Prototype boy, with only ideals for tomorrow

Untitled ~For Her~

2014-09-03T03:37:17Z

Sometimes people leave your life without being fully aware of the impact they had on you or without a simple way to explain who or what they were to you. This is for one such person. I've put it together bit by bit over years and while it'll never be perfect, this is as good as I can get it. It's in rough chronological order; some songs cover different lengths of time and some cover the same time period simultaneously.

Playlist on YouTube and songs with some lyrics below the cut.

Linkin Park – Numb
Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

Rise Against – My Life Inside Your Heart
And I know you hurt
But I can help you if you can...

Take my hand
And we'll live inside the dreams we left behind
Take my hand
As we move from this place to a better life

The Spill Canvas – Lust a Prima Vista
Crack open a bottle of red
Let's toast to this here bed
Offer up your hand
My one night, two month, three year stand

Halestorm – Mz. Hyde
I’m the spider crawling down your spine,
Underneath your skin.
I will gently violate your mind,
Before I tuck you in.
Put on the blindfold
There’s no way to be sure,
Which girl you’ll get to know!

AFI – This Time Imperfect
I'd show a smile, but I’m too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.

Just how much this, hurts me.

Just how much you...

Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out
I'm nothing without you

Bad Religion – Infected
Now here I go,
Hope I don't break down,
I won't take anything, I don't need anything,
Don't want to exist, I can't persist,
Please stop before I do it again,
Just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing,
Let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone

You and me have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
You and me, you and me

Within Temptation – Ice Queen
Whenever she is raging
She takes all life away
Haven't you seen?
Haven't you seen?
The ruins of our world

Nickelback – Do This Anymore
She says I'm only tellin' half of it
That's probably 'cause there's only half worth tellin'
And every time I try to laugh it off
That's when you turn around and wind up yellin'

When am I gonna learn? Why? Cause I'm tired of hating
When will it be your turn? Why? Cause I'm tired of waiting

Billy Talent – Diamond on a Landmine
I tried to quit but there's no use
Cause I'm addicted to her abuse
She's in control of everything
I'm just a puppet, she pulls my strings
Denying truth, I'll test my fate
And keep on playing this wicked game

Ayumi Hamasaki - Sunset ~Love is All~
(lyrics translated from Japanese)
Be closer to me
Let me trust you more
Am I really
In your eyes?

Be closer to me
I want you to let me trust you more
Am I depending on you too much?

Rihanna - S&M
I love the feeling
You bring to me
Oh, you turn me on
It's exactly what
I've been yearning for
Give it to me strong

Ayumi Hamasaki - Love ‘n’ Hate
(lyrics translated from Japanese)
I'm surprised myself
That this wound seems deeper
Than I thought

Just because I love you
It would be the best way for me to disappear
If I could hate you
I would rather be better off

Apocalyptica - Broken Pieces
And as you showed me your scars
I only held you closer
But as the light in you went dark I saw you turn over
I wanted always to be there for you and close to you
But I'm losing this
And I'm losing you

Maroon 5 – She Will Be Loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Rise Against – Savior
That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

Linkin Park – Breaking the Habit
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Jimmy Wayne – Stay Gone
I still love you and I will forever
We can't hide the truth
We know each other better
When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
It ain't supposed to be that way

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/498093.html

Reference post of sorts

2012-01-25T12:57:14Z

In the name of trying to be a better person, I'm going to use this post as a place to collect things that my friends/circle think I should warn for.

If it's a big, hot button thing, assume I'll already cut and warn, but I know that everyone has their personal triggers and squicks as well. Comments screened for privacy.

I think the only possible odd/uncommon triggers I have are sexual contact with a sleeping person or mental health terms being used as insults. Odd squicks -- pregnancy, hand injuries.

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/491181.html

Identity Babble

2012-01-20T07:21:56Z

I was rereading this post just now because it was linked on Tumblr and I realized, not for the first time, that I have never identified as transsexual even though according to most people’s definitions, I fit it. I was assigned female at birth, lived as female for the first 21 years of my life, but identify as male and am taking hormones (and eventually will have surgery) to help both physical and social dysphoria.

I can’t place why I don’t use that word for myself. I just call myself a trans guy and that’s been my term for as long as I’ve been questioning myself and living as myself instead of who I was born as. Maybe it’s because I coped for years by detaching myself from my body and thinking about its specifics as little as possible. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have particularly strong physical dysphoria at first because of that. And maybe it’s because I subscribe to the school of thought that says a body is whatever the mind inside it calls itself. Men have male bodies, whatever anatomy a given person has. Women have female bodies, whatever anatomy a given person has. Nonbinary people have nonbinary bodies. And so on and so forth.

Another part that I’m not quite as happy to admit is that I tend to associate the term transsexual with people who completely fit the established binary and associated sexuality, presentation, and the like. And that’s just not me. I’m queer and have femme tendencies — I might want to act like a knight in shining armor, but that doesn’t mean I have to look like one or only end up with cis women like the stereotype goes.

So I’m a transgender guy, a boy in the making, a constantly changing prototype. And I don’t know how to explain this to people who ask me to explain the difference between transgender and transsexual. It’s not like I can link them to Ira’s guide when it’s face to face.

Hopefully this makes sense. I’m babbling because it’s getting late and I’m on pain meds while doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with it. But I'll talk more about that another time.

Apologies to those who saw this on my Tumblr too, I felt like crossposting.

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/490804.html

Cohort(s) requested

2012-01-03T09:18:26Z

Thanks to certain memes on Plurk, I have a plot bunny for the first multi-chaptered fic I've written in AGES going through my head. While I'm very confident about writing Muraki, and the story will be mostly focused on him, it's an NCIS crossover and it'd be nice to have other chapters from that side's point of view as well. Or simply people who can help me make sure I have my details right because there's no way I have time to marathon the entire show for the sake of one fic. Basically, the idea is a crossover with Muraki in America for reasons I need to figure out, in an AU where he has no strange powers, and ending up being someone NCIS has to work hard to snag.

I'll note now that this is going to be pretty dark. Murder, torture, blackmail, memory fuckery, kidnapping, and sexual assault are among the things he's capable of and might do to his victims. Helping me with either details or guest writing a chapter means dealing with that.

...anyone remotely interested in this?

Another year comes, another year locked

2012-01-02T02:23:04Z

Everything from 2005-2008, which includes all of my old fanfic from fandoms I've pretty much left, is now friends-locked. It's mostly for the sake of keeping the person I used to be a little more private. I was pretty embarrassing 7 years ago!

Writer's Block: Bless you!

2011-12-05T08:57:35Z

Food allergies: Tree nuts (but not peanuts, thank fuck), sesame, most other seeds (poppy and pumpkin, for sure), shellfish, tomato, artificial sweeteners

Medication: Sulfa drugs, Zoloft, latex, possibly lidocaine, whatever injected CT contrast dye is made of

Environmental/other: Most grass and tree pollens, chemical fragrances

Knowing my memory, I'm leaving something off this list too. I have to read ingredient labels constantly and sometimes I forget and Met asks/reads on my behalf because she's the best girlfriend in the world.

I feel old

2011-11-09T00:38:28Z

I can't believe I'll be 26 next Saturday. Given my depression and the things I've lived through, I never expected to make it to 25, much less nearly a year beyond that. It's really strange to think that when my mom was my age, she'd had two kids and spent a few years in the Air Force already. It makes me feel lazy when I realize that I'm still a student with a vague sense of direction and health just barely getting on track.

...and then I feel greedy because all I want for my birthday is money. I have meds to fill that'll cost me $28 but even that's more than the contents of my bank account. Don't wanna dip into my savings because that's next month's rent.

/stops whining now

Halloween

2011-10-31T07:07:02Z

In honour of All Hallow's Eve, I'm inviting trick-or-treaters to my 'door.' Comment "trick-or-treat" to this post and...well, you know the drill. Treats can be anything that strikes my fancy (pics of fave actors or pairings, one sentence fics, graphics, a few words why I'm glad to have you on my flist, etc. etc.). The more "houses" to visit the more fun it'll be, so go ahead, open your journal and help spread the fun!

Replies may be NWS or otherwise bizarre, but if I offend someone inadvertantly, tell me!

Zombies wouldn't want my brain

2011-10-26T02:52:18Z

Oh wow, I'm actually using this more often -- I guess new LJ friends will do that to me?

In any case, here's a bit of backstory. I get migraines. In June, one of them made part of my face go numb and tingly and we spent a while at the ER being sure I wasn't having a stroke before they said it was just a complex one. Okay, now I know to deal with that.

Apparently, getting a stiff neck and otherwise seeming like I might have meningitis is another form of complex migraine too! Spend like 17 hours total at the ER figuring that one out. I hate not having proper insurance and only being able to go to one constantly overcrowded and apparently understaffed university hospital.

At least I got a referral to a neurologist out of it.

I'll get back to writing song fills once I don't feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Dusting off my keyboard

2011-10-24T05:04:44Z

Because I love what nuraya is doing, I'm shamelessly stealing the idea for myself!

1. Insert character, pairing, or group
2. Insert song (lyrics and/or just a video)
3. Receive small fic.

Some things I'm willing to write in may not be the best because of long time, no familiarity, but I'll try.

List of Fandoms
Weiss Kreuz
Yami no Matsuei
Absolute Obedience
Final Fantasy VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, and XII (note: nothing other than original game and AC for FFVII. I've even forgotten DoC)
Rainbow (not that...anyone else here knows the series)
Death Note (no Light/L)
.hack//GU
Persona 3
Persona 4
Any RP universe we've interacted in
Ask if you know I've been into a series in the past/present but it's not on the list

Rough timeline

2011-10-23T04:11:18Z

Today I got my new glasses in, cut my hair, and dyed it. Then I realized that it's been a long time since I showed my LJ pics of myself. So this is 4 images -- one from before I started testosterone and three from after it.

As reference, I started it December 13, 2010, so it's been a bit over 10 months. Some of these pictures may be massive, so I apologize for making people's monitor's scroll or whatnot. BBCode is easier because I can make anything a thumbnail by changing img to timg -- why doesn't anything like that work in HTML?

November 2010. I don't remember the exact reason for this being taken -- maybe I liked what I was wearing? Maybe it was a meme?

March 8, 2011. This was the day I got my name changed legally! excels wanted smiling pictures for her birthday, so we took this after the court hearing.

June 2011. I got sick and tired of people at Pride misgendering me even in my binder, so Met took a Sharpie to my shirt. The back says "some girls have dicks". Also note my ~~glorious~~ hideous sunburn.

And today. New hairdo, new glasses, freshly showered and shaved, and lounging around in my PJs.

Babble of something resembling an update

2011-10-19T22:57:31Z

I haven't really updated in a while, so I figure I'll say enough to remind people of who I am! Still Ken, still a transguy in Albuquerque. My dosage was changed to 200mg/2 weeks instead of 3 and we'll see soon if that does enough to help my migraines and mood swings. Mood wise, my anxiety's been through the roof lately, which is bizarre because I've never been the type to get too worried about tests and other school performance indicators. I get more nervous about the other students and the teachers!

As far as school goes, I dropped Arabic because I simply couldn't focus on it and if I can't stop being terrified in yoga, I'll have to drop it too for the sake of my mental health. Gonna attempt to get into the phlebotomy program as soon as I can, though, since that means a certification I can use to look for actual work and maybe less worrying about money.

We're down to under $400 and I hate asking people for money because I feel like I've done a ton of that lately no matter how well we try to save up. Need to get back on food stamps, but finding the time for that is hard and the noises in the office are horrible. It also involves Met getting a letter saying she can't go to school and work at the same time. Neither can I, so I already have that note in my file. Fuck the sort of system that thinks people are capable of full time school and at least part time work because not everyone can handle it.

I'm trying to ease back into writing more, so if anyone wants to help that by giving me characters/pairing/groups and a prompt from a fandom I'm in, I'll try to write three sentence fills. If you don't know about my thoughts on a fandom, just ask.

Hell, if you need to ask me questions because you're new to my list or need a refresher on something, ask away. I'll answer whatever I feel up to.

Fail

2011-10-15T20:21:06Z

Should do a proper update on this thing, but for now I'm going to facepalm about not realizing that I could only claim one thing at weiss_kreuzmas at first.

Blarrrrrgh, want to write instead of doing schoolwork.

Travel Drabble 1

2011-09-11T23:00:20Z

Title: Aesthetic Death
Author: Prototype Boy
Characters/Universe: Chloe, Weiss Kreuz Side B
Rating: PG-13
Content Notes: Nongraphic violence

From the moment Chloe gave his life to Kryptonbrand and the pursuit of justice, his mission to himself was to find a beautiful way to kill. Guns, he learned quickly, were out of the question. At short range, they made far too much mess to ever be considered attractive and from what he'd seen, long range wouldn't give him any sense of personal satisfaction and guilt over what he'd done. That still left him with plenty other options, though, so Chloe kept on, determined to find the best in his eyes.

He threw himself into research and practice when he wasn't working at that night job, learning both his own limits and the basics of how to handle many different things should the need ever arise for them. Finally, after months of trial and error, he sunk a slim, long blade between the ribs of a man willingly hiding information that drugs his company was selling were dangerous for the sake of profit. Both the feel of it and the look of the corpse afterwards told him that this was the right tool for him to use.

With that settled, modifying it into Bite Rose took far less work. Roses were both lovely and a reminder of his previous life, when tending to flowers was all he could do well, and it seemed fitting to turn the stiletto blades into an extension of a pretty, yet dangerous flower. And the added beauty of explosions gave him the incentive to work those into the petals from time to time.

If he had to walk this path, he'd do it in an aesthetically appealing way.

That day again

2011-08-28T22:44:17Z

Writer's Block: Once upon a time…

2011-08-25T02:23:45Z

"Sophie Amundsen was on her way home from school."

That's the first line to Sophie's World, by Jostein Gaarder. I love it so much I've let friends have copies twice and never got them back, so I've owned three seperate copies.

In other news, today is a really bad pain day and I've been on meds for it since I got out of bed -_-

Writer's Block: A stroll down memory lane

2011-08-21T20:22:31Z

Given what time of year it is? Take away all my old ones please and let me start over fresh without all the horrible things that weigh me down.

And so you're back

2011-08-16T03:03:40Z

I'd lie and say that not much has been going on, but that's far from the truth. The past month and a half has been physically and mentally exhausting. Were it not for the help of some very amazing people on Plurk and in real life, I'd probably be hospitalized at this point. My last post date was the start of a horrific depressive flare for reasons I don't feel like explaining all over again. Suffice it to say that a lot of old issues about myself and sex have been dredged to the surface and I both know I need to deal with them and I'm terrified of it at the same time. I ended up dropping Amat and I'm slowly coming back from dropping everything sexual in fantasyland while awkwardly handling it in reality.

School-wise, I ended up dropping Intro to Anthro because I'd missed too many classes, but my other three went well and I should get at least 1 A out of the bunch.

My physical health is in the gutter, to a degree that nobody can figure out what is wrong, so I'm in constant horrible abdominal and pelvic pain that gets worse whenever I lie down, I'm scared because of that, and frustrated that a cause can't be found. My mom, sister, and stepdad have been sick and whatnot too. Fuck my life.

Things with Met are a bit uneven at times, but in a way that's nice because we actually work through things rather than just ignore issues forever like part relationships have involved.

Umm...I dunno what else to add here right now. Ask questions if you wanna get caught up on other things, I guess.

Snip snip

2011-07-01T21:29:14Z

Trimming my flist today. Mostly getting rid of people I don't feel as connected to as I once did -- if I remove you, it's nothing personal.

Been a while since I did a meme

2011-06-22T23:20:27Z

- Comment with "Hello, sweetie"
- I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
- Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
- Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

As asked by darkelf105

1. This is cheating because it's like three in one BUT, name one song that reminds you of your favorite time of day, one that reminds you of a really good time you had, and one that reminds you of one of your favorite characters. Explain why.
Favorite time of day:

Rise Against - Voices off Camera. My favorite time of day is really late night and the chorus of the song has the lines "But I need a place to stay tonight/I swear I'll be gone in the morning/I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes"

Really good time:

exist†trace - Liquid. I saw them live at Sakuracon and it was a blast!

A Favorite character:

Night Snipers - Doctor. As for why? I'll let the video speak for itself.

2. What scent do you find totally and completely irresistible?
I adore heavy incense-y scents, but frankincense is my favorite overall.

3. What's your favorite constellation? If you don't have one, you can use a story from mythology.
I don't know many constellations and I actually don't know a lot of myths, either. Picking from what I know, though, I like Orpheus's story because I feel really sorry for him.

4. You can have anything in the world but it'll cost you never hearing your favorite song again, seeing your favorite color, smelling your favorite scent, and you'll never get goosebumps again...would you make the trade?
I probably would, since the thing on that list that'd be hardest is hearing my favorite song...and even then I'd remember hearing it even if I couldn't hear it beyond that point.

5. Would you rather swim under the sea, or fly in the air, or be able to run long, long distance without stopping?
Flying. That's not even a hard choice -- I have dreams of flying a lot and once heavily wondered what the physical troubles of having wings would be.

The straw that broke the camel's back

2011-06-14T06:10:56Z

First of all, before I get to the big stuff, I'm going to say here that I plan on doing a friends list overhaul soon, mostly to get rid of people I don't really pay attention to anymore or whatnot. It'll make my life easier.

The big stuff concerns the saga of my father. I'll give backstory for those who don't know what my relationship with him has been like for my adult life.

Everything with my father has been an up and down mess my entire life. He made promises, never kept them, but generally tried his best to and attempted to be accepting of me. He heard all of my friends from school call me Ken when I started socially transitioning, told me he wanted me to do what I needed to to be happy, and I thought that meant he'd be accepting of me taking the steps I needed to completely become Ken once and for all.

In late October, of course, I saw that he hadn't accepted it and cut off contact with him for the most part. He'd text and I'd ignore him, but I kept Facebook active because I liked being able to talk to other parts of my family.

Tonight was the last straw. But I need to retrace to last week to explain why my mood is such shit before I get to that straw. Here in New Mexico, we're getting ash blown in nightly from wild fires in Arizona. Last Monday, this made my asthma flare up enough that I ended up in the ER, given a week's worth of prednisone to taper down from slowly. Prednisone is a pretty powerful steroid, but it likes to fuck with moods and in the past has just made me teary and a bit nervous. I also started a new medicine Monday for migraine control. Apparently anxiety is a rarer, and typically more serious, side effect of that med, amitriptyline.

So for the last week, I've been dealing with trans-related ignorance in several parts of my life, people inadvertantly making me feel like shit for being a poor person, and general stress exacerbated by medication. I couldn't leave the house today for school because my anxiety was too high and it'll take a lot of effort to force myself to go tomorrow because I can't afford to miss those classes again.

And then my father texts. Just a stupid, passive-aggressive text wondering if I'm alive, complete with a smile at the end. I reply saying that if I died, he'd be the last person to know because I don't want to associate with the bigots in my family. He doesn't take too kindly to being called what he is and goes off on a ramble about me being a misguided child, complete with wrong pronouns, and insists that he hopes I come around eventually. I let Met call him and she went off on him in blind rage. He continues texting afterwards, wondering what the call was about, although he completely deserved everything she said to him. Oh, and he's apparently in New Mexico now.

He still insisted on calling me the wrong name, wrong pronouns, and being an overall fuckwit towards me. I looked up how to block phone numbers (which...may require Virgin Mobile's help directly, since there's no function for it in this phone), called him, and said it would be the last time. I explained, yet again, that if what I was doing wasn't in my best interest, my doctors would never have let me start hormones in the first place. Which makes him insist that the doctors don't know what's best and only want my money. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what fucking money? My bank account's probably overdrawn until Friday and I'll be lucky if I can scrounge up $5 on Thursday for a follow-up visit related to my asthma attack.

I said he was a piece of shit father for not being accepting like my mother is, like my sisters are, and that the family I've made for myself is far better than any family he's part of. Then I said that he was dead to me, I'm never speaking to him again, and texted him afterwards saying that if he contacts me any more, I'll go to the police and do what I need to so it's treated as harassment.

Part of me is regretting keeping my last name when I changed it back in March -_- Should've just taken a name from my mom's side of the family or reverted to the family name pre-WWII.

Short bit of fluff

2011-05-29T04:00:00Z

Title: Tents
Author: Prototype Boy
Characters/Universe: Nagi Naoe, Mamoru Takatori, route_29 setting
Rating: G
Content Notes: Nothing
A/N: Sometimes, I can write things other than porn!

Nagi doesn't know what to think about Mamoru coming with a tent, food, and clean clothes for the night. There's something inherently strange about getting help from his current boss and former enemy that he still can't wrap his head around even if he devotes all of his time on the walk towards Cherrygrove to thinking it over. Their relationship at home was always awkward despite their mutual professionalism and getting help feels like a small shift towards something approaching friendship; Nagi's not exactly used to having friends. The other members of Schwarz were team first and foremost and friends only underneath in the way that four people with a similar goal and occasionally similar interests could be. If things with Mamoru continue this way despite there being no real reason for the two of them to maintain much of an alliance, he'll end up being a lot more unsure of himself and where things stand between the two of them.

Finally, he spots Mamoru and only talks to him for a moment before he dries off, has a snack, and changes inside the tent. Nothing's awkward about changing with his back turned to Mamoru since they're both male, close in age, and they've probably both seen former teammates in various states of undress over the years. It doesn't take long to change anyway and once he's in the dry outfit, he attempts to towel off his hair even more to keep it from looking like a bird's nest the next morning while Mamoru changes behind him.

Nagi stretches his sleeping bag out and quickly realizes that the tents are on the small side for two occupants, even given that neither he nor Mamoru are very tall. There's room for them, but if either is the type to toss and turn a lot, it'll be an uncomfortable, restless night for both of them. Exhaustion kicks in as soon as he gets as comfortable as it's possible to get on the wet grass, which is still cold and slightly squishy beneath him even through the bottom of the tent. It would've been worse if he had to sleep outside, though, so he's grateful for this much and vows to somehow do what it takes to repay Mamoru for the bit of kindness he really hadn't needed to show Nagi tonight.

He can't be certain which of them falls asleep first, but it's probably Mamoru unless he's really good at acting alseep when he isn't. Nagi's too used to playing guard to let himself rest when he's powerless, Mamoru doesn't seem to have weapons, and he doesn't know yet if Pokémon will attack people in the wilderness.

As he sleeps, an old habit kicks in. Feeling someone he trusts next to him is relaxing enough that Nagi rolls over as he dreams, wriggles an arm free of his sleeping bag, drapes it across Mamoru's torso, and ends up with his head quite close to his boss's shoulder. It never happened in his years with Schwarz, which made him think he'd simply outgrown it or given it up when he was in the decidedly unsafe environment of Rosenkruz. Nagi didn't think that it hadn't happened just because he hadn't found someone he could relax around this much in his sleep. In this little way, his body proves what he'll never let himself put into words during the day -- that he unconsciously trusts Mamoru to keep to his word and to not hurt him more than he trusted Crawford, Schuldig, and Farfarello.

His sleep is so sound that he doesn't feel Mamoru wake up, notice their positions, and quickly, silently decide that it makes more sense to stay where he is and let Nagi cuddle close to him than to risk waking him up and shatter the rest he's getting. Nobody else will ever know about this, so it can happen tonight as long as there's little chance of it happening again. The moment after he decides that, Nagi's arm tightens around him.

And when morning comes and Nagi wakes up still using Mamoru as the human version of a large stuffed animal, neither of them speak a word of it to each other. They simply wake up, have a quick breakfast, repack everything up in the continuing rain, and resume the trip to meet up with the rest of Weiss in Cherrygrove, where they're hopefully somewhere warm, dry, and with plenty of space for everyone to sleep on their own.

School Stuff

2011-05-23T03:00:20Z

I finished Spring term with a 3.18 GPA -- Bs in everything except for the First Aid/CPR thing, which was an A.

This is my Summer sschedule, effective tomorrow:

Monday/Wednesday:
3:30 - 5:15 -- Ethics and Society (PHIL 1102)
5:30 - 7:15 -- Anthropology of Drugs (ANTH 2265)

Tuesday/Thursday:
9:30 - 11:15 -- Intro to Anthropology (ANTH 1101)
1:30 - 3:15 -- Intro to Theatre (THEA 1122)

...the Theatre class is way the fuck across town, too. I'm going to be paying Met for a lot of gas money, sob. I decided to pretty much take what sounded interesting that'd get me to full time and I'll do that until I can get into the Phlebotomy program.

On Playing a Monster

2011-05-18T20:36:34Z

TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions rape, murder, torture, and incest.

This isn't the first time I've been left severely questioning myself in the wake of a friend's reaction to the things I play out online. This isn't the first time I've felt like a terrible person because I enjoy writing a serial killing, child raping, obsessional man who could be seen as a psychopath. Over nearly three and a half years of playing him, I've questioned myself a lot and every time, I come to the conclusion that he is my coping mechanism until the time where I can safely finally act as the monster I once was and put that sexually precocious child to rest. But that requires the right combination of participant and time and I'll never force someone to act as my sibling for the sake of my own mental health, even if it could mean an end to a lot of my guilt and fear of myself.

But this is the first time that I've been told it's unhealthy to cope like this since I justified it by saying that it's just fiction and the place this is being written has trigger warnings at the very top. I believe that everything is acceptable to produce and view in fiction. No actual people are hurt in the writing or playing out of a scene where a teenager gets raped, an assassin is blackmailed into sex believing it'll protect his friend, people get killed in ways ranging from a bullet to the head to slowly being stabbed or gutted. I'm far from the only person who uses writing and RP to both cope with past trauma and indulge in fantasies that could never be safely acted on in reality. I know I'm probably not the only person to have his friends question him for it either, but it still hurts.

I question myself enough as it is. I wonder why I like acting out things I could never be capable of in reality. Hell, I wonder if I might be capable of them if pushed enough and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did act on the things I've researched. In theory, I think I could get away with murder if I took the time to prepare for it because I know too damn much about forensics and how people slip up to get caught. And despite all that I've done in the past, I enjoy writing rape scenes with victims of varying ages. It's both to cope with my past and to deal with that curiosity inside me that I've always had about the horrible things people do to each other. My friends tell me that if I wonder so hard about whether or not I'm horrible, that I'm not, but I still live and question every thing I do because of people that have called me abusive, manipulative, and any number of terrible things.

I want to believe that I can be a good person despite all of the hideous things I do in RP and enjoy reading and writing about, but every time I get to the point where I can almost accept that, someone or something makes me doubt myself all over again. If my friends don't believe that my reasons are good enough, I can't believe it. It's silly to be so dependent on other people's opinions about what sort of person I am and yet I can't completely stop it.

No matter what I play out online, read, or write, and no matter how much I end up questioning myself, I want to feel that I would never truly cross the line into reality. Every time someone questions me, though, I feel like they're questioning how secure I am on my position enjoying fiction and like they think I'll actually act on it one day. I think that's what hurts the most.

This probably made no sense because it's rambling. But oh well. It's the best I can do right now.

Flail time

2011-04-20T04:59:12Z

Orz, I need to use this more often, but I say most things on Plurk.

Highlights --
- Hair is now purple and blue
- Finished physical therapy on my arm!
- Going to Sakuracon, will pray relatives in the Seattle area don't find out.
- School eats me alive.