Manda600

Fanfic: A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings, Chapter 4

2014-07-23T19:18:48Z

Challenge Accepted

From his place near the jukebox where some random woman is attempting to chat him up, Barney’s gaze follows Robin’s progress up to the bar.

Much as he’s wanted an opening from her – figuratively and literally, what up! – the 20, as he’s called her in his mind since he first laid eyes on her, has been surrounded all night by a gaggle of females. And he knows from past experience that the group approach is rarely successful. Either you get shot down by one of her girlfriends or one of them wants you instead and the whole thing turns awkward.

Consequently, he’s spent the last hour and fifteen minutes biding his time, waiting for the opportunity to talk to her away from the others, and now that the chance has presented itself he nearly sprints across the room – in the most suave and totally not eager way possible, of course.

Barney sidles up beside her at the bar just in time to hear her request to Carl – “Dirty martini” – and he smiles inwardly at the stroke of luck as it gives him the chance to use Approach #3. “Interesting order,” he slickly remarks.

Robin turns to find Hottie in the Suit now beside her and she doesn’t even attempt to hide her amused smile. “Why?” she shots back, genuinely curious as to where he’s going with this. “There are about fifteen women in the bar drinking this very same thing right now.”

Already Barney knows from her response that he was correct earlier about her sharpness and brains and he attempts to modify his usual line accordingly. “Yes, but you drinking it is interesting to me….An order says a lot about the person.”

“Does it?” she asks.

And there’s that knowing amusement again, keeping him on his toes.

“Without question,” he replies, still attempting to stick to his usual game, if slightly refined. “Take a person who orders scotch, like myself for instance. Scotch is urbane, sophisticated, and smooth – with a great body for your tongue,” he adds with a smirk.

It’s a cheesy line but she can’t help smiling at it despite herself. With him it’s all in the charm of the delivery. He’s every bit as much fun as she suspected he’d be from her observations. But she’s not prepared to let him know that just yet so she answers with a noncommittal, “Is that right?”

“It’s accurate 83% of the time,” he states confidently as if it’s a well-known scientific fact. “Or 100% of the time in my case. Now you ordering a dirty martini, that implies – ”

“Oh I know what you’d say it implies,” she interrupts with a laugh.

That throws Barney off. She didn’t even let him finish his line – and she’s laughing. A woman’s laughter is usually a good thing but his ‘drink that you ordered’ pickup line isn’t supposed to be funny. It’s supposed to be sexy. But it’s clearly not working on this girl. “How do you know what I’d say?” he tests her.

“Because I know guys like you. I know you. I know precisely how you work. Why do you think I came over here? I was waiting for you to come hit on me. And just as I thought,” she grins boldly, “it took exactly ten seconds.”

Barney narrows his eyes at her. This girl is different. Not only is she keeping up with him – which never happens – she’s actually forcing him to keep up with her. And she’s not afraid to cut him down to size. She’s a challenge, that’s for sure. A rare intellectual challenge. And he loves a challenge. But it’s clear that no play, modified or otherwise, is going to work on her. With this woman he needs to be straightforward, just himself with nothing else put on. It’s a rarity, a slightly intimidating but tremendously exciting one.

“I apologize; the redhead over there got in my way or I would have been here sooner,” he quips, though entirely honestly in this case. “But now your wait is over; I’m here, and I have hit on you. Although you didn’t fall for my dirty martini line,” he points out since her response makes little sense if she wanted to be hit on by him.

“That’s because I’m not drunk,” she retorts. And there’s that amused little smile again that makes him want to kiss her desperately. “And I actually have a higher IQ than bra size so I doubt I’d fall for your lines anyway.”

Talk of her bra size naturally causes his eyes to drift there and the already nearly overpowering urge to kiss her rises tenfold. That’s it; he has to be with this woman. He has to experience her at least once. With that in mind, he again answers honestly. “Your IQ is impressive, but so is what’s beneath that bra….I could take both out to play tonight. That’s what I’ve been waiting for. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You said you were waiting for me to come to you just like I was waiting to get you alone.”

She did admit that, didn’t she? But it was for the fun of it, not because she has any intention of actually sleeping with him. “My coworker just went through a breakup and I’ve been sitting here all night hearing about how Chad did her wrong.” Robin shrugs. “I got bored. My mind wandered.”

“And it wandered straight to me,” Barney smoothly fills in.

“Not for the reasons you think,” Robin grins. “I watched you all night,” she reveals. “I saw the way you operate. And I’ve gotta say, it’s entertaining. So….I was curious to experience it for myself. But there’s no way I’m gonna volunteer to join your three ring circus. And even if I was that naïve – and, let’s face it, that stupid – I’m not looking for a relationship or any kind of love connection.”

He respects the way she gets straight down to business so he will too. “Well then, I’ll keep it simple on all accounts: no relationship, no three ring circus, and definitely no love.” He leans in closer, setting his elbow alongside hers against the bar. “Why don’t you just come home with me tonight?” he proposes. “I’ll even drop my normal ‘sex three times before going out to dinner’ rule for you. We can stop somewhere and get a bite to eat first before I make you forget your own name.”

She shouldn’t want him as much as she does, but the reality is she’d like nothing more than to play with him tonight, rolling around in his sheets that smell as good as he does. But wanting doesn’t mean doing, not tonight anyway and not with him. “You are intriguing,” Robin allows with a soft smile that has him leaning even closer. “But I’m not having a one night stand with you.”

“Friends with benefits?” Barney tries.

Robin laughs. “We’d have to be friends first.”

He considers that for half a second. “Alright,” he decides. “Challenge accepted. So how about I let you in on the play?”

She gives him a cautiously curious look, the smile still dancing on her lips. “What does that mean?”

“Let’s be friends then. You find my ‘three ring circus’, as you put it, so entertaining. Well, I’ll let you behind the curtain, show you all my tricks, all the inner workings. You can be in on the game. You’re impressed with my work, I can tell. And I respect that.” He tilts his head in deference, straightening his tie. “I could always use another bro. It’ll actually be quite interesting to have a wingwoman for my broings on about town. What do you say?”

Now it’s Robin’s turn to consider. She ought to throw her drink in his face. At the very least she should walk away, walk out of the bar and never set eyes on him again…..But he is intriguing….Her job’s a bore, her social life is nonexistent, she barely even speaks to her family and hardly knows anyone in the city yet. Meeting this cocky, eccentric, and charming mystery man in the suit is the most interesting and exciting thing to happen to her in longer than she cares to admit.

And it’s still not like she’s going to sleep with him. But he seems like a fun person to be around. Broing about town, is that what he called it? That sort of exhilaration and fun is just what she needs in her life. Patrice wasn’t wrong; she does need to get out more often. As serious as she is about her career, work can’t be everything.

She sets her martini on the bar, extending her hand to him. “Robin Scherbatsky.”

“Barney Stinson,” he smiles, taking her hand in his and holding it longer than necessary for a simple introduction before finally letting it go.

Robin wishes she could say she felt nothing when he touched her but that would be the biggest lie she’s ever told. She’s not going to sleep with him though. She’s not. She just needs sex badly. That’s the only reason she’s picturing dragging him into the women’s room right now. But she’s cool and collected through years’ worth of practice and doesn’t let any of that inner yearning show. “So that is your real name,” she says in cheeky reply.

“I decided to use it tonight,” he grins, continually impressed by her quickness. “What about you?”

“I always use my real name.” Then she realizes that’s not entirely true. “Well…except for the once. But that’s a long story.”
Barney can smell weakness and titillation a mile away and instantly pounces on that slipped bit of information. “I like long stories, especially sexy ones that involve hot aliases.”

“Then this one will disappoint you,” she smiles. There is nothing sexy about her squeaky clean years living under her teen alias.

“Try me.”

“Uh-uh.” Robin shakes her head, quietly adding, “I never tell that story to anyone.” She picks up her drink again, taking another sip of the martini.

Barney could keep on after her but there’s something about the way she avoids eye contact, something in her entire body language of vulnerability surrounding the subject that lets him know this story – whatever it may be – really does make her uncomfortable. And though he barely knows her, already something tells him that’s the last thing he’d ever want to do. “Okay,” he backs off. “We all have our skeletons in the closet. I’ll let you keep yours,” he gently tells her.

She appreciates the way he respects her wishes, not prying any further where she’s made clear she doesn’t want anyone going. But when she looks up to meet his gaze again it’s the hint of empathy and understanding she sees in his eyes that truly surprises her. This man is fun, and charming, and unique, and incredibly hot in his tailored suit. All of that is plain to see. But this one caring look from him revealed there’s more going on beneath the surface. A lot more. And she’d like to find out what.

“What skeletons do you have, Barney Stinson?” she asks softly, and despite herself a tone of blatant flirtation slips into her voice. She finds herself leaning just a little closer and she knows lust very well may be written all over her face. Because she’d also like to experience the more obvious attributes hidden beneath that expensive suit. She’s not going to let herself, but she can’t help wanting it.

Barney watches the way Robin leans just a little more into him and knows he was also right earlier about the little twinkle in her: she wants sex just as much as he does; she likes it wild and kinky the same way he prefers it; and now he can tell that she even wants it with him.

The two of them could have so much fun together it’s insane. He knows he’s going to have to work for it though. But for the first time in a very long time he actually doesn’t mind. With her, he has a feeling the getting there is going to be as enjoyable, if not more so, than the actual sex with his usual conquests. And with her, when he finally does get her into bed it’s going to be off the charts explosive.

“Let’s get out of here,” he says, setting down his scotch and nodding towards the door.

Robin’s lips form that amused smile again. “I told you, I’m not going to sleep with you.”

“Not yet, anyway,” Barney maintains mischievously. “But relax; I’m just working on the ‘friends’ part of ‘friends with benefits’. I’ve watched you all night too, and not only were you bored to tears with that laugh fest you’ve been trapped in but you were also starving. And the party girls over there were only having drinks all night, nothing to eat.”

“We came straight from work. I haven’t had dinner yet,” Robin admits. She’d been wishing for a plate of appetizers for the past hour. Her stomach had growled a time or two back at the booth, but she hadn’t even realized just exactly how hungry she is until he just mentioned it now. How can he read her that well, she wonders, a bit unnerved.

“Perfect. I’ll fix that.” A thought occurs to him and he grins devilishly. “Oh ho-ho! I know just the place. But it’s in Brooklyn,” he warns, unsure if she’ll agree to go with him that far.

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“Awesome. Cause I know you’ll appreciate this…..”

As Robin grabs her purse off the bar, heading with Barney out the door, she doesn’t have any doubt at all that he’s right. The trouble is she already appreciates him way too much for her own good.

Fanfic: A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings, Chapter 3

2014-07-17T19:53:40Z

Previous Chapters

Playing with Fire

24 Hours Earlier

“Robin, are you still here? It’s after eight.”

Robin looks up from the desk/makeup table of her tiny little walk-in-closet-sized dressing room at Metro News 1 to see Patrice’s concerned face staring back at her. “I’m just finishing up on a new story,” she says, her fingers typing furiously to get that last line down before she forgets it.

Patrice’s expression brightens. “A new story for tomorrow?”

Patrice’s misplaced hopefulness effectively deflates Robin’s own tenuous enthusiasm and, sighing, she glances back up. “No. Tomorrow I’m still covering the pet fashion show in the park,” she acknowledges drearily. “This was something of my own I was hoping to pitch.” Who is she kidding, though? No one here is ever going to take her seriously. It’s a waste of time trying. “Never mind. It’s stupid. You’re right; I should just go home.”

“I’m sure your story’s good, Robin,” Patrice puts in brightly. “They’ll want you to deliver it on the air if you only let them see it.”

At least Patrice takes her seriously, Robin thinks to herself. But Patrice is only a production assistant – as well as her self-appointed position as Robin’s part time personal assistant – so fat lot of good it does her professionally speaking. “Thanks, Patrice, but we both know this is a dead end job. All I get are little fluff pieces, and we have all of two viewers to watch them.”

“Three,” Patrice corrects encouragingly. “I always watch.”

“Metro News 1 thanks you for your support,” Robin smiles wryly. The truth is they need every viewer they can get since most people have never even heard of the station. She herself hadn’t before she got hired.

Robin took the job at Metro News 1 right after she moved to New York. It was the first and only thing she could get in a competitive city but it’s turned out to be a far cry from what she dreamed of back at home in Canada.

Her very first day on the job she met Patrice, and the two women couldn’t be further opposites. Patrice is optimistic, openly warm, effortlessly congenial, and easily opens up about every little thought, feeling, and emotion. Patrice wears her heart on her sleeve for the whole world to see, whereas Robin keeps hers locked away buried deep inside where no one can touch it so that no one else can ever break it again.

One would never guess the two of them could get on at all, but Patrice was instantly taken with Robin, first and foremost because she’s a genuinely nice person and gets on with everyone. But Robin quickly became her special case. The way Patrice sees it, Robin is a strong, competent, intelligent, professional woman worthy of admiration, but there’s also something of need and vulnerability in her that was instantly apparent to Patrice. Robin’s walls were and still are up – that’s plain in the way she acts – but they’re up for her own protection. Everything about who Robin is, particularly as she’s gotten to know her more, makes Patrice want to help her.

Robin for her part found all the attention and adoration overbearing at first, but a couple weeks into knowing each other Patrice met someone who is now her serious boyfriend and he takes some of that constant focus off of her. With that balance in place, Robin finds it’s actually kind of nice having Patrice around as a friend. A work friend anyway. They don’t see each other much outside of the studio. She doesn’t see anyone much outside of the studio.

“But let’s face it,” Robin rationalizes. “This story is never going to see the light of day.”

“Probably not,” Patrice levels with her, sadly. “But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t deserving.”

As she walks past her to grab her laptop case, Robin pats Patrice’s shoulder once in the same way she pets her Dalmatian. It’s the closest to open affection she ever shows; anything else makes her uncomfortable. “I’m heading home now, so you don’t have to worry.”

Patrice shakes her head. “I’m still gonna worry. Heading to work and heading back home is all you ever do. There’s got to be something more to life than that. We need to find you a boyfriend.”

Robin gives her a disappointed look, groaning audibly. “You too? I mean I know you’re all about true love and destiny, but you’ve also been paving a career in a male dominated industry the same as I have. I thought there’d be something of a feminist in you.”

“Being a feminist doesn’t mean you can’t believe in love and marriage,” Patrice points out.

And, okay, Robin has to give it to her; she does have a point. “I never said I didn’t believe in it. Just that I personally don’t need a man to function in life. I hear enough of that point of view from movies, TV shows, and my own mother,” Robin adds defensively. “I don’t want to hear it from you too.”

“Of course you don’t need a man, Robin,” Patrice laughs gently. “I just want you to have what Joe and I have. I think you want that kind of happiness too, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. It can get awfully lonely when you’re single. Having someone to be with, finding that kind of love, you don’t absolutely have to have it to function, but it enhances your life. It’s just like your dogs; you don’t need them but it’s nice to have them around. Boyfriends are the same way.”

“Maybe for some people. Maybe even for me someday,” Robin allows. “But I’m not ready for that right now. I’ll just stick to my dogs, thanks.”

“At least come out with the girls then. Have a little bit more of a social life. Cindy and Chad just broke up so we’re all taking her out tomorrow night to this bar she likes, MacLaren’s. You should come with us, Robin…..Maybe you’ll even meet someone.”

“Ugh, what did I literally just say, Patrice?”

“I know. But I haven’t seen you with a guy since you moved to New York two months ago. In that time your dogs can’t be providing all the companionship a man can.”

Robin thinks about that for a moment and Patrice is unfortunately right. She has been going through something of a dry spell, and there are just certain things that even the love of the sweetest puppy – or the nightly attention of even the most high-powered vibrator – can’t quite satisfy. “It has been a while….and there are some things I miss,” Robin admits.

“Like what?”

“Patrice,” Robin smiles waywardly. “They’d make you blush.”

“I have a boyfriend,” Patrice reminds her. “Maybe one of the things you miss is something I did last night.”

“Touché. Alright….” Robin’s smile turns decadent as she imagines the things she misses most about having a male bed companion. “One of the things I miss is running my fingers over a man’s chest and abs – especially when he’s built enough that there’s something to run my hands over. But my favorite thing, what I miss most of all – well, besides the main thing, his thing,” she smirks, “is that muscle ridge that forms a V just above the hips pointing right down to his good bits. I can’t get enough of that…..Or of being taken hard and fast and just – ” She stops herself, realizing she’s clutching her laptop case to her chest.

“Robin, you really need to come out with us tomorrow,” Patrice deadpans.

“Okay, fine. Yes. I need to get laid. So alright, I’ll come out to this bar – MacLaren’s, is it? – tomorrow night. But I’m not becoming BFFs with the rest of the female staff. And I’m not falling madly in love either,” she rolls her eyes. “The only thing I’m falling into is some hot guy’s bed.”

Present

If Robin had any idea how wrong she’d been about tonight she would have went home after work like every other night, sex starved or not.

Because she’s been nothing but miserable. What’s worse, Patrice came down with the flu this morning and didn’t even come to the bar herself, despite insisting she be there. At least with Patrice as a mediator it would have kept her more involved in the conversation with her coworkers. Robin’s made an honest effort on her own, but sometimes friendships with women – especially flighty, girly-girl women like these ones – can be trying. And she can’t even be on the prowl like she’d hoped when she has to stay here with the group in some kind of anti-male, girl power comradery, drying Cindy’s tears with all the others. She’s firmly planted herself in their large corner booth like she knows she’s expected to do, but her thoughts and focus have drifted as the night wears on.

The first place they drifted to – and where they’ve been ever since – is on the hot blond up at the bar in the killer suit she saw eyeing her earlier. She can’t say how long he’s been here or when he first came in because when she herself arrived she was too preoccupied with all the expected but loathed fanfare. Although they see each other on a daily basis, every time the women of the station meet again they greet one another as if it’s been ten years. There are hugs, cheek kisses, squeals, simpering little salutations and over-the-top reception all around. And in her case it comes along with excited requests for an explanation as to how she came to be out with them tonight when she usually avoids it like the plague.

By the time the women’s attention was off of Robin enough for her eyes to wander without being caught Blondie was by himself up at the bar. His dark-haired friend who she scarcely got a look at since all her focus was on his magnetic blue eyes was nowhere to be found and the suited hottie was instead entertaining himself with the farer sex, talking to what would be the first of many women she’d witness him hit on and vice versa.

It’s been fascinating to watch the smoothness with which he operates. She’d say the women never stand a chance but it really doesn’t look like they want one.

Oddly enough, however, for all the numbers she’s watched this Barney collect – or so he claimed his name to be in one of the come-ons she’d overheard – he’s never actually left with any of the women, and more than a time or two she’s caught his eyes back over on her.

….She almost wonders if he’s waiting for her, waiting for a chance to take her home since she hasn’t left the booth all night and men like him always wait until they’ve got you separated from the pack before they pounce.

The thought isn’t unpleasant to her. Not at all. She came here looking for a one night stand and when she scanned the bar he was easily the one she wanted to go home with. The only one.

She hasn’t had sex in too long. Far too long. Robin misses sex. She misses everything about it. She’s in the market for something casual and fun, and she has no doubt Hot Guy in the Suit could satisfy her requirements and then some.

But she doesn’t want to be a part of anyone’s revolving door of bed partners, no matter how hot he is. Maybe that’s hypocritical since she herself wants a one night stand – or possibly a laidback, ongoing sexual affair if the guy was right. That appears to be exactly what Blondie’s after too, and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander; that’s always been her rule. Yet even on the prowl for a one night stand she still doesn’t want to be just another number to a guy.

And with a guy like this he probably can’t even remember what number she’d be.

Still, she’s been here for over an hour, the night has been insanely dull….and she finds she can’t resist tempting it just a little, playing with fire knowing she absolutely won’t get burned because this game will never go any further than the barstool.

Standing up, Robin heads across the room – alone for the first time all night – to order herself a drink, waiting to see if he takes the bait.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 2013 (The First Seven Married Months) Part 2

2014-07-11T17:19:34Z

A week and a half later, after a hectic Monday, Robin beats Barney home. Walking straight through the empty apartment she makes a beeline for their bedroom and her stash at the bottom of her nightstand. With her coveted box and lighter in hand, she opens the French doors and heads out onto the balcony to smoke a much-needed cigarette.

She’s always been a stress smoker and after today it’s no wonder she’s hurrying to light up. She hasn’t had a work day this bad since the days of Becky and Come On, Get Up New York!. After this she’s desperately looking forward to another nine days of vacation come this weekend.

It was somewhat bold to expect more time off after having recently taken two weeks off for her wedding, but she’s a rising star at the network and thus has some clout now. And the reasoning behind her time request – this weekend she and her husband will be returning to her hometown to celebrate their heritage on Canada Day, and then the following week is the Fourth of July when she wants to celebrate her American citizenship too – aren’t exactly easy to turn down and still come off looking PC, so the network easily granted her request. But she has to get through four more work days to make it there – and right now curving her lips around this little nicotine-filled champion is helping.

She hates herself for it though. It’s been seven months since she smoked and every time she swears it’s going to be her last one.

But anxiety, tension, and stress have been her triggers since the first cigarette she ever had at age eighteen. Thankfully, she’s never become a chain smoker and can always walk away cold turkey with just a cigarette here and there when the pressure gets to be too much. Other than the one week period surrounding when Don first started at Come On, Get Up New York! and refused to wear pants, the closest she came to actually having a true smoking habit was back when she was dating Ted.

Barney knew all about her smoking because back in early 2006 he caught her at the bottom of the steps of MacLaren’s smoking a cigarette huddled in the corner where she hoped none of the gang could see her from the street above. But he kept her secret, and during her eventual relationship with Ted sharing a smoke with Barney out in the back alley behind MacLaren’s became a regular thing. While they smoked sometimes they just enjoyed a companionable silence, but just as often she’d unburden herself to him about the stressor causing her to smoke. That first time he caught her it was stress from her dead-end position at Metro News 1. Later on when it became their regular thing it was almost always the stress of dating Ted.

There were just so many ways that the two of them were different, so many things about herself that he didn’t approve of and to spare herself his judgment and lectures she had to keep hidden from him. She was hiding just how extreme her love for firearms was – he didn’t know about all the many guns she had hidden around her apartment or about her subscription to the gun enthusiast’s magazine; he didn’t know the truth about Robin Sparkles, though when she gave him a fake explanation he wasted no time blabbing it to all the others; he didn’t know about her dysfunctional background; he was clueless about her smoking, something she knew she could never share with him; he was critical about the number of sex partners she had so she had to fudge those numbers too. And sometimes the sheer Ted of him could get to be too much for her, with his architecture talk and dad jokes and ‘Crossword Day’. There were times when her nerves were already wearing so thin that she’d just want to smack him when he pronounced renaissance that way – and then aggressively tried to get her to go to the renaissance fair with him. In short, suppressing her true nature in order to be Ted’s girlfriend at times just got so exhausting. And so she’d complain to Barney while they de-stressed together, smoking cigarettes in the alley outside the bar after everyone else had left.

Thankfully for them both, she and Ted each now have the person they’re meant to be with and there’s no more pretending or suppressing required. Unfortunately for her however, she’s still working in a high stress environment what with her wayward co-anchor and all.

It’s always the co-anchors; they’re the scourge of her existence. WWN was a huge step up, but far be it for her to ever have a completely professional work environment.

While Robin keeps smoking and ruing her day, Barney lets himself into their apartment, home now from work himself. All of the lights are off, which isn’t that big of a deal since it’s only half past six and the first day of summer was just last week, meaning there’s plenty of daylight to illuminate the rooms. What’s odd about is it the absence of any TV or music, just utter silence. Everything is quiet. Too quiet. It’s the kind of heavy quiet when something’s wrong.

“Robin, are you here?” She should be. This morning she told him she was coming straight home, and when they talked on the phone at lunch they were making plans to have a quiet night and just order dinner in.

Legendary comes out to greet him but there’s still no sign of his wife until Robin’s distant answer comes that she’s in the bedroom. Barney walks in there too and finds her out on the balcony, cigarette in hand. “Whoa. You must be upset if you’re smoking,” he says as he crosses the room to join her outside. “I haven’t seen you with a cigarette since back during “The Robin” when I wouldn’t sleep with you.”

Robin tilts her head in acknowledgment. That was indeed the cause of her smoking relapse eight months ago – but that was a whole different kind of stress and frustration. “I had a bad day at work,” she tells him, turning back toward the railing to blow smoke over the side.

“What happened?” Barney asks, coming up behind her and putting his arms around her waist.

She leans back against him in the comfort of his embrace, sighing heavily enough that he can feel it against his chest. “Sandy Rivers happened. You once called yourself the Player King. Well, he’s the Sexual Harassment King of New York City,” she sarcastically informs him.

Barney frowns. “He didn’t hit on you, did he?”

“No. He knows better than that,” she puts his mind at ease. “Sandy gave up on trying to sleep with me a while ago. Plus he knows now that I’m married and actually in love with my spouse. But there’s a reason he didn’t get invited to our wedding; he’ll try to sleep with anything that’s breathing – willing or not – and then force the story on everyone. He’s a completely unprofessional, all-around mess.”

Barney places a kiss to her temple, gathering her even closer to him. “What did he do this time?”

Robin takes another long draw from her cigarette before launching into the tale that gets her riled all over again just repeating it. “We were doing a story on a cock ring,” she begins wearily.

“Uh-oh.”

“Yep. It’s exactly what you’re thinking,” she replies, knowing Barney’s sharp mind has already jumped to the correct conclusion. “But this was on live TV, and it was a serious thing. The cockfighting ring they’d busted was tied to a major drug cartel. It was an important story. But of course Sandy hadn’t done any of his background research, and as you can imagine he did not talk about that kind of cock ring. He talked about the time one got stuck on his cock. In graphic detail. Trying to shut him up and explain to him how he’d gotten it wrong – all while live on the air – was one of the most embarrassing moments of my career. And now the network is facing an FCC fine.”

Barney has to admit the whole thing is kind of funny. One day he can even picture them watching the footage together and laughing over poor Robin’s stunned and embarrassed reaction. But much like when she fell into horse manure all those years ago, he knows his wife well enough to know that now is too soon for her to see the humor in it. So he shelves laughing over it together for another day and instead rubs his hand softly over her hip in commiseration. “How hasn’t he gotten fired by now?”

Robin shakes her head, releasing another trail of smoke into the air. “I don’t know. No one does. People are taking bets on it down at the station….I think maybe he has something on someone. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense.”

“Even if he does, that’s only going to last him so long. You keep hanging in there, baby. Don’t get discouraged now,” he gently reassures her. “You’ve come so far and your name is on the rise. You’ve already overshadowed him. It’s only a matter of time before you eclipse him completely and then you’ll never have to deal with that idiot again.”

Barney’s encouragement has already boosted Robin’s spirits from what they were. When she first got here the number one instinct coursing through her was to shoot something. That wasn’t an option so her secondary instinct was to go for a cigarette, and she’s still on edge enough not to be finished with it yet.

“But in the meantime I’m smoking again,” she says in frustration, taking another draw. “And I honestly did want to quit. You should too,” she tells him in all serious. “I know I used to laugh it off and be the first to say I didn’t want anyone telling me how to live my life, but we’re getting older now….” She snuggles back into him, setting her hand over his on her waist. “And we have a lot to live for.”

“Well if you’re really serious about quitting I can get you off of cigarettes in no time,” Barney boldly claims.

“Oh really?” she questions, a hint of amusement plain in her voice for the theory she senses is coming next. “And how is that? You know smoking’s been my stress relief for years, since before I met you.”

“Exactly. Before you met me. Now that you’ve got me you have no need for cigarettes.” He outstretches his hands, clearing his throat theatrically. “I offer myself as stress relief.”

Robin smiles at that. “Talking to you has helped a lot,” she acknowledges. “But unfortunately I’m still smoking,” she regretfully points out, holding up the cigarette in her fingers.

“That’s because while talking with you is great, in this case you need something stronger than talking alone. Lucky for you, you’re married to a sexpert – and sex is the greatest stress relief of them all.”

“Is that so?” she grins.

“It’s basic science that sex is good for you.”

“You sound like a horny seventeen year-old,” she laughs.

“Mock if you will,” he playfully replies, “but any doctor will confirm it. Sex is the ultimate cure-all. Oxytocin more than quadruples during sex, creating a natural pain reliever to fix anything from a migraine to a sore back. And sex fights cancer in men. Men who ejaculate twenty-one times a month – that’s not even once a day – have a 33% less chance of developing prostate cancer.”

“With sex less than once a day?” Robin marvels mischievously. “Well then you never have to worry about that.”

“Thanks to the way you and I go at it, no I won’t,” Barney smirks suggestively. “But sex has its benefits for women too. A woman’s estrogen levels double during sex. It’ll make your hair shiny and your skin softer. And more importantly to your problem at the moment, sex releases endorphins that naturally decrease stress and stimulate a state of euphoria. True story.”

“Alright. You’ve persuaded me,” Robin replies, turning her head on his shoulder so her lips are near his. “Let me try.” She presses her mouth to his and already he expertly starts out the kiss with just the right amount of pressure and intensity, not coming on too strong but enough to make her want more. To that end, she turns in his arms so she’s facing him, and Barney gradually increases the passion of their kissing – including that swirling thing with his tongue that always does it for her – until her fingers are up in his hair and they’re both breathing heavily.

Slowly drawing back, she shakily confirms, “You’re right. You are way better than a cigarette.” She drops hers onto the balcony, stomping it out with the toe of her heeled sandal and kicking it over the side to flutter unneeded down to the ground below. Then her mouth is back on his for several more long moments, her hand fisted in his tie.

Breaking away, Robin gives him a breathless, seductive smile. “Come de-stress me some more….” she whispers, taking Barney’s hand and leading him back into their bedroom.

From that night on, she always comes to him whenever she’s feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and after an hour in bed with him – or in the shower, or on the couch, or in one of their offices, or just against the wall – she’s left feeling boneless and sated and by the time they talk it all out afterwards she doesn’t have a care in the world.

And this time it really was Robin’s last cigarette ever.

****

The next four weeks go by quickly. There’s the trip back to Robin’s hometown so she can get Barney in touch with his Canadian roots. Then they hurry back home to celebrate the Fourth of July in New York City. A couple weeks later the GNB raid finally goes down, and just four days after that it’s Robin’s 33^rd birthday.

Robin never treated birthdays as a big deal. Unlike Lily, as an adult Robin never thought a fuss should be made over her. Perhaps a simple gathering of friends, a cupcake with a single candle at MacLaren’s, just something low-key. As a rule, Barney doesn’t disagree. He doesn’t make a huge spectacle out of his birthdays either. Outwardly he calls it ‘one more year of being awesome’ but it’s actually one year closer to crow’s feet – and that’s nothing to celebrate.

But it’s different with Robin. She didn’t just outgrow the need to be fussed over on her birthday. Robin never got to experience that in the first place. When she was very young she got to have some traditional birthday parties, most of which she was too young to even remember, but she did tell him about one particular birthday that stood out for her when she turned eight years old and her mother bought her a princess dress. It had pink ruffles and frills and lace, and she heard her parents having a huge fight about it the night before her birthday. As an adult she still marvels over how her mom managed it but somehow she got her way and the next day at the party Robin got to wear her little pink gown. The dress even had a tiny silver tiara for her hair. And for the first and only time in her life she actually felt like a princess. But after the divorce her mother wasn’t around to fight for her and Robin rarely even got a party anymore. Birthdays meant a handshake, a sip of scotch, being thrown out of a helicopter and tossed into the Canadian wilderness to ‘learn how to be a man’.

It hurts Barney to think about what she’s been through. Robin deserves more than a few lovely single digit birthdays, and so on this first birthday of their married life Barney wants to make a fuss over her and show her how special she is to him. He has a whole surprise agenda for today, starting with breakfast in bed. He and Legendary got up early and tip-toed their way out of the room to go get things ready for her. Right now the maple syrup is already heated and the pancakes are just seconds away from being done.

Back in their bedroom, Robin slowly begins to stir awake. Rolling over unto her side, she reaches her arm across to sling over her husband but only touches empty air. Opening her eyes she, indeed, finds his side of the bed empty. One quick look tells her the bathroom door is open and unoccupied. She’s just wondering where he’s gone off to when the bedroom door comes slowly sliding open. But, again, her eyes meet empty air and she knows that can only mean one thing: Legendary is the one returning, not Barney.

Yawning, Robin stretches and sits up just as the little dog is jumping onto the bed. Now that the bedroom door is wide open she can hear sounds coming from the kitchen – clattering of mugs, something being set down on the counter – and she figures Barney got up ahead of her to have coffee waiting.

“Is Barney out there making coffee?” she asks Legendary, reaching out to pet him. He just gives her a lazy puppy grin, snuggling into her lap for some loving.

Robin sits back against the pillows, continuing to stroke Legendary’s head and back as the memories of last night coming flooding through her mind. It had been one for the record books. They’d used the sex lounge and all of its amenities. Two months in, it’s finally stopped frightening the daylights out of Legendary when they activate it. Now they just give him a signal, he hops onto his bed and barely bats an eye when their bed goes into the wall to be replaced with another floor panel and their assortment of special chairs, contraptions, and toys. It was somewhere around two a.m. when, both exhausted and thoroughly satisfied, they put things back as they were, threw on some pajamas, and climbed into bed for the night.

She giggles softly to herself just thinking about it. Their friends still have no idea they converted Barney’s former ill-conceived Ho Be Gone system into their own private playground. No doubt they’d consider them depraved if they knew the truth. Not that she’s ashamed in the least of their healthy sexual appetite for each other, but it is rather hot having this dirty little secret that only the two of them know about.

Still petting their little puppy, Robin looks contentedly around the room as the early morning sunshine comes streaming in through the balcony doors. Like a magnetic draw, her eyes settle as they always do on the pictures from their wedding.

Their formal wedding prints arrived while they were in Canada. It was a pleasant surprise to find them waiting there when they got back and they straightaway set out to tweaking the apartment to make room for them. Here in the bedroom on the corner of the desk they put the picture of their very first kiss as husband and wife. Out in the living room on the wall by the closet replacing the drawing of a woman with a snake is a picture of the two of them with Barney dipping her down into the kiss while her fingers are buried up in his hair. On the living room entertainment center they have a smaller picture of the two of them walking back up the aisle hand-in-hand, and a picture of their first dance in all its glittered spectacle. On the other wall by the door where the close-up print of a woman’s rear end and legs once used to be now hangs a picture of the moment forever frozen in time when she first got up to the altar and she and Barney are lovingly gazing at each other so giddy with the biggest, goofiest grins on their faces.

Robin loves all of their wedding pictures but her very favorite is the one also in their bedroom sitting on the shelving unit against the far wall. It was taken at the very second Sam pronounced them husband and wife. It’s her favorite because the way they’re looking at each other – laughing and excited and so overjoyed – is just priceless. In all of the pictures and the video it’s impossible not to see how ecstatic and delighted they are to be getting married and how very much they love each other.

She still remembers their wedding day vividly. And what she remembers isn’t those fifteen minutes of panic. That’s all a blur. Particularly those last eight minutes with Ted and then running away from the church seem like an out of body experience. But she recalls every second of the ceremony. Not just what was said but how it felt. Throughout the ceremony, their vows to each other, and the exchanging of their wedding ring, she was so overwhelmingly happy and could literally feel how much Barney loves her. She’ll never forget it as long as she lives.

That picture of their very first instant of married life, that’s the one she’s going to send to Jessica in her Christmas card this year. That lone picture says it all. Looking at it now, Robin has no doubt that 2013 has already been the best year of her life by far.

“Legendary! You’re not supposed to be in here,” Barney’s voice gently scolds the dog. But it’s said in a tone of such naked affection that Legendary just looks happily over at him, knowing he’s not in trouble as he slides out of Robin’s lap and over to the edge of the bed to greet him. “We’re supposed to be letting your mom sleep in on her birthday.”

“I was already awake,” Robin assures him with a smile. “He didn’t ruin anything.” She finally takes her eyes off their little guy to look up at her husband and an immediate “Ohh” spills from her lips. “You made me breakfast?”

He just shrugs and grins. “It’s your birthday. You deserve to be pampered.”

“Aww, Barney.”

He sets the tray down on the edge of the bed by her feet and right away Legendary starts sniffing at it. “Ah-ah. Your food’s waiting out in your dish,” Barney tells him. That’s something Legendary immediately understands and instantly jumps down to go eat his own breakfast.

Now alone, Barney eases down on the bed to sit beside her, careful not to disturb the tray as he does, and Robin reaches for his left hand, pulling it into her lap and absently playing with his ring. He rubs a hand over her thigh through the bed covers, watching the reflective look on her face. “What are you thinking about?” he asks softly.

In the past, this would be where she’d evasively say ‘It’s stupid’ and avoid his gaze, but he’s told her that nothing she thinks or says could ever be stupid to him and she knows she has this safe space to always tell him everything no matter how silly it might seem. So she looks up, meeting his eyes as she replies, “I was just remembering where I was on my last birthday….How drastically better things are now, how much happier I am. Last year at this time, things were pretty bleak.”

Barney nods at that. It’s a sentiment he can certainly relate to. But he senses she has more to say so he stays quiet and lets her finish.

“Last year on my birthday I thought the two of us were done forever, that you were going to marry Quinn and I’d be stuck with a lifetime of settling for nothing but great sex with a guy like Nick who I couldn’t even talk to.”

“Okay,” Barney says, making a face. “I love that you want to share things with me, and I feel the same way about last year too. But can we not talk about all the ‘great sex’,” he puts it in air quotes, “you had with Nick?”

Robin grins impishly, running her fingers over his. “Why can’t we talk about it? If you let me finish you would have heard me say that as great as the sex was with Nick it’s even better with you. Way better. And with you, I have amazing sex and so much more. I have this. I have our whole life together. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, Barney. Not anything.”

He softly squeezes her hand. “I’m glad to hear it. Cause I’m not going anywhere. And I’d never let you trade me anyway,” he adds smartly. At that moment Legendary comes strolling back into the room, evidently having wolfed down his breakfast in only a few minutes. When Barney sees him, he adds their little guy into the mix too. “And I sure as hell wouldn’t have you trade your dog again for anything.” Now that he has one of his own he can even more fully appreciate how cruel it was for Ted to suggest she give up her five dogs all those years ago.

“No, I’d never trade you,” Robin smiles. “Either one of you. It’s like you said on our wedding night; you’re stuck with me now.”

Barney shakes his head. “Not stuck. Lucky to have you. Although you will be getting stuck later tonight,” he devilishly adjoins with a wink and a tongue click. Robin laughs at that, and even after all these years of knowing her Robin’s laughter is still the best music to his ears. “I have a whole day planned for you,” he tells her eagerly. “Dinner reservations after work, several undisclosed stops after that. It all begins with breakfast in bed but I’ve got a host of birthday surprises in store. You ready?”

Robin reaches for him and kisses him soundly. “Now I am.”

Five Months Later

It’s a Friday evening after work, five days before Christmas, and Barney’s just heading out of the elevator and down the hall to their apartment. Robin had the entire day off work and tonight they have plans to do up the place in complete yuletide cheer.

He unlocks and opens the door, shutting it behind him as he sets his keys on the banister, and when he looks up he finds Robin standing on the other side, decorating their tree.

She bites her lip, knowing she’s been caught. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t wait. I got started early…..Just a little bit.”

She already has last year’s decorations – the clear, lighted garland and flameless candles – up around the entertainment center, and the red tree skirt is in place too. Barney can only laugh and shake his head. “Eager little minx. Not even waiting for your husband,” he teases. “I could have taken my time at work instead of hurrying home.”

“I put the lights up on the tree, but I saved the ties and ornaments until you got home,” she offers sheepishly. “Besides, I’m always worth hurrying home to.”

“Yes, you are,” he smiles.

“I couldn’t help myself,” she explains. “There’s something about the smell of fresh pine….It got me all excited to make it look like Christmas in here.”

He can believe that. Robin always had a tree in her apartment, and in the four Christmases she lived as Ted’s roommate there was always a tree there too, even after Lily moved out and took her winter wonderland with her. While he enjoys the holiday too Barney was never much for decorating his own apartment, until last year. As part of the “The Robin” he’d wanted to show her how traditional and domesticated he could be underneath at all, and once she said ‘yes’ to his proposal it actually became real. The two of them shared a glorious Christmastime together full of laughter, love, and kisses – and outright sex – beneath the mistletoe.

They’d inadvertently started something of a tradition that was so much fun they both want to carry it on. They’ve agreed to get a real tree each year and decorate it in the same way as that first year together: with red and green lights, and solid red and green ties in lieu of garland. They both like that clean, simplistic look and don’t want much else cluttering it up. Besides the ties – such a uniquely Barney touch, which is why Robin loves it – they have just the two ornaments to hang: one they bought last year to celebrate their engagement and first Christmas together, and one they bought this year to celebrate one year of being back together and their first Christmas as a married couple. It had room for a little picture inside so they cut out a mini version of one of their wedding photos to fit into the tiny ornament frame.

Truth be known, it warms Barney’s heart to see Robin this excited to decorate for Christmas all because their last one together was so spectacular. He’s already made her a Halloween convert too.

Really, that transformation began two years before with Robin coming up with coordinating costumes for their shared Canadian heritage and then the two of them spending the Halloween party together talking and laughing and having a blast. Last Halloween they couldn’t exactly coordinate their costumes considering the circumstances of her having Nick around and all, but they did still spent most of the party together in much the same way as they had the year prior.

This past Halloween they continued their tradition of dressing up – something Robin now loves to do when it’s with him – with their Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein outfits and makeup to play on their recent wedding. There’s now a picture of the two of them in costume up on the entertainment center alongside their wedding photo. Marshall and Lily were even there to witness it. They flew back to New York for a week to visit, and because of her hectic schedule the only time they could wrangle was the last week in October. Though Lily had really wanted to spend Christmas at home with the gang, it turned out to be a good thing as it was the latest she was allowed to fly anyway. And that meant they all got to share Halloween together instead. All seven of them had a big party out at Ted’s house where Marvin went trick-or-treating with Legendary.

It’s all because of Robin that Barney’s once lonely and empty life is now filled with happy memories like that one – and the one they’re making right now. He is so glad that she’s a guaranteed, permanent part of his life now, that they have this life together and get to share everything with each other. It makes the things he used to hate so much easier to deal with and the things he already enjoyed, like Christmas and Halloween, a million times better experiencing them with her.

Barney hasn’t said anything for a few moments. He’s just staring at her with this funny look on his face so Robin asks, amused, “What?”

His expression softens even further into a warm and tender smile. “I just really love you.”

She grins at that. “Good, cause I really love you too.”

Barney walks around the banister, shrugging out of his overcoat, and Robin admires the handsome figure he cuts in his latest suit, Ogden. “You’re looking particularly attractive today,” she flirtatiously compliments him. “And you’re home early, an extra bonus.”

He straightens his tie smugly in that classic Barney photo pose. “Well that’s what comes from being the boss.”

She hums soft and low. “Yes….You’re completely in charge now. You tell everyone what to do and when to do it at your whim. That is so hot, Barney.”

He smirks in silent reply. She’s always had a thing for corporate power and authority going back as far as the days of Ted’s failed start-up, Mosbius Designs. He used to have quite the time playing to it the first time they were together, and now that he’s the actual CEO – and was responsible for the undercover FBI sting – it’s like catnip for Robin. There’s hardly been a time in his five months on the new job that she’s come to visit him at work and it didn’t end up with the two of them having sex in his office.

“You know what that does to me….” she reminds him, as if he needed the reminder. “But how do you feel having all that influence and power? And popularity too. Everyone says you’re the best thing to happen to the company. It’s all over social media and the trade magazines.”

“Please,” Barney scoffs. “That’s nothing. I’m married to Robin Sparkles. Not to mention one of World Wide News’ most loved reporters. I’ll gladly reap the benefits your power fetish – and at GNB and in the business world I am a very powerful man,” he owns it, letting a bit of slick seduction slip into his tone for her benefit. “But when we were out to dinner last night, which one of us got recognized, twice?”

Robin grins, pleased at that, and it makes Barney smile. His wife has always been one to crave and enjoy that kind of fame and he’s glad it’s finally coming to her.

“Although,” he adds with playful if perhaps partially genuine resentment, “I thought that guy was out of line when he asked you to sign his bare chest. I mean I was right there.”

“Aww,” she laughs, rubbing his shoulder. “But you’re the only one I see – even when I’m signing other men’s bodies.”

Barney hooks his arms around her waist, drawing her body against his. “Oh so you’re gonna make a habit of it, hmm?”

“You never know,” she shrugs mischievously. “Ratings keep getting higher.”

He gives her a cheeky grin and his hands slide down to her hips. “Well come in the bedroom with me. There’s a permanent marker on the desk and I’ve got a certain part of my body I’d love to have you sign.”

Rather than rolling eyes or laughter, like he’d expected, her eyes light up with anticipation. “Can I sign it?” she enthusiastically requests. “I can picture it now: ‘Robin’s property’.”

He grins, his eyes crinkling up at the corners as he nods boastfully. “Luckily I’ve got plenty of room for all those letters to fit.”

Now Robin does laugh, and pulls him into a kiss too. Shivering with excitement in his arms, she grabs his hand eagerly. “Let’s do it!”

“Whoa,” he stops her as she tugs on his arm. “I was kidding. You’re not seriously thinking about writing all over Lil’ Barney, are you?”

“Why not? It’d be insanely sexy to see my name written there. Instant lady boner….No one else is gonna see it but me,” she entices. “We don’t have to use permanent mark....And I’m sure we can think of a way to rub it off afterwards,” she seductively tempts.

This time it’s Barney’s eyes that light up as he reaches down and grabs her hand in his. “Let’s go….”

Robin giggles, hurrying with him down the hall. “And then we decorate the tree! But Legendary’s been in the water already so you’ll have to refill.”

Barney grimaces. Having a real tree can be challenging but it’s become their tradition now and he can tell Robin loves decorating it and doing up their apartment in grand style for Christmas. Maybe because it’s a cold weather holiday? Whatever the reason, every year he’s going to give it to her no matter what it takes.

“I know,” she commiserates. “It’s a lot of work. But I got us spiked eggnog and a Christmas themed – ”

“Snack?” he interrupts. “Tell me it’s a gingerbread house that I can cut a hole in the floor of.”

She shoots him a sexy little look. “You could consider it a snack. It all depends on what you’re looking to eat….” she tells him suggestively. “It’s a Christmas themed nightie for after all the decorating. In case you’re feeling ‘festive’ a second time tonight.”

He stops just inside their bedroom, pinning her with a look. “Oh, Robin. How many years have you known me?”

“You’re right,” she nods, deadpan. “Barney Stinson is always feeling ‘festive’.”

“Can you blame him when he’s married to Robin Scherbatsky? I can promise you, your husband is going to be feeling intensely ‘festive’ a second and a third time before the night is over – and maybe some more times besides if I don’t tucker you out first.”

She reaches for him, running her hands over his chest. “I’m feeling pretty ‘festive’ right now….Let’s get to marking my territory,” she murmurs, already unfastening his belt and going for his zipper next.

“Merry Christmas to me,” he growls.

“Ooh! Speaking of, can we decorate him too? Instead of a star maybe put a little hat on top? A top hat!”

She’s got his pants completely undone now and Barney eagerly rushes to keep up, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and pulling it over her head. “How about we put Lil’ Robin on top?”

“That can be arranged…..” Robin whispers appreciatively. “Off the bed, Legendary,” she instructs their puppy as she goes to the desk to grab a marker. Holding her husband’s gaze in a heated look of pure sex, she announces, “It’s human playtime.”

Legendary knows what that means. To avoid the noise, rocking bed, and flying clothes that are soon to come, with a wagging tails he ambles down the hallway to wait it out in the living room, content to enjoy another drink from the new tree that’s sprouted up in the corner.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: This got so much longer than I originally anticipated! I’m not sure if that will keep being the case with the other chapters; it’s really anyone’s guess. I have specific things I want to cover in each year (scenes and dialogue and so forth) and it’s just a matter of where the stories go from there. Sometimes there ends up being more there than I imagined and sometimes less, so we’ll see.

To be refreshed on additional happenings of 2013: Barney and Robin’s honeymoon was featured in the chapter for 9.16; Robin and Barney’s trip to Canada can be found in my oneshot “Canada Day”, though keep in mind I wrote it back in 2012 before the events of 9.12 and Barney’s Canada appreciation so there’s a bit more Canada mockery in that one than perhaps Barney would be doing anymore (though I can’t see him giving it up entirely if just for the fun of teasing her!); the details of the GNB bust are in 9.15’s chapter; and Barney and Robin’s half anniversary in November of 2013 can be found in the chapter for 9.07.

Also, someone asked in a review which chapter featured the brief flashback to Robin and Barney going to her aunt’s farm to give up her dogs. That was in the chapter for 8.05. (And while I don’t usually respond directly to reviews, mostly because sometimes I get behind, I just want to thank all of you who’ve taken the time to write a review. I read and appreciate all of them. Your responses truly do mean a lot to me, and I thank you all for your kind words.)

The next chapter is all about 2014! But I’ll be updating “A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings” first so there will be a bit of a break in between.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 2013 (The First Seven Married Months)

2014-07-11T17:10:04Z

Previous Chapters

AN: This is my no means an uninterrupted and steady account of everything that happens to them between 2013 and 2030. Instead it will be little vignettes meant to be glimpses into those years, like opening up a time portal and saying “Okay, yeah, that’s what Barney and Robin are doing at that specific point in time”. But it will hopefully give a larger idea of what their marriage and future together is like.

However, if you are looking for angst then you might as well read no further. While there will be a couple chapter years that deal with things of a more serious nature, this is unabashedly a happy ending. Barney and Robin are by no means perfect and will surely have little spats like Marshall and Lily or like any normal and real couple do, but this story is going to focus on the happy and positive moments because those are the things that really matter in life and those are the things that you remember as the years go by.

I myself will never understand the fascination with watching characters suffer for the sake of it and then calling that “realistic”. Contrary to what Carter Bays said, I don’t believe you have to have lived some real life to “appreciate the beauty” of that kind of suffering. I think it may be just the opposite. Those who are mature and who have lived and have suffered in their real life mostly have no desire to relive that in a fictional world. In other words, it is my firm belief that real life is hard enough so fictional stories for our enjoyment and pleasure should always have happy endings. And, indeed, HIMYM in true canon from 1.01– 9.22 has always been a positive tale leading up to a happy ending for ALL of its characters, so I feel like the happy ending I’m writing here is very in keeping with that same tone, spirit, and message.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

2013 (The First Seven Married Months)

On June 10^th Barney and Robin arrive back in New York City after two glorious weeks spent in Belize. Ranjit meets them at the airport with a giant “Hello!” followed by hugs and he drives them back home, helping them upstairs with their luggage before heading out to let the newlyweds settle in alone.

The main idea was to shower after their long flight, maybe do a little unpacking before heading out for some dinner and then stopping by the breeder’s place to pick up Legendary and bring him home once and for all. But when they step back inside their apartment the plans to shower and unpack get put on hold in lieu of admiring the new changes. While they were on honeymoon Barney had one of his “guys” bring in all the stuff they bought and get it setup throughout the apartment, making the various rooms ‘puppy ready’ for them when they returned. On top of that, while they’re checking out the new little additions here and there throughout the living room Barney discovers a DVD disc waiting for them on the kitchen bar. It turns out it’s their wedding and reception footage, all finished and edited, that came in from the videographer last week. Lily used her key to leave it as a welcome home present for them alongside their now updated Barney & Robin: Lovers Forever and Ever and Ever, A Love Story scrapbook.

Curiosity gets the better of them and they end up putting the disc into the Blu-ray player to relive their wedding from the observer’s point of view. Watching how very noticeably happy and in love they were on their wedding day – and both know they always will be – soon leads to them fooling around….and they never do unpack. But they eventually make it into the shower – together – and then manage to change and get ready to head out for dinner.

Standing in the living room once more, Robin looks at her husband, freshly suited up and smelling amazing as he always does but particularly so when he’s straight from the shower, and she just has to laugh at his still-braided blond hair. She’s seen him like this for two days now but she still can’t get used to it. Reaching up, she lightly sets her hand to the back of his head overtop the braids. “I want to get that hair back to normal. You have to hurry up and make good on your bet so I can run my fingers through it again.”

“I wore it home this way,” Barney maintains. “That was technically all the bet entailed.”

“Yes, but Lily and Marshall have got to see it and they’re both busy till tomorrow.”

Barney frowns as he slowly realizes, “And we won’t see Ted until Friday….”

It’s still a little hard to believe that Ted won’t be moving to Chicago after all. They received a surprise text from him a few days into the honeymoon and it was so shocking they had to take a five minute break from doing their honeymoon – which mostly meant doing each other – to get Ted on the phone and verify that it was actually true. And indeed it was. The move to Chicago had fallen through after the company Ted had been hired to work for folded and went under just like that. It turned out they’d been in financial trouble for a long time but were keeping it from the public and their own employees in the hopes that they could turn it around. The CEO and the board of directors had an emergency meeting the night of the wedding and decided to just liquidate the company, which meant the end of Ted’s move.

Ted told them he knew it had to be something serious when he received a call at 1 a.m. – midnight Chicago time – while taking the train back into the city. But he insisted things had turned out for the best because he’d met some amazing woman at the station while waiting for the train. The two of them are apparently an item now.

Barney and Robin are all set to hear the full story come Friday night when they’re meeting Ted and his new girlfriend for drinks at MacLaren’s. Barney is over the moon at the news and Robin, for her part, couldn’t be happier. Barney can keep his bro now, everyone gets to have what they want, and she doesn’t have to feel the least bit to blame for the group splitting up.

“Don’t worry,” Robin tells him, bringing her other hand up to his neck as she presses her lips to his. “I’ll let you off the hook with Ted. I want Normal Barney back before then. Vacation Barney has got to go. We’ll just show Ted the pictures. But Marshall and Lily have to see it in person. You can consider it our going away present to them.”

After that they head out to dinner which they both rush through in their excitement to get to the breeder’s. There everything goes as planned and although it’s been nearly four weeks since they’ve seen him the little puppy somehow seems to recognize them. Robin puts his first collar on him with his name, Legendary Stinson, engraved into the silver tag and then she attaches his first leash so they can take him out into the waiting cab and the beginning of their new life as a family.

Barney and Robin sit closely together in the back of the cab as always and in the close proximity their legs press together, forming a bridge for the little dog to keep walking across, back and forth from one lap to the other while he makes himself reacquainted with his new parents. He loves them both. Even so soon, the immediate bond is apparent. Robin has all the experience with dogs and already Legendary responds to her as the one in charge here but with a gentle, loving authority that makes him adore her. And Barney is just too much fun for an animal not to love. Already he’s fallen into the role of the indulgent parent who will let Legendary get away with murder, which naturally the little puppy is taken with. Robin just silently smiles to herself, wondering how long that will last once Barney’s first pair of shoes is chewed up.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” she asks in amusement as she watches their new puppy lick Barney’s chin.

“Absolutely. I loved having Brover, and Legendary is even more awesome.” Barney smiles over into his wife’s eyes. “And he’s ours, which automatically makes him a cut above the rest.”

Once they make it back to the apartment they give Legendary a chance to slowly adjust to his new home, exploring and taking it all in. It’s no surprise the puppy loves his posh surroundings and all the fancy new things they have for him. Any time Barney’s involved in the buying it’s going to be top of the line and Legendary’s belongings are no exception. From his water and food dishes to his toys and luxurious, spacious bed in the corner of their bedroom that’s really more a miniature chaise lounge than what most people would picture of a ‘dog bed’, everything is state of the art.

But, of course, like many young puppies Legendary doesn’t want to stay in his bed the first night. He’d rather climb up onto the big bed to be with his mom and dad. Each and every time he does one of the two of them pick him up and bring him back over to his bed, but a second later he’s right back up with them. They’re not even sure how he manages it since he’s so little and their bed’s somewhat tall. But where there’s a will there’s a way and he keeps climbing back up until finally they give up, give in, and let him stay.

But as far as Barney is concerned Legendary’s presence won’t slow down his amorous intentions one bit. They’ve been making out for the past ten minutes now. He’s got Robin undeniably in the mood and they’re taking this the rest of the way home if he has anything to say about it. He just scoots the puppy down to the foot of the bed and goes back to kissing his wife. “It’s a big bed. We can work around him,” he murmurs against her lips.

Seconds later he’s peeling off her t-shirt and tossing it behind his shoulder. It lands over Legendary’s head – a fact they’re too into each other to notice were it not for the slight jingle of his shaking collar while the puppy tries to free himself.

They both look down to the foot of the bed at the poor fella’s predicament. “Aww,” Robin commiserates.

Barney rolls off of Robin and sits up to help him. “Hey, that’s the dangers of the bedroom, little guy,” he informs Legendary, petting behind his ear once he frees him. “You’ll understand one day. I’ll wingman you out and get you laid for the first time. Then you’ll know what it’s all about and you won’t blame me.”

Robin shoots him a playful frown as he settles back down against her. “Is that what you call our first married night back home? Getting you laid?”

He bends down, nuzzling his nose against hers as his hands find her bare skin beneath the sheets. “I call it making love to my incredibly hot wife with sex that I know will be so phenomenal I don’t want either one of us to miss out.”

“Hmm, I’ll allow it – though it sounds suspiciously like pandering.”

“And do you mind?” he asks knowingly.

“Not at all,” she admits cheekily. “I like to be indulged. And I want the same thing as you do.”

She pulls him down to her and a minute into making out again they finish undressing each other. Barney’s pajama bottoms get lost somewhere inside the covers, but Robin’s panties narrowly miss getting stuck on Legendary’s tail.

One thing leads to a passionate other and things progress quickly from there. Robin has her legs wrapped around Barney’s waist and their lovemaking is just starting to get athletic when they hear a little whimper from Legendary.

Robin pulls her mouth from Barney’s. “Did you hear him?

“Yeah,” Barney replies, preoccupied by being inside her. “Yeah, he applauds our skills,” he says offhandedly, setting his lips to her neck.

Still looking down at Legendary, she nudges Barney’s shoulders to get his full attention. “No, you don’t get it. Dogs can be very territorial and protective. He might not understand. He might think you’re attacking me and either be scared to death or do something to try and protect me.”

“Oh. Okay.” Barney hadn’t thought of it that way but he doesn’t want to traumatize the little puppy – or get a chunk right out of his bum. “Do we need to stop?” he asks reluctantly.

Robin bites her lip, weighing it out. She doesn’t want to frighten the dog, which she thinks is far more likely in Legendary’s case then provoking an incident, but she’s enjoying herself too much and doesn’t want to stop either. She glances down the length of the bed to Legendary’s furry little head and then back up at Barney who’s still paused in his motions. He’s gazing down at her so handsome and earnest and, though she knows it’s the last thing he wants, completely willing to stop without a word of protest if she says she thinks they should. Leaning up, she kisses him hard. “No. There’s no way we’re stopping. I’ll just get on top.”

“Then he’ll think you’re attacking me,” Barney protests, not wanting Robin to get bitten either.

Robin laughs at that. “You’re bigger than I am. He won’t think I’m attacking you. And this way he’ll be able to clearly see us both and recognize that we’re enjoying it. Then he’ll learn and understand that it’s normal; it’s just the two of us playing together.”

“Good,” Barney manages as he changes up their positions. “He needs to understand that even more than he needs to learn my suits are off limits. Cause as our dog he’s gonna witness an awful lot of us having sex.”

“Damn straight,” Robin agrees and they high five. Sitting up against his thighs, she looks down at him, running her hands over his chest. No matter how many times she’s seen his naked body – and she just saw it near constantly on their two week honeymoon – it never, ever loses its appeal. “Now where were we?” she whispers, leaning down over him to bring her mouth back to his.

After that there’s a lot of laughing and touching and kissing, and it’s clear to Legendary that Robin and Barney are simply having fun with each other so he isn’t afraid anymore. But the shaking of the bed and all the rolling around his new parents are doing soon becomes wearisome. Seeking out some peace and quiet, he finally voluntarily breaks in his new bed. And by the time Barney and Robin are finished the little puppy realizes it’s not so bad in the $1,200 dog bed after all.

He spends the entire night there and a ritual is set. From then on Legendary shares the big bed with his parents until they start to get frisky. Then he retires to his own swanky doggy chaise lounge across the room where he beds down for the remainder of the night.

****

The next day Robin has to go back to work, but Barney still has some time off and he stays home with Legendary. It’s fortunate for him anyhow since his hair is still in Vacation Barney mode, a look that would be endlessly ridiculed at GNB – though he’s actually at the point of not even much minding his hair like this anymore. In fact, in their two weeks away he’s grown quite accustomed to all of island living, particularly the wearing little to no clothes part to the point that it’s hard getting used to covering all up again. Even now he has on a light grey summer suit with no tie and his shirt copiously unbuttoned.

Later that evening, he’s all set to meet back up with Robin at MacLaren’s so the two of them can have one last drink with Lily and Marshall before they head off to Italy. But Robin is late and Marshall is still upstairs with Marvin waiting for Mickey to come watch him, so for now it’s just Barney and Lily.

He starts filling her in on how amazing Belize was, but unfortunately for him Lily hasn’t forgotten his comment back in Farhampton and Barney soon finds himself sprawled out on the barroom floor with an aching groin – and not in the good way. Marshall shows up seconds later to appreciate both Barney’s pain and his hilarious hairdo.

By the time Barney is recovered and back on his feet, preparing to make a clever comeback, he gets a call from Robin. “Hey, babe,” he answers the phone still a little out of breath. “You’re running late. You said 5:30 and it’s already ten to six.”

“Barney, something awful happened,” Robin tells him with panic in her voice. “I stopped home to check on Legendary before going to MacLaren’s and the apartment above ours had caught on fire. It spread down to our floor. Legendary and I both made it out okay but I think our apartment is a total loss.”

“Oh my god. Stay there; I’m coming right away!”

It’s an agonizing twenty-three minute ride for Barney but when he arrives at their building he doesn’t discern any damage from the outside, nor does he see any fire trucks. But he figures maybe the engines are around back, and they do live on a high floor. It’s possible he just can’t see the damage from down on the ground. By the time he gets into the lobby however – with residents coming and going calmly, no trace of firemen to be found, and their usual doorman at his post not reporting anything out of the ordinary – it’s clear to Barney that something else is going on here.

When he gets up to their floor he finds Robin in her bathrobe standing outside their apartment door. “Well obviously there was no fire.”

“No,” Robin admits, “but don’t be mad at me. I had to make good on a promise.” Barney gives her a confused look, not mad, simply perplexed, so she explains. “I promised you at our rehearsal dinner that I’d get you back. I had to come through on that. And I didn’t vow to always be honest with you. But right now I will. From now on, no more lies – not from either one of us and not even for surprises. We can still surprise each other, just without the lies. Because, Barney Stinson, from this day forward I am always going to be honest with you, cause I love you.”

Barney wraps his arms around her waist, shaking his head. “You are a little sociopath, just like me.”

“We’re perfectly suited then,” Robin laughs, drawing him into a kiss.

“Well you certainly got me back,” he tells her once they break apart. “You scared the living daylights out of me. I had no idea.”

“Oh, this wasn’t getting you back. The whole fire thing was just the misdirection to get you here.”

“Huh?” Barney asks, again befuddled.

“If this was all there is that would just be mean,” she frowns. “No. You gave me an amazing surprise, the rehearsal dinner of my dreams. So I’m giving you a surprise from your dreams.”

“Mmm,” he hums, playing with the neckline of her robe. “I like the sound of that. Although, frankly, I’m not sure there’s anything left from my dreams that we haven’t already done.”

“Oh there is. But the surprise isn’t sex. The surprise is what I’ve got on under this robe…..And all of this,” Robin reveals, opening the door to their apartment and watching, thrilled, as he first glimpses it.

She’s organized a Space Teens reunion for him, complete with Alan Thicke and Jessica Glitter – and Robin Sparkles too, of course. While her husband steps inside, taking it all in, she hurries to lose the robe and don the wig. They’ve all got their original costumes and as many set pieces as she could wrangle on such short notice. She has their entire living room transformed into the Space Teens set. Even the robot and beaver puppets are here. She’d planned it all out on the second day of their honeymoon after twenty-four hours of nearly constant sex led Barney to fall asleep out on their bungalow’s back porch. His little nap was all the opportunity she needed to make the necessary calls without him having any idea.

In the here and now Barney turns from viewing the room’s transformation to look at his wife and sees that Robin is fully decked out now too in her character’s Space Teens outfit. She’s got the blonde wig on complete with the big blue bow, blue leggings with the white flouncy skirt overtop and black studded belt, four inch heels on her feet, and the skintight stripped shirt that shows off even the slightest jiggle of her breasts when she moves – and Barney’s eyes are always glued to even the tiniest Robin jiggle.

Robin instructs him to sit down on the couch, which is now facing the window where most of the set is in place, and she, Jessica, and Alan act out a scene from an original script to Barney’s utter delight. Then she and Jessica give another full performance of “The Beaver Song” – filthy lyrics and all – promising to “lick it side-by-side” because “it will taste so good”.

Afterwards they all stick around and chat for a bit. Alan was there at their wedding but although Robin had invited her Jessica had missed it. Their little reunion back in 2010 hasn’t changed much. They still only communicate through Christmas cards, now with an added ‘Happy Birthday’ text. Nevertheless, Jessica had once been a big part of her life and despite what happened since then Robin wanted to extend an invitation to her wedding.

Jessica really did want to be there too. She was planning to come but she’d just given birth to her second child four days before the wedding and therefore couldn’t attend. But she expresses a desire to see some pictures of what she missed, claiming, “I knew from that one night at the Hoser Hut that you two were crazy about each other.”

While they don’t yet have the professional wedding pictures back they offer to show her the video that just arrived, but Jessica has to get back to her son and Alan is in the early stages of planning a reality show and has to head out too, and Barney and Robin soon find themselves alone with Legendary in their Space Teens transformed living room.

Smiling, Barney turns to look at her, still blown away by what she’s pulled off for him. “We could keep the stripper pole, you know.”

“It’s not a stripper pole,” Robin defends. “It’s a transportation device from one floor of the spaceship to the next to provide the most proficient and – Fine,” she concedes, “it kinda looks like a stripper pole.”

“See,” he crows. “And we could keep it. Have nightly performances.”

“You wish.”

“Yep. I do,” he admits, nodding.

“Well it’s not staying, just like we weren’t doing “Weekend at Barney’s” for our wedding. But….as long as it’s up right now, maybe later tonight I could use it just this once while you watch,” she tantalizingly offers.

“Man, did I marry the right woman,” Barney proclaims.

“Yeah ya did. Now tell me what happened at the bar,” Robin asks, sitting down on the couch. “Did they both see your hair?”

“Yes,” he replies, sitting down beside her.

“And they both loved it?”

“They both pointed and laughed if that’s what you mean – and pulled out their cameras to take a picture. But I don’t care. I make even this look good.”

“It doesn’t look terrible,” she allows. “But I prefer you the way I married you. And now that Marshall and Lily have seen it, the hair can go,” she happily announces.

“The mockery over my hair wasn’t even the worst of it. Wait till I tell you what else happened…..”

Over the next few minutes Barney winds up lying across the couch with his head in Robin’s lap while she works on unbraiding his hair and he tells her what happened at the bar. “….and in the middle of my story about Belize, Lily suddenly just brutally knees me in the groin.”

“And you did nothing to provoke it? I find that hard to believe. Turn you head,” she instructs, getting to work on the last side. As she weaves her fingers through his hair Robin can’t help but think he’s something of a sight at the moment – his head still one quarter braided with the other three quarters of hair kinked out oddly, and his skin is so tanned at the moment. She wonders if she’s as tanned as he is. Probably, since they were both nearly or entirely naked so much of the time, but sometimes it’s hard to be a proper judge of your own skin. That is, after all, how her tanning addiction started years ago.

“I may have done something indirectly,” Barney confesses, enjoying the feel of her fingers moving against his scalp as she frees his hair. “Back during our wedding weekend Lily asked me if her outfit made her look fat and I said maybe a little around the hips.”

“Barney.”

“Hey, I was just being honest. I didn’t think I said anything wrong. Why ask a question like that if you don’t want a real answer? And that was before I knew she was pregnant.”

With the last of his braids undone now, she instructs him to get up and she does the same, running her fingers all throughout his hair to work out the tangles. It’s not exactly normal after being tied up for so long but a shampooing and blow-dry will fix that. “So why did she wait until now to get payback?”

“She said it was because of the wedding and she was waiting to deal with my comment until after I got back from the honeymoon.”

“That makes sense, I guess,” Robin nods. “Aldrin justice.”

“Don’t I get any sympathy?” Barney pouts. “She kneed me so hard in the crotch I fell down on the floor and everything.”

“Do you want me to massage it for you?” she offers.

“Yes. Definitely.”

Robin smiles, kissing him deeply as she reaches down to unfasten his belt. “Is Lil’ Barney still in working order?” she asks, and as her fingers unzip his pants she quickly gets her answer. “Yes, yes he is….” Barney just nods, smiling in enjoyment as she presses her lips to his neck. “Not that I should be surprised. You once called Space Teens ‘a big ol bowl of pornflakes’. If anything would heal you, our little performance should have definitely done the trick.”

“It wasn’t the performance. It’s all you, right now.” She gives him a doubtful look. “….And okay, a little bit the performance too, but mostly you right now.”

Robin laughs, tilting her head toward the old prop set on the other side of the room. “Wanna do it on the control panel?”

Barney smiles devilishly down at her. “You gonna pull on my joystick?” he invites, referencing the infamous Space Teens episode they all watched together.

She slides her hand into his pants, doing just that. “There you go.”

“Oh yeah. We’re gonna do it on the control panel.” He kisses her passionately, running his hands over her body as he leads her across the room, never breaking the kiss.

“We’ll have to hurry,” she says against his lips. “Lily and Marshall are leaving tomorrow and this really is our sendoff to them. They’re meeting us here in an hour.”

“I can do an hour…..” He moves his hand down to cup her butt, pressing her against him, while his other hand slides up into her hair. It’s only then that she realizes she still has the Robin Sparkles wig on. She reaches up to remove it but he stops her. “Leave it on. Leave the entire costume on. Just take off the leggings.” Then his mouth is on her neck, sucking at her skin.

She sighs softly at what he’s doing but has to point out, “You do realize I was only sixteen when I made this show? Wanting me to keep the costume on is kind of pervy don’t you think?”

“It’s not like I want some random sixteen year old,” he reasons. “But my wife was hot back then and I still lust after her now.” Barney grins as the lyric occurs to him and he sings it to her. “You’re my favorite beaver.”

She giggles softly. “You know it. The best one you’ve ever had.”

“Absolutely,” he agrees, kissing her again.

“Then come on,” Robin encourages, hoisting herself up on the control panel and pulling him to her by his hips. “Let’s work out that mathematical problem of how much wood my hungry beaver can devour in half an hour.”

Barney laughs lustfully as he reaches for her, thoroughly loving her surprise.

And it is, indeed, the last of their big surprise capers. They still surprise one another with nice, sweet little things for the fun of it, because they love each, and they even still have huge surprises from time to time on par with Barney’s bro mitzvah and Robin’s rehearsal dinner. But no more of their surprises require or ever use any lies. From that night on they simply satisfy their craving for crafty plays and schemes through occasional public roleplaying where they pretend to be strangers who pick each other up. And Night Falcon and Fire Eagle remain with them for years to come.

****

Marshall and Lily leave for Italy the next day with Ted driving them to the airport. Since Barney and Robin both have to work that morning they don’t get to come so each already said their goodbyes the night before.

Neither one of them has yet to even see Ted since the wedding. Monday their flight didn’t arrive until late afternoon and then they were just settling back in and didn’t see any of their friends. The only place they wanted to go was out to a quick dinner, to pick up Legendary, and back home. Then for the next three nights Ted’s busy with plans with his mysterious new girlfriend – dinner reservations and theater tickets and an art gala. But on Friday he had nothing particular planned so they all agreed to MacLaren’s at eight where Robin and Barney will finally get the chance to meet this woman of Ted’s.

Barney and Robin walk into the bar with their arms around each other’s waist and from his place in their booth Ted can immediately tell how island rested and happy they both are. “Hey guys,” he greets, standing up to hug them. “You both look tanned.”

“We were outside pretty much the entire time,” Robin informs him.

As they arrange themselves in the booth, Barney and Robin with their backs to the bar and Ted on the other side facing the door still waiting for his date to arrive, he asks them, “How was Belize?” They both make an unintelligible sound of pure enjoyment. “That good, huh?” Ted smiles.

“We swam in the ocean, did some cave tubing and scuba diving. The beaches were gorgeous,” Robin enthuses. “The weather was perfect. The food was phenomenal.”

Barney can’t take it anymore and interrupts his wife’s chaste list, bursting to tell his exciting news. “And Robin showed me how to have sex on a windsurfing board!”

“Ahh,” Ted nods. “That sounds more like it. So that’s how Belize really was, like, 95% of the time, right?”

Barney grins lasciviously. Robin looks over at him and mirrors the same smile, not even trying to deny it anymore. “Yes, it was,” she freely owns it. “Our honeymoon was 99% sex. Amazing sex.”

“Depraved, island sex,” Barney puts in with a leer for his new wife. Robin leers right back and the two high five. It’s either that or start making out – and they only just got here. “That’s the way it should be. If your honeymoon isn’t 99% sex you’re doing something wrong.”

“But enough about all the amazing sex we’re having; that’s a given,” she shrugs. “What about you and this new girlfriend of two weeks that you’re so mad about? We tried to pump Lily and Marshall for information but they said you swore them to secrecy. You wanted to be the one to reveal her. So…?” she asks Ted, excited for him and excited to hear more about this new woman in their lives. “Tell us all about this wonderful girl.”

“Yeah, when I first heard your move was off I was happy,” Barney reveals, “ but I thought you might be bummed…..I know you wanted a fresh start, and you said it would be a great opportunity for you.”

“It was. But so is Tracy. I know it’s still early but I think that she’s my fresh start. She’s something I don’t ever want to miss out on.”

It’s evident by the way he says it that he’s absolutely smitten with this girl – and not even in a Ted way this time. In a real way. “I’m happy for you, Ted,” Robin tells him sincerely.

“Mm-hmm, me too,” Barney seconds. “So Tracy is her name? And what is it about this Tracy that makes her so special and perfect for you?” He gives Ted a knowing look. “Great set of cans, right?” he says, gesturing it out on his own chest. Robin smiles, rolling her eyes and shaking head at such a typically Barney statement. “No, seriously,” he laughs. “Give us the heads-up before we meet her.”

“Well, she’s charming and funny…..and she just gets me,” Ted muses. “We have the exact same sense of humor. She’s quirky and sweet and friendly – and yes, Barney, she has a fantastic figure. We’ve been practically inseparable since our first date three days after your wedding.”

“I noticed. It took us all week to make it onto your schedule,” Barney ribs. “So when is this magical woman going to get here?”

“Speak of her and she shall appear,” Ted replies, already sliding out of the booth because he just spotted her walking into the bar. After quickly kissing her hello, he turns back to them. “Barney, Robin, I’d like you to meet Tracy McConnell.”

“Oh my god,” Barney cries, turning to Robin. “It’s the same girl.” Robin nods, equally surprised. “Ted,” he exclaims, “this is the same girl, the bass player I tried to set you up with at our wedding.”

“I know,” Ted laughs. He and Tracy are both laughing. “I made Lily and Marshall promise not to say anything.”

“I told you she was perfect for you!” Barney gloats as Ted and Tracy sit down in the booth. “But you didn’t want to meet her.”

“She was beautiful,” Ted remembers, glancing over at Tracy. “I was instantly attracted. I wanted to talk to her, but it seemed pointless when I was leaving in a matter of hours.”

“It was all a remarkable stroke of fate,” Tracy puts in.

“I think the Universe really was giving us a sign this time,” Ted tells them.

“I think so,” Tracy agrees. “I’d been in this relationship for a while because it was safe and convenient and I’d only just ended it,” she explains. “Just the night before your wedding I’d decided I needed to find someone I could actually fall in love with. And then I met Ted.”

“Everything just fell into place without us even trying,” Ted concurs.

Tracy nods to her boyfriend. “We’ve worked it out since then and realized so many pieces of the puzzle had to come together just to get us in the same place at the same time.” She turns back to Robin and Barney. “Your other band fell through and then Ted ran into my old roommate on the subway, otherwise I wouldn’t have even been playing at your wedding.”

“And Tracy had to stay to finish out the reception. We would have never met if it wasn’t for the rain making my train late so she ended up waiting for the same one.”

“And then there was our yellow umbrella……” Tracy smiles.

“Yes. You’ll never believe this,” Ted keenly tells Barney and Robin. “I saw her again at the station and I recognized she was the same girl, the bass player from your wedding.”

“It helped that I had my case with me,” Tracy teases him.

“Doesn’t matter. I would have recognized your face anyway,” he smiles to her before turning his attention back to Robin and Barney. “But I still wouldn’t have talked to her for all those same reasons. What’s the point in even trying to make a connection when I was leaving? And then I saw her yellow umbrella. I’ve never been able to locate another one exactly like the one I found in that club on Saint Patrick’s Day. I used to love that umbrella. It was too weird of a coincidence. I had to go over and find out if it was the same one.”

“So he accused me of stealing his umbrella.”

“I did not!” Ted defends and Tracy laughs.

“And then I recognized him as that funny professor who was in the wrong class back when I was taking Econ 305.”

“….We talked the whole time on the platform under our umbrella.”

“And the whole time on the train. I liked him right away,” Tracy reveals to Barney and Robin. “But he was very upfront that he was leaving in the morning, and it was a shame too because it seemed like there could really be something between us. Then he got the call that his firm had gone under, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been so happy to hear someone just lost their job.”

“I was never so happy to lose a job. It felt like it honestly was fate this time,” Ted expresses. “I wasn’t forcing it in any way.”

“So on our first date when I saw my ex, got spooked, and thought it was too soon for me to be dating, I tried to end things and –

“Oh no,” Robin groans, disheartened.

“What’d you do, Ted? Barney asks with equal disdain.

“Nothing,” Ted replies, slightly offended. “I did nothing.”

“He didn’t,” Tracy verifies, amused. “His biggest mistake was trying to take me to a Scottish/Mexican fusion restaurant.”

“A what?” Barney asks, disgusted.

“But he didn’t do anything to try to pressure me to stay. He actually started to leave.”

“Because I knew if it was meant to be,” Ted asserts, “then I wouldn’t have to force it at all, and – ”

“And he didn’t, because I called him back,” Tracy interjects, and already Barney and Robin notice they’re finishing each other’s sentences.

“She called me back and she kissed me,” Ted grins.

“You kissed me too,” Tracy bouncily insists.

“It was a mutual kissing,” Ted agrees and they grin at each other, then back to their newlywed friends. “And get this, she has a calligraphy set – and a coin collection, and driving gloves.”

“I frequent renaissance fairs too. No one ever wants to come with me; I don’t know why,” Tracy ponders. “But this year we’re going together. I finally have a renaissance fair buddy!”

Barney and Robin exchange a look at the way she pronounces it just like Ted, and he guesses what they’re thinking.

“I didn’t teach her that either.” He turns to Tracy explaining, “They always tease me about the way I say ‘renaissance’.”

“Why would you have to teach me?” Tracy marvels. “That’s the proper pronunciation.”

“Wow,” Robin observes. “You guys are perfect for each other.”

“And we met thanks to you,” Ted says. “….Which is fitting because you did promise me all those years ago that you’d help me find her.”

“Yes, I did,” Robin smiles.

“What about you two?” Tracy asks her and Barney. “How was your honeymoon?”

“Mm, incredible,” Robin sighs, looking to her husband.

“Amazing,” Barney echoes. The look stretches out between them and they slowly lean closer together. Robin is the first to move the rest of the way in and start kissing him, and in the very next second they’re enthusiastically making out in the booth at MacLaren’s.

“Okay,” Tracy says, mildly startled. “I guess so….I feel like we shouldn’t be watching this,” she says to Ted.

“Oh you’ll have to get used to them. They’re like this all the time. You should have been around a few years back. We’d have to all but turn the hose on them.”

Robin pauses in their kissing, muttering against Barney’s mouth, “We can hear you, you know.”

Barney kisses her once more. “Turn the hose on us all you like. It still won’t stop R-Train and B-Nasty from gettin’ busy.” However, he does ease a respectable space apart, although he keeps his arm around her and his opposite hand on her thigh as he tells Tracy, “And we do owe it in part to you. After Robin and I dated the first time I never stopped loving her. By some miracle we were able to stay best friends, and over the next three years there were some near misses. I wanted to be with her more than anything but after everything that had happened I was gun-shy and….” He hesitates for only a second before just admitting it now; there’s no reason not to. “I was afraid, afraid to put myself out there only to get hurt again.” Though the others can’t see it, underneath the table Robin reaches for Barney’s hand on her thigh, entwining their fingers. “You gave me the perspective and courage I needed to really pursue Robin and just lay it all out on the line this time. I don’t know if I would have gotten there on my own, and it may have been too late when I did.”

“Yes, and your advice to me helped too,” Robin thanks her. “I’d always been terrified of marriage and I was freaking out until I ran into you and you told me to just calm down and breathe and then think it through.”

“Well I just wish I could have said something more,” Tracy responds. “But I didn’t know you then. I mean I still don’t really know you now – not yet. I hope to….”

“Me too,” Robin assures her with a kind smile. And she genuinely means it. Tracy seems like a cool person, and it might be nice to have another true female friend, especially with Lily gone for a year.

“If I’d seen then what I’ve seen now,” Tracy continues, “just watching the two of you together for three seconds I would have been able to instantly see you’re crazy in love.”

“We really are,” Robin agrees, glancing over to her husband, and Barney leans in to kiss her again.

Both couples stick around for a couple hours after that, talking and drinking and getting to know each other. But by the time it gets to be just after eleven Barney announces they have to get back home.

“We have a new puppy waiting for us,” Robin offers by way of explanation to Tracy.

“Yeah,” Barney nods. “And we don’t like to leave Legendary alone for too long….”

Ted gives him a look that clearly communicates he doesn’t believe them.

“Okay, fine,” Barney admits with a grin. “We’re actually heading back home for some legendary ‘alone time’.”

“Translated to: you guys are gonna be rounding third base in the cab?” Ted guesses.

Barney gives him his on the nose gesture. “Legendary!” he smirks.

Part Two

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, Author's Note

2014-07-11T17:03:31Z

Author’s Note on the Future Set Chapters

Since 9.23/9.24 diverged so far from the rest of the show I felt it was necessary before posting the future set chapters to make clear where that AU atrocity differs from canon elements and what will therefore show up in my story (and what won’t) so that people aren’t confused or wonder why they’re seeing certain elements included but not others. I was going to make this an author’s note on the first future chapter but there was so much wrong with 9.23/9.24 to touch upon that it grew too long.

I’ve already stated that canon ends in 9.22 but, just to clarify, what that means is that I do not accept ANY part of that last episode as canon other than the first 6 ½ minutes, literally stopping at the 6 minute and 30 second mark (for those of you, like me, who had the misfortune of actually watching it uncut, that means ending right after Ted and Barney are icing their hands). I accept the scenes of the reception, and the gang saying goodbye on the hotel porch, and the Robin Sparkles scene that got cut, because all of that does follow canon and clearly was shot and written at a different time (you know, not nearly a decade ago!) which is why it has a completely different feel and tone than the rest of that mess. But everything after that goes awry in some way or another and won’t show up in my story as it does not match the rest of HIMYM’s canon.

So once again: anything else from that episode I do not in any way, shape, or form recognize, acknowledge, or accept – including the entirety of the future the AU 2006 script presents. No part of that trash will appear in this story. The only things that will show up in my future set chapters are things that have been touched upon in a prior episode in the true canon range of 1.01- 9.22 (or 9.23 at the 6:30 mark). Most notably, for this story that means:

Ted and the Mother meet in a slightly different fashion because even that they got wrong. The yellow umbrella was supposed to be the main reason the two of them met. That’s why the yellow umbrella is the ‘how Dad and Mom met’ story that the kids already knew, because that was the short version and all the rest is just the particulars on the long journey of how Ted became who he needed to be (which of course included the more elaborate details, like how the mother got hired to play in Barney and Robin’s wedding band in the first place). Ted was supposed to talk to the Mother, or she was supposed to go talk to him, because of the yellow umbrella (and 3.01 strongly implied it would blow away too but I’m willing to give on that). It was not supposed to be just some lame afterthought, throwaway one-liner mentioned simply to get it out of the way once they were already talking. I’m sure all the people who believed in the yellow umbrella mythology so much that they got it tattooed on their bodies really appreciated them totally disregarding that part of canon. (Like so much else in that horrendous script, obviously the reason it was disregarded as the key element of their meeting is because the yellow umbrella didn’t come into the story until 3.01 and the 9.23/9.24 script was written back in the Season1/Season 2 era before that even happened). Also, the idea that after one conversation Ted would impulsively cancel his entire move to Chicago just like something he’d do back in 1.01 does not fit with what we just saw in canon in 9.21 where we were shown that Ted has finally learned his lesson that he cannot force fate when on his first date with the Mother he actually walked away rather than beg her to stay because he knew that if it was meant to be it would happen on its own without his help. Therefore, this story doesn’t acknowledge the way their meeting went down in the AU finale. Granted this is a Barney/Robin story so it won’t directly feature any of those scenes, but that part will be alluded to in the first future chapter.

Additionally, in my story Ted and the Mother get married in August 2014 (because the lighthouse proposal scene would have actually occurred in May 2014) since they were clearly already married in the “Trilogy Time” flash forward set in late spring/summer 2015, as well as shown to be married in several other flash forwards (including as recently as the flash forward in 9.15) set before when the AU finale had them finally getting married in 2020 (one of hundreds of reasons why that finale made no sense and blatantly disregarded all the episodes before it). Not to mention that canon Ted, who has been dying to get married for a decade now, would never wait that long for no reason whatsoever and would have proposed long before two years – and certainly would have proposed the very moment she got pregnant. That lackadaisical I-don’t-care-about-marriage attitude of AU Ted showed that he suffered from Out of Character disease like the rest of them, just not as severe an outbreak as Barney and Robin’s characters were impaired with.

Now in dealing with the Mother, since I don’t recognize any of that non-canon mess I seriously contemplated keeping her with the name I’d given her on my own. In fact I had it that way in all of my drafts. However in the end I felt there was a compelling argument for the name Tracy already having been established in the real canon of the show back in 1.09 judging by the kids’ reactions to the stripper having that same name. So ultimately I let the name Tracy stand but only because of that Season 1 episode, not because of anything in 9.23/9.24.

Furthermore, because some non-disclosed illness of hers was touched upon in canon in 9.19 (even though certainly that was only gross foreshadowing of their 2006 script to come) I have accepted her illness as canon. But she will survive, which actually makes for a moving “true to life story” much more so than the ridiculousness they presented. Because in real life people are diagnosed with serious illnesses all the time and they are able to beat them and come out strong and healthy and go on to lead full, rich, happy lives (my own family experienced just such a thing over this past year.) It is short-sighted, juvenile, and lazy writing to with no depth or explanation at all leave the suggestion that any nondescript illness must automatically lead to character death and in an extremely quick, pain-free, and oh-so-beautiful-in-the-hospital-bed (in the one picture we were shown) way. And it is even more lazy, juvenile, and downright disturbing to suggest that the death of a young mother would have virtually no effect on her children who were old enough to know and understand at the time of her death yet seem entirely flippant and disrespectful of her memory (and this is coming from someone who lost a parent at a young age and was utterly disgusted by the way those children were portrayed) but then again part of that is because at the beginning of the series the Mother was not supposed to be dead. So to make a long rant short: the Mother’s name is Tracy, she will get sick, but she will pull through.

Also, this story does not acknowledge any parts of the bleak future they painted for Lily. Her desire and struggle to carve out a career in the art world was her character’s only series-long storyline. From the end of Season 1 and going off to attend art school in San Francisco, to her attempts to sell her paintings, and finally to making a successful career for herself as an art consultant which figured so heavily into the plot of Season 8 and 9, that was the one thing she strived for. Yet they wiped all that away from her with no explanation at all (again, because Lily had none of that in Season 1 when the script was written) and left her with nothing to do but shuck out babies and look after her husband’s career like some 1950s housewife, because all of that was Marshall’s dream. It was offensively misogynistic (the entire 2006 script was tremendously, revoltingly misogynistic in their treatment of all of the female characters, leaving the message that all women should be 1950s housewives or end up divorced, and that it’s a woman’s main and only job to produce children for a man – because after all a kid is the only thing that can ever make a man transformed and fulfilled– and then she can die because her work is done). Therefore in this story Lily is still a successful art consultant in New York (once she gets back from Italy) and this story does not recognize any third child. The AU finale barely recognized it anyway. It was never even given a gender or a name, never shown, and seemed to exist for no other reason than to keep Lily barefoot and pregnant and stuck at home. Lily only wanted two children and she should have control and say over her own body, just like she shouldn’t have to give up her dream of the career she wanted and worked hard for. In this story she gets to have her dream and her say just as much as Marshall does. That’s the way it always was in their real relationship and marriage in the canon world of 1.01 – 9.22.

And finally, in regards to Robin’s career path, I do not for one second believe that Season 9 Robin would have ever traveled in the way they presented it in the AU finale. Even with Barney by her side she wouldn’t have wanted a nomadic lifestyle like that. Robin likes some stability and she’s too into her group of friends and that sense of family and belonging she derives from them to just continually take to the open road and never see them for years on end. Look how upset she was in 6.09 at the thought of losing Lily’s constant friendship, or in 7.14 when Lily and Marshall moved to the suburbs (just a 46 minute ride away), or how in 9.13 she was rooting for Marshall to take the judgeship just so that Lily wouldn’t leave for a year because she’d miss her too much. Plus Robin constantly traveling and never seeing the group simply doesn’t fit with what we already know of the canon future and the gang’s closeness to one another and each other’s families in that canon future. Nor does it fit with them always being together for American Thanksgiving and Robots vs. Wrestlers. Robin searched for that sense of belonging her entire life. That’s why she bonded with the gang so quickly and so well in the beginning. She would never just throw that away.

Moreover, a desire to travel to all these foreign countries hasn’t even been a part of her character since Season 2, and whenever living abroad has been very rarely brought up since then it’s always been a negative for her. We saw in Season 4 how she did not want to move away to Japan, and when she forced herself to do so anyway she was absolutely miserable and came back home shortly thereafter. A desire for world travel (or any travel) is never mentioned again. Even more tellingly, we see her in Season 5 and in Season 7 turn down career/travel opportunities (to Chicago and to France) in favor of pursuing her love life at home in New York (making Robin’s actions in the AU finale all the more absurd). The most we ever see her travel again since her disastrous attempt to live abroad in Season 4 is to Russia for exactly one week.

And that, I believe, is the sort of lifestyle that would suit Robin: traveling abroad for pleasure with Barney like normal couples do on vacations, and then traveling a bit for work when called upon – but for small periods of time and only a few times a year (see my flash forward in 9.15 for my take on Robin’s opinion of that, which was written before that AU finale even aired so that lets you know my strong thoughts on that aspect of it).

Also a network broadcaster is the more prestigious journalistic position. Why would she want to move down on the career hierarchy? And I don’t believe the type of nomadic lifestyle and lower status position of a field foreign correspondent would fit with Robin’s desire for fame as seen frequently throughout the show (1.05, 5.13, 7.21, and 8.02 are examples just off the top of my head). How many international foreign correspondents are actually famous in the United States who Americans know, watch, and would recognize? Yet Robin is shown to greatly love doing her daily broadcast at WWN, love seeing herself nightly on TV, and love that recognition she gets because of it. She’s never going to get that as the one-minute foreign correspondent who the regular (and therefore known and recognized) broadcasters occasionally cut to, nor was she ever shown to want that kind of a job past Season 2. The only things we hear from Robin on her career over and over again are that she wants to do “serious news” and “be taken seriously” as well as the fact that she likes to be recognized. All of those things are certainly accomplished by being a regular daily broadcaster on a prominent network in the U.S., not by being a foreign correspondent.

I fully believe that if they did constantly travel all over the world, as is portrayed in the AU finale, Robin and Barney would still stay together regardless (no way they’re going to spend eight heart-wrenching years working their way together just to call it a day with no effort at all, no attempt to work out the problem – whatever the problem was supposed to have been – just a high five and see ya never!). However, I don’t think that would have been an issue to begin with because I don’t believe that 2013 Robin would have even wanted that nomadic lifestyle for herself or for Barney. The AU finale got it wrong in every possible way, so that kind of relentless travel and lengthy residing abroad will not show up in my future chapters because I don’t feel like it is in keeping with the rest of the story and where Robin’s character was at by Season 9.

Frankly, I’m not quite sure why so many people seem to accept that part of it as canon when in fact the only place we see that show up is within the AU finale itself. Nothing else suggested that Robin would be constantly traveling the world. Even back in Season 2 only a handful of countries are named and she’s already been to most of them (and I know they say she “lives in” these other countries at the end of Season 2, but they already hit upon several of them and their definition of “living in” was for just a couple of weeks. In fact, Russia was literally one week of living there. All of that is really no different than an extended vacation, which I therefore count). The few countries that are left and the whole idea itself of Robin “seeing the world” could happen very easily through years’ worth of occasional travel for both work and leisure like plenty of everyday people accomplish who still have a regular permanent residency in one place. For example, if Robin goes on perhaps two work trips plus one personal vacation a year then she’s seeing three countries a year right there (meaning she’ll visit/live in as many as 50 countries by 2030, which certainly qualifies as traveling the world) while still maintaining a regular lifestyle in NYC. That is how I see Robin’s and Barney’s future in a completely canon world.

Now on to Barney and Robin's future....

2013

Fanfic: A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings, Chapter Two

2014-06-22T23:21:35Z

Previous Chapters

MacLaren’s

“What do you mean you’re not coming?” Barney cries in outrage into his cell phone as he rides in the back of a cab on the way to MacLaren’s. “Of course you’re coming. And you’re suiting up!”

“Barney,” Ted petulantly protests as he picks at his fried potatoes at the diner down the street from the apartment where he sought refuge after Marshall wanted him to clear out for the night. “Did you not hear me? Marshall is getting engaged tonight. That’s game changing.”

“Why?” Barney questions in exasperation. “Marshall and Lily have been attached at the hip for the past nine years. Why should this change anything?”

“Because it’s marriage, Barney. Even you have to admit that’s a big deal.”

“It’s a big mistake,” he corrects, “but go on.”

“Like I said….it’s a wakeup call. They’re going to get engaged tonight and before you know it their wedding will be here. Where is this going to leave me? Sharing an apartment with a married couple?” Ted speculates. “Being the pathetic, eternally single and depressed live-in nanny when their first kid arrives? This whole thing has made me re-examine my own life. I’ve got to get it together. I’ve got to stop fooling around with you and find myself a wife too.”

“Seriously, Ted? You think you can just order up a wife the way you order a burger? Even I know it doesn’t work like that,” Barney says, throwing Ted’s words back at him.

“Well it will for me,” Ted proclaims, refusing to accept anything else. “It will because I want it to. I’m using the Think System.”

“Okay, Professor Hill.”

“Hey, being a professor would be awesome.”

“No, it wouldn’t; that’s lame,” Barney dismisses. “And you are aware the Think System was a load of crap, right? He just made it up so he could swindle the town and screw the librarian. Mad props to that last part, but the system didn’t actually work. And besides, if you’re gonna use tricks and schemes to get a woman into bed you’ve gotta make them up yourself, or at least give credit where credit’s due. That’s just etiquette – nay, bretiquette. It’s basic Bro Code. But no worries. I’ve brought my travel size copy of the Playbook for you tonight,” he assures him, patting his breast pocket. “Phone five!....You didn’t do it, did you, Ted? I can tell when you don’t do it.”

From there it spirals into more and more of Ted’s whining about how he needs to get married and find “the One”. Barney tunes most of it out, hearing nothing but a low garbled droning, until Ted says, “Marshall’s planning out the rest of his life, and what am I doing? Hanging out with Barney Stinson – the biggest, shallowest womanizer in the city – all in the hopes of picking up a bunch of nameless women at best and getting drinks thrown in my face at worst. I’m not going, Barney.”

Barney can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to hear his self-proclaimed best friend talk about him that way, but then again Ted doesn’t know the truth about his past the way that James does. None of them do – not Marshall, Lily or Ted – just like none of them know what he really does for a living. Still, you’d think after all these years Ted would be able to recognize at the very least that he isn’t “the shallowest guy in the city” and that he does in fact care deeply about his friends and shows them great loyalty. But Barney brushes those hurt feelings away into that same dark corner where he locks up all of his unspoken pain and he chooses to be awesome instead. It’s just what he does. “Yes, you are coming to the bar, Ted…..Alright, I can give on the suiting up part. But it’s gonna be your loss. You’ll have to take a 5 instead of 6.”

“No,” Ted laughs in an annoying I’m-humoring-you-because-I’m-above-it-all tone. “I’m done ‘taking’ women – and while we’re at it I’m done labeling them as numbers. I’m going to find a wife and get married; it’s happening. Like, now. I’m serious about this, Barney. I can’t be rating my future wife on a hotness scale, and I can’t be out trolling bars with you anymore.”

“You act like hanging out with me is the worst thing, like you’re doing me some kind of favor, but you love it and we both know it. Marshall getting engaged doesn’t magically change that no matter what you want to think now.” When Barney’s spot-on assessment is still met with silence, he lays out some more brutal honesty. “Tell me this: what else are you doing tonight, Ted? Hanging out at an all-night diner till 2 a.m.?”

“Okay fine. I’ll come to MacLaren’s. I’ve got to meet my wife somewhere.”

Barney chooses to ignore Ted’s continued harping on the wife thing and merely focuses on the first part. “Sweet. I’ll be there in ten.” Anyway, he can change Ted’s mind once he gets him in the bar within range of all those tasty cutlets.

****

A half an hour later, Barney’s standing at the bar scanning the room, scotch in hand, next to Ted who is sipping his beer morosely in between complaining.

“I’m never going to find her.”

Barney rolls his eyes. “You just started looking twenty minutes ago. And in that time you’ve talked to all of one woman – who happened to be Carl’s girlfriend.” Sadly, he’d been very wrong about being able to shake Ted out of this whole marriage business as soon as he got him to the bar. The past twenty minutes have, however, taught him what a whining bummer his friend can be.

“But that lone woman should have been the One,” Ted laments. “All it takes is just one. And that’s how I want it to be. I don’t want an endless cycle of pointless dating to search her out. I just want to find her – right now. It should be fate and kismet and all that stuff you see in a movie.”

Barney rolls his eyes again, sighing deeply. Ted has been playing this same pity party/tears and violins routine since he got here. Hoping to snap him out of it, he’d promised to be Ted’s dedicated wingman tonight, his sole focus devoted exclusively to getting Ted a woman before he so much as set his eyes on anyone for himself. Either Ted goes home with someone first or they both strike out. Unfortunately it’s becoming pretty clear that means they’re both going home alone, and Barney takes a slug of his scotch to mourn all the sex he won’t be having tonight.

Ted earlier criticized that no good ever comes from hanging out with him, and the self-loathing part of Barney that’s disgusted by his own behavior – that part James was talking about earlier – in his rare, dark moments is secretly inclined to agree. But another part of Barney – the bitterest, most self-aware part – wonders if the same critique might be applied to Ted. Sometimes the two of them have great fun together, because after all nothing is truly legendary unless your friends are there to see it and experience it with you. But other times – like now – Ted can have this condescending way of treating him like he’s the scum of the earth despite the fact that he too often engages in the very same behavior and enjoys it. That’s the whole reason they became friends in the first place shortly after Barney took the job at GNB. By then James was fully out and while that meant they could rock a bar or a club from both ways and totally clean house sometimes Barney still had that yearning to ‘troll for women’, as Ted put it, with someone who could high five over an amazing rack and actually appreciate it. It’s the same reason James sometimes goes to gay bars with his other friends who can similarly get excited for how well hung the guy in the corner appears to be. But after losing Dwayne, Barney no longer had any such person to fill that role in his life – and then he met Ted at the urinal and it all fell into place.

The trouble is Ted has developed that tendency to look down on him. Barney knows he doesn’t really mean the little insults he makes, and he knows the whole looking down on him thing derives from Ted resenting the parts of Barney that he too possess but wishes weren’t there so he could just happily settle into a life mirroring Marshall’s. Barney knows all this, but it doesn’t mean those insults still can’t sting.

And especially now that Ted’s gotten on this marriage kick he seems to blame his entire state of being single on him, as if it’s somehow his fault that Ted would rather casually bang chicks than settle down with just one. Ted finds too many faults in women anyway. The kind of perfect wife he’d be looking for doesn’t even exist. And if she did, she’d bore the hell of most men – she’s certainly bore the hell out of Barney.

“Maybe Marshall was right to find someone straightaway in college,” Ted ponders.

“Ted, will you just give it a rest. The world isn’t going to implode and you’re not going to die alone just because Marshall is getting engaged tonight and you’re still single. Now look over by the far wall,” Barney instructs, drawing Ted’s attention to the front corner of the bar beyond their usual booth and just to the right of the door to the kitchen. “There’s a Lebanese chick over there. I’ll let you have her,” he entices. “What do I always say about Lebanese chicks?”

“You’re always saying something about one group of women or the other. You have way too many rules. I’m not even sure you keep them all straight.”

“Fine. Desperate times call for desperate measures.” Barney pulls his travel size manual out of his coat pocket. “I’ll take you deep into The Playbook. I doubt you’re ready for it, but these advanced plays when performed correctly get results 83% of the time – and then ‘results’ again a second and maybe even a third time before you’ve climbed out her window.” He mulls it over, flipping through the book. “How about “The Two Can Play At That Game”?”

Ted ignores him in favor of continuing with his Marshall-fueled, soul-mate-lacking rant. “I finally know what I want. Everything’s fallen into place, but it’s like ‘Here I am, ready to get married’.” He stretches his hands out to the bar desperately. “Now where is – ” Before he can finish that sentence his phone rings in his pocket. Knowing it can’t be Barney, Ted figures it must be a serious call, perhaps even work, and he rushes to answer right away. “Ted speaking.”

“Hey, Ted. It’s Marshall. Don’t freak out, but I’m calling from the emergency room.”

“What?” Ted asks, doing exactly that. He slides the phone away from his mouth, telling Barney, “Marshall’s calling from emergency.”

“What happened?” Barney wants to know, concerned for their friend.

“I don’t know.”

“Well ask him,” Barney says at the same time that Ted says, “We need to head over there.”

“Oh, okay, yeah. I’ll ask him first,” Ted resolves.

“Put him on speaker,” Barney instructs. Once Ted does, Barney asks into the phone, “Marshall, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s not me; it’s Lily. She’s gonna be alright but we had a little accident.”

What Barney can grasp from Marshall’s overly-detailed story – along with frequent interruptions from Ted – is that Lily had a bad day at work. Some kid touched her butt during finger-painting hour and ruined her favorite skirt as well as put a serious damper on art time, Lily’s favorite portion of the day, so she was already in a frazzled mood by the time she got to the apartment. She’d started to cook them some gourmet frou-frou dinner, and to get her back into a fully positive and happy mood again Marshall thought he’d ease her nerves with a little pre-celebration champagne. But, as usual, the guy was afraid to open it. They’d started bickering about that and Marshall didn’t want to propose in the middle of a fight or when she was annoyed with him, so he decided to just man up and open the bottle himself like she wanted. But apparently he was correct about his incompetence because in the process he hit Lily with the champagne cork directly in the eye, thus their trip to the emergency room.

“Now she’s got a scratched cornea and they’re making her wear an eye patch,” Marshall informs them. “Needless to say, the proposal is off for now, so don’t mention it to Lily. I want it to be perfect for her, which means it’ll just have to wait till some other time. I want to marry Lily more than anything but I guess there’s no real hurry. We’ve already been together for almost a decade. What’s a little while longer before we get engaged?”

After assuring Ted there’s no point in him coming down to the ER since as soon as the doctor’s finished patching Lily up – an unintentional pun that makes both Barney and Marshall crack up – they’ll be heading back home themselves, they end the call.

“Huh, what d’ya know?” Barney chuckles to himself. “Maybe Marshall will hit her in the kneecap next time he tries to open a bottle and then we can get her a peg leg too!” He looks to Ted who’s staring off into space, failing to appreciate his joke. “I know, I know,” Barney sighs. “Where is your wife?”

“No,” Ted answers slowly. “I was thinking just the opposite: I’ve been panicking over nothing. Marshall’s right; there’s no hurry…..And you know something? Hearing that Marshal isn’t getting engaged tonight or maybe even at all in the upcoming weeks, I’m actually relieved that things can stay the same and I don’t have to rush.”

“And do you suppose that means you weren’t really ready to settle down yet in the first place?” Barney points out.

“You’re probably right. Why should I rush things? What’s that you always say about getting married?”

“‘Never get married until you’re at least thirty’, and I stand by that.”

“That means I’ve still got almost a solid year before I even need to start worrying about finding the One,” Ted reasons.

“YES!” Barney cheers. “So let’s get you laid.” He takes a moment to scope out the bar for any new talent that came in while they were busy on the phone or in the few minutes before that when he was drying Ted’s tears. While his eyes sweep right, Ted’s go left, and in seconds Ted is elbowing him.

“Whoa, Barney. See that girl over there.”

Barney directs his attention over to where Ted is staring, and after just one look at her Barney feels everything settle down low and warm in his groin. This mysterious brunette in the green turtleneck is easily the hottest woman he’s ever laid eyes on. The lack of skin on display only makes him want to peel away that shirt privately. Already he’s imagined having her in at least ten different positions. And more than just physical beauty, she has a sharpness in her expression that tells him this woman isn’t the typical attractive dullard he usually beds. No, this girl’s got brains too. Even better, he can recognize the little twinkle in her eyes as she notices them noticing her that tells him she’s a wildcat in the sack who wants her sex just as wild and kinky as he prefers his. “Oh yeah,” Barney sighs, almost a groan. “You just know she likes it dirty.”

She must have just gotten here while they were on the phone or he would have noticed her the second she walked in. But now Ted’s seen her first and that means by all Bro Code laws he has implied first dibs should he choose to exercise them. And what idiot wouldn’t? “So go say hi,” Barney encourages, because at least someone should get to experience being with her. “She is hot,” he reiterates as he takes yet another look.

But none of the salience is there for Ted anymore. Despite seeing her across the room, he’s no longer obsessed with fate and the idea of a meet cute from an old movie because the need to keep up and find a woman as quickly as possible so he too can get married like Marshall doesn’t exist anymore. And with that objective removed, Barney’s right; what he needs is to get laid. It’s been a month and a half and ol’ Mosby needs some. But this girl, beautiful as she is, appears to be a little too much for what he’s after tonight. He’d like to cut to the chase and just get to it. That means he needs a far easier target.

“Nah, she looks busy,” Ted decides. “She’s with a group of women – which is always a challenge – and, even worse, one of them is crying in the corner. I don’t want to get in the middle of that. Not when there are other hot girls in the bar.”

“God bless you, Ted. You’ve been reading my blog!” Barney enthuses. “It looks like I’ve taught you a thing or three over the years after all.”

“That’s not from you, Barney. That’s just Guy 101….Oh hey, what about her?” he points out a different woman sitting at the other side of the bar who’s already giving them the eye. “You’ve got to admit she’s a 10.”

Barney gives this new blonde a onceover. “Meh, she’s a 7 at most. But that makes her perfect for you.” And before Ted can say anything further and Ted-out about the situation, Barney is already playing his favorite game, tapping the blonde on her shoulder and arranging an introduction. “Excuse me, haaave you met Ted?”

Now that his mind is no longer preoccupied with what plans Marshall’s making, Ted makes quick work of it. Barney stands back and watches proudly as, within ten minutes, Ted takes off with the 7 to a second location.

All alone and having now fulfilled his wingman duties, Barney focuses on finding himself a little fun for the night. And he immediately turns his sights back to the girl Ted wouldn’t say hi to. Ted’s loss is his good fortune because the dibs are all his now. Ted couldn’t handle that anyway. This woman isn’t just a mere 10. She’s something like a 20. Far too much for Ted.

A 20. Even he’s never been with a 20…..But he has a feeling he’s about to scale that mountain.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: Some of you may be wondering when we’ll hear from Robin but I wanted to establish Barney and his world in the story first since it’s there that the very important difference occurs setting them all off on different paths than what we see in the “Pilot”. Next chapter will give us Robin’s (slightly altered) backstory and from then on we’ll start seeing her side of things too.

Also, the very perceptive may have noticed I made Ted slightly older here. I’m fiddling with all of their ages a bit because I didn’t really want to start this thing back in 2005 or have it span 8 years, so they’re all going to be aged slightly differently. In this AU, Robin, Lily, Marshall, and Ted will all start out the same age, 29, and Barney is 32.

Fanfic: A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings, Chapter One

2014-06-17T20:15:20Z

“Never forget that on any day you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the Universe has a plan and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought, but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working....”

Partners

Barney stands near the window of his corporate office looking out at the early September leafs just beginning to change. He’s always loved autumn in New York and relishes the fact that his job has kept him here in his home town to experience it one more time. Though tragically it means the end of sundress season, the first signs of fall feel like a cool refreshing respite after the long hot summer. Moreover, the new season brings with it three new months of wide-open promise. And as his motto goes – well, one of his mottos – new is always better.

In that vein, he’s taking Ted out tonight to get him laid. Dude hasn’t had what he defines as a girlfriend in months. Despite living as the third wheel in Marshall and Lily’s world of coupledom that doesn’t usually bother Ted as long as he’s getting a semi-regular flow of women in and out of his bed. Because while his best friend subscribes to “true love” in a way that makes Barney both scoff and shudder, Ted’s no more ready to settle down than he is. Problem is, Ted’s been going through a dry spell as of late and it’s started to make him moody. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still got plenty of wild oats to sow – and lucky for Ted he has the Barnacle to help him find a new and willing field tonight.

“Hey, Stinson,” he hears his partners voice behind him and it draws Barney’s attention back into the here and now.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the office, the two of them actually work for the FBI as undercover agents specializing in corporate corruption and espionage cases. They’ve been assigned at GNB for the past eight years, a long time by any count, but this is a huge international case: insider trading, fraud, money laundering, embezzlement, racketeering, extortion, obstruction of justice, and financial ties with several shady organizations including some suspected terrorist groups. The corruption even goes as high as a handful of congressmen who have a direct ear to the Whitehouse yet are in cahoots with GNB’s dirty dealings. Something as big as this requires a lengthy investigation with men deep undercover to gain the trust of the organization, and Barney has done just that, working his way up in in the corrupted division of the company as far as one can go. The senior managers in question don’t suspect him in the slightest. He’s fully infiltrated their group and become the smooth talking, hard playing, suited up businessman just like the rest of them. But the big boss back at the FBI is getting impatient and there’s no way Barney is going to call this investigation without seeing Greg behind bars. He has a personal stake in this case; it’s what started his career in the first place and made him who he is today.

“James,” Barney greets him expectantly. While he was keeping the executives busy in conference, James was up in Greg’s office looking for the latest piece of evidence to be appropriated – secretly, of course – into his FBI file. Their meeting finished five minutes ago at which time Barney sent James a coded warning text. He had no doubt James would get out of there without being caught. The only question is if he got what they were after.

“Did you get the – ” Barney cuts himself short when his secretary walks in with a stack of new paperwork. “You can just put it on the desk, Dolores,” he instructs her and turns his attention back to James but slightly alters his word choice. “Did you get that file you needed?” he asks meaningfully.

“I did.” Barney does a mental fist pump, but then James qualifies it with, “But it wasn’t exactly what I expected.”

Barney frowns. “Oh?”

“Yeah…..After all that work, I think I’m actually looking for a different month’s figures for – ” Dolores clears the doorway, shutting it behind her as it seems the two men are talking important business, and James immediately cuts to the chase. “We were wrong about the Wharmpess deal. It’s clean.”

“Dammit.”

“I know,” James commiserates. “It’s disappointing.”

“We need to go back to investigating the execs that were in charge of the Altrucell merger. Take a third and four look. I’m telling you, that’s where the body’s buried.”

“I think you’re right,” James agrees. “But this means we’ll have to confer with Arthur and Blauman tomorrow at headquarters. Let them know he’s barking up the wrong tree.”

Barney sighs. Arthur was sure the Wharmpess file would be the money shot. Barney never believed it personally; the man’s just getting desperate and grasping at straws to finish up this investigation in the next few months. “That’s not going to be a fun meeting, is it?”

“No, it is not,” James deadpans. “….Especially after the way I left things with Blauman.”

Barney grins. “You mean the way you gave him a free sample of the ol’ Gibbs lovin at last month’s corporate retreat?”
“It wasn’t just a sample, my friend. It was an entire buffet.”

“And yet you told him you weren’t interested in any further shared feasts. Smart move.” Barney lifts his hand for a high five that James reluctantly gives.

“It wasn’t altogether like that. Blauman’s a nice guy, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea to get involved with someone you work with.”

“Hey, you don’t have to justify it to me, bro. You got yours, now – NEXT!” Barney calls. “And you know we can keep em lined up. You take all the guys, I take all the girls. It’s a win-win situation.”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” James cautiously begins. “You know how I haven’t been out there with you in a few weeks.”

“I know. It’s been Ted and I alone, and sometimes we could use that third heat. But I figured you were just laying low after the Blauman incident.”

“No. It’s more than that.” James holds Barney’s eye as he reveals the next part, already knowing his partner isn’t going to like it. “I met someone. Tom. He’s – well, he’s just….I think he’s everything I’ve been looking for. This could really be something, man, and I’d like to have you on board.”

Barney groans in disgust. “James, not you too. I’ve already got Marshall to contend with and his balls rolling around in Lily’s purse. Now I’m gonna lose another bro to ‘love’?” he utters the word with disdain, putting it in air quotes. “And it’ll only be a few years before Ted starts getting antsy too. What is it with all of you willingly putting a noose around your necks?”

“Come on, Barney,” James says gently, getting real with him. “You know when you say stuff like that I know that you’re lying. You forget we went to college together. I knew you before you were this,” James reminds him, running a hand over Barney’s immaculately suited up frame. “I know all about Shannon. I mean that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

“Ahp, ahp, ahp,” Barney stops him. “You know we don’t say that name,” he tells him uncomfortably. “…..It reminds me of a time I’m not proud of.” Barney looks down, rearranging a Sharper Image toy on his desk that was fine the way it was. “It’s embarrassing. And you know I don’t do embarrassed. I get awesome instead.”

“You are awesome, Barney. But you were awesome before. Just in a different way. That’s why we were friends before we were partners. And you don’t have to be embarrassed with me. You were the first one I came out to. You helped me through that and I helped you when Shannon stomped on your heart like the little bitch I always knew she was,” James grins in solidarity. “One’s no different than the other.”

“I guess,” Barney shrugs, but he’s smiling again too. “Why don’t you come out with us tonight? Marshall and Lily are having some big romantic dinner, the anniversary of the first time they brushed hands or something nauseating like that. It’s just gonna be me and Ted at the bar….unless you wanna bring that third heat?”

James laughs. “Did you hear nothing I just said? I’m in a relationship now. I’ll still help get you all the tail you want – not that you need my help – but I’m off the market. I’m a one man guy.”

“Already? After just a few weeks?”

“It’s been a month, and I didn’t say we were getting married or anything, but if you want to see where something goes you’ve gotta keep it in your pants – or, you know, only take it out for the person you’re with,” James clarifies.

“Ech, monogyny,” Barney spits.

“Says the guy who lived that way – monogamously celibate, I might add – for his first twenty-three years. But that wasn’t natural for you?”

“And what did it get me?” Barney questions, uncharacteristically brooding because James has hit one too many direct targets for comfort.

James clamps a hand on his shoulder, knowing it’s time to ease back. “If at first you don’t succeed try, try again.”

And just like that Barney flips the awesome switch. “Yeah, well, you let me know how that works out with this Tom guy.”

James just shakes his head affably. “You just wait, Stinson. One day it’s gonna happen to you. You’re going to meet a woman who absolutely grabs you by the short and curlies, and I’m gonna sit back and laugh while you write sonnets for her like a lovesick little school boy.”

“Pfftt,” Barney chokes out a laugh. “You been drinking on the job again, Gibbs? Tonight Ted and I are going out to score some action and there’ll be grabbing alright, but no sonnets. Just a good boning and then out by morning.”

James only grins, knowing better but leaving it alone. “Better make it a great boning. Cause we’re going to get reamed by Arthur tomorrow,” he says as he heads out of his office.

Barney grimaces, but puts it out of his mind as he gathers his things to head out for the night. A quick stop for a takeout meatball sub for dinner, then home to grab his pocket-sized Playbook, and then on to MacLaren’s where he and Ted and going to have one legendary night.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: For those readers who are familiar with my other stories, this one is going to be different in length and somewhat in format as well. This is meant to be a more serialized story with the plot occurring in small chunks much like with a TV program’s weekly episodes. That will mean shorter, snappier, more action/dialogue driven chapters (and hopefully lead to somewhat frequent updates because this is going to be a long story).

I’ll have another chapter coming later this week, but after that will be a short break as I’m taking turns updating stories between this one and “Catching the Clock”.

Fanfic: A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings

2014-06-17T20:05:42Z

Introduction

Just a little background on what this story will be so everyone knows what they’re getting going in: This is a takeoff on the themes of fate and destiny that are so wrapped up in the concept of HIMYM (and just to state this upfront, as is the case with all my HIMYM writing I do not recognize that AU finale episode and only accept the show from 1.01–9.22). In particular it espouses to the butterfly effect represented best in the Season 4 episode “Right Place Right Time” and the idea that a small change at a specific point in time can result in a rippling effect that alters the course of things down the line. For example, in “Right Place Right Time” Future Ted talks about how if Robin hadn’t gotten food poisoning and if he hadn’t stopped to look at the magazine of Barney’s 200^th and so forth then he wouldn’t have ended up on that particular corner at just the right time to be stopped by the light and run into Stella, thus getting him the position at Columbia. But my fic also adheres to the idea that certain things have a higher fate too, meaning in this example that if Ted is absolutely meant to be a professor at Columbia then it will happen someway, somehow, even if he hadn’t met Stella at that corner. Even if it happens in a completely different way, if something is absolutely meant to be then it will eventually come to be no matter what course you take to get there.

What all of that philosophical groundwork means for this particular story is that it’s an alternate universe to what you see in HIMYM, starting out on an alternate path right at the “Pilot” because of one small difference that changes everything. We’ll see it spiral from there and see other small changes occur too that start their own rippling effects, and in the process examine what things will turn out differently and what will ultimately still happen. That means this alternate universe will loosely follow several of the same events of the original series (the parts that are absolutely fated to be) BUT because they’ve all taken off on this alternate path those various events will happen in different, out-of-order, and sometimes twisted ways – some of them sooner, some of them later, some of them not at all, but all of it altered and changed and new things added in by the butterfly effect. Meaning the things that show up in my story from the show are the things I believe were unconditionally predestined to happen to the characters no matter what alternate path and changes occurred.

Also so there’s no confusion, nearly everything you know about the background of the main characters remains largely the same except for the following two differences: (1) Barney’s job, although there is certainly a connection to the reveal in 9.15; and (2) James is not Barney’s biological brother but instead his partner at work. I made this change because I wanted Barney to have a friend and sounding board who isn’t a part of the main gang and who can therefore give him unbiased and impartial advice solely looking out for Barney’s best interest. That’s something that was incredibly lacking in HIMYM and I think would have been extremely helpful to Barney’s development. Yes, in canon James sort of filled that purpose at times but I wanted him to be there with Barney on a regular basis in a way that never really happened when they were biological brothers but will happen when they are partners assigned together every day (and, yes, Robin will have someone similar too).

One final thing so there’s no disappointment; this is a long-play story so you will not see Barney and Robin get together right away. It’s all heading there and it’s certainly a Barney/Robin love story fic, but you won’t see them dating in chapter two or anything like that. You’re going to need to be patient and let it build just like it did on the show.

Chapter One

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.22 Part I - Section C

2014-05-22T20:05:43Z

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Barney had walked into the tent just as Robin was turning and closing her eyes, clutching her locket in her hand along with her heels. He didn’t say anything at first, didn’t interrupt her. He just stood there watching her take deep breaths, trying to calm herself and clearly crying.

He could see Robin was panicking; he knows that’s why she left. Nevertheless, he waited for her to open her eyes on her own, and now that she has he has no intention of pushing and prodding. Robin’s always needed to come to these emotional things in her own time. She’ll share when she feels comfortable to share, and it’s his job to make her feel that way.

“Hey. I’ve been looking for you. You okay?” he asks. There’s nervousness in his tone because right now he’s a little afraid of what she might share, but he remains upbeat and supportive.

Robin realizes this is the moment of truth. If she wants to take an out, now would be the time to admit she has not been okay, confess the issues she’s been having, and tell him she doesn’t think she can go through with marrying him. Barney’s right here in front of her. If she’s going to actually call off their wedding now is the moment to say so.

But she doesn’t need that option anymore. She’d already reached her decision to go through with the wedding, and simply seeing Barney again now feels so right her heart knows indisputably that by his side, marrying him, is exactly the place she’s meant to be despite the fears she’s had.

Her only thought now is to lie and cover up her actions so he won’t even have to know what she’d been considering, and she does so as quickly as possible, swiftly changing the subject afterwards to ask him what he’s holding. When he answers “my vows”, Robin blinks again as she’s hit with a wave of shame looking down at the large stack of papers in his hand. Here she’s been panicking, literally out of her mind wondering if she can go through with the wedding, and Barney’s been pouring over his vows to hers.

“I – I know it’s bad luck to see the bride right before the ceremony,” Barney starts out, holding up his hand to let her know right away that he’s not being careless about doing their wedding right. He understands the breach in etiquette he’s making but it’s absolutely necessary because he has to tell her the important conclusion he’s come to.

When Barney says he’s realized something, Robin’s eyes widen and she looks up to him in alarm, suddenly wondering if he’s having jitters and a ‘serious crisis’ of his own. But she waits him out, listening breathlessly to what he has to say.

“Marshall and Lily have broken most of their wedding vows, but they’re still the best couple I know. I think their biggest problem was that Marshall didn’t tell Lily the truth. So….” He looks down to the huge booklet of vows he’s been holding and unceremoniously discards them, throwing them down onto the stage beside them. Never taking his eyes off Robin from that point on, Barney slowly approaches her. “I’ve decided to make only one vow to you, because it’s the only one that really counts. Robin Scherbatsky…” he begins, and she looks at him, open and vulnerable, unsure of what he’s going to vow but ready to hang on to his words and his promise like a lifeline. “.…From this day forward, I am always going to be honest with you.”

A little sigh of relief escapes Robin. That’s just exactly the declaration she needed to hear right now. She presses her lips together, feeling the sting at the bridge of her nose that speaks of oncoming tears. But she can’t help it, she’s so moved. Barney has gone from: ‘I lie; that’s what I do and you know that’ back when she discovered he still had a copy of The Playbook, to: ‘I’m going to lie, but only in the interest of a great surprise for you’ at their rehearsal dinner, and now all the way to: ‘I’m always going to be honest with you’. It’s tremendous progress, and the very thing she needed to cling to.

“Cause I love you,” Barney finishes.

Her trembling lips form a smile and Robin blinks back the tears that are now flooding her eyes. She needed to know he’s committed to that honesty on a core level, needed to know that underneath all the chemistry and attraction and the fun and the love their marriage will also have a steady foundation of stability and reliability.

Barney isn’t perfect but he has tried and changed and evolved so much for her, and the man he is now isn’t something to be afraid of at all. This isn’t a guy who’s going to put her second. This is a man who will be there for her and always do right by her. And he isn’t clueless about this either. He does understand the importance of honesty, and he values it right along with her.

But his “I love you” may be the thing she needed to hear from him most of all, just that simple reaffirmation of his love after all the doubting she’s fallen into in the past few minutes. She needed to know and hear it from him one more time that he loves her above all else. That’s the reason his only vow can be truly, wholeheartedly believed. Because love and honesty go hand-in-hand. It’s easy for someone to say they’ll always be honest, but she can believe him and know that it’s true, know that he means it, because of his declaration of love.

Robin finally appreciates in that moment that even though Barney may seem like a bad risk, because he loves her so very much she knows he actually isn’t a risk at all. Marriage in general may be a risk, but Barney isn’t. He’ll be there for her and treat her right – and she’ll be there for him too – because if you’re loving with everything you’ve got then all the rest will fall into place. You will be honest, you will be there for each other, because of that deep love you share.

And they already have that in spades.

A long time ago, not too long after she first met the gang, she had a boyfriend-of-the-week who dumped her because she couldn’t be his Gretel, because she wouldn’t share herself or be stupid and silly and crazy in love with him. Mike told her she was too in love with being on her own. She liked doing her own crosswords, and sleeping in her own bed, and she’d never speak of ‘us’ or ‘we’, only ever saw herself as an ‘I’. But with Barney, from very early on, it’s been the exact opposite. And here’s the miraculous part: it’s been that way without even trying. It all just came naturally with him. With Barney they now do the crosswords together as a team – and she actually wants to share things with him, herself most of all. Forget ‘we’ or ‘us’; she now thinks and speaks of Barney as her soul mate. She knows that he is, as surely as she knows she’ll take her next breath. That’s what Barney once said, that they couldn’t stop loving each other any more than they could stop breathing. And that is loving with everything they’ve got. They already found that with each other and now that they have this vow of honesty, that’s everything they’ll ever need.

Barney softly returns Robin’s smile. “I’ll see you up there,” he tells her, turning to leave. He doesn’t try to beg or force her back to the church the way he knows someone like Ted would do. He simply knows now that he’s said all that needs to be said and he has enough faith in Robin and in their love for each other that the vow he just made will be enough for her, that she’ll be okay now and meet him up at the altar because she loves him just as much as he loves her.

Mention of ‘up there’ has Robin’s nerves momentarily pinging through her again. She nods because she has ever intention to go back and marry him, but she sighs because it’s still a little scary nonetheless.

And then Barney suddenly remembers the important point that nearly slipped his mind, that last bit of air that needs to be cleared before they can get married. Looking her straight in the eye and holding her gaze steadily, he tells her the absolute truth now, uncomfortable as it is. “Ted got that locket for you.” Barney’s lips quirk to the side, not liking this truth, wishing it were different, but this is the truth and it needs to be told. “He’s the one you should thank.” He nods glumly, disappointed and regretful that it wasn’t in fact him.

Robin just stares at Barney for a second, too astonished to react. He vowed honesty from this moment forward and that alone was enough, but now he’s actually going back and clearing up the lie he previously told. Knowing that brings her to the point of utter and absolute clarity.

Thinking back on their history just a few moments ago made her realize that Barney has already proven to be husband material, and now with him coming clean about the locket when she didn’t expect it – when he didn’t even have to do it – that’s the icing on the cake that solidifies it all. Barney is unquestionably the right guy, the one who will be there and come through for her all of the time and in every way she needs. He was never trying to run some scheme on her like she questioned before.

And in that moment – hearing Barney tell that absolute truth, coming to that point of utter clarity – Robin deeply feels just how grossly wrong she’d been back at the church.

She’d been a panicked fool, saying those contemptible, unfounded, and unreasonable things. She was unacceptably unfair to him, not giving him enough credit or having half the faith in him that he deserved. Not only does she love him but he is the kind of guy she should be marrying, and she’s absolutely making the right choice to marry him.

The thing about Barney is when you take into account his entire past he is scary – as a concept. But the past, neither one of theirs, should come into it at all because that was then and this is now.

Here and now, she finally only sees the man and not the concept. And what she sees and knows and recognizes and appreciates are all the things he’s done for her, the gentle tenderness in the many ways he’s loved her. And she does feel safe with him, trusting her heart to him – more safe and more content and more at home than she’s ever felt.

Barney turns and starts to head out of the tent and Robin immediately goes after him, ready and willing to follow him anywhere. “Barney, wait.” She runs to him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him soundly.

Cupping the back of his head with one hand, Robin moves her free arm around his back to pull him even closer to her. When Barney brings both his hands up to her waist to cradle her against him she instinctively deepens the kiss, shifting her arm down to wrap around his shoulders, wanting more.

Barney gently breaks their kiss a moment later to smile down at her and Robin looks up into his eyes, tearfully whispering, “I love you too.” Barney’s smile widens at that and he kisses her tenderly one more time before gathering her to him and drawing her into a warm, full, lingering hug.

His only thought is to comfort and soothe her. He understands her fears and he just wants to make it all better for her. As he holds her lovingly, he knows that she’s been scared – and that’s okay. He’s been scared too. This is a big deal, forever. But they can be nervous together, going into this hand-in-hand, knowing that the things that scare you are always the most worthwhile.

Robin just clings to him with her check pressed against his. She’s been through such anguish fearing that she couldn’t marry him, fearing that it wouldn’t last. But now she’s finally at peace again knowing she was wrong, knowing that she does get to keep him. She never has to lose this. It’s like those firsts few minutes up on the rooftop after they got engaged, just basking in the peace of knowing they get to always have each other from now on and nothing can ever take that away.

It’s been a tough half an hour and a crazy eight minutes, but now she can rest easy. Now she simply lets it wash over her, this feeling of rightness and of deep and utter love, knowing this is exactly where she belongs – where she’s belonged all of her life.

Her mother’s words float through her mind: You’re filled with this mortal dread, but if you find someone you feel safe with it’s like flying. Robin understands what she meant now. She meant that marriage is scary but it’s the best kind of scary because, like flying, even though the very act means taking a risk you have to take risks to get the most exhilarating rewards.

And held fast, gently rocked in Barney’s arms it doesn’t feel like a risk at all.

She doesn’t know what she was thinking back at the church. Obviously she wasn’t thinking straight at all. She was so caught up in the idea of who was more safe and dependable, but ‘safe and dependable’ is the description of a truck not a person. In her fear she was single-mindedly consumed with avoiding the sort of husband her dad was so that her marriage will have the opposite result. She kept thinking it would be safer if Barney was more conventional and had less in common with her dad. But now that she’s gotten it together again, it’s unmistakably clear that Barney already is all of the conventional things that count. He’s monogamous, loving, supportive, concerned about her feelings over his own, and now 100% honest.

Why couldn’t she recognize any of that before? She was blinded by panic, but that alone isn’t an excuse. The panic had to start somewhere. Robin thinks the problem is that sometimes she was still seeing Barney as he was before and letting that frighten her. But he isn’t the same person he was when they first met, or even the same person he was back when they first dated four years ago. He’s the same in all the best ways, the ways that make him uniquely him and why she fell in love with him, but he’s changed in all the other ways that matter. And so has she.

There’s this quirky 90s romantic comedy that Ted and Lily love and as a result the rest of the group has been forced to endure a time or two on movie night. She and Barney hate the film and find it incredibly cheesy. Yet there’s one quote in the movie that’s always stuck out for her because it appeals to that closeted romantic fourteen year old still secretly locked inside condemning everything her adult self lived by, with building up walls and running from feelings and always needing to be in control of her emotions. The line says, Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them. And it turns out that was the answer to her head versus heart debate all along.

Barney still isn’t perfect; he never will be. But perfect would be boring. Perfect never set her heart aflutter. Only he ever has. And perfect wouldn’t understand or appreciate her. Perfect would want to change her, because she’s far from perfect herself and never will be.

She doesn’t want or need perfect. She just needed to know one final, definitive time that it’s okay to trust her heart to Barney. She doesn’t need a locket from him. Barney came through for her simply by showing up just now, and that’s way better than a silly locket buried by a girl who was on the right track but didn’t even yet understand real love.

What Barney’s shown her just now is that he gets it. He recognizes the importance of complete honesty between them and he just proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’ll make good on it. It’s not just lip service. He truly believes it and means it and wants them to live that way. And he respects her enough to admit it when he didn’t quite live up to that ideal.

And the thing is, she hasn’t lived up to that ideal either. She lied to him about why she’s out here. She didn’t tell him the truth about the locket and what that symbolized for her. She even downplayed and lied about how important it was that he come to the park. Barney told her the truth and he deserves to hear it too. But she didn’t offer him honesty. When she was having all those concerns and fears she should have called for him. She should have talked to him about it. But she just bolted from the church instead. She chickened out and fell back on her first instinct of running away from her fears, running scared whenever anything becomes complicated or uncertain.

She’s always had a tendency to settle for the path of least resistance and take the easy way – like on the night before she moved to New York; like she did time and again with Metro News 1; like she tried to do with the lotto girl job and later picking the coin flip bimbo position over WWN; like the way she stayed with Kevin; like how after that breakup she almost contemplated trying with Ted simply because she’d given up; even like the way she nearly didn’t go up to the roof when she thought Barney was going to propose to Patrice, just like she didn’t say anything when he actually proposed to Quinn.

Why does she keep doing this? Running from anything difficult and just giving up on what she wants rather than taking a chance at it and risking she might fail and get hurt?

And why did she even allow all of this with Barney to become complicated and uncertain in her mind when now it all seems so obvious and straightforward and easy? She got so crazy over the Central Park incident, and the whole idea of Barney finding her locket, and then freaked out over him lying about. She let what should have been relatively small things tie her up in knots and cause her to this time literally run away. On the surface it makes it seem like she’s some kind of diva who expects to be worshiped by Barney, but that isn’t what she wants at all.

As he continues to hold her tenderly, the real underlying reason she got this way hits her like a ton of bricks and she knows instantly that it’s true. The issue, the fear with Barney has always been that she loves him so intensely, just so much, that sometimes she can’t believe he could actually love her that much back, that she could continue to be his number one priority and focus. Yeah, she’s got a slammin’ hot body, but on the inside she’s long been such a mess that sometimes it’s still so hard for her to believe that a guy like Barney with awesomeness at his core, who could literally have anyone – and practically has – could continue to feel such love and devotion to her of all people. It seemed too good to be true, too good to count on and expect it to last. So with Barney’s every tiny slipup and failure to meet perfection she went right back to questioning the security of their relationship and wondering ‘Is this the proof that it’s all going to fall apart?’ and ‘Is this the evidence that he isn’t going to be there for me or love me enough?’.

But that’s not a failing in him. Barney’s done nothing wrong. This is her own issue – and insecurity in herself is the basis of it. That’s no shortcoming of his; it’s a shortcoming of hers. Robin can now admit to herself that this is a crippling habit she’s had her entire life, and it’s one that she has to break if she’s ever going to let herself be permanently happy.

She has to fight for the things that matter and believe that she is worthy of them. She has to be brave and trust her heart and go after the things she really wants, the things that are right for her, no matter what anyone else says. She’s got to take those leaps even though they might not always be the simplest thing, even when it might mean taking a risk – and, yes, even if it doesn’t make perfect logical sense.

She once said she’d need to Ted to get her down the aisle when she started freaking out, but Ted has proven pretty useless in all this. Finding the courage to break this cycle, it has to come from herself not from anyone else.

And with just fourteen minutes left before their wedding is set to begin, Robin’s determined to let go of her insecurities and fears once and for all, to open up to Barney completely about everything, and give him that same total honesty he’s just given her. It’s going to start right now, right this moment, by telling him the whole truth about the last eight minutes. And if he’s not too angry with her after hearing all that, it’s going to culminate in going back and becoming his wife – because that’s the only thing in this world that could ever make her truly, deeply happy.

“Barney….” Robin gently draws back from their hug to look into his eyes. “You just told me the absolute truth, even knowing it was something I might not want to hear, and I have to be honest with you too.” She takes a deep breath, forging ahead with the difficult truth despite being unsure of just how he will react. “I didn’t actually have to tell the band anything. I’m out here because I got scared, and I freaked out and…..I kind of tried to run away for a few minutes there.....”

“I know,” Barney says simply, giving her a soft smile. “Why do you think I came out here looking for you? I did have a realization about Marshall and Lily, and about our vows, and that honesty is the only thing that matters. But I was going upstairs to tell you all that – and the truth about the locket – when I saw you running across the church lawn. I knew right away what happened.”

Robin wraps her mind around that, how even knowing she was potentially pulling a runaway bride Barney still didn’t get upset with her. He just calmly asked her if she was okay, and then he gave her every reassurance she needed without even knowing that’s what she needed.

And that is why they’re soul mates.

But she still has to tell him the rest of the truth – the worst part of it. “But there’s more,” she says regretfully, pulling back completely from his embrace now; she feels a bit like she doesn’t deserve it. Averting her eyes from his, she confesses, “I came out here after I momentarily suggested that…..that Ted and I should run away together to Chicago,” she mumbles shamefully, getting it all out in hurry.

While Barney is surprised at that, he doesn’t find her confession upsetting because he understands it for what it was: a last-ditch, desperate attempt to avoid facing her fear. He used to do the same thing when he was a teenager and it was time for his driver’s ed classes. He sincerely did want to learn how to drive, but he was so terrified of getting behind the wheel that he’d always take off to help out his Nana, using that as his go-to excuse to keep from facing that fear.

Robin reaches for his hand imploringly. “I didn’t really mean it, Barney. Honestly, I didn’t. I was just – ”

“I know you didn’t mean it,” he tells her with a smile in his voice.

“You – you do?” she asks, both hopeful and taken aback at his reaction.

“If you wanted to be with Ted you could have, many times over,” Barney explains calmly. “But you didn’t want to be with him. You don’t want to be with him. Anyone can see that. I’m sure Ted did too. That’s why he told you ‘no’, isn’t it?”

Robin closes her eyes remorsefully and silently nods. He can see she’s inwardly beating herself up for the way she’s acted and he squeezes her hand gently in support. “Robin, if you were really trying to run away you wouldn’t have come to our reception,” he points out. “I know you weren’t actually trying to back out of the wedding. You were just afraid. This was just a ‘Robin goes crazy’ moment all over again – and we’re all entitled to go a little crazy right before we’re getting married.”

“It only got so far out of control because I knew you lied about my locket,” she promises. “I was upset that you’d lie to me that way and – ”

“I didn’t want to,” Barney interrupts, because she has to at least know that part. “It was against my better judgment and I started to protest but Ted told me I had to do it. He said you were nervous and that you needed the locket to come from me. But you’re right,” he freely grants, contrite now himself. “That’s still no excuse. It doesn’t matter what the circumstance is, I can’t ever lie to you that way if I want you to trust me and believe in me and feel secure in our relationship. Everything that’s happened with Marshall and Lily showed me that. That’s how I knew I made a big mistake listening to Ted. What you really needed from me was honesty – complete and total honesty – not lying about your locket.”

Robin sighs heavily, hating that she’s made him feel like he has to prove himself. She can see that he didn’t even want to lie to her. He’s the most blameless one in this whole situation and yet somehow it’s come off like she’s the put-upon party and that simply isn’t right. She has to dismiss him of that notion immediately. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Barney. I know you don’t always lie to me. I just – I got scared. On some level as we got closer to the wedding….I guess I was still waiting to find the catch in it. I think it’s because I love you so much. I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes I don’t know what to do with all that love. Sometimes I panic; I get afraid that the rug will be swept out from underneath me and this will all go away…..Sometimes I’m scared I love you so much that you couldn’t possibly love me that much too.”

Her voice was so quiet and heartbreakingly vulnerable during the last part of her confession that Barney wraps his arms around her again and draws her back into his embrace. “Well that’s just silly. You are the single most amazing woman on the face of this planet. I couldn’t possibly not love you that much.”

She smiles tremulously, touched by his words. “You’re not mad? You forgive me?”

“Robin, it’s no different than your mom on the airplane. She got so freaked out she tried to open the door at 30,000 feet and had to be hogtied for everyone’s protection. But she made it here,” he reminds her. “And do you care right now that yesterday she ran away from the airport and almost didn’t come?”

“No,” Robin shakes her head.

“No you don’t,” Barney echoes. “Because none of that matters. It only matters that she got here. She came because she wanted to be with you above all else. As terrified as she was and as crazy as that fear temporarily made her, she wanted to be with you even more. That’s all I see here, Robin. You could be on your way back to Manhattan right now, but instead you came to our reception tent. Because as terrified as you were, you wanted us to be married even more. Sometimes it’s not about conquering the fear. It’s about doing it anyway because you want it that much.” He rubs her arm reassuringly, flashing a hint of one of his patented mischievous smiles. “Besides, you’re not the only one who gets scared. I tried to climb out the window earlier.”

“You did?” she asks, amused.

“Yep.”

“So did I.” She laughs self-deprecatingly. “I was a mess, Barney. It wasn’t just the locket. That was plenty crazy enough, but my mind kept racing from one irrational thing to the next…..My mom said some stuff earlier that made me think you might be too much like my dad. The thought had already occurred to me once before on that day when you guys were playing laser tag together, and so hearing it from her too was alarming.”

Barney’s face pulls a mystified expression. “Me, like your dad? Huh. I don’t see it…..I guess he wears suits a lot, but not all the time, and lately he’s been known to wear the occasional Hawaiian shirt – which is something I wouldn’t be caught dead in.” He thinks about it a second and acknowledges, “We are both competitive, and we both like cigars and scotch. But those are all qualities I share with you.”

“I know, I know. I know it’s irrational. There was some other stuff too, like apparently my dad used to run plays – or at least a play – and he has a gay black brother and was once engaged to a stripper, but none of that – ”

“Hold on,” Barney stops her in astonishment. “Your dad ran a play?”

“It would seem so,” she confirms, discomfited. “The way my mom tells it I think it was “The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick”, or some derivative thereof.”

“What do you know?” Barney muses. “And I thought that was an original. But to tell you the truth, Robin, running a play to get a girl to sleep with you isn’t all that unique. Most guys have done at some point in their lives. They just don’t call it that, or name the technique and write down the steps, but it’s running a play all the same. And women do it too. I’ve seen you run plays – and not just on me.”

“I know,” Robin admits laughingly. “I do. I realize now how insane I was being. Those were all just surface things, coincidences that don’t amount to anything. It’s just, you know how commitment and weddings have always had a tendency to freak us both out. And this is our wedding; this is us doing it. So I was already in this weird, spooked state of mind.”

“I can understand that, believe me.” Barney eases her back a little from him so he can get a better look at her face but he still keeps his hands at her waist, his thumb running over her ribcage in a tender caress through the soft gauze of her wedding dress. “But you do know that I only bonded with your dad because that’s what you wanted, right? I mean if it was up to me I wouldn’t be hanging out with your dad socially that’s for sure – dude’s infuriating. I just thought it would make you happy. I know you’ve forgiven him and you want him in your life so I’ve tried for your sake. And I guess the guy’s not all bad anymore. But there’s not a moment that goes by when I’m with him that I don’t remember what he did to you. I hope you don’t think I’m anything like him in that regard. I haven’t always been the most open about my feelings – hell, there was a time I wouldn’t admit them at all. But I think I’ve changed and I’m doing better with that.”

“You are. I know you are,” she agrees. “You do tell me what you’re feeling, you share things with me. You just came to me about all that stuff with your mom and your dad. And I appreciate that, Barney. That’s how I want us to be.....I think I’m the one who still needs work,” she admits self-critically.

“Maybe we’re both still a work in progress around the edges,” Barney concedes. “But we can work on it together. And you know there’s nothing you can’t tell me, no matter what, don’t you? Robin, you could have told me about the fears you were having and we could have talked them through together, just like we did with my panic attacks after we first got engaged. From now on that’s what we definitely should do. And not just you, me too. I should have told you all about the locket and where I got it. I should have been honest with you from the start. The truth is I was a bit humiliated by it, and a part of me didn’t want you to know where it really came from. But I don’t ever want you to feel like I’m emotionally unavailable like your father. So in case you’ve ever had any doubts: I love you, Robin, and I am proud of you. I’m proud of everything you do. I’ve never been more proud in my life than I am to be marrying you.”

It moves Robin to tears hearing Barney say the words her father never would, and again it makes her feel awful for even momentarily putting him in the same class as her dad. Barney tells her he loves her at least once every day. And forget “The Robin” or their rehearsal dinner, he does sweet loving things for her on a private, intimate scale all the time – and that’s far more meaningful to her than the big, public grand gestures no matter what convention might say. “Barney, you’re not emotionally unavailable. This is my fault. It was my issue. I put too much stock in that locket. I was already nervous and having jitters about our wedding – about getting married, period. I thought if I could just find my locket that would be a sign that you and I were meant to get married and that everything would be perfect in our marriage and we’d never break up the way my parents did. But then I couldn’t find the locket and that freaked me out…..And I suppose I also set it as some sort of test in my mind. I was looking for a sign from the Universe and when I called you that day and you didn’t come, I called Ted as a backup and he came, and then he found my locket, and that’s the only reason I even fleetingly said that about running away with him. Because he was the one who came through for me – and what that might mean really freaked me out.”

Barney feels a slight sting at that, already angry with himself for not being there for her that day. Robin sees the flicker of it pass across his face and she moves her hands up to his arms, intently imparting, “But that was my fault for giving it importance it didn’t have. None of that matters, and I never should have set up one day in the park as any kind of test or Universe sign to begin with. I was scared, and that tends to make me not think very clearly. It’s the only excuse I can offer, though it doesn’t make it right….But I’ve always been scared when it comes to you because I’ve always been scared to follow my heart, and you’re the one who owns it – the only one who’s ever owned it.”

He smiles down at her, pulling her back in closer. “Robin Scherbatsky was looking for a sign from the Universe? You were freaked out, weren’t you?” he teases.

“Yes,” she owns up with an embarrassed half-smile of her own. “I know it was stupid….”

“No,” Barney corrects her adamantly. “It wasn’t stupid. A bit unorthodox and out of character,” he drolly amends, “but not stupid. Nothing you ever feel, Robin, is stupid. Maybe sometimes, like in this instance, it’s incorrect. But not stupid.”

“I feel stupid for making such a fuss about a piece of jewelry.”

“But that’s clearly not all it was to you. If I’d known what it truly meant, I would have moved heaven and earth to be that sign for you. Robin, I wish I could have been the one who found you your locket,” he admits. “I always want to come through for you. I did set some guys on it, but it came up empty-handed. They told me that after almost twenty years it was impossible. But I shouldn’t have given up. I should have kept trying. I’m disappointed in myself. When I came to the park later that afternoon and saw how upset you were I – ”

“Wait.” Robin’s heart speeds up at that last part he just said. “You came to the park?”

“Yes,” Barney finally admits. “As soon as I was done with your dad. But when I got there Ted was already there and I was too ashamed to let you know I was there too. Because that should have been me there with you holding your hand, if I’d only come sooner. I should have come sooner,” he bitterly criticizes himself.

“Barney, no.” She’s had it all wrong. Here she’s been wondering what it meant that he didn’t come to her – and even then it was such a small, isolated, one-time thing – when all this time he’s been berating himself for coming but not quickly enough. “It doesn’t matter that Ted got there first. He’d only been there for ten, fifteen minutes at the most. All that matters is that you came,” she discloses, her voice breaking because this latest revelation has removed every last concern she’s ever had.

“Of course I came. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.” And because it’s indelibly stamped on his heart he tells her, “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone, and I’d do anything I can to make you happy.” He has no idea that’s exactly what he said in truth serum mode to Ted that Robin never got to hear.

“I’ll do anything I can to make you happy too,” Robin vows. “I know it may not seem like it right now, but I really will.”

“You already do.”

She cups his face in her hands, kissing him gently. “I love you, Barney. I’m sorry I had doubts, but I’ve always, always loved you. That’s one thing I’ve never doubted.”

Barney brings her lips back to his a second time, savoring it a second before easing back to say, “So….there’s a minister waiting for us. And, Robin Scherbatsky, I cannot wait to make you my wife.”

“You won’t be able to call me Scherbatsky for long,” she grins, letting him go to put her shoes back on. He bends to help her and once they’ve got her securely back in her silver heels and Barney’s up on his feet again too, Robin grabs his hand. “Let’s hurry. I can’t wait to make you my husband either.”

When they reach the entrance to the tent they quickly discover that it’s now raining harder so they dash across the street with their arms around one another’s waists, each helping to hold up her skirt. They opt to run inside the church through the parking lot to avoid seeing their guests and, once inside, for a moment they just stand there in the deserted back entryway, breathless and laughing.

She reaches up to pat at her up-do, but without a mirror handy it isn’t much use. “My hair is slipping out, I’m rained on, and I’ve been crying. Some bride I’ll make. I need to fix up before the ceremony,” she observes, but even as she’s saying it she notices him standing back to admire her.

“You look beautiful, Robin.” He can’t even describe how incredible and amazing and mindboggling and just everything all rolled into one it is to be in the church, just minutes away from marrying her. It is quite literally everything he dreamed of but for years didn’t dare imagine he could ever have. “God, I can’t believe I’m this lucky.”

She shakes her head. “I can’t believe I am.”

Something so deep and rich and full of love passes between them. It can’t begin to be put into words, so they just smile.

Robin eyes twinkle up at him and she tells him playfully, “Being married to you, it’s gonna be legen….wait for it – ”

Barney puts a finger to hers lips, stopping her. “Remember? We’ve done enough waiting.”

“Yes we have,” she smiles. “We don’t have to wait for it anymore.”

He nods in the direction of the chapel, a light of mischief in his eyes. “So get in there and marry me. I dare you.”

She looks lovingly back at him, now with a light of mischief in her eyes that perfectly matches his. “Challenge accepted.”

Even though they’re breaking all wedding etiquette, he can’t resist and reaches out and draws her to him again, kissing her soft and warm and, like them, just right.

When they pull away, Robin’s finger are fisted in his lapels and her voice is low and sensuous as she reminds him, “That’s what we did four days ago.”

“What?” he murmurs, dazed, his mind and body distracted by that kiss.

“‘Challenge accepted’. That’s what we did four days ago.”

“Oh,” Barney remembers. His nose crinkles up as he nods and smirks at her. “Yeah we did.”

“I won,” Robin answers, bringing his mouth back to hers.

“As I recall, repeatedly,” he whispers, kissing her a third time until the heat and the fire and the chemistry start to boil over and his hands slip down around her waist, pulling her against him.

It’s then that Ted walks out from around the corner. Neither one of them have even the slightest clue that he’d seen them back at the tent, having gone after Robin himself. They were both too wrapped up in each other to notice the rest of the world.

“Alright guys, keep it together,” Ted says pleasantly. “I’m sure there’s a bathroom stall with your names on it, but that’s not for at least another hour.”

Robin and Barney break apart at the interruption but the only place they look is into each other’s eyes. After sharing one more smile that’s just for them, Barney slowly lets his arms fall from around her, turning to his bro without missing a beat. “A bathroom stall? Please, Ted. What do you take us for? Our marriage will be consummated in the janitor’s closet. I already scoped it out when we booked the place. It’s got just the right atmosphere of class mixed with dirty,” he jokes, leering at his soon-to-be wife. “Plus it has a wide, smooth door – and a pleasant tinge of lemon in the air.”

Ted just shakes his head. With them, he’s not sure if Barney’s kidding or not. “Come on, let’s get you two married.”

****

After Ted takes Barney with him back toward the chapel where their guests have already been seated, Robin heads up to her room for some final touchups. She has seven minutes to fix herself back up, six when you consider that she needs to be downstairs and ready to walk in by 5:59.

It’s four minutes to when Robin looks in the mirror and smiles at her reflection, approving of what she sees – and without even a trace of all the nervousness and anxiety of earlier. There’s nothing but happiness now.

She glances down at the dressing table and her old locket lying there on top and ponders if she wants to even wear it anymore or just stick to the earring and necklace set she has on. She hadn’t thought of or remembered her teenage locket for the longest time and had instead especially purchased the set she’s wearing from an antique jewelry store so they could qualify as her “something old”. And now that she’s come to her senses, she realizes how silly it was putting so much stock in this old beat-up locket that doesn’t even match her dress.

Still, the locket was important in her family history and it was passed down to her, which is something she’d like to honor. And there’s the matter of the promise she made to herself at fourteen.

Taking off the necklace she’s wearing, Robin thinks back on that day almost twenty years ago, and maybe she has finally shaken off the deep-seated insecurities she’s long been shackled with because she’s rather proud of herself and the woman she is today. She did move here, just like she said she would, and she’s achieved every last part of that dream of hers. She lives in New York City now. She’s a semi-famous, up-and-coming WWN reporter, and she has her distinguished fiancé waiting downstairs to marry her. All of that is what makes this locket a meaningful “something old” even though she doesn’t need it as a sign anymore.

……But come to think of it, all she’d originally wanted or asked for was to find her locket. That was the sign that she’s meant to marry Barney. She never specified who or where it had to come from. She was hoping to find it herself still buried in the ground. It never had to come from Barney to be her sign. It only needed to be found. And it has been…..Which means she got the sign she’d asked for after all, the sign from the Universe that their marriage is blessed from on high and they’ll be together forever and always.

There used to be a time when she didn’t believe in miracles, but she has hers now. She and Barney have their against-all-odds, miraculous happy ending – and that’s made her a believer.

Robin blinks away tears of happiness just as a knock sounds on her door. “Come in,” she calls, reaching back and attempting to fasten her locket around her neck.

“Robin,” she hears her father’s voice sound behind her with something close to admiration in his tone, and she looks up into the mirror to see him staring back at her. “Here, let me help you with that,” he says, crossing to her and taking over the task. “Is this your grandmother’s locket?”

“Yeah,” she nods.

“I was wrong back then. If I could have seen you now, I would have known it. You make a lovely bride.”

“Thanks, dad,” she smiles.

‘Glad’ isn’t a strong enough word for it, but she is glad and then some that they’re working on patching up their father-daughter relationship. After all, no matter what the past has been he will always be her father, and he’s the one who primarily raised her.

But she’s realized now that Barney’s love and adoration and devotion are all that she’s needed. So if she and her dad never get to the place that Barney and his dad have reached, if she never hears ‘Robin, I love you and I’m proud of you’ from her father’s mouth, she’ll still be okay. Because Barney is the one who made her whole and unbroken and he’s all she’ll ever need.

“Are you ready?” her dad asks.

Robin nods. “I am.” And she feels it with every fiber of her being.

“Then let’s go give you away to that blond fiancé of yours.”

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.22 Part I - Section B

2014-05-22T19:57:00Z

For the past three minutes Barney has wandered through the church working on his vows, but he still hasn’t been able to piece together anything that feels right. Finally he decides to go into the chapel itself, and when he does he comes upon a sight he wasn’t expecting: Marshall and Lily standing at the altar where he and Robin will soon be standing, restating updated vows to each other. These vows aren’t profound and lyrical this time – quite the opposite – but they are real and true and meaningful just the same.

And that’s when Barney realizes that although Lily and Marshall broke nearly every one of their vows it’s not because they’re a bad couple, or because that level of devotion is simply unattainable. The reason they broke them is because vows don’t need to be – perhaps outright shouldn’t be – beautiful and poetic when life itself isn’t always beautiful and poetic. Life is messy and complicated at times, and love can be too. That’s what makes wedding vows actually rather impractical because a marriage is a living, breathing thing. Any kind of promises or vows in that marriage will need to be ever adjustable just like the people who make them.

In fact, Marshall and Lily are proof that wedding vows aren’t even necessary at all. They broke almost all of theirs and yet their marriage is still solid and strong and they remain the most picture-perfect and functional couple he’s ever known.

Barney watches them kiss at the conclusion of their new and improved vows and he can see that despite the huge fight they just had they’re still so obviously in love. Their marriage is the best example he’s ever borne witness to.

……And come to think of it, they only had that huge fight because Marshall wasn’t honest with Lily…..And the other huge fight they had in their marriage, when he and Robin were afraid they’d gotten a divorce, that too was because Lily hadn’t been honest with Marshall about her credit card debt and shopping addiction.

The epiphany hits Barney all at once: honesty. Pretty vows are lovely, and it’s wonderful if you can keep them all. And, yes, there are other important things that go without saying – things like communication, and loving each other, thoughtfulness and caring, and so forth – but when it comes down to it honesty is the vital component to having a successful marriage.

It’s what he and Robin need too. That is what he has to vow to her. All the rest of those lyrical, Lionel Richie style vows are just surface things and often not very true to life. What a marriage really amounts to is living together and loving each other, making a life together on a day-to-day basis. And in that there’s only one vow that matters: always be honest with each other.

Love and honesty are the only things necessary to have a lasting marriage. The first time around they had love, but they still had a long way to go on the honesty front. They weren’t honest and open with each other about their feelings, or about their wants and needs, and that ultimately led to their relationship falling apart. To prevent that from happening this time around, to guarantee their marriage grows and thrives, they have the deep and abiding love; all they have to do now is be honest with each other at all times.

They’re already most of the way there. But honesty 99% of the time won’t do. That’s what happened with Marshall and Lily, and that 1% of dishonesty led to the biggest crisis of their marriage. That’s why the only thing he needs to vow to Robin is honesty 100% of the time, without fail and with no exceptions.

Unfortunately while he’s just realized that, only minutes ago he’d also just lied to Robin about her locket.

He has to go and find her and tell her the realization he’s had – and he has to tell her the truth about her locket.

He could wait and tell her all this during the ceremony the way you’re supposed to. He does want to do this wedding stuff right, after all, and no one says their vows beforehand. But he feels genuinely bad about lying to her. He never wanted to in the first place and now that he’s realized the utmost importance of honesty at all time, that honesty itself is the one and only vow needed in a marriage, he can’t let theirs start out having just told her a lie. He needs to clear this up with her and fix this, let her know that any kind of lying or dishonesty or even evasions of the truth that all stops now.

While Lily and Marshall are still kissing, Barney silently walks out of the chapel, a man with a purpose. He’s heading towards the staircase when he happens to look out the window and sees Robin bolting across the lawn back towards the Farhampton Inn.

He instantly pieces it together. She’s running scared like he almost had.

Barney immediately adjusts course to go after her. He’s not going to pressure her. He’s just going to make this one vow to her now, and after that the choice has to be hers.

But he believes in their love enough that he knows she’ll come to her senses just like he had.

****

In her dash across the church’s lawn, Robin knew she could have hopped into someone’s car. She even saw Ranjitt. She could have easily climbed into the limo and asked him to take her away. But she ran across the street to the hotel instead, thinking to go up to their room or perhaps just out to the beach, subconsciously knowing full well that those are both places she’ll be found fairly quickly, whereas having Ranjitt take her back to the city would have ended this wedding here and now.

But she didn’t escape, because she doesn’t actually want to run away. She isn’t sure what she should do. She just needs to try and think for a minute.

When Robin sees their reception tent it just feels right. She’s drawn in and her feet automatically take her there. Pausing just inside the tent to take her shoes off, she gathers her skirt up higher since she’s been tripping over it, and she’s so preoccupied looking back through the window to make sure Ted isn’t coming after her that she runs directly into a woman, knocking them both to the ground.

Robin apologizes to the poor woman and helps her up, making sure she’s okay. The woman responds in kind, asking Robin if she’s okay too, which Robin assures her she is. But then the woman asks her if she’s sure, being as how sprinting from a church in a wedding dress doesn’t seem very okay.

Now is another chance for Robin to run away and keep on running. Lie and say she’s fine, or not say anything at all, just take off. But she stays anyway, knowing that every second that passes increases the odds of Ted finding her. She stays and she confides her intimate and private innermost feelings to a perfect stranger – something extremely unlike her to ever do.

“Um, to be honest I’m – I’m wondering if this whole getting married thing is something I can go through with.” She only phrases it as ‘wondering’, not that she’s sure or that she’s already decided it’s a mistake and she wants out. But even then, just admitting that much out loud a second time has Robin beginning to hyperventilate again.
Because the truth is she doesn’t want to call it off. She couldn’t possibly want anything less. She’s simply still looking for someone – anyone, even this perfect stranger – to talk her out of being a runaway bride and get her to a place of reassurance where she’s calm and it makes sense to be marrying Barney. She just desperately wants someone to straighten her out and give her convincing peace of mind so she can go back and marry Barney like she wants to do.

But when the stranger only replies “Oh” and “Wow”, Robin feels her heart sink in disappointment. “That’s it?” she asks disbelievingly. No, that can’t be it! She needs more than that. “…..Aren’t you supposed to talk me out of it?” Please, talk me out of it. “Tell me it’s just cold feet? I’m – I’m being crazy?” she nods, adding another silent plea to this woman to offer her some help here.

However the stranger’s lone response is to point out, “I don’t really know you.”

Robin blinks. Of course that’s true. They don’t even know each other at all so how can this woman possibly give her sound marital advice? How could she expect that or even ask that of her? It just shows how crazy she is being to suggest it.

But she really does need someone’s help right now, someone’s guidance – or even someone to tell her straight-out what to do.

Her whole life she’s been torn between what she wants and what she should do. For the past sixteen years, what she should do has won out over what she wants, again and again. She finally broke that cycle for good and did just the opposite – definitively choosing heart over head and love over reason – by taking a chance with Barney and telling him ‘yes’ back in December. And her life has been amazing since making that choice. But in the back of her mind a part of her has been living in fear of the consequences of that risk of following her heart ever since.

“Here’s all I’ll say,” the stranger offers. “When I’m overwhelmed, I force myself to do one simple thing before I make a decision.” The woman moves closer, placing both hands on her shoulders, and Robin awaits for some big wisdom of life to be handed down. “Close my eyes and take three deep breaths.”

Once again Robin’s rocked with disappointment. Only this time it’s mixed with a heavy dose of cynicism that, not surprisingly, she gets no benefit of deep meaningful life wisdom, not for her life. She just gets a lot of useless hogwash like ‘take three deep breaths’.

“Sometimes even three deep breathes can change everything,” the stranger avows.

That seems silly to Robin, stupid, but this nice woman appears to genuinely believe it. And what does she have to lose at this point? So with a slight smile of thanks she turns away to give this whole breathing thing a shot.

The stranger told her to take three clarifying breaths before making her final decision and Robin takes that seriously, putting on the frame of mind to try to stop being so overwhelmed and just really think back on the whole of her relationship with Barney, what she knows about him, and herself, and the two of them together. Closing her eyes, she exhales the longest, heaviest sigh of her life and starts to take her first calming breath with the idea to pull from their past – all of their moments, their entire history together – to find that thing to cling to she’s been searching for.

And now that she’s made the conscious effort to quiet her raging fear and pull herself from this panic attack for even just a few seconds her heart screams out, telling her that Barney may have fallen short today but he has done lovely things for her. Robin’s mind latches on to that fact, drawing from it as she thinks back.

Years ago, Barney volunteered to go with her to give her dogs away; Barney, not Ted – and Ted was her boyfriend at the time, as well as the very reason she had to give away her dogs in the first place. Yet Barney was the one who wanted to be there to support her. Barney was the one to dry the tears that embarrassed her when she said goodbye. Barney was there with no obligation to be and no ulterior motive. He was just there for her, because she needed someone.

When she came back from Argentina, Barney was the only one who recognized that she wasn’t being her true self and tried to break her out of it. The same thing goes for her funk after Don dumped her. Both times he was the one there for her, helping return her to her senses and who she truly is inside.

Back when the gang was first discovering her Robin Sparkles history when Ted guessed she’d been married instead and she revealed to him in confidence that it was “true”, Ted went and immediately told everyone else, heedless of her feelings, while Barney was the one promising not to show the others the rest of her video he’d unearthed because he cared for her feelings and wanted to protect her dignity.

Barney was the one, the only one, she’d let herself fall apart to after Simon dumped her that second time. Barney held her, made her laugh, complimented her, did and said all the right things with a sweetness and gentleness the others would have never guessed he even possessed. And all of that sensitivity and warm compassion was just for her, just to comfort her and make her feel better, with no thought of getting anything in return. He was certainly there for her that night. She was able to fully rely on him for comfort and support. She’d never felt so safe in her life as she did that night crying on his shoulder at MacLaren’s.

In fact the “Sandcastles” incident was such a prominent moment for them it caused her to invite him back to her place because she was so touched at how immensely he’d been there for her – and that led her to finally give in to their attraction and sleep with him that night. It was such a special moment for the both of them and their relationship to come that’s why she chose that song to walk down the aisle to.

She wonders now how in her earlier rant about the most loving things Barney’s ever done for her she hadn’t considered that moment – and so many other moments like it that are an integral part of their history.

Like the moments that would come in the days to follow their first time sleeping together when Barney took all the blame, never once telling the others that she had kissed him, just letting them think she’d been seduced by the big bad wolf if that’s what it took to protect the privacy of a moment that should have been only between them. He even got ousted from the group and temporarily lost Ted’s friendship because of it.

And Barney was there for her too a few months later, convincing her to try for the network job she wanted because she was anything but a joke, believing in her when she’d already given up on herself – which is par for the course as he’s the only one who has always believed in and supported her career.

He worked tirelessly – staying up all night to finish her video resume on his own when she’d lost hope and quit – to secure her the job at Come On, Get Up New York!. It’s because of Barney and his care and support and endless belief in her that she’s even able to be in this country right now. He was definitely there for her. He went above and beyond for her.

Barney bent over backwards trying to learn to be a good boyfriend to her at a time when he was still too emotionally damaged for that to even be entirely possible, but he was willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy.

He brought her back from Canada when she was in the midst of a drunken identity crisis and even got beat up but good defending her and deriding all others in that coffee shop for not seeing how awesome she is. And all of that was completely spontaneous. It wasn’t a matter of ‘ask and he’ll be there’ like Ted that day in the park. She didn’t even have to ask Barney. He saw she was upset and he just jumped in to make it better for her. And he later went on to give her the Super Date for that very same reason. No one has ever done for her the kind of thoughtful and meaningful things that Barney has, things that aren’t just superfluous and for show but actually carry profound value and significance and feeling.

She’s already recalled it once but it bears repeating how when she’d given up and thought herself worthless and unlovable in the face of Don unceremoniously dumping her following her heartbreaking split from Barney, while the others ignored her breakdown Barney was there to challenge her and get her back up on her feet in the way that he knew would unfailingly work to bring back her spunk, her determination, and her confidence in herself.

And Barney got her the win when she needed it most during their Subway Wars. Ted, who she gave so much acclaim to earlier, wasn’t even willing to let her win. Barney had to physically tackle his best bro to the street in order to be there for her and give her what she needed. But he did it, without question and without any notion of taking credit or even of her ever knowing that he’d done it – he still won’t own up to it to this day, still wanting her to feel like she got the win on her own merits, still thinking of her first and being there for her above all else.

When Ted made her doubt everything about herself and preyed on all those insecurities her father and then society created about never being good enough and always being inherently wrong, Barney stepped in to tell her she’s amazing and strong and independent, and that all the things that Ted and the others derided are the very things he loves about her.

Barney was responsible for reuniting her with Jessica. He used his contacts to hunt Jessica down, disguising it under the guise of trying to buy Glitter’s costume – and she should have known right then since Barney was only ever interested in direct Robin Sparkles props and would have been after her Space Teens costume if he was really after souvenirs. Then he allowed Marshall and Lily to take credit for the reunion, because the only thing that mattered to Barney was knowing she needed to exorcise those demons to move on and wanting to fulfill that need for her in any way he could.

When she felt bad because even in a hurricane her dad couldn’t be bothered to be concerned about her, Barney told her he was an idiot because a single day without talking to her rendered the entire day no good. He made her feel that at least to one man she mattered oh so much.

Barney was totally, one hundred percent there for her when he thought she was pregnant with their child. Rather than running out the door like he’d always done before, he was nothing but supportive of her every step of the way, wanting to go to the doctor with her and even being there to support her in the actual examine room.

When she was feeling bad because she thought he “erased” her so as not to upset Quinn, Barney put his pride aside and showed her his secret collection of them, no matter how it might embarrass him, because he wanted her to know that he did love her and she meant more to him than anything.

Barney was constantly there by her side giving her the encouragement and support to dump Nick when the others were just going to sit by and let her continue in a relationship with a man she couldn’t even bear to talk. He even rushed into Splitsville offering to do the hard part for her if she felt she couldn’t do it herself.

All throughout “The Robin” that she’d earlier dismissed as built on lies, what Barney actually proved was how well he knows her, better than anyone else. And not just her habits and quirks. He knows her heart. He knew what she wanted, but he also knew she would be too afraid to ever reach for it if he didn’t carefully orchestrate a situation to make her see how much she was risking and just exactly what she was throwing away by being too afraid to face and own what was in her heart.

And once they were back together, he showed what a great partner he’ll be in the way he did everything humanly possible to win her father’s approval. Not because they’re alike but because that’s what she wanted. And eventually when her father simply wouldn’t budge, he stood up to the man – something it took her thirty-two years to find the courage to do – telling him how wonderful his daughter is, what an idiot he’s been, and making him go back and apologize to her and at least try to treat her properly from now on. That right there shows that Barney is nothing like her dad. Her father never lets emotions rule and guide him, while almost everything Barney does is motivated by emotion and feeling.

Barney beat up Alan Thicke when he thought the man might have taken advantage of her.

He blew up the last remaining copy of The Playbook, even though she wasn’t going to make him do it, just because he knew she was uncomfortable about it. For him that meant it had to go, and he was determined to show her that part of his life is over and she is his only priority now.

He was ready and willing to sell his beloved apartment simply because he thought it would make her happy.

He told her right out that because of her he doesn’t have to wait for it anymore. He needs nothing more in his life now because he has her to make him believe in love.

And Barney was so supportive and so intensely there for her, standing behind her one thousand percent, renouncing his entire family in her favor and telling them they’re dead to him because she is everything and will always come first to the point that they might as well not even exist for him such is her superiority and precedence in his life.

When Reverend Lowell was criticizing them and their story, Barney was the first to stand up in their defense because he loves everything about her and their journey to each other.

Barney encouraged her when she feared they might be too much the lone wolves, reassuring her that there is no problem they can’t solve as long as they do so together. Again, she didn’t have to ask him. He just naturally did it for her, jumping in whenever she had a need.

Ted was right before; Barney has been there for her much more than Ted ever has. Barney’s lied to her, yes, and lying about the locket was bad. But Ted admitted he told him to do it. It’s like with Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir; Barney “lied out of love.” And, regardless, all the lies in the world don’t negate the fact that Barney has come through for her plenty of times in plenty of amazing ways. He has gone big for her, maybe not to the grand scale of flying all over the country but in ways that were just as necessary and important to her at the time. And all of that means way more than just a silly locket whose only importance lies in what she’s given it, not the universe.

Now that she’s slowed down and gotten a hold of herself long enough to see things more clearly, Robin instantly recognizes that all of the things she said about Barney before weren’t in any way true. She’d been irrational and her criticisms had been unwarranted.

He may have lied in “The Robin” but it was absolutely necessary. She knows herself and because of that she knows how necessary Barney’s extreme actions were. Anything less wouldn’t have gotten through to her.

And he lied to create their brilliant and amazingly awesome rehearsal dinner, but it was all done simply to surprise her. How can she hold that against him? She did the same thing for the very same reason at his bro mitzvah. She lied right to his face over something big and did it with meaning and feeling. That’s the very same thing she just condemned him for with the locket.

She justified her lie because she did it for the greater good, for this surprise that she knew he’d love. She understood why she was doing it and therefore didn’t see it as something wrong. But that’s hypocritical. It can’t be right for her but wrong for him. Granted, pathological lying was in Barney’s past personality, but she can’t forever put his past on him in the here and now.

So Ted got her locket by desperate means? Why does that mean she owes him anything?….And maybe that’s just it. Maybe it wasn’t so selfless after all. Based on what Ted said to her early this morning, maybe in those moments when he was “going big” to look for her locket all he was secretly doing was hoping it might change her mind.

And even if not, so what?

She knows Barney would fly all over the country for her too to get her what she needed if he only knew what it had really stood for to her. She knows he would have. She doesn’t doubt that at all. And besides, she shouldn’t even be setting up ‘tests’ for him in her mind and judging him based on if he comes through.

Furthermore, what he did with both “The Robin” and their rehearsal dinner, that wasn’t “not real” and it wasn’t all built on lies and b.s. It was a stunning and beautiful demonstration of his love and appreciation for her.

Barney is always doing that for her, accepting her and loving her and appreciating her in a way that none of the rest of the gang has, none of her family has – no one has ever done. No one has ever loved her the way that Barney loves her. So what is she afraid of? Why be afraid to trust her heart and her future to a man like that? There isn’t anyone else in this world who would do right by her the way that Barney does, over and over again selflessly putting her needs and feelings first. So on one day he didn’t come to the park – after she told him not to. What does that even amount to? Just once Barney didn’t come when she called. Just once in an entire eight year relationship with him, in the huge list of ways he has been there for her like no one else ever did or will.

So he lied to her about the locket? That’s not good, but she understands why he did it. Ted told him to do it. He only wanted to calm her. He was only doing what he thought was right by her, what he thought was a good thing. He just wanted to make her happy. That’s the theme repeated again and again in all of these things that she’s remembered.

As she takes her second deep breath, Robin outwardly nods to herself at the inward realization she’s made, at the ton of amazing and loving things Barney has done for her. Any of the tiny handful of allegedly “questionable” things are inconsequential in the grand scheme of their lives.

She’s blown this whole thing way out of proportion. She knows Barney, and she has been happy with him. It has been real. The time since they got engaged has been the best five months of her life.

And all of her mom’s supposed red flags that had her so spooked earlier they actually helped lead to her current panic attack, Robin can see now that they were all blown out of proportion too.

Barney was engaged to a stripper? Well, she was briefly engaged to her therapist, despite not being in love with him – and she was only seeing a therapist because she was legally mandated to go after being arrested because of her out-of-control feelings for Barney. And she ended up cheating on said therapist with Barney, so she’s not exactly one to talk.

Barney used to run plays to get into women’s pants? True, but that’s all a thing of the past. “The Robin” was the last play he’ll ever run, and he destroyed The Playbook not once but twice for her.

He’s always taking his mother’s side? Maybe at first, but once he realized how much it bothered her and how insensitive that was that’s why he stopped and told them all in no uncertain terms that his loyalty lies firmly with her.

He never checks before making plans? They both have been guilty of that – but not on purpose, just as an instinct after so many years spent independently. And they’ve since both agreed not to be those lone wolves anymore – and to prove as much they implemented a fantastically awesome No Questions Asked plan together. They’re amazing at working together. Their laser tag championships stand as ample evidence to that fact. They’ve always made a great team – as bros, as partners, as lovers, at making fun of Ted, at everything.

They had a huge fight right before their rehearsal dinner? Well that doesn’t even count since the fight was staged and Barney knew that would be her reaction. It was all in the interest of her unforgettable surprise.

For nearly the first ten years she didn’t know what he did for a living? Yes, but that was literally a state secret, and he kept it from her just to protect her.

He’s slept with a bunch of women? That one’s true, but he’s done with that now; he even thinks one night stands are disgusting. And she hasn’t exactly been a saint herself. Her list is far longer than most women’s. The only important thing is that she knows above all no matter how many women Barney has bedded she was always more than just another number to him. And she loves the fact that even after all those women she was still so singular to him, the only one he ever madly loved and couldn’t forget.

Forget the red flags. There are no red flags. Her mother’s cautions about her dad that Robin feared might apply to Barney too, they all amount to less than nothing.

So even though she has no idea that her fiancé has in fact now walked into the reception tent, still, by the time Robin opens her eyes she’s already decided to go back and marry Barney.

It’s scary, yes. But screw the odds. The odds don’t know her, and they don’t know Barney. The odds would have had them never even falling in love to begin with. But even before they were officially together, and after, and since they’ve been engaged, and in all the years in between, there have been thousands of ways he’s made her feel so special and so loved, thousands of ways he’s let her know that she is the only thing in the world that truly matters to him. She doesn’t need him to find some silly locket to show her that.

Of course Barney has been and will be there for her.

And as Robin takes her third breath, she turns……and sees that Barney is standing with her in the tent – already there for her – the answer she needed all along.

Taken aback, she blinks just to make sure he’s real. “Barney?”

Section C

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.22 Part One - Section A

2014-05-22T19:51:47Z

Previous Chapters

AN: I’ve never done this before. Since I started writing this it’s always been one chapter for one episode. But things went rogue with that AU finale and what I’m actually dealing with here is two separate chunks – what aired as 9.22 and then what we saw in the very, very beginning of 9.23 (the parts written in the here and now, not Carter Bay’s AU monstrosity from eight years ago). So I’ve decided to split this episode up into two halves (because only just getting up to the wedding I was already at nearly 21,000 words!).

Really, that’s how it should have aired anyway. We all know they should have ended it at Barney and Robin’s wedding and then showed Ted meeting the Mother and fade to black. The way it should have gone is all of the lead-up with Robin’s “serious crisis” and the like should have aired as one entire episode, 9.22, and then the wedding ceremony itself along with the reception and the rest of the night’s events should have been 9.23/9.24. That is the way I’m going to post it in my fic, except I don’t acknowledge their AU 9.23 (meaning past the first 6 ½ minutes) or 9.24 so mine will be posted as “The End of the Aisle, Parts I & II”.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The End of the Aisle, Part I

Waiting for Lily to go get Ted, Robin is so anxious that her stomach feels sick. She’s just so confused and afraid, and though she wants to marry Barney with all of her heart right now her head is terrified that if she does it may not work out. Ted promised to help get her down that aisle, and he’s the only one who knows the truth about her locket and all her fears she told him at the carousel. He has to help her with this; he just has to.

She turns nervously when she hears the door opening and her first question to him is to ask after Barney, find out if he’s freaking out too. Ted informs her that Barney is “totally fine”, which is good news. Considering his history, she really had expected some form of wedding jitters right about now. Of course she expected it from herself too, but who knew Barney would be the calm one and she would be the one completely losing it?

“Um, just one small issue…..Ah….” Her voice breaks as she comes out with the rest because she hates even considering it, hates that it’s come to voicing it out loud. “I can’t go through with this wedding.”

Ted tries to tell her everyone feels this way on their wedding day, but he doesn’t get it. This isn’t just jitters. “No, it’s – it’s more than that. I’m having a serious crisis.”

She wonders about climbing out the window and Ted reminds her it’s the same one he climbed out already with Victoria. But now that she’s gotten as far as contemplating shimmying down drain pipes, it’s only reasonable to assume Ted would like any explanation for what’s prompted this, or at least a little more to go on than just “a serious crisis”.

Trying unsuccessfully to stave off the tears in her eyes, Robin explains to him what she’s been struggling with for hours this afternoon, the fact that while she knows it sounds insane she still thinks it’s a bad sign that she never found her locket.

The box was just empty; that has to be a bad sign, doesn’t it?

And she’d wanted just the opposite – really wanted it – this heavenly sign that her marriage to Barney was blessed from on high and all would be well. If she would have gotten that kind of transcendent reassurance she wouldn’t be freaking out right now. She craved that sort of magical sign, the kind that Ted has been going on about ever since she’s known him, because if she would have gotten that then there wouldn’t be any risk to this at all. If the Universe had told her their marriage would be a beautiful success then it wouldn’t even require any leaps of faith from her. It would just be a no brainer.

And that’s the thing; for the past week she’d secretly wished that Barney would somehow recover her locket. Somehow the Universe would line up for the two of them and he’d be able to do it for her, thus providing her with that certainty. But he didn’t, so here she is.

“I know – I know that’s unfair of me to expect that,” she acknowledges, and what little levelheadedness Robin has left forces her eyes closed just hearing her own self. Because where was Barney supposed to even begin to find her locket? She wouldn’t know where to start. Still, she’d wanted it, and she feels disappointed that she didn’t get that reassurance from him. “But….I want to be with a guy who comes through for me…..you know? The guy who somehow against all odds finds my locket.” Then it would prove that their marriage is destiny – and it would show that Barney at least put forth the effort.

What makes this so hard right now is that not only has Barney failed to do the impossible for her but he didn’t so much as try to find her locket. He didn’t even come when she called.

The locket has become a symbol to her, a test for the rest of their marriage. And Barney flunked big time.

What if that means he is too much like her dad? She doesn’t want a guy who’s going to put her needs second and continually let her down like he did that day in the park when she needed him. This whole thing is deeply, deeply troubling and she doesn’t know what to think or do.

Ted tells her to calm down, that he’ll get her some water. And then he leaves her there, alone again and continuing to go to pieces, wondering what good a drink of water could possibly do at a time like this.

****

Barney was doing fine after that talk with Ted where he reminded him of Punchy’s wedding and the incredible dance he and Robin shared, but just seconds later Lily came into the room. Ted left because Robin was asking for him, and the first thing out of Lily’s mouth the minute they were alone was to question if he was really going to go with that tie, efficiently throwing him right back into his nervous jitters.

He kept freaking out more and more….and more. It was when he mentioned heading back to New York that Lily called for Marshall. That didn’t stop Barney from starting to bolt out the window, however. He got one leg all the way out but Marshall kept pulling him back in, with Lily pulling on Marshall too and the both of them together attempting to keep him in the building.

“I have a better tie at home. It’s cornflower blue. IT’S CORNFLOWER BLUE!!” he’d screamed hysterically.

“Okay, fine,” Marshall had relented. His wife ran forward at that point and grabbed onto Barney herself until Marshall told her, “Lily, let him go.”

“Huh?” Barney had looked around in confusion, wondering why they weren’t blocking him anymore.

“You’re free to go,” Marshall had told him. “We won’t stop you.” And he made sure they both stepped back away, giving him free clearance to make his escape out of the window. “But do you really want to do this? You just want to run out like this? Or do you want to marry Robin? The woman you told me four years ago you saw yourself one day running towards in slow motion.”

That’s all it took to snap Barney out of it. Because of course he wants to marry Robin. That ‘one day’ he used to dream but he thought would never come, that day is today, and he wouldn’t miss it for the world.

He calmed down after that – well, as best he could anyway – and it must have been noticeable enough because after that Marshall and Lily trusted to leave him alone, and he’s been using this private time before the wedding to continue working on his vows. After all, he’s down to the wire now.

That’s how Ted finds him a minute later – calm and writing – but the second Barney hears that Robin is nervous that’s all he needs to set him off again. He’s not going to try to bolt anymore. That was halfhearted anyway. But it’s making him start panicking and he grabs for the paper sack Lily left for him in case his nerves came back. He’s hanging upside down breathing into the bag when Ted asks him, “Do you remember Robin’s locket?”

That immediately has Barney’s attention. “Yeah, of course,” he answers, all seriousness and panic forgotten as he flips back upright. “She never found it,” he says with regret.

Robin had told him that day she was going to look for her locket in Central Park but he hadn’t thought it was that big of a deal to her, just her ‘something old’ for the wedding. Still, he hoped that she would find it. He wanted that for her since that’s what she wanted, and he felt badly when he eventually realized her call to him that afternoon meant she hadn’t been able to locate it. He felt especially terrible once he got to the park and saw for himself how obviously upset she was. It felt like he’d failed her and let her down and he was ashamed of that, which is why he left without ever telling her he’d been there. But he wanted to make it up to Robin by ultimately finding the locket for her by their wedding day. He’d tried looking, making a thorough sweep of the park all around the carousel, but he had no more luck than she had.

Consequently Barney can hardly believe it when Ted produces the locket. He even jumps back a little in surprise, surprise that almost instantly turns to remorse seeing Robin’s locket right there in Ted’s hand. It will certainly make Robin happy, but he wishes he could have been the one to find it for her. He can’t help feeling like he’s let her down again, like he should have tried harder because if Ted could find it then with all of his resources he should have been able to too.

Ted goes on to explain he was going to give the locket to Robin as a wedding gift but he’s changed his mind because “she needs it to come from you”. He starts handing the locket to Barney but he recoils.

It doesn’t seem right to take credit for something he didn’t do – and it undeniably feels plain wrong to lie Robin about it this way. She’d made a point of how important that was to her after the whole Playbook thing, and that had been an omission not even an actual lie. Their little surprises for each other are as far as Robin ever wants them to go into dishonesty. He knows she doesn’t approve of keeping these kinds of secrets. “Ted….I don’t know.” The whole idea is setting off alarms. His gut instinct is this is not aboveboard and it doesn’t feel like something he should be doing.

But Ted keeps insisting, and between that and what he just said about not wanting him to take it the wrong way it gives Barney a further moment’s pause, enough to question Ted on how exactly he found the locket because this whole thing seems shady, like there’s something more to it that he doesn’t know.

“I didn’t find. You found it,” Ted instructs him, dead serious.

Barney is not without strong misgivings, but he trusts Ted enough to take his advice – Ted who is a lot of things that fall short of awesome but his bro does have a strong moral compass and if he thinks this is okay then it must be. Plus he hasn’t spoken to Robin for hours while Ted’s just been in there with her. If Ted says she’s nervous and insists this is the thing to do, that she needs this to come from him, who is he to argue? He always wants to give Robin what she needs.

So Barney nods and takes the locket.

****

Alone inside her room, Robin is still fretful and unnerved when she hears a knock at her door. “Ted, if you think that some water is gonna – ” She cuts off when she opens the door and sees her fiancé on the other side. “Barney,” she corrects in surprise.

“I – I had to see you before the ceremony because I wanted to…..” On the way over Barney had been rehearsing in his mind exactly what to say, but now that he sees her he trails off in awe of how beautiful she is in her wedding dress. “Look at you…..” He does just that, his eyes gliding over her from head to toe, and he shakes his head in reverence. “You’re stunning….Robin, you are the most gorgeous bride I have ever seen.”

She smiles at him and he smiles back and they both get a little lost in it.

Hearing his compliment, seeing the softness is his eyes, simply smiling at each other makes everything else melt away, including her nerves. Once again it seems she just needed him there with her to feel calm and okay again, to know that their love is enough.

“We don’t have much time and I know we both need to finish getting ready,” Barney continues, the hard metal hidden in his fist a reminder of why he came to her room in the first place, “but I wanted to give you a little pre-wedding gift….I know how much this meant to you.”

Robin stands at her door in anticipation, still smiling at him happily and no longer upset. She feels alright now and ready to go on with the ceremony with or without a wedding day gift from Barney, but she’s excited to see what he’s gotten her all the same.

When he opens up his hand and pulls out a gold chain at the bottom of which is a gold heart-shaped locket – the locket – Robin gasps and her jaw opens wide, her hands flying up to cover her mouth in astonishment. It’s almost too good to be true, almost like she must be imagining it. She reaches for the locket to verify that it’s actually real, but it is very concrete and real, and holding it in her own two hands she can see without a doubt that it truly is her missing locket from all those years ago.

And with that knowledge a heavy, heavy weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Her missing locket was not a bad omen. Her locket wasn’t even missing at all. On the contrary, this is her sign that she’d asked for that all will be well – and this is Barney coming through for her too just like she hoped he would. It means he passed the test and everything’s okay now. She can marry him and live her dream.

“Barney….oh my god,” she gushes, reaching for him and kissing him. Now she can have everything she’s ever wanted. She can have it and be happy and nothing will ever take it away from her.

Barney had his reservations over lying about this, but now that he sees how happy it’s made her it doesn’t seem like it could be wrong. It must have been the right thing; Ted knew what he was talking about.

After she slowly breaks the kiss, she continues to stare at him in wonder. “Barney, how did you – where did you find this?” she asks in amazement. “When I dug up the box it was empty.”

“Magic,” Barney smiles and shrugs evasively. “….A magician can’t reveal his secrets.”

Robin frowns slightly at that because it sounds like a cover. Actually, it sounds like something he might have said back in the day during one of his plays. “No, really. Where did you find it?”

“Uh….it was in Marshall and Lily’s basement. Yeah, I guess you were drunk one night and went and dug it up. That’s why you didn’t remember. But it must’ve gotten mixed in with their stuff when you briefly lived with them.” Barney knew Robin would ask him where he’d found her locket so he made Ted give him a little backstory on how he actually found the locket after discovering the empty box and learning how it became empty. Apparently the drunken night in question happened years ago, right before she temporarily moved to Japan. He just made up the part about Marshall and Lily’s place off the cuff.

Now that Barney’s jogged her mind, Robin can vaguely remember it. It’s coming back to her in bits and pieces……She was freaking out because she didn’t want to move away and leave behind the life and friends she loved, but she felt that she was out of options and had no reason not to go. She had no other job prospects, and her love life was going nowhere, and with Ted getting married it left her all the more adrift as it meant she’d even lost her last-chance backup – because no way in her mind at that time did she even remotely see Barney as an option, despite her growing feelings for him. She couldn’t handle it – pretending that all she wanted was world travel, living a lie not only to others but to her own self, swearing all this time that was all she’d ever need but knowing now that career alone wasn’t enough for her yet feeling like she had nothing left but that – so she went out and got trashed. She was an absolute wreck that night. She started whining about how she’d never get married because Ted was her only chance and he didn’t want her either and now she’d never need that locket so she might as well go dig it up.

“Lily told me the story, and after that I thought to check in their basement,” Barney continues, but she barely even hears him.

Her mind, now swiftly remembering more and more fragments of that night, is too busy piecing it all together. “Marshall and Lily’s basement, huh?”

“Yep,” he confirms, all simple and straightforward and relaxed. “But it doesn’t really matter where it came from. All that matters is that you have your ‘something old’ now.”

Robin doesn’t say anything in reply. In fact she’s looking at him with an entirely blank expression. But he remembers her huge smile earlier, and because of that alone even though lying about the locket made him uncomfortable he figures it must be a good thing that he’s done here.

When she still doesn’t say anything else, Barney fills the momentary silence with, “Well, I guess I should head back so we can both get ready.”

“Yeah, I guess…..”

“Bye,” he smiles to her, kissing her quickly before turning and heading down the hall.

Robin walks back into her room, closing the door and leaning heavily against it.

Something is off about Barney’s story and she knows it. She remembers it all now, and it just doesn’t add up. She got drunk, she dug up the necklace, and Lily was there with her. All of that is true.

But the rest of what he’s told her is where it goes awry and doesn’t make sense. Back at the apartment Lily had tried to placate her, which ended in her putting the locket inside Ted’s race car box. She was so drunk that afterwards it was a total blackout for her. The next morning she didn’t remember a thing past what happened at MacLaren’s. That’s why she never went back to retrieve her locket.

And that means the locket was never even in her things to get mixed up in Lily and Marshall’s storage unit. Nor would it have just been left behind in the old apartment’s storage from when she lived there because it always would have been with Ted, who still has that race car box to this day. She’s never even seen him open it….meaning her locket would have still been in there years later – though it may have fallen open in one of his moves like when he brought his things to Stella’s old New Jersey home, or when he moved into his new apartment and then later when Victoria moved in too, or when Jeanette trashed the place…..

Locating her locket wouldn’t mean going down to Marshall and Lily’s basement. It would mean tracking down its whereabouts by means of all potential people who might have come into contact with the race car box.

That’s when she figures it out: Ted’s convenient trip to go get her a glass of water and then Barney suddenly showing up and magically gifting her with the locket. Barney was lying to her. He didn’t find her locket at all. Ted did.

****

Unsure as he’d been about it, giving Robin the locket as if he’d found it made her unquestionably happy so Barney considered it a success as he headed back into his room and sat down to scrupulously set to work again on his stack of rejected vows.

But, as before, he hasn’t gotten very far. All the past couple of minutes have really resulted in are a bunch of crumpled up papers on the couch and in and around the trashcan as he’s made revision after revision, none of them seeming quite good enough.

The truth is he’s been trying for weeks to get his vows right, but he’s hardly ever had so much trouble with anything in his life.

When Lily and Marshall pop back in to check on him they sense his tension and facetiously ask if he’s writing his suicide note rather than getting married.

“I’m writing my vows to Robin,” he explains, not appreciating their joke. “But I want them to be profound and inspiring as if they were written by the bard himself – Lionel Richie.”

They both scoff at him but he’s dead serious. He wants his vows to be sweet and soulful and romantic, like a beautiful and touching song lyric. Writing their own personal vows is a lot of pressure and he doesn’t want to screw this up. He wants his vows to Robin to communicate everything that’s worthy of her, and how much he loves her, and all the things he wants to promise her in their marriage. That’s such a hard thing to accomplish to begin with, and then at the same time he knows through watching Marshall and Lily’s “official” wedding and subsequent six year marriage that almost all of those pretty vows couples speak to each other go on to be eventually broken.

He doesn’t want that to be the case for him and Robin. That’s why it’s important to him that on the flipside of all the pretty and inspiring promises there is a basis of genuine realness and solid truth to his vows. He can’t know what the future will bring – no one can – and years down the line he doesn’t want a stack of broken vows to hers. And since he doesn’t want to promise anything there’s a chance he might not be able to live up to he’s kept it pretty cynical, setting the bar extraordinarily low because he only wants to make promises to her that he knows for certain he can keep.

But that’s why he’s having such a difficult time at it because the two don’t mix. How can you wax lyrical about the beauty of your love while also making useless, pathetic, and even a few insufferable promises merely designed to be unbreakable?

Lily and Marshall offer to help him but Barney laughs in the face of that. Not only have they broken their own vows again and again but as he freely points out to them, “I am not gonna take marriage advice from a couple who just got in a gigantic fight.” And he promptly leaves to try and find inspiration elsewhere in the church – or at least some peace and quiet.

****

Robin glances at the clock as she walks back over to the dressing table. 5:38. They’re down to just twenty-two minutes before the wedding.

She opens up her hand, staring down at the locket she’s still holding.

She’s certain Barney lied to her. She knows it but doesn’t want to know it. When she thinks back on how easily and effortlessly he’d told her he found her locket in Marshall and Lily’s basement it’s like nails on a chalkboard to her because she knows it was all just a lie.

And it was like nothing to him. He didn’t even seem guilty at all.

She’s already been extremely nervous with her own anxiety and wedding jitters and then everything her mother said about her dad. Now with Barney lying to her this way it’s a whole other huge issue of reliability and trust. What is she going to do?

A knock comes on her door and it’s Ted. Not surprisingly, there’s no bottle of water in his hand, confirming her suspicions. He didn’t leave to go get her any water. He left to give her locket to Barney.

But she acts like nothing’s wrong, showing Ted what Barney just gave her to gauge his reaction. “See, Barney came through. There’s your sign. You’re good to go,” Ted says quickly, turning to leave, clearly in a hurry to escape.

And now Robin knows for certain that Barney was lying. It was all just a setup. Ted was trying to make her feel better and Barney willingly and casually went along, thinking nothing of lying to her.

“Where’d you find the locket, Ted?” she asks him pointblank, and even she can hear the agitation in her voice. When she finally gets him to admit the truth and tell her how he actually found it, she stops him from leaving again because she can’t believe how much trouble he’s been through to get this for her. All the effort that Ted actually went to in order to find her locket is heroic, as is selflessly giving it to Barney, who selfishly took credit. The whole thing makes her fiancé look extremely bad in comparison.

Barney lied to her about the locket so that she’d think he is the caring and thoughtful one in this situation. It’s like he was running a scheme on her….almost like a play to string the gullible woman along. And that knowledge sends her plunging into a complete breakdown. Because it feels like a betrayal this lie, and that’s what really pushes her over the edge.

How can she not be concerned? How can she not freak out over the fact that Barney could lie right to her face about this gesture that was obviously so important to her and then not even see why that’s a problem? Her frazzled, tormented mind conjures up similar instances, like when he kept a copy of his Playbook or the puppy incident when he also looked her right in the eyes and told a devastating lie with such meaning and with no difficulty at all. The evidence appears to be mounting against him and she can’t help but wonder what it means for the rest of their relationship. What else will he continue to lie to her about?

Moreover, while Barney was busy trying to fool her and falsely pass off the gift of her locket as this great thing that he did for her when he really didn’t do anything at all, Ted is once again the one who came through for her, not Barney, just like that day in the park.

Profoundly disturbed, Robin stares down at the floor as that sinking realization tortures her. “……You always go big for me,” she recognizes aloud. That’s what this was yet again, Ted going big for her while Barney merely took the credit.

“Not as big as Barney,” Ted refutes, bringing up her fiancé’s rehearsal dinner surprise and his elaborate proposal.

But this one latest lie, such a massive lie that Barney just told her, seems only to have proven her worst fears true. In the heat of the moment and coming from a place of irrationality and even a touch of anger at him for lying to her, it calls into question all the other things Barney has done for her. Because even the things Ted just listed, the two most loving examples he could think of, were all based around lies as well.

Her frenzied fear-filled mind tells her Barney is always relying on lies. All the big things he did for her to show her that he loved her, even those he couldn’t do without his lies.

If she were in her right mind she’d recognize that the very things in questions, his surprise Canadian rehearsal dinner and “The Robin”, were things she actually quite loved. Even though they did require a few fibs along the way to make them happen, she loved his big gestures for her. But right in this moment she can’t appreciate them at all as she’s viewing them strictly through the mindset of frustration and disappointment and apprehension over Barney’s recent lie to her – as well as a continued mental state of complete illogicality and panic – and it’s causing her to see everything as tainted in its light.

Ted tries to point out to her that the locket lie that set all of this off was his idea and his fault – he told Barney to do it – but she’s too far gone into freaking out to truly hear it. All rationality has shut off at this point and Robin can only see that Barney thought nothing of lying to her.

“Which he did without blinking an eye, because lying is second nature to Barney. Everything’s legendary.” She thinks about all the stories he’s fabricated over the years, about this night and that event being legendary when in fact he’d made it all up and none of it ever happened. She thinks about how she gloried in his state of truth serum drunkenness because it guaranteed she’d finally get one hundred percent real truth from him. And that’s just it; all of the legendary-ness he puts on, it’s all bogus. “Well you know what legendary means? Not real.” At least it seems that way right now.

In this state of mental disarray, his lies to her about her locket – so easily done with no remorse and no qualms at all – are causing her to doubt the sincerity of everything: how much Barney loves her, how devoted he actually is to her, what he would do for her and if he’ll be there for her when it really counts.

What if he lies to her throughout their whole marriage the way her father used to lie to her mother? She’s heard enough of the stories in her mom’s rants over the years to know about all the lies her father told and the many ways he disrespected her. Well Barney lying right to her face the way he’d just done did show a certain lack of respect, trying to fool her into thinking he’d done something amazing for her and made this special effort for her when it was actually Ted who’d gone out of his way for her.

And the thing is, a locket is just a locket. But it’s the principle of it. Barney didn’t come through for her yet again, and then to make matters worse he lied about it. Yes, it may have been unfair hoping that he would somehow magically find her locket for her, but he let her down in the first place that day in the park by putting his interests of the moment above her needs. Even though she never technically asked him to, she wanted him to come running simply because it was her. If he had somehow found her locket it would have erased all that and proven that he is there for her and he will come through for her against all the odds – because the odds for Barney Stinson state there is very little chance he’s going to be a model husband.

…….But Ted would be. She’s always known that. Everything about Ted screams that he’s “husband material”. The whole world says so. And maybe it wasn’t so unfair to expect someone to magically find her locket for her, because Ted did just that.

And that dismaying realization starts a serious downward spiral. “Maybe I’m making a mistake,” Robin expresses with such dread and heartache in her voice.

“Wait, what – what are you saying?” Ted asks.

The horrible thought that’s occurred to her, she doesn’t want it to be true. So much she doesn’t want it to be true. She can’t bear the idea and can scarcely even get the words out she’s so close to open sobbing. “…..Maybe I should be marrying you.”

It isn’t that she wants Ted in the slightest, but she’s fallen into that same trap of convention, her longstanding head versus heart debate. It’s been that way all of her life. Her heart wanted to be feminine and free and sometimes even girly, but her head told her she had to be tough and disciplined and tomboyish or she’d disappoint her father. Her heart wanted to take risks and reach for her dreams, be it as Robin Sparkles or as a famous journalist in the United States, but her head always weighed out the odds of her failure and subsequent pain. Once she did move to the states and entered their little group in the city, her heart has kept wanting only one thing – Barney, and that kind of head-over-heels insane love she’ll only ever have with him – but her head is still telling her it’s a bad idea, there’s no logic in it, all reasons stands against it, and she should just settle down with someone less alarming and more Teddish.

And now that the old debate has been reinvigorated at the worst possible time, her panic attack comes on swiftly.

Robin can actually feel herself fully losing it. She feels it happening and somewhere deep inside she knows she’s acting crazy but it’s got her in its grip and she’s caught up in it, the crazy overtaking her and making her question one final time if she ought to be marrying a guy like Ted or even Ted himself, someone who is traditional and safe and perfect on paper.

As the seconds tick by her panic overtakes her. It feels like she’s drowning in her own terror and her mind fixates on that one point, the only rock she can see in these stormy emotional waters. Ted is safe. Ted can’t touch your heart. You should be with Ted. If you run away with Ted you won’t have to face this fear.

Deep down Robin knows even as she’s saying it that she doesn’t really mean it and she’d never actually be able to go through with it even if Ted agreed. She knows she’s being idiotic and talking insanely right now. She’s even reduced to making jokes about the Blackhawks to try and cover up that fact.

All she really needs is something to cling to. Her desire to marry Barney is very strong and real, but so is her fear. Telling Ted that maybe she should marry him, that they should run away and start a new life together, is her completely irrational equivalent of saying ‘Let’s go rob a bank and it will solve all my problems’. It’s the sort of extreme and outrageous thing you’d never actually do in a million years and you don’t actually want to do, but you say it anyway because you need your friend to tell you how crazy that is and talk you around to being sensible again.

“Stop,” Ted replies. “You’re just saying this because you’re scared.”

Robin turns on him with wide eyes. What he said may be true – okay, it is true – but she can’t even begin to process that because that’s not giving her any concrete reason to hold onto. It’s just like telling her to ‘Get over it’, and she can’t. She feels her breath growing tighter, her lungs squeezing in her chest as everything begins to narrow in on her. She can’t breathe. It feels like she’s going to jump out of her skin. It honestly feels like she might lose her mind.

She’s already out of her head, with everything she thought she knew up in the air now. She wouldn’t be saying or thinking any of these things in her normal state of mind, but right now she’s far from that. Right now she’s in the midst of the worst panic attack of her life.

And in her fear, all of the irrational things she would have ordinarily dismissed just a few minutes ago suddenly seem like they might actually be horrifyingly real and true.

It’s not about Ted or having any feelings for Ted. Even in her unreasonable and nonsensical state of mind she never once questions that. It’s just the idea of Ted and all the guys like him that she’s dated over the years, the ones her head has always thought she should be with because that’s what convention and the world have repeatedly told her.

It’s just like Ted’s famous blue French horn. In the beginning she found the smurf penis joke – that she since learned was actually Barney’s joke – charming, and no one had ever gone so far as to steal something for her, so naturally it was flattering. But then Ted kept on with it and it became ‘I love you’ on the first date, and repeated parties, and an entire blue orchestra. His smothering attentions were overkill, excessive, suffocating, and not appealing to her at all. Until she had to take one of her dogs in to see the vet. It was the veterinarian telling her that she should love that and she should want to be with a guy who would go to all that effort and do things like that for her that ultimately convinced her to try dating Ted in the first place.

She’s never forgotten that moment, and in case she ever did countless other people have drilled it home – hell, even society as a whole has indoctrinated her with that principle. It’s what every movie, every book, every TV show tells you. They all have the same message: blue French horns and overbearing, unsolicited public displays and gestures, that’s the kind of stuff women dream of – normal women at least – and you should want a guy like that, not a guy like Barney, if you want any hope of ever having a normal, happy life. Because that’s the kind of stuff that proves a man will be a perfect husband and toe the line and be safe and dependable and never let you down.

Ted has always been that; he’s the very definition of safe. But no one would describe Barney as safe. That’s why she’s always been scared of being with him because with Barney there’s this big question mark. Reason dictates she should be with a traditional guy like Ted. A guy like that, who will go to all that trouble of stealing you a blue French horn and flying across the country trying to find your locket, you don’t have to worry about a guy like that. A guy like that isn’t ever going anywhere.

And a guy who comes through for you that way and does the impossible and brings you your locket the way that Ted did….that should mean he “wins”….right? Doesn’t it mean she should be marrying a guy like that, a guy who will never let her down or hurt her?

Robin feels herself starting to hyperventilate. Even as she’s expressing all this to Ted, asking him to look her in the eye and tell her why she shouldn’t be with that guy, she really does just want him to tell her why. She desperately wants him to talk her out of it, to give her a convincing reason why she’s being ridiculous and all the things she said are just plain stupid and not so. And then she can marry Barney, and the world will be right again.
Because she just can’t quiet these fears on her own. She has to tell someone so that person can be rational and reasonable for her, tell her she’s just being crazy and talk some sense into her so everything will feel better and right and sane and she can go on again. She just needs Ted to provide her with a believable validation she can hang onto and know that it’s going to be okay to go out there, walk down the aisle, and marry Barney and it will all work out happily.

What Ted does is remove Robin’s ability to have an easy out. He tells her the truth – that he’s realized he honestly doesn’t feel that way about her anymore – and in doing so he eliminates her chance to dodge it all and escape facing her fears by running off with him. But beyond that, he fails to provide her with that reason to cling to for why marrying Barney is safe and okay.

“You don’t love me. You love Barney,” is what he tells her. And it’s true. It would be so much more convenient if it wasn’t true. Then everything would be in order. Everything would make sense. Everything would be following reason and logic and shrewd wisdom, just like her mother always told her to do.

But she doesn’t love Ted. She loves Barney. That’s something she knows is true, profoundly true. It’s just inherently true in her heart and it always will be.

Yet even that isn’t a help to her right now because that’s already the one thing she never denied or wavered in. That’s the one point she doesn’t need convincing on. It’s everything else that seems to defy reason.

“I – I can’t shake it,” she declares in exasperation. She’s trying. Robin’s really, really trying. But she can’t get out from under this fear. “I – I – I can’t shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense,” she tells Ted with tears in her voice and her eyes.

That’s always been the problem for her. Because on the surface the very idea of her and Barney, of the two of them together – two people like them together – it doesn’t make sense. She urgently wants Ted to tell her otherwise, but he can’t.

Instead he argues, “But love doesn’t make sense. I mean you can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost and – and – and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.”

Robin’s weeping uncontrollably now, the tears irrepressibly streaming from her eyes. She’s utterly miserable, on the edge of hysteria even. She hears what Ted is saying and she wants to believe it, wants to trust that it’s okay to trust in love, but that goes against everything she’s always been taught – by her parents and by life itself. It goes against what has for so long been her every instinct: to not trust love and not trust her heart, and to run like hell when feelings and the chance of getting hurt are involved.

“I know that sounds cheesy,” Ted continues, “but it’s just true. You love Barney, and he loves you.”

Robin looks down at the locket in her hand and really thinks about that, tries to let it soak in. She does love Barney, more than she’s ever loved anyone or anything, more than she ever will, more than she even knew was possible.

“And that doesn’t have to make sense to make sense,” Ted earnestly conveys.

She desperately wants that to be so – and she certainly understands the ‘love doesn’t make sense’ part of it. But what if Ted is wrong? What if love in itself just isn’t enough to make this work for her and Barney? It wasn’t the last time. And that was just a relationship, not even a marriage.

Ted asks her if she’s okay, and she’s not okay. Definitely not okay. But Ted’s not an option to run to anymore. She gets that, and that’s alright. She doesn’t need him. She didn’t even want him. She just needed to run away.

She still needs to run away…..And she can do it alone.

Fight or flight mode has kicked in, and with her locket still in hand Robin grabs the key and locks Ted in her room to prevent him from coming after her. Then she takes off in a blind panic. She doesn’t even know where she’s going. She just has to get away.

Right now.

She has to get away to someplace that’s not a church where she’s supposed to be getting married downstairs in nineteen minutes.

Section B

Fanfic: Catching the Clock 9.21, Part Two

2014-05-04T23:35:29Z

Across the church in her room, his bride isn’t as sure.

No matter how much Robin has tried to tell herself to calm down and that she’s just being irrational, she still can’t shake the fear. On the contrary, in the past half an hour it’s grown to out-of-control proportions.

Maybe she shouldn’t even try to be calm. Because if there is an issue she needs to figure it out. Now. That’s the whole ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ part of it.

And Gary Blauman’s sudden appearance hasn’t helped matters any or done anything to ease her mind. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact.

The past few years she’s seen Blauman several times in passing while visiting Barney at work. But he’s more the guys’ acquaintance than hers. The last significant encounter she had with him was the night of Ted’s party. And that’s not exactly the best memory to recall at a time like this…..

April 2009

It’s a Friday night in New York City and the gang’s having a party at the apartment to celebrate the good fortune of Ted being fired so that now he’s free to start his own company, Mosbius Designs. Though they’d been planning the party for two weeks the gang swiftly depletes in numbers when the day actually arrives. Marshall has to stay home and take care of Lily who’s down sick in bed with “the sniffles”, and after only a couple weeks Robin’s still adjusting to her grueling new schedule and was falling asleep in the living room waiting for the guests to arrive until Ted told her it was okay to just go to bed. Now it’s down to just him and Barney and a room full of assorted well-wishers, most of them friends of Ted’s or people he knew from his brief time at GNB or from his old architectural firm.

Forty-five minutes into the party, once a good number of people have arrived, Barney gives a toast to honor the man of the hour. “To Ted’s complete inability to follow directions and design a simple ETR room, without which he wouldn’t have been fired leading to the current pursuit of his dream….which he hopefully won’t blow in a similar fashion. To Ted!”

The others are either used to Barney or already buzzed enough not to notice the eccentric nature of his toast and they all just raise their glasses, cheering and repeating in kind, “To Ted!”

As they’re finishing the group toast, Barney sees Blauman in the crowd and waves to him, motioning that he’ll meet him across the room.

Meanwhile in her bedroom, Robin has quickly discovered that as wonderful as it sounds – and it sounds heavenly – the prospect of a good solid ten hours of uninterrupted sleep with no need to get up before the dawn is just not going to happen for her right now. She couldn’t even keep her eyes open an hour ago on the couch, but after forcing herself to get up, use the bathroom, go into her room and change into her pajamas she was already feeling more awake then before. Then just as she was starting to relax again the party began to pick up. Now after rolling over for the tenth time and even putting her pillow over her head it’s become clear there’s no way she’s getting any sleep when there are this many people loudly talking and cheering in the apartment. As a result, she decides to take refuge in the one quiet place left. Grabbing a spare pillow, slipping her iPod into the pocket of her pajama pants, and wrapping a blanket over her shoulders she opens her bedroom door to make a beeline through the party and up to the solitude of the roof.

“So Ted….What’s his situation?” Blauman asks Barney from the place they’ve managed to carve out near the kitchen table. “Does he get around a lot like you? I mean, is he looking for something serious or does he just want a little fun?”

“Ted’s a good bro, the best. He thinks he wants something serious but dude’s still getting his life together, as this whole party attests. He’d deny it but he’s as up for ‘a little fun’,” Barney repeats with air quotes, “as I am if the opportunity presents itself.”

Blauman brings his hand down on Barney’s shoulder, grinning. “I read you loud and clear.”

Barney’s not sure what that means and before he can ask he notices Robin come out of her bedroom, snag a bottle of beer, and head up to the roof. From that moment on the only thought in his head – both heads actually, what up! – is getting out of this conversation as quickly as possible so he can join her up there. It’s the early spring, a very temperate night with clear skies and a blanket full of stars. In an atmosphere like that, the two of them alone, one thing could lead to another…..

“Listen, Blauman, there are a mess of hotties here tonight. I’m sure you wanna go talk to one of them.” He looks around for the nearest hot woman to palm him off on. “For instance….that girl over there talking to Ted,” he recommends, totally selling his bro out and failing in his wingman duties but he has a prospect of his own to look after – the prospect – so it’s every man for himself.

Blauman shoots him a confused look. “No, I….Barney, I thought you realized I’m – ” Before he can finish the sentence Barney’s already gone, so with a shrug he sets his sights on his target for the night. Because an opportunity is just about to present itself. “Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography?” he asks, walking over to Ted.

Up on the roof, Robin’s sitting leaning back against the low wall already several swigs into her beer with her earbuds in, her eyes closed, and her head laid back on the pillow she’s propped up against the hard brick, just trying to relax. She’s doesn’t even hear Barney climbing up onto the roof until he’s already over the wall and standing there next to her. “Hey,” she says surprised, removing her earbuds and resting them against her shoulders. “What are you doing up here?”

“Following you,” he replies as brazen as Barney has always been. Or used to be. Still is most of the time….it’s just that sometimes there are these moments where it feels like maybe the both of them are a little unsure of what they’re doing.

But this is apparently not one of them, as he boldly crouches down to sit beside her, ignoring the fact that he hasn’t been asked. It’s a small detail, really; they both know she would have invited him to join her anyway.

Barney gazes over at Robin bathed in the combination of moonlight and New York City lights and she’s positively stunning. Her long dark hair is flickering gently in the soft breeze and she’s wearing these pale pink pajama pants with some kind of subtle flowering ivy trailing down in vertical stripes. She has on a slightly darker pink and blessedly clinging – with no bra underneath – long sleeve top. She’s got a blanket over her shoulders but when the wind blows just right he still catches the outline of erect nipple. She looks soft and feminine and like absolutely everything he wants sitting right there within arm’s reach.

But he doesn’t reach because she isn’t his to reach for. Not that he wants her to be his….Or maybe he does. He doesn’t know exactly what he wants anymore. He only knows it begins with his lips against hers. That much he’s sure of.

Since he can’t reach for her, he teases her gently instead, hoping to strike up some of their banter he enjoys so much. “It’s kinda weird the way I keep coming up on rooftops and finding you in your pajamas,” he remarks, referring back to last November when she was staying with Marshall and Lily shooting empties on their roof and he came up to join her, daring to broach the topic of what almost happened on Shelter Island – and he got to hold her and be held by her under the guise of learning how to shoot. “Not that I’m complaining. A woman in pajamas is one step closer to bed. But still, pajamas on a Friday night at ten o’clock? It looks like living with Ted’s rubbing off in all the wrong ways.”

“I’m not becoming lame like Ted,” she answers, a tad defensive at the very idea. “But I have been up since three in the morning, and the loud and cramped party downstairs chased me out of my bedroom, so I think that’s a valid excuse.”

He tilts his head in concession to her point, taking the bottle from her hand – again without asking – and drinking a healthy mouthful. But she doesn’t protest. Surprisingly, she doesn’t mind at all.

Barney takes another swig and then hands the bottle back to her, picking up an earbud off her shoulder. “What are you listening to?” he asks before moving close enough to put the earbud into his ear and see for himself. Robin picks up the other and puts it back into her ear and they sit like that for several minutes, just sharing the earbuds and passing the beer back and forth until the song goes off. Then he takes the earbud back out to question her. “Beyoncé?”

“What’s wrong with that?” she asks, dropping her earbud again too. “It was an iTunes top download. She’s hot. Everyone loves Beyoncé. I thought she’d be on your list of ‘Celebrities I Wanna Bang’.”

“True, true, and true. I’m not knocking it,” he clarifies, “but….I don’t know. It seems like you’re a little down. And those circumstances call for a different musical choice.”

“Such as?” she inquires, already guessing he’s going to name some kind of 80s hair band.

He thinks about it for a second and decides, “The Scorpions.” Then he proceeds to sing the rest. “Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane – are you ready, baby?” he purrs giving the final line all he’s got, which ends up being equal parts amusing and seductive. When she laughs he smiles and it spurs him on to continue with more. “Or you could always go with classic Aerosmith. “Just gimme a kiss,” he sings again, now with air guitar. “Like this!” He leans in closer, making a kiss at her.

That has her laughing even harder, causing him to laugh too, until their eyes meet and they’re so close together and the laughter dies down, replaced by something else entirely. Robin bites her lip, smiling and shaking her head, and looks away. “You’re an idiot,” she says softly.

Barney ignores that; the words were said too sweetly to be a true slight. “Or, you know, you could just keep it simple and go with Poison, “Talk Dirty To Me”.” This time he purposefully captures her gaze. “You’re good at that.”

Robin feels a flush spread down her neck. “That’s not true. When we slept together you were the one talking dirty to me, saying how wet I – ” Catching herself, she stops. “Never mind,” she mumbles.

Barney’s eyes dance at her response. “I wasn’t talking about that night. I meant the time not long after we first met when I was trying to get out of a date with a fake emergency call that you volunteered to make, but instead you moaned to me through the phone, calling me ‘Daddy’ and ‘Big Boy’. It was because of the way you mocked me for lack of creativity that inspired me to come up with the Lemon Law – still one of my best to this day. So your talent for dirty talk is not only a turn-on, it’s also a muse.”

She smiles and he presses his luck a little further. “I wasn’t thinking about the night you and I slept together. I thought it never happened? But now that you mention it….you have a good memory. I did say that. But as I recall, neither one of us did much talking that night.” She looks away again and he can see that he’s made her blush, actually succeeded in making Robin Scherbatsky blush.

“Anyway,” she changes the subject, “back to criticizing my music choice.”

“I wasn’t criticizing, just suggesting something off my Get Psyched mix, although maybe for a situation like this I need to make a Sleepy Time mix.”

“Isn’t it in your best interest to keep the girls awake?” she teases him now, taking another swig of beer.

“Ha-ha,” he remarks, reaching into her pants pocket – a move which makes her go absolutely still – and snatching out her iPod. “What else do you have on here?”

Now that his hand in no longer in her pants Robin recovers normal use of her body, putting her earbud back in as she watches him flip through her music collection before eventually deciding on a song. He puts the other earbud into his ear again too and she passes him what’s now become their bottle as they sit silently together listening to her music.

After a while Barney moves in closer to reduce the tug of the cord on his earbud. In doing so his hip and thigh press into hers and her heart gives a little flutter at the contact. She’s immensely attracted to him; there’s no denying it. And what’s worse, it’s not just a physical thing. She feels – and that’s terrifying. But like it or not, she does. She feels happier and more alive when she’s with him, even doing simple things like listening to music together. It’s like he’s gotten inside. He got a hold on her heart without her permission and now he’s in there and there’s nothing she can do about it.

He said Beyoncé wasn’t appropriate for a time like this and yet the lyrics of the song they were listening to earlier come floating unbidden back through her mind:   Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they’re tumbling down. And they didn’t even put up a fight. They didn’t even make a sound. That’s exactly what’s happened to her. He’s gotten past her walls without her even realizing. He’s staked out a piece of her heart and now and she can’t get him out no matter how hard she tries.

It’s the most conflicting feeling because as much as she enjoys it when she’s with him, and there’s no denying that she does, she still wants him out – out of her heart for good. Feeling things for anyone is a risk, but feeling something for Barney Stinson is suicide. So she acts counter-offensively, removing her earbud and inching back away. “How come you’re not downstairs picking up some woman?”

It’s an abrupt turn in the conversation. Barney’s not sure what caused this shift in mood but he can sense it all the same.

“There has to be a 7 or a drunk 8 down there,” she asserts, attempting to get back to safer, bro-like repartee.

“First of all, I only pull 10s,” he begins, following suit to her change in pace.

Robin laughs out loud at that. “I’ve known you for three and a half years, and wingwomaned for you. I know that’s not true.”

“I occasionally sleep with lessers,” he admits, holding up a finger to emphasize this next important point, “but I do that as charity work, because 6s – or 5s with a big rack – need to be boned too.

Her eyebrows pull down in a disgusted look but there’s still a smile on her face. “Nice.”

“But tonight I’ll admit I was bored with it,” Barney tells her candidly.

“Bored with your so-called ‘charity work’? Or bored with the 7s and 8s?”

“Bored with the whole scene down there. If I wanted to I could get any of the women at Ted’s party, easily.”

Robin nods at that. He could seduce just about any woman at any time. She has no doubt he’d have little trouble getting each and any one of the women down in the apartment to have sex with him.

“It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. There’s no challenge to it, no thrill. It’s just a numbers game at this point,” he confides, thinking of his list of not quite two hundred that he still needs to finish to show up Matthew Panning, so at least there’s that. “I’d rather be up here with you. You’re a worthy intellectual opponent, more fun to spend time with, and you’re better than all those girls downstairs put together.”

Robin feels that flush creeping down her chest again and she can’t help the flattered smile, but her eyes regard him with charmed suspicion. “And you can always hook up with a girl later,” she shrewdly ascertains.

That hadn’t been on his mind, but he won’t pass up this chance to amp up the flirtation between them, especially since just a few minutes ago she voluntarily brought up the night they slept together. “I’d like to hook up with – ” He falters, not quite bold enough to say ‘you’, and settles on “ – someone, yes. If she’d let me…..I know exactly what I’d do with her if she’d let me. Things that would make our eyes cross in pleasure, things that would make her feel sensations she didn’t even know she was capable of feeling, sensations so good she wonders if she can stand a second more – and that’s when she crosses the plateau into something even more pleasurable still.”

The look in his eyes as he describes it is so dead sexy Robin wants to offer herself as the hookup, wants to pull him to her by his tie and kiss him senseless, climb onto his lap and make him remember how good it was between them. Rein it in, Scherbatsky, she admonishes herself and instead wonders aloud, “How are you gonna get the hookup you want if you’re up here talking to me?”

“Who says the two are mutually exclusive?” Barney holds her eyes steadily, studying her carefully as he makes the next thinly veiled insinuation. “Maybe I can have both.”

A beat passes between them while his statement hangs heavy in the air. He’s so close to her she wouldn’t even have to use his tie; all she’d have to do is lean in. And he smells so incredible that again her mind conjures up the image of him having both with her, right now.

But she pulls herself out of it, fairly certain that’s not even what Barney is suggesting. They flirt a little, sure, but since the falling out with Ted last year Barney doesn’t blatantly hit on her anymore…..Or maybe it has nothing to do with Ted and it’s just because he’s now had her already and consequently lost any further interest. Whatever the reason, she knows she’s the one whose mind has taken a dirty turn here and she has a long drink of beer to distract herself and regain control. “Maybe. But if you wait too long all the 7s and 8s will be gone.” He’ll have to settle for a 6 or maybe even a 5 without a big rack, which would be unthinkable for him.

Robin’s ‘maybe’ was noncommittal, but it still leaves Barney soaring in victory of the fact that she didn’t say no. He wants her to know that he’s willing to sit tight with that for now; he’s willing to wait if it means he can get the ‘yes’ later. “Even if we stay right here all night just talking, that’s fine by me. I think I can eventually have both.”

“And what if you can’t?” she ponders aloud. That’s been the interesting question for her. In the years that she’s known him Barney has made it clear that her friendship does mean a lot to him. She knows he cares about her. But how does that stack up in relation to his own pursuits? How would things shake out if the two were in opposition to each other? Would he put being a good friend to her above the easy booty call waiting downstairs?

“Then I still want to stay here with you,” he answers with no hesitation at all. Even if he can’t ‘have her’ have her, just being with her right now is still more interesting than the women downstairs.

“You don’t mean that,” she laughs doubtfully.

“I do mean that,” Barney verifies in that tone he uses when he’s trying to convince her she’s the second most awesome person he knows only she just doesn’t seem to believe him. “Robin, you’re my bro – nah, you’re higher than a mere ordinary bro like Marshall or even Ted. You’re my laser tag partner. You frequent the cigar club with me. We’ve been to Bang Central Station together,” he adds suggestively, and it makes her grin like he knew it would. “There is nothing more important to me than finding out why you’re really up here.”

Robin’s caught off guard by that. “What do you mean?”

He gives her a look. “Come on. You’re not just tired. If you were that tired you’d have fallen asleep even with the noise. I’ve seen you dead tired. I’ve seen you fall asleep eating ribs. I once saw you fall asleep into your pancakes.”

She frowns, quietly admitting, “I found syrup dried into my hair later that day.” Taking another long drink, she passes him the bottle and he does the same.

“This isn’t about being tired.” Barney bumps his shoulder into hers, giving her a gentle smile. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on with you. I mean it. I truly want to know.”

“Really?” she asks, still skeptical.

“Yes, really,” he rolls his eyes. “Geez, Scherbatsky. Who knew you’d turned so girly on me?” He gives her back the bottle and waits until she looks up at him. “You can start by telling me all about how your new show is going.”

Robin’s genuinely surprised and pleased to hear him taking an interest. Much like her dad, none of them seem to take an interest in what she’s doing even though it’s important to her. They couldn’t even pay attention to one of her shows. “You want to hear about Come On, Get Up New York!?” she asks hopefully.

“Sure I do,” Barney encourages her. “The episode where you delivered the baby was impressive, but earlier this week when you had that International Pride day and you sang the lyrics of “Boom Boom Pow” in French for our neighbors in the Great White North, that was TV gold.”

“You do watch my show!” Robin exclaims ecstatically.

Seeing how thrilled it’s made her pulls the rest of the truth from him. “I TIVO every episode.” She smiles at him breathtakingly, but he has to qualify it just a little to protect his pride lest she discover his dirty little secret of how much he adores her. “I have to make sure our video resume landed you a position that’s doing you justice.”

“Well you might want to cancel your season pass then,” she says chagrined, draining the rest of bottle. And now it’s his turn to ask her what she means by that. “It’s so early in the morning, for one thing. Who’s even watching? You may be my only viewer. And….I guess it’s just not what I thought it would be. It’s really not that different than where I was before, and I – ” Realizing she’s blathering on, Robin stops herself. She’d love to unburden herself to Barney. She’d love for him to really care. But he left the party because he was bored and listening to her complaining has got to be even worse than that. “But it doesn’t matter. It’s stupid…..I’m sure you don’t want to sit here and hear all about my problems, particularly when you could go back downstairs and get some.”

“No, Robin,” he admonishes, a hint of gentle exasperation sneaking in. “I want to hear about your stuff. I want to help you. I want to hear all about it.”

She lifts her empty bottle, shaking it. “I’ve run out of beer, and you never even had any, and I know you don’t – ”

“That’s no thing; I can go on a beer run,” Barney declares, already standing up. “You’ve had a long day, so just stay here. I’ll go down and grab us some beer and I’ll be right back.”

“Are you sure?” Robin asks, unable to keep the smile from creeping up on her lips at the thought that Barney is choosing her over a room full of available, easy sex.

“Positive. Barney Stinson is as much an expert on work-related affairs as he is on bedroom affairs,” he says with a devilish grin. “Whatever it is, I’ve got the answer. Just wait right here.” He gives her one last smile before disappearing back over the wall.

In his wake Robin settles back against the pillow, laughing a little too herself. There’s no refuting how excited and happy she is to have him with her tonight really listening and caring about her issues. She’s never waited for a man in her life. And as dangerous as waiting on Barney Stinson is – as any of her emotions and feelings relying on his appearance is – she can’t help feeling he’s the only man who ever has been worth waiting for. And that damned Beyoncé song haunts her again. Maybe Barney was right; maybe it was a bad choice, because the lyrics flood her heart again: It’s like I’ve been awakened. Every rule I had you’re breaking. It’s a risk that I’m taking. But I ain’t never gonna shut you out.

It’s not by choice, she knows. She’s just incapable of shutting him out; she’s tried. So for now she just gives in to it, laying her head back, putting the earbuds in, and going along for the ride with the very scary feeling that Beyoncé may be right about Barney being everything she needs and more.

Downstairs, on his way hurrying back from the kitchen, Barney runs smack into Ted.   “Dude, you’ve got to get rid of your co-worker,” he stresses, refusing at this point to identify him as his own friend.

Barney glances over to the couch where Ted was sitting. On it now are just that same girl he was hitting on earlier and Gary Blauman. “Blauman?” Barney questions. “You can’t out-game Blauman?”

Ted bristles. “He knows a lot about Teddy Roosevelt, okay? You still work with the guy. Just get rid of him. I’ve got a decent shot at sex here and the girl’s a solid 8. You’ve got to appreciate that. Please, Barney,” he takes to begging when his other tactics didn’t work. “From one wingman to another. Every second away from her I’m losing ground.”

“Look, bro, I would,” Barney answers reluctantly, “but I’ve got a thing going I’ve got to get back to.”

“Ahh, I get it. Quid pro bro,” Ted answers slyly, thinking Barney’s trying to blackmail him into arranging his own hookup. “Well, here…” He hastily scans the room, grabbing the arm of the blonde secretary walking by who used to work with him at his old firm. “Ashli, have you met Barney?” Ted says, pushing the woman at him and walking back to the couch.

And because timing is a bitch, Ted’s old work friend happens to be clingy, and slutty, and too dim to take a hint. She instantly gloms onto him and he can’t seem to tactfully extricate himself. He’s still trying to work his way out of that mess, finally opting to just be blunt despite any ensuing anger and just tell her he’s with someone, when Blauman comes over before he can.

“Barney, you’ve got to help me out.” Blauman pulls him slightly aside. “I’m trying to arrange a little somethin-somethin but that’s really hard to do when there’s a third party hanging around. If you could just distract – ”

“I can’t. I’m busy right now,” Barney answers tersely, tired of this whole ridiculous situation and impatient to get back to Robin.

“I see,” Blauman smirks, looking towards the blonde at Barney’s right. “I help you, you help me.” Thinking he’s doing him a solid, Blauman pulls the blonde back over and starts talking Barney up to her.

“No,” Barney whines beneath his breath. “Will everyone just stop helping me?”

Back up on the roof it’s been three songs and ten minutes and Robin’s been waiting and waiting, wondering what’s taking so long to grab two beers. Finally she gets restless and heads down to check for herself. Climbing back in the apartment, the first thing she sees is Barney. His back is to the window but she’d recognize that silhouette and suit – and the man in it – anywhere. The second thing she notices is the scantily clad, bleached blonde woman hanging all over him, enthralled at his every word.

The stab of jealousy, disillusionment, and injured feelings shouldn’t be there….but it is. “Of course,” Robin mutters bitterly. Because she should have known better and she’s got no one to blame but herself.

She swiftly changes direction and heads into her room before he can see her, heads back to bed disappointed.

What was she thinking imagining Barney Stinson would ever put her first?

****

The next morning even after showering, changing into a pair of comfy sweats for a quiet day at home – a habit she falls into whenever she’s had a setback and is depressed – and blow-drying her hair, Ted, Gary Blauman from GNB, and the woman whose name she ultimately discovered is Steph, are still sitting on the couch locked in some sort of battle of wills, or hormones.

Whatever it is, Robin’s in no mood to put up with it, still stinging from what happened last night and hating herself for believing for even a second that it would turn out otherwise, and she just ignores them. Grabbing the paper, she pours herself a bowl of cereal and sits down to eat her breakfast as if they aren’t even there. Although when Ted has a sleep deprived outburst of “Would you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep?!” she can’t refrain from replying “Smooth, bro” around her cornflakes.

Not surprisingly, Steph leaves after that and Ted goes off to bed to get some sleep just as he said. Giving up, Blauman too is about to head home but asks to use their restroom first. As soon as Blauman closes the bathroom door, that’s the moment Barney picks to let himself into the apartment.

Finding Robin alone, which is what he’d hoped for, Barney heads over to stand beside her. “Hey,” he says cautiously, not sure if he should sound happy to see her or completely indifferent as he has no clue why she took off on him the night before. “So what happened last night?”

Robin scoffs indignantly at that. “You’re asking me?”

It’s clear by her tone that he’s done something wrong and she’s miffed at him, though he has no clue what his transgression was.

“But, hey, it’s no big deal,” she continues, making it very clear that it is. “I’m the one who told you to go back to the party and score your 8 for that hookup you wanted, so easy breezy.” She gets up and walks away from him, brings her bowl to the sink. “I just thought since you told me I was more important and asked me to wait that you’d be coming back. But that’s probably a classic play, right? How to deal with the overemotional talker.”

“No,” Barney answers dumbfounded, following her into the kitchen. “Where would you get an idea like that?”

“When I finally got wise and came downstairs and saw you with your latest conquest,” she replies, brushing past him to walk into the living room. “But that’s okay. You ditched me for some bimbo, so whatever,” she shrugs. “You’re Barney Stinson; what can I expect? I mean I thought it was ‘bros before hos’, but you know…”

Now Barney understands and he feels hot, niggling dread creeping through him as he crosses into the living room to her. They came so close to a breakthrough last night, he can’t let her think that about him. He has to get back on her good side again. “Robin, I swear, I didn’t ditch you for the bimbo. I didn’t even have sex with her. I promise you that’s not what happened.”

“It wasn’t what it looked like?” Robin mocks. “Come on, Barney, you can do better than that.”

“We didn’t have sex. That’s not what you saw. Ted thought he was being a good wingman by hooking me up with this girl he knew. I was just trying to get rid of her so I could get back to you. I even had our two beers in my hand – did you see that?”

“Yeah, one for you and one for her.”

“No, I swear,” Barney promises, stepping closer and putting his hand on her arm. “They were for us. Leave no man behind and all of that,” he reminds her, referencing their very first night broing out. “I still believe it, Robin. I wasn’t ditching you. I got away from her as politely as possible, but when I went back up to the roof you’d already gone. I came back downstairs, tried your room, but the door was locked. I thought you ditched me…..And then I told Ted I was leaving and I went home. Alone,” he clarifies before she even bothers asking because he knows that’s her next remark.

Robin doesn’t know what to believe anymore. She knows what she saw, but his story is plausible. And he sounds so earnest and sincere. But with Barney – habitual liar that he is – that usually means nothing. Still, he hasn’t made a habit of lying to her. With her, he’s usually brutally honest about every detail of a hookup, far more than she cares to hear. “You really didn’t have sex with that girl?” she asks him uncertainly. “Tell me the truth, Barney.”

Pinning her with his eyes looking squarely into hers, he vows, “I didn’t have sex with her. Honestly. Standing you up and abandoning you there just to bang some random girl, that’s not something I would do.” Robin gives him a pointed look. “Alright, it’s totally something I would do,” he admits with a smile but says the next part seriously. “But not to you…..Okay?”

Robin slowly smiles now too, closing her eyes in embarrassment for overreacting. “Okay.” She’s got to get a hold of herself before whatever this weird thing is she’s feeling or having or whatever it is with Barney starts making her act really crazy. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt.”

“It is bros before hos, Robin. Always.” Barney holds up his fist for her to bump and when she does, along with one of their patented explosions, he grins, laughing. “That’s more like it.” He grabs her arm and pulls her down on the couch to sit with him. “Now tell me what you were going to tell me last night. Tell me all about what’s going on at work. Take your time; I have the whole day free.”

Robin’s eyes light up with mischief. “I’ll get to that, but first let me tell you how pathetically Ted blew a sure thing this morning.”

“Ted can’t even manage to bang a sure thing? Imagine that.” Barney shakes his head.

“Oh this was a good one too,” she giggles, resting her hand on his arm. “You only missed it by like ten minutes.”

Barney turns to her, grinning in anticipation, when Blauman comes walking back out of the bathroom.

“Oh hey, Barney,” Blauman greets him.

Robin looks up, annoyed at the interruption. She’d honestly forgotten the man was still here.

“Hey, Blauman,” Barney responds, equally lacking enthusiasm.

“I bet you had quite a time last night,” Blauman snickers.

Barney can see it all before it even happens, like staring at a house of cards and watching as someone swipes a hand across it, knocking them all down. There’s nothing he can do to stop it, only brace himself for what’s to come.

“We all heard you doing that girl in the bathroom. It’s better than I got, that’s for sure. It took me all night to realize I was barking up the wrong tree. But you….congratulates, man.” He raises his hand for a high five. “It sounded like a good time was had by all.”

It feels to Robin like someone’s just thrown a bucket of ice water on her. It’s that much of a shock to the system – discombobulating, outrageous and disgusting all rolled into one. “So let me get this straight,” she says, standing up and stepping away from Barney to face Blauman eye to eye. “You’re saying Barney had sex with some girl in my bathroom last night.”

“Yeah,” Blauman says, confused. He doesn’t know what’s going on but he’s aware of the change in the room. “Some friend of Ted’s, I guess.”

“I see,” she nods, staring daggers at Barney.

“I’m just gonna go,” Blauman mutters awkwardly before taking off, but no one pays him any mind.

It’s obvious to Barney that he’s caught in a lie, but not all of it was a lie. Most of it wasn’t. He only took the easy sex in the bathroom after he saw that Robin had gone and it felt like a rejection from her. He had no idea that she’d actually come downstairs and gotten the wrong idea. He really hadn’t ditched her for the bimbo; that was the important part. But this morning she was already peeved and he knew that if she found out the rest she’d be mad or, worse still, disappointed in him. He didn’t want either, so he lied. “Okay. I did have sex with her. But that was only after you’d gone to bed. I didn’t stand you up so I could be with her, and I did leave alone. It was only – ”

“Barney, just go home.” Robin turns her back on him, walking to her room. “I don’t want to hear any more from you,” she says a second before closing the door.

****

The next day he finds her in the apartment again, waits until Ted leaves, and then apologizes to her candidly, explaining that he’d only lied because he didn’t want to risk their friendship with her getting the wrong idea and thinking he’d abandoned her for ready sex, because that wasn’t how it happened at all.

Barney is so serious and pained while he’s saying it that Robin knows right away he’s genuinely telling the true this time.

“So we’re good?” Barney asks nervously. “You’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Yes, we’re good,” Robin smiles. And they are. But as friends. She can’t allow herself to even momentarily consider the idea of anything more. Because believing him before still makes her feel like one of his gullible pickups. And it bothers her – hurts her, to tell the truth – the ease with which he could lie right to her face, and so sincerely too. Her, of all people. They are the two outsiders and she’s always felt like they have this understanding between them. But the fact that he wouldn’t be honest and straightforward with her – and then lied about lying – makes her wonder if he’s even capable of telling the absolute truth. And that thought makes it too scary to entertain the idea of ever being anything more than friends.

Robin runs a hand over her face as she pulls herself from the memory, watching her reflection in the mirror, a picture perfect bride wearing a very troubled expression.

It wasn’t so much the sex that bugged her that morning. Yes, she was jealous, but she’d felt at least vaguely that way about all of Barney’s conquests for a while at that point. Whenever she felt that way she’d just remind herself they didn’t mean anything to him and that helped a lot. But regardless of jealousy, or envy, or wanting it to be her, or whatever it was, they weren’t even remotely together. He could sleep with whoever he wanted, wherever he wanted, and she couldn’t rightly be mad at him for that. But it sucked that he hadn’t been there for her while he was off on his own interests – because no matter what he said she couldn’t believe he hadn’t enjoyed the girl’s flirtations more than he let on when he went back and slept with her later that night. And she hated that he’d lie to her about it that way.

Robin puts her head all the way into her hands now, closing her eyes and reminding herself that was four years ago. Barney’s changed. They both have.

…..But has there been enough change, she wonders. Because that’s kind of the same thing that happened when she called him to help her and he didn’t come to the park because he was too busy off having his fun.

Dear god, she wishes he would have just come through for her that day, or somehow gotten her locket for her since then. Against all rationality in the back of her mind she kept wishing that he’d somehow pull it off for her in the week and a half in between. Because that was the sign she’d asked for, finding her locket still after all these years. That was the signal that their marriage is destined to last and everything will be okay. If he’d been able to somehow magically find it, it would have been this perfect sign that their love is a modern day fairy tale just like Lily’s scrapbook said and it’s meant to be and nothing can come between them, ever. It would have been that ultimate preassurance that it’s alright to marry him; it won’t end in disaster like her parents’ marriage did. And if he’d only just shown up at the park – if he’d even tried at all – that would have proven Barney is always there for her, he always comes through.

As it is now, she keeps hearing her mom’s words repeat in her head: a marriage will only last if the man is safe, dependable, and never-fail there for you.

Well, Barney Stinson is about the most dangerous man any woman could choose for a husband. He hasn’t always been dependable either. In fact sometimes he can be downright unpredictable, and it’s hard to fully know what you can and can’t believe when he has such a history of lying and doing it so well. And that day in the park at least he wasn’t there for her. Now this Blauman memory has brought another such time to mind, albeit in the distance past.

Panic has set in, cold and debilitating, and she can’t think straight, can’t seem to discern anything anymore – what’s important and real and what’s trivial and insignificant, what’s a genuine concern and what’s just paranoia, what’s a critical problem and what is simply fear talking. She’s all confused and scared and jumbled up inside and she can’t figure out what to make of it.

But she’s supposed to get married in exactly thirty minutes. She’s supposed to make the biggest commitment of her life in just a half an hour, a commitment that for years she thought she’d never make.

…..And she doesn’t know if she can do it. She honestly feels like she can’t. It’s her and Barney. Her and Barney. What are they doing getting married?

She’s having a serious crisis here. So she calls for the best man.

Because two and half years ago he promised her he’d talk her through this moment and get her down that aisle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: I wanted to explain in this chapter how Robin’s “serious crisis” came on so suddenly other than just her mom’s nonsensical ramblings about Barney being like Robin Sr. (which is ridiculous and doesn’t fit her dad’s character at all). Plus however her mom spooked her, and she obviously did, Robin still went to the church, had her hair done, put on her wedding dress and so forth. Even spooked, at no time in the three hours in between does she try to call it off. So I wanted to show it as being an irrational freak-out because the time was now upon her, but also a freak-out that needed just the tiniest new catalyst (on top of everything else) to set it off….and enter Gary Blauman.

I chose the Blauman flashback that was presented in the episode because Robin’s hair was too long for it to be set in Season 6 or 7 so that placed it in Season 4 or 5, and late Season 4 just made sense in terms of providing an additional reason why she was reluctant to go for it with Barney in the first place and why she says in “The Leap”, “It’s Barney….but it’s Barney” – and of course remembering those reasons for her reluctance isn’t going to be helpful at a time when she’s already freaking out.

One last thing if there was any confusion, in the flashback Barney makes a reference to last November when Robin was staying with Marshall and Lily and what happened up on their roof, that’s a callback to an earlier flashback I wrote in 9.13.

AN #2: The chapter for 9.22 will feature not only the lead-up and the wedding itself but also all of the reception as well as the wedding night and morning after (I feel like I’ve already covered the honeymoon in my chapter for 9.16 so there won’t be any more of that included) so that in the next chapter I can start doing time jumps. The point being, it’s likely going to be a very long finale chapter, and the whole story has been leading up to this so I want to do it justice. That means this next update won’t be as quick as the others have been recently, but I hope it will be worth the wait (I’ve certainly enjoyed working on this part of the story).

Fanfic: Catching the Clock 9.21, Part One

2014-05-04T23:29:24Z

Previous Chapters

AN: The debate over kicking out Blauman doesn’t really have any bearing on Barney/Robin events or the wedding as a whole. Therefore I’m not going to cover it and will focus instead on the Blauman flashbacks, one of which I thought going in would be a simple (though vitally important) flashback but it took on a life of its own in this chapter and grew into a 6,000+ word scene. FYI, just for some placement, that scene is meant to be set roughly in between “Murtaugh” and “Mosbius Designs”.

And I apologize again for the angst in this chapter. The story is at that point where I can’t write Barney/Robin fluff just yet, but I promise you it is coming; all the future chapters are almost nothing but happiness and awesomeness for years and years and years – because that’s the way it would have been in a canon world.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gary Blauman

Over at the church, while Robin is having her hair done Barney has that bonding talk with her mom they both wanted them to have. Genevieve tells him a little bit about herself but he discerns the basic gist of her personality simply from the story of her flight here and the way she tells it. She’s an excitable, overemotional woman with a tendency to be self-absorbed – she’s barely let him get a word in edgewise and doesn’t seem to have even noticed. She’s also prone to letting her fears rule her life. She almost didn’t come to her daughter’s wedding, heedless of the effect that would have, because of said fears – and then nearly killed a plane full of people when she did decide to come.

Between her mom and her dad, Robin had very little hope at a normal, healthy childhood. No kid could survive all that without emerging with some issues. It’s pretty clear to him now that Robin’s guarded nature wasn’t only from needing to hide her feelings from her father, which is what he’d always assumed, but it was also a result of her mother being the exact opposite and observing the outcome and consequences that had on her life. Moreover, teenage Robin no doubt endured plenty of male bashing, anti-love/anti-relationship propaganda at her mother’s hand too that helped shaped her avoidance of commitment. Inappropriate though it may be, Genevieve has already brought up Mr. Scherbatsky, his faults, and their failed marriage no less than three times in their brief conversation. It’s kind of bumming Barney out – and they only just met. Robin was subjected to it on a daily basis.

Getting to know her mother has given Barney a whole new respect for his fiancée, and though Genevieve seems like a nice enough woman he’s glad when Marshall comes to find him announcing that it’s time for him to start getting ready.

A couple hours pass after that as everyone begins preparing themselves for the wedding. While Robin continues to get ready, friends and family go in and out: her mom, and Lily, and Patrice in small doses, and Katie keeps popping in to spend some time with her sister before taking her place in the audience.

Robin had naturally asked her sister to be in the wedding and when she declined she’d next asked Barney’s sister but she also declined. Neither Robin nor Barney cared about having a big wedding party but it would have been nice to have one of the two girls just to even out the numbers; as it is Barney has an extra groomsman. Nevertheless, both Katie and Carly didn’t want to be a bridesmaid as they both felt it was “too clichéd”. Robin cut them some slack when she remembered that at twenty-two she would have probably reacted the same way. A decade really changes a person. Case in point, exactly ten years later the second biggest champion of singledom is standing in a church on her wedding day – about to marry the biggest champion – and it’s time for her to put on the dress.

Now that it’s gotten later she’s mostly alone in her bridal room. Her mother is ill-equipped for this type of thing and has taken to mingling outside, which is alright by Robin since her earlier advice only left her in a tailspin. Katie is still in her ‘love is too lame for me’ phase so while she’s happy for her sister she mostly has an above-it-all attitude when she pops in. Level-headed Lily, whose guidance could actually be of some help at a time like this, is the wedding party go-between, too busy checking back and forth from her to the men to stay in one spot for long. As soon as she zips Robin into her dress she takes off again, leaving Robin all alone – and getting more and more anxious by the second.

Stepping into her dress turned out to be the thing that really does it. Because she’s standing there in a white wedding dress. It is definitely real now.

Her mom already left her spooked and now that the time is upon her – there’s just one hour until the ceremony – Robin can feel herself starting to completely freak-out.

Marriage is hard work; it just is. It’s a gamble with less than great odds to begin with, and when it’s between the two of them…..they’re just going into it with so much baggage. Considering their individual issues and that both her and Barney share similar dysfunctions, on paper it just seems like a recipe for disaster. If you put a messed up person with someone ‘normal’, there’s a better chance that the normal one can pull them through. But if you put two messed up individuals together, well then you might just get a mess. That’s always been her fear anyway. And now her mother agrees.

It’s not that she’s second-guessing her feelings for Barney or that she doesn’t want to marry him. She’s never wanted anything more. But she’s not blind to what rationality tells her. He has his definite red flags, and she has her own too. Together they’re like one giant flashing-red warning sign. Warning: odds say this marriage isn’t going to work. Even Marshall and Lily joked about it after they first got engaged, with Marshall wondering how long it would be before Barney ran out on her and Lily telling him he needed to work up to the I’m-sorry-I-cheated-on-you diamond.

It may be going well for them as a couple now but will they be able to maintain that long-term? Can something this great ever last? In her experience the answer to that has always been ‘no’ so she’s always expected good things to eventually come to an end, and it’s hard to reprogram that and trust that now she gets to be happy for life.

Yes, they’ve been happy all this time, wonderfully happy. They went through hell to get here and what few problems they had left have been minor and easily worked through – as in the very same day worked through. She loves Barney as he is and she does love their story, but she also fears that story may mean they’re starting out married life at a disadvantage. Logic and reason tell her that if being married is tricky even for people who’ve got it all together like Marshall and Lily – and clearly it is by the doozy of a fight they just had last night – then how in the world are she and Barney going to be able do it?

A sudden knock on her door distracts her and when Robin turns she sees Katie walking in.

“So…..5 o’clock,” her sister tells her, shutting the door again behind them. “It’s almost that time.”

“Yeah.” Robin restlessly looks back to her reflection in the mirror, smoothing out her skirt even though it doesn’t need straightening.

Katie comes up behind her and picks up her veil from the dressing table. “You sound nervous. We’re not gonna have a runaway bride situation on our hands, are we?”

“No,” Robin shakes her head. “No, of course not.” She busies herself with putting on her earrings and then the matching necklace she chose before the ‘something old’ idea came to her…..before she couldn’t find her locket.

“Good,” Katie replies, reaching up and pinning the veil into her sister’s hair as they stand facing the mirror, eyes meeting through the glass. “Cause as much as I think some of the mushy-gushy stuff like your friend Lily’s scrapbook is cheesy, I can tell you really love Barney. To tell you the truth, sis….” She gestures squiggly fingers down her frame. “….you’re lousy with it. It practically leaks from your pores that you love him like crazy. And anyone can see he loves you that way too.”

Robin watches her lips form a smile of their own accord. Because it’s true; she does love Barney like crazy, and simply hearing someone else say how obvious it is that he loves her fills her with a warmth and happiness that just has to make its presence known.

“I think he even may have had a little thing for you all those years ago when I came to visit you in New York,” Katie reveals. “Do you know he asked me four times before I left if he could buy your old diary, each time raising the price a ridiculous amount? By the time I got on my flight he was offering to pay for my entire college education.”

Robin spins around to face her. “Barney followed you to the airport?” This is the first she’s heard of it.

“He thought he could strike a deal if he caught me alone while you weren’t there. Something about Scherbatskys being cunning that way.”

“Yes,” Robin laughs, her smile growing, “well, Barney’s always taken a peculiar interest in my teenage years.”

“Is it the whole underage, Girls Gone Wild type thing?”

“No, I think it’s more a Robin Sparkles type thing,” she smirks. “Take my advice, Katie. Never develop an alter ego. If you do, your future husband will develop a fetish for it and you’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Oh come off it, Hoser. Don’t tell me you haven’t helped develop that fetish of his,” Katie says perceptively. “Mom told me how over the years one-by-one you sent for all your Robin Sparkles props – and outfits….So you’ve never played dress-up for him?” At her sister’s guilty look, Katie laughs shrewdly. “That’s what I thought. Not that I blame you. My new brother-in-law is hot, and so is role playing.”

“Katie.”

“What? I know you already know that. You might keep it on the down low now that you’re all grownup and demure and a professional WWN national anchor but,” she slyly reveals the secret she found out, “you loved his one alter ego fetish so much that you went out and developed another one, Night Falcon.”

Robin looks to her sister, flabbergasted. “How do you know about that?”

“I was looking on Barney’s laptop when I got bored during the movie.”

Robin’s eyes widen. “What else did you see on there?”

Katie grins. “Enough to know that at thirty-two my sister still brings it better than most twenty year olds.”

“Damn straight,” Robin agrees. But after the moment of initial pride she realizes what that means. “Wait….what exactly did you watch?”

“I only found the naked pictures,” Katie answers offhandedly. “But good to know there’s something to watch. Homemade sex tapes. I have a classy big sister,” she teases.

“It’s not trashy when we’re about to be married,” Robin defends.

“Hey, no judgment. I think it’s awesome. There may even be a homemade production or two that I’ve starred in.”

“Uh, don’t tell me anymore.” Heaven help them when Katie meets Carly, who should be here at any minute. They’re like peas in a pod, both of them a wild child. The two together are likely to wreak havoc on Farhampton.

“Okay, have it your way,” Katie subscribes. “Then I’ll tell you instead what I almost forgot: there’s some guy out in the hallway asking to say hi before the wedding.”

“Did he say who he was?” Robin wonders, perplexed. It must not be any of their relatives if her sister doesn’t know him.

“No. And I didn’t ask.”

Speculating on who it could be, Robin opens the door to find Gary Blauman standing there before her.

That pulls her from the temporary respite from her nerves that Katie had provided right back into full-on anxiety. Because now something’s going wrong already – and the ceremony hasn’t even started……

Two Months Ago

“Hey,” Robin greets her fiancé as she slides into the booth across from him. But when she really gets a good look at his face she can instantly see something’s wrong. “What happened?”

“What happened? What happened?” Barney sputters. “What happened, Robin, is I was just a victim of a shocking injustice.”

She can already tell this is going to be one of his grandiose but ultimately not-even-close-to-deserving-of-the-drama tirades and the spontaneous smile on her lips is reflex. This is just one of those characteristics that has always made Barney uniquely Barney. “Tell me what happened,” she asks, amused.

“I – I – ” He hangs his head, evidently too upset to go on.

Now she fondly rolls her eyes even as she pats his arm in comfort. “Alright, just tell me the story.”

After taking a moment to collect himself, Barney continues. “I was here at the bar, right here in this booth,” he gestures to the spot he’s still sitting in, “ready to meet you, and I ordered some fries while I was waiting. No big deal, right?” He waits until Robin nods to add a resounding, “Wrong! Gary Blauman comes in and I’m thinking, ‘Cool, I’ve got an old bro to keep me company while I wait’, so I invite him to sit down. That just happens to be when Carl brings my fries, making it even better cause I’m starving since I worked through most of lunch.”

“So what’s the problem?” Robin asks, not understanding.

“The problem began when Carl turns right to Blauman and asks him pointblank if he needs anything too, and get this: Blauman says, ‘I’m good, thanks’.”

He pauses dramatically, leading her to guess, “And he wasn’t?”

“He was not even close to ‘good, thanks’,” Barney rages. “He took four of my fries, Robin. Four of them.”

“Okay. Not cool,” she reflects. “But also not a ‘shocking injustice’ – though I know how you get when you’re starving.” When he’s really hungry he can get like she does, snappy and very territorial of his food. Even at the best of times they’ve only been known to almost exclusively share food and drinks with each other and no one else.

“It wasn’t just that he took them – without asking, by the way. That would have been bad enough. But he took them after being offered his own. He’s ‘good, thanks’ but he wants to eat all of mine? No. That’s not how civilized society works,” Barney expounds. “The first one he took was presumptuous; he could see that I hadn’t even had one yet. But I could scarcely believe it when he went in for a second, and then a third, and the whole time acting like he’d done nothing wrong, just eating away as if it were a basket of fries for the table rather than my own personal order. And then – ” He steels himself with a steadying breath. “Robin, and then, the fourth fry he took….it was an accidental curly,” he acrimoniously announces.

“No,” Robin responds with an appropriate mix of outrage and loss – and it’s not even put-on either; she honestly does appreciate what a tragedy and slight that would be for him. “Oh, baby. I know how much you love accidental curlies. That’s why I give you mine whenever I find one.”

“It was awful, Robin. I saw him reach in and dig it out from beneath the pile and I was overjoyed at its discovery. I thought he was about to congratulate me on my good fortune, but then he kept bringing it up to his lips. It was horrifying, horrifying, like watching the slow-motion death of one of your friends.”

“Well, maybe not that bad,” she point outs.

But he continues unaffected. “I was powerless to stop it. I watched him just shove it onto his tongue,” Barney demonstrates, “careless of the impropriety and breach of the code he’d just committed.”

“The Bro Code?”

“This goes higher than the Bro Code. It’s a matter of human dignity. He just – he ate my accidental curly,” he emphasizes again, because that fact alone is universal enough for anyone to recognize the umbrage. “It was the most shocking, disturbing, deplorable thing I’d ever seen. He robbed me of what was mine. Stole it away right in front of my eyes, the heartless bastard. Blauman’s not welcome at our wedding after this.”

“Barney,” Robin replies. She’s been enjoying this up until now, but mention of their wedding prompts a need for some levelheadedness. “We already invited him. It was your idea. We can’t just uninvite him now.”

“But….” Barney protests, dumbfounded. “How can we have an unrepentant accidental curly thief at our wedding?!”

“Just relax,” she laughs. “It doesn’t seem like we’ll have an accidental curly thief for a guest anyway. The wedding is in two months and we still haven’t received his reply card. It looks like he’s busy.”

“Yeah, busy stealing accidental curlies,” he glowers petulantly. “If he does come, promise me we can at least sit him somewhere crappy. Ooh,” he perks up excitedly, “like next to my Aunt Muriel, and then he can spend the whole reception listening to her complain about her bunion.”

“Fine,” Robin smiles. “If we get his RSVP we’ll work out the seating chart so he’s stuck at a table next to your Aunt Muriel. But for now just forget all about Blauman, okay? I’m gonna go get us a round and I’ll order some new fries.”

“There’s no point,” Barney answers glumly. “I had Carl take the old ones away as soon as Blauman left. I didn’t have the heart to touch a fry after what he did.”

“Stop, you’re sharing an order with me. It’ll cheer you up. And I promise if we find an accidental curly it’s all yours.”

Up at the bar Robin reorders Barney more fries, regular cut, and surreptitiously asks Carl to purposefully mix in a few ‘accidental’ curlies. “But really make it look like it was by chance,” she instructs. When Carl gives her an odd look, she shrugs, explaining affectionately, “That’s the dream.”

Gary Blauman was not supposed to be here. They have reply cards for a reason, dammit!

But with the way he’s acting it’s pretty clear he’d planned to come all along, which means his card must have gotten lost in the mail. Yet another bad omen?

The second he walks down the hallway and Marshall conveniently walks up the stairs, Robin calls a Code Red – and there’s no question she’s freaking out now. Blauman has no place to sit….and it took them weeks to plan the seating chart as it is….and now Marshall’s saying her hair is messed up.

She can’t take even one more thing going wrong. First Marshall couldn’t get to Farhampton, and then the troubles with Loretta, and their first minister dying, and Marshall and Lily’s huge fight, and then Barney disappearing and being unable to come out of his hangover after she found him – the cancelled pictures, the missing locket, her mom’s ominous comparisons, and now this too. She’s really starting to lose control here.

But Marshall swears that he’s got this; the crisis is taken care of before it even has a chance to blowup. She’s being irrational, that’s all. She just needs to calm down, she tells herself, retreating back into her room.

****

With everything now settled again after the whole Gary Blauman crisis, Barney returns to his room to finish getting ready – or more like stare into the mirror and pace. With less than forty-five minutes before the ceremony begins the anxiety of this morning is returning.

He was holding up fine before, but everyone left and now it’s just him in the room alone…..standing there in a wedding suit staring down the biggest commitment of his life and wondering again, like he had the night before when he couldn’t sleep, if he will live up to what it takes to be a good husband and not let Robin down. He’s no longer broken; it’s not that he worries marriage can’t be for a guy like him. But marriage is still a big deal for anyone, and now that it’s nearly zero hour Barney finds himself inundated with typical pre-wedding concerns – only amplified for a groom who for over a decade thought marriage was something he’d never, ever do.

He starts fixating on his tie as an outlet for his nerves, fixating on the fact that Robin liked the other one better, and by the time Lily stops back to check on him Barney feels himself beginning to lose it and he sends her to find Ted.

Maybe it would have been better to send for his dad. Jerry was the one who helped him before to see that it wasn’t too late for him, he wasn’t too far gone and marriage was something he could have as long as he wanted it – and found the right girl, which he unquestionably has. But his dad’s been busy consoling Cheryl ever since her kidnapping by Ranjit last night – that’s totally on him – and he’s already been back here a few times already so Barney went with his best man instead.

When Ted gets there Barney denies he’s having wedding jitters. Barney Stinson doesn’t get scared; he gets awesome instead.

But he’s falling apart because he is scared – he’s petrified – so he quickly breaks down and admits that it’s not just about a tie. “What if this whole thing is a disaster? What if this is the worst wedding ever?”

Look at how much has already gone wrong this weekend, and now Blauman showing up unexpectedly and storming off after they all offended him. And then it turns out he’s the reason behind James’s divorce. Which is another thing that’s disconcerting. He doesn’t need James’s relationship to believe in love now that he has Robin, but it certainly didn’t hurt to have his brother’s positive example to strive toward and model after. And on top of everything else he can’t seem to write his vows though he’s been trying for weeks.

“Not possible,” Ted counters with certainty. “We’ve already been to the worst wedding ever.”

Barney smiles and a little laugh escapes him as he instantly knows what Ted means. “Punchy’s wedding.”

“No wedding will ever, ever be as bad as that one, right?” Ted states.

Actually, Barney didn’t think Punchy’s wedding was that bad, and the moment he shared with Robin at the reception is one of his top memories of all time. In fact, he finds himself relaxing and smiling happily just thinking about that night with Robin and knowing now that she was in love with him too and was saying those words to him, the same words he wanted to be saying to her if he only thought she’d reciprocate. Sometimes he wonders what might have been that night if they’d just been honest with each other. Well, more he wonders if they could have gotten back together a year sooner if he would have just told her then. Otherwise he knows exactly what would have happened that night: the very same thing that ended up happening two months later.

They really do have the kind of chemistry that just doesn’t go away. And not just chemistry, but love too. Hopelessly, irretrievably in love, that’s what they both are.

Yep. There’s no doubt about it. Marrying Robin is right. He knows this is right, knows it without question.

Part Two

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.20

2014-04-25T19:06:03Z

Previous Chapters

AN: This chapter is shorter than my usual (and the next likely will be too) because really this episode was primarily made up of stalling. There were some important Marshall/Lily developments but even with those the vital part amounted to 3 minutes at the most, and the portion dealing with Robin’s mother and how she kick-starts her wedding jitters is certainly important to this story but that collectively amounted to 3-5 minutes also. Bottom line, this episode shouldn’t have been more than 10 minutes long. That’s all the more story content that is in it.

And Barney is lacking in almost any plot here. He just follows along as a witness to Ted’s pointless detective antics. So for this chapter we’re not going to see much of his perspective because there’s simply not much to show or examine.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daisy

After the astonishment of her sudden appearance wears off enough to function again, Robin takes her mom back to her and Barney’s room, and after introducing her to Lily she just has to hear the particulars of how she got to Farhampton.

Robin’s aware she must have taken a plane; there’s no other way she could have made it here in time. But with her mom’s extreme fear of flying she can hardly believe it. Hearing the story from her, it was just as awful as Robin would have imagined it, worse even, as her mom is now considered a homeland security threat.

Yet Genevieve braved it anyway just to be here with her now, and to Robin’s mind that goes a long way toward making up for her other failings.

Robin has always had a complicated relationship with her mother, but she’s come to realize that’s simply because her mother is a complicated woman. The root of most of that complication derives from the fact that her mom never got over her dad. She never got over the marriage or the divorce, and she became resentful and jaded over the years because of it. Meanwhile, her dad moved on entirely. He rarely mentions her mom. Even when she was still a child he never did. And if Robin brings her up in conversation her dad says next to nothing and acts almost as if he never really knew her. But bringing up her dad to her mom will lead to an hour long rant taking off on various different tangents.

Robin long ago suspected that’s because there are still feelings there on her mom’s side and certainly still hurt, though Genevieve would never admit it as much herself. Yet the facts speak for themselves. There’s never been any other man of significance in her mom’s life, and she still wears her wedding band now, twenty-two years later, while her dad is on to wife number two who he genuinely does love in a way he never loved her mother, because for Carol at least he actually is trying and has made great strides. But her mom is still hung up on the past, hung up on a relationship that wasn’t meant to be.

That’s the very reason Robin doesn’t blame her mom so much for the things she endured in her dysfunctional childhood. She knows her mom was just trying with everything she had to hold onto her marriage, even though her husband didn’t love her and even though it meant losing all of her own self-respect. That’s why Genevieve put up with his assorted mistresses and allowed the most long-term of them to dine with her family, and even offered to join them in the bedroom if that would keep him around and keep her a part of things. Robin can speak to that point personally after that time when she was ten years old and she accidentally walked in on her mom and her dad and his “special friend” Brandi. But eventually that wasn’t enough and her dad wanted a divorce – and even then Genevieve let him have his way, let him keep Robin while she left with Katie, another girl and an infant who he had little interest in.

Her mom should have fought harder for her, there’s no doubt about that. She should have fought harder to keep her from being raised under such traumatizing conditions as her dad created. Conditions that, to be fair, significantly worsened once her mother left. However, Genevieve was well aware of his desire to literally raise her as a boy even when she signed over custody.

For the longest time that fact made Robin feel as unloved and unwanted and just-not-good-enough in the eyes of her mother as she always knew she was in the eyes of her father. But as she grew older she came to realize there was more to it than that. Both of her parents had their own issues and, unfortunately, both of her parents put those issues on her and left her to deal with them for all of her life.

Going to live with her mother may have gotten her out from beneath the immediate control of her father and his issues – though it was too late by then and the scars were already there. But living with her mother as a teenager only meant she was then exposed to and picked up many of her mom’s issues.

The truth of it is her mom is the one significantly responsible for warping her on the concept of love and permanent relationships. Even after witnessing her parents’ toxic marriage and bitter divorce, even while needing to dress and act like a boy to please her father, Robin still believed in love and marriage despite the fact that she had to hide that belief from her dad in the same way she hid her grandmother’s locket. Her dad may have suppressed her actions but he couldn’t restrain the heart or feminine feelings of the fourteen year old girl underneath. She kissed her hockey teammate with abandon right in her father’s study – and it wasn’t even the first time.

Under the freedom that living with her mother provided, Robin had as many crushes and was as interested in boys as the typical teenage girl, as her Robin Sparkles lyrics would attest. She had a string of teenage boyfriends but, like the typical teenage girl, she didn’t have very good judgment and none of the boys were quite worthy. That began the downfall. She eventually lost her virginity to Brian, who she’d truly liked, but he was only using her for a test of his homosexuality and wasn’t particularly nice or understanding about it afterwards. And then came the nightmare that was Simon, who she’d felt the deepest for yet and at that age genuinely believed herself to be in love with. There were some equally disappointing boys after that who likewise used her, and then her obsession with Paul Shaffer and the downward spiral that followed after his rejections and restraining order.

Through it all her mom would repeatedly tell her until she finally convinced Robin too that all of those bad things happened to her because those were just the ever-present and inescapable consequences of love and relationships. Like her father, most men are incapable of monogamy, and the few who are will only try to tie you down while looking out for their own interests. That’s why believing in love will only get you hurt; just look what happened to her. Better to swear off relationships and maintain your independence. Never get married, and avoid romantic love and feelings at all costs – it doesn’t exist anyway.

And that was the philosophy Robin held to for the next ten years, until that night at MacLaren’s back in 2005 that would eventually change everything by bringing the gang into her life.

But her mother pulls her from these thoughts and back to the here and now when she asks after Barney and if it’s possible she may have met him already because getting tased makes people lose their short term memory.

“Oh you’d remember if you’d met Barney,” Lily affably chimes in.

Robin smiles at that. Barney is definitely unique and one of a kind. She’s never met anyone like him. Because there is no one like him. She feels a little rush of love just thinking about him now, and her smile grows.

Playing the dutiful maid of honor for the moment because she really hasn’t been very helpful up till now, Lily stands up, offering to call the groom, tell him the news about his mother-in-law’s arrival, and arrange a meeting.

Meanwhile, out on the porch downstairs, talk of the recent trouble in Marshall and Lily’s relationship dominated the groomsmen’s lunch as Marshall broodingly confided in them about the huge fight they had last night where Lily mysteriously took off, and through Billy Zabka they were able to piece together that she got into the Captain’s car at three in the morning and headed to his place.

The possibility, as unthinkable as it is, that Lily may have contemplated cheating or at the very least has an uncomfortably personal relationship with her boss was upsetting for Barney to think about – he fell to pieces when he thought they were getting a divorce years ago – and on the eve of his own wedding too, and he turned to the Saltine Challenge as a pleasant distraction. But he’s thrilled when Ted answers his phone and tells him that Robin’s mom came for the wedding after all, and he promises to come right up as soon as he finishes what’s only a minute long challenge anyway.

Upstairs, Lily hangs up the phone and, having overheard, Robin questions, “The Saltine Challenge? Now?” She finds it odd behavior at an important time like this, less than four hours before their wedding, but she doesn’t think much of it. Like Lily says, guys do weird things on their wedding day – women too for that matter; she was playing hockey in the hotel suite just a couple hours ago.

Genevieve jumps in to add her opinion with, “Well on my wedding day….”, and it already makes Robin uncomfortable that her mom is starting in with the subject now. She dwells on Robin’s dad and their past relationship too much to be healthy anyway, and to bring up a failed marriage just before her wedding is in very poor taste.

Then her mom mentions how her dad completely disappeared for about three hours on the morning of their wedding.

Robin can’t deny that’s troubling to hear, troubling to consider, because it’s just what Barney did this morning….It starts her thinking, starts her worrying – and she doesn’t like the train of thought at all.

“But this Barney, he sounds like a fine young man,” Genevieve brings things back around to topic.

Robin nods and smiles and tries to shake off what her mom just said. It’s only a small coincidence, she tells herself. It doesn’t mean anything. And she was just as much to blame for keeping Barney so drunk that he barely knew what he was doing. “Yes, he is,” she agrees.

And then her phone rings.

Down the street heading towards the Captain’s, Barney recognizes he has to go with Marshall and be there for him as he tries to figure out what happened with his wife and what she was doing with another man in the middle of the night that she won’t tell him, especially when the two of them tell each other everything. Anyone could see it was eating away at Marshall. Barney knew it was important to settle it now, before it got closer to the time of the ceremony, or Marshall would live in torture until at least the next afternoon. Yet he equally understood that meeting Robin’s mom is important too. But at the very least there will be time for that at the church. There is no other time to confront the Captain and sort out this Lily mess other than right now, so he made the choice to go help his friend. But he calls Robin on the way to let her know what’s happening. “Baby, I can’t wait to meet your mom. But I kinda got to go on a little excursion with the boys right now.”

“What?” Robin responds. An ‘excursion with the boys’ just hours before their wedding? What is that? “Where are you going?” She’s displeased with this turn of events when coming upstairs right now should be his top priority. What could be more important than meeting her mother who she was crying over for hours yesterday and who it’s a miracle she even came?

But at the moment Barney’s not quite at liberty to spill the whole truth. For one thing, Marshall is right there beside him. For another, Lily is right there with Robin, and until he knows what they’re going to uncover it’s a delicate situation. “Me and the boys have to go teach someone some manners,” he explains as best he can.

Hearing that, it’s like that day in Central Park all over again. Robin needs him to be there for her but he’s busy with his own interests. And what’s far worse, that’s exactly what her father said and did on her parents’ wedding day. The thought makes her stomach begin to churn.

Seeing the look on her face as she hangs up the phone, Lily inquires if she’s okay. “No, I’m not okay. Because apparently I am marrying my dad in a few hours.” And if that’s true, if she is marrying a man like her father, well she’s already seen how that turns out.

Her mom rushes to tell her that’s not so, that this is just one little parallel instance where Barney’s not coming right away but it means nothing. “There’s so much you don’t know about your father. There were so many other red flags in our marriage.”

Robin’s still left feeling uneasy, but she thinks her mother is probably right.

…..And then her mom keeps talking, filling in those red warning flags.

Before they got engaged, he was first engaged to a stripper. “Hello!” Genevieve derides, as if any fool would touch that with a ten foot pole. “Red flag!”

Robin’s eyes widen in terror, her breath coming quick now in panic.

To impress women, he dad once dressed up like a Prussian aristocrat and had a painting made of “himself” that he posed next to it, her mother continues the list.

That was literally one of Barney’s old plays, and Robin can’t seem to get in enough oxygen, feeling an anxiety attack building.

He’d always take his mother’s side over hers – Barney just did that on Friday. He never checked with her before making plans – Barney did that on Friday too. Her parents had a huge fight right before their rehearsal dinner – she and Barney fought in laser tag jail.

Robin desperately drains her glass of scotch, and that’s before her mom even gets to the two other doozies. For the first ten years her mom didn’t know what her father did for a living and every time she asked he’d just say please. And her dad slept around before they got together too, her mom informs them as Robin downs more scotch. Back when they were friends for years first and she found it entertaining to watch, he’d actually been with twenty different women. “I should have known back then this was not husband material,” Genevieve says scathingly.

Distressed tears begin to form in Robin’s eyes. Her mom calls a past with twenty women “not husband material”? Barney’s numbers are well into the two hundreds.

The obvious detrimental effect this is having on Robin, who was likely to be skittish before the wedding anyway, has Lily up and on her feet, encouraging everyone to just calm down. “It’s no big deal,” she soothes Robin. “I’ll call up Barney and tell him he needs to come right away. You just have to let him know when something’s important to you,” she advises.

Over at the Captain’s estate, when Barney gets Lily’s call that Robin is “freaking out” he assumes it’s because he’s still not there to meet her mom. But when Lily lets him know this is serious, demanding to know where they are, Barney admits what’s going on. And that knowledge has Lily sinking down onto the bed, ashen-faced.

The second Lily gets off the phone, clearly upset, Robin’s mind instantly jumps to the worst. Blinking, she asks anxiously, “What is it? What’s wrong?” For just a second her mind entertains the question if Barney is bailing on her.

“I am so busted,” Lily reveals instead, going on to confess the whole story.

As it turns out, Lily had spent the entire weekend trying to conceal her potential pregnancy fears. It was the most inconvenient time to be dealing with such an issue, with Marvin only just a year old and another sibling in no way planned. And the whole Italy issue was looming before them, and then facing the biggest obstacle and fight in their entire marriage to date after Marshall accepted the judgeship without her knowledge and had been lying to her about it ever since. They’d both been keeping secrets, and after their colossal fight Lily had to know one way or the other if a new baby was coming. She sought solace with the Captain in the middle of the night, and now the guys have found out she was there. Robin is aware how that must look, particularly when Lily was spending so much time with the Captain last month that it became a bone of contention in her marriage. She can understand now why Barney felt this was important to take care of right away.

When Marshall comes bursting in the room just minutes after Lily finishes her story – finishes telling them she is indeed pregnant again but she never wanted Marshall to find out this way – Robin braces herself for a betrayed reaction at having learned secondhand he’s going to be a father again since Lily didn’t bother to tell him herself. But she quickly sees that’s not the case; in fact it’s going well for them, with no anger or blowup at all.

With that crisis dodged, Robin turns her attention to Barney, who came in the room behind Marshall. She hastens to introduce him to her mother, determined that at least one thing today is going to go right and as it’s supposed to.

Barney is thrilled for Robin that she has her mom standing there beside her, and he’s thrilled for himself to finally get the chance to meet her. Her mother – who they all know next to nothing about – is the last unshared thing left between them. Getting a chance to know her too feels like he has all parts of Robin open to him now, which makes it all the more special how eager Robin is to share her with him. “Hi,” he gushes.

Genevieve politely extends a hand for Barney to take, and he does, but he uses it to immediately pull her towards him and go in for a full hug, even resting his chin on her shoulder, so grateful is he to Robin’s mom for giving birth to the most awesome woman on the face of the planet, and for simply showing up now and making Robin’s day – because he knows it wouldn’t have been the same for her without her mom there, and whatever makes her happy makes him happy too.

“Ohh. Oh, he’s a hugger,” Genevieve observes in pleasant surprise. Glancing over to Robin, she assures her, “He’s nothing like your dad.”

Watching Barney hug her mother, Robin thinks on that. She thinks about the Cabbage Patch doll and the ax incident keeping her from ever being late for kindergarten again. She thinks about the way her dad made her watch her pet rabbits be shot for sport. She thinks about hundreds of other like times, thinks about the way she’s still waiting to hear that he’s proud of her, and it all adds up to her dad’s extreme callousness.

But this open display of emotion, affection, tenderness, and caring from Barney for a woman he barely knows and has no connection to other than that she’s her mother so he loves her by default, couldn’t be farther from the way her father would act and Robin manages a small smile because of that.

Easing out of the hug, Barney tells Robin’s mom, “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Scherbatsky – ”

“Please, call me Genevieve.”

“I apologize, Genevieve, for not getting here to meet you sooner. But as you can see there were some extenuating circumstances.”

“Yes,” she agrees amiably, momentarily looking over at the unfolding drama behind them. “And that’s certainly understandable.”

They all catch the tail end of the other couple’s conversation and Barney glances to Robin. “It looks like they’re going to Italy after all.”

“Yeah,” Robin nods, feeling somewhat dazed. There’s been a lot to take in these past forty-five minutes – everything that went down with Lily and Marshall, and now these disturbing thoughts about Barney and their upcoming marriage that her mother has feed in her mind.

Genevieve is still watching Lily and Marshall embrace, and after a moment she starts heading for the balcony door. “Just a sec,” Robin manages to mumble to Barney before nervously hurrying after her mom, unsure what she’s doing or why she’s going out there.

Barney looks off after Robin and her mother and he knows it’s important to bond with Genevieve; he knows Robin wants that. He’s about to head outside with them when Ted shoos him out of the suite altogether.

Out on the balcony, Genevieve explains that she thought this was a way out of the room, but she soon discovers they’re now trapped out there while Marshall and Lily are busy having sex inside.

Robin can barely spare that a thought, however. She’s still nervous and worried, her troubled mind caught up in the thoughts of before.

She’s always known that the very idea of her and Barney together goes against all convention and reason. That’s what kept her running scared from him for so long. But she fully knew all that when she said ‘yes’ to his proposal and she said ‘yes’ anyway because she loves him so very much, and knowing that he loves her too and wants that too, that’s all she cared about; convention be damned.

But now that her mom has highlighted all of those red flags and how they could apply to them, it makes it much harder to ignore. Because her mom ignored the red flags and married her dad anyway and they ended up in a bitter, bitter divorce. They still don’t speak to this day and her mom is stuck in some kind of destructive love/hate thing over her dad. She can’t keep the question from plaguing her mind if the same thing could happen to her and Barney because of similar red flags.

It’s not so much that she’s marrying her dad. Her mom’s right; Barney is nothing like her dad in personality. The similarities Genevieve inadvertently listed – the same ones that had already vexed Robin in the park – are in certain actions which are mostly in the past, but occasionally not entirely thoughtful behavior has still crept up.

When she calmed down after the fact a week and a half ago, she told herself she was being irrational. However she’s currently troubled about this all over again in a way she can’t let go of now that her mom has played to those same fears and given them life. She can’t shake it so easily anymore when someone is seconding that notion and even standing up as a cautionary tale.

The problem is Robin knows herself and she knows she’s long had a tendency to listen to her head over her heart, to follow the security of logic over feeling – that’s what her mother taught her all those years ago. And there’s a part of her that still fears what logic dictates: that the two of them getting married doesn’t make any sense and therefore no matter what she feels or how much they love each other the idea of forever between them may be infeasible or downright impossible.

That small part of her that fears the fact that a marriage to Barney goes against logic and worries it might consequently fail tends toward the paranoid. That paranoia took over the day in the park that jumpstarted it all; it happened when James announced his impending divorce; it happened when Barney ran off without consulting her on a “lone wolf” No Questions Asked; and it happened again when she thought he was getting arrested at a mistaken laser tag rehearsal dinner. Her paranoid, logic-following mind keeps going back to the idea that something this good can’t last, that there has to be a catch in it somewhere – and especially with two dysfunctional people like them. So with every tiny issue that comes up, the fear will creep in: is this when it’s going to happen? Is this what will take them down?

And now her mother has reinforced those fears, and in doing so left the distinct message that Robin wasn’t just being paranoid but is absolutely right to have these concerns. Her mom ignored them and Robin bore witness to what followed. Now it’s left her all jumbled and frightened and confused, more so now than ever before.

Genevieve can see how unsettled Robin still is, and she wasn’t lying about making enormous strides since her daughter last saw her years ago. She is now aware that she wasn’t the best mother to her. From age ten to fourteen she was scarcely in her life at all, until her ex-husband proclaimed his developing teen ‘dead to him’ and sent the girl to live with her. And even then she was too self-involved to be the kind of mom Robin needed. She let her own issues cloud her judgment. Thankfully Katie was just a child and escaped the worst of the venting and poor advice, but even though Robin was ten years older she was still only a teenager herself. She never should have put all that baggage on Robin and negatively colored her views on love, and she knows she needs to set her straight now. Not all men will leave and betray you, and not all relationships are doomed.

“You know for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad there’s a marriage like those two in there,” Genevieve tells her and Robin listens intently, clinging in her apprehension to any piece of tangible motherly advice and wisdom. “Marriage is terrifying. It’s like flying. You’re filled with this mortal dread but if you find someone you feel safe with it’s like….flying. If you’ve got someone you feel is really there for you, someone you can depend on, you’re gonna be fine,” her mom advises, putting her arm around her.

The key words Robin’s paranoia pulls from that are ‘safe’, ‘dependable’, and never-fail ‘there for you’ and it conjures up an image in her mind of someone conventional and rock-solid and tame and benign so he can never, ever hurt you. And when her mother goes on to ask her, “Do you have someone like that?”, she really ponders that question.

Is Barney those things? Is he there for her? In some sick way her mind goes right back to that day in Central Park. She was already worried that morning and started to really freak out when she couldn’t find her locket. She called him. She needed him. She wanted him. It was the first call she made. Maybe it isn’t fair, but on some level it was a subconscious test for him: would he come through for her? And he didn’t. He didn’t find her locket. He didn’t even come to the park at all. And he’s barely mentioned it since.

……But Ted was there.

Ted was there and not Barney.

Oh god.

Cold gnawing dread fills her until Robin actually feels sick inside, feels like she might literally throw up over the balcony. Is all of this some kind of sign telling her she has to be with Ted? That she should be with him instead? Because he’s safe and dependable and he was there for her that day in the park and he in fact has a long history of staunchly, fixatedly chasing after her with blue French horns and unwavering determination to have her, and he just all but told her he’s still in love with her this morning. Ted’s always going to be there, like the sun rising in the morning. She didn’t want him to be there. She’s vocally asked him not to be there. It’s actually borderlined on creepy and disturbing the way he’s consumed with sometimes quite inappropriately being there. But even while she’s engaged to another man, he still single-mindedly shows up.

According to her mother – and let’s face it, most of the world – that’s the sort of thing she should be looking for in her partner, and that’s the only sort of thing that qualifies as “husband material”.

She loves Barney insanely. There is absolutely no doubt of that. She’s in love with Barney and she’s not in love with Ted. That isn’t even a question. She hasn’t loved Ted for years – and she never loved him the way she loves Barney.

She loves Barney and she’s so happy with him. Her feelings aren’t in question at all. She’s always felt more fun, more alive, more exhilarated, more at home, more contented and at peace, and more herself whenever she’s around him. The two of them being together in a real and lasting relationship, marrying him, that’s all she’s ever wanted.

But what if convention, and logic, and her mom, and even the universe through her missing locket, what if they all think she should be with a guy like Ted – or Ted himself – instead?

Could they all be wrong? Or is she just too blinded by love that it’s making her use poor judgment in marrying Barney?

……But NO.

She shakes herself out of it and inwardly repeats ‘No, no, no’, like it’s her mantra.

She loves Barney. And she knows him. They’ve been living together for five months now and loving each other for years. Barney’s never been perfect and never will be. He’ll never be a Marshall. But she can depend on him when it really counts. She’s gonna be fine. They’re gonna be fine. Her heart tells logic and fear to shut up.

“I do,” Robin confirms, forcing a troubled smile. “I do have someone like that. Barney, he’s….he’s not like Dad. And he’s gonna be there for me. He will,” she expresses as much in an effort to emphasize it in her own mind as her mother’s. “He loves me, and he will…..Do you know he actually got Dad to apologize to me?”

Genevieve’s expression transforms into shock. “Your father apologized for something?”

“I know. Hard to believe, isn’t it? He even made that woman he accidentally shot while out moose hunting apologize to him for getting in the way of his bullet and losing him the kill. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ to me was the first time in my life I’d ever seen him apologize to anyone. And Barney made that happen.” Robin smiles again, a genuine one this time. “He’ll be there.” She nods reassuringly. “It’s – it’s….safe to depend on him.”

“Of course it is, dear,” her mother agrees, squeezing her shoulder encouragingly. Glancing back inside, she sees that Lily and Marshall have gone still on the bed. “Oh I think they’re done. It shouldn’t be long now.”

Sure enough, within the next two minutes Lily comes and opens the door, letting them back into the room.

“Sorry,” Marshall sheepishly imparts. “We didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“Thank god you finish fast,” Barney declares, bursting back through the door to the hallway. “I was tired of waited outside my own room.” He walks over to Robin and Genevieve, giving his future mother-in-law an apologetic look while tsking his disappointment at Marshall and Lily, who’s still straightening her shirt. “I promise they’re not usually like this,” he excuses them.

“Oh please,” Lily scoffs. “You two are a million times worse. You’ll go at each other the minute anyone closes the door. Need I get into the time you guys had sex in front of my infant son?” Realizing she’s saying all this while Robin’s mom is still in the room, Lily quickly covers, “I mean, they – they read him a book.”

Genevieve just gives her daughter and her soon-to-be husband an amused and knowing look, clearly not buying it, as Barney slips his arm around Robin’s waist.

“We have to get over to the church soon,” Robin tells him. “The hairstylist texted me earlier that she’s running late, but she’ll be there by three.”

“That’s in five minutes,” her mom points out.

Barney can see that’s started to make Robin flustered and stressed. “Okay. That’s okay,” he jumps in. “It’s just across the street. We’ll get you there in time.”

“Okay,” Robin nods to him appreciatively.

“And in between while all you girls are getting ready, maybe I can keep your mom company and get a chance to know her better.”

“That’d be great, Barney,” she smiles up at him.

“I’d like that very much,” Genevieve seconds.

“Alright. It’s all set then……Let’s go get married,” he whispers affectionately.

“Let’s go get married,” Robin echoes as Barney leans down to kiss her. And her hand softly plays at his lapel as she kisses him back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN #1: It’s somewhat difficult to write the Ted aspect of it without gagging in light of that AU finale. Unless I’m suddenly struck with amnesia or put into a time machine (like the characters all were in that 2006 script!) I’m always going to know what Carter put in there.

However it’s important to me to write the show as I see it, and this is how I see it in this particular episode but also as a key part of the culmination of Robin’s larger arc and series-long struggle between what she actually feels and wants and what she thinks she’s supposed to want and feel. And just to be clear, what I see in the writing, directing, and acting of the show (not just in this episode but in the entire canon series from 1.01-9.22) is NOTHING pro Ted/Robin at all and ALL pro Barney/Robin. This is just that one last inner struggle Robin has to overcome to finally let herself be happy once and for all. It’s much like when you get food poisoning and have to violently throw up (as ugly as it is) to get that poison out of your system and be healthy and happy from there on out.

If anything her wedding freak-out highlights how messed up the concept of Robin with Ted was and is because it’s all based on fear, and taking the easy way, and settling, and doing what she thinks convention dictates rather than following her heart and what she’s really drawn to and really wants and who she really loves. It’s built right into the canon of the show that the only way Robin would ever be with Ted is if she was going to just give up, suppress her true feelings and true self, and settle.

----------------------------------------------------------------

AN #2: I went through all my notes, outlines, and written scenes for the future and I realized that my original estimate of 1-2 chapters showing Barney and Robin’s marriage and future years together was far too conservative. If I lump it all in even into two parts they would end up being crazy long chapters.

Consequently, I’ve decided it will be better (and faster to get it posted and updated) if I break it all up into smaller segments according to the time period and the size/length of material I have for that time period.

Right now I’m estimating 9 future chapters, plus an epilogue, for a total of 10 more updates after 9.22’s chapter. I’m planning to break it up into a chapter each for 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018; 2019-2020 will be together; 2021 will have its own chapter; 2022-2029 will be together; 2030 will have its own chapter; then finally an epilogue set in 2050.

I’m very anxious to get to my next AU story too (and I keep adding new ideas to it!) but I do think it’s important to finish up this canon story first because it’s been my baby for years now. However I also don’t want to rush it through to a finish just to start the next one, so if it ends up taking too long I may start posting the other story at the same time.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.19

2014-04-21T23:32:14Z

Previous Chapters

Vesuvius

Barney’s appointment with Tim Gunn back at his beachfront studio does not go as planned.

It begins with the inevitable chit-chat about having just seen each other a few hours earlier that morning when Tim was suiting up the boys Barney met, but all Barney is interested in is his suit. This will be the first time he’s tried on the finished product and he can’t wait to see how he looks in it.

He put everything into making this the finest suit imaginable. Of course he had to have something brand new for their wedding but he also wanted to be sure he looks incredible for Robin, so he took it a step further and ordered a suit that’s completely custom tailored and made especially for him and especially for this occasion.

“It looks amazing on the hanger, T Gunn. It can only improve by slipping this hot body into it, am I right?” he jokes as he walks into the fitting room.

It’s somewhere around stepping into one leg and then the other that he realizes the enormity of what he’s doing. He’s wedding suiting up. He’s about to get married in this very suit in six and a half hours.

Barney feels the nerves start to kick in and he has to tamp them down. But those thoughts are quickly overshadowed when he next shrugs on the suit jacket. It inexplicably feels ill-fitting, itchy, and uncomfortable, not all what he’d expect of a designer of this caliber.

“Something’s not right here,” he says, opening the curtain and stepping back into the main room. “Are you sure this is my suit? Cause it doesn’t seem to be fitting right at all.”

Tim Gunn turns around to look at him and actually gasps.

“I know, right?” Barney expresses in a panic.

But the famed fashion consultant says the last thing Barney expected: “It’s perfect!”

“What?” Barney questions in surprise, going over to the mirror to see for himself because he hardly believes that can be true.

And, indeed, when he looks in the mirror what he sees is just what he anticipated. The suit not only feels off; it looks off too. In the mirror he sees himself, a grown man, but he looks like a little boy wearing his dad’s jacket. “Don’t you see something’s not right?” He lifts his arm and along with it the drooping sleeve of the jacket. “I mean, Tim. Really.”

“Barney, what are you talking about?” he asks, admiring the gorgeous suit that makes the man in it look even more gorgeous. “It’s to die for.”

Barney makes a skeptical sound in the back of his throat. “Tim. Bro. We all have our off days. It’s okay to admit it.”

“I’ll admit no such thing. This suit is an exquisite work of art.”

Barney can tell from his tone that he means it and he turns back to the mirror again, thinking he might see something different, see whatever it is Tim Gunn claims to be seeing, but it’s no use. “I – I can’t wear this. I’ll look ridiculous.”

Hurrying back into the dressing room, Barney puts his old suit back on and hangs the new one up. “Here,” he says, handing it back. “It’s all right; no hard feelings.”

“No, there aren’t,” Tim agrees haughtily. “You’re obviously going through a…..thing,” he says, waving a hand over him, “that accounts for your reaction. But take the suit with you, Barney. It’s everything you wanted and it fits you perfectly. Try it on again later this afternoon. You’ll see.”

Sighing, Barney takes the suit just to humor his old friend. But he’s heading straight back to the hotel and up to Room 9. It’s a good thing he had his entire supply of Dolce & Gabbana suits shipped in for just such an emergency as this.

****

Back at the hotel, Katie had surprised her with hockey gear and matching ‘Scherbatsky’ jerseys, the perfect gift as far as Robin is concerned. They quickly changed, moved some furniture aside, and are now in a heated one-on-one match in the honeymoon suite.

Lily, naturally, doesn’t approve but Robin tries to explain this is just how she relaxes. It’s how she’s attempting to feel a bit of normalcy, like it’s any other day, which is exactly what she needs right now.

After her parents’ ugly divorce and her mother’s move, there was a brief spell where her father had a Swedish immigrant, Lovisa, employed at the house whose duty was to see to her day-to-day needs until her dad could make sure she was fully self-sufficient by the tender age of eleven. On the day her father set to begin her first hockey lesson, Robin was excited since she loved the game but she was also worried that she wouldn’t be good enough at it to please him and make him proud. Her desire to play was quickly overpowered by her fear and she wanted to stay in bed and pretend she was sick, until Lovisa taught her on an old Swedish word: resfeber. While it has no direct English equivalent she told her it roughly translates to “the restless race of the heart before a journey begins, when anticipation and anxiety are tangled together”. That was a lot for a ten year old to understand, even one as sharp and clever as Robin had been, so Lovisa simplified it down to “that nervous feeling you get before undertaking any new journey”, and the kindhearted woman patiently explained to her that a new journey didn’t have to mean physically going somewhere. A journey could mean attending a new school, or starting a new job, or in her case a new hobby or sport.

Right now it means entering into the world of married life, becoming a married woman – and ‘resferber’ is exactly how Robin feels about it. She’s excited and she wants this more than anything; she has no doubt whatsoever of that. But at the same time such a huge life step is scary, and for a woman who spent much of her adult life running scared from commitment anyway it’s sure to cause a feeling of at least some apprehension.

And it’s all so real now with the wedding just six hours away. It’s starting to freak her out a little for all the reasons that marriage has always freaked her out. This is a big leap to take, and even more so for people like her and Barney.

……Then there’s the fact that she never found her locket and the potential bad omen attached to that. And while she has her dad and Katie here with her, her mom’s not coming to the wedding. That certainly isn’t how she wanted things. Maybe that’s a sign too?

So Robin’s strategy is if she simply acts like it’s any other day and doesn’t let herself think about it then she can control the fear and head off the freak-out.

Lily on the other hand wants to keep reminding her that she’s getting married today and expects her to act accordingly. In that spirit, Lily shows her the scrapbook she made, hoping that will do the trick.

Barney & Robin: Lovers Forever and Ever and Ever, A Love Story.

Katie calls it cheesy – and it’s musical and everything, which isn’t exactly doing much to detract from the claim. The truth is it’s so not Robin’s style, or Barney’s style, or their style as a couple to make a musical scrapbook, and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Moreover, at this particular moment it’s all a bit overwhelming, so once Katie bails Robin sits down and turns on the TV, pulling up the Pay Per View menu to watch a movie instead. But Lily will have none of it, forcing her to look through the scrapbook.

As Lily begins to flip through it with the bride looking on under duress, Robin can definitely say this much, it is an amazingly comprehensive scrapbook. There are dozens of pictures of her and Barney over the years – some when they were just friends, some when they were together, some after they broke up and were back to being the best of friends again, and some since they’ve been engaged.

There’s a picture of the evening they were all at MacLaren’s and Ted introduced them to his girlfriend of the moment whose name no one can remember. Like many of the others she was totally crazy and insisted on lying about how they met playing World of Warcraft. Blah Blah, as they’ve since taken to calling her, eventually stormed out but not before mistaking her and Barney for a couple. Robin was so freaked at the notion, paranoid that her attraction to Barney was a little too apparent, that she denied it sixteen times. This picture was snapped later that night, after it was just her and Barney and Marshall and Lily, when Barney kept bringing up her over-the-top denial, vacillating between offense and accusing her of “protesting too much”.

Next there’s a picture of her and Barney with Marshall off to the side on the night when Ted was on the last of his Ten Sessions Challenge, when he ended up taking all of Stella’s friends out to a movie. It was just the four of them back at the apartment eating popcorn and watching a movie they’d all already seen. Even though there were two other empty chairs she chose to sit on the floor close beside Barney, leaning against his legs, and Lily grabbed the camera from her purse and took a quick picture of them to remember the night.

Then there’s the photo Robin made Ted take on the way to teepee laser tag of her and Barney in their rave clothes after they’d tried to complete the Murtaugh list. Barney’s hair was as bright pink as her skirt and she too had a neon green extension braided into her hair. He was wearing a lime green tank top with a black mesh overlay, she was sporting huge green fake eyelashes, and they each had glow sticks round their necks. Both of them looked completely ridiculous but that didn’t stop the night from being so much fun – even after Barney re-aggravated his back injury by grinding with her all night.

Next is a picture Barney took of the two of them high-fiving the brilliance of their deception while out to brunch after Lily finally let them out of Robin’s old bedroom. Then comes the picture of her and Barney on the carriage ride in Central Park that he once cropped her out of to protect the secret of their relationship.

There’s a picture of the two of them in bed together that she’d taken and used as her phone’s home screen for weeks on end because they both at least had the sheets pulled up high enough to cover their nudity and they looked so cute and so happy and so in love in that picture that it made her smile every time she checked her phone.

The next page has the picture of all of them in their booth with the 50-year Glen McKenna that Lily and Marshall keep up on the wall of the apartment, the one where she’s snuggled up adorably on Barney’s arm. Then there’s the selfie Barney took of the two of them at laser tag last summer after he begged her to come because “no one else understands the game….or will go with me”.

There’s a super-hot picture from this past New Year’s Eve at McLarens of the two of them making out and Barney has her pressed back against the jukebox. Robin had no idea Lily even took a picture but she recognizes it as only minutes before they snuck into the bathroom to have sex just as the others started counting down into 2013.

There’s a shot she remembers them posing for a few weeks later at their apartment of her showing off the newly resized engagement ring and Barney with one arm around her waist and the other holding up the framed page of “The Robin”.

A group shot with Barney’s arm over her shoulders and her hand on his thigh while they all sit in the ruins of Ted’s apartment with the charred remnants of the exploded Playbook still smoking in the background comes next, and then a picture Lily must have rushed to print just now while she and Katie were playing hockey of her and Barney kissing on ice skates at last night’s rehearsal dinner.

And mixed in along with all the photos are a few of their private mementos like the piece of paper that said “Boyfriend & Girlfriend” from after they’d finally ‘defined the relationship’, and one of their text message conversations that Barney hand-transcribed – not even the one on top of his yellow legal pad from their secret summer but a different one, because when she examined it further Robin discovered that legal pad wasn’t just one text conversation he’d transcribed before deleting it off his phone for fear that Quinn would find it. There were dozens of conversations stretching over years’ worth of time, all the way up until Quinn moved in with him. They filled nearly the entire pad of paper.

Robin recognizes some of these pictures and mementos as having come from Barney’s box that he brought home from the storage locker before they even got back together – as soon as he and Quinn broke up, actually – just as she knows some of them came from her own private collection. At some point before this weekend Lily obviously must have used her key to their apartment to raid their stash of keepsakes, probably gloating all the while at how secretly sentimental they both are.

Robin has to admit it’s touching to see their journey, their love story as Lily puts it, laid out this way, and it’s touching just to remember that Barney kept those things over the years too. This whole scrapbook, cheesy though it may be, is a vivid reminder of their beautiful messy story and how very much they love each other, how much she loves him like crazy just looking at these pictures.

But looking at the scrapbook is getting her all emotional too and making their wedding day seem even more real – and frankly that’s the last thing she wants because it’s scaring the daylights out of her, the enormity of what’s happening in only a matter of hours. Because it has been a long and rocky road, and they love each other like crazy and they both want this but it’s a huge thing they’re doing. For all her anti-marriage talk she believes in the union tremendously, and she knows Barney does too – that’s why he’s been known to cry at weddings, both Marshall and Lily’s wedding and Ted’s mom’s wedding. Robin too never wants to end up a divorcé, is determined she never will, and when push comes to shove would never be able to say “I do” unless she knows for certain that isn’t even a remote possibility. The fact that neither one of them would ever get married lightly makes it even more a big deal, and she still gets scared sometimes wondering if two people like them are truly ready for this.

So when Lily draws her attention to the picture of the restaurant where she and Barney had what they’ve both come to accept was their first real date the night the others “couldn’t make it” and it was just the two of them alone – the next page containing the receipt from that meal – right now Robin just has to get her focus on something else, something completely mindless and relaxing.

And it’s not helping that Lily keeps driving home the once-in-a-lifetime magnitude of it all and imploring her to “appreciate the importance of it right now”.

Looking up at the TV screen, Robin instantly knows that the only thing she can ‘appreciate’ right now is watching The Wedding Bride Too!. It’s just the sort of mindless laugh she needs at the moment – and it genuinely is exciting to get this chance since Ted had banned them all from seeing it in theaters this past fall. Now she can watch it and he won’t be able to say a thing about it because it’s for the bride.

Lily leaves as soon as she turns the movie on, and that’s fine with Robin; it means at least she’ll stop nagging her. When Lily returns a few minutes later with Marshall in tow, it’s refreshing to Robin that he’s just as excited as she is to see the movie.

Watching a film together, drinking scotch, laughing at Ted – this is comfortable, non-frightening, normalcy here, not monumental life altering steps about to be taken. And even through Marshall’s hypocritical yet amusing tirade when Narshall gets introduced – after just saying the whole film was no big deal and Ted should be flattered – it still feels fairly normal and everyday.

Until her grandma comes to the door.

Seeing a picture of her grandparents on their wedding day makes it real again, as does hearing the story one more time of the wildflowers her grandfather personally picked after the florist’s mix-up just to make her feel better and now he’s buried at the same church surrounded by the same wildflowers. Robin pushes her grandmother out the door as politely as she can, mumbling about hearing that story every holiday and it’s not as touching as she thinks it is.

In reality, while she’s not going to cry over it like Lily, it is a touching story. Nevertheless, she can’t think about stuff like that right now. It’s like being in a Broadway play and it’s opening night and you already have stage fright. The last thing you want to do is pull back the curtain and take a peek at the full house crowd. It only makes the nerves even worse.

Which is why all she wants to do is go back to watching the movie. But Lily won’t let her and it spirals into a fight. Lily insists if Robin’s wedding day is nothing special then she’s not going to wear the bridesmaid’s dress anymore. After that it becomes a game of playing chicken.

“Great. It’s just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?” Robin replies, still trying to downplay it.

But she does care very much. She’d spent hours picking out the perfect dresses with Lily – not to mention all the time and care she and Barney put into selecting the perfect food, flowers, music, all of it. However, right now she needs it to not seem like the big deal that it is. So that’s her story and she’s sticking to it.

Yet when Lily leaves again only to return wearing her actual wedding dress, it severely tests Robin’s will. It turns out Lily had hoped to recreate her and Marshall’s awful wedding pictures by secretly borrowing their wedding photographer after Barney and Robin had gone upstairs for their wedding night and therefore would never know. But Robin realizes Lily is only ratting out her plan early to send her into a fit and she won’t give her the satisfaction.

Inwardly, of course, she wants to rage against it. She was going to kill Jeanette over the thought that she might show up to her wedding in a white dress. There is no way in hell she wants Lily actually wearing a freakin’ wedding dress, and she certainly doesn’t want to share their photographer with another couple either. But she lies and says it shouldn’t be a problem. She doesn’t have any other choice. She has to stick to it not being a big deal at all so that no one suspects what a huge deal she actually knows and feels and appreciates that it is.

****

Over in Room 9, which he’d rented out for all of his suits “just in case”, Barney takes momentary pleasure in Ted slowly figuring out his clever wordplay.

Miss Susan Tup. Sue Tup. Suit up!

Man, he’s a genius.

But after that it’s right back to mental anguish as he urgently tries to pick a suit for the wedding. He’s been through the whole room of suits – and the adjoining room too – suits that have served him well and that he looks good in, but none of them will do. Every suit has some kind of inappropriate memory attached to it of sex and debauchery. He knows it’s not right to wear any of them; that’s why he’d commissioned a brand new suit. He already left that life behind, and marriage means forever leaving it behind officially. That’s why none of these are good enough to marry Robin in. He simply cannot find one that feels right despite Ted’s yelling to choose a suit already.

It occurs to him at that point that marines have to get married in uniform. If he goes and enlists that will solve the whole problem for him and he says as much, but Ted stops him.

“Enough of this. Tim made you this amazing suit. Put it on.”

Sighing, Barney agrees to try it on again, but it’s no use and he knows it.

Once he’s got on the suit that was supposed to be “Be-freakin-screamed”, the epitome of class, style, and perfection befitting marrying Robin, he turns to show Ted what a disaster it is. The sleeves are drooping; the jacket obviously doesn’t fit. Why is this even a question? The others should be able to see it doesn’t look right.

As soon as Ted views Barney in the suit and clearly sees that his friend looks like a million bucks, he instantly figures out what the real trouble is. Nerves and jitters have begun to kick in. It’s only natural that it should happen. By this point Marshall was only hours away from crazy enough to shave his head. Certainly Barney is going to have a few hiccups along the way. Trying on his wedding suit must have made it real for him and he’s understandably scared.

“It just feels weird,” Barney reiterates. Daunting, if putting on a suit can be described as daunting. Something about wearing this one certainly is. That’s how he knows Tim got the suit all wrong.

It’s just because it’s new, Ted reasons. It’s never been worn before. It’s a suit he never dreamed he’d wear, and all of this suit’s memories are still ahead of it.

Barney understands what he’s saying. It’s a metaphor and all that. And he gets it; it’s true. But this isn’t wedding jitters. That’s not the issue here. There is just literally a problem with the tailoring of this jacket. He hasn’t gone that crazy.

Ted makes him turn around and look in the mirror anyway. “Picture it. The ceremony.”

“When everyone stands up for me?” Barney asks starry-eyed, still thinking of it as the groom’s big day.

“They do that for her.”

Barney nods and then drops the manic-ness for a moment, actually doing what Ted suggested and picturing the moment when he’s standing at the end of the aisle and Robin begins walking to him, walking to the altar where they’ll be joined forever. Just the thought alone softens and calms him. “They should. She’s gonna look amazing.”

Ted tells him to keep imagining Robin walking down the aisle, the two of them saying their vows, then the reception and their first dance. There’s already a spontaneous smile on Barney’s face picturing all that. They’d spent hours rehearsing this elaborate number to top all of their other wedding dance numbers and fully blow people’s minds. Yet Friday night right before falling asleep they decided that after all the pomp and show-off quality of that first routine, later in the night they’ll have a second ‘first dance’, a simple and traditional slow dance that’s just for the two of them.

He thinks about that now, imagines holding Robin in his arm as his wife. He thinks about their future together, all the years, all the things they have planned and the way they’ve talked excitedly about it lying in bed late at night.

“Before you know it,” Ted orates, “just like magic, you realize it’s a perfect fit.”

And it is. He and Robin are a perfect fit, and as daunting of a concept as a successful marriage can be Barney knows that he and Robin will never get a divorce. That’s why he told Arthur they wouldn’t need a prenup. He trusts her implicitly, unlike with Quinn, but it’s more than just that. A prenup is only necessary if you think there’s a chance you won’t go the distance. But, on the contrary, they’re both unwaveringly, immovably, steadfastly in this forever or they wouldn’t even be doing it to begin with. Marriage is something they’ve both been afraid of, but they’re making an all-in commitment to each other anyway because they believe in their relationship and their love that much. There isn’t anything they can’t conquer together – and this weekend has shown them that over and over again. They can work as a team, make decisions together, always put each other first over everything – career, family, you name it. And perhaps the hardest of all for them, communication, they’ve even proven they can master that, talking to each other about feelings as they arise and the other one was right there, eager to listen and offer support and comfort. He was there for Robin through his mom’s antagonism and discovery of her infertility and through the disappointment of her own mother not coming, and when the sting of his mom reuniting with James’s dad and not his opened up old wounds he was able to freely come to Robin, unburden himself and what was bothering him, and they talked it through together.

They have a perfect give and take, always supporting each other, always able to give the other exactly what they need and inherently put the other’s needs first. There isn’t anything they wouldn’t work through and sacrifice, no mountain they wouldn’t or couldn’t climb, no distance they wouldn’t cross to be together. Because being together is the most important thing.

That’s why they’re getting married, to be together always. That kind of unbreakable love and connection that no one and nothing else could ever compare to, that absolute need to be together, that love they couldn’t stop any more than they could stop breathing, is undeniably the kind of love and marriage that will stand the test of time.

Barney’s smile widens as he looks down into the mirror and sees that he was being that crazy before. Because this suit is a perfect fit.

This suit is amazing.

“You’re right, Ted.” There’s nothing wrong or mismatched or ill-fitting about this marriage suit. It’s what he’s always been meant to be wearing. “This is the one.” This suit. This marriage. This woman. He’s whole life has led up to this. And that’s not frightening; that’s awe inspiring.

Realizing that, he feels a contented calm settle over him once more and he thanks Ted for helping him through his nerves – but now it’s time to moves on to belts. Literally. There honestly is nothing figurative anymore. He’s just going to make damn sure he’s the hottest groom possible for Robin.

****

Fifteen minutes later and still in his wedding suit, Barney comes to join Robin back in their room and see if she approves. He has no idea why Lily’s wearing a wedding dress but he doesn’t care. His only focus is making a beeline to Robin.

Robin reaches for him before he’s even all the way at her side. Having him there immediately calms her nerves. When he’s there with her, when they’re together, everything just feels right. He has a way of making her fears disappear just like that.

She pulls him to her and he leans on the chair, bending down to kiss her as Lily proclaims of their equally blasé attitudes, “You two were made for each other.” Thoroughly agreeing, Barney goes back in for a second, lingering kiss before rising up to smile down at Robin who smiles contently right back.

“I see you’ve been playing hockey,” he whispers playfully, fingering the sleeve of her jersey.

“Canadian wedding day tradition,” Robin explains, still smiling, feeling like nothing could dim her smile now that he’s beside her again.

“You Scherbatskys are singular women,” he tells her flirtatiously. “It’s no wonder I thought about you so much while I was at my fitting.”

“Mm, I missed you too,” she murmurs softly. His mention of the fitting reminds her of just exactly what he’d been doing for the past two hours and she glances down at what she now clearly notices are new clothes. “Is this it?” she asks excitedly. He nods and she gives him a quick onceover. “Oh, I love this suit. You look super-hot,” she adds suggestively.

“Yeah?” Barney grins. “Well I – ”

Lily interrupts any further conversation but Barney keeps his arm around Robin’s shoulder as he stands behind her.

While Lily is now willing to admit that it’s their weekend so it should be their way and preference, she still wants some formal and significant acknowledgement of the weighty circumstances they’re all in because as she puts it, “This is as big moment for all of us. This may be the last time we’re all hanging out together for who knows how long.”

Barney glances down at Robin and the two exchange a look.

Does Lily know about Ted moving? Barney silently questions.

Robin answers back telepathically, Or does she mean Italy?

But I thought Italy was off, Barney responds.

Maybe it’s back on after their fight last night? is Robin’s wordless reply.

They don’t have to speculate for long because in her next breath Lily spills the beans about Chicago. Ted’s angry at first until he reasons it out. Barney already knows, he announces, and Barney nods, looking down to Robin again.

Does Ted know that I know that you know? Barney inaudibly wonders to her.

He must have realized we’d talk about it, right? Robin reasons.

Ted confirms as much a moment later by revealing to the entire room that Robin knows too. In fact they all know.

“Lily’s right,” Ted agrees. “We don’t know the next time that we’ll all be together.”

Barney’s hand on Robin’s shoulder tightens, but it’s that very solemn statement that makes Lily realize that sometimes distraction is the best thing. Why dwell on sad things, or anxiety-inducing things, or anything that’s beyond your control? It’s best to just be happy and enjoy each other’s company in the moment. So she too sits down to watch The Wedding Bride sequel.

Robin proclaims it movie time once again and Barney moves around from behind her, starting to slip in between her chair and Marshall’s to come sit on the floor in front of her. But then a thought occurs to him. “It’s not bad luck for the bride to see the groom in his wedding suit?” he ponders, again getting the wedding traditions and superstitions backwards.

Robin just finds it cute. “No, I think it’s fine,” she assures him sweetly. Smiling, she reaches up to run a hand down his tie, complimenting him on that too. He really does look suave and handsome.

“Thanks,” he beams, feeling a gush of warmth at her flattery. “There was a cornflower blue one I almost went with.” But he’s so happy she’s approved of this choice.

“Oh,” Robin says with a hint of regret. She can just picture how he’d look in that other tie. “That would have brought out your eyes,” she remarks, nodding at the loss but smiling all the same to let him know this tie is okay too even if with the other one his eyes would have looked so amazingly blue – bluer than they already are, which is nearly impossible. But now it gives her something to look forward to seeing him in later.

Barney can see she would have preferred the blue one but he was trying to pack light and didn’t even bring the other tie…..He starts to twitch in nerves again.

Marshall soon saves the day, however, by offering the sufficient distraction of suggesting the groomsmen all go have lunch together so Ted won’t have to watch the movie.

“Oh I appreciate that, Narshall,” Ted ribs, revealing that even though he’d banned the others he himself had already seen it when he was on the plane to Chicago last month to check things out.

“What? So this is gonna be like a thing now?” Marshall asks.

“Yeah it’s gonna be a thing now,” Barney retorts, scarcely containing himself. “Narshall. Right?” he laughs, repeating Narshall as he points and laughs some more.

“Dude,” Ted admonishes, “settle down. Swarley.”

Barney’s grin instantly wipes away, but now Marshall is grinning. “Yeah. Yeah, Swarlize Theron. Take it easy.”

Barney wisely recognizes this is just a preview of the afternoon ahead, maybe even the weeks to come if they’re starting this back up again full-scale. “Man,” he grumbles, heading out the door. “This was supposed to be my special day.”

Robin listens from her chair and laughs gently to herself. Barney always hated it but hearing it again makes her miss calling him that. Originally, she had been a part of egging them on to keep it up. She enjoyed teasing him that way back then; it was the closest to flirting that was allowed at the time.

With the guys now gone, over the next half hour Lily and Robin watch the rest of the movie and Katie even comes back in and starts watching with them. At nearly 2 p.m. just as the end credits begin to roll, Robin gets up to refill her drink but discovers they’re out of ice. Lily offers to make the ice run but Robin opts to go herself and hit up the vending machine on the way back.

It’s out in the hallway on the way to the ice room that Robin sees a familiar figure heading her way and she stops dead in her tracks. This is totally unexpected, not even in her wildest dreams at this point, and she blinks, overcome with emotion – and simply wanting to make sure this is real.

Her mom came.

Her mother hasn’t exactly been the warmest maternal figure, or a steadfast role model, or a go-to person for guidance, tenderness, and an understanding heart. Hell, she often hasn’t even been that good of a parent. But, somehow, she braved it all and came through for her today.

Robin throws down the ice bucket, already crying, and runs into her mother’s arms, hugging her fiercely. She’s unspeakably happy her mom is here, that she came after all. She came for her. It’s so rare in her life to experience a showing of parental love, and this just makes her wedding day complete.

…..And it also makes the enormity of it hit home once and for all.

Her mother hasn’t been on a plane in twenty years, but she did it today. Because this is such a huge moment.

All at once it comes crashing down on Robin, her ‘Holy crap! This is my wedding!’ moment. There’s no downplaying it anymore.

8 Hours and 45 Minutes Later

The reception has been going on for a while now – the toasts, dinner, official dances, cake cutting, and all the formalities over and out of the way. Now it’s just time for some fun.

Barney’s jacket came off about fifteen minutes ago and Robin likes it that way. She can run her hands up and down his arms and feel his biceps through only the softness of his dress shirt – and his forearms through nothing at all since he has his sleeves rolled up. If he lost the tie it would be her second favorite look on him next to completely nude.

While she glides her fingers over him, Barney’s hands settle at her hips as they enjoy this slow song and the nearness it allows. Their other guests are dancing all around them but Barney and Robin are oblivious to anyone else at the moment. They only have eyes for each other, off in their own little world. It’s been that way ever since “Sandcastles” started and she began her walk down the aisle to him.

“So,” Robin says, nudging a little closer as they dance, “I never got a chance to tell you earlier how excited I am that Swarley is back in play. I always thought that was cute,” she tells him impishly.

“Not you too,” Barney cries in mock offense. “How would you like it if I start calling you Roland again?”

“But that’s not cute,” she reasons.

He considers that a second, and she finds the little furrow between his eyebrows the most adorable thing. “Alright then. Sparkles,” he decides mischievously. “How would you like it if I start calling you that?”

She giggles at the lack of merit in his argument. “You have called me that a few times.”

“Yeah, but you don’t hate it.” He spins her around in the dance, drawing her body even closer to his. “I think you secretly like it,” he whispers cheekily.

Robin merely smiles because he has her there. But she’s got his number too. “You don’t hate Swarley either.”

Barney gasps. “What? I – are you kidding? Yes I do.”

“No. You don’t. Not really. You just don’t like being teased.”

He ponders that and realizes she’s right. It’s a stupid name but nothing offensive. He just didn’t like being made to feel the butt of the joke, and Robin was perceptive enough to understand his indignation over it before he even did. Still, he’s Barney Stinson and now fully awesome. It’s been a long journey to get that way and he’d like to be called by his given name, thank you very much.

“Unless it’s a certain kind of teasing,” Robin amends, leaning in close to set her mouth against his jawline. “Swarley….” she breathes hot and drawn out and sexy, licking the shell of his ear. He shivers and his grip on her hips tightens. “See, you like it,” she smiles.

“I like your tongue,” he insists.

“Swarley,” she repeats in an even deeper octave, reaching around and allowing the fingers of one hand to cup and then squeeze his butt cheek.

His hips jerk into hers. “I like your hands too,” he offers by way of explanation, his voice noticeably lower now as well.

Robin grins slyly. “It just proves you could be into it…..Swarley,” she purrs seductively, sliding her hand down his chest and abs now to play naughtily at his belt, enjoying teasing him this way.

“Minx,” Barney murmurs, smiling softly down at her with that look, the one that’s half love and half lust and always makes her melt. “We’ve been married for almost four hours and I haven’t got to touch you yet.”

“You will,” she promises amorously, slipping one finger beneath that belt and into his pants to graze his lower abdomen.

He groans at the exquisite torture of it. “Since we have a reception tent there isn’t even a bathroom stall we can slip into, except inside the hotel….But once I take you inside the hotel we are not coming out until it’s time to catch our plane – and you’ll be naked as soon as the door to our honeymoon suite closes.”

Barney’s expression darkens and Robin feels her blood heating and her heart beating faster at all the things that look promises are soon to come – most of all her. “Can I call you Swarley tonight while we’re having sex?” she can’t resist teasing him again.

“You do and I’ll stop.”

“I doubt that,” she laughs.

His eyebrow shots up. “Are you proposing a challenge?”

They have had challenges like that before, jinx swears and seeing who can make the other cry out first, but not tonight. “No,” she shakes her head. “I’ll only be calling out your name tonight. Again and again,” she enticingly swears.

“Mmm,” he hums flirtatiously, bending down to kiss her with more passion – and tongue – then they probably should be exhibiting in front of friends and family.

When they break apart a few moments later, Robin smiles. “But on the honeymoon, all bets are off.” His features twist into exaggerated pseudo hurt and she laughs delightedly. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” she assures him, wrapping her arms around her husband and pulling him closer until they’re in full body contact.

And now it’s Barney who reaches down to cup her butt and cop a feel.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: Just a note to let people know I’ve decided to finish this story before starting my next one (or posting it anyway, as most of the first chapter is already finished). That’s what I’d planned to do all along, since whatever I’m writing at the moment I go all-in with and I didn’t really want to split focus that way. I was just concerned that after that abomination of a final episode no one would be interested in anything strictly tied to the canon world of 1.01 - 9.22 anymore. But that has thankfully proven not to be the case (and I’m glad, because one bad AU hour written by one man in 2006 shouldn’t discredit an entire show or change our love for it; the story still stands the way all the others wrote it, acted it, and believed in it all these years). And since you guys are all willing to wait, I’d rather put all my focus into finishing this story, particularly because I’m very excited about completing the wedding and future chapters. I’ve worked on those parts a lot and have it all mapped out and several scenes entirely written and I’m anxious to tie it all up neatly before moving on to a new project.

So, please, everyone hang in there. I know with the wedding jitters it’s going to get a little rough for a spell in the upcoming chapters but I promise you everything will work out wonderfully for B/R with lots of feels by the end of it.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.18, Part Two

2014-04-09T19:58:10Z

Robin was so grateful to him that day for bringing her the drink. But now she realizes none of it was Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir because it wasn’t even real. It was all Barney, and he’d done it for each of them so they would believe in themselves again, believe they could do it, believe they could rally. It wasn’t just fake, and it wasn’t to deceive them. Barney gave them the help they needed by restoring their confidence and making them believe again, and she tells the group as much.

“He lied so we’d be okay,” she says tenderly, looking down at her mess of a fiancé, hungover, wet, and in bad shape – and she still loves him so intensely.

“I wish we could help him out the way he helped us,” Ted expresses now that she’s made them all realize the truth. “But the wedding photos are in twenty minutes.”

It’s impossible. That’s what they’re all thinking. “My dad is gonna be so pissed.” She doesn’t even want to think about what she’s going to have to deal with.

“Yep. Barney’s a dead man,” Marshall agrees.

Robin’s eyes grow big. “Weekend at Barney’s”. Of course they could never actually pull it off. It may have been a funny movie but completely illogical in real life.

Barney doesn’t have to know that though. He won’t have to know how angry her dad got or how she had to defuse that wrath on their wedding morning. In his mind it will simply be awesome. “Okay, guys, this is how it’s gonna work…..”

****

So Robin ended up calling in and canceling the wedding photos. That much was unavoidable. And sure enough, come 10 a.m. on the dot insistent pounding sounds from the hallway.

“Robin. Robin Charles! Open up this door.”

Sighing, Robin goes to let her father in and face the inevitable. Pulling open the door, she doesn’t even let him get a head start. “Look, Dad, I know you’re angry, but – ”

“Is Barney here?”

“Yes.” That admission is all it takes for him to barge right past her. “But he’s sleeping.”

“You mean he’s passed out,” her dad says in disgust, eyeing Barney sprawled out over the bed.

“He had a little too much to drink last night,” Robin admits. “But it wasn’t entirely his fault.”

Before she can even process what’s happening her father hauls off and kicks Barney in the crotch. “Dad, stop!” she protests, pulling him away as he’s going in for another kick. “I thought you were going to come to the wedding and be supportive like a regular dad?”

“I am, but do you have any idea how much those pictures cost? How much wasted money your fiancé just cost me? I can’t believe he’d be that irresponsible.”

“Come on, dad. We can get pictures at the lighthouse before the reception.”

“It’s supposed to rain later. That’s why I switched the times.”

“Well if it rains then we’ll just have indoor pictures.”

“Your sister’s here,” he tells her matter-of-factly. “I made sure she showed up on time so she wouldn’t ruin things. Next time maybe you can teach your husband the same manners.”

“Dad.”

“Alright. I’m not saying anything more. I’m just going back to find Carol. Remember, she’s still singing at the reception.”

“Yeah, dad. I know.” How could she forget that as new and nice as they are his love and cooperation still comes with conditions? “Oh hey,” she stops him as she’s walking out the door. “Where’s Katie now?”

“After her very blonde future brother-in-law failed to show up, she went to check in to her room. She said she’d catch up to you later. Something about a surprise. You know I don’t pay attention to that kind of girlish nonsense.”

“Right. I’ll see you later, Dad.”

The door shuts soundly behind him, and with that storm now passed Robin takes a deep, calming breath. She’s been up all night, in a night that’s been stressful in more ways than she cares to think about. But it’s still just after ten. She has some time.

Kicking off her shoes, Robin sets the alarm on her phone for half an hour later and lies down beside Barney to take a nap.

****

Forty-five minutes later, Barney wakes up and wonders how he got onto the bed in their room. But he doesn’t have to wonder for long because the moment he turns his head he sees Robin standing over him, freshly showered and blow-dried and wearing a different outfit than last night.

“Good morning,” she says wryly.

“Do I even want to know how I got here?” he asks ruefully.

“I found you three hours ago down the hallway and Marshall and Ted carried you in here.”

It’s coming back to him now – going down to the bar for a drink, ending up outside instead, running into Kyle and Justin, his final teachings, and then trying his damndest to get back to Robin, which apparently ended in him passing out just a few doors down – and he nods, then immediately recognizes the mistake in doing so.

Watching him grimace, Robin hands him the can she has waiting on the nightstand. She should have known all along that Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir was a placebo as she’d never seen him using it himself. When he’s the one suffering the morning after he always starts out with an immediate Red Bull or two, and then a ton of coffee with a teaspoon of bourbon in each cup. That’s his real hangover cure.

After drinking half the Red Bull, Barney’s able to sit up and actually doesn’t feel too terrible. The hours passed out, along with the start of his surefire hangover fixer that Robin – bless her – knows by heart seem to have done him good. “I’m sorry I took off that way,” he tells her when she reaches back down to take the can so he can scoot to the edge of the bed and try getting all the way up. “I didn’t mean for it to be a big deal where people would be out looking for me.”

Robin gives him a gently incredulous look. “You disappeared. Of course we’d go looking for you. Did you think we just wouldn’t care?”

“I didn’t mean to disappear,” Barney frowns, regretful that he’s caused a fuss. He swings his feet over the bed and onto the ground, moving to shrug off his suit coat.

“Here, let me help,” she offers, setting down the can and assisting him in getting off his coat. She immediately sets to work on his tie next. “Where did you go last night anyway?” she asks as she pulls his tie free from his collar.

Barney watches her get up and carefully lay his suit coat and tie out on the footstool to avoid wrinkling – thinking of him even then – and he really doesn’t want to tell her the truth of his night. It’s not that he’d done anything incriminating but it’s bad enough that he unintentionally made her spend the night searching for him. Hearing at least one of the places he’d been while she was out looking is not going to sit well with her and he knows it. But he’s not going to lie to her either, particularly when she’d made such a big deal about it. He loves and respects her too much for that. “Among other places…..I went to the Crab Shed,” he tells her, his tone a mixture of resignation and contrition.

That has Robin spinning back around to face him. “You did what?” She’d been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but he actually went to a strip club, the one place she’d asked him not to go.

“I know it sounds bad, but just hear me out….I was drunk. So drunk I didn’t even know what I was doing.”

“Which is the perfect time to go hang out with a bunch of strippers and get lap dances.”

“That’s not what happened. I wasn’t even thinking about going to a strip club. I only went there because the boys needed to – ”

“What boys?” she interrupts. Ted was with her and Marshall was busy fighting with Lily. Did James take him out for some kind of belated bachelor party shenanigans?

Barney sighs, deciding to start at the beginning. It’s been a rarity in his life when he actually isn’t guilty of wrongdoing, but this is one of those times. With Robin, it’s always one of those times and he needs her to know that. “After I left Ted’s room I ended up wandering down the street. That’s when I happened upon these two young guys. They were kids, fresh out of college, and I just thought here I am on my last night of being single; this is my chance to pass the torch and leave my legacy with these guys, making them into player kings like I’d been.” Robin doesn’t seem impressed but she hasn’t interrupted him again so he goes on. “But they were terrible hopeless cases, not unlike Ted when I first met him. That’s why I took them down the road to the strip club.”

“Wait, you took them there?” So far the story hadn’t been that bad. However, learning the Crab Shed was his idea is a definite check in the ‘bad’ category.

Again, Barney knows a lie would be easier but he’s not going to lie to her about this. “Yes, I did,” he concedes, and she rolls her eyes, looking away from him. “But I was drunk and I just – I thought it would be okay because I wasn’t doing anything wrong. And I didn’t.” He reaches for her hand, waiting until she looks back at him. “Robin, I swear to you. I didn’t take any dances. I didn’t touch any strippers. I didn’t even look at any women. My only concern was trying to teach the boys how to be awesome and…..” He can see in her eyes that she’s softening and he knows this next part isn’t going to help his case but he also knows that full disclosure at this point is best. “….and rewriting parts of the Playbook on napkins to give to them,” he confesses the rest.

“The Playbook too. All my favorite things then.”

“Well they had to have that to be player kings and truly pass along my legacy,” he argues. “The bigger point being I didn’t want those things in my head anymore. I was giving them away, handing them over to someone else.”

“But god, Barney, did you really have to go to a strip club on the morning of our wedding?”

“If you were going to teach someone how to be an expert journalist you’d take them out into the field, wouldn’t you? That’s what I was doing. And I was drunk,” he repeats, perplexed. He’s aware he can hardly offer that as a proper excuse but it does help explain the lapse in judgment. Honestly, he remembers sharing Glen McKenna with the gang after his slap, but everything after that gets hazy in a way that usually doesn’t happen with him. He always retains at least some awareness. “I was so drunk. I can’t even remember how I got that drunk.”

Robin feels a slight pang of guilt at his contrite confusion since she knows she herself is a good deal to blame for continuing to ply him with drinks for the fun of pumping him for information.

“But no matter how drunk I was, nothing happened,” Barney continues. “I wasn’t even thinking about that; I just wanted to teach them. Once I got the boys suited up they wanted to go back to their party so I taught them ‘Have you met Ted?’ to pick up women.”

Robin’s forehead furrows at that and she feels like she’s just catching on to something.

“I had to, you know,” he insists. “It was important. That used to be me and Ted out there and that’s gone now. I’m getting married, and I couldn’t be happier about that,” he promises, squeezing her hand, “but he’s gone now. Ted’s gone and – ” Realizing what he’s saying, what he’s not supposed to be saying because no one else is supposed to know yet, Barney cuts off. “It’s just someone has to carry on the wingman lifestyle since it won’t be us anymore.”

All at once Robin understands what this is now. Barney must know Ted is moving to Chicago.

Once that thought starts rolling the rest quickly connects. That’s what the two of them got into a disagreement about last night right before Marshall showed up. Ted must have finally told him he’s leaving today, and obviously Barney was devastated, just like she knew he would be. Squeezing his hand right back, she sits down on the bed beside him as he tells her the rest.

“By the time I taught them ‘Have you met Ted?’ it was morning and I’d started to sober up a little so I gave them the Playbook napkins and told them they were ready to take care of the game. Then I came home to you,” he says simply, looking her in the eye. “Do you believe me?”

“I believe you,” she nods. She doesn’t even have to think about it. Even before, she didn’t truly believe he’d do anything to cheat or jeopardize their relationship, and now knowing the full story she can see that this was all about him and Ted, and days of old, and leaving an era behind. Still, she has to know one thing for sure. “But why did you leave to begin with?.....Were you having second thoughts about the wedding?”

“No,” he swears, taking her hand in both of his now. “I wasn’t having second thoughts. I wasn’t and I’m not. But I was thinking about what a big deal it is getting married, and I was thinking about me and Ted, and…..I couldn’t sleep.” He hesitates and she can tell whatever he’s about to say next is making him feel vulnerable and exposed. “Robin, the truth is it’s been five months now and I guess I’m so used to you lying there beside me that I couldn’t sleep without you. So I went down to the bar for another drink and then I was going to go get you, but I was too drunk to find the way back to our room and somehow I took a wrong turn and ended up outside. Then I just started walking down the road figuring I’d find the way back inside if I just kept walking. And the whole time I was walking I was thinking about the past and Ted….and that’s when I ran into those boys.”

“And you needed a new protégé to teach how to live one last time,” Robin finishes for him.

“At some point I think I even called one of them Ted,” Barney discloses.

“Well, I can’t say I love that story, but I understand it.” Ted threw them both for a loop last night. “I understand it more than you know.” She smiles at him softly, setting her hand on his thigh. “I did like the part about half naked strippers dancing in front of you and you didn’t even look.”

“I swear I didn’t. I love you so much, I couldn’t even tell you if the carpet matched the drapes.”

“Hmm,” Robin nods. Then after a second laugher comes bubbling out of her, because if you think about Barney’s past and where he’s been that really is a profound indication of love; truthfully, even Marshall would probably at least look.

“What I should have told those boys was what no one ever told me back when I was their age and first starting out in the game: you can choose to be an expert in meaningless sex and legendary times with your bros and that’ll be fun for a while – a lot of fun – but eventually it’s going to grow old. It’s never going to fulfil you in the long-term or make you as happy as finding that one special person and committing to them. I had to realize that the hard way. But learning that lesson,” he reveals, “that is my true legacy, not how to be a player king.”

“Excellent save,” she smiles softly.

“Thanks. But I really do mean it.”

Robin knows he does, and it brings on an attack of conscious of her own. “Listen, as long as we’re talking about last night, I know how you got so drunk. That was my fault, mine and Ted’s.”

“What do you mean?”

“You got to a whole new level of drunkenness, one we’d never seen before, one where you couldn’t even tell a lie if you wanted to. So we asked you a bunch of questions we always wanted to know the answers to,” she tells him mischievously.

Barney’s eyebrows tilt down, wondering what they asked and what he’d said. “So let me get this straight, when I was too drunk to know any better you took advantage of that to grill me for information?”

“Yes….” Robin admits cautiously, not sure if he’s upset. “But don’t tell me you would have passed up the chance to ask some questions if I was Truth Serum Drunk.”

“No. I think it’s awesome,” he grins. “I’m actually quite proud.”

Robin smirks at the compliment.

“But, you know, I would tell you the truth when I’m sober if you really wanted to know something. I told you where I was tonight. I didn’t have to; you probably never would have found out. I don’t need to be Truth Serum Drunk to tell you the truth, Robin....” He pins her with his eyes curiously. “But what exactly did I tell you?”

“You told me what you do for a living,” she slyly informs him. “PLEASE, government man. You’re not a bad guy at all.” She’s surprised to see a hint of real alarm in his eyes at that revelation and it wipes the smile from her face.

“Does Ted know too?”

“Yes, he’s the one who asked.” She’s even more surprised when, hearing that, Barney curses under his breath. “What’s the matter?”

“There’s a reason I didn’t tell you, Robin. It’s not that I wanted to lie to you – in fact I never actually lied to you about it; PLEASE is what I do. But I didn’t want you involved. For your own safety, I didn’t want you knowing too much. And for the good of the raid, the less people who knew the better. The FBI told me not to tell anyone.”

“Relax,” she assures him, rubbing his leg. “We’re not going to spread it around town. And you told me the sting is coming up soon anyway.”

“In the next few months,” he confirms.

“So it’ll all be over soon. It’s okay; it hasn’t ruined anything…..You told us something else too,” she says, sliding her hand further up his thigh. “You never slept with Ted’s mom.”

He sees her grin and his lips spontaneously form one to match. “Why does that make you so happy?”

She shrugs. “More of you just for me?”

“All of me is for you.”

Robin leans in and kisses him and he tastes of Red Bull and still faintly of scotch. Getting up, she retrieves the can from the nightstand and hands it back to him again. “Better drink it all. There’s a second on the table. We’ve got to get ahead of this. We can’t have you hungover at our wedding.”

Barney takes a long swig, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I need to take a shower,” he admits, picking at his same shirt from last night.

“Before you do that, there’s one more thing we have to talk about.” Her tone sounds serious so he looks up at her, giving her his full attention. “I know why you were so upset about bros and passing on your legacy. Ted’s moving to Chicago.”

“I told you that too, huh?”

“No. Ted actually did.” Robin chooses her words carefully, wanting to be honest with Barney but knowing at the same time that the honest truth of what happened is going to upset him. “He told me he’s moving, leaving right after our wedding, and he told me why he’s moving.”

That has Barney up on his feet, eyeing her intently. “What did he say? Did he try something with you?”

She puts her hand on his arm calmingly. “No. Nothing like that. He just said that I was the closest he’s ever come and that at times, recently, he’s thought he might still have feelings for me.” When Barney curses again she finds it important to add, “But he also said he knew it wouldn’t make any difference. He knows I love you, and I told him we’re getting married.” She can see that made it better but the tension is still there across his brow and she wraps both arms around him, pulling him close. “How are we going to deal with this?”

She feels Barney’s arms close around her waist in a much-needed hug.

“We pretend it never happened?”

“Just what I was thinking,” she agrees.

****

Ten minutes later, Barney comes out of the shower to find Robin fixing her makeup in the bathroom mirror. It’s a heartwarmingly familiar domestic scene he’s witnessed at least a hundred times since they got back together, but something about watching her primp this particular time makes him recall what they were supposed to be doing earlier today while he was passed out.

“Robin, I’m sorry,” he says genuinely.

She looks up, meeting his eyes through the mirror – but not before they take a little turn over his bare chest. “What for?”

“I just remembered the wedding pictures were this morning…..What happened?” he asks, not sure he wants to know.

“Oh don’t worry,” Robin smiles. “There’s a whole story about that. We’ll tell you when we get downstairs. I called the others and we’re meeting them for coffee in ten minutes.”

****

Over coffee – Barney’s cup just a little bit spiked for some hair of the dog effect – they tell him all about pulling off a wedding photos “Weekend at Barney’s”, complete with her dad loving him more than ever and requesting the highest of fives.

When Robin sees how happy Barney is she doesn’t regret the lie at all. Of course she’ll have to tell him the truth eventually, but right now he doesn’t need to know. It’s far kinder to him this way.

“And look,” Marshall establishes, “some good came out of all this. Seeing you like that, we all vowed never to get that drunk again.”

Ted joins the vow now too and they all toast their coffee mugs to, “Never again.” Of course time would prove it wasn’t true, but they didn’t know that yet.

“I wasn’t that bad,” Barney maintains after taking a drink. “I mean, I can handle my liquor.”

Marshall laughs right out. “You were a driveling pile of drool and pee – cause you peed yourself a little.”

“I did not,” Barney protests in outrage. Robin doesn’t corroborate or deny. She simply puts her arm around his shoulders supportively. “I’ll have you know that – ”

“At least it wasn’t a deucing this time,” Marshall shoots back.

Barney gasps exaggeratedly. “That was a no questions asked, sir!”

“Yeah, but I didn’t come through. I still owed you and had to sign you out of the hospital last fall to make good, so it doesn’t count. I can ask questions, I can make fun of you for it. Anything I want.”

Before Barney can retort, Robin sees Katie in the lobby and gasps herself. “Oh guys, it’s my sister!” Pushing back her chair, she jumps to her feet. “Come on, Barney,” she says, grabbing his hand eagerly and pulling him up too. “I want to reintroduce you.”

They cross out into the lobby with their arms around each other but the minute Katie sees her sister her eyes light up too and Robin lets go of Barney to hug her. “Katie,” Robin says when they both pull back, “I know it’s been a while. You might not remember, but this is Barney,” she smiles proudly.

“She remembers me,” Barney insists, pulling his soon-to-be sister-in-law into a little hug. “How could anyone forget the Barnacle and his awesome stories?”

“Because all of them were stolen movie plots,” Robin teases him.

“No, I remember him,” Katie verifies to Robin before turning her attention back to Barney. “Hey, Sex Is Fun guy.”

He grins at that, recognizing the Scherbatsky wit. “Yes it is. A whole lot of fun. Especially if you’re doing it right.”

“Barney,” Robin shakes her head good-naturedly.

“Hey, she’s twenty-two now.”

“You’re right,” Robin nods, letting go of the whole big sister thing. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that Katie is fully an adult now and only a few years younger than she was when she moved to New York.

“I’m sure she knows it for herself now, am I right?” Barney says.

“You are,” Katie smirks, “and it is fun.”

“Up top!” he proclaims, getting his first high five from her. “And if you’re anything like your sister then you’ve got an appreciation for – ”

“Barney,” Robin warns, this time seriously, because there’s no way her sister needs to know what she likes in bed.

Barney wisely yields to her hint. “And I’m just going to stop now because I’d like to have all that fun sex again sometime.” Both Scherbatsky women can’t help smiling at that and Barney does too, feeling purely happy in this moment. “Well I’m sure you two ladies have a lot to catch up on….Canada and all that,” he shakes his head.

“Hey, One Quarter,” Robin protests, running a tantalizing hand over his chest. “I thought you respected Canada now?”

“I do, but we tease that which we love. Isn’t that what your hand is all about right now?” he asks playfully, capturing it near his belt and enfolding it in his, using the grip to pull her into a quick kiss. “I’ve got to go for my final suit fitting with Timmy G – and we still have to talk ties.”

“Alright, baby,” Robin smiles. “I’ll see you later.” She kisses him once more before letting him go, watching all the while as he climbs the stairs.

“He’s gonna be an interesting brother-in-law, isn’t he?” Katie asks.

“You have no idea.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: I decided not to include the Argentina flash forward because I’m going to approach the future years all at once now (don't worry, I'm only taking the part from 9.18 because the other half was AU and just didn't make sense with the first half anyway). As I said, I’ve got something planned for almost every year in between 2013 – 2030, and I’m going to do it all in one go in what will amount to probably two or more chapters depending on how long it all gets.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.18, Part One

2014-04-09T19:55:41Z

Previous Chapters

AN: And so I continue. With a mindset first and foremost that nothing after 9.22 (and my definition of that also encompasses the reception) was canon. It still hurts me that they betrayed the characters that way. It hurts me to hear people say they renounce this show and everything in it, because regardless of what the show runners chose to air as a completely nonsensical and non-canon tag scene ending, the HIMYM we’ve seen up until that point and the B/R love story we’ve seen up until that point was a good, solid tale. I don’t think it needs any rewrites from me or anyone else up until the point of 9.22. But after that point I’m going to tell an ending that actually fits the story, wasn't written a decade ago, and actually matches with 9.22 and ALL of the many canon years we’ve seen before it. And whatever I can do to get people beyond that sting of having had the punishment of watching that last episode and back to a place where they can appreciate HIMYM and the B/R story in the series as told from 1.01-9.22 then I’ll feel satisfied and happy. Because I care about these two characters, clearly oh so much more than Carter and Craig ever did. That’s the part that pains me most of all, how they completely ruined them individually, threw away their story and everything that happened between Seasons 3-9, and regressed them overnight in the course of one episode to fit them into their 2006 script. But the good news is we don’t even have to acknowledge that one episode that even they’ve admitted is retcon straight out of 2006 that no longer fits with where the story has gone.

“The End of the Aisle” was the end of the narrative show (which, again, even they admitted), and it ended beautifully. So on with the story…..

Oh, and one last thing. For any of you who missed Barney’s final blog entry (not that I blame you because I unfollowed everything to do with the show and CBS as well) it might get you to the important place of closure and peace that I’ve now achieved. In it, Matt Kuhn a writer for HIMYM whose sole purpose on the show was to write outrageous Barney of the Bro Code and Playbook (and who’s been there since day one) put out some very interesting material. He didn’t even write the romantic side of Barney (though it’s clear through various different blog entries that he approved of B/R) but even he, who was in charge of writing outrageous womanizing Barney of old, according to the blog entry refused to accept that regressive nonsensical ending (like I imagine many, if not ALL, of the other writers who’d been kept in the dark all these years did as well). In the blog he has Barney discontinuing his teachings, much like we saw in 9.17, and dedicating his life to his duties as a married man and banging his hot wife, and if he ever possibly returned to a blog in the future it would be a ‘how to’ on being the most awesome and supportive husband you can be. And he ends it there, refusing to acknowledge anything past the B/R wedding night. Even for the other writers that’s where the canon world they’ve been telling for 9 years ends.

The real story that aired for the past 7 seasons was undeniably B/R all the way - in tone, in plot, in characterization, in a million little moments, in their love story virtually taking over the entire plot of the series - and that remains. We haven’t lost that at all.

So once again, on with the story…..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN #2: This is actually more of a temporary warning. Don’t worry; I haven’t gone mad or gone AU like the show runners. I know the REAL Barney and Robin and will always stay true to their real characters and the REAL canon world of Seasons 3-9 they tried to throw away in that joke of a final episode. Barney and Robin got their happy ending when canon ended in 9.22 at their wedding. This story WILL reflect that and show that.

That being said, at the moment this story is still at episode 9.18 where wedding jitters will be just beginning to take hold. So it won’t be all B/R fluff. We’ll get there. I’ll show the wedding, the reception, and a great deal of the angst-free future (seriously, since the AU “finale” aired I’ve been busy writing up a storm about their REAL future; I’ve got a story or two for virtually every year between the wedding and 2030 and even one beyond). But in the meantime I must also show and address the final (natural and in-character, one last struggle) nerves before the wedding, which means that in some upcoming chapters there will be drama. I know people really need B/R fluff at the moment, but trust me it IS coming (and there is some in this chapter).

Because I can’t give B/R fluff and unadulterated happiness to you just yet I’ve contemplated starting my other AU story right now that’s going to have a much lighter and more serialized tone, but I don’t know if I want to try working on two at once. Let me know what you think…..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rally

“What do you mean Barney’s been missing all night?” Lily queries as she closes the door behind Robin and Ted.

Robin huffs out a sigh, hurrying to explain before Ted starts to; they haven’t got time for one of his long-winded stories. “After you guys left we stayed downstairs for one more drink. That’s when we discovered a whole new level of Barney drunkenness.”

“Truth Serum drunk,” Ted jumps in anyway, “where you can ask him anything and Barney is physically incapable of telling a lie. We even found out what he does for a living!”

Lily’s eyes expand. “Seriously?”

“What?” Marshall demands.

“Now’s not the time guys,” Robin scolds them, choosing to ignore Ted’s whispering to Marshall that he’ll tell him later. “The point is we gave Barney even more to drink,” she admits with downcast eyes, aware that she’s partially to blame for this. “But then we went upstairs too. I went to bed and Barney was supposed to be staying with Ted since it was the night before the wedding, but Ted being Ted went out on the balcony to ogle some girl – ”

“I never actually saw her,” he defends himself. “I was just listening to her.”

“So you were lurking in the shadows?” Lily replies, a smile turning up her lips.

Marshall shakes his head. “You’re not doing yourself any favors, Ted.”

“It doesn’t matter whether he was listening or looking,” Robin pulls them back around to topic. “The point is when Ted left the room Barney did too, and now we have no idea where he went.”

“Meaning Drunk Barney has been unleashed on the city all night,” Lily infers.

“We’ve looked everywhere,” Robin informs them, and she doesn’t miss how her friends all exchange silent glances. “But he always finds his way home. Always. Now that it’s morning I’m sure he’s somewhere back in the hotel, or at least he will be shortly. We’ve just got to spread out and cover all the bases.”

“And be prepared for whatever state we find him in….” Marshall adds.

They’re entirely unaware that at that very moment a quickly fading Barney is making his way onto the elevator. However, in his stupor he hits the wrong bottom and goes up to the third floor instead, narrowly missing the gang as they search the second floor.

After that Robin stops by her room to change into more comfortable shoes in case they need to walk into the city. Then she heads up the stairs to the third floor…..just as Barney realizes his mistake and staggers back into the elevator. He pushes the proper button this time but by then Robin and Ted are already up to the third floor and Marshall and Lily have gone to check in the front lobby and dining room where they’re starting to serve breakfast.

By the time the elevator doors open on the second floor Barney is barely holding it together. He’s trying so hard to get to Robin, but he’s had way too much to drink all night and now he’s dead tired and nearly out of steam. Still, he keeps a careful watch on the numbers on the doors. If he can just make it to Room 16, Robin will be there and he can sleep for a little bit and everything will be alright. The numbers keep decreasing and he knows he’s almost there so he forces his body to keep on walking.

Barney’s almost made it – just a few doors down – when he feels himself begin to fall. He grabs at the wall for stability but all he manages to hit upon is the fire extinguisher which comes along with him. He tumbles forward, tripping over a plant and flying headfirst to the ground, getting his foot tangled in a “Do not disturb” sign on the way down.

After a stunned moment he begins to stir on the floor, trying to get back up, but he can’t get his foot free. It’s all twisted up in the plant and the sign and he can’t seem to manage it. Finally he stops struggling and has the idea to take his shoe off, figuring that will make it easier to remove the sign from around his ankle. But he no sooner has the shoe in his hand than the dizziness engulfs him again, this time accompanied with black spots, and then he’s out like a light.

Meanwhile up on the third floor, after striking out yet again, Ted and Robin head down to the first floor, meeting up with Marshall and Lily who’ve also come up empty handed. At this point Robin and Ted have been walking for hours so Lily suggests Robin just take a minute to rest and have some juice, and she reluctantly agrees. After a fifteen minute break with Lily while Marshall and Ted check the rest of the grounds from the pool cabana to the gazebo, Robin decides it’s time to recheck their rooms again in case Barney’s come back in the time between. Ted volunteers to head up with her while Lily resolves to check the still-closed parts of the first floor like the gym, business center, and spa, reasoning that a few locked doors wouldn’t necessarily stop Barney.

As they board the elevator up to the second floor again it’s already 8 a.m. and Robin has officially been searching for Barney for four hours now. She’s tried and stressed and it’d be really great if he would just turn up already.

Once they get upstairs she and Ted agree to split up as they’ll cover more ground that way and avoid any narrow misses. Ted heads back towards Room 4, his room, while Robin heads the opposite direction toward their room.

And it’s just around the corner from the bridal suite, in front of Room 21, that she sees the loveliest sight in the world: her fiancé passed out cold in a potted plant.

She breathes the heaviest sigh of relief before calling to Ted, “Found him.”

But as it turns out finding Barney was only half the battle because he’s so hungover they can’t get him up at all. She tries talking to him, shaking him, telling him there’s a gas leak, but none of it works. Even the dreaded shoes don’t match his belt lie only produces just a few short groans.

Ted goes to get Marshall and Lily, knowing it’s going to take all four of them to get Barney back to his room with him such deadweight. While Ted’s gone, Robin stays with Barney. First she untangles his leg and then takes the shoe off his hand and puts it back onto his foot, removing the fire extinguisher from his arms before she slides down next to him and gently raises his head, putting it back down on her lap rather than the hard floor.

“I knew you’d come back,” she tells him, running a hand softly through his hair. “You always find your way home…..Mostly in one piece,” she smiles. “But, baby, you’ve got to wake up. We’ve got to be down to the lighthouse in two hours – and you’re gonna need a lot of work before then.”

The others appear around the corner then, and Marshall and Ted manage to carry Barney into his room, tossing him down onto the bed. Robin sees to it that he’s laid down comfortably with all his limbs going in the proper direction, but he certainly is a mess. She can smell the scotch on him, overpowering his normally amazing scent, and there’s a small darker spot on the front of his pants.

“Okay, I think my fiancé peed himself a little.” But that’s alright. Not ideal, and certainly not pretty, but she doesn’t mind. She’s done some pretty disgusting things when drunk herself. Once she threw up all over Marshall’s shoes.

It only takes her a second after that to appreciate what she’s just said and she gets all chocked up realizing the upcoming significant change. “Tomorrow I’m gonna be able to say my husband peed himself a little.” Even now, on no sleep at all and having spent the past few hours searching for him, and with the possibly hopeless task of rousing him anytime soon, the thought nevertheless touches her heart and makes her melt a little inside despite what a mess he is at the moment.

Barney groans again and she immediately bends back down to see to him and try to make him more comfortable, resituating the pillow beneath his head. But it makes one thing clear; right about now it’s time to face facts: he’s nowhere near being ready to wake up, and certainly not ready to be in wedding clothes and over to the lighthouse for family photos in just two hours. Her dad paid for the whole thing and made it known how expensive it was. He may actually kill Barney if the session is ruined and he’s out all that money because of him. It’s a sentiment she communicates to the others as she tries to shake Barney up again.

But even trapping him in a bad photo doesn’t work to get him awake. The picture is terrible and Barney’s still passed out. Robin cradles Barney’s face, one hand cupping his head and the other along his jaw gently nudging his cheek with little slaps, but it doesn’t make any impact at all, and she asks the others desperately, “What do we do?”

Ted points out the irony that the only one who could get Barney back on his feet would be Barney himself, through his Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir. It’s worked magic for all of them at one point or another and would work for Barney too, but only he knows the secret ingredient.

“Well you know what Barney would want us to do,” Ted points out.

Robin instantly knows what he means and rejects it just as quickly. “No!” she says insistently. “We are not doing ‘Weekend at Barney’s’.” They’re going to have traditional wedding pictures just like they’re supposed to, not wedding pictures forever commemorated with the groom passed out. She just wants everything to be smooth and normal and perfect. No one has to know Barney got so drunk and took off last night.

So instead they resolve to have Marshall and Ted gather the other known ingredients to Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir while Robin and Lily find some way to get Barney awake long enough to tell them the secret ingredient. Then they can mix up the drink and get Barney up and at em by the time the photo session rolls around.

That proves easier said than done, however.

First Lily suggests they start simple with fresh ocean air, but that means they have to get Barney outside. They lift him up to a seated position as Robin softly coaxes him, “Come on, baby. Come on, honey”, but they can’t get him up on his feet or support him out onto the balcony. Robin comes up with idea to hoist him onto a room service cart – it worked to carry her into Lily’s room on Friday night, so why not? – which they successfully manage to do. But then it won’t fit out on the balcony and they realize the only way is to take him down the elevator and out the back door instead.

That only leads to further complications when they stop the cart above the stairs while Lily goes for the elevator and Robin, meaning well, runs to get him some water. Left unattended, the cart rolls down the stairs.

He makes it down to the first landing blessedly unharmed, and the cart stops when its front bumps into the wall. That’s where Robin finds him slid off the cart and laying across the landing.

“Oh my god, Barney!” She hurries down to him and discovers he’s okay. There doesn’t seem to be a mark on him, but they wind up needing to drag his limp body up the stairs and back to the room.

And none of that even wakes him up slightly. Robin knows this is bad.

But they have to get him awake long enough to tell her the secret ingredient. She’s not giving up yet. Next she tries her dad’s ways of getting them up for school: dunking Barney’s head in ice water; holding his eyes open and forcing him to watch close-up grizzly attacks; threatening to cut off his tie – the thing that would mean the most to him – in lieu of a doll’s head.

None of it causes so much as the slightest movement, just a soft groan.

“What are we gonna do?” Robin frets from her place on the bed straddling Barney.

Lily glances over and their positioning gives her an idea. “Try offering him sex,” she suggests. “Just the dirtiest thing you can think of that he likes, something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. I know that’s not much with you two, but there’s gotta be something.”

Robin looks at her skeptically. “Offer him sex in his condition? Why would he even be interested?”

“This is Barney we’re talking about,” Lily scoffs. “He’s always interested.”

“You do have a point,” Robin recognizes. “Alright, I guess it’s worth a try.” She gazes down at her fiancée and slips into the role of seductress as best as she can at such a moment. Running her hands over his chest, she bends to whisper enticingly near his ear. “Barney, if you wake up we can mess around. You know that thing you keep wanting to do? Someplace we’re not supposed to….”

That actually penetrates through the fog and gets him to move a little. His eyes never open but he starts to stir on the bed, and Lily scrambles to her feet so she can make a quick exit in the event Barney actually tries to make good on Robin’s proposal. Yet only a few seconds later he’s out again, flopping back down with his leg now bent awkwardly and his head hanging off the mattress.

Sighing, Robin climbs back up to her feet to stand beside Lily, rubbing her forehead to try to stave off the stress headache she feels coming on. “That’s it. We’ve exhausted everything….I’ll just have to call my dad and cancel.”

But Lily reminds her there’s still one thing they haven’t tried: making out with each other. Robin gives her a leveling look; now is not the time for her issues.

“I guess there is one other thing besides that we could try,” Lily contemplates.

“What? Anything.” She’s keen to avoid her father’s displeasure, directed at either her or Barney.

“Show him porn. He loves porn.”

“Lily, I just offered to live porn with him and it didn’t get him up.”

“Exactly. He’s so hungover he can barely function. But maybe you need to ‘get him up’,” Lily emphasizes deliberately, “before he’ll be motivated to stay awake long enough for whatever it is you just offered him.”

Robin mulls that over and it sort of makes sense. Honestly they haven’t got much to lose, so she grabs the remote, pulls up the Pay-per-view menu, and selects the adult film that seems like it would appeal the most to him. They sit him up facing the TV again and Robin holds his eyes open to take in the graphic acts already occurring on screen just a minute in, but his eyes snap shut the moment she lets go. Even the over-the-top moaning doesn’t do a thing to rouse him. Giving up, they shut off the TV and drop him back down onto the bed.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and Robin finally gives in, agreeing to try making out with Lily as a last resort to get Barney awake. And because Barney is Barney a little girl-on-girl action – especially with two girls he knows and one of them being his fiancée – is the only thing that finally does the trick. The second Lily’s and Robin’s lips touch his Barney senses tingle and he gasps, sitting straight up, awake just like that and ready to watch the show. Applauding and looking between them, he repeatedly mumbles for more.

Robin smiles in excitement, relieved that they’ve avoided her dad’s wrath. But with no more kissing, Barney starts to pass out again. She holds him, begging him to, “Stay with us”. They need to find out the secret ingredient.

“Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie. That’s the secret,” he reveals.

That makes no sense. “Baby – ” But his eyes start to close and he falls back down again. “No.” Robin sinks onto the bench beside the bed that Barney is now using as a pillow. Putting her hand up in his hair, she cradles his head and pulls his arm up to rest across her lap.

What he said doesn’t add up, because the drink actually did help them, all of them. There has to be a secret ingredient…..Unless it was just all in their minds, like a placebo effect. “So Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie?” Robin shifts down to sit beside him as the others go on about how Barney just wanted to be a jerk and mess with them, but it doesn’t ring true for her.

“Why did you lie?” Lily interrogates him.

Robin puts her hand behind his neck to support his head as he struggles to answer. “I love you guys,” he eventually manages to get out.

“He loves us?” Lily repeats in awe. But a second later she wants to throw him down the stairs again to reawaken him, until Robin stops them.

She’s done some musing of her own while they were riled up against him. She knows Barney loves them. The others never truly give him the proper credit for the love and loyalty and friendship he’s shown them all, but knowing that herself it’s crystal clear to her what happened and she has to tell them so they all appreciate it too.

Barney wasn’t trying to mess with them. He gave them all that drink when they were each at their lowest. Marshall had freaked out about the bar exam, got wasted, and would have missed the last day of testing and never became a lawyer if it wasn’t for Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir. Lily was depressed over yet another negative pregnancy test, got drunk because she could, and would have missed her fieldtrip and been fired from her teaching job if it wasn’t for Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir. Ted had just got left at the altar and didn’t want to get up off the couch ever again but for Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir. And she herself had been terrified she wasn’t good enough for WWN…..

January 9, 2012

She’s a mess. Robin has long known that. And, fittingly, she’d made a mess of herself the night before.

The pressure was just too much. It had gotten to her and she freaked out and tried to drink her fear away.

Going back on the air again after over a year is a big deal – and this isn’t some fly-by-night outfit like Metro News One or Come on, Get up New York!. This is World Wide News, as big as it gets.

The nerves would have been there regardless, but it only made it a million times worse that at the moment she’s dealing with her fair share of other issues in her life. She recently found out how flawed her body is. There actually is something wrong with her, just like her dad always said. And she’s trying to make this thing with Kevin work. After the way he’d helped her out on New Year’s Eve, leading to this chance to be on camera again, she’d even went as far as beginning to sleep with him now. But it’s awkward and uncomfortable and she can’t shake the knowledge deep down that it just doesn’t feel right.

Everything is just a mess and she feels like a mess, more inadequate than ever before. Her emotions are all over the place and she can’t even seem to get her life together. How in the world is she supposed to make a go of it at WWN?

So she started with one scotch last night to ease the nerves – and then another and another, until she woke up this morning with the world’s worst hangover. Now she’s supposed to be at WWN headquarters to be briefed on her assignment and then out into the field in just three hours. With the throbbing pain in her head and her sick stomach, there’s no way that’s happening. It’s impossible. Any way you look at it, it’s impossible. She’ll just call in sick….and stay in the reliable, comfortable, risk-free research department for the rest of her career.

Her future thus decided, Robin burrows down into the couch, burying her head between the pillows, when the door to the apartment comes flying open hard enough to hit the bookcase. “Ugh, Ted! I thought you were going to be gone all day.” Something about some new milestone with his building he had to go scrapbook. “If you’re gonna be here you’ve gotta at least keep it down. My head is killing me.”

“It’s already done the job, by the looks of you,” Barney quips from the doorway.

“Barney?” His voice has her sitting up for the first time all morning – and she hates herself for the way she unconsciously runs a tidying hand over her hair. “What are you doing here?” Then her mind goes back to last week’s party when he and Ted turned the apartment into Puzzles for the night, and she heaves a heavy sigh. She’s heard plenty of stories of what Barney was up to that night. “If you’re looking for your cufflink again, forget it. Maybe next time don’t have sex in Ted’s room and these things wouldn’t happen.”

Barney smiles, balancing the sack of groceries he’s carrying into one arm so he can close the door behind him. “That’s not why I came. I already found the missing cufflink under Ted’s bed a few days ago. And I didn’t have sex with that woman, at least not if you go by Clinton definitions,” he winks. “My cufflink just got caught in her hair when – ”

“Ew, gross,” Robin stops him. “I don’t want to hear any more. In case you can’t tell, I’m not feeling well today.”

“Not feeling well?” He sets the bag down on the counter and leans against the kitchen doorway casually. “Is that your new phrase for getting drunk off your ass and feeling like death warmed over the next morning?”

“Shut up. It’s not that bad.”

“If this were a few years ago you’d be giggling through that answer.” Robin frowns but doesn’t argue and he continues. “You forget, I was there last night, so I know exactly how bad you feel this morning.”

“Then you also know I’m really not in the mood to hear stories about your conquests.” On the day when she’s already about to give up a chance at her dream job the last thing she needs is Barney making it worse by giving a vivid account of how happy he is to be single and free – the silent implication being what a tremendous bullet he dogged with her back in the fall.

“I came because you need to be at World Wide News in the next few hours looking like the professional journalist you are,” Barney corrects her. “I’m here to make that happen.”

Robin shakes her head, grimacing at the accompanying pain. “I’m not going. I already decided.”

“Of course you’re going.” He knew she’d tried to back out. That’s precisely why he came. And once he heard from Ted that he was his the way to the GNB site, meaning Robin was all alone, he knew he had to get here as soon as possible because with no one there to stop her she’d spiral fast.

“I’m in no shape to go on the air, Barney. You said yourself how awful I look.”

Robin has on blue and white plaid pajama pants and a red tank top – no bra, he can tell – with her hair pulled back into a low, messy bun. She’s obviously not ready for a live broadcast, but he actually thinks she looks rather cute, soft and comfortable and bra-less….He shakes himself out of it, getting his mind back on track.

Coming to sit down next to her, Barney refrains from screaming in her ear to intensify her headache the way he’d once done to Ted. Instead he softly tells her, “You don’t look awful, Robin. I was just messing with you before. Anyone who didn’t know you well wouldn’t even be able to tell you’re hungover. You’re still prettier than most women who are trying their hardest.”

His compliment eases her suffering more than it should. However it doesn’t change the fundamental facts – physical or otherwise – for why she can’t go through with this today. “Even if I look fine, I feel awful. I’ll never make it through a segment feeling like this. It’s no use.”

“Yes, you will,” Barney proclaims in the triumphant tone he reserves for launching into fantastic tales. “Because I brought everything I need to make you Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir.”

“What is that?” Robin questions cautiously.

He gasps in outrage. “You mean you haven’t heard from the others? Ungrateful bastards,” he heckles and it actually brings a smile to her lips. “Marshall, Lily, and Ted have all experienced its healing powers.”

“But what is it?”

“It’s a secret family recipes for curing hangovers in no time at all – and I think you know enough about my family to recognize we’re experts on the subject,” Barney wryly informs her.

“So you learned it from your mom?”

Choosing to ignore that he continues, “It came from my distant relative, Bernert Stinsonheimer. He invented it in 1941 during the Two Many Manhattans Project and the secret formula has been passed down in my family ever since.”

Robin has to smile at that too because the story is so obviously Barney. Of course it’s also obviously a complete lie. She just wonders if it’s one he’s aware he’s telling or if it’s another of his mother’s tall tales that he’s actually bought into himself. “So how did he discover this secret formula?” she asks even though she knows she’s playing right into his madness. But she doesn’t care. She’s having a bad day and she’s always enjoyed Barney’s stories.

“Through trial and error, and a few laboratory explosions,” he resumes theatrically, “Dr. Stinsonheimer was conclusively able to find the perfect medicinal combination of banana, ginger, Tantrum soda, crushed Funyuns, and one other secret ingredient. It’s a miracle cure. Back in his day he even won the Bro-bel Prize.”

“Mm-hmm. That sounds real.” He’s obviously full of it but the thing is, even when Barney’s full of it there’s usually a grain of truth in there somewhere. Maybe his drink will actually work, especially if it already had proved to be real for the rest of the gang. “Okay. What have I got to lose? Make me a Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir.”

“Alright!” Barney exclaims, jumping up. When he sees her face screw up in pain, he lowers his tone. “Sorry. Alright,” he whispers, walking into the kitchen. “You can come watch me make it if you want. When I get to the secret ingredient you can just turn the other way. But I warn you, there is a blender involved.”

She groans at the thought. “No thank you.”

That’s exactly the reaction he wanted since there is no secret ingredient, and Robin’s too smart; if she were watching him closely she’d easily figure it out.

Five minutes later he comes walking back into the living room with a glass full of a bright green concoction with a thick foamy head. Looking at it, her reservations grow. She has the worst headache and she already feels like she’s going to throw up. She’ll never be able to get that down.

Barney sits beside her and offers her the drink while Robin tries to force her nausea down. But the truth is it doesn’t matter; she’s already given up in her mind. She’ll stay in research forever. That’s as far as she’s ever meant to go. “Uch, no.” She pushes the glass away. “I can’t do it.” And she means so much more than just drink the liquid.

“Yes, you can,” Barney assures her with such gentle patience. “Your first day back live on the air is going to be legen – wait for it – dary!” he promises her, tapping her shoulder to get her attention off of covering her mouth and wallowing. “Legendary! You’ll be legendary, Robin.”

“No, I won’t. I can’t do this. I can’t do it, Barney,” she admits with real vulnerability in her voice now. “I can’t be on air again. It’s been too long. I know it’s just some small location pieces, nothing monumental – not like being an anchor – but this is World Wide News. I’m…..I’m not good enough. I’m not fooling myself; all my life I’ve never been good enough. I could never please either one of my parents, and I’ve tried everything to make my dad proud.”

Barney looks at her softly with a warm, half-smile. “We’ve been over that. Your dad is an idiot.” He wishes that just once she could see herself the way the rest of the world sees her.

Robin shakes her head sadly. “It’s not just my dad. I’ve always been a joke; I know that. I wasn’t thinking before. That’s why I could do it on New Year’s Eve. It was spur of the moment and I had no other choice.”

“That just goes to show how great you are without even trying. You’re not a joke,” he tells her sincerely. “No one’s ever thought that but you. And you’re wrong. Metro News One and Come on, Get up New York! may not have been the major leagues, but look at all the fan mail you got even when your viewership was small. That’s because you connect with people. They feel a connection to you, and that’s something only the very best broadcasters have. I’ve always believed in you, Robin. You have real talent. And not just in bed,” he adds with a smirk.

Even at a moment like this, her heart flutters at his mild flirtation and she can’t help thinking that he really means it – and clinging to that fact.

“And if all that isn’t enough, you have Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir,” he reminds her, holding out the cup once more. “It’ll get you back up on your feet and winning broadcasting awards in no time.”

She takes it from him now and brings it up to her lips, trying an experimental sip, and it’s not nearly as bad as she thought it would be. It tastes mostly like bananas and citrus from the Tantrum.

“Well?” Barney asks.

“Too soon to tell.” But she keeps drinking it.

“You’ll start to feel it any moment now.”

Robin takes another long drink….and her headache is a bit lessoned. “You know, I do feel a little better.”

“Sure you do.”

Her stomach doesn’t feel as sick anymore either. In fact she feels like she might actually be able to make it in time to do the segment after all. “I think this is really working,” she says in surprise.

“Stinsonheimer didn’t win a Bro-bel Prize for nothing. Just keep drinking it,” he encourages her. “By the time you finish the whole glass it will be like last night never even happened.”

Robin drinks some more and even at just halfway through she has to pause to marvel at it. “Barney, this stuff is amazing. I feel a million times better, and I’m not just saying that.”

“Told ya.”

She smiles. “You have to tell me the secret ingredient.”

“It’s a Stinson family secret, and last I checked you were a Scherbatsky.”

“Oh come on,” she complains. “You told me most of the ingredients in your story. Just tell me the secret one.”

It feels impossibly good being close to her this way again, being able to banter with her. God, he loves her so much. And right now he loves that he’s made her feel better and she’ll be up and able to go to the job she’s deserved all her life. “Ha!” he teases her because it feels too good not to and he simply can’t resist; he’s missed this. “I’ll never tell you. I’ll take it with me to my grave,” he declares, raising an eyebrow playfully.

Robin gives him a look, smiling and shaking her head. In that moment she feels how much he means to her and she knows that no one else will ever compare.

“You’ll never get the secret out of me, despite your feminine wiles,” Barney teases again.

And her heart inconveniently skips another little beat as she feels a flush flood over her body. “I didn’t know those were in play,” she quips back.

“Those are always in play,” he assures her, and she laughs.

She tries not to keep thinking of him as anything other than a friend, tries not to keep wanting him….and loving him. It would be so much easier if they hadn’t had sex just two months ago – phenomenal sex, sex with a connection like nothing else she’s ever experienced before…..

But she can’t think about that. Because what they did was wrong. They cheated on two people. And she chose Kevin. Not that it matters anyway; Barney doesn’t love her. He’s attracted to her sometimes and they’ve always been the best of friends, but she gave him the chance and he didn’t have any feelings to express. The most he could offer her was to “talk about us”. Meanwhile Kevin loves her, and he’s the kind of guy who will never give her any cause to doubt him. He’s the kind of guy who gives flowery speeches, the kind who would steal a blue French horn. And that’s the kind of a guy you’re supposed to be with; everyone says that. That’s a good, safe, solid bet.

Yet that doesn’t change the fact that Barney was sweet and thoughtful and caring to come over here and get her back up on her feet this way, seeing to it that she doesn’t miss her big break. It’s easy to love a man like that and hard to make it stop, even when there are hundreds of reasons why it’s dangerous to feel that way.

So she silently finishes the green drink, and he’s right; it’s as if last night never happened. Her stomach is hardly even sick anymore and her head’s just a little sore. Nothing a quick aspirin on the way to work won’t take care of. “Well, I guess I can go get ready now,” she smiles, standing up from the couch. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the bar?”

Barney stands up too, but looks at her like she’s grown a second head. “Uh, I’m not leaving until I see you dressed and into the car I have waiting downstairs, where I’m then going to personally escort you to the WWN building.”

“Barney, you don’t have to do that. I’m good now. Really,” Robin swears. “Stinson’s Hangover Fixer Elixir did the trick, just like you said it would,” she reports happily.

“Meh,” he shrugs. “I’ve got nothing going on at work anyway.” In reality there’s a lot going on at GNB and he’d had to call in a favor to get the morning off to ensure she makes it into the studio. “I’ll still take you.”

Robin bites her lip, nodding. “Okay.”

“Now go get dressed. You have worlds to conquer!”

Twenty minutes later, Robin exits the bathroom, showered and hair dried, crossing through the living room in her robe. Barney stops her to hand her a bowl of her favorite cereal he’d scrounged up for her. “There’s still time to eat it while you get ready.”

“Thanks,” she beams, disappearing into her bedroom and closing the door.

After another half an hour that Barney passes watching the clock and flipping through channels on Ted’s TV, Robin finally emerges with her hair and makeup done, wearing killer heels – and even suited up.

“See,” he grins proudly. “You look like a million bucks, and we’ve still got an hour and a half to spare.”

Robin can only regard him in awe. “I don’t know how I can thank you. Before you showed up I really was going to call in sick. After all the work I’ve done to get here, I was going to throw it all away…..If you hadn’t come with your magic potion.”

Barney merely smiles affectionately. “That’s what it’s for. Now come on,” he says, taking her arm and leading her towards the door. “Let’s go make you famous.”

Part Two

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.17

2014-03-24T21:04:32Z

Previous Chapters

AN: Happy Barney/Robin wedding day!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sunrise

Robin’s still not sleeping but she’s trying her best when she hears a knock at her door. Pulling herself up to a seated position she grabs her phone off the nightstand to check the time. It’s just after four in the morning. There’s only one person who could be here at this hour. She certainly hopes it’s that person because she’s been wanting him too.

She doesn’t know why he doesn’t use his key though. Maybe he’s lost it again. Or he’s still too drunk to find it. It’s also possible he didn’t want to frighten her by just showing up in their room.

Setting her phone down, she tosses back the covers and gets out of bed, padding barefoot across the room in a rush to let her fiancé in. As soon as she has the door half-open she’s already calling his name. “Barn – Oh,” she corrects in disappointment, seeing it isn’t him at the door after all. “Ted. What are you doing here?”

“Did you just say Barney? Did you think I was Barney at the door?” he asks hastily.

Robin looks away, slightly embarrassed to be caught being so obviously needy and anxious to reunite with the man she evidently can’t spend a restful night away from. “Well….yes,” she eventually admits.

“So he’s not here with you then?”

“No.” She gives him an odd look as he should certainly know that. “He’s with you.” Suddenly cognizant of the fact that she’s standing there in a thin nightgown and it wasn’t Barney at the door, she turns and walks over to the stool at the foot of the bed. “Are you drunk now too?” she asks as she slips on her robe.

“No, I….” This time it’s Ted who hesitates, ashamed to admit his failure. He didn’t want to wake her up if he didn’t have to. He’d hoped to rectify this on his own without Robin ever knowing. “Barney was with me in my room,” he grants, “but then I went out on the balcony….and I was listening to this woman in the next room singing – ”

“Classic Smosby,” she interrupts, snickering.

She has no idea this is no laughing matter and Ted dreads being the one to break it to her. “When I got back inside, Barney was gone.”

“What?” Robin questions, her smile fading away.

“He’s gone.”

She huffs out a breath, crossing her arms over her chest. “Seriously, Ted? Your one job as the best man was not to lose the groom.”

“I’m sorry! When I came back in the room all that was left on his cot was an empty bottle of Glen McKenna.”

Her eyes widen. “You let him have more?” She’s starting to think she might have been wrong before to assume he’d make a great best man. After all, he may have gotten Marshall down the aisle but he let him shave his head first.

“Barney ordered up the rest of the bottle we’d been sharing at the bar,” Ted says sheepishly.

“How much was left in it?” Robin sighs, trying to keep a clear head and deal with this logically. Where Barney was going and how far he’s gotten by now may depend on how drunk he still is.

“I don’t know,” Ted concedes ruefully. “It couldn’t have been that much.” He can see this is frustrating to her and he can’t blame her. This is the morning of her wedding. She should be sleeping right now. “I’m sorry I wasn’t watching him.”

“Well, knowing Barney he probably just went down to the bar looking for more,” she shrugs it off, crossing over to the bed for her slippers. She’ll need them to head downstairs to fetch her inebriated fiancé.

Ted shakes his head regretfully. “No. That was the first place I checked before I came to get you. He wasn’t there.”

Hearing that, Robin feels a little anxious now. If Barney didn’t go down to the bar where else would he go? For a minute her mind starts to panic, envisioning the realization of all her worst fears. Her soon-to-husband has run off somewhere. On the night before his wedding. He could easily do something crazy and reckless. All guys get a little crazy right before their wedding, and this is Barney Stinson, the guy who swore he’d never get married. How could he not have at least one major freak-out? And this could be it…..Or what if he’s run out on her entirely and he’s not coming back? There’s a part of her that’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since they got engaged; it’s what caused her panic at the carousel…..

But she quickly reminds herself that she jumped to the wrong conclusion once already and it wasn’t warranted. Though sad, the news of James’s divorce was barely a blip on the radar for Barney. That experience taught her that she has to trust and have more faith in people not to hurt her or let her down, even the people who she’s most vulnerable to – and that applies to Barney most of all.

“Alright,” she tells Ted, trying to remain level-headed and calm as if it’s no big deal at all. “Just watch the halls in case he comes back. I’ll throw some clothes on and meet you in five minutes.”

Once she’s alone again she doesn’t give herself time to think. She just goes into default mode. There’s a job that needs to be done. Barney is missing and they have to find him. She won’t allow her brain to contemplate anything further than that.

Grabbing the first comfortable clothes she can find – jeans, a grey t-shirt, and her black hoodie – Robin slips into her nearest pair of sandals and goes to meet Ted.

For the next half an hour they look all over the hotel but Barney isn’t anywhere on the grounds. After that they decide to look out on the beach in case he wandered out there like he had when Marshall tried to slap him. But they can’t find him in the forest either so they continue further down the beach in hopes to happen upon him off-property, reasoning that perhaps in his confusion he thought it was time for their photos and had gone to the lighthouse early. However their efforts there are fruitless too, and by now it’s been an hour with no sign of him at all. What’s more, Barney hasn’t answered any of their calls or texts.

But Robin is endeavoring to stay calm and collected about it all, like this sort of thing happens every day. As they head back to the hotel, still without her fiancé, she knows that if she allows herself to really think about the enormity of Barney’s sudden disappearance her mind will conjure up potential runaway groom situations – or one last night of debauchery scenarios, which are equally disturbing.

“Where could Barney be?” Ted mumbles as they walk along, both carrying their sandals because it’s easier to maneuver in the sand barefoot.

“Oh relax,” Robin admonishes him. “He always finds his way home,” she reasons, trying her best to appear nonchalant and unconcerned. But even if Barney does find his way back, the question is where has he been? The only place left they haven’t looked is up the road but there’s not much there beyond the church across the street, the marina, some beach houses, and then in the little city proper a convenience store, the ice rink, and a few little restaurants that would be closed by now…..and on the way there’s that strip club Curtis told them both about.

Surely Barney wouldn’t go that crazy. Right? He hadn’t before. He wouldn’t do that to her. Although he is drunk. Off his ass drunk; Ted said he barely seemed to know what he was even doing. And he’s always had a thing for strippers….and never got that bachelor party lap dance from one – or whatever else he intended to do with her doing their “alone time”. Perhaps he figured better late than never?

But no. She owes him more credit than that. She was right the first time. Barney loves her and this is all just innocent and wherever he’s gone off to he’ll find his way back home soon. It’s as simple as that.

“Saint Patrick’s Day 2008. He did not find his way home that night,” Ted points out, and the topic provides a welcome distraction.

Barney had shared that story with her right away. The next morning after he woke up he called her to meet him for breakfast – more like brunch by that time, though neither one of them would have ever admitted that – and he told her everything that happened at the club the night before. So now she sighs good-naturedly because the gang has had this argument many times, and of course she’s always sided with Barney. “That dumpster was a block from his apartment. I call that a win.” Then she tells the joke she’d told Barney the morning after it happened. “Also, that isn’t the filthiest trash he’s ever slept with. Ho! My future husband, folks.”

Robin laughs if a little uneasily, because while she doesn’t mind the fact of Barney’s past – it’s a part of their story and she loves their story – there are times like right now when he’s drunk and gone missing that she still gets a little afraid of it, like how living that way for so long might affect their future and if she’ll still be able to compete with all that five years down the line. “….Or maybe he bailed on the wedding.” She shrugs offhandedly, not wanting to admit that a small part of her actually has that worry.

“Oh come on. Don’t even think like that.”

She’d wanted to pass it off as a joke but Ted’s response makes it real and now she’s forced to consider the fear that’s been there at the edge of her mind. Her eyes slide down to the sand and her smile reduces as she mentions, “Well, he’s terrified of commitment.” He had panic attacks the moment they started making actual wedding plans. “Although ironically loves being tied down,” she adds, and now her mind can’t help going to a pleasanter place, back to Friday night and what fun they’d had together doing just that.

Even afterwards, slipping out of Night Falcon and Fire Eagle mode back to simply Robin and Barney, he’d held her in his arms and told her how awesome she is and how much he loves her before they drifted off to sleep. And he does love her. She knows that’s true. After all the times they’ve shared and how much they mean to each other she knows he wouldn’t run out on her, or cheat on her, or do anything close to that. No matter how it might seem right now she just has to hold onto that and stick to that belief.

Ted too assures her that Barney is no Stella. Robin smiles but she’s eager to change the subject and asks him if he’s talked to Stella lately – though given their history and the sore point of The Wedding Bride films she already knows the answer. Ted, of course, tells her a resounding no and she laughs, patting his arm and offering the consoling lie that that the film wasn’t really that funny anyway. Still, she has to admit that Stella was pretty great. You know, until she left Ted at the altar……But she doesn’t want to think about those kinds of scenarios right now. “You know, I liked Stella. Even though she broke your heart I’d still put her in your top five.”

That statement opens up a whole can of worms as Ted asks her to name them all out, and she does, lingering with an affectionate laugh on, “Marshall, that time you guys pretended to be a couple when Barney was trying to sell the apartment.” Despite their initial bickering over selling his once Fortress, that turned out to be a memorably funny afternoon – and an even better night after both she and Barney were ready to give over to what the other wanted just to make one another happy and to fully accept every aspect of each other.

Robin keeps going, feeling even further comforted now, and rounds off the countdown with Victoria as number one, confessing to Ted that the list was a concoction of the running email chain between her, Lily, Marshall, and Barney about all of Ted’s wacky girlfriends, the inconsequential and nitpicky reasons he dumped a lot of them, why he’s still alone, and so forth. Since they’ve got time to kill while walking back to the inn, to keep her mind preoccupied she asks the question she’s always wondered about but never quite wanted to approach.

“Can I be honest?” she starts out, even in the face of the warning bells sounding off in her head cautioning her not to dabble here. But what can it hurt? They’re friends, aren’t they? Friends talk about this kind of stuff. “Um, it was kind of crazy how all of the sudden it was just over between you and Victoria.” Ted being Ted, after his long history with Victoria she’d expected him to propose any day, not end things just like that. “Why would you break up?” she questions, stopping to look him dead-on because she’s long suspected there’s something more to this story than what he’s told them. Again, her subconscious warns her she doesn’t really want to hear his answer, but she ignores it. “What happened?”

Ted grows cagey and evasive in response to her question, making those warning bells sound even louder. And when he finally comes out with it – “We broke up because of you” – all at once it’s like a freaking bell choir in Robin’s head.

****

A mile away, Barney continues staggering down the road. He still hasn’t found the hotel, and for the first half of the walk he kept hearing buzzing and ringing coming from somewhere nearby. He must be way more drunk than he thought.

He hiccups, stepping blurry-eyed out of the shadows, and almost stumbles directly into two guys – by the looks of them college kids, probably fresh from a party. There are beach houses up and down this stretch of Farhampton that are frequently rented out for the summer to the local co-eds on break.

Barney backs up and gives them a good steady look and it’s like looking at the two ends of time. These boys are just starting out in the game; young, clean slates with years’ worth of adventures and self-discovery ahead of them. He, on the other hand, is pushing forty and has learned many times over that there are, sadly, some things he now has to throw up his hands and admit “I’m too old for that stuff!”. While forty is by no means old nowadays, and he’ll always stay young at heart, and he still plans to have many more adventures with Robin in their married life, the days of broing out like these two – with him and Ted taking on the city – are completely over now.

Ted’s leaving. There will be no more teaching him how to live, no more setups at the bar, no more “Have you met Ted?”.

Actually these boys rather remind him of Ted when Barney first met him. Fashion inept, drenched in cheap cologne, obviously having just struck out all night, heading home alone and defeated. Just like Ted was on their first meeting, these boys are in need of a world of knowledge he alone can impart.

It’s lucky he happened upon them. The circle of life and all that. His days in the game are done. That world is not for him anymore. But he needs to pass on everything he knew about ruling the land of singledom or else who will there be to carry on the lifestyle? He’s getting married. Ted’s leaving New York. He has to leave his legacy with someone who will keep it alive and well in the city. And it’s good that there are two of them. He can only be their Broda for a little while tonight. After that they’re on their own, and you should always have a bro with you to make it all worthwhile.

“Boys, today is your lucky day. Because today I’m going to teach you how to – ” Barney’s stomach revolts and after pausing to throw up, which actually makes him feel a lot better and more clear-headed, he finishes, “ – live.”

Yes, these two will be his new protégées. Now, what’s the first step in teaching them how to live?

It only takes him half a second to decide it has to be a visit to the very place that he and Ted began.

But before he can come out with it, the one in the hoodie actually pulls a Ted in response and starts skeptically questioning how exactly he plans to teach them how to live. Barney just ignores it. It actually makes him feel more at home, more like old times.

When he eventually lets them in on their first stop for the night, Hoodie questions him again. “Strip club? We’re in the middle of nowhere.”

And that’s Barney’s first chance to impart some sage wisdom. “There is always a strip club.” Strip clubs are the backbone of legendary nights with two single bros out on the town looking for some action. Then if they’re not interested in continuing to pay for their pleasure, it’s off to the bar or the club next. Or, in their case, the party.

As soon as the words are out of his mouth the boys are suitably impressed at what they imagine to be his conjuring up of this particular strip club out of nowhere. In reality, Barney had actually seen The Crab Shed on the other side of the road when he’d passed by earlier, still looking for the Farhampton Inn. Before he had no interest in it. This time he’s going inside. But only for the edification of these hapless boys who will clearly need intensive training if they ever hope to pick up even one girl. Already he uses the “Gentlemen’s Club” sign as their first lesson, but these two are just as big of Teds as Ted was. He has a feeling this could take a while.

****

Robin takes a second to process what Ted’s just said. She’d wanted to hear it was because of Victoria’s messiness, or his past resentment that she’d taken off to Germany, or the problems caused by having Klaus live with them – or anything, really, other than what she’s just heard.

“She was uncomfortable with our history,” Ted explains, “and she didn’t want me to continue our friendship. It was either marry Victoria and stop seeing you or breakup. So I broke up with her.”

Robin’s stomach twists into knots at that. But then as the reality of it sets in – and the unspoken implication that goes along with that reality – her resentment and irritation start to grow. Because this isn’t right. What she suspects is the real truth behind it – and not Victoria expressing unreasonable discomfort over something that happened more than seven years ago – just isn’t right. It isn’t fair to her, to put that burden on her. He shouldn’t be making major life decisions and throwing away perfectly good relationships on her account. And certainly not because of their long-ago history.

“Ted,” Robin scolds him, shaking her head like she can hardly believe it – and she can’t. She throws her arms out, dumbfounded, and tells him what he should already recognize by now: that he needs to be living his life without thinking about where she fits into it. “I would have understood, you know? I mean if you told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore I – I mean I wouldn’t have liked it but, god, I would have understood.” The more she thinks about it the more annoyed and angry she becomes that he did this because of her. She never asked for that. She doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want special consideration from Ted or him making choices with her in mind. That shouldn’t be happening.

“I could never do that,” he says quietly, and his tone and the way he’s looking at her makes her frustration grow.

“Why not?” she persists, visibly exasperated and indignant.

Ted starts acting all cagey again and it only increases her resentment. He needs to just come out with it already, have it all out right now. What other choices has he made with her in mind? What other involvement has she had in the events of his life without even knowing it? It’s an unwelcome and disturbing thought and she insists Ted tell her why he could simply never let go of her friendship even to get married.

When he flat-out refuses to tell her she still won’t be deterred and tries to use Barney’s surefire way: It’s for the bride.

“I’m not gonna answer the question,” Ted repeats, and she thinks it’s another refusal until: “Because you know the answer.”

Robin blinks and looks away. She does know.

But she’d hoped her suspicion was incorrect. She’d hoped it just wasn’t true. Either way, she didn’t want to have to ever face it. And she never expected that he’d directly go there. But he does.

“There’s no top five, Robin. There’s just that top one. And it’s you.”

Hearing that, her eyes cast down to the sand and remain glued there. This is so awkward and uncomfortable. It’s like the night he told her he loved her all over again – only far worse now because it’s actually her wedding day.

She starts to move her lips to respond. She tries twice, but how can she respond to that? What does he want her to say? That she doesn’t feel that way about him, that he’s not her number one, that she never carried the kind of torch for him that he’s evidently still been carrying for her all these years, that she’s madly in love with the man she’s about to marry today and who is her number one?

She doesn’t need to say any of that because Ted already knows.

He maintains in his defense that he only said this now because he knows it’s not going to change anything; she and Barney are getting married today. Robin’s strategy in response is to make a nervous joke, aiming simply not to acknowledge and certainly not to address what Ted’s just said. It’s what she always does in uncomfortable situations like this.

“I’m the best man. I swore on the bro code,” he continues. “I don’t wanna go to bro hell.”

She grasps at the out Ted’s offered and quips back, “Bro hell sounds bad.” She still can’t look him in the eye.

“I’m sure Barney’s got a whole thing about bro hell.”

But as tempting as it is to take the out – just keep joking around and pretend the last few minutes never happened – Robin knows she can’t. Someone has to think of the logistics of their new reality. He just outright admitted to still having feelings for her. There’s no more ignoring it. They all have to acknowledge it now. So how does this friendship work from here on out? Not only hers and Ted’s, but Barney’s and Ted’s, and all of them hanging out together in the future.

“What about when we get back from our honeymoon?” she questions, finally meeting his eyes because she needs him to understand that he’s right. Regardless of his feelings, this is happening; she is marrying Barney. “What about our first night out at the bar? What then?”

She’s not going to walk on eggshells around Ted about her and Barney and their marriage. She doesn’t want to have to worry about things like putting their arms around each other, or kissing her husband, or saying ‘I love you’ in front of Ted. They’ll be newlyweds; they shouldn’t have to temper their behavior to spare his feelings, and they’re not going to. “Is it gonna be weird?” Robin asks. She doesn’t want it to be weird. That’s what she’s been trying to avoid for all of them.

Ted swears it won’t be but she has to question how he can be so sure. To her, it seems like it’s definitely going to be awkward. It already is right now.

“Because I’m not going to be there,” he reveals. “I’m moving to Chicago.”

Closing her eyes, Robin shakes her head at this new bombshell. It brings back all the frustration and agitation from before. Because here he is keeping more secrets, and about something this huge. “I can’t believe you’re leaving New York.” And soon too if he won’t even be there by the time they get back from their honeymoon. She knows Ted loves this city. What would possess him to leave? Surely there can’t be better career opportunities in Chicago than in New York.

Then a horrible realization floods over her. “Wait. Is this – is this because of me?” It’s even worse than she thought then. She suspected maybe he still harbored a little bit of something towards her, but only because he was confused and lonely and had no romantic prospects in his life. Whatever might have been there on his side, she thought Ted would get over it again as soon as he met his next girlfriend, just like he had with Victoria before. But now he’s running away across the country. This is serious.

Ted swears it’s not because of her, but then he backs that up with “maybe at first it was”, and he sits down on the sand, settling in for a long explanation. Robin hesitates, just standing there for a moment because sitting on a darkened beach with Ted now feels awkward – and she hates that it feels awkward – but after a moment more she moves a discreet distance away and kneels down on the sand too.

He goes on to describe what a long week it’s been and how some things have happened that made him realize it’s time to move on. Robin remains quiet but it’s a sentiment that rings so true she nearly nods along. It is time for Ted to move on. If he’s still clinging to the hope of being with her, well then it’s been time for him to move on for a long while…..She just wishes it didn’t have to come this way.

But if she’s honest with herself there’s been a bit of tension there between the three of them ever since she and Barney got engaged. And things have really never been the same between her and Ted since he told her he loved her last year and forced her to reject him by telling him she didn’t love him back. So she supposes, difficult though it may be, it is what it is and maybe this is for the best for all of them.

Having now accepted that, Robin uses Ted’s statement on all the bad things that happened to him in New York as her opportunity to make another joke, effectually changing the subject again back to his top five worst relationships. They’ve already traveled far enough down this awkward road, further than she wanted to. She certainly doesn’t need to hear any more.

She’s relieved when Ted takes the hint and asks her to name them all from the email list, which she’s more than happy to do. This is all she ever wanted for them, to be able to be easy friends this way without ancient history getting in the way. Unfortunately it seems Ted could never quite manage that and now the whole group will have to live with the consequences.

****

Inside The Crab Shed, Barney instructs the boys to head to the free buffet and take advantage of the underrated but exquisite strip club meatballs while he finds them a table in a prime location, center room. Meanwhile he orders himself a fresh scotch, a huge stack of napkins, and a lap dance for each of the boys. While they enjoy it and the onstage show that follows, Barney is busy at work. Even as the women get naked on stage, he only has eyes for what he’s writing and barely sees beyond the end of his ballpoint pen and the final gift he’s bestowing on them.

The Playbook had been his life’s work and he’d wanted to keep it as a memento of his past and where he came from. That’s why he burned the ceremonial copy during his proposal play but kept the original. The idea of having it around at all, however, made Robin uncomfortable, and he was willing to blow it up for her. He doesn’t begrudge her that. But rather than forever destroying it, a part of him still wishes he could have given it away and passed it along. That’s what he was trying to do with Ted, teaching him how to own and operate The Playbook, when Jeanette found it leading to its destruction.

But he has it all virtually memorized anyway. That’s the thing Robin didn’t understand. The physical presence of The Playbook had nothing to do with his devotion to her or his willingness to leave that life behind. He didn’t just use the plays. He’s their author, and that kind of thing just doesn’t disappear from one’s mind. The plays, the stratagems, the costumes, and the steps are all still engrained in his brain and if he wanted to he could pull them out and use them at any time. He wouldn’t need the actual text. It was never about keeping or destroying a literal book. It was about terminating that lifestyle, changing and transforming himself into a better man for her. That he’s already done, and he will always continue to stay faithful to her even though he knows he’ll still remember all of his plays till the day he days. Nevertheless, the actual text bothers her so he can’t and won’t keep it, but these boys can.

“Can a person live in a strip club?” the young Ted in plaid asks.

Barney answers affirmatively, back into sage mode. “For the next few years your strip club will be like home. Then one day you’ll date a stripper and almost marry her and then after that you’ll realize you’re done with strip clubs….in the sense that you’ll dial it back to like once a week.” And that’s exactly what he’d done immediately following his breakup with Quinn. His first instinct being single again was to get back out there, but she had soured him on the whole strip club experience – first, by turning out to be a little bit of a bitch and, second, by making him acknowledge strippers weren’t just stacked bodies for patrons’ pleasure but actual women with lives and friends and loved ones, perhaps even boyfriends and husbands at home. He still went once a week out of habit and because he felt like he should; that’s what he ought to be out there doing. But by the time Barney encountered that stranger and she made him realize he did still have a chance with Robin, strip clubs were the furthest thing from his mind from then on and his search for a new strip club to call home was entirely fake. He’d never even been to Mouth Beach since the night he and Robin went there as a setup.

While Barney keeps on writing, the boys chat excitedly about their ability to talk to girls now. Foolishly they don’t realize that while confidence is on the right track they only seem so interesting now because they’re paying these women. Barney knows they are in no way prepared to pick up women in the real world and he informs them of that, grabbing his Playbook napkins and whisking them off to the next location.

Because before making any pickup attempts the first thing they need to do – desperately – is to suit up. He happens to know Timmy G has a beachside studio just minutes from here. He’d made sure of it before booking the wedding in Farhampton. After a quick phone call he arranges an afterhours fitting, and with a new drink in hand Barney and T Gunn take to mocking the boys’ sorry excuses for outfits.

Hoodie Ted – who’s already looking immensely better in just his t-shirt with a suit coat now overtop – complains, “Who cares about any of this? They’re just clothes.”

That statement alone shows how much the boys have to learn. That statement would be horrifying to Barney if he hadn’t lived this all already. In fact, it brings his mind back to his and Ted’s first real conversation after their introduction, or rather his self-introduction. Back at MacLaren’s – not in what would become their usual booth, but the big table in the back corner of the bar....

Barney plops down in the booth – that he’ll later learn Marshall and Lily are also sitting in though he doesn’t really notice them at the time – slinging his arm around his new bro. “Ted, I’m going to teach you how to live.” He can see he doesn’t even remember who he is, but he doesn’t let that stop him. He just lost Insane Dwayne and he needs a new best bro to fill that now-empty space. “Barney. We met at the urinal.”

“Oh. Right. Hi.”

“Lesson one: Lose the goatee. It doesn’t go with your suit.”

“I’m not wearing a suit.”

“Lesson two: Get a suit. Suits are cool,” he informs Ted while gesturing down at himself as the only proof needed. “Exhibit A.”

Ted had so much he needed to be taught, Barney reflects nostalgically. “Just clothes?” he responds in the here and now, taking a breath to prepare to monologue the many benefits of suits that he really ought to know by now. “Ted – ”

Realizing, Barney stops himself, closing his eyes. He’s not talking to Ted at all. Ted’s leaving. These are his new protégées. “Sorry. Force of habit.” It’s hard to believe that first lesson with Ted was twelve years ago, but he addresses his new pupils in the exact same way, word-for-word. “Boys,” he corrects, “suits are cool. Exhibit A.” And he gestures down at himself, still looking impeccable after all these years and even after being out all night long – and drunk enough he couldn’t even find his way back to his hotel room earlier….or even just to his hotel.

Hoodie Ted, now Suit Coat Ted, purports that regardless of how well-dressed he is he’s still lacking basic game. “The challenge is walking up to a girl that I’ve never met before and somehow talking to her.”

That’s the most hilarious thing Barney has heard in a long while. He looks to Tim Gun and they both start laughing uproariously. They have so, so much to learn.

After finding out the only thing necessary, Suit Coat Ted’s actual name, Barney finally lets them go back to the party so he can introduce them to the surefire way to complete that challenge: playing a game of “Have you met Ted”, now amended to Justin.

“So simple. So elegant,” Justin raves.

“So that’s it? You just walk up to someone you don’t know and introduce them to your buddy?” his friend doubts. But two seconds later those doubts are silence with a, “Have you met Kyle?”

Barney just smiles. It works every time. The boys think he’s god after that, but he’s just a bro. A bro who wears suits and is awesome.

****

After Robin inquires if Ted’s ever talked to Jeanette again – solidly avoiding the topic of his recently confessed feelings for her – they get back up and continue walking down the beach to the hotel that’s now in the near distance, and by this time it’s already starting to get light out. The sun will be coming up soon.

“Hey, I’m sorry we couldn’t find Barney,” Ted tells her, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry I lost him in the first place.”

“He’ll find his way back,” Robin voices the mantra she’s been repeating in her head all night. “You go on ahead,” she instructs Ted. “I’m just gonna sit here a minute.” She plunks down on the sand, laying her sandals down and crossing her legs beneath her. The truth is she needs some time to think and compose herself. An awful lot has happened in the past three hours.

“No. That’s alright,” he replies. “I’ll sit with you.”

She nods absently and Ted settles down beside her. If she were paying attention to him she’d see that his body language is uncomfortable and he’d rather not be here at all after the awkward confessions he’s just made, but his good manners dictate he not leave her alone.

But Robin misses it all because she’s not even looking at him, or at the ocean. She’s not looking at anything in particular. Her thoughts are too far inward.

It hurts that their group, their little family of the past eight years, is being broken apart. And no matter what Ted says it is because of her. It’s through no fault of her own, granted, but it’s because of her that he’s going and therefore she can’t help feeling partially responsible. Marshall and Lily are losing their best friend since college. Because of her. And Barney, wherever he’s gone off to, she feels so badly for Barney’s sake. Barney will be devastated at the loss. Robin knows better than any of them how much Ted means to him. She vividly remembers how he was before, how distraught and how much it tore him apart when the two of them bro-ke up back then – again, because of her. All these years later she still hates being caught in the middle.

“We should probably head back,” Ted’s voice breaks through her thoughts.

Robin nods sadly even as the tears flood her eyes thinking about what this will do to all of them. It’s the end of an era. The gang will be no more. Nothing will ever be the same again. “Do you wanna watch the sun come up?” she proposes. It feels like they’re all entering a new phase that’s starting right now: Ted heading off to Chicago, Marshall and Lily possibly moving to Rome, she and Barney getting married later today. Watching the sunrise seems like a fitting representation for all of them and their fresh new start.

“Sure.”

At his answer, Robin turns to him momentarily and smiles for the friendship they’ve had over the years. They have been good friends, better friends than they ever were when they were romantically involved. Truthfully, she’s felt much closer to Ted as her platonic friend and once roommate than she ever did when they were together. Back when they dated…..that feels like a lifetime ago, like they were different people then, almost like that wasn’t even them at all.

For all these years she’s gone on acting and feeling as if it wasn’t. Because she’s grown and she knows herself so much better now. Most of what they had romantically anyway was carefully built upon wishes and convenience, a delicate balance of appreciating each other’s company while never acknowledging their fundamental differences and all the many issues those differences caused between them. She could never truly be herself with Ted, and she doesn’t think he would have been fully himself with her either. Once she opened her heart and mind to that truth during their breakup, it was relatively easy for her to move on.

But they were great companions. That was always the best part of their relationship. They worked so much better as friends, and when they settled into that friendship it was clear to her that’s what they were always meant to be.

And maybe that’s just it. Maybe that’s why some of it has been a little bit her fault. Maybe she was being selfish trying to maintain a close friendship with him when he still had romantic feelings for her. And their 40 year-old backup plan didn’t help – but she never really took that seriously, and she made it abundantly clear that it wasn’t his job to cheer her up…..Yet she took the cheer and closeness when he constantly offered it. Maybe she shouldn’t have.

But isn’t that what friends do? And she’s thought of Ted as a friend and nothing more for years now, going all the way to back to before she and Barney got together the first time. For at least the past four and a half years her mind hadn’t even classified Ted as an ex the way she always did with Barney. But it’s clear that to Ted she was always still his ex, never simply his friend, and that’s where the problem lies. Maybe it’s her fault because she should have drawn the line more clearly, but her closeness to Ted never felt any different from her closeness to Lily. Pulling back would have relegated him to a second-class tier of friendship, and what she’s wanted more than anything ever since they broke up all those years ago was just normalcy between them and for Ted to let go of the past the way that she already had.

Now it sucks that they can’t have that friendship. That because of her none of them will have Ted’s constant friendship in their lives anymore.

It sucks, yet she doesn’t regret her decision to marry Barney. She loves Barney. She always has. They’re heading towards something great together. Life has to always keep moving forward, and now that she and Barney went back for each other their eyes are only on the future. Ted is the one who’s stuck in the past.

But as she watches the light just begin to extend over the waterline Robin hopes that maybe his stay in Chicago will change that and maybe someday before too long they can all be friends again. Maybe by the time Marshall and Lily get back from Italy – if they do go – Ted will have moved on and will be ready to come back to New York too, and the gang can be whole again, their little family reunited once more.

Ted turns to her suddenly, breaking her out of her thoughts with a question about their first date and if at the end of the night she’d wanted him to kiss her. It’s an odd thing to bring up at a time like this, but out of consideration for his feelings Robin doesn’t point that out. And the truth is she thinks she knows the real reason behind the question. Barney’s told her of the debate they all had that night and how he had told Ted she’d given him the sign to kiss her but Ted had stupidly missed it. As usual, Barney could read her like a book. She had wanted a kiss that night. She barely knew Ted back then. They’d only just met, but she’d wanted a kiss – she’d been ready to sleep with him, in fact. That was the sort of casual, easy, no-strings, hook-up she was looking for back then. So she smiles and settles the debate once and for all. “Yeah, I did.”

Ted curses and she laughs, looking back to the ocean and exhaling a heavy breath.

But she can’t quite leave it at that.

She wanted to spare Ted’s feelings by not pointing out how inappropriate a topic this is when he just confessed to still wanting to be with her. And her number one focus has always been on preserving the friendships – their friendship, his friendship with Barney, the entire group dynamic – which is perhaps the truest reason she never said anything to Ted before or drew that line in the sand about feelings and being weird with her. Well, that and because she still tends to like the easy way and avoiding difficult, emotional confrontations. However, even in light of all that, something else does need to be said now. She’s needed to say it for quite some time.

“But that was a long time ago,” she sighs. “A very long time. We’re both different people now.”

He doesn’t look at her. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Robin glances over at him, unable to feel out his mood, but she plunges ahead anyhow. “Ted, I – I think I might have given you the wrong impression about me and Barney…..with the stuff I said back at the carousel. I mean Barney and I, we used to be the king and queen of dysfunction.” Their history gave the last minister a heart attack, and anyone about to marry a guy who’s bedded over two hundred and fifty women –almost all of them through dubious means – would be lying if she said that didn’t concern her at least a little. “You know what Barney’s life was like. And taking off tonight isn’t exactly great, though it probably wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t kept him so drunk. So every once in a while I still have these little moments of panic, hoping that we’re ready for this…..But I think that’s understandable, all things considered. Isn’t it?”

At least she hopes that’s normal. But the biggest thing to remember, the entire reason she said ‘yes’ to his proposal despite her fears, is that she loves Barney. She wants to be with him, spend her life with him, more than anything. “What you have to know most of all is that I’m happy with Barney. Really, truly, awesomely happy with him. I love him and I want to be his wife. I want to marry him. I’m going to marry him. And, yeah, sometimes that’s scary. But even when it’s scary it always feels right.”

At that Ted nods, and they both look back to the skyline to watch the sun makes its ascent.

****

A little ways away, Barney is having his own sunrise moment.

He had decided to stay a bit longer to finish his drink and oversee things as the boys hit it off with several women, collecting multiple numbers. But as he’s standing in the doorway now he sees it’s starting to grow light outside, a new day dawning. He’s getting married today and his place is back with Robin, with his soon-to-be – in only a matter of 12 hours – wife. So he herds the boys out onto the porch for a few final pieces of advice.

“Don’t get married until you’re thirty.” Not because it’s an awful institution that should be avoided. Not even so that you can live a wild and crazy life beforehand, though sowing your wild oats is important before you’re ready to settle down. But you don’t really and truly and fully know yourself until that time and therefore aren’t ready to give yourself to another human being.

“Play laser tag once a week.” That’s some stuff he’ll never be too old for. He and Robin still go once a month.

“Give at least as many high fives as you get.” Because it’s always about camaraderie and loyalty and support. It shouldn’t only be about you. Good bros should always be wingmen first who are in this together, which was always the very point of “Have you met Ted?”.

“Teacup pigs are lady magnets, but very hard to care for. Not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies.” Both of which he’d found through personal experience with Brover and Sadie aren’t worth the upkeep and responsibility as lady magnets alone. But it’s a whole different story when in a committed relationship. There a baby like Marvin can make a couple into a family. So can a puppy like Legendary. But Justin and Kyle are a good decade away from needing to know that…..and they’ll discover it on their own. That’s part of their journey. Which brings him to his final point.

As the sunrise casts a blanket of fresh new sunlight on his face he imparts to the boys the key piece of advice. “And most importantly…..” Barney chooses his words carefully as he thinks back on his own past decade with Ted and Marshall and Lily and then meeting Robin, all the unforgettable experiences they’ve had over the years. “Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.” He smiles, nodding, because if anything ever has that one statement sums up all of his nostalgia over the course of this night.

And with that he’s ready to go back and get married, start out this new adventure with Robin.

Barney reaches into his pocket without any qualms at all. “Good luck, boys.” And it does feel like graduation day, but in the very best way. He places the newly rewritten Playbook in Justin’s hand. “Take care of the game for me.” The legacy has been passed. Now it’s time to go home.

Home is waiting for him, sleeping peacefully in their honeymoon suite, and he’s not giving up until he finds it. With Robin in mind, Barney heads off the porch and starts back down the road.

****

Robin watches as the sun is finally now completely visible above the ocean. “And new day.” She smiles at the thought. Because she and Barney are getting married today. So, no, she doesn’t regret it at all – no matter what it’s cost them.

She lifts her head to the light of the sun, lets its warmth envelope her and the fresh breeze blow over her face. It may feel a little bittersweet right now but things have worked out exactly as they were meant to. Even if it’s just her and Barney left in New York without any of the others, together is where they were always meant to be and she finds she doesn’t mind it at all if she and Barney can simply have each other.

“Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep,” Ted informs her, starting to get up off the sand.

Robin’s mind goes for a second to her missing fiancé, the reason behind this sleepless night, but she knows he’ll come back; she knows it. Yet the fact remains that going back inside means the end of the era that she’s known for the past seven and a half years, which was reason enough to have stalled it before. But now she realizes it also means the beginning of this exciting new era, one with her and Barney as husband and wife.

With a smile she takes the hand Ted is offering and lets him help her one last time. Once up on her feet she gives him a kind smile. “I’m gonna head up to the hotel and keep looking for Barney. Maybe he’s come back by now,” she tells him. She never receives a response – Ted seems to be lost in his own thoughts now – but she walks away anyhow, heading up to the hotel alone.

Just as she’s climbed up the porch steps and is reaching for the door she hears Ted calling her name. “Wait. I’ll help you look. I’m the best man. I’ve got a wedding to get you both to.”

Robin smiles and nods, heading inside followed by Ted. The clock in the bar now reads 6:20 a.m. and she decides to check their room first and then try Ted’s in case Barney’s returned to either one. But he’s not there so they resort to calling in reinforcements, heading to Marshall and Lily’s room to alert them of the situation and ask for their help in looking.

Meanwhile, out front of the Farhampton Inn, after a half an hour’s walk Barney’s finally made it back and with a grin of contentment he ambles through the front door at 6:30 a.m., just missing Robin by ten minutes…….

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: This will be the last update until after the finale airs, so here's praying it all goes well for B/R!

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.16

2014-03-12T17:57:55Z

Previous Chapters

AN: This episode dealt exclusively with the Mother and her journey, and I know some people absolutely loved that and absolutely adore the Mother. However, I am not going to get into the Mother’s character or even feature her in this episode’s chapter (sorry if that disappoints anyone) because I don’t get into my take on any of the other characters and their journeys. This is unabashedly a Barney and Robin story. The focus is entirely on them. The other characters only appear in my chapters as they relate to Barney and Robin, and since the Mother categorically does not relate to them at the moment (as they haven’t even been truly introduced) she will not be appearing in my fanfic in anything other than the most cursory way.

I debated the potential inclusion of her in flash forwards but I feel like we don’t know enough about her for me to have a firm handle on her character and voice, and we certainly know nothing about her future friendship with Barney, Robin, and the two of them as a couple so it’s hard to put a finger on just exactly what their dynamic will be. As such, I’ve avoided it altogether. And there’s also the fact that we don’t even know her name at the moment, which is very hard to write around! Additionally, even in flash forwards my focus is entirely on Barney and Robin and their future so there’s not really a place for the Mother there either.

And as a warning, this chapter does contain honeymoon flash forwards, so again there is some sexual content that stretches the T rating.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

How Your Mother Met Me

In the twenty minutes since she’d gone upstairs to their room Robin changed into her nightgown, hung up all her clothes, climbed into bed and despite the late night they’ve had was all set to get a good five solid hours of sleep before the morning when she’ll need to be up by at least nine in order to get ready for the wedding pictures at the lighthouse.

Problem is, she can’t sleep. For most of those twenty minutes she lay here staring up at the ceiling.

The ceiling of the bridal suite. Because she’s getting married tomorrow.

The realization hits her anew and she’s flooded with a sudden feeling of unrest. Rolling over onto her side, Robin resituates herself, trying to get comfortable, trying to chase away the demons.

She’s nervous – okay, she’s downright scared – about tomorrow. It’s not that she doesn’t want to go through with it. She absolutely does. There’s no doubt in her mind that she wants to marry Barney. But there are a million ways it could go wrong, and not just the ceremony itself. She’d by lying if she said that doesn’t freak her out.

And now her own mother’s not even coming. Take that alongside everything else that’s happened and this whole weekend is starting to feel a little surreal, like she can hardly believe it actually is her wedding day; technically right now it’s her wedding day.

There were valid reasons she used to swear off marriage….and every one of those reasons is coming back to taunt her subconscious right now. Can she do this? Can she be someone’s wife? Is she good enough and grownup enough and together enough for that? And is Barney ready? Can they do this? Are they ready for something as serious and daunting as marriage? Are they ready to make a marriage work when so many other couples who seem to have had an easier time at coming together than they did still fail at it every day?

She doesn’t want them to fail and lose each other. That’s the nightmare that haunts her whenever she thinks about the intimidating and unknown future. She can vividly imagine all the wonderful ways their future might go, how happy they’ll be together and what a fantastic life they’ll have. But then there’s that nightmare hanging out there, tormenting her with the fear of ‘what if’. What if that’s not the ending they get? What if they become just another divorce statistic? Just like her parents. What if she’s destined to end up alone just like her mom?

And then there’s the whole business with her locket. She wishes so much that she just hadn’t found any trace of it. She wouldn’t have gotten her warm and fuzzy sign that everything will be alright, but at least not finding it would have made sense after all these years. Now tonight when she closes her eyes and tries to sleep she keeps seeing that empty box, her vanished locket.

She never used to believe in signs and omens, but what other explanation is there? The jewelry box was still buried, safe and sound, but her locket was mysteriously, unaccountably gone What else could that possibly be but a sign from the Universe telling her their marriage is doomed before they even say “I do”?

….She wishes Barney were here right now. If he were here with her she’d feel so much better, more comforted. When he’s there for her it’s not a problem. It’s when he’s not that things get murky, like that afternoon in Central Park. She gets alone and that’s when she starts thinking things, bad things. She always knew she’d be scared out of her mind if she ever got married – she predicted it years ago – and because of that it’s not good for her to be alone right now.

Still, Robin’s determined she won’t let the fear win and the panic takeover. She’s going to try to stay positive and just not think about it at all. That’s her coping technique for right now: enjoy everything that’s happening but try not to let her mind wrap around the monumental enormity of the fact that she’s getting married in a little over fourteen hours.

She fills her brain with other things instead, focusing on all the many secrets Barney let slip tonight in his truth serum state. While some of his much-lauded stories were exposed as embellished or downright faked, a shocking amount of them were essentially true as told.

But the most shocking of all was the long-awaited revelation of what he actually does for a living. Barney’s job, his revenge plan and the whole FBI involvement, is something she’d naturally like to hear more of whenever they get the chance. She’ll be curious to know if he even remembers telling them, but if he doesn’t the secret’s out now anyway and she definitely wants to talk with him about it when he’s sober so she can get a fuller picture.

And talk about it they will.

Lying in bed alone, trying to be brave, Robin has no way of knowing that in just a few short hours she and Barney will clearheadedly discuss the secret of his job – and they’ll do a whole lot more than just talk about it come the honeymoon…..

June 2^nd

Six days ago, Barney and Robin decided on the plane that now that they’re going to visit her hometown for Canada Day in just a few weeks, and they have Barney’s big bust coming soon, they should postpone their trip to Florence until their first anniversary – when they can still visit Marshall and Lily who are scheduled to be in Italy through the end of June. Instead, they’ll stay in Belize an extra few days. And they haven’t regretted the decision since.

When they first chose Belize – which has unequivocally lived up to its honeymoon lure and then some – Barney expressed his extreme desire for Robin to buy the kind of bikini bottoms with strings on the side to provide easy access for ocean sex. Robin fulfilled his dream and she looks absolutely phenomenal, if she does say so herself, in the bikini she spent hours picking out. Yet so far they’ve had no cause to use it since in these first days of their honeymoon they’ve barely seen other people at all. They’ve certainly had sex in the ocean but on their own private stretch, allowing them to go in already naked.

In fact, in this first half of their honeymoon clothing of any kind hasn’t figured very heavily into it at all. They’ve made love in the ocean and all over the beach. That second afternoon after she finished making her Space Teens phone calls Robin came back out on the patio and saw Barney still dozing in his red swim trunks with the tempting white string tie looking so mouthwateringly good she couldn’t resist going over, climbing up there with him, undoing that tie, and waking him up in his favorite way – which of course led to making love on the deck lounger. They’ve had sex in or on every place imaginable in their bungalow. And tonight, after enjoying another ordered-in meal out on the beach, they came inside, made love again, and then finished their desserts naked in bed.

Setting the remnants of her coconut flan on the night table, Robin bends her elbow up on the mattress and rests her head in her hand, sighing happily. “Barney, do you realize we’ve been married for exactly one week?”

“Best week of my life,” he murmurs contentedly, sitting propped up with his back against the pillows.

“Mine too.” The panic that was so real for her right before the wedding seems entirely unfounded now, so much so that she has to laugh at her own silliness and half wishes she could go back through time to knock some sense into herself. “And to think, we thought this might be hard.”

“Oh it’s been hard the entire time,” Barney answers wickedly. His expression darkens into pure hunger as he gazes over at his wife. She’s lying on her stomach with the sheet pulled down to her waist. Her long legs are parted and fully peeking out the end, and other than that bed sheet just barely covering her ass all the rest is soft, smooth, tanned bare skin. He can visually follow the entire line of her spine to where it dips beneath the sheet, and the sides of her breasts are almost entirely exposed. She looks like a picture perfect pin-up inviting him with her eyes to roll over to her, brush that little bit of sheet aside, and take her from behind. “But how can I help it when you look like that?”

Robin laughs, pulling herself up to a seated position and kissing him, careful to use the sheet to cover her chest or else things will progress before she’s even able to raise her next point. “You know, it’s been a whole week and in all that time we’ve glossed over the very important fact that…..you’re an undercover FBI agent.”

Barney smiles at that. “Not exactly. I’m working with the FBI but I’m employed by GNB. And I do real work there besides – ” Seeing the passionate, wanting look on her face he realizes and quickly cuts himself off lest he ruin a good thing here. “Oh – okay. Yes,” he confirms seductively. “I am, baby.” Robin turns onto her side facing him and his hand immediately goes to her hip, nudging her closer. “And it’s hardcore….dangerous.”

“Badass,” she breathes lustfully, gliding her leg over his.

“Yeah it is,” he agrees, bending his lips to her neck.

She sighs his name as he continues kissing down her neck and throat. “We have to role-play that. Right now. It’s too good to pass up. You be the undercover agent and I’ll be the informant. Oooh! Or the reformed criminal who’s turned state’s evidence and now it’s your job to protect me. Just the two of us locked in a cabin together. There’s no telling what we’ll get into – though I think you can guess exactly what you’ll get into.”

She’s practically vibrating with excitement at the thought of playing this out. There is no way he’s not going along with it. “Hmm, yes…..whatever you want.” Robin lifts the sheet that was between them and slides all the way on top of him so they’re skin-to-skin and Barney hums gruffly. “I can be so deep undercover….” He brings his hands up to cup her bottom, pressing her into him. “…..so deep,” he whispers a second before his mouth claims hers.

Back on the evening before their wedding, however, Barney’s night isn’t proving any more peaceful than his fiancée’s. He usually passes right out when he’s this drunk but there’s just too much on his mind tonight even in his scotch soaked state for him to fall into the tranquility of unconsciousness.

Ted, though, has no idea. His mind is too preoccupied with concerns of his own because Robin’s getting married in just a few hours. She’ll be forever lost to him and he’s still nowhere close to finding anyone else. Pensive and brooding and bogged down in a state of melancholy, when he sees Barney stumble to the bathroom he assumes that’s all his friend needs to quiet down. He’ll empty his bladder, go back to bed, and in this state of inebriation he’ll be out like a light for the rest of the night. Presuming that his groom babysitting job is successfully finished, Ted opts to go out on the balcony, look at the surf and the stars, and wallow for a spell in the sad way his life has turned out.

When Barney comes staggering out of the bathroom a minute later, for a second he doesn’t remember where he is. This is undeniably not their apartment, but neither does it look like the room he and Robin have been sharing for the past two days. Then reality catches up to him and he remembers that he’s spending the night in Ted’s room, for tradition and all. The night before the wedding the groom and the bride are supposed to sleep apart.

It makes sense now….except he doesn’t know where Ted’s gone off to. But perhaps he shouldn’t be surprised. That is what Ted is doing after all, going off for good. Twenty-four hours from now Ted will have left for the city to catch his plane to Chicago.

Barney grabs the bottle of scotch from the desk and takes a slug – at least it still has a little bit left in the bottom. Replacing its cork, he takes the bottle with him and flops down on the cot.

Ted’s leaving for Chicago and he’s never coming back.

That much Barney could never forget, drunk or sober. It’s only natural then that Ted’s already taking off. Abandoning him and their friendship. He understands the reasons why but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Barney uncorks the scotch and, closing his eyes, he drinks it dry. Shaking out every last drop into his mouth, he hugs the empty bottle to his chest. He’ll always have Glen McKenna.

And Robin. He’ll always have Robin. He starts waxing poetic about her – how beautiful she is, how stunning, and smart, and funny, and awesome. She is the perfect woman. And she’s going to be his wife.

His wife….They’re getting married the next day – today, really, since it’s well after midnight, though he has no clue what time it actually is.

Marriage is something he thought he’d never do, and only at first was that because he didn’t want it. For the past three years at least it hasn’t been for lack of wanting it so much as being afraid it wasn’t meant for someone like him – that he couldn’t handle it; that he was too far gone for something as traditional as love, fidelity, and marriage; that he didn’t deserve it. Now he knows that’s not true. He knows he’s no longer broken. Marriage isn’t forbidden to him.

But marriage is still a huge thing, even for people like Lily and Marshall and Ted who’ve dreamt of it all their lives. The idea of not just getting married but actually living out a functional, happy marriage on a day-to-day basis is new and scary and, well, rather intimidating. He just hopes he can live up to it. He hopes he doesn’t screw it up and let Robin down. He never wants to hurt her or disappoint her in any way.

….If Robin were here with him right now she’d probably say something reassuring, tell him she loves him and kiss him tenderly before curling up at his side.

And that’s likely the real truth of why he can’t sleep: because Robin isn’t here with him. He wishes she were here right now to calm him. Even if she said nothing at all, just having her close to him somehow makes everything seem better, and clearer and easier and more okay.

But Robin wants to follow tradition so he can’t have her with him tonight – and in her absence what he needs is another drink. Barney sits up and setting the empty bottle down on the cot he gets up to search the room for booze of any kind but quickly finds that Ted is fresh out.

That won’t do.   He’ll never get through the night this way. Grabbing his suit coat, he heads out of the room, making his way to the elevator and back down to the hotel bar. Downstairs he orders another scotch from Linus, thinking all the while. For whatever reason – maybe it’s the scotch, maybe it’s because the hours before go-time are quickly dwindling – it feels like the significance of what he’s doing here in Farhampton has just set in.

He’s getting married tomorrow.   This is the last night he’ll ever be single. Tomorrow he’ll start an unfamiliar new adventure, a brand new chapter of his life. Their life.

He’s so glad he met Robin. He loves her more than anything and meeting her, falling in love with her, every little piece of their story, he wouldn’t change it for the world. But it’s like graduation day. It makes you grow nostalgic and think back on the old times: him and Ted running around New York City each night, Barney teaching him how to live – living what he thought was the dream until Robin showed him there was a better one.

Those days are gone forever, and he wouldn’t have them back. What he has now is so much better. But he could have kept right on teaching Ted how to live in this new world of theirs. Teaching him how to rock at being married, a foreign territory that ironically he is the one to enter into first.

But Ted’s leaving.

….Nothing will be the same ever again.

For the most part that makes him extraordinarily happy, but losing a bro, that aspect of it leaves him a bit depressed and out of sorts.

Finishing his scotch and ordering another, Barney has a vague thought that he should go back up to bed. He needs sleep for their wedding tomorrow. He can’t disappoint Robin already. But he also can’t sleep in Ted’s room; he already figured that out. And so he makes up his mind.

Barney gets up off the stool, heading blurry-eyed out of the bar. Tradition or no tradition, he’s going up to Robin. He’s not looking for sex. He’s just feeling wistful and anxious and he needs to be with her right now. She’s exactly the thing he needs to soothe him and calm his restlessness tonight. He won’t even wake her up. He just wants to lie there with her beside him and then he’ll finally be able to sleep.

It occurs to Barney as he meanders through the hallway that it makes them exactly like Marshmallow and Lilypad, and it’s a startling yet deeply pleasant discovery that he completely gets them now and why they were so ooey-gooey, can’t-spend-a-second-apart like that back before they got married.

But it’s after another five, maybe ten, minutes of ambling past unrecognizable doors that Barney begins to suspect he may be too drunk to find the way back to his and Robin’s room. Getting tired of all the endless walking, he tries a door at random, hoping at least to find someone who can point him in the right direction. But the way through this door is even darker and longer than the hallways, and slightly breezy. And he can kind of smell the ocean.

After several minutes more he recognizes that’s because he’s ended up outside.   Barney looks to the right and then to the left but he can’t seem to find the hotel. But that’s okay; he could use some fresh air anyway – and he still has his glass of scotch in hand so everything’s all good. He’ll just stay walking down this road and eventually it will lead him back to the Farhampton Inn.

So on that very early morning of his wedding Barney keeps walking and drinking and thinking.

And he has no idea what he’s wandering to, or that in just a few days the concerns of the moment will seem like the silliest thing…..

June 3^rd

Just after eleven at the end of the first day of their second week in Belize, Barney rejoins Robin on the quilted hammock outside their bungalow, carrying a bowl of fresh fruit and mango cocktails for each of them. Because of the complete privacy afforded each private bungalow at the honeymooning resort they’ve been able to indulge in nude sunbathing, naked swimming in the ocean, and now even outside in the middle of the night Barney can relax in just his black boxer briefs and Robin in a white t-shirt thrown over her dark lilac bra and underwear.

She scooches over to make room from him again as he reclines alongside her, handing Robin her drink and setting the bowl on the hammock’s edge. “So what do you think of Belize?” she asks after taking a long sip of the cocktail.

“It’s beautiful,” Barney answers honestly. “And tropical. Everything I could’ve wanted for our sun, sand, and sex start into marriage.” He takes a drink too, moving his arm across her waist. With the moonlight filtering through the trees and the sounds of the gentle surf it truly is enchanting, like something straight out of a movie. “This is actually even better than I imagined – and you know I have a vivid imagination.”

“But do you think you’re going to like traveling in general?” she poses sincerely. “I always got the sense you preferred staying in the U.S.”

“Where did you get that idea?”

She gives him a look. “Maybe the way you dressed for Halloween, or made an entrance to “Living in America”. Or it could be the way you always love to chant ‘USA, USA’. And the fact that you once considered it a punishment that I grew up in Canada with American right there.”

Barney smiles, acknowledging, “I do love America. And it goes without saying it’s the best country on the face of the planet.”

“Sure,” she indulges him, amused.

“But that was mostly just to mess with you about being Canadian. I think Belize is amazing, and I’m gonna love traveling anywhere as long as it’s you and me going.”

“I love you,” Robin sighs at that, snuggling in closer to him and edging her bare foot across his, letting her toes play over his ankle and along his calf.

“I love you too,” Barney whispers, pressing a kiss to her temple.

They fall into companionable silence for a moment, listening to the ocean in the near distance. The way they’ve lived this past week reminds her a lot of the time she spent in Argentina, only better of course since it’s Barney who is with her now, and she’s not pretending to be something she isn’t; she’s simply basking in some much-deserved rest, relaxation, and uninterrupted lovin’.

Barney had been fascinated with her trip to Argentina back then. He poured over her photo albums with more interest than any of the others combined. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why but it was flattering nonetheless – perhaps all the more so because of the reason why. “Remember when I was Vacation Robin and I had my hair braided?”

“Yeah. I didn’t care for it. It wasn’t you. And once you got home I wanted the real Robin back.”

She remembers that! He got very upset because she wasn’t acting like herself. He was the first man in, well, ever who’d encouraged her to just be her and didn’t expect her to mold herself into some predetermined image they had of her, so at the time she found that attitude odd and even a little flustering. But it turned out he was right about her all along, and it was both unsettling and very satisfying to have someone understand her so well.

“Except I did love the topless part,” Barney easily admits.

Laughing, Robin sits up and sets her drink down on the ground beside the hammock. “I can do that,” she smiles enticingly, reaching down for the hem of her shirt and lifting it up and over her head. Within only a few seconds she has her bra off next and he hums softly, setting his drink down too to free up his hands to move to her waist and pull her back down to him where he nuzzles his face into her now bare breasts. Robin’s fingers thread up into his hair as Barney gently motorboats her and she tells him, “If I’m topless Vacation Robin you have to be Vacation Barney.”

“I’m already topless,” he murmurs against her right breast.

“I know. It’s not fair,” she pouts playfully, but her hands roving over his sculpted chest prove she doesn’t really mind.

“Alright.” Barney lets her go, sitting up now himself. “To even it up, I’ll go bottomless for you,” he offers mischievously, getting all the way up off the hammock to shed his underwear.

Robin lies back, admiring the view of his trim, toned, muscular body that’s already gotten more bronzed in the week they’ve been here. “Mmm, I like it,” she approves. “….I should go bottomless too.” She raises her hips to slip off her lace panties and throws them over the side of the hammock. “Get an all-over tan,” she gives as her coy excuse, even though they’ve already been getting one most of the time anyway.

He smirks down at her. “A tan by the moon?”

She shrugs, not bothered in the least that her justification was that transparent. “Meh, we’ll do it again tomorrow, get tanned then. Although this moon practically is bright enough to tan by,” she observes, looking up at the full, late spring moon. She closes her eyes, spreading her arms up over the hammock. “I just love to feel the warm breeze on my skin.”

Barney watches her, naked and sensuous in the moonlight…..and Lil’ Barney tells him it’s time he join in. “Hmm, I’m gonna be on your skin in the next five minutes,” he promises

“Oh I know,” Robin says as he climbs back onto the hammock with her. “Why do you think I went bottomless?”

He grabs for the bowl of fruit down by their feet and places a star fruit slice on her belly. It’s cool and wet, a bit jarring at first until he bends his warm mouth to her skin, eating it off her. She runs her hands over his back, sighing softly at the feel of his lips on her body, and at her eager reception he reaches down for his glass, filling her navel with the cocktail and proceeding to do a belly shot. Lifting his face, he exclaims cheekily, “See how much I love Belize!”

“Is it Belize you’re loving at the moment?” Robin teases.

Barney winks at her playfully and moments later has her gasping when he puts two star fruit slices directly over her nipples and takes his time nipping them off. Then, holding her gaze heatedly, he puts a slice over her lady parts, grinning wickedly as he dips his head to go after it. He eats the fruit alright – but not before doing some very interesting things with the star points – and then he proceeds to lick every trace of the fruit juice off of her until she’s moaning and clutching at his skull in ecstasy.

When Robin comes back to awareness she smiles with satisfaction and pulls him down onto her. After another few minutes of foreplay to ensure she’s desperate for him all over again, he slides inside her and they both hum appreciatively at the answering sensation.

Of all the heartfelt, romantic things he could say to her at the moment, Barney whispers enthusiastically, “We’re having sex in a palm tree.” And it’s so very him and so very them that it makes her love him even more.

“We’re more in between the trees then in them,” she smiles, cupping that tight butt of his and encouraging him on. “But I’ll give it to you.”

“I thought that’s what I was doing,” he says, thrusting solidly into her.

“You are,” she replies approvingly, wrapping her legs around him. “But…..it’s been a week. You do know Belize is more than just – ahh – ” She cuts off as another strong thrust from him hits a sweet spot. “….more than just sex, right?”

“Why do anything more when we could be having sex?” he poses seductively, continuing his rhythm all the while.

At the moment that feels like an extremely valid point and Robin wraps her arms around his shoulders. “My turn,” she prompts him and he takes her hint, rolling them over so she’s on top. “We should be having sex, definitely. But there are things we can do in between all the sex,” she tells him, sitting up against his thighs and flipping her hair back out of her face.

“You are so hot right now,” Barney breathes intently. “Naked out on the beach, riding me like you were born to do it.”

“Wasn’t I?” she counters, taking his left hand – the one wearing his wedding ring that proves he’s her husband – and putting it on her body; it’s been one of her favorite things to do since they got married. Then, with his hand caressing her, she starts to set a steady pace. “But there are….there are….” It’s so good she momentarily loses track of the conversation and has to start again. “There are lots of amazing things to see….tourists spots.”

He watches her boobs bounce as she moves and can’t think of a sight better than this. “The view from here is pretty amazing.”

She pauses in her movements. “I mean it, Barney. We should do some of that stuff too.”

“We should do it only if we’re doing this during.” He slides his fingers down between them, rubbing circles that make her whimper in pleasure.

It feels too incredible to concentrate for much longer. She’s quickly going to lose herself in him, and she wants to lose herself in him, so she hurries to finish her thought. “Our honeymoon doesn’t have to be all sex.” As a counterargument he pinches her between his fingers with just the right amount of friction and pressure, making her jolt in pure bliss. “Just 90% sex,” she moans, biting her lower lip.

Barney moves both his hands to her hips using the leverage to thrust up into her and they both groan. “How bout we talk about this later?”

“How bout we make a bet?” Robin counters, grinding down hard and eliciting a pleasured grunt from her husband. “I can get you to love all the touristy things even without having sex in the middle of them.”

“And what if I don’t?”

“Then we have sex in the middle of them,” she says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “We’ll have sex in the middle of it…..even if someone might see.” She moans at that thought, at the possibility of getting caught, and her motions take on added vigor.

“What do you get if you win?” Barney questions, his voice deep and erotically breathless.

Robin loves to talk sometimes during sex just to hear what she’s dubbed Barney’s ‘sex voice’. It is incontestably the sexiest thing she’s ever heard and can get her the rest of the way there on his voice alone. “If I win, we have sex afterwards.”

“So sex either way,” he grins. “I like this arrangement.”

He pulls her down for a long tongue-tangling kiss that she equally indulges in, but afterwards she uses his chest to push herself back up again. “Hold on.”

Barney reaches up and cups both her breasts, his thumbs playing over her nipples. “I am,” he says in his sex voice – and sweet timbits it just does something to her.

She smiles amorously, arching her back and pressing herself further into his hands. “I wasn’t finished,” she explains, panting. “The sex afterwards was a given anyway. I get an extra prize.”

“Listening…..” Robin rolls her hips, shimmies just right, and his eyes go crossed in extreme enjoyment. “….Barely,” Barney mumbles.

She smirks and repeats the motion, feeling herself building close to the edge too. “If I win and you love it sex-free, then before we leave you have to get your hair braided like Vacation Barney – and wear it home that way.”

That gets his full attention even during the midst of the hot sex they’re having. “What?”

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid?” Robin queries, her tone breathy and silken, her hips doing something men would kill to experience.

And he’ll take that bet. No sightseeing could ever be enjoyable in the face of the knowledge that they could be back in their bungalow doing this. “Challenge accepted,” Barney agrees.

She grins at his capitulation. “Should we shake on it?” she asks teasingly since he’s already inside of her and they’re moving together and it literally couldn’t get more intimate and entangled than this.

“Get over here, you little minx,” he smirks and pulls her back down against him, flipping them over and proceeding to go crazy on her until they’re both trembling with pleasure and coming hard together.

Over the rest of their honeymoon they play out Robin’s challenge. They start out simple – exploring the resort, dining in the restaurants instead of ordering in, having a couple’s message – and Barney actually enjoys himself without any fooling around. The next afternoon because it was recommended to them they go for a hike in the rainforest, but it’s tiresome and boring and he convinces her to stay back with him and do it under a waterfall after the rest of the group goes on with the hike. And just like that they’re caught up, neck-in-neck in their bet.

But from then on it’s a landslide as Robin finds their tourist forte. Barney loves the jaguars in the Belize Zoo, and one of the little thatched roof open-air bars at their resort becomes his honorary MacLaren’s. After that she broadens their horizons a bit, knowing Barney will love the more adventurous things if he only gives them a chance; those sorts of exploits are just the thing for a man who once insisted on breaking and entering to lick the Liberty Bell. And she’s right. Cave tubing is deemed “pretty awesome” by her husband. Snorkeling at Tobacco Caye is a hit too, and diving along the Belize Barrier Reef is his favorite of all. Before their trip is over Barney himself even asks if they can go diving again at the Great Blue Hole.

There’s still lovemaking – a ton of lovemaking, before and after – but they manage to enjoy themselves for hours on end doing other activities too, and all without getting further than a fleeting stop at second base during. Alright, there is that one time where they have sex in the bathroom of the bar, and then again out in the shallow waters on the public beach finally making use of the easy access bikini she bought, but she’d started it both times.

So, on their second to last night in Belize, Robin takes a copious amount of pictures as Barney gets his blonde hair island braided, true to his word.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.15, Part Two

2014-03-04T16:44:42Z

Robin hadn’t even thought to ask that question herself because she respected and believed him when Barney told her he was keeping it from her for her own protection. But she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t curious to know anyway. And now is her chance to find out.

Yet, sadly, once again Barney answers, “Please.”

When that same familiar reply comes, Robin gets desperate. She thought she was this close to finding out the truth. It’s too frustrating to let it go now. Since he’s not being forthcoming anymore she assumes he’s dwindling from his truth serum level and she tries to ply him with more booze until Ted stops her.

All these years Barney always laughed and said “Please” whenever they asked about his job and they’d always assumed he meant ‘Please, like I’d ever tell’. But now knowing that Barney can’t lie, Ted reaches the ultimate epiphany: Barney actually was telling the truth all that time, because PLEASE really is what he does. “Tell us more about this job,” he requests.

Still in that state of peace and clarity where all deception and pretense has melted away, Barney freely tells Ted the truth behind his job title with no guile whatsoever. “Well, as you know back in my hippie days a businessman came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend,” he recaps, since that’s where the story of his job truly starts. “That’s when I decided to become awesome.” Here, since they didn’t specifically ask about his secret plot, Barney simply tells them the truth of the story he peddled at that time in order to get the job. “But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn’t recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I could learn everything, Greg, my ex’s new boyfriend,” he reveals, to Ted and Robin’s surprise. “I suited up, used the word ‘bro’ a lot, lied about MIT and the ACTs, and I took the only job that was available: PLEASE. It’s an acronym.” They watch him smile as if even in his truth serum daze he finds that funny. “Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything – PLEASE. I just had to show up every day, sign a bunch of documents, and then get paid a ton of money.”

“Wait, that’s your job?” Ted interrupts hardly able to believe he could be that gullible. “You sign sketchy, legally binding documents that could implicate you for god knows what?”

“Best job ever right?” And it has been. Oh he’s done real work too, hard work for the company, but most of the time it’s easy money – and mainly it’s been the best job ever for what it’s allowed him to do.

Finally hearing what her fiancé does for a living, Robin stares straight ahead, her mouth hanging open because she’s finding it hard to breathe. She’s on the edge of hyperventilating actually. She used to worry about Barney one day being kidnapped by the North Koreans, rightfully so apparently after the way he reacted to his “kidnapping” for his bro mitzvah, but now she has to worry about him being imprisoned by the U.S. government too? Her biggest fear is losing Barney – and right now that’s centered around the worry of making a shambles of their marriage – but she never even dreamed she’d have to include losing her husband to imprisonment in her list of concerns.

“Barney. You’re being stupid,” she speaks up, agitated and extremely upset to the point of nearly being beside herself. “The – the – the company is setting you up as their fall guy for all of their illegal activities,” she sputters, looking to him desperately.

“No, you guys are being stupid,” Barney counters. “Especially Ted.” As if Barney Stinson would allow himself to be used and duped that way. After all the years they’ve known him do they really take him for that much of an amateur?

No, he’s not being stupid. He’s being more genius than anyone has ever given him credit for. He’s no one’s fall guy. This was all a part of his master plan to take Greg down, hard.

Not only had he actively stolen his girlfriend away, which was bad enough – she was the only girlfriend he’d ever had and at the time he’d thought he loved her deeply – but then Greg laughed about it – laughed at him – and publically demeaned him until Shannon laughed at him too. It was the ultimate example of adding insult to injury and Barney could not let him get away with it. People had been laughing at him his entire life. He’d finally snapped and had enough.

When that flyer advertising the advantages of suiting up blew into his hand, he didn’t decide to emulate Greg; he decided to do everything in his power to deliver the ultimate revenge on him. And the way to do that was to put on a mask that would match him. He’d have to blend in, gain his trust, and then destroy him from within. So he cut his hair, shaved, and put on the suit – his first of many.

In the beginning he never even though about imprisonment. Barney had a general distrust of the business world but he didn’t just assume at the outset that Greg was a criminal; that would come later. But what was clear from the moment he waited on him at the coffee shop was that power and money and women were everything to Greg, so Barney wanted to cut it off at the source. Find some dirt on him that would get him fired – and if there was no dirt he’d fabricate some; he wasn’t above that. Once Greg was fired he’d lose all that power, confidence, and money, and the women would follow too. That’s exactly what Barney wanted, to ruin his life and leave him with nothing the same way the man had done to him.

That’s how it started out but not how it ended. Because he soon realized he’d gotten into more than he’d ever anticipated. As soon as Greg handed him a contract offering him that much money just to sign some stuff Barney knew there had to be something more to this, something incredibly shady going on here. So that contract with the “details” of what PLEASE entailed, well, he lied to Greg about not looking it over and all it took was a few short sentences to get the gist of what was really happening at AltruCell. With that knowledge, Barney couldn’t stop there. He went right on lying to Greg about not reading the contracts he signed but he read every last paper, and the more and more he saw the more he realized AltruCell and Greg and the other corporate officers like him were more evil and corrupt than he could have ever imagined. Greg and the company were deep into moral depravity, engaging in widespread activities illegal in just about all developed nations. The guy was a creep plain and simple – a malicious, malevolent, immoral criminal responsible for some truly horrible things.

Armed with that information his plan quickly expanded beyond simply getting Greg fired. Barney was going to see to it that Greg and the others like him were put behind bars for life. He just had to work beneath the radar to collect enough proof first – and without getting caught. But he himself was never a criminal, nor was he just a dupe who signed papers. He spent his working hours very methodically collecting enough evidence to be convincing and then he brought that information to the FBI to take down Greg and the company. However, Barney soon learned that would require an even longer game than he had in mind. With something this big the feds needed to build a rock-solid case. That sort of thing took time and years undercover – and Barney was already in the perfect position to provide them just that. Since deep down he’s always had a good guy mentality he agreed to do it….and it certainly helped that this long play would also allow him to take an even grander revenge on Greg.

But in all the time Barney was working undercover, waiting while the FBI built their case, he had to keep signing all those documents, which made him indirectly responsible for stamping the okay on some very bad stuff. Nevertheless, if he ever got squeamish about that he simply reminded himself that if he backed down and quit they’d only find someone else to be their PLEASE guy. They weren’t just going to stop what they were doing and learn to play nice – not unless the U.S. government forced them to. And of course he still needed to get his revenge on Greg; in the beginning it was the only satisfying thing he had to make himself feel even slightly awesome, particularly when Robin was seriously dating Ted.

Additionally, as the FBI would tell Barney whenever he voiced his concerns, there were countless moral reasons to stay on and help them take these criminal down, and as much as he downplays that aspect of it, it did influence his resolve to stay at it. He highly suspects they’ve long had enough evidence to take down Greg alone. All this extra time has been because the feds are going after the other big fish who aren’t even a part of Barney’s need for revenge. He could’ve walked away a good five years ago and Greg would have likely still got his, but Barney kept biding his time helping the FBI anyway because at the heart of him he is a good guy. It’s something he can’t deny or turn off about himself – even though in this case being a good guy requires him to wear the mask of a bad guy.

He’s never told his friends but that’s the real reason he supports the “bad guys” in movies, because he knows firsthand it’s not as simple as judging a book by its cover. All this time everyone – even his best friends – assumed he was a criminal too, a villain, a Darth Vader of the world, but he’s actually been secretly working for the good guys all along. And since that’s true of him there’s just no telling if that hasn’t been the case for countless other cinematic “villains” that were never given the proper chance or credit.

But it didn’t matter all that much to Barney what his friends thought – that’s what he told himself anyway – because in the nearly fifteen years of working at AltruCell, now GNB, while the FBI was busy developing an airtight criminal case, in between espionage to gather them evidence Barney was busy with actual straightforward work, quickly proving to be invaluable to the company. Not all the documents that passed his way were criminal. Some of them were legitimate business deals, and he gradually started adding his own two cents, stepping in with ingenious ideas that saved and improved various contracts and takeovers. The end result was garnering the company’s praise and attention until he was given actual responsibilities there that continued to increase over time. He gained real influence at AltruCell and by the time they became GNB he’d climbed the corporate ladder to an actual position and genuine role there, not merely just the idiot PLEASE guy who signs all the illegal contracts they can later blame on him.

So everything about what he’s done at GNB has made him awesome and transformed his life. It’s been the best revenge plan anyone could have devised. Not only is he taking Greg down but he built himself up in the process. Ted and Robin, however, haven’t a clue, and poor Robin is concerned for his safety which means it’s time to finally let them in on the truth.

“They only think I’m their fall guy,” Barney divulges. “And that’s what I want them to think. That’s exactly my plan. Because I’ve actually been colluding with the feds pretty much the entire time. They know everything.” Here his face lights up with anticipation. “And now, after all these years, they finally have a strong enough case and all the proof they’ll need to prosecute. They’re about to make a bust, shut down Greg’s division, and arrest him as one of the kingpins.”

“Wow, Barney,” Robin smiles, so extremely relieved. “You’re working with the FBI?”

“You’re not a criminal at all,” Ted slowly realizes. “Oh my god. You’re actually one of the good guys!” he marvels.

“You outsmarted them all.” Robin’s voice is drenched in pride and her smile widens.

“Yep,” Barney confirms. “And that’s all about to go down really soon. Sometime in July, I’m told.”

Robin laughs, reaching over and rubbing his shoulder lovingly. “It’s good to know my husband won’t be arrested.” Barney smiles at her affectionately, still cross-eyed and clearly out of it. Now is her chance to get in one last question while he’s still in truth serum mode. “So, Barney, I still haven’t heard you pronounce that last syllable…..” She’s almost afraid to know, but it’s like walking into an accident scene; she finds she can’t look away. “At our wedding will there be a ring bear or a ring bearer?”

Barney smiles again – and chooses his words very carefully. “The truth is, yes, there will be a ring bearer.” It’s not technically a lie since he will be a ring bearer, as he’ll carry the ring. “His name is Trever Hudson. I worked with his mother and he’s adorable.” His mother was from a circus troupe Barney knew back in his magic days. Little Trever is even more adorable, and it’s entirely alright that he’ll be there because what Robin’s really concerned about is the danger aspect – but there will be none – and if a bear will ruin their ceremony, which it won’t. “I want our wedding to be perfect, Robin,” he tells her from the heart. That’s the very reason why it needs to include Trever the bear. He’ll make their wedding truly legendary.

Robin breathes another huge sigh of relief. “Me too.” After that it really is time for bed. Announcing as much, she makes sure Ted remembers the plan to let Barney crash with him for the night, and the moment she gets a confirmation nod from Ted, she’s lost in Barney. Smiling brightly, she gets up to cup his neck and kiss him goodnight – the last goodnight kiss they’ll have before they’re married.

As soon as her fingers touch his skin Barney hums contentedly.

“I love you,” she tells him.

Hearing that, though his eyes are still closed his mouth stretches into a wide, happy grin. “I love you too.”

Robin rubs his back and chest as she gets up – one last touch before she spends her last night ever alone – and she sighs serenely as she walks out of the bar.

Even in the moments after she’s gone, Ted watches Barney still smile to himself, looking drunk on love rather than scotch. But while everything points to peace and tranquility this is still Barney Stinson so Ted has to ask. “Okay I’ve got one last question for you and I can’t believe I haven’t asked it yet. Dude, you’re getting married tomorrow.”

At that, Barney smiles again. He’s so happy. This is what he’s wanted for the longest time, Robin permanently in his life, making it complete.

“How are you doing?” Ted wonders.

“Good,” Barney answers genuinely, artlessly, telling the absolute truth. “I mean I’m a little nervous,” he acknowledges, “but….I love Robin more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I’m gonna do everything I can to make her happy.” Nothing has ever been truer in his life. That’s why he cried over the Bryan Adams song. She is his reason and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for her. “For a long time, deep down, I felt sort of…..broken.” He was just a messed up kid, a misfit who had no place, and even as an adult he didn’t fare much better. He rarely felt any kind of connection or bond and had no emotional sustenance as he sank deeper and deeper into womanizing, into the prison of his own making, until he felt shattered, damaged, destroyed, and beyond hope. For the longest time he always felt so hollow and empty, like something was missing, like he still needed something to be completely whole again. “But I don’t feel that way anymore. Robin – along with the idea that vengeance will soon be mine – has made me 100% awesome.”

And with that final truth told, the total clarity, understanding, and guilelessness of Truth Serum Drunk swiftly leave him like a warm blanket being pulled from his shoulders and Barney slips back into Jabba drunk.

He can hardly even walk and nearly falls over. Ted has to guide him up to the room. But in both their experience that means they’re in for an undisturbed, restful night. Whenever Barney’s this drunk he passes out almost immediately, which will have him up and ready for his wedding day bright and early tomorrow.

Neither one of them has any idea how wrong that assumption is.

But despite the bumps in the road soon coming their way, everything will turn out exactly as it’s meant to……

Two Months Later

The entire ride home – by Ranjit, not some random cab driver, as he needed to be there to witness his glory too – Barney can’t stop smiling. He finally has everything. No longer broken, married to Robin the unequivocal love of his life, he’s just dealt Greg the ultimate comeuppance, and he’s still suited-up and as awesome as ever.

His life is perfect now. He’s had his reprisal, he’s on his way home to his incredible wife, and the future is wide open to him. He’s so happy, so psyched right now. When he walks through the door to their apartment he’s practically bouncing on his heels.

Robin looks up from her spot on the couch, thumbing through a magazine. She knew the bust was going down today and all afternoon she’d been just the slightest bit nervous for him, hoping it all goes as planned. She eventually took off a couple hours early from WWN because she couldn’t seem to fully concentrate anyway. But as soon as she sees the wide smile on her husband’s face she knows the sting must have been successful. “I take it you got your revenge,” she remarks, her grin matching his as he walks over to join her in the living room.

“The last time I saw Greg he was cuffed and being forcibly led out of the building by the FBI.” Barney lets out a little laugh as he crosses over to the mini bar, pouring them each a glass of scotch

“Congratulations, though I think maybe Shannon is the one you should have been getting revenge on. After all, she’s the one who actually cheated on you.” He opens his mouth to reply and she puts her hand up, already anticipating his argument. “But I get it. Greg laughed at you. He watched your private video and made fun of you. I understand that required retaliation.”

“Yes it did. And I’m the one who’s laughing now,” Barney chuckles victoriously. Walking back over, he hands Robin her drink. “And as you recall, I did revenge bang Shannon and ditch her afterwards,” he reminds her, sitting down on the couch beside her and taking a well-deserved sip of his scotch.

Back when he made that decision to do so it was all about exorcising the demon of Shannon and what she’d done to him. Nearly eight years later, there were no residual feelings left for her at all but he still bore the scars of the hurt and betrayal of what she’d done to him, all the more so because running into her again caused him to reflect on the man he might have been had things turned out differently and she hadn’t cheated on him, much the same as he used to wonder how different his life might have been if Jerry had stuck around and he’d grown up knowing him as his dad.

When he saw her again Shannon was stuck in a crappy apartment, forced to take menial jobs to pay the bills, a single mom with an apparently deadbeat baby daddy who’d left her too just like Greg did. Barney had been able to easily seduce her the same way he did with all the others. He’d proven he had the upper hand, he was no longer the victim, and that was all the more he’d needed from her.

“Besides, she wasn’t some big significant entity in my life. Yes, she left me thinking you shouldn’t trust in love because you’ll only get hurt, but she wasn’t the first or the only person who made me think that; she was just the final straw. And as soon as I met and fell in love with you I realized that anything I’d felt for her paled in comparison,” he explains. “But my revenge on Greg wasn’t even about Shannon per se. He took what was mine. He made me feel like a loser, like I was nothing. No one humiliates Barney Stinson and gets away with it. You heard the story; you know what he did to me. Hippie Barney had to be avenged. Greg had to pay, and he did, and now the last laugh is mine. He’s in prison and my life is perfect.”

“Well, I’m happy for you,” she tells him, curling her hand around his leg, her thumb softly stroking his pants. “So you’ve got your revenge. What now?”

Barney gives her a look like the answer is obvious. “We have awesome celebratory sex, that’s what.” He glances down to her hand on his thigh and then back up at her. “I was gonna wait until tonight but if you want it now I’m down for that. You know ruining peoples’ lives makes me horny,” he says, setting his scotch down on the table and reaching for her.

“No,” Robin laughs, “that’s not what I meant. I mean now that the sting is over what are you going to do about your job?”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t know,” Barney admits. “All these years I never really thought much beyond this point. But I have some options. I was going to see what you thought.”

“Okay,” she responds with a smile, loving the teamwork aspect of this and that he’s including her in this decision rather than lone wolfing it, even with something as personal as his own career.

“All of you have only seen the dark side of things – even Marshall, since he worked in the same division as I did – but GNB was just a normal, decent bank before AltruCell bought them out. Even after that not every part of GNB was corrupt, just the division that the original AltruCell executives took over and maintained as their front; before it was the tennis balls, then it became the bank,” he recounts. “But most everyone who works for GNB had no idea what was going on. Even a lot of the higher-ups didn’t know – including the CEO, who was so grateful to me for exposing the illegal activities taking place right under his nose that he offered me another position at GNB. A legitimate, aboveboard position.” Barney holds her gaze excitedly. “Robin, it’s a good position. I may have started out as the PLEASE guy but I did a hell of a lot more for the company, including several other peoples’ jobs while they just skated by. I didn’t go to the MIT you guys were thinking of but I did go to a great college and I have a genuine degree in economics. Between those qualifications, my fifteen years at the company, and the CEO’s appreciation for taking down the people like Greg, he offered me a corporate position – and one just about as high as you can go.” He pauses a dramatic moment before coming out with the best part. “I’d be the head of not only the New York headquarters but all of GNB’s East Coast operations. I’m talking the tippy-top office of Ted’s hot new building.”

Robin’s grins broadly at her husband, infinitely proud. “Barney, that’s great! That’s huge. My dad is going to freak – he might rebuy you that diamond encrusted suit.” She eyes him studyingly, setting her drink down to and moving her hand up to his arm. “But is that what you want?”

“It is a great offer,” Barney contemplates aloud, “but not my only offer. I’ve been working with the feds for several years now helping them build their case, and they’re impressed with the work I’ve done too….And they also performed a background check on me when I first approached them to see if I was legit and on the up-and-up or if I’d been in on it with Greg.”

That much seems understandable, and Robin nods.

“As part of that background check they may have discovered some of my fake identities, websites, plays I’ve run on women. You get the picture.”

She grimaces. “Oh boy.”

“But,” he grins now, “it turns out they were impressed with that too. They think I’m so good at lying and adopting fake personas that I would make the perfect undercover agent. I’m just the sort of man they need in their line of work, so they asked me to stay on. They want to hire me and have me actually work for them now in other corporate corruption and espionage cases. I’d infiltrate companies just like I did with GNB and figure out exactly where the shady activity is coming from, who’s beyond it, and collect the evidence necessary to shut it down.”

Robin takes a moment to process that. “Wow, Fire Eagle,” she smirks. “I always knew there was a reason you were so good at that game. So is that what you want to do then?”

“Well if I stay at GNB they want me to start right away,” he informs her, “but if I go to work for the feds there’s a little more leeway. I told them I needed to talk it over with my wife and they said that’s fine; they’re open to taking me on at any time, even years from now if I change my mind.”

“They must want you pretty badly.”

Barney puffs up, straightening his tie in his classic pose. “I’m a hot commodity,” he winks. “But more importantly,” he finishes seriously, “it means that if I wanted to I could take some time off before starting…..which means you could apply for that opening for the foreign correspondent position.”

Robin’s expression grows hesitant. “Barney, I was just telling you about that. I wasn’t thinking of applying myself.”

For a moment he doesn’t say anything. He just gives her a quiet, thoughtful look. And then finally: “Don’t let this be your ‘I’m a joke’ argument all over again. You’re a lead anchor for World Wide News. You’re a big-time reporter now, Robin, and I believe in you even if you don’t believe in yourself. There is nothing you can’t do.”

She smiles warmly at his unwavering support and belief in her, but that honestly isn’t the problem now. “No,” she gently corrects him, “that’s not what it is this time.” When he gives her that look again she insists, “It really isn’t. I do believe in myself, and I know I’m not a joke. Sandy is, but I’m not. But that foreign correspondent position is for at least a full year.”

“Yeah,” he says, failing to see the problem. “But you wouldn’t be alone anymore. I’d be with you.”

Robin reaches down for his hand, pulling it into her lap and entwining their fingers. “And that’s the only thing that would make it doable. But, Barney, I love our life here. I love our home, and our friends, and this city. Yeah, from time to time I’d like to take temporary one or two or three week assignments overseas, maybe even a couple months here and there, like when I went to Argentina. And I still want to travel and have adventures with you. I want us to see the world together. But I don’t know if I’d ever want to live somewhere else for a whole year or more, so please don’t make any decisions based on that. I’m perfectly content with us making our home here in New York.”

“Okay,” he nods. “If you’re sure that’s how you really feel.”

“It is,” she promises. “I’m not running away this time. It’s not that I’m afraid to live overseas; I just don’t think I’d ever want to permanently. I’m happy here. This is what I want,” Robin assures him. “But what about you?” she asks, turning the conversation back to its original focus. “What do you want to do? GNB or the FBI?”

Barney lets out a deep sigh. “I honestly don’t know. The position at GNB is an amazing opportunity, and I’ve been there for years. But the FBI is the freakin’ FBI. Can you imagine?” His expression turns mysterious, his voice suave and deep. “Barney Stinson, federal agent.”

Robin bites her lip appreciatively. “Oh I can imagine it,” she breathes, finding it an incredible turn-on despite the fact that in reality he wouldn’t be able to go around introducing himself that way as his entire job would be keeping that fact a secret.

“I don’t know what to do,” Barney laments, growing increasingly agitated. “There are reasons to choose both, and they’re each awesome in their own way, and it’s too, too confusing, and I just can’t decide!” he shouts. It’s like Farhampton all over again when he was forced to choose between James and Robin. Out of breath, he turns to his wife, looking for guidance. “What do you think, baby?”

Robin gives him a patient smile. “Let’s just work this through, weigh the pros and cons,” she suggests, rubbing his arm. “….I think you might be happy working for the FBI. And I’m not just saying that because I think it’s hot. I really do think you’d like it. But I also know – well, I know now anyway,” she revises since she’s only very recently discovered such simple things as what her husband does for a living, where he went to college, and what for, “that GNB is actually in your degree field, and you seemed to have loved your time there even on a day-to-day basis – and that couldn’t have been all sabotaging Greg, all the time. On the other hand, that was when you did still have this bigger goal in mind and this huge secret plot you were working towards that no one else knew about…..So I guess what I’m saying is, would you be happy at GNB if you were just doing straightforward business or would you be bored out of your mind?”

Barney considers that honestly. “Well I would be the head of things. That does change it from just a mundane corporate job…..I’d have a lot of important responsibilities – so there’s that.” He makes a face, apparently considering heavy work responsibilities a ‘con’. “But I’d also have the power to come up with all sorts of legendary things and implement any new ideas I wanted. GNB could be like our apartment; I could personalize it and make it better. I could make banking awesome!” he gasps, his face lighting up at the possibilities. “But I know you’re right; if I work for the FBI it will be the thrill of the hunt every single time – implementing a secret plot, working toward the hidden goal to take them down, adopting whatever persona is necessary to get the job done. It would basically be like running plays for a living.” At that realization Barney’s expression sobers and his grin falls away. “……It would be running plays. For a living. And I left all that behind for a reason. I’m done with running plays. Our little surprise pranks are all I need.”

Robin can’t help a small laugh at that description because there is nothing ‘little’ about the kind of elaborate, jaw dropping, and sometimes temporarily terrifying surprises they pull off for each other. The day after they got home from Belize, she promised to meet him at the bar after work but called him twenty minutes late to tell him their building had caught fire and their apartment was a total loss. He rushed over to see the damage for himself only to discover that everything was fine and this was in fact Robin getting him back for the rehearsal dinner by surprising him with a Space Teens reunion, complete with Alan Thicke, Jessica Glitter, Robin Sparkles of course, all the original costumes, and as much of the set pieces as she could dig up – even the beavers and robot were there. She’d planned it all on the second afternoon of their honeymoon when after twenty-four hours of nonstop nudity and almost constant sex they’d taken a break to sun themselves on their private stretch of beach and Barney had dozed off. It was the perfect opportunity to make all the calls she’d needed to.

“I know you’re done with plays, and I’m glad. I love you for it. We’re married because of it. I love that “The Robin” was the last play you’ll ever run,” she confides. “But it’s not like you’d be running seduction plays to sleep with women. You’d be using your play-running skills for good now instead of evil.”

“I would, wouldn’t I?” Barney smiles.

“You would. So if you’re worried about how I’d feel, I wouldn’t consider that back to your old ways,” she reassures him, stroking his hand tenderly.

And it’s that gentle showing of loving support that solidifies it in his mind. Just the fact that he has her by his side to support him at all. Robin Scherbatsky – now Stinson, except for when she’s on the air – is his wife. That is the ultimate, definitive dream. “Thanks. It’s good to know I’d have your support.”

Robin thinks that must mean he’s leaning toward the FBI, until he finishes.

“But, you know, I don’t think I want to adopt any other personas, even temporarily and even just for work. Because who I really am – the life I really have – no amount of pretending could ever beat that,” he expresses. “I don’t want to have pretend to be anyone other than Barney Stinson who lives in the awesomest apartment in the city and is married to Robin Scherbatsky – yeah, that Robin Scherbatsky, the hottest anchor on WWN and star of “The Sexiest Women in News” feature in next month’s issue of Esquire.”

Robin smiles both because – what can she say? – it’s true, and because it makes her happy to know Barney feels their current life is better than anything he could ever imagine. She still just randomly smiles every time she remembers how adorable he’d been back when she did the magazine spread a few weeks ago. Barney had insisted on being there throughout the entire photo shoot, particularly when he learned it would be partially in her underwear, because as he’d said, “I know how these guys are. This is just the sort of thing I would have done – and by the time we were three pictures in I would have had you bent over that chair.” But afterwards he admitted the pictures were tastefully sexy and told her she looked amazing; he even keeps a framed copy of his favorite on his desk at work.

“Because that’s just it,” Barney continues, feeling the need to clarify this point lest she and Ted and the others think he may be a closeted hippie at heart and all the rest has been a pretense to achieve his payback. “The Barney Stinson you’ve known since we met, that hasn’t been pretend. It hasn’t been an act.”

That’s the biggest way his revenge plan influenced his life: he slowly became a different person himself. “When I first took the job at AltruCell I did only think of it as revenge. What I really wanted to do was use my degree to save the world – help developing nations learn to be as awesome as the U.S., end global hunger, all of that. That’s why I was joining the Peace Corps with Shannon,” he explains. “But I realize now that even at that time I was still searching for an identity. That’s why it was ‘my hippie days’; it was a phase. I was never actually that idealistic deep down. How could I be after my dad abandoned me and my mom lied to me my entire life about who he was?”

Without his dad around and with a mom who constantly fudged the truth about virtually everything, he’d always been searching for roots and for someone or something to emulate, some sort of uniqueness, a distinctiveness that would define who he is. As he grew into adolescence he tested out several personas in an effort to find himself – Nerdy Barney, Magician Barney, Goth Barney. He was just experimenting, trying on different personalities to see which suited him, but the problem was none of them ever stuck for too long. Hippie Barney was something he picked up in college fueled by Shannon herself and it stayed with him the longest because he thought that’s how she was too and if he took that on it would please her.

When he first began trying to get in with Greg and AltruCell he was only wearing the suits and using the lingo and the high fives and fist bumps just to fit in. But with time he found he actually enjoyed the awesomeness of his suited-up corporate lifestyle: the bros and the sense of camaraderie, the money, the stylishness and the confidence, and the attention and the women this new attitude brought him. Because once he was over Shannon enough not to be crying all the way through it, sleeping around was fun – at first, but Robin knows the rest of that story; it’s been their story.

“I started out acting like a bro just so I could get my revenge, but very early on I liked it. I loved it. It fit. For the first time I actually felt like I belonged.” It turns out he’d found the persona that stuck – he found himself – in the corporate world. “This is who I was meant to be. The suits and the catchphrases and the corporate high finance lifestyle, it’s who I really am.” He started out pretending, yes, but Suited-Up Awesome Barney quickly became no longer just a mask he created to infiltrate the enemy, no longer simply a role he was playing, but who he truly is – with his own personal modifications, naturally. Like a flair for amazing stories, a passion for teaching and instruction through his blog and through helping mentees like Ted, a continued love for magic, and a real zeal for ingenuity and challenge until picking up women became elevated from a smooth line or two at the bar into a true art form perfected with countless plays and new personas for the night. Even James thought his transformation was so cool that he followed suit. “Sure, I like to be creative and have fun and be a magician and blogger and inventor, contributing to the greater good of all mankind,” he tells her – and she knows he’s not being the least bit ironic in that statement; he truly believes that’s what he’s doing. “All those things are a part of who I am too, but I’m also a businessman at heart.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Robin assures him, squeezing his hand. “I love Corporate Suited-Up Barney. That’s the guy I married. Hippie Barney I probably wouldn’t have given a second look. Okay, that’s not entirely true; a little bit of facial hair on you is kind of sexy, so if I’d come into your coffee shop and you were my barista I may have been tempted to sleep with you, see what else you could brew up to satisfy me.” She makes a mental note to add that to their roleplaying repertoire. “But the point is the guy you are now is who I fell in love with. I wouldn’t want you to change just because revenge is now yours. And, Barney, if it helps I think maybe you did save the world after all. Just think of what Greg and the others like him at GNB would have gone on to do if you hadn’t stopped them.”

“That’s true,” Barney realizes. “And once I start working for a legitimate, legally sound company and have the power to make real change I can be all of those things rolled into one – a creative, inventive, corporate magician blogger who makes being a businessman awesome again – and actually do that for a living. At the very least I can always try it out for a year or so and see if I like it, and if I’m bored then I go work for the feds. But that’s only if you’re going to be happy here in New York as a home base.”

“Barney, I am.” It sounds perfect to her actually, a home in New York with plenty of traveling in between, both for business and pleasure. “I still want to see the world, but if I’m ever on a short few weeks assignment and you find you can’t get away, that’s okay. We can make that work.” She reaches up and tweaks the knot of his tie. “Just think of all the hot reunion sex we’d have.”

“And the crazy-intense goodbye sex before you left,” he seconds that, giving her a heated smile. “But with me in charge now I’ll be making a lot of my own rules and my own hours, which means I can get extended time away even more easily than I could before, so there’s no reason I couldn’t go with you almost all of the time.”

“It sounds like we’ve got it all figured out,” Robin points out.

Barney smiles, relieved that they’ve been able to so easily feel this through and that the question of their future has been settled to both their satisfaction.

“So you’re really doing this?” she grins playfully. “Am I sleeping with and married to the head of GNB’s East Coast operations?

“I think you are, yes.”

She hums approvingly, inching nearer to him on the couch. “That makes you a very powerful man….with control over hundreds of bathroom keys,” Robin purrs. “I bet you could tell thousands of people what they can and can’t do.”

“That’s right, baby. I can,” Barney murmurs hotly, and she looks at him like she wants to devour him on the spot. He moves his hand to her thigh, pleased that she’s wearing a dress and he can touch her bare. “I am so lucky to have a wife with this many fetishes.”

She laughs, leaning in to kiss him lightly. “And you can still be Fire Eagle too. At least in the bedroom.” She leans back in for another longer kiss, this time fisting his tie in her hand and using it to pull him even closer. Slowly easing back, she asks him, “So what do you want to do tonight to commemorate this? Dinner at your favorite steakhouse, the bar or maybe the cigar club afterwards, and then back home for celebratory sex?” She looks over at him with a naughty, mischievous glimmer in her eyes. “Or…..or….do you wanna have the celebratory sex now?” Robin tempts him, playfully calling back to their earlier days when every attempt at a serious conversation – or just about anything – always devolved into sex on the spot. “And then some more celebratory sex again later after all that other stuff,” she adds.

Barney grins, pulling them both up from the couch. “I have my revenge and a kickass new job. I’m Barney Stinson and fully awesome with the hottest, most perfect wife in existence. I love my life!”

“Come on,” Robin smirks seductively, taking his hand and leading him toward their bedroom. “You’re about to love it even more….”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: The part about Robin getting Barney back with a Space Teens reunion is meant to take place on the same night as the flash forward in 9.05 and that’s why it was just Barney alone with Lily at the bar.

On a little editorial note, I’m still behind the episodes at the moment anyway so I’m not sure it will matter, but as we’re (so sadly!) coming up on the series finale I’m going to purposefully stay behind so I can write with the bigger picture in mind and keep my story as canon as possible. For a while now I’ve been considering the merits of waiting until we see the ending to finish my story, and the very odd flash forward in 9.18 settled it for me. I’ll still be able to safely write 9.16 and 9.17 in the next couple of weeks but, just in case, I think it’s the best idea to stop at that point until we’ve seen all the “twists” of how the show ends. After that I’ll post the rest of the story up to the end of the series, and then I hope to start on my AU in April that I’ve now firmly decided will be called “A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings”.

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.15, Part One

2014-03-04T16:44:06Z

Previous Chapters

Unpause

Back inside the Farhampton Inn bar once again, Robin goes straight to their table while Barney gets them two more scotches. Carrying their drinks over a minute later, he opts to sit down next to Ted since this may be his last chance to do so for a very long time.

Because Ted’s leaving the next day right after the wedding.

That fact is only just truly sinking in. The ceremony is all about him and Robin and their relationship, and the reception will likely go by in a blur, which means for all intents and purposes this is their last night together as bros before Ted moves away to Chicago. He will literally be gone by this time tomorrow, and the truth is Barney’s having a hard time handling that. He’d like to tell himself they can still call and text and email each other, that in today’s world of social networking and modern technology distance doesn’t have to mean anything if they don’t want it to. They can even share a drink via FaceTime. It won’t have to be all that different than they’ve been these past couple months. Except will any of those things be allowed? If Ted’s moving away to put some distance between himself, Robin, and her new husband does that mean he won’t want to talk to the new husband and have that reminder? After all, Robin’s going to be there with him. She’ll be his wife. It’s not like he’s never going to mention her or that he’ll send her out of the room so they can talk. The whole situation sucks, plain and simple.

He’d really like to be able to tell Robin and talk it over with her but he’s been sworn to secrecy, and he honestly doesn’t want to put on a damper on their wedding. Robin knows deep down how Ted feels about her, just like Barney did, but neither one of them wanted to have to face it. Now he’s already had that difficult task put on his shoulders but he wants her to have the reprieve and simplicity of not confronting that truth for a little while longer so she can enjoy their wedding day without this added burden. So while Marshall and Lily linger up at the bar enjoying each other’s company for the first time in a week, Barney just sits down next to Ted, enjoying his bro while he still can.

Making conversation, and because he genuinely wants to know, Barney asks the two of them if they can still see where Marshall slapped him. That not surprisingly unleashes a flurry of one-liners, and he looks fondly over at his fiancée as she teases him about the handprint still on his face. “A simple yes would have sufficed,” he retorts with barely concealed amusement, taking another drink.

It’s 1:47 in the morning and Barney’s actually imbibed quite a bit by this point. He’d had some drinks over at the rink during the rehearsal dinner, and when they returned to the hotel he spent the next few hours drinking with Ted and Darren. After that Marshall finally came back and they all went out on the porch where Barney and Robin got to enjoy a glass of replacement 30 year Glen McKenna before Darren broke the bottle. From there the whole gang went inside for a round of 35 year that Barney managed to drink half of before Marshall started trying to slap him. And now he’s back to yet another glass of scotch.

He’s definitely feeling it but he doesn’t mind because, the whole Ted situation aside, he’s just so damn happy – and the booze even helps those parts of him that are sad about Ted. “Damn, this really is smooth,” he salutes the scotch, having another sip. “And I need it too after what just happened out there,” he says, shuddering.

“Hey, I thought you barely felt it?” Robin questions with a smile.

“If he told you that he’s lying,” Ted puts in. Turning to Barney now, he informs him, “Marshall slapped you so hard I half expected his hand to come out of your other cheek.”

“Okay,” Barney protests, “it wasn’t that hard.”

“That’s not what the handprint on your face is saying,” Ted mocks.

“Much as I hate to admit it, Teddy Westside kinda has a point,” Robin agrees.

“No,” Barney protests. “No, it’s – Look, guys, when someone is this awesome they’re impervious to pain. The awesome gland blocks it out.”

“Oh come on, Barney,” Robin softly coaxes, “you do have a bright red handprint on your face. That had to hurt at least a little.”

“Alright, maybe there was a tiny bit of perfectly reasonable and manly pain,” he allows in the face of her gentleness. “….And now I have to have a giant Marshall handprint on my face the night before our wedding.” He throws back a big gulp of scotch, wiping his mouth on his hand.

“It’s not that bad,” Robin offers, nodding her support. “It’s fading.”

Barney looks to Ted for the cold, hard truth. “Ted, is it fading?”

“Um....”

“Okay, time to go to bed,” Robin interrupts excitedly. It’s best Barney not know the answer anyway. Looking to him, she smiles happily. “Big day tomorrow.”

Barney grins and toasts his glass out to her, enthusiastically echoing the sentiment. Smiling to his best man as they stand up to leave, he pauses to finish off his drink – and that inadvertently allows just enough time for Marshall to come walking over with a tray full of additional rounds for them all.

“Screw tomorrow. We go big tonight, huh?”

Barney looks to Ted and then to Robin, opening his arms in celebration. “We go big tonight!” he and Ted agree in unison, because he’s getting married in the morning and all his friends are finally here and why not have another round of drinks? What could it hurt?

Robin isn’t sure of the wisdom in this. It’s 2 a.m. and their getting married the next day. Plus they have the family photos at the lighthouse first thing in the morning. They should be getting some sleep right now…..But Marshall did only just get here. They’ve barely had any time with the gang all together. So she sits back down next to Barney and grabs herself another drink.

All five of them start to catch back up – what went on during Marshall’s crazy road trip odyssey, what’s been happening in Farhampton this weekend that he missed, how little Marvin is doing, and so forth. As the conversation progresses Barney feels increasingly fuzzy and out of it, noticing for the millionth time how pretty Robin is. It’s taking all he has simply to focus on the actual words Marshall is saying as he pulls out a tote bag full of things he took from Ted’s childhood home.

Robin, for her part, is enjoying herself immensely. Leaning into Barney and laughing hysterically along with him at Ted’s embarrassing souvenirs, her qualms about an early bedtime are forgotten and it’s all fun and laughter.

Until Barney starts talking in his Jabba voice.

She’d noticed that for the past fifteen minutes at least he’d slipped into his “I’m drunk” laugh, but whenever he reaches Jabba the Hutt level he is deep in. That’s the highest level of Barney drunkenness that exists – past Richard Dawson Drunk, past Big Plans with Strangers Drunk, and even past Marcel Marceau Drunk. Jabba Drunk is so drunk that Barney can’t even speak intelligibly. It’s just one step away from actually passing out. And now she knows it really is time to end the evening. “Okay, we have to go to bed,” Robin insists. “Big day tomorrow,” she reminds the group, slapping her palms on the table as a call to order.

Ignoring her, Marshall brings over yet another tray of booze. Robin nevertheless takes Barney’s arm and tries to lead him away, but he’s already reaching for a fresh drink. Lily has more success wrangling Marshall upstairs and, left alone, Ted, Barney, and a reluctant Robin sit back down.

“Alright,” she gives in. “I guess one more drink won’t hurt. But as soon as you finish that, we all go up to bed.” Barney growls out a few more sentences of gibberish and then makes quick work of his Glen McKenna. As he’s downing the last sip, now with his eyes no longer even open, Robin repeats, “Okay, we have to go to bed”, this time putting her hand on his shoulder to get her point across as she stands up.

Barney stands with her, and it seems that all will be well. He’ll go up to Ted’s room, sleep it off, and be fine in the morning like every other time she’s seen him this drunk.…..Except that it’s not. Because now Barney is in an eerie daze. All Robin can do is stand there and look at him wonderingly as he volunteers awkward personal grooming information he’d normally keep to himself.

Barney calmly smiles back at her as she asks him why he’d tell them this. He’s not embarrassed by the information he’s shared at all. He feels weird, it’s true, but in a good, laidback, mellow way. It’s like he’s transcended simply being drunk and landed in this strange place of peace and clarity where all artifice falls away leaving nothing but the pure truth in its wake.

“Oh my god, Robin,” Ted gasps. “Barney has reached a whole new level. He’s Truth Serum Drunk. He can’t lie.”

“….So we can finally get the answers we’ve always been wondering about,” Robin realizes, blinking as the full breadth of that sets in.

She scratches her neck contemplatively, weighing over what she should do. It’s their wedding day tomorrow. Both of them should be getting sleep, and if Barney keeps drinking he’s likely to have a mean hangover in the morning. But a chance like this doesn’t come along every day. In fact it’s come along never. Now is the only time to find out every little thing she’s always wondered about and have the guarantee that he’s being 100% honest without sugarcoating or exaggerating or trying to spare her feelings or being cagey in the least. This is an opportunity that’s beyond rare, one that’s just too good to pass up. “Screw tomorrow. We go big tonight.”

She sits him back down, pats Barney’s shoulder, and endeavors to figure this thing out. Ted claims that Barney is Truth Serum Drunk, meaning he’ll answer any question they ask him with the absolute uncensored truth. Well, she’s going to test that and make sure it works. Stroking his shoulder again, she sweetly asks, “Honey?”

Even though he’s so drunk his eyes are crossed Barney still looks to her warmly when she addresses him.

“When that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, did two mosquitos really fly into your eyes at the same time?” That was his story when it happened two and a half weeks ago and he’s doggedly insisted on it ever since, reminding her every few days that “that one time with that song, it was just mosquitos”, despite the fact it’s an obvious lie.

What really happened is this: they were enjoying a mellow Wednesday evening after work, waiting for their takeout to arrive. She’d slipped out of her heels, he’d turned on the Bluetooth speakers to listen to some internet radio, and the sunset was so beautiful that they’d both gone out on the balcony to enjoy their scotches while admiring the city. Barney claimed he’d let Pandora randomly pick the station but she wasn’t even sure if that’s possible – and a suspicious amount of love songs kept coming on. Then, when Bryan Adams starting playing, things got really interesting….

May 8^th

Barney’s been keeping it cool, trying to play off the fact that he purposefully tuned into the love songs station. But they’re getting married in only a couple of weeks and he’s feeling romantic….possibly even a bit uncharacteristically emotional. Finally getting everything you’ve ever wanted in life will do that to you.

Yet even when he hears the opening stains of the much maligned love theme he still holds it together just fine, thank you very much.

Look into my eyes and you will see what you mean to me.

But Robin is right there beside him after all this time, wearing his ring, and that alone is making it very hard to remain unemotional. Then she links her arm through his and he thinks, it’s true; if she turns and looks at me right now I know she’ll see pure love and adoration in my eyes.

The sun is just setting, turning the sky breathtaking shades of pink and yellow, and with Robin on his arm Barney starts really listening to the lyrics – and falling apart little by little.

She softly leans her temple against his shoulder and he feels the line There’s no love like your love and no other could give more love deep in his soul. And after the bridge, when Bryan launches into the refrain I would fight for you, I’d lie for you, walk the wire for you, yeah I’d die for you, Barney’s eyes tear up because he knows in the profoundest part of him that he would do all of that and more for Robin, to keep Robin, to make Robin happy.

By the time the last line is sung forth – You know it’s true; everything I do, I do it for you – Barney understands the song for the first time in his life and those tears trickle over, leaking ever so slightly from his eyes to dampen his lashes.

Looking up at him, Robin asks in amazement, “Barney….are you crying?”

“N-no,” he quickly recovers. But it’s too late; she’s already seen. “It – it was just….” He sniffs. “….It was the weirdest thing. These two mosquitos just flew into both my eyes at the exact same time. That’s why they’re watering,” he explains insistently.

To his relief, Robin doesn’t argue the point or tease him. She simply smiles, cups his face, and wipes his eyelashes with her thumbs. Her skin comes away wet from his tears but all she says is, “Sometimes those mosquitos will get you.” With such love, she softly kisses his mouth, telling him, “The same thing happened to me when I went in for my final dress fitting yesterday….”

So when Barney smiles widely and freely admits the mosquito story was false and that he actually “got all choked up thinking about how everything he does he does it for her” Robin knows this truth serum thing must be for real.

Laughing a little at the opportunity before her, she’s almost overwhelmed at the possibilities, not knowing where to begin. There are so many little things over the years, stories and bragging she’s always wondered at the truth of. But before she has a chance to decide what to ask first Ted bursts out the one question he’s always wondered: how far did Barney go with his mom? Robin didn’t ever want to know the answer to that since she still occasionally has to see the woman, but she’s pleased to hear it never went past kissing. And then it’s her turn.

The first question she goes with is something that bothered her to an alarming degree when it first happened. “How about that time you walked into the bar wearing Triple X-Ray goggles?”

It was just after she’d broken up with Nick and about a week before she and Barney went to the strip club and he kissed her. Barney had on an apparatus he claimed could see right through a woman’s clothes down to her bare breasts. Robin knew it was probably a lie – though with Barney you just can never tell after all the crazy things he’s invented – but it ate her up to the core that he didn’t even try to look at her. He just went straight to bending down and staring at Lily’s chest. When Robin questioned him about it he had the nerve to say, “Oh. Hey, Robin. Didn’t see you there”, which got her even more riled up; not only was he not examining her but he didn’t even notice her presence at all? She’d crossed her arms, regarding him in a huff, because if he was going to be creepy and try to look through clothing to see a woman naked it ought to be her he’s trying to ogle. But she was standing right there and he didn’t show her a smidgen of interest, not even sparing her a single glance. At the time all she could hear was his voice repeating in her mind ‘New is always better’ while jealously churned inside her.

But now he tells her the goggles were fake anyway, and with that petty little bit of feminine envy taken care of it’s time to get down to something important: the ring bear.

Barney grins at the question. The absolute truth of it will both frustrate and please her, which is one of his favorite states of emotion on Robin. He likes to get her all riled up – and appreciate the end result. However, before he can answer he dips back down to Jabba Drunk and Robin starts determinedly feeding him more drinks.

Just when they’ve got him back to Truth Serum Drunk, she tries asking again about the presence of a real, dangerous bear in their wedding ceremony but them Marshall comes in wearing only his bathrobe and interrupts, asking for help in bed.

Barney pulls out a bottle of pills from his suit jacket that he divulges he always keeps on hand and Robin’s eyes widen as she watches it go down. Early on, that very first time he’d wanted to use the pills with her to eliminate his refractory period, hours later and after several times they’d finally had enough for now and were lying in bed enjoying the easy intimacy of post lovemaking pillow talk. It’s at that time that she can get him to tell her nearly anything – and it goes both ways; their guards are just completely down and in the safety of their bed and each other’s arms, still enjoying the afterglow, it feels okay to be that open, vulnerable, and exposed with one another. He admitted to her then that, after Quinn, when he forced himself to return to rampant womanizing and sleeping with all those nannies he did need the pills at that time to perform at all. His heart was so not in it – so repulsed by it in fact – that he actually required the medication just to get and maintain an erection. Robin knows Barney must be truly drunk to be admitting even the possibility of that to Ted and Marshall. He swore her to secrecy over just his occasional recreational use of the sex aid with her because he knew he’d never hear the end of it if the others found out.

This Truth Serum thing is undeniably real, she recognizes, and it’s like gold. He’s just proven he’ll seriously tell you anything.

But then Ted asks about Barney’s yearly suit expenses and suddenly telling the absolute uncensored truth backfires on her when Barney blurts out that he’s not concerned about saving for the future “especially because Robin is massively wealthy”.

Her eyes widen again, this time in horror. That’s something she didn’t want any of the others to know.

She only just told Barney shortly after they got engaged, back at Christmastime. She’d never looked on it as a big deal herself. Sure, it will give her the ability to travel and have all the luxuries in life and never have to worry about her – now their – future, just like Barney said. But it’s an inheritance from both her dad and she doesn’t even collect it until he’s passed away, so it’s not as if she’s massively wealthy right now. Still, she knew it would change how the others view her. Without question they’d get weird around her if they found out – Ted most of all – which is why she never wanted them to ever hear about it. But she can’t very well be mad at Barney when he doesn’t even know what he’s saying and isn’t in control of his faculties, particularly when she just helped keep him that way. Sober, she knows he would never have told, but now it’s out there and she’ll have to deal with it.

She tries to downplay the actual amount by pretending she doesn’t know how much it is but Barney inconveniently fills in the sky-high figure and predictably Ted Teds out. He’s so petty and strange about money, adding up the pennies spent on her back when they were together years and years ago, making her feel like a prostitute. Barney on the other hand never treated her differently at all. When she told him he’d merely said “awesome” and then kept right on paying for dinner and drinks like he always did.

When Robin finally manages to get back ahold of the conversation again she steers it around to a shared topic of curiosity: Barney’s sexcapade stories over the years and if they were true. How many times has he really gone in one night – a question from Ted; Robin already knew the answer since it was with her; how many women has he slept with in one family; which famous figures and celebrities he’s actually banged. They slip in something non sex related – did he go to MIT – and then Barney volunteers the number of times he’s had sex in Ted’s bed. Robin holds her breath, knowing the unadulterated truth surrounding that will cause World War III, but she’s glad that he keeps it to himself and doesn’t spill that one of those times was with her. They never would have lived that down.

Ted takes a deep breath, processing all that he’s learned. “I think I’ve just got one question left and it’s a biggie: Barney Stinson, what do you do for a living?”

Part Two

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.14

2014-02-19T18:39:43Z

Previous Chapters

AN: This episode was not a favorite of mine and other than 9.17’s scene of Robin floating off like a balloon (easily the most painful and embarrassing-to-watch moment of the entire series) 9.14 felt like probably the most silly and juvenile this show has ever gone. With that said, I did what I could with it, focusing on the overall concept of the slap bet, the slap in the present, and some other aspects of that flashback and did my best to avoid dealing with Marshall’s tale (which is where it all fell apart and why the show took heat for it on Twitter).

Also in this chapter (as well as the previous one) I refer to this slap as the third slap. The creators confessed they messed up the slap number by calling it four. There are a grand total of eight slaps in the slap bet and depending on how you look at it this slap should either be slap number seven (if you count them all together) or slap number three (if you count the ducky tie arrangement in “Disaster Averted” as a separate bet of four slaps). I myself tend to see it as the number of slaps Marshall has left and with Season 7’s adjustment he had four slaps remaining – meaning in “Disaster Averted” he used up slaps number one and two, this would be slap number three, leaving only slap number four as the last and final one to satisfy the bet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warning: This is a T rated story but this chapter does include a section that pushes that rating with a frank discussion of things of a sexual nature as well as a brief but graphic love scene, so if anyone has an issue with that this is my warning to you. But please note I did not just throw this in here gratuitously. It derives from something mentioned on the show itself and I think both the discussion and the scene speak to who Barney and Robin are as a couple and how much they love each other. That’s why I felt in this case the graphic nature was necessary both for realism and to get those points across.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra

Inside the bar of the Farhampton Inn just seventeen hours before the wedding, Marshall’s hand seems to be moving in slow motion towards Barney’s face and it takes him and Robin back to another night three weeks earlier where this all began.

Technically it began a year and a half ago, on the night they cheated together, when Marshall won the three additional slaps, bringing his total to four.

Or, if you want to get even more technical, it all truly began six and a half years prior when Barney and Marshall bet over Robin’s reluctance to go to the mall.

But the origins of the terror of this particular slap can be traced to that earlier night at MacLaren’s. That was the night Marshall put the greatest of his mind games into motion…..

May 3^rd

Robin just got home from WWN and she’s grabbing a sparkling water from the fridge – waiting to get her real drink on until they go meet the others – when her phone rings and she pulls it out, answering without looking.

“Hey, Robin. Is Barney there?” Marshall’s voice comes back congenially from the other side.

“No, he’s still at work. Why? Isn’t he answering his phone?” she wonders, assuming Marshall called her cell looking for Barney after he couldn’t reach him on his.

“I don’t know. I actually wanted to talk to you.”

That strikes her as a little odd. After their whole mermaid and manatee thing of a couple years back, she and Marshall got close enough to actually chat a little on the phone before he passed it off to Lily, and they can always bond about the frigidness of Upper Midwestern and Canadian winters and the glory of subsequent outdoor winter sports. They have some fun together sometimes, but she and Marshall are almost certainly the least close of the entire group and it’s not like them to have gabfests. “Okay,” Robin responds, intrigued. “What about?”

“I already talked to Lily and Ted but I’ll need your cooperation at the bar tonight too,” he expounds. “As you know, I have two slaps left in my bet with Barney and – ”

“Marshall,” Robin interrupts warily, “are you going to slap him tonight?”

Robin’s feelings on the slap bet have grown increasingly mixed with time. She was okay with it at first. It didn’t seem unduly harsh to Barney; he’d lost fair and square in a bet of his own choosing. And she could see how it was a friendship and, even more so, a guy thing. Besides, she’d been brought up in a culture that was comfortable with that sort of roughhousing and brutality. She even finds fighting sexy.

But as time went on the slaps seemed to grow increasingly violent – like during Barney’s one-man robot show where Marshall hit him so hard it knocked him forcefully down onto the stage, or a couple years later when Marshall actually physically tied Barney down to a chair.

Or maybe it’s not that the slaps themselves got more violent. Maybe it’s just because her feelings for Barney grew and intensified over the years until she was madly in love with him and that’s the true reason the slap bet now rubs her the wrong way. Because as much as she finds fighting sexy, she doesn’t like violence when it comes to Barney. Black eyes and bruises on Barney now leave her somewhere between incredibly turned on and terribly concerned for him. If he was the one doing the slapping that would be a different story; it would just be plain sexy. But when he’s the one taking the hits she’s caught in a confusing middle territory her body doesn’t know what to do with. And just for his own safety she’d rather he avoid that kind of violence altogether.

However she tries not to let her love and feelings of fierce protection toward Barney cloud her mind from remembering that the slap bet is something Barney voluntarily entered into and at its heart, above all else, it’s a male friendship thing that she doesn’t want to get in the middle of or disrupt. But that doesn’t make it any easier to know she’s going to have to watch her fiancé get brutally slapped tonight.

Then Marshall answers back, setting her mind temporarily at ease. “No, not now. Tonight’s not worthy of a slap. Not anywhere close. I’m saving my penultimate slap for the wedding weekend, a very fitting wedding present as it were. Tonight is the beginning of the buildup, the torture, the suspense. You can’t just halfheartedly slap a bro across the face at his wedding,” he states obviously, as if it’s common knowledge. “There has to be some lead-up, some tense anticipation, some mental torment – you know, to show him that you care.”

As incongruent as that reasoning might seem to others, it actually leaves Robin feeling even better about this. When Marshall puts it that way it makes her realize that ultimately the slap bet – or at least this particularly slap, anyway – is not that different from the way the two of them run surprise pranks on each other. There’s no physical violence to theirs but it has at times put them through the emotional ringer, like she did to him with “The Barney”. But it’s always worth it for the surprise in the end and, more to the point, it’s a form of showing how greatly they love each other that they would go to such lengths and plan it all out so meticulously just to give the other a kickass surprise worthy of something they themselves would – and have – done.

“Barney is the master at stuff like this,” Marshall continues. “I’ve gotta go all out if I’m gonna be in the same league. That’s why I’ve got an elaborate backstory planned that will tie in to the delivery of the slap in Farhampton. I even had Carl put in a prop jukebox for the night. The whole thing is going to be legendary if I do say so myself. Barney’s gonna love it.”

He will and Robin knows it. Someone else pulling off an epic prank on him along the same lines as his own is the sincerest form of flattery for Barney, even if it does end in a slap. Such care being put into this wedding slap elevates into something even more meaningful than the typical male hijinks of the original slap bet.

“Alright, I’m in,” she agrees. “What do I have to do?”

“Nothing. Just play along. Agree with everything I say, act like it’s common place and absolutely real.”

“Okay. I can do that….”

And so the stage is set for MacLaren’s an hour and a half later.

Robin recognizes her place in this and she plays it well, not so much as whispering a hint to Barney of what’s to come tonight, but she and all of the others know and from the moment they arrive at the bar they’re waiting for their cue.

Barney remains entirely clueless, merely enjoying his night out with all of the gang together, something that’s become more of a rarity as of late. At the moment he’s distracted and appalled by Marshall spilling his dinner on himself, not once but twice. There’s no call for that, and if Bro Bibs had taken off Marshall wouldn’t be in this position. Yet when Lily starts to blot at the stain with a wet napkin Barney owes it to all suitkind to insult Marshall’s sorry excuse for a suit as not worth saving anyway. And despite the subsequent reveal that Lily actually bought that suit for Marshall, making it a double insult on their friends, Robin can’t fight her own amusement at her fiancé’s jokes and eventually has to hide her mouth behind her hand to disguise her laughter.

But this is all a part of Marshall’s plan. He knew Barney would call his now-soiled discount suit “a slap in the face” to other suits and that would be the perfect opening to start taunting him on their slap bet. After all it’s been a year and a half since the last slap. It’s time to reinvigorate the fear.

“Ah, yes,” Marshall jumps in smugly. “Barney, there’s something I need to tell you about the next slap that you’re going to receive.”

Hearing this, Barney tilts his head back knowingly. Of course that’s what this is about. He should have known. But he just smiles like it ain’t no thing.

At the mention of a slap Robin, meanwhile, looks shrewdly to Ted because they both were waiting for this.

“You see,” Marshall taunts him, “I want this slap to be as painful as humanly possible.”

Barney’s no idiot. He recognizes what Marshall is doing. He’ll even go a step further and acknowledge that, yes, the slap bet was won fair and square. His future wife is no pornographer – at least not a professional one; their private collection is a different story. But despite the great slaps Marshall’s gotten in over the years Barney has a unique defense. He insists Marshall’s now tormented him too much and made him immune to it all. “It’s as if my face, my psyche, my soul were covered in that numbing cream we all put on our deal so that we can go all night. Am I right fellas?”

All the others give him odd, vaguely creeped-out stares. Robin looks awkward on his behalf and fiddles with her necklace uncomfortably, embarrassed for him. Much like his sex with a Stormtrooper fantasy, though again Barney clearly doesn’t realize it, this is yet another thing that’s unique to him alone – yes, he’s the weird one – and she gives it only a few seconds before they all start mocking him and pointing out as much. She tries shaking her head on his behalf, helping him out here by mouthing ‘no’ of course he doesn’t do that. And she honestly never has known him to. But unfortunately Barney doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone and obliviously goes on and on with other outrageous sex things he swears they’ve all done. She’s about to stop him and save him any further embarrassment when Ted beats her to it.

Thankfully, they all just let it go and Marshall continues with his slap intimidation. He grants that Barney is correct about his resistance to the usual taunts, and indeed Marshall does know Barney’s grown impervious to his past antics. That’s the very reason he came up with this new idea. And to milk it for all it’s worth, he launches into his grandiose and convoluted tale. It all starts with him seeking to study how to become a slap master, first at a martial arts studio where he’s turned away and then from a mysterious young boy who sends him on an odyssey to master “the slap of a million exploding suns”, a journey which begins in Shanghai.

The story is ridiculous, as Barney points out: there’s no way Marshall could have gone to Shanghai last year for an extended period and nobody noticed; the existence of an “fabled slapping tree” in Gongqing Forest that literally slaps people is preposterous; the hand-shaped “Slap Mountain” in China is even worse; Marshall cheating on Lily by banging White Flower and Lily just being okay with the affair is equally absurd; Marshall’s hand turning yellow and glowing hot enough that he can warm pizza by it is like something straight out of a poorly-done comic book; Marshall accidentally slapping the heart right out of The Calligrapher’s body defies all human anatomy. And the whole thing is a loose rip-off of Kill Bill anyway.

But the others accept it despite the ludicrousness and it messes with Barney’s mind, the very fact that no one else is questioning the validity of his story. He knows Marshall’s just trying to freak him out. He knows that……But it’s honestly kind of working. Destroying the jukebox with a single, powerful slap is the most effective mind game of all. Logically Barney understands that none of it can be true, and yet with the others fully believing– and actually corroborating – it the whole things seems more convincing. Even Carl is initially upset at the ruination of his $8000 jukebox.

So, yeah, Marshall’s getting all up in his head…..and maybe subconsciously Barney is letting himself buy into it a little too – and get all worked up and play right along. Because that’s the fun of the slap bet and what really makes it all possible: playing along. For as much as he complains against it, he always willingly plays along with it just as much as the others. Even more so. And he allows it to happen, following the rules of the slap bet dutifully. This bet has been going on for years now and it’s become a thing of male camaraderie and bonding between him and Marshall, and to a lesser extent with the entire group, so naturally he goes along with it and even secretly likes to.

When I slap you it shall be beneath a willow tree with four women and a tiger. The rest of the night Marshall’s prophecy haunts him – 40% because he genuinely doesn’t want to get slapped but 60% because he allows it to.

When they leave the bar and begin the twenty-three minute cab ride, Barney immediately starts in. “Can you believe Marshall back there?”

Robin just shakes her head. She doesn’t want to say too much and outright lie to him about it. After all, regardless of Marshall asking for her cooperation, her true loyalty lies with her fiancé. But she doesn’t want to spoil the game of it either.

At her lack of response, Barney pushes harder. “That story was ridiculous….Right?” he questions, a touch of nervousness creeping into his voice.

“It seemed pretty implausible,” she agrees.

“Thank you.”

“But who can really say?” she adds noncommittally. “Remember the cockamouse? I never would have believed that if I hadn’t seen it for myself, so who knows what’s possible in this world? And if there’s something weird out there, Marshall’s the guy to find out. I mean finding a slapping tree or an oddly-shaped mountain is nothing next to Nessie or a Sasquatch. Maybe the tree just has thick branches and they snap back and smack people and that’s why they think it’s slapping them?”

Okay, so it’s possible that reasoning could make sense, but that doesn’t explain the rest of it. “Yeah but Shanghai? China? Cleveland?” Barney asks aghast. “Last year Marshall had a pregnant wife and then a newborn baby. Like he’d be traveling around the world.”

“He could have been exaggerating about the year part,” Robin suggests. “It might have been just a few days.”

“And how did we not know he was gone?” Barney reasons.

“Well, the baby was so little and barely sleeping back then. He kept Marshall and Lily busy around the clock. There were times throughout the summer when we easily didn’t see Marshall for an entire week.” Barney frowns, supposing that’s true. “And last year you and I were preoccupied with our own stuff. Ted too. I guess we could have missed it.”

This talk is only making Barney more agitated. He expected her to laugh along with him at the absurdity of Marshall’s story, but she’s only made it sound more believable. “Forget the plausibility of it. Do you think Marshall’s lying?” Before she even has a chance to respond, he tensely jumps back in with, “I think he’s lying. You think he’s lying too, right? Don’t you?” he asks a bit desperately.

“He’s got you all worked up,” Robin observes with a grin. She slides her hand over his shoulder, softly caressing him just like she did when Marshall got up to go ‘break’ the jukebox – a move she knew was coming – and Barney looked at her with pure anxiety in his eyes. Though she knows it’s all a game and all about playing along she still can’t resist the urge to give him at least a little comfort. “It’s just a silly slap.” After a moment’s hesitation he nods and seems to calm down a bit, until she innocently adds, “Even if it is with the fierceness of a million exploding suns.”

Barney’s eyes widen and he frantically gasps, “And I have no idea when it’s coming!”

“Shh,” she soothes him, rubbing his shoulder some more. “Whenever it happens, I’ll kiss it better,” she promises, her tone mildly suggestive, and it draws a soft smile to his lips.

“Your tree-way joke was solid,” he compliments her.

“Thank you.” She curls her hand around his leg, gently patting his thigh. “Just try to forget about it, okay?”

“Psh, it’s forgotten. Not thinking about it at all…..Except, you know, if it was real,” he fretfully adjoins, “the way he destroyed the jukebox, that could do some serious damage to a man’s face – and a face this handsome should never even be scratched! You don’t want to be married to someone who’s horribly disfigured.”

“I’d love you anyway,” Robin assures him. “And I highly doubt Marshall’s slap could horribly disfigure you.”

“You’re right. You’re right,” Barney exhales deeply. “This will be slap number, what? Seven? I survived the rest with just a little bit of redness. You couldn’t even tell later that night…..Yeah. It’ll be good.”

She smiles over at him. “Are you sure it’s not freaking you out even just a little? Cause you seemed kind of anxious back there. And in here,” she quietly appends.

“Me?” he stresses incredulously. “No way. I am not freaking out. Everything about his story was clearly fictitious. Speed, strengthen, and accuracy? Yeah right. Accuracy? I’ve stood next to the man at a urinal; it’s no wonder Lily’s always cleaning her bathroom floor. And strengthen? Okay, I’ll give him that. The man looks like he’s a cousin to Paul Bunyan. But speed? Righht,” he laughs. “The only thing Marshall’s ever fast at is banging Lily. Ho!” He raises his hand for a high five that Robin gives him with a little smirk.

“So we’re agreed then,” she states. “It’s no big deal and we don’t have to think about it anymore.”

“Absolutely.”

And that seems to be the end of it. Once they get home they both change into their pajamas – Barney shirtless with dark grey pinstripe pajama bottoms and Robin in a lavender nightgown – and go out to the living room to catch up on some shows they’ve DVR’d before heading to bed. Barney sits down on the end of the couch and Robin lies across it with her head on a pillow in his lap and it’s a calm and peaceful way to wind down the night.

Until his voice jars her from the program that at least she’d been watching. “There’s no way that jukebox was real,” he contests, back on the slapping story. “I don’t care what Marshall says. He just got Carl to go along with it.”

The fact that he won’t let this go lets her know he’s been stewing over it all this time. “Barney – ”

“And, please, like that man’s ever had ‘much gold’ a day in his life,” he scoffs.

Robin turns over so she’s lying on her back looking up at him. “You’re really worried about this, aren’t you?” she asks, slightly amused.

“Well….yes,” he finally owns up to it. “How could I not be? Marshall’s hand is the size of one and half – maybe two – normal man’s hands. Do you know what that feels like coming down full force against your cheek?”

She reaches up and strokes his face. “Happily, no. I don’t.”

“And I lied, Robin,” he confesses disconcertedly. “My face is not immune like the numbing cream.”

“Yeah.” She sits up completely now, turning her body on the couch to face him. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of the others, but what was that about?”

“What do you mean?” Barney asks, confused. “It’s numbing cream. A guy has to put it on his – ”

“I understand how it works,” she interrupts him before he goes into the details.

He shrugs. “It’s just a thing all guys do from time to time.”

“Barney, no, it isn’t,” she breaks it to him. “And you and I have ‘gone all night’ plenty of times, and we don’t have to use protection – which means you’ve never used numbing cream with me, at least not after we got engaged. I would’ve noticed since it would’ve rubbed off and numbed me too. Not to mention we’re together the whole time. It’s not like you go off into another room beforehand. And we do it in the shower; we do it after I’ve only just undressed you. I couldn’t possibly miss it if you suddenly stopped to put cream on.” Robin pauses, eyeing him inquisitively. “So what’s the deal there? Pun intended,” she smirks.

“You and I have sex many times throughout the night,” he corrects her. “But we’ve never literally gone all night.”

Her forehead crinkles in bewilderment. “As in the same, one single time lasting all night?”

“Well not literally all night, but for a very long time.”

“Why would you even want that?” she wonders, perplexed. “It can’t be for you. With deadening cream on you weren’t feeling it…..So it must be for the girl. Meaning you didn’t use it with one of your skanks. You wouldn’t care about performance with them.”

“Hey, Barney Stinson always cares about performance.”

“But not enough to numb yourself. And that’s just it.” She shakes her head, flummoxed. “Barney, you don’t have a problem with stamina. I’ve been with other guys who have but, trust me, you don’t have that problem.”

“Damn right I don’t. I regularly outlast you three to one.”

“Almost always two to one, yes.” Robin can’t speak to his experience with other women but from their very first time all the way to the present Barney has always been very attentive to her. He makes sure she gets off before he does, and their sessions quite often include bringing her to climax one way or another before actual intercourse has even started. And it’s not uncommon that during intercourse he’ll outlast her orgasm and continue on, bringing her to yet another as he’s having his. It is true that in Robin’s limited ‘girl talk’ over the years she’s come to the conclusion that she’s more sexually responsive than a lot of other women are. She never has trouble and can orgasm quite easily – all the more so with Barney – which explains her open attitude toward sex; she enjoys it just as much as men. But even so, even if she is quick to orgasm, actual sex between them – whether it’s rough and ready, hot and dirty, wild and kinky, or tender lovemaking – lasts a normal to longer than average amount of time so she can’t imagine there’s an issue with Barney. “And since you don’t have a problem and it wasn’t bringing you any pleasure, you must have been doing it for a girlfriend because she wanted you to........And I can’t imagine Nora – ”

“It was Quinn, okay,” he reluctantly confesses. “….Our relationship was mostly sex – well, sex and me trying to move on from you. Especially by the end, sex was all we had. She wanted it, and she wanted it to be longer and longer and would even make a few cracks about Lil’ Barney if I was the first to go off. I tried some pills but that wasn’t enough for her. That’s why I started using the numbing cream so that the one time could last for hours.”

Robin already knew about the pills. He still occasionally uses them with her. Not that he needs them. He gets hard for her more quickly and easily than any man she’s ever been with. But Barney himself likes to use them from time to time because as a man who doesn’t actually need them the pills have the pleasant side effect of completely eliminating his refractory period, allowing him to almost instantly start back up again and experience multiple orgasms along with her. Since that’s his choice and he’s obviously enjoying it she doesn’t see the problem, but what he’s describing now is entirely different.

“None of that sounds very good for you,” Robin empathizes, shocked that he doesn’t seem to realize the outrage of it himself. “I mean didn’t she at least want you to be able to get off on it? How could she enjoy it with you not feeling a thing? And, frankly, after too long without stopping a girl’s lady parts have got to be sore.”

“Yeah, I don’t think she liked it either,” Barney concedes. “But it wasn’t about liking it. It was a competition. We each had to prove we were better at it than the other. If she could outlast me without ever coming it was a jab at my masculinity and my ability to satisfy her, and that made her feel superior.”

“Barney,” Robin puts her hand on his chest, edging closer to him on the couch, “that’s awful. I mean it’s really messed up. Sex is a lot of things but it shouldn’t be a competition. And certainly not sex with your fiancée.” Looping her arms up around his neck, she smiles warmly. “I like the way we do it. As many times as we want, both of us responding to each other, and just enjoying ourselves – however long it lasts. And, yes,” she reiterates before he even asks, “it’s always long enough to satisfy me; you know that. Promise me you’ll never try using any numbing cream again.”

His features soften and melt the way they only do for her and he gives her a lopsided smile. “If that’s what you want, I promise.”

“Of course that’s what I want.” Sure, she likes to experiment almost as much as he does and she has some very particular kinks, but she can’t even imagine forcing him to do something he’d find no pleasure in at all – and, moreover, only doing it just to make him feel inferior and emasculated. “No more of that. Ever.”

It does Barney’s heart good to know that even in this uncomfortable and potentially humiliating discussion Robin feels such tremendous caring toward him, expressing such loving concern and clearly very troubled over his mistreatment. It engulfs him in a rush of tenderness for her that makes him want to show her how much he appreciates her and cares for her right back.

He grins at her flirtatiously and runs his hand from her shoulder down her side to her waist and hip, coming to rest against her thigh softly stroking her bare skin. “Look at you,” he admires with playful affection, “so concerned about my sexual enjoyment.”

“Not just sexually,” Robin tells him, trying to make him understand just how messed up his previous situation was. “Barney, that couldn’t have been good for you emotionally or psychologically either.”

He regards her with a mischievously heated gaze. “Well I’m interested in your sexual enjoyment….” He drops the pillow from his lap onto the floor and reaches forward, grabbing the remote and turning off the TV. “….Right now.”

Sliding down onto his knees on the floor in front of her, Barney sets his hands to Robin’s knees and spreads them apart. Then he takes hold of her hips and pulls them to the edge of the cushion. He starts kissing his way up each of her thighs, first one and then the other, taking his time and teasing her with his lips and with soft brushes of his fingers but only on her inner thighs, just barely shying away from where she no doubt really wants him. He keeps playing with her this way, tantalizing her, until he can actually hear her heavy breath in the silence of the room. It’s only then that he pushes up on his knees, nudging her nightgown up past her stomach and dropping a string of warm, soft kisses beneath her belly button as he tucks his fingers into her underwear and pulls them down her legs.

Once he has her naked from the waist down he glances up at her naughtily, his eyes meeting and holding hers. The look that’s in them is pure love and pure lust all rolled into one and it makes her knees weak before he’s even done anything to her. But he’s only just getting started and after one more moment of taking in the mirroring look in her eyes he dips his head and brings his mouth down against her heat. Her head drops back against the couch and her eyes fall closed, the sounds of her soft moans now filling the room. She quickly loses all track of time and place and conscious thought and even of herself, just giving over completely to the sensation of him loving her. What could be a minute later – or five; she’s that far gone – with his tongue swirling inside her she loses track of everything, blacking out to anything other than the churning waves of pleasure pulling her body tight, leaving her shaking and writhing beneath his lips as she falls into white hot ecstasy.

When Robin gradually returns to awareness Barney kisses her one last time before raising his head to smile devastatingly up at her. Then he gets up and sits back down close beside her on the couch, kissing a path up her neck to her lips. She can feel his erection nudging against her as he leans into her body and she only has one thought in mind: to love him half as good as he just loved her – because he’s right; she is concerned for his sexual enjoyment.

Gently pulling away, Robin echoes his earlier move, sliding down onto her knees before him and dropping kisses down his chest and stomach teasingly, tracing over his abs with her lips. Slowly and deliberately she removes his pajama bottoms, giving him the same naughty look he gave her – all love and lust and a heated promise of what’s about to happen. Taking ahold of him, she dips her head and runs her tongue over and along his length until he’s groaning. Then massaging him with one hand she presses a kiss to his tip, parting her lips and allowing him inside. She starts to suck him, swirling her tongue over his head and taking him deeper into her mouth, but then he reaches down and stops her. Robin looks up at him dazed, not understanding.

Barney’s voice is a full octave lower than normal and thick with barely restrained desire as he tells her, “I want you wrapped tight around me. I want to be buried deep inside you when I come.”

Robin’s expression shifts from confused to smiling tenderly up at him. Because he’s turning down a blowjob in progress in favor of the intimacy of intercourse with her, and if that doesn’t say love she doesn’t know what does. She gets to her feet and straddles him, kissing him passionately. “And I want you to feel every second of it,” she amorously conveys, positioning herself over him. “Just enjoy every last sensation,” Robin murmurs breathily as she eases down, taking him inside of her.

****

When they’re both panting and spent but recovered enough to form intelligible words again, Robin lifts her forehead from his shoulder and kisses him affectionately. “Mind-blowing,” Barney whispers against her lips.

She smiles and a contented little giggle escapes her as she sets her palms to his chest pushing up further and recovering her knee from where it’s worked its way down between the cushions during their fervor. “Yes, it was. And see how much better it is when sex is recreational instead of competitive? We both win this way,” she asserts, pressing another kiss to his lips. “I don’t know why any woman would want to purposefully outlast a guy without ever getting off herself. I love feeling you inside me and being connected that way. But I’m not gonna lie: I want to have an orgasm. I can feel close to you just holding your hand. What’s the point in sex if there’s no orgasm?”

“Beats the hell out of me,” he replies, still winded.

“Well that’s not a problem with us,” she grins, “so we’ll never have to find out.” She lifts off him and moves her leg from over his lap to sit down on the cushion beside him.

“That was amazing,” Barney sighs again, completely sated and satisfied. “And you cured me of my slap bet anxiety.”

“Good.” She stands up and stretches her back. “Cause it’s after 1:30, and I’m exhausted now. Let’s go to bed.”

She finds her underwear and puts them back on and he fixes his pants, standing up alongside her. “….I’m sure Marshall was making up that story anyway….”

Robin smiles tenderly. “He was, baby.” She kisses him lovingly, slipping her arm around his waist as they walk into their bedroom….

So as Marshall’s hand continues to fly towards Barney’s face in the here and now, they all know – Robin and Barney most of all – that there’s been a lot of buildup to this moment, to this slap that’s coming down.

Even knowing that deep down Barney does appreciate the elaborate nature of this slap, this is still the part that always makes Robin cringe. Barney too is understandably reluctant to get slapped. Yes, he accepts and even endorses and embraces the slap bet concept, but reluctance to get slapped is only natural and actually plays a part in the overall slap bet. It’s his role as the loser to uphold that sense of dread and hesitancy. That reluctance itself is the very power of the slap bet. No one actually wants to get slapped, which is what makes it worthy terms in a bet to begin with.

But everything turns on a dime when Marshall’s hand misses.

Barney can’t believe his luck and runs out of there while the getting is good.

Robin also thought for sure this was going to be where Barney got his slap, but she watches in astonishment as he takes off out of the bar and straight out through the hotel lobby. It’s only a matter of a seconds before she gets up herself, hurrying after him.

Marshall is in hot pursuit too with Ted and Lily progressively bringing up the rear. When Robin catches up to Marshall just outside the hotel she reaches up and punches him in the arm.

“Oww. What was that for?”

“This is all your fault,” she accuses, her protective instincts kicking in again because Barney’s lost it and he’s running to who knows where outside the Farhampton Inn. “You tormented him too much and now he’s freaking out. Where is he even going? How are we going to find him? I know this is all fun and games to you guys but he really was panicky about your stupid story. You can’t just get him all irrationally afraid and then unleash him on the city. This is Barney we’re talking about. He’s likely to do something drastic and crazy.”

“Just relax, Robin. Barney will be alright. I know exactly where he’s going.”

She turns to him in surprise as they continue to flank the building, walking around to its backside facing the ocean since that’s the last place they saw Barney’s head. “You do?”

“Sure. This was part of the plan,” Marshall reveals. “Barney will try hiding on the beach first but he’ll realize that won’t work; it’s too open. So then he’ll head into the woods – and right into my trap.”

And, sure enough, when they turn the corner they can see Barney sprinting across the beach.

Barney’s first instinct was just to run and avoid the slapping, but now he can see at a glance there’s no cover here. Marshall will spot him in a second. He needs some other place to hide as soon as possible so he heads into the forest. And that’s when he runs across –

For a second Barney actually closes his eyes in respect as recognition hits him: four women sitting under a willow tree knitting a tiger blanket. He takes a second to be disappointed that it’s only half a tiger and not quite finished yet – Marshall’s slipping there – before he goes back into the game of slap bet panic, this time running straight into the man himself.

“It’s time,” Marshall decrees.

Barney refers back to the story, begging the excuse of his incomplete training. Just like the others he’s fully playing along with it now too so Marshall gladly finishes the end of his tale. The conclusion is filled with as much ridiculousness as the rest of the story, with The Calligrapher staying alive for a good fifteen minutes after his heart was slapped out of his body, but realism doesn’t matter when it’s all willing entertainment they’re knowingly playing into anyway. The important part is that it means Marshall actually is ready to deliver the slap of a million suns now. Right now.

Robin watches the whole thing with a sense of slight foreboding because she knows this really is it this time, and though she understands this is a benign game between the two of them she still hates seeing Barney get hurt even fleetingly and braces herself as best as she can.

“My training is complete,” Marshall informs him and Barney gasps exaggeratedly. “I’m ready.”

Giving over to his role with gusto now, Barney closes his eyes gravely and bows his head. “I’m ready too.”

Robin knows the slapping is about to begin now. And Marshall has two slaps left. That means it could even be a double slap like before and that was so painful to watch. She isn’t even pretending for the sake of the game when she runs forward to Barney’s side. She genuinely is squeamish on his behalf and simply wants to offer encouragement and comfort before this happens to him. She grasps his arm, her face a picture of tense concern. “I love you,” she intensely expresses, hoping that will ease the sting soon coming to his face.

Melodramatically, never taking his eyes off Marshall, Barney asks, “Enough to take this slap for me?”

“No,” Robin answers apologetically, moving back away to take her place with the others.

This time it actually is a part of the slap bet game. They both know he only asked in jest and to be dramatic. Barney’s fully aware Robin isn’t going to take the slap for him, nor would he want Robin being slapped in the face by Marshall or would he tolerate Marshall slapping her. Besides, everyone knows that slaps are nontransferable.

And then it’s happening and everything seems to be going in slow motion again – until it’s back to full force and speed right down against Barney’s skin.

Robin grimaces watching her fiancé get slapped hard across the cheek.

Barney reels back, lurching hard to the side, and as soon as he’s recovered his balance he immediately puts his hand up to his stinging face. That honestly did hurt. All of the slaps do but this one was particularly harsh, though it’s nothing he can’t handle; he suspects Marshall isn’t actually slapping him in the face as hard as he possibly can.

“That’s three!” Marshall proclaims triumphantly.

The others cheer and Robin raises her hands in the air, half celebratory – because at least this means there will be no additional slapping tonight – and have pained for her almost-husband.

But now that the slap has been administered the game is done for the moment and the two bros slip back into normalcy. “Good one,” Barney comments with good-humored respect. “You got me that time, bro.”

“Yeah, right?” Marshall answers lightly, offering, “Hey, only one slap left.”

“Crazy,” Barney smiles. “Where did the time go?”

Barney seems to be okay, both physically and mentally. The two men are even joking together. Robin takes her cue from him and breathes a sigh of relief, walking over to his side, and on the way through she pats Marshall congenially on the back to show there’s no hard feelings.

“I know,” Marshall smirks in reply to Barney’s observation. “It’s like slow down life.”

The gang laughs lightheartedly at that, at the notion of the past nearly seven years and how far they’ve all come in that time.

But there’s just one more thing Barney has to know for certain. “Hey, was that a fake jukebox?” he questions as Robin puts her hand on his shoulder and starts rubbing his upper back. That little caress alone makes this slap better than all the others, the fact that now he gets to be comforted and fussed over by her afterwards.

“Yeah, yeah. Fake jukebox,” Marshall confirms.

“Nice,” he nods in appreciation. “Nice.”

Smiling, Barney glances over to Robin, and as Marshall starts to walk away she moves in closer, putting her full arm over his far shoulder and her hand on his nearest one as he turns to leave too. “Hey, you okay?” she asks sweetly, massaging both his shoulders while she steps in line behind him.

“Yeah, yeah,” he assures her lightly, like it’s no big deal.

“Yeah?” she questions again to be sure. After all, he’s the one who spoke of the horrors of Marshall’s behemoth handing striking relentlessly against his cheek.

“Yeah, it’s good,” he verifies casually while they all funnel back through the path and out of the tree line.

But Robin doesn’t take even that at face value, not while they’re around the others. He could be putting on for their sake. Just to be on the safe side, on the way back she keeps petting him with her free hand that isn’t holding her shoes – her heels kept sinking into the sand making walking impossible and just like on the way after Barney when she had to take them off only to put them back again when they got to the solid and stick-covered ground of the forest she had to again slip her shoes back off once they got to the sand – and with the inn up ahead she orchestrates it so she and Barney are hanging back just a bit from the others as they near the end of the beach.

Lily, Marshall, and Ted head up the stairs and onto the porch but Robin stops him. “Barney, wait.” The others continue inside, leaving just the two of them down in the sand at the porch’s edge. Barney turns to her and he’s still smiling but now that they’re alone and he’s free to be honest she has to ask him one last time. “Are you sure you’re really okay?”

“Robin, I’m fine. I swear I’m okay.” He takes her hand in his, lacing their fingers as they step up onto the porch. “Didn’t even hurt that much.”

Satisfied that he truly is alright, she drops her shoes to the porch, toeing them back on as she smirks over at him. “Really? Cause you’ve got a giant red handprint on your face – fingers and all.”

“Do I really? Where?”

“Right about here.” She fits her fingers to the shape on his cheek and gently touches the reddened skin.

“Ouch.”

“See,” she smiles.

“Man,” Barney complains. “That better go away by tomorrow.”

“Oh it’ll be gone,” Robin demands threateningly. “Or I’m putting some of my makeup on you, and then I’m kicking Marshall’s ass. I’m not walking down the aisle to a groom with a handprint on his face.”

“I thought you’d love me even if I was disfigured – in the hottest way possible,” he reminds her with a wink.

“I do love,” she assures him, snuggling closer and playing with the knot of his tie, “but black eyes and bruises have no place at a wedding. I only said I’d cover it up. I’m still gonna marry you.”

“That’s good to know,” he smiles, bringing his hands up to cup her waist.

“Anyway….I don’t know,” Robin considers. “Black eyes? Yes, definitely sexy. Cuts? Yes. Even missing teeth, yes.”

“You lost me on that one. Although I guess it does bode well for my chances of still scoring with you when I’m ninety.”

She ignores that. “But slap prints?” she says skeptically. “That I don’t know. There’s something about them that’s kind of – ”

Barney gives her an aghast look.

“But on you,” she rushes to correct, putting her arms over his shoulders and pulling him in closer, “on you it’s 100% sexy. Gives me a little shiver.”

“Yeah?” he smiles.

“Yeah.”

Barney strokes along her sides down to her hips. “Just remember that tomorrow night.” But he releases her dutifully, sticking to their no hanky-panky until after the wedding pact.

He starts to head back inside and Robin stops him again. “Wait. Just one more thing.” She moves her hands up to either side of his neck and holds his gaze, smiling flirtatiously. “I promised to kiss it better.”

“Mmm, yes you did,” he murmurs.

“Come here.” She draws his face down to her lips, pressing soft, tender kisses along the outline of the slap – first one, then another, and another, with the last leading right to his lips where she kisses him lingeringly. Pulling back, she asks, “Better?”

“I don’t know,” Barney grins. “Better try it again.”

Robin shoves him away playfully. “Not gonna happen,” she laughs.

He reaches back and hooks an arm around her waist, drawing her against him. “Let’s go have another Glen McKenna.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: If there’s anyone who also read and enjoyed my old oneshot “The Mermaid Theory” I have some news. I was going through my computer and found an old file for that story. I was originally going to make it not really a full-length fic but at least three chapters, but then I lost interest after Robin’s canon infertility. But I found that old file and discovered that I have a whole second chapter and ending basically written already. All I’d need to do is some light work to bridge the gaps, so I’ve decided I’m going to repost that fic (with some mild editing and corrections) as an AU along with the condensed final part that shows the baby’s birth. But I won’t be doing anything with it until after “Catching the Clock” is done. Then I’ll quickly whip out “The Mermaid Theory” reworked as a two-shot, and then begin work on my new Barney/Robin AU fic (I have a tentative title for it but I’m not quite ready to announce it yet until it’s set in stone). I’m actually quite excited to try my hand at an AU fic and playing around with the plot. I have a huge outline worked out. I just hope there’s still interest in the HIMYM fandom once the show finishes up in another month – which is just more heartbreaking than I have words for…..

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.13, Part Three

2014-02-14T17:11:01Z

After their story, Lily goes to get the next round and Darren takes the opportunity to gain Robin’s confidence by sharing a traumatic story of his own about the tragic death of his mother. After he’s been so candid with her, how can she not open up to him about Lily’s trip to Italy and hoping Marshall will win? Sure, it’s a big deal in her world but it’s nothing compared to the death of a parent. Once she’s told him Darren seems quite pleased that she confided in him in turn and Robin feels good about the whole exchange. They each got something off their chest. Darren – whoever he is and however they know him – is apparently happy that they’ve bonded. It seems great all around.

Until he bluntly reveals Robin’s true feelings on Rome to Lily before taking off and out of the fray.

Lily is hurt and feels betrayed. She even calls her a traitor for rooting for Marshall. Robin tries to worm her way out of it, but the truth is she did say those things and she meant them. She attempts to lay the argument out logically for Lily the way that she and Barney had discussed it earlier – that being a judge is just as much Marshall’s dream as Italy is hers and all the rational reasons for staying in New York – but Lily doesn’t want objectivity. She just wants Robin to side with her. She says she needs her support. As a friend, Robin can understand that so she caves and apologizes, promising to give her all the support she needs.

Until Darren comes back again. “I’m sorry. You guys are probably talking wedding details. I mean no maid of honor is going to steal the spotlight on the bride’s big weekend, am I right?”

And that sets something off in Robin. “You know, he is right.” Now that she really stops to think about it her indignation is growing by the second. “Why is this all about you? I mean you have been preoccupied with Marshall all weekend.”

“I have not,” Lily answers defensively but also with a touch of self-awareness that it’s at least partially true.

“You have been sleeping with a doll made of cushions that you named after him,” Robin scoffs. In fact, that’s all she’s heard about all weekend long – where is Marshall, why isn’t he here yet, if I have to get through this entire weekend without Marshall I’ve got to be good and liquored up. And now it’s become, I’m so mad at Marshall, how could Marshall take the job without telling me, and on and on.

Lily’s counter argument is that the doll is just for sex, and that’s the final straw. Robin has to point out how ridiculous it is that they’re even discussing this at her wedding weekend. “How many times this weekend have you gone on about Marshall and your problems?” Lily has made everything all about her drama and now that it’s out there Robin can admit she resents it. “And then how many times have you asked me how I’m doing and if everything’s going well? I mean, Lily, our minister died last night – actually had a heart attack in front of us – and we had no one to perform the ceremony. You can’t get much of a bigger wedding crisis than that. But did you try to help us find a new officiant? No. Because I don’t even know where you were half the time. It was James who came through for us, and you’re supposed to be my maid of honor.”

“I – I know that Robin,” Lily admits with some guilt because she hasn’t been living up to the title the way she should be and she knows it. Nevertheless, her own world is on shaky ground here so she feels like she has a valid reason. “But I’ve had problems of my own to deal with.”

Problems of her own. Right, Robin thinks. Because that’s all Lily cares about anymore. Here she is about to take the frightening leap into married life – something she wasn’t sure if she would ever do – and Lily, her one go-to for solid relationship advice from the only person she knows whose marriage has actually lasted, is leaving her just when she’ll need her most. Already Lily hasn’t been there for her once this weekend and she’s not even gone yet. “No one was allowed to have problems at your wedding,” Robin accuses. “For weeks, Ted and I hid the fact that we’d broke up just so we wouldn’t take focus from your day. When you were getting married everything was ‘It’s for the bride’, and I was 100% on board with that because I understood it was a once in a lifetime thing and you needed me. I was there for her, but you’ve been too self-centered and caught up in your own problems to be there for me now that it’s my time. And you know what? Not even just this weekend. It’s been like that even since Rome first came up – no, even before that. Ever since you took the art consultant job with the Captain. I stayed up all night long, haunted by the sounds of that damned car alarm to fight for a wedding dress for you, but you’ve barely even been around these past two months. I feel like I have to fight for time and go out of my way just to see you.”

Offended, even if there may be a good deal of weight to what Robin’s saying, Lily shouts, “Well if you feel that way, then fine. I guess I don’t need to be here.” And with that she gets up and storms out onto the porch.

Robin sits there glumly in her wake, wondering what just happened.

Okay, maybe that resentment had been building up for a while now. It was why she could barely stay cordial about listening to Lily’s drama back in the midst of Barney’s rehearsal dinner prank. But she never would have said anything to Lily if it hadn’t been for Darren. She would have just kept in inside and swallowed it all, maybe vented a little to Barney. Even though everything she did say is true, she knew it wouldn’t go over well with Lily and it would only lead to a fight, and now it has.

Her mother is already a no-show; she can’t lose her best girlfriend too. Their rooftop pajama story just proved how much Robin needs Lily in her life….In fact, maybe that’s what this is really all about, losing Lily.

And maybe that means she is the one who’s being selfish. Lily has her life and she has to live it, even if that doesn’t line up with what Robin might want.

Crap.

She needs to make this right between them. She just has to figure out a way to do that.

****

Meanwhile, up at the bar, after determining that going to jail for a bro is “the dream”, Barney and Ted met Darren too. And he’s awesome. Just like with the girls, he gets how hilarious and adorable the two of them are. It’s all good times until Barney goes to get him another drink and returns to the bombshell that Ted is moving to Chicago – something this Darren guy knows but Ted hasn’t even seen fit to tell his best friend.

Barney’s first reaction, beyond the initial and deep hurt that he isn’t even the first to know, is to try to talk him out of it. Because the whole idea is just absurd. Ted cannot move to Chicago. It’s bad enough that Marshall and Lily might be taking off for a year. Ted can’t leave too. They all can’t leave. There will be nothing left of the gang, of their little family.

But when Ted starts listing off who does and doesn’t know about his upcoming move then Barney realizes it’s truly serious. This is for real. Ted’s really doing this. And far worse than Marshall and Lily, he’s not talking about a temporary thing here. He’s making a new life and a new home, far away from all of them.

Barney asks for more details, the how and the when of it, hoping it’s not until next year at the earliest and they can at least have another six months together. That’s when Ted drops the other bombshell. He’s moving away, leaving for good, on the day after the wedding, meaning tomorrow could be the last he’ll ever see him.

After more than ten years of friendship Ted gives him less than a day’s notice that he’s moving away forever – and not even that much notice, actually, because he had to hear it secondhand from this Darren.

Ted claims in his defense that he didn’t want to put a damper on the wedding, but what does that even mean when he’s leaving the next day? Was Ted never going to tell him? Was he just going to slink off in the night and send a text when he got there: Congratulations and, oh by the way, I live in Chicago now. Nice knowing you. Friendship over.

Then Ted has the gall to start to say that Marshall is his true best friend? Unbelievable.

But that’s alright. That’s okay, because clearly he doesn’t mean much of anything to Ted so why should he be sad over the loss of that kind of friendship? And he lets Ted know as much before leaving him there in the bar.

****

Taking refuge in the dining room with some of their other wedding guests, Robin’s nursing a beer and trying to figure out how to make this up to Lily when the perfect idea occurs to her. Marshpillow. That will show Lily where her loyalties lie and it can help Lily to work out some of her anger too. Because there’s no reason they can’t both support each other, through this weekend and any other.

When she makes her way out into the lobby to head upstairs after Marshpillow, Robin finds Barney sitting on the stairs looking rather forlorn himself.

“Hey,” she greets, coming to sit down beside him. “What are you doing out here all by yourself? I thought Ted was with you.”

“I thought so too,” he says sadly. “Turns out he never was.”

Robin can read between the lines enough to know that’s a loaded statement. There must be much more going on here than just Ted wandering off to mingle with other guests. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” is Barney’s rote response. It’s not that he wants to lone wolf it in this case, but he’s been sworn to secrecy, and he knows firsthand this is something you should hear from the friend himself rather than learning it from a third party. “I can’t tell you,” he corrects.

That’s a red flag right there. “Which one is it?” she questions. “Nothing or you can’t tell me?”

“I can’t tell you.”

So it is something; Robin’s able to gather that much.

“I want to tell you,” he assures her, “but I had to promise I wouldn’t.”

She looks at him with suspicious amusement. “Is this another surprise for me?” she smiles. “Cause I gotta tell you, it’s going to be pretty hard to top the last one.”

Barney lets out a humorless laugh. “It was a surprise for me too. But not the good kind.”

Whatever this is, Robin can tell it’s eating away at him. He’s fidgeting his hands, shaking his leg up and down on the step; he can barely sit still he’s so agitated. Her guess is he’s gotten into some kind of fight with Ted. He always gets upset like this whenever the two of them are on the outs. “And you’re sure you can’t talk about it?” she asks. She wants to help him with this but there’s not much she can do if he can’t tell her what happened.

Barney shakes his head no, deciding it’s best to simply change the subject. “What are you doing out here by yourself? Where’s Lily?”

It’s Robin’s turn for a sad admission now and she starts fidgeting her own hands, running her thumb over her fingernails worryingly. “She’s mad at me for taking Marshall’s side.” She glances over at her fiancé, already knowing the answer before she even asks it. “I have to tell her the truth about why I sided with Marshall, don’t I?”

“Yeah,” he agrees, “you probably should….Take it from me, it sucks to hear the truth about a friend secondhand.”

She sighs, knowing Barney’s right and knowing what she needs to do. “I have to apologize,” she nods. “But first I’m on my way up to Lily’s room for the original way I was going to make it up to her.”

He gives her a mischievous little smile. “You’re not gonna finally let Lily get to second base, are you? Because I’m not sure I’m okay with that. And if you do, I definitely get to watch.”

“No. Idiot,” Robin smiles, shaking her head and playfully nudging his shoulder with hers. “I’m going to help Lily beat up Marshall.” Barney looks understandably surprised at that so she explains, “Well, Marshpillow anyway. It’s a great way to take out your aggressions, second only to the shooting range. Or a rooftop with some beer bottles lined up,” she grins, raising her eyebrow impishly. “You wanna come with me?”

“Nah, I think I’ll stay here a little while longer.”

She almost doesn’t want to leave him when he’s so sad like this but she figures he’s waiting for Ted to come back through so they can sort things out. “Alright. I’ll see you in a bit then,” she says, kissing him as she gets up to go upstairs.

Five minutes later, Barney’s still sitting there sullenly when Robin comes back through, now carrying Marshpillow under her shoulder – without the iPad, just a picture of Marshall taped on over the blank face.

She sits back down beside him, letting Marshpillow lean against the banister in front of them. Taking hold of the pillow head, she turns it so the eerie picture of Marshall is looking at Barney. “So Lily can sock him in the jaw,” Robin explains. She lets go of the pillow and its head twists back to the front again.

He chuckles softly. “Is this what you used to do to me after we broke up?”

“No. With you, I just imagined your face was the target I was shooting again and again.”

“Seems about right,” he nods.

“But then I’d feel guilty afterwards because I still loved you too much to ever hurt you,” she divulges.

“Well I’m glad for that.” Barney smiles tenderly over at her.

Robin moves her hand to his thigh and rubs it gently. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? Lily might let you get a punch in,” she offers. “It could help make up for all the slaps he’s given you.”

Barney smiles but shakes his head. “I’ll just be a minute longer,” he promises.

“Okay, well, we’ll be out on the porch.” She rubs his thigh one more time before getting up and taking Marshpillow with her.

The second she’s gone he feels her absence. Without the balm of her comfort there beside him his mind goes right back to his troubles with Ted and he starts twitching his hands in agitation.

When he sees the man himself come walking back through the front door he doesn’t even want to speak to him and starts to get up to leave until Ted stops him, swearing that their friendship is important to him. But Barney knows that isn’t true. If someone is truly important to you, you let them be a part of your decision to move across the country – and you most certainly tell them about it once you’ve decided. You don’t just keep them in the dark while notifying virtual strangers about it.

He can see so clearly now what’s going to happen. Ted will move away, find new bros in Chicago, and forget all about him. If he’s honest with himself he always knew their friendship was somewhat lopsided, with him caring more than Ted does. That’s why he had to force himself on Ted to begin with, why he always had to beg him to come out to the bar, why it had been so easy for him to let Robin off the hook but call their friendship off after he first slept with her, why Ted never failed to remind them all that Marshall was his real best friend. But he always felt like that was okay because at least he still got to be Ted’s friend – his brother they had said after the bus accident. Now they won’t be anything to each other. Just distant acquaintances, until they’re nothing at all. “I’m just some guy you used to know back in New York.”

Then Ted shows him the bottle. That’s where he’d taken off to, down the street breaking into the Farhampton liquor store to steal a replacement bottle of 30 year Glen McKenna.

“That’s a $600 bottle,” Barney marvels. “Ted, that’s grand larceny. You really could go to jail for this.”

Ted answers with a smile, “That’s the dream.”

Right then Barney realizes Ted must care about him after all, a great deal too. That makes it better, much better, but it doesn’t change the fact that this still blows. There are plenty of great jobs Ted could get in New York. Why does he have to move all the way to Chicago, and now of all times? Is it because Marshall and Lily are leaving? Is his friendship alone not enough to keep Ted in the city?

That makes sense. Barney protests to the others but he isn’t kidding himself; he knows Marshall really is Ted’s actual best friend. The three of them – Lily, Marshall, and Ted – have always been closet to each other. From the beginning they were the most tightknit with their own little college group, leaving him and Robin as the two outsiders who thankfully bonded together and fell in love. Realistically, it could very well be that without Marshall and Lily here there’s not much holding Ted in the city or preventing him from leaving. But if that is the case they might not even go now, and if they do it will be just a year away and then they’ll come back and all of them can be together again. For only twelve months would it really be so bad hanging around without them? “I know Marshall and Lily might leave, but it’s only a year. And in the meantime we’ll still see each other all the time,” Barney argues. It makes perfect sense. Why move away when the three of them can still hang out? “You, me, Robin.”

And then it dawns on him.

The look on Ted’s face confirms it. He doesn’t want it to be ‘you, me, and Robin’, precisely because it will be just the three of them. That’s the real reason Ted is leaving. It has nothing to do with a career opportunity. He doesn’t want to be the third wheel. Ted can’t stand the thought of it when he still wants to be with the woman his friend will be married to.

“Oh.” Barney looks down, because what else can he say? There are no words for this, how awful it is for your best friend to be in love with your wife, how unfair it is that to have one he must give up the other.

But if this is the way it has to be, then it will just have to be. Because he’s marrying Robin. That is unquestionably the most important thing. Being with Robin is his truest happiness – his only happiness – and if Ted can’t handle that, he’s sorry for him but it’s the way it’ll have to be. If being married to Robin requires that sacrifice then he’ll make it without a second thought.

And maybe it is better this way. If things had turned out differently and Robin had married Kevin or Nick or even Ted, it would have hurt like hell to stick around and watch that. He can’t even imagine how painful that would have been.

Although he still thinks he would have done anything to keep Robin in his life at least as a friend, even if it meant learning to live with that pain. But he and Ted have always been different where Robin is concerned. That’s why back before when she’d just broken up with Kevin and they were both wanting her, Ted couldn’t begin to understand why he wouldn’t fight at all costs for Robin even if that wasn’t what she wanted. He couldn’t fathom why Barney was prepared to sit back and endure Robin dating Ted again when it would make him miserable even if that’s what made her happy. That’s why Barney doesn’t believe Ted actually is as in love with Robin as he thinks he is, but as long as he keeps thinking he is that’s the only thing that’s going to count in this situation.

“I need a new start,” Ted confirms.

Barney thinks he’s probably right. It’s been six years and the man still hasn’t let go. If time can’t do it, maybe distance will. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Ted echoes, embracing his friend.

Robin walks back into the lobby at that moment to see Barney and Ted hugging it out and she gathers they must have made up from whatever their spat was – probably Ted besmirched Italian leather shoes again or refused to go hit on the blonde 8 over in the bar who was drunk even.

She doesn’t let herself entertain the thought of their quarrel being anything more serious than that….like the elephant in the room between the three of them that none of them have wanted to talk about for the past five months. Right now all that matters is that Barney and Ted are back on good terms.

While they were resolving their issue Robin had made up with Lily too, telling her the truth and explaining that she wasn’t really rooting for Marshall; she just didn’t want to lose her best friend. But she can’t be selfish about this so she promised to always be on Lily’s side no matter where she goes. Then she taught her how to let her out anger by proxy using Marshpillow. It’s not as good as shooting a gun but it will do in a pinch.

It was working too, but then Marshall himself came in and Robin hightailed it out of there before any real punches got thrown. They’ve all heard Lily’s various threats on his manhood once he got back so she decided to go find the others and warn them too.

“Hey,” Robin says gently, walking up to the two men and interrupting their hug. “Everything good here?”

She directed the question at Barney and he nods. “Yeah. We’re good.” Meeting her eye, he wordlessly lets her know that he really means it.

“Marshall may not be,” she retorts.

Both Ted and Barney look down to the now faceless Marshpillow she’s dragging under her arm.

“I can see that,” Barney remarks a half second before Ted asks, “What happened to him?”

“Lily happened,” Robin answers. “She beat the stuffing out of him. But I actually meant the real Marshall.”

Barney looks over to her in surprise. “He’s here?”

“Yeah, he just got in. He’s on the patio with Lily. I left them out there so they could talk.”

The three of them go silent for a moment while that absorb that. Marshall and Lily have forever been the ones with the solid relationship. But this isn’t just a trivial argument over who’s doing the dishes. This is even bigger than when Lily kept her debt and shopping addiction a secret. This is undoubtedly the largest obstacle their marriage has faced since she called off their first wedding. None of them have any doubt the couple will come out of it still strong, but they all know it’s likely to get real ugly before that.

“Wow,” Ted is the first to observe. “This is big. I wonder what she’s going to say to him.”

Robin shakes her head. She has no clue how it’s all going to resolve itself. “I don’t know.”

“Did you two at least make up?” Barney asks her, referring to her earlier tiff with Lily.

“We did.”

“You guys were fighting too?” Ted interjects.

Robin stares down at Marshpillow ruefully. “I may have said I sided with Marshall,” she admits. Glancing back up, she finishes in a rush, “And I possibly also told her she was being selfish and making my wedding weekend all about her drama.”

Barney looks slightly amused. “You didn’t tell me that part.”

“It wasn’t my finest hour,” she replies sheepishly.

Smiling, Barney drapes his arm around her shoulders. “Well she was kind of doing that,” he grants.

Robin lets go of Marshpillow, allowing him to slump facedown onto the stairs. “It was all Darren’s fault,” she petulantly observes.

“Yeah,” Barney realizes in irritation. “He started all this.”

“That guy’s a real jerk,” Ted acrimoniously agrees. “How do you guys even know him?”

“I don’t know him,” Robin responds. “He’s Barney’s…..” She trails off, hoping Barney will fill in Darren’s identity.

“I don’t know,” Barney says, confounded. “I thought you knew him.”

Ted looks around. “Geez, who invited this guy?”

“I don’t know.” Robin shakes her head in confusion. “But it doesn’t matter now. Everything’s settled. Let’s just go out there and see our friends. This is the first time all weekend we’ve all been together.”

“And look,” Barney grins proudly, holding up the Glen McKenna. “Ted got us another bottle of 30 year.”

Robin gasps. “Ted, way to go! I’ve never known you to be such a big spender.”

“He stole it from the liquor store down the street,” Barney reveals.

“Ah,” she nods. “That makes much more sense.”

“But it was grand larceny,” Ted reminds them boastfully. “I could go to jail for it.”

“Okay, don’t be a hero,” Robin laughs sarcastically, deflating his ego a little.

On the way through the bar they snag five glasses and slowly creep out onto the patio, unsure of what they’re walking into. They’re relieved to find Marshall and Lily kissing rather than strangling each other. At their mystification, the couple admits they’ve put their fight on pause for now and will only unpause once they’re in their room tonight. Until then it’s a time for celebration instead, and they do just that.

All five of them are finally gathered together out on the porch with the pristine beach just beyond them and the sounds of the ocean in the near distance. They’re about to share a once in a lifetime pre-wedding toast and it feels like the moment couldn’t be any more perfect. It’s after midnight now, officially their wedding day. It’s a day that, for years, both Barney and Robin thought would never come. They couldn’t be happier to have been proven wrong.

Barney puts his arm around Robin’s waist, tucking her in close against his side and whispering, “All our friends are here. This feels real now. We’re actually getting married.”

“Mm-hmm,” Robin giggles, leaning in to press her lips to his neck. He beams over at her and she can’t help it, she’s practically giddy, bouncing up and down with happiness.

“Alright, who wants a drink?” Ted asks. “I’m stealing.”

They all cheer as he pours their drinks, Robin’s and Barney’s first as the bride and groom. Ted goes over to pour Lily’s and Marshall’s drinks next and it leaves Barney and Robin somewhat alone, off to the side.

Robin breathes in the scotch and sighs in approval. “This smells so good.”

“Why wait?” Barney encourages her. “This is our wedding. Let’s sneak a drink now.”

They share a conspiratorial smile before doing just that.

“Uhh,” she moans in appreciation, “this is incredible.”

“More than incredible,” Barney tenderly agrees, not just talking about scotch anymore. He smiles down at her, that soft drunk-on-love smile he sometimes gives her where anyone can see this is a man who’s gotten all he’s ever wanted in the woman next to him.

“This is unquestionably the perfect pre-wedding toast.” He still has his arm around her waist and Robin leans back partly into his arm and partly against his side so she can look into his eyes. “Barney, in about seventeen hours we’ll be husband and wife,” she tells him, letting the truth of it sink in.

“I know,” he grins softly. “It’s pretty amazing.”

Before they can say anything further they’re interrupted by the sound of Darren’s annoying voice and the next thing they know their treasured bottle is smashing into pieces on the ground, $600 scotch spilling everywhere. They jump back automatically to avoid the splash and then look up at Darren in horror. After all they’d gone through to get that bottle, in just a matter of seconds he’s ruined it just like he tried to ruin all of their friendships tonight.

But the way Ted punches him a moment later almost makes it worth the lost Glen McKenna just to see the troublemaker sprawled out on the ground.

There are shocked gasps and squeals of delight all around, and then with thrilled admiration Barney looks to Robin, knowing that she of all people will appreciate this. “Can you believe that?”

“No,” she stammers. She really can’t. “Ted just punched someone,” she says in awe, and the rest of the gang’s expressions mirror her stunned reaction.

“Hey,” Ted speaks up, rubbing his throbbing knuckles. “It’s not like that was the first time.”

They all give him a look.

“Okay, it was probably, like, the fifth.”

Lily laughs. “That jerk had it coming.”

Robin nudges Barney’s arm. “This just made our pre-wedding toast even more perfect,” she smirks.

He sets his hand on her back as they all head towards the door. “Come on, let’s go back inside.”

Robin swivels her head to talk to him as they’re walking through the doorway. “Stealing us this scotch and giving a guy a black eye? It’s been a big day for our Teddy Westside.”

Barney laughs and turns to his recently arrived groomsmen. “Hey, Marshall. Nice of you to join us. And just in time to witness that.”

“What can I say? I have good timing,” Marshall returns, clamping a hand on his shoulder in greeting.

As they set their now-empty glasses on the side table just inside the door and walk over to gather around the bar Robin has hands up by her face in astonishment, still trying to process it all. “This whole night has been mind-blowing,” she tells Barney, adding teasingly, “With you and your surprise rehearsal dinner.”

“I’m just that good. But I know,” he acknowledges as she momentarily turns back to face him, touching his tie, “you’re gonna get me back just as good.”

“I am,” Robin promises. “I have no idea what I’m going to do,” she admits, throwing her hands up, and he laughs. “But I am gonna get you back.”

“I’ll be waiting,” he says eagerly. “But how about we say the honeymoon’s off limits? I want nothing but carefree sun and sex the entire time we’re there.”

“Me too,” Robin wholeheartedly agrees. “I want us to be – Oh, hey, my cousin Gabby made it in,” she directs his attention to the table in the corner. She nods and Barney waves and then they turn back to the gang, though they remain preoccupied with each other.

Robin can’t resist putting her hand on Barney’s shoulder and fiddling with his tie under the guise of straightening it even though it was perfectly straight before. She just enjoys touching him and petting him this way. They’re only half paying attention when Ted asks if the drink waiting for him at the bar is from one of them. Robin’s too busy grasping Barney’s upper arm and turning him back more towards her so she can fuss with his tie some more. He leans over into her, lifting his chin to allow her better access should his tie actually be askew and giving her a slightly flirtatious look should she just be playing with him.

But the revelation that the bartender, Linus, had 35 year Glen McKenna all along manages to fully capture their attention. Barney and Robin simultaneously order five drinks for the group and she turns again, putting her hands on his shoulders and rubbing them while he sniffs Ted’s scotch as he waits for his own to arrive.

Once Linus delivers their drinks and the others are preoccupied gathering them up, Robin leans in close to whisper to Barney. “I know you’re excited that Marshall’s back. Why don’t you go say something to him?” she suggests, knowing her future husband just doesn’t want to show how ecstatic he is to have all his bros finally here with him.

“Okay. I guess I could do that,” he smiles, and Robin heads over to the table while Barney goes around the other way with Ted, waiting for Marshall to separate from Lily so he can talk to him.

“Hey, Barney,” Marshall beats him to it, heading straight over. “I’m so sorry I missed your rehearsal dinner.”

“Oh, that’s okay. We didn’t even know you weren’t here,” he says, glancing over at Robin and barely containing a smile. In reality they both know he must have asked at least a dozen times when Marshall was coming. The only one more interested in his arrival was Marshall’s wife. “Jerk,” Barney sarcastically derides instead.

“Listen, I know it can’t make up for being late, but I did get you a – a special gift.”

That has Barney even more excited. “Well hand it over, Fathead.”

“Well, you might want to wait until after the wedding photos.”

“Hand it over now, Travel Breath,” Barney continues to get in his little jabs, like two kids on the playground. He’s just so happy to have his buddy back. He shoots a look Robin’s way again and is unable to suppress a little giggle.

“Okay, Barney. I’ll hand it over.”

Marshall reaches into his pocket and now Barney is openly laughing, but the laughter stops when Marshall raises up his hand. “Oh god, it’s the third slap. I don’t know why I was so obnoxious,” Barney squeaks out.

He knows it’s going to be bad. He’s heard the stories. Marshall has tormented him with the stories, completely psyching him out. Barney tried to prepare himself, but he knows he’s still not ready. He’ll never be ready.

Yet, ready or not, a Slapswedding is now upon him – and this time with the slap of a million exploding suns…..

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.13, Part Two

2014-02-14T17:09:39Z

“What are you guys doing?” Lily asks suspiciously.

For the second time that night Robin is glad she didn’t accidentally shoot someone.

“Canadian therapy,” Barney explains, letting her go with considerable reluctance.

The only thing Lily initially focused on was Robin’s and Barney’s suggestive positioning with his arms around her and their bodies pressed together, looking like they were about ready to start making out – or something even more sexual. But now Lily can see the gun in her hand. “Robin, I told you the rest of the building doesn’t want you shooting empties up here,” she scolds her.

“Oh they’re just babies,” she pooh-poohs.

Barney looks over at her, amused. “I should take off anyway.” He gives her a devilish smirk. “Thanks for helping me squeeze one off,” he winks, clicking his tongue.

Robin rolls her eyes, shaking her head, but her grin is the last thing he sees as he walks away.

Once he’s gone Robin sets the gun back down and turns to Lily. “What are you even doing up here?”

“Looking for you,” Lily replies accusingly.

“You went to bed an hour ago. Why aren’t you sleeping by now?”

“Marshall’s still not home yet, and you know I can’t sleep without him.”

Robin nods because they’ve all heard the stories. She used to cringe at the thought of being that codependent and a part of her still does, but another part wonders what that would feel like and if having that kind of connection and closeness with someone might actually be nice.

“So what was up with you and Barney just now?” Lily interrogates.

“Nothing,” she answers immediately. “I was just teaching him how to properly fire a gun.”

And she’s a good liar because Lily can only hear a trace of detectable guilt in her tone despite the very flimsy excuse. She has no idea what Robin may or may not feel for Barney, though privately her and Marshall have already agreed they’d make a well-matched couple, but what she does know for certain is that Robin is obviously attracted to Barney, if nothing else proven by the fact that she slept with him less than seven months ago – and she knows from the horse’s mouth that it wasn’t a one-sided seduction. Robin has steadfastly refused to share any intimate details of their encounter the way they usually do, but the one thing she was adamant about was that Barney did not take advantage of her and that she’d been a willing and active participant throughout. Lily also was able to glean through things Robin inadvertently let slip that Barney had actually spent the night rather than leaving immediately after they were through, and considering he often climbs out of girls’ upper story windows just to get away and that Robin’s been known to swiftly kick a guy out afterwards too, Lily felt that it signified. “Is that all you were thinking about firing off?” she inquiries. “Cause from over here it kinda looked like you were heading towards a relapse.”

“You can’t relapse with a guy you’ve never dated.”

“True.”

“And Barney Stinson doesn’t do dating, or relapsing. Only one night stands.”

“He did dating once,” Lily reminds her. The man who’d cried and serenaded his ex-girlfriend on that video tape was all-in, headfirst into dating and committed relationships.

Robin considers that thoughtfully. It’s true that sometimes she….not forgets exactly, but it’s just hard reconciling these two versions of Barney, the man he was then and the man she knows now. She tries imagining it, her Barney – this, this Barney, the Barney of now – singing a love song or crying over a woman and she can’t quite seem to do it. But she thinks maybe she does see something of that other Barney sometimes. In moments when it’s just been the two of them and he’s away from the rest of the group – like the night they first bro-ed out; when he went with her to give her dogs away; when she finally stopped being Vacation Robin; the night Simon dumped her; that time none of the others could make it to dinner so it was just her and him and he encouraged her to follow her dream and apply for that job – she can tell that attentive, caring nature is still there. He just doesn’t let it out very often. But if there could ever be a combination of the two, the Barney she knows now but just a little more tender and a lot more commitment-minded, well, that would be perfection.

“Since you don’t want to talk about Barney,” Lily continues, interrupting Robin’s thoughts, “let’s talk about a guy you actually did date then.” She pins her with a scrutinizing look. “Ted told me you’re planning on moving in with him....Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

Robin shrugs. “It makes sense until a find a job and can afford a place of my own. He has an extra bedroom that’s just going to waste, and you guys don’t want me constantly underfoot. You’re a married couple who eventually wants to start a family.”

“Is that going to be weird living with Ted, though?”

“No,” she responds simply. “Why would it be?”

“Uh, because of that night right before you left for Japan,” Lily instantly rejoins, figuring it’s a no-brainer. That is until she realizes maybe it’s not a no-brainer for Robin if she was so hammered she’s blacked it all out. “Do you even remember that night?”

Dread swamps Robin. That was yet another night she had hoped to avoid discussing. It seems that she’s 0 for 2.

In fact she does remember that night….most of it anyway. She remembers going to MacLaren’s and drinking way too much. Somewhere in there she recalls Lily showing up, but it’s mostly just a blur of scotch and shots and beer and some outrageous statements, then it goes black. The next thing she knew she was waking up on the couch in the apartment wearing yesterday’s clothes and with a terrible hangover. Lily didn’t say much about it but she figures she must have helped her upstairs to sleep it off since she and Marshall were still living there then.

“I remember,” Robin acknowledges. “The first part of the night anyway.”

The timbre of her friend’s voice already betrays her shame so Lily decides the ugly details of the rest of the night are better left unsaid to spare her any further embarrassment. Still, she has to ask her about it, in particular if the two of them are going to become roommates. “So what’s the deal, Robin? You said you were moving to Japan because Ted was getting married?” It was mindboggling to her then and no less astonishing repeating it now. “You also mentioned something about how now you can never marry him. And Ted told me you said some stuff at Shelter Island too. So was that just a normal ‘an ex is getting married’ panic attack, or are you back on Ted again?” she asks with no small degree of trepidation. The last thing they need is a repeat of Ted and Robin. Ted gets far too smitten, Robin isn’t deeply into it, and the two of them are far too miss-matched to ever make a decent, viable couple anyway.

“No,” Robin replies with decisive certainty, and Lily can tell her answer is sincere. “I’m not back on Ted. It’s not like that. I don’t have feelings for him. It’s just that it – it can be hard when an ex is getting married and you’re still just floundering. It makes you think that could have been you…..and then you start to wonder if maybe you were stupid to have thrown that away wanting to find something better when all you’d done is come up empty.”

She felt like such a loser at that time. She was grasping at straws, trying to hold onto anything that would make her feel secure. Robin doesn’t know if she can ever make Lily, the woman who has been in a solid relationship for the past ten years, even understand that kind of empty feeling, that level of hopelessness.

“Look, Ted’s wedding was right around the corner,” she tries to explain, “and I realized that bothered me, and the fact that it bothered me was confusing…..It was just a difficult time for me. It still is. Can’t you see that, Lily? My career has been going nowhere for years. And then I thought I got that national anchor job and I was so proud. It felt like the answer to everything, but it turned out it was just another failure. They didn’t want me. No one wanted me.” Robin closes her eyes heavily, remembering the darkness of that feeling. It was definitely one of the top low points in her life. “And that just spring-boarded into Ted and how ever since I’ve known him he’s had this thing for me, but now why didn’t he want to marry me anymore? What was so wrong with me that no one could want me, professionally or personally?” She struggles to put it into terms that Lily can relate to. “I know after I got back from Argentina there was this whole thing about winners and losers. Well, it was like Ted won. Not only the breakup but at life. He got everything he wanted – marriage and a kid – and I had nothing.” The problem is Lily doesn’t realize what it’s like being single and so very alone. She was just a teenager when she met the love of her life. She can’t begin to understand or empathize with how crazy it can make you being out there all on your own with no end in sight. “I thought that Ted was my only chance at marriage. And, I mean, that still might be true; I don’t exactly have any prospects. But at the time I felt like maybe marriage was my only option since my career had tanked.”

“But, Robin, you can’t get married just because you don’t like your job,” Lily rationalizes. “You should get married because you’re in love and you want to spend the rest of your lives together. And, yeah, sometimes people do settle and get married for companionship, but most of those marriages end in divorce when someone else comes along who they actually fall for. But you definitely can’t get married just because your career is looking bleak. Marriage has to be something you want. Is getting married something that you want now?”

Without question, Robin knows she used to want to get married when she was young. Then she grew up and got wiser, more cynical – but she had plenty of reasons to be. As far as she’d seen marriage seemed to only end in failure and loving someone always meant getting hurt. But lately, this past year in particular, her feelings have begun to change again. She found a steady group of friends, a quasi-family, and she’s realized she really likes the feeling of having someone who knows you and cares about you, someone you can count on. It actually feels good loving people and being loved in return, and so the idea of marriage has gradually become not so abhorrent to her anymore.

“I don’t know,” she finally answers. And she honestly doesn’t. She isn’t as panicked and repulsed by the thought of marriage as she used to be, but does that mean it’s something she actually desires for herself? “Maybe. Someday. I want to know I at least have that possibility.” Right now she doesn’t know what she wants – and then there’s always been the question of what she wants, what she’s drawn to, versus what’s good for her – but she’d like to keep her options wide open for when she does finally get it together someday. That’s why this unsettledness and all these dead ends and roadblocks everywhere really freak her out.

“But I didn’t actually want Ted.” She needs Lily to know that, especially if she retells the story of that night to Marshall. Knowing her, she probably already has, but maybe this will get back to him too. “I didn’t have feelings for Ted – I don’t have feelings for Ted. I’m not in love with him, and it’s not that I ever really wanted to marry him. I mean that’s basically why we broke up, because I was so horrified at the thought of him proposing…..But we’re still close. We’re still friends. And we had some good times together. There were positives to the relationship.”

This whole thing was exactly like the night they all went out to New Jersey to see Stella’s place and Lily and Barney tried to talk her out of groveling to get her old job back. “My mind started going back to Ted for the same reason that even though I hated it I almost went back to Metro News 1. I wasn’t happy there and it’s not what I wanted; I wanted a better fit, I wanted something more. But when you’re desperate and in a panic and afraid and just need something to cling to you tend to let yourself forget the bad and only think about the good.” Robin sees it as something like drowning in the ocean and you’re desperately clinging to a tiny little inner tube. Of course you’d rather it be a nice big lifeboat, but in a pinch you’ll grab at anything rather than going down into the darkness. “Because, the thing is, both Metro News 1 and Ted were the steady and sure and comfortable, familiar constants in my life. And I just kept thinking – ” She doesn’t want to admit it because it makes her sound so pathetic, but it’s true just the same. “I kept thinking they were better than nothing. That’s what you have to understand, Lily. You don’t know what it’s like staring out into a cold, bleak, dismal future of nothing. No hope, no prospects, nothing.”

“I do understand that,” Lily assures her, rubbing her arm comfortingly. “That’s how I felt in San Francisco when everyone kept telling me I wasn’t good enough to be an artist, and I was broke and miserable and thought I’d lost Marshall too. So I do know how that feels. But what I don’t understand is why now – I mean, then – I mean, that was just a few weeks ago, but you’ve been single for a year and half now. What, was it a delayed reaction?”

“I’ve been single, but even after I broke up with Ted it was nice knowing there was someone who still carried a torch for me that way,” Robin candidly admits. “I came back with a new boyfriend and Ted was still struggling and it was an ego boost. It felt good to know someone was out there wanting me and loving me and thinking I was special.”

It’s all Lily can do not to tell Robin about Barney. About how he’s fallen so desperately in love with her that even Barney Stinson couldn’t fight it. About how crazy he’d been the entire time she was gone in Japan. How she’s fairly certain he would do absolutely anything for her – and that’s even thinking she’s never going to feel the same way. But for once in her life Lily keeps the secret….at least from the person who matters, that is; she had to tell Marshall. This is Barney’s secret to tell so she keeps that knowledge to herself, even though it could be a game changer for Robin.

“It was comforting to know I always had that with Ted,” Robin continues, because as long as she’s on a roll she might as well get the rest of it out. “Yes, I wanted to find something more for myself. I wanted my dream, but….I guess I felt like if I ever decided I did want marriage I could always still have it because there would always be Ted. It was reassuring to know that I’d never have to be alone if I didn’t want to be because I could always come back and….” She pauses, finishing the rest slowly, only just now fully realizing it herself. “….I could always have a fallback in Ted if I needed it.” She cringes. “And now saying it out loud I hear how awful that sounds, but there it is.” She hates herself a little for having felt that way but it was how she legitimately felt.

Lily’s pieced it together and she thinks she has a pretty good picture of it now. “So you moved to Japan because you lost your fallback.”

“When I took the job in Japan I didn’t think it through. I was in a daze. I barely even heard the Japan part of it,” Robin divulges. “I just knew I needed my career back, so all I heard them say was the part where they wanted to offer me a job. That’s all my mind would focus on. The rest was all a haze. But once the haze wore off I realized how crazy it was accepting a job halfway around the world. And I knew – Lily, I knew as sure as you love Marshall that I didn’t want to go live in Japan all by myself. I didn’t want to leave the life I knew, the life I enjoyed, and leave all my friends and be so utterly alone. But I also knew that I had to go. I had to. I didn’t have a choice. When I said I was moving to Japan because Ted was getting married that is what I meant. Not because I loved him but because losing Ted as my fallback meant that I had to go. I didn’t even have any traces of a love life as a secondary option. It was my career or nothing, and Japan was the only option my career had left.”

“Okay,” Lily sorts it all out. “You felt like Ted was your only shot at getting married, and that was gone, so you had to push hard for career. I guess I get that. So that’s all there was to it?”

“Well, that’s not entirely all there was to it…..”

“Out with the rest,” Lily sighs.

“I also knew that if I didn’t go to Japan, if I admitted that the life of an independent, completely alone, jet-setting reporter may not be what I wanted after all then I’d be admitting that I’d walked away from my relationship with Ted – the only chance at marriage I ever had and at the rate I’m going probably ever will – for nothing. But,” Robin interjects before Lily can start, “even that wasn’t about Ted. It was about my entire romantic history. I’d always turned down relationship after relationship any time it started getting mildly serious because I told myself I needed to ‘focus on my career’. But if that was just a load of crap, if I really didn’t want to be the independent world traveler, then where did that leave me? Just running away from what could have been solid relationships for nothing. That’s why I had to make good on what I always said I wanted for my life. Ted getting married was just the final push. I mean, how could I sit there watching him live the life he always wanted and knowing the whole time that I was a fraud? So I had to make myself go be the person I always said I was.”

She had no way of knowing at the time that going to Japan was going to make her into an even bigger fraud. She pretended to all of them that things were going so well, but in reality she hated it. The job was a joke and she was homesick and she missed her friends terribly, and it’s time that she admits as much. “After my epic fail in Japan and finding out it was nothing more than the Pacific Rim’s version of Metro News 1, that wasn’t just another job down the drain. It proved I was a failure at everything – in romance and in career. I was just a joke no matter where I went. But even so, I couldn’t take it a minute longer. I quit my job and flew back to New York and then straight on to the ferry to Shelter Island and Ted’s dream wedding. I was walking right into his happily ever after and I, meanwhile, literally had nothing. Not even a place to stay. That’s why I said the things I said to Ted that day. Because I was lost, and confused, and so very alone.” It wasn’t fair to spring that on him, especially when she didn’t really want him, not at all. She just wanted him to want her. “….It’s just hard. I know that saying Ted was my fallback is a horrible thing to admit, but it’s hard walking that tightrope without a safety net. And that’s exactly what being single is, Lily. It’s like balancing out over nothing. It’s difficult, and it’s scary, and most of all it’s so lonely.”

Feeling lonely and lost is why she went to Barney on Shelter Island. When she contemplated her loneliness, when that feeling hit her of forever being alone, only one name, one man came to mind. Because he’s her never-fail cure for loneliness, or depression, or just generally feeling down. He always makes it better. Always.….He made it so much better the night that Simon dumped her. And not just the sex. The sex was amazing. The kind of primal, passionate, chemistry-fueled kismetic sex most people never even find and she herself would be returning to again and again were it not with Barney Stinson. But he didn’t just leave her body feeling good that night. He picked up the pieces and put her back together again. He made her feel genuinely better about herself and her life and her prospects, her entire outlook. He made her happy again. Just a few minutes with him and she was smiling and laughing and forgot all about why she was crying in the first place. He does that for her. Even when she was still with Ted and she had to give up her dogs and it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do, Barney was there for her and he seemed to understand and somehow he made it a little bit easier.

So when she was upset on Shelter Island, no longer in fight-or-flight desperation to get her safety net back but truly, deeply lost and upset and feeling rejected by everyone, the only one she wanted to go to was Barney – not Lily or Marshall, but Barney. She went to him to be reassured, to be comforted. Because he can do that for her like no one else. He has a way to somehow always make her feel better no matter how low she’s feeling or how seemingly dire the circumstances. She knew Barney would make it better, make her laugh, make her happy. And she wanted to feel that with him…..that, and everything else he can make her feel. She wanted to be mindless for a night, thoughtless, fearless. Not to think but only just to feel – and she knows now from experience that Barney can certainly make her feel incredible. She wanted to be sixteen again. Just like the first night they slept together, she wanted to let herself be free and vulnerable and open to things, not always fearing and even expecting – waiting for – the worst. And when she allowed herself for one night to let go of fear, the first thing she wanted to reach for was Barney.

Now Robin doesn’t know what she was thinking.

Barney is Barney. Of course he would have a woman with him, naked in his bed. It was a blatant and much-needed reminder that he’s Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson, who doesn’t do commitment and certainly not love. Like he’s just going to be waiting around to brighten her world and make her feel better. He’s too busy making himself feel good with one bimbo after the next.

Not that she blames him. It’s not his responsibility to see to her happiness. And why would a guy like Barney, who could be out picking up any woman in town, want to waste his night dealing with a mess like her? But it was an important reminder that Barney is even more of a dead-end than Ted is…..even if sometimes more and more what she really wants is to travel his way, explore that street anyway despite the risk.

But Robin can’t tell any of that to Lily so she leaves that part out. “The bottom line is, as hard and scary and lonely as being single is, now I see how crazy I was being just trying to grab on to whatever I could for security. I mean the situation really hasn’t changed; I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and it still feels like a whole lot of nothing staring me in the face and that still terrifies me. But I know that Ted isn’t the answer. He’s devastated that he lost Stella. He really loved her – and he deserves to have that kind of love…..We both deserve more than just settling.”

“You’re absolutely right.” Lily has to jump in now because so much of what she’s just heard is tragically misguided and clearly coming from a woman who for all her bravado has a heartbreakingly low sense of self-worth – not unlike the man who’s in love with her, the man who just had his arms around her looking at her like she hung the moon but then left without ever saying a word. “You both do deserve more. Everyone does. Everyone deserves to have real love.” Including Barney. “You’ve just got to give it some time, Robin. You’re sweet and funny and have the kind of figure women will kill for and men will drool over….and some women too,” she confesses in a rush. “Lots of guys are gonna want you. Any guy is gonna love you.”

When Barney called her to his apartment that morning two months ago to tell her he’s in love with Robin, the way he described how he felt about her would have moved anyone. And every now and then he’ll give Robin a look that’s filled with such love it even makes Lily ache from it. “You steal hearts left and right and don’t even know it,” Lily tells her. “Ted is certainly not your only chance at marriage. Whatever else you might think, you don’t ever have to worry about that. But can I ask you something as a friend? This new insight and calm you say you have, are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Ted is single again and therefore available as your fallback again so now you don’t have to be concerned?” Lily shrewdly observes.

“No. That’s now why,” Robin rejoins. “At least I don’t think so. It does take the pressure off, I can’t deny that, but Ted really does deserve to find real love. And I don’t know about me but….I think I’d at least like to have a relationship that fear of ending up alone wasn’t the driving motivation for.”

Lily smiles. “That sounds like a plan. A good start anyway.”

Robin gazes up at the stars, letting out a deep and heartfelt sigh. Then she looks back to the patio table and her waiting gun. “You wanna shot some bottles, Lil?” she asks, something of pleading in her voice. The past fifteen minutes have been much too deep for her taste. She needs to go back to some mindless shooting. Barney’s right; it is Canadian therapy.

“Alright,” Lily gives in, sensing that her friend needs this. “You can teach me.”

Robin’s face brightens and she reaches for her gun.

“But I think after a talk like that it calls for a bottle of wine. And maybe some snacks. I still have some prosciutto wrapped mozzarella balls left from last night.”

“That actually does sound good,” Robin agrees.

Lily returns a few minutes later with the requested items, and both the wine and the food look amazing to Robin. But while she’s distracted pouring herself a glass of wine, Lily takes back off across the rooftop. “Here, let me just close this so we don’t disturb the neighbors,” she says, pushing the rock that had been holding the door open back out of the way.

“NO!” Robin shouts, but it’s too late. The door is already clanging shut. “Lily, it locks from the inside,” she groans. “Now we can’t get back downstairs…..”

Neither one of them had their cell phones on them to call for help. They had to just wait up there until Marshall came home from work two hours later and found the note Lily left him explaining they were up on the roof. Meanwhile it started raining at least an hour before he came and they had to huddle up under the awning over the locked door.

But the prosciutto was excellent, and they hit all the bottles. All in all, it wasn’t a bad night and quite easy to laugh about now.

Part Three

Fanfic: Catching the Clock, 9.13, Part One

2014-02-14T17:08:25Z

AN: So much for this being a shorter chapter! It’s actually longer than the last one because I ended up writing a lengthy flashback based around something Lily and Robin told Darren in this episode, and then I also incorporated into that same flashback something I wrote back in the spring after 8.24 aired. I was waiting to deal with that when the locket stuff came back up, but after 9.17 I’m not sure that it ever will again so I decided to add that in here because it seemed like the proper point in time for them to have this discussion and I felt like the 8.24 flashback did need some clarification.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bass Player Wanted

“So what do you think about all this Lily and Marshall stuff?” Robin asks Barney once they’re alone in Ranjit’s limo on the way back to the hotel.

Robin had filled him in on Marshall’s job offer during their rehearsal dinner at the rink, but even if she hadn’t it was all Lily talked about the entire night anyway.

“I think it’s great that Marshall got the judgeship,” Barney speaks candidly. The entire group knew about Marshall going before the board and how Lily helped him prepare his speech. “That’s what they’d been trying for.”

Robin nods. “I know you thought Italy was crazy.” This isn’t the first time they’ve discussed their friends’ impending move but before it seemed like a done deal so there wasn’t much they could do but get on board with it. Privately, Barney had told her how dumb he thought it was and she’d basically agreed but neither one said anything to anyone else.

“I was trying to be supportive and not get in the middle of their marriage, but I always thought it was a bad idea. I mean they don’t even speak Italian.”

“And they have a kid,” she adds to the list of reasons that make the move seem absurd.

“Exactly,” Barney agrees. “That’s a lot to ask, to uproot the lives of two other people, just for one year.”

“Working for someone as unstable as the Captain too. He could call the whole thing off on a whim at any time and then where would they be?” she argues.

“They’re not twenty anymore. They have responsibilities here now and other things to think about, like do they want a kid who’s so confused he doesn’t even know what language to speak or what country he’s in – and who’s been away from his Uncle Barney during a key formative year so he has no idea how to live. The child won’t even be able to recognize a suit,” he shutters.

Robin smiles at that, though she knows he’s completely serious. It’s one of the many little things that make her crazy about him. “I’m all for travel and adventure and pursuing your career, you know that. But once you have a family it does tie you down. And, besides, Marshall’s is an unbelievable career opportunity.” For someone who has long been career-minded, Robin finds it somewhat astounding that Lily hasn’t even acknowledged what an accomplishment it is. “It’s almost unheard of for someone his age and with his experience to be offered a position like that. You can’t turn up your nose at an offer that good; it doesn’t come along every day. And if he takes it they’ll be set for life.”

Barney shakes his head in bemusement. “I don’t understand why they had to go to Italy anyway. I know Lily says she always wanted to see Europe but that’s what study abroad is for in college – and exactly what I meant about not being twenty anymore. And why can’t they just take a vacation there if she wants to see it so badly? This isn’t about her career. She can still be an art consultant, or whatever it is she does now, here.” He shrugs. “I kind of liked it when she was a teacher. She loves to boss everyone around; it seemed to suit her.”

“It is true that if they stay in New York both of them can pursue their dream careers. She wouldn’t have to go back to teaching. She’s had some success with the Captain. There’s no reason she can’t find another art consultant position right in the city.” It’s a hard call for Robin, leaving her torn on the whole Italy issue, because she feels disloyal disagreeing with Lily but in all honesty she thinks Marshall’s side of it makes more sense. “Don’t tell Lily I said this,” she confides in her fiancé, “but it does seem a little selfish.”

“It really does. What’s Marshall supposed to do in Italy with an American law degree?” he reasons. “Anyway, I could use a friend on the bench. If nothing else he could get my citations thrown out,” Barney says slyly, giving her a wink because he knows how sexy she finds his rap sheet.

And she does too, but Robin’s smirk soon falls and a feeling of slight self-reproach settles over her since she’s well aware of her own ulterior motives. “The truth is I know I can’t be objective about this. All the reasons we gave make rational sense, but I just want them to stay because I don’t want to lose my best girlfriend. My only girlfriend,” she sighs.

Barney sets his hand on her knee, his fingers rubbing her bare skin soothingly. “Even if they do go, it’ll only be for a year.”

“A lot can change in a year. Things changed completely for us since this time last year,” she points out.

“Thank god,” he murmurs, squeezing her knee affectingly.

She reaches over and takes his free hand in hers. “It worked out for us, but if Lily goes to Italy, Barney, she might come back a completely different person. Look how weird she got when she first took the job.”

“I think she’d snap out of it once she got back home,” he reassures her.

“What if she never wants to come back home?” she quietly poses.

Barney gently extracts his hand from hers to put his arm around her, drawing her against him. “You’ll always have me either way. I’m no Lily – and that’s fortunate cause I’m way awesomer and I have a penis, which we both know you can’t live without – but I can listen, anytime you need me.”

“I know,” Robin smiles up at him. “You listening right now.” She leans in and kisses him tenderly, a kiss that’s only brought to an end by the car slowing to a stop at the Farhampton Inn.

Back in the hotel bar, just after ten, all four of them reunite around the table and it leads to a wistful discussion of the one still-missing member of the gang: the 30 year bottle of Glen McKenna. Oh, and of course Marshall too.

It takes Lily less than a minute to pull things back around to her crisis, telling them all for the hundredth time how she still can’t believe he took the judge position behind her back, but she swears she’s not going to force them to choose sides.

“Good, because I totally side with Marshall,” Barney states, unwittingly dropping them into a potential minefield. Robin’s eyes grow huge and she gives him a look, trying to warn him away, but he doesn’t look over and misses it. “That would have been so awkward….”

In an attempt to defuse the situation Ted takes Barney over to the bar in search of replacement Glen McKenna. Left alone with Lily at the table, Robin rubs her forehead, knowing she’s about to hear an earful against her soon-to-be husband. Endeavoring to head it off at the pass, her immediate defense is to play if off by blaming it on Barney’s desire to get all his citations thrown out.

Mystified, Lily questions, “How often does Barney pee in public?”

“A lot,” Robin smiles in girlish veneration. His defiant attitude toward public urination makes him something of a rebel and a bad boy. No one can tell Barney Stinson when or where to pee. He’s a maverick, the law be damned. Lil’ Barney won’t be controlled – by anyone but her, that is, which makes it all the hotter. “But don’t worry, I’m on your side,” she lies.

Lily doesn’t have a chance to respond because they’re disrupted by some annoying guy coming up to their table and joining them uninvited, and the two women begin a telepathic conversation about who this creep is and which one of them he’s going to try to sleep with. When he compliments them both Robin assumes he’s going for the tricycle –a thought she finds laughable that they’d ever consider – but Lily is alarmingly into the idea of a three-way that turns into a two-way with just them, naked and going at each other. Robin stops her before things get too awkward, however, they do anyway once the man reveals he’s actually a guest at the wedding who knows that she is the bride and Barney is the groom, yet Robin still has no idea who he is.

All of their subsequent attempts to subtly figure out his identity quickly fail. He’s no relative of Robin’s or Barney’s. Maybe he’s a co-worker at GNB? She still knows so little about her fiancé’s work life and whenever she’s asked him over the years Barney has always told her that he’s keeping her in the dark for her own good. Knowing what she does about the company, she doesn’t doubt it. Still, she’s dying to know the truth about what he does for a living. The bottom line right now though is that this guy could easily be from GNB and she’d never know, although she hasn’t ever seen him before when she’s visited Barney at work.

But, whoever he is, he has a talent for worming his way in, and soon both women are letting their guard down with him.

“So, Robin, I know you of course. But who is this lovely lady here?”

“Oh. I’m sorry. This is Lily, my best friend and maid of honor. Lily, this is – ” Robin hesitates, having no idea who the man actually is let alone his name, but he jumps in before she can even finish.

“Darren,” he says, thrusting out his hand for Lily to shake, which she does while glancing uneasily over to Robin who’s simply grateful for the stranger’s direct, forward nature that saved her the embarrassment of admitting she has no clue who he is.

“Okay, so, best girlfriends in New York City….I bet you’ve got a million wild and crazy stories to tell, two women like you, so lively and vivacious.”

Robin looks to Lily and they both smile. “Yes, I guess we do,” she replies, increasingly owning it, enjoying the idea of coming off as lively and vivacious.

“I’ll bet you do.” Darren turns to Lily. “Give me a little of your antics, mishaps, riotous things that happened to you.”

Equally enjoying the flattery, Lily runs with it. “O-okay, well….there was that one time up on the roof with the gun and – you remember, Robin. Back when you were staying with me and Marshall at the old apartment?”

“Yeah,” Robin grins, realizing they actually do have something to tell. “That was a hysterical mishap!” She looks to Darren. “You’re gonna love this story.”

Naturally she won’t tell him the whole story, parts of which are hysterical but other parts are quite personal and revealing of the place she was in back at that time. Four and a half years ago she was lost, lonely, confused and unsure, raging an inner war with herself and slowly discovering in the process that love and marriage were a top priority for her after all – as well as fighting a losing battle with falling desperately, irretrievably in love with Barney Stinson….

November 2008

Robin can’t sleep, which is nothing new. Since she came back from Japan her body’s clock is all off, unsure what time zone it’s in anymore, and then there’s the general state of morose that’s bogging her down, not knowing where her life is heading and feeling like a failure.

Since it’s been a pleasant fall thus far and today’s temperature was even milder, she throws only her bathrobe on over her pajama set, slips a pack of cigarettes into the robe’s one pocket and her lighter into the other, and after grabbing an extra bottle she plans to empty while she’s up there as well as her favorite handgun, Robin heads up to Marshall and Lily’s roof.

While neither one of them approve of their house guest’s activities, when she’s not eating beer floats to cheer herself up she’s taken to shooting empties lined up on the roof’s edge to ease her anxiety and make her feel a little bit better about life.

Ten minutes later, balancing a cigarette between her lips, she takes aim, ready to annihilate the third bottle on the ledge still standing next to the shards of its fallen brothers. She’s just about to squeeze the trigger when she hears a sudden shuffling noise so unexpected and so close behind her it makes her physically jump. “Son of a – ” Lurching around, she sees a familiar suited-up figure already through the open doorway and standing only a few feet from her. “Barney!” she shouts, her heart still going a mile a minute. “You scared me.” It’s a fact he doesn’t seem very contrite about; she can tell that he’s laughing.

“Ha-ha!” he gloats, grinning at her. He reaches over for the cigarette now between her fingers. “Here, let me bum a hit.” She hands it to him and he takes a long draw before passing it back.

“You know, I could have shot you,” she remarks, bringing the cigarette back to her own lips.

Barney gives her a dismissing look. “After all the gun safety rants I’ve heard from you? Not likely. Although I am talking about the woman who misplaced a gun twice.”

Dropping the cigarette to the roof and snuffing it out with her slipper, Robin sets her gun down on the small patio table next to her half empty beer and looks back up at him curiously. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“No one was at the bar. I got bored. Even the talent was lacking.”

“On a Thursday night after eleven? Imagine that.”

“So I came over here to see you,” he explains and then quickly catches his slip-up. “You guys. Collectively. All of you.” Satisfied with that recovery and seeing no change in Robin’s expression other than a slightly quizzical tilt of the eyebrow for half a second, he continues. “I got all the way over here and out of the cab by the time I remembered Marshall’s still at GNB working on those contracts, which means Lily is probably bored too and went to bed. But then I heard the gunshots and knew it had to be you up here.”

Robin nods, accepting that, for which he breathes an internal sigh of relief. It would be too hard explaining why he did, in fact, come over here specifically seeking her out.

“Where’s Ted?” she wonders. “Why aren’t you forcibly wingmanning him right now?”

“Like you said; it’s after eleven. Past his bedtime.”

Robin gives an appalled look. “He really went upstairs to bed too?”

“Right around nine o’clock,” Barney confirms.

She shakes her head. “Well at least he threw away his map and he’s going out again. That was ridiculous. There was practically nothing but water in the ‘safe zone’,” she says with air quotes.

“Yeah. Stella really did a number on him. That’s why I always say, don’t get married until your thirty.”

“Ted is thirty,” she scoffs.

“He was barely thirty when he proposed. And emotionally Ted’s still twenty-five tops,” he reasons. “Now he’s probably stunted there, thanks to Stella.”

“The whole thing was messed up,” Robin agrees.

Barney debates with himself if he should say anything, if he should directly address the other things that happened at Ted’s almost-wedding or just leave well enough alone. Usually ignoring the uncomfortable is his first instinct, however he’s given it a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks and the thing is he was hoping to get Robin to sleep with him at the hotel but why did she turn up at his door? It was all a part of his carefully crafted equation that he would get her guard down and then she’d go along with it and let things happen. But he never once considered Robin voluntarily showing up and doing the propositioning herself. And she wasn’t even drunk yet.

Beyond that, even if she hadn’t actually meant to proposition him – though it sure as hell seemed like it – he thinks a little clearing of the air is in order anyway. For whatever reason Robin came to him that night, she left less than happy and he feels like he owes her an apology for that or at least an explanation. “Speaking of that weekend,” he begins, taking a steadying breath before diving the rest of the way in, “we never talked about what happened on Shelter Island.”

“Nothing happened on Shelter Island,” Robin is quick to answer even as alarm floods over her. She’d hoped Barney would never mention it, and since some time had passed she thought for certain she’d gotten away with it unquestioned.

“You came to room, and I was….otherwise occupied,” he puts it tactfully. “I’m really sorry about that.”

Robin’s alarm increases. Since when does Barney Stinson apologize for banging some woman?….Unless he’s on to her. Unless he correctly suspects she planned on being the one in his bed that night, that she wanted it to be her instead. And if that’s the case, she needs to get him off that track of thinking immediately. “What’s there to be sorry for? You had a naked girl tied to your bed. That’s the dream, isn’t it?”

Regrettably, his own words and tricks keep coming back to bite him with Robin. A random naked girl tied to his bed used to be the dream. Now the definition of ‘the dream’ has gotten a lot more muddled. “Yeah but….bros before hos. I should have been there for you.”

Robin is caught somewhere between relief and disappointment realizing that he’s only apologizing to her because of Bro Code dictates and not because of anything to do with the two of them. The truth is she honestly wasn’t mad that night, not really – though even she couldn’t ignore the very distinct edge of hurt that came from the discovery of Barney already with someone else. “Well you didn’t know I was coming,” she offers with a shrug.

He did, but he didn’t. He’d hoped that’s where the two of them would end up, back in his room, but it was by no means a sure thing.

“And I was the one who left; you didn’t kick me out.” Robin needs to make that much clear for sake of her pride. It wasn’t a technical rejection. She was the one who did the walking.

She’s not admitting to anything, not that he expected her to, so Barney throws out his ace in the hole. “Why did you come to my room that night?” he asks directly, his eyes studying hers closely.

There go those alarm bells again and she does the only thing she ever does at a time like this – deny, deny, deny. “I didn’t have a room of my own. I needed a place to stay, remember?”

“And I was your first choice?” he asks pointedly, trying to get her to admit for the first time in the three years he’s known her that she may have actually been the one making a move. “Why not bunk with Lily?”

Robin does her best not to let her inner fluster show. After all, this question at least has a plausible answer. “Where would Marshall go?” she laughs. “Or would we all three share the bed?”

“Please. Marshall can’t handle the tricycle, especially not with you and Lily.” But, more to the point, her own reasoning just implicated herself and he’s not about to let that go. “And that raises the question, were you going to share my bed?”

“I was going to share a bottle of scotch,” Robin answers firmly. “But it was my mistake. With a wedding and desperate, vulnerable bridesmaids everywhere I should have known you wouldn’t be alone.”

Barney looks away. “That is the perfect storm to get a girl to sleep with you.” She’s got it pretty much spot on. All of his hours of plotting on the white board in his office essentially boiled down to that. But what she doesn’t know is the only one he was planning to use it on that weekend was her.

“Exactly,” she grants. “And it’s not like you’re gonna turn that down.”

Ironically, he had actually, though she has no clue that’s what happened. Stella’s sister had been hitting on him the entire time, it’s true, and he had to work to turn down the easy sex that was available there. But she wasn’t the girl Robin found in his room. No, Stella’s sister only showed up later. He himself sought out the front desk girl – and it wasn’t because he just wanted a quick bang; if that’s what he was after he could have gotten it from the obviously kinky sister of the bride.

What actually happened is he’d gone down to the lobby to see if Robin had arrived yet and while waiting there alone for her his integrity got the better of him – his integrity where she’s concerned anyway, which may be the only integrity he has. Subconsciously he knew the entire time that seducing a lonely, vulnerable, and he’d hoped drunk Robin into sex wasn’t right. He couldn’t do that to her, nor was it the way he wanted her in his bed again – willingly, eagerly, and with no regrets afterwards. So he panicked and hooked up with the first girl he saw because that would keep him from being able to hook up with Robin, who he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to resist on his own.

Of course that was all before she showed up – sober and at his doorstep, freely seeking out his company. And she was so beautiful….so perfect and so very Robin right there in the flesh after too long, too far away, not even able to see her. Naturally in that moment he wanted to sleep with her desperately, right or wrong. But it was too late then. He’d already done the noble thing by setting out to bang the front desk girl and that detour was too far in motion to call off once Robin saw the other girl lying there.

“I don’t blame you,” Robin tells him quietly, bringing his mind back to the present. “You were just being Barney Stinson.”

“Right,” he sadly nods. “Being Barney Stinson.” He can’t deny the sting at that. It’s the same sting he felt when he was trying to take her out on a legitimate first date but she set him up with their waitress, thanking him for being so nice to her by wingmanning him an easy lay which to her mind would be his ultimate prize. She was just helping him be Barney Stinson then in the same way that she’s excusing his behavior at Shelter Island now. She’ll never see him as anything more, and until and unless she does there’s no hope of anything between them other than the slight possibility of one more night she’ll regret and pretend never happened. And that’s why, though he hates it, it really was for the best that he’d been noble and Robin caught him in the act, preventing him from going back on that nobility. “But it’s a good thing I did pick up that woman. If she wasn’t there and you had stayed with me, you would have hated the morning after.”

Robin looks up sharply, wondering again if he’s recognized what she really had in mind that night, but praying he bought into her excuse of simply needing lodging instead.

“You know, when Ted found the note from Stella,” Barney clarifies, letting her off the hook.

Of course, her harried mind thinks, relishing her reprieve. Ted’s whole jilted groom thing. Of course that’s what Barney’s talking about. “Yeah, that must have been rough,” she manages.

“So,” he says far more lightly, and she knows that a very appreciated change of subject is coming before he’s even finished. “What’s it like living with the marrieds?”

Robin lets out a puff of air, half sigh and half laugh. “Like being in no man’s land.”

“Ech, I can imagine,” he reacts in disgust. “All Marshmallow and Lily Pad 24/7.”

“No,” she shakes her head. “I mean, yeah, that is annoying, but it’s kind of sweet for them.” Robin looks up into his eyes, so blue and at the moment so open. She remembers looking into those same eyes the night Simon dumped her and like that night she knows she can be honest with him, tell him things she’d never tell the others, and there will be no judgment, only a safe space to vent. “They just have their life so together…..It makes me feel like mine is even more a mess,” she admits. “I don’t know, I just – I need to get out. I can’t keep staying here.”

“You think Marshall and Lily have it all together?” Barney questions cynically. “Lily sells paintings to dogs and a couple months ago Marshall wasn’t even wearing pants. Robin, you only just got back from Japan – and kudos for coming to your senses and returning to the greatest city on the face of the planet, btw.” She laughs at that and he continues in a softer tone, “The point is you’ll get it together too. You’ll have a new apartment and a better job in no time.”

“Thanks, Barney,” Robin smiles. “I’m not sure I agree with you, but thanks.”

Seeing that self-doubt creep into her features again, he moves in several steps. “Hey,” he says gently, setting two fingers beneath her chin and tipping it up, forcing her to maintain eye contact with him. “It’s the truth.”

Robin smiles softly again and for a moment neither one of them moves. It’s just the two of them, standing close together underneath the stars with only the sound of the city breaking the silence. It wouldn’t take much for her to be in his arms but that’s not how either one of them play the game. They both need some insurance before they take action, a guarantee this is what the other one wants – or at the very least an out, a cover, an excuse for their behavior should it blow up in their face afterwards as they each figure it inevitably will.

So Barney merely moves removes his fingers, grazing them lightly over her shoulder before returning his hand to his own side and casually putting some polite distance between them again. He looks away, easing his hands into his pockets and glancing out into the city beyond them – anything for a momentary distraction.

Robin stands there motionless a second longer, still looking into the space where he’d just been. And then she heads determinedly back to the patio table, picking up her gun and pointing it at the next empty bottle on the ledge.

“Back to shooting?” Barney questions. “That must mean you’re still upset – though at least you’ve laid off the smoking, so that’s something.”

“There are lots of reasons to want to go to the shooting range – or in this case Marshall and Lily’s roof. Feeling depressed. Feeling lost. Feeling angry.” As she answers she looks over at him in his navy suit. Somewhere between the bar and here he’s lost his tie, leaving the first buttons of his shirt undone, and as her eyes drift over his throat her real reason for picking up the gun in this particular moment hits her square in the face: feeling sexually frustrated. “Lots of reasons,” she mutters.

“I know another way to deal with all those feelings….” he counters.

“Yeah, but that way nearly just made you a father,” she teases him. “You’ve got to find a less risky outlet.” Watching him watch her, Robin slowly lowers the weapon, an idea occurring to her. “Do you know how to handle a gun, Barney?”

“The one attached to me,” he quips and she laughs.

“Come here,” she beckons. “I’ll show you.”

Ordinarily Barney wouldn’t want any part of shooting empty beer bottles on a rooftop, particularly when he has no way of knowing where the bullets are going – although she has lined them up on the side facing the river and devoid of further buildings. But he’d stoop to just about anything for an excuse to be near her.

He moves in close again, reaching inside her unbelted robe to tug on the bottom of her pajama shirt. “Cute by the way,” he smirks.

“Shut up,” Robin retorts, unable to fight a smile. She positions him in front of her facing the ledge and carefully hands him the gun, warning him, “It’s loaded.”

“So’s the one attached to me.”

Grinning despite herself, she ignores that. “First rule, always keep your eye on the target,” Robin instructs. Edging in closer, she brings her arms up over his to guide his aim. The position puts them inadvertently into full body contact, something they’re both instantly and acutely aware of. Barney straightaway breaks her first rule, turning his head to look at her, and now their mouths are mere inches away.

Robin can feel his breath against her lips and she’s hit with a rush of attraction, a surge of pure lust coursing through her making all the good places tingle and heightening her awareness of the muscles of his back shifting against her breasts. She wants to be kissing him. Badly. She wants him to press her up against the open door and –

She shakes herself out of it, telling herself a firm ‘no’.

“Eyes on the target,” she reminds him. But because it’s late and she’s depressed she allows herself the one simple pleasure of running her hands over his sculpted arms as she helps him center the gun. She slides her palm over the back of his hand and even that little bit of contact feels good as she curls his finger over the trigger. “Watch out for the kickback,” she coaches him, letting go but not moving away. For his own safety, she tells herself.

He squeezes the trigger and though it’s not a direct hit, only the edge of the bottle, it does shatter some glass. “See, there you go,” Robin says proudly, setting her hand to his waist. “Only this next time aim just a little bit more to the right.”

“Maybe it would help if I could mirror your stance,” Barney suggests, knowing full-well what he’s doing. Even if it isn’t right to seduce her when she’s vulnerable and even if it doesn’t lead to actual sex, he’s still a man and he can get a little something out of it. “Show me how you do it,” he asks, all pretext of innocent yearning to learn. He doesn’t even wait for her response before physically moving her in front of him so her back is pressed against his front.

“Alright,” she answers at length, taking the gun back from him.

He moves his arms up over hers and Robin feels surrounded by him – his warmth, his scent, just enveloped in Barney. She wants more than anything to lean back and give in to it. It’s an evocative reminder of the last time they were this close and it brings all sorts of intimate images and remembered sensations to the surface.

“Now what do I do?” he murmurs somewhere near her neck, his voice unintentionally thick and deep but he can’t help it when she’s this close and what he aches to be doing with her right now has nothing to do with target practice.

Goose bumps form where his breath fell and a little shiver runs through her. “Your arms are good.” He can keep them there all night as far as she’s concerned. “But you need to be on eye level with me to see where I’m aiming.”

Barney bends down, leaning in over her until his check brushes against hers.

And that’s when Lily comes walking out onto the rooftop.

Part Two