sleepless dreams

SQUEEEEE!

2009-10-09T03:14:17Z

I'm really happy because I actually went to toys'r'us today and bought my first ever giratina figure!! Theeen I went to my local comic book store and even though they didn't have much to choose from with cards, I got prinplup and duskull cards :) yeah they're not part of my collection, but I do admire them :3

On another note I think I'm gonna try and make a pokemon themed hat. I've always wanted one but I thought if I can make one myself, annnd it turns out good, I could prolly do commisions :3
Also, I think if I get better materials, I'm going to do art comissions.... Hopefully *crosses fingers*

Anywhooo. I was up til 5am and slept til 1pm with my boo :) I love him so <3

Buuut I think he's fallen asleep at home because I cannot get ahold of him. I'm not freaking out as much because A)I know he's super tired B)I'm too tired to be freaking out

Plus I need to stop getting myself worked up over things.... Oh shit but what if I don't worry then something bad actually happens????? O_O mmmm I'm really paranoid... I can't help it though.

But I'm 99.9% sure he's curled up with his puppy sleeping. Chances are he took her on a walk and played with her so their both prolly pooped :3 gosh he's cute. So is she ^w^ baby animals are the cutest, with their cute little faces and trying to always get out of trouble with their cuteness. :) not gonna work on meeeeee! Haha gosh I need some sleep X__X
I gots to babysit in the morning which is okay cause I need to use my sisters scanner/printer anyways. Plus internet on an actual computer goes a lot quicker than a balck berry....not that there's anything wrong with using a blackberry.

DUDE,WTF? SNOW? FREAKING SNOW?!!!???!? ALL NEXT WEEK!!!!!! Damn you nebraska.what with all your corn and.....well,corn O_o

Blahhhh I guess that's all until tomorrow. Sorry I don't do cuts on here, but I'm on a blackberry, remember?

:B

who wears short shorts? I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!

2009-10-06T20:16:36Z

Mmmm you know what sounds really good? Macaroni and cheese with tuna. You should try it. Just mix in like half a can of tuna after you add the cheese. It spices it up a bit :p

Hmmm well I've decided that I want the girtina pokedoll and any of the, I guess you could say, "baby" pokemon? Like pichu,mime jr., happiny, cleffa, etc.

Ugh they are too cute. I would like to just collect plushes and dolls but something tells me I'm gonna collect the tomys and kids too o3o

But there's nothing wrong with that ^w^

So casper is a goofball. Everything is okay between us. But idk... I'm just getting tired. I don't know what he wants. I know I know I need to stop bitching and talk to him already. But I am so afraid of conflict and I'm afraid he'll leave and then I won't have any friends what so ever and I really hate dating people my age. I hate dating in general because of all the shit that comes with it. That's why I'm so happy with casper. Why he's so perfect for me. He knows how to have fun but isn't a whiny little bitch. Well there's more to it than that. Idk. I thought I was in love when I was with my ex, but I wasn't. But I know that I'm in love now. Its weird. I seriously don't give a flying fuck what casper looks like, I love him for who he is, not what he looks like. I guess its just a plus that he does look good though, lol :) but I mean I feel like he's at war with himself sometimes. Trying to be dominant but gentle at the same time :/ idk how to explain it. I wish I could though...hmmmm. He's just so fun and happy and cozy one second, then I blink and suddenly he's upset about something I did or said. I annoy him so easily. I don't mean to though, its just sometimes I think he thinks I'm dumb or something. I guess I'm a little ditzy on the outside, but that's not me. I guess I just act cute to make him smile. I'm not cute though. I'm honestly really caring and outgoing and cuddly and cold all in one. He pisses me off so much but I have to hold myself back because if I get mad at him he gets realllly...strange and mean. But if he gets mad at me, I try to make things better. Its almost like he doesn't care how I feel. I feel like I don't know him. I feel like I'm letting a stranger I'm madly in love with stay over all the time. I mean I KNOW HIM but there's so much he isn't telling me.

U_u *sighs*

I think I'm done rambling for now. Gonna go look for stuff online. Ugh.

shit day

2009-10-05T19:04:07Z

Today has been awful. Casper is upset with me and my mom is being inconsiderate and lazy.

Oh, and last night I sobbed on my bathroom floor for like ten minutes.

I'm getting out of omaha one way or anorther for a vacation. My mom won a trip to branson so I'm tring to convince her that we should go real soon. Buuut next year I'm going to maine for about a week to hangout with sophie2dopex and goto portcon with her :3

But anywhooo. I feel like shit. I'm depressed and lonely and not happy. I want A REAL RELATIONSHIP with casper. But I doubt that will happen with what happend this morning :/ I guess I'm just not good enough for him :'( idk, I know that he has reason to be upset but I think he's over-reacting... Not gonna go into it though...

Mmm I have some trazadone, I think I'm gonna take some when I get home. Nothing makes the pain go away like sleeping.

I just want to be with him and have a life with him and he's just toying with my heart :/ I don't think he knows that though. Or maybe he does??? Idk. But when he's not upset anymore I'm going to talk to him. Unless I talk to him tonight... But idk when I'm going to see him again soooo, idk.

:/ why is my life being complicated? Maybe I should goto church again? Idk, God has always done so much for me and I'm more than grateful, but I'm not giving back to him :( I just need to talk to him again. Haven't done that in a while :/

Well I'm hopefully leaving for the post office soon then going to my sisters for a lil bit. :/

:'( I'm actually really depressed for the first time in a really long time. That's really bad.

I just want to hold casper and kiss him all night and tell him I love him and have him say it back and mean it. Then I wouldn't be depressed anymore. Huh. Its strange that love can cause depression.

chicken 'n dumplings... kindof

2009-10-05T00:03:33Z

So I made chicken and dumplings for dinner tonight, except the dumplings where all liquidy and not biscuity :/

Annnnd the potatoes weren't cooked all the way through. So I'm still cooking it but without the dumplings :3

Its really freaking delicious though, and I'm gonna be making it all fall/winter ^w^

Maybe ill share the recipe with you guys ;p

Well didn't do much except goto walmart to get snacks and such :)

Watching extreme makeover:home edition :D

Well ill post again later :D

Bai gaiz!!!

:(

2009-10-03T17:40:26Z

So today was upposed to be a day spent with my mom shopping, BUT she felt sorry for my aunt and invited her with and we were supposed to goto nobbies but for some strange reason we went to hobby lobby. Uhhhmmm WTF??

Well I was just a cold little bitch towards everyone the whole time there...

But now we are headed to nobbies then the store :/

Annnd I'm gonna goto toys'r'us sometime this week :) gonna look for pokemon stuffs :D

Well I think my anger has subsided....for now.

im so happy....well not really

2009-10-03T02:55:25Z

I'm happy because I ordered some pokemon plushes today and a custom pokemon giri :)

But I'm sad because I wanted to see my love, casper :'(

I miss him so much and I haven't heard from him at all today!!! D:

I'm worried. And when I worry, I mean I get baaaaaaaad anxiety :(

I just hope he's safe.

I love him and I hope he likes what I got him :) something tells me he's gonna love it :)

Well not much happend and I couldn't update anyone with pics of my room cause I'm not babysitting :( but maybe sometime this week??? I dunno.

Well that's all I have to really say :/

Later.

room of D-D-DOOOM

2009-10-02T02:03:08Z

Sooo since I didn't have anyone to pick me up from class I just didn't go and cleaned my room instead...well my closet at least :/ ~~ill edit this post tomorrow to put up the pictures of the process and aftermath :)~~

so this was the first of my closet dump ^^;


and this was when i brought all the boxes from my closet to the living room O_o;


and here is my empty bedroom 'O'


and here is where i rearranged my bed to ^w^


sorry i dont have a "before pic" of my bed, but it pretty much was in the middle of my room :( which led to no moving room whatsoever. nooow though, theres space!

OMG I HAS A FLOOR!!!

I'm so freakin tired ugh but my moms bringing me tacooo bellll :D

Later bitchezzz

blah

2009-10-01T21:17:07Z

So my dad was in the hospitol last night, apparently his heart skipped a beat. WHICH I'm really paranoid about because my dad has diabetes,is overweight, and has an enlarged heart and has had a stroke before. XC

Buttt we still hung out today. Ate lunch at culvers (their double cheeseburgers are FTW) and then we went and saw The Informer, which was alright, but I wouldn't recomend it :/

I'm dog tired but don't have time to take a nap :( I have class in about two hours and gotta study cause I haven't been there in over a week :x

I feel horrible and if I don't go, casper will be dissapointed and taunt me for it T_T. I loves him fur that tho!!!!!

Well off to study!!!!

figured it out

2009-10-01T15:15:55Z

I have a sinus infection :(

Ughhh but I do feel better today even though I haven't even gotten my antibiotics haha

Its raining out today :/ I wonder if my dad still wants to hang out today :/ well not much going on today besides chillin with dad and going to class, but after all that I get to see my boo and I miss him so so so much :'(

Well ill post later :)

Bai gaiz!

oh man

2009-09-30T18:14:38Z

I'm really sorry about my post last night :/

I was reallllly emotional and upset with casper. I went to his myspace to save a picture of him and I saw a picture of him with his ex from 2006 and I just lost it.

He ended up coming over right after I posted that entry and seeing him smile just made my anger and sadness go away....

But I'm still upset.

Whatever.

Anywayssss, tonight I have class then casper is coming over until he goes to work.

Then tomorrow I'm spending the day with my dad.

Annnnnd I'm going to be purchasing a pikachu pillow and a bulbasaur pokedoll over the weekend ^w^

Me so excitttted!!!!

Well that's all I have to say for now :3

Later taters!

breaking my heart

2009-09-30T02:36:41Z

You go through my phone
But I can't go through yours
I don't have facebook or myspace
You have both
I want you to meet my family
I'm your dirty little secret
You still have pictures of you and her together
And I still love you...

I'm so broken down
I cry over you constantly and you just look the other way.

I just want to scream at you about how I feel but its like I'm a prisoner in my own body.

I don't know what to do because your all I've got.
But you have everyone.

I'm tired of feeling guilty over nothing. I know I lied to you in the past but I'm different and I HAVE NEVER CHEATED.

Your so honest yet something in my gut tells me your not being 100% honest.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know why I'm posting this...

I'm so close to going back to my old habbits....

theres still hope

2009-09-28T22:05:51Z

Well they were just hiring cooks,waitstaff, and bartenders :(

BUUUUT he said that once they get busy they will be calling people for bussing tables so chances are I'm gonna be working sometime late october or mid november :)

I'm a little bummed but hey, there's still hope :)

mmm :/

2009-09-28T20:54:58Z

Fuck.

I'm bleaching my bangs as I'm typing this and its 3:50pm and I have to be at an interview at 4:30 but I have to leave the blech in for at least half an hour :/

I'm so stressed I reeeeaaallllyyy really need this job and I've been praying that I get it. I'm gonna try and calm down now.

If I don't get it then I don't.
But if I do, I will be ever so grateful :)

Well wish me luck everyone!

Ill post a pic of my hair when I'm done :p

Later!

OMG

2009-09-28T15:15:49Z

OMGOMGOMG!!!!

The season premeir for family guy last night has got to be my favourite episode eva!!!

Season 8 episode 1

YOU HAVE TO SEEEEE ITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

^W^

mariahpixie @ 2009-09-28T09:27:00

2009-09-28T14:27:13Z

So not much going on today :/ watched dance flick with casper but he kept falling asleep haha it was cute :) he has a puppy named Lily and she was curled right up underneath him :3 AAA ha ha

Well my mom is getting her phone today which I will have to help her out with it lolz

Ohhh and my step mom,kami, got my dad a new cell phone so now he's texting me which will hopefully, in a strange way, bring us closer :) my dad and I don't usually see eye to eye on everything but he's trying to be supportive of my decisions. Its hard for him though when his wife is bitching at him about me and how screwed up I am 24/7. >:( beeetch haha

Oh and I'm realllly starting to loose it. I'm not the type to bottle my emotions and I'm forcing myself to do that now... EVERYDAY :( last night I ran into my bathroom and sobbed for a good 5 minutes. But afterwards, I totally went numb. That's what's been happening after I cry lately which is reeeeeally weird for me. I know why I'm crying too... Hearing a certain someone tell me he loves me in his sleep then hearing him say he didn't mean it the next morning is a constant slap in my face almost every other day. BUT, I'm tryyying to be as patient as I can be. I've learned that patience is greatly rewarded :) he kisses me now, but not just when he wants to but if I want to now ^w^ im sooooooooo happy :) but idk, I'm afraid to tell him I love him cause I don't want to ruin things but at the same time I'm 99.9% positive he loves me :/ I know, I'm confusing :p

Well whatever happens things between me and him will be okay, he's my best friend and that will never change <3

Well I think that's enough for now :)

G'day mates :)

new phone!

2009-09-27T15:15:08Z

Hey guys! So my sister added my mom and I on her family plan so I gots a new phone!!! Its the red blackberry curve :3 I have internet and just about everything on it :p I'm so happy and grateful because I've been needing a new phone for sooooooo long :) well my mom doesn't know yet,so she's gonna be soooo happy ^_^ she's been out of town all weekend at a retreat just to have some time to herslef and with friends. I can't figure out some things on this phone,but its nothing google can't solve! Well ill be on more often now :)

Well later taters :)

hello again

2009-08-21T19:45:32Z

so i just want to apologize for never being on here :[

i dont have any computer access hardly ever so im not going to be on much until i actually get a computer :[

im terribly sorry :[

things have been super amazing for me though. Casper and i are closer than ever and it truly wondeful :]

going to start drving more and start my GED classes whick im super excited about!!!

well ill post some cool pictures next time i come on here :]

later taters!

happy :]

2009-07-26T20:36:03Z

he kissed me before he left today :]

on the lips :]

and it felt meaningful :]

im am so very happy because this means that i am getting somewhere :]

+ =

poo

2009-07-09T20:14:54Z

so the gameshark that i got for my pokemon leaf green ~~DELETED~~ my game. AND when i actually stopped cussing and throwiong things around, i decided to play again but when i got attcked by a wild pokemon, the screen turned black :C

im so upset and sad :[

so i decided im gonna sell all my gameboy stuff to get store credit to go towards a DS lite :]

but anyhoooo i am finally out of my two year drawing block :D i drew myself as an anthro and its badass!!!!

i wish i had a scanner or picture mail on my phone so i could show you all :/ but i have neither :C

but ill try and take a picture of it tonight on my digital camera and if i get a good enough picture, ill post it up :]

well ima go check my DA :]

BAI GAIZ!!! :B

WOO!

2009-07-07T19:34:09Z

So casper found pokemon ruby which means i can have a Pichu as my beginner pokemon!!!!

yay!!!

well we saw transformers 2 last night and all i have to say is A W E S O M E !

but anyhooooo casper's coming over tonight like usual and we're finally gonna play with the two mice i bought him :] i cant wait till he names them!!!

im gonna take pictuers of them tonight and when i get on next ill put some pictures of them up :]

but anyhoooo, im getting a gameshark for my pokemon leaf green so i can get a buttload of master balls :p

i reaaaallllly want zapdos,articuno,and moltres >_<

annnnd i reallly wanted a growlithe but you can only get them in fire red which sucks, cause i wouldve gotten that game instead!!!

ba-hum-bug... :p

but im very happy with the game i chose because its very different from the origianls :]

well im gonna go hack my moms myspace to piss her off >:)

lolz

l8er gaiz

mariahpixie @ 2009-07-06T13:07:00

2009-07-06T18:24:05Z

megaultima.deviantart.com/

thats my cousins site :]

she is extremely talented and ive always know she would go far because of her art :]

mariahpixie @ 2009-07-06T11:27:00

2009-07-06T16:42:12Z

BLAHHHHHH....

so yesterday i baught two female mice for Casper :3 he loved them, but hast had a chance to name them :/ we kinda passed out as soon as he got there hehe ^_^;;

but anyhooo, one is white with an orange head and spots and she is very very curios and loves climbing on things. The other is a greyish tan color with a white belly and her fur shines like silk :] she is very shy.

he said he had two names in mind but wanted to play with them first to decide on something, but once again, we didnt get a chance to play with them because we fell asleep cuddling.... :]

but on the 4th my mom and i went to my cousin's cause his neighbors and him closed off the street to light off fireworks. but we left as soon as they started lighting the big stuff cause i am very afraid of fireworks [been hit in the head the past two years by flares from an artillery shell] so when we got home the view on our 3rd floor appartment was amazing but we decieded to walk to this little hill next to the appartments and boy oh boy was that something to see. We could see for miles all around us, all the fireworks being lit off. and since my cousin lives a street over, their fireworks were actualls nice to look at :] i have to admit, that was one of my favorite momments in life especially since it was with my mom :]

but after all the fireworks subsided casper came over and asked what i wanted to do? get sushi,go dancing, watch movies, or play video games?

i said sushi, so we left and were going like 90mph on the interstate and when he got through to the restraunt to place his pickup order, they were closed T_T and we couldnt go dancing cause i wasnt wearing a bra :/ so we got taco bell and some icees mixed with energy drinks. well that killed me! i felt so sick the i passed out while he was playing video games :[ i woke back up around 5:30am and he was just turning off the game. i had been out for about three hours :[ but he layed down with me on the tiny couch in his living room and we cuddled the morning away and slept so very good :]

one of my best 4th of julys ever!! :D

well i discovered my caousin has a DA [deviantart] which is awesome cause ive been bugging her to get one for years because she is so very talented :] so im gonna go find it and then ill post it on here when i do find it :]

well once i figure out how to put pictures up, i will :]

later taters!!!

mariahpixie @ 2009-06-27T13:41:00

2009-06-27T18:44:07Z

Sooo you all should click this banner below and join this community. This girl is very wonderful and talented :]

joining her community will surely brighten your day :]

POKEMON!!!

2009-06-26T21:46:51Z

ive been playing pokemon crystal non stop the past week :]

its awesomeful!!!!!

things have been rocky but are getting better :/

i hope they stay better.....

*sighs* im truly amazing by Casper, he is everything ive ever hoped and dreamed of come true. Ive never loved something or someone as much as i love him :]

hmmmm, well enough of that :]

ima get off and post something better when im able to put some pictures up of me wearing my newly purchased rainbow fluffies :D

later taters :]

memorial weekend

2009-05-25T19:56:39Z

I read the most amazing and life changing book ever this weekend that casper has been waiting for me to read and now that ive finished it he wants to talk about it with me as i do with him :]

its called The Shack and its very spiritual and has helped me in my relationship with God :]

i made a really cool piece of kandi [ill have pictures of my creations soon]

and then now im in Ida Grove Iowa with my mom visting her cousins and aunts and uncles.... its kinda boring, but the sights make up for it :]

well i should be home by 8pm tonight and will hopefully be able to watch the Jon and Kate season premiere ive been awaiting to watch for so long...and even better, Casper is coming home tonight!!!!!

:D im so excited, im gonna be glued to him all night, well a little more than usual at least :]

well im gonna check out some things before i get off, ill post again as soon as i can :]

by all :]