deprived haze of arguments, drinking, jokes and good vibes.

It was fucking great.

I am still alive, you know? Inside, I am still alive and curious and I love people's stories, which was something I was almost was not sure if it was the case anymore.

I've been writing on my real journal

merzb — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 13:11:35 GMT

In attempts to understand myself better, I wrote a list of things I enjoy and don't enjoy.

things i enjoy:
smoking 1 cigarette
being away from my phone / computer
running
sunshine and good weather
taking pride in my work
finishing pieces of work
spending time with the right people
enjoying food mindfully
not overeating
being energetic
silly ideas for stories
having new ideas
a clean/uncluttered flat
feeling human
having attention from people i find attractive
being aware of my feelings
connection with family and friends
doing the right moral things - according to my morals
doing things (being active)
pole dancing
being funny / making people laugh
being inspirational / positive thing for others
having a community / being part of a community
being self sufficient
taking initiative
making decisions (being able to make decisions)
being grounded
deep concentration
good cup of coffee (medium roast italian)
being physically fit

things i don't enjoy:
being morally weak
being too much in my head
uncertainty
not being productive
not having control over my time
being passive
feeling neglected
sleeping poorly
eating out of boredom
being scatterbrained
wasting time
feeling lost
feeling depressed
unmotivated
being lonely
being taken advantage of
feeling useless
being stupid
having low energy
discomfort
feeling ignored
too much noise/distractions
people liking me that i don’t like back
people i like not liking me back
listening to too much music

Anoeyed

merzb — Tue, 16 Jun 2020 11:05:13 GMT

Take risks and go for the things you want. Beh, that's it innit. If someone doesn't like it / some situation is not fit, oh well. Shucks. I like being the active part. It might come accross as pushy, and it probably is. And yea, that's it. I will take an L if that's the case. And move on, and keep taking risks and trying to go for things that I want.

But, am I too pushy that will, incidentally, push people AWAY from me, for being this pushy? I kinda hope not, but it is something to consider and to pay attention to.

I think I like being the person who does the choosing and chasing because it gives me a sense of control and agency (OR, I have been conditioned so badly, that this is what I think I like).

I wrote a list of stupid things that I want from life, here's this list:

1. Create culture - writing, podcasting, painting (in order of more relevant to less relevant. I think writing has the most potential to reach people. Although I love painting and drawing, it's often abstract and a harder medium to convey information)
2. Create knowledge - medical AI, user privacy, fundamental mathematics (again, from order of relevancy)
3. Have a family
4. Be financially well off - investing, saving money
5. Go on Joe Rogan's podcast (as the ultimate I am a relevant person token!)

It's kinda a joke, kinda a real thing. I don't know, I feel like I am stagnating, like I am not focused these days. Fuck, I WANT TO STOP BEING A LOSER.

isolation diaries 25: stability

merzb — Mon, 25 May 2020 19:49:57 GMT

25-05

I can't stop touching my phone. It's so enticing, to check out others' lives, check out nonsense, aimlessly refresh and scroll. For some small amount of time, my concentration is totally shifted to the pretty colours of the screen - I don't know how many DPI, but probably more than my unfocused eyes can distinguish.

Someone I know here in Michigan is full on dellusional. I met this person by chance, but he's the only person who lives close by and smokes, so we smoke every now and then, go for walks. It's unsettling to talk to someone who is both rational and smart, and completely insane. He tries to escape his thoughts by doing drugs and acting crazy, and I mostly feel sorry for him - that he has not been able to keep a set of friends to hold him sane. It makes me realise, if I hadn't found the people I did, back in the days of London and Zurich (heck, even Lisbon), I might have become a very different person. It hit me that I owe so much of my sanity and success to my close friends and to my brother. There were some moments that really could have changed everything - but luckily, I had people around me that cared about me. I am super grateful about it.

It makes me think of categories of relationships - you'll have 3 in my framework: those who are draining (negative), energising (positive) and neutral. And the controversial thing I have realised is that it's less situational and more personal. Like, the person itself is draining, energising, or neutral. For example, I never felt drained when helping some of my friend's. For a long time, I didn't understand what people meant about being drained by other's problems, like, maybe I partly lack the empathy to feel bad over someone feeling bad. But I think it was just because I was inherently not drained by these people.

Anyway, so the idea is, 3 categories of people. And you better surround yourself with those who energise you, and minimise those who drain you. It's rare to find people who energise you, though. I haven't found people here in the US. It's nothing that they have to put effort in, by the way, it's hard to explain. I think some people are just energizing others without thinking about it, you know?

It's getting harder and harder to exist with this limited external output. I feel like once I have the opportunity, I will literally lick someone. Yesterday was a chill day - I worked a bit during the afternoon (seriously, fuck me, this paper never ends, I hate it so much), cleaned my place, skyped family and a friend of mine. I called her around 7pm and the sun was still out, the weather was nice and hot, quite humid. We talked and smoked cigarettes through the camera, it felt nice. My life feels more and more moviesque - do you also have this feeling? Like, it's bright and beautiful and warm, and everything feels kinda strange. It's strange to have such feelings through screens. I want to use my phone less, but at the same time, it's my connection to the world. I have been averaging like 4.5 hours a day on my phone. Isn't that fucking insane? There was a time I averaged less than 1 hour. It makes me feel embarassed.

isolation diaries 22: blinding lights

merzb — Thu, 21 May 2020 14:10:42 GMT

21-05

I've been listening to "The Weeknd - Blinding lights" on repeat. It makes me want to go in the sun and smoke, and sometimes it makes me want to cry.

I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights
No, I can't sleep until I feel your touch

I don't know why this line in particular hits. What's the purpose of life, in the end? My friend and I discussed about how we are supposed to be useful. This rings true. Useful is a hard thing to properly grasp tho - is what I do useful? Probably not in the grand scheme of things - whatever that means! But, so, if not useful, then what? I guess it's to do things. I keep saying this, I know. Like, doing new things, creating things, processing some information and pushing it out in some form. I think this is the trick - I am drawn to those who do stuff, who have a need to create.

The sentiment of being broken permanently due to this lockdown, to this social isolation feels strong. I keep telling my friends to not worry, that once these things are over, with external stimuli, things will go back to normal - mental health wise. But sometimes, it does creep in my mind - how long do things have to occur such that they become permanent, such that they become habits, such that they fundamentally change you?

I used to think that things evolved in a continuum, always. I even tried to formalise personality like a continuous dynamic system. Like, you start with some initial condition for your psyche and the dynamics (external stimuli) drive your psyche, taking it to good or bad places. But more and more, I think really, external stimuli can cause discontinuous jumps. Like, it's not like something which is a trajectory, you can speed up or speed down, but you can't telepor, but... maybe my analogy was not correct. Maybe you can really have a sharp discontinuity between psyche at some previous time before whatever event and after.

isolation diaries 13: it changed my life ?

merzb — Sun, 10 May 2020 17:20:35 GMT

10/05

I called M (he's one of my best friends who lives in ___) recently and we talked about Stoner, the book I mentioned I read recently. It keeps coming back to this fucking book.

Spoilers, by the way, if you keep reading.

Like the way I understand the book is that it's about this guy who never bothered(*) to think about how he felt and never had the guts to be in a confrontation. And because of these two things, his whole life is just very, very, very sad. M said: "you're always making a choice - even when you don't actively make one."

Yea man, choices are being made all the time, regardless of whether you are a passive or an active part of the choice (circling back to some lecture of Jordan Peterson...). The times you let things slide, the times you roll over and let someone else dictate what you should do, the times you don't actively stand up and say "FUCK OFF", you are still making a choice.

It's such a fucking cautionary tale. It fucking aggitates me because I see myself in Stoner. For many reasons - the fact he doesn't properly understand his internal states - or he doesn't really seen to introspect about what he wants or what he doesn't want, the fact he's non confrontational and the fact he's obsessed with the image of being an academic / professor, at the expense of sabotaging the only thing that seemed to bring him genuine happiness. It makes me think of all the times I chose my career over things that made me happy. The unwillingness of letting go of the title of being an academic without a strong reason to keep holding onto it. The times things happened and then I realised - fuck, I had no idea how I felt about it, until it happened. I remember telling Phi: "I didn't know I loved you this much." when we broke up. And it was true. I did, I loved him way more than I thought I did. In my head I built up a narrative which I did not properly check with my feelings, somehow? Man, I sound like a hippie.

Yea, so this book, that was quite depressing and annoying, kinda opened my eyes a bit. M confirmed, it also opened his eyes a bit.

I talked to Steve recently and he ressonated a similar vibe - how most people he interacts are not able to deal with confrontation. In the casino he sees a lot of fights which consist of one guy beating up another guy. That people are not used to defending themselves anymore. In this world, if you are not scared of confrontation, you will go much further.

I don't know if I agree with this vibe. But it's something to keep in mind. There's two things that are important to take away from this:
1) Be aware of your internal states
2) Be ok with confrontation

M talked about how like, being agreeable (non confrontational) was sorta being easy going and I disagreed. It's like, agreeable is not not having an opinion or a particular wish - it's HAVING a wish and not acting on it because you don't want to confront people. So having wishes is part of 1).

Yea it's a fucking rant. ByE. LOVE YOU ALL.

(*) Never bothered, in the sense, he never even KNEW this was a thing. This is the fucking trick right? You grow up in life and you're most often NOT equiped with all the tools of self introspection and how to deal with emotions, how to make the right decisions. I guess parents should play a role, I guess therapy helps. But it's insane how, the more I know people, the more I realise we have fundamental gaps in how to operate as humans , but we often don't have gaps in how to be employees or productive members of society.

isolation diaries 9: feeling like myself

merzb — Tue, 05 May 2020 13:09:56 GMT

5/05

Yesterday I went to do pull ups and went so strong that I almost puked. Good job, Maria. I worked ok most of the day, worked after dinner. The conversation with Phi threw me off and I wasted a good 3 hours (includes lunch, the conversation plus the time to get less butthurt), so that can improve. I started reading some more books and I am trying to consolidate my vision for the future.

The core hasn't changed. I ultimately want to create culture. This is a vague statement, though. What sort of culture? Scientific culture? If so, I guess I am low key doing it - but it's not enough. I think I need to try my hand at proper communicating science type of thing. I have a few ideas, outreach talks I wrote and some that I gave, and how I could potentially make them into youtube videos. The whole thing makes me kinda cringe tho, like, exposing myself, that's kinda... nah - awkward. But I think back of Edward Snowden's talk, where he says that the best we can do is to share our knowledge and hope that this will lead to change. I had to hold back my tears during his talk - it was a mix of exhaustion (flying to Geneva, running part of a conference, networking, making sure the people we invited were doing well, be smart and sharp, and a mix of pure admiration and respect.)

I thought about idols last night while I couldn't sleep. Who are the idols in my life, and if I can pinpoint them, can try to extract what I admire about them, and consequently, how to align myself with them? When I was 12, my idol was Kurt Cobain - it was a mix of being in love with him (in the most pre-pubescent, innocent way), admiring his love for art - music, drawing, and suicidal vibes (that I very much subscribed to).

Between 12 and now... It's been 16 years. So, who are my idols/people I admire? If I think about it hard but not too hard, the following names pop up in my head:
Paul Erdös: his absolute passion for mathematics
Edward Snowden: for choosing to do what he thought was the right thing even if it meant going through with it alone
My brother: for his stoic vibes - we had the same upbringing, but he managed to become a better human than I have

I'll keep thinking about this, I think.

isolation diaries 4: the eternal monologue

merzb — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 18:12:32 GMT

What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want? I want a sense of belonging. It sounds fucking vague. But I want a reason to stay somewhere. Isn't that like, hoping for someone to save me? I guess, kinda is. There's a bitter taste on my throat. I have been crying a lot these past few days. What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want? I want to be a Machine Learning expert and I want to communicate science. I can't concentrate and my work sucks. I can't put my ideas in order. What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want? I want to feel ok. Not happy, not sad, ok. At peace. I feel a constant turbulence rising. The back of my throat is bitter. What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want? I want to generate culture, I want to create things that people can relate to, that make others feel less alone, misunderstood, I am not sure what. What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want? I want to make a difference. I want to exist and be seen, to not feel like my life has been wasted in a tiny detail, to not feel like all I did on earth was to consume resources. What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want?

merzb — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 20:49:06 GMT

I have an interview with a big cool thing organization for a summer "remote" internship/hackathon thing, and my friend told me one of the questions he got asked was:

What projects are you proud of?

Low key hate having to think about this. Honestly, nothing. If I want to pass to the next phase, I better say something "cool" and not too nerdy. Like, I am happy about the result of one of my publications which establishes connections between two timestepping methods - it has the right amount of mental masturbation (proofs), it's a nice unifying framework of two distinct methods and it was like, a random question I had that seemed to be interesting enough for the very small applied mathematics niche I work in. But I can't say this - it's so nerdy, not enough "impact". So I have to come up with one thing that connects to people, whatever. Fuck off. To be proud.

GROSS!

I need to do more things which are just enjoyable. Just stupid, random things. I have been so uninspired lately. I have been uninspired for YEARS. The more knowledge and more technical abilities I develop, the less I feel like using them for random funny projects.

In 2018, me and some people made a code (people called it artificial intelligence) that played pong well only when you were looking at it. So it was like an art installation, where if you get close enough to the laptop and the camera detects your gaze, it makes the artificial intelligence agent put effort into playing pong against the computer. It was so enjoyable and DUMB, SILLY, TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR. But it was fun. It was pure stupidity.
video here

A friend of mine used an expression recently, about being offended by how random or pointless something was. I miss the times I was energetic and creative enough to just do something for the sake of doing it - however pointless and random it was. But I feel so exhausted for so long. It's like my soul has been dying and dying and dying and dying and dying. And yet, I live. I am still here. An empty shell of being. Productive, allegedly. I wish I could come back to life.

merzb — Mon, 13 Apr 2020 03:10:42 GMT

Today I wrote down a list of things that I know I am doing, which are making the situation (that being my life) worse.

It's not a nice list to write and dwell about, but it gives names and forms to the ways that I am fucking up. So here it goes, a bit uncurated and repetitive, but I encourage you to do the same, if you've been struggling with feeling alright these days:

1. Smoking too much
2. Drinking too much
3. Looking at social networks to numb my brain
4. Isolating myself / ignoring people I care about when I feel bad / feel like I should be uplifting
5. Wasting time - procrastinate while I should be working
6. Eating poorly
7. Skipping work-outs
8. Going to bed too late
9. Surrounding myself with noise (podcasts, tv shows, youtube, music) and silencing my thoughts
10. Using tinder
11. Allowing people to monopolize my time
12. Postponing things I should do: like chores, paying bills, calling someone
13. Constantly allowing myself to get distracted
14. Not being totally honest
15. Feeling sorry for myself but not accepting the pain / not doing anything about it
16. Not letting myself cry enough (shut up, it's lame but I gots to do it sometimes)
17. Constantly pretending I am working, while I am half assed working and doing other shit at the same time
18. Not being rigorous with my schedule

Do it for yourself

merzb — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 13:42:34 GMT

It's not an easy situation for anyone. If I am not very happy right now, it has reasons, namely, it's hard to be in a new place and in isolation. That's all. A friend of mine realised yesterday, when he was asking me how I was doing, and telling me it's been totally ok for him - he lives with his partner, in the community he has known for many years. He recognized it was not easy for me, and I sorta appreciated that, but at the same time, I don't need other people to recognize it, I don't need other people to tell me I am doing better than expected.

I think I am, knowing myself.

It's still hard. Saying I am happy or even just ok is not accurate but that's normal, it's because it's a hard situation. And what I can do is to keep being fine enough, keep up healthy habits, don't self-sabotage: eat well, sleep well, call home, work, exercise, think in a productive way, and wait until the situation gets better.

Wishing to be happy or to feel happy right now will probably only result in disappointment. Like, I do all these things and I still feel bad, why? Of course you will feel bad! The situation sucks! It's like, when bad things happen, it will suck, and you won't be happy. And that's only normal. But will you fall apart? That's the test. Do you feel bad because of the situation, or are you making your situation worse? That's the thing to keep in mind. Do as good as possible. And be patient. Things will change. And things will get better, they always do, but it takes time.

Lots of love.
<3

16 days in isolation.

merzb — Fri, 03 Apr 2020 13:42:01 GMT

So it's been 16 days (approximately, I am not good at counting days) that I have been home.

This last week was kinda rough. I am working sub par (I haven't yet found the best way to concentrate), and my zurich advisor has been bored at home, I presume, so we interact a lot and discuss a lot, which means we made good progress on the paper, but also that I pretty much worked exclusively on this topic. Not being able to work very well - I make mistakes and fuckups, etc and in general just felt stupid a lot, which compounded with loneliness, started getting to me a bit, and all these thoughts of me being stupid and not deserving a PhD are resurfacing. It doesn't matter if this is indeed true or not - for a long time I was able to work despite this, and now, these thoughs evade my head when I am working, and it's hardly helpful.

Finally, most things seem to be working well, so forward with the paper!

Another thing I noticed was that initially, I was very eager to talk to people - and now, I don't really want to. I stopped responding to most texts and requests for calls, sporadic ways to hang out. Like, I don't want to talk, leave me alone. I feel annoyed and it's a weird feeling, because usually I find people very interesting.

I feel like I am regressing a bit to my 15-17 year old self. When I was living in Portugal, I wasn't allowed to leave the house much except for school and music school, so most of my social life was online. I was painfully shy and much more of a loser than I am right now. I wasn't able to articulate properly and I was very scared of social interaction (like, I would pretend to stare at my phone or look the other way when I saw people I knew and wanted to talk to). Now, I am low key concerned that the person I have been building for the past 10 years - after I left home, is getting dorment. For a good reason, mind you. The person I become is this super annoying extroverted, need attention, loud, touchy person. Maybe this is a good coping mechanism for the situation, to go back to being the misantropic, "I need nobody but videogames and online friends, the external world is anyways annoying", type of vibe. But still, it's a regression in my opinion.

Of course all this is sorta seasonal. This week was rough, I slept less than usual. I also exercise less, so yea, just fleeting thoughts that maybe don't mean much.