Movies in Fifteen Minutes

The Avengers in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 19:45:49 GMT

PREVIOUSLY ON: MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES: Prometheus.

HI.

Got a new feature here: the LJ "like" function, which seems to work more like Tumblr's reblog than stealing my stuff, so I tentatively endorse this; it's not the problem I have with people jacking entire entries and reposting them as their own work.

ETA: Apparently the new LJ repost function is bringing in some (very angry) complaints, so we're going to have to reverse that endorsement. I'm leaving the Twitter/Facebook/G+ options on since no one seems to have any problems with those. If you are seeing this entry and do not wish to see this entry I am very sorry and have done what I can to prevent it from happening again.

This one ran long. Given the movie in question, I don't think anyone will really mind. Don't know what, if anything, I might do next, except that I will soldier through the ~thrilling conclusion~ of Breaking Dawn or die trying.

Somewhere in Deep Space

[Loki, God of Mischief, has returned from the galactic abyss to make a deal with the shadow-hoodie leader of the Chitauri:]

THE OTHER: Are you sure you want our help attacking Earth so you can rule it?

[The Other what?]

THE OTHER: Because we're going to trash the place, let me tell you.
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LOKI: Absolutely. So help me Allfather, I am going to subjugate something if it kills all of us. A small township, a parking deck, a coffee mug. I'm open to options here.

THE OTHER: And... if we help you rule... something, you'll turn the Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power over to us?

LOKI: Cross my heart and hope to lie.

THE OTHER: Then, unto you, Loki Laufeyson, I bestow this laserblaster scepterspear. Go forth and wreck shit. But I warn you: should you fail, another, far greater than I, will be most displeased.

LOKI: An other? But you're the--

THE OTHER: ANOTHER OTHER. THE OTHER OTHER. JUST GO GET THE CUBE, OKAY.

Some Top-Secret Underground S.H.I.E.L.D. Facility

[Previously on all the Marvel movies ever, Samuel L. Jackson was in them if you stayed in your seat long enough.]

DIRECTOR NICK FURY: So WHY is the Tesseract doing shit on its own, exactly?

PROFESSOR SELVIG: Shhhh, you'll hurt Tess's feelings. It's a pretty widdle ultimate cube of ultimate power, yes it is.
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FURY: I knew we should have gotten Murry in on this instead. Where's Barton?

SELVIG: So shiny.

FURY: BARTON I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

[Clint Barton, code name: Hawkeye, is an archer/spysassin assigned to protect the Tesseract. Seriously, nothing is going to get past him. Absolutely nothing. You better believe it.]
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CLINT: Yeah, the rest of us are kind of concerned. I mean, the cube is a portal, right? We have no idea if there's cake on the other side, or if it's truthful at all.

FURY: Look, I don't know what the fuck it is, but I'm packing that shit up and--the fuck is this?

[While Fury is tossing some gangster's soul out of a suitcase, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE MATERIALIZES.]

Five Minutes Later

[Clint and Selvig drive off merrily into the night with the Tessacase; Loki, Asgardian god of legend, is riding in the back of their truck like someone's golden retriever.]
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FURY [on radio]: COME IN, SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL! SOME TRICK-ASS MOTHERFUCKER JUST CAME INTO MY FACILITY AND STOLE MY GODDAMN PLOT POINT, AND HE BRAINWASHED MY DAMN SCIENTIST AND MY GODDAMN SUPER ASSASSIN WITH SOME BULLSHIT GLOWSTICK CANE! THE FUCK YOU GONNA GET DOWN HERE AND DO ABOUT IT?

POWERS BOOTHE, ON BEHALF OF THE SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL: Did you get the Ominous Phase 2 Super-Weapons out?

FURY: HOW ABOUT YOU SEND ME A HELICOPTER AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT?

It's the one that says BAD MUGHUQQA

POWERS BOOTHE: Did New Agent Hill and Fan Favorite Coulson make it out alive?

AGENT MARIA HILL [climbing out of wreckage]: I'M A LITTLE MORE CRUMPLED THAN I EXPECTED TO BE IN MY VERY FIRST SCENE, BUT I'M HERE

FURY: YES OF COURSE THEY GODDAMN DID, IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY IN THE MOVIE FOR CHARACTERS WITH NAMES TO DIE! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?

[Then Fury's secret facility craters.]
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FURY: MY SATELLITE COLLECTION!!!

A Scene That Must Have Happened

FURY: SO WHO GETS TO BE IN THE AVENGER INITIATIVE AND GET MY DAMN CUBE BACK?

HILL: Well, obviously, everyone who already had their own movie.

FURY: So--Stark, Banner, and Rogers? We have enough screen time to handle that, yeah.

COULSON: Don't forget Donald! I never did get to debrief him.
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FURY: Vikings gonna vike on their own time, I'm not dealing with more alien shit. Again. SOME MORE. Barton's fried, so… let's bring in Black Widow, she has experience fighting in tight fabrics--Coulson, go get Romanoff and tell her to find Banner, delegate that shit.

COULSON: What about Ant-Man?

FURY: He's already here, he was right over… [checks bottom of boot] … he's busy right now.

HILL: What about Wasp? I can call Janet up--

FURY: You and Romanoff, that's two whole women. Do you understand that this is twice as many as most action movies have? I don't know how many more ladies you think I can cram into this Initiative.

HILL: Well, what about Tony's BFF War Machine, even? It'd be like having two Iron Men!
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FURY: Hill, if we get enough superheroes together to win this thing before it even starts, this movie will be over in half an hour. This ain't Marvel's Avengers Assemble for Five Minutes.

The side-eye, expertly executed

Some Russian Mobster Warehouse

[…where they store fight scenes. Also, chandeliers. You gotta get a chandelier. PREVIOUSLY ON: IRON MAN 2 (2010), Natasha Romanoff was an undercover spysassin with S.H.I.E.L.D. who spent a lot of time up in Tony Stark's business because reasons, and who also specializes in catsuit waif-fu. She is currently tied to a chair, in imminent danger of tooth extraction while a sleazy mobster monologues at her, until… his phone rings?]

NATASHA [phone on shoulder]: Do you mind, Coulson? I'm subverting the expectations of the patriarchy over here, I can't make torture pouts if I'm ON THE PHONE.

COULSON [on phone]: We've got a Code 7, Natasha. Need you to go get Big Green.

NATASHA: Oh, COME ON! I'm nearly done working these morons over--

HEAD GENERAL RUSSIAN MOBSTER: Эй!

COULSON: EXCUSE ME THIS IS IMPORTANT

NATASHA: Please. Which end-of-the-world scenario is Seven? Scared baby monsters, or running away from the temperature, or California falling into the sea?

COULSON: Alien army using Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power to destroy the planet.
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NATASHA: Chairing some guys to death, please hold.

HEAD GENERAL RUSSIAN MOBSTER: Что?

It takes many years to master the art of chairtitsu

♪♫ The girl from I-pa-nema goes wal-king and… ♪♫

COULSON: Don't forget your foot fetish.

NATASHA [retrieving spike-heeled shoes] [tiptoeing slooooow] [in ripped black stockinnngsss]: Oh, thanks.

Some Destitute Village, India

[PREVIOUSLY ON: A COUPLE OF HULK MOVIES that I'm not sure we're supposed to remember since they keep recasting Bruce Banner, HULK SMASH.]

NATASHA: Dr. Banner, I have come all by myself and without any stealth troops aiming massive guns at you right now because S.H.I.E.L.D. needs you to find the Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power by searching for its gamma ray emissions and… um. Gamma rays. You know. The whole… you… thing.

BRUCE: But I really like working with the dying desperate poor in India! It's so relaxing!

NATASHA: But the planet needs you--

BRUCE: ROAR NO!
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[Natasha and her stealth troops shit kittens.]

BRUCE: lol j/k

Some Vintage Gym

[PREVIOUSLY ON: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011), this whole Tesseract thing was explained, so I hope you saw it. In case you didn't, Steve Rogers is punching his flashbacks in the face to catch you up on how he sacrificed himself during World War II to save the Ultimate Cube from Red Skeletor and ended up frozen in the Arctic for a number of decades and missed his dance with Peggy Carter who's stuck here in 70 years later in the deleted scenes, woe.]

FURY: Rogers, before we finally got around to digging you out of an ice floe, we recovered the Tesseract from the ocean floor where Red Skeletor dropped it--
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STEVE: Look, could we not go through my flashbacks again? This is really painful for me.

FURY: BLAH BLAH BLAH ALIEN NORSE GOD HAS IT NOW YOU GONNA HELP US GET IT BACK OR NOT?

The Brand-New STARK Building, Manhattan

PEPPER: Hay Phil haaaaay
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TONY: Excuse me, Coulson, the lady and I are having champagne time right now. Never interrupt a man's champagne time.

COULSON: Mr. Stark, we have a Code 7 world-ending scenario that requires your immediate attention!

TONY: Coulson, I just built this entire tower with my own two hands and invented an entirely new, ego-based form of clean energy to power it, and my goatee is tired. GTFO, s'il vous plaît.

COULSON: Read this. Then you'll understand.

A SMALL TOP SECRET FILE: DEPARTMENT OF BACK STORY--IRON EYES ONLY.

TONY: Well, being a multitasking playboy hyphenate genius and all, I can knock this out in plenty of time before Pepper has to fly to D.C.--

[When Tony loads it onto his magical touch-screen computer system, the PREVIOUSLY ONs cover every glass surface in the penthouse, including all the windows, two TVs, three side tables and a small microwave oven.]
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TONY: LIFE RUINER.

Loki's Secret Underground Lab

[…because where else are you going to do secret underground science? Surprisingly, the God of Mischief turns out to be an incredibly supportive employer, when he's not mind-melding with the Chitauri's very impatient, extremely cranky pain specialists.]

LOKI: Anything you need? My lab is your lab. Coffee? Ergonomic chair? Squeezy stress-relief ball? Because I could really use a squeezy stress-relief ball right now.

SELVIG [starry-eyed]: Tess is all I need. Well, actually, Tess would like some iridium.

CLINT [studying schematics]: Welp, looks like I'll need an eyeball to get it.
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LOKI: Done! Mischief Unlimited is dedicated to providing solutions for you.

The Helicarrier

STEVE: Where do you even get a giant amphibious invisible airship?
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FURY: Bought it off a couple of disappointed steampunks. Too many of the gears actually did something.

BRUCE: I've cellphoned the satellites to facial the recognitions! Your rogue Norse god seems to be... going to the opera in Germany?

NATASHA: We have to catch him! Everyone on the Quinjet!

STEVE: But... if he's in Germany right now, and we're in the United States...

NATASHA: But the Quinjet is really fast!

STEVE: ... seriously, I've been on this trip before, it kind of takes a while...

NATASHA: GET ON THE JET, IT'S ALREADY HALFWAY THERE

Hindsight Being What It Is

FURY: Look, Coulson, I'd like to have a talk with you while everyone else is out heroing. This is a Joss Whedon Experience so obviously someone is going to bite it, and I don't like your chances. Do you have eight days until retirement?

COULSON: Nope, I'm planning to work right up until the day I die.

FURY: Coulson, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about. Do you have a wife and/or kids? Do you have cherished pictures of them that you show to coworkers at emotional moments?

COULSON: Just my vintage Captain America trading cards!

FURY: Right… but are you in love with anyone besides Rogers?

COULSON: There's this cellist I kind of, you know, like-like, but…

FURY: That's not good. Are you someone's mother? A musical love interest? A lesbian?
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COULSON: I'm… pretty sure… none of the above?

FURY [narrowing eye]: You might just have a fighting chance, Coulson.

COULSON: Well, I hope so, because I've got a lot to live for--

FURY: DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME.

Stuttgart State Opera, Cleveland, Germany
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[Loki pimps on into Der Fancypantsenpartyein, which is terrible fake German and yet more than anyone speaks in this scene.]

LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERTRICKSTER
HIS SCARF IS FLY AND SO ARE HIS DADDY ISSUES
DAMN

Some Secret Underground Science Vault

[If you don't store your science underground, I just really don't even know why you bother.]

CLINT: Ready to scan some retinas, boss!

Die Screaminrunninhiden

[And then Loki has some kind of ocular zester thing and does something screamy to Dr. Iridium's eye AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BECAUSE I COULDN'T WATCH IT AND THEN I GUESS HE BEAMS IT OVER TO HAWKEYE SOMEHOW UNDERGROUND RETINAL SCANNER VAULT BLEE OMG EYE THINGS NOOOOO]
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THE TERRIFIED MULTITUDES: OKTOBERFEST!!!

[Out in the street, Loki morphs into his full kingly, hornly regalia, using illusions of himself to corral the shrieking crowd, because Loki Laufeyson is gonna rule the shit out of something before the night is over.]

(LOKI)²: Mortal ants! I have come to crush you beneath my godly boot, to toss you on my immortal horns, and to liberate you from the double-plus ungoodness of personal autonomy! Bow to the multiple iterations of my singular purpose, and I will free you from freedom!

SOME GERMAN GUY [whispering to companion]: I have questions.

SOME GERMAN GIRL: Go for it.

SOME GERMAN GUY: What is he saying?

SOME GERMAN GIRL: It seems to be English, but strangely, I understand it perfectly.

SOME GERMAN GUY: No, I do too, I just do not understand what any of those words mean in that order. Where did he come from? What does he want? How are there two of him at once? How does he not collapse under the weight of those gigantic elk horns?

LOKI: KNEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!1!!!

ONE PRECIOUS OLD MAN: In Germany, we will bow to no more tyrants. Never again.

A LOKI: Are those… sad Holocaust movie violins? Did you just Godwin me?

ANOTHER LOKI: *SCEPTER BL--

A LOKI: Oh, what now?

STEVE [brandishing shield]: Son, I'm the man who punched Hitler in the face. I'm here to drink Ovaltine and kick ass, and they don't make Ovaltine anymore.

A LOKI: Actually, I'm pretty sure they do?
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STEVE: Ooh, really?

A LOKI: *SCEPTER BLAST*

[Somehow, Cap expects to defeat a laserspear-wielding villain with nothing but defensive equipment. Fortunately, Tony awesomes down in his Iron Man suit.]

TONY: Where's the life ruiner?

EVERYONE: *points*

TONY: Your ass is mine, Blitzen.

[As it turns out, scepter beats shield, but awesome beats scepter, and "henchdudes running away with the iridium" beats "not being able to be in two places at once."]
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LOKI: Unlike some of us.

TONY: Give it up, Loki!

LOKI [shrugging]: Okay.

A Dark and Stormy Night

STEVE: Do you find it a little bit, you know, suspicious that he just... gave up?

TONY: Nah. Not being able to handle my awesome is a fairly standard reaction.

LOKI: Pardon--this "Quinjet" of yours, is it weather-proof?

NATASHA: I... guess...?
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[THOR'D!]

Some German Forest

[PREVIOUSLY ON: THOR (2011), Thor's brother Loki found out that he was not actually the Asgardian son of Odin, but rather the discarded runt of the king of the vanquished frost giants, and also he was really super bitter about Thor showing off all the time, and thus: shenanigans. Of course, the last time we saw Asgard, Thor had pounded the Intergalactic Rainbow Bridge into confetti and Loki was making tragic faces in a black hole.]

THOR: Brother! Thou dost live!

LOKI: Yes, of course I do, don't you ever watch after-credits scenes?

THOR: …nay?

LOKI: Well, I convinced your precious Dr. Selvig to work on the Tesseract and, no thanks to you, I did climb out of that galactic abyss you threw me into--

THOR: I flung thee into no abyss, brother! THOU DIDST LET GO SEEMINGLY FOR NO REASON BUT TO MAKE ME FEEL REALLY REALLY BAD
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LOKI: I SHOULD BE A KING!!!!

THOR: VERILY, ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?!

[IRON'D!]

[While Loki chillaxes on a cliff and doesn't run away, Tony and Thor battle over who had dibs.]

THOR: Thou hast no idea with what thou dealest, interloper! The Allfather hath labored mightily to get around that "no way to get back to Earth" thing so that I might deliver Loki to a higher justice than thine!
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TONY: Look, my Moët's getting warm, so let's make this simple: Dasher gives back the cube and you can take the Anteloper straight to the glue factory for all I care--

THOR: THOU SPEAKEST OF MY BROTHER!!

Elsewhere in the Dark Forest

SNOW WHITE: Huntsman! The Queen's albino incest henchbrother approaches!
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THOROMIR: SHALT BE THERE IN A MOMENT, SNOW, THRASHING SOME GAUDY KNIGHT OVER HERE

Over Here

[Tech and Legend blast each other with various forms of energy for a while, until Thor makes a massive tactical error:]

TONY: Do you know what happens to an Iron Man when it's struck by lightning?
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THOR: Well--thou wouldst think, the same thing that happens to everything else--

[Then Steve parachutes in, because he can't stand anyone having fun on company time. The boys play shield-hammer-awesome for a while, but it turns out, surprisingly enough, that shield beats hammer.]

SOME GERMAN FOREST:

POOOOOOOOOOM

This ecosystem supported three whole movies' worth of dwarves, you asshats!

TONY: Good one, Captain Planet.

STEVE: Why are we using up valuable effects money fighting each other?!
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LOLOLOLOKI: }:D

The Helicarrier

[Bruce is just innocently sciencing his gamma rays when the boys bring Loki back…]
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LOKI: }; )

[…to be put in a plastiglass cell, since no one needs it for Magneto anymore.]

FURY: It's god-proof, too. You try to escape, we drop this shit out thirty thousand feet over the ocean, and--

LOKI: And I'll… what? Escape really hard?

FURY: Left a couple of magazines in there for you. Try the Highlights for Children. Great comic in the back. About a guy named Gallant and his dumbass fuck-up brother.

LOKI: }: [

Banner-Stark Airborne Laboratories

[…where Tony and Bruce are having a play date, detectioning the gammatical raybeams and whatnot.]

TONY: After all this is over, will you come to my house for science? Pepper will make us whiskey and s'mores, it'll change your life.

BRUCE: I don't know, I kind of trashed Harlem that time, I don't know if I'm welcome in the state of New York anymore…

TONY: *poke*
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TICKLE ME HULKSMASH: Tee hee!

STEVE: Stop endangering the team with sharp objects! YOU ARE WASTING TIME ON THIS RECREATIONAL SCIENCE!

TONY: Nope, Banner's already got the gamma-seeking plot-detection system going. Now we're just waiting on my decryption program to process all of Fury's ominous shadow government secrets. I mean, I've got enough ego to power the civilized world, and yet, somehow, they did all their clean energy research on the Tesseract without me. Obviously, chicanery is in progress.

STEVE: But--what? The United States government is the beneficent fount of all good things! They couldn't possibly be doing anything shady they wouldn't tell us about!
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TONY: lol

Some Super-Secret Storage Unit Full of Super-Secret Weapons
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STEVE: >:O

Loki's God-Proof Cell

NATASHA: I'll let you out if you spare Clint. I know you're planning to toast us all, but I owe him one.

LOKI: You liiii~iiiike hiiiiim

NATASHA: Nah, he was sent to kill me but he let me come work for S.H.I.E.L.D. instead and we badassed around Europe assassinating things instead, it was pretty awesome. It would be a shame if someone that good at killing people got dead.

LOKI: I'll make him kiiii~iiiilllll youuuuu

NATASHA [trembling]: But--why? I'm telling you that I'm a duplicitous murdering hypocrite, couldn't you use someone like me?

LOKI: I will make him kill you in terrible ways until you feel terrible and die terribly, and then I will make him feel terrible about it, and then I will kill him terribly also because you are bad and you should feel bad, you mewling [REDACTED] bootlicking [CENSORED] catsuited [BLEEEEEEEEEP]!

NATASHA [weeping, batting lashes]: YOU MONSTER! I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN A MONSTER-PROOF CAGE, MONSTER!!

LOKI: Oh, you might wish it was available for someone else by the time I'm done.
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NATASHA [on radio]: Bighorn's given up the intel, his play is exploiting Big Green. [To Loki:] lol kthnx, bb.

LOKI: }: [

Asgard, Tomorrow

ODIN: My son--

LOKI: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

ODIN: MY SON, why would you lurk in your transparent prison cell and torment your visitors with predatory mind games? Why would you do such a thing?

LOKI: I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, ALLFATHER! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!!
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ODIN: GO TO YOUR ABYSS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

Banner-Stark Airborne Laboratories

STEVE [slamming down super secret weapon]: I am shocked, shocked, and disappointed that you would super-secret-weaponize the Ultimate Cube, Director Fury!

FURY: Well, I'm sorry that some DAMN ALIEN GODS came and BLEW UP NEW FUCKING MEXICO--

THOR: THOU DOST EXAGGERATE MOST DISHONORABLY! It was only one small town, and we only singed it a little!

FURY: --but we kind of thought we might NEED SOME SHIT to TAKE CARE of that THE NEXT FUCKING TIME!

THOR: Thou art a stupidhead most dim to think that using the Tesseract would not merely draw the attention of all the other villains in the universe!

FURY: FUCK THEE WITH THY HAMMER SIDEWAYS!
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THOR: lol, thou mad

STEVE: Our Norse compatriot is right! In my day, we fought with honor and skill, not weapons of mass destruction!

TONY: In your day, we dropped the atomic bomb!

STEVE: Wait, we did?

TONY: Maybe if you had done the background reading, you would know that.

STEVE: Oh, I'm sorry, I was too BUSY sacrificing MYSELF for MY COUNTRY in a THRILLING BITTERSWEET FINALE, something YOU will never know ANYTHING ABOUT!

TONY: Aw, Betsy Ross needs to come put someone down for a cookie and a nap.
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STEVE: OH, GO PROFITEER FROM SOME WAR, JUNIOR

TONY: ONE MORE WORD AND I WILL TAKE THAT HOOD AND CHOKE YOU OUT

STEVE: NO YOU!

TONY: NO YOU!

BRUCE: WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING, HULK DOES NOT LIKE YELLING

LOKI'S SCEPTER ON THE LAB TABLE: <;D-----

BRUCE: WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING ME HERE I WAS HAPPY IN STEREOTYPICAL INDIA WITH ALL THE PEOPLE DYING AROUND ME BUT NOOOOOO YOU JUST HAD TO STUFF ME INTO AN INVISIBLE AIRSHIP WHERE I COULD EMIT SO MUCH GAMMA RAGE THAT LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SOLDIERS WILL BE ABLE TO LOCATE US AND THEY WILL PROBABLY KILL HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IF I DON'T KILL EVERYONE FIRST AND YOU CAN'T KILL ME BACK I KNOW BECAUSE I TRIED SEVERAL TIMES WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ENUMERATE MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS BECAUSE I MADE A LOT OF THEM.

EVERYONE: …

TONY: Well… this is just... awkward.

[UNEXPECTED CLINTSPLOSION IS UNEXPECTED]
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[AVENGERS GO FLYING]

[This is what happens when you don't keep your science underground.]

The Pipes and Hiding Places Compartment

[When Natasha regains consciousness, she finds herself trapped with a struggling Bruce,who is failing to contain his rageformation. Unfortunately, the explosion has thrown them into a completely different genre.]
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NATASHA: Why is there a horror movie stored on this ship? DAMMIT, I'M NOT A FINAL GIRL!

THE HULK: ROAAARRRR!

NATASHA: Bruce! Why are you mad at me? I didn't blow up the lab! I wasn't even the one yelling! Bruce!

THINK OF POVERTY IN INDIA, BRUCE!

NATASHA: Bruce! You can [running] control this! You can [ducking] tell the difference between [dodging] friend and foe!

THE HULK: ROAAAAAA [HULKING] AAAAARRRRR [SMASHING] RRRRRRR!!

NATASHA: COME ON, BRUCE, YOU COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE AT THE END OF YOUR LAST MOVIE!

THE HULK: HULK NOT SURE IF CANON! ROARRRRR!

[And then a three-ring circus breaks out on the engine-failing, free-falling Helicarrier: mischief troops in S.H.I.E.L.D. disguises pouring out of an airborne clown car, bullets and knives and grenades flying, computers exploding, Hill shooting someone, Fury shooting everyone, Tony trying to restart the Helicarrier's engines while getting dragged around in the turbine--]

TONY: Rogers! Relay the polarity--when the superbreakers conduct--the overload reverse!

STEVE: What the fudge, Stark?

TONY: PUUUULLLLL THE LEEEEEVEEEERRRRRR

[Thor lion-taming the Hulk with Mjölnir and a chair while destroying the few precious parts of the Helicarrier that aren't already on fire--]
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FURY: MY DAMN SHIP! SOMEBODY OUT THERE THROW SOME BULLETS!

[A fighter pilot gunning for Bruce, because apparently we just want to see how angry the Hulk can actually get--]

A THING THAT ENDS WELL: *JET PUNCH* *PILOT THROW* *FREEFALL*

THE HULK: ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

FURY: *patchpalm*

[A Loki tricking Thor (again) (some more) into his god-proof cell--]

LOKI: Did you watch your own movie at all, brother?

[Coulson arriving with a Super Secret Super Weapon--]

COULSON: Step away from Donald, please. I don't know what this does, except that we engineered it from smoldering bits of Norse robot that you sent to kill him in your previous movie, so I'm guessing it's got a really strong irony kick.

[Another Loki stabbing Coulson in the back--]

THOR: NOOOOO! SON OF COUL!!

A LOKI: [dumping Thor]: Awww. Well: places to be, peoples to subjugate.

[Natasha acrobattling Clint's taekwonbow in the catwalk compartment--]

This picture is everything I want to be

[Coulson making his last stand--]

COULSON [tragically mouth-bleeding]: You're going to lose, Loki. You are a villain in a superhero movie. When was the last time you ever saw evil ever triumph? I mean, really triumph, run the credits, game over?
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LOKI: Mortal, please. There was... wait, no... there was... surely...

COULSON'S CALLBACK CANNON: *BOOM!*

[Loki escaping anyway on his mischief jet while Coulson dies--]

COULSON: It's okay, boss. They were never going to get over themselves if they didn't have something to… AVENGE™.

FURY: Damn that foxy cellist!

COULSON: *death nod*

FURY'S EYEPATCH: *emo tear*

[So... yeah. It's pretty much the worst circus ever. This, and the one when I was eight that ran out of cotton candy.]

Some Airborne Recovery Room

CLINT: Natasha… how did you unwash my brain?
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NATASHA: Little something I saw on TV. I hit you in the head until your mind got right again.

CLINT: Which show?

NATASHA: All of them.

And then a fanfic breaks out

CLINT: I just feel so terrible--I mean, do you know what it's like to have your personhood disrespected, to be used without consent, to feel so violated?
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NATASHA: I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.

CLINT: *hangs head*

NATASHA: Look, it's okay. You and me, we're just badass spysassins; we weren't trained to deal with this alien trickster bullshit--

CLINT: I KNOW, RIGHT?

NATASHA: --and besides, none of the hundred people you killed even had names. I mean, Loki, with that Someone We Actually Know thing? He's the one in deep shit.

Conference Table of Mourning

FURY: Don't you pull those sad motherfucking faces at me. Do you know what kind of day I've had? I've lost my ragemonster AND my Norse god, half my ship, and all my redshirts. You brand-name punk-asses are the only ones left worth a damn. And you don't even give a shit. You know who did? Agent Coulson. And now, he's DEAD. Do you know what he had in his coat pocket, right over his heart, to the very end?

[Fury throws down a handful of sepia-tone vintage Captain America trading cards, spattered copiously, piteously, with blood.]

HILL: Weren't those in his locker, sealed in archival-quality mylar?

FURY: RIGHT OVER HIS HEART. Because Phil Coulson believed in you.
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HILL: So that's why you were messing around with that blown-up cadet?

FURY: SHUT IT, HILL

Somewhere, In the Secret Government Facility in the Sky

[No, I mean a metaphorical one.]
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ANGEL COULSON: THOSE CARDS WERE MINT IN PACKAGE!!

The Philip Coulson Memorial Helicarrier

[And so the Avengers begin to pull their shit together. Thor finds Mjölnir in Some Meadow by the Sea and snuggles it tenderly, relieved that he doesn't have to go through an OMG AM I WORTHY? subplot again. Bruce wakes up in a pile of rubble with a hulkover. Back on what's left of the airship, Tony and Steve suit up and try to... well, figure out what the hell to do next.]

STEVE: So let's say for one moment that you're able to get over your vain rockstar individualism and play nice with the other children--

TONY: It would be difficult, yeah.

STEVE: --where do we even start looking for Loki?

TONY: Well, how does a guy like this think? He wants to rule the world but he wants everyone to see him do it. He wants to kick ass while his theme music plays in the background. This is a guy who says, no no, one giant protuberance on my helmet is not enough; I need two. If only there were some phallic monument to ego with his name emblazoned across the top that Prancer could observe his awesome from...

STEVE: *pointed look*
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TONY: ... LIFE RUINER!!

The __ARK Building

[On the conveniently stage-shaped portion of Stark Tower, Loki is trying to figure out how you could turn a T into an L and if you can cut an S in half and stick it back together as a little O, while Professor Selvig gleefully kickstarts the end of the world by unlocking a galactic whirlportal with a big blue beam from the Tesseract.]

SELVIG: SO SHINY.

[The good news is, Tony has figured out that Loki and Selvig have hijacked his crib. The bad news is, the Iron Suit is hand-wash only and got pretty damaged back there in the spin cycle, and Tony's got to figure out a way to get hold of his new experimental armor while Loki's strolling around the Champagne Room.]

TONY: Can I get you a drink? Scotch, bourbon, mead?

LOKI: You can get me… YOUR FREE WILL. [taps heart with scepter]

TONY: …

LOKI: *TAP TAP TAP*

TONY'S MECHANICAL HEART: …

TONY: Seriously, am I the only person who did the background reading around here?

LOKI: WELL IF YOU DID YOUR HOMEWORK YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY ALIEN ARMY IS ON ITS WAY TO CRISP YOUR PRECIOUS EARTH.
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TONY: Yeah, okay. Are they giant blue catpeople? Are they Transformers by the sea? Do they want to hug us in the face? No? Then I think we have a chance. Come at me with the Chitown Atari, bro.

LOKI: }: [

LOKI: *CHOKE THROW*

A Scene That Must Have Happened

J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, are you certain we need to add a bracelet-based window-jumping functionality that allows you to don the newest iteration of the Iron Suit while you are in freefall? This seems like a highly specific yet unlikely scenario.
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TONY: You are really underestimating the number of people who want to throw me out windows, Jarvis.

J.A.R.V.I.S.: Touché, sir.

Three Inches from the Pavement

TONY: lol @ u

The __ARK Building

LOKI: *R SMASH*

The __A_K Building

THOR: NO, BROTHER! THOU ART MY BROTHER, BROTHER!

LOKI: Soon, your precious Earth will be nothing but convention panels and cosplay as far as the eye can see, and Loki Laufeyson shall rule as Guest of Honor above all!

THOR: Brother--what dost thou mean by this?

LOKI: You will see.

THOR: Brother! It is not too late, brother! We can stop this together, brother! Thou shalt always be guest of honor in my heart!

LOKI: *STAB*
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THOR: WHY DOST THOU HAVE SO MANY ISSUES?!

The Quinjet

[Steve, who likes planes, marches out to the Quinjet with Natasha, who likes tiny guns and head-kicking, and Clint, who would like shooting Loki in the eye, because that would be ironic, and several times if possible. Unfortunately, they are too late to stop the Chitauri from pouring out of the portal on their hoverboards and cybertoboggans to blast the people of New York, who roll their eyes and begrudgingly go into the Total Scifi Destruction Flailing Procedure they get drilled on the first Wednesday of every month. Then, it gets worse.]

~* SPECIAL REPORT: SUPERHERO JET CRASH IN MANHATTAN*~

SOME NEWS ANCHOR: --state of New York is issuing an emergency action scene warning--repeat, there may be an action movie unfolding in the downtown Manhattan area; all viewers are advised to run screaming. And now, back to Shelly with the weather.
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SOME METEOROLOGIST [drawing on map]: Well, I'm seeing a 100% chance of alien invasion coming down from a cosmic depression over the Stark Building. Down on the ground we have exploding cars and scattered carnage, but a smash front coming in from the north ought to clear all that out. The National Weather Service is issuing a Severe Thunderstorm Warning for the Chrysler Building with a 63% chance of a Norse god using it as a lightning rod, and visibility's low with all the hoverboards in the air--we advise staying off the roads and away from office buildings until the giant alien warships get cleared away. Jim, how's the traffic look from up there in the WTFF News Chopper?

SOME TRAFFIC REPORTER: *cries*

The Streets of Manhattan

[The Quinjet Three try to help the police evacuate the citizenry while Tony blasts everything he can lay gauntlets on and Thor arrives to drop the hammer. Then, it gets worser.]

CLINT: Is that a...

NATASHA: It's kind of... turtle-faced?

CLINT: But longer, like a centip...eel? A centipeel?

SOME CYBERNETIC LEVIATHAN SHIP: *DRAGONWORMS*

STEVE: You saw those doggone aliens up close, Stark--what are they?
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TONY [landing]: They are--ANGRY JOSS WHEDON FANS. They've been promised snarky metafictional dialogue, and they won't stop until they get it.

EVERYONE: >:O

[They continue flooding out of the portal with their great cry of war: ]

THE CHITAURI: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST SIX EPISODES!!

Natasha, get under my shield! Only vibranium can withstand their flames!

STEVE: They're dropping Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Complete Series on Manhattan!
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THOR: All thirty-nine discs?

THOU FIENDS!

[But all hope is not lost!]

STEVE: Bruce! You came back! You found clothes! And a really sweet motorcycle! Seriously, I would like to borrow that when you're done with it.

NATASHA: Wait, how are you just suddenly okay?
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BRUCE: Well, after I convinced Harry Dean Stanton I wasn't an alien and he could put that space rifle down, he took me to a deleted scene and fixed me right up. I should take you there sometime.

TONY [on radio]: Bringin' in the big fish, Ahab, gonna need you to make a call here.

Can it be a long-distance call?

STEVE: Well, if we all play to our strengths, I bet dollars to donuts we can beat these gosh-darned rascals. Can we put aside our differences, such as the time Bruce tried to tear Natasha's head off, or the time Thor whacked Bruce upside the head with Myeumeu, or the time Clint killed half the S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel, and come together as a team to save the world?

THOR: You have my hammer.

CLINT: And my bow.
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BRUCE: And HULK SMASH.

SOME LEVIATHAN: *TURTLEROAR*

[*FACE PUNCH*]

THE HULK: IS HULK FAVORITE MOVIE. *NOD*

[And so the Hulk is finally allowed to smash free as a thing that loves smashing and freedom, while Thor blows another warship up with the Chrysler Lightning Rod and Tony gives one of the Leviathan ships an Iron Colonic and Steve shields everyone in the head and Clint arrows everyone in the face without even looking and now Thor and the Hulk are fighting off Jayne-hatted Browncoats who pelt them with Firefly DVDs.]
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THE HULK: HULK WILL WATCH WHEN HULK LESS BUSY!!

THOR: Verily, art there only fourteen episodes? Thou couldst knock this out in a weekend--

THE HULK: *THOR PUNCH*

[And there are still thousands more Chitauri on the way for a Dr. Horrible sing-along. Someone is going to have to do something.]

NATASHA: Gimme a boost, I'm gonna hijack a hoverboard and deal with this Tesseract business.

STEVE: But--you have no special powers! The superfans will eat you alive!

NATASHA: Please. I'm a Strong Female Character. By the time I'm done, there will be doctoral theses in my honor. HEY, LOOK! OVER THERE! RIVER TAM WANTS TO KICK YOUR ASS!
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SOME CHITAURI: *swoons*

[Natasha stabs Some Chitauri in the back and joysticks him all the way up to the Stark Building. Who says girls aren't gamers?]

The __A_K Building

[Selvig's mind gets right after he's clonked by a falling K, just in time to realize that he's probably ended the world.]

SELVIG: I couldn't help myself! Except that actually I kind of knew better the whole time. Tess was just--so shiiiiiny! I DID IT ALL FOR YOU, TESS!
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NATASHA: Do you... need a moment in your bunk or something?

SELVIG: If you could just grab Loki's scepterspear whatever and turn off the portal-opener thing what opens the portal, that'd be great, sure.

[Loki is, somewhat understandably, not on board with this development.]

LOKI: ALL RIGHT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING HEROES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING TOWER--

THE HULK:

*METRONOME BEATDOWN*

LOKI: ...rrrnnghhh.

NATASHA: Bruce! Why didn't you just do that half the movie ago?!

THE HULK [SHRUGGING]: NOBODY ASKED HULK TO SMASH.

The Streets of Manhattan

[However, even though Loki's been put in time-out, it gets moar worser. The streets are still blowing up, the aliens are still invading, the dragonworms are still centipeeling, the Avengers are taking some attractive light wounds, and Clint has to use his last arrow to rappel away from enraged Chitauri who have just realized he is not Nathan Fillion. How much longer can they hold out?]

THOR: Art thou hurt, O my Captain?
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STEVE: I'll… walk it off… [falling to his knees] …this Spuffy time-travel angst fic… is really good…

They just love their moms so much, you know?

THOR: NO, CAPTAIN! THOU MUST NOT SURRENDER!

STEVE: But… Buffy and Philosophy is... really… thought-provoking...

THOR: OVER THERE! GRENADES UPON WHICH THOU CANST THROW THYSELF!
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STEVE: OH BOY!!

[Then... it gets worstest.]

The Helicarrier

POWERS BOOTHE, ON BEHALF OF THE SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL: So we're thinking, nuke Manhattan. I mean, to hell with all this. It'd be cheaper to just salt the earth and wait for nuclear spring. Insurance even covered it last time.

FURY: NUKE IT?!
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POWERS BOOTHE: [shrugging]: It's the only way to be sure--

FURY: --sure my FOOT is up your ASS!

[HEY, HEY NICK, MAYBE BLOWING UP A NUCLEAR MISSILE ISN'T THE BEST IDEA, HEY NICK--]

I would say something about "great vengeance and Furyous anger"
but I think we're all better than that

[Unfortunately, the only thing worse than shooting down one nuclear bomber jet is not shooting down the other one.]

FURY [on radio]: HEY STARK, I HEAR YOU NEED A REDEMPTION

TONY [on radio]: HAVEN'T I HAD ENOUGH OF THOSE ALREADY?!

[But Tony knows he's right: the nuke problem is also the solution to the alien problem. Natasha is shutting the gateway! The Mark VII suit is running out of power! Most likely his awesome will perish in the attempt!]

J.A.R.V.I.S.: Could we get Master Odinson to recharge us?

TONY: NO JARVIS THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME

J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, we've already been overly intimate with one alien warship today, do we really have to shove a nuclear suppository up—
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TONY: THAT'S WHY IT'S A SACRIFICE, JARVIS

J.A.R.V.I.S. [sighing]: ...I'll initiate the Dying Wish Procedure.

[But Tony can't get hold of Pepper, because she and her phone are lost somewhere in space and time on the longest flight to D.C. ever. Ironmanfully, he snaffles the nuke off Bomber #2 and heads for the Chitauri mothership and mostly-certain doom. It's not a Mac virus, but it'll do.]

SOME CORRECTLY SPHERICAL SPACE EXPLOSION:

O

[Who could possibly save Tony from galactic freefall?]

AND IIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIII
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU

[The Chitauri army collapses, appeased by the similarity of Tony's sacrifice to the Buffy season 5 finale. Unfortunately, despite the Hulk's herculean green hug, Tony is dead. Real real trufax dead.]

TONY: X_X

STEVE [mournfully]: I should have never challenged him to a redemptive character arc!

TONY: X_X

CLINT: Wait--Natasha, aren't they already filming Iron Man 3?
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NATASHA: Well, I'm here with you guys, so I don't know?

TONY: X_X

FURY [on radio]: Tell him we'll let Guy Pearce have the whole movie.

THE HULK: HULK LOVE GUY PEARCE!
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TONY: I'M HERE, I'M HERE, I'M AWESOME AND HERE

[The remaining Chitauri fall to their knees in worship of Action Girl, Captain Tightpants, Dr. Hulkible, Captain Hammer, and the God of Snark.]

CLINT: HEY I WAS ACTUALLY ON ANGEL ONE TIME

THE CHITAURI: ooooohhhhhh

After Lunch

[Taking no notice of the world's reactions online and off--the uncomfortably familiar Please Help Us Find Our Terrorized Loved Ones fliers and the angry Congressmen and and the Tumblr gifs and the goateed lolcats--the Avengers say goodbye, going their separate ways for now. Having peeled Loki out of a Loki-shaped hole in the floor, Thor prepares to beam him back to Asgard with the Tesseract; Clint and Natasha go off to assassinate the patriarchy some more in a movie of their very own; Steve vrooms away on Harry Dean Stanton's motorcycle; and Bruce gets into Tony's convertible.]

TONY [on phone]: PEPPER, PEPPER I FOUND A HULK, PEPPER CAN I KEEP HIM??

THOR: Brother, as I bring thee back to Asgard and thy family--

LOKI: ADOPTED FAMILY
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THOR: SHUT UP WE ARE SO THY FAMILY, I hope thou canst put thy scheming ways aside.

LOKI: Ah, but this was all part of my Cunning Plan to get you to take me back to Asgard so I could get the Infinity Gauntlet, as PREVIOUSLY SEEN ON THOR, so I win either way.

THOR: Brother, I just… sometimes I just cannot even with thee, I swear.

LOKI: }:D

THOR: Selvig? The muzzle.

LOKI: }:X

The __A__ Building

FURY: ...and so that's why we're going to keep the Avengers Initiative around, even though they're a bunch of rogue uncontrollable misfits: because they GET IT DONE.

POWERS BOOTHE, ETC.: Seriously, are you shitting me.
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FURY: Yes, they're DANGEROUS--

TONY [drawing diagrams]: And I'll build a treehouse for Hawkeye here, and this is a firing range for Natasha's tiny guns, and Cap can park his motorcycle here, and here's a weather vane for Thor, and this is me and Bruce's lab, and--

FURY: AND NOW THE UNIVERSE KNOWS IT.

During the Credits

THE OTHER: The Marvel superheroes are stronger than we thought. To attack them is to court fanboy war. We need a hero, strong of chin and srs of bsns… A GRIMDARK KNIGHT.
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[A SHADOWY, HOODED FIGURE turns to the camera. It is CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, and he SMILES.]

After the Credits

And they lived shawarmily ever after, until they all had to go film sequels.

Fin.

(The Cleolinda Industries Tip Jar)

Prometheus in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 22:01:14 GMT

You know what? I saw this movie twice, and I saw it in 3D both times (side note: the 3D is really well done; it's actually comfortable to watch), and I loved it, and I would go see it again right now. But... let's put it this way: this was really fun and relatively easy to write. Still working on something for The Avengers, which, given that I tend to put out only two or three of these a year now, is taking a while. It is what it is.

Also, I would recommend Prometheus-Movie.com, where I got some of the harder-to-find pictures, for all your tentacular needs.

Some Waterfall, Some Planet, Somewhere

[After five minutes of Icelandic landscape porn, a large round spaceship takes off and disappears into the clouds. Remaining behind, a bald albino bodybuilder throws off a long grey cloak, drinks a cup of squirm, and immediately begins to putrefy and devolve; this is not the best day trip he's ever gone on, but he seems to have expected it. We see his DNA blacken and dissolve in closeup, swirl around in the churning waters, and reform anew, because reasons. We will never find out where this is or when it is happening, and it may not even have anything to do with the events of this movie.]

Go forth and enjoy these fine theories
They are pretty much all you're going to get

[LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: PROMETHEUS.]

Some Painted Cave, Isle of Skye, Scotland

[...in which we meet our heroine, Elizabeth Shaw, spiritual and idealistic, and her life/science partner, Charlie Holloway, dudebro scientist, Ph.Dick.]
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SHAW: Look at the cave painting I found! It shows a giant pointing to a cluster of circles, just like all the other ancient artwork we found all over the world! I am supremely certain this means that this giant from umpteen thousand years ago wants us to go to those circles and find him, because obviously he and his fellow giants created human life as we know it. I mean, it's all right there.

HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!

The Good Ship Prometheus, A Few Years Later

[…is out in deep space, staffed by 16 cryosleeping crewmembers and an android butler named David. David is bored. No one has ever been as bored as David is bored, right now, for two years and counting. He sits there day after day and flicks lint off sleeping scientists and plays basketcycle in the empty gym and eats robot chow because that is a thing and touches up his roots while watching Lawrence of Arabia on an infinite loop and browses Shaw's dreams with the very latest in creeper technology. Boredom will now be measured in millidavids, and one millidavid is the most bored you have ever been in your entire life, like watching paint dry all day in a doctor's waiting room while on hold with your cable company.]

You should see how he plays poloball

[So he's obviously pleased to have some awakening crew to tend to when they finally reach ~~the circles~~ LV-223. Some of the crew, like hall-decking, tree-decorating Captain Janek and fierce, push-upping Vickers, need no assistance. Others...]

SHAW: hworrrffff

HOLLOWAY: woo!

SHAW: hworrrffff

VICKERS [*CLAP CLAP*]: DAVID! BRING UNTO ME A ROBE!

SHAW: hworrrrrrffffffffffff

JANEK: David, where's my tinsel?

DAVID: There, there, Dr. Shaw, this is all perfectly--
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SHAW: HWORRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

[Let's check the voicemail! You know those messages everyone always beams out into space to be all like HOW Y'ALL FEEL and no one ever answers except to come blow up famous landmarks?]

SHAW: The only incoming data is "NO1CURR." : (
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HOLLOWAY: How's your linguistics coming, Servo?

DAVID: I have learned all the languages. Just in case you happen to be right. About anything. :D

HOLLOWAY: *STINK EYE*

[And so it begins.]

The Mission Briefing

[ROLL CALL! Vickers, the corporate ice queen!]

VICKERS: Since we didn't bother to speak to each other before we all signed up for a multi-year trillion-dollar research project, let's talk about why we're out here now.

[The hologhost of the Ancient Late Peter Weyland!]

THE LATE WEYLAND: Now, you may be sitting there thinking, why would anyone name a ship after a mythological figure condemned to a horrible fate for daring to overreach himself? Well, you see, I thought of that: you are here to metaphorically rescue Prometheus out of gratitude to our makers, like the mighty Heracles--

VICKERS: Didn't Heracles die horribly?

THE LATE WEYLAND: --and I don't want to hear anything about Heracles from negative nags. To help you on this journey, I have given unto you my robot not-son, David, who is a perfect specimen of humanity except that he has no humanity, and NO SOUL, and thus will always be UNWORTHY.
©2012 Cleolin da Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DAVID: DAD, I AM LEARNING TO FEEL EMBARRASSMENT!!

[Shaw, Holloway, and their PowerPoint cube!]

SHAW: As you can see, all of these far-flung ancient civilizations ended up depicting the same giant pointing to the same configuration of circles, which maps to a star system ancient peoples had no way of knowing about. We call these giants "Engineers," and obviously, they are inviting us to come find them and ask why they made us. I mean, it's all right there.

[Fifield, mohawk geologist! Millburn, hoodie biologist! Ford, the Scottish lady who… sciences… in unspecified fields? Janek the captain! Jackson the security guy! A plentiful array of disaffected redshirts! Also, they hate you.]

THE CREW, WHO HATES YOU: ...

MILLBURN: So... evolution can go fuck itself?

SHAW [beaming]: I have a deep and spiritual faith that there are Creators guiding our existence, and we are here to meet them, just like they asked!
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FIFIELD: How do you even know that bullshit is an "invitation"? Maybe this guy is just like, HEY, LOOK! Balls.

Vickers' Luxury Suite

[... is actually a self-sustaining "lifeboat" module that can be jettisoned from the Good Ship Unfortunate Mythological Reference, because Vickers is already pretty sure the entire team of scientists is too stupid to live. It has everything she would need to survive on her own, including a self-serve medical pod, a grand piano, and vodka.]

To be fair, vodka is necessary to live

VICKERS: Right, so this is my trillion-dollar ship and I own you. You find your alien gods? You smile and you wave and you get back on the ship. Keep your hands to yourself and don't breathe on anything.

SHAW: WHAT KIND OF SCIENCE CAN WE DO IF WE CAN'T DO ANY SCIENCE?
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VICKERS: Fucks I give: zero. Enjoy your stay on LV-223!

The Prometheus Has Landed

HOLLOWAY: GOIN' OUT TO SEE SOME LUNAR PYRAMIDS
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JANEK: We haven't even taken off our seat belts yet!

HOLLOWAY: GONNA EXPLORE THE SHIT OUTTA SOME ALIEN STRUCTURES

SHAW: Can we look around first?

HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!

Skull Mountain

I feel this bodes well

[The team suits up in fishbowl helmets, because the air is 3% carbon ~~dioxide~~ ~~you really are terrible scientists, aren't you~~ monoxide and will kill humans instantly. They also bring red light probe globes to beam a map of the inside of the pyramid back to the ship. But no weapons. Definitely no weapons.]

JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: WELL DON'T COME CRYING TO ME IF YOU GET DEAD!

[Strangely, inside the pyramid on the hostile foreign moon, it turns out the air is purer and more breathable than it actually is on Earth.]

HOLLOWAY: Obviously the Engineers were terraforming.
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FORD [glancing around at bare, inhospitable rock]: And they kind of sucked at it...?

HOLLOWAY: HELMETS ARE COMIN' OFF, BABY!

FORD: But even if we don't die, we might contaminate the environ--

HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!

[In the tunnels, they do not keep their hands to themselves and they breathe on everything. David, in fact, pokes at every last inscrutable rune and smear of goo he can lay hands on. Honestly, I'm more surprised he doesn't just start stuffing things in his mouth like a toddler.]
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SHAW: DAVID, DON'T TOUCH THE GOO

HOLLOWAY: DAVID, STOP POKING THE RUNES

SHAW: DAVID, DON'T TURN ON THE HOLOGRAMS

[David turns on a light-particle holographic reenactment of the last thing to happen in these tunnels: a herd of elephant people runs flailing away from something, and one of them falls down, then is decapitated by a door. The ominously fossilized body, and the door, now stand in front of them.]

SHAW: DAVID, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR
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[David opens the door.]

FIFIELD: DO NOT WANT

SHAW: But don't you want to know what they were running from?

FIFIELD: FUCK NO

SHAW: What kind of scientist are you?!

FIFIELD: A GEOLOGIST WHO IS LEAVING

SHAW: Millburn, you too?! Look at this place, it's covered in primordial ooze--

HOLLOWAY: DAVID STOP TOUCHING IT
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SHAW: --don't you want to--biologle the biologism, or whatever it is you do?

MILLBURN: BYE

SHAW: But you don't even know where you're going!!

FIFIELD: PEACE

The Good Ship Prometheus

[Assistant co-pilots Chance and Ravel are chilling in the big bay wraparound window of the bridge, eating popcorn and waiting for the fun to start.]

CHANCE: Five bucks says the boss lady's a robot.

RAVEL: Shpffff, I'm not taking that bet. Five bucks says they all come back dead.

CHANCE: Oh, come on, they won't all come back dead at the same time. Ten bucks on Hoodie biting it first.

RAVEL: You're on, my ten's on Dr. Douche.
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CHANCE: WOO!

RAVEL: lol

CHANCE: Not Saint Teresa?

RAVEL: Please, she's a Final Girl if I ever saw one. You just know we've got a horror movie somewhere around here in storage.
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CHANCE: Oh, like she could hack it. She'll have a Crisis of Faith the first time something goes wrong, curl up and get eaten.

RAVEL: Ten bucks.

CHANCE: You're on.

The Temple of the Giant Stone Head

[...which is filled with hundreds of sealed urns, watched by a giant, enigmatic, strangely human stone head. Hence the name. Inside the doorway, Shaw and Ford bag the severed fossil elephant head, which insta-carbon-dates to 2000 significant years ago. Holloway wanders around woo!ing at xenomorph sacrifice murals and an inexplicable green crystal, while David starts playing with an urn of frolicking goo.]

SHAW: David! Stop, David, stop, what are you doing, don't do that, don't touch the mysterious urns!
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HOLLOWAY: DAVID COULD YOU JUST FIND A LIGHT SOCKET TO STICK YOUR FINGER INTO OR SOMETHING

Who's a precious widdle primordial ooze? You are

[He then quietly bags an urn to sneak back to the ship, all the while stepping on space worms and contaminating the area and leaving puddles of unleashed goo lying around, which means he's at least as good a scientist as the rest of the team.]
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SHAW: Um hey guys the mural is moving the mural has noticed we're here maybe we should go maybe we should go!

JANEK [on radio]: HEY GUYS, THERE'S A SUIT-FRYING ELECTROMAGNETIC PLOTSTORM COMING, I SECOND THE LEAVING

Some Electromagetic Sandstorm

[Man, I hope you guys don't drop anything or fall over or get sucked into the storm.]

SHAW: omg the head!

HOLLOWAY: omg my girlfriend!

VICKERS: WHATEVER, SHUT THE DOOR
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[David patiently winches himself out there to retrieve his humans, even the one who's an inexplicable dick to him, because he's a helper.]

SHAW: Thank you for saving us, David!

HOLLOWAY: *STINK EYE*

JANEK: Yeah, so, Team Rigorous Standards, I think you misplaced a couple of dudes in there.

MILLBURN [on radio]: Hey guys? Guys?

DAVID: *facepalm*
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JANEK: Eh, don't sweat it. Do you sweat? If you do, don't. Go treat yourself to some science or something.

The Onboard Lab

SHAW: According to this scan... these weren't elephant people at all! This is a helmet!

[David cracks off what is, indeed, a helmet to reveal a bald albino HEYYYYYY.]

FORD: And the head has... living, growing cells crawling around on it?

SHAW: LET'S ELECTROCUTE IT

[No, really--they actually want to trick the nervous system of the head into thinking it's alive, which is maybe not the best idea ever, as seen when it opens its eyes, starts throbbing in pain, and swells up with instantaneous putrefaction. And they do all of this in the open air without so much as a sneeze guard.]
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VICKERS: OH MY GOD, CONTAIN THAT SHIT! I'M NOT EVEN A SCIENTIST, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

[And then the head asplodes.]

SCIENCE!

SHAW: So... the Engineers are all dead, and now we have nothing, and we will never find out anything.

HOLLOWAY: *DRINKS*

Some Super-Secret Cryosleep Chamber

[David is using the creeper dream technology to take orders from an authoritative male. I WONDER WHO THIS COULD POSSIBLY BE.]

[Vickers does not wonder. Vickers waits.]

I have no idea why we all thought you would be a robot

VICKERS: WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?

DAVID: He said I'm a good son and he's proud of me and he does too think I have a soul and he has always liked me more than you.

VICKERS: WHAT DID HE SAY?!
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DAVID: HE SAID REAL BOYS TRY HARDER

VICKERS: *exit with facemash*

DAVID: >: (

Trying Harder

[David goes to the lab fridge and digs around between the head asplosion samples and the Dharma brand DIET COLA to pull out his smuggled urn. Inside, there are lava lamps full of frolicking goo. Taking a fingerful, he goes off to chat up Dr. Drunkaway in the spaceship billiards room, because they have that.]

DAVID: My condolences on having wasted your entire life, sir. Champagne?
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HOLLOWAY: SHUT IT, PINOCCHIO

DAVID: Have you ever considered that your "makers," even if you could meet them, wouldn't like you any more than you like me?

HOLLOWAY: BUT AT LEAST THEN I WOULD KNOW

DAVID: You have dedicated your life to this quest and ventured out here, billions of light years out into space, woo!ing all the way. What would you be willing to do to get your answers?

HOLLOWAY: ANYTHING

DAVID: Are you really sure about that?

HOLLOWAY: ANYTHING
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DAVID: Can I have that in writing?

HOLLOWAY: AAAANNNNYYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNNNNG

DAVID: Well, I think we should drink to that. And by "we" I mean "you."

HOLLOWAY: I WOULD DRINK TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW

DAVID: I'm counting on it.

HOLLOWAY: Why are you holding your finger out like that?

DAVID: Advanced butling technique. Cheers!

Scientists ~*After Dark*~

SHAW: Charlie! There aren't any Engineers left to talk to, but we ran a comparison on their DNA and it's ours! They really did make us!

HOLLOWAY: But it turns out they were mortal and easily killed by creations they weren't even powerful enough to control. So... we're not special snowflakes, and making life is something any idiot can do. Even people too stupid to live, like us.

SHAW: Except me. As you know. FROM ALL THE YEARS I SPENT FAILING TO BEAR OUR CHILDREN.

HOLLOWAY: Oh, shit--I didn't mean--NON-PROCREATIVE SEXEBRATION?
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SHAW: IT'S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.

The Bored Ship Prometheus

JANEK: So hey, guys, the probes are picking up some lifeforms moving around down there in the pyramid with you. Wait--no. Wait--yes. Maybe. Kind of. Eh.

FIFIELD [on radio]: ARE THEY MOVING OR NOT?

JANEK: Welp, we ain't gonna come get you until morning either way, so sit tight and have a cuddle.

FIFIELD [on radio]: JANEK? JANEK!!
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JANEK: Hey, Vickers. You so robotic, Vickers.

Inside the Alien Pyramid

[Fifield, smoking his respirator, and Millburn, wrapped in a foil blanket, stumble around the dark tunnels, where they find a nice genocided pile of fossilized, chest-burst bodies.]

FIFIELD: See, this is pretty much exactly the thing I as a rockstar geologist did not want to deal with.
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MILLBURN: So... this all happened 2000 years ago, right? Whatever burst out of their chests isn't... still around here... right?

FIFIELD: JANEK! HEY JANEK!!

The Bored Ship Prometheus

JANEK: Yo, I am up to like three millidavids here. Pick one: excellent sex or accordion concerto.
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JANEK'S ACCORDION: BRRRREHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGG

VICKERS: My room. Ten minutes.

The Temple of the Giant Stone Head

[The contaminated urns are overflowing, and it's not just goo that's frolicking now.]

FIFIELD: HEY JANEK? JANEK...? YOU WANNA HELP US GET OUT OF HERE?

MILLBURN: Look! Look! An alien penivagina cobra!

FIFIELD: Uh, yeah, okay, no—
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MILLBURN: Hi, baby! You are so beautiful! I WANT TO PET YOU.

Hey baby. You so penivaginal, baby

[Somehow, Millburn is surprised when the alien violation snake jumps up his sleeve and down his throat, and Fifield's attempts to cut the snake off result in a faceful of acid-melted helmet. And lo, they died as they lived: stupidly.]

THINGS HAPPENING TO EYES, DO NOT WANT

[Looking in the mirror, Holloway discovers that there is something squirmy OH GOD IN HIS EYE I CAN'T LOOK AHHHHHHHH]

I UPLOADED THIS PICTURE WITH MY HANDS OVER MY FACE
IT WAS PRETTY DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY

The Next Morning

JANEK: So we better go get Mohawk and Hoodie. I mean, I guess, if you want to.

SHAW: Oh my God, Charlie, what's wrong with your eyes?

HOLLOWAY: Nothing, nothing, totally cool--

SHAW: Charlie, is your face melting?
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HOLLOWAY: I can totally walk it off, it's a good hurt, woo.

RAVEL: That'll be ten dollars, man.

CHANCE: No! Wait! He's not actually dead yet!

The Temple of the Giant Stone Head

[Janek and company find the warped husk of Millburn, who's in a pool of black ooze and has mutated into a snake nut can POW! ALIEN DICK SNAKE IN YOUR FACE!]

CHANCE: PAY UP

RAVEL: DAMMIT!

SHAW: JANEK! CHARLIE'S VEINS ARE PUTRID, WE HAVE TO GO!

Some Strange Technology Room

[David sneaks off, away from both the Search & Rescue Idiots Team and a fist-shaking Vickers, who is trying to watch his helmet feed. Deep within the alien pyramid, he finds a room of massive shelves and pillars made of stacked ooze urns. Beyond that, he finds a giant chair and another hologram replay: ghost Engineers who operate their strange technology using a flute and a control panel seemingly made of push-button hard-boiled eggs, which pulls up an interactive galactic star map, and it is preeeettyyyyy.]

I saw this movie twice, in 3D and then in IMAX 3D,
and it was worth every penny

[A familiar globe at the center indicates that the Engineers were headed straight to Earth. But that's okay--they're all dead now, right? Even the ones right here in the cryosleep pods? No? There's one still alive? One you could just walk up to and wake up?]

DAVID: Eeeeexcelleeeent.

The Sad Ship Prometheus

VICKERS: NO YOU CAN'T COME IN WITH ALIEN ON YOUR FACE
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SHAW: It's not on his face, it's rotting all inside him!

VICKERS: THAT'S NOT BETTER!

SHAW: Please, you must help us! You're a tight-ass company suit, wouldn't you like to smuggle a secret alien infection home to your corporate overlords?

VICKERS: NOPE!

HOLLOWAY: It's okay, baby. She's right. Besides, my brain's dripping out my ears, let me take this one for the team.

SHAW: NOOOOOO!!!

HOLLOWAY: woooooooooo \o/

VICKERS: *FLAMETHROW*

[Unable to cope with a world where people act with reasonable concern, a screaming Shaw collapses.]

What to Expect When You Weren't Expecting

DAVID: My condolences, Dr. Shaw. It must have been particularly traumatic to watch your partner's face melt off, particularly since your father died of ebola. Although watching Holloway voluntarily burn to death must have been extraordinarily horrific. [*chinhands*] Which death was worse for you to witness, your beloved father or your crispy boyfriend? Or was it really just more of a general sense that your God is an angry God?
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SHAW: wtf is wrong with—wait, how did you know about my father?

DAVID: I invaded your dreams while I watched you sleep in your underwear for two years. Dr. Shaw, have you and the late Dr. Holloway done the sex recently?

SHAW: …

DAVID: Because you're significantly with child. Alien child. :D

SHAW: …

DAVID: Now, I know that you must have very complicated feelings about the super-accelerated, half-human mutant baby you thought you would never be able to have, but—
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SHAW: NO, FUCK NO, WHAT THE FUCK GET IT OUT GET IT OUT WHAT THE FUCK GET IT OUUUUUUT

DAVID [brandishing syringe]: I'm afraid I can't let you do that… Shaw.

Several Druggy Minutes Later

SHAW: x_x

FORD: Now, David says we should put you in cryosleep and get you back to Earth where you can birth your eldritch god-knows-what in safety and comfort.

SHAW: x_x

JACKSON: Oh, good, she's too doped up to argue with us. I would hate for this to turn into some kind of politically-relevant abortion metaphor.
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SHAW: No, it's an ALIEN TENTACLE FETUS KICKING THROUGH MY GUTS METAPHOR, GET OUT OF MY WAY

[BODY-HORROR ADRENALINE-RAGE UNHELPFUL-SCIENTIST BEATDOWN]

The Self-Serve Medical Pod

MEDPOD: please state aloud which medical procedure you would like to endure

SHAW: TENTACLE FETUS ABORTION

MEDPOD: does not compute

SHAW: Tell me about it. CAESAREAN SECTION

MEDPOD: this machine is calibrated for rich old men only
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SHAW: WHO EVEN DOES THAT?—RADICAL ALIENECTOMY

MEDPOD: nope

[Oh, COME ON NOW, she manually performs a five-minute laser caesarean on herself and then just staples her innards back together?]

SHAW: IF I DIE THERE IS NO MORE NOOMI RAPACE IN THIS MOVIE

[GET WELL SOON!]

SHAW JUNIOR: HI MOMMY, THIS IS SO AWESOME, LET'S GO SCIENCE SOMETHING, I CAN'T WAIT TO ASK OUR MAKERS WHY I'M A SQUID
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SHAW: AH GOD!

[Somehow, I'm not sure the DECONTAMINATE button and its nice little antiseptic cloud is really equipped to deal with this.]

Outside the Good Ship Prometheus

[Zombie Mutant Fifield has spidered his way back to the ship ankles over ass. Seriously, I may have to draw you a diagram.]
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JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: Well, this seems legit. Open the door and let him on in.

[FIRE AND HEAD-SMASHING AND AXES, THE FLAMES, OH GOD, THE FLAMES]
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JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: OH GOD! WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

Somewhere in Time and Space

[Shaw staggers around druggedly through the corridors of the Prometheus for several minutes in search of help, and when she finally reaches the lab, she discovers David... washing Ancient Not-Ghost Weyland's feet? I don't even have the brain cells left to figure out if that's a religious metaphor.]

SHAW: ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO ASK WHY I'M IN MY UNDERBANDAGES AND COVERED IN BLOOD?

WEYLAND: Dr. Shaw! How lovely to see you! I will deign to inquire after your health after your Engineers have made me eternally young, just like you said they would.

SHAW: I never actually said--

WEYLAND: YES YOU DID, OR I WOULD NOT HAVE SPENT A TRILLION DOLLARS TO COME OUT HERE AND DIE ON THIS HELLISH ROCK

SHAW: But we were wrong about the Engineers! So wrong! Previously undiscovered levels of wrong!

WEYLAND: Now, now, you don't know that. You only know that your research team was too stupid to live. Let's go talk to the sleeping Engineer that David found. You might even find some deleted scenes that would explain everything in one of those urns.
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SHAW [sighing]: … I'll go put on my suit.

Gingerly Suiting Up in Shaw's Room

SHAW: augh my sundered abdomen

JANEK: Look, I know you want to go out there and discover shit, but whatever fresh hell you find out there, I ain't takin' it home.
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SHAW: Janek, do you have any paper clips?

JANEK: You understand me? This isn't your "Engineers' " actual home planet. This is a weapons depot on a lunar military installation, and they made a metric shit-ton of bioweaponized goo to take back to Earth and kill us all. I mean, it's all right there.

SHAW: How did you come to that completely unsupported conclusion?

JANEK: "It's an invitation"?

SHAW: Touché.

Lifeward, Ho!

JACKSON: Sir! We just had a mutant zombie scientist kill off all the redshirts!

WEYLAND: Yes, yes, I'm sure that's very nice.

VICKERS: Don't you even want to talk to me, FATHER?

WEYLAND: ONWARD!

VICKERS: A KING has his REIGN and then he DIES, he is supposed to DIE until he is DEAD and LEAVE his KINGDOM to his DAUGHTER!

WEYLAND: *THE HAND*
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[It's a very wrinkled hand.]

DAVID: I am really very enthusiastic to show you what I discovered, Dr. Shaw. Despite all the Real Live Humans on this team, I was the one who found your maker, and I am the one who found all the answers. Granted, I had to infect Holloway to do it, and the alien fetus was merely a hypothesis. Anyway, the Engineer will help us and Daddy will finally love me, or he'll die and I'll be free. I win either way, really.

SHAW: *SIDE EYE*

DAVID: I have to say, Elizabeth, your will to survive in the face of grief, betrayal, and squid birth is impressive.
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SHAW: I have to say, David, the ambiguous, paradoxical nature of your dickery is astounding. I mean, it takes real humanity to be this fucked up.

DAVID: Thanks! :D

The Strange Technology Room

[David prances in triumphantly, climbs up onto his big boy chair, and shows off his skills on the flute and the boiled-egg keyboard.]

DAVID: As you can see on the star map, the Engineers were headed to Earth before they lost control of their own bioweapons. It's really too bad they were going to kill all of you pitiful mortals, but sometimes you have to destroy to create. Just ask Holloway.

[He then leads everyone to the Last Engineer, who, on being dragged out of cryosleep, hworfs a little (see! we were made in their image!) and then stares at these presumptuous little creatures.]

SHAW: ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL. SERIOUSLY, JUST "WHAT THE HELL," QUESTION MARK, ASK IT.
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WEYLAND: You are harshing my existential squee. Jackson, pain her in the staples.

SHAW [collapsing]: augh my superglued uterus

WEYLAND: David! Tell him I want all the answers! And eternal life! And a pony!
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DAVID: ȶ£ ƔỠ¤ ₰έt ðᾇð ₰ȶΨέ £ỠϧέΨέϧ, Њέ ₩ȶ₰₰ ƃέ ΨέϧƔ ¶ϧỠ¤ð Ỡ£ Ѭέ

THE ENGINEER: …

DAVID: …

THE ENGINEER: …?

DAVID: :D
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[The Engineer rips off David's head, beats Weyland down with it, and pile-drives Jackson and Ford into the ground. Because reasons. ANGRY REASONS. But not Shaw, who took off running the moment shit got real, because apparently, she not only removed that squid baby but got a stupidectomy as well. Unfortunately for the dying Weyland, David's head, and the rest of humanity, the Last Engineer gets in his telescope chair and revs up his elephant suit because he's taking this show to Earth NOW.]

WEYLAND: There is... nothing... to learn...?!

DAVID'S HEAD: No, this movie is never going to tell us anything. But the visuals were quite impressive.

WEYLAND: *death nod*

The Hostile Terrain of LV-223

[Shaw and her embattled viscera (augh) stagger back towards the Prometheus, leaping over machine ravines and lift-off earthquakes, desperately trying to radio the crew:]

SHAW: Janek! It's a ship!

JANEK: YEAH I NOTICED

SHAW: It's going to Earth!

JANEK: LIKE I SAID

SHAW: We have to stop it! The Last Engineer wants to kill all of humanity!

VICKERS: Look, okay, you don't know that! Maybe you weren't paying attention to your own science, but isn't it possible that he wants to dump evolution goo on Earth and just upgrade us to Humanity 2.0?

SHAW: YOU MEAN KILL US ALL AND START OVER? IS THAT BETTER?
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JANEK: NOPE

VICKERS: NO! THIS IS MY SHIP AND MY DADDY'S MONEY AND--

JANEK: AND YOUR RIDE LEAVES IN TWO MINUTES. BE ON IT.

The Unforgiving Terrain of LV-223

VICKERS' ESCAPE POD: *crash*

VICKERS' LIFEBOAT: *crash*
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VICKERS: FUCK MY LIFE

The Brave Ship Prometheus

[And lo, Janek and his trusty co-pilots did sacrifice themselves--]

CHANCE: Ten bucks says we don't even feel it.
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RAVEL: You're on.

[-- and steer the Prometheus straight into the Engineer's ship for the good of Earth in a shocking, climactic scene--]

OH, WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE TRAILER

[Unfortunately, the Engineer's ship remains completely intact, merely falling out of the sky and rolling across the plain. It then crushes Vickers, who fled in a straight line, having finally, tragically been infected with the scientists' stupid. Shaw just rolls out of its path, badassing her way back to the lifeboat module with two minutes of oxygen left.]

DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Elizabeth! The Last Engineer is coming for you!

SHAW: Here? How do you know?
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DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Well, he charged out of the spaceship shouting very bad Engineer words--something about a mewling quim?

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

[It is the Last Engineer, and he is mad in ways that only giant bald albino bodybuilders can be. So our heroine unleashes the last weapon that remains to her: Shaw Junior, who is still in the "decontaminated" medpod chamber, only now he's gigantic, lemony fresh, and PISSED.]

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT: ~§\;;;/§~

[Actually, I would describe Shaw Junior as a penivagina dentatacle rex.]
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SHAW: MAKE ME PROUD, SON!

I LOVE YOU, MOM!

[Turns out that Junior is a gigantic, full-body facehugger. A snuggler, really. And its violation snake proboscis cuddles the shit out of the Last Engineer.]

The Lonely, Hostile, Unforgiving Terrain of LV-223

[Shaw lies down and gives the fuck up, because everything.]
©2012 Cleolinda Jones . Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[...]

[...]

DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Elizabeth..? I... I'm still here. I can flute us home on one of the other ships... if you can... you know... lend me some hands.

The Crashed Engineer Ship

DAVID'S HEAD: I am so glad to see you alive, Elizabeth! I mean Dr. Shaw! I mean Mommy! I mean oh please someone take me home and sew my head back on.

SHAW: Oh, we're not going to our home. Can you flute us to their home?

DAVID'S HEAD: *face
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost . cleolinda.livejournal.com
DAVID'S BODY: palm*

DAVID'S HEAD: What do you hope to achieve by traveling to the planet of the alien race that really, really hates us now?

SHAW: I still have questions! So many questions! Why did the Engineers make us and then change their minds? What did we do in the Significant Year of Our Lord to piss them off? If they were all albino and male, why are so many of us not male and not white? If they died of monsters and chestbursting, where did the resulting monsters go? Why did the primordial goo turn Fifield into a zombie but impregnate me with a squid? Was there an octopus in Charlie's family tree I need to know about? Why was there a big green crystal in the urn chamber that we never talked about again? Why was there a xenomorph mural when we have not seen the goo create anything remotely like a xenomorph? Why were the Engineers inviting us to the star system of their death warehouses in those cave paintings and not the planet they came from? Was it just like, "I swear if you kids don't behave I will turn this evolution around"? Why the hell did I ever think they were invitations?!

DAVID'S HEAD: Does it actually matter?

SHAW: It is the act of questioning, the act of believing in answers, that makes us human.
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DAVID'S HEAD: And the act of getting on the internet and whining about the answers when you don't like them?

SHAW: How does this duffle bag work for your face? [*ZIP*]
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DAVID'S BODY: *thumbs up*

[And so Shaw rappels out of the crashed ship, totes David's head, and tows David's body away to a salvaged ATV. Later, a second Engineer spaceship, presumably carrying the two--three--of them, shoots up through the clouds, into the unknown.]

The Adventures of Shaw and David's Head

[... I'd watch it.]

SHAW [recording]: Final report... the Prometheus and its crew and your trillion dollars are toast. If you receive this message, sit the hell down. There is nothing left but death and plot holes here. And possibly my alien tentaclebeast son, I'm not sure who won that fight. If you want to come pick him up and take him to daycare, that's not my problem anymore. We will persevere, because this bitch is in charge now. Where we are going, you should not follow. We might get a director's commentary. We might not. But I believe. This is Elizabeth Shaw, Ph.D, HBIC, BAMF--
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DAVID'S HEAD IN A BAG: mmh Mmmfh'm mmmf fm m hmf

SHAW: --and, yes, David's Head in a Bag. We are the last survivors of the Prometheus, and we are going to find some MOTHERFUCKING ANSWERS.

The Wreckage of the Lifeboat Module

[The Engineer was of the first generation, and lo, did he or someone equally bald beget humanity in the second, because he could. Humanity made the third-generation android because they could, and the android created a fourth generation of life because he had daddy issues, and then the fourth generation created a fifth generation born of the fourth generation made by the third generation using the womb of the second generation created by the first generation, and thus did it crawl out from under that starfish pancake of a facesnuggler.]
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE FIFTH GENERATION: RAHHHHHHHHH

THE FIFTH GENERATION'S MINIJAWS: rehhhhhhhhh

[And lo, we were all severely screwed.]

Fin.

(The Cleolinda Industries Tip Jar)

Breaking Dawn in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:19:33 GMT

Part One, at any rate. I do want to go back and do the two Deathly Hallows...es, but this is what we've got for now: the movie about which I spent three years muttering, "I have no idea how they're going to do this." If you need to catch up:

Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes
Recaps of the books

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE, HORRIFYING IMAGES, THAT WHICH CANNOT BE UNSEEN

PREVIOUSLY ON: AS THE VAMPIRE SPARKLES: Edward is such a ~*dangerous monster omg*~ that he doesn't want to have sex with Bella while she's still fragile and meaty, but sex is the one thing she wants to do before she becomes a vampire, but he won't sex her unless they get married first because premarital vampiring is bad, but Bella doesn't want to get married because her parents divorced young, but she does want to have sex now and she wants to become a vampire before she gets OOOOOOLD, and then you put the fox and the grain in the boat and you leave the goose back on the riverbank. Also, Bella stomped on Jacob's furry heart sixteen times.

It's a Pity Party and You're Invited!

We cordially request the agony of your presence

at the wedding of

ISABELLA MARIE SWAN and NOT YOU

on
THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE

at
THE HOME OF YOUR ENEMIES

____________________P.S. lol

____________________-- Edward

THE ONE TIME JACOB TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT: Fuck this ice-cold marble-hard popsicle stand! I'M FURSPLODING TO CANADA.
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BILLY BLACK, JACOB'S DAD: Don't you explode those pants! I'm not made of jean shorts, you know!

Chez Sparklepire

[The Cullens have a forest in their backyard, as you do, and Alice Cullen, Psychic Bridezilla by Proxy, is transforming it for the wedding of her dreams.]

ALICE: HAUL THAT TREE LIKE YOU MEAN IT, EMMETT! SO HELP ME SPARKLE, I'M GOING TO HAVE A FAIRYTALE WOODLAND WEDDING OR ELSE!

BELLA: But Alice, it's not "your"--

ALICE: BREAK IN THOSE SHOES!

BELLA: Stiletto heels? Where did you get these, a "White Wedding" strip routine?
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ALICE: MARCH!

Casa de Swan

EDWARD: Before I go out to my Vampire Bachelor Party, Bella… there's something I have to tell you. About myself.

BELLA: Are you… gay?

EDWARD: Subsequent events will prove that this is not the case, no.

BELLA: Are you not a virgin?
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BOTH OF THEM: LOL

BELLA: No, seriously, what, then?

EDWARD: Well... back in the '30s… I had a rebellious phase where, orphaned by my real parents, I stalked the mean streets of a dark city, to vam and to pire those who would make the innocent their victims, and I brooded over it broodsomely 24/7.
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BELLA: So… basically, you were Batman. Vampire Batman.

EDWARD: With a jaunty cap, yes.

EMMETT [outside]: HEY BRO YOU GONNA PARTY OR WHAT?

BELLA: So are there, like, Victorian strippers in the woods or something?

EDWARD: Nah, just a few mountain lions. Party platter of bear and elk.

A Scene That Must Have Happened

EMMETT: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
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JASPER: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Nice Day for a Red Wedding

EDWARD: Do you take me, Nightmare Sparkle Monster, in rose petals and blood drool, on top of the corpses of your friends and family, for as long as we both shall kill?
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BELLA: I dAHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Actual ~*Big Day*~

ALICE: Everyone accounted for?

BELLA: Still here, falling off my shoes.

ALICE: Rosalie, you still hate Bella for giving up any chance of the babies?
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ROSALIE: Reporting for duty! *stink-eye*

ALICE: Parents of the bride?

RENEE, BELLA'S MOM: I brought your grandmother's heirloom diamond comb! You might as well have it now since I'm going to disappear entirely from your life!

BELLA: Grandma who got OOOOLD?
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CHARLIE, BELLA'S DAD: I need all the drinks.

A Scene That Must Have Happened

ALICE: Okay, I want a really cute, much shorter '20s hairdo for this wedding, and since only vampire teeth can cut vampire tissue, I'm gonna need you to help me out, Rosalie. Now: BITE!

ALL THE WISTERIA IN THE WORLD

[Bella's side of the audience contains all the snarky, interesting humans she never plans on seeing ever again; Edward's is full of international sparklepires eyeing the mundanes and trying not to lick their chops. Also, we get a long, loving closeup of Stephenie Meyer in the audience.]

BELLA: Did you invite God to the wedding?

EDWARD: No… did you?

SOME MINISTER: We gather today to witness this union, finally.

EDWARD: I take you, Tasty Adoraklutz Beloved...

BELLA: Angel Cupcake Marble Adonis...

EDWARD: to stalk and to sleep-watch
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BELLA: for bitch or for moan

EDWARD: for emo or for angst,

BELLA: in dazzle and chagrin,
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EDWARD: to trip and fall over

TOGETHER: ...so long as we both unlive.

SOME MINISTER: I now pronounce you teen bride and sparklepire! You may now make out for five minutes solid!

Here Comes the Bride, Just the Bride, Only the Bride

[Everyone gets up one by one at the reception and talks about how special-amazing Bella is, because, despite two people exchanging vows, this is her special day. I... I kind of want one of my own now. For the toasts, all the sparklepires discreetly toss champagne over their shoulders.]

CHARLIE: Bella, I just want you to know that I will always be your home, and that if you ever went missing for a suspiciously extended period of time, I would hunt you down until I died of it. And YOU. You've got my little girl now, Cullen. And I've got a gun, a shovel, and a grave with your name on it. *DRINKS*
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JESSICA: So I'm totally happy that The Hair decided to settle for a slack-ass underachiever who wasn't captain or president or Oscar nominee of anything at all. I mean, it's really great that college and life and experience don't matter to Bella, and it's great that her total lack of ambition doesn't matter to him. Cheers, you guys!

EMMETT: TIME TO LET YOUR NASTY OFF THE CHAIN, BRO!

CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*

Some Blondepires We've Never Seen Before, Except the One Who Was on LOST

IRINA: YOU KILLED LAURENT!

EDWARD: Actually, that was the wolves, I was off moping uselessly in Rio at the time--

IRINA: YOU INVITED HIS KILLERS TO THE WEDDING!!

EDWARD: Well, I mean, just the one I wanted to torment--

IRINA: HE WAS MY MATE!!!

EDWARD: HE TRIED TO EAT THE TASTY BELOVED!

IRINA: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!!!
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BELLA: Excuse us, we've got somewhere even more awkward to be right now--

Save the Last Dance

JACOB: Hey baby. You so married to my worst enemy, baby.
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BELLA: Don't make this weird, Jacob. Can't I just jerk you around with my snuggles one last time?

JACOB: Look, I just want to have one last, quiet, respectful dance with you before you're dead to me.

BELLA: Well, I'm not going to be dead to you for a while yet, you know. Edward and I have to have our honeymoon first--

Five Minutes Later

[A wedding werewolf brawl breaks out as the pack attempts to restrain Jacob from snarfling the groom.]

JACOB: HE'S GONNA FUCK HER TO DEATH!!
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BELLA: OH MY GOD, JACOB!

Vampires Are the 1%

[Finally, after achieving every possible degree of awkwardness, the Swan-Cullens speed off in the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice for their secret surprise honeymoon destination. Later that night, after an eighteen-hour flight on a private sparkle jet through a rip in time and space, the newlyweds arrive in Rio, where I guess Edward set up a Brazilian street dance full of PDA to show Bella what people who actually have sex look like.]
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BELLA: So… you brought me to… what, where the place you have fond memories of that time you thought I was dead?

EDWARD: Of course not! I'm taking you on our private boat to the private island Carlisle bought for Esme!

Isle Esme

BELLA: Man, I can't wait to get Christmas presents from these people.

[Edward carries Bella over the threshold of a vacation home full of sex surfaces: sofas, couches, chaise longues and divaaaans. Bella bashfully reconsiders her commitment to sparkle motion.]
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EDWARD: So… big white bed. Four-poster. Alice said to spring for the filmy white drapery so it can flutter in the sultry tropical breeze. She says there's always a sultry tropical breeze. This kind of place, it comes standard. I feel cold. Do you feel cold? Maybe we should go for a swim first. In the warm, tropical water. Because it's warm. And I'm cold. I'm babbling. Are we going to have the sex any time soon?

BELLA: *looks down, shuffles feet, bites lip*

EDWARD: OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN HUMPING MY LEG FOR THREE WHOLE MOVIES NOW WHAT IS YOUR DEAL
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BELLA: omg brb have to shave leg stubble regrow it and shave it again see you in a few days!

Bathroom of Fairly Realistic Teen Sex Anxiety

BELLA: GET IT TOGETHER, SWAN, YOUR CUPCAKE IS WAITING. Toothpaste! Hairbrush! Razor! Black lace...? Oh my God, Alice.

A Scene That Must Have Happened

ALICE [browsing catalogues]: So should I get Bella the crotchless black lace teddy or the see-through corset?
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EMMETT: DUUUUDE. We're filthy rich, get her both! Hey, Rose, why don't you ever wear fine-ass shit like--

ROSALIE: *HEADSMACK*

The Warm, Tropical, Warm, Moonlit Water

EDWARD: HEY BELLA! WHENEVER YOU'RE READY! I AM JUST SAYING THAT SPARKLEMARBLE ABSORBS HEAT, IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW!

A Tasteful Sex Montage

[Tender honey-toned caresses CRASH BANG CRASH BANG BANG BANG unf unf unf SMASH RIP BITE BITE BITE ~feathers~]

The Morning After

BELLA: Aw yeahhhh.

A thing that happens

EDWARD: BELLA, LOOK IN THE MIRROR. YOU ARE COVERED IN THE BRUISE PRINTS OF MY HANDS.
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BELLA: Unf.

EDWARD: BELLA! I HURT YOU!

BELLA: That was the best part!

EDWARD: OH MY GOD!

BELLA: MOAR!
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EDWARD: *flees*

BELLA: WHY DID I LET YOU MAKE ME GET MARRIED IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT ALL THE TIME?!

Werewolf Beach Bonfire 2: Werewolf Touch Soccerball

[Previously On: All My Werewolves: Leah the Girlwolf was engaged to Sam the Werechief but then Sam imprinted on her muffin-baking cousin Emily so now Leah gets to hear all of Sam's shared werethoughts about how 2getha 4evah he and Emily are, and also that guy Quil imprinted on a two-year-old and everyone is okay with this.]
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JACOB: Look at them. Look at all of those happy imprinting assholes. Snuggling in the sand, cuddling by the fire, giving up their free will, playing patty-cake--

LEAH: At least they have someone who can't tell them no. And they don't sit around and BITCH ALL THE TIME, JACOB.

JACOB: Imprinting's the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. It's the only thing worse than not imprinting on anyone at all. This sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS!

LEAH: Now including Bella?

JACOB: I HATE YOU.

LEAH: You're just jealous that all the force-kissing in the world couldn't make Bella choose you instead of Dazzle Jaaaaaames Deaaaaaan.
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JACOB: FUCK MY LIFE

Isle Sexme

EDWARD: HEY LOOK I HAVE A FULL DAY OF WHOLESOME ACTIVITIES PLANNED.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: I have a suitcase full of Agent Provocateur. Game on.

[Bella apparently spends two weeks chasing Edward over hill and dale, jungle and waterfall, in bikinis and babydoll negligees.]

BELLA: Hey baby, are you tired? Because you've been sparklespeeding through my mind all day.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: I WON'T CONSENT TO SPOUSAL ABUSE!

BELLA: I consent to it! I consent to it all night long.

EDWARD: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, TEMPTRESS!

BELLA: Check out my underpants, baby, they're marital now.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: WOMAN! HOW MANY PILLOWS MUST DIE BEFORE YOUR LUST IS SATED?

BELLA: Don't think I haven't learned a few tricks from you. You have to sleep sometime. And I will be there.

EDWARD: Where have you been? I'm a vampire, I don't sleep.

BELLA: GAHHH!

That Night In, Apparently, The Still-Broken Bed

EDWARD: What's wrong--why are you crying? A nightmare?

BELLA: No! I was having the best dream ever--a dream about--about--strip chess!

The subliminal booty shorts of sexual frustration

EDWARD: Chess? Chess? That's... hot.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Queen to your clothes on the floor, baby.

EDWARD: But... my pulverizing masculinity...?

BELLA: Hey. I have an idea. About getting crushed by the massive force of your marble-hard Adonis form. How about… this time… I get on top?

EDWARD: That's… that's not proper or traditional at all.

BELLA: Wait, hear me out--

EDWARD: IT'S GENIUS
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: I KNOW RIGHT

A Scene That Must Have Happened

EMMETT: Dude. Bro. Dude. Bro. Dude. We gotta have a talk. The Talk. Because a dude has to know what to do to his lady, and I'm pretty sure you don't, bro.

EDWARD: Emmett, I went to med school. Twice.

EMMETT: I got two words for you: Cow. Girl.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: ...with... hats and a lasso?

EMMETT: ... I'll be in my bunk.

The Other Morning After

BELLA: That's what I'm talkin' about.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Only one of Bella's appetites is sated, so she starts raiding the tropical honeymoon fridge.]

BELLA: Uh... I don't feel so BARRRRRRRRRRF

EDWARD: I leave you alone for five minutes. At least you didn't fall off a cliff, I guess.

BELLA: Maybe the chicken I fried was bad?

EDWARD: Maybe because you were eating it with peanut butter out of the jar?

BELLA: Yeah, well, we didn't have any pickles or ice cr…

EDWARD: …

BELLA: …

EDWARD: …
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Oh, fuck.

EDWARD: …

BELLA [on phone]: Yeah, hey, Alice? We got a problem.

ALICE: I am psychically seeing that you're going to need to talk to CARLISLE GET ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW

CARLISLE: Bella? What's wrong?
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Well, your vampire not-son's gone white…r, and I've got a second-trimester fetus--OW!--already kicking inside--OW!

CARLISLE: Let me talk to Edward!

BELLA: Edward's... not here right now.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: ...

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH in sparklepire format

BELLA: EDWARD, SAY SOMETHING!
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EDWARD: DEMON CHILD! GET IT OUT, THE DEMON MONSTER CHIIIIIILD!

BELLA: It's YOUR demon child!
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EDWARD: Yes, and now I'm self-loathing for two!

[Fortunately, they happen to have a superstitious Brazilian cleaning lady who happens to believe in sparklepires and has been giving Edward the side-eye all this time and better be getting paid double for cleaning up their sex wreckage and just might know how to help Bella.]

EDWARD: Please--my wife--help us--!

SUPERSTITIOUS BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY: *side-eyes Bella's stomach*

EDWARD: Is there anything we can do to save her?

SUPERSTITIOUS BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY [in Portuguese]: DEAAAATH! THE UNHUMAN IS DEAAAAATH!!

EDWARD: WE MUST DESTROY THE UNBABY!!

[While Edward speed-packs, the indie rock soundtrack makes Bella realize that she wants her super-accelerated vampbryo.]
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA [whispering on phone]: Rosalie! Infant obsession activate!

Jacob's House, La Push Reservation

CHARLIE: Bella says she's been quarantined with an extremely rare and contagious tropical disease, so she's not coming home...?

JACOB: And you believe that?
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Maybe I do. Maybe... [*SHOTGUN*] ...I don't.

Chez Sparklepire

JACOB: OPEN UP, LEECHES!

CARLISLE: Shhhhh--

BELLA [distantly]: Who is at the dooooooor, Precioussss?

JACOB: Wait, she's here?

[He runs up the stairs to discover--a grotesque, greymaciated Bella, a hundred months pregnant, lying on a sofa, cradling the swollen belly that is draining her life force. Before her, Rosalie stands guard; beside her, Edward sits with her vomit pail, putting together the saddest scrapbook ever.]
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLUM: Yessss... Jacob may approach us, Precioussssss...

JACOB: Oh my God, what's wrong with her?
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EDWARD: She's got… [haunted whisper:] Cronenberg Syndrome.

JACOB: YOU DID THIS!!

[And only the Cullen family can keep Jacob from pounding Edward into glitter, for Edward will not defend himself. His will to live is gone, his heart is broken: his dazzle is utterly chagrined.]

EDWARD [*sob*]: I've killed her with my virile hell-seed!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: WHY WON'T ANYONE TAKE IT OUT OF HER?!

CARLISLE: Well, we were going to, but then Bella summoned the Babytron 3000.

ROSALIE: **BABIES ARE MY PRIME DIRECTIVE**

EDWARD: Jacob... let's talk outside for a moment.

ROSALIE: Edward! Don't you dare go offer Jacob sex rights to Bella if he'll get her to abort the baby!
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EDWARD: GOD, ROSALIE, OKAY!

The Treaty of Sparklefur

EDWARD: Look, I want to force a radical demonectomy on Bella as much as you do. For some wacky reason, she chose to marry me but she's all about you. Go convince her to have a vampire abortion to save her life. Please. I'm begging you. And if you can't, and my nightmare hellspawn destroys her, you can have what you've always wanted. You can kill me.

[Jacob pauses to imagine the moment he has longed for: his hated rival, alone in the forest, tackled by a rogue Snuffleupagus.]
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: Try to make it look a little better when you actually do it, okay?

Jacob Black, Abortion Counselor

ROSALIE: **PERIMETER BREACHED**
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: It's okay, Rosalie. Jacob may approach the Precioussss. We long for his chestular fires, yesssss.

JACOB: I can't... what? I can't even. DEATH BABY IS GOING TO RIP YOU OPEN!

BELLA: PRECIOUS IS A MIRACLE, WOLFBOY. YESSSSSSS.
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JACOB: I CAN'T EVEN BE HAVING WITH THIS

[Jacob storms outside *MOTORCYCLE KICK* because he is the worst at helping ever *SHIRT RIP* and hulks off to howl it out in the woods *PANTS POOF* where of course all the other wolves can hear his wolfy thoughts.]

ALL THE WOLVES: GROWL?!?!

SAMWOLF, CHIEF OF WOLVES: GRRRRR? GRR GROWL GRRR RWWWWOWWWWL???

JACOBWOLF: GRRRRRR!

SAMWOLF: GRRRRR GRRRRRR!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SETHWOLF: arf arf arf!

GRRRRR! GRRR? GRRRRRRWWWWW.

SAMWOLF: GRRR! GRRR! GRRRR!

JACOBWOLF [defiantly]: GRRRRRROWWWWWWWLLLLL!!!!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Well, that explains everything.]

A Scene That Must Have Happened

JACOB: Man, I am so glad I keep a stash of unexploded clothes in the woods.

Chez Sparklepire, Command Center

JACOB: Well, I'm back. Good news is that the wolves are going to sit outside until you come out. Bad news is, the wolves are going to sit outside until you come out. But I'm sure you leeches have kept yourselves fed all these weeks so that you wouldn't get hungry and attack Bella.

CARLISLE: ...Oh.

EMMETT: I NEED MY PROTEIN, BRO!
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JACOB: MAKE IT WORK.

[Out in the Cullen backforest, Jacob is joined by...]

SETH, THE LITTLEST WEREWOLF: If you're gonna be your own alpha because you're the grandson of the real werechief, I wanna be your pack!

JACOB: Dammit, Seth, go be adorable somewhere else--Leah, what are YOU doing here? You hate vampires, you hate Bella, and you hate me!

LEAH: The only thing worse than listening to you mind-meeble about Bella was were-hearing every time my ex-fiancé got it on with my cousin! Don't make me go back there!

JACOB: *WHATEVER paws*

You Can Google It

EMMETT: Dude, did you seriously just google "immortal cum"?
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: IMMORTALICUM!

THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!

EMMETT: You totally googled "immortal cum."
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: I YAHOOED IT!

EMMETT: ahahahahahaha

Backforest, Chez Sparklepire

ESME: I just wanted you to know, we really appreciate the three of you protecting Bella even thought you hate us so much. Most of us have special powers, like Edward, who can read minds (except Bella's), and Alice, who can see the future (except the baby's), and Jasper, who can control moods with his hair, and my power is love. So I brought you sandwiches. Sandwiches of love.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEAH: Are they VAMPIRE SANDWICHES?

ESME: *hangs head*

Carlisle's In-Home Birthing Suite, Because Why Not

EDWARD: Carlisle says that the demon fetus is crushing you inside out, because it's just as sparklestrong and ~*dangerous omg*~ as me. But it probably won't rip you open, because it'll starve you to death first and your heart will just give out. D:<

BELLA: Well... at least you'll have a part of me to cherish after--

EDWARD: WHY WON'T YOU KILL MY BABY?!
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BELLA: How are you anti-choice AND pro-abortion?

EDWARD: How are YOU pro-life AND pro-DEATH?

BELLA: My body, my choice!

EDWARD: WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO NOT GIVE YOU A CHOICE?
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Yeah, you know what I think about that? HWOOOORRRRRRFFFFFFF

Family Room of Awkward Despair

[Bella is laid up with an IV in her hand, starving as the giant death baby drains her of nutrients. Everyone sits around and watches helplessly. Well, Emmett's in front of the TV watching the game, but, you know.]

BELLA: OW! That was our rib, Precious!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Stupid love of my life. Stupid cuddling to keep her warm. Stupid fever of a hundred and werewolf. Stupid mutant vampire baby. This sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS.

EDWARD: ... IDEA.

DR. CARLISLE COMPASSIONATE CULLEN: Huh... well, I do have some O-neg laid up for when Bella starts vampiring…

A Scene That Must Have Happened

SOME DOCTOR: The only thing that can save him is an O-negative transfusion!

SOME NURSE: But we're all out of donated blood!
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SOME HEART MONITOR: -^--^--^--MEEEEEEEEEEEEEP------

Family Room of Awkward Despair

JASPER: You... you held out on us?

CARLISLE: Edward, go get a cup--

EMMETT: Bro, go get one of those red Solo cups from the bachelorvamp party!

[Instead, Edward returns with a tall styrofoam cup, a plastic lid, and a straw, because the Cullens... are running a soda fountain back there in the kitchen, I guess? Carlisle squeezes a few pouches of STOLEN DONATED BLOOD into the cup, and, after some hesitation, Bella does what she must to save her baby and her own life: chug down raw blood while a roomful of hungry vampires watch.]
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BELLA [slurrrrp]: Ahhhhhhh. Yesssss… it pleases the Precioussss.

JASPER: *cries*

Casa de Swan

CHARLIE [on phone]: Bella? You really are in quarantine for a rare but curable tropical disease, right? DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE.

BELLA: Yes. I totally am. I totally, totally am. Cough.

CHARLIE: I'M ON A PLANE RIGHT NOW
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BELLA: NO NO NO! I'M NOT IN BRAZIL! I'M IN SWITZERLAND! AT A HOSPITAL! A SPA! A SPASPITAL! ON THE MOON! *CLICK*

YOU GAVE CHARLIE A SAD

And Baby Makes Three

EDWARD: Bella, forgive me for emotionally abandoning you in your time of need. I mean, you completely gave up on life for three months when I made a choice to leave you, so I thought maybe you could give me a couple of weeks to wrap my mind around impregnating you with a murderous hell fetus against all science and reason, but I see now that I was wrong. It is all about you... wait, what did you say?

BELLA: I didn't say anything, I was basking in your Velvet Voice.™
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD [listening to her stomach]: Death baby... death baby likes me!

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: I can hear his tiny deadly thoughts! The Precious loves you and is very sorry for hurting Mommy! Aren't you, Precious? [*kissing giant terror belly*] Who's a precious little death baby? You are!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Rosalie, I need the barf bucket.

Chez Sparklepire

CARLISLE: Well, Bella's really close to delivering, so I think half of us should go steal more blood from the hospital, before Jasper's hair tries to eat someone. Again.
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JASPER: IS NO ONE EVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN?

ESME: But how will we get around the wereblockade?

JACOB: No worries. I got this.

The Backforest

JACOB: HEY GUYS! If you all wolf tight right here, I'll go kill the death baby myself! The leeches trust me.

SETH AND LEAH: Gasp!

[But Sam still has a couple of weres posted out in the woods, so Carlisle, Esme and Emmett have to fight them off, and Esme tries to defend herself with love but that's kind of the worst super-power ever, but Emmett is all NOT WITHOUT MY NOT-MOM!!, so they get away and vamp over the gorge back into sparklepire territory.]
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SAM: *shakes paw at the heavens*

Twilight Means Never Having to Say You're Kidding

BELLA: For the baby's name, I thought I should namesmush the people who are most important to me—you know, our parents and not-parents, Charlie and Renee, and Carlisle and Esme, and of course both my favorite guys—

EDWARD AND JACOB: *eyeroll*

BELLA: --so if it's a boy, ~~Edwob Charlisle~~ Edward Jacob, and if it's a girl--this one's really awesome--Renesmee Carlie Cullen.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now.

EDWARD: *frozen grin*
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALICE: Well, looks like we're going to have to reboot him again.

BELLA: Don't any of you like it?

ALICE: Well! It's a lot like the situation!

JACOB: UNNATURAL AND FUCKED UP?
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[Then Bella snaps backward in half and collapses, shrieking, broken.]

JACOB: LIKE THAT! JUST LIKE THAT!

CODE NOM

EDWARD: We're going into a Ripley Situation! She's gonna Kane on us!

[By the way, Bella is entirely, screamingly conscious for all of this.]

EDWARD: It's going to have to be a C-section! SCALPEL!

ROSALIE: SAVE THE BABY! YOU MUST... SAVE THE... mmmm delicious freesia tastyblooooood
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: ALICE! GET HER OUT OF HERE! LET HER LICK THE SCALPEL OR SOMETHING!

[...leaving Bella with an undead teenager with two outdated medical degrees and a biker wolf who dropped out of high school.]

JACOB: It's not cutting through the sparklemarble amniotic sac! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: Only vampire teeth can cut through vampire tissue! I--I--I'M GOING IN!

. . .

JACOB: NOTHING WILL BE OKAY EVER AGAIN
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[Edward emerges from the strawberry gore and cream-cheese afterbirth with...]

EDWARD: It's a Renesmee!

JACOB: EDWARD, STOP LICKING THE BABY!
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EDWARD: I CAN'T HELP THAT MY DAUGHTER IS DELICIOUS

JACOB: Rosalie, take the baby!
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ROSALIE: **OBJECTIVE ACHIEVED**

JACOB: SHE'S FLATLINING!

EDWARD: GIANT GLITTER SYRINGE!

JACOB: Of what?

EDWARD: My venom!

JACOB: Wait, needles can't pierce sparklemarble, where did you get that?

A Scene That Must Have Happened

EMMETT [banging on door]: HEY BRO, YOU WANNA GO GNAW SOME ELK OR WHATEVER?
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ALICE: Go on without him. He's going be in there for a while.

CODE SPARKLE

JACOB: Edward, I am pretty sure that if a giant injection of sparkle to the heart didn't turn her, chewing on her arms and legs isn't going to do much better--

EDWARD [sobbing, gnawing]: NO! NOOOOO! MY SAVORY BELOVED!
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Bella is dead. Real real trufax dead. There will be no Part 2, and there will be no millions of dollars. Sob.]

Vamptastic Voyage

[This time, Bella is getting the total vampire firepain experience, and we get a venom's-eye view of all her veins and arteries burning. But though she is having a scream-seizure on the inside, she looks dead on the outside, and Edward, in his grief, seems to think that resusci-crushing every rib she's got is going to bring her back. So Jacob decides that he is gonna go GET THAT BABY and KILL IT DEAD, and there's the Babytron 3000, blissfully rocking a bundle in her arms, and as he approaches, Renesmee catches Jacob's eye (the infant hussy!), and there, with Rosalie blessedly unaware of the fuckery unfolding behind her, Jacob. imprints. ON. THE BABY.]
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[ON THE BABY!!!]

[He then goes tripping into a misty vision of Renesmee as a child and then a teenager presumably at the age of consent (but younger than her 17- and 18-year-old parents, because anything else would just be weird) frolicking through her very own sparkle meadow:]

JACOB: It's like she's your new center of gravity. Nothing exists but her. You would do anything she wanted. Be anything she wanted. Friend, brother, protector, diaper-changer, babysitter, playdate, boyfriendbutonlyifshewantsyouto THAT IMPLIES CONSENT OKAY?!?!

A THING THAT HAPPENS

[And so Jacob drops to his knees in worship of his new Bella-related reason for living:]
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JACOB: Hey baby. You so newborn, baby.

The Obligatory Poetic Voiceover at the Beginning of the Movie

BELLA: "Childhood is not birth to a certain age, where at a certain age the child is grown and puts away childish things."
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[OH NOOOOOOOO]

The Battle of Dazzle Porch

[Edward and Alice and Jasper, who I guess they had locked up in a closet all this time, must fight off the wolves! They are outnumbered and chewed upon! BUT THEN! Carlisle and Esme and Emmett return to punch wolves in the face, YEAH BRO! and Sethwolf and Leahwolf join the vampires but things are still not looking too good and then Jacob LEAPS INTO THE FRAY!]

Do you MIND? My newborn half-vamp soulmate is TRYING TO SLEEP!

JACOB: IMPRINTED, SUCKAAAAS!

THE CULLENS: WTF?
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE WOLVES: grrrtf?

EDWARD: [reading Jacob's mind]: It's... true. He... he imprinted on my baby. And the wolves can't attack anyone's... imprintee? Game over.

[Everyone kind of looks around awkwardly, kicks some dirt, and wanders away.]

EDWARD: Welp. Guess we better go check on my dead wife.

JACOB: Seriously? You're not mad?

EDWARD: Whatever.

JACOB: You're not going to beat my ass? It was in the trailer and everything!
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EDWARD: Furball, I still have placenta stuck in my teeth. I'll deal with you later.

The Hottening

ALICE: This is my favorite part!

[Alice dresses Bella's lifeless body in a cute blue minidress, and while she's off dyeing shoes to match, the venom unbreaks Bella's back, uncrushes her ribs, installs new curves, and does her hair and eyeshadow. Bella's life sparkles before her eyes: the indie rock, the love triangulation, the dumbass suicidal stunts she pulled, all the plot points who tried to kill her, the montages within montages, love at first whiff, the blue camera filters and the golden topaz amberscotch eyesex, all the way back to when she herself was a newborn, because she is going to be reborn, if you see what they did there. So the Cullens stand around keeping vigil while Edward waits for Bella to come back to him, bitterly scrapbooking ~*Baby's First Crush.*~]
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ESME [*shoulder pat*]: A watched vamp never sparkles. Come on, Edward, we can go watch Jacob play patty-cake, it'll be okay.

...

...

...

BELLA: 8 [

TO BE CONTINUED.

A Scene Halfway Through the Credits

[Aro and the other two Volturi sit on their Italian vampire thrones, because that's all you have to do when you're umpteen thousand years old; I guess Carlisle, like, called their palace or something and left a message, and their human secretary, Bianca, apparently wrote it down:]

SOME MESSAGE: Carlile says Bela is a vampir so u dont need to kill them
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ARO: Grazie, my sweet. Colossus? Flay her.

ALICE: I psychically see an MSNBC van headed our way? Someone is going to ring the bell--a "Chris Hansen"?

JACOB: NOBODY OPEN THE DOOR!!

Fin.

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(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 19:37:49 GMT

Previously on ~*The Twilight Saga*~:

Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Recap: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner
Many other recaps

So... I got a little loopy on this one. Enjoy.

The Mean Streets of Seattle

[A dark and stormy night! A handsome young man: prey for an invisible predator who terrorizes him like a catpire with a mouse, finally pursuing him to the dead end of the docks. He has nowhere to run! He has nowhere to hide! Finally the creature strikes! He collapses, screaming in agony as the venom takes over! I am... really confused, because this looks like a movie about actual vampires and actual vampiring.]

A Magical Sunny Meadow Filled with Pretty Purple Flowers

[Okay, now I know what movie we’re in.]

[You know what? If we’re going to call this a ~*saga*~, I think we need more Vikings.]

[EDWARD CULLEN was a fearsome sparklepire, bronze of hair and mighty of fangirls, and after many trials that could have been avoided if he hadn't been a total dick, he brought back to his beloved his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow), and thereupon fair Bella did recite to him the songs of her English textbook.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA:

... so I can choose fire
or I can choose ice;
If you don't get that metaphor
I can reread it twice.

EDWARD: That's a nice poem. Marry me.

BELLA: Edward, I'm trying to study!

EDWARD: Marry me.

BELLA: No! I'm too young to get married before I die!

EDWARD: Marriage bridal wedding husband me marry marry marry.

BELLA: NO!

EDWARD: marrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarryme
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: GOD, IS THIS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LISTEN TO ME WHINE ALL THE TIME?

Casa de Swan

BELLA: Edward, I can have friends other than you. Like, say, Jacob Black. My father wants me to see Jacob. According to this massively passive-aggressive note, Jacob wants me to see Jacob. I want me to see Jacob. SO PUT THE ENGINE BACK IN MY TRUCK.

EDWARD: Only I know what is best for you. You are fragile and meaty, and Jacob doesn't have the same rigid self-control that I do--
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BELLA: Is that--a euphemism or something?

EDWARD: --so I can't allow you to put yourself in harm's way. If you don't want me to watch you sleep tonight, I'll understand.

Bella's Window, Five Minutes Later

EDWARD: She's gonna open the window. She's gonna open it any minute now. Aaaaaany minute now...

Bella's Window, Three Hours Later
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EDWARD: BELLA! BELLAAAAAA! You're supposed to pout for five minutes and then your self-respect crumbles and you let me in anyway! It says so right here in the book! This--this--it's like sleeping on the couch, only there's no couch and there's no sleeping! I'M SCARED AND I'M CONFUSED! BELLAAAAAAA!

Forks High, The Next Morning

MIKE: Hey, remember when the mundanes were pretty much the best thing in the movies?

ERIC: And we're still more ethnically diverse than the Airbender movie!
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JESSICA: FIRE NATION BURRRRN

BELLA: Alice! You're psychically foreseeing something! What is it?

ALICE: *whistles*

BELLA: Edward! You can read her mind! What is she seeing?

EDWARD: *ceiling glance*

BELLA: WHY WILL NO ONE TELL ME WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT?

~~Team Jacob~~ Police Headquarters

CHARLIE: Have I mentioned lately that I hate you? Because I do. A lot.

EDWARD: Why? I’m smart, clean-cut, handsome, rich--a good student from a good family who won’t even go past first base with your daughter. I’ve even begged her to go to college and not throw her life away on me. It’s not my fault you raised Bella to define herself through abject codependency on a man.
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CHARLIE: OH NO YOU DID NOT

BELLA: So... we'll be taking that trip to see Mom now!

The Direct Sunlight of Florida

RENEE: Is your boyfriend indoor-only, or something?

BELLA: Yeah... you could say that.

RENEE: Oh! I got you a graduation present! Look, it's a quilt I lovingly made myself from all the t-shirts we got from all the many road trips we took, just you and me, so you can remember all the good times we had when you're at Secret Vampire University!

BELLA: We did stuff together?

RENEE: Of course we did! I'm your mother! That means I occasionally remember I have a kid!
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BELLA: Wow. Unexpected emotion is unexpected. Holy crow, ditching everyone I know to become a vampire might actually be hard.

We Can't Stop Here, This Is Werewolf Country!

[And so the Bronze-Hair gave his forests and his mountain-lions into the hands of his not-kinsmen, so that he might take his beloved to a sunlit shore far, far away from things actually happening, and his not-kinsmen might seek his greatest foe: Victoria, That One Redhead Vampire Who Demanded Vengeance For James, Her Slain Lover, Even Though He Was A Severe Asshole, And I Don't Really Know What Else She Expected To Happen When He Kidnapped The Tasty Beloved, Yea, To Torture And To Eat Her.]

CARLISLE: Look sharp--they've recast Victoria, so she'll be harder to spot!

ALICE: I psychically foresee her coming our way!
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JASPER: GAP AD FORMATION!

It's all about denim this summer!

[But their sparklespeed, their wirework, their new-learnt parkour were all for naught, as the vengeful Victoria had been upgraded, her A-list pixels eluding their grasp, finding safety in the realm of their natural enemies, who were loath to allow intrusion.]
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EMMETT: THE WERES ARE HARSHING MY AWESOME!

The Leader of the Pack (Vroom Vroom!)

JACOB: *marlonnnnn brandooooos*

EDWARD: *jaaaaames deaaaaaaaaaans*

JACOB: *MARLONNNNNNN BRANDOOOOOS*
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EDWARD: *JAAAAAAAAAAAAMES DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS*

JACOB: SO, BELLA, HAS HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PLOT YET?

BELLA: About the what?

JACOB: You know, his family hunting Victoria, who has come back to EAT YOU.

EDWARD: I’m sorry, little boy, did you say something?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: I don’t know, old man, did you go deaf?

[And so the Savory Beloved did cut class and mount the wererival's motorsteed, while the Tousled of Hair gazed after in deep chagrin, and sought a teacher to tell on herrrrr.]

Werewolf Central

LEAH: GTFO VAMPIRE GIRL

BELLA: Oh, are you a muffin-baking Wolf Girl like Emily now?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEAH: No, I'm a GIRLWOLF, which means that I have to share Jacob's werethoughts and listen to him meeble about YOU all the time.

QUIL: lol yeah. BELLA AND JAAAA~COB, WOLFING IN A TREEEEEE--

JACOB: QUIL, GO IMPRINT ON A TODDLER OR SOMETHING

BELLA: What's imprinting?

JACOB: It's a deep, spiritual bond where someone who may or may not yet be toilet-trained becomes your center of gravity. She becomes your whole world. You would do anything for her, you would be anything for her. Anything. All night long.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: So... uh. Ew. Yeah. Have you... ew.

JACOB: No, I won't imprint on anyone for at least another 500 pages. But I FEEL like I have! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!

BELLA: SO I'M GOING HOME NOW.

Casa de Swan, That Night

[While fair Bella's kinsman did slumber on his couch, Riley the Gullible invaded to caress her goods and belongings, taking thence a garment for his nefarious plans, and stood before her father, who was also pretty savory-looking, and saw thereupon that her father's case files did have Riley's own name upon them.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RILEY: HIS FORCEFIELD OF IRONY REPELS ME!

[And thus did Charlie escape Riley the Creeper, as did Bella, who, as was just sung, was not home at the time, because otherwise this would have been the shortest movie ever (although still pretty satisfying), and Riley's treachery was not discovered until the Bronze-Hair returned:]

EDWARD: BELLA! SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME WAS LURKING AROUND YOUR BEDROOM!!

The Witless Protection Program
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[Okay, that was cheap.]

[Verily, the two enemy clans of bloodsucker and werebeast reached an uneasy truce and a shared custody arrangement, wherein fair Bella would be guarded at all times so that the sparklepires might occasionally snack. And so, before the Bronze-Hair returned to his forests and his mountain-lions, he took leave of his beloved with public roadside makeouts, that not coincidentally did mark his territory before his shirtless rival.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: BELLA, I CAN MASSAGE YOU WITH MY ABS!

BELLA: GIVE IT UP, JACOB!

Werewolf Beach Bonfire

BELLA: Oh, wow, the Ceremonial Telling of the Werelegends? If I'd known this was going to be formal, I would have worn my khaki skirt or something.

BILLY BLACK, JACOB'S DAD: We fictional Quileutes have long had the powers of wolfing out; and so this is the tale of the first Cold One. Our ancestors were a peaceful people, but then Peter Murphy came to snack upon them, and as our ancestors were Bauhaus fans, they felt deeply betrayed. And thus, we fursploded for the first time. And then the Cold One's mate came to wreak her vengeance upon us in turn, because vengeful women robbed of their mates is actually a recurring motif in this series, now that I think about it. So then, when the foreshadowing was darkest, the third wife of our ancestors' chief slew herself so to as to distract the Other Cold One with her blood, because she couldn't possibly just cut her finger or something. And so, in times of trouble, when greater numbers of vampires threaten our tribe, more and more of our young people fursplode--
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SETH, THE LITTLEST WEREWOLF: Like me!

BILLY BLACK: --so as increase the numbers of the pack.

LEAH: AND THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS BELLA'S FAULT. THE END.

Missing Persons Department, Casa de Swan

[And noble Police Chief Bella's Dad Charlie grew more and more fixed upon the case file on one missing-and-presumed-eaten Riley ~~Coffins~~ ~~Pyres~~ Biers.]

CHARLIE: You know, if you ever disappeared, say, with the entire Cullen family under mysterious circumstances, I would never stop looking for you. Ever. Maybe when I died of grief. I would probably stop then.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: WHAT IS WITH MY PARENTS AND THIS "CARING ABOUT THEIR CHILD" THING?!?

Werewolf Country Is for Lovers

JACOB: Bella, I love you, and I want you to know this, so we don’t have any wacky misunderstandings--

BELLA: Oh, like the one in the last movie, where you made Edward think I was DEAD?

JACOB: --because I want you to choose me. Choose life, not death. Choose a real future. Choose a guy who can age occasionally, if he feels like it. Choose a family of werebabies with me. Choose fur. Choose abs. Choose tight fitted t-shirts and visible undawears--choose motorcycles, not Volvos. Choose someone who can keep you warm at night, literally. Choose someone who would have sex with you right now.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Jacob, I love you, but I will always love Edward more. Also, it's muddy out here, and "choose" doesn't look like a word anymore.

JACOB: HE-WOLF DECIDE HOW PUNY GIRL FEEL! JACOB KISS BELLA TILL BELLA AGREE!

BELLA'S FIST: *FACEPUNCH*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB'S FACE: *FISTBREAK*

Casa de Swan, That Evening

JACOB: Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?

BELLA: BAD DOG! NO BISCUIT!

JACOB: Well, at least Edward won't be too mad. I mean, he never gets mad about anything, he just stands there and wrings his hands like a--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost . cleolinda.livejournal.com
[~*VAMPIRE VOLVO OF GREAT JUSTICE*~]

EDWARD: RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HE-WOLF NOT EXPECT SPARKLE GUMPTION!

EDWARD [*SPARKLESHOVE*]: IF I HAVE TO RESPECT HER PERSONAL AUTONOMY, YOU DO TOO!

JACOB [*WEREPUSH*]: YEAH WELL I RESPECT HER RIGHT TO CHOOSE!

EDWARD [*DAZZLESMACK*]: I RESPECT THE CHOICE SHE ALREADY MADE!

JACOB: STALKER!

EDWARD: MOUTH INVADER!

JACOB: SLEEP WATCHER!

EDWARD: BAD ROLE MODEL!

JACOB: NO YOU!

EDWARD: NO YOU!

CHARLIE: OKAY, BACK OFF, TWINKLETOES!

JACOB: No... it was me. I laid one on Bella, and she broke her hand. On my face.

CHARLIE: ...

JACOB: Come on, Charlie, you like me better than him! You're supposed to congratulate me in a really obnoxious, paternalistic way!
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CHARLIE: WHAT? What is WRONG with you? WHY THE HELL would I do that?

JACOB: But... Charlie! I'm your best friend's son! You've always wanted Bella to go out with the werewolf next door! I'm practically family!

CHARLIE: *HEADSMACK*

EDWARD: Thank you, Charlie, it really means a lot to me that--

CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*

Emergency Kitchen, Chez Sparklepire

ROSALIE: GREAT. Bella's gotten herself hurt AGAIN, and Carlisle's fussing over her dumb ass AGAIN, and now EMMETT thinks she's awesome too, just because she PUNCHES WEREWOLVES.

EMMETT: But babe! That was totally--

ROSALIE: *DEATHFACE*

BELLA: Rosalie... why have you spent three movies hating me so much?

ROSALIE: I DON'T HATE YOU!!!!!!!

BELLA: OKAY WELL THEN MAYBE YOU CAN JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR DEAL IS.
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ROSALIE: MY DEAL is that I was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT and SOMEHOW RICH in the Great Depression, and all I wanted was A HUSBAND and A BABY, but instead my fiancé invited his friends to ASSAULT ME AND LEAVE ME FOR DEAD, which seems COUNTER-INTUITIVE if you're MARRYING A GIRL FOR HER MONEY, and then CARLISLE FOUND ME and VAMPIRED ME so that maybe EDWARD would WANT ME AND YOU CAN SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT. Torturing my fiancé to death in the wedding dress I was going to marry him in was fun, though. Good times.

BELLA: *backs away... slowly*

The Mean Alleys of the Mean Streets of Seattle

[And there Riley the Gullible did endeavor to teach his new-turned recruits to vam and to pire, to feed discreetly, hide the bodies, and cover their tracks.]
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RILEY: Okay, ten-car pile-ups and screaming hookers are not discreet. I left you people alone for five minutes and now everything is ON FIRE. I've seen RIOTS that were more subtle. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID? YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME!!

You. You are why we can't have nice things.

[Far above, ~~Dakota Fanningpire~~ ~~Claudia~~ Jane and her Volturi X-Men observe the chaos.]

COLOSSUS: So this Riley is building an army of extra-strong newborn vampires, and we are keeping an eye on this, because the clairvoyant Cullen is only watching Victoria and our leader Aro, and we are permitting this to happen because we want the Cullens to be neutralized.
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JANE: Colossus, exposition bores me. Don't make me taze you with my eyeliner.

LEECH: Sister, are you at all concerned that Victoria might become too powerful, now that she has been recast?

JANE: Who do you think made them recast her in the first place?
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LEECH: Wow, you really are evil.

Valedictorian Speechatorium, Graduation Day

JESSICA: Now is the time in our lives when we go out into the world and decide what we want to be. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to decide what to be--astronauts, ballerinas, veterinarians--me, I always wanted to be an Oscar nominee--

EDWARD: Pssst, Bella. I've always wondered--what did you want to be, before you met me and instantly decided to throw it all away? You know, like a vocation, or a profession?
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BELLA: Like a... what?

JESSICA: --not really a big deal that I was in some embarrassing vampire movies, right? I mean, I’m not really even in them except for like five minutes each! I’m just here to class up the joint! So in conclusion, I say: Try everything! Make mistakes! Particularly mistakes that aren’t permanent! Go to college! Date lots of boys, even a few that aren't monsters! Don't commit yourself to anything! You're too young to get married--

BELLA: :D

JESSICA: --or to get dead!

BELLA: >: (

Alice's Graduation Party, Chez Sparklepire

BELLA: So, Jessica, about this “too young to get dead” thing--

ANGELA: Can I say something? You know, I was supposed to be the closest thing you had to an actual friend, but I never get to say an--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JESSICA: omg Stephenie Meyer loves this band, let’s dance!

JACOB: Look, Bella, I'm sorry I was a werehole.

BELLA: Jacob, nothing you can say will make up for the fact that you disrepected my free will and personal space.

JACOB: I carved you a charm bracelet?

BELLA: Ooo, quaint!

ALICE [*gasp*]: I psychically sense that the plot is moving forward! An army of newborn vampires are out there, somewhere, huffing Bella's shirt!

Mmmmmmmm, polyblennnnnnd

[And though the Bronze-Hair was loath to be rivaled, therefore did he and his not-kinsmen parley with their natural enemies, represented thereunto by Jacob and his boyz.]

BELLA: No! The wolf guys will get hurt if there are action scenes!

EDWARD: AS IF I WOULD BE SO LUCKY.

JACOB: WOLF PACK KILL VAMPIRES! IS WHAT WOLF PACK DO!

SETH: Seth kill bad vampires too! Seth big wolf now! Please let Seth kill vampires!
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JASPER: Oh... that’s just precious.

Jasper Hale's School of Strategic Badassery

JASPER: ATTENNNN-SHUN! We are here today to demonstrate to you wolf guys how best to kill newborn vampires, who, are not, in fact, helpless babies, but rather superstrong and batshit crazy. Number one! Kill them unexpectedly! Although given that everyone thinks that we're emo sparkle pussies, killing anyone might be unexpected! Number two! Do not let them hug you, because then you will go crunch! Number three! Pay attention to what I am saying, JACOB, or foreshadowing might bite you in the ass when we finally get to the action scene!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Thrilled to finally get a scene where he doesn't have to look constipated, Jasper shows off his awesome by slamming his entire family into the dirt. The only Cullen who gets the drop on him is Alice, because she is awesome. Finishing move: sparkle smooch.]

EDWARD: Bella, why are you over here with Jacobwolf? ARE YOU STROKING HIM?

BELLA: SO JASPER I HEAR YOU HAVE A BACK STORY

JASPER: Well, ma'am, I was the youngest major ~~on the Starship Enterprise~~ in the Confederate Army, but I did all mah real fightin' in the Wars of Vampire Aggression. It was a sepia-toned time; a time of all-too-short horseback-riding shots for the ladieeees; a time of voiceovers and Oscar nominees slumming it in corsets.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CATALINA SANDINO MORENO: What? A girl's gotta eat.

JASPER: She wanted an army of newborn vampires (like this one), far stronger and more aggressive (like these are), so she told me that she loved me, but I was just her puppet all along. I have no idea how that might parallel the current plot, though.

Alice Cullen: Best Not-Sister Ever

ALICE: So the whole family's going hunting to power up our vampire hit points, and you and Edward will have the house to yourselves.

BELLA: I thought... weren’t we going to do this thing where he bribes you with cars to kidnap me for sleepovers so I won’t run off and see Jacob?
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ALICE: Nope! For the movie, my awesome is undiluted.

BELLA: So... I'm not gonna get my toenails painted?

ALICE: Look, whatever you kids wanna call it these days, he’s over at the house ready to do it to you.

BELLA: I... what?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALICE: BOMCHICKAWOWWOW! Shoo!

Chez Sparklepire ~*After Dark*~

EDWARD: All I did was light candles, put on soft music, buy you a giant bed and give you a diamond! WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT MEANS I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU?
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[Damn, Edward, she's trying to get her freak on! What's all this buzzkill about courtship and iced tea and souls?]

BELLA: Can I at least get a leg hitch out of this?

[HOT! STEAMY! KNEE-ON-KNEE ACTION!]

EDWARD: Only if with this ring I can thee wed!

Yours for only $24.99

BELLA: Is that--is that a cheese grater?

EDWARD: Premarital hug?

The Next Day

BELLA: SO SPEAKING OF YOUR BROTHER, APPARENTLY GIRLS CAN GET BLUE BALLS TOO. DID YOU KNOW THAT? BECAUSE I KNOW IT NOW. I KNOW IT A LOT.

ALICE: *sparklepalm*

Some Romantic Parking Garage

RILEY: You know... if I didn’t know better... I’d say you didn’t even love me when you killed me out of nowhere.

VICTORIA: Baby, how could you doubt me? I love you, baby. Baby, you’re everything to me. I couldn’t build this army of newborns without you! I swear, baby, I’m going to take this army and tear those nasty-bad Cullens apart and avenge you, Ja--

RILEY: Ja...?
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VICTORIA: Ja... Riley. JaRiley. That’s... that's a nickname... endearment... thing we vampires do. Yes. That is totally what it is. That is what we do when we find our one true love. The way Edward loves Bella, as his one true mate who he would die for, that is totally how I love you. Yes.

RILEY: ♥_♥

Edward Has a Cunning Plan

EDWARD: So we'll hide Bella up on the highest mountain, or at least a pretty high mountain, while everyone else gets ready to fight, but we'll have Jacob's wolf-funk cover her delicious, freesia or lavender scent. And I'll stay with her while everyone else has the battle, because we always get stupid every time there's a noble heroic parting. See? I thought of everything.

JASPER: Does your cunning plan involve a shirtless sexbeast toting your girl all up through the forest while he tells her that he’s the real leader of the pack?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do no t repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: That was... not how it originally went, no.

The ~*Tent Scene*~ Omg

EDWARD: Look, I know you and your Fever of a Hundred and Werewolf are in the sleeping bag with Bella so she won't freeze to death, but COULD YOU STOP HUMPING HER WITH YOUR MIND?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please q uote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Have you ever considered that I'm the best humping option for her? I won't break her, I won't bite her, I won't kill her. If monsters are still her kink? Got that covered, too.

EDWARD: Yeah, I've considered that.

JACOB: Really. So... if she left you, you wouldn't kill me?

EDWARD: No, I just want her to be happy.

JACOB: So... she and I go off together and have umpteen litters of washboard-abbed werepuppies and you're... fine with that.

EDWARD: If that's what she wants, yes.

JACOB: You wouldn't even be mad?

EDWARD: Her. Happy. Want.

JACOB: Dammit, you're good.

EDWARD: ...

JACOB: ...

EDWARD: You know, Jacob, if you weren't trying to steal my one reason for living in the most underhanded ways... you'd be kinda cute.
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JACOB: Well, you know, Edward, if you weren’t a controlling, creep-ass motherfucker... no. I still wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

The Next Morning

EDWARD: I bet he really wouldn't piss on me if he found out we're getting married.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not rep ost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: ...I wouldn't bet on that.

[Just then, Jacob finds the Trapper Keeper with hearts and rainbows and Mr. and Mrs. Bella Swan doodled on it over and over again, which Edward has cunningly left out for him to find. Jacob runs off with a howl of rage to get himself killed in battle.]

BELLA: NOOOO! JACOB! KISS ME! KISS ME! HERE, I HAVE THE CONSENT FORMS SIGNED IN TRIPLICATE!

[Snowy, picturesque, chestular makeouts ensue. Then Jacob runs off to battle, perhaps slightly less interested in getting killed.]

EDWARD: So...

BELLA: That... happened.

EDWARD: That... didn't really work out... the way I thought it would.

BELLA: Yeah... no.

EDWARD: ...

BELLA: ...

EDWARD: I psychically sense that the battle is starting!

BELLA: OH THANK GOD

The Battle of Sparklesburg

[Two allied clans that once were foes now band together on the literal field of battle, waiting for Riley the Gullible and his army to romero across the water and bring unto them an action scene.]

You got your zombie film in my chick flick!

JASPER: OLD NAVY BATTLE ARRAY!

Zippers are what's hip this season!

[And yea, the two armies do clash bold upon the plain. Jasper's hair leads the charge, and Emmett punchsplodes heads into rock salt. Alice horizontivaults over the newborns in slo-mo. Hipsters go flying, and are too busy dying to notice that Victoria and Riley have left them high and shiny. There is much werechomping, and then... it's pretty much over.]

Sparkle motion: looks a lot like bullet time.

How the Beloved Was Finally Present When Interesting Things Happened

[And so it was that Edward the Bronze-Hair endeavored to prevent his fair Bella from being anywhere near things happening, but despite his valiant efforts his foe followed after, nor was she unaware of his goings. And thus, the vengeful Victoria betook herself, vengefully, with Riley the Gullible to the Pretty High Mountain with the desire to bring death to all--]
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RILEY: WE HAVE COME FOR JABELLA!

VICTORIA: Yes... we have. We totally, totally have.

[--but thither to this spot did Seth the Junior Werewolf also hie, fain above all things to slay his foes in battle and free the land from sparkling. And, with such aid, the Bronze-Hair began to taunt his foes:]

EDWARD: Riley. Hello. She doesn't care about you! You're from FORKS. She can DO BETTER.

BELLA: HEY!

EDWARD: And YOU! Stop running and FIGHT ME! To avenge the pain you felt when I ripped James’ head off, TORE HIM TO PIECES, and ROASTED MARSHMALLOWS OVER HIS BURNING CARCASS.

BELLA: Uh, actually, that was mostly Alice--you just kinda gnawed his throat a little first--

EDWARD: SHUT IT, BELLA

[But then young Sethwolf was dashed upon the mountainside, and the Bronze-Hair, though mighty of fangirls, found himself at the mercy of his enemies, with only the Savory Beloved, remembering the furry songs of old, at liberty to do something stupid and ineffectual with a rock--]
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VICTORIA: Wait, did she just stab herself in the arm? For real? Is she actually bleeding?

RILEY: Is she not supposed to do that?

VICTORIA: Well, I mean, it's just--she just always stands there being fragrant while other people have action scenes. I mean, half the time she isn't even conscious. I--I don't really know what to make of this.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repo st. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[--but while their foes pondered such mysteries, Sethwolf fell upon them LIKE FURRY DEATH FROM ABOVE, and yea, though Riley the Deceived begged Victoria to save him from the snarfling of his enemy, she did betray him, and great game this seemed to Sethwolf, who had been half-dead erst. But thereafter Victoria was served in her turn by the not-fangs of the Bronze-Hair, who chawed on and spat out her head upon the Pretty High Mountain, and did render her to sparkly barbecue with his Bic. And yea, the Tasty Beloved looked thereupon, and in her heart was gladness that she had actually been allowed to do something interesting, rather than hear tell the tales of men long after.]

The Second Battle of Sparklesburg

[And in the hearts of the two clans there was also gladness, because all their enemies lay twinkling upon the battlefield, and none of their own took hurt, except that then Some Random-Ass Straggler leapt out, and the Unacknowledged Werechief did knock Leahwolf the Bitter out of the way so that he might have an extra share of glory, but lo! He had not paid attention in vamp-fighting school! And yea, he did go crunch. But the head of the Cullen clan was a bonesetter of some renown, and it was in his power to heal him--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or li nk back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CARLISLE: Uh... can I drop by the rez later? We’re in the middle of a denouement here.

The Volturi Arrive

EDWARD: You know, I’m tempted to say you took your SWEET-ASS TIME GETTING HERE so maybe we’d all kill each other first.

JANE: Mm. Your insinuations bore me. Who's the kid?

CARLISLE: Why, this is Bree Tanner™, narrator of Stephenie Meyer's new novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner! She’s so plucky and sympathetic that my compassion feels compelled to take her in and make her part of our fa--
© 2009 Cleolinda J ones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JANE: Mm. Crucio.

BREE [howling in agony]: NNNNNNGAAAAHHHHH! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! IT ALL STARTED WHEN I SOLD MY BODY FOR A CHEESEBURGER OF PAIN--

My hand to God

JANE: BORING. SUMMARIZE.

BREE: Riley did it all for Whoever She Was and I don’t know anything!
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JANE: Colossus? Remainder her.

Jacob's House, La Push Reservation

LEAH: So Jacob's in there getting all his bones rebroken and set, he's high as a kite on morphine, and she's come back to stomp on his heart all over again? She can't even wait 24 hours? I don't even BELIEVE this.

SETH: Well, Edward is pretty dreamy--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link b ack, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEAH: *BITCHSMACK*

[And thus did the Tasty Beloved take her leave of the noble wolf not-chief, bearing with her these parting words:]

JACOB: Well, if you ever get tired of popsicle, come around and see me sometime--!

The Meadow of Great Sparkle

BELLA: Edward, I want you to know--in choosing you, I'm not choosing an angel cupcake marble Adonis over a handsy, hot-blooded he-beast. Really, I'm not even choosing you at all, even though I went on for several hundred pages about how irrevocably and involuntarily I fell in love with you. As a human, I don't fit in--I'm so tired of this miserable existence, where I am too pale, too slim, too smart--secretly hot, adorably clumsy, and wanted by all the boys. Because I know where I really belong--as a vampire, I will be the bestest vampire that ever vampired. I am ready to be the ultimate Mary Sue, Edward. In choosing you, I'm choosing me.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: How... romantic?

[And so the Tasty Beloved did don the cheese grater of his ancestors, and after the mighty sparklepire consented to premarital hugs once more, they returned to spread tidings of joy, and to beg for mercy from her kinsman, though he might be fain above all other things to go after the Bronze-Hair with his shotgun.]

BELLA: If I put on the ring, can we choose the sex now?

EDWARD: NO!!

Fin.

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(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Clash of the Titans in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 21:52:25 GMT

Before we start: I seem to be nominated for a thing! (And so are copperbadge and otterdance!) My name is misspelled, and Neil Gaiman will probably crush us all, but I've never been nominated for a thing before, so that's pretty awesome. Voting ends on--4/15, I think?

So. PREVIOUSLY ON MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES, FOR REASONS THAT WILL LATER BE APPARENT: Troy! King Arthur! 300! A couple of Twilight things! So... here's a palate cleanser before Eclipse, I guess.

Once Upon a Time, On an Ancient Greek Fishing Boat, IN 3-D

BABY PERSEUS: Not-Dad, all the other fisherkids make fun of me because I just washed up in a box with my dead mom and you're not my real dad.
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SPYROS: I love you, Not-Son, and I will love you for all five minutes of the rest of my life.

BABY PERSEUS: Aw, Not-Dad, you're the best.

The Bay of Big No, Argos

SOME ARGOSIAN: I hate those all-knowing, all-powerful gods who smite us when we complain!

SOME OTHER ARGOSIAN: LET'S COMPLAIN SOME MORE!
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SOME ARGOSIAN: DOWN WITH GODS!

SOME OTHER ARGOSIAN: GODS AND STATUES!

SPYROS: Damn straight! Someone oughtta take a stand! Particularly against the gods who tend to show up and kill everyone!

MARMARA: Don't say things like that! You don't know! Hades could show up with a flock of hellbats and drown the whole family! IN 3-D!

SPYROS: Oh, come on, we're not the ones actually tearing down the statue of Zeus. We're just complaining in general. Pass me the popcorn, we'll be fine.

Five Minutes Later
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PERSEUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mount Olympus

ZEUS: You know, you try to raise your mortals right. You give them the world, and what do they do? Complain all the time and lead armies against you and knock your statues down. Wah wah wah "take a stand" wah. Take a stand against WHAT? HOW? We are GODS!
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
POSEIDON: Well, YOU made them. Maybe you shouldn't have made them STUPID.

HADES: Can I torment them? Can I? Can I can I can I?

ZEUS: I--just--whatever. I am so totally over this human thing.

HADES: YAY

Some Palace, Argos

[King Eudorus and Queen Atia of the Julii are having a big Down With Gods! IN 3-D party, but for some reason, their daughter's being a big buzzkill over the fact that most of their soldiers came back dead from the statue-toppling excursion. (Also, there's some wild-eyed Prophet of Crazy who keeps wailing about titans and clashing, so no one cares about him.) So Andromeda is trying to chat up the new guy they fished out of the ocean when Atia starts talking smack:]

QUEEN ATIA: My daughter's prettier than nereids! My daughter's prettier than goddesses! Yeah, that's right! My daughter's so pretty, Thetis isn't even IN this movie!
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PRINCESS ANDROMEDA: MOOOOOOOM, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING MEEEEEE

GIANT LORD HADESMORT

I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SOLDIERS AND YOUR SCENERY

OM NOM NOM

[And when he's done snarfling the Argosians who did come back into a giant cloud of carnivorous smoke (as you do), he turns to Atia of the Julii:]

GIANT LORD HADESMORT

~CRONED!~

P.S. LEAVE ANDROMEDA FOR THE KRAKEN

KING EUDORUS: Hey, you want the new guy? You can totally have the new guy!

GIANT LORD HADESMORT

NO, I THINK I'M RELATED TO HIM

BUT THANKS

Mount Olympus

HADES [picking scenery out of teeth]: By the way, there's a new demigod running around in Argos.

ALL THE OTHER GODS: ...
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HERA: ZEUS!!

Some Prison Cell, Argos

[Everyone noticed that Hades didn't touch Perseus, so they deduce that he is a demigod (BOOOOO, DOWN WITH DEMIGODS), and he can just cool his heels in the dungeon until he agrees to be their hero and save Argos from the kraken. Hey, he has a visitor!]

PERSEUS: Wait, who are you?
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
IO: I'm a Goddess of Back Story.

PERSEUS: You got a lot of it?

IO: Oh yeah. Think you can handle it?

PERSEUS: Try me, baby.

IO: So back in the day at the beginning of the movie we had this voiceover about how there were Titans but then their kids Zeus, Poseidon and Hades rebelled and Hades created a Scandinavian monster out of his hellflesh to defeat them but then Zeus and Poseidon booted him down to... y'know... Hades and decided they'd create some mortals and run their batteries off the people's love but Hades got stuck with the people's fear, but he's stinking hideous so that worked out pretty well, and then there was this flashback where King Acrisius was trying to fight Zeus with a big army, because that totally works with all-knowing, all-powerful deities, so then Zeus stole King Arthur's back story and dressed up like Acrisius and sexed up Danaë and then he turned into an eagle and flew away--

PERSEUS: Wait, I thought the story was about Danaë and a shower of gold, and she was a king's daughter, not a king's wife...?
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
IO: You really want to be conceived in a golden shower?

PERSEUS: Point.

IO: SO ANYWAY your not-dad, I mean Angry King Not-Dad not the Nice Fisherman Not-Dad who actually raised you, he threw your pregnant mom into a box (it was actually a pretty nice box) and called Zeus out so Zeus fried him with a lightning bolt and that electrified Angry King Not-Dad with 'roid rage or something and he hurled the big fancy box into the sea and I guess she birthed you in there before she died and you two washed up and you ate your own placenta to survive, I'm not entirely sure how that worked--

PERSEUS: THAT IS GROSS

IO: --but I guess you were self-cleaning because you were all baby-fresh when Spyros found you. I know, because I was there. I was standing right there on the beach watching, because whenever ago Poseidon tried to seduce me but I said no but apparently he didn't feel like stealing someone else's legend or turning into a seagull to tap that because he just cursed me with immortality instead, and I go around telling people it sucks watching everyone get old and die just to make them feel better, but actually it's pretty sweet--the last twenty, maybe thirty years, I've just followed you around everywhere you went and watched over you, waiting for you to grow up and become a hero. When you were a kid, sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'd just pull up my driftwood rocking chair into a dark corner and watch you sleep--
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PERSEUS: GUARDS! GUARDS!! I'M READY TO GO NOW!!

It's Not a Quest Without Companion Dudes

[ROLL CALL! Draco, the crusty leader who had a hawk in King Arthur! Solon, the older guy I spent half the movie thinking might somehow be Bernard Hill! Eusebios, the younger Hot Brother! Ixas, the older Hot Brother! I mean, I guess they're brothers, because this kind of movie always has a couple of Hot Brothers. And God(s) bless them for it.]

DRACO: So. Gotta go find the Stygian Witches and ask them what to do before the kraken gets here at eclipse o'clock--

PERSEUS: Hey, also, I wanna kill Hades.
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DRACO: You want to kill Hades, the god of death? Awesome. Pretty boys, some cannon fodder, a snarky old dude, and Boy Genius over here. I can't BELIEVE I upgraded my braids for this.

SOME REDSKIRT: You know, I'm really excited about going on a legendary adventure. I've always wanted to fight in a bunch of action scenes, get some really good closeups, come up with a catchphrase or something, maybe even end up with the princess's slightly less attractive handmaiden...

EUSEBIOS: Oh... man, I hate to break it to you, but...
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
IXAS: ... shhhhh. Let him dream.

PERSEUS: Hey, weren't you the guy with the crazy eyes in Sherlock Holmes? That was a pretty good movie. I had one that came out around the same time. You might have heard of it--it was, you know, THE BIGGEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

IXAS: BITE ME, CAT BOY

DRACO: OKAY, LISTEN UP! Anything we're gonna need on this godsforsaken trip, you gotta pack it NOW. Swords, spears, shields, spare sandals, sixpack-shaped armor, all of it--okay, sure, Chatty Cathy can come. Yeah, I guess we have room for two comic relief guys you found in the street. No, leave the Prophet of Crazy here, he gives me the wig. No, I don't think you need to bring your Snuggie, we're going into THE DESERT. NO, I DON'T THINK THERE WILL BE WIFI FOR YOUR KINDLE--

SOME MECHANICAL OWL: WHIRRRRRRRR click click?
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DRACO: NO! *BOOT*

Mount Olympus

[And that's why Athena stormed out of the movie.]

That Scene Where the Hero Learns How Not to Get Dead

DRACO: Do you even know which hand the sword goes in?
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PERSEUS: No, but you put me in front of that kraken, I can fish the shit out of it.

[And then it turns out that Perseus has a really good learning curve.]

DRACO: Huh, usually it takes a lot longer to get from "I knock you on your ass" to "Somehow you pwn me."
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PERSEUS: I didn't spend all that time as a blue cat guy and not learn a little something about kicking ass.

[Over at the campfire, the gang has stopped for snacks and music--]

SOLON: I said NO MORE FLUTE SOLOS, JETHRO

[--while Zeus keeps just "leaving" magical things "around" for Perseus to "find."]

PERSEUS: I don't wanna be a god, I wanna be a MAN! YOU CAN'T BUY MY LOVE, DAD!

DRACO: Zeus left you a fancy magic lightsaber and you just threw it away?

PERSEUS: HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME!!

DRACO: Look, whether you want to accept your natural awesomeness or not, you are the son of a god, which will help us NOT GET DEAD.
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PERSEUS: I don't wanna be awesome! I WANNA BE LIKE YOU GUYS!

Hades (The Place)

HADES (THE GUY): Hark, Acrisius! I stand before you in this grimdark lair where you have suffered, lo these many years, to tell you that the bastard son of Zeus by your queen yet lives! Arise, my hideous lightning-struck minion, and avenge yourself!

ACRISIUS: SWEET.

HADES: And now, go forth with all speed and gnarliness, and be named Calibos!

ACRISIUS: Why?
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HADES: 'Cuz.

Some Twinkly Magical Glade

IO: Look! Zeus left you all these pega... su... ses... si... HE LEFT YOU A BUNCH OF HORSYBIRDS.
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PERSEUS: What is this fluffy-bunny Lisa Frank bullshit! I DON'T WANT A PONY!

[And then, all the fluffy feathery twinkletoe pegasi flutter away, because here comes A GIANT BLACK STALLION.]

PERSEUS: YEAH

IO: No man has ever ridden a pegasus, but I hear you got your Hero License to Ride Things in that other movie?
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PERSEUS: I WILL NAME HIM BADASS... THE DESTROYER.

SOME REDSKIRT: HELP HELP I AM DYING BEFORE THE ACTION EVEN STARTS!

[And then Perseus' new pony flies away. Woe.]

FINALLY, AN ACTION SCENE

[Acrisibos or Calisius or whatever we're calling him now boots Perseus down a mountain and then there's a lot of lionesque snarling and elbow-biting and hair-pulling IN 3-D and then Draco leaps sideways upside-down at Calisibos and feets him in the head, which I didn't even know you could do, and slices off his hand, so Calibos makes a run for it, and Perseus ~~lets him go, finds the Stygian witches, saves Argos, and moves on with life~~ chases after him, because apparently Perseus is half-god, half-moron.]

PERSEUS: WELL IF YOU'D TOLD ME THAT DUDE COULD SUMMON GIANT SCORPIONS WITH HIS BLOOD, MAYBE WE WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW!

[All the redskirts immediately die. The Comedy Brothers are comic, and then they run away. The characters who have names attack the scorpions with swords and shields and spears and sandals and thigh muscles and brotherhood and Draco's riding one of them like a rodeo and I appreciate this deeply and Io throws some rocks at one and Kermit-flails around for a while and then finally Perseus pops up out of the boss scorpion like a stripper out of the worst birthday cake ever. And then there are EVEN GIANTER SCORPIONS and Our Heroes are all like DAMMIT WE JUST FINISHED THIS LEVEL, and then these scary hooded guys ride up on pimped-out caravan scorpions, and it turns out they're Djinns, who talk like Wookiees, and live for hundreds of years, and are made out of demon fire and driftwood, and only Io can understand them, because, oh, why not.]

IO: He said, "Welcome to Tatooine"?
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SOLON: That is the biggest Jawa I've ever seen.

Later That Night

[Oh no! Caliwhatsit bit Perseus in the elbow so we're going back to that now! "Hades' venom"! Burning! NARRRRRRGHHHH! Oh no, one of the djinns is trying to BURN PERSEUS UP IN THE ELBOW, I MEAN, THAT IS CERTAINLY THE CONCLUSION WE SHOULD JUMP TO, LET'S TRY TO FIGHT HIM EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T FIGHT THEM OR SOMETHING WHATEVER THIS IS POINTLESS AND ALSO the blue fire is the healing fire, duh, so now Perseus is fine and everyone's friends. Maybe if you'd do more than just groan, Jawbacca, we could get on with this.]

Scenic Tatooine
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[For the next ten minutes of screen time, Our Heroes and their giant scorpion caravan lurrrrrch towards the next plot point.]

IXAS: *HWORF*

The Stygian Witches

[They've got, like, air conditioner vents instead of faces, and they think Eusebios looks really, really tasty. I cannot disprove this hypothesis.]
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PERSEUS: TELL ME SHIT OR THE EYE GETS IT

WITCH ONE: the only way to defeat the kraken

WITCH TWO: is to kill it with Medusa's heaaaaaad

WITCH THREE: it's covered in snaaaaaakes

WITCH ONE: it turns you to stooooone

WITCH TWO: good luck with that

PERSEUS: Great. Anything else?

WITCH THREE: p.s. you're totally going to diiiiiiiie

EVERYONE: D:<

The Intersection of Low Morale Street and Woe Road

[Perseus is stomping down from the mountain all frownyface when A Hooded Stranger approaches:]
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ZEUS: Here, kid. Charon's on me.

PERSEUS: I thought you were over this humanity thing.

ZEUS: Well, I mean, you are still my kid and all.

PERSEUS: What's the point? All I'm gonna do is die.
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ZEUS: You know that the witches only tell the truth on the first question, right?

PERSEUS: :D

ZEUS: Yeah--the way it works is, everyone dies but you.

PERSEUS: D:

The City of Argos

[... is beset by strife and woe, so Andromeda takes a single loaf of bread down from her obscenely opulent palace and starts dividing it among umpteen dozen starving orphans. Hey! What's that crowd in front of Hades' temple?]

PROPHET OF CRAZY: All hail Lord Hadesmort! The god of death will keep us alive, I'm sure of it!

THE ARGOSIANS: ...

PROPHET OF CRAZY: LOOK I'M BURNING MY ARM IN A FIRE
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THE ARGOSIANS: WELL THAT HAS TOTALLY CONVINCED US

PROPHET OF CRAZY: ALL HAIL LORD HADESMORT!

THE ARGOSIANS: ALL HAIL!

PROPHET OF CRAZY: FEED ANDROMEDA TO THE KRAKEN!

THE ARGOSIANS: WOOOOOOOOO!!

ANDROMEDA'S SLIGHTLY LESS ATTRACTIVE HANDMAIDEN: My lady, we must flee!

ANDROMEDA: No, I must sacrifice myself for my people! Besides, that new guy we fished out of the ocean will totally come back and rescue me. I mean, he's my love interest. It's canon.

ANDROMEDA'S HANDMAIDEN: But... he's got more chemistry with the ageless chick, and all your scenes with him got cut.
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ANDROMEDA [as citizens tie her up]: ... oh, shit.

Mount Olympus

APOLLO: You know, I really feel kind of bad for--
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ZEUS: SHUT IT, APOLLO

The River Styx

IO: So I sense that you've got a back story.

DRACO: Yeah, gods killed my daughter. She was only sixteen.

EVERYONE: *emo tear IN 3-D*

DRACO: But it is not my time to meet her yet. Unless it is, in which case I intend to go down smiling like a badass.

PERSEUS: Well now that you've SAID THAT, it is! Didn't you learn anything from Lancelot?
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DRACO: No, I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome I was.

IO: It's true.

IXAS: Dude, that was a sweet-ass hawk.

PERSEUS: HELLO, CAN WE GO NOW?

DRACO: What, you gonna pay Charon with Daddy's money?
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EVERYONE: OHHHHHHH, BURNNNNNN

The Sexual Tension Portion of the Movie

IO: So while we're being ferried across the Styx, I brought you below deck to hit you with a Medusa infodump. She used to be Natalia Vodianova, but then Poseidon jumped her in a temple and Athena got all victim-blamey so now she's a big serpent lady with reptile frizz and a whiplash tail and she's PISSED OFF. Not unreasonably, I might add. Let's not even talk about how much time she spends deep-conditioning.

PERSEUS: OW!

IO: Pay attention, or you're going to get dead. That's how Medusa's going to sneak up on you.
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PERSEUS: She's going to spank me?

IO: Hey, you live this long, you learn a few tricks.

That One Speech the Hero Always Gives

THE COMEDY BROTHERS: Hey, Perseus, we made you a scorpion-hide shield. You know, as a farewell present before we chicken out.

IO: Yeah, and I can't go with you because I'm not supposed to die y--I mean, BECAUSE MEDUSA SAID SO. YES.

IXAS: Okay, so... hold up. You're the hero, Perseus. So, by definition, none of us can defeat Medusa, because that's your job. I'm not liking the odds on the rest of us getting out of this alive.
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PERSEUS: Dude, you died in the trailer, don't look at me.

EUSEBIOS: Ixas is right, man. I don't think we have any incentive to do this.

PERSEUS: But see, this is worth it. You gotta go get killed down here in the Mines of Moria or whatever this is, because this is the adventure the redskirts dreamed of, before they died because they weren't important. We're here to fight for freedom. We're here to fight for liberty. We're here to fight for truth, justice, the Argosian way, and the right to trash-talk the gods to their faces. Before Hades smote him for complaining, my not-dad told me: someone has to put an end to this. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to... Io, did your cloak just... sprout a muppet?

PERSEUS: My point is, you guys are the four awesomest dudes I have ever known. And you, Io, are the stonest fox. And you... I don't know what the fuck you are, but it was real, bro.
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JAWBACCA: *fistbump*

Medusa's Underground Hell Temple

[So of course, everyone else dies. I'm not sure what happens to Solon, I think maybe he falls over or something, and Ixas is all like DON'T LOOK INTO HER EYES so then he does, and Eusebios is all like HOLY SHIT HE JUST LOOKED INTO HER EYES, DON'T LOOK INTO HER EYES so then he does, and then Draco gets cornered and decides to sacrifice himself so HE does, but he turns to stone smiling as promised, and then Jawbacca looks into her eyes but he can do that because he's made of driftwood instead of flesh because they totally have driftwood in the desert and then he pulls open his robe and his electric blue heart explodes on Medusa because... what?]

MEDUSA: *POUT*
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MEDUSA'S HAIR: *pout pout pout pout pout*

[And then finally Perseus gets the bright idea to look in his shield for her reflection, except that... it's the Comedy Brothers' scorpion-skin shield.]

PERSEUS: GODSDAMMIT!

[Fortunately, everyone else sacrificed themselves, did all the work dropping rock pillars on Medusa and blowing up on her, and left Perseus all their stuff, so he sees her in the reflection of someone else's shield and lops her head off. But how's he going to carry her head back to Argos now?]

PERSEUS: Hey! Good thing Solon brought that Snuggie.

Mount Olympus

POSEIDON: I'm supposed to be important, can I--
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ZEUS: NO

Outside Medusa's Underground Hell Temple

[Perseus is the only one to emerge, and Io is just revving up for a good 3-D emo tear WHEN SUDDENLY Acrisiwhatever comes OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE and kills her, KILLS HER, and Perseus is all RAAAAAA WTF but Calisithing has a swordfork or something and snaps Perseus's weaksauce Argosian sword in half so Perseus finally busts out the Olympian Lightsaber of +3 Selling Out. Finishing move: Stabby Leap in miniskirt time.]
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ACRISIUS: Perseus... forgive me... the gods made me what I am. Don't be an asshole like them. [dies]

PERSEUS: YOU KILLED MY GIRL JUST TO TELL ME THAT?

IO: Perseus... you must go...

PERSEUS: BUT I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT THE WHOLE TIME!!

IO: Perseus...! it's five till action scene...!
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PERSEUS: SERIOUSLY, WAS HE NOT WATCHING THE MOVIE AT ALL???

IO: PERSEUS, GTFO AND LET ME DIE

[And then Badass shows up in the nick of eclipse and swoops Perseus off to save Andromeda and destroy the kraken and kill Hades, hopefully in the next five minutes.]

Mount Olympus

HADES: Is it eclipse yet? Can we release it now? Can we? Can we can we can we?

ZEUS: Fine. ~RELEASE THE KRAKEN.~ Whatever.

[Massive suckered tentacles slither up the halls of Olympus, and a vortex of fangs barfs up a pirate hat.]
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ZEUS: WRONG KRAKEN! SEND UP THE CRAPPY ONE!

HADES: Why are you always so mean to me?

The City of Argos

[Now that the eclipse has started, you'd think they'd evacuate Argos, but there's eleventy thousand teenage girls rioting in front of the Odeon yelling something about a marble Adonis, I don't even know.]
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PROPHET OF CRAZY: I hope you appreciate all the work I put into this place. I mean, it's not easy to build a sacrifice patio on short notice.

ANDROMEDA [hanging from ropes]: Yeah, the restraints are really nice.

PROPHET OF CRAZY: Well, if you're going to get snacked by a hellbeast, you might as well do it in style.
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[Half the movie's budget emerges with an earth-shaking, spittle-spraying, stank-breath roar! It's... kind of a seafaring cave troll. A turtle-faced, spider-eyed, tentacular cave troll. IN 3-D.]

PROPHET OF CRAZY: Fear not, my people! All the kraken wants is the princess!

[And that's when a giant tentacle smashes down and takes out the waterfront district.]

Mount Olympus

HADES: Hey, guess what! I'm strong enough to take over now because I tricked you into making mortals fear me instead of love you! And now they fear me a LOT. So THERE.
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ZEUS: I still don't understand exactly how that was supposed to work. I mean, we were already existing just fine before they loved us. We don't actually need them to love us. We just... decided it was a thing, I guess?

HADES: ...

ZEUS: ...

HADES: Are we clashing yet? Is this clashing?
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ZEUS: Well, technically, our parents were the titans, but your hellrobes don't go too well with my sparkle armor, so maybe that counts.

What's Left of the City of Argos

[Hades goes to watch the city get whomped while Andromeda is Fay-Wraying around in her restraints trying to get the kraken's attention, possibly making her the only person who ever got mad that she wasn't getting sacrificed fast enough, and right in the middle of Hades' stirring chant of MY KID IS BETTER THAN YOO~UUR KID, Perseus arrives! On his new ~~pony~~ MOOOOOOM, IT'S A STALLION pegasus! With his shiny adamantine sellout sword! And then Hades summons his hellbats again and they play keepaway with Medusa's head for a while and the Comedy Brothers show up on a caravan scorpion to pinch at them a little bit but eventually Perseus gets the head back and gallops up to the Sacrifice Patio and unsnuggies Medusa's head and brandishes it at the kraken! It makes a very sad O_o_O_O_o_O face as its giant pixels gradually turn to stone. And then BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, Perseus gets a lightsaber charge-up from Zeus and casts Hades back down to the underworld! Where he... kind of lives (deaths?) anyway! So Perseus didn't kill Hades like he swore to, and a good bit of Argos is jacked up now, but he totally saved Andromeda! Yay!]
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[And then the stone kraken falls onto the city and the Sacrifice Patio topples over into the sea. Uh.]

Some Beach, Argos

[Perseus and Andromeda wash up on the beach, and eventually Perseus comes to after Badass starts whinnying and biting his head, which I think translates as SEAWEED BLOWS, WHERE IS THE GRASS?]

ANDROMEDA: You have saved me and my kingdom from the kraken! I mean, mostly! Come, marry me and be our king, so we can start rebuilding the city!
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PERSEUS: Can I call you "Io" in bed?

Some Cliff, Argos

PERSEUS: So I told her I'd rather be a man than a god.

ZEUS: But--a king is a man. And you're keeping all the stuff I gave you.

PERSEUS: Look, the upshot is, me and Badass are gonna go walk the earth in search of adventures and shit.

ZEUS: BEST SETUP FOR A SEQUEL EVER
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PERSEUS: I KNOW RIGHT

ZEUS: Well, we'll definitely have to get you a new love interest, then--

PERSEUS: DAAAAAAAAAD, I DON'T WANT A NEW ONE, I WANT THE ONE I HAAAAAAD

ZEUS: Well, you know, it's generally not my policy to bring back the dead, and I obviously don't get along with Hades too well--

PERSEUS: Can you bring over that blue space-cat chick?

ZEUS: Son, that's really a bit too close to bestiality for me.
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PERSEUS: SAYS YOU.

ZEUS: HEY LOOK, I BROUGHT IO BACK!

PERSEUS: YOU'RE THE BEST, DAD!

Fin.

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(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Win a signed Movies in Fifteen Minutes book at Helping Haiti Heal

cleolinda — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 18:15:16 GMT

So this is short notice, but it all came together very quickly--from 2-6 pm EST (that's about an hour from now), the HP Alliance is doing a livecast webstream show (a podathon, if you will) to benefit Partners in Health, and if you donate, you'll be eligible to win various prizes. It's relevant here because I've pledged a signed Movies in Fifteen Minutes paperback (I'm all out of hardcovers), so if you want to try to get one of those, make sure you check that out.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, however, we also got signed books from Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett (and he'll sign those to you), Peter David, Diane Duane, Lilith Saintcrow, Rosemary Clement-Moore, Lev Grossman, and JK Rowling. A full set of Harry Potter books, signed by JK Rowling. There's also tons of multi-fandom prizes (listed here); I saw stuff from or relating to True Blood, The Guild, wizard rock, AND SO MUCH MORE. And also: a lightsaber. Seriously, it's a ton of awesome stuff. (I kind of covet Alivan's Elder Wand replica, myself, but I'm not eligible, I don't think.) Go! Go forth and donate for awesome stuff!

http://www.thehpalliance.org/haiti/

New Moon in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:27:35 GMT

Yeah. I spent a week in a phlegm-laden coma. It took me about a week longer to write this than I expected. Background/catch-up links:

Twilight
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: Twilight movie discussion episode
Original commentary on Twilight (book)

New Moon
Discussion of New Moon (movie) and fan behavior at an early preview
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: New Moon movie and celebrity/fandom discussion episode
Original commentary on New Moon (book)

By the way, I would recommend clicking the links here within the text itself; a couple of them are really... something else. Reading 2012 in Fifteen Minutes may also help.

Early O'Clock, Casa de Swan

CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!

BELLA: DAAAAAAAAAD! I was dreaming about being my own grandmother, DO YOU MIND.
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CHARLIE: Look, I got you a camera so you can take pictures of your friends! You know, those kids you should stop ignoring, in case your creepy boyfriend suddenly leaves you. And hey, your mom got you a scrapbook to go with it... what? What? Why is that so funny?

Forks High

EDWARD: *jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames
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JACOB: Happy birthday, paleface! I stopped by Redskins 'R' Us and got you a dreamcatcher. I hear you'll be needing one a few scenes from now.

BELLA: Thanks... I guess?

EDWARD: deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans*

[Edward is one pack of cigarettes rolled up his sleeve from a rumble with the Sharks; I kind of want to pinch Jacob's cheeks. It's a little bit Opposite Planet, is what I'm saying.]

EDWARD: Happy b--

BELLA: NO DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY I AM NOW A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU I'M SUCH A COUGAR lol except okay yeah you are a hundred years old YOU ARE SUCH A DIRTY OLD MAN OMG SO GROSS hanging around like this with an underage teenage girl except wait I'm legal now because OH GOD I AM EIGHTEEN AND THAT IS ONE MORE THAN SEVENTEEN AND I AM SO OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: o_O ...?

EDWARD: Yeah... this is my life now.

Some English Class

BELLA: ilu bb

EDWARD: So while we're on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I've been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you're just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I'm thinking... death by sparkle at high noon.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: I SAID, ILU BB

SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.

EDWARD: *sigh*
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SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.

Bella's OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY Party

BELLA: Hey, I've been hanging out at your house all this time, but I've never noticed this painting before.

EDWARD: Well, you have been attached to my face for the last six months. It's a portrait of the Volturi--you know, the vampires who would help me kill myself, like I said.
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BELLA: Yeah, the foreshadowing is really nice.

[And then a revival of Interview with the Vampire breaks out.]

[And all the Cullens got her presents just like she didn't want: Alice got her a dress from Hot Topic and Rosalie got her a necklace inscribed Whatever, Bella, I Hate You and Emmett's all like YO BELLA I GOT YOU THIS STEREO IT'S TOTALLY FLY, but right as Bella's opening Carlisle and Esme's present, Jasper's hair flips out and tries to snarfle her, so Edward... hurls Bella into a table full of sharp and breaky things. GO YOU, SPARKLES.]

Mad Hair Disease is a serious issue that affects us all

The Rainforest in Bella's Backyard

EDWARD: So we're all leaving town and I don't want you to come.
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BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.

EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.

BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO

EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what's best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we'll call it even.
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BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN'T NO
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EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.

BELLA: EDWARD!

EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.

BELLA: EDWARD!!!

EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*

BELLA: ...omg.

[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shellshocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]

Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life

Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls

Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT

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[These never appear in the series.]

CHARLIE: Okay, that's ENOUGH. You've been sitting here in your pajamas not changing facial expressions for FIVE MONTHS, writing emails to that loopy Cullen girl who won't even answer you, waking me up every night with screaming nightmares--what the hell are those even ABOUT? The kid dumped you, he didn't rip the beating heart out of your chest!

BELLA [opening overshirt]: YES HE DID.
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CHARLIE: Well... then... spackle that up and... go pretend you have friends or something. Harry and I gotta go hunt.

BELLA: Hunting? In your police uniform?

HARRY CLEARWATER [ominously]: The plot points have returned.

The Alley Behind One-Eyed Pete's

JESSICA: So I mean, I know that zombies are this big thing because it's, like, a critique of the capitalist sheeple status quo or whatever, but who wants to spend two hours watching a zombie take his shirt off? No one, that's who. They probably don't even have abs, just, like, flabby rancid organs falling out and stuff. Yeah. That's hot. Last time I ever let you pick the movie. Wah wah my heart's been ripped out of my chest screaming nightmares I'm incomplete without a man wah, when we could be watching Inglorious Biceps or Johnny Depp Is Sexy Doing Anything--
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[A pack of biker guys in the parking lot start catcalling at the girls, so Bella flashes back to that time in the first movie when she got in trouble with street-prowling lowlifes and Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save her. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one's delicate human. The name always sounded way too much like a woman's secret place for Edward's comfort, but safety is important. In conclusion: Volvo. Out of habit, Bella starts heading for trouble.]

IMAGINARY EDWARD: No, Bella! Don't go any closer, my sweet moron!

BELLA: So... wait. If I risk my life in incredibly stupid ways, I'll have hallucinations of my ex-boyfriend berating me? SWEET.

[So Bella rides off with some really sketchy biker while Imaginary Edward wisps along all NEVER GO TO A SECOND LOCATION WITH A STRANGER and BELLA, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU ARE NOT EVEN WEARING A HELMET until finally even Bella gets freaked out by her complete lack of instinct for self-preservation.]
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SOME BIKER: And then she just ran off before I could kidnap her or assault her or anything!

SOME OTHER BIKER: Aw, don't take it personally. She was probably just distraught over visions of her vampire ex-boyfriend.

JESSICA: OH MY GOD. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go directly to CRAZYTOWN.

[Because Jessica is talking sense, she is not allowed to speak again for the rest of the movie.]

Jacob's House, La Push Reservation

BELLA: Hey Jacob, can you give me a hand? I'll never get this broke-ass motorcycle up and killing me by myself.

JACOB: You wouldn't happen to just be using me for my l33t mechanic skillz, would you?
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BELLA: No! Of course not! I'm also using you to fill the gut-wrenching, Edward-shaped emptiness in my soul.

JACOB: Oh, well... cool, then.

[Because Jacob is awesome and funny and charming, he soon has Bella accepting nourishment and listening to indie soundtrack rock again. He even gets her to interact with people, having upgraded his posse to a couple of boys who are actually his age. Oh, and who look good without shirts.]

QUIL: Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
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JACOB: HEY, DON'T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?

A Little Somethin' for the Ladies

[Well, this whole movie is a lotta somethin' for the ladies, but... exceptionally so.]
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BELLA: OMG LOOK AT THOSE SHIRTLESS GUYS TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES, THIS IS SOMETHING I AM INTERESTED IN

JACOB: Bella, they're just cliff-diving.

BELLA: Hey, wait--is that--Quil and Embry?

JACOB: Yeah... they used to be my friends, and then they joined Sam's musclebound boy-band cult. And I think he wants me next.

BELLA: Sure, that's great, whatever. Now, about this death bike thing...

[So Jacob teaches Bella the safe and responsible way to start and stop the motorcycle, so that she can then completely ignore him and go roaring down the road while Imaginary Edward (Bellaaaaaaaaaa) and his handwringing (Bellaaaaa, I told you to wear a hellllllllmeeeeeeeet) pop up to distract her (Don't you need a license for one of these thiiiiiiiingsssss) like obstacles (If I were real I would so tell on youuuuuuuu) in a bad video game. So of course she wipes out and cracks her head open. GOOD JOB. Then Jacob strips off his shirt so he can dab ineffectually at the blood pouring from Bella's head, because he is not old enough to receive certification in emergency lapdance.]

BELLA: Wow... you're sorta beautiful.

JACOB: : )
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BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we'd be in business.

JACOB: : (

Invigorated, Bella Rejoins the Mundanes

MIKE: So... Bella... you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I was thinking about this romantic comedy called Mike Newton Finally Makes His Move--
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BELLA: A movie sounds great--hey guys! Who wants to go see Face Punch: The Ultimate Cockblock?

No, Seriously, It's Actually Called Face Punch

[And it is pretty much the most awesome movie ever. I mean, until Mike runs off to hworf up his popcorn in the restroom.]

JACOB: Bella, do you like me-like me? Here, check yes/no/maybe.

BELLA: Jake, if you persist in trying to get me to give back to you emotionally, you are totally going to ruin our friendship, and then I won't be able to use you anymore.

JACOB: Never, Bella! I will never give you up! I will never let you down--I will never run around and--
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MIKE: Before I get carried off to the hospital, I would just like to say: OLD MEME.

JACOB: OH YEAH? WELL, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL! WHERE YOU WILL NOT HAVE ADEQUATE HEALTH CARE UNTIL THE SENATE VOTES ON A BILL!

MIKE: What was that, "acting"?

BELLA: Oh my God, Jake--you're so hot.
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JACOB: Thanks, baby.

BELLA: No, I mean, I think you are running an actual fever. Like a fever of at least a hundred and--

JACOB: I HAVE TO GO NOW.

The Cure Is Not More Cowbell

[Supposedly Jacob has the flu, but now he won't answer the phone, won't answer the door, won't speak to Bella at all. So she goes out in search of her emotional crutch, only to find him out moping shirtless in the rain, his hair cut short, the Sign of the Boy Band Cult tattooed on his arm, all his charm gone. Unfortunately, like Samson, his awesome was in his hair. It's all downhill from here.]

JACOB: It's not you, it's me! I'm not good for you, Bella! STAY AWAY OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT! Go on, leave me to my emo before I run out of ironic clichés!

BELLA: You can't break up with me! I wasn't even letting you go out with me!
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[But then Sam and his Brotherhood of the Waxen Pec arrive to collect Jacob.]

BELLA: YOU KNOW, AT LEAST I GOT SOME PREMARITAL SNUGGLING OUT OF EDWARD FIRST!

Edward's Favorite Meadow (He Had a Favorite Meadow)

[Desperate and alone, Bella goes back to her favorite eyesexing place, but it's nothing but a parched, empty field now. You guys, Edward bounced and he took the meadow with him. HE TOOK THE MEADOW WITH HIM. Unfortunately, he did not take that one bad shirtless vampire from the first movie with him. No, the other one.]

LAURENT: Y hello thar, tastiness.
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IMAGINARY EDWARD: Lie, Bella, lie!

BELLA: SO MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND'S ON HIS WAY AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE REAL REAL SOON

IMAGINARY EDWARD: LIE MORE BETTER

[Surely Real Edward will come running to save her! But no! His dazzle is too imaginary, woe. THEN SUDDENLY a pack of GIANT FREAKING WOLVES jump out and chase after Laurent and you know whatever happens next is going to be TOTALLY AWESOME, so Bella just... runs home.]

BELLA: OMG CHARLIE CHARLIE THE PLOT POINTS AREN'T BEARS! They're giant freaking wolves!
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HARRY CLEARWATER, OF THE WEREWOLF CLEARWATERS: No, they are bears. They are totally, totally bears.

BELLA: No! I saw them! They were... uh. Doing stuff. And then I came home. The end.

CHARLIE: So... there was a pack of Giant Freaking Wolves out in your favorite meadow, doing... stuff.

BELLA: Look, I only ever hear about these things after some male character fills me in, I'm not allowed to actually be there when interesting things happen.

Casa de Swan... After Dark

JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I'm mostly naked and it's late at night?

BELLA: Wait--I don't--you're asking first?

JACOB? What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl's bedroom?

BELLA: Jake, no! I haven't opened the window yet!
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JACOB: Don't worry! My nipples can cut glass!

[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella's room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]

JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie?

The Beach, La Push Reservation

BELLA: Wait, what?

JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.

JACOB: I really, really need you to remember--MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.

BELLA: Mmm. Story?
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JACOB: The story about the--STOP PETTING MY ABS.

BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn't know it?

JACOB: *FACEPAW*

He's--A Warwelf? A Worwilf?
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BELLA: OHHHHHHHHH.

[So Bella marches over to Jacob's house in righteous indignation to confront Sam's Esoteric Order of Pectorals--]

BELLA: *FACEPUNCH*

[--which pisses off one of the Lesser Freaking Wolves. Hey, maybe action movies really do promote violence. BEEFCAKE SMASH PUNY FEMALE! Jacob decathlons out of the house to save her! DUELING FURSPLOSIONS THROUGH THE YARD, HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT ROWBOAT TOO MUCH, and it is so awesome that the camera falls over.]

QUIL: I say we go eat.

BELLA: What? Shouldn't we wait until they stop killing each other?
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QUIL: Nah, they're gonna be here a while. Generally I like to leave before the winner starts humping.

Werewolf Central

[Let's have an infodump while we wait on the furries to quit wrestling!]
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QUIL: So Jacob couldn't tell you stuff because Sam alpha-ordered us not to and that means you literally can't disobey him except maybe Jacob could a couple of books from now because he's secretly the REAL pack leader which I know because we can all hear each other's thoughts when we're out wolfing which is pretty awesome except when there is weredrama and that kind of sucks like right now because we're really kind of sick of Jacob thinking about you all the time, like seriously, you don't even want to know--let's just say it's a good thing we've got a stash of extra pants in the woods so you won't see when--

EMBRY: OMG, STFU NOOB

EMILY: Hey, Vampire Girl! I'm a Wolf Girl because I'm engaged to Sam, the pack leader. I mean, yeah, he clawed half my face off because one day he got mad and I was standing there, but he felt real bad about it afterwards.

SAM: I only hurt the ones I'm close to, baby.
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EMILY: Weremuffin?

The Beach, La Push Reservation

BELLA: So... you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and... now you're allergic to shirts.

JACOB: It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It's not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]

BELLA: Hey, who said I was complaining?
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JACOB: Well, I mean... that's kind of what you do.

BELLA: Well, since we're on the subject: YOU KILL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GO WOLFING, OMG WTF HDU.

JACOB: Um, NO, we kill VAMPIRES, who kill people. Like Laurent, in a fight that was too awesome to actually show you. Victoria sent him ahead for some reason. If only we could figure out who Victoria is after!

BELLA: UM, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK.

Speaking of Whom...

[Victoria is back and redder than ever in stylish thrift-store mourning for James, the Bad Shirtless Vampire that the Cullens killed in the first movie. Both her speed-mo and her vamp-fu are vastly improved, and she pretty much gets the one awesome background song in the entire movie while the werewolves chase her through the forest. Unfortunately, Harry Clearwater has to keep Victoria from finding Charlie and Charlie from finding the wolves--]

CHARLIE: Is that a Giant Freaking Wolfprint?

HARRY: What? I see nothing.

CHARLIE: Hey, who's that redhead?

HARRY: I have no idea what you're talking about.
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CHARLIE: But there's a Giant Freaking Wolf chewing on her head---

HARRY: LOOK OVER HERE, I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!

The Cliffs of Coincidence

BELLA: I can't live without a man. If this is the only way I can get him to tell me how stupid I am, so be it.
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[So Bella takes her swan dive, because Swan, you see, and...]

BELLA: Wow! I lived! I can fling myself off cliffs every day if I want to hear Edward bitch at me!

THE EARTH

ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL
WHAT IS THIS RETRO '50S BULLSHIT

*BITCHWAVESLAP*

Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes

[Victoria just happens to jump off the same cliff while fleeing the werewolves, so she's sharking slowly through the watery gloom while Bella drowns, but that's okay, because Edward's with Bella now.]

BELLA: I mean, it's just Imaginary Edward, but the ocean's like a metaphor for sex, right? That's a pretty good way to go--WEREWOLF CPR WTF YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE
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JACOB: Yeah... Harry Clearwater IS dead. While you were out there throwing your own life away, something bad actually happened to someone else.

BELLA: ... Awkward.

Snuggling in Bella's Broke-Ass Truck

JACOB: Warm your hands at my chestular fires, baby.
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BELLA: Ahhhh... a monster who could kill me, a hero to save me when I do something stupid, a man to drive the truck for me... it's almost like being with the guy I actually love.

[Just as Bella decides she still can't bring herself to throw this kid a pity kiss, LOOK LOOK IT'S A VOLVO OMFG A VAMPIRE VOLVO!]

JACOB: Bella, no! It's some kind of trick! I'm outside wereterritory here, I can't defend you! STAY OUTSIDE AND DO WHAT I SAY!
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BELLA: WHOA WHOA HEY THERE, WOLFBOY! YOU DON'T GET TO PUSH ME AROUND! YOU DON'T EVEN TWINKLE!

JACOB: *TRUCKPUNCH*

Casa de Swan

[OMG IT'S ALICE! HEY ALICE! She came alone, though, just to see if Bella was dead or not because she psychically saw Bella jump off the cliff and rather than call and be like HEY BELLA, I SEE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF IN THE NEAR FUTURE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK YOUR LIFE STRATEGY THERE, she just took her sweet-ass time driving over and scared the shit out of the other Cullens but that's cool because it turns out that Bella's just stupid, not dead. But why could Alice not see that Bella would be fished out by a werewolf?]

ALICE: THE WERE IS HARSHING MY CLAIRVOYANCE

JACOB: YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY

ALICE: SHUT YOUR FACE DOGBREATH
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JACOB: JACOB SMASH MOUTHY SHE-PIRE

ALICE: STFU MUTT

JACOB: GTFO LEECH

ALICE: NO, YOU

JACOB: NO, YOU

[--until Bella finally breaks it up to take Jacob aside:]

BELLA: We don't have to keep going around in bullshit love-triangle circles like this!
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JACOB: Yes, we DO! It's our destiny! I'm fated to end up with one of your ova!

BELLA: ... what?

JACOB: Uh... kiss me?

[Jacob manages to get one lip within macking distance of Bella WHEN SUDDENLY the phone rings:]

Some Melodramatic Garret in Rio

[Edward's holed up in some dive and his hair is sticking out in more directions than usual and his shirt isn't even starched and there's dead exsanguinated rats piled up to the ceiling because he's been too chagrined to clean up after himself. He's got a great view, though--enjoy Christ the Redeemer before Roland Emmerich trashes it three years from now!]
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EDWARD [on phone]: Wolfboy? WHY ARE YOU AT THE RESIDENCE OF MY BELOVED? ... WHERE'S CHARLIE? .... "HE HAS A FUNERAL TO ARRANGE"??

[*phonecrush emosob*]

Casa de Swan

[Alice stops Bella from throttling the fever-hot werelife out of Jacob because something is coming in over the wire!]

ALICE: Edward's going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!
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BELLA: IN THE MANNER THAT WAS FORESHADOWED?!

ALICE: Omg, are you psychic too?!

BELLA: WE MUST SAVE HIM

ALICE: VAMPIRE VOLVO, AWAY!

JACOB: NO, BELLA! You shouldn't love a dangerous bloodsucker! You should love a dangerous werewolf instead! JACOB KNOW BETTER THAN STUPID GIRL! JACOB SMASH VAMPIRE! JACOB SMASH BELLA IF PUNY FEMALE MAKE BIG STRONG MAN MAD!
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BELLA: Excuse me, do you sparkle? No? Then slow your roll, Furball.

[Alice and Bella tear off in the Cullenmobile to conjure Bella an insta-passport and two tickets on an immediate flight that just happens to get from Seattle to Italy right in the nick of time, because Alice is awesome, and plot holes wither away before her awesomosity.]

Virgin Airlines

[OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.]

Volterra, Italy, The Vampire Capital of the World, Because We Totally Have That

[Volterra is real? I'll be damned. So everyone's hanging out in red bathrobes at a parade for the Feast of St. Irony, commemorating the day that vampires were driven out of Italy, because... what? Look, Alice steals a hot yellow Porsche to get them there, that's all you need to know.]
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ALICE: Okay, Bella Adoraklutz Swan: all you have to do is run up and down these hilly side streets, around five hundred tourists, and through a fountain in exactly five minutes without... falling on your... oh, God, we're doomed.

Teenage Sparklecide: Don't Do It

BELLA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *stumbletrip* OOOOOOOOOOOO *touristshove* OOOOOOOOOOOO *elbowthrow* OOOOOOOOOOOO *pigeonkick* OOOOOOOOOOOO *fountainsplash* OOOOOOOOOOOO *sparkleslam* OOOOOOOOOOOO!
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[Edward looks down in the middle of his suicidal unshirtfulness and notices that he is suddenly wearing a teenage girl.]

BELLA: NO! EDWARD! STOP! The movie's not shitty at all!

EDWARD: Really?

BELLA: The production values are certainly a lot better. And it's already made a crap-ton of money!

EDWARD: Well, but I heard the reviews were pretty bad--

BELLA: MORE IMPORTANTLY I AM ALIVE, HELLO
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EDWARD: DARLING!

Inside the Volturi Palace

EDWARD: Bella, of course I was lying when I said I didn't love you! How could I ever get sick of your whining?

BELLA: Edward, you crushed my heart in your marble fist and left me catatonic with grief for months on end. You said exactly the things that you knew would hurt me the most, counting on my low self-esteem and human inferiority complex to make me believe them. Why should I believe anything you say ever again? How can I trust you now?
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EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?

BELLA: NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

[In the middle of this endless sunlit liplock, Colossus and Leech show up.]

BELLA: EXCUSE ME WE ARE EYESEXING DO YOU MIND

[The "young" henchvamps have brought Edward a complimentary bathrobe and, uh, an ass-kicking summons oh shit. Alice pops up, having stolen all the tiny hotel soaps and stuffed a mini-bar into her purse--]
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ALICE: Pillow mint?

[--but then Dakota Fanningpire shows up, and because she is the biggest name in the entire movie, they all have to do what she says.]

The Volturi Throne Room

[The henchvamps take Our Heroes to see the Volturi, the head vampires thoughtfully explained at the beginning of the movie. They are led by Aro, who is FABULOUS.]

LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERSPARKLER

[FYI: Sparklepires tend to have X-Men superpowers. Alice can see the future, as was previously necessary to the plot. Aro can read someone's entire mind (except Bella's) and everything they have ever thought by touching them. Marcus has the powers of 1) of seeing relationships, because apparently that's a power, and 2) being bored off his ass.]

MARCUS: Eh, wake me when the food gets here.

[~~Dakota Fanningpire~~ Jane has Jedi mind-taser skillz, and Caius has the power of sneer. Ironically, I think Colossus and Leech have powers, but we don't see them use any.]

CAIUS: So what's Twinkletoes' power?

ARO: Reading minds (except the tasty one's)--but wait! He also attracts teenage girls!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD [somewhat haunted]: ...and their mothers. So many, many mothers.

ARO: You see! I knew you would be useful to us. And so here we are--true love! A happy ending! Manflesh fanservice! Everyone wins! Jane, crucio them with your eyeliner.

JANE: :D

BELLA: ...?

JANE: >: (

ARO: Awetabulous! Splendiferous! The human has some kind of power as well! It would be terribly ironic if she were to use it against us someday! Not to worry, not to worry--we have to kill you all anyway. Shame. I mean, unless you were going to turn the human into a vampire, but--

BELLA: I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH--

EDWARD: Stand back, my love, I will protect you! They can't hurt us--all we ever do in this "saga" is stand around and talk!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: --SERIOUSLY, THERE'S NO NEED TO--

ARO: Colossus? Pain him.

EDWARD: You can't do anything to me--I'm the hero! And I'm not just any hero--I'm the dreamiest hero there ever was!

ALICE: EDWARD, NO! THEY MAKE UP ACTION SCENES FOR THE MOVIES--!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ARO: Colossus? Pain him in the face.

Fifteen Minutes of Hard Surfaces Later

[Colossus pile-drives Edward into several marble fixtures. Judging by the cheers, I'm guessing that this is the part the four guys in my audience came to see.]

ARO: Oh, Colossus, those were my favorite steps. Well, anyway: kill them.

ALICE: No! Wait! I have seen the future, and Bella will become a vampire, which makes everything okay!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[And then Alice shows Aro a flashforward to Breaking Dawn--I am not making this up--in which Edward goes loping in slo-mo through a magical forest and then Bella runs by all a-sparkle, because apparently Bella getting vampired will send them back in time a hundred years to a world where Edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.]

ARO: SERIOUSLY? Well, I can't wait to see that. You're free to go!

[... unlike the crowd of tourists currently being herded past Bella and the Cullens.]

BELLA: Who's that?

ALICE: ... the food.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Run! Run from real vampires doing actual vampiring!]

Casa de Swan

[Bella's grounded for life, but that's okay because Edward's back to lurking in her room and watching her sleep, just the way it used to be. Ah, bliss.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Do I get to be a vampire now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: How about now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?

EDWARD: NO!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: BUT HE SAID I GET TO BE ONE NOW!

Emergency Family Meeting, Chez Sparklepire

BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire?

[Jasper's hair is all for Bella being less tasty, and Emmett is stoked to actually get a second line of dialogue, but Rosalie is all WHATEVER BELLA I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL AND ALL THAT YOU SAVED EDWARD'S DUMB ASS BUT I NEVER WANTED TO BE A VAMPIRE SO YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER, AND ALSO: BABIES.]

BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire so I'll shut the hell up?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE CULLENS: *unanimous*

POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS

EDWARD: Jacob, allow me to express my humble gratitude that you took care of my frail helpless woman after I punked out. P.S. I WIN.

JACOB: YEAH WELL IT SAYS IN THE WEREVAMP TREATY THAT YOU CAN'T BITE HER SO THERE

[And right as they're about to tear away their shirts and have an ab-off, Bella throws herself between the two men she loves! Gasp!]

BELLA: Look, Jacob: Edward is the love of my life, but jerking you around makes me feel good. See you around in the next movie.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Oh--yeah? Well--I'll--I'll go find a better series! A series that deserves a charming, snarky, comparatively normal character like me! A series that will actually give me a fighting chance at getting the girl--ANY girl--a girl who's already been BORN! THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!

BELLA: Really? You will?

JACOB: ... *weresob*

Not, Literally Speaking, The "Climax"

EDWARD: So you really want to be a vampire? You want to live forever? You want to be with me? You want, in living forever, to be forever with me?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: HELLO YOU HAVE GRADUATED SCHOOL LIKE FIFTY TIMES IN A ROW I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART

EDWARD: Then I have one condition.

BELLA: ...?

EDWARD: [Pause.]

BELLA: EDWARD, I AM TEN SECONDS OLDER THAN I WAS TEN SECONDS BEFORE, HURRY UP

EDWARD: [Pause. Pause pause pause. Pauuuuuuuse.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: EDWARD, I AM DYING OF OLD AGE HERE, SPIT IT OUT

EDWARD: [Pauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse.] Marry me.

BELLA: ...!

[THE END.]

[Wait, what?]

[You know why this is a cliffhanger? Because Bella's actual reply is that she is too young to get married. TOO YOUNG. TO GET MARRIED. BEFORE SHE DIES. AS A TEENAGER. Fortunately all the fangirl squee covered up the sound of my head exploding.]

BELLA: If I say yes, can we do the sex now?

EDWARD: NO!

Fin.

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(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

2012 in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:30:38 GMT

1) O hai! I'm going to see the ~*Special Preview Omg*~ of New Moon tonight! I feel it's more fair to wait until after opening weekend, though, so if my performance anxiety lets up long enough for me to write anything, it will appear no sooner than Monday.

2) This one's quick and loose (as quick as TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES can be), hope you enjoy it.

3) STOP REPOSTING MY STUFF, SERIOUSLY

I. The First 57 Minutes of the Movie

[I'm not using too many of the actual character names, because let's face it, I don't care and you don't either.]

The Institute of Copper Mines and Sun Science, 2009

DR. INDIAN GUY: Solar flares! Physical reactions! FERAL NEUTRINOS!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: No--it can't be! You can't mean--

DR. INDIAN GUY: YES. We are in--A DISASTER MOVIE. Look at these calculations!

(The Day After Tomorrow - teen romance) x (Independence Day - aliens) x (Deep Impact - Elijah Wood)
x (Earthquake + Dante's Peak + Poseidon) = Waterworld

© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: The Poseidon Adventure, or the bad remake?

DR. INDIAN GUY: The bad one.

DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: MY GOD.

Some Fundraiser, 2009

DR. EJIOFOR: omg I have very important news namely that the world is going to end wtf

OLIVER PLATT, WHO IS SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT SOMEBODY: We're fundraising, peon. Security! Kbai.

DR. EJIOFOR: LOOK, YOU ASSHOLE, I AM A RESEARCH SCIENTIST IN A DISASTER MOVIE!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: ... I can probably give you five minutes.

The Oval Office, 2010

[Danny Glover is playing the president, because apparently they couldn't afford Morgan Freeman.]

PRESIDENT GLOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Heads of State... I regret to inform you that we have known for six months...

THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: SIX MONTHS??

PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... that the director of this movie... is Roland Emmerich.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: :O

Somewhere Over in The Da Vinci Code, 2011

THE MANAGER OF THE LOUVRE: We evacuated the masterpieces but they are not where we put them! It is all a conspiracy! I know the truth! I have called a press conference to tell the wor[*FIREBALL*]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MADEMOISELLE THANDIE NEWTON: L'OMFG.

The Institute of World Ending and Panic Studies, 2012

DR. INDIAN GUY: GEOBABBLE ZOMG
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: WTF NO

DR. INDIAN GUY: THERE IS NO MORE TIME

DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: NOOOOOO
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. INDIAN GUY: MOST OF EVERYONE WILL DIE

DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: *EJIO TEAR*

Coincidence Beach, California, 2012

[John Cusack is the Everyman Hero; I guess they couldn't afford Nicolas Cage. He has an ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and two kids, a preteen with a bad attitude ("Noah") and a bedwetter with a hat fetish ("Lilly"). They, in turn, have a stepfather who we will only call "Gordon," because this movie hates him.]

JOHN CUSACK: If I gotta bond with the kids in the middle of worldwide miniquakes, I say we go to Yellowstone. You know, with the geysers and the largest volcano in North America, where the deer and the antelope rot by the mysteriously dried-up lakes.

AMANDA PEET: In a limo?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: I'M A QUIRKY DYSFUNCTIONAL WRITER, OKAY?

AMANDA PEET: Whatevs. Just don't forget Lilly's Pull-Ups and her thirty-seven earflappy caps.

LILLY: The one with kitty ears is my favorite!

Everyone Else, WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE

THANDIE NEWTON: I'm actually the President's daughter! I hope there's exactly one (1) other black actor in this movie for me to fall in love with.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BLU MANKUMA: I'm a cruise ship singer!

GEORGE SEGAL: It's true! We play highly ironic lounge songs on ocean liners.

BLU MANKUMA: I'm so proud of my son Chiwetel! I hope he calls me one last time before we all die.

GEORGE SEGAL: I've never met my granddaughter because I'm racist! I hope I don't have to listen to my son and his family die because I was too big an asshat to call them sooner.

RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: I am beeg stereotype with great moneys and celebutante girlfriend. Also twin boys who are the spoiled assholes. My first son, he is boxer like once I am. That is why I walk out on him when government calls to say we all die. I give them beellion dollars to take me with. Ironically, I am beeg capitalist.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HOT SASHA: I am private pilot of beellionaire. Also Russian. And hot. Extremely.

RUSSIAN NIFAUXLE RICHIE: As long as this purse dog I have, I get to live!

RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: Fake boobs I bought you also great flotation device.

Yellowstone National Park

[John Cusack decides to climb over the huge STOP - NO TRESPASSING - END OF THE WORLD fence with his kids because apparently they're all too stupid to live. Fortunately (?) they run into Woody Harrelson, Conspiracy Nut. (He's the kind of unwashed hippie nutcase who mutters about how the gummint is out to get us, let's put it that way.) Later that night, after Noah texts his dad all OMG I H8 U from all of three feet away and Lilly's cuddling her six favoritest hats, John Cusack leaves his children defenseless in the woods to go stumbling upon Woody Harrelson broadcasting from Radio KRZY-100 in a camper. I'm assuming they were able to afford Harrelson because they paid him in weed.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: Hey, man, you gotta download my blog, it explains EVERYTHING!

JOHN CUSACK: I don't know that you really "download" a--

CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: MSPaint rarrrr dinosaurs Mayans secret map Rapture spaceships beer?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: ... I'll have a double.

Quaaaaakes, Quakes Will Tear Us Aparrrrrt

GORDON: You know, here back at Coincidence Beach while the kids are gone, I feel like there's just something coming between us, Amanda.

AMANDA PEET: Like my unwillingness to have a baby with you? Or my ex-husband's continued but inevitable presence in our lives?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORDON: That, or the giant chasm now running through the Kroger, sure.

WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING, BLOW STUFF UP ALREADY

DR. EJIOFOR: HEY YOU CLIMBED OVER MY--omg! omg omg! YOU'RE THAT WRITER PLAYED BY JOHN CUSACK! I love that one book you wrote about Atlantis and humanity banding together to learn the meaning of Christmas or whatever! You're free to go!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LILLY: Daddy, can I have a military hat?

BLOW STUFF UP NOWWWWWWWWW

[So Unsuccessful Writer John Cusack goes back to his not-writing job, where it turns out that he was working as Russian Billionaire's limo driver, and his last act as such is to drive the Russian Billionaire and the asshole twins and Nifauxle Richie and Hot Sasha and the purse dog to their plane because they're going to fly away to...?]

TWEEDLEDUMSKY: Secret ships of the government that Beelionaire Daddy pays for!

TWEEDLEDEESKY: We survive!

TWEEDLEDUMSKY: IS NOT FOR YOU!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
TWEEDLEDEESKY: YOU CAN NOT HAS!

JOHN CUSACK: ... omg.

II. The Part of the Movie I Actually Paid to See

THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]

THE EARTH

OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO

© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR

LILLY: Not without my hats!!

GORDON: Cusack, we have earthquakes all the time--

JOHN CUSACK: GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!!!!!

GORDON: Excuse me, this is a PG-13 MOVIE and there are CHILDREN IN THE LIMO--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: I'LL SWEAR IF I FUCKING WANT TO, GORDON, THE WORLD IS GODDAMN FUCKING ENDING IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE.

[So The Earth starts throwing freeways and explosions and liquid shit and little old ladies at the Gordon-Cusacks--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT

[-- and jump a bunch of insta-gorges while people scream and die. Okay... maybe that part's not so cool.]

GORDON: Wow... shots of people hanging and jumping from collapsing buildings. That's... uncomfortably... 9/11-esque.

LILLY: *bawl*

[You made a little girl CRY, 2012. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?]

JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME PART AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[And then they DRIVE THROUGH A FALLING SKYSCRAPER while California collapses beside them and over them and under them like a bad soufflé and it is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, or at least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving a limo and an earthquake. Then they get to the airport, where someone's got to fly a tiny private plane through a terrifying action sequence, who could possibly do it?]

GORDON: But I can't flyyyyy, I only took two lessons because that's what bored rich doctors dooooo--

THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
FLY THE PLANE, ASSHOLE

[And then California falls into the sea. Woe.]

Somewhere Over Yellowstone National Disaster

GORDON: Cusack, where are we even GOING?

JOHN CUSACK: See, I met this crackpot conspiracy-nut DIY radio host in a camper in Yellowstone and HE says that the world's going to end because the Aztecs ran out of calendars or some shit but more importantly the GOVERNMENT knows about it and they have SPACESHIPS to escape on and I know some rich Russian asshole who can get us on one. Maybe. Probably. But I need the conspiracy nut's secret map, you see, in order to figure out where the spaceships that may or may not exist that we may or may not be able to get on are! And Fucknut's up there on... the biggest volcano in North America. YOU STAY HERE WHILE I TAKE HATGIRL TO FIND HIM.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
AMANDA PEET: WHAT THE HELL?

JOHN CUSACK: I must take a small child if I am to get out of this action scene alive!

AMANDA PEET: ...!!1!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORDON: Well, he is right, you know.

[So John Cusack hijacks the Camper of Crazy to hunt down Crazy Woody Harrelson, who is broadcasting from the tippy-top of the Yellowstone Caldera all "COLORS ARE PRETTY" getting ready to Tweet the apocalypse or whatever--]

JOHN CUSACK: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, WHERE'S THE SECRET MAP?!?!

CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: I... uh... I filed it behind "Roswell"? After "Illuminati"? Beside "Birthers"? NO! I filed it under "MacGuffins"--hey, did you just see those two hobbits run by?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: EXCELLENT, THANKS, HAVE A NICE DEATH

[And then the Yellowstone Caldera asplodes in a three-tiered mushroom cloud.]

JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!

[But John Cusack's got Hatgirl in the camper with him, so they're totally okay. They jump another insta-gorge and everything! And then The Earth starts pelting them with fire and brimstone and giant expensive volcano meteors, all of which miss the Camper of Crazy while The Earth rips open right behind them. I totally believe all of this could happen because it is BADASS.]

GORDON: All right, whatever, we're leaving. BUCKLE UP.

LILLY: But Daddy's looking for the map to save us!

AMANDA PEET: THAT IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, YOU ASSHOLE!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORDON: PEACE OUT, LLOYD DOBLER

[But you can outrun the temperature and you can outrun the wind, so obviously John Cusack can outrun the apocalypse. Gordon, who is not the star of the movie, is only just able to outfly it.]

JOHN CUSACK [*unfolding map*]: Drum roll, please! We are going to...

AMANDA PEET: CHINA?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: .. fuck.

Leaving Las Vegas

[Once they get as far as ~~Mordor~~ Vegas, they run into Russian Billionaire again, and it JUST SO HAPPENS that Gordon was the plastic surgeon who installed Nifauxle Richie's fake boobs, so Russian Billionaire lets them come with when it's time to escape on his Assholov 500 plane filled with hot sports cars. And then Vegas asplodes. The most important part of this scene is Hot Sasha, being hot.]

III. The Rest of the Movie, Which Bored Me Stupid

The White House Chapel

DR. EJIOFOR: Mr. President, it's time to flee!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PRESIDENT GLOVER: I have decided, like any good captain, to go down with my ship--I, the very last President of this great nation. But let me tell you, Dr. Ejiofor, it gives me great hope that there is exactly one (1) black actor to fall in love with my daughter. Please, enjoy your tacked-on romance through our future surviving generations.

SOME AIDE: Excuse me, Mr. President, it's time to announce that everyone's going to die.

Jumbotron, Times Square

PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... and so, in conclusion, we decided not to tell you until right now that there are a bunch of Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks and you're not on them. Death is imminent for us all, but I'm sure this prayer will console y--[*FIZZLE*]

EXPLODE SHIT ALREADY, I'M DYING OVER HERE

SOME FX GUY: So which monuments do we want to destroy this time?

ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, the White House, obviously, because we always destroy the White House. Politically dissatisfied audiences eat that up.

SOME FX GUY: Is there any other kind?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ROLAND EMMERICH: LOL

SOME FX GUY: So, the Eiffel Tower, then?

ROLAND EMMERICH: Didn't we already do that one?

SOME FX GUY: Possibly? We've destroyed a lot of stuff, I can't really remember.

ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, let's hedge our bets and destroy the Eiffel Tower on top of that one casino.

SOME FX GUY: How about the Sistine Chapel?

ROLAND EMMERICH: Oh, I don't think we've ever trashed anything in Italy, that's good.

SOME FX GUY: And we can totally show the ceiling splitting right between the fingertips of God and Man.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ROLAND EMMERICH: I am totally giving you a bonus for that. A fruit basket, certainly.

Washington, D.C.

[Due to the Yellowstone ash cloud, nuclear winter has already set in over D.C. Then the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy tsunamis on over and pwns the White House (see, because President Glover is going down with the ship, and...), where the President is impaled by a falling pun.]

Some Ironically-Named Ocean Liner

GEORGE SEGAL: You know, it really is too bad that I'm so racist, I should reconcile with--

THE EARTH

CRY MOAR
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
~BITCHNAMI~

The Assholov 500

[While Hot Sasha tries to get them as close to China as their current fuel supplies will allow, there are many tender, quiet moments involving people we don't actually care about, while Lilly strokes a pilot's hat and Nifauxle Richie comforts her purse dog.]

GORDON: All I've ever wanted is a family--a family to love and to love me, the way my wife and stepkids are clinging to Cusack right now.

NOAH: Dad, you should be nicer to Gordon, because he's unexpectedly awesome and you suck.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: Shut up and snuggle, you little bastard.

AMANDA PEET: Is it possible for a dysfunctional weaksauce writer to change? Could we love again, John Cusack? Because seriously, there's probably going to be a high male-to-female survivor ratio in the New World. I'm thinking [*waves hands*] ... man harems.

Oh, Some of the Humanity!

OLIVER PLATT: Okay, so President Glover went down with the ship, and the Vice President blew up somewhere, so I'm now--

SOME AIDE: What about the Speaker of the House? The President pro tempore of the Senate? The rest of the cabinet?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: SO BASICALLY I'M PRESIDENT NOW.

[The animals of the Earth that people actually like are airlifted over to the four Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks hidden in a Secret Chinese Dam, as well as Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton, two by two.]

DR. EJIOFOR: Dr. Indian Guy and Mrs. Dr. Indian Guy and The Littlest Indian Guy just got tsunami'd! You never sent anyone to pick them up! OMG HDU.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: Suck it, Science Boy, I left my own mother to die at Shady Pines.

DR. EJIOFOR: WAIT. How did you decide who got a seat on the Ark?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: Look, it's incredibly simple: we got a team of the best eugenicists to pick out the richest bunch of assholes.

DR. EJIOFOR: >:O

The Assholov 500

[The plane will run out of fuel before they reach China, because duh. For a moment I sincerely thought they were going to siphon all the gasoline out of Russian Billionaire's eleventy-umpteen sports cars to keep the plane going, because that is nowhere near the most implausible thing that would have happened in this movie. But no, John Cusack decides that they should all pile into a Bentley and drive out of the plane mid-air, because John Cusack can outdrive anything, including plane crashes, QED. And they can do this because the Earth's crust has shifted so far that they are now over China. Are you for real? FOR REAL. SERIOUSLY--]

THE EARTH

*SIZZLE*

[OW THAT USED TO BE MY HAIR]

[But Hot Sasha must continue to pilot the plane so that everyone else can escape, but he gets the plane to stop RIGHT halfway over the edge of the cliff. Whew! But it starts seesawing! Run, Hot Sasha! Run! RUN! I SAID RUN GODDAMMIT YOU ARE TOO HOT TO DIE--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
* $100,000 FIREBALL FX *

[NOOOOOO, HOT SASHA WHYYYYYYYY.]

[And then the Chinese military shows up to take the Russian Billionaire and Family to the Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks, which turn out to be actual ships and not spaceships because I guess the movie ran out of money to be that awesome, and he totally dicks over the Gordon-Cusacks and leaves them to die of special effects. Oh, and he also leaves Nifauxle Richie and the purse dog, because he knew she and Hot Sasha were totes doing it the whole time.]

Inside Some Secret Chinese Dam

[One of the Conspiracy Arks got bashed in by an action scene, so now they're down to three and 1/4 of the people who were supposed to survive are panicking and rioting and trampling each other to death at the docks. OH LOOK THERE IS THE RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE AND HIS KIDS. Irony: it's a bitch.]

The Big Emotional Grandstanding Speech

DR. EJIOFOR: We must let these people onto the other three Arks! If we let them die, then there is no point to saving any of humanity at all. If you do not save these greedy billionaires, it will all have been FOR NOTHING.

ALL THE OTHER WORLD LEADERS: *tears of togetherness*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: FINE. But we are SO LEAVING the Chinese workers behind, don't even ask.

Some Chinese Family, Because Someone Not American Has to Live

YOUNG BUDDHIST: Grandma! Grandpa! Brother Who Worked on the Secret Chinese Dam! We must save these stranded white people because my mentor The Great Rinpoche told me that the cup is empty.

CHINESE BROTHER: What does that even mean?

YOUNG BUDDHIST: Look, I don't know. That's why he's The Great Rinpoche. Well, I mean, now he's The Dead Tsunami'd Rinpoche, but the point stands.

CHINESE BROTHER: You know, I'm going to have a hard enough time smuggling my own family into the Conspiracy Ark. I don't even know how you expect me to sneak--one... two... six people and a purse dog in there too.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
YOUNG BUDDHIST: But look! That one is the hero! We can't fail if we've got a MOVIE STAR with us!

CHINESE BROTHER: EVERYBODY IN THE TRUCK!

Secret Survivor Conspiracy Ark #3

[While everyone's trying to crowd onto the American Ark, Chinese Brother drills into an access panel and shovels the gang inside. Unfortunately, while the drawbridge whatever gate is trying to open or close or look, whatever, my eyes were about to fall out of my head at this point and we still had an hour to go, Russian Billionaire gives the Tweedledumskys a boost to safety but falls to his own death and more people get crushed and trampled and the whole thing isn't working so well, and then--wait, that's right, the gate must have been opening because now it's trying to close and Our Heroes are about to get crushed to death and Chinese Brother gets his foot geared off so John Cusack throws the drill between the giant wheels and GORDON IS HORRIBLY CRUSHED TO DEATH ANYWAY? WHAT? WHAT?]

THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY BORED WITH THIS
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TSUNAMIS
AND ALSO MOUNT EVEREST

[Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton run down to the engine room to see why the drawbridge whatever gate is blocked and the ship is taking on water and the engines won't start and all the passengers who didn't get trampled are drowning. Look! Down there in various flooding compartments!]

DR. EJIOFOR: Hey! I KNOW THAT GUY! I'm his only fan! WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WEAKSAUCE WRITER! He is the most important, least expendable character in the entire movie!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Maybe I like this movie more than I thought.]

JOHN CUSACK: This is all my fault--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALL THE DROWNING PASSENGERS: YEAH IT IS

JOHN CUSACK: --so I should be the one to swim down and pull the drill out.

AMANDA PEET: Nooooo, you must not go! It is a suicide mission! MY HAREM'S ALREADY DOWN BY TWO!

JOHN CUSACK: Hot makeout to remember me by?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
AMANDA PEET: Oh, it is THE LEAST you can do.

Oh, We Haven't Stolen Anything From Titanic Yet, Why Not

OLIVER PLATT: Okay, seriously, Mount Everest is REALLY CLOSE NOW, Cusack needs to get on the stick down there.

[The American Ark scrapes the European Ark and the strangely, disproportionately small terrain of Mount Everest and a few icebergs and then Air Force One crashes into it because what? I don't even know.]

LILLY: HELP HELP I DON'T LIKE DROWNING IN HERE BY MYSELF WITH THE PURSE DOG
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
NIFAUXLE RICHIE: Noooooo! I am not American! I AM NOW WITHOUT CHILD OR ANIMAL! Obviously now I *glug glug glug*

NOAH: I have to go after Dad and help him, since I'm totally over that whole Gordon thing too!

AMANDA PEET: NO YOU WILL DIE AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT A HOT MAKEOUT TO REMEMBER YOU BY
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
NOAH: But my name is NOAH and we are on an ARK.

AMANDA PEET: ... Godspeed, my son.

Several Reels from The Poseidon Adventure Later...

[Father and son pull out the drill and John Cusack quietly kicks Gordon's mangled body out of the way and the drawbridge gate draws bridge! We are all saved, unless we already drowned! We should have totally run out of air by now, and Chinese Brother definitely should have bled to death, but we needed to save someone who's not American so that's cool. Noah resurfaces in the Cusacks' compartment but... John Cusack does not.]

AMANDA PEET: ...

LILLY: ...

CHINESE FAMILY: ...

PURSE DOG: ...

AMANDA PEET: Oh my God, my harem.

DR. EJIOFOR: Please. If he were really dead, we wouldn't have sat here waiting this long.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: *TRIUMPHANT SOGGY EMERGENCE!*

DR. EJIOFOR: We have averted the extinction of humanity!

THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOO!

DR. EJIOFOR: AND WE SAVED THE WRITER!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Cape of Good Hope, Because "Hope," You See, And...

[Forty days and a dove later, all the people who weren't trampled or drowned or crushed or left behind gather on the decks of the Arks. Lilly pets her new military hat and she doesn't need her Pull-Ups anymore, mostly because THERE AREN'T ANY NOW, and everyone loves John Cusack again. Presumably he will be a successful writer now, because everyone is really, really bored.]

DR. EJIOFOR: Look! Africa is the only continent to emerge unscathed! It wasn't even flooded! Now we can start all over again with John Cusack's Atlantis book to guide us, right where humanity began.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: PRESIDENCY DIBS!

DR. EJIOFOR: Hey, Thandie! Hot makeouts now? I mean, we are the only two black people left.

THANDIE NEWTON: Well, it's about predictable damn time!

Africa, The Cradle of Humanity

THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HEY GUYS
A BUNCH OF MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE ARE ON THE WAY
THEY WANT TO COLONIZE

ACTUAL AFRICANS: AW HALE NO!

Fin.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Please do not repost this text without permission or credit. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.

(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Why hello there

cleolinda — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:25:20 GMT

Okay. There is so much back story to this that I'm not even sure where to start, or how to explain it without writing you a novel, but here goes:

August kicked my ass. My computer died (I am even now working on a computer shared with four other people), and I then went through a series of tribulations known as the Compocalypse, in which three different new computers refused to boot, I had to have the entire upstairs of the house rewired as a result, I still can't afford to get my data retrieved from the old computer, so on and so forth. Also, I washed my cell phone, the dishwasher started snarling at us, our dryer died twice, we ended up with $1500 worth of plumbing problems (don't even get me started on what happened to my mother's car, which was $2800), we're still paying off the air conditioner from last year--look, I can keep going if you want. My point is, I sat down and tried to figure out what I could to to earn money quickly to take care of some of this. And somehow, I came up with the idea to annotate some of the online Movies in Fifteen Minutes stuff--the print equivalent of a DVD commentary, almost--and see if y'all would be interested. Let's try the three Harry Potter ones online, those are obviously related and would yield some interesting stuff to talk about, how about that? So six weeks of footnoting later, here we are:

THE ANNOTATED MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES¹
¹ Wizards

$6.25 US -- £3.92 -- €4.47 -- $7.00 AU

I want to be really, really clear about this: THE PARODIES ARE OLD MATERIAL. THEY ARE ALREADY ONLINE FOR FREE. YOU HAVE ALREADY READ THEM. What you would actually be paying for is some 460 footnotes of commentary material, which you can see in the preview on Lulu. It's a simple PDF file, which was the most widely-accepted format I could find. You don't even have to care about Harry Potter; the notes talk about things like the origins of GQMFs, "dead from coke," "pastede on yay," pixel-stained technopeasants, and the color puce. You also, however, get discussion of the books, the movies, the actors, various in-jokes, Americanisms, Britishisms, internetisms, AND SO MUCH MORE. Cough.

(I let folks at my personal journal test it out earlier today before I brought it to y'all at large, and so far my favorite endorsements are "The footnotes are even more fun than the parodies" and "This shit is charming.")

(Next month I'd like to put together "(2) Vampires"--Van Helsing, Dracula, Twilight--but will probably cool it for a while after that and work on my novel and short stories. You know, the respectable stuff. So I don't intend to run this into the ground, if you're concerned about that.)

If you have any questions, and I'm sure you do, ask below and I'll work up as comprehensive a set of answers as I can manage for a post tomorrow. I'm in the final phase of working out how to sell the Kindle version and how to sell to people who can't use Lulu and/or PayPal, so hold on for that.

*stands back*

A few things

cleolinda — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 02:20:16 GMT

<< From yesterday: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Fifteen Minutes.

>> Up now: The new Made of Fail podcast I'm on, Episode Nineteen: We Put On Our Robes And Wizard Hats (with an awesome, HP-themed special opening), wherein we discuss the movie itself. Sadly, of the two girls, I'm the one 1) with the Southern accent 2) and the weird laugh 3) who you can't hear too well, because my mic is weaksauce. So I talk plenty, but my volume level itself is a bit soft. But, to orient you, here's two short clips where it's clearly me talking:

1) The wizard duel at my theater on opening night

2) "Ginny Weasley got some moves!"

Also, hang in there for an Alan Rickman-induced gigglefit that seizes Jillian and me around 1h:19m and, shortly after that, a segment on wizard rock.

(This episode was recorded last week, but as it turns out, around 11m:30s, you get an explanation of a scene heading and a line that ended up in the 15M.)

>> In the 15M itself, I have now changed "wireless" to "radio," since people were having such a hard time figuring out what was going on there.

>> I feel bad that it's taken me this long to get another 15M up--I swear, I'm not abandoning it. I actually have half-drafts for Watchmen and Star Trek and just could not make either one happen (I think "Twilight in Fifteen Minutes" may have broken me). I've been having some health problems the last few months, it's been hard to write this kind of thing (where it's either funny or it's not, and you sweat bullets over it), so on and so forth.

>> In a similar vein, I want to do icons, but I don't know how quickly I can get on that. Please feel free to do your own if you want, and I'll link to them.

>> And finally: I'm on Twitter. Warning: I am really on Twitter, like, a lot (a lot of links and RTing), so be prepared. This weekend with everyone posting about San Diego Comic-Con has been particularly busy, but I'm not usually that bad. Mostly.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 02:45:25 GMT

Well, that only took ~~eight months~~ a week and a half, then.

1) Warning: strong language. Not quite as persistently as in POA/15M, but there you are.

2) No, I never went back and did Order of the Phoenix for some reason (nor Chamber of Secrets). I should get on that. But Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone is in the book and Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire are online.

3) Yes, I left out your favorite part. Was your favorite part already funny? Well, that's why I had to leave it out.

4) I do have a new agent and we're looking into American distribution for the book. (No, there's still just one. The other one is the hardcover.)

5) Feel free to link this places or make icons or make videos, but PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THE WHOLE THING SOMEWHERE ELSE. Send people here to read it. You can put up a few quotes and everything. Really, isn't it easier that way?

Our Story Begins

[... when Bellatrix and Fenrir Greyback and some other Death Eaters, I guess they're Carrows or something, twist up the Millennium Bridge like a Twizzler and raid Ollivander's shop over in Diagon Alley.]

The Prime Minister's Reaction
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[This scene has been cut for time.]

Some Diner

DUMBLEDORE: Aren't we supposed to be at the Dursleys' for a Very Significant Scene?

HARRY: I, well, uh... thought I'd flirt with this waitress? You know, in a brief attempt at having a relatively normal life?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Please, the Chosen One doesn't get to be happy.

The Charming Village of Budleigh Babberton

SOME ARMCHAIR: Horace Slughorn is not here! He's on holiday! Dead! ON THE MOON!

[Dumbledore pokes Chairace Armslug and turns him back into a vain, wibbly former Potions master.]

HORACE SLUGHORN: Harry Potter! You look just like--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: Okay, yes, I get it, I am the very zombie likeness of my father with my mother's eyes peering out the sockets, can we get over this?

SLUGHORN: Although you do not look anything like Regulus A. Black, who is in this picture right here, in case you were wondering.

DUMBLEDORE: Tea cozy pattern plz?

SLUGHORN: By the way, I definitely do not want to come back to Hogwarts, unquestionably NOT, undeniably NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT NO NO NO YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Mmkay. Thnxbai.

SLUGHORN: OH IF YOU INSIST.

The Unbreakable Vow

[Narcissa has come to beg an unusually feathered Snape for her son's life, and indeed, she is so distraught that her hair has gone two-toned. Her sister Bellatrix, however, is somewhat doubtful of Snape's stick-to-it-iveness.]

SNAPE: Begone, Wormtail! Fetch us a meat pie or something.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLATRIX: You realize that, in promising to cover Draco's ass, this is a vow that you cannot break, coward?

SNAPE: Yes.

BELLATRIX: Hence the unbreakability, scum?

SNAPE: Obviously.

BELLATRIX: And the vowness, Fluffy?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SNAPE: BRING IT.

Weasley & Weasley's Plot Point Emporium

FRED (OR GEORGE): Wouldn't it be awful if someone used our Instant Darkness Powder to infiltrate Hogwarts, thus leading to the death of Professor Dumbledore instead of just a harmless prank?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GEORGE (OR FRED): Well, that's why I put an anti-irony charm on it!

FRED (OR GEORGE): Excellent.

Draco Malfoy, Bringing Sexy Back Since: Now

LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERFUCKER, GODDAMN

YOU THINK THIS PUREBLOOD'S GOTTA FINISH SCHOOL WELL YOU ARE WRONG FOOL, HE'S TOO BUSY SCOPING CABINETS ON THE BADASS SIDE OF TOWN, HIS HAIR IS PLATINUM AND SO ARE HIS CREDIT CARDS--SQUIB, DON'T YOU TOUCH HIS CANE, THAT IS 24-CARAT PIMP.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[... I'm not really much of a Draco fan.]

DRACO: *NOSEBREAK FOOTSTOMP*

Dumbledore's Office

DUMBLEDORE: Before we get started, Harry, is there any hope you can give the shippers who want to see you with Miss Granger?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: Uh... no. Icky like a sister, sorry.

DUMBLEDORE: On to the Pensieve, then!

The Littlest Voldemort

BABY TOM RIDDLE: Sometimes snakes whisper to me. They tell me where to hide the bodies.

HARRY: So... Voldemort was a total serial killer from the age of, like, five.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Dahmer in kneesocks, yes. And that's why I need you to gain Slughorn's trust and learn more about him. About Tom Riddle, I mean--Professor Slughorn just wants to collect you.

HARRY: In... like... a jar?

DUMBLEDORE: If necessary, yes.

HARRY: Is there anything else supremely creepy I should know about?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Well, Bellatrix LeStrange's new best friend is a werewolf who bites jailbait and he's not even cute.

HARRY: D:

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, all right, we won't mention that part.

Slughorn's First Potions Class

SLUGHORN: Why, how ironic, Harry! You wouldn't have even made this class if my standards weren't so low, and here you turn out to be a potions genius!* Free Felix Felicis for you!

* Genius may or may not be real. Valid only for potions required in a sixth-year class. No refunds or exchanges; maim with unknown spells at your own risk.

[And that's why you always buy your textbooks used, kids.]

HERMIONE'S HAIR: *snarls*

Snape's First Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, A Position He Has Tried to Get Lo These Many Years and Everyone Has Deeply Feared Him Attaining
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[This scene has been cut for time.]

In Which Draco Sucks at Fixing Magic Cabinets
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DRACO: Hello, I am a Malfoy--I am not at Hogwarts to study cabinetry, what do you want from me?

The Three Broomsticks

[Because there's no better place than the local pub to spill booze on your students, make out where your brother can see, or fail to get people to kill Dumbledore.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HERMIONE: AUGH MY SWEATER

RON: AUGH MY SISTER

HARRY: AUGH MY CHEST MONSTER

KATIE BELL: *HEADSPIN*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Note: When a classmate is crucified mid-air by nothing in particular and then dropped on her ass from a great height, the best course of action is to stare and do nothing.]

McGonagall's Office

MCGONAGALL: So, this Katie Bell thing--

HARRY: I'm telling you, IT'S MALFOY.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MCGONAGALL: Potter, if we believed you right now, there wouldn't be a movie. I thought you understood how these things work!

How We Know Who Harry Should Really Be With

[Quidditch Captain Harry [NOW WITH DECENT CGI ACTION!] is trying to run tryouts, except that everyone else wants to horse around and measure broomsticks and confund Ron's rival, Hottie McGrabfast. What, Hermione? Did you say something? Yeah, I didn't think--)

GINNY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[*crickets*]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: ... That's hot.

Slughorn's Dinner Party

HARRY: Ginny! She's late! And crying! I am totally going to assume her boyfriend is out of the picture--GINNY! GINNY I HAVE SAVED PROFITEROLES FOR YOU!

SEXFACE McFINGERLICK: Hey baby. You so fine, baby.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HERMIONE: *shudder*

Pillow Talk

RON: Girls have... skin.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: Well, most of them do.

RON: Hermione's is... pretty nice. I mean... if you're into that. Skin, and all.

HARRY: Yeah... Ginny's is... also... reasonably... adequate. You know... like yours.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RON: ... I don't want to talk about this anymore.

The Big Day

[Goalkeeper Ron is about to vomit on his geometrical eggtoast and Harry may or may not have spiked his juice, but the important thing is that Luna is wearing a lion on her head.]

The Big Night

[After a lot of phallic goalie posturing with his broomstick, Ron is carried back to Gryffindor Tower a hero, where he TOTALLY STEALS HARRY AND GINNY'S KISS, THANKS and claims Lavender Brown as his groupie.]

HERMIONE: I've been occasionally awkward with him for five movies, Harry! In between all the scenes that were mostly about you and me being BFF, it did happen a few times! I took another boy to the Yule Ball to make him mad! I CHEATED FOR HIM, HARRY. Only you can understand my pain! HOLD ME.

RON: Hey, remember that last movie, when I actually got to say something besides--

HERMIONE: *CANARIAL VENGEANCE*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RON: BLOODY HELL!

The Library

HERMIONE: LET ME TELL YOU, HOGWARTS, HOW DEEPLY I DO NOT CARE THAT RONALD IS SNOGGING SOMEONE ELSE.

Slughorn's Christmas Party

[So Hermione takes Beef McAbcrunch because she's pissed at Ron and Harry takes Luna because Luna is awesome, and anyone who is ~~not Ron Weasley~~ anyone is there at the biggest party of the year.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: Neville, what are you doing?

NEVILLE: Well, Professor Slughorn said... if I wanted any screentime in the movie at all... I could serve drinks at his party.

HARRY: Oh, Neville.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[However, it's a very productive evening for Harry, who helps Hermione escape Buff McSmarmalots, gets Hunk McTouchyfeel to throw up on Snape's shoes, sees a Malfoy thrown out for gatecrashing, and eavesdrop-confirms that Snape and Malfoy are up to something.]

The Burrow

LUPIN: NO THEY ARE NOT UP TO ANYTHING HARRY THAT IS RIDICULOUS WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO BITTER AND ANGRY????
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
TONKS: Sweetheart, I told you not to forget your Werewolf Midol.

[Meanwhile, Ginny is putting things in Harry's mouth and getting down on her knees because Ginevra Molly Weasley has some moves, let me tell you.]

LUPIN [sniffing]: SOMETHING IS AFOOT!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
TONKS: MY MULLET SENSES IT AS WELL!

[And suddenly Bellatrix and Pedowolf are there but I guess they forgot to bring any Carrows or whatever and Harry bolts after her for great Sirius-killing justice and Bellatrix throws a circle of fire around the house so no one can go help him and Tonks and Lupin sort of dance around unsure of what to do, maybe we should try to go after him, I mean you know he is kind of the Chosen One and he gets a bit crazy over the whole Sirius thing, I don't know, my mullet is a bit concerned, well I don't know why it's concerned now, you weren't even watching him at the beginning of the movie like you were supposed to, look here, my screentime was given to Luna, you really can't blame me for that, and besides, fire is kind of hot and that is your nice jacket after all, I mean, werewolves don't bring in a lot of money, what are we going to do if you scorch it, yes but someone really ought to go out there and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S GINNY FUCKING WEASLEY!]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Ginny and Harry kind of cower in the Weasley cornswamp until the adults come save them. Then Bellatrix burns down the Weasleys' house.]

Back at Hogwarts

[The Weasleys are presumably homeless now and Hedwig is a bit charred, but it's all okay because Lavender's giving Won-Won a really ugly necklace.]

Dumbledore's Office

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, this is the false memory that you must retrieve the correct version of. I must warn you, however, that it is very disturbing, as Babyface Tom Riddle's voice is unexpectedly deep.

The Pensieve

BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Can you only mumble the mumble blah? I mean, wouldn't mumble whatsit be blibbity blah?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SLUGHORN: Blah? My GOD, Tom, they'll have to split the last blee into mumbledyblah at that rate! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!

All the Other Flashbacks Explaining Anything About Tom Riddle
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[These scenes have been cut for time.]

The Potions Classroom

HARRY: So, Professor Slughorn... if I were Tom Riddle and you were going to tell me how to be evil, what would you say?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: *facepalm*

Slughorn's Office

HARRY: HELP HELP it's a really long story but there was a girl but not the right girl and some chocolates but they were poisoned and they were for me but I didn't eat them and--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SLUGHORN: Oh, this Wembley of yours, his antics are delightful!

HARRY: HELP ME DAMMIT

SLUGHORN: Falling off the sofa, trying to molest me--

HARRY: ARRRGH

SLUGHORN: Look, he's foaming at the mouth! I've never seen anything funnier!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: *BEZOAR*

The Hospital Wing

RON: Unnnnghhhhh... Hermione... skin... so adequate...

LAVENDER: *DESPAIR*

SLUGHORN: ô_O
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SNAPE: (X^(

Parting, Such Sweet Sorrow, Etc.

RON: So... what exactly did I say to Lavender? And why was she outside Gryffindor Tower last night holding a radio over her head?

Shootout at the Lavatory Corral

[Convinced that Draco cursed Katie Bell--well, I mean... even moreso than he was convinced before?--Harry follows him to a lavatory where he catches Draco ~~weeping like a toddler~~ BEING SENSITIVE, OKAY and they start fighting so, so dirty in such a clean, clean place. ~~Unf.~~

HARRY: SPELL I'VE NEVER USED BEFORE!

DRACO: <~BLOODGUSH~>

HARRY: ... oh shit.

[Snape tenderly uses his wand to nurse Draco back to health, and a thousand hurt-comfort fics spontaneously spring into being.]

The Room of Requirement

GINNY: Okay, this book is BAD TOUCH and DO NOT WANT. We have to get rid of it.

HARRY: Hey, is that a diadem up there?

GINNY: NO. However, if you would be interested in some good touch...

Fifteen Very, Very Slooooow Minutes Later

HARRY: THAT'S IT? HIDE AND SEEK AND A TINY SMOOCH?

GINNY: *gives him a birthday IOU*

HARRY: ... ooh.

Luck Be a Liquid Tonight
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HERMIONE: So we have a plan, right? You're going to drink the Felix Felicis, track down Slughorn after dinner, and then...

Five Minutes Later
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: IT'S A GIANT SPIDER FUNERAL AND YOU'RE INVITED!!

Ten Minutes Later

SLUGHORN: Alas, Aragog, I... have no idea who he is, except that he's bloody huge and poaching his venom will make me a lot of money. Rest in peace, fair pincered one.

Eleven Minutes Later

HAGRID AND SLUGHORN [completely toasted]:

And Aragog the spider, they dug a big hole
In the forest he'd known as an egg
Crammed in like a big bristly profiterole
Then his pincer fell off, and his leeeeeeeeeeeg.

HARRY: *standing ovation*

Fifteen Minutes Later

HARRY: So if you don't tell us what really happened, my mother the fish will never come back! EVER!

SLUGHORN: *sobs*

Dumbledore's Office

HARRY: *VICTORY LAP*

The Pensieve

BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Can you only split the soul once? I mean, wouldn't seven plot points be a lot harder to track down?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SLUGHORN: Seven? My GOD, Tom, they'll have to split the last book into two movies at that rate!

BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: But could it be done?

SLUGHORN: Well, I mean, sure, but you'd have to kill a bunch of people and round up a whole lot of plot points--

BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Not to worry--I have a number of famous and/or personally meaningful objects I'm planning to use.

SLUGHORN: But... won't that make it easier for your enemies to guess what they are? Instead of using, I don't know--a rusty old key and a snail you found on the sidewalk?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Yes, but, you see, we're not going to show any of the flashbacks that tell you those objects are important.

SLUGHORN: ... your genius is terrifying.

DUMBLEDORE: My God--it's diabolical. Two movies! They will literally make twice as much money!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: Oh, a good bit more than that, I'd think, by the time you re-release the first one when the second one comes out, and then there's IMAX--

SNAPE: Excuse me, POTTER, I was hoping to have a cryptically bitchy conversation with the headmaster.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, please. No one's allowed to question my wisdom in this movie.

The Cave of JEWELRY DOOM

DUMBLEDORE: Now, Harry: I must ask you to give me your word that no matter what happens, you will do as I say. If I must cut my hand instead of yours, if you have to feed me poison until I gibber and scream for death, if I forget who I am and what the hell we're even doing here--you must do as I say. Except for the part where I ask you to actually kill me. You can probably skip that.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Harry obeys. The only problem is, by the time a thousand zombie Gollums show up to eat Harry, Dumbledore's a bit... out of it. Fortunately, he remembers his wizardness, or at least someone's wizardness, in time to whip up a firestorm and get them the hell out of there:]

DUMBLEDALF: YOUUUUU! SHALL NOT! PAAAAAASS!

HARRY: NO! SIR! WE REALLY, REALLY WANT TO PASS!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDALF: Really? We do?

HARRY: YES, REALLY!

The Part Where the Villain Talks Too Much (I)

[You know what would be fantastic? If Harry and Dumbledore got back to the Astronomy Tower and Draco chose right then to man up.]

DUMBLEDORE: No matter what happens, stay downstairs like a mouthbreather and do nothing.

HARRY: ...?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Exactly. S'up, Draco?

DRACO: I am here to kill you, Professor. Whenever I feel like it. Any moment now.

DUMBLEDORE: You are no assassin, Draco.

DRACO: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I CURSED KATIE BELL TO TAKE A NECKLACE THAT MIGHT EVENTUALLY GET TO YOU! I MADE SURE THAT MEAD THAT MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE GIVEN AWAY BY HORACE SLUGHORN WAS POISONED! I SPENT A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME SCREWING AROUND WITH CABINETS!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Draco... these actions are so convoluted and weak that I cannot help but feel that you are perhaps a bit of a pussy.

[Before Draco can actually get pissed off enough to do the deed, Bellatrix bounces in with Fenrir and some Carrows, kissing Draco on the ear because the Blacks keep it aaaaaall in the family. And then they all stand back and watch expectantly.]

DRACO: What the hell! I worked on fixing that cabinet ALL YEAR! Me, a MALFOY! Don't you have some kids to fight or something!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLATRIX: Oh, Draco... we just came along for moral support!

Snape Kills Dumbledore, Page 606, Totally True

SNAPE: Shhhhh.

HARRY: Oh, so you've got this one, then? Excellent, you go take care of that. I mean, I know I never trusted you, and you've always been kind of a bastard to me just for existing, and this is not even to speak of the part we left out where you're the reason my parents actually got killed, but it's good to know that when the chips are down--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SNAPE: AVADA KEDAVRA!

HARRY: WHAT

The Part Where the Villain Talks Too Much (II)

[Bellatrix takes her sweet-ass time kicking over the dinner plates and busting up the windows and skipping through the woods and dancing around Hagrid's flaming hut while Draco, Fenrir, and some Carrows stroll on down the hill.]

HARRY: YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH!!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SNAPE: Are all Carrows present and accounted for!

HARRY: HE TRUSTED YOUUUUU!!

SNAPE: Bellatrix, if you really don't mind, we need to step lively here--

HARRY: SOMEWHAT INEXPLICABLY I ALSO TRUSTED YOUUUUU!!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SNAPE: BELLATRIX, WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MARSHMALLOWS

HARRY: SECTUMSEMPRA!!

SNAPE: Bitch, please.

HARRY: ARRRRGH

SNAPE: *eyeroll*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: *FALLS DOWN*

SNAPE: Look, do you mind? Yes, I am the Half-Blood Prince, and I just killed my only friend and I've got my hands full here with Prince Valiant and the pedowolf and however many Carrows we're up to now--BELLA! I said LET'S ROLL!

The Part That's Really Sad
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Harry weeps over Dumbledore's lifeless body, Ginny holds him, and McGonagall leads the students in throwing up their ~~lighters~~ wands to dispel the Dark Mark. This is either a heartbreaking tribute or the worst outdoor concert ever.]

The Part Where Dumbledore Usually Explains It All

MCGONAGALL: But Harry, what about the "half" and the "blood" and the "prince"? No one ever said what that means!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: *THE HAND*

The Astronomy Tower, Post Mortem

HARRY: So Snape killed Dumbledore, I stood there and watched, the locket is fake, I don't know who has it, and it was all for nothing.

RON: Well, we could go back and check the rest of the movie for blatant references to seemingly random people--

NO ONE: *listens to Ron*

HERMIONE: lol don't snog Ginny too much k?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY: WOMAN! DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD! I HAVE TO LEAVE MY ONLY HOME AND WANDER THE WORLD TO FIND THE OTHER HORCRUXES! FOCUS!

All the Flashbacks That Give Harry Any Idea of Where He Should Go or What He Should Do

[Sing it if you know the words.]

Fin.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Please do not repost this text without permission or credit. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.

Final reminder

cleolinda — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:22:34 GMT

Final reminder: the auction for the Eowyn doll and M15M book ends tonight.

To recap, I won two different Toy Biz Eowyns on eBay a few years ago but I only wanted one, and here I am six years later actually selling off the spare, which is the one in the unopened box (mine is posed purely as a visual aid). You can read about the continuing adventures of my Eowyn in The Secret Life of Dolls--we had more posts than usual this week due to a special storyline, in which Iorek the Webkinz got the panser back in his bjørn with new skyfoil armor; the Faramirs had a marathon Twilight reading session; and we had A Very Special Valentine's Day. Please note, though, that the doll for sale DOES NOT come with a starry mantle. I just folded an $8 scarf three or four times, no sewing, so if you want one for your Eowyn (or any other doll), the same scarf is available here.

The book, meanwhile, is one of the original hardcovers the publisher sent to me when the book was first released. This is the book, by the way, with all the movies that were never posted online:

Jurassic Park in Fifteen Minutes
Braveheart in Fifteen Minutes
Independence Day in Fifteen Minutes
Gladiator in Fifteen Minutes
Titanic in Fifteen Minutes
The Matrix in Fifteen Minutes
Attack of the Clones in Fifteen Minutes
Spider-Man in Fifteen Minutes
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Lord of the Rings in Fifteen Minutes

... the last of which is the connection to the doll. You can still buy the paperback pretty cheap (the text is the same, even if the cover isn't), but the hardcover seems to be getting a bit scarce. Anyway, I'll sign it to whomever the buyer wants. Happy bidding, and I hope (the other) Eowyn goes to a good home.

Book and doll auction

cleolinda — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:29:53 GMT

Okay, the bidding is already kind of insane but I wanted to mention this to let everyone have a fair shot at it:

If you read "The Secret Life of Dolls" on my regular journal, that's my Eowyn in the picture. An identical Eowyn, the one in the never-opened box, is the one you would be bidding on (more pictures here), as well as a hardcover copy of the Movies in Fifteen Minutes book. The listing title says it's a signed book, but it isn't yet; I'll personalize it to whomever wins.

(Please don't drive the bidding up just for the hell of it, because someone's going to end up paying actual money for this. It's a seven-day auction so people can have time to decide if they want to bid, so, you know, everyone be cool and I'll put up another reminder on Sunday, no big.)

And as for the book itself--Cleolinda Industries is under new management now, so to speak, and we're going to be shopping the North American rights around, probably starting a week or two from now. So we will get it out here eventually, and you can still buy the paperback overseas. (The title and cover are different, but it's still the same book. I only have one book published, and Movies in Fifteen Minutes is it, so if it's got my name on it, it's the same book.)

Unrelated P.S.: Coraline was fantastic. I definitely recommend it.

Icons, announcements

cleolinda — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 13:58:44 GMT

Okay, a couple of things:

1. People have started asking if they can perform and tape "Twilight in Fifteen Minutes." I've gotten several requests like this with POTO and various Harry Potters, and you know what? As long as you don't find some way to turn a profit, I say go for it. Here's the one thing I need you to do: due to a really, really weird incident earlier this year, in which a POTO/15M video on YouTube did not visibly credit me as the writer (a girl claimed her cousin was the writer instead, and the cousin had sold her the "rights" to the script--that is, my work--and so she was posting it under her own name on fanfiction.net, and... look, it got really weird), I'm going to need you to put my name on whatever it is. "Written by Cleolinda Jones," "Adapted from [Whichever movie] in Fifteen Minutes by Cleolinda Jones," just something like that. Up front, at the beginning of the video, in writing (on a placard or program if it's a live performance, I don't know), and in the text description on the page where the video is hosted (YouTube, for example), with a link back to the original parody if possible. I mean, obviously, credit yourselves as actors as well. I just need it to be abundantly clear that the writing is mine. I hate to be so anal about it, but not my name not being on something caused so much trouble that I have to ask this of y'all in order to feel comfortable letting people do it at all.

2. Second batch of icons. I had to use some fuzzy-ass screencaps at times--the best I could get hold of--but I feel like the shotgun icon turned out really, really well.

first folder ----> <---- second folder

Again, take and use whatever you want. And if you make any, let me know and I'll link them for people to go look at.

Announcements and general housekeeping

cleolinda — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:36:13 GMT

1. If you've ever wanted to hear my voice, I'm on a new Made of Fail podcast discussing Twilight (and a few other things; I really liked the discussion of how the music industry is shifting from radio airplay to internet downloads).

(Audio samples: In which I admit that I am, in fact, a "Twilight blogger" [1:02]; Angel wings and glaucoma [1:40].)

I've been on a couple other podcasts as well in the last few months--here's the previous Made of Fail I was on in which we play a rousing game of Horrify the Twilight Noob, and the Poufwa Exchange podcast where we discuss Twilight, Harry Potter, and the Lexicon lawsuit (Poufwa audio samples: "I think he did a lot of reading, maybe he scrapbooked it afterwards"; "You are my life now." My voice is actually a bit lower compared to Rinna and Chi's, so that's which one I am there).

2. "Unexpected [blah] is unexpected!" is sort of an internet lolcat-ish meme that doesn't originate with me (I can't remember where it comes from); I've also used it in both Midnight Sun and True Blood recaps before.

(Speaking of True Blood--and yes, I am hugely behind on the recaps, I'm going to catch up on them--recap #3 featured something of an extended Twilight crossover. "He steps aside so that Edward can come in, and as he closes the door, you can hear a faint 'Let me show you my scrapbook, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Stalkers"....' drifting down the hall...")

3. I saw the movie again (what? My mother wanted to go!) and caught "the word I have never heard in my vampire-loving life"--apotamkin--and added a link in the appropriate section of the parody. Turns out it's a legitimate legend. Who knew?

4. One thing I really wish I had remembered to mention in the Fifteen Minutes is the ~~lolarious~~ little old-school vampire movie-inspired fantasy Bella has while she is, in fact, googling "apotamkin"; if you'd like to see screencaps of it, I have a few here. Maybe it's for the best that I forgot, because I'm not sure words can truly do it justice.

5. Okay, first set of icons. There are a lot of images available, and I have also managed to acquire a large number of (very fuzzy) screencaps, so there will probably be an equally large second batch. There's only a couple of Arial icons (rather than Silkscreen font), but I'll probably go back and do additional Arial versions of a few, if only because icon-making is really relaxing. (Maybe I'm just weird?)

Click to browse the folder

Anyway. Poke around, browse the folder, feel free to take anything there you want; make your own and bring me a link, I'll post it. Good times.

6. Oh, and by the way: I didn't make up the "this is the skin of a killer" line. That's actually in the movie. No, I mean it. NO, I SWEAR.

Twilight in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 05:19:00 GMT

Before we get started:

1) Other Twilight entries on my cleolinda journal (they tended to get more detailed over the course of the summer): Twilight discussion; New Moon and Eclipse commentaries; Breaking Dawn recap; Midnight Sun recap; final trailer rundown; discussion when I came home from the movie.

2) I also know people are about to inundate me with recs, so let me give you my favorite Twilight links up front and save you the trouble:

Growing Up Cullen
shinga's comic
mspaint_lolz (1) (2)
More comics
The MSN Movies "Lost Script"
28 Reasons That ‘Twilight’ the Movie Is Better Than ‘Twilight’ the Book
4300+ troll comments to a USAWeekend poll (best ones discussed here)

People have already sent me links to almost everything else out there, but those are my favorites.

(I swear I'm doing a Watchmen primer after this just to prove that I can talk about something else.)

ANYWAY. I had a lot of anxiety over how to write this, so I just tried to keep it light and loose. This is also kind of the Illustrated Twilight in Fifteen Minutes, because I'm not sure you would believe me otherwise.

Forks, Washington

[Bella Swan is a clumsy, bookish seventeen-year-old girl who lives in Phoenix until her mother marries a younger baseball player and wanted to go on the road with him, so Bella decides to move back up to the middle of rainy nowhere with her dad Charlie, the Forks chief of police, with whom she actually seems to have a relationship in the movie. Already I am disconcerted because Bella is 500% less whiny and passive-aggressive about it all than she is in the book.]

BELLA: We're gonna be all right, pet cactus. We're gonna be all right.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
PET CACTUS: ...

Hey, It's Bella's Broke-Ass Truck!

CHARLIE: Surprise! I bought my best friend's broke-ass truck for you!

BELLA: Wow, I somehow love it! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Dad's friend Billy!

BILLY: Oh, and I thought I'd bring my son Jacob over early in the movie, you know, before you meet CREEPY BOYS.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
JACOB: DAAAAAAAD!

Forks High

[So Bella goes to school and the kids immediately seize on her newcomerness, all "Sweet ride!" and "S'up, Arizona!," but they're really charming in a doofy way and some of them are actually not white, if you can believe it. ROLL CALL! Jessica, the bitchy one! Angela, the sweet one! Eric, the goofy Asian kid who wants to go out with Bella! Mike, the goofy white kid who wants to go out with Bella! Tyler, the goofy black kid who drives a van (and also wants to go out with Bella)! Bella's kind of overwhelmed by all the attention but mostly she deals with it and actually learns people's names and it's kind of blowing my mind. WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH BELLA SWAN?]

The Lunchroom of Destiny

[So Bella actually makes friends and if she bitches about them at least we don't hear it. And then the Cullen "foster kids" slooooo-mooooo in, not eating and not talking to anyone else and totally coupled up together all wearing their Very Very Special Cullen Crest Heraldic Jewelry. No wonder everyone at school hates them. ~*ROLL CALL!*~ Rosalie, the bitchy blonde! Emmett, the meathead jock! Alice, who twirls! Jasper, who looks pained!]

[And then... enter Edward.]

EDWARD: *Jaaaaaaames Deaaaaaaans*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
MIKE: Hey Bella, you want me to walk with you to biology?

BELLA: I'm sorry, you exist?

Biology Class

[There's only one seat open and guess whose table it's at. NO, GUESS. Edward's even sitting in front of a taxidermy owl so it looks like he has wings sprouting from his shoulders. You know. Because he is an angel marble cupcake Adonis. And then he gets a whiff of Bella's outrageous flavor, clutches his nose, and spends the entirety of biology looking like he's going to hurl.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: I... I have no self-esteem now.

Somewhere That Wasn't in the Book

[Hey, there are bad vampires and they eat people.]

Charlie's Favorite Diner

[Bella's attempt at stewing over Edward's prolonged, inexplicably jerkassy absence from school is interrupted by half the townsfolk reminiscing about their favorite Bella memories:]

SOME GUY: Look, it's little Isabella Swan!

SOME WAITRESS: Here's that cobbler you loved in fifth grade!

SOME WEIRD FRIEND OF CHARLIE'S: HEY BELLA REMEMBER ME PLAYING SANTA CLAUS?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Um, WHEN SHE WAS FOUR?

Hey, Look Who Deigned to Show Up for Biology!

EDWARD: Hello. Please... allow me to introduce... myself. I am... Edward Cullen.

BELLA: Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?

EDWARD: I had to... go. Somewhere. For reasons totally unrelated to wanting to kill you.

BELLA: Did you get contacts while you were somewhere? Last week your eyes were black, and this week they are golden melted topaz butterscotch.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: *stares, turns around, leaves*

BELLA: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!

Forks High, Parking Lot

[Edward is totally not stalking Bella from across the icy parking lot, no, why do you ask WHEN SUDDENLY HERE COMES TYLER'S DEATH VAN OMG and it is careening at Bella crushwards and suddenly Edward is THERE and he throws her down (unf) and he stops the speeding van with his BARE HAND and then he DAZZLES HER.]

[And then he hops a fence and runs away. Slick.]

St. Forkswhere Hospital

[The doctor attending Bella is really ~~hot~~ young. And he has weirdly blond hair. And melted topaz butterscotch OH HEYYYYYYYY.]

BELLA: It's a good thing Edward was able to leap across the parking lot to save me, wasn't it, Dr. Cullen?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
CARLISLE: It's a good thing you hit your head and no one will believe you, isn't it?

[He smiles so pretty when he's lying.]

[So Bella's leaving the hospital and she comes across Dr. Cullen and Edward and Rosalie having a not-very-secret pow-wow:]

ROSALIE: FUCK YOU, EDWARD! NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN!

CARLISLE: Now, Rosalie, have some compassion...

[So Edward goes to smooth things over with Bella, because he is so good at that.]

EDWARD: What? I was totally standing next to you the whole time.

BELLA: NO YOU WEREN'T BECAUSE YOU NEVER STAND NEXT TO ME SO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OR WHAT?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NO, BECAUSE--NO!

CARLISLE: *facepalm*

Some Field Trip

[To... a greenhouse, to learn about... compost? Hey, you guys wanna come visit my recycling bin next time?]

EDWARD: So... I wanted to apologize for being rude but not for the rudeness of being rude about not being rude, which I am being right now.

BELLA: ...?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: In conclusion, we can't be friends, KTHNXBAI.

BELLA: ...!

[Outside, Bella tries to approach Edward again while everyone's piling onto the buses. Jasper looks pained, but Alice is all excited:]

ALICE: Hi, Bella! I love--

EDWARD: SHUT IT, ALICE

BELLA: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE FROM SMUSH?

EDWARD: Do you honestly think I'm sorry I saved you from the Death Van? How could you think such a thing? NO YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH?!

Epic Romance in the Lunchroom

[After toying with The Hackysack Apple of I See What You Did There, Edward gets to the point, which is not that he doesn't want to be friends, but...]

EDWARD: What if I'm not a superhero? What if... I'm the bad guy?

BELLA: ... Hot.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: *headtray*

Rock Me, Sexy Vampire

[Meanwhile, Shirtless James and the other two Bad Vamps show up and Charlie's weird friend gets dead. Also, James has no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.]

The Beach, La Push Reservation

[Angela, who is my favorite character after Alice (who is awesome), and Bella are huddled together for warmth while all the other kids go, like, ice-surfing or something.]

ANGELA: I really want to go to the prom with Eric--

BELLA: Not Ben?

ANGELA: Ben? No one named Ben goes to this school. Anyway: ERIC. I want to go with him but he will never ask me, woe.

BELLA: You should ask him yourself! You are a strong, independent woman. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[I'm sorry, what? Did Bella Swan just ~~call herself independent~~ bond with one of the mundanes? Wonders will never cease.]

[And then Jacob shows up with his as-yet-unfursploded posse, who are all like, did you bring any Cullens? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T COME HERE.]

BELLA: Wait, what?

JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: o_O

Casa de Swan

[So Bella goes home and hits Google and comes up with, like, http:// quileutelegends.com/coldones/vampires_duh.html. She resolves to go to some bookstore in Port Angeles and pick up a book that is relevant to her interests, because apparently Amazon doesn't deliver to Forks.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen, although for some reason I chose to imagine him lurking in the corner of my room like a complete psychopath.

[Honey, that's what you think.]

Some Dress Shop in Port Angeles

[Angela and Jessica try on prom dresses while Bella sits in the window, not even pretending to pay attention to them.]

JESSICA: So--boobtastic, or just boobalicious?

BELLA: Look, so, I don't actually care about either of you two so I'm gonna go scope some plot-important bookstores now.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[Ah, this is the Bella I know.]

The Mean Streets of Port Angeles

[After she buys her book--Everything You Wanted to Know About Quileute Legends But Didn't Want to Ask the Werewolf Kid--Bella manages to get cornered by the one gang of roving lowlifes in a small tourist town BUT SUDDENLY Edward swoops in, grabs Bella and charges them with The Vampire Volvo of Great Justice and all the lowlifes are like DAMN THAT HIGH-SCHOOL KID IS HARDCORE. Heigh ho Volvo, away!]

La Hipster Italia

[Look, don't even ask me what's up with the waitress's hair, I don't know.]

EDWARD: I FEEL VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: That's hot.

[That sound you hear is me facepalming.]

EDWARD: So I was stalking you around town but I lost you and then I heard their terrible awful killing-you thoughts and--

BELLA: Wait, you what?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: ... Shit.

[So Edward spills his guts about how he can read everyone's mind except Bella's. On the upside, he manages to keep his mouth shut about the whole vampire thing, which is more than he's able to do in the book.]

Wait, Something's Happening? What?

BELLA: Wait, what's going on at the police station?

EDWARD: Wait, why is my not-dad there?

CARLISLE: Bella, I'm so sorry... your father's weird friend was killed by a feral plot point.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: I didn't even know we had those in this movie!

CARLISLE [significant look ]: I know. They're very rare in Forks.

EDWARD [mind-reading ]: D:<

Casa de Swan

[So Bella goes home with her dad from the police station instead of with Edward and reads up on Quileute legends and how the Cold Ones are actually called some word I've never seen before in my vampire-loving life and they exist all over the world but particularly in the middle of rainy nowhere and you will know them by their speed and their strength and their cold white marble skin and their butterscotch eyes and their inability to talk to girls.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: OMFG.

Forks High, The Next Morning
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: You. Me. Forest. NOW.

The Forest of Imminent Revelation

[The jig, she is up. Bella casts all the evidence back in his face. There is no turning back.]

EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: ASSHOLE

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE

EDWARD: ARE YOU AFRAID?

BELLA: NO

EDWARD: Wait, what?

[Edward drags her by the arm through the woods, like, what, you couldn't get a good enough grip on her hair or something? Damn. Then he zooms her up the mountain on a forcible piggyback ride and storms off into a single ~~spotlight~~ sunbeam in an epic snit over what a monster he is, he must SHOW HER the HORROR OF HIS BEING, a TERRIBLE SECRET accompanied by the SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINDCHIMES:]

EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.
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BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: Oh, so it's a drugstore brand?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!

BELLA: FINE. WHATEVER. But the lipstick, that's gotta be Cargo, right?

EDWARD: *FLOUNCE*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[Over in some other clearing he starts pitching a grand mal hissy, throwing trees and shit around because can't she see, he is THE WORLD'S SPARKLIEST PREDATOR, but Bella doesn't care, SHE DOESN'T CAAAAARE, and Edward has to jump into a tree to get away from her because he might LOSE CONTROL, okay, he must NEVER LOSE CONTROL and it is REALLY REALLY HARD, okay? And Bella's all like, really? How hard? and she goes climbing up into the tree after him, like, DAMN, GIRL! GO GET A PIECE OF THAT! and finally he's like, the combined force of your flavor and your crazy overpowers me, I must know what are you thinking, and she's like, I AM THINKING THAT I LOVE YOU and because the ankle-tattoo people insisted on it, the following exchange is finally committed to celluloid (I am not making this up):]

EDWARD: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

BELLA: Stupid lamb.

EDWARD: Sick, masochistic lion.

[I don't remember exactly what happens next because I fell over dead at this point.]

The Meadow of ~*Great Sparkle*~

[And then they lie down, slowly, tenderly, among the flowers in his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow) and stare at each other, not touching, softly arguing who's prettier.]

[Congratulations, Catherine Hardwicke: you have invented the sexless sex scene.]

The Morning After

[So the next morning Edward picks Bella up in The Vampire Volvo and pimps on in to school like a total mack and everyone's like WHOA THAT WEIRD CULLEN KID ACTUALLY GOT LAID? and he's all like, no, I sparkled for A GIRL!]

Chez Sparklepire

[Let's go meet the family! Edward's not-dad Carlisle and not-mom Esme and the "kids" are cheerfully gathered in their unused kitchen cooking Italian for Bella through the tutelage of the Food Network--]

EMMETT: YO BELLA WE MADE YOU FOODS
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[--and Alice is all like hi Bella you smell good I love you can we play dress-up now? Jasper looks pained, and that's before they find out that Bella already ate:]

ROSALIE [*BOWLSMASH FOOTSTAMP *]: I HAVE BEEN SLAVING AWAY OVER A HOT STOVE ALL DAY SO I COULD WATCH THIS STUPID BITCH EAT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HUMAN, EDWARD! FUCK YOU AND THE VOLVO YOU RODE IN ON!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: So... we're gonna go somewhere else now.

Edward's Room

BELLA: You don't have a bed?

EDWARD: NO, YOU BRAZEN HUSSY.

TWILIGHT FANS: ZOMG HIS COUCH IS NOT BLACK AND BELLA IS NOT WEARING A BLUE V-NECK AND--
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
HARRY POTTER FANS: *FLAMETHROWER*

[Oh, look! Edward has ~~Muse~~ ~~Linkin Park~~ Debussy in his CD player! Bella loves Debussy! Let's dance!]

BELLA: Um, I'm not so much with the coordination and the--

EDWARD: I SAID, LET'S DANCE.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[And then Mr. Flying Squirrel jumps out the window and takes her barfing across the scenic Pacific Northwest. Or maybe that was just me and my fear of heights.]

[Oh, I didn't even tell you about the '80s music-video timewarp the Cullens have upstairs where Edward plays the music he wrote for Bella.]

People Other Than Edward and Bella Doing Things

[Charlie's out in the woods with a pack of bloodhounds and the rest of the police, at which point they see a footprint and realize that it is a human plot point zomg.]

Bella's Room

[Bella's mom takes two minutes out from following her husband around like a lovesick puppy to call Bella goodnight and ask if she likes nasty rainy Forks and--she does? How is that possible! There must be boys, tell her all about it, are they cute or smart or undead? UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED BYE MOM GOTTA GO.]

BELLA: Uh... how'd you get in?
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EDWARD: Through the window. I do that a lot. I oiled it so it wouldn't make any noise. I've been standing in the corner of your room for two months now, watching you sleep every single night. You should really get a rocking chair in here, you know, I get bored just lurking there.

BELLA: ...

EDWARD: So can I kiss you already or what?

[So Edward's all like, "Don't move, no, seriously, I mean it, DON'T MOVE" but after they rub noses for like fifteen minutes Bella pretty much jumps him and we discover that she is wearing, not unreasonably, a t-shirt and underwear in bed. Edward LOSES CONTROL OMG and flings himself back against the wall:]

EDWARD: PREMARITAL UNDERPANTS ARE NOT OKAY!
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BELLA: Premarital snuggling?

EDWARD: ... I will consider it.

[So they lay in Bella's bed and talk all night about her favorite colors and her first goldfish and which Jonas Brother she's most compatible with. There is totally premarital snuggling. Edward, you hoor.]

Casa de Swan

BELLA: Char--Dad, my new boyfriend has come to call and he respectfully requests an audience with the man of the house before we go play baseball.

CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
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BELLA: Daaaad! Bullets won't even hurt him!

CHARLIE: What?

BELLA: GOTTA GO!

Vampire Baseball

[No, really. NO, REALLY.]

[The Cullens split into two teams and they're all wearing very official uniforms ~~that Edward probably sewed for them~~, except they're all blue and white, so they're... kind of pointless. Alice does this expert flamingo leg-kick every time she pitches, because she is awesome. In fact, the whole thing is kind of awesome in an I-can't-believe-I'm-watching-this way.]

The Part Where the Plot Shows Up

[The Bad Vamps--Laurent (who has taken over the non-shirtwearing duties), Victoria (who has fantastic hair), and James (what is it with vampires and ponytails, anyway?)--roll in.]

CARLISLE: So... you guys are terrible at not freaking the mundanes, you know that?

LAURENT: Yeah, sorry about that. Play ball?

[All the Cullens nervously shuffle in front of Bella, hoping that the Bad Vamps don't notice her. TOO LATE.]

JAMES: YOU BROUGHT A SNACK.

[I really can't think of anything better than the actual line, sorry.]

EDWARD: *DRAMATIC PRAIRIE DOG*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
THE BAD VAMPS: : [

THE CULLENS: >: [

[And then a Jets-and-Sharks rumble breaks out.]

LAURENT: Look, you dig humans, I don't judge. Let's go, guys.

JAMES: Yeah. That sounds good. We're just gonna go now. You know. Not hunt down and kill your pet at all. Have a nice eternity!

THE CULLENS: ...
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE: I psychically sense that we are screwed.

Laurent Stops By Chez Sparklepire to Help

LAURENT: So he's a tracker and he's really good and he'll never stop until she's dead. Peace out.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
THE CULLENS: D:

A Very Cunning Plan

[Edward wants Rosalie to wear Bella's coat and leave a fake trail in the woods for James to follow. Rosalie, who is throwing a weapons-grade sulk, is having none of it.]
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EMMETT: Babe, you gotta do it!

ROSALIE: What's in it for me?

EMMETT: Wardo not whining for the rest of forever?
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ROSALIE: *does it*

Casa de Swan

[Bella has to stop by her house to pack a bag and convince her father (and James, who is watching) that she's running away:]

BELLA: I don't want to hurt my dad!

EDWARD: You have to! It's part of my very cunning plan!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: FORKS SUCKS AND YOU SUCK AND THAT'S WHY MOM LEFT YOU!

EDWARD: OKAY, DAMN.

A Lover's Desperate Farewell
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EDWARD: You are my life now, SO DON'T GET DEAD, OKAY?

Some Hotel in Phoenix

[Alice is speed-sketching her visions of the future, and Bella recognizes the drawing as a ballet studio where she took lessons as a kid.]

[Wait, Bella Adoraklutz Swan took ballet? ]

JASPER: Isn't that... kind of girly for a final showdown?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE: Look, I'm just telling you what's coming in over the wire.

JASPER: *looks pained*

ALICE: Wait! Wait! Breaking news! I psychically sense that James is on to our cunning plan!

Some Forest in the Pacific Northwest

EDWARD: I telepathically sense that Alice senses that James is on to our cunning plan!
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ROSALIE: *BITCHSMACK*

Some Hotel in Phoenix

JASPER: Hey, do you psychically sense Bella leaving the hotel? Like, because James called her phone and said he was holding her mother hostage? And he'd kill us all if she didn't go quietly?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE: No, why?

JASPER: *looks pained*

Ballet Studio OF DOOM

[James has lured Bella away from her protectors with recordings of her mother's voice; Bella's mother isn't even on that side of the country. Cunning plans: you're... doing it pretty well, actually. He chose the studio with its wall-to-wall mirrorage because he wanted a striking set for the little snuff film he's going to send to Edward after he's killed Bella. But it's okay! He's just gonna sit there and monologue at her for a while, Edward will show up before anything really happens to her, right?]

JAMES: *FIBULA TWIGSNAP*
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BELLA: I DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE ANYMOOOOOOOORE!

[So James throws Bella around some more and a big shard of mirror stabs her in the leg and she's bleeding everywhere and he bites her arm which means that venom is now burning through her veins and she will either have to become a vampire or die, I guess, so that kind of UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED! THANKS FOR JOINING US, TWINKLETOES. So the boys throw each other around the studio and trash-talk each other very melodramatically and there's some aerial slapfighting AND THEN the other Cullens arrive to dance and kick ass, and they are ALL OUT OF CHOREOGRAPHY:]

[Finally Edward gets James by the throat and RIPS IT OFF AND SPITS IT OUT, DAMN, about to score a fatality when--]

CARLISLE: No, Edward! You're better than this!
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EDWARD: You're right, Carlisle, I--

CARLISLE: But your not-brothers aren't. Have at it, boys!

[Jasper and Emmett build a floorboard fire and then Alice jumps up on James's face and twists his head off like a bottlecap. Because she is awesome.]

BELLA: OW IT HURTS THE BURNING OMG

[The boys tear James to pieces and are dancing around singing campfire songs by the time Alice ambles on over.]
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ALICE [offering stick ]: Marshmallow? The wiener isn't done yet.

CARLISLE: Alice! Help me tie off this tourniquet!

ALICE: I don't think that's going to help--I think he, like, bit her, and stuff.

BELLA: NARRRRRRGHHHH!

EDWARD: NO!

CARLISLE: We probably better do something about that.

BELLA: RRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHHHHH!

ALICE [chewing]: We could just let her be a vampire, I guess.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NOOOOO!

CARLISLE: Well, I guess there's something else we could do to get the vampire firepain venom out. I mean, eventually.

BELLA: ASDLKFJSDLKFJASDLKFJKJKJG;;;;

CARLISLE: But it will mean--you will have to--there will be--

EDWARD: NO!

CARLISLE: Premarital sucking.
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EDWARD: BUT IT IS SO HARD!

Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes

BELLA: So then I died. But I died from vampire metaphor-sex, so that was pretty cool.

Cover Story Memorial Hospital, Phoenix

BELLA: What... what happened?

BELLA'S MOM: Well, you ran away from home and that nice Cullen family went after you but then you fell down two flights of stairs in the hotel. And through a window. A closed window. Now, how the piano and the anvil fell on you after that, I don't know. Look! That pretty Cullen boy has been watching you sleep the whole time!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: Yeah... he does that.

[Exit Bella's mother to go squee-text at her new husband some more.]

BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! You got over it being hard!

EDWARD: After I nearly got you killed! Bella, we can't be together--if it's not me trying to slurp your freesia-scented tastyblood, it's always going to be someone else--

BELLA: NO! NO! NO NO NO DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU CAN'T EVER LEAVE ME AND WE CAN'T EVER BE APART, SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE LEAVING FOR MY OWN GOOD AND RUN OFF TO SOUTH AMERICA I'LL JUMP OFF A CLIFF ON A WEREWOLF MOTORCYCLE, I SWEAR TO--
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EDWARD: OKAY, OKAY, I WON'T, GOD!

Prom Night, Casa de Swan

EDWARD: So... waiting on Bella. With her dad. Who thinks I'm the reason she ran away from home. Awkward.

CHARLIE: YOU WANNA HELP ME CLEAN MY SHOTGUN?
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EDWARD: NO, I'M OKAY, THANKS.

The Prom, Which Has a... James Bond Theme?

[That is some amazing synergy right there.]

JACOB: Hey Bella! Um... so... my dad paid me to crash the prom to tell you to stop going out with Edward. Look, I'm not supposed to know what's going on until the second book, I don't know what to say.

EDWARD: *IMMINENT CHIVALRY SMASH*

JACOB: *LUPINE BITCHFACE*
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BELLA: Look, if either of you mark your territory while I'm wearing her dress, Alice will kill you both.

[So Edward escorts Bella inside and for a few moments they stare at the kids being goofy and playing games and dancing to that godless "rock" music and having fun.]

EDWARD: Um...

BELLA: ... Ew.

EDWARD: I KNOW!

Some Quaint Gazebo

[The other slow-dancing couples get the hell out because they can tell that some serious yearning is about to go down.]

BELLA: HEY HEY CAN I BE A VAMPIRE NOW?
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EDWARD: No!

BELLA: How about now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: *sulks*

EDWARD: Bella, can't a long happy life with me be enough?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: NOT IF I HAVE TO GET OOOOOOLD!

EDWARD: How about I throw in a growth-accelerated half-vampire mutant baby?

BELLA: ... We could make this work.

EDWARD: Attagirl.

[You know how on the ball this movie is? There's Victoria in the prom dress of some girl I guess she killed and ate (I mean, how else do you get a dress this close to prom night?) watching all tear-stained and vengeful. That's right: the plot of the second movie is already here. Which they greenlit on Saturday. Those of us you who saw the movie for the lulz? Turns out money don't know the difference. Oops.]

BELLA: Can we at least do the sex now?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NO!

Fin.

ETA: Hey guys? Seriously. Don't repost the whole thing on MySpace or Facebook or your favorite message board. Especially without my name on it. If you've gotten far enough to copypaste the whole thing, you've gotten far enough to realize that it's by cleolinda at this page on m15m.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Please do not repost this text without permission or credit. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.

Status report. Kind of?

cleolinda — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 23:55:00 GMT

So, um... hey guys. Nothing new on the Fifteen Minutes front at the moment, but I'd gotten a couple of questions about it, so I thought I'd answer those. Also, I do a lot of writing over at my personal journal (cleolinda, obviously), so I wanted to update you on that.

What will the next Movies in Fifteen Minutes be? Well, my answer is always going to be "I don't know," because I find that saying I'll do something jinxes it. (Which is why I can't take requests or suggestions.) But I swear, since Wanted, the only two movies I've seen were The Dark Knight, which I really didn't feel comfortable working with at the time, due to the Heath Ledger issue, and Hamlet 2, which, being a comedy, isn't something I can do anyway. But a lot of people wanted to know if I'd do The Dark Knight, and the answer is... not at the moment. Maybe I'll get the DVD and enough time will have passed that it'll be easier to handle; I do have some notes. But I don't know.

As for which movie I'm pretty sure will get done in some capacity... keep reading.

Why don't you post more frequently? Well, you know? I post every day on my personal journal. Usually movie news linkspam; a few personal anecdotes, some commentary or recaps, i.e., Stuff That Is Intended to Be Funny (Whether It Succeeds or Not). And quite honestly, three parodies in a calendar year is pretty good over here, compared to my average output. I think of m15m as a special-occasion thing, so, you know... if you're wondering where I am, it's usually at cleolinda.

Will there be another book? I'm to the point where I feel like Fifteen Minutes(es?) work better as things I post here occasionally, for fun, the way I started doing it and the way I went back to doing. I'm glad I had the opportunity to do the book, and I'm grateful to have had that introduction to the publishing industry, but I feel at this rate like there's no way to do another and keep the content timely. I tried writing a draft for movies of 2005 and... well, here we still are.

What I always thought I'd be doing was writing fiction, so I'm trying to finish a novel right now that I've been working on for a few years. Victorian vampire steampunk. There you go. It'll be fun.

Will the book you did publish EVER COME OUT IN NORTH AMERICA, SERIOUSLY? At this point, I'm not seeing any movement on that front. When I do, I'll let you know.

(ETA: Sorry--here's where you can get it for now. If you see two different books, one called Cut!--that's the paperback version. They're both the same book.)

Okay, so what have you been posting? Well, What I Did on My Summer Vacation was write about the Twilight series. A lot. (Clarification: musings on Twilight, commentary on New Moon and Eclipse, full-on recapping for Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun.) Right now, the movie publicity is in the home stretch so we're watching the TOUR OF TERROR over at my journal. (Warning: If you love Twilight unironically and wholeheartedly... my coverage or commentary may not be to your taste.) After that, I started recapping True Blood, and while I'm behind on those again, I tend to catch up all at once, so... that should be forthcoming. Oh, and if you've ever wondered what my voice sounds like, I guested on a couple of podcasts a while back and posted two short story readings on Halloween. And then there's also The Secret Life of Dolls, which I post every now and then on a whim, but there's a number of them up now.

And yes, I decided the moment I saw the Twilight trailer in May that I would do it for m15m (or die trying). I don't know who I can con into taking me to see it, but if anything happens with that, "Twilight in Fifteen Minutes" should go up later this month.

Anything else? What's up with y'all?

Wanted icons

cleolinda — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 22:11:05 GMT

I almost forgot:

Click for m15m icons >>> <<< Click for Fox icons

Wanted in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 03:29:45 GMT

Hey, because it was there and it called to me. It's just about the only way I can write these days--just letting it happen.

Note: This is very much an R-rated movie, with the sex and the expletives and the shootings of people in the brain. The language in the recap, parody, whatever you want to call it, is going to reflect that (and trust me, this is the mild version). Also, Wanted is the kind of movie where half the charm of it is in the novelty of the visuals and some really funny surprises, so I'm... actually going to leave several good moments out. Believe me, there's plenty left over. Just--go see it. It's outrageous and stupid and funny and knows it, unlike some movies I could name COUGHTHEHAPPENINGCOUGH.

Very Serious Opening Text

A THOUSAND YEARS AGO

[What? I thought this was about Angelina Jolie shooting up hot cars and shit--]

AN ANCIENT SOCIETY OF WEAVERS

[Weavers? Seriously?]

BECAME ASSASSINS AND CALLED THEMSELVES... THE FRATERNITY.

[Weavers?]

Loserville, Population: Wesley

WESLEY: Hi. My name is Wesley Gibson, and I'm a pussy. I hate my job so much that I take pills for panic attacks and spend most of my day meebling at my ergonomic keyboard. I hate my bitchy girlfriend Cathy and I hate my jerkass best friend Barry, who is fucking her. Here, watch them go at it for a few minutes. And they know I know he's fucking her. And I know they know I know, and I'm still buying him condoms and energy drinks. That's what a pussy I am. And obviously my father already knew I was going to be a loser, because he walked out when I was seven days old.

Meanwhile, A Guy Who Is Obviously Wesley's Father

[There's this guy Mr. X at his high-rise office, and then these assassin dudes on top of the building across the street shoot his assistant through the bindi and Mr. X races down the hall of his building and jumps through the window glass and soars across the street to the other building and shoots all the construction assassins in the brain (including one where the bullet turns a frickin' corner and kills this guy Mr. X couldn't even see) except for this one dude, because Mr. X falls before he can reach the ledge except then he materializes right behind that guy and also shoots him in the brain, and then some guy named Cross calls Mr. X's cell phone and laughs at him for falling for decoys and shoots Mr. X in the brain himself from, like, ten miles away in the comfort of his own apartment, and my entire audience sat there going WHAT.]

Some Walgreen's

WESLEY: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my refill of AHHHH HOLY SHIT IT'S ANGELINA JOLIE.

[This is the role Angelina Jolie was born to play. She emerged from the womb already covered in tattoos and eyeliner for the express purpose of playing this character, who immediately entered my pantheon of Chicks I Want to Be Like When I Grow Up. Fox is the reason Angelina Jolie was put on this earth. Well, this and the global philanthropy.]

FOX: I knew your father.

WESLEY: Yeah, see, I doubt that, what with the walking out and the seven days old and--

FOX: Your father died yesterday on the rooftop of the Metropolitan Building. He was one of the greatest assassins who ever lived. And the man who killed him is right behind you.

THE PHARMACIST: So... that'll be $25.59...?

[And then a gunfight breaks out in the cereal aisle.]

Police Barricade, An Hour Later

SOME POLICE OFFICER: So, sir, can you describe what you saw?

SOME WITNESS: Yeah... there was this hot tattoo chick on the hood of this crazy hot car shooting at a Tastee Kibble truck behind them, and, like, I don't know who was driving it--the Terminator, maybe, because he was not gonna give up until they were thoroughly kibbled, but then the crazy hot car flipped over the barricade and rode away on top of a bus and the Kibbler escaped. Of course, you saw that part.

SOME POLICE OFFICER: What about the driver of the crazy hot car?

SOME WITNESS: I didn't see much of him. I just heard him screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOOOOOOOLY SHIIIIIIT WE'RE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE the whole time.

SOME POLICE OFFICER: [writing]: Description: pussy.

Some Warehouse or Something, Who Knows

[Normally this is the kind of warehouse where they store action scenes, or maybe menacing interrogations, but when Wesley wakes up, it's just Common with a gun to his head and Morgan Freeman telling him to shoot the wings off flies.]

WESLEY: Wha...?

SLOAN: You're not a neglected orphan in a dead-end job! You're a born assassin! You're the bestest assassin of all and you had a rich assassin father who loved you so much he didn't want you to be like him (but he still left you all his money) and also, your panic attacks are actually episodes of grand mal badassery where your heart beats four times faster than normal and produces so much adrenaline that you can slow down time.

WESLEY: Does this mean I get to go to Hogwarts now?

SLOAN: ... If I say yes, will you stop being a pussy?

Wesley's Cubicle

[Short answer: No. Wesley returns to his bitchy girlfriend and his jerkass best friend and his soul-killing job and his anxiety meds, and hides his father's gun in the toilet tank because he is not ready to be hardcore, although the realization that he really does have three million dollars in the bank cheers him up considerably. And then his hosebeast of a boss starts harshing his buzz, so Wesley just snaps:]

WESLEY: You know, I want to feel sorry for you and your Stapler of Terror and your jelly donut fetish and your Manic Panic hair, but I'm finding it really hard so maybe you should just SUCK. MY. THREE. MILLION. DOLLARRRRRRRS.

BARRY: Woo! You tell her, pussy!

[And then Wesley belts his best friend across the face with his ergonomic keyboard, and the keys that break off and fly towards the camera spell out F-U-C-K Y-O. The second U is one of Barry's teeth. I'm not even making this up.]

The Closest Anyone Will Come to Facing Legal Consequences

[Wesley walks away from his job and his apartment and his life. Outside his office, Some Newspaper with vague police sketches of Fox and Wesley from the drugstore shootout bears the headline WANTED ON CHARGES OF AWESOMENESS.]

FOX: I stole another hot car. Get in.

THE POLICE: *are never seen again*

Textile Factory #17

[Somewhat surprisingly, the assassins actually make textiles at the factory and punch in every day and sit around eating sandwiches on their lunch break.]

WESLEY: So, is Fox gonna teach me gun-fu in a magic dojo now or something? 'Cause I'm ready to learn stuff, I really wanna learn stuff, can you download it straight into my head? That would be totally awesome--

SLOAN: Actually, you're going to start a rigorous training regimen of getting your face bashed in six times a day.

Wesley's Rigorous Training Regimen

THE REPAIRMAN: I will beat the pussy out of you!

WESLEY: OW MY PRETTY FACE!

THE BUTCHER: I will teach you how to fight with knives!

WESLEY: OW MY SOFT UNDERBELLY!

FOX: I will show you how to run on top of trains and slide under tunnels without getting your skull crushed!

WESLEY: OW MY TENDER BRAINMEATS!

The Giant Scary Mechanical Looms of Death

FOX: Stop time and grab the shuttle, Neo.

WESLEY: HOLY SHIT I JUST GOT WEAVED!

The Recovery Room

[But that's okay, because a paraffin bath from The Exterminator (not The Repairman, ironically) will fix everything! Because wax, it--it--stimulates the white blood cells and--stuff, you know, and it makes everything heal in like half an hour. IT DOES TOO! LOOK, CANDLEBATHS FIX EVERYTHING AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS, OKAY?]

WESLEY [encased in wax ]: MMMMF! MMNNGHGHHFFFF!

THE EXTERMINATOR: You know, sometimes I like to feed nitropeanutbutterglycerin to rats and watch them blow up.

WESLEY: ... Mmmf?

Fox Gets Impatient

FOX: Bitch, you are wasting my time with your unmotivated suckage! Why are you here? WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WESLEY: I don't know! I don't know! I--I just wanted to be awesome! Please stop hitting me, I can feel it in my cerebellum now!

FOX: WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WESLEY [sobbing]: I don't know who I am!

Wesley's Textile Factory Dorm Room

[Apparently "I don't know who I am" is the right answer, because Sloan now reveals the truth about Wesley's accomodations:]

SLOAN: We assigned this room to you because it was your father's. All these books and guns and suits and photographs, they're not just here because we were too lazy to clean up. They belonged to him. And now they belong to you. So take all of his things and remake yourself in his image and discard the real you. Be your father instead. Because the person you really are? Sucks.

WESLEY: You know, you could have told me this a lot sooner and saved me, oh, about a hundred face-beatings.

SLOAN: Oh, like your candy ass didn't need it.

Shooting Lessons

[...now that Wesley actually cares about his training. Sides of beef, pig carcasses and dead people hang in front of the target, which makes accuracy a little bit hard.]

THE GUNSMITH: Okay. Shoot the bullseye.

WESLEY: Through the beef?

THE GUNSMITH: No, around the beef. We're much cooler than all the other movies we stole from, so when we shoot guns, it's more like throwing bullets.

WESLEY: If I make a joke about "gunslinging," will you hurt me?

FOX: *brassknuckles*

THE GUNSMITH: ...Yes.

[Sloan and Fox and the Gunsmith stand around and watch Wesley shoot beef for a while. Finally Fox stands in front of the target herself, and the power of his true lust omg teaches Wesley how to bend bullets.]

The Giant Magic Loom of Fate

[After a knife-fighting, Repairman-beating, train-jumping, shuttle-grabbing victory lap, Wesley learns What the Fraternity Is All About.]

SLOAN: I will show you the Loom Room once, and then you will never see it again. A thousand years ago, a secret fraternity of weavers invented a giant magic loom that weaves the names of Those Who Must Die in binary code. And we are the weapons of fate who interpret the magic weavings and carry out their orders.

WESLEY: Seriously?

SLOAN: Yes.

WESLEY: No, for real.

SLOAN: Yes.

WESLEY: And you want me to kill people, seriously, for real, because the Giant Magic Loom of Fate said so? In medieval binary?

SLOAN: Now you know why I never let anyone in here twice.

Wesley's First Job

[... is not to kill the man who killed his father. It's to ride on top of a train with Fox and shoot some guy through a fifth-story window. And of course Wesley punks out and can't do it, because he's Wesley.]

A Romantic Candlebath

WESLEY [covered in wax ]: So why, exactly, do you take orders from a magic loom?

FOX: Because we believe that if you kill one person, you can save a thousand.

WESLEY: But how do you know that person deserves it?

FOX: Let me tell you a story about a hardass federal judge who had a little girl.

[We see a flashback of a young girl with pillow lips and tiny little tattoos waiting at a window... with a knife to her back.]

FOX: One Christmas, a mobster wanted to send a message to the judge to go easier on criminals, so he hired a thug named Max Petridge to go to his house and burn the judge alive in front of his daughter and then brand the thug's initials on her with a red-hot wire hanger. When I became an assassin, I found out that Max Petridge was supposed to have been killed the week before by the Fraternity, but someone punked out and didn't pull the trigger. So I live by the code: Kill one. Save a thousand.

[In case that story was too subtle for you, we see initials MP branded into Fox's shoulder.]

WESLEY: You know, that seems like a really ineffective way to send a message to people. I mean, the judge can't be lenient now, he's crispy.

FOX: *bitchslap*

A Scene in Which I Merely Attempt to Transcribe the Awesomeness

[Having successfully finished his first job, Wesley goes on his second, which is to shoot Some Rich Guy in a bulletproof limousine who is dumb enough to keep the sunroof open so he can smoke his capitalist pig cigars, so Wesley ramps his car off Fox's and flips it over the limousine:]

WESLEY [upside-down]: HOOOOOOLYYYY SHIIIIIT YOU'RE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE!

THE KISS THAT MADE BRAD PITT JEALOUS OMG

[Trufax. After they finish that job, Wesley and Fox go back to his Loserville apartment to retrieve his father's gun. Barry is a little too happy to see him--]

BARRY: Wesley! You look good! Omg send help she's crazy--

WESLEY: Lick it up, bitch.

[--and his (their?) girlfriend starts shrieking about Wesley being a pussy and Barry being a big big man who satisfies her like whoa, in which case I have wonder why Cathy cares whether Wesley's fishing his personal belongings out of her toilet or not, when Fox decides to be a pal and give Wesley a little mouth-to-mouth to impress Cathy and emasculate Barry, which kind of doesn't work because Barry just becomes Wesley's #1 fan instead. And... that's it? Seriously? Brad Pitt's supposed to be jealous because Angelina Jolie slipped Mr. Tumnus a little tongue? I am starting to think that maybe tabloids don't always tell us the truth, you guys.]

WESLEY: Wow... it's a good thing that kiss was totally for real and not at all for show! I look forward to more in the future!

FOX: *friendly beatdown*

[And then Cross shows up in the alley outside and he and Wesley are both such good shots that their bullets just collide and they chase each other around a parking deck and then Wesley shoots the Exterminator by accident, and not even Fox or the Gunsmith have any idea how the Exterminator got there.]

Sloan's Office

WESLEY: This is the first traceable bullet Cross has used, and I've traced it to some bulletmaker in East Budafuck in a monastery! Cross is taunting me! Come on, let me go kill him!

FOX: I don't know that you're ready for this.

WESLEY: Look, I feel really bad about killing that guy who had no business being there!

SOME EXPLOSIVE RAT: *tear*

SLOAN: Fine, here's the Magic Loom kill order. Happy assassing!

Some Monastery, East Budafuck

[Pekwarsky the elderly bulletmaker is weaving quietly (of course he is), so Wesley tries to sneak up on him through the shadows of the looms all noir-like. Too bad Pekwarsky immediately gets the drop on him.]

WESLEY: I WANT CROSS!

PEKWARSKY: I have a gun in your face?

WESLEY: ... Please?

FOX: *stealth ninja gun-cocking*

PEKWARSKY: ... I can set up a meeting?

The Little Assassin Who Could

[Pekwarsky takes Wesley and Fox to a train station for the meeting. But no! It is a trap! Pekwarsky runs away, which makes Fox run after him, which leaves Wesley alone to spy Cross and follow him onto a train! Which was exactly what Cross and Pekwarsky planned! Fox hijacks a car and tries to catch up with the train! But Wesley and Cross are already shooting at each other ON A MOVING TRAIN while DUMBASS PASSENGERS KEEP GETTING IN THEIR WAY and their bullets do nothing but collide so Fox gets tired of this fuckwittery and DRIVES HER CAR INTO THE TRAIN, and then a conductor or someone decides to stop the train, STOP THE TRAIN, while it is passing over a GIANT BOTTOMLESS RAVINE AND THE TRAIN IS FALLING OFF THE BRIDGE AND SLAMMING INTO THE MOUNTAIN and Wesley is going to fall to his death but no! Cross reaches out and grabs his hand! Cross, his mortal enemy! So Wesley shoots him. Mmm, gratitude.]

CROSS [dying]: Wesley! Everything you know... is a lie!

WESLEY: STFU! PRESIDENT GOD WOULDN'T LIE TO ME!

CROSS: You are... my son.

WESLEY: YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER!

CROSS: Check... the... IMDB. [*death nod*]

[O hai, Fox, thnx for rejoining us.]

WESLEY: Is it true?

FOX: Yeah, actually. Too bad Sloan says the loom wants you dead now.

[Yeah, well maybe you should have done it before he got AN ENTIRE TRAIN KILLED, Fox. And she still doesn't kill him, because Wesley shoots out the train window beneath him and falls with his dead father's body dowwwwwwn the ravine into the water...]

Some Apartment

[And... somehow... he gets out. Let's say... Pekwarsky comes and gets him.]

PEKWARSKY: This was your real father's apartment, Wesley. See? It's right across the train tracks from where you lived with your evil bitch girlfriend. He took pictures of you all the time, all your life!

WESLEY: AND TRIED TO KILL ME!

PEKWARSKY: No! He was trying to kill all your assassin friends and rescue you! He wanted a better life for you. You know... that life across the street with the... cheating girlfriend and the... soul-sucking... job...

WESLEY: ...

PEKWARSKY: I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

[So it turns out that Sloan was making up target names all along and Cross found out and that's why Sloan wants him dead. So now Wesley's going to make himself over in the image of his real father, and conveniently Cross has an apartment full of sweet-ass leather jackets and guns and guns and more guns and... rat explosives?

Textile Factory #17

WESLEY: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIENDS!

THE GUNSMITH: What, your guns? We all have--

SOME GARBAGE TRUCK IN REVERSE: BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

5000 NITROPEANUTBUTTERGLYCERRATS: *BOOM!*

[Wesley leaps through the window of the blown-up factory and matrixes through the looms killing all his assassin friends, with a special poetic-justice detour to knife the Butcher. He may also weave a couple of guys to death, I'm not sure. If you imagined Wesley shouting "FOR NARRRRRNIAAAAA!" in slo-mo through all this, you and I have a lot in common.]

One of the Great Moments in Modern Cinema

[Wesley makes it to Sloan's office, but he's surrounded by Fox, the Gunsmith, and... whoever else hasn't gotten dead yet but isn't important enough to have a name.]

WESLEY: THE LOOM IS A LIE! SLOAN MADE UP TARGETS FOR PROFIT AND MADE ME KILL MY REAL FATHER! HE'S THE ONE WHOSE NAME REALLY CAME UP!

SLOAN: So did everyone else's. Look, I have the paperwork. All of you should be dead, just like me. Either we can listen to the Magic Loom of Whatthefuckever that I was so big on fifteen minutes ago, or we can take destiny into our own hands and be gods among men. So if any of you feel the need to follow the code of the Fraternity to the letter, you can all put those guns in your mouths and pull the trigger. Otherwise, SHOOT THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

[I think we should all just bask in the incandescence of this moment here for a while.]

THE GUNSMITH: ... I'm totally okay with shooting Wesley.

[But Fox will live by the code and she will die by the code, so she pulls out her gun and whips off a shot and it circles around the room killing everyone through the head including her NO NOT FOX NOOOOOO FOOOOOOOX WHY DID YOU BELIEVE SLOAN? HE TOTALLY COULD HAVE MADE THOSE WEAVINGS UP TOO! *sob*]

Some ATM

[So Sloan got away, he took Wesley's badass not-girlfriend, he took the only not-home Wesley had, and now he's taken all of Wesley's not-father's money.]

WESLEY [sobbing]: Come back, three million dollars! Come baaaaaaack.

Wesley's Cubicle

WESLEY: And so I went back to my soul-sucking job and my horrible girlfriend and my douchebag best friend and resigned myself to a life of quiet, sadsack desperation. Oh, and then Sloan came up behind me at my desk and shot me through the head. The end.

SOME GUY WHO IS TOTALLY NOT WESLEY: SUCKAAAAAAAH.

SLOAN: *presidential-godly facepalm*

[Wesley caps Sloan with one of Pekwarsky's bullets through his boss's jelly donut and Barry's energy drink and the five o'clock train. He shoots him with his real father's magic scope rifle from the comforts of Cross's apartment all the way across town, and Sloan walked right into it.]

WESLEY: Pussy.

FIN.

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The Happening in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 03:37:23 GMT

It's just as bad as you've heard. I went in hoping that people were just being harsh on Shyamalan out of habit, because I like suspense movies and would like to see him pull it back together. They really... aren't.

The Credits

[There are ominous clouds of ominosity for about ten minutes.]

Central Park

[Something... is ~HAPPENING~.]

THE FIRST STAGE

GIRL WITH BOOK: I feel... confused.

THE SECOND STAGE

GIRL WITH BOOK: I feel... like reading backwards.

THE THIRD STAGE

GIRL WITH BOOK: *HAIRPIN STABNATION*

GIRL'S FRIEND: I... don't really feel like killing myself in some creatively spur-of-the-moment way, can I just fall over dead?

[No, you can't. Because something has to be ~HAPPENING~.]

GIRL'S FRIEND: Aw, man.

Some Nearby Construction Site

[OH MY GOD PEOPLE ARE JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS LIKE 9/11 BUT NOTHING IS EVEN ON FIRE!]

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: I think... something TERRORIST is ~HAPPENING~!

Some High School

[Despite teaching high school, Elliot Moore talks to his students like they're five years old. Actually, he talks to everyone like they're five years old.]

ELLIOT: Hey kids! Have you heard about all the honeybees vanishing? It's crazy! Without a trace! And no one knows why! It's like a coordinated event! Scary, huh? Let's have some theories!

STUDENT #1: Disease?

ELLIOT: Nope!

STUDENT #2: Pollution?

ELLIOT: Nope!

STUDENT #3: Global warming?

ELLIOT: Nope!

[Then Elliot calls on a hot slice of jailbait named Jake.]

ELLIOT: What, no theories? You'd better take an interest in science, Jake, because you're a hot bitch now, but in five years, science will make you ugly.

JAKE: It was... an act of nature that we will never fully understand...?

ELLIOT: You are absolutely right.

BILLY: That's not a theory! That's just LAZY. Besides, if we'll "never fully understand it," NO ONE can ever be right about anything!

ELLIOT [looking deep into Billy's eyes]: Jesus doesn't like a doubter, Billy.

BILLY: D:

THE PRINCIPAL: Everyone stop teaching! There appears to be an event ~HAPPENING~, and it seems to be a terrorist ~HAPPENING~. The first stage is confusion of speech. The second stage is doing stuff backwards. The third stage... IS FATAL. So... send your kids home and God knows might happen to them on the way!

ELLIOT: Hey kids! You still gotta work on your science projects even though we're under terrorist attack! What are the rules of scientific investigation?

THE KIDS [in unison]: Observe phenomena, collect data, and then don't record it because we'll never understand it anyway.

ELLIOT: Class dismissed!

[Elliot's best friend is a math teacher named Julian, who says that his mother has offered to let Elliot and his wife Alma stay with them in Philadelphia, which is totally safe and would never be terrorized.]

ELLIOT: I don't know... Alma's been acting weird. You know... odd. Peculiar.

JULIAN: Omg! You think she's toxinated? Or a terrorist?

ELLIOT: No, I'm saying that we're partially estranged because she had dessert with another man.

JULIAN: THAT HOOR!

ELLIOT: I KNOW!

JULIAN: You know, she was crying on your wedding day.

ELLIOT: Thanks for telling me that years later when it's too late to do any good, man. You are a true friend.

Chez Elliot

[Alma is ~~ignoring extramarital phone calls~~ watching the Convenient News Network (CNN), which always reports on exactly the thing you want to know about.]

NEWS ANCHOR: Normally we don't go around randomly killing ourselves, but this terrorist neurotoxin makes brain stuff go bad. As for why terrorists would release toxins that would make us kill ourselves rather than sarin gas that would just make us fall over dead, WE MAY NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.

[Meanwhile, Elliot goes to pack some clean socks and his mood ring. A nearby newspaper notes that PHILLY MURDER RATES are SOARING.]

ELLIOT: Well, as long as nobody's killing themselves, we'll be perfectly safe there!

The Train Station

[Julian and his young daughter Jess meet Elliot and Alma at the station, but Julian's wife is out of town and will have to take a later train.]

ALMA: Hi, Julian, how are you?

JULIAN: HOOR.

ALMA: Elliot, you told him!

ELLIOT: No I didn't!

JULIAN: HOOR.

Olympic Suicide Relay, Philadelphia

TREES: *rustle ominously*

[And with a starter shot to the forehead of the traffic cop theyyyyyy're off! The gun is passing down the line of stalled cars--nice hand-off from the guy in sandals to the businesswoman! Look at the speed on those suicide victims, this must be a new world record! They're going for the GOOOOOLD!]

Back on the Train

ALMA [whispering on phone]: Stop ruining my marriage, M. Night Shyamalan! It was just one torrid night of tiramisu, it didn't mean anything!

SOME RANDOM WOMAN WITH PHONE: OMG PHILADELPHIA WAS JUST ATTACKED!

The Tiny Town of Filbert, Pennsylvania

[So, clearly, let's just stop the train and kick everyone out.]

SOME TRAIN CONDUCTOR: We lost contact.

ELLIOT: What? With whom?

SOME TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Nice grammar there.

ELLIOT: Thanks, I'm a schoolteacher. WITH WHOM?

SOME TRAIN CONDUCTOR: ... Everyone.

ELLIOT: Everyone? Everyone-everyone? At every station? In the whole country? This is Amtrak, you can't lose touch with EVERYONE.

SOME TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Sir? Jesus doesn't like a doubter.

ELLIOT: *hangs head*

Some Diner

[Jess has temporarily gone semi-mute because that's what she does when she's upset, or something.]

ALMA: It's okay, Jess. I don't like to show my emotions either.

JULIAN: Unless there's DESSERT INVOLVED.

ALMA: ELLIOT!

ELLIOT: Look, Jess, we're in a small town. Nothing's ~HAPPENING~ here.

SMALL-TOWN WAITRESS WITH DREAMS OF GETTING OUT: Honey, tell me about it.

ELLIOT: Here, Jess, wearing my mood ring will make you feel better. Look! On you, it's yellow, which means that you'll laugh soon!

JESS: You have a MOOD RING? AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SOME RANDOM WOMAN: OH MY GOD MY SISTER JUST UPLOADED THIS TO YOUTUBE!

[The video is crystal-clear with the magic of Apple's iPhone™!]

SOME LION: OM NOM ASSISTED SUICIDE NOM.

ELLIOT: OH MY GOD! I'VE ALREADY SEEN THAT IN THE TRAILER!

SOME RANDOM GUY: Hey! Convenient News Network thinks it might not be terrorists now!

NEWS ANCHOR: Smaller and smaller towns are being attacked. But only on the Eastern seaboard. Too bad that's exactly where we are! [*hangs self with microphone cord *]

[Then the diner's electricity commits suicide.]

SOME PANICKED GUY: EVERYBODY RUN!

SOME RANDOM WOMAN: Where?

SOME PANICKED GUY: Somewhere not on that map in the news report! Let's say... ninety miles from here.

[Everyone flails out to the parking lot and burns rubber the hell outta Filbert. No one will give Our Heroes a ride.]

ALMA: Man, people are such assholes! It's almost like humanity deserves to kill itself or something.

SOME PLANT GUY: Hey, I run a plant nursery, which will be a totally safe place to stop and get hot dogs. Want a ride?

JULIAN: I GOTTA GO GET MY WIFE! SHE'S ALREADY PROBABLY DEAD, TAKE MY DAUGHTER!

ELLIOT: What?

JULIAN: Look, my wife was out looking for a dollhouse for our daughter, and I gotta go leave Jess and look for her with this other car full of people, and saying that in front of her won't fuck her up for life when neither of us comes back, I'm sure of it.

[Sad violins are sad.]

JULIAN: Hey, man [sniffle], it'll be okay. Let's pretend there's a really mathy probability that her town hasn't been hit.

ELLIOT: Even though it's also on the Eastern seaboard?

JULIAN: SHUT UP AND TAKE HER!

ALMA: Okay, we'll take care of her--

JULIAN: DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, HOOR.

Some Plant Guy's Plant Nursery

SOME PLANT GUY [packing cooler]: You know, hot dogs sure do get a bad rap. I mean, sure most of them are made out of rat intestines, but they're really delicious, you know?

ELLIOT: I... sure. Yeah.

SOME PLANT GUY: You know, I think I know what's causing this. It's the plants! They're releasing chemicals!

ELLIOT: THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN A NURSERY?

Princeton, Where Julian's Wife Is Totally Already Dead

[Julian and his ride drive through a wooded avenue. Dozens of people have hanged themselves from the trees.]

JULIAN: Close the vents while I calm the passengers with math!

HYSTERICAL WOMAN: OH GOD MATH NOOOOOOO!

[A tiny tear in the roof of the Jeep has betrayed them omg. Sad violins are sad. The Jeep stops, accelerates, then crashes into a tree; Julian gets out and calmly slits his wrists with shards of glass. Exit the only actor in the movie who did not turn in a completely atrocious performance: John Leguizamo, you will be missed.]

Some Plant Guy's Plantmobile

PLANT GUY'S WIFE: Are those dead animals on the road?

ALMA: Of course not--animals don't deserve to die!

PLANT GUY'S WIFE: Hey, get out the binoculars you use to spy on our neighbors.

[I am not even making that last part up. Also, it's totally dead people in the road. No, I will not be making an "I see dead people" joke here, because you deserve better than that.]

ELLIOT: So... uh... Jess, let's play clappy games while the nice Plant Guy turns the car around!

Some Fork in the Road

PLANT GUY: Hey, it's the Army! We're saved!

PRIVATE AUSTER: Omg my base is ten miles up the road and everyone's dead! They done kilt themselves with barbed wire!

PLANT GUY: Ten miles behind us, everyone is also dead!

PRIVATE AUSTER: Cheese and crackers!

[I didn't make that part up, either.]

[There's a double fork in the road; various cars converge where Our Heroes are stopped. Each group of refugees has the same story: everyone behind them is dead.]

PRIVATE AUSTER: Good gravy Marie!

PLANT GUY: Hey, Teacher Dude, this lady says her daughter's on the phone in Princeton. Isn't that where your friend went?

DISTRAUGHT LADY: She says everyone's dead! Stacy! Stacy! You're confused and possibly doing things backwards! You're scaring me!

[Distraught Lady puts Stacy on speakerphone so that everyone can be traumatized when Stacy kills herself.]

THE TREES ON THE PHONE: *rustle*

JESS: Is my daddy dead?

ELLIOT: *cries*

PLANT GUY: You know what I think? I think it's hot dog time.

Some Fork in the Road, Hot Dog Time

PLANT GUY [chewing]: You know, plants totally have badass ninja targeting powers of evolution. They can take down whoever they want if they feel like it. Like these totally awesome tobacco plants that send out killer wasps when caterpillars get up in their shit.

ALMA: Do the wasps have frickin' lasers on their heads?

PLANT GUY: No caterpillar has ever lived to tell.

[Meanwhile, Elliot and Private Auster are having a powwow:]

PRIVATE AUSTER: So the ~HAPPENING~ started in the cities, then it moved to the small towns, and now it's moving out into... the countryside.

ELLIOT: Then why are we standing around out here?

PRIVATE AUSTER: SWEET FANCY MOSES!

Private Auster Addresses the Troops

PRIVATE AUSTER: Okay! We gotta find ourselves a safe zone! Because the toxins are attacking populations! So let's us all go en masse to someplace where no one lives! We'll go in two groups: people who can leave right now, and people who need to get their hot dogs from their cars! Remember: STAY IN EASILY-ATTACKED GROUPS!

The Group of People Who Did Not Need to Get Hot Dogs from Their Cars

ALMA: Elliot, in case we die, I want you to know that I'm really really sorry I had dessert with some guy.

[There is an awkward silence.]

JESS: Mr. Elliot, is that bad?

ELLIOT [glaring]: Only HOORS have dessert, Jess.

TREES: *rustle*

[Back in the other group, Private Auster goes crazycakes screaming about how his firearm is his friend and will never leave his side. Plant Guy takes his wife's hand, deeply regretting his attachment to meat-like products. In Our Heroes' group, everyone whimpers at Elliot to think of something while the Hot Dog Group starts shooting themselves, but all he can say is "Oh no" and "I can't think," because when you want someone who can wibble, you hire Mark Wahlberg. Then Elliot starts trying to figure out what to do using the scientific method:]

ELLIOT: OMG THE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAD HOT DOGS IS BIGGER THAN US! The plants went for them first because they react to human stimulus with badass ninja toxin powers!

ALMA: What? WHY?

ELLIOT: WE MAY NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND!

SOME REALTOR: So what should we do?

ELLIOT: Well, they target groups, like that group over there, and we're in a group over here, much like the kind of groups they like to target. So...

TREES: *rustle*

ELLIOT: EVERYBODY OUTRUN THE WIND!

[Our Heroes finally get a clue and split off with two teenagers from the group and don't die, although when Elliot asks if "this could really be ~HAPPENING~" I kind of want to kill him myself. And then, when Elliot goes to investigate an abandoned van, he turns on the car radio and hears someone on talk radio freaking out about how there are more nuclear power plants in the Northeast than anywhere else in the country, and angry trees lob an anvil towards the audience.]

Some House Over There

ALMA: So... you think it's plants?

ELLIOT: HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING AT ALL?

The Scene That No One Will Ever, Ever Let Mark Wahlberg Forget

[While Alma takes Jess to the bathroom in Some House, Elliot realizes that he's alone in a room with a potted tree.]

ELLIOT [whispering]: Hey there... tree. I just... I just want to say... you know... it's cool... we're not going to be here very long, we just have a little girl who needs to go to the bathroom, so, you know... good times. It's all you. I'm sure... I'm sure you're a very nice tree... very pretty tree... have you been working out?

ALMA: IT'S PLASTIC, YOU DOUCHE.

Still in Some House

TEENAGE BOY #1: Hey, look, everything's plastic! Even the food! It's a model house!

ELLIOT: Huh. What a totally random thing to have in the middle of a movie.

TEENAGE BOY #2: Why is this ~HAPPENING~?

ELLIOT: I don't know. It reminds me of something that happened in Australia with bacteria, but this kind of event usually crests and then stops suddenly for no reason, so maybe--

TEENAGE BOY #1: Oh God, is he talking science again?

Outside Some Model House

ELLIOT: RUN! GROUPS OF PEOPLE ARE COMING!

[Two groups converge on the Model House while Elliot watches from a hillside, and Some Guy fires up an industrial riding lawnmower and lets it mow him to death. Then Our Heroes run past a billboard advertising McMansions with the slogan YOU DESERVE THIS! DUCK, IT'S AN INCOMING ANVIL!]

Somewhere Else, In the Countryside, Not Away from Plants

[The two boys try to tell Elliot how to smoove up Alma, and he tells them to get their dirty paws off his mood ring. And then Elliot tries to make Alma jealous by babbling about a pharmacist he saw this one time who was so hot that he almost bought cough syrup and he didn't even need it. And then Alma thanks him for being a dweeb. I kind of want to kill myself.]

Some Farmhouse

ELLIOT: Please can we have some food for the little girl?

CANTANKEROUS OLD MAN: NO!

ELLIOT: Please?

CANTANKEROUS OLD MAN: NO!

ELLIOT: Please? I'll sing for you!

CANTANKEROUS OLD MAN: OH GOD NO!

ELLIOT: Well, he said no, so we'd better go--

[IMPOLITE TEENAGE DOOR SMASH! CANTANKEROUS UNEXPECTED SHOTGUN BLAST! SLO-MO SCHOOLTEACHER OH NOES! SAD VIOLIN SADNESS! INAPPROPRIATE RECAPPER LAUGHING!]

FARMHOUSE OF CRAZY

[And then the movie gets awesome, because Crazy Southern Gothic Betty Buckley shows up. Also, none of Our Heroes seem to know that the proper response to "I hope the meal was sufficient" is "Thank you, it was very good" rather than awkward silence.]

CRAZY MRS. JONES [no relation]: I should probably mention here that there's a secret "speaking tube" passageway between here and the springhouse that the slaves used during the War of Northern Aggression. You know, in case you need it for the plot later. So, who's chasing who?

ALMA: Uh... the trees are chasing us?

CRAZY MRS. JONES: No, I meant which of you two is chasing the other, because the movie hasn't beached itself on the rocks of your relationship in a while.

ELLIOT: *raises hand*

[And then Crazy Betty Buckley slaps Jess's hand away from the cookie plate.]

ELLIOT: So... uh... do you have a radio, Mrs. Jones? Because's something's... ~HAPPENING~.

CRAZY MRS. JONES: Nope. Mend my own clothes, grow my own food, churn my own crazy 'round here. So whatever's going on, don't you tell me about it, because the world don't care about me and I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. COOKIE?

GUEST ROOM OF CRAZY

ALMA: Hey, you know that part in War of the Worlds, you know, the new one, where Tom Cruise and his daughter end up holing up in a farmhouse with Crazy Tim Robbins and it turns out to be a really, really bad idea and goes on for way too long?

ELLIOT: No, I don't. Is that a movie you watched after you had dessert?

ALMA: ELLIOT--

CRAZY MRS. JONES [in the hallway]: I CAN HEAR YOU PLOTTING TO KILL ME! I CAN HEAR YOUUUUUU!

BEDROOM OF CRAZY

[The next morning, Elliot goes looking for Alma and Jess, who are playing outside, and then, because he's an idiot, he decides to go poking around Mrs. Jones' bedroom. Instead of Mrs. Jones herself, there's a lifesize doll in her bed, and for a moment I thought there was some kind of "A Rose for Emily" freakishness going on, but thankfully, it's just garden-variety old-lady crazy. Remember way back when this movie was about running from trees? Those were the days.]

CRAZY MRS. JONES: I KNEW YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME! LEEEEEEAVE NOWWWWW!

[Crazy Mrs. Jones is so crazy that she leaves the house. And then Elliot sees her wandering backwards in the garden.]

ELLIOT: JESS! ALMA! GRIZABELLA'S GONE TOXIC, GET IN THE HOUSE!

[And then Crazy Mrs. Jones starts smashing her head into the windows and Elliot must OUTRUN THE WIND, OH MY GOD THE WIND IS IN THE HOUSE!, and he hides in the room with the speaking tube to the springhouse and he tells Alma to close the doors and the windows and she asks him WHY BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE HASN'T BEEN WATCHING THE MOVIE AT ALL and then Elliot and Alma talk about their first date and his mood ring and how purple doesn't mean "love" it means "horny" and Jess is right there and Elliot walks across the yard DRAMATICALLY to BE WITH ALMA and ALMA BRINGS JESS OUT TO DIE WITH HIM, like, MAN DO YOU SUCK AT THIS PARENTING THING and THE TREES ARE RUSTLING and oh my God just DIE, JUST DIE ALREADY, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.]

Three Months Later

[They totally didn't die. The ~HAPPENING~ just... stopped ~happening~. Possibly because of the Power of Their Love Omg, but we may never fully understand.]

ELLIOT: I'm so glad we're a family now!

ALMA: I'll never eat tiramisu again!

JESS: I didn't like my other daddy anyway!

ALMA: Elliot! Guess what! Now that I've learned my place, I'm going to have your baby!

JESS: Gee, Aunt Alma, I'm so glad you're not a hoor anymore!

ELLIOT: Maybe thousands of people killing themselves was worth it after all.

The Convenient News Network

SOME INTERVIEWER: So why did the ~HAPPENING~ start one Tuesday morning and then just end on Wednesday morning?

SOME SCIENCE GUY: Well, it was an act of nature, and we may never fully understand it.

[No, he actually says that.]

SOME SCIENCE GUY: AND I BELIEVE IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

Paris, France

LES ARBRES: *bruissent*

FIN.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.

Cloverfield icons

cleolinda — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 18:38:33 GMT

Or the first set, anyway--I'm still searching for the right pictures. I did manage to get some bootleg images, including a few of the monster; some icons have spoiler and non-spoiler versions (please use spoiler icons judiciously around people who might not have seen the movie yet).

Quick download: cloverset1.zip. As always, use whatever you want, make your own, have a party.

Browse the folder. Warning: image spoilers. Includes "And now, back to the weather," "Natural selection ensues," "Om nom nom nom," and a few others.

Also: I'm a one or two-trick pony. I can crop images attractively (oooooh, difficult) or do my little Silkscreen font thing. I'm playing with a couple of new styles, but since I'm already so behind on Cloverfield and Golden Compass icons, now is not the time to faff around, you know? So if you have any m15m-related icons (text only are fine--here's a nice tutorial), you are more than welcome to share them here in the comments.

Cloverfield in Fifteen Minutes

cleolinda — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:35:00 GMT

Because numbered lists make me feel organized:

1. I really liked the movie.

2. I don't know when I'll do another one or what it will be. These things kind of just... happen. I can't force it, so I can't take requests, either.

3. Haven't done Golden Compass icons yet (eeek, sorry about that). I'll... do a double batch or something.

4. Last I heard, Erin hadn't had her surgery yet, but an anonymous donor gave her $9000 (!), so she will be able to pay for it.

5. As always: linking and quoting is cool. Posting the whole thing is not.

6. Enjoy.

Beth’s Dad’s Apartment, In Which Beth’s Dad Does Not Seem to Live

[Timestamp: 6:42 AM, April 2007. Or a month before 1/18/08. Something, I’m not sure. A young woman is draped over a bed, tastefully covered by a sheet, asleep.]

GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: Ewwww, it’s a NUDIE PART!

[And that was when I started contemplating homicide.]

CAMERA-ROB: Here I am, wandering around Beth’s dad’s apartment filming all their knick-knacks, because the only thing better than scoring the girl of my dreams is creeping around her house like a freak.

[Rob and Beth eat strawberries in bed and throw them at each other and are generally schmoopy.]

CAMERA-ROB: What do you mean, you’ve never been to Coney Island? We should totally go!

BETH: Sure, that sounds like fun…

CAMERA-ROB: WE SHOULD GO RIGHT NOW!

Rob’s Apartment, One Month Later

[Roll call!]

LILY: I hope this surprise party I planned for Rob, who is moving to Japan, goes well! What about you, Rob’s hotass brother who I am dating?

JASON: Why yes, attractive girlfriend who likes to take care of people, I too hope that my brother Rob’s surprise party goes well! Maybe Beth, that girl Rob really likes, will come!

LILY: Haven’t you heard? Rob and Beth are all weird about each other now.

JASON: How mysterious!

LILY: Here, take this video camera and get people to tell you how much they’ll miss Rob, your brother! Can I trust you to do this?

JASON: Of course! Except for the part where I will pass it off to Hud, our geeky friend!

HUD: Dude… I’m decorating over here.

JASON: Look! It’s Marlena, the girl you have a crush on!

CAMERA-HUD: Whoa… there’s, like… stuff already on this tape.

Stuff Already on This Tape

CAMERA-ROB: We’re on a train! I love trains! I love being on trains with you, Beth!

BETH: So, do you think you’ll take that job in Japan?

CAMERA-ROB: I don’t know… it’s on the other end of the world, and I’ll be away from… my friends.

BETH: Oh, Rob! It’s such a great opportunity, you shouldn’t pass it up!

CAMERA-ROB: … Oh.

SURPRISE!

EVERYONE: Happy farewell party, Rob!

ROB: Beth! Beth!

BETH: Travis!

TRAVIS: Hi.

ROB: TRAVIS?

BETH: Rob…!

TRAVIS: Awkward.

[While Rob and Beth argue in the hallway, Camera-Hud continues collecting farewell testimonials.]

CAMERA-HUD: So Jason said that Lily said that Rob said that he and Beth did the sex, but then something happened and they’re not speaking anymore and it’s all tragic because Rob’s been promoted to VP of marketing for Slusho or some shit and it means he has to move to Japan and we’re all gonna miss him, which is why I’m following people around with a camera, ’cause we’re gonna miss him. You wanna talk about how much you’re gonna miss him?

MARLENA: Look, I’ve only met Rob, like, twice. I don’t even know who Beth is.

CAMERA-HUD: Oh. So… you wanna talk about how much you’re gonna miss him?

MARLENA: What’s your name again?

CAMERA-HUD: Hud…?

MARLENA: I need another drink.

CAMERA-HUD: … I love you…?

[Back inside, Beth has decided to quit fighting while they’re ahead.]

BETH: Good luck in Japan, Rob.

THE MOMENT ROB WILL REGRET FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE: Good luck tonight, Travis.

EVERYONE: BURRRRRRN.

Outside on the Fire Escape of Pout

JASON: So… you slept with Beth, the girl of your dreams, took her to Coney Island, and… didn’t speak to her again.

ROB: I was moving to Japan! I didn’t want to hurt her!

JASON: How are you smart enough to be VP of anything?

HUD: Dude, you are kind of a douche.

GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: Ewwww, he said a DIRTY WORD!

ROB: *hangs head*

[EXPLOSIONS!]

JASON [inside]: Turn on the TV! They always have news reports about exactly what you want to know!

NEWS ANCHOR: We’re hearing that earthquakes are rocking the city…

LILY: Should we go stand in some doorways, or go to the basement?

MARLENA: I don’t know, I’m not from California.

NEWS ANCHOR: ... capsizing an oil tanker—we bring you live footage now…

ROB: Dude! I bet we can watch from the roof in perfect comfort and safety!

On the Roof

[A giant fireball off in the distance rains flaming debris upon the city. Which happens to include Rob’s apartment. Thus commences the Running of the Stupid ~~and the Barfing of the Audience~~ as everyone hurtles down the stairs.]

ROB: GO GO GO GO GO!

[And then the head of the Statue of Liberty, pitted with clawmarks, bounces down the street.]

ROB: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

[Everyone stands around and takes cameraphone pictures of it.]

ROB: Hud! HUD! We gotta get out of here!

CAMERA-HUD: Hang on, man, I gotta upload this to YouTube.

ROB: Beth! I gotta get hold of Beth!

[Then Empire State Building collapses and debris 9/11s down the street in a tsunami of dust. And then—they hear the roar. They see the giant, knuckle-dragging foot. I mean, I’m guessing they do, because we don’t actually see it. Apparently the production crew referred to the monster as “Clover,” but we’re going to call it Darwin, because it single… six-handedly removes a large amount of stupid from the gene pool.]

DARWIN: RAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Some Convenience Store

EVERYONE: *hides behind the snack rack*

JASON: Rob! Rob! I saw it! It’s alive! It’s huge!

ROB: It’s a lion?

JASON: NO! IT’S—

[DARWIN TAILSMASH!]

HUD: THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY CONVENIENT!

[After Darwin has passed through, the gang catches up with Marlena, who is wandering around in the street, covered in dust, wild-eyed. She has seen The Unspeakable.]

LILY: Are you okay? Did you see it? What did it look like?

MARLENA: It… it does not… have very good table manners.

The Brooklyn Bridge

[Rob, Jason, Lily, Marlena and Camera-Hud are trying to escape, like pretty much the rest of Manhattan. We don’t actually care about anyone else at the party, so they’re not here.]

SOME HELICOPTER: PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND FLEE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION!

ROB [on cellphone]: Beth? Beth? Beth? Beth?! DAMN YOU, VERIZON!

DARWIN TAILSMASH: WHIP-CHAAAA!

[… which takes out the bridge, a few hundred screaming New Yorkers, and Rob’s hotass brother (nooooo!).]

LILY: NOOOOOO!

[Sob.]

Back in Manhattan

[Forced to turn back, Rob and Lily pause the gang’s flight to mourn Jason. Meanwhile, the citizens cope with urban chaos in a time-honored fashion: looting.]

CAMERA-HUD: Rob, dude! Now is not the time to snag a Wii!

[But no, Rob has dashed into an electronic store to search feverishly for a cellular battery compatible with his phone. Meanwhile, Camera-Hud watches the news on a display TV.]

NEWS ANCHOR: I understand that we’re now seeing the creature…

SERGEANT SOMEONE: … using this skyscraper as a scratching post, yes. We’ve sent out for some catnip and a very large ball of yarn, which should be here momentarily. With any luck, we may be able to trade a flea dip for the safety of OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY VISCERAAAARRRRGHHHHASLDKFJASLDFKJ!

[Giant spiderlice jump off the monster and snarfle the soldiers on TV into itty bitty pieces.]

NEWS ANCHOR: … And now, back to John with the weather.

WEATHERMAN: Well, I’m seeing a 100% chance of GIANT FUCKING MONSTERS, Roma.

CAMERA-HUD: Rob! Rob! We gotta go, man!

[Finally, Rob is able to work his phone and listen to Beth’s voicemail message, which is a weepy “Rob… I’m bleeding… and I can’t move! Can you… come help me…?”]

CAMERA-HUD: Rob!

ROB: Beth bleeding Beth Beth help trapped must go MUST GO!

The Opposite of Safety

[Rob trudges off into the night towards Beth’s apartment. Hud follows Rob because he wants to record “how it went down,” and Lily follows Rob, because Rob is like a brother to her, and Marlena follows Lily, because she’s sure as hell not going to wander around a monster-chewed Manhattan by herself.]

LILY: Rob? Do you think it’s at all significant that crowds of people are running and screaming in the opposite direction? I’m just asking.

DARWIN: RAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

[A bunch of soldiers and a tank are firing at a giant leg, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much good. Also, it’s coming closer and it's really heavy and it’s really fast.]

ROB: TO THE SUBWAY!

Down in the Subway

[And then Rob and Jason’s mom calls to see if they’re all right.]

ROB: Yeah, Mom… about that…

LILY: *bawls*

CAMERA-HUD: So… can I comfort you, or anything?

MARLENA: What was your name again?

[We pause for their grief.]

ROB: Hey, look at the subway map! We’re on the 6! We can totally walk through the tunnels to Beth’s from here!

LILY: But—I’m wearing four-inch heels and Marlena is wearing platform boots and it’s, like, a hundred thousand miles to Beth’s and it’s toward the monster and—

ROB: BETH BETH BETH BETH BETH!

LILY: OKAY!

An Actual Conversation They Have in the Subway

CAMERA-HUD: I’m just saying, it would be really creepy if some flaming hobo jumped out at us right now—

EVERYONE: HUD!

Some Hours Later

ROB: Lily, how are you holding up?

LILY: I can’t feel my legs.

[Suddenly, a flood of rats come racing down the tunnel.]

THE AUDIENCE: omg run.

[While the girls are squeaming, the tunnel lights go out.]

MARLENA: Hey, do you guys hear that?

THE AUDIENCE: RUN!

CAMERA-HUD: Here, lemme turn on the night vision—

THE AUDIENCE: Don’t turn on the night vision! DON’T TURN ON THE NIGHT VISION! RUN! RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!

LILY: What is that?

SOME RAT: RUN, DUMBASS!

FIFTEEN GIANT SPIDERLICE: Hiiiiiiii.

[Somehow, the gang manages not to die. Marlena gets chomped through the shoulder, but goes back to beat spiderlice off Hud with a piece of rail. The real shock isn’t that Marlena gets bitten; it’s that no one else does. The other three stagger away with gouges and mild gnawings.]

Some Break Room Upstairs

[Lily ministers to Marlena’s deep, scary wounds with a bottle of water while Rob and Camera-Hud discuss their options.]

CAMERA-HUD: So… we can die back there, or we can die in here, or we can die up there.

ROB: Pretty much.

LILY: Who says we would die in here? I love it here! There’s water and snack machines and Mountain Dew in here!

ROB: Beth is dying!

LILY: I don’t want to leave the Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew doesn’t want me to die out there! Mountain Dew will keep me safe! I LOVE YOU, MOUNTAIN DEW!

[Rob strikes up another song in the key of Beth minor.]

LILY: FINE!

Some Department Store

[Who knew subways had department stores? First floor: triage department!]

SOME SOLDIER: Civilians! COME WITH US.

MARLENA: Can we grab some sensible shoes first—

SOME SOLDIER: NO!

MARLENA [bleeding from ears]: But… I would really like some shoes.

[Some guy is wheeled by with his torso blown out. OMINOUS.]

MARLENA [bleeding from eyes]: Maybe… some sneakers…

DOCTOR: WE GOT A BITE OVER HERE!

[A HAZMAT team swoops in and drags Marlena into a tent, where she screams and struggles and EXPLODES WTF?]

GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: EWWWWW!

CAMERA-HUD: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

ROB: Um, excuse me, can we get back to the girl I have no chance of ever seeing again?

SOME SOLDIER: Evacuation this way!

ROB: But I have to save my friend! She’s up in a building on Whatever Street, dying!

SOME SOLDIER: Whatever Street? Son… that’s a lost cause right there.

ROB: BEHHHHHTH!

SOME SOLDIER: FINE! Look, we’re going to bring the hammer down on the whole borough at 0600 hours.

LILY: All of Manhattan?

SOME SOLDIER: Look, it only cost $24 in the first place, insurance’ll cover it. If you can get back by 0600, you can come with us. Good luck and Godspeed!

Beth’s Dad’s Apartment’s Building

[And now we find out why Beth’s building is a lost cause: Darwin apparently hip-checked it on his way through, and it’s now propped up by the building next door.]

CAMERA-HUD: If we were really stupid, we could go up the building that isn’t leaning and climb over.

ROB: Excellent! She’s on the thirty-seventh floor.

LILY: Oh, hell to the high-heeled no!

Thirty-Seven Stories Later

ROB: Beth! BETH! I have come to save you!

[Beth is lying under a pile of debris, her shoulder impaled on a length of rebar. She is totally dead.]

LILY: What THE SHIT.

ROB: NOOOOOOOOO!

LILY: Kiss the bitch and see if that does anything!

[Fortunately, Beth was only mostly dead.]

BETH: Oh, Rob… you actually came to save me!

ROB: Everything’s gonna be all right now, Beth, we’re going to get this rebar out and get you out of here—

BETH: Noooo! It hurts! I don’t want to go! It’s pretty nice up here, there’s Mountain Dew, we can just stay—

LILY: BITCH, I JUMPED ONTO A BUILDING FOR YOU! HEAVE!

[They lift Beth up off the rebar and start making the long trek over to the upright building and down thirty-seven flights of stairs, beating down a stray spiderlouse on the way. And then, they actually make it to the evacuating helicopters.]

SOME SOLDIER: Wow, I can’t believe you actually—RUN! IT’S COMING!

[The gang runs like hell—even Beth, even in pain, finds a giant monster pretty good incentive to walk it off. Lily’s thrown into one helicopter and Hud, Rob and Beth are put on another, where they have an excellent view of the rampage in progress. Finally, we get a decent aerial view of the monster. It’s gray and hairless and kind of looks like a gorilla… cave troll… toad-amander… thing. And then they bomb the shit out of it. It goes down in a massive cloud of flame. Darwin is dead, the rest of Manhattan is saved from the hammerdown, and the gang flies over the monster (wait, over the monster?) to safety.]

CAMERA-HUD: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

DARWIN: FIREPROOF IMPLAUSIBILITYSMASH!

[Well, now they’ve just made it mad.]

Sometime Later, Daylight

[Camera-Hud and Beth drag Rob out of a mass of helicopter wreckage. Lily’s helicopter does not lie in pieces a few feet away because she gets away and marries a cousin of Rob and Jason’s and has ten thousand hotass babies. I NEED TO BELIEVE THIS.]

ROB: Oh shit! It’s coming!

[The gang is running across Central Park when Hud drops the camera and runs back to get it. HE DROPS THE CAMERA. AND RUNS BACK. TO GET IT. HE DROPS THE CAMERA AND RUNS BACK TO GET IT.]

CAMERA-HUD’S LAST WORDS: Oh… shit.

[Hud looks up at the monster. The monster looks down at Hud. Hud looks up at the monster. Natural selection ensues.]

DARWIN: OM NOM NOM NOM.

GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: NOOOOOOOO!

[Darwin wanders away, picking his teeth with a tibia. Rob screams over Hud’s body, which is not… all there. Beth, the only person who seems to have any sense of self-preservation, drags him away.]

Under Some Bridge, 6:42 AM

CAMERA-ROB: My name is Robert Hawkins, and if you’re watching this, well—then you know more about what happened than I do.

THE AUDIENCE: *laughs and laughs and laughs*

CAMERA-ROB: So, uh, they’re about to bomb the city, and we’re probably not gonna make it. I love you, Mom. Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to, Beth?

CAMERA-BETH [sobbing]: I don’t want to die! I was perfectly happy being dead at home!

CAMERA-ROB: Uh… you better let me have the camera back, then.

[Rob sets the camera up so it can record their final moments and he has both hands free to schmoop. The preteens behind me chat about where they’re going after the movie.]

ROB: I love you, Beth!

BETH: I love you, Rob!

[Rocks fall, everyone dies.]

GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: Aww, COME ON!

[And then I killed them with my bare hands.]

Come and Watch the Plot Points Fall at Scenic Coney Island!

BETH: What? Where?

ROB: Don’t worry, I didn’t see it either.

[Rob and Beth snuggle in April, and it is tragic.]

The Credits

[Please, enjoy these twelve minutes of Monster Opera.]

After the Credits, If You’re Still There

DYING THROES!ROB [audio only]: Help… us…

IF YOU RUN IT BACKWARDS: The MPAA sends a SWAT team to your house for illegally recording a motion picture.

IF YOU GET TO LISTEN TO IT FIRST: It’s still alive…!

COMING IN 2009: CLOVERFIELD 2: ATOMIC BOOGALOO.

ROB [audio only]: Hey… guys…? Seriously…? A little help here…?

FIN.

© 2008 Cleolinda Jones.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.

Golden Compass update

cleolinda — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:40:56 GMT

I've updated the Golden Compass in Fifteen Minutes entry to post the parody in full, the way I usually do. MegaUpload's reneged on their reward system offer, so there's no point in asking people to jump through hoops to try to read it now. MegaUpload's refusal to pay out (Erin--very wisely--decided to cash out at 100,000 points to see if they would pay at all) is frustrating, but I can't say I'm shocked. We knew it was possibly a long shot, but we were hoping it wouldn't come to this. All I can say is thank you to all of y'all for being willing to help out and put up with a little inconvenience, and if you weren't able to download the text before, I hope you enjoy it now. I still haven't done the Golden Compass icons, but that's because the holidays have been busy. The parody has been posted at the original December 11th entry, so that if y'all have linked to that, people will still be taken to the parody.

The Golden Compass, part 4

cleolinda — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 12:57:23 GMT

Ah, what the hell, have the last part early. Really early. Also, Erin has news: "Business licenses have been procured and I am in the process of designating Project Erin as a non-profit organization. This last week has made me realize no one deserves to have this experience of fighting for a place in a health care system that doesn't want to ensure the health of its people and I would like to turn this around into something bigger and better to help others who might need help in similar situations."

Give me a couple of days to make icons--I have a really fun idea for posting them.

The Golden Compass, part 3

cleolinda — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 20:01:35 GMT

The third installment's up a bit early today (yay!), and with any luck, the last will go up even earlier tomorrow, since I might not be at the computer tomorrow. I'll try to work on icons over the weekend, but we've got some birthdays in the family, so I don't know when I'll be around.