the only way is up...
Two days since my low point, when I felt like a pile of frayed nerves and a puddle of tears on the floor.
I'm still sick with flu and I'm still not sleeping well, but I suspect it now has more to do with my flu than anything else. The flu is really not helping, but hey why not do this the hardest way possible, right life?!
When I wrote the last time, I decided already when I was writing that I need to do something. I need to pick myself up and start towards something better, crying and self pity was not getting me anywhere. First thing I made myself realize was that this situation is new to all of us, me, my children, my ex, my current boyfriend, my family, my friends... It will take time for us all to get used to this. I must give myself time and kind of let go of the mother I was in a relationship and realize that something has to give. I won't be able to be the kind of mother I was. I have no time for homecooked meals every day. I have no one to go shopping for me, so it is impossible to do that daily. I need to buy food for at least 3 days at one shopping trip. Shopping with a 3- and 5-year old children is a nightmare. I will not make myself go through that on a daily basis.
I need to be kinder to myself. I need to give myself good things to look forward to. I need to connect with other moms. This I have already been doing. I must not guilt trip myself over every angry and snappy sentence that comes out of my mouth. I'm not feeling good. I'm tired and now also sick. It is normal I have no patience to whining or tantrums. I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life, so I will not be the best version of myself right now. I have to keep on focusing on the good moments.
I am normally a positive person. Since I broke up with J, my positivity has really been put to a test. Sometimes I really miss him. When I find a new recipe I want to try, I think how before I would have told him. He liked cooking and it was something we shared. He was my best friend too, the person I shared everything with for the past 8 years. There are moments I miss that very much.
My friends and family are so angry at J for everything he put us through that they can't really remember the good times. He is not a bad person, troubled yes, very troubled, but not bad. I'm not apologizing for his behaviour, not anymore. I'm not making excuses for him. I would not have put up with the bad stuff for so long, if it had been all bad all the time. There were good times. But towards the end just too little in between the crap.
I didn't break up with him, because I woke up one day and realized that I did not love him anymore or because I had someone else in my life. I broke up with him because I saw no future with him. The trust was broken too many times and nothing seemed to change for the better, only worse. So I'm still dealing with my emotions towards him just like he probably is dealing with his emotions towards me. I hope for the sake of the children and little for me too that one day we can be something that resembles friends. I'd like him as a friend. Not a close friend, but someone I can talk to occationally. Im not sure if that will happen. Maybe there's too much stuff between us.
I wish I had time for myself without a boyfriend. I had not thought to get involved with anyone right away. I'm not the kind of person who does that. For me it has always been important to be independent and alone after a big breakup and be alone for a while before even thinking about a new relationship. It is difficult to make sense of all my emotions right now. There are the sad and angry ones from the failed relationship. There's frustration and failure. There's guilt. Why did I wait for so long? Maybe my kids saw and experienced too much. Maybe I saw and experienced too much. And then there's that quickening heartbeat when the Facetime connects and I see E, preparing food, smoking on the balcony or lounging on his bed without a shirt. There's the warmth that fills me when he says "Te amo tanto.". There is the silly smile that takes over my face when I think of him, the fist of longing squeezing my heart when I haven't seen him for a while or when I think of the 5 long months before I can touch him again.
I want to focus on my children, on myself, my future, but it is impossible to disregard this love I have for E. It is like it has been in my heart for 9 years and even grown if possible and now that we have another chance, I dont control my love anymore. It has escaped my heart and lives a life on its own. I'm not in control at all. I thought about suggesting that we wait for a year, just be friends and chat occationally, but it is impossible. I have to really focus on taking it slow. I would marry him right away, if he was free to marry me and wanted to. It is crazy. It is scary and I think it is a little unhealthy. I know people always say they have never felt like this before. I have. 9 years ago when I left Cuba and E behind, I felt like I was cutting my heart out of my chest. Everyone said to me that it was just a holiday romance or puppy love. I think he is the one for me.
We are strong and will fight, like we already have. He is really quick to anger and not easy to calm down. I am steadfast in my opinions and if I feel I'm treated unfairly, I will not give in an inch. I see a lot of silly arguments in our future. But we have both waited and hoped to meet again for 9 years. We have both been with other people and thought about each other. We have been in each other's thoughts for 9 years. I think we will never take our love and being together for granted. It feels like a miracle that we found each other. I can't just say "Sorry but not now". I might get my heart broken so badly that it will never heal, but 9 years ago I acted in fear and let him go. I will not back out now because of fear. I will throw my all at this relationship, do everything it takes to make it work and to give it a chance. If it doesn't work then at least we gave it a shot.
I think we might end up being that disgustingly sweet couple who is always just as much in love as when they first met. Or our love will end up being so explosive that it is impossible to maintain a relationship. Either way, I need to see what it is going to be.
And while we are taking it slow with E, I need to start making decisions about my own life, work, school, career, where to live, what to do... I have to make that my top priority. Now if I only knew what I wanted in life besides a future with E...
I'm still sick with flu and I'm still not sleeping well, but I suspect it now has more to do with my flu than anything else. The flu is really not helping, but hey why not do this the hardest way possible, right life?!
When I wrote the last time, I decided already when I was writing that I need to do something. I need to pick myself up and start towards something better, crying and self pity was not getting me anywhere. First thing I made myself realize was that this situation is new to all of us, me, my children, my ex, my current boyfriend, my family, my friends... It will take time for us all to get used to this. I must give myself time and kind of let go of the mother I was in a relationship and realize that something has to give. I won't be able to be the kind of mother I was. I have no time for homecooked meals every day. I have no one to go shopping for me, so it is impossible to do that daily. I need to buy food for at least 3 days at one shopping trip. Shopping with a 3- and 5-year old children is a nightmare. I will not make myself go through that on a daily basis.
I need to be kinder to myself. I need to give myself good things to look forward to. I need to connect with other moms. This I have already been doing. I must not guilt trip myself over every angry and snappy sentence that comes out of my mouth. I'm not feeling good. I'm tired and now also sick. It is normal I have no patience to whining or tantrums. I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life, so I will not be the best version of myself right now. I have to keep on focusing on the good moments.
I am normally a positive person. Since I broke up with J, my positivity has really been put to a test. Sometimes I really miss him. When I find a new recipe I want to try, I think how before I would have told him. He liked cooking and it was something we shared. He was my best friend too, the person I shared everything with for the past 8 years. There are moments I miss that very much.
My friends and family are so angry at J for everything he put us through that they can't really remember the good times. He is not a bad person, troubled yes, very troubled, but not bad. I'm not apologizing for his behaviour, not anymore. I'm not making excuses for him. I would not have put up with the bad stuff for so long, if it had been all bad all the time. There were good times. But towards the end just too little in between the crap.
I didn't break up with him, because I woke up one day and realized that I did not love him anymore or because I had someone else in my life. I broke up with him because I saw no future with him. The trust was broken too many times and nothing seemed to change for the better, only worse. So I'm still dealing with my emotions towards him just like he probably is dealing with his emotions towards me. I hope for the sake of the children and little for me too that one day we can be something that resembles friends. I'd like him as a friend. Not a close friend, but someone I can talk to occationally. Im not sure if that will happen. Maybe there's too much stuff between us.
I wish I had time for myself without a boyfriend. I had not thought to get involved with anyone right away. I'm not the kind of person who does that. For me it has always been important to be independent and alone after a big breakup and be alone for a while before even thinking about a new relationship. It is difficult to make sense of all my emotions right now. There are the sad and angry ones from the failed relationship. There's frustration and failure. There's guilt. Why did I wait for so long? Maybe my kids saw and experienced too much. Maybe I saw and experienced too much. And then there's that quickening heartbeat when the Facetime connects and I see E, preparing food, smoking on the balcony or lounging on his bed without a shirt. There's the warmth that fills me when he says "Te amo tanto.". There is the silly smile that takes over my face when I think of him, the fist of longing squeezing my heart when I haven't seen him for a while or when I think of the 5 long months before I can touch him again.
I want to focus on my children, on myself, my future, but it is impossible to disregard this love I have for E. It is like it has been in my heart for 9 years and even grown if possible and now that we have another chance, I dont control my love anymore. It has escaped my heart and lives a life on its own. I'm not in control at all. I thought about suggesting that we wait for a year, just be friends and chat occationally, but it is impossible. I have to really focus on taking it slow. I would marry him right away, if he was free to marry me and wanted to. It is crazy. It is scary and I think it is a little unhealthy. I know people always say they have never felt like this before. I have. 9 years ago when I left Cuba and E behind, I felt like I was cutting my heart out of my chest. Everyone said to me that it was just a holiday romance or puppy love. I think he is the one for me.
We are strong and will fight, like we already have. He is really quick to anger and not easy to calm down. I am steadfast in my opinions and if I feel I'm treated unfairly, I will not give in an inch. I see a lot of silly arguments in our future. But we have both waited and hoped to meet again for 9 years. We have both been with other people and thought about each other. We have been in each other's thoughts for 9 years. I think we will never take our love and being together for granted. It feels like a miracle that we found each other. I can't just say "Sorry but not now". I might get my heart broken so badly that it will never heal, but 9 years ago I acted in fear and let him go. I will not back out now because of fear. I will throw my all at this relationship, do everything it takes to make it work and to give it a chance. If it doesn't work then at least we gave it a shot.
I think we might end up being that disgustingly sweet couple who is always just as much in love as when they first met. Or our love will end up being so explosive that it is impossible to maintain a relationship. Either way, I need to see what it is going to be.
And while we are taking it slow with E, I need to start making decisions about my own life, work, school, career, where to live, what to do... I have to make that my top priority. Now if I only knew what I wanted in life besides a future with E...