A snapshot of me...

LJ Idol Prompt Week 4: What does narcissism have to with me?

lyndasty — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:22:40 GMT

What does narcissism have to with me?

Everything.

It’s in my DNA, or so I’m afraid. I’m a child from a troubled home, as the popular saying goes, a devoted father but an absent, and borderline neglectful, mother. My father raised me but, the older I’ve gotten, the more involved my mother has made herself in my life. I say this like it’s a bad thing and it is. My mother is toxic, like a mold or a parasite that once it infects you, there is no cure. She leaves chaos and pain in her wake but yet I cling to her like a life-raft.

My Mommy was never ready to be a mom and, truth be told, she never should’ve been a mother and never wanted to be, either. There’s a rumor in my family, it supposedly died with my grandmothers but I was told it at a young age, mores the pity. My mother wanted to have an abortion. Her mother told me this before she died. Had it come from anyone else’s lips, I would’ve instantly accused them of lying. In fact, my father told me this but, until my Granny told me, something didn’t want to believe him.

My father hasn’t lied to me nearly as much as my mother has. She’s always been desperate to be the center of attention and she always has been, thanks to being very grandiose in her thinking and feeling and acting. And, in the pursuit of her self-centeredness, she’s left a wake of tears and broken pieces of my mind and heart.

It’s taken me years to realize that all the things my mother has blamed me for have very little to do with me. It has everything to do with her and all the things she didn’t get to do that she blames me for. It’s all in her mind and my greatest fear is that, because it’s in her mind, it’s in mine. At my worst, I am just like my mother, or so I’ve been told by my father, who should know better than anyone alive since he’s known her the longest. I have the potential to be as violent and as petulant and as self-centered as she is. And that’s what I fear more than any silly mortal fear. Turning into my mother and becoming as narcissistic is such a bigger fear to me than drowning, suffocating, or any kind of freak accident.

And I just realized something, looking back at the topic. What does narcissism have to with me? Apparently, since all I can talk about is myself, it has everything to do with me. But, then again, on some basic level, we’re all narcissistic. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be hair dye, make up, fake nails, plastic surgery. We’re all narcissists. And suddenly, that word isn’t nearly as scary as it used to be. My mother may be a narcissist but not all narcissists are my mother. Now THAT I can live with.

Random goings on...

lyndasty — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 03:33:57 GMT

I know I still need to fulfill the comments on my Trick or Treat post (hint hint...there's still time...) but I'm kind of out of it right now. I'm not out of it physically but mentally and emotionally.

Dad & Taylor have been massively fighting since Friday and I mean this one's The Worst. I'm not going into details because I'll just get all worked up all over again. Let's just say that Taylor was, at one point, packed and ready to leave. Last night, Dad was hysterical, crying to me that he couldn't live without Taylor. And all this made me realize something.

Taylor and I have had our issues but, when all is said and done, the man's been my step-dad for 15 years. He's been with my Dad longer than Timmy was. He's my dad and I love him. No, I don't like him ~~most~~ some of the time but I love him and I love my Dad and I love how the two of them have been toward each other since Dad's heart attacks. I hate when they fight because I feel like I should take Dad's side but, sometimes, Taylor has a valid point.

For example, the day Jason & I got married. Those of you who were there already know what I'm talking about but for those who don't, here's the story. Dad had been lying to Taylor about giving a guy Dad worked with rides to work and home from work. Dad knew how Taylor was about him lying where other guys were concerned, didn't matter that there was nothing hinky going on. The day of the wedding, Luke, the guy, made a comment about Dad giving him a ride and Taylor heard and went nuts. He locked himself in him & Dad's bedroom and wouldn't talk to Dad, threatened to kill himself (Jason even had to hide the rifle and the ammo). So I managed to get him to let me in to talk to him. I agreed with him that Dad shouldn't have lied to him about it but asked him, for me, to come out of their bedroom to stand up at my wedding. He did...after downing quite a few of his migraine pills. But I agreed with Taylor that Dad was in the wrong for lying.

Taylor's always paranoid about Daddy cheating on him. I can see why Taylor is afraid of that. Dad met while he was living with someone else. From Taylor's POV, Dad was in a relationship but things had been over between Dad & Kevin for months when he met Taylor. So I can see both sides of that argument.

Now with this whole...debacle...Dad fucked up and he knows it but Taylor's a very emotional person (he's a Scorpio) and for Dad to do that...of course Taylor's upset. But Taylor's done worse...

Dammit. Of course it's taken conflict to realize how much I love my step-dad. Yes he's been a jackass to me & Jason but I've been equally as horrible to him. But just the thought of he & my Dad breaking up had me so upset this weekend that I couldn't concentrate on anything but worry about them.

So I've decided to be neutral in this battle. I'll listen to the both of them and offer my opinion if asked but I'm not siding with anyone against the other one. I can't decide between my parents. I love both of my dads and I will not choose. They've both made some mistakes...I just hope they can work through them to stay together for another 15 years.

So throughout all of this, I've been thinking about my future. I know I want to go back to school for something and I know I want that something to be a way to help people and I want my life to mean something. So I've been thinking about going back to school and studying to become either a social worker or psychologist. (Not a psychiatrist because oh hell no am I going to med school!) I just don't know...

TRICK OR TREAT: Desi's LJ Edition

lyndasty — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 04:28:15 GMT

Okay so oresteia had an AWESOME idea to open her LJ up for one entry for trick or treating. Comment to this post with "TRICK OR TREAT" and you'll get a trick...now the trick is up to me as to what it is. It might be a ficlet, an icon, pic of a fandom we have in common or actor (or wrestler), a poem, or just a short paragraph about why I'm glad you're on my LJ. Nothing fancy...just a little something to have fun. And yes I know it's no longer Halloween but shut up and play along. C'mon...the more "houses" there are to visit, the more fun there is to be had....open your journal up for ONE POST and let's go Trick or Treating with our Flists! :)

D'oh!

lyndasty — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:59:02 GMT

Okay so the story that I posted a couple of days ago about Kat? Yeah I meant to add to that a disclaimer that the story was written for therealljidol's week 2 prompt and would y'all mind voting for me? All the entries get voted on and the ones with the lowest votes get voted off. I'd REALLY like to make it past week 2 because writing about how I dealt with (and am still dealing with) Kat's death actually was quite therapeutic. :) So this week the voting is community only so it's just a few more clicks to vote for me.

Join therealljidol ---> Go here: Voting For Week 2 (I'm down in Tribe 5) ----> Click my name lyndasty and SUBMIT.

Pretty please???

Oh! And I'm doing NaNo this year!!! And with fanfic at that!!! More later once I really get some good content written. ireth and writerfangirl are responsible for talking me into this insanity this year.

Also, no Randall on RAW tonight? I OBJECT! But then domluver made a good point that he was probably home taking his daughter, Alanna, trick or treating and now I have this wonderful image of him walking hand in hand with Alanna in her tutu around their neighborhood, just the two of them, trick or treating and being home in time for Alanna to see John Cena on tv (since she LOVES him...and that's documented). So I'll deal with the lack of Randall...but he'd better damn well be on Smackdown ~~tomorrow~~ Friday night. I needs my Randall fix and I needs it NOW.

Lj Idol Prompt Week 2: Three Little Words

lyndasty — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 19:51:47 GMT

I’m one of those people for whom words come naturally and words are where I seek solace when things are tough for me. I’ve kept a diary since I was old enough to write a coherent sentence. I’ve written stories since I first learned how awesome creative writing could be. Words have always been golden to me.

Until one day in 2004. That day, three words...just three little words...brought my world crashing down.

A little back story...well, more than a little but less than a lot. In college, I was one of those students who got up, went to class, ate lunch/dinner, and went right back to my room or, on the odd occasion, went to the library to study. Then I got involved in my college theatre and found the family I’d always wanted. When I wasn’t in class, I was with either my mentor, Rupert, and his wife at their house or hanging out with the rest of the theatre gang. We spent more time together some weeks than apart and I felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.

Some of us were closer than others. Kat and I spent time together during the summer before my senior year. I spent almost as much time with Rupert and Amanda, his wife, than I did with my dad during the summers as well. Ru was my mentor and like another father to me. Amanda was like a mom to me, even though we weren’t that far apart in age. Kat and I were sisters but we were so much more than that.

My extended family meant so much to me that, when I dated someone outside of our group, I insisted atleast one of them meet the person I was dating, the more that met my significant other the better. Luckily, they all met, and approved, of the man I chose to settle down with. In fact, they accepted him as one of us.

Fast forward to July, 2004. Rupert and Amanda had separated and were having more problems than any of us could imagine. Rupert, sadly, was the root of the more prevalent of said problems as he wasn’t dealing well with the separation. But when I got the news that Rupert had killed himself, I was completely shocked at how bad things had truly gotten. I stupidly thought the words, “Rupert is dead” were the worst words I could hear. Then, two weeks later, I heard even more unbelievable words.

“Kat’s missing.”

Okay so those are only two words but they felt like someone had punched me in the chest. My first thought was that she’d been kidnapped. There was an investigation. A hot-line was set up for any information about her whereabouts or her abduction. Law enforcement searched everywhere she would’ve possibly gone. Then we found out there was video of her by herself buying sleeping pills at a WalMart not far from where she’d recently moved. I knew it was only a matter of time before I heard three similar words, only the names differing, and I was dreading it.

I was at work when I got the phone call from Amanda and I couldn’t speak. I had friends out of state to call but the words literally stuck in my throat. I couldn’t even think them. It’s like my brain was in denial of the fact. I walked quickly to the bathroom down the hall from my office and sat under the counter, not caring if anyone else was in the bathroom even as the sobs began to wrack my body. I clutched my cell phone in my hands until my knuckles were white and my hands were hurting. I forced my right index finger to scroll through my contacts until I came to Julie’s number. I don’t know why I called Julie first as I passed another friend’s number who was further away and who would need to know sooner in order to secure transportation back to South Carolina for the funeral but Julie’s number was the first one I hit dial on. As the phone rang, I forced the sobs down until I could speak but I still didn’t know if I could actually say the words.

When Julie answered, the tears started to stream down my face again as I said her name, making sure she was who had answered the phone. She went from groggy to instantly awake and asking why I was crying.

I remember taking a deep breath and forcing the words out of my mouth in one quick breath.

“Kat is dead.”

I swallowed a sob as Julie asked me what I’d said.

“Kat is dead.” I forced myself to say the words, feel how strange they felt coming out of my mouth, foreign, like a language I’d never wanted to study and had never heard.

Julie immediately went into denial and I just sat there, crying softly, knowing there was nothing I could do or say that could comfort her because no one could comfort any of us. The reason being that the person who had comforted us through Rupert dying was now gone. I don’t remember how I got off the phone with her but I did and realized I had to call Grace, who was in the Army at the time and stationed out in Washington state. She hadn’t been able to come home for Rupert’s funeral and I was afraid she wouldn’t be able to come home for Kat but I couldn’t not call her. I didn’t even think about the time difference, just that I had to get it over and done with so I wouldn’t have to keep saying those god awful three words that burned my tongue and made my throat feel like it was being cut by razor blades.

Grace answered and she was even groggier than Julie as she informed me it was 5am her time and wanted to know what was so important. I took a deep breath and forced the words out of my mouth again, noticing that they were getting easier to say but harder to believe.

“Kat is dead.”

Grace gasped and the tears that had stopped came cascading down my face again as she asked questions, some I could answer but most I couldn’t. I told her what I could but that felt like cold comfort given her distance. That conversation is more a blur than the one with Julie. I remember telling Grace that I loved her very much and that we’d talk again later and she sounded so sad and so scared but, again, there was nothing I could do.

I called my mom to come pick me up and take me to my other sister Jen’s house. From there Jen, her son, Amanda, and I went back to Amanda’s house to activate our network of friends and acquaintances who’d been placed on standby when Kat went missing. Amanda and Jen made most of the phone calls. The only one I made was to my husband, Jason, to tell him the news and tell him where to come when he was off work. I couldn’t bring myself to say those poisonous words to anyone else that day. One of my exes, and one of our theatre family, showed up and, for some reason, as soon as I saw him, I broke down after sitting emotionlessly on the couch for hours. I kept whispering “Kat is dead” into his shoulder over and over, trying to force myself to believe the words, believe the meaning behind the words, and to force myself to stop watching for her to walk in, the whole thing a gigantic misunderstanding. I knew it wasn’t a misunderstanding. I knew she would never walk through any of our doors ever again.

Those were the hardest days I’ve yet to go through. My entire friend-family watched me like a hawk in case I let myself succumb to the sadness that was threatening to overwhelm me. That’s what had happened to Kat. She couldn’t keep her head above the treacherous waves of grief she felt as losing Rupert, even though there wasn’t anything any of us could’ve done. Still, Kat felt responsible, more so than any of the rest of us. She felt as if she’d let Rupert down my not being there for him the day he’d taken his own life. That was Kat’s downfall...the same thing that had made her the strongest and the protector of our family...her intrinsic nature to watch out and be responsible for all of us, for our family, that same thing led to those horrific words to be constantly repeated that sad day and for days there after.

It’s been over 7 years since Kat died and I still have trouble saying those three poisonous little words. My breath still catches in my throat. Most of all, it feels as if a fist clenches around my heart when I say, “Kat is dead.”

Just another something to occupy my time...

lyndasty — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 05:47:21 GMT

So I was aimlessly clicking on communities of interest on LiveJournal.com and found this neat comm, therealljidol. So I figured what the hell...it looks incredibly complicated and potentially disconcerting and, wouldn't you know, that's also how I describe myself so please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times during the ride...it's all downhill from here!

Like to write about any/everything and nothing, too? Head over and check it out...if nothing else, stick around to read the insanity.

Holiday Card Post, 2010 edition

lyndasty — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 07:23:35 GMT

Okay, y'all, you should know by now what's coming. That's right, it's my annual request for addresses if you want a Christmas/holiday card from me.

So, as a reminder for y'all who've done this before and to let my new friends know how this goes, all comments are screened. Leave me your real name (mail carriers get kinda iffy when I put LJ names on addresses), your address, and what kind of card you'd like (Christmas or generic seasons greeting).

I had family pictures that I 'shopped together of me, Jason, Charm, Bella, and Wiggles but I can't bring myself to make those cards. I'm still debating on whether I want us to go have pictures done over at PETS Inc.

PS. Leave your address even if you think I have it because I might and I might not...same goes regardless of if your address has changed or not since last Christmas.

PSS. I'm leaving this entry public because I'm sharing the post with Facebook so I'm not posting our address on a public entry. I'm posting a f-locked entry after this one that will have my address in it.

Brief return

lyndasty — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 04:43:59 GMT

I haven't been around LJ in a while because I've had so much personal stuff to deal with but I wanted to let y'all know something.

Last night, Charm, our first & oldest 4-legged baby, had a seizure. We have no idea why but she's been under the weather lately. Last night, for a while, she didn't know her name, didn't know me or Jason, and didn't know where she was. Since then. she's had a number of mini/micro-seizures. She had another bad seizure a little while ago but not as bad as the one last night.

So, after watching her all of last night and again all of today once Jason got home, talking about her quality of life at length, realizing that she's 14 years old, has lost most of her teeth, has had a very, very rough life, more talking with Momma, research about what could be wrong with our old girl, petting her, loving on her, and cuddling with her, we've decided to take her to the vet in the morning.

We've decided it's Time.

My heart is breaking, I'm constantly in tears, and I don't think I've been this sad in a very long time. Charm is the first dog Jason & I got after we handfasted. We've had her for 6 years. She was there for me the night I got hurt and laid in bed crying my eyes out. Charm was eagerly waiting for me to come home from the hospital after my back surgery. She's my precious angel and I can't imagine not having her quirky little smile greet me when I wake up in the morning, come in from running errands, or cuddle up with me when Jason leaves for work at night.

Charm is my angel. She's my little miracle. She's such a little fighter, always has been. She taught me that being a momma doesn't mean you have to have an actual baby. She's been a momma to me, even though she's a dog, as much as I've been her momma. We've both survived all sorts of curves life has thrown at us and we're still standing. Neither of us ever got to have a child of our own.

So we're going to the vet in the morning as soon as Jason gets home from work. I'm hoping that Dr. Mike (our vet) can help us hold off on It until Mom gets here Wednesday because she wants to be able to be there with her and to say goodbye. As much as I hope we can wait, I doubt very seriously that we can. If Charm is in any kind of pain, I won't let her suffer any longer than she has to. I can't let my baby go through that. I promised her, when we brought her home all those years ago, that I'd never let her suffer ever again.

I also promised her I'd never let her go anywhere scary without me. Well, I can only be there with her This Time to an extent but I will be. No matter how much it hurts, I will be in The Room with her, holding her paw, and telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me until...

And, when The Time comes, Daddy has asked that we bring her home to his house so she can stay with Sable, Marius, Mouse, Ace, Wilbur, Junior, Spud, and all the puppies they've lost since they started breeding the huskies.

So I would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts and prayers tonight and tomorrow. I'll make sure to let y'all know what happens tomorrow or if we can wait until Mom gets here on Wednesday.

I just realized that Wednesday's my birthday. *sigh*

Anybody who was at the wedding and took pictures, if y'all have any pictures of Charmy, can y'all send them to me? I'm working on a tribute to her.

Okay I'm going to take my sweet baby to bed and see if I can get her to rest. She's been pretty restless the past 24+ hours.

Friends Only

lyndasty — Mon, 22 May 2006 05:12:49 GMT

I keep my LJ Friends Only for the most part...there are a few public entries here and there but, 99% of the entries are f-locked.

Please comment to be added. I'll pretty much friend anyone who friends me but I do have a couple of conditions/requests. Like I said, please comment to let me know you're friending me. Second, just give me a heads up as to how you found my LJ, what interests we have in common, something...that way I won't be wondering if I'm gaining a reputation or something online...