menthae

Tired mother.

menthae — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 09:00:46 GMT

I feel something stirring inside me. I feel like I'm waking up.

The summer was hard. A nightmare really. Now everything is feeling better, easier, like I can breathe again.

There are struggles. I am still tired. My appetite is gone. I stay awake until 2am at night thinking. There are too many thoughts in my head.

I am carrying too much. But somehow I feel lighter.

Perhaps journalling will help. Everybody tells me to start writing again. And maybe it is what I need.

I'm just so tired. I think I could sleep for a week.

I think my mother had only one child because of this. Because every child adds a level of action, sound, mess, responsibility. Every child also adds joy, laughter, sparkle and magic. But my mom doesn't look at it like that. She looks at the things a child takes away. Not the stuff a mother gains.

But what a child takes is energy and my reservoirs are almost empty.

I've been waiting for this calmer time in life, a moment when not quite so much is happening. For 20 years that time has not come. Since I turned 20 to 30 and in a few years 40 it has not come.

Now I'm not waiting. I am taking the calm what I can and moving forward. Tired to the bone. Day after day. But moving.

In 5 years so much has changed. A new man. 2 more babies. 4 cats. A dog. 2 moves. A new profession. A new career. Panic disorder. Post-partum anxiety. Weightloss. Weightgain. Red, orange, straberry blonde, green, blue, violet, ombre, pink, black hair.

I think I need to reconfigure myself. I'm a bit lost.

Hungover

menthae — Mon, 18 May 2015 20:10:17 GMT

So... I'm feeling tired, kind of happy, kind of sad and majorly surprised by myself. Oh god...

He said no problem, we are good, it was a joke, nothing serious... All good, fun and games.

I expected that. Because he is this free as a bird living in the moment kind of guy... But it was bit of a punch in the gut, a knock on my pride, whatever.

And it was nothing much... But somehow my life has turned upside down while he goes on partying. I am re-thinking my engagement and my whole future. Not that I'm so into him. But in general... He is the sign of something. Something that is not right in my relationship. Me perhaps.

I wish I could be more like him. So free, untied by life, flying all over the place. Perhaps I hoped it would all rub on me a little if I kissed him.

He wanted me. More of me. "I fucking want you so much" he said. Me too I whisper now to myself. I want you too. But the moment is gone. Life moves on. He is still free and I'm stuck in my suffocating life. It feels even more like a crushing weight over me now that I've glimpsed his reality.

I want to fly too. I need to fly. Not on his wings but my own. Damn how I envy his energy. How could he breathe a little bit of it into me?

There was once a guy with whom everything felt easy. He is another one of those rare guys. But he is not for me. I'm not sure if he is for anyone really. He is so larger than life.

I loved waking up from his arms. How he held me tight. I've missed that so much. The warm arms holding me to the strong chest. The breath in my hair. Legs intertwined.

Less than three weeks to seeing my long distance fiance. And suddenly everything has changed. A fucking mess.

bad mom

menthae — Sun, 07 Dec 2014 15:01:33 GMT

I'm struggling a lot with parenting lately. It kind of feels like I have always struggled. Perhaps that is the nature of parenting. But in truth the last months have been extremely difficult and I'm fearing for my own sanity and that of my son.

My 4-year old is acting up a lot. He hits, scratches, bites, spits, kicks and throws things. He grabs a fistful of my hair and yanks as hard as he can. He pulls the dogs tail and aims a sharp kick to the sleeping cat. And then when I discipline him, he says he is sorry and seems to mean it, only to revert back into the "crazy mode" a moment later.

He can be a little angel and super lovely and then he gets frustrated, excited, sad or angry and all bets are off.

I've tried stern voice, discussing why it is wrong what he does, naughty step, timeout in his room, holding him until he calms down, taking away all the toys he throws letting him earn them back (although he hasn't earned back anything yet). He just is completely out of control and it makes me feel like the worst mother in the world.

I've tried so hard to make things good for them after I broke up with their alcoholic father. I've tried to make their lives calmer. I moved in with my parents to have more safe adults around them and more time to heal myself. He has hobbies, a great teacher in the kindergarten and he was doing really good, better than in months.

And then my father had a stroke, brain infarct. He survived, was in the hospital a couple of weeks and came back after they operated. And he has changed. The kids can see it. He is tired and angry all the time and can't stand spending any time with my son. Not even when he is doing nothing wrong. My son is reacting to this change, this situation that has affected us all and the aggressive behavior has got a lot worse since.

Everyone tells me how worrysome my son's behavior is and I know they are worried for him just like I am, but it feels like I should somehow have done better. It feels like I am failing him because I don't know how to help him. My father loses his temper with him all the time and so does my mother and eventually so do I. And I feel so bad for him that nobody has the patience to weather out his storms with him, to help him navigate this feelings. I don't know how to do it.

I've spoken with his teacher and called a therapist, but in the meanwhile I'm struggling to find something positive to say to him every day instead of the constant flow of "no" "you can't do that!" "don't hit your sister!".

I'm so tired. And I'm angry at my ex for checking out of his responsibilies so completely and leaving me alone to deal with this all. I can't become a father for my kids no matter how much I would like to. And nobody can fix the failings of their father. What do you say to a 4 year old who asks "why is dad not living with us?". I tell him that we made a decision to not live together because we were not happy together anymore, that we get along better when we live apart and that is good for everyone. You can't say to a little kid that the reason your father doesn't live with us is that he is a drunk and an addict who takes no responsibility, who called your mum a whore so many times she almost started to believe it is true. I don't want to poison their minds with bad stories of their father. If they can remember the good things only, I'm happy. They deserved a dad who would've been there for them. And I deserved a man who would've been there for me.

I feel so lost and so lonely. I feel like I am a burden to my parents living in this house with my loud kids, needing their help. I'm trying to put my life back together. I'm trying to educate myself more and get a diploma that would actually employ me. I got accepted into a school and I can hardly even feel joy over that because I feel so guilty for all the additional help I will need because of my school.

Eli is on the other side of the Atlantic ocean and we speak 10-15 minutes one time a week. That is the extent of my relationship. I went from speaking with him almost daily to this. I know nothing what happens in Cuba. I don't know how he feels, what he is up to. Nothing. When we speak he wants to hear what happens with me and not the bad stuff. He wants the positive things. He tells me how he misses me and how he needs me and then we say goodbye and wait another week for a similar conversation. Half of the time he doesn't understand what I'm saying because the line is bad or because he is forgetting english in the all-spanish environment.

Thank god I have friends I can talk to. I would go absolutely crazy otherwise. It just feels like everytime the life offers something good a moment later it pulls the rug out from under me leaving me drowning. The anxiety, hopelessness of a life with an addict has changed into this constant daily struggle of getting through the day. I just wish I had one day when I didn't have to feel guilty because I need help, because I fail as a parent or because I can never make up for my kids that I chose a father for them who can't really be the father they need.

I need something good in my life. I need just something little, a sparkle of joy and happiness. I want to feel like I can do something right. I want to have something that makes me smile. I'm so tired, so overwhelmed, so sad and confused.

Big decisions.

menthae — Sat, 11 Oct 2014 16:03:56 GMT

I am standing on a ledge, wind in my hair. I know I have to jump. It is the only way to get to where I am going, but I don't know where I will end up when I jump. The only thing I do know is that I can't remain here and there is not much time left. Soon I have to jump.

That is how I feel about my life right now. Big choices. Big decision with enormous consequences. I have been begging for this moment to arrive. I have asked for it. I was so tired of waiting. I just wanted to be able to move forward. Now the decision arrived. Boyfriend didn't get his residental permit. Our life together in Switzerland is no longer an option. It was always a possibility but the finality of it all struck hard. I've had to re-evaluate everything. Before I could play with the idea of possibly following him to Cuba. Now I need to really consider it. And be honest with myself. Think things through with my rational brains and my heart.

I am not at all sure how the cards are going to fall here. I don't know if we can even survive the longer distance, lack of proper communication methods (as in no Skype), more time apart. This was supposed to be the decision that makes everything possible. The moment when we can put X in a calendar to mark the day when we can be together for real. And now there's no calendar. It could easily be two years before we could even imagine of living in the same country. I dont know if I can do that. My life has been stuck waiting for this decision. I haven't applied for work or into school that interests me. My dreams and future have been on hold. I can't let his life decisions and situations affect mine any more. Either the pieces will slot together or the puzzle falls apart. But I need to be able to do my thing.

I've been in such a turmoil for at least the past 5 years. Whenever I think things are moving to better direction, when I fear less, have beginnings of a new dream, something hits from the dead corner, unexpectedly and knocks the air out of my lungs. There are good surprises too, but even those tend to come in the worst moments.

Is it possible to run away from your on life? Or to hide for a moment? Pretend you are someone else with a clean slate and all these open possibilities instead of responsibilities?

Going to Cuba... It's such a dive into unknown waters. I have no idea if I could get work there. I would miss my friends so much and my family. I would be so far away. And right now I don't think I have enough trust in my relationship to say yes. Last summer was so hot and cold. Not that I need to decide now.

And then there is another thing. Another box of memories I opened and can't seem to close again.

not here.

menthae — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 09:37:05 GMT

I've been trying to make my "room" in my parents' house feel more like MY room. It's not really a room, but an open space without doors and the kids treat it as their playroom, so it is hard to draw boundaries. Their own rooms are not that big and I feel like I need to give them more space to play in. In the summer it was not an issue, because they wanted to be outside all the time, but now the rains have started and they probably go on until it gets cold enough to turn into snow.

I've been painting the walls and the ceiling white. It never got done in time before the move, so now it is tricky as I have to keep on moving my stuff around in the room to paint another part of the wall. Nothing is in its place and there are piles of clothes everywhere, all surfaces away from harms way are filled with stuff. I don't really know how I will fit my clothes here as I literally have no place for them. There is no room for a wardrobe, the space is tight as it is. I just want the room painted and ready, so I can have everything where I want and it is no longer a chaos. I know it probably doesn't change how I feel about living here, but I'm hoping making the room look more like "me" would make me feel more at home.

It's a huge adjustment from having an entire house to yourself to cramping into one room. I just want that door that I can close when I need time for myself. I know this is temporary, but I want to minimize the changes the children have to go through and there will inevitably be changes. I want to stay here until I know for certain where we will be going next. And in all honesty this is the cheapest way to live for us. No rent, no utility bills and I don't even have to pay for the food most of the time. I do because I want to pitch in, but it's not expected of me.

I should be happy that things are moving along. I got my custody papers done. My ex and I managed to arrange a meeting and the papers were immediately signed. Much better option than having to hunt him down through a lawyer, which it came down to before we moved. The relief was so big that I got a 2 and a half day migraine. But at the same time now I have no legal problem with moving abroad. Now it is up to me to arrange everything and pick the right time. I am incredibly stressed over just thinking about it.

My daughter just started first grade, she is loving it and she has found new friends here, who are our neighbors. It couldn't be a better situation. She has turned from a shy and reserved girl into this confident young lady overnight. I'm really happy how things are going with her. I was afraid she would be odd one out, moving from another city or that the different school and new teacher would be a scary thing. Nothing like that. Everything is going really well with her. Which makes me kind of sad as I know there is going to be a change in the future. No matter how great things are now, we will either break up her brand new friendships and move her to a completely different country, which will certainly be really hard, or I will have to end my relationship.

I didn't consider how difficult it would be for me to uproot my kids again, to take them away from their grandparents and friends. It's hitting me hard now.

I feel like I have given up my dreams, my home, my plans to have a better environment for us as a family. I'm really feeling the weight of adulthood on my shoulders as I try to understand what is best for my kids in the long run. The decision was a no-brainer before this summer, before the school started. Things were really good with E and I was hungry for the change of scenery. Now I am scared and I think we need more time to figure out our relationship and if it is going to work and on top of that I feel really guilty for even planning to make my kids go through the big move. I know they will eventually adapt. They are resourceful, friendly and lovely kids. They will learn the new language and they will find new friends, but I don't want to do it until I know E and I are not going to fuck it all up with our personal stuff.

I have forgiven him, because I can't hold on to grudges for very long. But I was so unhappy this summer for such a big part of our time in Switzerland that I am afraid that it will happen again. He tells me he loves me. We talk about the future, but it does bother me that I am the one forced in essence to make the change if there is going to be a future. He is standing his ground. Him moving to Finland is not up to discussion. We've talked about it and he is not willing to even try if the worst case scenario happened and he wouldn't get his permit renewed. It hurst my feelings and it is hard to get over it. It feels like we are not that important to him. He has told me that he would move to Finland if I got pregnant and refused to move. He would move for his child but not for me. Yet he expects me and MY KIDS to move for him.

I know I haven't really put him in the position that he'd have to think about leaving us for good, because I've been open to the idea of moving all the time. Personally I like the idea of living abroad and I love his city. It is a beautiful place, I love the running trails, the nature, the mountains, the lake and the whole vibe of the place. I know I can deal with whatever stuff comes up if he stands by me instead of behaving like this summer. If he turns against me and doesn't help me through the culture shock that will inevitably happen, I can't deal with being all alone in another country with two kids going through tough time adjusting AND being criticized by my partner. That is my biggest fear. I don't want to go through with all the hard stuff to end up miserable.

Another dilemma is the alcohol. I think it might be hard to make a non-drinker out of a Cuban man. He likes his rum. And while he is not a mean drunk, I don't know how much the alcohol affects his behavior. I do think the arguments escalate partly because of the alcohol. I think he is not in control of his anger when he drinks. He keeps saying that he is happier when he drinks, but I did not see a happy man in June and July. I saw a man drinking for his stress, for the uncertainty of life, for loneliness, for everything that went wrong. And I did not see the alcohol making him happier. I did see him make more of an effort when the kids were around. We've since talked about this, which is good because he kind of refused to talk about it before. He has even tried to go without alcohol and cigarettes for a day or two since.

All in all this summer showed me stuff I never want to deal with again, but I saw good stuff too. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it. I was really miserable momentarily and if that is what being together will be in the future then I want no more of it. But that was not all. I was also really happy. I know it is stressful and difficult to be thrown in with two kids when you normally are by yourself. I expected difficulties from that, but I didnt expect them to be turned on me. Better of course that the reaction comes towards me rather than the kids and while he is adamant that the kids are not the problem, I know that in a way they are. They make noise, they make adults tired and more cranky and that's when stupid arguments happen. I deal with this every day.

I am in this constant state of tiredness. I'm always tired. There is not a single day in my life when I don't go to sleep way too tired, not a night when I do sleep enough. I dream about feeling like I've slept enough when I wake up in the morning. I can vaguely remember how it was like. I do sleep enough to get through my days, but I do not feel well-rested. Most of the time I feel much older than I am, weary and kind of burnt out. The momentary bursts of energy I try to use wisely and often I end up even more tired, because I try to get something done that I've been too tired to do before. And my periods make me extremely hormonal and emotional every single month.

I need time to heal. It is hard to admit that I still need more time. I just want one thing in my life to go my way the first time around. I'm so fucking tired of fighting against the current every single day. The change of scenery was good in many ways and I can see that my kids are calmer and maybe even happier. It's easier to organize everything when there's three adults instead of just me. There's more work for me and more hobby opportunities for everyone. I feel very welcome here. My support network is closer. But the things is that moving does not change your feelings. I struggle with the same stuff as I did before and on top of that I'm trying to adjust into life back at my childhood home. It is hard not to look at this as a step backwards in my adult life.

People keep on asking how the kids have adjusted or wondering how my parents are dealing with the change. Everyone thinks this is hardest on my parents. It's hard for the kids and me too. The kids miss their friends and their home. It was their first home. And we left in such a hurry that they didn't really understand that we were not going back. It's really hard for me because now I have nothing that is mine. Before I had the house. Now I have nothing. Continuously in my life people are more focused on everyone around me. With my ex, it was always his issues at the center stage. Now it is my parents, my poor parents having to adjust to two young kids "at their age" and how tough it is. It is not a competition. This is a new situation for us all.

I just wish someone would ask me how I am doing from time to time. Everyone just expects me to deal with stuff, to be strong every goddamn moment, to figure things out. And I feel like all I've done is fuck up continuously for 3 years. I don't know why people look up to me to fix things. I'm tired of being alone and doing everything alone. Sorry. Self-pity moment over.

I want to pass my duty for someone for just a moment without having to hear how hard it is and how tough it is to babysit for a weekend. My ex doesn't take his kids to be with him because "he doesn't have the money for food or anything". My mother needs to work and my father doesn't have the patience. My mother doesn't deal well with kids and everytime she babysits for me, she makes sure I know how fucking hard it was for her. She likes to play the martyr card and I'm tired of hearing it. It's just easier to do everything myself if I can.

I want to be independent financially and I want to live my own life. I hate being here and not moving forward in my life. I know it'll take some time to get evetything organized, but I just wish it would happen faster. I need more of what is good for me. This is good for my kids and for the time being that has to be enough for me, but in the long run I need my life to be good for me too.

Maybe it is in Switzerland with E. Maybe it is in my own apartment here. Maybe it is somewhere else. For sure it is not here.

hurricane. whirlwind. flood. heatwave.

menthae — Fri, 01 Aug 2014 21:06:52 GMT

So... a lot has happened in the past few months. I've made the move from my house back to my childhood home, I've spent a month in Switzerland with E, two weeks of those with my kids there as well and I've now returned back to Finland & am trying to adjust to this new way of life.

The trip to Switzerland wasn't all champagne and roses. I didn't think it would be, but in some ways it was pretty disastrous. It made me question my entire relationship and if we actually can build a life together. We even broke up for 24 hours. We fought a lot about stupid stuff. My friends in real life and online are a bit concerned about E. They haven't met him and obviously have only heard my side of the story, but the concensus seems to be that he is acting immature and controlling. From past experience I know that I shouldn't just brush over these signs. That if he is the bad kind of guy all of our issues will only get worse and I do not want my kids in the middle of that. But this is also extremely stressful time in his life and I think we tried to take too big of a step too soon. I don't know. My head is still in quite a turmoil over my month there. It wasn't at all what I expected and I felt really unwelcome at times. I felt like I could do nothing right.

I think I didn't anticipate the culture shock kicking in because it was just a holiday. The difference was in hindsight that I kept thinking if I could live there for real and everything just hit me like a train and threw me all over the place. I hated shopping because I couldn't find anything. The food was different and in wrong places. I searched for tuna for two weeks before I found it. E didn't like the food I cooked and was very vocal about it. Yes, I'm no restaurant chef so cook for yourself if you can't be grateful for a ready made meal. In my culture it is just rude to behave like that. I expect better from my kids and they are 4 and 6 years old. I really struggled with cooking with the gas stove and ingredients that were really different than the ones I'm used to here. Good, really fresh and wonderful, but different. E. is used to the Cuban way of cooking which starts with a live lamb, pig or a chicken and he buys his meat in chunks directly from the butcher. I'm used to the ready cut chicken filets. And I've only been eating meat again for a year. I have never really learned to make meat dished because I always cooked vegetarian food and fish. I think E. just expected me to be this kitchen wizard and eat perfect food every day, but I am not a domestic goddess. I suck at the housewife thing. On most days I suck at parenting too.

I like to cook and eat and most of all bake. Baking I love. But I hate doing anything if another person is going to critique it afterwards. This brought back vivid memories from 2001-2002 when I dated a very controlling man. I never want to go back there. It sucked all my will to live out of me.

But I'm going to give E. another chance. When his permit arrives and the biggest source of stress is gone, I'll visit him and see if we get along better. If the nitpicking continues... I just can't live like that.

I know it takes two people to argue and I admit that I have a bad temper. We both do and the combination is rather volatile. The tempers flare in a second and he speaks spanish, I speak english, we don't understand each other because we don't really even want to and the argument is ready. What is difficult for me is the change from my previous relationship to this one. J. avoided conflicts and didn't really argue with me unless drunk. With E. the conflicts are unavoidable and it's like a bomb goes off and I need to wait two days for the dust to settle and it's my fault without a question. It takes a really long time for him to cool down and even longer to acknowledge any responsibility.

In the last argument in which he broke up with me, he told me to get out of his house with my kids at 9pm in the night. I asked if we could stay until the next day and then go to a hotel. He told me that if we didn't go he'd call the police. So I cried on the balcony and the only other person I had got to know in the city walked by. He saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him the situation and he said we could stay in his house, that he has to go to work really early anyway and well just have the apartment to ourselves. I tried to speak with E. after and he just told me to fuck off, so I left into the night with the kids. He is still hurt by this eventhough I think he crossed a line by yelling about the police. I was tired of the yelling and anger and just wanted to sleep somewhere else. He is really jealous about this guy and doesn't trust I didn't do anything with him. Like I would go to cheat him with someone and take my kids with me... I'm not proud of the decision I made. I understand why he feels bad about it.

Anyway... It's a huge mess we got ourselves into. I'm not proud of how I handled it. I made stupid decisions. But it's in the past and all I can do is to apologize for my own part in it. I however refuse to take responsibility for his anger. The whole thing started over dirty dishes. And I felt like he was really being unfair because I had been washing his dishes, clothes and keeping his house clean and fridge full for the entire month. I am no maid for anyone. Maybe it's a difference in the culture and what women are supposed to do in his country. But if he wants a life with me he needs to understand that I will never be a Cuban woman. Even if I would move to Cuba with him, I'll always be European and I will never settle for being bossed around by my man. You want something done? Treat me well, appreciate my work and ask nicely.

Now I've been back in Finland for two weeks. We have spoken almost every day and everything seems to be okay. As long as neither of us mentions that one incident. I'd prefer to just talk about it, but he is all caught up in his jealousy still. He just can't deal with it. My mother thinks that he feels guilty and deep down knows that he pushed us into another man's house. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't even want to argue.

I think I expect a little too much from him. I have this need for validation and it is not his job to boost my confidence. That is what I need to work on. I am a little needy, especially in Switzerland. I feel really alone while he is working and I have nothing that is MY thing. I feel like I don't belong. If I were to move there, I'd have my work and my hobbies and even the house would feel more like my house too. Now I was in a limbo between being on a holiday and kind of living there for a while. It was hard and made me realize how goddamn hard it will be to move there for real, if that ever comes to pass.

But despite all this crap that happened, there were really wonderful moments. I loved spending time together with him and the kids, going to park and restaurant and just being together. The good times are really good, but this time together we fought the most we ever have. It was really a rollercoaster with so many ups and downs that I lost count. I think we momentarily lost our teamwork that has been pretty amazing this far. Always before I've felt that we've held on to each other through difficulties and now it felt like instead of supporting each other, we were looking for the fault in the other one, instead of thinking what we could do differently. I think the reality is setting in. This was closest to a normal life together we've had. In long-distance relationship you don't really get to practise by staying the night every once in a while. You just plunge head first in and hope you'll last through the initial shock. I think we might have lasted, but just barely.

I love him. It's hard to imagine a life without him. Because we have both spent the last 9 years imagining how our lives could've been if we had remained in contact back when we first met and probably imagined these rosy happy lives for us, the expectations are sky high. And now they are coming down. Crashing.

So far we've agreed that we love each other. That we miss each other terribly when we are not together. That when everything goes well, it goes really well. Sex is fantastic. We have similar hopes and dreams and values. But we are also both coming out of failed and difficult relationships and are still healing. We are a bit too sensitive about certain things and it shows. Yet, I can't think of anything I'd rather have now than a cuddle with him. I can't think of another place I'd rather be than back in Switzerland with him. I still dont know what I want for myself in the future beyond being with him. This is part of my problem. He has become too important in my life. I need to sort out my career and find other important things, so my life doesn't revolve around him and his good and bad moods.

I've never quite experienced this kind of love before. Sometimes it feels it will consume me. A smart person wrote on Instagram the other day that sometimes love can be so overwhelming and strong that you need to focus on yourself for a moment to get peaceful and grounded again. That's how I feel. E. & me together is a hurricane, a whirlwind of emotions, a flood and a heatwave. It's everything that is amazing, passionate, vibrant and really unbelievably blissfull. And then there is the dark side to all that is so very good. The darkness is darker and the light is brighter. I need to find some sort of a balance or I will burn out like a flame.

Thoughts in my head

menthae — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 19:00:33 GMT

My therapist once again reminded me what a great way journalling is to deal with my emotional issues. I don't know why it is so difficult for me these days to sit down and write out the thoughts in my head. I have nothing against it and I know that writing gives me clarity. I just don't seem to get around doing it much. I guess I am out of habit.

I've recently reached my first goal weight in my weightloss journey. It is not where I want to end up, but something I set as a point on the way there. I'm finding out now that I need to take some time off from the weightloss focus in my entire life. My head needs time to catch up with the change this far and the exercising has lost its joy. I'm trying out new things and hoping to find something that works for me. What I did for almost a year is just not cutting it anymore.

Running makes me feel good in the moment, but I don't get that runner's high as so many other people do. I have nothing against running and I do love the feeling of air expanding my lungs as I push myself to run further and faster. But it doesn't ignite me with that spark of wanting to do more and more. That's what I felt with HIIT routines, pilates and zumba, running as well. Now none of those give me the excitement. I'm trying weightlifting at the gym now. And I've tried out some barre workouts because I used to dance ballet as a youngster and love it. I'm also setting myself more challenges. I try to go further, faster and lift heavier. But I kind of feel this is more in my head than about the forms of exercise.

I've meditated and done yoga and stretching this week. I am desperately to leave behind this dreariness and exhaustion I've been feeling. I need to start feeling better about myself and my life. I feel like I am closer to getting there, making the break for it and running away from those negative voices for good. I feel lighter. I worry less. I'm no longer carrying everyone else's problems on my shoulders. I am learning to say no so I can say yes more to those things I really want to do.

But I am also still feeling scared. I'm self-sabotaging by procrastinating stuff that shouldn't be delayed but just dealt with. I'm standing on my way. I'm hesitating because of uncertainty, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. It is my challenge in this moment. I need to find the direction, accept and embrace the uncertainty and just go for it. No promise is forever. I can always figure things out anew if all goes sideways. I am really scared to think about the possibility that things don't work out, that he doesn't get his permit renewed. Everything looks so promising now in this moment. It will devastating to lose everything I've dreamed about. I know I can survive that too, but quite honestly I do not want to even go there. I just don't know how I could pick up my pieces if I lost him, because of stupid thing that is out of our control. Life is not that black and white and there are other ways to build a life together, but if he is not willing to do that and I can't... If neither of us can give in, there will be no future together. I don't think for me it is possible to do more than promise I'll move for him into another country in Europe. To go further is not possible for me. I need to provide the kids the possibility to see their father and if he would be a 12 hour flight away... that's just too far. For them I can't do it. He says he can't come to my country because he is scared to repeat his earlier mistakes. I think that is a wrong way to live, but it is his life. I can't force him to come to me if he doesn't want to. But it does break my heart that he can say so calmly and surely that he will rather finish the relationship for good than even try a life in my country if it is the last possibility on earth.

It is so hard to have faith in the future when this permit situation is hanging over us. I'm just literally waiting for July and the day when we know for sure if we have a future together or not. I thought about just cooling things off until then, but the truth is that I'd rather take these last months with him even if they were to be our last than give up now to avoid more pain in case of a heartbreak. I think we belong together and there has to be a way to do it. There has to be a way for us to be together. Life just can't be so cruel that it would separate us. We've both had hard time for the past 2 years and we deserve some happiness and sunshine.

I need to find that faith in the future and in good things happening in this unjust world. I need to let go of the fear and just believe we will have everything we dream of. We will be together. Our love will last. It has lasted through one year of difficulties and being thousands of miles apart. It can last a bit more hard times. And then we will have that day when we can finally be together, live under the same roof, wake up and fall asleep next to eachother, have a family. Patience. I have so little patience.

Before I felt drowned, suffocated, paralyzed by this situation. Now it doesn't affect me like that. Now I hang somewhere above that desperation and doom. I'm not feeling joyful or super positive either, but can somehow trust that the life will provide us with a solution or if not we'll figure out what we do once we get there. I hope.

I guess the hope is the key. I hang on to the hope.

Gratitude.

menthae — Wed, 25 Sep 2013 22:14:49 GMT

Since I officially became a single mother, I have experienced so much kindness and support from people around me. It surprised me completely. While I was living in a relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend and father of my children, I felt so alone in this world. I felt like I had to carry everything on my own. Now as I literally am alone with the kids, people have stepped forward to offer their support.

There are still those moments when I am completely alone and when it is not possible to reach for other people. There are those moments when I know the help is there, but that I still have to deal with the emotional stuff on my own. There are still moments when I think that I can't do this. I forget the gloves, boots or a scarf. I only have energy to maintain the level of mild disarray in the house, but not clean up the bigger cluttered areas. Last week I only cooked one meal by myself. Everything else was store bought and on many nights we didn't even eat a warm meal, just some toast. The kids eat two meals at daycare and preschool and often don't have much of an appetite at home. So I sometimes skip the warm meal too, because I just don't feel like cooking only for myself.

But regardless the difficult moments, I am grateful.

I am grateful for my mother. I feel like I can't ever really repay all of this to her. She is not the motherly type. Being with the kids is not natural and easy for her. She loses her cool easily and loud noises annoy her. She loves my kids to bits, but she prefers them in smaller doses not all day long. Same goes with my father. And yet they have both been babysitting for me, so that I've been able to work at the theatre or to take time off and go to see E. They've gone above and beyond what I expected. My mother has organized her work around my schedules & bought me groceries on numerous occations, without me having to ask her to do these things for me. She was always a phone call away when I faced the first weekend without the kids as their dad had them. I cried through the whole weekend and the whole next week and my mother called me several times aday just to make sure I was even remotely ok. My parents have also organized so much fun activities for the kids to do and to take their mind of all these huge changes happening in their lives. I have no energy to do trips, picnics or go to see a kid-friendly concert. I barely get through the every day stuff. So I am really happy someone comes up with these nice things to do. I go along and participate, but it would be completely beyond my capabilities to organize such things right now. I am so grateful for my parents. I know they don't have a lot of money and they have their own health problems and other stuff to deal with and yet they are here for me whenever I need.

My neighbor, who is my mother's old friend and also my close friend has been my savior so many times. My parents live far and can't be here on a moment's notice. My neighbor has watched the kids while I take care of urgent matters. She has come over to chat and found me in tears, because I am just so tired and taken the kids to play outside, to give me a moment to myself. She has invited us all over for coffee, juice and apple pie and lifted our spirits. She has talked things through with me when I have felt nothing makes sense and even sat in my house at 2am while I took ex-boyfriend to ER after a suicide attempt. She has been such a good friend and done so much more than I could have ever asked of her. I hope I can one day help her too.

I am grateful for my two closest friends who have come to see me to make sure that I am ok. Who have encouraged me to keep up my exercise routine and made me take time to have fun. They have listened to me relationship troubles for years and now that my relationship ended, they have been there. They've watched my kids, come over in the middle of the night because I was crying hysterically. But most of all they've given me so many fun and happy moments in the middle of otherwise dark time in my life. I know that whenever we get together, I feel better afterwards. They make me smile, giggle and rememeber there are good things in life too.

I am also extremely grateful for E. I am grateful to simply have him in my life. It was such a miracle that he re-entered my life on the very moment when everything was crashing down around me. He has listened to me, watched me cry on Facetime without being able to really do anything for me except be there. He has held me, put up with my crazy fluctuating moods and the crying that never seemed to end. His life is extremely difficult right now and yet he still is there for me. Speaking with him almost daily gives me so much. Knowing that there is this one person on this planet who is thinking of me, missing me and loving me, even though we can't be together right now... it makes such a difference. Having something to look forward to in the future, it keeps me going. I dream of our life together in the future. He has given me hope when I had none. He has given me a reason to believe there are good men too. He has forgiven me for walking away from him 9 years ago and is completely ready to open up his heart for me again, even though I already broke it once. Because of E I believe I can love and be happy again. I'm pushing myself to step beyond my limits, to learn new languages and to just go with the flow without overanalyzing every single thing. I am so grateful and happy that he loves me. He is such a caring and good person who wants to help everyone he loves. It inspires me immensely. When I am actually physically with him, everything feels possible. I feel like I can face anything if he is by my side. But it is not obsessive or I don't feel like I need him in order to succeed, I just feel like there's nothing we can't do when we are together. We give each other strength. I do need him in my life. I want to need him there. It is hard to be so far away. I am grateful for each and every moment I can spend with him.

I am also grateful for every single person who has asked if they can help or do something for me. It means so much. My other neighbor, who was very recently diagnosed with diabetes and has two young children of her own and a husband who works mainly night shifts, offered to do my shopping for me. Her own life is stressful and she is going through a huge life change with her diagnosis and yet she worries how I get along. These offers truly touch my heart. I feel kind of blessed that there are so many people I can turn to.

better let it out.

menthae — Mon, 19 Aug 2013 12:56:10 GMT

I don't know why today is such a crap day. There is no reason for it to be really.

This is my first official weekend without children as a single mother. And it is not a weekend but 5 days. I am going a little crazy alone in the house.

I feel the pressure to do all things useful and at the same time all I want to do is cry. I am so damn alone. And it is not the feeling of being alone in the house, but being alone in this life. It is hitting me hard today. I don't know how to be alone, do things alone, make decisions alone. We are all ultimately alone in life. Those moments when it hits you, they are scary.

My friends are working and busy with their own lives. I know they are and I can't really blame them. I'm jealous of their lives. I was supposed to meet my friends tonight, but my ride had to cancel because of overtime at work. So I'm stuck at home for another night by myself. Last night I finally got the migraine that has been promising to arrive since Friday. I was so stressed about the meeting on Friday with the social worker & my ex to agree about custody, visitation and money. I knew I would get a migraine afterwards, but it took 2 days to arrive. So I didn't speak with E last night. I slept in a dark room.

I guess the meeting made this all official. I am now a single mother in all the papers too. I get the minimum child support payment and my ex is not even paying all of that. The government will help him out. I find it quite unfair that if my ex should become unemployed, he will have to pay next to nothing & the government pays everything he can't pay. I am currently unemployed, but that has nothing to do with anything. I still have to find money to pay the food, clothes, doctor's bills, hobbies, everything. He has no obligation to help with any expenses after he has paid his child support or government has paid it for him.

Money is not the issue though. I can live with what we get. I just cut the spending to minimum. And I'm sure the grandparents will help me with hobbies and bigger purchases whenever it is necessary. It just feels unfair how little the dad has to do. One weekend per month and couple of hundred euros. That is the responsibility of a father. That is so fucking little.

I'd like to think he will try to be more of a father than that. But the truth is, I'm afraid he will settle for as little as possible.

E is having a difficult time as well and we had to cancel my trip to see him, because neither of us really has the money right now. I was looking forward to being with him. I need to be with him so much. Hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, fall asleep in his arms and feel safe and not alone. Feel like there is someone in this world for me.

I know that I have to get through this alone. I have to deal with these emotions and fears alone. No one can really help me. I just have to persevere until I feel better. But being with friends and my kids and skyping with E, those all help, because I am reminded why I made my decisions, why I am in this situation now and why this is better than the alternative. I am reminded that I have all these great people in my life who like me and want good things for me.

When I am alone, I overthink everything and I keep on thinking and thinking and worrying and everything is crap after that.

It just feels like this weekend all the people I normally turn to when I need support are busy with their own problems, own lives, own things and I'm having a really hard time getting out of this hole I've dug for myself with my dark thoughts, fears and frustrations. I'm trying to be easy on myself and be understanding, but at the same time I'm constantly mentally kicking myself for not moving ahead in life fast enough.

My emotions are a rollercoaster right now. Yesterday I was pretty much on top of the world before the migraine hit. Today I woke up tired, because that is what a migraine does to me. I had a dentist appointment, which usually tends to make my day hell every single time. I hate going to the dentist. And then I walk back home to the empty, messy house and have no energy or desire to clean, to do anything really. I find out that my friend cancelled the girls' night tonight and E is MIA from Facebook although it is his day off and he promised to speak to me during the day today.

I've tried cleaning, doing the laundry and everytime I start doing something useful, I start crying. I don't know if this is the moment when the magnitude of my life change hits me. I can't help the crying. The tears just flow and I don't really know what I am crying about. Everything I suppose. I try not to cry in front of the children, so I guess this is what I have been holding inside of me. Better let it out probably.

the only way is up...

menthae — Tue, 06 Aug 2013 11:15:41 GMT

Two days since my low point, when I felt like a pile of frayed nerves and a puddle of tears on the floor.

I'm still sick with flu and I'm still not sleeping well, but I suspect it now has more to do with my flu than anything else. The flu is really not helping, but hey why not do this the hardest way possible, right life?!

When I wrote the last time, I decided already when I was writing that I need to do something. I need to pick myself up and start towards something better, crying and self pity was not getting me anywhere. First thing I made myself realize was that this situation is new to all of us, me, my children, my ex, my current boyfriend, my family, my friends... It will take time for us all to get used to this. I must give myself time and kind of let go of the mother I was in a relationship and realize that something has to give. I won't be able to be the kind of mother I was. I have no time for homecooked meals every day. I have no one to go shopping for me, so it is impossible to do that daily. I need to buy food for at least 3 days at one shopping trip. Shopping with a 3- and 5-year old children is a nightmare. I will not make myself go through that on a daily basis.

I need to be kinder to myself. I need to give myself good things to look forward to. I need to connect with other moms. This I have already been doing. I must not guilt trip myself over every angry and snappy sentence that comes out of my mouth. I'm not feeling good. I'm tired and now also sick. It is normal I have no patience to whining or tantrums. I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life, so I will not be the best version of myself right now. I have to keep on focusing on the good moments.

I am normally a positive person. Since I broke up with J, my positivity has really been put to a test. Sometimes I really miss him. When I find a new recipe I want to try, I think how before I would have told him. He liked cooking and it was something we shared. He was my best friend too, the person I shared everything with for the past 8 years. There are moments I miss that very much.

My friends and family are so angry at J for everything he put us through that they can't really remember the good times. He is not a bad person, troubled yes, very troubled, but not bad. I'm not apologizing for his behaviour, not anymore. I'm not making excuses for him. I would not have put up with the bad stuff for so long, if it had been all bad all the time. There were good times. But towards the end just too little in between the crap.

I didn't break up with him, because I woke up one day and realized that I did not love him anymore or because I had someone else in my life. I broke up with him because I saw no future with him. The trust was broken too many times and nothing seemed to change for the better, only worse. So I'm still dealing with my emotions towards him just like he probably is dealing with his emotions towards me. I hope for the sake of the children and little for me too that one day we can be something that resembles friends. I'd like him as a friend. Not a close friend, but someone I can talk to occationally. Im not sure if that will happen. Maybe there's too much stuff between us.

I wish I had time for myself without a boyfriend. I had not thought to get involved with anyone right away. I'm not the kind of person who does that. For me it has always been important to be independent and alone after a big breakup and be alone for a while before even thinking about a new relationship. It is difficult to make sense of all my emotions right now. There are the sad and angry ones from the failed relationship. There's frustration and failure. There's guilt. Why did I wait for so long? Maybe my kids saw and experienced too much. Maybe I saw and experienced too much. And then there's that quickening heartbeat when the Facetime connects and I see E, preparing food, smoking on the balcony or lounging on his bed without a shirt. There's the warmth that fills me when he says "Te amo tanto.". There is the silly smile that takes over my face when I think of him, the fist of longing squeezing my heart when I haven't seen him for a while or when I think of the 5 long months before I can touch him again.

I want to focus on my children, on myself, my future, but it is impossible to disregard this love I have for E. It is like it has been in my heart for 9 years and even grown if possible and now that we have another chance, I dont control my love anymore. It has escaped my heart and lives a life on its own. I'm not in control at all. I thought about suggesting that we wait for a year, just be friends and chat occationally, but it is impossible. I have to really focus on taking it slow. I would marry him right away, if he was free to marry me and wanted to. It is crazy. It is scary and I think it is a little unhealthy. I know people always say they have never felt like this before. I have. 9 years ago when I left Cuba and E behind, I felt like I was cutting my heart out of my chest. Everyone said to me that it was just a holiday romance or puppy love. I think he is the one for me.

We are strong and will fight, like we already have. He is really quick to anger and not easy to calm down. I am steadfast in my opinions and if I feel I'm treated unfairly, I will not give in an inch. I see a lot of silly arguments in our future. But we have both waited and hoped to meet again for 9 years. We have both been with other people and thought about each other. We have been in each other's thoughts for 9 years. I think we will never take our love and being together for granted. It feels like a miracle that we found each other. I can't just say "Sorry but not now". I might get my heart broken so badly that it will never heal, but 9 years ago I acted in fear and let him go. I will not back out now because of fear. I will throw my all at this relationship, do everything it takes to make it work and to give it a chance. If it doesn't work then at least we gave it a shot.

I think we might end up being that disgustingly sweet couple who is always just as much in love as when they first met. Or our love will end up being so explosive that it is impossible to maintain a relationship. Either way, I need to see what it is going to be.

And while we are taking it slow with E, I need to start making decisions about my own life, work, school, career, where to live, what to do... I have to make that my top priority. Now if I only knew what I wanted in life besides a future with E...

low point

menthae — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 09:44:20 GMT

Yesterday was a low point. Another one.

I am still not sleeping well and I have managed to get myself a summer flu. So I was even more tired than the days leading up to this. I have been short-tempered with the kids but yesterday I just had no energy at all to even hold a resemblance to discipline. Cooking dinner for the kids at 8pm was a triumph. Before I began it felt like an impossible task. Getting them to clean up at least the surface of the bed from all the toys and to listen a bedtime story was another triumph. One task at a time I pushed through the fatigue all day long.

E wanted to see me, so after I had put the kids to bed, I accepted his Facetime call. I informed him that I am sick, probably have fever and am so tired I'd prefer death to sleep, if it meant I could rest forever. I didn't exactly say that, but I said I was very very tired. I asked how he was and he simply shrugged his beautiful shoulders. I wanted to show him what I had bought to his family earlier that day from a sale at my local shop. He didn't want to see. So I suggested that maybe it was not a good time for us to talk, if he didn't really want to talk about anything. He started to speak about me eating while we talk (I was having a cup of tea and a snack) and me exercising in a tone of voice I did not appreciate. So I told him bye and stopped the call. I then sent him a message on Facebook and told him to not call me if all he wants to do is bicker. I am tired, sick and having the first quiet moment of the day after the kids have fallen asleep. I do not want to use it by bickering with someone, anyone.

After a moment he apologized. Wrote that he is still feeling weird after the funeral yesterday and was taking it out on me. That it is best indeed that we don't see eachother while he is in this mood. But that surely I know he loves me and that I am the most important to him.

I cried a little after that. I want to be supportive of him and push my own problems aside when I speak with him, but on days like yesterday, when I have zero energy and I already feel like I'm stretched too thin and carry too much on my shoulders, it just feels like I have no more to give. And really it is ok that he is not in the mood to talk, I have told him that. And it is ok if he doesn't want to see me one day. But he specifically sent me a message earlier that day that he has to see me because he misses me too much. The Facetime call wasn't quite what I expected after that message.

I know he doesnt have friends or family to pour his bad feelings on. I am probably closest to that. So I guess it is natural that I have become his shit bucket for bad feelings. That's what we people do, make our loved ones hear all the crap and feel it too. Except I do not have any intention of accepting that from him. Not when he doesnt accept it from me. Not when I can barely deal with my own shit. Not when I am this vulnerable. Not when our relationship is only these Facetime calls and rare moments spent together when I travel to see him.

Boundaries are difficult for me. I am codependent by nature, have been since childhood. I have been trampled on so many times. This time I am trying my hardest to stick to the boundaries, to make it clear from the very beginning that it is not ok to treat me badly. Not even when you are sad and mourning a death of your friend. It does not give you the right to treat me like crap. It may give a little bit of more understanding on your moment of bad behaviour but it is no excuse to be nasty to me.

I'm glad I ended the call instead of getting sucked into a pointless argument. Apparently he is well aware that my body issues & weight loss journey is something that will push my buttons. If he uses it one more time as an ammunition in an argument, I will address that. It is a low blow to go there, when he knows that I am working my ass off to lose weight and am succeeding too. He has said many times that my size doesn't matter to him, has made fun of my stomach (which I did not appreciate but smiled anyway). He doesn't really get how fragile my body image is at the moment. Or really how fragile I am at the moment.

He has no children and thus he has no idea of the magnitude of responsibility that just fell on my shoulders alone. Nothing much has changed yet with the every day stuff. I did it before mostly anyway. The only problem is my lack of sleep. But the responsibility of everything the future holds in store for me and the kids. Being the only example, the parent who is supposed to do it all, that is what has sent me on a free fall. I don't care what other people think, I don't care about appearances like some other single mothers I've talked with or like my mother, who is worried how everything looks on the outside. I care about not being constantly tired and snappy to the children, having time to read for them every night, bathing them at least every other day, preferably every day as my son is covered in sticky substances at the end of every day. I care about having the energy to make healthy food for them and having time for myself to exercise.

I do not want to put on the weight I have already lost. For one week now I have not really had a chance to exercise. I have been too busy and too tired and now I'm sick. My weight has stayed the same, so no gain yet, but I know that if I stop exercising, it will be super-hard to keep the kilos from piling on and to begin this exercise routine anew.

I am afraid I will not survive from running the daily stuff, the food, the sleep, the laundry, the cleaning... I have never been good at it before but I somehow got it done. Now I'm left with piles of stuff to go through and organize on top of the normal things that seem overwhelming by themselves.

What is the hardest thing about parenting? For me it is the moments when you feel like you have come to your absolute bottom. You have no energy to pick yourself up and go to bed to sleep let alone catch those little rascals who were supposed to be asleep in their beds but instead are running around. You have no patience, no good will, no nothing. You are running on empty. And yet while you sit there on the floor feeling empty, beaten down and absolutely out of control, tears running down your cheeks, you know that in a moment you have to get up and put those kids to bed and feed those cats and put the clothes ready for tomorrow and get yourself to bed too. You sit there and dig deep and somewhere you find those last drops of willpower and you do what you have to do. This is what people with no children who are not extreme athletes or in other kinds of extreme circumstances don't understand. They have no concept of facing your limits and then having to push through because you just have to. There have been many moments in my life as a parent when I have felt like I cant do this anymore and pushed through.

E has no experience of this with children. He doesn't know how frazzled your brains can feel after one day alone with two children. How many times you have to get up from dinner table to cater for the needs of your children. Often I eat after my kids have eaten when the food is already cold, because I have no time to touch my food while my kids are eating. They need more milk, more tomatoes, more this more that, the milk spills, the spoon falls... He is a son of a single mother and I know he holds an appreciation for strong women who are capable of dealing with everything life throws their way. But I am afraid of him seeing the reality of life with two children. Not just the holiday version of it.

He wants children, but with children you can't put your own feelings, wants and needs first every time. You can't always do as you want. You are not free to just do things impulsively on a moments notice. I have grown up immensely since I became a parent. Now that I have been officially a single parent for one week I can already say that I'm going to grow up a lot more during the next few months.

I am afraid that we will be in different places in our lives. For me it is difficult to accept his immaturity when I have no possibility to behave like that even when I want to sometimes. Recklessness is something I have no luxury to experience. He needs to meet me half way, maybe even more because I'm not sure if I can meet him half way. There are some things that are just given, that I cant change. I will forever put my children first. He is my first in adult world, but my children will always be first for me. If I can't take my children away from Finland, I will not leave them when they are still so young. Maybe 10 years from now that could be a possibility, but not yet. He must face the possibility that we can never be together for real. I must too. I want to live with him, but I don't know if that is going to ever happen.

I must say that I am working on putting my adult needs and my own needs first occationally, because I realize that a mother can't always be a martyr. But moving the children to a different country is a huge decision and something I can't make alone. The father has his say and I believe he will not let me move.

Time is what we all need right now. I need time for myself to get through my breakup, to heal my wounds and to stand on my own feet again. He needs time to finish his marriage, deal with his emotions relating to that and to stand on his own feet again. We need time to get to know eachother better and to find out if this love we have is as strong as it seems it is. I personally feel the love growing stronger through every shared experience, the good and the bad. I hope he feels the same way. If our relationship does not work, the breakup will be so big that I will never survive it. If this breakup now feels like the end of the world as we knew it, breakup with E would be the end of me. I really don't want to think about my life without him in it.

s c r a p b o o k 2 0 1 3 & 2 01 4

menthae — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 21:11:39 GMT

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R E S O L U T I O N S

♥ Follow my heart and intuition.
♥ Make decisions based on what is best for me, not to please others.
♥ Learn Italian.

M O M E N T S

time before April was largely crap. the same old mess that living with an alcoholic is. my days, weeks and months merge into one and I have no recollection what exactly happened and when. April is when everything changed with one Facebook friend search.

14th April - found E on Facebook.
29th April - broke up with J for good.
08th May - 32 years old.
16th to 19th May - working at the Circus.
25th May - working at a fashion show.
26th May - promo video for a Finnish fashion label.
30th May - meeting E in Switzerland for the first time in 9 years. 4 days together with him are like a dream.
15th June - E is 34 years old.
19th June - My graduation from Make-Up Academy, which I miss bc of tooth ache.
28th June - E goes to Cuba & we have next to no communication for 10 days.
29th June - My friend Sara has a party and I catch up with old friends from high school.
01st to 05th June - teaching make-up at children's summer camp.
08th June - I go to Cuba to be with E. 16 amazing days together. meeting his lovely family. falling asleep in his arms. love him more than ever.
23rd June - catching the plane back to Finland. miss him so much my heart aches. life feels empty without him.
24th June - my plane lands to Finland and I meet my kids for the first time in 3 weeks. happy tears.
25th June - come home to an empty house. now it is just me and the kids for real.
29th June - E's father-in-law passes away. want to be there for him & the distance feels awful at a moment like this.
8th August - Isla begins pre-school.
27th August - Start working for the production of Les Miserables
29th October - Going to Lugano via Milano. Plane late for 7 hours. FTS!
1st November - Back home. Bye my love <3
28th December - Hola Havana! Almost missed my connecting flights, but miraculously it all worked out. 3 weeks together with E.

17th January - Back to freezing cold Finland. From 25 degrees Celcius to -25 degrees Celsius.
09th February - E comes to Finland and meets my kids & parents for the first time <3
12th February - E returns to Switzerland
20th March - Lukas 4 years.
22nd March - The birthday party for Lukas. volcano cake. Ears ring 2 days after.
05th April - College class reunion. Awesome time. Awesome people.
14th April - One year since reconnecting with E <3
30th April - Burlesque masquerade party
8th May - 33 years old. Can't believe how fast the years go.
10th May - E goes to Cuba. Serafina the cat is badly hurt & is stitched up by a vet.
11th May - Mother's day
31st May - moving back to my parents' house
1st June - E back in Switzerland
2nd June - Corso d'Italia starts. Loving the teacher!
14th June - I go to Switzerland for a month!

P R O J E C T S

01. Learn to speak Italian.
02. Complete 40 days of May Cause Miracles. 12/40
03. Do yoga for 40 days in a row.
04. Revive my book blog.
05. Revive my personal journal.
06. Start a proper blog.

M O V I E S

001. Hunger Games
002. Hunger Games - Catching Fire
003. Walk of Shame
004. We Are The Millers
005. Burlesque
006. The Big Wedding

B O O K S

Reading at the moment:
- El Alquimista by Paulo Coelho
- Firefly Lane by Kirsten Hannah
- The Geography of You a Me by Jennifer E. Smith (g)
- Life As We Knew It by Susan Beth Pfeffer
- Maya's Notebook by Isabel Allende
- The Perfume Collector by Kathleen Tessaro
- Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho

- The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte
- May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein (g)
- Miracles Now by Gabrielle Bernstein (g)

Books I have read in 2014:
(g) = galley
(r) = reviewed

01. Pahanilmanlintu/ Olycksfågeln by Camilla Läckberg
02. Mind Games by Kiersten White *
03. Hip Check by Deirdre Martin
04. The Lake by Banana Yoshimoto *
05. Divergent by Veronica Roth
06. Saarnaaja / Preacher by Camilla Läckberg *
07. Summer at Tiffany by Marjorie Hart *
08. Lost in Translation by Nicole Mones *
09. Cupcakes at Carrington's by Alexandra Brown *
10. Afterwards by Rosamund Lupton

Books I have read in 2013:
(g) = galley

01. Jinx by Meg Cabot
02. Home Front by Kristin Hannah
02. Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater
03. Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin
04. The Ice Princess by Camilla Läckberg
05. Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
06. Fated by Alyson Noël *
07. The Iron King by Julie Kagawa *
08. Speak No Evil by Allison Brennan
09. Restoring Grace by Katie Fforde
10. You Don't Have to Say You Love Me by Sarra Manning
11. Cross My Heart and Hope to Die by Sara Shepard
12. Just Breathe by Janette Paul (g)
13. Children of the Jacaranda Tree by Sahar Delijani (g) *
14. The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin *
15. Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella *
16. The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger *
17. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood *
18. The Death of Bees by Lisa O'Donnell
19. Sushi For Beginners by Marian Keyes
20. The Rules of Disappearing by Ashley Elston (g)
21. The House at Riverton by Kate Morton *
22. Winter Wonderland by Belinda Jones
23. The House Girl by Tara Conklin *
24. Daisy's Back in Town by Rachel Gibson
25. See Jane Score by Rachel Gibson
26. One Moment by Kristina McBride *
27. Crazy On You by Rachel Gibson
28. Maphead by Ken Jennings *
29. Cascade by Maryanne O'Hara (g) *
30. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness *
31. Silver Girl by Elin Hilderbrand *

r e a d i n g c h a l l e n g e s

2014

A-Z Titles
A - Afterwards by Rosamund Lupton
B
C - Cupcakes at Carrington's by Alexandra Brown
D - Divergent by Veronica Roth
E
F - Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah
G - The Geography of You and Me by Jennifer E. Smith
H - Hip Check by Deirdre Martin
I
J
K
L - Lost in Translation by Nicole Mones
M - Mind Games by Kiersten White
N
O
P - Pahanilmanlintu by Camilla Läckberg
Q
R
S - Summer at Tiffany by Marjorie Hart
T
U
V
X
Y
Z

A-Z Authors
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L - Läckberg, Camilla - Saarnaaja / Preacher
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y - Yoshimoto, Banana - The Lake
Z

M U S I C

2014 Favorite albums:
Animal Heart by Nina Persson
Bodyparts by Dragonette

2013 Favorite albums:

2014 Favorite songs:
♥ Animal Heart by Nina Persson
♥ Hurricane by MS MR
♥ Dreaming of Houses by Nina Persson
♥ Not As We by Alanis Morissette
♥ Love Me Like I'm Not Made of Stone by Lykke Li
♥ All The Right Reasons by The Morse Codes
♥ Little Bit by Hannah Miller
♥ Addicted to You by Avicii
♥ Break My Heart by Sara Jackson-Holman
♥ White Wedding by Juliet Lyons
♥ Eyes Without a Face by Juliet Lyons
♥ We Are the Stars by The Pierces
♥ Candy by Plan B
♥ Un Angelo Disteso Al Sole by Eros Ramazzotti
♥ Run Run Run by Dragonette
♥ La Rumba Nueva
♥ Riot by Dragonette
♥ Right Woman by Dragonette
♥ Stay by Miley Cyrus

2013 Favorite songs:
♥ Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler
♥ Nobody's Perfect (acoustic) by Jessie J
♥ Bird in Another Tree by The Good Mad
♥ My Heart Goes Boom by Miss Li
♥ Lucky Ones by Lana Del Rey
♥ Bang Bang Bang Bang by Sohodolls
♥ Six Months in a Leaky Boat by Little Birdy
♥ I Would Walk 500 Miles by Kenny & The Scots
♥ Sama Nainen by Chisu
♥ Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey
♥ Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
♥ Hölmö Rakkaus by Scandinavian Music Group
♥ Inside Your Heaven by Carrie Underwood
♥ Wasted by Carrie Underwood
♥ Symphony of Life by Tina Arena
♥ Change the World by Eric Clapton
♥ Currency of Love by Joseph Arthur
♥ Myöhemmin by Jonna Tervomaa
♥ Kesäyö by Pariisin Kevät
♥ Vanha Sydän by Erin
♥ Mä Annan Sut Pois by Laura Närhi
♥ Hetki On Kaunis by Haloo Helsinki
♥ Manana by Myriam Hernandez
♥ Bon, Bon by Pitbull
♥ Limbo by Daddy Yankee
♥ Tócame by Cubanito 20.02
♥ Sun Goes Down by Icona Pop
♥ I Love It by Icona Pop
♥ Little Things by The Peach Things
♥ Soon Will Be by The Peach Kings
♥ Bananza by Akon
♥ Empty Chairs At Empty Tables from Les Miserables
♥ Bottom of the River by Delta Rae
♥ My Own Worst Enemy by Idina Menzel
♥ Gangsta by Kat Dahlia
♥ Symphony 6: Fair Thee Well & The Requiem Mix by Emily Wells
♥ Chillando Goma by Fulanito
♥ The Lovers by Emma Shapplin
♥ Trouble by Neon Jungle
♥ The Woman I Am by Kellie Pickler
♥ Someone Somewhere Tonight by Kellie Pickler
♥ Rockaway by Kellie Pickler
♥ I Hope You Find It by Cher
♥ Welcome To Burlesque by Cher
♥ Sexy People by Arianna & Pitbull
♥ Des Ronds Dans L'Eau by Francoise Hardy
♥ Ca Va Le Faire by Keen'V
♥ Shake Senora by Pitbull
♥ See You Again by Carrie Underwood

I C O N S

defaults here

G R A P H I C S

none this far.

Así es la vida.

menthae — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 20:34:50 GMT

Many moments have passed, many words have been said and my life is somehow better and emptier than it was 2 months ago.

Everything is calm. The house is quiet for the night, my babies sleeping in my bed, because neither of them wanted to sleep alone tonight. They are missing their father. I don't have to worry about him turning up drunk two hours from now and waking them up. It's just us three now. I haven't been the best of mothers since I returned from Cuba. I have been jetlag insomniac and extremely tired during the day. Tired equals short temper. I hate myself tired. Today I took a two hour nap in the middle of the day, the same time my children were supposed to be napping. I woke up to squeals of laughter as they were jumping on the bed at the other end of the house. So much for a nap. Nevertheless I feel a little more like a normal person and little less like the angry tired monster.

I was worrying about my future and how I will cope with everything when E sent me a message on Facebook. I was surprised because he was supposed to be at work and usually he doesn't have time for chatting at work. Then he told me that his Swiss dad had died. He is really E's father-in-law but he regards him as a dad. They were very close. I haven't really spoken with him after. Only sent our condolences and told him how I feel for his pain and how him and his Swiss family are in my thoughts. It feels such a tiny thing to do. I wish I could really be there for him, but this is their grief. He needs the family now. I never knew this man who passed away. I heard many good things about him and I know he was very important to E. I want to hold him while he cries. I want to actuallt be there to just be there. And yet I know I would be intruding on a moment that is not mine, if I went there. I could fly there to be with him. I could. But this is not the moment. It is not about me and what I want. It is about the family coming together to grieve. And I'm not family.

So I baked bread. Because when I'm sad, I need to make something to eat. Tomorrow I will pick raspberries with the kids and make cupcakes or a pie, maybe both. Tonight we made bread. And my darling daughter drew an angel picture for E and his Swiss family. Because angels take care of people who have passed away. They make them dinner and wash their clothes like mothers take care of their children. Said my 5-year old.

I think we will send her drawing to E with our condolences. My daughter wants to make everyone happy and she makes drawings both when she is sad and when someone else is sad. She has been missing her dad and grandma the last week and made at least 50 drawings for them. I bake and my daughter draws. My baby boy, he cries.

It breaks my heart when he wakes up from his sleep, crying for daddy or explains to everyone how daddy doesn't live with us anymore. He doesn't understand why and he is so young I can't really tell him. I only hope that he will never remember how bad things were. Daughter remembers but maybe my little one was too little to understand or remember how drunk and messed up his dad really was.

Amidst all this sadness, loss and tears, I keep telling myself that I did the right thing. I keep telling myself that he wouldn't have stopped drinking had I not left him. Everything would've continued just like before until I had been the one to fall to pieces. I keep telling myself that although it feels like everything has ended, broken and in need of fixing, this is really a new beginning. It is although it doesn't feel like it.

I cry every day. I am terrified how I will survive financially, mentally just get through the every day life. I feel so shattered, like my life has been blown to pieces and I'm desperately trying to put the pieces back together and they just won't fit. And I feel so guilty for thinking about myself and my life, when my love just lost his second father. But I lost someone too. I lost the man I loved so much that I watched him self-destruct for 3 years. I did everything for him, even prayed although I do not believe in God. I took him to ER at night when he cut his wrists, to psychiatric ward after he tried to hang himself. I lived in fear of losing him for years, every day I was afraid. And in April I made the decision to leave him. I decided to cut him out of my life as much as I can with 2 children together with him. And yet I have this need to grieve the relationship that no longer is and all the dreams we had together that never came to be.

I don't want him back. I can't have him back. But no one seems to understand that I still miss him. He was my best friend. He knows things no one else does. He knew me better than anyone. He understood me. He wrecked my self esteem, my happiness and my future plans. I let him wreck my life. And yet I need to cry about the loss of him & what we could have been, if he had chosen to straighten up his life when we still had the chance.

Now I am in love with another man. Very much in love. I am trying to navigate these feelings of loss and brilliant new happiness at the same time. Sometimes they collide and I don't know what to feel. Except fear. I fear losing E, just like I feared losing J. I think it will be years before I've left behind the trauma of witnessing multiple suicide attempts. Maybe I will always fear losing people I care about. Maybe that is the legacy I will carry on from this failed relationship. I'm wary about the use of alcohol and probably I nitpick about it. I'm scared about alcohol ruining another relationship for me. I swore I would never again let me go to that place and I wont. Not for anyone, except maybe my child, but I hope that will never happen.

I don't feel like I have any strength to give to E right now when he needs it. I will do whatever he needs or wants from me right now. If he needs me to stand back while he grieves with the family, I'll do that. In 5 months I can hold him again. It feels like forever. Long distance love is not easy. But in all honesty, I think I would not be ready for a more intense and close relationship. I'm half of the person I usually am, if even that. I don't really recognise myself. I live from day to day, sometimes one moment at a time. I take on one task each day and I try to complete that. Today I wanted to use one avocado I brought back with me from Cuba. I did that. I managed to also bake with the children and write kind words to my very sad boyfriend. I made two phone calls that needed to be made, one succesfully completed, another not. Tomorrow I will try that phone call again and hope that this time there is someone to answer my call.

I know I need to give myself time to grieve. This life situation was inevitable and no matter how difficult everything seems right now, it is still a better situation than living with an addict. I am just so god damn scared. I take my hats off to all single parents everywhere. I am just beginning and I am so overwhelmed about everything. How do you cope with all that life throws your way? With two children who depend on me, I know I just have to do it. There is no other choice. But how do I balance what I want and need in life with the reality of needing money to pay the bills and to feed my kids? Do I just give up on my dreams for now or should I keep on pursuing them and live with my unemployment benefits? What are my dreams right now? I don't really know.

I dream of a life that would give me a moment to breathe before throwing another curveball my way. I dream of a day when I don't have to worry about money. I used to dream about working in film industry as a make-up artist. Right now I just dream about work. Any work that actually pays the bills. I used to dream about living with the man I love, having a family with him. Now I just dream about seeing him in 5 months time.

Everything is so difficult. Why couldn't I find a man in my own country? And not yet. Maybe 6 months from now. I want to be able to do all the decisions I have to do, without having to think about all these other people. I have to think about my children and my parents a little. I have to think about J, because he needs to have access to the children and we need to organize many things together regarding them. I need to think about E and how to have an actual future together with him in a same country, same house. And I need to think about myself and what I want and need in this life. How to make this puzzle work? I have no idea. Not one piece is fitting together with another. Not one.

Mi amor.

menthae — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 20:37:15 GMT

I flew to Switzerland to meet my Holiday Romance Man last week. The four days we had together weren't perfect, but in terms of getting to spend time with him they were perfect.

I was horribly nervous in the plane, but as soon as I was with him, the nervousness melted away. We sat outside the airport waiting for a bus, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes. In the bus he kissed me intensely and the whole bus ride I kept hoping he would do it again, because I didn't have courage to reach over and do so myself. His fingers brushing against my leg or shoulder or back sent waves of shivers down my spine. I can honestly say, I don't remember when I have last time felt such desire for any man. Simply him there in person, beside me made me intensely happy.

In the hotel I asked if we could stay there for a while and as he sat beside me and the kissing began, I was in heaven. Ten years ago the sex was amazing, but back then we were young and frantic and didn't know how to take time to enjoy everything. Back then we had only 10 days to give it all we got and we did. I think neither of us anticipated how deeply we fell for each other or what a lasting mark we left upon each other's hearts. Being in his arms again was like being home at last. It was familiar and yet new and exciting. I think what makes it so special with him is simply because he is my great love. He is the one that got away. I feel complete when I am with him.

My love for him is so intense that it scares me. I am constantly afraid that something will happen and I will lose him before I get to really be with him. Spending time with him banished my fears of maybe not really loving him but only thinking I do or him maybe being disappointed in me because I am now 2 sizes larger than 10 years ago. Stupid fears. I can't quite believe life has offered me a fairytale like this after so many years of struggle. I feel so lucky and I keep fearing something as perfect as this won't last. But no amount of fear will make me keep away. I love him so much. I have really loved him all these years. Somewhere in a little corner of my heart, he has been.

He is so kind, gentle, fun to be with, intense and loving. He treats me so well and seems just as much in love with me as I am in love with him. I want to be with him all the time. My life seems so much better and easier when I am with him, like I can get through any problem if I am by his side. I have never really thought of myself as the marrying kind. Marriage as an intitution is not very important to me. But him I do want to marry. I want to live with him, wake up next to him every morning, make him coffee, have a baby with him, have a real family. I want to grow old with him. I want the good and bad times with him. I just want to be with him.

I am stressing a little about the future and how I am going to make all of this happen. Everything changed in y life so fast and I have not quite caught up yet. Things keep on happening left and right, good things and sad things and I feel like there is not one moment to stop and think about everything. To really digest all these changes and get used to them.

I know it is a good thing me and E are forced to have this one year of not really being a couple, at least officially. Until his divorce is finalized, we will be unofficial. It is a good thing, because I have time to get my head back into the game. I have time to deal with my feelings about my ruined relationship with J. I have time to speak with the children and have them get used to the idea that mom has a new man she loves. We all have time to adjust as a family to all the changes the breakup brings. I have time to figure out how I will support myself in Switzerland and to learn the languages I need to secure a job. This one year is really what I think will eventually enable us to make this work. We are forced to be patient and take things slow.

At the same time, I want to overhaul my whole life even more right this minute and run back to his arms, to just take the plunge and see how life in Switzerland would turn out for me. I want his baby now. I want him now. I want no more days of not being able to be with him. It is a constant tug of war between my heart and rationality.

One month until I see him again in Cuba. We will have two weeks together in the paradise. The thought of this is what keeps me going. And the FaceTime calls every night. I did not know it was possible to love someone this much, this intensely, this fully. I miss him, his kisses, his touch, burying my face into his neck, running my fingers through his hair, his smell, the smoothness of his skin, his breath on my cheek. Every little thing I miss. 10 years ago I left piece of my heart in Cuba. Last week I left a chunk in Switzerland. He is my only one.

sad & happy.

menthae — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 10:50:21 GMT

I am feeling strange. My life seems kind of hollow and unreal.

The relationship with alcoholic boyfriend is over. I ended it and he finally accepted that there is no more chances. Part of me is panicking over this. How will I survive? Am I making the right decision? Do I owe him one more try? He is the father of my children after all. Am I too involved, too tired and stressed to make a decision this big? Most of all I worry immensely what will happen now. I have no idea how we are going to survive financially, me and the kids. My stress levels make me snappy and short-tempered with the kids already now, what will happen when I am alone.

I am beginning to realize exactly how much I have relied on my boyfriend for many things. I have been able to take time for myself and go to school, while he has been working. I kind of feel like I am throwing him aside now that I no longer need him. It is not true of course. In a way I still need him. I will always need him to be a dad for our children regarless if we share an address or not. And I am not all of a sudden saying this relationship is over. I have been begging him to get help to save our relationship for months, years even. For the last year I have been asking him to move out and that we'll discuss the future of our relationship once he is better. I don't know why I made the decision to end this now.

Part of it was his absolutely appalling behaviour one week ago. I was mortified.I think maybe that moment when I had to lock him out of the house and he was pounding on the door while the children were with me inside scared, was the moment I realized how bad things were. Part of the decision, mainly something that gave me resolve to stick with it, was finding my holiday romance man, E. It was not so much the instant connection we both felt, but rather the memories that flooded right back of how good I used to feel with him. I realize a holiday is quite a different thing than sharing every day life with someone. Yet, these beautiful memories from 10 years ago woke other memories and I remembered once again that it is possible to be in a relationship and live with someone without having to carry all these worries on my shoulders from day to day. It is possible to have someone there, who wants to be my everything, who wants to support me, stay by my side. I have no doubt that somewhere deep inside of ex-boyfriend, he wants those things too, but he is completely unable to give me anything. I know that sounds selfish, but it isn't really. I believe there is no real relationship, if only one person always does the giving part. Relationship means that it is mutual, that both people want to make it work and are willing to do whatever it takes. Ex-boyfriend couldn't even love himself or give himself what he needs. There is no way he can be in a relationship before he gets better.

I hate myself for abandoning him, when he is still so sad, so fragile and in such a dark place. But I have given him my all and it is just not enough. I am sad for so many things we once shared and now will never share again. I am sad for all the dreams I had for us, for our future as a family, which now will never be. I am acting strong for my children, but really I am sad.

Holiday romance man and I are speedily realizing how much we still care for each other. It almost feels like all those feelings from 10 years ago were simply hibernating somewhere and have now woken up all anew. I talk to him every day and when I can see his face, his incredibly long eye lashes, his smile that is just for me, I forget for a moment how messed up my life is. I am afraid to dive head first into a new relationship. I don't want him to be the band-aid guy. I want him to be the forever guy.

In a way I have been dealing with my feelings of abandonment and disappointment regarding ex-boyfriend for months. I have walked the line between trying to understand and help and understanding what is too much. I have been building up my self esteem, been focusing on my own needs & those of our children. I have been letting go for a long time. I think maybe that is why this is not as big of a deal for me as it is for my ex-boyfriend. He is absolutely devastated. That makes me feel guilty too. I am not saying this is a piece of cake for me. Breakups never are. I just have more to look forward to, I guess. In a way this is an end of a horribly difficult era for me. It is end to those nights of watching ex-boyfriend stumble around drunk, finding him passed out on the living room floor with plate of food spilled all over the floor. It is an end of listening him go on and on about me being a whore and a lesbian because I do not wish to have sex with him ever. Like I would want to have sex with someone who is off his head drunk & calling me names. It is end for all those disappointments of him promising to do something and then getting drunk instead. So that part, all those bad things left behind is not difficult. They are a relief.

I am still afraid that the reality of 8-year relationship ending will hit me sooner or later and I will have to deal with it then. I am not sure how much E will understand. He has a very strict view on alcoholism and thinks this situation was beyond saving anyway. He doesn't really understand why I feel sad about the breakup. That my sad feelings don't mean that I regret breaking up, but rather are just part of letting go of something I once thought would be forever. There was a time when me and ex-boyfriend were good together. if it wasn't for the alcohol, we would probably be married and have one more child. Love doesn't end just like that. Not even when a new love is brewing.

There is a possibility that me and E will never really work out. At the moment it is long-distance and he is and will be married for one more year at least until he gets his nationality papers. No matter how much I care for him, I cant be 100% in before he is divorced for real. I don't care if he is in agreement with his wife that their marriage is just a sham for the last two years. He is still married and not mine. He says he doesnt want to move to a different country for another time, which I understand. It is a problem though, because I don't want to take my children away from their dad. I have no objection to moving to a different country myself, but I still think it unfair to move with the children, provided that their dad even agreed to the move. So maybe even after he is divorced there is no future together for us.

The good thing is that there is time. We don't have to make hasty choices. We will meet again for real in one month's time. Then we will have 2 weeks together in the summer. He loves children and has no objection to me having two. I love how independent, caring and open he is. We both have our insecurities, but we seem to be drawn together like magnets. My feelings grow every day and yesterday I found myself experiencing a stab of jealousy towards his wife, when he stopped a Facetime call to chat with her instead of me. It is not going to be easy for us to make it work. I am committed to doing whatever it takes, but I am not sure if he is. It seems like it is meant to be, but only time will tell if it actually is.

I want him so much to be the one for me. Our story is so beautiful and it seems like fate has dictated we met 10 years ago and that we would meet again 10 years later when both of us are just coming out from failed relationships. My heart says he is the one.

Overwhelmed.

menthae — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 17:02:21 GMT

I try to remember to turn to this journal when I feel overwhelmed. I have felt overwhelmed almost all day today.

1. I had a meeting with the daycare about my daughter moving to a pre-school in the autumn. She has had some problems, especially sensory sensitivity issues lately. There were 8 people in this meeting, including a psychologist & a teacher for special needs children. It was okay. But I was really worried. My experiences with the daycare have been a little negative and I've been stressing about this meeting so long. The note on my corkboard has been teasing me for months.

2. By the time I got out of the meeting, the psychiatric hospital in charge of boyfriend's care had called me twice. I called them back, right there on the daycare parking lot. They wanted to know how things were going, because apparently boyfriend had called them completely off his head drunk and babbled something they had hard time understanding. They wanted to check with me to make sure everything is ok. The man on the other end was kind of shocked how badly everything is. He asked me to bring boyfriend to the hospital, but I am not sure if he will agree to go.

3. I have tried to leave him three times already. The first two times he didn't remember anything of our conversations. I never try to talk reason to him when he is completely drunk, but how do you have that discussion with someone who is drunk all the time? There comes a point when you just don't want to wait anymore. Things are so out of control that I have no longer no desire to try to fix them. It is way beyond my skills to do anything about this now, anything other than take the kids and leave. It scares me, overwhelms me and makes me really sad. I am sad that he feels so bad, that this is the only way he knows how to cope, that we will all lose so much that could have been. There is no ifs and buts about my decision. This situation is so bad. Even if I still wanted to do my all to fix our relationship, which I don't, there is no way I can keep on living in this situation with him and the children in the same house. It is traumatic for me and no doubt many times more so to the children. I need to think of myself & the children. I feel like I am drowning in this.

4. Me and the holiday romance guy I recently found again, have been talking every single day both on Facebook and on Facetime. I am utterly surprised by all these feelings coming so strongly back to me. What we had 10 years ago was so brief and so unreal in so many ways and yet it has made a huge impact on both of us. It overwhelms me too, all these emotions swirling inside of me. My heart pounds so hard everytime I see him or receive a message from him. I want to give him space, but at the same time I want to be with him 24 hours a day. Within moments of finding each other we were talking about meeting each other again. It's like the connection is so strong it becomes impossible to resist. We are drawn to each other. 10 year has passed, we both have had our share of relationships and are in difficult places in our lives, and yet now that we found each other again, what we once had and what could be now overrides everything. I want to make this work so badly, but it will ot be easy. We both need time to work our personal lives out & even after that it'll be long-distance for quite some time. It is so hard to deal with these feelings at the same time as all this other stuff is going on in my life.

I am thankful that I found him, but I am also terrified of all these millions of things that could go wrong. Overwhelmed is the word of the day. How does one person take and process all this? I do not know.

the unexpected things in life.

menthae — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 21:35:13 GMT

Months have passed since I have written. I don't know why I keep on not writing. It has always helped me to focus my thoughts and yet I just let things build up in my head. I promised my new therapist that I would write, so here I am once again.

Week ago my view of life was very bleak. I was completely consumed by the hopelessness of my life situation. My boyfriend had just couple of weeks earlier tried to take his own life by cutting his wrists. I can now see that I spent those first weeks in shock. I kept wondering how I was supposed to feel in this situation or actually why I werent feeling anything. It seemed like life kept on going by in full speed and I was just standing still, letting everything whizz by. Everything seemed kind of blurry and unimportant. Then I had my first meeting with my therapist.

She said that it was very traumatic watching your loved one trying to kill himself, in that kind of pain, wrestling the knife away from him or talking for hours to make him just come to sleep, so that I could sleep too, instead of worrying what he might do to himself. I guess it is weird for an outsider, but I really had not thought that I had been through something traumatic. I was so focused on getting him help, getting him care, that I just didn't even think how I had felt in the situation.

I remember being angry. It was the first and strongest reaction. I was angry at him for being so selfish, for not caring how his actions affect his children, his family and me. I was angry that he had once again thrown my help back at me, not caring at all that I keep on trying to help. I was really snappy at him and even refused to call for help, making him do it himself. Then I snapped out of it slightly and helped him get a towel to wrap around the wrist and made him held it up high while we waited for the ambulance. And after they took him to the hospital and I had to begin to explain the situation to my mother (his boss), his family, the social workers, the anger came back.

After my first therapist appointment I cried all the way back home. I just couldn't help it. I think I must have been holding the sadness and pain in so long that when one person actually noticed me and my pain, instead of focusing on him, it brought it all up. Since then I have began to cry about the silliest little things. I am very emotional all the time. I think it is all about releasing the emotions. They keep pouring out at most unfortunate moments.

I had my second appointment a week ago and I went there thinking I could keep my cool and not cry this time. I was wrong. I still cried all through the appointment. I think I cry a lot about the unfairness of it all. I find it so unfair for boyfriend that he isn't getting the kind of help he needs. It is also unfair for the kids and me. I can't really blame him for not knowing what to do. I don't know either and at least I am not in a deep depression as he is.

I have been so tired for so long. I was feeling like a complete failure. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy, energetic and with a man who I adore above everything else. I was supposed to have time and patience for my children and we were supposed to do things together as a family. I have really hard time letting go of the idea of still once again having a happy family.

Then something unexpected happened. I found an old friend online. He is someone I met on a holiday 10 years ago and fell head over heels into a holiday romance with. We barely shared enough words on each others language to be able to communicate two words, but on the physical level we shared plenty of communication. I knew already then that he was special & I vowed that I would come back and keep in touch, which I as a silly twenty year old with problematic life never did. I guess I thought at first that he was just a holiday romance. I missed him terribly, but he was so far far away and it felt like an impossible distance. By that age I had already had one long-distance relationship with a man who lived in Great Britain and it didn't end very well. It was so hard to be away from him and when we were together we fought about everything, mainly about for it being so hard while we were apart. I didn't want to go there again. The language barrier was also something that kept me away. It felt like so much work to communicate through emails, to write them for hours with a dictionnary. It was just too much for me at that time in my life.

And yet I kept on regretting my choice. Every once in a while I thought about him, my heart did backflips and I wondered what he was doing, who he was with, had he found the love of his life or was he as lonely and confused as I was. Then I pushed his existence back into my head and told myself that the memories were beautiful but they were just memories.

Four days ago I found him on Facebook and immediately sent him a friend request. I didn't even stop to think about it like I usually do. That day had been particularly difficult with boyfriend. He had taken too many of his pills with alcohol and was completely out of his head drunk and incoherent. Needless to say I was feeling like crap and wished him to the deepest corners of hell. Finding an old friend was just what I needed to cheer myself up. I tried to get some sleep, but my adrenaline was running high from all the action that day and I found it hard to calm down. Then he accepted my friendship request and immediately began chatting to me.

I was so overwhelmed by emotion and panic that I began to cry. I wrote him that I couldn't believe that it was really him. He has moved to Europe from Latin America. He called it a miracle that we meet again and it truly feels like such an unlikely thing to happen that I would consider it a miracle as well. I told him that I have missed him and he told me he has missed me as well. There were a lot of things I tried to say that he didn't understand. He still really doesn't speak english much. Then I remembered I still have a note he wrote to me before I returned back home from my holiday and I took a photo of it for him. He took a photo of my address and sent it to me and we were both amazed how after 10 years we both still have eachother's notes, the original ones. I have carried my note in my purse for years and now it is in a pocket of my Filofax.

He then called me and we awkwardly tried to talk, failed to understand each other most of the time but were still unable to close the phone. Since then we have talked every day, mainly chatting in Facebook but also couple of times using skype. It is difficult because our schedules are very different. He works late at night and thus also sleeps late in the mornings. I wake up early and go to bed early. I've actually stayed awake two nights just talking with him.

I never thought I would have so much to talk with someone who i do not share language with. I use an online translator, my dictionnary and those few spanish courses I had in high school and together they seem to be working well. Part of my eagerness to communicate with him more is the chance to practise spanish. It's been so long since I got to practise my language skills and every conversation is a learning experience. Also I never really got to know him 10 years ago. It was more just young infatuation and lots of lust. Now I actually enjoy learning about his culture and what it has been like to move to such a different country.

I feel like this is the ray of sunshine I have been wishing for in my life. Everything has been pitch black for so long. Everything has gone wrong, been awful, painful and crap. I have been trying to tell myself that life cant be this awful forever and life has kept on proving me wrong. The little good times have been followed by bad times so gigantically bad that the good times feel like nothing. Having this one person to talk with and knowing that he has thought about me for 10 years, that the connection was not only in my head, that fills my heart with joy.

Since I found him, I've cleaned most of the house, washed loads of laundry, began running & now I am writing diary again. Its like I am injected with energy everytime I chat with him. I feel like I am worth something. I really feel like he supports me and although it is early days of our reconnaissance I kind of feel like I did back in 2003.

Life is surely unexpected. He is kind of single, kind of married, I am in a disastrous relationship with a suicidal man, who says he will kill himself if I ever leave him. I have two children, he has none, but wants them. We still live in different countries although on the same continent now. We still don't really share a language and communication is a lot of work. I don't know what might happen in the future, but he is surely giving me something to think about.

Like I said earlier, my life wasn't supposed to be like this. I have a chance to do something I regretted not doing before. Now I just have to weigh the situation and decide if I'd rather keep on hoping my crappy life will get better and that I one day will have that happy family with the father of my children, I yearn so much, or will I give a chance to this man from 10 years ago. It could be that we end up hating each other if we spent more than 3 weeks in a same place.

I think I have to meet him again. I kind of even feel like I owe him that, for disappearing all those years ago. I dont know. Life is surely unexpected. That is all I can say now.

My normal.

menthae — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 09:53:20 GMT

Time seems to disappear somewhere these days. I'm couple of weeks away from my final exams and graduating and school seems to suck up all my time. School and family life.

My boyfriend is back to drinking. He stayed sober for almost three weeks after I kicked him out for a couple of days. I allowed him back because he seemed so sincere (what was I thinking?). Yeah... Like it would last. He always says the right things and I want to believe them so bad and we are back in the same situation.

He has stayed sober during the week, because he has to take the kids to daycare and pick me up from the railway station when I get back from school. But when thursday comes along and he knows I'll be home on friday, then the drinking begins.

Yesterday his sister called me and asked if everything was okay. I was reading a story for the kids in their bedroom and told her I didn't know what was going on. She said that boyfriend had called her and told he was seeing a man in our living room, a man who was not there really.

I enlightened her that this has been going on for a while now. I don't know if it's an attention seeking thing or if it's his meds interacting with the alcohol or if it's really him "going crazy" and seeing things.

It got me thinking however that perhaps I should react to it. When you are living with an addict, these strange things become so normal that you no longer pay attention to them in the way the outsiders do. You don't realize that they are signs of things getting worse. You just try not to pay too much attention to all the crap and go on with your normal life as normally as possible.

I try to keep up the facade of normalcy for the children and keep their attention away from their dad who can barely stand up straight and is unable to take one step without stumbling. That is just wrong.

I've been hoping that I could get through this 9 months of school and deal with this toxic relationship afterwards. It's less than a month left now and I'm just trying to close my eyes from the reality for the last few weeks and it's so not working.

I'm getting a bit scared of how much the boyfriend is really able to control himself if he is seeing people. How do I know that he won't decide one evening that me and the kids are the bad guys and go after us? He hasn't been violent or even angry at these hallucinations, but if you see things that are not there, how stable can you be?

Almost one year ago I swore that I would never spend another Christmas-time like that one, with an alcoholic making everything difficult and sucking the joy out of the happy celebration. A year before that I was cooking Christmas dinner in our kitchen, a sheen of sweat on my forehead, my boyfriend and father sitting at the kitchen table sipping wine. I totally blew up then, screaming that they could do something, like set the table. We had agreed to cook together, to try to cook as much on our own as possible for the very first time, and he helped with one dish and I was left doing everything else on my own while he got increasingly tipsy and drunk.

This is the thrid Christmas after that and the signs are not promising. We have agreed to go to visit my parents this year. If he'll be out of his mind drunk, my mother will probably kick him out. Or I will. It's not that the Christmas is so meaningful to me, but rather that he has once again had one year to work on his addiction and having made improvement earlier has come back full circle into drinking and mixing his medication with alcohol. He has arrhytmia and doctors suspect diabetes too. He should be seeing the warning signs and straighten his act, but so far I've seen no indication he'll be doing so.

So another ultimatum will happen and I will kick him out once again and this time if he wants back, he must prove to me that he is getting better. He must get his own apartment and live there until he has been sober for a while and is behaving responsibly. I'm tired of living this abnormal life. I don't want to spend my weekends watching someone stumble and fall through our house, breaking things (toilet seat, plates, dishwasher, computer keyboard), having insanely large bruises all over his body for falling so hard against the furniture, asking me where he has hidden his meds while drunk, creating messes for me to clean up in the morning, because I can't have kids walking through spilled beer and french fried ketchup mess until he wakes up in the afternoon.

These things are normal to me. They happen every thursday, friday and saturday. Sometimes even sundays too. And I'm so used to them that I need someone else pointing out how messed up all that is. How pathetic that is? I feel like a super crap mother for putting my kids through this. I must end this. They don't deserve to see any of that. Granted it happens usually after they've fallen asleep, but they see the mess and they do wake up at night and sometimes see their dad passed out on the kitchen floor. That is not okay and I'm the only adult who seem to be able to do something to this. So I must. I have to figure out a plan. Now. Today.

another dark secret of mine uncovered

menthae — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 20:29:06 GMT

I began to wonder about my amnesia spells already before summer. I came to realize that there are these gaps in my memory, times of my life I have hard time remembering. I know where I have been or what I've been doing in general, but there is no recollection of the events or of the people or any details. Sometimes there are these flashes of images, like photographs of tiny moments, but not enough to really understand what is happening or who is there with me. These memory gaps have began already in my childhood and they seem to happen at times that have been particularly stressful, times when it's been hard for me to cope.

I visited my college roommate last summer, stayed over for three nights while working at a music festival close to where she was living. It was the first time we met in 7 years and it was wonderful catching up with her. Our time as roommates came to an end because she was having extremely difficult time in her life and I was failing miserably at school and struggling with my choice of studies. We were both drinking and partying too much. Somehow in my sorry state of mind I realized that we were feeding each other's misery and would be better off without each other and so I moved away to live closer to my family. I have a lot of holes in my memory from those last couple of months we lived together.

One morning as we were chatting she mentioned something of our time as roommates and I had to admit that I really didn't remember the situation. I began to tell her that I seemed to have these memory issues and she told me she has them too. She had just finished 7 years of intense therapy to cope with her eating disorder, substance abuse and other mental health issues and these memory issues were something that had come up during her therapy sessions. She told me they sounded like dissociation.

I had already read about this before and figured that my memory gaps really did sound like dissociative disorder, but because I couldn't come up with an explanation on how I might have got such a thing, having experienced rather idyllic childhood, I dismissed it as something that just couldn't be. After talking to my friend, I began my research again. I bought a book on the subject and after first three chapters, I was already feeling scared because so many things seemed so familiar. I began to think that something must have happened to me as a child even though I did not remember. After all I didn't remember many of the other times in my life either. What were the chances I would remember that one thing that started this all?

Dissociative disorder is kind of like PTSD. It's a way for the child's undeveloped brain to cope with overwhelming situations, such as sexual or physical abuse or seeing something horrible happen to someone else. It usually begins in childhood as a way for the child to protect himself by kind of extracting the bad stuff and boxing it away. It means that in a way your personality is divided into these parts that have different purposes. One takes the abuse and the other goes on living as if it never happened. Some people even have different names and ages for these personality parts and they are like different people living in the same body. For others the personality changes are really small, practically undetectable, if you don't know what is happening. Many people with dissociative disorder don't even know it.

I began to shift through my memories from childhood, thinking there must be something that happened, something I missed before. I know for example, that I am still very much afraid of fire. It is almost a phobia for me. I'm freaked out about houses burning down and wildfires, the uncontrollable fire that could kill. Not a candle burning in a lantern. Although I am kind of obsessive about fire safety. So I thought maybe I had witnessed something scary concerning a fire. My mother explained to me that a girl in my kindergarten used to scare me to do what she wanted by telling me a witch will come and burn our house down if I don't do as she wishes. This supposedly is the explanation to my fear. I'm not so sure yet if that's all there is to it. A psychiatrist once told me it is extremely rare that a person is so afraid of something, if there is no scary situation behind it. So I remain skeptical that it is simply another girl, who scared me so much.

Another thing that stuck out was a car accident involving a little boy on a bike and a car that drove ahead of us. I don't remember seeing him being hit by the car, but I do remember my mother telling me to not look. Having holes in my memory, I can't be sure if I saw something horrible or not, but the situation certainly scared me. I dismissed this as the potential cause to my dissociative disorder (should there be one), because the gaps in my memory begin earlier than this.

I moved further back in time and the more I thought about my childhood the more sure I was that whatever had happened, did not happen at my home. I have always felt safe at my home and even today I regard it as somewhat a safe haven. I can't imagine there would be such a horrible memory hiding somewhere in my mind connected to my home. This led me to thinking where else something could have happened.

As my memories weren't getting me anywhere, I decided to go with my gut instinct and the first thing that popped into my mind, was this place where I used to stay in daycare while my parents were working. For years I had wondered, why I always felt cold and even nausea when we drove past the house. It's at the end of this long straight driveway and everytime I saw it, I somehow felt like the driveway led into a bad place. My mother has on occasion bumbed into the daughter of this family in grocery store and she has sent me her greetings and when my mother has told this too me, I've felt like I wish I could just push the greetings away, throw them back at her somehow. I feel like a little child and I want to shake her and tell her how I don't want her to send me her greetings, I want nothing to do with her. And I remember next to nothing of my time in the family. I don't remember how the house looked like inside or really anything.

This all seemed kind of suspicious to me. So I made a point to talk about it with my mother the next time she came to visit us. She told me that I was indeed in daycare in this family for a couple of months when I was 3-4 years old. After those couple of months she persuaded the local kindergarten to take me, even though they didn't have a place, because I began to wet my bed at night and my pants during the day, having been out of diapers already over a year. It struck her as weird that my development would take such a huge step backwards and she was sure the problem wasn't me but the place because it only began after I went there. She told me that she had this feeling like something was not right and she took me out of the place even before I had a place at the kindergarten and it meant that I had to stay couple of months with my grandparents. She also told me that the girl in this family didn't like me, because her mother spoke finnish to me and they spoke swedish in their family. She apparently really made a point of disliking me and showing it.

After this chat with my mother, I knew I was on the right track and something had indeed happened. Already as she talked to me I had this flash of a dark room with bunkbeds and someone telling me that I should not tell anyone what was about to happen. I realized that I've had this memory before, but I've always just discarded it as something from a dream. Now I just knew it was from that house. Like all that energy spent on trying to remember more had paid off and given me this flash. I read from an online discussion a comment from someone who had suffered from a childhood sexual abuse, who said that when these memories begin to come back to you (if they ever do), you'll know that they are indeed memories and not just figments of your imagination. You'll know they did happen. Somehow this flash, I had always subconciously tried to forget, was back in full force and I knew it was real.

Couple of nights after this, I suddenly woke up at night and remembered more. I was in that dark room, on top bed under the duvet and this girl from the family, who was couple of years older than me, was touching me, quite inappropriately, and smiling this weird smile and telling me this was our secret and that I shouldn't tell anyone that I had been such a bad bad girl. As I remembered, I felt the shame, fear and how I wanted to get away, but somehow couldn't move. I can't say for certain that there was no one else in the room. I can't even say for certain that it was her who was touching me, but she was the one who spoke and smiled that kind of forced smile that seemed to say "Finally you get what you deserve". She is the one whose face I remember, but there could've been someone else there as well. What makes me wonder is that she was only 5-6 at the time and kind of slim and delicately built child. I have always been this chubby little thing, so I could've easily physically made her stop. So either there was someone else there holding me down, touching me or she somehow had mentally a hold of me.

Weirdly, it is really kind of a relief to know that something did happen. It explains a huge deal of things in my life. It's of course horrible what happened and I think what I remember is just one instance. There's probably more that happened, more to remember. I remember I was scared of the two older boys in the family. They were at school, so they weren't there all day, but I do remember kind of dreading the moment they would come home. I think they might have something to do with this thing.

I'm in the process of finding myself a therapist to talk to. Now that I do remember, I think I definitely need professional help to deal with it. Usually I can just push it away for the day, but it seems to catch up with me at the most unfortunate moments. Weird things remind me of the flashback and these feelings bubble into surface and I don't know how to deal with them. I am suddenly taken over by this raw, uncontrollable anger or tears sprung into my eyes and I don't even know why I am crying. This never happened before. The memory has brought these emotions up. I suspect they have been there inside me, but I've not known to deal with them, because I have not remembered.

One thing that troubles me is that if she was part of this memory, the 5 year old girl, not too different from me, she has most definitely been abused as well. No 5 year old does what she did to me, without having seen it happen or have it happen to herself. I don't hate her. I don't like her either and never have, but the anger I have inside of me is not directed at her, which makes me wonder if she really was the one touching me. I feel she might've been the one who "lured" me into the room. What a horrible thought that she must have been abused as well and perhaps her abuser took me as a second victim and she wasn't jealous of her mother talking in finnish to me but her abuser ditching her and moving on. Fucked up thing altogether.

I think I'm still in a shock about this. It's been now 2 weeks since I remembered and I kind of think about it every day and every waking moment and kind of try to not think about it. It happened so long ago and I remember so little. It's almost like it happened to someone else. It's so strange to me that this hasn't surfaced before. My daughter is the same age now that I have been when it happened, so I am wondering if maybe that is what brought it up now. Or if it was just me poking my memory and unexpectedly finding something relevant.

I haven't told my parents. I did tell my mother that I didn't like the girl or the brothers in this family and she said that she has never liked them either. She told me that I have also been there later for a while when I was already in school for a couple of hours after school until she came home from work and picked me up. I have no memory of this either. None.

I did tell my boyfriend. I've discussed these memory issues with him as well and I needed to tell someone. I didn't and probably never can tell my parents. They will feel so guilty and I don't want to put it on them as it was not their fault. It warmed my heart that they had both noticed that something was wrong and made the right decisions as parents and taken me away from there even if it meant I had to be away from them for a while. Had they not been so observant, I might have suffered the abuse much longer.

The fact that my own daughter is now the same age as I was when it all happened, makes me really see how wrong it was, how vulnerable I have been and how I was not at all responsible of what happened. The shame I feel is so wrong and yet it is there inside of me. I think, though I cannot be absolutely sure, that it was another child who did this to me. This somehow makes it even worse, because I cant really be angry at another abused child, who is simply copying what has happened to him/her and not realizing how wrong it is. It doesn't make it right or any less horrible for me that they didn't know any better. It makes me sad. As an adult now I can see the viscious circle of abuse happening and I wonder who the evil adult is, who is the one that started this all. Has it gone on for generations? Has it happened to every child in the family? Am I just one outsider caught in this horrible family secret?

It is weird how much I want to remember. Part of me is afraid to remember, but I feel like I have to know what happened. It scares me that I might never remember who it was (if it wasn't just her, like I think) and what and how often it happened. Its weird that I feel like I need to know. Like the knowledge would somehow make it better.

why I disappeared.

menthae — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 13:27:57 GMT

So. An impromptu hiatus happened. A hard drive died & got fixed. Summer was busy with work and life. Life meaning difficult family situation continued and took all my focus and strength. Then school began again and I've been feeling tired, depressed and under the weather. I felt like I was drowning under all the things that needed to be dealt with. I honestly hardly opened my computer for the first month it was back from the repair. I just didn't have the energy or interest. I fell asleep at 9pm every night, woke up at 6am to get ready for school and although I love my school, it also began to feel like a giant black hole sucking the last remaining bits of energy out of me. Not good.

Having been depressed before and knowing all of this bad energy comes from the huge amount of stress I've been under lately, I decided to do something about it before it gets completely out of hand. I started to exercise, make a point to drink enough water daily and to eat breakfast. I also went to bed as soon as the kids were asleep and have been sleeping minimum 8 hours of sleep a night. And it seems to have done the trick. This week I've even had the energy to tackle the scary amount of clutter that has multiplied everywhere in the house while I've been feeling blue.

Today I cleaned my desk. It was so cluttered, I could hardly move my mouse. I literally removed so much paper crap from my table that I filled one big paper bag with it. No wonder I didn't feel like using the computer.

I'll be slowly getting back to whatever I was doing before my summer meltdown. I need to install a lot of stuff (like Photoshop) that I never got around installing when I first got my computer back. And I need to make sure I won't take on too much.

I'm sorry for all the people affected by my sudden disappearance. It wasn't planned although in hindsight I suppose I should've seen it coming.

proof of love?

menthae — Sun, 20 May 2012 17:59:15 GMT

I'm reading a book about teenagers spending summer together and it got me thinking about my teenage years and I came to realize that I have actually never dated a boy. I've been on dates, which have never led to anything other than friendship, which is actually a very good outcome. Much more permanent than relationships have turned out to be.

I have been friends first and girlfriend next. I have gone from a one night type of thing to a girlfriend or from a friends with benefits to a girlfriend. I have met a guy online and when we finally met the relationship had already moved past the dating phase. I have also had two holiday romances, which were by default quick, heated and over once the holiday ended. But I have never really met someone and taken time to go on dates to get to know them.

I have realized lately with all the relationship trouble in my life, that I miss most of all hanging out comfortably with my significant other. I miss the ordinary things couples do together, like watching the tv after the kids have gone to bed or cooking a meal without having to nag and bicker one another to help. I miss the phase when there are no problems but rather the desire to spend every waking moment together.

I know I am party to blame that we so seldomly have that these days. I'm bitter and hang on to the resentment I feel. I have hard time letting go of the not so nice things spoken when boyfriend is drunk. I don't feel like going the extra mile or being the "smart" one, even if that would help. I don't have the extra energy to put into working on our relationship especially as it feels like I'm the only one trying to make things work. I'm tired of being the only one having to prove my love. Probably he feels the same way, but right now I don't care. In my eyes, he is the one who needs to make the next move. His drinking and depression has got us here. I've tried to be supportive, but my understanding ends when he opens the bottle. Really. I'm so fed up and angry with it.

I hate alcohol. I don't enjoy drinking it anymore. I hate it. I hate people who are drunk or hungover. I hate seeing people drinking at pubs. I keep thinking at their girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses and children and thinking they all have a problem and are out there destroying the lives of people who love them. It's completely black and white for me. Last time I had a drink was a month ago at my mothers 60th birthday. I drank a glass of champagne and immediately regretted because it felt like I had drunk poison. The hate I feel towards alcohol turned onto myself having drunk the bubbly. I felt extremely annoyed that my mother was drunk at her birthday. I kept expecting her to turn into the mean drunk the alcoholics always turn into at some point of the evening. She didn't. I'm just seeing the worst in alcohol and expecting the worst all the time.

The latest suicidal episode was roughly a week ago and while I held it together suprisingly well at night when it happened, I broke into uncontrollable tears the next day completely out of the blue. I really don't know what more to do anymore. I have called his sister, but she has a bit of a problem with alcohol as well and Im not too sure she can help even if she wanted to. I have told his mom, but she seems to not want to see how bad things are. I've taken him to psychiatric hospital where they held him for 2 days. Really. They let him out on the third day because they thought he was not a threat to himself. Only it may just take another drinking session to get him into the same frame of mind. The thoughts are there and the alcohol amplifies them and I'm the one who needs to talk him out of the situation. I'm the last defense. If I crumble, there is no one. I'm the one who has to call the ambulance or the cops if he threatens to hurt himself and leaves the house and doesn't answer his phone. I'm the one who has to hide the pills, knives and scissors. I'm the one who has to stay up all the night to make sure he doesn't hurt himself and then wake up at 7am to prepare breakfast for the kids. I'm the one who has to persuade him that there are people who love him and try to make him promise he wont do anything stupid. I'm the one who has to walk into the garage or bathroom in the morning after I've woken up without him sleeping by my side, fearing he has done it.

I don't want to be that person. I can't imagine anyone would like to be that person. You are that person for people you love. He needs me to be that person, so I am. But it has changed our relationship. We are no longer simply lovers, equals, parents, girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the suicidal one and the negotiator. We are the one who gives up responsibility and the one who takes all of it, even to the extend that it no longer belongs to her. I feel we will never be lovers, equal, girlfriend and boyfriend unless he gets better and I can once more rely on him like he relies on me. Right now I feel very alone. I have a boyfriend but most of the time I don't get comfort, cuddles, encouragement, trust, chats about our day, mutual interests, anything. I get anger, bitterness, bashing of other people, depression, drunken talk and guilt-tripping. Which in turn makes me not very nice person either. And yet I'm the one there talking him out of it, when he ponders killing himself. Isn't that enough to prove my love for him? I wonder.

tired with orange nails

menthae — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 15:24:56 GMT

My last week at the school has finally arrived. I'm still completely swamped with my order of 22 work vests and most likely won't get it done before Easter. I've been stressing about it the last couple of weeks, working on them like a crazy person. I kept thinking that I would be able to get them done and graduate before my beauty school begins but as it so often happens in my life, the children have been sick and son has taken the "terrible twos" a little too literally and keeps destroying the house whenever he is not at day care or sleeping.

I have Fridays free at the beauty school, so I will just have to go back to work on the vests on Fridays until they are all done. It's a bit of a bummer, but there's only so much I can get done within a day.

Son's crazy out of control toddler behaviour is making me so frustrated and tired that by the time I finally get him to settle to his bed and fall asleep, I'm so knackered myself that working on school stuff is the last thing on my mind. I literally fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I feel like I have no energy left at all. I've been wrung dry. I was hoping there was a last minute squeeze in me, so that I would've been able to pull all-nighters and finish those stupid vests, but that's just not going to happen.

I'm so tired that I can't even get properly excited about my new school starting in a week. I look forward to it, but there's just so much that needs to get done before the big day. So much stress and so many changes. And I know it'll be difficult for the rest of the family because my days are so much longer. I'm worried how they will all get along in the evenings. How boyfriend will handle all this additional work that falls on his shoulders. I feel a little bit guilty too. I know I'm making a dream come true and going for once in the right direction in my life, but it does put a strain on our family both financially and otherwise too. I just try to make most of my short evenings with the kids, take care of putting them to bed at evenings so that boyfriend can rest after hanging out solo with the kids for two hours.

Bright spot in my day was the arrival of my nail polish order. I know a lot of people love the Hunger Games books and have been excitedly waiting for the movie. I still need to read the books in question, but I've been waiting for the China Glaze nail polish collection inspired by the Huger Games. Since I saw the first promo picture in a nail blog, I've been looking forward to seeing the bright orange shimmer on my nails. Today is the day. China Glaze Riveting is my new favourite polish. I am now wearing it with black crackle and my nails remind me of lava that has already hardened a bit on the surface. Amazing. My nails can fuel my energy tomorrow at school.

this is it then?

menthae — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 22:33:52 GMT

I had a girls night out tonight with two friends, or night in would perhaps be more accurate. It was something we have planned for ages and tried to make it happen, but it has been nearly impossible due to scheduling issues. I have mentioned it to boyfriend about every day during the last two weeks so that he has absolutely no chance of forgetting it.

Last night he began to question if I should go because the weather has been so cold lately (-25 degrees Celcius today) and there was a chance the car wouldn't start when I was going to come back home, if it had been standing cold for several hours outside my friend's apartment. So I said I would take the cable to keep it warm. During the morning it became clear boyfriend really didn't want me to go. Constantly he questioned if I should drive there, because I haven't been driving too much lately. But I persevered and told him that I would not cancel. I would go because it was something that was important to me and to my friends and I had promised over and over again to go. And besides I hardly ever see my friends nowadays. To meet them I usually have to invite them over and then the kids are always there. It's a rare chance when I get to go somewhere alone without the kids, even if it is just eating pizza with my girls.

So I did go and I had wonderful time. It was so good to see the girls after all this time and catch up with them. I got to see my friend's new apartment although it is hardly new anymore. She bought it really cheaply and renovated it and it was lovely. I ate so much good food and chocolate that I thought I would explode.

And then I drove home with one of the friends and dropped her off at local supermarket where her friend picked her up. Then I drove home. I sat a while in the car preparing myself for whatever it was that I would find. The first thing I heard when I got home was daughter crying. She had a bad dream. As I crossed the living room to go to see her, I noticed my office chair lying sideways on the floor, three wheels missing. Apparently according to boyfriend, the kids had broken one wheel and he had tried to take the rest of them off. I don't buy it. Firstly the kids were supposed to be sleeping while I was gone and secondly they don't have the kind of strength needed to break a chair. He broke it himself. I don't know why or how, but I know it was him.

While I was hugging daughter and trying to make her bad dream go away, boyfriend appeared and had a glass in his hand. I grabbed it and tasted and it was vodka! The [insert all the curse words you know] idiot had been drinking while he was responsible of taking care of our children! Now there is no excuse in the world that would make this okay in any level.

Nothing had happened, the kids were asleep as they should have been, but that's not the point. What if something had happened and he was too drunk to notice or care. He broke my damn chair. That's how drunk he was. He was noticeably drunk. He looked drunk. He mumbled his words like a drunken person does and he had trouble standing straight. That is not just having a glass of wine while the kids sleep. That is getting purposefully drunk.

I honestly don't care if he decides to go and get drunk on his own and passes out outside our house. But if he betrays my trust like this. This I can't forgive. I'm so angry at him for doing this. Does it surprise me? Sadly, no. I would have liked to think he had more control than this, but this just shows me how little anything else matters besides booze. It gave me the clearest picture.

When I poured his vodka down the drain and told him off for being so irresponsible, he decided to pull out the suicide card. "I'm going to kill myself tonight then. There was no problem at all before you showed up! The kids were fine and now that you came they are crying! Now whose fault is that?" "You are such a bitch! I'm going to kill myself now, is that what you want?!"

No. It is not what I want. I want my children to have a dad, unlike you did, because your dad drowned when drunk. I want my kids to have a sober dad. The kind of dad who actually enjoys spending time with his kids and doesn't complain about having to do anything at all for them. I want to be able to have a nice evening with my friends and having my boyfriend support that, not diss my friends and call me stupid for wanting to see them. I want to be able to come home after being away and find my kids sleeping happily while my boyfriend is watching TV and waiting for me to come back home so that we can watch the tv together and cuddle. That's a little part of what I want.

So I told him that he can't live with us as long as he drinks and that he can start looking for an apartment first thing tomorrow. I'm not breaking up with him. I mean there really isn't much to break up any more. All seems to be kind of broken at the moment. I just want him to get clean and sober before I can even discuss a future with him. He will be part of our lives always. I just don't know if we can be a couple. I don't want to do any of this, but I also know that I have given him plenty of second chances and he just throws them back at my face. If he doesn't have the desire to get better, I can't do it for him. And that's the part where I break myself and the kids free before any more damage is done to us.

My 4 year old daughter asked me "If daddy can't be with us, where will he go?" and I told her that he would have to live in another house until he feels better. And then she said: "Yes. Daddy should go to the house with the doctors. They will make him better."

I wish as a mom that I could have saved her from all this. I wish she wouldn't have to go through this. She doesn't deserve any of this. My son is so little that he doesn't really understand what is going on. He is the same age as boyfriend was when his father drowned. It has left him scarred for life. So I know that this affects my little boy just as much as it affects my daughter. And for them, I'm making this choice. Not because I want to. I don't want to deal with any of this crap. But I'm neck-deep in it, so there's not much choice.

Almost 7 years worth of relationship. This is where it apparently ends. Tomorrow is a new day and he may try to reason with me, but now I've made up my mind and I want him to move out or check in at the psychiatric ward or rehab. If he chooses treatment, then we can discuss our plans for the future at some point during his time in the facility. I'm done with this now. I want to be able to feel at peace when I'm at home. Now it is this never-ending roller coaster of feeling good and bad and worried sick. You never know in the morning how the day is going to end. I want calm and peace. I want our home to feel safe for my kids. It is really sad that our home does not feel safe with dad living in it.

make-up

menthae — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:05:25 GMT

Let's not tell boyfriend that I just ordered lots of eye shadows. Men don't get this kind of stuff.

In truth I have hardly bought any new make-up beyond foundation and powder since the kids were born. Last year I bought a brow pen and one new quad eye shadow palette from the super market. I have bought nail polish, that I admit, but not for 6 months now.

I haven't really taken the time to put on make-up or care for my appearance that much otherwise either. I've either been in too much of a hurry to care, too depressed to care or felt guilty about caring for such a superficial thing.

It's the same story with my wardrobe. A lot of clothing doesn't fit, is not at all my style anymore or is too old and worn to look nice any more.

Now I'm about to graduate and begin a new school, a make-up artist school and hopefully enter the workforce too. I need to get my act together and start paying attention to how I look. I need to get some clothes just for work, because most of what I have is okay for school but doesn't particularly look professional.

On the make-up front I feel like I must have some basic stuff in order to not look completely ridiculous entering the world of make-up artistry. I'm sure most of the other students have their own room for all the beauty stuff they own. I haven't even started and already I imagine not fitting in.

So I went and bought make-up brushes last week and today I ordered couple of neutral toned eye shadow palettes online. They were on a sale and seemed like too good a deal to pass. I have in fact been coveting for months the ridiculously expensive (at least in my opinion) Urban Decay Naked palette. I didn't buy it nor the Naked2 palette. They both are awesome, but by buying NYX palettes on sale, I got three times as many shades as in one Naked palette. And as I'm trying to build my make-up stash pretty much from scratch, the amount of different shades is now the key, not how much of each shade the palette holds. Once I figure out which shades I'm partial to using on a daily basis, I can always stock up on those. As of now, I don't really have a clear idea. As a teenager and in my twenties I used to love purple shades, but I'm beginning to think that now I'm more of a brown & nude shade kind of girl.

This is what I bought. I didn't mean to buy so many, but they were so cheap and I couldn't decide :)

NYX Caribbean Collection:

NYX Runway Collection:

I can't wait for them to get here so that I can finally try out different kinds of eye make up. One quad shadow doesn't really provide many alternatives.

goodbye 2011, hello the better and happier 2012

menthae — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:56:59 GMT

To be honest, I waited for the year 2011 to end from August onwards. It felt like the whole year was this long battle of survival. I felt emotionally and physically drained. As a family we struggled with depression, alcoholism, son's never-ending ear infections, the shock and aftermath of son burning himself with hot tea, daughter's behavior issues at daycare, my mother's attitude towards me, my parents' faltering marriage, being a low income family and both of us parents trying to finish our degrees and failing to do so. It was a difficult year.

As we stood outside in the finally white winter scenery and watched the fireworks light up the sky above our tiny home town, I felt like we had finally come together as a family unit. I felt relieved that the year changed. I felt grateful for my adorable children and for that little moment, I also felt like me and fiance might make it as a couple. I had hope and dreams for the future again. Somehow the changing of a year was enough to cut me loose from most of the negative baggage I had accumulated during 2011.

Of course the same problems we had last year continue to trouble us this year too. They don't just magically disappear. And there will surely be new issues this year. But there will also be new things to bring me joy.

One week into the new year 2012 and I have felt closer to my tantrum-prone 4-year old daughter than in a long time, I know finally what profession I want to work in for the rest of my life, I know that I will most likely finally graduate in February & fiance's mother can stop going to radiation and begin work again after surviving cervical cancer. It seems like all the bad and negative last year is now being balanced out with some good news.

I will have to take a loan to go to the school of my choice, but since I have never before felt this sure about my choice of career, I will gladly take the financial strain to get to do the job of my dreams.

Right before Christmas I worked at a short film set as a costumer and make-up person. I've worked with the costume department before and I loved it, but the make-up part was all new to me and I realized that I love it too. I began to research where I could study to become a make-up artist specializing in stage & film make-up and the more I thought about it, the more it began to feel like a perfect choice for me. I've really struggled with my career path, not knowing at all what I want to do. As I was standing outside for the third day in a row, my toes freezing, wind blowing the rain horizontally, waiting for the actors to do their scene so that I could wipe of the fake blood from the police uniform the moment the director yelled cut (to not have a visible stain on the costume in the scene filmed next but supposedly happening before the bloody scene), I felt like I was exactly where I belong.

Life has pushed me towards the film industry before on several occasions, but for some reason I've never taken the hint before. This time it was like an epiphany of sorts. I just knew that this was it, this was my dream job. If I loved it even in the most miserable weather possible, I would love it all the time. It is really interesting. I get to work with very different kinds of people of all ages and backgrounds. Bot as a member of the costume or make-up department the work is delicate and quite intimate with the actors. We know their clothing sizes and measurements and where they have a big red pimple on their face. We have to make them forget their insecurities and create this light and carefree atmosphere for them to get ready for their job. It's work in the background, that doesn't get much thanks, but if you mess up, everyone notices. The locations and people change from project to project, but the feeling of working together as a group to make this movie or play happen, that stays the same and that is what I love. I love how these talented and creative people come together and each do what they do best and somehow work in perfect harmony to create a story that the viewers then see and hopefully enjoy. There is something magical about being a part of the process.

I get all excited and emotional as I think about this. I know, finally, what I want and need to do.

As soon as I have graduated and negotiated the loan, I will apply to a make-up academy. I will have to travel by train an hour back and forth each day, but it'll be so worth it.