My Fandom Escape

"Singularity" Chapter 49: "The Spaces Between" [49/49]

2022-12-21T13:02:23Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 49: "The Spaces Between" [49/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,533
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

"Don't open it," Ellie advised. ...Ever! Ugh, I wish...

"Sorry, kiddo, but I get the feelin' he ain't--"

"Yet," she added; she knew ignoring Tommy wouldn't make him go away. "Don't open it yet. Let me put more clothes on first? And I'm staying in between you guys so he can't decide to hit you again. Actually -- come with me. I don't trust you not to open it..."

"Open up -- I know you're in there!"

"Give us a minute!" Joel called to him.

"He prob'ly thinks we're fucking," Ellie mused, giggling softly. She dragged Joel by the hand into the bedroom.

"Glad you find this so amusin'," Joel drawled. "I'm sure he heard the guitar."

"Oh yeah, huh. Fucking while playing guitar, then? Cuz we're so talented?"

"Just get dressed."

She buttoned up Joel's flannel shirt that she was already wearing over her new pajamas, and donned the Nina shorts from the drawer. An odd combination... the shirt was long enough that she had to tuck a piece of it in to show that she was indeed wearing something on her lower half. Joel changed into his jeans and an undershirt, so they were both slightly more presentable when they marched out to... face their fate, pretty much. Ellie wasn't actually amused -- she was scared shitless. Is this it? Ultimatum time: play by the rules or get the fuck out?

"I'll open the door," she told Joel, "but you need to stay close, in case he like... tries to grab me or something." Grab her and toss her into a locked cage or a dungeon somewhere, because that was the only thing that might possibly be able to keep her away from Joel.

"He won't lay a hand on you," Joel replied. "If he knows what's good for him, anyway..."

She knew Tommy wouldn't hurt her or anything, but she could imagine him attempting to physically separate her from Joel while they were talking. He won't if he knows what's good for his BALLS... Ellie reluctantly opened the door wide enough to let Tommy in.

He paused at the threshold and looked at her. "Weren't you even gonna let me an' Maria know you were all right?"

...Huh? "It's not that late yet, is it?" She would have gone to their house eventually, since all her essential stuff was there. Even if I didn't do that tonight, they have no reason to worry-- "Joel figured the gate told you he came back, so you would just assume I was with him -- and therefore, okay. Obviously."

He shifted his gaze to Joel. "Damn... they told me you got hurt, but that's... what happened?"

"Nothin'." Joel's stock answer to that question.

"You have to tell a different story every time someone asks," Ellie chided him, closing the door behind Tommy.

"Too much work," said Joel dismissively. "Have a seat, baby brother."

The two men sat at opposite ends of the table and Ellie pulled the desk chair over, planting it decisively closer to Joel than to Tommy, just like last time. Unlike last time, however, she actually remembered to politely offer her unexpected guest a drink, which he declined. She perched on the edge of her chair, like she might need to hop up at any minute and... do what? Fuck if I know.

"So," Tommy began, looking at Joel... and not looking like he wanted to hurt him or even lecture him. "Did you get all your soul-searchin' done out there?"

"For the most part. I was gonna come an' see you..."

"But you had to see Ellie first," Tommy surmised.

"She's a hell of a lot nicer to look at than you are," Joel teased him.

Ellie waited to Tommy to fire back something snarky about Joel's appearance, but he didn't. It struck her how painful their now-strained relationship must be -- for each of them. They'd had their differences in the past, but they had been getting along pretty well for the past year. And it's all my fault... she felt only a niggling guilt over it, though. Because we didn't DO anything to Tommy -- he's just got a stick up his ass!

Joel sighed. "Look. I know what you wanna hear. You wanna hear me tell you that I... I realized you were right all along. That Ellie would be better off without me. So she can be with someone her own age."

Ugh! "Except I don't want--"

"He knows, Ellie. That's the thing... this is what she wants. What I want. -We want to be together. Simple as that."

"Nothin' simple about it." Tommy frowned at each of them in turn. "We're talkin' about an old man bein' with a child."

"A middle-aged man," Ellie corrected him, "and a young woman. Big difference there!"

"It is simple," Joel continued. "We love each other. Yes, I'm older. In a perfect world, she would be with someone younger. But guess what -- this ain't a perfect world. Not even close. What we have... it don't come along every day. It would be pretty goddamn stupid to throw it away like it's nothin'." He put his hand over Ellie's and gave it a squeeze.

She couldn't help smiling at him. That's so sweet! "I totally agree," she said -- in case there's any doubt?! She'd been expressing that same sentiment all along. It was just... amazing to hear Joel echo her own thoughts to his brother -- and with confidence in his words. In his tone.

Tommy looked at them silently... for a painfully long moment. "I still can't... condone what you're doin'. But-- I reckon it'd be pointless for me to argue with either of you. You're both stubborn as mules." He looked at Ellie. "Sweetheart, all I ever wanted was what's best for you. In the long run."

"I know." She could acknowledge that. "What I don't get is how you can't see that Joel is what's best for me. That we belong together."

"You did belong together, when you came to town last year... I was real happy for the both of you. Happy that Joel got to be a dad again... fillin' that void..."

"Ellie was never a replacement for Sarah," Joel said firmly.

"Of course not. Didn' mean to imply that she was. But I could see the change in you... she fixed somethin' that was broke inside you for a long, long time. You two... clearly loved each other. Without it bein' sexual. ...If what you told me was true, anyhow -- that came later? The sexual part."

"Yes," Joel affirmed. "I truly thought of her like my daughter in the beginnin'."

"All right. What I can't help wonderin' is... why wasn't that enough? What was wrong with the kind of relationship you had?"

Joel sighed. "I used to ask myself things like that. And I wished things hadn't changed... wished Ellie could have a normal life... I felt selfish as all hell. I've done... plenty of shitty things in my lifetime, and I didn't want her to be one of 'em... her'n'me. But we can't go back. We can't just... decide we're gonna be father'n'daughter again. It don't work like that. There was nothin' wrong with the way we were... just..."

"The heart wants what the heart wants?" Tommy supplied.

"That it does. Am I really bein' selfish... when all I'm doin' is givin' her what she wants? Makin' her happy? What good would it do to walk away now?"

"You can't go back," Tommy agreed. "You can't undo what's been done. That don' mean that you have to keep goin' forward... doin' what you're doin'."

"It does, actually," Ellie interjected, careful to keep her voice calm. "It's either that, or... we say goodbye to each other. And there's no fucking way I'm doing that just because you think I'm too young. -You, and people who think like you."

"Which is gonna be a considerable part of the town," Joel added. "I understand that. We don't wanna put you in a tough position."

Tommy leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't? Too late, 'cause that's where I'm at."

"I haven't had a chance to talk to Ellie much about this," said Joel, glancing at her, "or... haven't gotten around to it yet, I should say. What I was thinkin' is... if you can live with this -- with us, bein'... together... if you can remember it's about love, not sex..."

Tommy snorted. "It sure didn't look like that from where I was standin' that day."

Ellie felt her face getting warm. She did actually feel kind of sorry for Tommy on that count. "It sucks that you saw what you did. If you were gonna walk in on us, I would've picked a different time -- one where you could see how sweet Joel is to me. How like... loving, or... what's that other word..."

Tommy held up a hand. "I don' need to hear about my brother makin' sweet love to you, thank you."

"But that's what it is!" she replied. "It's love. And that's what I've been missing these last couple months -- the love. Not the sex. I mean, I know you and Maria love me..."

"So do lots of other people here," said Tommy.

"But it's just not the same. When Joel... even just hugs me... I feel like... all warm inside, you know? I don't mean physically... I mean like in my soul. Because I love him so much. And I can feel how much he loves me. There's just nothing else--"

"You could've had that feelin' with him bein' your father, too," Tommy replied.

"You know it ain't the same," Joel put in. "Think about when you started fallin' in love with Maria. Obviously, the feelin' was mutual. Things got romantic. Now think about havin' to go back to the beginnin', after that. Like nothin' ever happened. Both of you still feel the same attraction, but you can't act on it. Again -- there's no goin' back."

Tommy frowned. "Except Maria is a grown woman. We were two consenting adults."

"Well, yay for you," Ellie said crossly. "It didn't happen like that for us. Er -- the consenting part did. And I'm not a little girl."

"Oh but you are," said Tommy. "You are, an' Joel never should've let things get to this point. He should've known better."

"He said no to me at first!" Ellie cried. "Tommy, you don't understand -- I practically threw myself at him -- I'm the one who started it! Not Joel!"

"He don't care about that, Ellie," Joel replied before Tommy could. "Nor should he. It's beside the point. I made the choice. And he's right -- as the adult, I should've known better."

What the fuck?! "Joel--"

"It's true. I did know better, actually. I knew it was wrong. I just didn't care."

Fuck fuck fuuuuuck-- "Oh my God -- but you said you were done thinking it's wrong! Right? Didn't you fucking say that?!"

Joel nodded. "Let me finish. The way I see it now... it was a mistake. That first kiss... there's no goin' back after that." He looked at Tommy. "But you know what else was a mistake? Sarah. And I wouldn't take that mistake back now for anythin' in the world. Sometimes... that's just the way things happen."

Ellie had never thought of it that way. Mostly because she didn't think anything about the nature of their relationship should be classified as 'a mistake.' But she liked the comparison. It did make a certain kind of sense... should Joel not have been a father to Sarah because he'd never intended to have a kid so young? No. He just had to make the best of--

"That's different," said Tommy, dashing her hopes that he would have a breakthrough moment of clarity here. "You have a choice this time. You can still do the right thing."

"He is doing--"

"I got this, Ellie," Joel cut her off, his eyes fixed unwaveringly on Tommy. "I had a choice back then, too. We could've not had the baby. Could've gave it up for adoption. No doubt an adoptive family could've given her a better life than we did. But you know somethin' else? I had no way of knowin' if that's how it would turn out. Whereas I knew if she was with me, she would be loved. Wanted. Cared for."

Tommy sighed. "It still ain't the same--"

"It ain't exactly the same, no. But you do agree that... we can't backpedal on this. I can't just... decide I'm gonna be Ellie's father now. Either we're together, as a couple, or we put lots of space between us... go our separate ways... an' then I'd be just another person in her life that she's loved an' lost. Just another person who taught her... that you'd best not bother with love 'cause all it does is hurt you in the end. I don't call that doin' the right thing. I call it stupid. And unnecessary. I think the time apart did us both some good... but any more time apart is just... it's wasted time, is all it is. I'm here now -- with her. For as long as she wants me around."

Tommy didn't reply to that; Ellie hoped that meant he was mulling things over. I am so proud of Joel right now! Look at him, all sure of himself. Of US. And now he feels the same way I do about time apart just being wasted time... Tommy can just go to hell if he can't accept it!

"I think I got a little side-tracked," Joel continued. "What I was startin' to say before is... I understand you have to think about more than just... me'n'her in a relationship you don't approve of. There's implications for the town. Other people who might demand that somethin' be done."

Fuck-- "Wait -- but I am sixteen now. Which means I'm old enough in lots of places! In the old days, I mean! That should be good enough, right? Especially since there isn't even a law about it anymore!"

"Eighteen is the legal age we've established here," Tommy replied. "As far as bein' considered an adult... bein' able to go Outside unaccompanied..."

Ellie had a surge of inspiration. "And drinking alcohol at parties, right? But people don't really go by that! Lots of teenagers were drinking at Bryan'n'Trin's wedding and no one--"

"That's a little different than a teenager sleepin' with a fifty-year-old man," said Tommy.

"Not really. There's an age, like... suggested? But really it's more of an individual decision type thing, in the end."

"For the booze? Maybe. Goin' Outside alone? ...Possibly, though I can't think of one -- your escape by teleportation don't count."

Ha! She'd forgotten which story she'd fed him. Probably multiple versions. "Whatever. Those... so-called laws or whatever are meant to protect kids. Right? Me and Joel aren't hurting anyone by loving each other."

"He don't see it that way," said Joel. "He thinks I'm sick... an' hurtin' you without you realizin' it. He has every right to feel that way... you shouldn't punish him for it. What I'm suggestin' is... Tommy, if you can look the other way in this instance, I'm willin' to hide it from the world, at least until Ellie turns eighteen -- and I think Ellie is too, seein' as how that's what we've been doin' since we came back from California." He glanced at Ellie for acknowledgment before continuing. "That way, no one gets up in arms, you don't gotta do anythin' about it--"

"Except ignore my conscience, you mean," Tommy interrupted bitterly.

"...Yes. I know it's a lot to ask--"

"Do you? 'Cause I think you can do it reeeeal easy."

An awkward pause here gave Ellie the chance to jump in... but she remained quiet. She didn't want to fill the air with empty words, or... with 'full' words that made perfect sense to her but didn't actually help matters...

"What if she gets pregnant?" Tommy continued.

"She won't. We'll be real careful... maybe look at usin' more reliable birth control, if we can get our hands on it."

The birth control thing was news to Ellie. However, now was not the time to make a case for "whatever happens, happens"... and of course, she understood that a pregnancy would (eventually) make discretion impossible.

Tommy didn't seem completely satisfied with Joel's answer, but he didn't dwell on it. "And what if someone else finds out about you two?"

"They won't!" Ellie promised; she could make Annie swear to secrecy.

"They might," Tommy replied. "You didn't want me to find out, either, but I did, didn't I?"

"Only cuz you barged into our house!"

He quirked an eyebrow at her. "After I heard you yellin'... things I don't care to repeat, at the top of your--"

"I'll be more quiet!" She couldn't help blushing at the memory (again!). Man, that time was so hot... up until it wasn't. "And I should've locked the door first -- I'll totally never forget that again! Joel always locks it -- that was my fault. I distracted him by-- er... I distracted him."

Tommy cringed.

Fuck, we do NOT want him dwelling on that memory! "You could always just... change the law? Right? Didn't laws used to get changed?"

Tommy laughed mirthlessly. "Sure. That would go over real well. Just change things up to suit my own family however I see fit. No input from nobody -- just change it?"

Ellie sighed. "It was just a thought. We can be really discreet, though. Especially Joel. Like, yeah, people might think I have a crush on him, but they can see that he loves me like a dad. Because he does love me that way. He just... also..."

"People are gonna talk, regardless," Joel added. "No matter what we do. It's just human nature."

Tommy snorted. "First week you were here, last year? I had people tellin' me it wasn't right for a teenage girl to live alone with a grown man who she ain't related to. You know what I told them? I said my brother would never do anythin' inappropriate with a young girl. And I believed it, too."

"Because it's true!" Ellie cried, frustrated. "You make him sound like a pervert or something!"

"It's all right, Ellie," Joel said calmly. "Like I said -- he has every right to feel the way he does. We can't change his mind about that. I would say the same thing myself if it was any--"

"But we can show him that it's not bad -- that us, being together -- it's not like he seems to think it is!" Which he should already fucking KNOW because he's SEEN us together!

"Maybe. That ain't up for debate at the moment. Tommy... if you can allow Ellie to keep livin' with me -- which will make it much less likely for someone else to find out, compared to if we were sneakin' around town tryin' to find places to see each other... If you can do that, you can set any other parameters you want. If you don't want to see us together, like how we come over for dinner... if you don't want me around your son..."

The fuck?! Ellie couldn't believe Joel was going there. "Oh my God -- what the fuck does Grayson have to do with anything? You're not a fucking child molester -- Tommy, please tell me you know that!"

"It don' mean that, necessarily," Joel answered before Tommy could say anything. "Just... if he finds my... my moral character, an' whatnot... if that's too lacking..."

"I've got no issue with you bein' around my son," said Tommy, much to Ellie's relief (because fuck, that would be so stupid!). "It's you bein' around her."

Arrgghhhh... what's that saying about a dog with a bone? She was glad Tommy could at least acknowledge that Joel didn't pose any kind of physical or moral threat to his kid. If only he could see that-- ohhhhh I've got it! "Okay listen. I have another idea. I didn't ask Joel about this, but... I think he'd be okay with it. Remember what I said before, about it being about love, not sex? I can prove it to you. Joel never wanted to have sex with me until I was eighteen. I tried and tried and tried to talk him into it and he always said no. Like, for ages. Finally I pretty much forced him to-- shut up, Joel, it's totally true!" She gave him an okay-so-not-really-but-it-just-helps-make-the-argument look. Which was a lot to convey with a look, so she didn't know if she succeeded (and they were a little rusty at this... at the knowing-each-other-by-heart thing), but at least she'd silenced the protest. She turned back to Tommy. "Well... I can't live without Joel. I mean-- yes, literally, I can, like I have been this summer so far... I was totally miserable without him, of course, but yeah.... anyways, if he's living here in town, and I'm living here in town, we have to be together. That's what I mean when I say I can't live without him. There can't be anything separating us -- I just can't allow that. But I can live without... the whole sex part. If that's the... whatchamacallit... the deal breaker? Then--"

Tommy interrupted her with a laugh -- this one stemming at least partly from amusement, it seemed. "How stupid do you think I am?"

"You're not stupid at all! I'm serious!"

"Right. So you're tellin' me... you two are gonna live together, in this house... with the one bed..."

"Yes. Like we did for months, before. Even after we... after things changed... we weren't having sex. Just cuddling and stuff."

"...and stuff?" Tommy echoed.

"You know. Being..."

"Affectionate," Joel supplied.

"Yes! Like, I can't just be his daughter, or his friend... but I can love him without fucking him. Which is all he wanted in the first place! He never wanted to start having sex with me." She shot Joel another look, warning him not to protest that; thankfully, he seemed content to let her paint this picture the way she wanted to. "Tommy, I swear -- and Joel will swear, too. Right, Joel? As long as we're together, the sex doesn't matter."

Tommy chuckled. "Oh, I have no doubt y'all can swear to it. Joel here -- he can look me in the eye an' swear nothin's goin' on, an' not mean a word of it. He's done it a few times already. I don't see how this time would be any different. As for you... I think you might actually mean it. Maybe your intentions are good. But then when it comes down to it, eventually you won't be able to keep your word. Then we'll be back to square one, with both of you lyin' to me again."

"No, it wouldn't be like that!" Ellie cried, desperate to make him believe her. "I really do--"

Tommy held up his hand again. "What's the alternative? If you have to be together, like you say... would you keep livin' with Maria'n'me? You'n'Joel in separate rooms?"

No! FUCK THAT! But Ellie waited for Joel to answer this one. If he agreed to do that, she would go along with it...

Joel didn't even look at her for a cue as to how to answer. "We can't live with you. Not... given the way you feel about... our relationship. So, the alternative is we leave town. I really don't want to do that... for lots of reasons. But we can make it out there. We've done it before, we can do it again."

Tommy absorbed that for a moment, then looked at her. "You agree, I take it?"

Ellie nodded. "I would rather be with him, wherever he is, than live here without him. So yeah... and if you try to separate us, you already know that won't work. If you truly care about my safety, you'll let us stay here together." If a guilt trip was what it took to convince him, she'd fucking give him a guilt trip!

An uncomfortable silence settled over them. Ellie could see the wheels spinning in Tommy's head... she just couldn't tell what answer they were spinning toward. Should I keep talking? I could totally come up with more reasons he should let us stay... she looked at Joel, and he gave her a small smile. Squeezed her hand. She wanted to hug him so bad right now... but it wasn't the time for that. And just that little smile and squeeze... the look in his eye... she had all the reassurance she needed. We're going to be okay. No matter what.

"I'm gonna have to talk to Maria," Tommy said finally. "She wanted to come, but..."

"Of course," Joel replied.

After all that... we still don't know? "Okay but can you tell us what you've decided on so far?" she had to ask. "Or... we could go to your house and talk to her? All of us together?"

Tommy shook his head. "She's puttin' Grayson down for the night, an' she'll be ready to go herself right after. Tomorrow would be better."

"Okay -- tomorrow. So... what are you thinking?" she asked again.

"I'm thinkin'... I don't like this," Tommy said sourly. "I am not okay with it. Be that as it may... you two are so goddamn determined to be together, regardless of where you're at. And I think I'd rather have you here than... not. I've thought about this -- ever since you left, Joel, I've had it in the back of my mind... what do I do if he comes back an' they still wanna be together? Turnin' you out... it wouldn't accomplish a damn thing. Would I sleep better at night, knowin' I took a stand an' stuck to my guns? I doubt it... 'cause all of that would be offset by havin' to worry about you two, out there. Out there... in danger... when you don't have to be. That's what I'm thinkin'. I'm thinkin'... you win."

Ellie hadn't even realized she'd been holding her breath until she let it out, a big grin tugging at her face but not quite daring to emerge. "Really? You mean it? We can stay?"

"Like I said, I need to discuss it with Maria, but she knows how I feel -- what I just told you. We've talked about it some. She was kinda holdin' out hope that you'd be fine with separate bedrooms, in our house. But that don't seem to be in the cards, so... yes. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay. Just... be discreet. Don't rub our faces in it, or shout it from the rooftops--"

"Thank you, Tommy!" Ellie launched herself off her chair and practically over the table to give Tommy a fierce hug. "Thank you thank you thank you! You won't be sorry! We'll be so discreet that it burns! I'll babysit any time you guys want! And I'll come over all the time and help out with stuff still -- more than I did before cuz now I'm happy again!"

Tommy hugged her back, chuckling. "All right, all right... calm down..."

"Thank you, baby brother. I really appreciate this."

We're safe! There was no way Maria would be the one to kick them out; regardless of how she felt about Joel, Ellie felt confident that Maria loved her too much to banish them. Ellie pulled back and stood in front of Tommy awkwardly. "Seriously... thank you. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you. I was just... upset about Joel being gone and everything..."

"I know, honey. I understand. Apology accepted. We've loved havin' you around the house. You can come by any time." Tommy glanced at Joel. "Both of you. The door's always open."

Ellie smiled. "Unlocked, you mean. You don't have a screen door so if you leave it open then all the flies and mosquitoes get in."

Joel and Tommy both chuckled at that, although Ellie hadn't even said anything particularly funny. "Are you guys gonna start ganging up on me again?" she complained good-naturedly.

"You bet your ass we are," Joel smirked.

"Fine," she huffed, grinning slyly at Tommy. "As long as you keep telling me embarrassing Joel stories from when you guys were young, it's all good."

"He's run out of those by now," said Joel.

"You wish!" Ellie and Tommy said at the same time.

It was so nice to laugh with them again! Just when she thought her heart couldn't possibly swell up any bigger, she felt a surge of love for Tommy. Even though I've been so awful to him, he still loves me... if he didn't, he would've just kicked them out and not looked back rather than suffer the discomfort of living with what he (so wrongly) perceived as some kind of gross perversion. And really, his whole issue with her and Joel stemmed from his love for her. She would never understand how he couldn't just fucking see how much they cared about each other... how good and beneficial and consensual it was. For whatever reason, he was blind to it, and it was obviously difficult for him to concede here... but he did it anyway. She had a new appreciation for him, and she could tell Joel did, too.

The conversation that followed was much more pleasant. Since Ellie had the farm in the morning, it was decided that Joel would go to the house then... to talk to Maria (which Ellie knew was just a formality), and talk about work schedules (more proof that the Maria thing was just a formality, because otherwise, why would Tommy even bring that up?). They eventually said good night to Tommy... made sure to lock the fucking door behind him...

...and then Ellie turned to Joel, beaming. "Did that really just happen?" And we're finally alone again!

He engulfed her in his arms and kissed her sweetly. "I believe it did, yes. Though I'd hardly call that a ringin' endorsement."

"I don't care what kind of sound it makes -- we're together!" she cried, kissing him excitedly. Her lips parted to receive his tongue. Fuck YEAH, I've missed these tinglies-down-to-my-toes kisses... but-- "Shit -- did we actually swear off sex? We didn't, right? Like, that wasn't a condition of us staying or anything..."

"Mm... you kinda did, yeah. But I sure as hell didn't," he said -- with the most delightfully evil twinkle in his eye!

"Oh! Thank God. What was I thinking?" she giggled.

"You were thinkin'... that you'll do whatever it takes to get what you want. The end always justifies the means."

She cringed inwardly, wondering if he was referring to her Big Lie...

"Or," he continued, "did Tommy have the right of it? Did you actually mean it?"

So he DOESN'T think I'm nothing but a big fat liar after all! The truth was... Ellie had blurted it out without thinking about anything other than winning Tommy over. Not unlike what she'd done with Joel that horrible day. Like... she was willing to swear to anything she had to, but she would decide later if she actually intended to stand by her words or not. Which was certainly not an honorable thing to do. She didn't want to be the sort of person who did that. But... I guess I am? Whatever -- no harm in letting Joel think the best of me, is there? She smiled. "I did mean it. All I want is to be with you -- here, where we're safe and have a nice soft bed... and hot showers... cold milk... beef stew, and bread -- and everything else that I love about Jackson. Our friends... family... stuff to do besides figuring out where our next meal is coming from. And staying at Tommy and Maria's... with you there too, I mean... it would just be torture if I can't touch you... and kiss you..." She kissed him to punctuate that. "To be close to you. In every way possible."

He nuzzled her cheek... started walking them backwards toward the bedroom... "Ain't that what sex is? The closest way possible?"

"Yes... but I remember I was really, really happy being with you, before we did any of that sex stuff. Like... I don't need your dick inside me to feel loved. You know?"

He had already managed to undo her shorts, nearly making her trip as they fell to her ankles. He grazed his hand over the exposed silky fabric of her pajamas. "Sure. And you... wouldn't've felt at all tempted by... anythin' I might do..."

"Nope!" she giggled, delighted at his naughty tone as well as his wandering hands. "I would've said 'sorry, Joel, we're not allowed'..."

"Then Tommy did have the right of it: good intentions... ultimate failure."

I love that wicked smile he has! "Hey, how do you know I would fail? It would be fun teasing you. I used to do it all the time!"

"Except you'd also be teasin' yourself, this time. That's somethin' that you... you don't suffer it gladly."

"Maybe I wouldn't have to! Maybe you'd finally get your wish -- I could just touch myself while you do nothing but sit there and-- Eeeek!" she shrieked when he suddenly threw her down on the bed.

He climbed on top of her, smirking. "I never said I'd do nothin' but sit there."

She settled herself beneath him comfortably... legs coiled around his waist, arms around his neck... he's finally HOME. It just hit her again, like it had at random times over the past few hours. She shifted an arm down to his back so she could hug his lower half even closer to hers. "Guess you're not too tired from the road after all, huh? Or..." She snaked a hand around to his fly.

"No, you're right... he's gettin' there. He missed you."

"I missed him, too! Almost as much as I missed you."

"Is that right? I think he mighta... taken offense, when you said you didn' need him inside you, just now..."

She giggled. "It was a lie! All lies! I neeeeeed you inside me!"

His wicked smile softened into a more adoring one. "I missed you, too. I missed this. Just... bein' close. Hearin' you giggle like that. The two of us together... just enjoyin' each other."

Aww! "We're going to enjoy the fuck out of each other every day from now on."

"Hell yes we are. Especially since now we don't have to wonder where our next meal is comin' from, like you said."

"Well... we still do... there's like zero food in this house." What little she'd left behind two months ago, she had since consumed over the course of her 'escape' visits to the house -- after guitar sessions, mainly.

"You're right. Big decision tomorrow night. Do we eat at Tommy an' Maria's? The farm? Here, if we go to the store?"

"Huge decision, yes! I say... why don't we go to the store, after I'm done with work... get some of the basic stuff... what did you call that? The basics?"

"Staples."

"Staples! Yeah -- so we have the option to eat here. But if Tommy or Maria like... specifically invite us for dinner, that's a good thing, so we should go there."

"Good call, boss."

Ha! She still loved it when he called her that. "I'm very smart," she informed him.

"You are," he agreed.

The bedroom was pretty dark now, with just the light spilling in from the hall, but Ellie could make out Joel's expression well enough to know that he'd gotten serious all of a sudden. "Joel... if you wanna talk, or like... go slow? It's cool. Whatever you need."

He kissed her softly. "Know what I really wanna do right now?"

"What? Name it and we'll do it!"

He shifted his lips over to her neck. "I just wanna make love to you. All night. Nice'n'slow."

Yes! He already had her shivering and quivering and aching for more... but in such a pleasant way that she wouldn't mind if it lasted all night. And it reminded her-- "That sounds amazing... and remember how when we were first... like this... you said you had to kiss all my freckles? Plus all the spaces in between them? I wanna do that to you."

Joel chuckled. "I don't got nearly as many--"

"So, it's more spaces, then -- same thing!" She worked his shirt up...

...and he obligingly lifted his arms to remove it altogether, then started unbuttoning her shirt (or, rather, another shirt of his -- the one she happened to be wearing!). "Mmm... maybe another time. I don't think I have the patience for that right now."

"But you just said--"

"I know what I said." His lips grazed her cleavage. "But if I let you do that..."

She giggle-groaned. "I'll skip certain places if you want. Jeez!"

"Thank you -- but I was thinkin' more like... if I let you do that, it means I can't kiss you, that whole time. Like this. Can't feel how soft you are... can't taste you..."

Ellie couldn't help thinking naughty thoughts at that last part, although she felt like Joel meant it innocently in this instance. Mmmm YES... she arched her back when he nudged her pajama top aside to plant his mouth over her nipple. "Uhhh... I mean... you still could... like, after..." His hand was slowly running up and down her leg (she was so glad she'd shaved them earlier!), lingering in her groin area teasingly before repeating the motion... I'm going to melt right into this bed if he keeps this up!

He lapped and sucked at her nipple another moment before replying. "You had a good point before, though... 'bout how I should consider what you want, more often... so if you want me to stop doin' what I'm doin'..."

"Don't you dare!" she breathed. "Don't stop."

He kissed back over to the middle (and Ellie knew he was going to repeat his ministrations with her other breast). "Yes, ma'am... I reckon I have to relearn you first."

"What? Ha -- it hasn't been that long..."

"Yes it has. You mighta grew some new freckles by now."

She couldn't help giggling at that one. "Well, you might wanna turn on the light, then, cuz it's too dark to even see them."

He circled her nipple with his tongue. "I can see you jus' fine this way. Besides, I look better in the dark."

Oh man... "Joel -- seriously -- if this is about your ear--"

"No, I've always looked better in the dark."

"Ugh -- okay -- come up here for a second!" She tugged him upwards, and he immediately captured her mouth in a kiss.

She giggled but sobered quickly. "Just -- I love you."

"I know."

"And I don't care about your stupid ear!"

"I know that, too."

"Or anything else about how you look -- trust me, it is the last thing I think about when I'm with you. Especially like this."

"All right." He tried to kiss her again.

"I feel like you don't believe me, though!" she protested. "And it's not just cuz I love you -- I mean I'm super attracted to you -- which means you're fucking hot, okay? I can't stand you thinking that just cuz you're not super young... I mean, it would be weird if you were, actually! I think I'd be all grossed out if you were young and like... just, eww. Cuz it wouldn't be you!"

"Calm down," he chuckled. "I meant it more like... what we've discussed before. Dudes are gross, girls are pretty. I'm fine with you bein' the pretty one. More than fine with it."

"Okay, but... just so you know. You're not gross to me, and... the only reason I'd avoid your ear right now is cuz it's healing, and probably doesn't need my spit all over that area. Ha -- not to be gross or anything!" She let him kiss her this time.

"You're cute. And thank you for that. ...Maybe I'll grow my hair out a little so it don't look quite so bad."

She couldn't imagine that not annoying him, though. She ran her hands through his hair, pausing over his scalp to massage it. "Hey, maybe you can start a new style -- long on that side, short on the other?"

"Oh yes, that sounds like it would make me look much better. ...I like what you're doin' up there, though..."

She sighed happily. "This is what I've missed. Just making you feel good... you making me feel good... no sex required."

"Me, too." He nuzzled her cheek and let his hand fall to rest... riiiiiiiiight where her groin met her inner thigh.

Ellie tried not to let that hand distract her from what she wanted to tell him. "I love being able to talk to you again... and kiss and cuddle and stuff... I just love how we are. You know? Like this. Finally together... right where we wanna be... no space between us." That space -- the separation -- had already become imbued with a strange surreality in Ellie's mind... we are NEVER going back to that. NO WAY.

"Mm." His thumb traced her pantyline teasingly while his lips caressed her neck.

Ooooo... "But, um... if you feel like you have to relearn me... and, you know -- taste me and all that..."

She could feel him grinning. "That'd be all right with you?"

"Totally all right with me."

EPILOGUE

"Joel, I'm fine -- really!"

"Just humor me then. Sit here for a--"

"But I'm gonna be late!"

"So be it. They'll live."

"Ugh-- Joel, seriously--"

"Seriously -- they'll live. Drink your water."

Ellie could see there was no arguing with him. She dutifully drank from the glass he had fetched for her, willing her body to quit being weird -- to quit making him worry for no reason. "They'll live, sure, but some of the kids will cry if I don't show up. Maybe it seems dumb, but the little ones -- they look forward to it, you know? I can't just--"

"I ain't tryin' to tell you not to go. Just... wait until the color returns to your face first? And let me walk you over there. Just in case."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Doctor Joel. It's probably growing pains. Maybe I'm finally getting taller!"

"Mm. I think you're a little old for that, but... maybe."

She had mostly been joking anyway; the dizziness was most likely a result of standing up too fast, same as last time. It just sucked that Joel happened to witness it, because he had proceeded to turn it into a big thing.

He continued to study her with concern. "I wish you would eat somethin'. You can't do all that farm work an' go horseback ridin' on... practically nothin', it sounds like."

"I told you -- I ate plenty."

"Just not for lunch."

She had been waking up early this week for some reason. Early enough to make it to the farm in time for breakfast, leaving Joel to sleep in for another hour or two (even though he'd been back Inside for a while now, Ellie figured he was still making up for lost sleep). So it wasn't like she hadn't eaten all day -- and she'd had a healthy serving of eggs and bacon, not just a little oatmeal or toast. I probably should've just lied and told him I ate a big lunch... she honestly hadn't felt hungry at lunchtime. Still didn't feel hungry. But she took another sip of water, just to humor Joel. You can't be annoyed with him for CARING, she reminded herself.

In the weeks that had followed Joel's return to Jackson, Ellie and Joel had settled back into a routine pretty similar to their old one. It was almost like those two-plus-months apart had never happened.

...Almost.

It wasn't that Ellie didn't trust Joel not to leave again. He seemed to expect her not to trust him, but he was wrong! She believed that he had no intention of leaving her. But that was the thing: intentions didn't always matter. The world didn't give a shit about what you wanted to happen. And now that Ellie had had a taste of life without Joel...

Except she also hadn't. Not yet. The whole time they were apart, Joel had been out there, going about his days, thinking of her... loving her... looking forward to being with her again. (Granted, she hadn't realized it at the time, but it was true all the same.) He had been out there, scratching his side if it itched... pissing in the bushes when he had to go... laying his head down when it was time to sleep. Just normal everyday human things that people did when they were alive. -Oh, plus robbing fucking trains! Ellie would have loved to have seen that! She knew it was dangerous as fuck, but it sounded awesome, the way Joel described it. Anyway... it wasn't exactly a revelation to her that Joel would most likely di-- NO -- not THAT word -- he'll GO SIX FEET UNDER -- before she did. She knew she had to just... not dwell on it. That's easier said than done sometimes!

Ellie knew she could physically live without him. She did not need Joel to put air in her lungs or food in her belly, after all. She didn't even need him to give her life purpose -- the town did that. And when she couldn't find solace in her work or the other people around her that she loved, there was the guitar. Maybe... maybe even the ocean again, someday. Life offered various means of coping, as long as she could muster the strength to seek them out. Time did have a way of dulling even the sharpest of pains. She knew all this. And yet... somehow, the thought of living in the world without Joel had become even more completely unbearable than it ever had been.

Joel could preach all he wanted about how they were two separate people, but it didn't feel that way to Ellie. Now more than ever, she was convinced that Joel was an extension of herself. ...Or I'm an extension of him? Cuz he's older? Whatever-- It wasn't that she couldn't tolerate being apart from him for a few hours during the course of a regular day. 'Tolerate' wasn't even the right word -- she was fine with it. She was happy again, so she enjoyed things again. Even if those things didn't involve Joel.

But whenever there was any space between them -- even when she knew where he was and when she would see him next -- there was just this tiny morsel of fear lodged in her soul. Fear of the unknown. Fear that anything can happen. Fear that so much of what went on in the world was outside of her very small realm of control.

And Joel... he got it. He understood. When he gently kissed her tears away after they made love for the first time since his return, and the only explanation she could offer was "I love you soooo much"... he knew that she was trying to say so much more. Even when it happened again, and she managed to convey her feelings slightly more coherently, she didn't have to say much at all before he was finishing the thoughts for her. Because he felt the exact same way -- there was always a part of him that felt uneasy when they weren't together. Maybe it was paranoia... maybe the anxiety would ease up with the passage of time... but more and more, Ellie felt like it was just the way things were. It wasn't just because they loved each other. She loved Tommy and Maria, and Grayson... and Annie... Esther... Clicker (even if she was keeping her distance)... Spirit... Max -- and even people she wasn't that close to, she felt love for at times! If she were to spend any amount of time thinking about losing them, it would upset her. But she didn't feel unwarranted concern for them if she wasn't in the same room as them. She didn't feel like a part of her would be missing forever if they were to disappear from the Earth.

So she really couldn't fault Joel for... being concerned, when she had actually given him a physical reason to be. Still, she didn't want to keep the kids at the library waiting! "I promise you, I feel fine now," she assured him. "Do I look okay to you? Can I go? You can walk me over there and sit in the audience to stare at me the whole time if it would make you feel better. Okay?"

He smiled. "I might take you up on that. But... in a minute. I wanted to ask you somethin'."

"Okay -- one minute." She waited expectantly... and he just looked at her. She finished her glass of water and set it on the coffee table (which still had not ever had coffee served on it)... and he still didn't ask her anything. "Soooooo... what did you want to ask me?"

"Your color seems to be back. That's good."

"...That's not a question." But she was glad to hear she looked normal again!

"Right. Just... you really should've gotten your period by now... I assume you still haven't, today... since you haven't said anythin' about it..."

Ellie squirmed. "Um... maybe we're remembering it wrong? Maybe it hasn't been long enough since--"

"That's what you said before, and you said you were gonna check your calendar. Only you keep... forgettin' to check it. Is that right?"

"Yeah... sorry... I still haven't checked." She hadn't exactly forgotten, just... she was scared to look? Things were going so well for them now -- there hadn't been any rocks thrown through their window or nasty rumors flying around town (at least, not that Ellie was aware of!)... Tommy and Maria had more or less quietly accepted their relationship. She and Joel were together and happy as fuck, and Ellie was perfectly fine with waiting until she was eighteen -- or even older -- to start making babies with him.

"Why don't you check right now before you--"

"I don't have time! I'm already late! Since you're making me sit here--"

"Ellie, it would only take a second an' you know it. I think you just... you know it's been too long. You don't wanna confirm it."

She sighed. "Can we talk about this later? You said it yourself -- I look fine now. I get dizzy sometimes. Like, barely ever -- it's been months since the last time. Everyone gets dizzy once in a while. And we already know that last time, it didn't mean anything, so--"

"Maybe it didn't last time, no, but we ain't talkin' about bein' dizzy now: we're talkin' about the Red River. Which could mean somethin.' "

"But it won't! We've been careful. We barely even have sex anymore!"

Joel arched an eyebrow at that. "Uh... since when does almost daily amount to barely even?"

"I mean-- yeah, we have it sometimes, but... we're careful." She couldn't think of any close calls they'd had lately. And she had noticed Joel was even more careful than before when it came to multiple rounds. Like... it wasn't even that he would go wash himself off in between. Now he thought it would be best if they both did, in case there was any... lingering jizz, basically. He wouldn't even offer to use his fingers otherwise. If it was late at night and they were already cozy in bed, they usually just decided to forgo Round Two, opting to remain cozy rather than go get all cleaned up. So it really didn't make sense for her to be pregnant!

But she was still scared to check her calendar. Because she knew she wasn't usually this late -- especially when she was Inside, on a regular eating and sleeping schedule and not all stressed out, generally-speaking. And she had been feeling a little... off, maybe? The waking up early... the not being hungry, sometimes... but I don't feel SICK.

"I can check it for you," Joel offered. "It's the one you keep in your bag, right? I'll just--"

"You know I don't like you going through my stuff," Ellie groaned. "Fine -- I'll check it. If I'm allowed to get off this couch now?"

"You're allowed. Just take it slow."

Ellie resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him again. "Okay, one sec..."

It was actually more like twenty seconds -- aaaaaand, date verified. Fuck...

She could see the hope drain from Joel's face the moment he read the expression on hers. "Well?" he prompted her.

"Okay so... it's possible I marked the day wrong last time..."

"But if you didn't? How many days late are you?"

She cringed. "Sixteen." Ellie flopped back down on the couch next to Joel; she didn't know what number he'd been expecting or hoping for, but she knew this one was bad. "So, now what?"

"So... now you go see the kids and... try not to worry about it."

She gave him a Look.

"I'm serious. There's nothin' you can do about it right now. Maybe we oughta take you to the clinic. See if you have low blood sugar, or if you're anemic or somethin'--"

"What? Fuck that! You really want them drawing my blood and doing tests on it and stuff? Didn't we already decide that's a bad idea?!"

"...Right. Maybe... we just make sure you eat better. Just in case."

"Just in case I'm pregnant?" There -- she said it!

"Because you had another dizzy spell. But... that too." Joel frowned. "Before... when you told me you were... you said Maria had tests in her bathroom. Did you just... was that true? Or not?"

"Yes! She does! Want me to steal one? I know where they are! Unless she's used them all up -- God, I hope she hasn't -- she'd prob'ly get more though, right? I know she and Tommy wanna have more kids so it seems like she might wanna keep some around. I'll go over there right now! I can just offer to change Grayson's diaper next time he needs it and--"

"Whoa-- no, I wasn't thinkin' right this second. Maybe just... next time we're over there, yeah?"

"Oh. Right. Yeah, okay." But Ellie was suddenly consumed with the desire to know right this second!

Joel seemed to realize this, and he was clearly amused by it. "A minute ago you didn't even wanna check your calendar to make sure we weren't just figurin' it wrong. Now you--"

"I know, okay? Just-- don't you wanna fucking know? One way or the other. Like... how am I even gonna be able to think about anything else?!"

"Easy. You go to the library, you pick up a book, and you start readin' to all those eager little faces."

Ellie groaned. "But the whole time I'm gonna be wondering! I mean... I can't be. Right? We've been super careful!"

"I feel like we have, yes. So, most likely, you ain't. You're just late. It happens." He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear -- a touch that made her shiver, even though she didn't think he intended it to. "But right now, you're gonna be late for storytime if we don't start headin' over there. You ready?"

She had to laugh. "How can you be so calm right now? I just told you I'm sixteen days late. Which is... way outside my usual window of lateness."

"It still don't mean you're pregnant. But... if you are, we'll handle it. Together. I promise you... everything will be okay. Either way. You need to know that. ...All right?"

She didn't know how he could say that when obviously it very much wouldn't be okay if she got pregnant prior to turning eighteen. FUCK... I was finally cool with NOT being disappointed about not being pregnant... and now this?! I'm already kinda starting to hope that I AM... except UGH, no I'm NOT... I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT! Not hoping -- and not pregnant. Big NOPE to both.

"Ellie?" Joel was waiting for her to acknowledge his reassurances.

She looked at him -- at this man who loved her more than anyone ever had in her entire life... a man who had done nothing but prove that to her since he'd returned -- and she knew he was right. Everything would be fine, as long as they were together. I believe him! She gave him a little smile. "Okay."

~

Author's Note: Okay, I know what you're thinking... (well, some of you)... you're shaking your first at me and screaming HOW CAN YOU END IT WITH A FREAKING CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT?!?! But it's not meant to be a cliffhanger. It's just open-ended! The "is she or isn't she" thing was a recurring theme in this story that I couldn't resist playing with one last time. Since I don't have any plans to do a Part 4 of this series, I will leave it up to YOU to decide for yourself. (I did want to leave myself enough leeway to potentially pick it up from here someday and not have too much difficulty steering things in another direction if needed, but yeah, no immediate plans.) A big thank you to everyone who stuck with this story 'til the end. I hope you enjoyed it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it ♥

"Singularity" Chapter 48: "Known by Heart" [48/49]

2022-12-07T13:02:35Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 48: "Known by Heart" [48/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,646
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

They were going to head over to Tommy and Maria's...

...but ultimately decided that the shitshow could wait.

Joel kind of just wanted to go home -- to their house. His and Ellie's. But he was also ravenous, and Esther had invited the two of them over for dinner. They had to bring Spirit back down there anyway (assuming the horse was willing to part with Ellie; Joel couldn't blame him if he wasn't), as well as pick up the shit Joel had left there earlier. He reckoned that Esther would be perceptive enough not to grill him about his whereabouts beyond the initial polite inquiry, and this would be a good time to hear about what they'd all been up to in the past couple of months -- namely, what Ellie had been up to that they hadn't bothered to discuss previously.

And it had gone pretty much like that. Joel was truly sorry to have missed the play, and he vowed to cheer Ellie on at the next one when she landed the lead role (he did not, however, revisit her Romeo and Juliet idea). Ellie had apparently decided she wanted nothing to do with the next play, after he left... but now she said she would "think about it." In general, Esther and Annie and even Esther's other kid, Will, all said that they saw a difference in Ellie already, at dinner: she was more like her old self, now that he was back. It saddened him to think of her becoming a muted version of herself in his absence, like a shadow of the real deal... but it was understandable. At least she hadn't shut down completely.

Now they were just about home, and Joel was bracing himself to find Tommy parked on their doorstep, if not inside the house. Surely word had reached him by now (Joel hadn't even attempted to speak to him from the gate). The security lights flicked on as they approached -- from behind, since they were coming from the farm; there were lights mounted on all sides of the house. "Glad those are still workin'," Joel remarked, as he'd had some trouble with the back side. "You said you've been here a few times, yeah?"

"...A few. Or more."

Joel frowned at all the weeds they had to plow through to get around front. Either the grounds crew had been slacking off, or no one gave a shit about upkeep with the house temporarily unoccupied. "Christ... this is worse than I've ever seen it. Did you tell Tommy?" Who, Joel was pleased to note, was not on their porch. No lights on inside, so unless he was lying in wait to ambush them or some shit, they were in the clear.

Ellie shrugged. "It's just weeds. Who cares? The ones with the yellow flowers are pretty."

Joel snorted. "No they ain't. Tomorrow I'm gonna hunt down either a weed whacker or a goat." He waited at the door for Ellie to produce her key.

"Ha -- I can bring a goat home with me tomorrow." She sighed happily and turned to Joel. "Home. We're really home! Both of us! ...But shit -- I don't have all my stuff! Can I borrow your razor? And your toothbrush?"

He chuckled. "We can go up to the house an' get yours."

"But not tonight! I don't wanna hear their bullshit tonight. Okay so I guess I could just use your mouthwash, cuz I know you don't like it when I use your toothbrush -- but I do need a razor! I didn't know you were coming and I haven't shaved in like... a week, I think? Maybe longer?"

He chuckled. "I don't care about that. Didn't bring any mouthwash with me, though."

"But you do have a razor? That's more important."

"I just told you--"

"You do, right? Your neck's not all scruffy so I know you shaved!"

Yes, he had wanted to look... presentable when he saw her again. The disfigured ear notwithstanding. He couldn't help being a little leaner... or the bags under his eyes... the new creases in his brow he swore weren't there when he'd left... but he could damn well keep control of his facial hair, for the most part. "Guilty as charged. All right, if you insist..."

"I do!"

While she attended to her grooming in the bathroom, Joel checked all the windows and made sure all the curtains were drawn. He also checked that the front door was locked, no less than three times. Because I'll be damned if I let my brother walk in on us again! Not that there would be anything to walk in on, necessarily. That's right... I better make sure Ellie knows that. Just in case.

He noticed the guitar was leaned up against her crate-nightstand, and her notebook was laying there. Open. It looked like the same one he'd gotten for her when they first came to town and she'd been all entranced with the music collection at the library -- she would make notes in there about bands and songs she liked. He was pretty sure she had since decided it was too childish or something, whatever she'd been recording in it; recently, he'd only seen her use it to store her calendar pages. Now it lay open to a page with what appeared to be a poem on it, or possibly lyrics... and a lot of scribbly marks. Things she'd crossed out and rewritten.

Joel was curious, but he didn't want to violate her privacy by reading the open page or flipping through the thing. She obviously hadn't been expecting him to come home today, or she might have put that away. He made himself comfortable, stripping down to his underwear and slipping into the jammy pants that were still in the dresser drawer where he'd left them. They were cleaner than the sweatpants he'd taken with him on the road. He sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard... and continued to resist the temptation to have a look-see at that book.

It don't look like a diary entry, the way she wrote it... is she trying to play some of those songs by ear? Maybe she had wanted to sing along and had to refer to the notebook for the lyrics she didn't know by heart. They didn't have any sheet music handy, so Joel had just been teaching her what he had in his head; maybe she was now able to apply it to other songs. Just knowing that she'd been practicing gave him the itch to play a little himself. He reached over and pulled the guitar up onto the bed... strummed it... the E is a little flat, but she must be keeping it in tune, for the most--

Ellie came flying into the room, clad in only her bra and panties. "What the fuck are you doing!" she yelled at him. "Did you look at anything in here?!"

Amused, he held his hands up, removing them from the guitar like he'd just been doing something indecent. "By 'anything,' I assume you mean that notebook right there?"

She snatched up the offending notebook and clutched it to her chest, glaring at him. "What did you see?"

"Nothin'. I swear. I noticed it, of course... but I didn' know if you'd want me lookin' at it, so... I guess I got the answer to that one now."

"You better not be lying," she scowled.

"Would I lie about--"

"Yes!"

He chuckled. "Didn't we jus' say we were gonna be honest with each other from here on out?"

"That doesn't mean you wouldn't lie about this."

She is just too damn cute. "You really have that little faith in me? Hm? C'mere..."

"No -- I'm almost done -- just... close your eyes for a second. Until I get back to the bathroom."

"Uh... why? Ain't like I've never seen--"

"Just do it!"

He closed his eyes. Covered them with his hand, even, just for show. He heard a drawer open, then close. Heard the bathroom door shut.

Obviously, she had grabbed something to change into. He assumed her regular nightclothes were still at Tommy and Maria's, so tonight's attire was bound to be the sexy nightie she hadn't bothered to bring over there. He would act reasonably surprised when she returned.

The notebook had either accompanied her to the bathroom or been put away in that drawer. Shit -- maybe that's all she was doing? Hiding it from me? As if he couldn't just go search each drawer now that she was gone. As much as he liked to mess with her sometimes, Joel wouldn't be a dick about something she obviously felt very strongly about. He would busy himself with tuning the guitar while he waited.

Ellie was only gone another minute or so. "Think that's it," he mused to himself, strumming a couple in-tune chords before looking up. "Whoa..."

She grinned and did a little twirl in the doorway. "You like?"

It didn't look like lingerie, exactly... more like sexy pajamas: a nearly-sleeveless top with a swoopy neckline and obscenely-short shorts, in a rich emerald green color that looked fantastic on her. "I do. You look... ... mm." It came out more like a grunt than a word.

"I look 'mm'?" she giggled.

"Yes. Where'd you go -- Sophie's closet?"

She picked up the notebook off the dresser; she must have set it down before twirling for him, because Joel was sure she hadn't left him alone in the room with it. "No -- I mean, yeah, but her drawers, not her closet, and there was nothing good left, so I went to the actual store -- I wanted something nice for when you came home."

Aww. "Well, you look very--"

"I just tuned that yesterday, you know," she interrupted defensively. "I tune it pretty much every time I play."

"It wasn't bad," he acknowledged. "But that's why you do wanna tune it a lot. 'Cause it'll go off just a lil' bit, pretty quick. That's good that you can do it by ear." Nothing against those little battery-operated gizmos that helped you tune -- they'd had one at Golden Sands -- but he'd tried to teach Ellie not to rely on that, since they didn't have one here. He could probably hunt one down or put in a request for one, but he felt she had a good enough ear to do it by hand.

Now she was looking around... trying to find a place to put the damn notebook. She settled on the floor of the closet.

"I ain't gonna read it if you don't want me to, kiddo."

She slid the closet door shut. "I know. Still needs to go somewhere -- for now."

He didn't think that she did know that, actually, but he wouldn't belabor the point. He set the guitar aside and pulled her close as soon as she finally ventured within his reach. "You're even prettier than I remember," he told her; he needed to compliment her more often, since he never had managed to convince her it was true (and besides, hadn't he just vowed to tell her every hour from here on out?).

She smiled, settling into his arms happily. "Prettier than you remember from a minute ago?" she teased.

"Yes. Definitely. You get prettier by the minute. Unlike myself. I just get uglier an' uglier as--"

"Stop!" She swatted him. "If you're talking about your ear... it's not ugly. It's just... not there? Part of it! The rest of it is... still gorgeous..." But she giggled a little when she said it.

"Sure it is." He let her inspect it, since he'd been careful to keep her on his other side and she hadn't seen it much up close. The soft bedroom lighting probably hides the worst of it... natural light tended to make things look worse. "What happened to us not lyin' anymore?"

"I'm not lying!" she lied. "The wound needs to heal, obviously, but this bottom part here is fine..."

He could tell she was fixing to kiss it... he jerked away. "Come over to the other side. C'mon."

"I wasn't gonna touch the injured part," she protested, but she did crawl over him when he started yanking her in that direction. "Joel, I'm not grossed out by it or anything. Nothing about you could ever gross me out."

Oh, Joel could think of a few things that definitely would, but he would keep those to himself. He smiled at her fondly. "That's real sweet. Thank you."

She kissed him just as sweetly. "I love you. ...I still kind of can't believe you're back."

He caressed her cheek. "I'll never leave you again. I know I've said it before... and you've got no reason to think that this time is any different..."

"I believe you."

He couldn't tell if she was lying or not; he suspected she might be lying to herself. "It's okay if you don't."

"I do!" She furrowed her brow, though, like she was reconsidering. "I mean... the happy part of me does? The other part... the one that reminds me the only person you can really count on is yourself... it's always been there, you know? It's not any worse now than it was before. Because... you came back. Even after what I did... you still love me. I can tell -- I can see it in your eyes. And you're still... petting me and stuff, like... It's more than I deserve."

"No, don't-- don't think like that." It was understandable, but he hated that she felt that way. In Joel's eyes, she deserved more than he could ever give her. Can I get through to her? Or is it one of those things that's just going to take time? "I think we both have to accept that... we hurt each other. We made mistakes. But we've learned from 'em... and our intentions were always good. We never hurt each other on purpose."

"What I did was worse," she said quietly, eyes downcast.

"No. It wasn't. I understand why you did it. Why you thought it would work."

She chuckled bitterly. "Yeah -- because I was stupid?"

"No -- you ain't stupid at all. You took your cue from me. I've told you time and again that I don't want kids. You've seen how... relieved I am, whenever you get your period. Why wouldn't you assume that... that I'd be happy when you lost it? That things would just go back to normal."

This seemed to surprise her. "That's not what you... I mean... before, you felt like I thought of you as some kind of monster. Right? Like you couldn't believe I didn't realize you'd be upset."

"I s'pose I did, at first. But that wasn't fair. You took the facts you had... an' came to a logical conclusion."

She looked up at him then, and her eyes were moist. "I really really wanted it to be true -- when I saw that you did want it -- I should've just told you the truth right away. Before it like... had a chance to hurt more."

He smoothed her hair back. "You were too scared I'd leave. So you tried to fix it. I under--"

"Yeah, you mean fix it by fucking your brains out? Pfff. Real smart plan. Oh, and yeah -- in case you were wondering -- no, I'm not pregnant. I got my period like a week after you left. The second time you left, I mean."

"I... figured you would've told me by now if you were, yes." Of course he had wondered... but truth be told, he hadn't wondered about it even once since laying eyes on her today. Either he was too intoxicated just being with her again... or he just somehow knew that she wasn't?

She snorted. "Not that you'd believe me. I would have to pee on that stick right in front of you. Gross."

He smiled. "I could look away while you did it."

"No way! Cuz then you'd be wondering if I pulled a different stick out of my ass or something. Like if I stole one from a pregnant--"

"That wouldn't be necessary," he laughed. "Look at it this way. You kind of just... have to trust me when I say I ain't leavin' again, right? Well, I'm trustin' that you will never lie about that again."

"I won't! Besides, maybe I can't even have kids. After all that sex we had, and I still didn't get pregnant? Maybe the Cordyceps fucked up my insides."

That possibility had actually never occurred to Joel. All the time he'd spent agonizing over whether it was fair to stay with Ellie through her most fertile years, possibly depriving her of the chance to have kids after he passed... and it had never once crossed his mind that maybe she couldn't have them anyway. For reasons that had nothing to do with him. We really don't know how it's affected her... her other organs are working just fine... we know the fungus is in her brain, but that works just fine, too... It wasn't like they could just head to the clinic and order up some tests on this shit. Or maybe she couldn't have kids for some other unknown reason. But he didn't want her to worry about any of that. "The timin' has to be... just... perfect, for it to happen. Remember how long Tommy an' Maria were tryin' before she got pregnant? If it was as easy as havin' lots of sex before your period... no one would have any trouble. And plenty of couples do."

"Yeah, I guess. It's so not fair. Then there's Lisa, who gets pregnant by accident and goes to Idaho and has an abortion."

"She's even younger than you are. And the dad's a teenager too, ain't he? Don't judge her for that."

"I'm not! I'm just saying. I wanted to get pregnant, so it's not fair. That's all."

Well, I knew we were going to have to get to this sooner or later, might as well do it now... "Ellie... it's a good thing you weren't. I still don't want kids. I know it's confusin', 'cause I did care about the... when I thought you were..."

"Okay... so you don't want them right now, but don't you think that someday you--"

"I'm only gettin' older."

"...So?!"

"So... it ain't right, to father a kid an' then not be around to--"

"Oh, whatever. You're going to live forever."

"Ellie--"

"Okay, no, listen! Maybe not forever. But I really liked what you said, before." She sat up a little and looked at him, earnest as ever. "First of all, I don't think you asking me to marry you was a mistake. You also said that having a baby was the answer to the how can I live without you question. Because then I'd literally have a part of you still with me, and he or she would need me... and we'd help each other through it and stuff..."

"It's a nice thought, but it ain't a good enough reason to have a kid."

"Why not?! It's the perfect reason! And you did love the fake baby -- you even said so yourself -- so I know you would be a great father to it -- to a real one. For as long as you could. Our kid would have two parents -- two parents who love each other, not ones who are just together because they wanted a kid! -- so how is that not better than... than pretty much every other family out there? Hardly anyone has two parents. Some have zero parents."

Damn, she's really thought hard about this... "That don't mean that... I should be fatherin' kids at my age."

"Yes it does! Your age doesn't matter! Bella was twenty-three when she died -- she didn't have kids, but she could have. Edgar was killed on patrol... he was thirty-one. And that fucking bitch Rochelle was really young -- ugh, how the fuck can you drown your own baby girl?! She never should've had--"

"Obviously she wasn't right in the head." To put it mildly; Joel didn't understand that one himself, and wasn't of a mind to preach compassion to Ellie on the matter. "None of that has anythin' to do with us. With me."

"Yes it does! Because you would be a great parent. The best. I felt so lucky to have you for a dad! And that wasn't even that long ago -- you're barely older now than you were then!"

Joel had to laugh. "You know how messed up that sounds?"

"It's not messed up at all. Things change. And you've changed... Joel, don't you think it means something? The fact that you wanted that baby?"

That's called... making the best out of a bad situation. But he thought it might hurt her feelings, to know that. A considerable portion of him had been freaked out, too, which he'd mostly concealed from her. "Can we switch gears for a minute? We don't even know if we're gonna be stayin' in town. I don' know about you, but I sure as hell don't wanna be tryin' to raise a kid on the Outside."

"Okay so maybe not right now. Like I said -- someday! Like when I'm eighteen! We could live here then. If that's the rule Tommy and Maria don't wanna break, well... no reason to keep us out then, right?"

"All right, so we'll revisit the subject in two years." He could give her that much.

"Not even! A year and eight months. Almost to the day."

"Fine -- twenty months from now."

"Hey... it doesn't sound so far off when you put it like that... like it's just months, not years!"

"Don't be wishin' your life away, kiddo. You'll get there soon enough."

"Whatever. Okay, so we're having kids in two years," she said with finality.

"What?" he laughed. "Since when does revisitin' the subject mean... yes we will?"

"Since now. And you can ask me to marry you anytime in between there."

"Any time? Well, that's very generous of you."

"Hey, you did say you're not leaving! And you already asked once, so."

Actually, he was glad that she could view that whole shotgun proposal business with good humor. A few hours ago, she'd seemed embarrassed to admit she 'would totally say yes next time.' "Not everythin' can be scheduled, you know. As I'm sure you'll remember... sometimes life happens while you're busy makin' other plans."

"Right. Which means... if it happens before..."

He sighed. "Ellie--"

"Don't 'Ellie' me! Listen. What if we... don't try, or anything... but we don't not try, either. In other words: whatever happens, happens. And you did say that you were going to like... pay more attention to what I want, right?"

She really seems to have her heart set on this... but Joel couldn't just give in and indulge her like it was just any other whim. What she was suggesting was downright irresponsible. She would take offense if he said this, but he was certain she wasn't grasping the magnitude of what it means to have a child. "Yes. I did say that. And I'm gonna try an' keep in mind that... just 'cause I think you're too young to have a baby don't mean that it's true. You seem to feel differently."

"I do! I'm not too young at all!"

"But... I think maybe part of that is that you... ...-You like the idea of... securin' a family for yourself."

She blinked. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothin'. Just... this mornin', you didn' know if you'd ever see me again, an' now you're talkin' about havin' kids?"

"Okay okay -- it's too fast. I get it. I'll slow down. We don't even have to have sex anymore. Whatever you want."

"Uh... what? I never said--"

"I know, but you kind of wanted to start over and take things slow, right? Not all the way over like a clean slate cuz you don't want us to forget the past but like... yeah. Slow."
He chuckled. "I also said that I was thinkin' that way... 'til I held you in my arms and it felt as natural as it always has." He kissed her for emphasis.

She smiled. "Yeah... okay. Maybe we shouldn't tonight anyway. You're tired and stuff."

I didn't even have to tell her, he marveled. "The, uh... equipment is definitely a little rusty. It might polish up just fine... or it might not."

"That's totally fine. Honestly, I'm only wearing this because... I mean, it's not because I'm like... trying to tell you I want sex or something..."

"Like your signature move: the campfire grope."

"Haha, yes! Awesome. Seriously, though... after the way I treated you... and that awful, horrible last time... I would like to have good sex... soon. The making love kind. After that, if you want to... not have it, I'm--"

"Stop sayin' I don't want it. I do. Do I want as much as we were havin' at the end? No. But I do want you. All right?"

Her smile was a little sheepish. "Even I don't want as much as we were having. I am so sorry I did that to you. Fuck -- I broke your equipment. So it's fine now? Just rusty?"

"Think so." At least she hadn't referred to it as rape this time. "It's all right. You know, a younger man would've been thrilled to... satisfy you so often."

She snorted. "Younger? You mean like Clicker?"

"I meant younger than me."

"Which he is! So do you think him and Alyssa have actual sex? They're too young!"

He chuckled. "I agree. Like I said before, his parents have prob'ly talked to him about all that."

"And... I guess Jacob, with Alyssa, cuz she doesn't have -- fuck, he was all into poking Christine, why would he tell his sister to keep her legs shut? Maybe we should talk to her!"

Yep... too damn cute. "Us? Oh sure. We're model spokespeople for that."

"Why not?"

"Well... for one thing, didn't you jus' say at dinner that she still hates you?"

"But not as much as she used to!"

"And I don't think I've even spoken to her. Not one word."

"So what? You're good at lectures. And you do think thirteen is too young, so it's a subject you're passionate about..."

"Oh yeah, that's me. A crusader for abstinence."

"Yes! I mean, practically!" she giggled.

I SHOULD be, as far as Ellie is concerned... because frankly, no matter how careful he thought he was being by pulling out, as long as they were having sex, there would always be a chance Ellie could get pregnant. Maybe that wouldn't be the end of the world... but it was still something he'd like to avoid. I can be MORE careful... we can have less sex... but I can't give that up altogether -- we love each other too deeply. ...As far as preaching to those kids-- "I think I'll trust that his parents can handle it. Maybe they talked to both of 'em."

Ellie gasped. "Joel, you know what? His parents -- John and Georgia -- they're really old!"

"...Not really old..."

"Older than you! By almost ten years! And they have a kid, see? So--"

"Yes -- an orphan they adopted. A kid who already existed... not one they decided to bring into the world."

"Well... yeah..."

He waited for her to say more, because he could tell she had words on the tip of her tongue... but she remained silent. Apparently chewing on those words. "What is it?" he prompted her.

"Just... I'm an orphan."

"...Yeah? And?"

"And maybe that means I should adopt one. Gavin and Shannon did. This little girl named Isabel. Like a month ago. It's so easy to adopt a kid -- you don't even have to be married, you can be just one single person. You put in an order of what you want and they match you up and send you a kid from back east somewhere."

This was the first Joel had heard of such a thing. "When did they start doin' that?"

"I dunno... I think Isabel's the first one, so... recently, I guess? But... ..." She looked dangerously near tears again.

"But what?"

She swallowed. "I should do that... but... I really like the idea of having one that's... part of us. You and me. Seeing it grow... from the very beginning, you know? ...Is that selfish?"

"No. Not at all. I'd say it's... normal. Ellie, you're only sixteen. You don't gotta decide all this shit right now. Wait an' see what happens. Hell, there's no rule that says you can't do both." As soon as he said it, it hit him (and it was something akin to the bolt of lightning he'd been waiting for these past few months): I felt bad about depriving Ellie of motherhood... well, maybe I ain't necessarily? How do I know what all is going to happen? Some kid could just fall in her lap and she'd--

"Both? ...That's not really fair to the adopted kid. But... I guess if it was me... I'd rather be with a parent who loves me second-best than in an orphanage or whatever... where no one loves me at all."

Joel pulled her into the tightest hug possible. Gave her a good hard squeeze, to the point where she couldn't breathe, because that always made her laugh -- and this time was no different. "Do you have... any idea... how much I loved you, when you were my daughter?"

She kept her face buried in his neck. "I... guess? But I never... replaced Sarah or anything."

"No. You never could. But she could never replace you, either. If both of you were--" ...Goddamnit... It was still hard for him to talk about her sometimes. Especially in this context. He abandoned the thought. "You would love both of 'em. I know you would. And... need I remind you, havin' a baby ain't on the table for us?"

"Maybe not now. But it will be when I'm eighteen."

"We don' know that."

"I know it." She lifted her head to look him in the eye. "Because I saw how much you loved our... what would've been. It made me feel like the biggest asshole, seeing how much you did. And I'm not going to fuck up like that again -- not going to do anything like that, ever, so... like a year from now? After I haven't fucked up at all? You'll see how grown up I am. And you'll know that... I can be a good mother to your kid."

Aww... "I already know that. You don't have to be perfect for me to know that. A year from now, we might not even be livin' here." Even if Tommy and Maria let them stay, would other citizens run them out? Make their lives hell until they gave in and left? I'd like to think I wouldn't let that happen... but what do I know? There's hundreds of people here. The military's getting more and more involved. ...I'm just one man.

"Well, we could come back when I'm eighteen, then. ...Do you know how stupid that sounds, though? Fuck. I mean... I'll be the same person. Still me. I'll just have lived another few months so suddenly I'm allowed to be with whoever I want. It makes no sense."

Leave it to Ellie to round close-to-two years down to 'a few months'! "The line just has to be drawn somewhere, is all."

"Yeah -- it should be drawn where I want it to be!"

"The law don't care if--"

"Oh, fuck the law! Jackson made it up. Every place does whatever they want. Monterey didn't care, obviously."

He arched his eyebrows at her. "Are you really gonna compare--"

"Okay, whatever -- forget about the whole exchange program thing. No one cared about you and me, because they saw that we loved each other. That's how it should be. If you were a dick, then maybe they should care. But--"

"That's why the law don't discriminate, see. That would make it a judgment call. And plenty of people here... will pass judgment. Not in our favor."

"Well, they're stupid, then. Annie's on our side now!"

Yes, Ellie had mentioned that earlier. Joel couldn't fault her for confiding in her friend while he was gone; he imagined she was a more receptive audience than Tommy or Maria, when it came to discussing their relationship. She said she hadn't really, that Annie had guessed it. No matter -- the girl knew. Which meant Esther would probably know soon, if she didn't already. Annie was... a cool customer, for the most part; if Ellie hadn't said anything, Joel probably wouldn't have thought that she knew about anything beyond Ellie's 'crush' on him -- which was well-known around Jackson. He reckoned that if Esther knew the truth, she would feel the need to confront him about it... but maybe he was wrong about that. "Annie's your best friend," Joel pointed out. "She hardly counts as people."

"But she was anti, before, and now she's not! I guess I didn't tell you that part... when I told her I was in love with you, ages ago, but not that you loved me back. She tried to tell me it was wrong. Cuz of some older guy at the farm she liked when she was young and her mom getting her panties in a wad over it and stuff. So, see? I converted her!"

"How come you never mentioned that before?" Joel wondered out loud; he did seem to recall Ellie being rather vague about how Annie had taken that particular confession.

"I dunno... I guess I didn't want you to feel bad?" She sighed. "Okay, so, no lies... yes I didn't want you to feel bad, but I also didn't want you to feel like... they were right. Her and Esther. I worried about that a lot in the beginning."

He kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"For what? Totally not your fault."

"But even back then, you knew... on some level... that I was gonna break my promise. I'm sorry about that. I see it differently now. See us, differently. I... don't think I'm any more wrong for you than any other--"

"You're not wrong at all! You're right for me!"

"...Perhaps righter than most. Which is good enough for me."

"Righter than most, my ass -- you're righter than all. ...Is that even a word? Righter? Sounds like writer... the 'w' kind of writer..."

"Maybe they're both words."

She glanced at the guitar, which was still on the bed... then back at him. "Speaking of... you know what I've been doing in here, since you left?"

That little glance made him suspect it had something to do with the guitar, but he would play dumb. "No idea. Is it naughty?"

"Ha! No! I mean... no. I was gonna say... I've been writing. The 'w' kind. Trying to write a song."

"You have? That's great, kiddo." And it hadn't occurred to him earlier, for some reason. As natural as it felt to be with her again, perhaps he wasn't completely... in tune with her yet (ha).

"Yeah. Except now I'll never finish it."

"Why not?"

"Duh -- cuz you're back."

"What? What's that got to do with anythin'? You can still--"

"Because it's like... kind of a sad song. And I'm not sad anymore." There was a shrug in her voice.

"I still think you should finish it. Maybe you're happier now, but... I bet you could still tap into those emotions, when you're playin'." He hadn't seen anything resembling sheet music when he’d glanced at that notebook, but then... how would Ellie know how to write that when she didn't know how to read it? Maybe she had devised her own system. "Singin' too? ...It was lyrics you were writin' in that book, yeah?"

"Yeah."

He nodded. "You've seen me do it -- playin' songs that don't necessarily match my mood. I was real happy with you on that beach, but I still played sad songs."

"You made people cry," Ellie remembered. "Especially Lupe."

"...Ain't she the one who would cry at the drop of a hat?"

"Yes -- dumb expression, by the way -- but other people, too -- Sophie, at least once!"

"Sophie's nearly as emotional as Lupe. If I made a dude cry, now... that's sayin' somethin'."

Ellie giggled. "Um... Carlos, maybe? No, Keith! You made Keith--"

"Now you're just pullin' names out of your ass. Anyhow... I still think you should finish it. You can work on it when I ain't around, if you wanna do it in private. Or I'll leave you to it, some time..."

"If we're even staying in town," Ellie reminded him.

"Of course."

She sighed. "If we leave, I'll prob'ly forget it all. I have the words written down but I'm still playing around with how to play them, and that part's all in my head."

"So you haven't played it for anyone yet?"

"Fuck no! No one even knows I'm doing it... ...oh fuck. Don't even ask me. Don't you dare!"

"I said nothing," he protested, laughing. But of course, he had been about to ask--

"How long did I have to bug you before you sang for me, huh? Ages!"

"I've already heard you sing -- you sing real good. You have a pretty voice. ...I'd like to hear the song you-- no, I would love to hear the song you wrote. If you would be so kind."

She squirmed and blushed... "Oh wow... um... even though I just told you it's not done?"

...and she's so goddamn adorable! "Yes. 'Cause I'm afraid you might not finish it. Hell, maybe I could help you with it. -Only if you want me to," he added. "No unsolicited advice, I promise."

"Ha... okay... umm... just... I think you might kind of... hate it, actually?" She cringed.
"Somethin' you wrote? No way. No--" He paused. "Oh, I get it. It's a hatin'-on-Joel song. Is that it?"

"No!" she laughed. "I mean... it's not... happy, or anything... but it's not Joel-bashing, I swear."

"All right then. What's to hate?"

"Well... it's... ... uh..."

"Maybe you oughta jus' sing it for me, yeah?"

She groaned. "I guess if you reeeeeally want me to... but you have to remember it's not done."

"Yes, you've made that very clear."

"What I think I maybe need help with is the guitar stuff. The lyrics feel like... they're just about there. I think? But fitting them together with the chords and stuff... maybe the timing of how I sing them, like how long to hold a note, or when to bunch the words together more... that kind of thing?"

"Hey, I'm no expert. I never did become a real singer. But I think I can help you with the guitar -- I can certainly try -- and as far as the lyrics... how long to hold notes an' whatnot... jus' sing 'em from your heart, an' that stuff will come natural."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh my God -- every time you say that--"

"I know you think it's bullshit, but it ain't. Hasn't it worked out fine for you so far? Every time I tell you to relax an' be yourself--"

"Okay, yeah, I guess. But... I've never sang this for anyone before. I might fuck it up."

"Understood. That's fine."

"...You're supposed to tell me that I won't fuck it up," she informed him.

"You want me to lie? How do I know if you're gonna fuck it up or not?"

"Yes you're supposed to lie!" she laughed.

"I've told you before -- if you make a mistake, just keep goin'. Don't let it... fluster you -- or derail you completely. I don' know the song, so I prob'ly won't even notice. You can tell me after, or not... up to you. All right?"

"Okay. Yeah... okay. So... I feel like maybe I should explain some stuff? About the lyrics?"

He shook his head. "Not yet. Let me hear you sing 'em first."

"Okay... just... I have to say, I can't even tell you why I like some of them... why they feel right. They just do."

"That's fine."

"And... I can't really look at you, cuz I still suck at the guitar so I have to look at what I'm doing and think about it and remember the lyrics at the same time. You said to keep going, if I mess up? Well, that's like... the only way I've done this so far. I can hear my voice and the guitar together in my head, but it's hard to make them both work at the same time. Which you totally do, when you play." She bit her lip.

"It's definitely a skill that needs to be honed. I didn't learn it overnight, that's for sure. I have to be real comfortable with... both singin' the song, an' playin' it -- I have to know it by heart, to be any good. Both parts. And you haven't had much time with the guitar--"

"I've had lots of time, lately!"

"The past couple months, sure. Nowhere near as much practice as I had when I was learnin'. I'm talkin' years." Not that he'd had as much time to practice as he would have liked...

"I actually only started writing it earlier this month."

"Well, there you go. Cut yourself some slack. Maybe I could learn the guitar part an' help you out by playin' when you sing."

She laughed. "Not like we're going to be performing it for anyone!"

"Says who? Maybe we will. Hell, if we have school plays here -- excuse me, town plays, not school -- maybe we can branch out and do a talent show."

"Oh my God -- no. Not with this... not with my song."

"Why not?"

"Because it's... personal! Private!"

Joel chuckled. "Where do you think all the songs you've ever heard came from? Someone had to think 'em up, an' write 'em... granted, a lot of 'em ain't all that deep..."

"I don't care -- I'm only playing this for you. Because I love you. And you... sort of know me by heart. If you're gonna try and make me play for a bunch of people who--"

"I ain't gonna make you do anythin'. Maybe we could do it just for us, then. I play, you sing. An' then vice versa, if you want."

"Or maybe we can do that with a fucking love song. Which this isn't!"

"Fine -- all I want right now is to hear your song. Forget the rest, all right? And don't worry about messin' up. Just take it slow. Pause when you need to. Don't overthink it. ...It's just me."

"Just you. Sure. Cuz I don't care if I impress you or anything."

He chuckled. "I'm already impressed. ...If you really, truly don't want me to hear it... it's okay."

"Ugh... no guilt trips! I do kind of want you to hear it. I wanna know what you think."

"That wasn't meant to be a guilt trip -- but all right then. Sit or stand?"

"Uh... sit, I guess. That's how I've been doing it."

He fetched her one of the dining chairs... and they decided to move to the living room because the set-up was better; it was easier for Joel to sit on the couch and face her directly. She put on one of his old worn-out flannel shirts, because she said it made her feel more comfortable to not be sitting there 'practically naked' (never mind that the guitar covered up most of her anyway). It was an odd look, but she was adorable as hell, of course, sitting there with the guitar... smiling shyly at him and then frowning at the thing in concentration, plucking at the strings experimentally and... he assumed getting into the right head space.

Joel had no idea what to expect. He knew she had some musical talent, but even so, lots of talented people who thought their original stuff was good when they were just starting out were just fooling themselves. He had already decided he would lie to her at least a little bit if the song was godawful. It wasn't like she was looking to play it for the town or anything. If she decided she wanted to perform for others, he would help her modify it enough that she wouldn't make a complete fool of herself.

She started strumming the guitar in more recognizable fashion -- doing chords. She repeated the same sequence a couple times... he wasn't sure she had started the song until she opened her mouth and began to sing softly -- almost too quietly to be heard over the guitar, but he didn't want to break her concentration or rhythm by asking her to turn up the volume.

"Some say love... is a burning thing... that it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
Because I saw love, you see it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah, then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing

You see the cage it called... I said come on in
I will not open myself up this way again
I lay my face to the soil, my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, or see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see the cage it called... I said come on in
I will not open myself up this way again

You see the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold clean light
Now my feet are gold, and my heart is white
And we race out on the desert plains all night
You know I am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold and my feet are light
And I am racing out on the desert plains all night

Some say love is a burning thing, that it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer, come to call from some awful dream
Ahhh and all you folks! -you all come to see
You just stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild and my bones are steam
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free..."

She let the last note die out, then raised her head slowly, wincing, like she expected to see disapproval, or amusement, or some other undesirable reaction from him.

But Joel was honestly just... in awe. 'Impressed' was too weak a word to describe how he felt.

"Oh my God -- your eyes are all shiny!" she cried. "Yes!"

"You know you're pretty good when you can make a dude cry," he quipped.

"Pfff -- I make you cry all the time." She laid the guitar down and hurled herself into his arms. "Did you like it?"

He hugged her and kissed the side of her head. "It was beautiful, baby girl. Thank you for lettin' me hear it. Not sure I caught every word, though, so you might have to sing it for me again."

"You mean you just want to hear it again, period."

"Both, actually."

She pulled back enough to smile at him... and she planted little kisses all over his face, the way she did sometimes when she was really pleased with something he'd done or said. All I did this time was tell the truth!

"Maybe later," she said. "So you... understood it, pretty much? You think?"

"Sure. It was a... hatin'-on-Joel song in disguise."

"No it wasn't! Ugh--"

"All right, maybe not exactly," he laughed. "It was more of a... disillusioned-with-love song. Bein' hurt an' gettin' through it... but comin' out different on the other end. That better?"

"I guess."

He would classify the genre as more indie or alternative than anything else. But with a nod to country-- "Did you include the Johnny Cash 'cause of me?"

"Um... it's really cuz it popped in my head? Is that okay? Is it too much like copying?"

"Nah. I'm sure he won't mind: the man's been dead for more than thirty years."

"...Thirty years? You mean he died before the pandemic?" She sounded incredulous.

"Yep, people actually did die -- some of 'em -- prior to 2013," he teased. He was impressed with the imagery she'd invoked in her lyrics; it felt like a good mix of literal and figurative. "The desert plains... California?"

"Um... not specifically, really... I dunno..."

"I like the cage thing. Feels like it means somethin' different at the beginnin' than it does at the end."

"Yes! And like it's good in the beginning but bad at the end."

Ellie was so literal sometimes that he was a little surprised she hadn't written a completely straightforward song. One thing, though... oh hell, I guess I'll just ask her-- "That last line... the one about killin'..."

"Not you," she assured him. "Just everyone else."

He chuckled. "Oh, well, that's just fine, then. As long as you don't kill me."

She giggled. "It miiiight be a little exaggerated. But... no one gets it. No one understands. And I don't want their pity... I don't want them gawking at me cuz I'm different from them... you know? I think it's more of a hating-on-the-world song than hating you. -I don't hate you. Just so you know," she added with a grin.

"Thank you for clearin' that up. Thought maybe you were doin' a... keep-your-enemies close type deal there for a--"

She swatted him. "Whatever! You know I suck at that."

He gave her a big old kiss, as if testing the theory. "Mm, yeah... you wouldn't've let me do that if I was really your enemy. There's such a thing as too close."

"Only with enemies -- not with me'n'you!"

"Agreed." He cupped his face in her hands. "I like what you said before -- about me knowin' you by heart. Except... your song proves that I don't. At least not anymore. 'Cause I didn't see that comin'."

She seemed pleased by this. "You think so? You mean like... in a good way, right?"

"Yes. I'm proud of you, kiddo. At the same time... I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I'll never do it again. And... I'm lookin' forward to gettin' to know you by heart all over again."

"Aww, Joel... I love you so fucking much!" she gushed, hugging him tightly.

They kissed and cuddled on the couch for a bit... then, just when he thought she might be trying to step things up a notch, she switched gears and started asking him about the composition of her song and how she could 'fix' it, guitar-wise. He was happy to pick up the guitar and oblige her...

...until they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Ellie looked at him wide-eyed, just as panic-stricken as if they'd just heard a moaning Runner or screeching Clicker.

"Joel? Ellie? I know you're in there. I see the lights are on."

It was Tommy at last.

~

Author's note: The song Ellie "wrote" is "Song For Zula" by Phosphorescent, although some of the lyrics have been slightly altered. I originally wanted to use a song that came out AFTER 2013 (I only discovered this one in 2020, but to my dismay, found that it came out in early 2013), so I could then posit that none of those songs actually existed in the TLOU 'verse and were therefore fair game... but in the end, I just liked this song for her too darn much! Even though it's not particularly guitar-ish. I'm sure her version is just a bit different from the one in our world :)

~Continue to Chapter 49~

"Singularity" Chapter 47: "Together Enough" [47/49]

2022-11-23T12:47:02Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 47: "Together Enough" [47/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,787
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Now I KNOW I'm dreaming... Spirit AND Joel?! No fucking way...

But Ellie vaguely heard Annie and Joel exchanging greetings... heard Annie saying something about taking the horses back to the stables... something about giving the two of them a chance to talk... I think this might actually be happening? Her brain registered that Annie had just gone back into the yard to fetch the other horse...

...and Joel is fucking STANDING RIGHT THERE.

He seemed to be frozen in place.

I must be frozen, too... I can't even see him that well, but I can't stop staring... can't make my mouth work...

Spirit nudged her cheek with enough oomph that she had to kind of catch herself... and she finally dislodged herself from that weird head space. In her head, reuniting with Joel always involved leaping into his arms, and yet here she was, just standing there like it was no big deal. What's wrong with me?

She just... couldn't. Although it wasn't like he was running right up to her, either! She turned her attention back to the horse, running her hands over his ears... rubbing them the way he liked. Sorry he's stealing your thunder, boy, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT. "Where did you find him?" she called to Joel, like this was any other casual conversation. I can ask him things now! Because he was right fucking there and fuck, I guess it would've been nice to say HI to him first--

"Idaho. Only a few days from here. I asked him where he'd been all this time, too, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer."

A horrible thought occurred to Ellie: had Joel only come back to deliver Spirit? Was he not really back-back? He's still standing kind of far away...

"You look good," Joel told her.

She thought she probably looked the same as when he'd left, except maybe her hair was a little longer... but she had it in a ponytail today so the length wasn't super obvious. She had no idea what to say. None. Fuck, I can't even talk to him anymore? She was grateful she had Spirit right there to bump noses with. She rubbed his neck appreciatively. "Wish I had an apple or something to give you," she murmured to him... low enough that Joel would just have to fucking move out of that shadow and come closer if he wanted to hear. "I'm so happy to see you, boy! So glad you came back. You better not ever leave me again, okay? You promise? ...Ahhhh I'm not letting you go anyway! Whether you like it or not!" She hugged the horse fiercely, burying her face in his sweet mane (the scent always made her think of sunshine). And all of a sudden, she was fighting the urge to cry. No... no TEARS, for fuck's sake... Annie's coming back now... you're okay...

"Ummmmm I guess I don't need to ask if you want me to take Spirit home or not?" Annie chuckled.

The remark was enough to ward off the stupid tears, at least for now. Ellie turned and smiled at her friend. "No way. He's staying with me. I... might bring him by later."

Annie actually looked like she might cry, too! She gave Ellie a quick hug. "So happy for you!" she whispered excitedly.

"Don't be happy yet," Ellie warned her softly. "But... thanks. Me too. I hope."

Annie pulled back, all smiles... then turned to Joel and gasped. "What happened to you?"

WHAT?! Ellie looked in Joel's direction again. He had finally moved closer, into the sunlight...

"Nothin'. I'm fine. It was just a bullet whizzin' by."

Ellie gaped at him. "A bullet that fucking took off half your ear!"

"Just a flesh wound. No big deal. My modelin' days are long gone anyhow."

Annie laughed. "You can grow your hair out a little... after it fully heals? Just cover it right up!"

"He hates feeling hair over his ears," Ellie told her, noting that it had definitely been trimmed since she last saw him. "That's how we'd know it was time for a haircut." I guess he won't feel it on that side anymore, though -- UGH, it looks awful!

"Long hair... just ain't a good look at my age," Joel added. "More gray... and it gets all wispy-like..."

"Did you go to the clinic?" Annie asked.

Ellie knew the answer to that one.

"Nah," he replied. "I took care of it myself. It's healin' up all right."

Ellie's mind went a little fuzzy again as she looked him over. She didn't hear exactly what Joel and Annie said to each other before Annie mounted her horse and rode off, leading the horse Ellie had been riding earlier. It was something about Esther sending him down this street to find them... a dinner invitation for both of them... Ellie couldn't quite absorb such inconsequential chatter because she had too many questions bubbling up in her mind: Who was shooting at him? Hunters? Fuck... he could've DIED... how close was that bullet to hitting his BRAIN... when did it happen? Where was I? What was I doing at the time while poor Joel was getting his ear blown off? Probably something totally inane... I'll never know... how weird. I'm supposed to be WITH him for that shit--

"Do you wanna go sit... somewhere?" Joel asked her; they were alone at last (not counting Spirit). "Sit an' talk?"

Well... that depends, Joel. Are you dumping me? Or... even if you're not -- yet -- are you leaving again? Do you need more time? "Sure." FUCK--

"Good thing you were out here instead of in the library. Made for a nicer surprise... with the horse an' all. And... it's quiet here. More private."

Shit... why do you want it to be private? I mean... that could be GOOD, obviously, if we're... but maybe you just don't wanna cause a scene, when you take my broken heart and shred it into even tinier pieces?

"I reckon it should be outside, 'cause Spirit don't seem to wanna leave you alone," he observed.

I hope he's not the only one! Ellie tried to smile. "Yeah. Um... not in that yard, though. Let's go next door." Sitting on that swing with Joel would be nice, but if things didn't go well... Ellie just didn't want that beautiful yard ruined. Better to sit in some random other place.

"I s'pose we could go to the rendezvous house," Joel suggested. "But... next door is good. It's... closer."

Why would he bring that up? Is that good or bad, that he's remembering our little secret meetings there?! ...Good, I think? It was kind of a pain in the ass, but once we were THERE... Ellie stupidly just noticed something else for the first time as they walked, with Spirit between them. "Did you ride him here bareback?" He hadn't been saddled when he disappeared!

"Yep. Had no choice. Lucky for me he still had his headgear on... made it a little easier."

And while she was noticing things... she noticed that he didn't have his backpack, which she was sure he'd taken with him. He didn't have that just-off-the-road look to him, either. It looked like he had washed his face. Maybe even changed his clothes. Also, he didn't stink. Spirit's proximity was possibly masking his scent -- and Spirit smelled horsey-good like always! -- but she still thought she would be able to tell if he'd come straight from the road. So he went home first? He doesn't have his key, though... oh -- right -- he went to the farm. Maybe he cleaned up a little there, after Esther told him I'd gone out riding with Annie. His hair's not wet, so he didn't take a shower... unless he actually DRIED his hair, too... he never does that, though... was he trying to look good for me? Or is he planning on leaving again right away, so he figured he'd better wash up a little before he goes? Like, before he sees me, in case I freak out on him and he has to make as quick a getaway as he can? He doesn't know I vowed NOT to do that. To totally respect his decision. ...FUCK, can I actually do that? He's been here like FIVE MINUTES and I haven't even touched him or anything to make sure that he's REAL but already I can't stand the thought of him leaving again!

Joel must have noticed how quiet and strange she was being, but he didn't acknowledge it. They barely said a word to each other while trying to find a place to sit in the next backyard. There was one lonely plastic chair (and Ellie did not make a joke about both of them sitting in it and possibly breaking it), no benches or couches or anything...

"How 'bout in here?" Joel was... pushing some kind of cover off of a big square thing at the end of the patio. "It's actually pretty clean under here. Bit different without the water, of course..."

Just like boats... Ellie remembered a similar comment he'd made a million years ago. When she was just barely starting to get to know him. How can I feel weirder around him NOW than I did back then? This wasn't a boat, though. "Is that a..."

"A hot tub, yes. Jacuzzi... spa... different names for it."

Hmmm... kind of intimate? Not like cuddling on a couch, but we'll be pretty close to each other... "Okay. What about Spirit?" She looked around for something to hitch him to, because she sure as fuck wasn't going to let him run away on her -- even Inside!

"He's fine. Just let him be. He won't go that far from you, I don't think. Hell -- he don't even like me, but he was downright clingy on the way back."

Ellie chuckled. "He likes you, silly."

Joel looked at her for a long moment... and Ellie wished to God she knew what he was thinking. I used to be so good at that! Fuck!

"Why don't you sit... there, on the far side... and I'll sit to your right. That way you don't gotta get an eyeful every time you--"

"Oh my God, Joel, do you think I care about... not seeing..." She sighed. "I'm just glad you weren't killed." ...Understatement of the year?!

"Still. Humor me."

She climbed into the tub and sat where he'd indicated. Poor Joel... he's not VAIN, like... at ALL... but he's gotta be at least a little self-conscious about this one? It's so... noticeable. So... not-normal-looking. She wanted to ask him about it – how it happened, what it felt like, if it affected his hearing... all that stuff. She wanted to ask him all kinds of things about where he’d been, what he’d done... what he was thinking right now... but she asked nothing. She idly wondered if he had made her get in first so he could decide how much of a gap to keep between them. He was sitting far enough away that she could almost kick him if she extended her leg, but not quite.

...I still don't know what to fucking SAY to him... but Joel didn't seem to know what to say, either. He didn't seem particularly anxious about it, however. No way did he feel as anxious as Ellie did right now!

"Where's your gun at?" he asked.

That was the first thing he chose to ask her.

...Of course it is. That's so JOEL. Oh how I've missed him! She couldn't even pretend to be annoyed enough to give him shit. "I guess it's... over by the gate next door. I had it in my hand when I went out front to investigate the noise we heard -- I swear! -- and then I guess I dropped it when I saw Spirit." She was surprised he hadn't noticed it on the ground himself, actually... maybe Spirit was blocking his view...

"All right. I'll go--"

"Don't you dare!" Ellie slid closer to the steps to block his path if necessary. ...Like he couldn't just hop over the side if he really wanted to leave?

He chuckled. "I was just gonna grab it an' come right back."

"Just leave it. No one's gonna find it there, and... if this yard just happens to get overrun with Infected while we're here, you can just toss me one of yours. ...Do you really only have two on you right now?"

"Yep. Left most of my shit down at the farm. ...All right, as long as you don't forget to grab it later."

Ellie smiled. "I might forget, but you won't."

Joel returned the smile. "Sure have missed seein' that pretty smile of yours."

That innocent remark made her blush for some reason. "You have?" AWESOME!!!

"Mmhmm. Seein' you in general, really."

Happy as she was that he was saying these things, Ellie felt like her heart was being squeezed by an iron fist. ...Along with my lungs, cuz it's kinda hard to breathe! She bit her lip.

"What's wrong?" He actually fucking asked her that.

She laughed mirthlessly. "Gee, I dunno... everything?!"

"...Can you be a little more specific?"

Is he amused right now? Fucking-- aaarrggghhh! "How can you be so-- so--" She didn't even know how to articulate what he was. Calm probably came close... nonchalant... cavalier...

"So... what?" he prompted her.

"Are you leaving again?" she blurted. "Sorry -- you don't -- it's okay if you -- ugghh. Sorry. I just... kind of need to know that first, I guess."

"First? First before what?"

"Before... anything! If you're just gonna leave again, then... I dunno." She scooted back into her original seat. Farther away from him.

"I don' know what I'm gonna do yet," he told her.

At least he's being honest? Not making promises he couldn't keep. But that old... helpless feeling started to creep up on her. Once again, he had all the control. Their fate was up to him. She had no say in what happened next.

"It depends on you," he added.

...OH. Well... that was better, right? So she did have some control. If she said and did the right things, he would stay? ...For how long? And what exactly were the right things? She wanted to ask him, but sometimes he got annoyed when she asked him things like that, and she definitely didn't want to annoy him right now.

But... fuck... it was okay to ask for clarification, wasn't it? "Um... how does it depend on me?" She braced herself for a frown, a sigh... some sign of irritation...

"I don't wanna make things harder for you," he replied. Without frowning or sighing or doing anything else that might indicate he was irritated with her for asking. "If you're... I don' know... ..."

"If I'm what?" What a fucking awkward conversation this is!

"In a better place now, I guess is what I mean."

...Huh? Does he mean better without HIM? Um... NO. HELL no, in fact. "So... you're breaking up with me... for real this time? Or..." Please please PLEASE be all eager to reassure me that you're NOT!

He was... the opposite of eager. He just sat there, looking at her. Studying her. "Is that what you want?"

"No!" No hesitation on her end! "That's not what I want. Not at all. But what I want doesn't seem to matter, so--" --Fuck! Jesus, Ellie, shut the fuck up -- you can't SAY bitchy things like that if you want him to--

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

She wondered what he was sorry for. Cuz... she could think of a few things! But he probably just said that because of that snide little remark... "No, I'm sorry. I totally get that you need... time, or whatever. -I just missed you," she added. "A lot."

"Not half as much as I missed you," Joel replied.

Ellie couldn't let herself get too excited when he said things like that... because he always said that he loved her. Just... it wasn't like that factored into his decision-making, most of the time. "What do you want?" Oh God, did I really just flat out ASK him that?

He didn't even answer. "So. You ain't... uh... ..."

Ellie almost snapped at him for turning it back around on her -- and not even smoothly, at that -- but she held her tongue... and waited.

"Are you seein' anyone else?" he asked, his expression as blank as she'd ever seen it.

This was the perfect opportunity to make him jealous as fuck... but what if he isn't? He TOLD me to 'see other people,' pretty much... Still. Ellie wasn't going to lie to him; she could see how it might totally backfire. "No. I told you -- you're the only one I love. I don't want anyone else. I never will. So if you don't want us to be together--"

"I do. I do want that."

...To NOT be together? Or to be together? Maybe the wording was a little ambiguous... but Ellie could tell what he meant -- she heard it more in his voice than she saw it in his expression. Still, just in case, I better ask him-- "So does that mean... you still love me?"

His face finally melted into that adoring look she'd been missing so much! "Of course I do. Never stopped."

She swallowed a lump in her throat. "And you're still... you know... in love with me?"

"Yes. Very much."

"Really?" Her voice actually squeaked when she asked -- and she knew she was smiling like an idiot.

"Really." Joel was smiling, too...

Her head was still reminding her that this might not fucking mean anything... but...

But!

Fuck it!

Ellie launched herself at him, her arms circling his neck, and he pulled her fully into his lap. His arms clutched her so tight she could barely breathe (in a good way, this time!). It was what she'd wanted for so fucking long... it was exhilarating! And... overwhelming, really, because she went straight from gleeful, breathless giggles to hiccuping sobs.

"I hope those are happy tears," Joel murmured into her hair.

I hope they are, too! It was funny how she didn't know for sure. But she felt like she could breathe again. Like she could feel how much he loved her. The longer he held her, the more certain she felt that happy tears were indeed warranted -- because surely Joel wouldn't be so cruel as to let her make the normal assumptions based on his words, not bothering to 'set her straight' and explain his weird Joel logic, where "I love you" and "I want to be with you" didn't necessarily translate to "I ain't leaving town again."

No, he's not CRUEL like that... but he might be totally clueless?

She not-so-surreptitiously wiped her face on his shirt before pulling back enough to look him in the eye. Before she could ask him anything, though, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her!

Or tried to, anyway. She did kiss him back, but she couldn't stop smiling, and it was hard to effectively kiss a person and smile at the same time. Joel sighed happily, leaning his forehead against hers -- and he was all smiley, too. "God, I've missed you. I don' know how I ever managed to leave."

"Twice!" she teased. "I don't know how you did, either!" Being mad at me probably helped, the second time... She was enjoying his fingers threading through her hair, so she yanked her hair tie out to give him more to play with (the tie was stretched out enough that she could wear it on her wrist like a bracelet for safekeeping).

"Did I miss our anniversary?" he asked, pulling back just a smidge.

Aww! He remembered! "Yeah... it's okay. We can celebrate it now! If that's... if you want, I mean. I was gonna ask... before I get all carried away... um, too late for that, really, but... yeah..."

He didn't even seem to have heard her. He was petting her hair, and like... examining her. From the neck up, anyway. "You... are so beautiful."

Double aww! Ellie ducked into his shoulder. "Whatever..."

"You are. I should tell you more often." He resumed crushing her into his chest.

Ellie giggled. "Yes, you should. You should tell me every day. No -- every hour of every day. You know why? Cuz that means I'd see you at least once every hour of every day, like... forever!"

"Mm. Good plan. What about when we're sleepin'? Do I gotta wake you up every hour to tell you?"

Ellie pondered this. "Umm... nah, cuz I won't stay beautiful if I don't get my beauty sleep, right? You can either do extra before we go to sleep or when we wake up. Your choice. Just--" A nose at the back of her head arrested that thought -- and it wasn't Joel's. She twisted around and giggled at the sight of the horse leaning over the hot tub. "I think Spirit wants a group hug!"

She managed to get an arm around each of them at once, but Joel just reached out and patted Spirit's neck, keeping one arm securely around her. "You should've seen him, kiddo. When I saw him... -when he saw me, he was lookin' all around... like 'Where's Ellie at? Where you hidin' her?' I swear he gave me the dirtiest look when I told him you weren't with me."

"Ha!" She knew he was teasing, but Ellie could actually imagine that. "How long have you had him?"

"I brought him straight here. Well, almost -- headed back here the day after."

Here's another opportunity to ask him... She returned her hand to its former resting place on Joel's shoulder. "Okay, wait. Does that mean... you weren't actually coming back yet? Like... you weren't ready?"

"Uh... more like, if ever there was a sign I should go back, this was it. Findin' your horse -- completely on accident."

Ellie looked at Spirit and smiled sadly. "He wasn't actually mine, you know. And I was upset when we lost him, yeah, but like... I made peace with it. I liked to think he was happier being free." She vowed to talk to Esther about how to use him. If being out in the wild had actually somehow mellowed him out (was that even possible?), maybe he would be easier for people to handle and he could do trips and stuff instead of farm work, which he'd never taken too kindly to. If we get working tractors for the farms like the military's promising, chances are good! She also couldn't help wondering how many hunters had tried to steal him... had any of them been successful, or had he balked at everyone's advances until Joel came along? Back to the matter at hand-- she turned back to Joel. "I never felt like that about you being gone, you know. It wasn't something I could like... make peace with."

He gave her the sweetest little kiss. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't really understand why I left... I'm sorry it hurt you, but I do think it was the right thing to do at the time. I needed some space."

Ellie nodded. "I know. You were pissed. You had every right to be."

"No, see, that ain't... it wasn't the main thing, anyhow. I told you not to beat yourself up over all that."

"I know! I know. I didn't... much. But does that mean... can you ever forgive me?" Her voice went all small when she asked.

He smoothed her hair back... cupped her cheek... smiled at her fondly. "Yes. I understand why you... did what you did. How it kinda snowballed on you. I drove you to--"

"No, Joel, stop that! Don't blame yourself. You made a decision, and I should've respected it. This time... I totally will. If you need more time to think about stuff, I'm cool with it." ...Amazing how easy that is to say when he's acting like he can't stand the thought of leaving again!

"Thank you, baby girl. That means a lot to me." He drew her in for another kiss. "But I think I've been away long enough."

Yes! "Really?"

"Mmhmm."

She hugged his neck again. "I love you soooooo much!"

He chuckled. "Love you, too."

"Squeeze me as hard as you--" She couldn't even finish the request because he did exactly that, cutting off her air supply for a moment before relaxing his grip.

"Don' know why that's so fun for you..."

She giggled. "Oh, you like it, too!"

"I just like bein' close to you. Like this."

He did seem to be extra... cuddly? Like he wasn't content to just hold her -- he had to rub her arm or pet her hair or touch her face. Like we're not TOGETHER ENOUGH otherwise... aww...

"Listen," he continued. "This tub ain't that comfortable without the water. What do you say we--"

"No! We can't leave!" Ellie protested. "This might just be a dream -- and if we go home, we'll wake up!"

"...Is that how it works?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Mm. I seem to recall you felt that way after we kissed for the first time, too... turns out it wasn't a dream. We went home--"

"But so much has happened since then! This is different!"

"Is it?"

"Yeeees!" she giggled.

"All right, maybe we'd better stay, then."

"But-- if it's uncomfortable -- here, I'll just sit like--"

"You're fine right where you're at," he assured her, holding her snugly in place in his lap. "But... there are some things we oughta talk about."

She pouted. "You wanna wake up from the dream already?"

"Yes. Because reality... ain't all that bad, as long as we're together, yeah?"

"Totally," she beamed at him. "Remember where you go, I go? Can we get back to that? Pleeeease?"

"I do remember that, yes. Back when we thought ten days was a long time to be apart. As far as leavin' town goes? Absolutely."

"Okay, good. That's what it was meant to be about." And you promised that you wouldn't leave town unless I left with you...

"Forget about me forgivin' you: can you ever forgive me? For... not rememberin' that when it counted?"

He just read my mind! "I think you did remember it. You just... started doubting that it was the right thing to do. I'll forgive you if you swear that you'll never do it again."

Joel actually had to think about that, which scared her a little.

"Can you really not promise that right now?" she marveled.

"Oh, I can promise... swear... what-have-you. I can mean it, too. But will you believe it."

"Yes!"

He snorted. "How can you be so sure? I think you're foolin' yourself. I think deep down--"

"I know, I know -- I actually thought the same thing, before... this. Before you came back and... let me touch you, and kiss you... and hug you and everything... now it's all real again." ...What am I even trying to say?

"I don't follow."

"Yeah... I kinda don't follow myself either. Ha! Um... okay. So, I forgive you, you forgive me, it's like starting over. Like we have a clean slate!" Thank you for that idea, Annie! "We forget everything from before. Start fresh."

"I do see the appeal in that."

"...I hear a 'but' in there..."

"But. I don't think it's that simple. We do have history... you ever heard of 'Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it' ?"

"No. Those who don't..." She turned the phrase over in her mind. "You don't want to forget all the bad stuff?"

"I think... it's easy to forget it sometimes, when things are good..."

"Like now?"

"Yes. Now is good."

"Fuck, how I wish we could just freeze this moment in time... just stay here forever!"

"Ha. You're goin' backwards on the realism scale now, kiddo."

"I know, but... God, don't you wish we could do that?!"

"...I think we have plenty of good moments in our future. We don' need to get stuck on this particular one."

"Good answer! Our future... I like the sound of that," Ellie said happily. "By the way -- if you ask me to marry you again? I would totally say yes next time. Just so you know."

Joel gave an awkward little chuckle. "Yeah, see, that right there..."

"Oh God -- I went too far. Sorry! Forget I said that. Really! That one should be wiped off the slate real easily cuz it was only there for two seconds! Right? Isn't that--"

"Relax," Joel said -- with a more normal-sounding chuckle. "That... is a good example of why we can't just wipe the slate totally clean. You've got it in your head that you've gotta be perfect, 'cause if you ain't perfect--"

"Nobody's perfect! I know that. I'm not trying to be!"

"All right, well, somethin' along those lines. There was nothin' wrong with what you said. It was real sweet, actually."

"It was? But you were so..."

"Askin' you... the way I did... was a mistake. I still feel bad about it."

"Oh, Joel, you shouldn't! And it wasn't a mistake--"

"It was. And I don't think either of us... can just forget everythin' that happened that day. You already had that... thing in your head, about bein' perfect -- or close to it -- 'cause of how you grew up. Whatever bit of love you could find... it was all conditional. Or it felt conditional to you, 'cause no one ever-- anyhow. Don't wanna get into all that again. What I'm sayin' is you had that in there, in your head, and I just... figured I could undo it. That if I just loved you enough--"

"You did undo it!"

"Maybe some, yes. Some of it. I did see a change in you... in your confidence. After a while. But whatever good I may have done? I prob'ly just undid it all. Put you right back where you started... if not before where you started. Right?"

She felt her chest tightening for some reason. FUCK, Ellie, just suck it up already! But she didn't trust herself to speak... or even look at him.

"Trust -- real trust -- takes a long time to build up," he continued. "And then... it shatters in an instant."

She wasn't sure what the difference was between real trust and... fake trust? ...but she didn't care to ask. "Okay, but... I've fucked up a lot. And you still love me. Isn't that what unconditional love is? So I can trust you. Because I know that."

"On one level, maybe. But your gut reaction is to panic. When you think you've messed up."

Ellie snorted. "So? Your gut reaction is to pull a gun any time someone looks at you funny. It doesn't mean anything."

"I don't do that," he smirked.

"Whatever -- you know what I'm saying. That's been a part of you for so long... hey, yeah, this is a good comparison! You've been Outside for a while, right? So you're going to be all jumpy and paranoid and stuff for a while, until you get used to being Inside again, and then you'll relax. But it's still there, if provoked. It's like part of who you are. It's not right or wrong... it just is."

"It's right if it saves our lives."

She rolled her eyes. "You get it, though, right?"

"I get it."

"I mean... you can't even blame me when I ask if you're leaving again and you say it depends on me. Meaning... if I don't act the way you want--"

"Whoa -- hang on. That ain't what I meant by that."

"It's not?"

"Nope. I just meant... if you wanted me around. If you had a new boyfriend or somethin'... or a girlfriend... thought maybe I wasn't gone long enough for it to... I don' know. I didn't want it to be like a Clicker situation. With him an' that little girl."

"Alyssa. They're pretty cute together, by the way." Maybe she would never be Alyssa's biggest fan, but Clicker was the one who had to put up with her! "I was gonna say you were right about that whole thing... but I think we both kind of were? Cuz I didn't actually leave town, and he still moved on." Of course, it did help that Ellie was never around anymore... but she omitted that little tidbit. "Anyways -- did you really think I would be with someone else? Seriously?"

"I didn' know what to expect, after the way we left things. Plus we've never been apart for a couple months... whatever it was..."

"Seventy-five days."

Joel blinked. "Damn. Are you bullshittin', or do you really--"

"I know how long it's been! Seventy-five-- er-- I guess seventy-four, because today would've been seventy-five, but you're here. Obviously."

"All right, so... a smidge longer than a couple months. I didn't think that would be long enough for you to... not have any feelin's left for me whatsoever--"

"Oh my God, Joel -- of course it's not long enough for that! Forever isn't long enough!"

He kissed the top of her head. "Sweet girl. I will admit... I am very glad you feel that way."

She beamed at him. "Good! Don't even say it's selfish, cuz it's not! It's just... love." And how lucky am I that HIS feelings didn't just go away once we were apart?!

"Whatever it is, whatever you wanna call it... all of it... I'm done fightin' it, an' feelin' bad about it."

"What? For reals?" ...Does that mean what I think it means?!

"For the most part. I can't say I'll never feel guilty about how young you are, how old I am..."

"Joel--"

"Just listen. It ain't ideal, that's for sure. It ain't what I would script for either of us, if it were up to me. Especially for you. But that don't change the fact that... it happened. And it's... real. Findin' someone you feel such a strong connection to... so powerful that it... ... You know what I mean. And for both of us to feel that way... about each other? It's a rare thing. It's... special. I've always known that... about you'n'me... I guess I just let other shit get in the way of it sometimes. But, no more."

Ellie's heart felt like it was going to explode or something. Like there was so much love in it, it was going to overflow. She hugged him... kissed him... cupped his face in her hands so she could stroke his beard with her thumbs (...and decided to ignore the fact that he flinched when her fingers approached the injured ear; she would just have to be mindful not to make him uncomfortable). "Does that mean you don't want us to hide it anymore?"

He sighed. "I don' know. I ain't lookin' to... upset the applecart here. Pretendin' out in public is prob'ly for the best. My brother, an' Maria... they run the show. They have certain... rules an' expectations. Pretendin' might not be good enough for them. They have good reason to want to protect you from--"

"Protect me from you? That's the biggest load of shit ever, and you know it!"

He smiled. "Generally-speakin', though. It ain't good for... ... -Someone my age, with someone your age, is pretty damn creepy."

"No it's not!" Ellie would never believe otherwise.

"You say that because this -- us -- ...it don't feel creepy to you. But we're the exception, not the rule. I think that... if Tommy feels so strongly about it that he feels like he has to separate us..."

She scowled. "Fuck that. Seriously, Joel -- fuck that! I am not going to be apart from you anymore. I won't let him separate us!"

"Oh you won't, huh? What exactly do you plan on doin'?" He seemed amused.

"Well... I dunno... whatever I have to!" She could work through little details like that later!

"Whatever you have to," Joel repeated. "You'd even... commit murder."

She rolled her eyes again. "No, I'm not gonna kill your brother, okay? But I'm not gonna just... do whatever he wants. I'm surprised he hasn't come and-- wait. Did you see him before you came here? Do you know something I don't know?"

"No. I did find out that he made it back okay, an' that the baby was fine... but I didn't go seek him out. He ain't nearly as snuggly as you are."

She giggled when he squeezed her. "Not as kissable, either..."

"Nope." He dutifully kissed her. "And nowhere near as pretty."

It hit her again, how amazing it was that she was sitting here with Joel, and he seemed to love her just as much as he ever had. He'd been gone for sooooooo long! "I forgot that you didn't even know about Tommy coming home. You prob'ly never saw him Outside cuz he went-- ...a different way." Thankfully, Dexter was home now, too. She didn't feel like giving Joel the run-down on all things Jackson just yet, though. "There's so much I wanna ask you about your trip! Like... where did you go -- just Idaho, or other places? Did you find Karma and Paul? What've you been doing all this time? How did you get hurt? Did you bring the jeep back?"

"Slow down," he chuckled. "I'll tell you all about it... later. I wanna hear what's been goin' on with you, too. But we have... other things to attend to."

She gave him a sly smile. "Hell yes we do -- have you ever done it in a hot tub before?"

"No, an' that ain't what I meant by--"

"Oh good! I can be your first!" She swiftly pivoted so that she was straddling him, then kissed him deeply, letting her mouth -- her tongue -- express how much she'd missed him.

He kissed her just as hungrily... but not for very long. "We can't, baby girl. I for one do not intend to let my brother catch us a second time. I assume one of the guards let him know I came through."

"He'd still have to find us," Ellie pointed out. "In this random backyard. Even if he finds out you went in this direction, is he gonna search every house? Every yard?"

"Maybe he will. ...You're still livin' with him'n'Maria, yeah?"

"Yeah. Which sucked at first, by the way. We sort of called a truce, eventually, but I can't... not be a little bit pissed at them. At Tommy, especially. But Grayson -- oh my God, Joel, you have to see him! He's so cute! And so big!"

"I bet he is. I'm sure we'll be seein' him -- all of 'em -- soon enough. But first... I wanna get things sorted out with you'n'me."

...Huh? "What's to sort?" she asked, perplexed. "We're together again. Together-together. Right?"

"Right..." It almost sounded like he was uncertain about that.

"But?"

"But... I don' know. We keep gettin'... derailed, or sidetracked... I think at some point I was gonna say we should take it slow..."

"How slow?" She didn't want to be a brat or anything, but he had said, once upon a time, that they wouldn't fucking go backwards.

"That's the thing. Now that we're together again... it kinda feels like no time has passed, don't it?"

"Pfff. Speak for yourself! You were gone foreeevvveeerrrrr--"

"I'm talkin' about right now. Things were maybe a little strained at first, but... that's all gone. This feels... completely natural, to me."

"Me too! Why shouldn't it? We still love each other."

"Guess I just wasn't expectin' it. 'Course, I've had a few days to think about how it was gonna go, seein' you again..."

How cute -- was he stressing about it? She smiled. "Did it go better than you thought?"

"Definitely. Which is why I'm wonderin' when the other shoe is gonna drop."

"Um... what do our shoes have to do with anything?"

"Nothin'." He looked at her... extra-adoringly? "You have no idea how much I missed you."

"I missed you more, cuz you're the one that left," Ellie reasoned.

"Is that how it works?"

"Yep. So... did you have trouble sleeping, too?"

"Oh yeah. Nights were the hardest."

"And mornings. When I'd wake up and like... forget, for a second..."

"Then you remember. Yeah, that was rough. I hope you didn't have that many nightmares." He winced. "Did you? Were they bad?"

"Um... I survived. Obviously. I actually..." ...God, should I tell him this? Kind of embarrassing...

"You actually what?"

"I just... couldn't stand being by myself, after. So sometimes I... went into Grayson's room and slept on the floor. Dumb, right? Like, how is this tiny little baby gonna make me feel safe?"

"But he did?"

"Yeah. It helped, just hearing him breathe."

"That ain't dumb at all. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."

She knew he meant it, but-- "You should've slept better without me waking you up with my nightmares!"

"No way. You kiddin' me? I was... in a bad way, not havin' you close."

"You had some bad dreams, too, huh." She almost apologized for not being there to help him, but then she remembered that it wasn't her fucking fault! She kissed him softly. "Oh -- I also spent the night with your brother a couple times."

"What?!"

She giggled at the outraged look on his face. "Don't worry, Maria was there, too. Maria caught me sleeping on Grayson's floor -- actually, the first time, she thought he woke me up cuz she found me in there with him when he started crying... and like, he did wake me up, but only cuz I was right there in his room! So I let her think that. But then next time, I told her the truth... she said I could come sleep in their bed if I had any more. I didn't at first cuz... I kind of had attitude towards them still? Cuz it was their fault I didn't have you to sleep with."

"You can't lay the blame entirely on--"

"Yeah yeah, I know. So one night, I did go in there... and it was totally dark, and I couldn't tell who was sleeping on which side. I didn't know whose side of the bed was whose. Which I prob'ly should have, cuz I've gone in their room to wake Maria up from a nap, but I swear she's slept on both sides-- anyways, I just went to the closest side and stayed as far over on the edge as I could. Or I tried to... but I needed more covers cuz I got cold so I did scoot in some, I guess? So, I fell back asleep and didn't have any more nightmares, and when I woke up, it was just starting to get light out... and I could see Tommy was next to me. Maria wasn't there. She was up with the baby." That was all true, except Ellie omitted the fact that she was pretty sure which side was Tommy's because she remembered from that awful day she'd woken him up to ask where Joel was.

"So you were in bed with my brother all by yourself," Joel smirked.

"Yeah, I guess I was. You jealous?" she teased.

"Yes. Very."

She looked at him soberly. "I wanted him to be you so bad, Joel. I just laid there and... wished he was you, basically." Actually, Joel didn't need to know this, but she had done a little more than that: she had tried to pretend Tommy was Joel. Despite deciding that it would never work, weeks earlier, she had fucking tried. She had closed her eyes and scooted in close enough that her arm was just barely grazing his, as she lay on her stomach. It had sort of worked, for a little while. Then she'd pretended to still be asleep when Tommy woke up. She had even arranged her hair to cover her face, and... well, to be a big old mess, really, in case that invited him to fix it for her... maybe pet it a little bit, the way Joel used to.

He didn't, though. He hadn't touched her at all. She thought she might have heard a little chuckle to himself, like under his breath, before he got up.

"It'll be me next time," Joel assured her.

"It better be!" She leaned into him, laying her head on his shoulder and nuzzling his neck. "You're definitely the best nightmare-chaser."

"I'll try not to let you have any more of 'em."

She would probably never know if she'd been having more bad dreams because Joel wasn't there to nip them in the bud, or because her subconscious was actually more disturbed when she wasn't with him. "It's not like I've had tons. Maybe like... once a week? Less than that, even."

"Still too many... at least you won't be alone anymore."

"So... we are going to sleep in the same bed, then?"

"Hopefully."

She sighed. "It's not together enough if we're not. If I'm sleeping down the hall from you, I'll just sneak--"

"No no, I meant... hopefully it'll be a bed." He squeezed her. "It sounds like we're on the same page here: we want to be together -- live together... be alone together, like a real couple... no matter the cost."

"...The cost?"

"Meanin'... even if we have to leave town."

"I don't care where we are. As long as I'm with you, I'm good."

"Yep -- same page. Hopefully it won't come to that."

"Yeah, cuz... if it does, would they be cool with that? I mean... if their whole thing is they have to protect me from you, why would they let us leave together?"

"You've already proven you can get outta here if you really want to," he reminded her. "But we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. And I... I won't let them keep us apart, this time. I know I've said that before an' then... not really done it... but I swear, Ellie..."

She pulled back to look at him, touched by... something in his voice. "Things are... different now?"

"I'm different. I had all this time to think... to figure shit out... and it felt like... I wasn't really doin' that. Wasn't gettin' anywhere. Like I kept... thinkin' in circles or somethin'. I was waitin' for... for a bolt of lightnin' to hit me, to make me suddenly have all the answers. Thing is... it never did. Spirit was the 'bolt' that got me headin' back in this direction, but I still had to make a decision." He paused... and to Ellie, it felt more like he was trying to find the right words rather than expecting her to weigh in, so she waited patiently for him to continue. "Eventually I realized... a couple things. One, that I needed to talk things through with you -- now that you've had time to do your own thinkin', without bein' influenced by me. That I can't just... unilaterally decide things all the time an' chalk it up to you bein' young. We have... an adult relationship, and you deserve to be treated like an adult."

She blushed with pleasure at that. "You don't decide everything," she said charitably. "I get that you're older... and have more experience and stuff. I mean, you know I don't always make the best decisions."

"Which is part of bein' young... growin' up. But maybe... maybe next time you'll tell me what's goin' on instead of tryin' to... I don' know..."

"Instead of doing something really stupid, you mean."

"All I've ever wanted to do is help you. But bein' so... my-way-or-the-highway about things created this... parental law type deal that you naturally want to--"

"Nooooo it's not like that!" she chuckled.

"Ain't it? At least a little? -Or are you tryin' to talk me out of seein' you more like an adult now?"

"No! Okay -- fine, I get it. I see what you're saying. I think you're just being too hard on yourself, as always. I like it when you tell me what to do. -Sometimes, anyway. I mean... if I make a really dumb decision, you're not just gonna go along with it, are you?"

"Uh... I s'pose not. If you come to me an' say you're gonna pretend to seduce a soldier who likes young--"

"Ugh! Yeah -- like that. I wasn't seducing him, by the way... but whatever. You would still stop me."

"Of course. Aside from that whole business, Monterey was... easy. We had no conflicts there. No adversity. Very little threat from the Outside. Biggest decisions we made were whether to snooze on the beach or play in the water. Or which song to request at campfire."

He was oversimplifying things a bit, but... fuck YEAH it was easy! "The good old days," she sighed.

"We were just there... what, four months ago?"

"Closer to five, really. They're over with now, so... yeah. Old."

"All right then. The good old days. You remember how everyone treated us?"

"Yeah. They loved us."

"They... at least tolerated us. No one saw fit to... tell me I was gonna ruin your life, or--"

"Because that's fucking bullshit!"

"Says you."

"...And you, right?!"

"For the most part."

"Ugh, Joel--"

"I know -- just listen. It was easy there, because... no one challenged me. I got real comfortable with it, real quick. Maybe finally crossin' that line... intimacy-wise... maybe that had somethin' to do with it, too. No goin' back from that."

"And there shouldn't be!"

"Right. Well... as soon as comin' back home became a... a real concept, not jus' somethin' on the horizon... I started havin' doubts again."

"What kind of doubts?"

"Like maybe I wasn't doin' right by you. That I needed to... think more about the long-term, instead of just livin' in the now."

"But--"

"Just let me finish, all right? It seemed like... the way things kept goin', it's like that notion was... reinforced. Validated."

"What things?"

"Not bein' able to keep you safe. That was one of my main justifications for bein' with you, and when it--"

"But you do!" she cried. "I'm safer with you than with anyone else! God, I wish you could like-- just be inside my brain, and see how much safer I feel when I'm with--"

"How you feel. It's an illusion."

"No it fucking isn't! I mean -- obviously you're not superhuman or anything, but I'm telling you, compared to--"

"All right all right -- it's beside the point anyhow. What I was gettin' at is... I'm done thinkin' that way. Thinkin' that... I have to justify it. I've had thoughts like that before, and I end up just writin' 'em off as bein' selfish, but... what if it ain't? Why can't it be enough that you love me back? Ain't that a good enough reason to be with--"

She cut him off with a kiss -- because she was just too excited not to kiss him for that!

He kissed her back, but he was too amused to really get into it. "Mm, that was nice of you... thought you might smack me for that instead..."

"Why?" she laughed.

"Oh... maybe 'cause it's what you've been sayin' all along? That I should let you decide what would make you happy?"

She grinned. "Yeah... I have been saying that, haven't I. It's okay. You're not as smart as me about this type of stuff. Prob'ly cuz you're a guy."

"I see. And you say I'm sexist?" he teased.

"Yep! I guess you're not the only one! But seriously, Joel... if you really mean that... that's awesome. Thank you."

"I mean it. Remember, I ain't sayin' that I'll never... feel any guilt whatsoever, about the age difference--"

"You shouldn't feel any!"

"...But it won't be to the point that... I decide we shouldn't be together, on account of it. Sound good to you? Can you live with that?"

She felt the tears rising up again, but she didn't really care. "That sounds awesome to me." And it sounded too good to be true, quite frankly, but she didn't give a fuck about that either! She and Joel were together now, and they would never be apart again: all was right with the world.

~Continue to Chapter 48~

"Singularity" Chapter 46: "If You Love Someone" [46/49]

2022-11-09T13:17:37Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 46: "If You Love Someone" [46/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,452
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Day 24

Eventually, Ellie stopped expecting Joel to return.

Well... not entirely. She just stopped expecting it on a routine basis as she marked the days off her calendar every morning. Hopeful thoughts of "I wonder if today's the day he'll come back!" were simply not sustainable. She kept counting the days, though. Even though he'd fucking told her not to. (Or... especially because he'd fucking told her not to?) He could be gone for months... even years. She just... couldn't keep hoping like that, only to experience fresh disappointment, over and over again.

Opening night for the town production of The Wizard of Oz fell on Day 24 of no Joel (Ellie knew he didn't give a shit about it and would not have made any special effort to return for it, but it didn't matter -- she still measured time by how many days it had been since he left). Despite her extreme lack of enthusiasm about the play these days, she found herself getting caught up in the excitement of pretty much everyone else in town; it was so contagious that she was convinced even Joel would have felt it. And she so badly wanted to share it with him! Maybe the next one... maybe she wouldn't be watching from the seats, because maybe Joel would have returned by then, restoring her zest for life and all that, and she would be in the play. Anxious as fuck... sick with anticipation and nerves... and FUCK the consolation prize of a one-of-the-masses role. If I don't get a part, then I just don't get a part. She could handle the disappointment. In fact, she would be the best-equipped to handle it out of anyone -- because when it comes down to it, who really gives a fuck?! It's not life or death! For this play, however, Ellie was merely a spectator, so she felt anxious on Clicker's behalf. Did he rehearse enough? What if he fucks up his lines? Again, not the worst thing in the world, but she reeeeeally wanted him to do well!

Ellie's biggest contribution to the production, apart from moral support, was the programs. With just a little guidance in the beginning, she had designed and printed them herself, only enlisting help from the others with folding the finished product in thirds (because she would have been bored to tears if she'd had to do all the thousands of folds by herself!). She felt a surge of pride in her work when she looked around and saw people reading them or pointing things out to each other -- and she felt a surge of annoyance every time she had to rescue one from being stepped on in the aisle!

The auditorium was fucking packed. It was predicted to be standing room only, and a half hour before show time, it was well on its way there. Ellie hadn't been to all, or even most of, the town meetings in here, but she'd never seen the place even half this full. She was having a hard time saving the five seats she'd managed to secure for herself, Annie, Will, Esther, and Meredith (thankfully, Ellie didn't need to worry about saving seats for the girl's family as well, because Meredith was going to watch it again with them the following night or something). They were sweet seats, too -- seventh row, not center but not way on the end, either. People kept asking if they were taken, or like... not even asking -- just assuming that she was obnoxiously taking up three seats herself and draping her sweater over the other two for fun, she supposed, because they kept trying to get her to move so they could sit. Most people were cool when she said they were taken, but some got annoyed... told her "there's no saving seats" or some shit... but Ellie wouldn't back down. She nearly told someone to suck her dick, but managed to hold her tongue, as there were small children in the next row.

Oh shit... it's going to be harder to hold my tongue now... fucking Christine was now brushing past people, on her way to Ellie's seats! She came back to town for this? The bitch apparently hadn't noticed that Ellie was the one trying to preserve the seats; she did a double take when she got closer.

"These are taken!" Ellie informed her coldly, but Christine kept moving towards her.

"You all are gonna have to move," Christine replied, unfazed. "Either move or come back tomorrow. This is the only night Farm 4 will be here -- we came all this way and everything -- so we were guaranteed to have seats." She even turned and started waving some people over... Colton?!

Oh man... Annie hadn't been talking about him much lately, maybe because she hadn't seen him in so long... but Ellie would bet she'd still love to watch the play with him. Not with Christine, though -- ugh! Ellie glared at the smirking cunt. "Oh yeah? Well, you're not guaranteed these seats. They're TAKEN."

"Um, yeah, see, I don't think you're allowed to do that. You're the only one here and you can't take up five for yourself. Tommy said we can--"

"Oh, fu--" --Ellie barely caught that one in time-- "--I don't care what Tommy said, you can't just kick people out of their seats! I got here early to get good ones." Where IS Tommy anyway... he had said he would come check things out at the start, more for crowd control than anything else -- he and Maria weren't actually going to come watch the play until the next night, when Ellie would be babysitting. Although now she was starting to regret agreeing to that, because she already felt like she'd want to come to all three shows! She might have to get Chelsea or someone to cover for her.

"Actually, we can, if there aren't--"

"Meredith! Over here!" Ellie caught sight of the girl while scanning the room for Tommy -- and Ellie had never been so happy to see her before! She could certainly use the backup. Ellie waved her arms around until Meredith took notice of her, then turned to Christine (who was still the only one of the group who'd actually ventured into Ellie's territory). "Look -- you guys don't have to sit together. There's more than five of you so you're gonna have to split up into smaller groups anyways. There's plenty of seats left. Now if you would kindly move your ass, one of my party needs to get through here." I can plant Meredith on this end and I'll take the busier end cuz I think I'm prob'ly a little meaner than she is...

Christine was clearly getting frustrated. "Fine -- but your other three aren't here yet, so we get these three."

"No way," Ellie scoffed. "They'll be here any minute. If you don't get out of my face, I'll push you out of the row myself!" Christine didn't seem to find this intimidating, so Ellie looked past her to Meredith. "Come around the other way!" she called to the girl, trying to mime it as well in case she couldn't hear.

"Excuse me -- are those seats--"

"They're taken!" Ellie snarled at the person coming from the other direction. Okay so right now, I'm really missing Joel for his GLARE OF DOOM!

"Where's Joel?" Christine asked -- like she had read Ellie's fucking mind.

Ellie whirled back to face her... and she couldn't tell if the bitch knew or not. She decided she probably didn't, because who would have told her up on that farm? Unless there had been a delivery or something, no one up there would have known -- and even then, the transport crew might not have thought to mention it (because why would they?). "He's not here right now, obviously," Ellie gritted out. Suddenly she remembered what she'd said to Christine the last time she saw her -- that fun little fib about sucking Joel's dick -- fuck! She wouldn't bring that up in front of all these people, would she?!

"Chris! Over here!"

...Chris? Ellie followed Christine's gaze back to Colton (yes, he was calling her that -- and Ellie didn't like it one bit).

"There's two together back here!" he continued.

Ellie liked that even less! Like 'two' as in... just the two of them?

"Coming!" Christine called back sweetly; apparently, the prospect of having Colton to herself was more appealing than tormenting Ellie. She just tossed one last look of disgust back at Ellie and finally started moving away.

It was easier to protect the seats with a guard stationed on both ends of the five. As it turned out, Ellie's friends arrived just a few minutes afterward. "Annie! OVER HERE!" Ellie bellowed.

"Your group is finally here? Thank God," someone grumbled down the row. An Idaho person. Ellie didn't bother to respond with anything more than a dirty look.

Wait... they're not ALL here... Annie was threading through first. "Where's Will?" Ellie asked when she reached the seats, giving her a quick hug.

"My brother has decided he is too good to sit with us lowly family member types," Annie replied, sounding more amused -- or at least resigned? -- than annoyed.

"He said Tyler was saving him a seat," Esther confirmed. "And he's probably already here... don't see him, though..."

"Oh -- here, you can sit on this side--" Ellie swapped places with Annie so she could sit by Meredith. Because fuck being jealous; Ellie was over that. People could have multiple close friends (as she herself did). Besides, trivial shit like that didn't matter at all, now that Joel was gone. Like... the magnitude of the Joel-centric pain -- of not being with him, of not knowing if he was okay, of possibly losing him... all that shit! ...it didn't seem to leave much room for other hurts.

Esther was looking around for Will, and Ellie didn't really want Annie do to the same, because what if she saw... uhhhh... wait a minute. Why is Christine sitting with that guy... what's his name... Lawrence? Where's Colton?!

Ellie scanned the room and quickly located him -- he was still trying to find seats for people. Like... not even people from Farm 4, it looked like? Just... random people? Aww, that's so sweet of him!

So, apparently when he had called Christine over with the promise of two seats, he totally hadn't meant that he wanted to sit with her; there were actually no other open seats around Christine and Lawrence. Ha! Bet she was PISSED when she realized-- Oh my God, I have the BEST idea! "I'll be right back," Ellie announced... more to Esther than to Annie. "Don't let anyone sit here! In either of these seats! Just -- yeah, sit in the middle empty one like that and no one should even try to take them."

Ellie tried to slip by everyone in the row without disturbing them, but most had to stand up to let her pass. (...She may have accidentally bumped into the snarky irritated person extra hard.) "Colton!" she yelled. FUCK, it's loud in here!

But she managed to get his attention and pull him out of the fray enough to speak to him. "So it turns out we have an extra seat," she said, trying to sound casual. "Do you wanna come sit with us? Annie-- er-- we would like that." Don't wanna make it LOOK like a set-up, right? Ugh, maybe that was too eager--

"That's nice of you, Ellie... thank you... but Frankie's holding a seat for me already... over there, see her?" He pointed her out... quite a few rows behind Ellie's, and not as close to the center.

"Our seats are better!" Ellie pointed to her row. "And you see Frankie every day, don't you? When was the last time you saw Annie? Do you even remember? You guys used to be friends, right?" Laying it on a little thick, maybe...

"Uh... yeah? Far as I know, we still are?"

"Okay! So come sit with your friend you haven't seen in ages." Ellie even started yanking him by the arm towards her row.

"Whoa whoa whoa -- wait a second... jeez! I can't just leave Frankie up there by herself -- you only have one extra seat?"

Aww, man... "Yeah... but it can be two, if I go somewhere else?" she offered. Okay wow so now he HAS to know how desperate I am to get him to sit with Annie! Is that good or bad, though?!

Colton looked at her a moment, then shook his head, smiling. "I mean... if you really want me to sit there so bad..."

"I do!"

"...Why don't you take my seat with Frankie, then? She won't mind -- she likes you."

Ellie pondered this. If I go up there now, I might even have time to pump her for dirt on Christine! "Deal! And... look, Tommy's here helping people find seats now so you can just go. Seeya later!" She pretended that she didn't see him open his mouth to speak before she took off. He can explain it to them!

Frankie was so busy chatting with the person in the seat next to her that she didn't even notice Ellie taking Colton's empty seat. And when she finally did, Ellie had to smile as Frankie gasped and gave a little start.

"Christ almighty, girl, don't sneak up on people like that!" she admonished Ellie -- and now she seemed to be completely overdoing it, heaving noticeable breaths and clutching at her heart.

Ellie giggled; she liked Frankie. "I didn't really, but okay. Um, I hope you don't mind that Colton decided to sit with Annie." Ellie gestured vaguely toward their seats. "He didn't think you'd care if I... uh... he didn't think you'd mind sitting by me instead."

"Oh. Huh. That's interesting." Frankie looked over at Colton and Annie... and Ellie couldn't get a good read on her expression.

"Yeah. They're old friends." Sure, cuz it's been like... ten months now? That could qualify as 'old,' by certain standards.

"Of course I don't mind," Frankie said breezily. "You can be my date for the evening."

Her date?! But Frankie was old, so... yeah, she's just teasing. Ellie saw an opportunity here, though... "I think Christine thought that Colton would be her date -- or at least sit with her? -- so she's probably..." Ellie quickly located Christine to see if she -- oh yeah, she noticed him, all right! "Yep -- she's pissed! What's the deal with those two anyway? Do you know?"

Frankie snorted. "Don't know for sure... other than she has the hots for him. That's plain as day. You don't like her much, do you." It wasn't even a question.

"Yeah, um... 'much' would be an overstatement. I don't like her at all. She's a whore. She stole Annie's boyfriend last summer. And she just... says mean nasty things whenever she can. She is not a nice person." Usually Ellie didn't tend to badmouth people to people she didn't even know... but the fucking cunt deserves it!

"Mm. Well... you know me'n'Christine are the only two girls up there, right? Outside of the family. So we share a room -- our own private bunkhouse, brand spanking new. You saw it getting built, didn'thca? That day you visited? They just finished it up, couple weeks back. But I tell you what--"

Ellie waited for her to continue, but she seemed to be having second thoughts about sharing whatever she'd been about to disclose. "What?" Ellie encouraged her. "You can tell me. I won't say anything to her." ...Maybe? ...Probably?

"It's nothin', just... I mean, it's none of my business, but... one can't help noticing certain things about one's roommate. And that girl has spent many a night away from her bed. Tries to sneak back in real early in the morning so's I won't notice."

"But... you notice. Obviously." Shit!

"I notice when I notice. Maybe not all the time. Thing is, I don't get the feeling Colt likes her like that. I think he would tell me if the two o' them was hookin' up, but... who knows. He's also not really the kiss'n'tell type, so maybe he wouldn't. What I do know is she had a thing with Rory, for a little while. And I don't feel bad telling you that because they sure weren't trying to hide it. Maybe it's still goin' on and that's who she goes to see, only they wanna keep it more on the down low now?" Frankie shrugged.

"Rory..." Ellie tried to place the name. One of those two brothers up there, I think? "Isn't he like... old?"

Frankie chuckled. "A few years older than me, so... sure, I guess you can say that."

"Oh, I didn't mean--"

"Relax, hon -- we're all old to you, I know. He's the younger brother. And Christine... she is nineteen, right? That's what she says. So it's all good."

"Yeah," Ellie grumbled. Man... I can't wait until I'M nineteen and can fuck whoever I damn well please!

...Meaning Joel, of course. The only person she would ever want to fuck. No matter how long he stayed away.

Back to the matter at hand! Christine was a fucking hypocrite, giving Ellie shit about Joel being old when she had a thing with a thirty-something dude herself. Possibly multiple thirty-somethings. Still, Ellie was glad to hear that the skank apparently hadn't managed to make her way into Colton's pants. Because he would've told Frankie! They're besties, and he has no reason to hide it! Although... guys could be secretive about that shit... Ellie couldn't really imagine Joel blabbing about their relationship to people even if Ellie had been eighteen. It sounded like Frankie hadn't even so much as caught Colton checking Christine out, though, so that was encouraging. "Yeah, anyways... I think Colton and Annie are cute together, don't you?"

Frankie studied them thoughtfully... and Ellie wondered what she could glean from the backs of their heads. They ARE sitting like... KIND of closer together than necessary? Like he's kinda leaning more towards her than Esther, at least...

"They are, I guess," Frankie agreed...ish. "Don't know this... Annie."

"She's awesome," Ellie assured her (...and the fact that Colton apparently hadn't gushed about Annie to Frankie didn't necessarily mean anything, right?). "She'd be way better for him than Christine." Then again, literally ANYONE IN TOWN would be!

"That may be... except for one thing: Annie lives in town, and Colton doesn't."

Ellie squirmed a little; she hadn't figured out how to remedy that point yet.

The lights flickered, and there was a collective gasp in the auditorium. Of all nights, the power picks TONIGHT to go wonky?! But then Ellie realized that wasn't the case -- people around her started murmuring something about a two-minute warning, and she could faintly hear Tommy announcing that very thing as best he could over the din. "Oh, I get it... so people know it's time to quit dicking around and get their butts in their seats," Ellie explained to Frankie. I never would've even thought to do that... they really put a lot of planning into this thing!

Ellie felt herself getting caught up in the contagious excitement again as a happy piano tune started playing (the crew had moved that piano all the way in here from someone's house!). Everywhere she looked around the auditorium, all she saw was smiling, happy faces. Even Joel would be smiling if he--

Ugh, NO. You are not going to ruin this for me, Joel! Because that's what thoughts of Joel always did -- the intensity of the pain attached to them ruined whatever moment she was in.

And when the lights went out for real, focusing everyone's attention on the stage... when the spotlight followed Dorothy up the aisle and onto the stage, where instead of a curtain and a movie screen there was now a farmhouse and crates and Uncle Henry and Auntie Em... and Dorothy calling frantically for Toto... all of it made Ellie feel like she really had been transported to another world. A fantasy world, where there was no Joel and no Ellie. Only the people in costume were real, and they were magically bringing a story to life right in front of her eyes. Ellie got the sense that anything could happen... because it wasn't pre-recorded perfection from ancient times that had nothing to do with her -- it was happening right now. And even though she wasn't actually on stage, she was a part of it!

* * * * *

The whole auditorium exploded with applause at the end, and then exploded again when the cast came out one by one to take a bow. Ellie clapped and yelled for each person, making sure to be extra obnoxiously loud for Clicker, who had nailed it! As far as she could tell, he hadn't fucked up any of his lines -- or if he had, he'd ad libbed adequately. Frankie yelled and whooped for him as well, without even being prompted by Ellie (although Ellie had told her he was her friend when the play started). At the very very end, the entire row held hands and did a cool-looking ripple bow thing -- and there was so much noise that Ellie's ears were ringing. She couldn't remember ever hearing anything so loud, outside of gunshots and actual explosions!

People weren't in any hurry to leave, either; there was something called a "meet and greet" with the actors afterwards (which must have been a holdover from olden times, because hadn't everyone already met all the actors?! ...except possibly some Idaho or Farm 4 people, she supposed), with refreshments served and everything. That would be out in the lobby area, but Ellie had noticed some people going 'backstage' (which was actually this cool little outside area created just for the play, with trailers and tarps and temporary fencing). She really wanted to find Clicker and tell him how awesome he'd done, especially with the brain song, which was probably Ellie's favorite part of the whole play, if she had to pick one. The play was far from perfect, technically -- some of the kids had royally messed up their lines, and some of the props hadn't stayed perfectly in place -- but in Ellie's eyes, that didn't detract from the perfection one bit. No major disasters, like a speaker blowing out or someone falling off the stage and breaking their leg or something.

It took her and Frankie a minute to even make their way out, and another few to meet up with Annie and the others in the lobby... but once they did, Ellie actually excused herself almost immediately and worked her way back through the auditorium, toward the stage. She knew that if you walked behind the curtain on the side there would be a door leading to the backstage area, and she probably wasn't supposed to go there, but there was no one around who cared to stop her.

There was a fair amount of noise and commotion backstage as well, yet Ellie managed to locate Clicker fairly quickly. He was surrounded by people: his parents... Wyatt and some other D&D friends... Alyssa and her BFF, Rainne...

Alyssa. Pffft, that girl will just not leave him alone! Ellie started walking over there, trying to catch Clicker's eye...

...but then... Something made her stop in her tracks.

She could probably get Clicker's attention... run up to him and give him a hug and gush about what an amazing job he'd done... make him forget all about that little girl in a heartbeat. But... I think he might actually LIKE her? Clicker was pretty animated in general, and tonight, he was amped up to a level beyond the norm. Maybe that was all she was noticing. Just... she couldn't be sure. Alyssa said something to him, and he smiled... laughed, even... kind of swatted her arm a little... the ARM! That's KEY! Ellie remembered from her romance research. Alyssa wasn't exactly hanging all over him or anything, but she was... well... getting closer than a friend would. And Clicker wasn't shrugging her off, or moving away...

He does. He LIKES her. I can tell.

Part of Ellie wanted to just march right up to the kid and make a big show of hugging him and stuff. Probably just to see if she could succeed in stealing his attention -- and affections -- from the other girl. To see Alyssa scowl and glare daggers at her as Clicker promptly started ignoring her in favor of Ellie.

But the bigger part of her wasn't that spiteful.

Ellie ducked out of there before Clicker noticed her (hopefully... at any rate, he didn't chase after her). It was relatively quiet back in the auditorium, as most of the audience had proceeded out to the lobby or perhaps had left the premises by now. Was Joel right? The second I'm out of the picture, he starts liking her again? She wasn't exactly 'out of the picture' now, but she'd definitely seen a lot less of him in the past twenty-four days -- since Joel had left (and she could add a few extra days, really, since she and Joel had both been out of town just before that). She had zero interest in gaming with him -- she'd even had Wyatt kill off her D&D character, despite Clicker's protests. She was barely in the library at all, so she didn't see him in the pit or at the movies, or playing computer games... chess... board games... whatever. He had actually stopped by the house to check on her a few times -- and each time, she hadn't been home. She had told Maria she would go talk to him "later" to let him know she was okay and stuff. But then... she never did.

Man... I hate it when Joel's right. But just because he MIGHT be right about Clicker doesn't mean he's right about US! After everything they'd been through together, everything they'd shared... did he really think she would just go running into some new person's arms as soon as he left her alone, just because he wished it? Because it would make things fucking easier for him?!

Ellie tried to talk herself into joining her friends in the next room... but found that she'd had enough socializing for the day. Even though she didn't usually just take off without saying goodbye to people (...cuz that's more Joel's thing? Pfffff), she figured no one would really miss her in all this chaos. It wasn't like she'd arrived with anyone; she had met them all here. Her companions knew she'd gone to congratulate Clicker and would just assume they were hanging out or something. And Annie... well, Ellie could ask her about Colton tomorrow, when they were alone. Plus, Ellie would be more in the mood for the recap by then, she decided. So she slipped out the exit door on the non-backstage side and stole off into the night. No big deal.

The thought of recounting the play for Tommy and Maria was suddenly unbearable, too, for some reason, so she didn't go straight home. She headed for Ghost Town, which was already shrinking a little as clusters of houses at the end of several streets were getting fixed up for people to move into. But there were still plenty of abandoned houses for her to wander by... plenty of empty streets for her to traverse. No one to care where I am...

That was a lonely thought. And it wasn't entirely true: Tommy and/or Maria would wait up for her if she was out late. She had been pissed the first time that happened, reminding them that they weren't her parents, threatening to go stay in 'Joel's house' by herself if they rode her ass too much (which was a totally empty threat, as she had no desire to stay there without Joel). But secretly... deep down... she'd been kind of happy to know they cared. Even when she was an absolute bitch to them, they cared. She was trying to be nicer to them these days. Like, she was still angry at them for pushing Joel out and all, but... they knew that. They knew she was angry, and that she disagreed with them on pretty much everything Joel-related. Rubbing their faces in it had grown tiresome, and saying the same things over and over wouldn't change anything. Despite her previous 'brilliant' idea about winning them over to Joel's side -- winning Tommy over, in particular -- Ellie was now convinced that nothing would change their minds.

More importantly, nothing would bring Joel back. That was the harshest reality of all: she was just stuck waiting for him to decide when it was time to return. She couldn't decide anything -- like whether or not she should go find the Fireflies -- until he did.

And when she talked to Tommy and Maria about Grayson -- or whenever she was just with Grayson, period -- the anger and hurt receded a bit. It was weird, because after her fake pregnancy had epicly fucked things up with Joel, she would have thought that being around a baby would be the last thing she would want, but she didn't mind. In fact, she even liked it. She adored that kid, after all. And he was an innocent, in all things. It was... refreshing?

I never thought I would miss Joel thinking I'm innocent! But she did. If only there was a way to go back in time and undo the things she had done. All the mistakes that she'd made -- not just the last one. She longed to be his sweet, innocent baby girl again.

And oh how she missed his... smothering, is what he'd called it. Ellie called it caring. If they had gone to the play together, and for some reason, she wanted to be alone afterward, like this... she never could've just left this way, without a word to him or anyone else. But, she also probably wouldn't have had the opportunity in the first place, because he would've gone with her to see Clicker backstage if she told him that's what she wanted to do.

Damnit, Joel... this was a fun night! Why do you have to ruin it right now?! Well, fuck that -- I'm not going to let you. I'll go for this walk and maybe kick some shit around and be pissed off for a little while, and then I'll go home and tell Tommy and Maria about the play and I'll feel better and go to sleep with only the FUN parts swirling around in my brain.

She would do it, too. Ellie was getting really good at managing her emotions... controlling the duration she allowed herself to feel them. After twenty-four long-ass fucking days without Joel, she'd learned a thing or two about that. Some things actually did get easier with the passage of time.

That night, she couldn't bear to listen to the sad song in her walkman -- and suddenly couldn't bear that it even existed. She just wanted it gone. But she managed to control her impulse to smash the device, knowing she would regret it later (especially since it was getting harder to fix; Joel had fixed it for her last time it broke, and she didn't have that luxury anymore).

She simply put it in her backpack and vowed to return the cassette to the library the next day. She didn't need it anymore, but maybe it could offer solace to someone else someday.

Day 75

Eventually, Ellie stopped blaming Joel for 'ruining' things that he wasn't actually a part of. And she even stopped blaming Tommy for driving Joel away. (Maria, too, but she still felt like it had really been more Tommy.) Joel was responsible for his own choices... and Joel was the one throwing away what they had. Because he had stopped loving her. She didn't want to believe that, but it was the only explanation that made sense. Yes, she had fucked up, and that much was her fault, but... the way she saw it, it still came down to if he really loved me unconditionally like he said he did, he'd FORGIVE me and COME BACK.

She had decided to skip the 4th of July party this year... and then un-decided that, indirectly, thanks to Maria. It was another fun thing for the whole town to enjoy, and now Ellie knew the full story behind Maria's reason for skipping it the past two years... she just couldn't let on that she knew -- not without telling her how she and Joel had met Paul on the road, and she had promised Paul she wouldn't do that (besides, it would probably only cause Maria more pain). It was going to be Grayson's first party; he was almost four months old, which they said was old enough to not need to be isolated so much from the unwashed masses (as Tommy had amusingly put it!). Maria didn't want to miss that, but... her dad... the memories...

Ellie could empathize. She and Joel hadn't even gone to last year's party together (due to him breaking her heart the first time, the day before it), yet Ellie still didn't want to go because of the fucking memories.

Until it just struck her as absurd that she and Maria were like... basically afraid of something that was supposed to be fun, and that would be fun if they could just let go of the depressing past crap and focus on making new memories instead. There were tons of new people this year, and Grayson was new to the whole planet, so... why not? And when Ellie's musings had gotten a "You know what? You're right!" response from Maria, she had felt so satisfied! Like... Ellie really felt like she had helped Maria reframe the matter in her head. She had made a difference.

That night had still imparted its share of pain, to each of them... but they both decided that in the end, the good had outweighed the bad, and they were glad they went. For Ellie, it felt like an accomplishment -- it was her first party post-Joel. Another 'first' she had gotten through on her mental list of things she would now be doing without him. (She could have marked 'first wedding' off the list back in May, but no fucking way was she ready to face a wedding without him -- so she had happily babysat Grayson instead!)

And then there was a 'first' that meant absolutely nothing because Joel wasn't with her: their one-year anniversary. It had come and gone... no Joel, which is what she had expected (her stupid heart had just been hoping -- UGH). Like he had told her before he left -- he probably hadn't even known what day it was. Wherever he was, he wouldn't have known that he was supposed to be celebrating their love that day.

It was one day Ellie had allowed herself to be a totally pathetic loser, wallowing in self pity for as long as she wanted. She swapped farm shifts with someone so she could spend most of the day holed up in what used to be their house. She had cried, of course. How could she not? Remembering how... fucking elated she had been a year ago that day, when she was so thrilled just to be able to kiss him. How she had assumed they'd be having sex, and Joel had had to explain why they wouldn't be doing that for a long time. She hadn't really cared about that, of course, because just to be able to touch him... hug him... kiss him... all of it was so new and exciting! And she just knew that they would be together forever -- that she would never ever do anything to fuck things up, because she would do whatever she had to do to make sure he was always happy with her. It was all so easy!

...Ha. The joke's on me. You were right, Joel: sooner or later, everything turns to shit.

Yes, she had wallowed for a while... and then she'd gravitated toward the guitar. At first, just idly strumming it had triggered the tears again. She found she didn't want to play any of the songs they'd worked on together, or anything she used to enjoy at campfire in Monterey. But she did want to play -- to create. To grab hold of her pain and mold it into something beautiful. People in Monterey told me I have a good voice, that I should sing more... and her singing was definitely prettier than her guitar-playing, that was for sure. But it didn't matter -- she was doing this for herself, not an audience. She could sing and play like shit and no one was around to care. She started jotting down possible lyrics that came to mind. Rearranging the words, trying to match them to chords... crafting the heart of a song, pretty much. And she immersed herself in it so much that she forgot all about crying. Forgot about everything in the whole world -- until her stomach growled at her demandingly. Then she actually went home and ate dinner and had a not-unpleasant evening.

More surprisingly, the next day she woke up feeling excited about getting back to the guitar and working on the song some more. Even though it was Saturday (still a day she had off), she couldn't get to it right away due to that farm shift she had swapped. But she didn't mind; the melody and lyrics churned in her head while she worked -- and it felt good to have something to look forward to.

Ellie found herself returning to the guitar again and again after that -- nearly every day. For some reason, she didn't tell anyone about it. She could have taken the guitar to Tommy and Maria's, practiced up in her room... Grayson would probably love it! But she didn't. It was too... private, or something. Too sacred. Even if she closed the door, it wasn't like they wouldn't know what she was doing. They would have to ask her about it. They'd probably ask her to play and sing for them, too. Only with the best of intentions, of course, just... no. I can't. She didn't even think she could share this with Joel.

But oh, how she longed to share just about everything else with him -- still. After all this time! She even missed the stupid things, like making 'sandy oatmeal' comments -- inside joke type things or references that no one else understood (it just wasn't the same if you had to explain). And every single time she saw someone wearing one of those obnoxiously-bright clown shirts, her heart ached anew. She couldn't help thinking sometimes that the fucking Wizard of Oz had been right when he'd questioned the Tin Man's desire for a heart, because he was lucky to not have one. No one had invented an unbreakable model yet! Between things Ellie wanted to tell Joel and things that reminded her of him... yeah, sorry, Joel, but I'm not forgetting you any time soon!

When she wasn't playing around with the guitar, she had taken to going for long walks. Not around the lake -- because that's what other people did. What she and Joel used to do as well. Now, she preferred the desolate streets of Ghost Town. Especially 'her' burnt house... because it was ugly and deformed and smelled bad. Universally unloved and unwanted. Ellie felt drawn to it. Sometimes she remembered the day she had spent hiding there, after learning the truth of what had happened in Salt Lake City... she remembered the thoughts that had plagued her then...

Should I go try to find the Fireflies and fulfill my destiny?

And now... she still couldn't dwell on this course of action. If Joel came back only to tell her he was leaving for good this time... well, that was a different story. Then she might need to revisit the question with a new perspective. Until then, it wasn't worth pondering.

One thing she did know: if he decided to leave her for real, she would respect his decision. She wouldn't try to trick him or guilt him or whatever-him into staying with her if he had decided that wasn't what he wanted. Because if it truly didn't make sense in his mind for them to be together, didn't that mean that on some level, he wasn't happy with her? She had been utterly miserable for a good portion of those last few days she'd spent with him, because the guilt was so... crushing. She didn't think Joel had ever been that miserable with her, but... wasn't it the same basic concept? Something about it felt wrong to him, and it didn't matter how much he loved her -- wrong was wrong. Obviously, her 'wrong' was much worse than his, in reality, but that didn't matter, either -- all that mattered was Joel's perception of things. The way he felt, living in his skin. If he felt even half as shitty as she had felt... then maybe they were better off apart, because she wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone the man she loved more than anyone in the world. (...Okay, so she might wish it on her worst enemy. Ellie actually thought it was pretty dumb when people declared that they would never! Did they not hate their enemies?!)

Hopefully, it wouldn't feel so very wrong to him that he would choose to make their break permanent. But if it did go down like that... she might decide to leave town herself. Maybe to find the Fireflies, or maybe for other reasons. And while she might fantasize about Joel finding out and stopping her and declaring his undying love for her, she wasn't going to try to manipulate the situation to produce such a result. No... if she left, it would be because she truly wanted to -- and Joel wouldn't even know about her decision.

And maybe she wouldn't want to leave. She did have a good life here. Friends... a pseudo-family, even... safety and security, but also some measure of freedom... two years ago, she would have killed to have what she had now. Of course, back then, she hadn't really known what it felt like to live with a broken heart. She had thought she knew... but whatever emotional pain she'd suffered before? Joel had taken it and multiplied it by like... a million. Being around other people helped, somewhat... but it was like trying to fill this huge hole with a fistful of dirt. Especially when they tried to help. Or tried to distract her with inane things, like watching some stupid movie or playing some silly game. It ended up driving her to the guitar, or to Ghost Town...

She thought about Parker sometimes. How he spent so much time alone. He'd said something weird to her, on the boat that one day... about not having to be anyone, when he was alone. She felt like she had a better sense of what he meant by that now, although she wondered why, if he was truly happy with Caleb, he would still feel that way... and she would then wonder why she felt like Caleb or Joel should have any influence on such feelings whatsoever... why did she feel like she was nothing without Joel? She wasn't nothing. She was still herself. She existed apart from him.

And people just didn't get it. She wasn't very good at articulating her feelings -- especially when she didn't understand them perfectly herself -- so she supposed it wasn't their fault. But it made her feel very alone sometimes, which... made her want to be alone? It was kind of strange.

Even so, Ellie didn't spend all her free time alone. She went horseback riding with Annie sometimes. She went alone as well, but more often than not, Annie would join her. The length of the rides varied... today's was longer because they'd wound up in Ghost Town. Presently, they were seated in Annie's favorite spot: a love seat swing with a canopy, in a backyard that was just exploding with wildflowers. (Ellie quite liked the spot herself, but refused to take the 'favorite' label away from her ugly burned-out house!) They were each turned sideways because Ellie was plaiting Annie's hair into a lumpy French braid.

Maybe not as lumpy as usual, though? "I think I'm getting better at this," Ellie declared. "I mean... I don't think it will ever be totally smooth? Cuz that's just... how the style is. But the bumps don't feel as big, right?"

Annie's hand flew up to the top of her head to check out Ellie's handiwork so far. "Eh... maybe you were already good at it, cuz it feels the same as last time to me!"

Or maybe Annie was just too nice. Ellie tugged the next few strands into place. "~If only Colton could see it~..."

"Give it a rest already!" Annie twisted her head around to give Ellie a stern look. "I told you! Nothing--"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Ellie grabbed her friend's head and turned it back to the proper position. "Hold still!"

"I mean it," Annie replied, but she complied with the request. "If anything was going to happen, it would've happened by now."

"And I think you're severely overestimating the guy's... I don't wanna say intelligence, but..."

"He's had plenty of opportunities to... say something."

"Not really -- he left 4th of July practically right after you got there," Ellie pointed out. "And that was only because his group left, not because he wanted to leave. He had no choice."

Annie snorted. "You can make all the excuses you want, but if he really cared, I think he would... find a way. Somehow. Y'know? And it's not like he's... shy?"

Secretly, Ellie kind of agreed, but she didn't want her friend to give up hope. "I don't think it means he doesn't care about you, like, as a person. Maybe he wishes things could be different. He just thinks... the obstacles in your path are too big. Too hard to overcome. They might not be, in reality, but as long as he thinks they are--"

"Are you talking about Joel again?" Annie cut in, teasingly.

"No! Not everything is about Joel," Ellie grumbled.

"I think it is. And I can't blame you for thinking that because Joel left--"

"I'm not talking about Joel, okay?"

"Ow! Don't yank my hair out!" Annie laughed.

"Sorry. Almost done..." Ellie had tugged kind of hard on that last one.

"He'll come back," Annie said quietly.

"Who -- Joel? Who we're not talking about?"

"Yeah... he loves you too much not to."

Ellie wanted to believe that so bad. But Annie didn't know the whole story. Didn't know the horrible thing Ellie had done -- or any of the other mistakes she'd made. "What's that thing you said? If you love someone, let them go?"

"Close. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be."

Ellie finished the easy part of the braid quickly and tied the end into a little paintbrush head, then secured it with Annie's hair tie. "Yeah, well, I think whoever said that didn't count on there being stubborn-ass people like Joel involved. Here." She handed Annie's comb back to her.

"Thank you!" She slipped the comb into one of her dress pockets and righted herself in the seat, patting her hair happily. "Good for at least two days."

"Provided you don't slip in pig shit and have to wash it," Ellie added.

"Yes. Or even just plain old mud."

Ellie remained sideways in the seat, idly pushing off the ground with her toe to make it swing a little. "So... what if he does love me, but doesn't think that his feelings matter? Cuz of the age difference and all. Is it not ~meant to be~ then? Or--"

"Uh-huh -- so you do want to talk about Joel," Annie smirked.

"Ugh... I don't! But... okay, so I do. What if... the only way we can be together is if we leave here? Is it still... I mean I kinda thought meant to be means you're gonna be together no matter what."

Annie looked at her thoughtfully. "You'd go, wouldn't you. If he showed up and said it was the only way. That you can't go back to pretending."

"Um... probably? ...Yeah... yeah, I guess I would. How could I not? I love him."

Ellie had never explicitly told Annie that the romantic aspect of her relationship with Joel wasn't as one-sided as Ellie had led her to believe. And Annie had never come right out and asked her to confirm it. It just seemed like... Annie somehow knew. She seemed to think it had started in California -- which made Ellie wonder if Joel was wrong about her looking different now that she was no longer a virgin! At least to people who knew her well enough? -- and Ellie had just let her go on assuming that. Annie also never asked her if she was still a virgin or not... never asked for any details. Ellie got the feeling she wasn't all-the-way comfortable with the idea of her and Joel as a couple... but she was definitely trying. Annie would occasionally mention things like Rhett being twice Scarlett's age in Gone With the Wind... same with Colonel Brandon and Marianne in Sense and Sensibility... and other such books or movies from ancient times -- Annie loved all that shit.

Of course -- again -- no one even came close to the age difference between herself and Joel. Not in fiction, not in real life. Who even gives a fuck? The real reason Joel left is because I FUCKED UP.

And did she really want Annie to know what a horrible person she was? Hell no. Better that she didn't know. Best would be if she absolved Ellie of the guilt she felt about it... but Ellie couldn't take that chance. Because there was no guarantee that she would! I mean... "yeah, sure, Ellie, it's FINE that you made Joel fall in love with a baby that never existed. No biggie!" ...Really? And of course there was her... er... MIS-USE of sex? That had obviously hurt him. Going all the way back to California. Annie didn't know about any of that, either.

Despite owning her mistakes, Ellie still couldn't seem to help feeling hurt and angry at Joel for leaving anyway. That was a safe subject to discuss with her friend.

Ellie sighed. "I dunno, though... like... how can I trust him not to leave me again, right? He's already done it twice. Maybe if I had just let him go that first time, he would've come back by now and that quote... poem... whatever... it would be right. But I didn't -- I went after him, and fucked things up so bad... I mean, you have no idea how bad... I wish I could tell you..."

"You can! You can tell me anything you want. I'd never tell a soul. You know that."

"I know, I know. You're the only person I can really talk to... like this." The only person HERE, anyway... fuck, I miss Sophie! I hope I didn't fuck up her life on the beach... But several months had passed now, and Ellie liked to assume that her and Alex not returning to Jackson meant that things were still good over there. Or at least good enough. (And she really didn't care to entertain certain other possible reasons for them not returning.)

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you before," Annie was saying. "In the beginning. Or... right before the beginning? I still don't know exactly... you haven't really said..."

Ellie waved that off. "It's all kind of jumbled up in my head, too, so... yeah." ...Except we totally have an anniversary date? Whatever! That wasn't even the true start of their... whatever it was. "I get it. Your mom brainwashed you. Not your fault. ...You know, your mom... and everyone who thinks like her... Tommy, Maria... they assume the older person is the bad one. But it's not true! Joel treated me so much better than I treated him. Maybe... maybe this happened -- him leaving -- because I don't deserve him. Like, it was supposed to be ~meant to be~, but I--"

"Nooooooo no no," Annie shushed her. "I refuse to believe that. Whatever you did wasn't-- -You didn't cheat on him. Right?"

"Of course I didn't!" ...except that's actually debatable, with Shelby...

"Then it wasn't that bad. I saw you with him, Ellie -- you loved him. You were sweet to him. Just because you had arguments--"

"Trust me -- it was bad," Ellie cut her off before she could spew more oversimplified explanations; Annie just had no clue. "I... lied, basically. So much that he'll probably never trust me again."

Annie frowned. "Well... he did, too. He promised he'd never leave you, and he left. I think you guys would just have to... start fresh, you know? Clean slate. Just start all over. Let everything from the past just... stay in the past."

That sounds AMAZING... and totally impossible. "Right. Just forget all the pain? Trust that we'll never hurt each other again?"

"Yep! Clean slate. All the bad stuff is gone."

"...But then, so is all the good stuff. Right? Otherwise it's not really clean. It's still got gunk on it. Or whatever dirty slates have. ...What the fuck is a slate? Like a stone... slab... thing?"

"Yeah, like a mini chalkboard? I guess we don't have any real ones in the... ...hey, did you hear that?"

Ellie's ears perked up. "Hear what?"

"It sounded like Amelia, but I thought she was..." Annie scanned the yard for her horse.

"She went around the side before," Ellie told her. And because the gate had been left open, from like... maybe since before Ellie was born, as no one lived here and no one cared? it was kind of busted. Probably from the wind battering it about constantly. If Joel was here, I would ask him and he would know exactly how to get it to--

No -- stop. He's NOT here... --Fuck! Sometimes it would still hit her like an actual physical pain. A literal jab to the heart.

"She sounds happy, I think," Annie observed. "But she's usually quiet, so maybe we should..."

"Yeah," Ellie agreed. The horse she was riding that day had his nose buried in some flowers or grasses or something and couldn't care less about what was going on out front. "Stay behind me." Out of habit, Ellie drew her gun when they went around the side toward the busted gate. Any time she felt the slightest bit of unease or apprehension about her surroundings, she needed to feel prepared to act immediately.

When she walked through the gate...

Oh my God. Is that-- It CAN'T be--

"Spirit?!" Ellie couldn't believe her eyes. It must be another palomino who just strongly resembles--

"It sure looks like him!" Annie exclaimed when she caught up to her. "Look at Amelia... she knows him..."

The palomino locked eyes with Ellie -- started trotting toward her -- "It is! Holy fucking shit!"

She dropped the gun and flung her arms around his neck. Spirit rested his head on her shoulder like he was hugging her back -- just like he used to! Is this really happening?! Holy FUCK-- "Where did you come from, boy? Huh? Where have you been all this time? I wish you could tell me! How did you even get Inside without... ...without somebody..."

She stepped away from the horse and looked around, which answered one of her questions. There was a man, standing in the late afternoon shadows cast by the house across the street... even without being able to see him very well, Ellie knew who it was immediately: Joel!

~Continue to Chapter 47~

"Singularity" Chapter 45: "Built by Ruin and Run on Sin" [45/49]

2022-10-26T13:14:58Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 45: "Built by Ruin and Run on Sin" [45/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,501
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title is a lyric from the song "Ghost Train" by North Country Gentlemen

~

Joel had found that he quite liked robbing trains. And he wasn't half bad at it, to boot.

He reckoned he should feel at least a smidge bad about what he was doing. Sure, the goods came from the government/military, but it was meant to be distributed to QZs. Although he was sure that the soldiers who received the shit also skimmed off the top for themselves (and then cooked the books as needed), there was that whole... 'two wrongs don't make a right' thing. Still, Joel didn't feel even the slightest twinge of guilt: he was simply taking care of his own. (It didn't matter that they were only temporarily his own -- they were all survivors.) The way he saw it, the three of them were entitled to as fair a share as anyone else on the planet, regardless of whether they resided inside a QZ or not. They didn't take much, and what they did take, they used. It was the killing that sometimes accompanied the stealing... that's what should have sparked more guilt. But since it fell into the realm of "only if I have to" -- and basically amounted to self defense -- it didn't trouble him much, if at all. He wasn't killing women and children here -- these were grown-ass men. Perhaps not soldiers, per se (he couldn't really tell for sure)... but in Joel's eyes, they were not innocents, and "may the best man win" applied.

Best at combat, of course. No other 'best' factored into it.

It worked out nicely, having two men and a jeep for the job. The west-bound train was the one they needed, and it came through their area every seventh day, barring inclement weather, which wasn't much of a problem in these balmy summer months. On Train Day, Paul would drop Joel off near the tracks some place where he could easily hide yet still watch the train, then drive down a ways to a designated area and wait to pick him up. Easy as pie.

...On paper, anyway. In reality, it was impossible to predict all the factors involved. Even the speed of the train tended to vary. But they never ended up so far apart from one another as to be out of 'flare' range (and they could afford to sacrifice one round a week for this purpose).

There was a lot of waiting involved. That was his least favorite part about it (yes, that ranked even below the danger, on his scale). It wasn't so bad on Paul and Karma's end -- they just had to stay out of sight of the tracks but not go so far out that they wouldn't hear when the train came, and they could do some foraging or scavenging in the meantime. Karma liked to count the train cars, so sometimes she would just hang out inside a house with a view of the train while Paul scouted the area. On Joel's end, though... he couldn't go very far, and any time he moved to a different spot, he risked not being able to get back to cover quickly enough to avoid being spotted. If the train ever came to a complete stop, there was a good chance someone knew something was up. Sweet little Karma had offered to wait with him before ("it's not fair that you're always by yourself -- don't you get lonely?"). Technically, there was no reason they couldn't all wait together, but it made more sense for the two of them to go do other things and let Joel do the 'lonely' waiting. The girl's presence would be a distraction at best, a disaster at worst.

The waiting around inevitably led Joel to do some more thinking (which he was supposed to be doing anyhow as his second job, with the primary being survival-related activities). And the thinking wasn't getting him any closer to a resolution. He wasn't sure what he had expected... a sudden light bulb moment of clarity that rendered perfect sense out of all the disparate and contradictory thoughts swirling around in his head? He was probably just as likely to be struck by a goddamn bolt of lightning.

Nevertheless, he kept on thinking... unless his brain didn't want to cooperate. Today, it was hit or miss. It was maybe the fifth or sixth time he'd done this, so he'd nailed down the perfect waiting spot. If it was the right time of day, he'd be almost entirely in the shade from the moment he left it until he jumped the train. (After Ellie had cutely said it that way, rather than the colloquial hopping, Joel had started thinking of it as 'jumping' himself. ...And then she'd vowed that they would do it someday. God he missed her...) His 'people sense' apparently didn't extend to trains... possibly dulled by the fact that there were always at least two people operating it. Fortunately, the trains in use these days -- at least for this particular route -- weren't the sleek high-speed electric ones that resembled bullets. Nope, today's trains chugged along at a much more leisurely pace, and afforded plenty of opportunities to jump aboard. Armed with a crowbar, he could pry his way into just about any door and any kind of crate or container as needed. Granted, trying to open a door from the outside while pretty much hanging off of it wasn't ideal, so he stuck with the open boxcars. They still had regular doors at each end, but big open spaces on the sides where the sliding doors were either open or missing -- those were his ideal targets. Even though they were also more likely to be occupied by humans than the closed cars (chances were still good that he wouldn't encounter anyone). He wanted to pick up some more oil for the jeep this time, if possible. It was so much easier to steal oil and gas than to scavenge it, and since most thieves had no use for it, Joel felt like he could snatch a barrel here and there and still fly under the radar.

Hell... we can basically fly under the radar with the whole operation... so far, he hadn't been spotted by anyone he hadn't been able to subsequently silence. The first time... Joel had just left the body in the car. A close examination would likely reveal that the cause of death was unnatural -- strangulation -- but would anyone be able to say where it had occurred along the route? The second one was more problematic due to the guy falling off the car during their struggle. Joel had had to hop off, finish killing him real quick, then run like hell to catch back up to the train (it seemed to slow down a little when negotiating curves, so that helped). If he hadn't heeded Paul's advice about utilizing the middle cars as a starting point rather than the end, he might not have been able to catch up. After meeting up with Paul -- way the hell down the line from their estimate -- Joel had had to speak in code to let him know they needed to go dispose of the evidence... which Joel had taken care of while Paul took Karma for a little joyride.

This time, he only spent somewhere in the ballpark of two or three hours thinking (or daydreaming, as it were) when his ears perked up: it's go time! He assumed a crouching position and peered through the shrubbery; he was probably somewhere between fifty and a hundred feet away from the tracks, only susceptible to discovery if he emerged from cover too soon. He never moved an inch until at least fifteen or twenty cars had passed by -- and he didn't bother using the binoculars anymore, as they were more hindrance than help. His gut would have to tell him which car to start with, and today it would be... that blue one-- it was the last of three connected open cars, which might give him a big enough take that he didn't need to bother with any others, and far enough behind the flatcar for comfort (he'd noticed guards hanging out on or near those before... whether for the increased visibility, or to deter thieves from choosing that easy spot to hop on, or because the larger equipment and shit on there was more valuable, Joel couldn't say)(...although he would like to see someone try to make off with a goddamn forklift, guard or no guard; the things he'd seen loaded on those cars ranged from vehicles to construction equipment to heavy-duty building materials, none of it useful to a run-of-the-mill bandit).

He'd gotten the timing down pretty good by now, so he didn't start running until he knew the car would be more or less right in front of him; the running start would make the jump real easy. This time was no different, except-- is that a dude in the gray car? Could be-- Momentarily distracted, he still made the jump just fine into the blue car. He took a quick look around before he'd even righted himself, then set about checking out the cargo. The man he'd caught a glimpse of in passing had been slumped against a crate, in the first car in the line of three Joel had targeted... and might have actually been a sack of potatoes or something -- that was how uncertain Joel was about what he'd seen, being so far away and not getting more than a split-second look. It could even be a strategically-placed corpse serving as a scarecrow (or so Joel had speculated the last time he'd encountered a dead person on board). Whoever or whatever it was, no shots or threats had rang out, so there was a good chance Joel hadn't been spotted. However, based on the other shit he'd glimpsed in that car, he felt like he needed to check it out when he was done with this one. He made sure to keep himself positioned to face the door at that end while he set about his business -- and he would have done that out of habit anyhow. Joel wasn't in the habit of giving people the opportunity to sneak up on him.

Food was always the most important commodity, and there was plenty of it in this car. About half the crates were already open, which made Joel think he wasn't the first thief to hit this train. He stuffed as many cans into the satchel he'd brought for this purpose, grabbing things indiscriminately. When the bag was full, he closed the flap and crouched as low as he could, reached as far as he dared, and deposited it beside the track. It didn't stay upright, and he suspected at least a few cans had tumbled out of it, but he didn't take the time to watch (surely it had fared better than last time, when it had tumbled into a ditch and expelled every single damn can).

The nice thing about the cars with doorways being connected like this was that he never had to climb up on top or creep along the side to reach his next target; Joel crossed over to the next car easily. He scanned it for humans before entering... either that guy I saw in the next car wasn't really a guy, he was looking the other way and didn't see me, or he's asleep. Or possibly he just didn't give a shit, as long as Joel left him alone... but that seemed unlikely. No one liked being robbed, and even if this shit didn't actually belong to the men on this train, they probably felt some sense of ownership towards it. Enough to harbor a not-on-my-watch mentality, at least. Perhaps he was lying in wait for Joel, rather than pursuing him, although that didn't strike Joel as the smartest thing to do, given that he'd already looted more than he could carry from the last car and might very well have decided to hop off without even visiting that first car. Whatever the reason, no one was coming after Joel at the moment, so he was free to loot the second car. This one had...

...Huh. On top of a stack of crates nearly as tall as Joel, a mesh bag had either toppled over or been laid on its side such that its contents had started to spill out. Joel found himself practically eyeball to eyeball with an animal he couldn't help but associate with Ellie: a giraffe. ...Well, a plush version. But it was a goddamn giraffe, and it was in danger of falling to the floor and possibly out of the train to its doom. He had to take it. Maybe it's the universe's way of telling me it's time to go see her? ... ...Shit. More like, RANDOM SHIT HAPPENS sometimes, asshole. I'm sure Karma will like it. Anything he took now needed to fit inside his backpack, and the giraffe took up valuable space... but it was squishable, and he could probably even get away with tucking it into his belt if he had to.

He pulled the bag of animals close enough to cinch it up, then righted it in the corner. Food that tumbled off the train would get discovered and used, but stuffed toys like that would sooner get ruined by the elements than find their way into the hands of a child. It heartened Joel a bit just seeing that such non-necessities -- and ones clearly intended for children, at that -- had been included in this shipment.

...Not enough to abandon the train robbery. But a bit.

If this was a movie, maybe I'd rip open the giraffe and find a stash of narcotics inside... He supposed it was possible, but if someone were so inclined to discreetly move drugs across the country like that, he didn't think they'd need to go to all that trouble these days. ...Hell, what do I know? Maybe they reckon no one would bother to STEAL stuffed animals along the way, which would make 'em the safest place to hide their shit. At any rate, Karma didn't strike Joel as the type of child who would perform surgery on her toys, so the giraffe's innards didn't concern him much. The girl was also sensible enough -- or perhaps had been educated enough -- not to consume anything without running it by her dad first.

There were no other toys in that car, but Joel did help himself to some toiletries. He passed over the cleaning supplies, the fabric/clothing/what-have-you, and household things like light bulbs. With the haul he was acquiring, he didn't need to check every single crate. He was itching to get to that next car, the gray one... to search it, yes, but also to satisfy his curiosity about the man he thought he saw.

His gut... 'people sense'... whatever... was telling him it was a person -- and one that was still among the living. But he couldn't hear anything, and when he hopped over to that car and peered around the corner... Can't see shit. Whatever he'd seen was situated close enough to the edge to afford that glimpse earlier -- and he'd be facing forward, so that Joel could sneak up behind him, were it not for whatever he was leaning against. I bet at least one of those oil barrels across the way is the 5W-20 I need...

Joel crept inside the car, inching along the row of barrels...

He smelled the man before he could see him: bourbon. ...Dude is passed out DRUNK? His boots came into view first, followed by his legs... splayed out in front of him in such a way that Joel probably should have taken him for dead earlier. The guy was slumped into the side of the car, a rather large flask nestled in his crotch... his body all slack... his face all slack -- in fact, Joel still might have taken him for dead if it weren't for the clear rise and fall of his chest... and now a few twitches of his mouth. He was young. Early twenties, probably. Clean cut, youthful features... a dusting of freckles (which didn't look anywhere near as cute on him as they did on Ellie). Red hair, much lighter than Ellie's. Dressed like a soldier... but from what Joel had observed in the past, the men on these trains were more like glorified hunters than actual military. Not as well-armed, not as predictable... they just didn't feel as trained or regimented as cookie-cutter army men, anyway. They were more like army cast-offs.

Still, Joel knew better than to underestimate anyone... and the guy's sidearm did not escape his notice. I bet them long crates behind him have heavy-duty shit inside... like assault rifles. Joel and Paul were pretty well off on the weapons front. Extra ammo was always welcome, however... can't get to those crates to check with him right there, and these barrels won't have any...

He should probably just kill the kid (and forget that he looked rather like a male version of Ellie... maybe Joel was just imagining that, too. Christ!). Was there ever anyone so easy to kill as a completely shit-faced oblivious drunken bastard? But... that could very well be why Joel hesitated. The guy was clearly no threat in his current state. ...Other than being ARMED? That could be a problem. Maybe he'd been passed out for hours already and was on the verge of waking. Maybe a barrel being rolled off the train would startle him awake. Maybe... it's better to be safe than sorry. And any other applicable clichés.

Ellie didn't even kill that one soldier who tried to 'bring her in for questioning'... and she could have. She'd had the opportunity. But she'd thought about how it would affect Parker, and reckoned she and Joel could live with the consequences of not killing him. ...Actually, she hadn't done much reckoning of that sort at all, as Joel recalled -- she just plain didn't want to kill someone that Parker loved.

Joel had no such excuse here. Just... there's no harm in TRYING not to kill him. But if he wakes up, that's it.

Unfortunately, it was either a big-ass barrel of oil or nothing... and that goddamn thing was heavy. Joel managed to heft one onto the floor without smashing his foot in the process. His drunken companion stirred -- enough to freeze Joel in place with his hand over his holster -- but didn't wake. Joel hated to turn his back on the guy, but the barrel was going to have to roll out the opposite side if he wanted to spare those sprawled-out legs and thus avoid a confrontation. If they miss this barrel... maybe they won't chalk it up to thievery so much as negligence. "...Oh shit... I have no idea how it could've tipped over and rolled out... I was here the whole time..." That's what he gets for drinking on the job...

Joel lined up the barrel flush with the edge, poked his head out to make sure the train wasn't about to enter a tunnel or bridge or whatever, then gave it a decent shove. The barrel was sturdy enough not to bust open, so low to the ground. With no reason to stay on the train any longer, he collected himself for a moment, and then--

Shit!

He jumped -- but he shouldn't have, because in the moment he committed to the jump, he could hear (or maybe feel?) the guard waking up. Should've just killed the son of a bitch to begin with--

A gunshot rang out. Even though Joel's landing was pretty clean, he tucked himself into a roll to keep low... as he was untucking himself from the roll, a second shot sent him scrambling for cover so he could gather his wits about him. That one was way too close! Hunkering down behind the nearest tree, he caught his breath and readied his shotgun. The train was still chugging by, which severely hindered his listening ability... did the bastard actually get off the train? A quick peek confirmed that indeed he had -- and the train was slowing down -- probably coming to a stop. Either the engineer had heard the shots, or the freckled sentry had signaled him somehow.

"Come on out, motherfucker!"

Joel took another peek, and this time, he didn't even see the guy; he must have taken cover as well. Joel hadn't even so much as threatened him... but I reckon he took note of my gear... I better rotate a little... If the soldier meant to sneak around and get the angle on him, Joel didn't intend to present an easy target for him. However, he also didn't intend to waste time playing peek-a-boo with him when he reckoned there were at least two more men on the way. He already knows where I'm at... and he don't have one of them assault rifles... "Let me guess," Joel called back. "You won't hurt me -- is that right?"

"Not if you surrender peacefully!"

...Yeahhhhhh. (It could possibly be true -- and was probably the official protocol -- but in Joel's experience, they found it a whole hell of a lot easier to just kill you. It wasn't like they'd be held accountable for it.) Joel still couldn't see the guy, but now he'd pinpointed his location: that tree on the left. He aimed... moved tantalizingly out of cover...

As soon as Joel caught sight of movement -- something emerging from behind that tree -- he fired. --Got him! Right in the face.

But then... what the hell? ...sounds like Infected... After spending weeks in this area, Joel figured he should have flushed out any and all of those already. Was it the gunshots? Maybe the train noise was just like the wind to them... The train was loud, but gunshots were piercing. Joel's ear hurt just thinking about that. At any rate, they weren't extremely close; Joel had time to take cover again... time to think -- and this sort of tactical thinking didn't hurt his brain, like the other kind sometimes did. He moved to a cluster of boulder-type rocks, about fifty feet farther back, away from the tracks and the dead man.

Pretty sure Paul's gonna come over and check things out... especially when he realizes the train stopped. He won't bring Karma with him -- and, unlike Ellie with me, she'll actually obey him and stay put when it's important. ...Not that I think Ellie should OBEY me, exactly, as she's a lot older and everything... just... -Right, FOCUS. I can do this without Paul. What've we got: two guys coming back here, probably more prepared for a fight than this poor drunken kid, and at least two Runners headed this way from the north.

They just needed to fight each other.

He could see one of the Runners now... They've already 'lost the scent.' I'll help them find it... with... ? He really wished he had that satchel of food handy. The canned goods would work well. As would the soldier's thermos-sized flask... but no way had he taken that with him. If he had, he wouldn't have gotten those two shots off so quickly. No matter, he's too far away--

Joel decided he may as well dig out a smoke bomb. They were mostly helpful in situations where he needed to sneak by people rather than take them out, or in large groups where he could use the temporary blinding to his advantage. In this case, it would serve to simply make enough noise to draw both groups closer together. He should be able to chuck it out there far enough that it wouldn't even blind them to each other's presence -- they would spot each other while moving toward the source of the noise.

He waited. That one Runner was definitely close enough to react to the sound, and if it screeched, its buddies would come investigate.

What will the soldiers do? Catch sight of Infected and run the other way? "Well, we know what happened here -- let's beat it!"

Although a lot of soldiers seemed to get off on killing, so maybe they'd charge right in. And to be fair, it was possible they weren't even supposed to be real soldiers. Hired hands off the street... or out of a QZ?... whose sole purpose was to transport goods from Point A to Point B. In the old days, such folks would never be given the honor of dressing in army fatigues and whatnot... but of course, rules were different now.

I don't care WHAT they are: if they see me and realize what went down here, they're dead. Even if they DON'T see me... I don't know if Freckles gave them some kind of signal. He couldn't've told them much, seeing as how he hopped off of there so quick, but all it takes is some kind of little transmitter to relay a simple code. I better just toss this thing now before they get TOO close--

Joel couldn't hear any soldiers approaching yet -- and the large rock formations on this side obscured his view down the line -- but ideally, even if his throw wasn't perfect, the smoke would dissipate before they arrived on the scene and found the Runners near their comrade's body. The train was completely out of sight from his spot, but he knew roughly where it had come to a stop, and the last car wasn't that far down the line. He readied the bomb, aimed at a spot on the opposite side of the tracks to give himself a little breathing room, and lobbed it out there.

He held his breath and listened, staying completely out of sight. At first, he only heard the screeching of the Runners. Then...

"Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck was that!"

"Infected... with bombs?"

"All that smoke--"

...And the chatter died down as the men drew closer. The Runners were still in high alert mode for the moment... moving right along, past Joel...

"Ahhh!"

A barrage of gunfire. More screeching.

"Damn, bro."

"Shut up -- there might be more!"

"Nah... we'd've seen 'em by now."

"I dunno... there's lots of trees'n'shit, dude... and where's Matthews?"

"...MATTHEEEEEEWS!"

"Dude!"

"What? I just told you--"

Joel scooted over enough to peek around the side of the boulder -- the side farther away from them -- and realized he shouldn't have moved just yet. Goddamnit! Barreling through the trees behind him was a straggler--

The soldiers would probably hear the high-pitched whining noise coming from this... this girl. She definitely had her sights set on Joel. And she was definitely in the beginning stages of infection. One of the earliest stages he'd seen. He was struck by her curly hair and ghostly-pale skin...

It ain't THAT girl -- she's too old -- more like Ellie's age -- and her hair's browner --

He heard the soldiers coming -- watched the girl flying toward him --

--And snapped out of his momentary paralysis. In fact, he snapped out of it so hard that he emptied the rest of the shotgun's bullets into the girl. Which was pretty damn stupid, since he'd obviously just given away his location and these two assholes were about to flank him with an unloaded--

"Matthews!"

...Of course -- they'll think I'm their buddy! ...Except they were about to discover Freckles' body, out in the open as it was, and they would conclude that he was not the source of those shots Joel had just fired.

"Oh fuck -- oh my God... Matthews..."

One glance at the body would tell them the guy was dead. Joel couldn't hear what they said to each other next, but he knew they were conspiring to surround him. No pretense about offering surrender this time.

Joel had taken those few moments to switch guns. The Shorty was cocked and ready to take out the one coming around the right side, if Joel could just get him before the left dude made it around to--

-Another gunshot!

From the train--

Joel's target was clearly alarmed by this, giving Joel all the advantage he needed -- he moved and fired in one swift motion. The man staggered backward and fell, his assault rifle thumping harmlessly on the ground. Before Joel could duck back behind cover, another shot rang out -- a rifle, from the train... no, in front of the train -- er, behind it, technically -- it was Paul. The other soldier was now dead.

The guy who'd taken the Shorty bullet was still twitching and sputtering; Joel put an end to that by crushing his windpipe with the heel of his boot.

-Where's Ellie? Is she--

...Shit. Even after all this time?

While Ellie was never very far from his thoughts, it was usually only first thing in the morning that he actually forgot she wasn't with him. And not every morning, at that. Why his goddamn brain could register that fact during a hostile encounter, yet not immediately afterward, Joel couldn't say. This wasn't the first time it had happened; if it had been the first time, he might've been able to blame it on the memory he'd started to have regarding Ellie's invariable reaction to that particular brand of finishing a guy off. (Half disgust, half admiration.) (...Although he hadn't even crushed the man's face this time, just his neck.)

FOCUS, ASSHOLE--

Joel glanced around, but his gut was already telling him that the danger had passed. -The immediate danger, that is. There could be aftermath from this...

Paul was jogging towards him now, so Joel helped him out by meeting him halfway. They did the fist bump thing they'd gotten accustomed to doing on Train Day reunions.

"You okay, man?" Paul's relieved smile faded as he looked at Joel up close. "Other than your ear... shit..."

"My ear?" Joel instinctively raised his hand to where Paul was looking: his right ear. What he felt was warm and wet-- blood? How the hell...

"You didn't know?" Paul marveled. "How does it not hurt?"

"It does, some," Joel realized... and the blood spatters on his shirt weren't from his victim. That second bullet that whizzed by real close? "I guess I just... the adrenaline an' whatnot..."

"It's still bleeding. Hang on a sec, lemme get you a rag--"

"We need to get outta here," Joel protested. "They might've called someone from the train."

But Paul was already rooting around in his bag for a clean rag. "You think they did?"

"No idea. Where's the jeep at?" If a helicopter spots that--

"In a carport, don't worry. Here... I think we should clean it and dress it before heading--"

"We don't have time for that," Joel grumbled, but he did press the rag to his head.

"It won't take me that long. You want it to get infected?"

Joel sighed. "Fine -- but a half-ass job will do. I can full-ass it later... when we're somewhere safe. How far away is Karma? You got here awful quick."

"She was counting the cars -- we were close. Prob'ly... a quarter mile or so?" Paul estimated.

"I reckon she's pretty freaked out, yeah? Let's get back there and I'll apply pressure to this thing on the way."

Paul was amenable to this. He had taken the jeep and left his daughter in a safe area, so they could actually do the collecting and loading now, but Joel couldn’t help feeling more comfortable about things when they were all together, and he got the sense Paul felt the same way. Also, with the train stopped, they could possibly loot even more.

"Do you know how it happened?” Paul asked him. “Or, more importantly, where? If you maybe want to, uh... find the missing piece..."

Joel quirked an eyebrow at him. "Missin' piece? Shit -- how bad is it?"

"It's like... this much..." Paul traced the upper half of his own ear as measurement.

"Never mind -- it was a bullet that grazed me. Prob'ly blew that bit to shreds anyhow. Let's just--"

"Holy shit, man -- if that had been even an inch to the right... your left, I mean..."

"Yeah." Maybe more like a couple of inches to do serious damage. Don't tell Ellie... ...sure, 'cause maybe it will grow back by the time I see her again?

Aside from Ellie, of course, Paul was Joel's preferred co-pilot on the Outside. On the way back, Joel didn't even have to ask him to hold the questions or tale-trading talk for later. Paul was of the same mindset as Joel on this -- as every survivor should be, really, but some people got lax about things due to shit not happening most of the time. There was some luck involved with survival, yes, but a lot of it was just plain common sense. And although Paul might not have been quite so inclined as Joel to kill rather than spare people when possible, Joel knew he'd be on the same page this time once Joel laid it out for him. Hell -- Paul might have just killed that first man quietly, the way Joel should have. That would have prevented their current predicament entirely. If he'd been with Tommy, on the other hand... Joel shuddered to think of the lectures on the slate for tonight. And Ellie thinks MINE are bad? ...Truth be told, there would be more arguing than lecturing going on, actually.

Maybe he wasn't being fair to Tommy here; Tommy did admit that he probably would've done the same thing as Joel in Salt Lake City, after all. But... still. Joel had known what he had to do from the second that bitch Marlene had confessed Ellie's fate to him. Tommy would have been conflicted... and by the time he came around, would it have been too late? Plus, the odds of one man versus a shitload...

-It don't matter now. Ellie is NOT better off with you, asshole. You've proven that time and again. I'm sure Tommy's looking after her just fine. Assuming he made it back to Jackson... and Joel had to assume that, for his own peace of mind. Worrying about all the possible outcomes wouldn't do anyone any good. (Easier said than done, sometimes, but when the target of his worrying was anyone but Ellie, Joel usually didn't have too hard of a time shelving it.) Maria was pretty much tethered to the house with the newborn, so at least Joel knew she would be there for Ellie.

There was no sign of Karma when they pulled up to the house where Paul had left her; he hadn't told her to hide, per se, but he had said to stay away from the windows, and Joel was glad to see that she had listened. At least I hope that's-- STOP IT. Of course that's why. He stopped Paul before they headed inside. "Maybe I should stay out here..."

"What, 'cause of the blood?" Paul tsked. "She's not all that squeamish. Come on in."

Joel hung back while Paul called out to her, though. The little girl came flying down the stairs before Paul had even made it halfway up. "Daddyyyyyyy! I thought I heard you but I couldn't look out the window to check!"

...He just didn't hang back enough not to see Paul swoop her up in his arms. And I can't even look away. Even though I miss my baby girl so damn much it hurts... Despite the reassurances Paul must have given her prior to leaving, Karma had clearly been scared for him. The relief -- the love -- was plastered all over her face. And to think Paul would even CONSIDER giving her up, wanting to send her off to Jackson when we met... would she ever love anyone else the way she loved her father? How could she? It would never be the same. To dismiss that bond... to claim that he was replaceable... Shit. I would give anything for Ellie to come barreling down that staircase right now...

No -- I don't mean that. That's SELFISH. And I am NOT her father -- it's different.

Joel was glad she was safe. And hopefully happy, by now... now that he'd been gone a while... settling into being Grayson's big sister... and the kid's most likely recovered from that virus or whatever it was now -- Maria DID take him to the clinic and he wasn't that bad off, so...

Paul set Karma down (and he'd pivoted so that she wasn't facing Joel), then briefly explained to her that Joel had gotten a little hurt but he was okay, that he just had a wound that needed proper cleaning and dressing.

"Like when I get hurt enough that there's blood and you clean it for me?" she asked.

"Yes, like that, except with a little more blood," Paul replied.

"Because he's bigger," Karma reasoned.

"...Yeah. Sure. Soooo if you want to go back upstairs while I--"

"No! I'll help you!" Karma turned to look for Joel -- and he must have been a sight, because she gasped. "Uncle Joel, are you really okay???"

Joel chuckled as she ran up to him. "I'm fine. I don't think you need to help me, though, 'cause this--"

"Yes I do!" she insisted. "What if Daddy needs me to do it for him some time and I don't know how?"

No kid that young should have to think that way, but... that's Old World thinking, on my part. Reality is, she's right. Just... "That's real nice of you, but..." He looked to Paul for direction.

"You do such a good job taking care of me," Paul told her with a smile.

"Yeah. Just like Ellie takes care of Joel. Since she's not here right now, I think she'd like it if I took care of him for her! Don't you think so, Uncle Joel?"

Joel's chest did that uncomfortable tightening thing again, but he managed to speak in an almost-normal-sounding voice. "I bet she'd like that, yeah. Only I bet she'd also tell you to leave the gross stuff to your dad. You don' need to see... what's under this rag."

"Joel's right, sweetie. But you can stay here if you want, and I'll explain what I'm doing. Just don't look at the wound, okay?"

"It ain't pretty," Joel added. He didn't need to see it for himself to know that much.

"I still wanna see it," she said crossly. "What's the big deal? I've already seen the blood."

Paul thought for a moment. "You might get upset. It might give you nightmares. Remember the ones you used to have about the bunnies?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, when I was like... six. I'm older now! And I've seen a million dead bunnies since then."

It was so... Ellie. The eye-rolling... the exasperated declaration... the exaggerated rabbit count...

"Well, I don't want you having a different kind after you see--"

"But you have to look at it, don't you? To do the stuff -- the cleaning? And bandaging? I'm just as brave as you, aren't I?"

Paul chuckled. "You are. And now I s'pose you have a morbid curiosity, so if you really want to see it... and Joel doesn't mind the freak show treatment..."

"I just wanna get this show on the road so we can finish up out there," Joel said truthfully.

"Right right right -- okay, why don't we... sit over here, then..." He indicated a couch in the living room -- a couch which, like most furniture they encountered, had clearly seen better days, but they weren't going to find anything that passed for a sterile environment out here.

Karma watched the proceedings calmly, listening to her dad explain as he extracted things from the first aid kit and set up shop on the coffee table in front of Joel, laying the items out on a clean towel. The sight of all the blood on Joel's clothes... his hand... the rag... it didn't seem to faze her. This kid has an iron stomach, Joel thought appreciatively. He was pretty sure the bleeding had been stymied by now, so he slowly lowered the rag from the side of his head.

The little girl avidly watched the unveiling -- and promptly shrieked in horror.

* * * * * * * *

No one came for the train over the next day or so, leading Joel to believe that the men hadn't been able to contact their base or anyone with the capability of remedying the situation. Maybe they just can't remedy it that QUICKLY... Joel assumed that was an eventuality, once the train was reported as egregiously late. Paul agreed it would be best to lay low for a bit, even after the train shipments resumed. They took advantage of the opportunity to search each car on this one thoroughly, pilfering things here and there, as well as helping themselves to entire crates full of goods. They rearranged what they weren't taking to hide the missing loot as best they could (although surely at this point, a little thievery by anyone passing through was to be expected).

They had also rearranged the 'crime scene' to adhere more to their chosen narrative: the soldiers had either spotted Infected or been ambushed by them, and had nobly given their lives taking them out. It wasn't a perfect narrative: three dead Runners and three dead soldiers who had conveniently all killed each other, no survivors? But perhaps there had been a larger group, with the surviving Infected ambling off to... wherever. If enough time passed, they could have dispersed to parts unknown... perhaps been killed by others so that from afar (that is, from above), they simply blended in with the other corpses rotting in the countryside.

The freckled kid as a victim of Infected was an easy sell; his face was such a mess that clearly the Runner now situated beside him had been going to town on him before the other soldiers had ended it by pumping the creature full of lead. As for the other two... well, Joel had mangled the one a bit, but it was still clear he'd suffered a gunshot wound to the chest. Paul's man was obviously killed by a bullet as well. If no one actually took a close look, it was staged just fine. But the military might want to recover the bodies -- it wasn't like they were in a ravine or somewhere like that where it would be hard to fetch them... hell, they could just toss them on the train.

So, Joel and Paul agreed to add some flair to the narrative: all three men had been drinking. There was enough booze splashed onto their skin and clothing to make that obvious... at least until the next rains came. Since summer rain wasn't exactly uncommon, each man was given a bottle from one of the crates (a crate that neither Joel nor Paul had any interest in looting for themselves, as drinking Outside was just plain stupid), and each bottle had little or no alcohol remaining in it. As Paul could attest to, drunk people had no business firing guns... anything could happen. Friendly fire, even.

Yeah, still a bit of a stretch... one man could perhaps be hit that way, but two out of three?

It would have to do. It was better than hiding the bodies, possibly triggering a search of the area (which was a risk regardless, but perhaps they wouldn't be too thorough after so many days had gone by since the incident?). They had even toyed with the idea of starting the train and sending it on its way engineer-less, at a slow speed... but, assuming they could even figure out how to do that, they ended up deeming it unnecessarily reckless.

They took care to keep the jeep out of sight while they worked, only pulling it alongside the tracks to load the oil barrel. Everything else could be lugged into the shady patch of trees and loaded there. Joel kept his ears ever-perked for the whirring of a helicopter. Well, the ONE ear, anyhow...

The unsightly ear still had a bandage over it, the gauze wrapped around his head. He could still hear out of it (as he had assured poor Karma: "the outside part is just for decoration, and as an ugly old dude, I don' need to look pretty -- I ain't really hurt, see?" ...which probably wasn't much of an exaggeration), just not well enough to deliver adequate warning as far as hearing-related danger detection was concerned. Paul was on alert too, of course, and he was capable... but Joel couldn't help trusting his own instincts better than anyone else's. Besides, Paul was distracted by his daughter. Karma had begged them to let her help search the train (although her 'searching' was more like playing), and it really was more convenient to keep her with them when there was no immediate danger, so Paul told her to stay close to him, and not enter any cars until he or Joel had cleared them. Joel, however, stuck more to the back cars -- the better to keep Karma from seeing all the bodies. (They might have downplayed the attack just a bit when answering her questions about what had happened.)

Karma, bless her heart, was generally super-conscious of making sure Joel never felt like that proverbial third wheel. It was sweet, albeit unnecessary. He was the odd man out; there was no getting around that. It was fine. He wasn't... jealous, or anything like that. Did he wish Ellie was there to balance things out? Hell yes he did. But she wasn't, and that was his own doing. Sooner or later, he was going to have to figure out how to move forward... with or without her.

The sooner the better, because that gaping Ellie-shaped wound is going to open right back up if I end up leaving again, no matter how long we're apart. For him, at least... he couldn't speak for her. She might be farther down this road than he was. At any rate, Ellie deserved a resolution. Closure, if nothing else. Yes, closure was a 'luxury item' these days (hell -- even in the old days), but he could give her that... or at least approximate it...

Except that ain't what I want. I want... HER. To see her smile, and laugh -- to MAKE her smile and laugh. To make her happy. Kiss her lips, touch her skin, pet her hair... feel the weight of her in my arms... to tell her how I feel... I can't really ever find the words to describe it adequately-- but I WANT to. I want to try. To let her know how very special she is. And, by God, yes, I want to make love to her... therein lies the problem.

More and more, he felt like he couldn't make this decision on his own. That he needed to talk it through with her. But logically, that made no sense; he and Ellie had never seen eye to eye on this problem. Talking to her would only be beneficial if she decided she didn't want him back. He could see her reaching the point where she'd had it with his bullshit. There you go: decision made. He could live with that.

He was living it: life without Ellie was not exactly hell. It had its unbearable moments, sure, but it wasn't hell. Now, a world without Ellie in it? That was a whole different animal. That would be... intolerable. Unfathomable. Knowing she was safe in Jackson went a long way towards making his life... not hell.

But I DON'T know that for sure. Maybe she left again. Maybe shit happened. I WON'T KNOW... until I lay eyes on her.

That was just... life, though, wasn't it? You couldn't just check in with family and friends through Facebook. Everyone Joel knew back in Boston could be dead now. Everyone he'd ever met, regardless of where -- even Jacksonites. There were a dozen people either dead or unaccounted for between the time they'd left for Monterey and the time they'd returned. His own brother might not have made it back, for all he knew. ...To be honest, that may have been one reason Joel was reluctant to return; sometimes it was better not to know. Although it would sure be easier to leave if the whole town hated me, Ellie included...

Now would be a good time to leave, since Paul didn't really need his help -- especially with no train robberies in their immediate future. And they were extremely well-provisioned, after this extended one. They had extra gas, oil, and even tires for the jeep... enough ammo and nonperishables to live on for months... he knew Paul liked the security of having Joel around, but he didn't need him. Joel had shared what he'd learned about the dissolved Boise QZ, and after a camp fire brainstorming session, Paul had decided to make his way to the Idaho medical center instead, with the hope of joining forces with others there -- those who were not Jackson-bound, assuming such folks existed in the area. It was worth a shot. If things worked out, he would need Joel even less. Karma had gotten used to Joel being around, but Joel made sure to keep reminding her that he was 'just visiting' and would be leaving again someday (he had to catch himself from pointing out that the sooner he left, the sooner he could return for another visit with Ellie -- because he didn't need to be promising things that might never happen).

The problem was... well, Joel felt like he ought to have his shit together before he went back home. That was the whole point of the break, after all. Signs might be pointing towards him going back, but he was still waiting for that lightning bolt of clarity to strike him with all the answers first. I need a sign to tell me what the right course of--

--What the hell was that?

Joel abandoned the toolbox he'd been examining and moved to the doorway of the car, staying out of sight for the most part as he tried to determine the source of the noise... to the south, in those trees maybe? Paul was probably fifteen or twenty cars away and wouldn't have heard it. This one's on me...

A flash of movement caught Joel's eye and he whipped out a gun.

Oh my God--

~Continue to Chapter 46~

"Singularity" Chapter 44: "Look for the Light" [44/49]

2022-10-12T13:04:58Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 44: "Look for the Light" [44/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,760
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Why did I ever care about this?

That was the question that kept popping into Ellie's mind when she tried to do something fun -- or what she used to consider fun. It all seemed so pointless now.

All the fuss being made over the play was just... absurd. The hours and hours of rehearsing... painting sets... making costumes... figuring out what to do for sound effects and lighting... and for what? A couple hours on stage, for three nights. Then it was done. Over with. Finished. After like two months of preparation. Everyone working so hard to achieve the goal of... what, exactly? Proving they can memorize lines and sing songs... to provide meaningless entertainment for the town, for just three nights? Why the fuck doesn't everyone just go watch the movie? It has REAL actors, and real sets that will look a hundred times better. Oh -- and it's WAY less work.

Movies might have interested Ellie if she could watch them alone. The library was just too... obnoxious? Yeah, maybe... like, there were couples and families everywhere. So many more now than there used to be, it felt like. Did I really not notice before? It wasn't that they had new people; there hadn't been any newcomers at all in the past month or so. And she'd familiarized herself enough with the Idaho people that she could at least recognize who was who. Instead of seeing people as individuals, she found herself categorizing them as something apart from her. She just couldn't see past the label to the actual person. Because the labels were mocking her, reminding her of what she'd had and lost... or of what she'd almost had...

Her heart just wasn't in anything now. Joel wanted her to spend more time with her friends? Well... maybe she didn't feel like rolling dice and making up stupid stories about ogres and trolls and clerics. She couldn't even be bothered coming up with a cool scenario with which to kill off her character -- she told Wyatt to use her death however the fuck he wanted in order to best serve the campaign (and she could see he was pleased at the prospect, even though Clicker wanted to just send her character away, leaving the door open to the possibility of a return)(...of course, this was only after he'd whined and begged and pleaded for her to keep playing, to no avail).

As for video games... what was the point of hitting buttons or whatever to clear a level, only to have another level to do, and another, until eventually you get to the end -- hooray! Then what do you get? ...Absolutely zip! Only the realization that it was all just a big waste of time! She made some remark like that to Clicker, and he'd tried to tell her it's fun, and it's really rewarding and satisfying to complete stuff, and to see what happens with the storyline. She knew what he meant, because she used to feel that way, too. Used to: now she had to bite her tongue to keep from reminding him that it was all just pixels on a screen, and it all amounted to exactly nothing.

One that might have been an exception? Her secret Sims game, featuring 'Melanie and Joey' Sims -- Melanie with black hair and Joey with red (he still had the beard, though, because she just couldn't bear to change that part) -- where she couldn't figure out how to get Joey to accept Melanie's advances (and forget about having him make a move on her! He would just glare at the camera with a look of disgust on his stupid little pixelated face). In the end, she had to cheat and age up the Melanie Sim. Once they were both adults, Joey had noooooooo problem letting Melanie have her way with him. Unfortunately for them, it wasn't the fun escape into fantasy land Ellie had hoped it would be (torture, much?), and she killed the game without saving before they did much of anything together. It just pissed her off too much. She stopped short of actually deleting that game off of there permanently...

After all... we're on a BREAK. We MIGHT get back together...

Would she suddenly care about all this stupid shit again if they did?

On the slightly-less frivolous side, story time at the library with the little kids also felt like a waste of time... but she understood that the problem was her, not the kids. Kids loved goofy stories about dancing giraffes, or eating eggs and ham that are green -- and usually she enjoyed their silliness and their enthusiasm for such stories. Just... ugh -- not now. She completely blew off her first gig (first one After Joel, that is) because she just couldn't stomach the thought of faking it that hard. Like, she really had to get her perk on to do the voices and be all animated and shit, which the kids had come to expect from her. She wasn't up for it, so she justified skipping it by thinking of it as better to not be there at all than to do a piss-poor job, then went horseback riding instead. Which prompted a guilt-trippy visit from Deborah that evening. "You should have found a replacement, or at the very least, let me know you wouldn't be coming" and "you made several of the children cry -- Lacey was inconsolable." Ellie had spat back something cynical about teaching them life lessons about disappointment. And no, they weren't too young to learn at age two or three -- she had started learning all about that at birth. (And "inconsolable" -- really? The girl was a fucking toddler -- Ellie highly doubted she was upset for all that long.)

Ellie did actually feel bad about it the next day, though. Bad enough that she went and apologized to Deborah, and promised she would uphold her next scheduled time. Surely she could fake it for a fucking half hour out of her day, right? She could even go horseback riding afterward if she wanted to. Being around the kids would probably make her feel at least marginally better in the end, even if she didn't feel like being with them to begin with. It had happened before... although whatever had been troubling Ellie in previous instances surely hadn't been as monumental as being Joel-less.

Nothing was as fun as it used to be -- there was just no getting around that -- but riding was the thing that probably came the closest to approximating fun. And she had already learned her lesson about playing favorites with the horses. No, she wouldn't be doing that anymore. Since returning to Jackson last month, she'd made it her goal to ride a different horse every session. Since there wasn't an endless supply available, there would be repeats, of course, but she was still able to rotate enough that she didn't get overly attached to any one particular horse.

Other than that, working at the farm was the only thing Ellie really wanted to do. The sense of satisfaction she got from that was better than any fucking video game. If she thought about it too hard, she could conclude that farm chores were meaningless, too (the repetition or sameness of them, day in and day out... sustaining life, cycle of life, blah blah, yeah, sure, okay... but wasn't life itself pretty fucking meaningless?)... she just tried not to think about it too hard. The time went by faster when she was busy, and she needed the time to go by as quickly as possible. All she wanted to do was fast forward to the day that Joel decided to come back.

And he would come back. Of course he would. He fucking promised. Yes, he'd broken promises before, but he wouldn't break this one. She just... she wouldn't fucking let him break this one.

...Yeah. Like I have any say in it?!

If Joel didn't come back... like, on purpose... well, Ellie would have to believe he never really loved her, if he did that. The fact that he would choose to be away from her for so long already meant that she loved him more, obviously (but she had always known that, deep down). That was bad enough. But she had no way of knowing if he was even still alive. Surprisingly, that was actually harder to live with than the possibility of him coming back solely to dump her ass for real. She had always thought she'd rather him be dead than to be alive but not want to be with her... but now it felt like the opposite. I'm supposed to be WITH him when-- UGGHHH--

The whole thing just made her so angry sometimes! Why does Joel get to decide everything all the time? Why doesn't it matter what I want? Doesn't he know he's torturing me, every day he stays away?! Doesn't he CARE?

The nights were killing her. She didn't sleep at all that first night. But she did get an idea... and it turned out to be a good one. She didn't want to hang out in the pit or talk to anyone there about music, but she did peruse the cassettes in the library in search of one she could play on her walkman every night when she went to sleep. Something sad. She spent a great deal of time making the perfect selection -- and then she didn't bother checking out the cassette at the counter. She didn't work on her special project there anymore (it was the ultimate waste of time), but after all the hours she'd put in at the library in the past, she figured they owed her one. (Besides, most people didn't care much about the cassettes because it was hard to find ones that still worked and machines that could play them.) (And besides that -- all she took was a dinky single.)

Ellie played the fuck out of that cassette. The lyrics weren't a perfect fit, which was pretty standard for old world creations, but it was about a guy leaving a girl, and the guy just goes on with his life all la-di-da while the poor miserable girl pines away for him pathetically. She cried herself to sleep on more than one occasion, which was actually preferable to staring at the ceiling all night. And even though it sucked, obviously, there was something oddly satisfying about it, too... almost like when she indulged the sadness, she was honoring her love for Joel? Something along those lines. Sometimes, she could swear she felt him stroking her hair... soothing her with promises of his return. Obviously, it was just a trick her mind was playing on her... but it was an effective one when she was yearning for sleep, and Ellie leaned into it whenever she could.

Maria was still getting up with Grayson in the middle of the night... usually only once now. Ellie had offered to take that feeding, that first night when she couldn't sleep at all (obviously, that night was out of the question, because it would require a little preparation, but maybe in the future?), and Maria had refused -- allegedly not even because she despised the breast pump thingie. She said if Ellie was awake at that time, she was welcome to pop over to the room for a visit, but Maria expected Ellie to fall into a sleep routine soon enough, and since she worked lots of mornings at the farm, she needed her rest at night. Ellie found it kind of painful to be around the little dude at first... due to him being a baby and all... but she got over it surprisingly quickly. She was able to look beyond his label... maybe because she already loved him so much? Grayson seemed to love her, too. He smiled at her a lot. It was impossible not to smile back at him. He was so cute!

And he did get over his little virus or whatever with the help of that medicine; it turned out to be nothing serious. But Joel doesn't know that... if he cares about his nephew, shouldn't he at least be checking back in to make sure he's okay?

Yet he didn't.

There was also the chance that Ellie really was pregnant this time. According to her calendar, she was now officially late. Which, again, wasn't unusual for her, just... we had soooooo much sex! And I feel nauseous sometimes... I think? No puking, but her stomach wasn't exactly happy these days. Surely Joel realized there was a chance... right? Would that bring him back? Or would the thought of her possibly lying to him about it again fill him with fresh anger?

Ellie already knew she would never, ever lie about that again. That, or anything else! (...welllllllll... except when she was brutally honest with herself, she had to admit that lies could be highly effective tools and were not necessarily all bad. Just -- she would definitely never again lie to him about being pregnant.) Joel, however, had no way of knowing this, so it might work against her. He might decide he needed to stay away so long that Ellie couldn't possibly lie about it -- like nine fucking months.

She would die if he stayed away that long! Literally die.

Or, maybe the subject was permanently closed in Joel's brain now, and it wouldn't even occur to him that she might have gotten pregnant during those last few days together. If she'd had more time to think, she might have mentioned it to Joel before he left... or she might have decided to leave well enough alone. Joel wasn't stupid; the possibility would have occurred to him. If she remembered correctly, she'd even alluded to it during her confession. Maybe it didn't register, though? With everything else I was saying...

Still. He had to realize there was a chance. What he decided to do about that was up to him. Given her tendency to try to manipulate situations to her advantage, Ellie couldn't truly fault Joel for leaving; in his eyes, it was perhaps the only way things would remain his choice.

Which... was also weird to think about, because to Ellie, it felt like Joel was always calling all the shots! She had to remind herself that she did hold some influence over him, even if it didn't always feel like it. Enough influence that he felt like he had to get away from her to get a better perspective on things.

She wondered if Joel was right about pregnancy tests not being accurate so early. There was even less time that had passed now than there had been for the fake baby, so... Ellie figured she'd better wait. Maybe if she missed another period, it would be enough time?

That first day off work... that was the worst. Ellie didn't know what to do with herself. She didn't even make it through half the day before she just went down to the farm and took over for someone (most people were happy to have time off). It wasn't so much that she didn't know what to do without Joel there -- it was more that she didn't want to do any of the things she used to like. And horseback riding... Joel had said it was bad for pregnant women. Maybe I ought to stop that, too, just in case? Like... it's probably too early for it to matter, but... if this turned out to be her one and only chance to have Joel's baby...

Even if Joel never came back, she wanted it! A piece of him with her always? YES-- sign me up for that! As painful as the subject had become, she couldn't deny that she wanted it. Just as fucking badly as she had wanted the fake baby.

The second day off without Joel (which happened to be the very next day) was even worse -- it was Sunday. One week after the start of the 'whirlwind,' which was what he had dubbed those days. Sunday... the day they should have taken the jeep out for a joyride... and spent the whole day together, just the two of them. Like old times. Then, as if knowing that wasn't bad enough, things got even worse: she actually got her fucking period.

How could this happen?! After all that sex we had, I didn't get pregnant?

She had felt various degrees of crummy all week... apparently due to sleeping and eating less, not as a result of her abandoned scheme to get pregnant. (Having a broken heart was pretty painful all on its own, as it turned out.) Shifting gears quickly from mourning a non-existent baby, she couldn't help thinking about ~what might have been~... if only she had kept her big fat stupid mouth shut. The blood she was seeing in the toilet right now could have represented their lost baby... they would mourn it, and bond over the shared pain, and still get married anyway -- because Joel had said so. He had said "no matter what happens." (Of course, that promise obviously hadn't encompassed finding out about her scheme, but she could hardly hold that against him.) ...I would have had to avoid him for a while so he didn't take me straight to the clinic, but then I would go tearfully tell him what happened... I'd keep my bloody underwear as proof... maybe I was too scared to tell him right away, or too upset... and he would hold me and we'd cry together and stuff... and after however long you're supposed to wait, we could try to get pregnant 'again.'

But nope! She had fucked all that up by wussing out. By feeling too guilty. So she had done the proverbial right thing, and lost Joel because of it. What good was doing the right thing if it led to the wrong outcome? Fuck that. Joel didn't even want that baby. He only talked himself into wanting it cuz he thought he had no choice. He would've got over it really quick and we would never talk about it again and it would just go away. If I could've just... UGGHHH, why did I have to feel so guilty? Joel never feels bad about HIS lies. Why can't I be like that?

If I was like him, WE WOULD STILL BE TOGETHER RIGHT NOW.

Even though her period wasn't causing her much physical discomfort this time, Ellie decided to keep the day off instead of going down to the farm. But she didn't especially want to be around Maria and Grayson today, either... she sure as fuck didn't want to go to the library, with the socializing areas always busier on the weekends... she kind of wanted to take a walk around the lake, but ultimately decided to go to her (their?) house -- for the first time since that fateful day.

She took off her shoes and got all the way into their bed, under the covers and everything, and had herself a good, long, self-pitying-as-fuck cry. Thanks to getting her period, her only guarantee of keeping Joel had gone down the drain along with the would-be fake baby. Gone were her fantasies of announcing the news to Joel when he returned. Of course, the good fantasy -- one that included a happy reaction -- was already ruined. Joel would not have been pleased to hear it, to say the least, and he probably wouldn't have believed her until she had the not-a-doctor Aiyana confirm it for him.

But he would have stayed with her -- and that was the important thing. He might hate her for getting pregnant on purpose like that, but he would never hate his own child. She was the asshole -- the child was an innocent. And if people who didn't even love each other could make things work when they had a kid...

I would've made him fall in love with me again -- I KNOW I would have! All she had to do was never ever lie to him again (at least not about anything important), and be super sweet and nice to him all the time. She would never use sex to manipulate him -- and there would be no fucking, only ~making love~. She would do whatever he wanted, all the time. (He always acted like that wasn't what he wanted her to do, but OF COURSE IT FUCKING WAS. How could it not be?)

Now, of course, she had to quit torturing herself with those thoughts, because that scenario was never going to happen. Unless she managed to talk him into goodbye sex... maybe he'd let me handcuff him, so I could make sure he came inside me! Then he would HAVE to come back and check on me at least once to see if I was pregnant...

So much for not using sex to manipulate?

Ugh -- just... she could see it both ways. Manipulation did serve her well sometimes.

What was it Joel had accused her of doing... using sex as a means to an end? Well, if it fucking worked... -But that wasn't the reason she had suggested it. It hadn't even occurred to her until later. Mainly, she just really really did not want that rapey time to be the last time they ever made love. She almost felt like she could stand him leaving her forever, if they had just one last good time...

...Oh, who am I kidding? It would still be totally fucking devastating if he left her permanently, not just on this break -- which was hard enough to bear, even knowing it was temporary. But it would just be nice to... go out with a bang? Ha. No, more like... to part with tenderness and love... or for it to affect Joel so profoundly that he decides he DOES want to be with me after all...

Which he might decide anyway. Ellie did feel hopeful about that possibility. She just had to weigh that against the bad, and try not to let that hope swell up too much. Any time she thought about the way he'd looked at her when he left that day, she felt a spark of hope... then she would force herself to remember the way he'd looked at her when she confessed what she had done. Both of those had occurred in the same day. The loving one happened last, but it could have been fueled by the emotions that got stirred up over leaving her or something. He had said he would always love her, could never hate her... yes, but he'd also said plenty of other bullshit about them not being good for each other. And he honestly seemed to feel like his sincere, heartfelt gesture of asking her to marry him was a sign that he'd lost his mind.

He didn't want her to think about all this? Well, tough shit. She didn't usually lay around in bed crying like this or anything, but he had lost his mind if he thought she could just bop around town without a care in the world, happy as a clam (...why were clams so happy, anyway? As far as Ellie could tell, their lives sucked ass).

"Ellie?"

Her heart leaped into her throat--

...but only for a second. Her name was accompanied by a knock. Joel wouldn't knock like that. And even if he had decided to knock today for some reason (maybe she'd actually locked the door this time?), the voice was a little off. Slightly higher-pitched.

"Ellie, are you in there?"

Yep, it was Tommy. ...Tommy's back!

Ellie had mixed feelings about that. She was thrilled for Maria and Grayson... not-so-thrilled for herself. This whole thing is his fault!

She heard the front door opening. If she could ever just remember to lock the damn thing...

"Ellie?"

"In here," she called to him, although she quickly rolled over to face away from the doorway. In case he didn't know she was still pissed.

She could feel him hesitating in the doorway. He came in after a few seconds. "Maria told me you were over here... I'm gonna let a little sun in, if you don' mind. It's a beautiful day out."

It wasn't that dark in the room with the curtains drawn, but the gloomy atmosphere suited her current mood more than the sunshine did. She buried her face in the pillow in protest. Why did I have to tell Maria where I went? ...Because she'd gotten into that habit. Because Maria truly seemed to care about where she went and what she did... but also because Ellie felt responsible for Tommy being gone, and if Maria needed anything... if something happened to Grayson... okay, well, I guess Tommy can take over now in the feeling protective department. From now on, I'll just do whatever I want and not tell a soul.

She felt the weight of him sitting on the bed down by her feet. "Guess you still hate me, huh?" he asked.

Brilliant observation. She didn't reply.

"Maria also told me... you've been a little distant."

Oh my God... the brilliance is BLINDING... what exactly did they expect from her?!

"A little sad," he added, scooting up a little and laying his hand on the lump that was her back.

She didn't flinch or tell him to fuck off or anything; she just didn't move.

"Glad you made it home safe," he continued.

...Oh yeah! -Maybe he saw-- "Did Joel find you?" she asked, finally turning her head to look at him. She even deigned to make eye contact.

"No."

...That was apparently all he was going to say. Which was fine, since that answer indicated there was nothing useful she could glean from furthering this conversation. She smothered her face in the pillow again.

"Sweetheart, listen... I know you're upset. I know you don't wanna hear things like... this is for the best, or... someday you'll understand..."

"You're right -- I don't," she mumbled. "So don't say it."

His hand patted her a couple times before withdrawing. "I am sorry you're so hurt by it all. He should've thought of that before--"

"He should've thought?" Ellie turned to glare at him, then decided to go ahead and sit all the way up because it felt kind of silly to exude anger from such a submissive position. She scooted back against the headboard to get a little farther away from Tommy, crossing her arms over her chest. "We were just fine until you barged in here and ruined everything. Why couldn't you just leave us alone? It's not like we were going around... flaunting our relationship or anything. And we weren't hurting anyone!"

Tommy gave her a disgustingly pitying look. "I know it feels that way. But it was hurtin' you, in the long run."

"No it wasn't! Joel would never--" ...Well, I can't actually say he would never hurt me, now, can I. Pfff. And that wasn't entirely Tommy's fault. But he started it! "He wouldn't have hurt me at all, if... ...He only left because you didn't give him a choice."

"It was a mutual agreement. And I wasn't even here, the second time he left."

That second thing was true, of course, but Ellie didn't really give a fuck; it was still basically Tommy's fault for giving Joel the idea in the first place. "Did Maria tell you he's coming back?"

"Yes. It's good that he left for a while, though. Gives the two of you some time to... process things. On your own."

She snorted. "I don't need to process anything. I love him. I will always love him. And if he comes back here and says he never wants to see me again, then..." Her voice wavered; she couldn't even stand to think about that possibility. "Then you won't see me again either." ...Um, what? What am I saying?

"I don't think he'll say that," Tommy replied gently. "But what do you mean, I won't see you again?"

"Nothing. Actually, since you're back now... I'll get out of your hair and move back in here. I was only staying cuz Maria--"

"I don't want you to do that." He smiled a little. "We like havin' you in our hair."

What a dumb expression that is anyway... I literally have not touched anyone's hair in that house except Grayson's! "Uh, you won't anymore. You liked the old me. The happy one. Happy cuz I was with Joel," she added pointedly.

"We'll take you any which way."

She eyed him suspiciously. "Why?"

"...Why? Because we love you. We want you around."

She squirmed and looked away after hearing that 'love.' Is he really that dumb? How can he LOVE me? "But I already told you... I hate you for what you did. I still do, you know. That hasn't changed."

"You're angry. I get it. But we're still family."

What the fuck is he smoking?! "Joel is my family. If he doesn't want me anymore, then... I don't have a family," she said quietly.

"We'll always be your family, honey. Even if you hate us. Whether Joel's here or not."

Fuck... she felt her throat constricting. She stared at her lap. "No... without Joel, I'm nothing. To anyone."

"That ain't true. Not at all. There's a lot of people here who care about you. And... if you really don't wanna live with us, I know Esther would love to have you. But I do hope you'll stay with us."

He must be a masochist. "Why do you wanna live with someone who hates you?"

"Well... maybe I'd like the chance to make you not hate me, yeah?"

Ellie wished he would quit being so fucking nice. It was getting her feelings all mixed up. At least with Christine, the feeling is completely mutual -- not confusing at all!

"What did you mean before? When you said I wouldn't see you again?" he persisted. "Were you just talkin' about movin' out?"

She didn't know what had prompted her to say it... but now that she thought about it, she really would have to leave Jackson if Joel didn't want to be with her. She'd be too hurt -- and too humiliated -- to stick around. Even if Joel didn't stay, how could she keep living here, where she used to live with him? She figured he'd probably want her to stay here, where she'd be safe... but if he left her for real, then fuck what he wanted. Would he chase after me? Or just let me go?

"Ellie?" Tommy prompted her; she must have been quiet too long.

I need a back-up plan... "I don't know what I meant by that, really... except... well, maybe..." She glanced at him. "Maybe I should go try to find the Fireflies... if there are any left. So they can finish what they started last year."

The look of alarm on his face was wholly satisfying. "What? Why the hell would you do that?"

She shrugged. "I dunno... why not? At least that way my life would mean something..."

"Your life does mean somethin'! See, this is exactly why you an' Joel need time apart. You got all caught up in--"

"Don't blame this on Joel, too!" she spat out. "We didn't do anything wrong. We fell in love. And he didn't want to. He fought me on it for a really long time."

"Oh, I'm sure."

She didn't like the way he said that, all sarcastic-like. "He did. He's not the monster you seem to think he is. He didn't... play me, or manipulate me, or whatever -- he loved me." And I hope he still does...

"I don't think of him that way. I wouldn't even exactly call him a predator. I think--"

"Of course he's not!" Ellie cried. "He's not some kind of child molester pervert!"

"I think it happened by accident," he continued, ignoring her outburst. "I think he got real attached to you, an' things started to get muddled up in his head. But instead of--"

"I'm not gonna just sit here and let you bash Joel," she declared. "I don't care what you think, because you're fucking wrong about him!"

He held up his hands placatingly. "All right... I wasn't tryin' to bash him."

"But you were. Maybe you can't help yourself. -You know how me and Maria get along these days? We don't talk about Joel. If you want me to not hate you, that's a good first step."

Tommy nodded. "She said she's tried to talk to you about the whole thing, and you always shut it down."

At least Maria would drop it after one attempt; if nothing else, she didn't seem to have the energy to fight with Ellie. Or maybe she's just more respectful of my wishes? "Yeah -- because she's wrong, too. She's on your side."

"There's no sides. ...If there were, we'd both be on your side."

"Pfff. No one's on Joel's side. His own brother even turned against him."

Tommy chuckled at that. "Me'n'Joel have been on opposite sides of things... for a long while now. But for the record, I did not turn against him. If I can help him in any--"

"That's such bullshit! He doesn't need your help. There's nothing wrong with him. He just needs you to... not lay a fucking guilt trip on him and make him think if he stays with me, he's not 'doing right by me' -- whatever the fuck that means -- like, seriously, whatever he's doing now is not right by me. No fucking way."

Tommy just sat there for a minute. Thinking, she presumed. "Like you said... let's not talk about Joel," he said. "At least not right now. I'm concerned about your... how you said you'd go to the Fireflies."

"Only if Joel doesn't want me," she clarified. That was the most important part! "It is my choice. I can do whatever I want. You even said so last year, remember? Joel never adopted me, so I'm free to come and go as I please."

Tommy gave her a look. "That ain't exactly true. You're still a minor."

"Not really, though -- I don't have any parents. No real family. Even Joel isn't family, technically." She would always consider him family in her heart, no matter if he disowned her or whatever, but by Jackson law, they were not related -- and if the technicality suited her, she would recognize it.

"Well, maybe Maria'n'me should adopt you."

...the fuck?! "You would do that just to make it like... illegal for me to leave here if you don't want me to?"

"Not just. It's somethin' we could talk about, though..."

So if me and Joel got back together... I'd be fucking my uncle? She almost snickered out loud at the thought. "It doesn't matter -- if I really wanna get out of here, I can."

"Yeah... we noticed that. How the hell did you do it?"

Shit! Why did I have to bring that up? She would just give him a nonsensical answer, like she gave anyone else who asked. "I tapped my shoes together three times and said 'there's no place like home.' " (She liked that one.)

"That don't even make sense. If it makes it so you can leave home..."

Oh, oops, I said it wrong... She shrugged. "I don't question the magic. Besides, I have other homes, don't I?" Not that she was welcome in any of them nowadays...

"If there's somethin' we've overlooked in the security of this place, don't you think that's somethin' I oughta know about? It shouldn't be that easy for anyone to get out. Means it might be just as easy for someone to get in. Someone bad."

Ellie just rolled her eyes; she didn't feel like she was putting the town in jeopardy by not revealing her method. She had heard of kids sneaking out before. By the time she and Joel had arrived last year, it was part of the patrol's job to check the perimeter for weaknesses. Everyone was scared shitless of the electric fence, so the only successful escape she was aware of in their time had occurred during a power outage (debunking the myth that the fences ran on an emergency generator when the power was out) -- and that one wasn't even really a success because a guard had spotted the kids from the tower and alerted the patrol to go pick them up immediately. The tree they'd climbed to get over the wall had been chopped down, as Ellie recalled. Poor innocent tree...

"Fine, don't tell me. But... please. Ellie. Do not set out lookin' for the Fireflies again. You're so young. You have so much life ahead of you yet."

A life that's meaningless without JOEL... but she didn't need to say it out loud. She was pretty sure Tommy got the picture. Maybe she should stay at their house... if he saw how miserable she was day in and day out, would he finally start to realize how real her love for Joel was? I can see it now... "Ellie, I'm so sorry. We were wrong. You and Joel obviously belong together. Let's go find him and tell him so."

...Yeah, that wasn't the most realistic fantasy, she supposed... but could she change his mind about her and Joel? Maybe that was the key! If she could change Tommy's mind -- Maria's, too -- then when Joel came back, if he was still wavering on the decision, they could give him the nudge he needed to take her back!

So... how should I play this? Cold and hostile? Or... more dignified-like? Yeah... like, maybe they think this "I hate you" stuff is immature. It would be more MATURE of me to be quiet and withdrawn, going about my business with like... resolve, or whatever, but no JOY...

"You promised Joel you wouldn't do that," Tommy was saying. "At least not without talkin' to him first. And you know he only added that part 'cause he reckoned he would talk you out of it."

She snorted. "Yeah, I know." Talk her out of it or lock her up. One of the two. He had tried to make it feel like she had a choice... but I didn't, really... so, now that he's gone, what's to stop me? What had been a throwaway comment to Tommy suddenly felt like a real possibility. A light at the end of the torture tunnel. Dead people don't feel pain...

"We were right in that room out there -- I remember it like it was yesterday," Tommy recalled, bringing her right back to the memory as well. "I knew Joel loved you, before that... but that really sealed it, for me. The look on his face when you agreed not to leave. The way he... talked about adoptin' you, an' everythin' like that..."

Ellie made sure to look him in the eye now. "He meant that, you know. We weren't like... together. Not way back then." She hated that Tommy thought less of Joel for having romantic feelings for her in the first place, but she didn't want him to think that she and Joel had just been playing him all along or something.

"Guess it's a good thing you said no. That would've been a real mess." He chuckled to himself. "No wonder he never wanted to talk about it again. Told me to forget the whole thing, whenever I brought it up. I thought you just needed more time... and figured maybe he was a little gun-shy, after you turned it down."

Ellie didn't remember it ever coming up again -- not with Tommy, anyway. It was kind of a little joke between her and Joel... except he didn't really think it was funny, so she tried not to go there. I wonder how many people have turned down both adoption proposals AND marriage proposals by the same person? ...and if I had said YES to either one, Joel would still be here right now... "I didn't know you guys ever talked about it after that day. Joel never mentioned that. But I don't need parents anyways. I'm sixteen, not six. Don't say it -- you're never too old to need parents."

"It's true. Sixteen is still very young."

"Then I don't want parents. Especially ones who run my boyfriend out of town," she grumbled.

"Understood. Although... that's what parents do, for their daughters. No one is good enough," he added with a grin.

His amusement irritated Ellie. Like Joel was the equivalent of some asshole kid trying to get in her pants or something. "The good enough thing is bullshit. Especially when the daughter is the one who's a piece of shit."

"What are you talkin' about? You think that's true just 'cause you said and did some things when you were angry?"

No, I think that because of the ginormous LIE I told Joel that made him fucking PROPOSE before I went and ruined his little fantasy. But Tommy didn't know about any of that, and he certainly didn't need to know. She just decided she'd do the 'lie of omission' thing and let him assume that a non-response to him meant that he was right. Lies lies lies... that's my specialty! She fiddled with her fingers in her lap.

"Honey, don't worry about that. We understand."

You don't understand JACK SHIT! she seethed. Honestly, though, she did owe him an apology for her behavior on the day she left. She had apologized to Maria and said she would go pick out another lamp for that room from Ghost Town. Since that was her room now, and she really didn't need the light (the night light sufficed), she hadn't done it yet. She was kind of waiting for the right mood to strike her. No doubt it would make her miss Joel... because the abandoned houses reminded her of being Outside, which always reminded her of Joel, and also because the two of them used to rendezvous in there, before going to California. Anyway, would they resort to doing that again, if they got back together? Would it even be possible with the Idaho people beginning to move into there -- with more on the way -- or, worse, if Tommy was still hell-bent on keeping them apart?!

Right... I have to win Tommy over to Team Joellie (as Sophie would say). It was sure to be a long battle. And she wasn't going to be all sweet to Tommy right away -- she certainly wasn't going to let him harbor this foolish idea of fucking adopting her.

"You can just forget about adopting me," she told him coldly, looking up from her hands to deliver an icy glare to match her tone. "I'll never agree to it. Not for you, or Joel, or anyone else. I don't need anyone looking out for me -- I can take care of myself. And I definitely don't need anyone telling me what I can and can't do. Fuck that. I'm my own person... my own boss. Because guess what: the only person I can count on is myself. It's always been that way, and always will be that way." I just... FORGOT for a while, when I was with Joel. ...okay, so like, for almost two whole YEARS. But I remember now.

The sympathy on Tommy's face made her look away again. "I know you're hurtin' right now," he said gently. "And you're pissed. But you can count on other people... people who care about you. Maria'n'me... we'll always be here for--"

"I can count on you guys to ruin my life, you mean?" she snarled. "Yeah. Awesome. Thanks for that."

"You know that wasn't my intention. And it ain't even true. But you're entitled to your feelin's... I'll leave you be." He started to get up.

"Yep, you can go back to your real family now," she muttered.

...And he sat right back down. "You are my real--"

"Okay okay -- I didn't mean it. You can go. I wanna be alone anyway." She slithered back down under the covers, coiling herself enough to not make contact with Tommy. She didn't bury her face in the pillow this time; she stared at the wall, her angry expression on full display.

"I'll stay if you want me to. It jus' seemed like you--"

"I just said I wanna be alone," she gritted out. Why the fuck didn't I just let him leave?!

He kept sitting there, like he hadn't heard her.

Oh my God... even Joel probably would've lost patience with me by now! She hadn't even heard so much as a sigh out of Tommy, this whole time. Her rudeness didn't seem to faze him at all, either. "Are you deaf? I want to be alooooone."

"All right, I hear you. Hope to see you at dinner later." He stood up for real this time; in doing so, something about his mannerisms reminded her of Joel. The way he... fixed his shirt or something...

Well, they ARE brothers... For one mad second, she thought about flinging herself into his arms and just pretending he was Joel. If she closed her eyes... maybe for a few seconds I can feel like... I dunno... GOOD? Loved?

But that was stupid. She had hugged Tommy before, plenty of times... but he had never held her the way that Joel did. And he never would. It would be too hard to pretend. Joel could not be replaced -- not by his brother, and not by anyone else.

There was something else she wanted to ask Tommy about before he left because it had been weighing on her, and she didn't want to wait until dinner (besides, she would probably go eat with Annie's family, now that Tommy was back). "Tommy?" she called to him when he reached the doorway.

He turned around. "Yeah?"

He's probably expecting an apology for my rudeness... well, tough shit. "Did your group make it back okay?"

He hesitated. "We can talk about that later."

Shit! She sat up again. "What? What happened?"

"It's all right. They're mostly okay."

Fuck fuck fuck-- "Who isn't?"

"Dexter. But don't worry, he's gonna be just fine. We took him to the medical center an' they fixed him up."

Ellie hoped he wasn't downplaying it to lessen the guilt. She liked Dexter -- he and Amanda were the couple in town with the second-biggest age gap (a piddly twenty-three years). And she wished Joel would adopt the guy’s if-you-don’t-like-it-you-can-go-fuck-yourself attitude regarding the age difference, but whenever she suggested as much to Joel, he scoffed at her and told her it wasn’t the same thing at all (even though it totally was). She hated that Dexter had gotten hurt while out searching for her. "You mean Idaho, right?" Otherwise Tommy would have said 'the clinic,' presumably...

"Right."

"What happened?"

"Uh... we had a lil' run-in with a couple guys who reckoned they could help themselves to our horses while we weren't ridin' 'em."

"Shit! So what happened with Dexter?"

"Took a bullet to the chest."

Ellie's jaw dropped. "...And he's okay?!"

"He was lucky. It lodged itself in his rib cage... missed hittin' any major organs, though. He'll recover."

"Fuck... does Amanda know? She must be freaking the fuck out." And probably wants to kill me!

"She's on her way there now."

"By herself?!"

"No no, Max said he'd go with her."

"Okay, good." She had always thought of Amanda as kind of a wuss. Ellie probably should have gone with her, really... as punishment or something... but oh gee, they already left, so that torture was out (ha). And fuck -- I can't leave town! I might miss Joel's return! What if he came back only to say a more permanent goodbye, but then didn't wait for her to come home? What if she got back from escort/bodyguard duty or wherever only to find some lousy fucking note?! No, Ellie wouldn't be setting foot outside of Jackson for any reason. Not until Joel came back.

And it still mildly amused her that Max had gone out to help look for her even though he was the one who had helped her escape. It had been hard to keep a straight face the other day when Maria had listed him among the searchers. Tommy's group was the last to return (and now she knew why)... so at least now it was confirmed that no one had died on her account. As long as Dexter pulls through!

"Don't feel bad about it," Tommy told her (was he reading her mind?). "He knew the risks. Everyone did. It's just... it is what it is."

Ellie let that dumb expression slide. "Did you kill the hunters? Thieves... whatever." -No, BANDITS -- that's what Jacksonites tended to call them... Ellie had latched on to Joel's 'hunter' term and it had just stuck.

"One of 'em. The other got away... and we just let him go, on account of Dexter bein' hurt. No time to chase after him."

"Shit -- what if he finds Joel?!"

"Then... I reckon the dude ain't got long to live. My brother is... hands down, the best killer I know. And no, I don't mean it in a good way... but I s'pose it's good for now."

"Fuck yeah it's good for now. For always." It was silly to worry about one fucking hunter anyway. She could hear Joel scoffing at her in her head: "You thought THAT little bastard might've bested ME? I thought you had more faith in me than that."

Tommy looked like he wanted to say something else... but apparently, he couldn't find the words, because he just stood there.

"I am glad you're okay," she ventured. "For Maria's sake. And Grayson's."

"And I'm glad you're okay," he tossed back with a smile. "For my sake."

She started to return the smile, but remembered she hated him in time to stop it from fully forming, and she laid back down in a hurry, her back towards the door. She listened as his footsteps receded into oblivion, leaving her alone with her sorrows again.

That's what I need to do to make it through today... recede into nothingness... To pull so far inside herself that she felt nothing. She used to be pretty good at it. Maybe the possibility of being pregnant had kept her hopes for a sunny future with Joel buoyed enough that she couldn't? But that was gone now. Joel was gone, too, and maybe she had to quit thinking about holding on until he came back. The truth was, he might never come back. Either due to breaking another promise, or because something awful happened to him... the not knowing was the hardest part.

So... how long do I wait before going to find the Fireflies? ...What was that stupid saying they had? "When you're lost in the dark, just look for the light..."

Ha. She was lost, alright. And the 'light' they would provide for her was... of the darkest variety. It would have to be a last resort -- so 'last' that she couldn't even think about it right now, even as a comfort plan, because what if Joel was gone for years... on purpose? What if it took him two years to decide he wanted to be with her eighteen-year-old self, but she gave up on him after only one?

That would be tragic on two levels -- because if he came back and found out where she had gone... assuming she could find a Firefly or two who wanted to kill her to further their vaccine research, and that Joel learned what had become of her... Regardless of whether or not he wanted to be with her, it would literally kill him! She knew him well enough to know that.

As angry as she was with Joel, the idea of that happening still stabbed her heart in a real mushy spot.

Back to plan A, then: suck it up. Tough it out. Endure and survive. Just... keep breathing.

~Continue to Chapter 45~

"Singularity" Chapter 43: "Complicated" [43/49]

2022-09-28T12:57:59Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 43: "Complicated" [43/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,513
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Joel had plenty of time to think now.

He had to watch his back (he'd meant it when he promised Ellie he would be careful), and his focus on day-to-day survival took up a fair amount of time and concentration, but he no longer had Ellie around to distract him from... himself, basically. Now, it was quiet. Every thought, every feeling... they felt amplified, or magnified. Like he could inspect them with more clarity, now that he'd removed the filter of the 'Ellie lens.'

Oh, those first couple days, though... he hadn't wanted to inspect jack shit. He let the anger come through (that emotion had never really troubled him much), but anything else? His M.O. was to stuff it in the box for later. And he was plenty angry with Ellie... but he was a lot angrier with himself. Ultimately, he was the one who had created the situation. He was the adult. He was supposed to look out for Ellie, not... whatever the hell he'd been doing, letting her dictate what their relationship should be -- up until he hadn't, and then he'd just... what -- expected her to adjust accordingly, without even explaining myself? Yeah, that wasn't realistic.

He wanted to go find Paul and Karma -- eventually. It just seemed like he ought to get some of his thinking done before he did, and he really wanted to find Tommy first. It was Joel's fault he was out there. If he hadn't left the way he did the first time, Ellie wouldn't have chased after him. And Joel should've known she'd find a way out. That girl can do anything she sets her mind to...

Leaving Ellie the hard way -- actually saying goodbye, instead of being a coward -- was every bit as gut-wrenching as Joel had expected it to be. Being angry with her hadn't made it any easier. In fact, it had probably made it worse, because now Ellie had a reason to beat herself up. He knew that in her experience... with school, with people... you fuck up, and you're gone. Maybe not so much in the past couple years... especially with him. But didn't that just make his leaving so much harder to bear? He was supposed to be her rock. The one who loved her unconditionally. He knew Ellie still struggled with that concept... but she had definitely come to trust him and to believe in his love for her so much more than she had a year ago. He had shattered that trust, in an instant. As soon as she had realized that after promising so many times not to, he had left her. The one thing in her life she could--

-NO. That ain't true anymore -- the ONE THING part... She had plenty of things she could count on -- plenty of them right there with her in Jackson. Joel hoped to God she was finding comfort in that. He hadn't asked her not to confide in Maria... not to talk to her about everything that had transpired since she'd found Joel in the jeep that day... would she do that? ...Would it help her if she did? He should have encouraged her to. There was no one else she could really talk to about it -- except Tommy, of course, if he'd made it back. Neither one of them would be the most receptive audience, given the subject matter, but they loved Ellie. They wanted to help her get over this.

They want to help her get over ME.

She was so young and resilient, he knew it was just a matter of time. How long would that take? A month? Half a year? ...A whole year? He wished he knew how long would be a fair amount to allow her. But he wasn't even sure he wanted her to get over him. In his head? Yes, of course. But in his heart... that was a big HELL no.

Figuring out how to reconcile the two was probably the first thing he needed to work on.

He felt like he owed her at least a month to sort things out on her end. She probably wouldn't be over him by then, per se, but she could be well on her way. That day he'd left... she'd started to harden her heart towards him. He had recognized that, and was willing to let her keep that feeling of control or power or whatever... but damn, was he ever glad to hear her call him back. He wanted that sweet, loving face to be his last memory of her. Maybe not the tears, so much... but he'd take those beautiful green eyes any which way he could get them.

Her suggestion that they have sex again, even if they stayed broken up, was just... I'm a selfish prick, but even I can't be that cruel. She would be over the worst of it, by the time he came back. Whenever that was. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her progress, if she had indeed come to the realization that she was better off without him. But he understood the desire to erase that last sexual encounter from her mind. Joel could simply dismiss it; those last few days they'd spent together had felt like some kind of warped... unreality. It wasn't real. (He might label it a fantasy, but that seemed to imply that all of it had been good.) He had plenty of 'real' memories of her. Simpler times. Even the not-so-simple ones... there was a considerable supply of good memories to draw from, should he wish to stroll down memory lane.

That wasn't what he needed to do now. He just needed to a) clear his head, and b) figure shit out.

He already knew he would be able to forgive Ellie for tricking him. He understood what had driven her to do it. If she had thought it through, he believed she would have made a different choice, but she'd been trying and trying to get through to him and having no success -- and since she had felt like she needed him to survive, the panic had started to set in there, at the end. Her fight-or-flight response got triggered -- and Ellie was a fighter at heart. Essentially, it was his fault for putting her in that position. Understanding that didn't excuse what she had done... but it counted for something. It softened his anger around the edges. Made him sympathize with her position... the abject desperation she must have felt.

Hopefully now she realizes that she does NOT, in fact, need me to survive. That was important. Hell, if there was one thing he wished for her to take away from this whole experience, it was that.

He also had to give her credit for confessing when she did. She could have accepted his proposal. Continued with her scheme. Let him go on to mourn what he thought was an actual child instead of a pretend one.

...Had he actually mourned the pretend one? That was all mixed up in the surreality of those last few days they'd spent together (...which he supposed he would have to untangle, eventually, but first things first). He had definitely felt disappointed. ...Not just disappointed -- more like punched in the gut? The sense of loss he'd felt had been extraordinary, considering the person he'd 'lost' had never existed.

But he felt like he was over that now, for the most part. Because none of it had been real. He knew what it felt like to lose a real child, and this... wasn't anything even remotely close to that, he was certain. From a logic-driven perspective, it had to be the equivalent of watching a sad movie and getting caught up in the drama for a little while, but when it was over, so were the feelings it conjured up. This movie was written and directed by Ellie herself, and his heavy emotional investment in it had caused him... what amounted to phantom pain. If it hurt, he just had to tell himself that it shouldn't, and that was that. His heart had synced up with his brain on that account, and he accepted that the whole family-of-three thing was just a goddamn fantasy (and yes, 'fantasy' was applicable in this instance, because he and Ellie had been galloping off into the sunset on a white horse towards a rosy future that could never exist in the real world).

What he couldn't brush off so easily -- even with its part in the fantasy world -- was the fact that he had asked a sixteen-year-old girl to marry him. He had asked a child to be his wife. He didn't think of her as a child much of the time, but technically, that's what she was. And he hadn't thought that decision through at all. He'd had the impulse, and immediately given into it -- not unlike a child. I guess Ellie really DOES make me feel like a damn teenager sometimes... He couldn't even blame it on the imaginary baby forcing his hand -- because hadn't he learned, a lifetime ago, that 'doing the right thing' was not always the right thing?

That was the crux of his romantic relationship with Ellie, really. (He would have to chew on that later.)

When Joel got tired of spending time in his head, there was always another matter he could turn his attention to. A whole list of them, actually. Searching for Tommy. Finding fuel for the jeep. Hunting. Skinning, cleaning, prepping... making a fire... cooking. Eating. Sleeping.

That last one... that was a bitch.

He did sleep, of course. At his age, it was impossible to go for days on end without it. He never expected to get good sleep Outside to begin with, but this time around, the nights were... just plain torture, really. It was always hard to shut his brain down for the night out here, since he couldn't do it all the way. Like his mind had a dimmer switch left on its lowest setting rather than switched off. With his thoughts as heavy and troublesome as they were lately, the light seemed to want to stay a little brighter in there... it kept him from the soothing dark calm of nothing -- of the peace one needed to feel in order to succumb to sleep.

And it wasn't just that, of course -- it was Ellie. His heart so full of love for her... his arms so empty they physically ached. To say he missed her... well, there needed to be a stronger verb for it.

Joel didn't know what to do about that, other than suffer through it. His first plan -- reverting to his pre-Ellie self, hastily rebuilding all the walls she'd torn down -- had failed. Backfired, even, because maybe that boomerang had compounded the whole... instant family thing. The other extreme. And he just couldn't do that this time. Again, he'd taken the coward's way out the first time, but now he was ready to do things right. He owed it to Ellie to do what he'd told her he would: sort shit out. Not... try to pretend she didn't exist, or whatever the hell he'd been doing before (at this point, he couldn't even say).

He might not have to think about protecting Ellie now... providing for her... measuring the words he said to her... considering her well-being with every decision he made, gauging how it would affect her... but she was never far from his thoughts. Which was to be expected, given that the whole point of this little... excursion... was to evaluate their relationship. ...There's also the fact that I love her so damn much?!

And it was rather surprising how long it had taken him to get used to not putting her needs before his own, seeing as how she wasn't even with him. He found himself idly wondering where she was at. As if she were just around the corner taking a piss or something. When cooking up a rabbit, he automatically set aside her favorite part -- the liver -- before realizing he needed to eat it himself. Whenever he cleared a place for a break or overnight stay, he asked himself is this safe enough for Ellie?

"Pretend I'm with you," she had told him. Yeah... she needn't have bothered advising him that -- she was with him, in his thoughts every minute of every day.

Everything should have been easier, ensuring the survival of one person instead of two. But it sure didn't feel that way to Joel. The unrest that he felt... the disquiet... the unnaturalness of it all, just eating at him... that had to offset any benefit of halving the number of survivors he was responsible for. Besides, Ellie was hardly dead weight. She more than held her own.

Even so, it should have been easier, with her not there to worry about. So why am I worrying about her MORE? I've already established that she is NOT safer with me than anyone else. He had figured that out long ago, then conveniently forgotten. Because he preferred the fantasy. Ellie did, too...

"I know shit happens, Joel, but... ugh, you DON'T UNDERSTAND."

"I don't?"

"You don't! You don't even know how awesome you are. Obviously this shit is scary and everything... but I feel a thousand percent safer with you than I do without you."

"A thousand percent? There's no such--"

"Yes there is and it's how I feel!"

"...Then you're forgettin' the fact that I HAVE let bad things happen to you."

"Not really -- the only bad stuff that's happened has been out of your control. Like we weren't even together at the time, or you were hurt--"

"No, we've been together and you still--"

"Then we just weren't together ENOUGH. Nothing bad has happened to me when I'm like... right by your side -- or even closer. You can't name ONE TIME."

"...Is that a challenge?"

"No because you fucking CAN'T. But... okay, fine, I dare you -- name one time!"

And he couldn't. But only because every instance he thought of, she could counter with Ellie logic. Like the time she nearly drowned in Salt Lake City -- he'd been right there, but she said the water had separated them and that if she had been able to grab his hand, she would have been fine. Whatever he came up with, she could refute.

About the only thing he truly had going for him over anyone else was that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would give his life for hers. In an instant. He couldn't say the same even for Tommy: his brother loved Ellie enough, sure, but he had his own family to consider. Whereas Joel...

What was it Ellie had said to him, when she was trying to change his mind about leaving... and she called out his reasoning on where he was going... "do you really think that's all your life is worth?" The spare tire thing.

Damn, she's smart as a whip. Joel hadn't looked at it that way, exactly, but it was true enough: latching on to another pre-made family kind of signified that he was giving up on the idea of having one of his own. He really did think Paul could use the help... that the guy deserved a break... and Joel felt he could have a somewhat-fulfilling life being his sidekick. After all, you didn't have to be blood relatives to be family. (Ellie would always be family to him, even if he couldn't define their exact relationship to one another.) Ellie was probably right about the little girl inadvertently torturing him, but maybe that would go away in time. Once he got to know Karma better in her own right. Anyway, Joel felt like this plan was definitely a step up from joining a band of hunters or something.

As far as what his life was actually worth...

It was pretty much nothing, at this very moment, simply because he was alone. A lone person... really didn't do anybody any good, including themselves. His thoughts drifted to Ron, the crusty old dude they'd met on the way to California... what purpose did he have in life? All he was doing was waiting around for his long-lost family to return. And let's face it -- after fifteen or twenty or however-many-it-was years? They ain't coming back. Was the poor old bastard deriving any pleasure from life whatsoever? If he was... then, perhaps that was enough. If he wasn't...

The way Joel saw it, there was absolutely no point in going through the daily task of survival with no one either going through it with you (to some extent, at least) or waiting for you at the finish line. Maybe if I'd never met Ellie, I wouldn't give a shit about that... maybe I would be more like Bill?

He certainly couldn't say he was deriving pleasure from life right now. Any natural beauty that touched him... a pretty sunrise, a field of wildflowers... it withered immediately because Ellie wasn't there to share it with him. -Actually, it didn't just wither -- it became an icy little spear that jabbed him in the heart. That negated the whole damn thing, leaving him worse off than he'd been the moment before. And it happened a lot, through various means. He couldn't even gaze up at the sky to speculate about the day's weather without wondering what fanciful thing Ellie would have seen in the clouds.

He just plain missed the hell out of his baby girl.

Is she all right? and I wonder what she's doing right now were the refrains on his mind. Sprinkled with other shit: Was she staying out of trouble? Was she happy? Was she getting the support she needed from friends and family? Was she sleeping okay... or having nightmares? Panic attacks? Did she get all the crying out of her system? (He sure hoped so.) Was she doing what he said... not kicking herself for the past, but living in the present? Making new friends, maybe? People who perhaps had kept their distance, when she was with Joel, but now felt like they had more opportunity to get to know her... and who the hell WOULDN'T want to get to know my amazing Ellie?

He didn't need to wonder if she missed him; of course she did. She would for a long time. The one he kept coming back to was does she NEED me?

He knew it was wrong... that it was a flaw in his character... but he liked it when she needed him. Not so big a flaw that he liked seeing her upset, at least, but... he liked being the one she turned to when she was. The one who could make things better. Fix things for her. Make her feel safe... make her smile, make her laugh... There was no better feeling in the whole world, than to do that stuff for her. To make her happy.

How much had his... Ellie-specific hero complex, or whatever-the-fuck, influenced her psyche over the past two years? With her background, was she naturally predisposed to be codependent, or had he made her that way by exhibiting such traits himself? It was a human thing, to need other people... but Ellie was a strong gir-- young woman. She shouldn't be resorting to desperate, unconscionable behavior to... 'keep a man.' That just... that ain't who she IS. I know it ain't.

...Yet I drove her to it.

Joel wasn't sure how much stock to put in that one incident. Granted, it was a huge goddamn incident, but ultimately... it was one mistake, and it had weighed on her heavily until it finally broke her. She had done the right thing, in the end. His mind wandered back to that night last year when she'd first told him she was in love with him... the news had completely blindsided him, idiot that he was... he hadn't handled it very well. He thought about how she had dealt with the rejection: she had made her case, every which way she could, but Joel wouldn't bend, and she had never resorted to any sort of theatrical nonsense to 'win him over.' She had been the one to leave, her pride intact... leaving him with a "please don't go" stuck in his throat. He remembered being impressed with her maturity.

So what the hell happened since then?

Well... lots of things. And, to be fair to her current self, Ellie hadn't acted so maturely in the days following that rejection.

To really be fair -- she was only a teenage girl. She was still finding her way. Yes, she was a young woman in some respects... but in actuality, wasn't she in the process of becoming one? That's what adolescence was all about. Was Joel just so far removed from that, at his age, that he'd forgotten? Was he letting Ellie snow him with her declarations of being older than her years... "totally ready for this"... all that shit she said to him to try to make him see her as an adult? She wasn't necessarily wrong about all of it... but how much was she right about? How much credit should she be given for her considerable life experiences, on the adult-versus-child meter? ...And how much did that not even matter at all because biology dictated that her teenage brain was still under construction?

...Joel felt like his brain was under construction after a bout of asking himself questions like these. One afternoon, it felt like there was a little dude in there with a big ol' jackhammer, just pounding away. It didn't help that he'd barely slept the night before, and was low enough on water that he'd been rationing it more skimpily than normal. I'll just take a little nap in the jeep... then head for the river...

He had already lost track of how many days he'd been gone. Probably at least a week. No sign of Tommy, or anyone else from Jackson. Before Joel had left, he'd gotten a little more information out of Maria about Tommy:

"So his plan was to go west? Is that all he said?"

"He felt like it was the most likely direction."

"And... was he just gonna follow the road all the way to California? You'll remember we went two different ways. One way there, a different way back."

"Right, right -- we talked about that -- he said they wouldn't go far enough that they had to make that choice. That he wouldn't look for more than a few days. Maybe a week, tops."

"What, and then he'd just... hope she'd guessed right an' caught up to me at some point? ASSUMED she was okay?"

"Of course not. They would come back home and re-assess things. You know the search efforts we make when people go missing... it always boils down to the two big questions when we can't find people right away: how long do we look, and how far out do we go? Tommy planned on following the standard protocol -- at least to start."

"I'm sure he did. That's a good thing... this time, at least."

"Look, that's what he told me... as far as the search parties were concerned. He might decide to send his party back but keep looking himself, though. He was really worried about Ellie being out there by herself... we both were. I suggested he come back and maybe we could discuss getting the military to help."

"The military?"

"Yes -- they can cover a lot more ground in a lot less--"

"Neither of you should EVER get the military involved when it comes to Ellie or me, all right?"

"Why not?"

"...It's just better that you don't."

"O... kay? Is this about the Fireflies? They're two separate--"

"No. Although it's possible they learned what happened with the Fireflies an' got the names of those involved. That's why I asked you to either use fake names or completely omit us if they ever want some kind of... town manifest. Maria, I'm tellin' you, we made a lot of enemies crossin' the country... some of 'em knew our names, word might've got around..."

"All right, I get it. It doesn't even matter now since it won't be necessary."

Of course, those lies had been convincing because they weren't exactly lies. Joel was just far more concerned with recent history than with ancient. And it's becoming less recent all the time... still, he parked the jeep in a grove of trees, where it would be heavily shaded from the sun... as well as anything else up there that might be looking down on him. He had long since passed the area where the Black Hawk had landed -- and found that it was still there, although the soldiers' bodies were not. Joel had kind of kept his ears perked for word about the incident to filter down to him through Tommy or Maria, and when it didn't... he took it as a good sign. Maybe the flyboys hadn't managed to get any word back to their base about what had happened before they died. In that case, they could have landed for any number of reasons... and it could have been anyone who had attacked them. Probably a band of hunters or Infected... certainly not an old man and a little girl.

Ellie would probably be disappointed that they didn't repair the damn helicopter, so it could go fight wildfires and whatnot... maybe they just haven't gotten around to it yet... it wasn't as easy to repair things now as it used to be, even for the military. Whatever damage Joel had done... he felt like it was reversible.

...Yes. She's young. She'll be--

--Christ, I wasn't even thinking about Ellie for a SPLIT SECOND -- yet I was still thinking about her.

He slumped in his seat, trying to get comfortable enough just to have himself a little catnap and hopefully curb the jackhammering, even just a little. He really didn't want to lay down in the back... ever. (That was an Ellie-and-him spot, best avoided if possible.) He was tired enough that dozing off shouldn't be a problem... at all... even with Ellie... obviously never far from his thoughts... ...always right there...

"Poor Joel... why don't you let me trade places with you? Isn't it EXACTLY for situations like this that you taught me how to drive stick? Come on..."

Joel actually turned his head towards the passenger seat, opened his eyes... and, for some reason, was surprised to find that Ellie was not sitting there. I JUST SAW HER... heard her, mostly...

...Shit. He was losing it. One week in, already losing his damn mind.

He dozed off again... and this time when he opened his eyes, he didn't see Ellie -- he saw the little blond girl. The ghostly one, in the white dress... she wasn't crying this time, just looking at him--

But only for a second. When he blinked, she was gone.

Yep... losing it. For sure. He was nowhere near the haunted highway right now. ...Do ghosts travel? I thought they pretty much liked to haunt one place... hell, what do we really know about it, though?

He wished Ellie were here -- and not just on account of missing the hell out of her. Ellie would be able to tell him if he was crazy or not. She was correct in her observation that most of the people they told those stories to tended to just arch their brows and give off a "cool story, bro" sort of vibe. He supposed he would, too, if he were in their shoes, because it did sound batshit crazy. Especially the time warp/changing direction part. The fact that both of them had experienced that the same way is what told Joel that it had really happened. If he had been alone, he would have eventually come to doubt his own recollection of it... and I would've reckoned I was either confused, or just losing my damn mind -- like I surely am now.

Joel ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath, willing himself not to get shook up over this shit. He knew without a doubt that Ellie had not been there beside him a short while ago. He would probably never know if the little girl was some kind of sleep hallucination or not. Only Ellie would understand...

-Just like only she and I understand the way we love each other. No one else really KNOWS, from the outside. They don't see our private, most intimate moments. The way we can understand each other without words. The way it feels like we really are the same person sometimes. Even the people who accept us as a couple don't fully understand the depth of our connection... except Sophie, maybe, because she was with us in Sacramento, and afterwards... but still -- she don't know EVERYTHING. ...As for Tommy and Maria -- they understand the least of all. It's possible they're only listening with their heads, not their hearts... that they might come around... but also possible -- and perhaps more likely -- that they just plain DON'T GET IT.

And this... this was not the sort of thing he was meant to be thinking about. He'd been justifying their relationship to himself for the better part of a year now. What he needed to do was extract himself from it, in order to view it more objectively.

He felt the beginnings of a cramp in his right foot, so he slid out of the jeep and preemptively walked it off, grateful that it wasn't a charley horse. Ellie suffered them occasionally, too, but Joel got them regularly if he wasn't drinking enough water. Time to quit tooling around in the jeep and go find Paul and Karma, who would likely be camped out by a reliable water source. Time to assume that Tommy and company had made it home -- if they hadn't, Maria would probably enlist the military's help anyway, and Joel would prefer to avoid any such encounters. If Tommy had followed the highway out to begin with, and then decided to turn around, the logical thing to do would be to take a different way home, with the hopes of finding Ellie along the way -- he wouldn't simply retrace his steps along a path where he knew she wasn't going to be. -Or thought he knew. Unless he'd anticipated Joel's inclination to-- ...ha, no, he's looking for Ellie, not me, and SHE AIN'T HERE. Right the first time. WE ARE TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE.

Joel did notice that his headache had abated some, at least. Instead of a jackhammer, it was more like a regular hammer. I can work with this.

* * * * * * *

Finding the right spot was easy, since they had spent a few days there. I spent a few days there, he rephrased in his head. This was his futile attempt to retrain his brain to separate or distinguish himself from Ellie.

What's the use? Both ways, the statement is true. Changing the pronoun didn't change the facts.

He recognized the area... some of the 'markers' were still intact, or somewhat-intact (a yellow cord tied around a tree, a cluster of rocks arranged like a smiley face... shit like that) ...but no Paul, no Karma. Joel searched the surrounding area pretty thoroughly, to no avail. He wondered if that meant Paul had had a run-in with someone while 'doing the train,' as the little girl liked to put it. Paul hadn't come right out and said it, but he had implied that sometimes that was the motivating factor to leave a certain area, and to lay low for a bit. And he's been doing this now for... almost two years? When is his luck going to run out?

Joel reckoned he would find them eventually if he followed the train tracks west or northwest, like the man had told him previously. Unless they'd moved frequently in the past month -- or perhaps hadn't settled at any one place at all -- they wouldn't yet be aware that the Boise QZ was no longer operational. At first, Joel figured he would save them the trouble of going there... then he figured, maybe he would mention it, but suggest that they still go check things out personally and see what was going on up there.

To say that Joel didn't trust the military to give it to them straight would be an understatement.

And this was one instance where he was glad Ellie wasn't with him: if they did encounter any military, whether it be in Idaho or anywhere else, getting scanned wouldn't be a death sentence. Also, he was less likely to trigger any red flags on his own than he was with Ellie. He was just some grizzly old dude, not unlike any other goddamn hunter out there -- he wasn't some grizzly old dude with a teenage girl in tow.

Following the railroad was simple enough... actually finding two people in the vast surrounding areas was not. Joel still had the jeep (which certainly did make him unlike most hunters... all right, maybe that cancels out the no-Ellie thing), so he couldn't just drive alongside the tracks, hoping he would have enough time to hightail it to cover should a train appear on the horizon. It wasn't even physically possible in some areas to drive right beside the tracks -- even with the versatility of the jeep -- and he wasn't stupid enough to drive right on the tracks. He just needed to follow the basic trajectory of the railroad, using the tracks as a compass while he searched. Besides, Paul also wasn't stupid: he wouldn't set up shop anywhere that was actually in view of the tracks.

Joel was searching, and he was still thinking... he just tried not to do the two at the same time. Occasionally, he caught his focus slipping. Stray thoughts and questions that he didn't much care to think about were easily shoved aside for later... the pain of missing Ellie was harder to ignore. And he didn't know what word to use to describe it, other than 'pain' (although that felt inadequate, too). The desire to see her was eating away at his insides. Or maybe just at my heart... it hurt physically, emotionally, spiritually... and time didn't seem to be remedying it, but he expected it would take a hell of a lot longer than a couple of weeks to notice any damn difference. Probably longer than he intended to be away from her in the first place. Which is... how long?

Hell if he knew. Still.

No matter how long he was away from her, he reckoned he would never recover fully from it... if he decided it was best that they were apart permanently. And he didn't know if he could decide that without talking it through with her first. However, he also couldn't imagine that talk going any better than the last one had. You're thinking short-term, asshole... during this time apart, she might actually come to agree with that decision, if it's been long enough for her to move on. ...She MIGHT. In theory, it's possible.

Given some of the things she'd said, he reckoned she was fighting the idea of getting over him. Then again... if she took his advice and spent time with other people... who knows? Maybe she'll realize she wasn't as in love with me as she thought-- especially since he'd broken her heart. She might find the idea of starting over with someone new – someone who had never hurt her or betrayed her or broken promises to her -- really appealing. He couldn't assume anything. In his weakest moments, he wanted to fly home as quickly as possible and tell her he'd made a huge mistake... beg her forgiveness... take her in his arms--

Fortunately, he was able to curb such impulses with a healthy dose of logic. The whole point was for each of them to become stronger as individuals. If that meant Ellie grew away from him, then... then that's what needs to happen. Good for her, ridding herself of the old man... maybe I just shouldn't ever go back...

Ellie had made it very clear that she did not want this 'break.' He'd had to promise that he would return. She never would have let him leave, otherwise. He'd broken enough promises by now that she might not be surprised if he broke this one, too... but he couldn't do that to her -- she deserved a resolution. She was in limbo right now, and he couldn't leave her there. That would be the biggest dick move possible.

Perhaps the second-biggest dick move possible would be to send word to her somehow... through a guard at the gate or something. "Hey, can you please let Ellie know that I won't be comin' back after all?" ...and then hope they would pass it-- no, he would have to tell Tommy or Maria directly. He had to know for sure that the message would be delivered, and those two would probably do it with gusto -- and perhaps even delay the delivery long enough to ensure she wouldn't come charging after him. "Joel stopped by a week ago. He wanted to let you know he ain't comin' back. It's for the best, sweetheart."

The problem with that method was that she might not believe them. However, Tommy and Maria weren't in the habit of lying to Ellie, so... At least that way she would hate me... she wouldn't be wondering if something happened to me, or wrestle with how long to wait before trying to find me in case I'm in trouble or something like that... no, she would have the luxury of hating my guts. Should make for a quicker recovery.

Except that wasn't always the case. What if the anger consumed her... changed her...

STOP. That ain't gonna happen 'cause I can't do that to her.

She hadn't bought his asshole act when he'd left the first time, and she'd probably see through it again if it came down to it, so that was out. ...Unless... well, if enough time went by, she either might not care enough to fight it, or she might be more inclined to buy it, since she had no reason to believe his love wouldn't just die out one day.

Whatever-- POINT BEING... yes, it hurt like hell to be away from her. The thought of seeing her again someday might actually be the only thing keeping him sane. One thing that actually seemed better now, in terms of his psyche, was that he no longer had to fight off feelings of panic or intense anxiety over not knowing with one hundred percent certainty that she was okay. And those feelings had already abated somewhat, once they'd settled in back home. ...If you can call being home a few weeks being 'settled in'... Shit -- his gut had been right to dread that return to Jackson. Maybe he should have listened to it. Taken Ellie some place else.

What's done is done -- and he could wallow in 'what if's and self-pity later. He had a job to do now.

He was glad they had left the atlas in the jeep. It gave him something to go by... if he had no luck with the railroad, Plan B was to check out the rivers and lakes to the west, towards Boise. Eventually, Paul was going to have to part ways with the railroad to check out that QZ... but when would that 'eventually' come?

Taking catnaps in the jeep had become habit. A bad one, he supposed, because when he put it to the would I be doing this if Ellie was with me? test, it failed. (He probably wouldn't need so many naps in the first place because he would be sleeping better at night, but that was beside the point.) Hallucinating afterward was not a typical side effect... but it was happening again! That little blond girl in the trees--

"Joel! Are you awake now? ...You are!"

...she's real this time -- and it's Karma, not the ghost!

She had been standing maybe a hundred feet away from him, and was now running towards the jeep, a big smile on her face.

Joel rubbed his eyes and took a quick look around. When he didn't see Paul anywhere, he took a harder look, adjusting the seat to be a little more upright. Nothing amiss or out of place, that he could see... or hear... or feel in his gut. He turned his attention to the little girl. Felt the corners of his mouth lifting for the first time in weeks. Unfortunately, he was about to break her little eight-year-old heart, because he knew the first thing she would--

"Where's Ellie? Ellie, are you hiding?" Karma looked in the back seat... then seemed to be trying to determine if Ellie could fit in the cargo area.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry... she ain't with me this time. I'm s'posed to give you a hug from her, though, an' tell you she misses you... tons, I think is what she said." That sounds about right...

The smile vanished. "But -- I really wanna see her!"

Me too, kid... me too. "I know. Maybe next time. But hey, guess what -- I brought you some presents. I know it ain't nearly as good as seein' Ellie... but I think you'll like 'em. Where's your dad at?"

She did look mildly intrigued about the presents, but she was beyond the ideal age for the distract-with-shiny-things method to ~make it all better~. "He's checking the traps. We saw your jeep. Then we saw you in it. Daddy said you weren't hurt, just sleeping, cuz the seat was down some and you had that big gun on top of you -- but there's no doors -- what if you rolled over and fell out?"

"...Uh... I s'pose that could happen. I oughta be more careful." Except the moment he felt the need to roll over when he was napping, he just woke up instead.

"I wanted to see if Ellie was with you, but Daddy said we should let you sleep. And he said if I got too close you might shoot me cuz you wouldn't know it was me, so I was right there." She turned and pointed to the spot she'd been occupying, as if Joel hadn't just seen her come running from there, then turned back towards him. "He said I should guard you while you're sleeping so nothing bad happens to you. Except that's kind of backwards cuz you have a gun and I don't -- I think what he meant was I should do something to wake you up if I saw anyone around -- which I didn't, cuz there's no one around here anywhere -- and we didn't want you to just drive away without visiting us first so I had to make sure you didn't do that. I really wish Ellie was with you!"

Joel was pretty sure he'd caught most of that, although his brain kind of felt overloaded from the barrage after receiving zero verbal input for... three weeks now, maybe? If he hadn't taken to talking to himself, the jeep (and various other inanimate objects), and even to an imaginary Ellie, his vocal chords probably would have rusted over a bit by now. Definitely caught that last thing... "I do, too," he commiserated. "She couldn't come. Believe me, she really wanted to. I had some... business to attend to. Grown-up stuff. Woulda been... irresponsible of me... to bring her along. You understand?" ...'Cause I sure don't...

"No. She's big -- I don't get why she couldn't do the stuff with you."

"Well... she, uh... she just... ...basically, she... ...it's complicated. You know what that means?"

She nodded. "It means you can't really explain it good."

Joel chuckled. That definition is about as succinct as it gets. "That's exactly right."

"Can you move the gun out of the way?"

"...Sure." He didn't see how the shotgun was 'in the way,' as he'd let it slide down between his legs and made sure it was pointed it away from her, but he obligingly swung it into the back seat.

Before he'd even turned back around, Karma just clambered right up into his lap and slid her arms around his neck. "You can give me Ellie's hug now."

Joel was so surprised... so touched, by that... he didn't know what to say. He hugged her tight... probably for too long, but the little girl tolerated it. He gave her two big squeezes before letting go. "One from me, one from Ellie," he explained.

"Those were both from Ellie!" she giggled, pulling back to look at him. "Give me yours -- where you do it as hard as you can. ...Pleeease?"

Aww... "All right, if you really don't like breathin'..."

"Yes!"

It was such a common word, but the way she said it... the inflection... she got that from Ellie. Joel remembered that Paul hadn't been a big fan of the vise grip hugs, so he squeezed her only marginally harder this time -- making her squeal, but not quite gasp for air -- then gently slid her into the passenger seat. "Here, I'll get this stuff outta your way..." Or her feet's way; he didn't actually store anything on the seat itself, given the lack of a door to keep it from sliding right out if he hit a bump or had to swerve for some reason.

"You did it harder last time," Karma pointed out.

"Did I? I must be gettin' weak." He tucked his backpack and a couple more weapons into the back seat, keenly aware of the little girl's eyes on him.

"Did the hugs help?" she asked.

"Help what?" He turned his attention back to his passenger.

"Sometimes if I'm sad, Daddy hugs me, and I feel a little better. Do you feel better?"

It occurred to Joel that he hadn't bothered to check his reflection in a while; he must look pretty damn bad if it was noticeable to a little kid. I must look like... something between 'shit' and 'death warmed over'? He forced a smile. "I do. Thank you. How did you know I needed one?"

"You're sad -- I can just tell. Cuz you miss Ellie, right?"

"Yes. I miss her very much."

Karma looked at him solemnly. "You know what you should do? Daddy says that whenever I miss Mommy and it's making me really sad, I should think about happy times that I had with her. That'll make me smile and then I won't feel so sad anymore."

If only it were that simple. "That's a good idea. Does it always work?"

"Well... not always. It doesn't always work for Daddy either cuz..." She lowered her voice (...so the birds wouldn't overhear?). "Can I tell you a secret?"

Joel reflexively lowered his voice in response. "Sure."

"He cries sometimes. He always tries to hide it cuz he doesn't want me to see but I know he does... I've seen him, when he thinks I'm not looking -- like if he doesn't know I'm there. But don't tell him I told you, okay?"

Joel felt his insides constricting; he was starting to wonder why he thought it would be a good idea to come visit. No... it's fine... it's gonna hurt, no matter where I'm at... "I won't say a word. Can I tell you a secret?"

She nodded eagerly.

"I cry sometimes, too," he whispered. ...It had happened once or twice, at least.

"You do?" She seemed surprised, even though she could "just tell" that he was sad.

"Yep. And I don't like people to see it, either."

She absorbed this for a moment. "Maybe you guys shouldn't try to hide it so much."

Joel chuckled. "Yeah, maybe."

"Daddy says it's okay to cry. But if it's really okay then why is it a secret? That doesn't make much sense."

Lots of things don't make sense in this world... but this one did. "Well... I reckon some things... are just easier to do in secret. Hidin' it don' necessarily mean it's a bad thing." Some things are best left hidden... hiding was a means of protection, after all. And what kind of things most need protection? Precious things... fragile things... things that might crumble if you make one wrong--

"I don't like crying in secret," she announced matter-of-factly.

"No?"

"Nope -- you don't get any hugs when you do it that way."

Damn, she keeps making me smile... "That... is very true. That's a good reason to do it with other people." And now he had an amusing mental image of the three of them -- himself, Paul, and Karma -- sitting by a campfire, all folded up into a group hug, bawling their eyes out. Possibly after singing Kumbaya.

"If you wanna cry cuz you miss Ellie, it's okay. I'll give you a hug. Maybe I'll cry with you cuz I miss her too?" she suggested.

"That is a very generous offer. I might take you up on that. But right now, we need to go find your dad, all right?"

"Yeah -- I meant for later. Crying happens more at night."

Ain't that the truth.

Joel made Karma put her seatbelt on (he had to put his on, too, when she called him on it), then he set off in the direction she pointed. It felt good to have a copilot again... even if it wasn't Ellie. It didn't need to be Ellie. In fact, it's good that it's NOT Ellie... repeat as needed: I don't need Ellie to feel like I have a purpose. It wasn't so complicated after all -- it was a matter of retraining the mind. Reconditioning the heart. Reassessing reality.

I don't need Ellie... I don't need ANYone... I don't need Ellie...

It was true. Because if he actually needed Ellie in order to survive, he would be dead by now... and he was still drawing breath, wasn't he?

But... goddamnit... it's the POINT of drawing breath. The WHY. That's where--

Just stop with that shit. All you've gotta do right now is focus on the task at hand. Current task: find Paul.

He hoped like hell there was something physically demanding he could help the other man with, because Joel really needed to get out of his own damn head for a while.

~Continue to Chapter 44~

"Singularity" Chapter 42: "Terms of Endearment" Part 2 [42/49]

2022-09-14T12:52:12Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 42: "Terms of Endearment" Part 2 [42/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,276
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

It took a little longer than normal to reach their house. Joel must have run out of glares or something, because this time, the two of them were accosted several times by well-meaning-but-fucking-annoying people who wanted to know if they were okay, what happened, blah blah blah. Although she wasn't really in a socializing mood, Ellie was also in no hurry to say goodbye to Joel, so she tolerated these people for as long as Joel would allow, humoring them with vague or generic responses, for the most part.

One exception: she was asked variations of "So how'd you do it, girl?" by every single person, to which she gave a different-but-equally-ridiculous reply each time. She didn't give a fuck what the rumor mill said anymore, and if anyone wanted to believe that she'd somehow managed to teleport herself Outside, they were welcome to. Joel had stopped asking her the question a long time ago -- pretty much immediately after she'd found him -- yet Ellie got the feeling sometimes that he just somehow fucking knew. Because... he was Joel. But of course, he couldn't possibly know, so Max was safe. And the fact that no one else seemed to know anything about her escape method led her to believe that the secret was still very much a secret... except how many people know I offered to blow a guy to let me out? FUCK, Joel can NEVER find out about that! Maria hadn't said anything, thank God, but Ellie couldn't tell if she knew. Would she have said something just now if she did? Wouldn't she WANT Joel to know?

As upsetting as that was to think about, though, Ellie had bigger problems at the moment: barring some miraculous change of heart, Joel was fucking leaving.

She still had her house key in her backpack, so she was able to let them in. After depositing her bag in its usual corner, she went directly to the couch ... but Joel called her over to the table instead. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing... they'd had plenty of talks there, obviously... but she couldn't just sneakily snuggle him that way, or try to climb into his lap...

Yeah, that was no doubt exactly why Joel had chosen the table instead of the couch. He didn't want any of that from her. How stupid she was to take his affection for granted before, and not appreciate it as a finite resource!

At least he pulled the chair around to sit on the side; he was sitting where she'd been a few days ago, not all the way across, where Tommy had been. He was leaning on his forearms... his hands were accessible... but Ellie didn't dare try to hold one of them. She tried to sit like he was, but it didn't feel natural, so she just fiddled with her hands instead, making sure to keep them available should Joel decide he wanted one.

He didn't immediately say anything once they were seated, so Ellie took it upon herself to start the conversation. "Do you think Maria thinks we're fucking in here?" she smirked. "She seemed really tired. Like she didn't give a shit if we were or not. She wasn't gonna stop us. Not that she could anyway, with a--"

"That's enough," he cut in, not unkindly. Just... enough pretending this was a normal conversation?

Yeah, prob'ly... "One question first? How the fuck did Grayson get sick? They weren't even taking him out in the stroller yet, and we all washed our hands and stuff..."

"It happens. Maybe they got a little lax with the handwashin'... who knows. There's always germs gettin' transferred around, one way or another. It's impossible to protect kids from everythin' out there... much as you may want to, you just can't."

Ellie swallowed an unexpected lump in her throat. "You can."

"Ellie... don't."

"Don't what?"

He sighed. "It ain't even true. I've let plenty of bad things happen to you... caused bad things to--"

She shook her head -- and instinctively reached for his hand. "No! You've always protected me -- made me feel safe --"

"Not all the time -- but we ain't here to discuss that shit." He calmly removed her hand and... gave it back to her, basically.

She hated that this entire time, he'd been beating himself up about Sacramento over what had amounted to an accident. Obviously, he would never do anything to hurt her -- and attacking those fucking hunters was his way of trying to keep her safe! But she knew she would never convince him of this. At least not right now. Maybe with time and reiteration, he would start to believe her, but right now, all it would do was irritate him, and she couldn't afford to do that. "Right. You have to give me some rules. I'll do whatever you want -- just tell me."

He sighed again. "I don't wanna just... lay 'em out like the law or somethin'. More like... help you come to terms with it."

"With what? ...What does that even mean?" ...ALREADY with the fucking tears, Ellie? Fuck...

And already he was looking away from her. "This... is why I left the way I did. It was cowardly, but--"

"Should I not ask questions? I'll stop! I'm sorry! Just tell me the fucking rules. I'm listening." I'm really not TRYING to get on your nerves this time, Joel, I swear!

"No, that ain't... ...You can ask questions. And I should thank you... for bein' so agreeable." He glanced at her. "This is hard for me too, you know. But after these last few days... I need to get my head screwed on straight."

Ellie didn't like the sound of that. "Meaning... you're going to replay Tommy's bullshit in your head? Over and over... until you..." ...get farther away from me than you already are? ...turn back into that stranger I found the other day who wasn't YOU?

"Meanin'... I'll sort through everythin' and... reconcile it better. Like I said back at the house, you ain't the only one who's done things lately without thinkin' 'em through."

"But you don't need to leave," she pleaded. "You can think right here. I told you -- I'll leave you alone if you want. You know I will! Haven't I always been good about that? When you... need your space or whatever?"

"Tch. Sure, you've been good about that... but I never wanted to be away from you for all that long."

Past tense? Fuck... "And... now you do," she stated quietly.

"Not exactly. It's more like... I need to be."

She nodded glumly. "You're pissed. I get it--"

"Not just that. Yes, I'm upset about what you did, but... it has just as much to do with me. My actions. I asked a teenage girl... to marry me. That's just--"

"No you didn't -- you asked me. I'm not really a teenage girl!" she reminded him.

"Hate to break it to you, kiddo, but yeah you are."

"I'm an old soul! Remember?" Annie had told her that, and she liked it; it made her feel closer to Joel, age-wise (even if Joel didn't seem to agree). "I know I fucked up... and I will apologize for that every day -- every hour, if you want--"

"Ellie, jus' stop. This ain't gettin' us nowhere. I'm leavin': that part is nonnegotiable."

Ellie felt a spark of hope at the prospect of negotiations; how many times had Joel told her she was persuasive? Irresistible? Impossible to say no to? She just had to reserve her charms for the appropriate time. Unless he's so pissed off they don't work like they usually do... fuck, he wasn't even pissed at me the other day and nothing worked except the Big Lie... she did tend to rely heavily on physical persuasion, and she didn't have that advantage this time, either. -But! He's said I had him wrapped around my little finger even before we were a COUPLE -- before I COULD use physical means -- so there's still hope! (Ellie liked to say that she preferred him to be wrapped around her whole body, not just one dinky little finger.) "So... there are parts that are negotiable? What are those?" she asked innocently.

He was actually smiling a little. She hadn't even noticed, because she'd been preoccupied trying to think of--

"I can practically see the wheels turnin' in your brain right now," he said, sounding rather smug, or pleased with himself. "Whatever you're thinkin', it won't work. I mean there really ain't much wiggle room here. We don't have a means of communicatin', so there's no... boundaries to set, an' whatnot..."

"Which means... you have to come back a lot? Yeah! To check in -- like you said to Maria!"

"No. It means... ...I don' know. I can't give you a time frame. It's hard enough to do that out there to begin with, and I... just don' know. I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you."

Ellie groaned. "It's not fair -- not only do I have to miss the fuck out of you, but I have to worry about you being Outside. You don't have to worry about me." Unless... WOULD he still? He used to worry every time I left his sight... it made her sad to think he didn't care that much anymore. And she had always equated Joel's worrying with caring -- which is why she truly did love it when he was overprotective, and failed to see how anyone could consider it a problem.

"Well... you know what they say: who ever said life was fair."

Ellie had been hoping for reassurance that he would worry about her anyway, but she wasn't going to flat out ask him. "They also say out of sight, out of mind," she grumbled. Oh, how torturous this was going to be! It was bad enough that time he was gone for that week-plus... it was something like ten days total, with a little visit in the middle. She had known where he was, though. That he was safe. And that he was missing her as much as she was missing him... well, ALMOST as much.

"Don't forget 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' " he added. "Those two cancel each other out."

I NEED his heart to grow fonder-- "One of them has to be true, though. ...Right?"

"Not necessarily. But no, I ain't gonna just... run off an' forget all about you. I'll come back. Prob'ly at precisely the wrong time, somehow--"

"There's no wrong time -- the sooner, the better. You can come back tomorrow if you want!" Holy FUCK she wanted that to happen so bad!

"I'll play it by ear," he replied, ignoring her awesome suggestion. "I reckon it'll be like Monterey: when it's time, I'll somehow just know."

Ellie snorted. "Um, yeah, pretty sure that didn't happen the way you imagined. But I guess that won't be an issue for you this time. I won't be around to... fuck everything up." She stared at her hands; she got the feeling he wanted to look at her, but he never seemed to want to maintain eye contact, so she figured she'd help him out.

"I'm hopin' Tommy an' Maria will do a better job of keepin' you out of trouble than I did."

"...Seriously?" She forgot about looking at her hands because she just had to look at him when she responded to that! "You cannot think that that was your fault -- that anything I've ever done, or whatever's happened--"

"Maybe not all of it, but a fair bit of it was preventable. Like with the army base. If you had told me what you were thinkin' of doin'--"

"But I didn't tell you! So it's not your fault! I made that mistake!"

"Again -- we don' need to get into all that," he replied calmly.

"No. I think we do. I know it feels like we're the same person sometimes... but we're not." They didn't talk about shit like that very often... didn't get all sappy and mushy with each other... but I KNOW Joel feels like that, too!

"What happens to one of us..."

"...happens to the both of us," she recited. "That doesn't mean when one of us fucks up, it's also the other one's fault!"

"It does when one of us is young--" --thankfully, he didn't call her a fucking child!-- "--and decides not to tell the other 'cause they don't feel comfortable doin' so--"

"No! That's not why! I just knew you wouldn't like it -- and I knew you would stop me! It's not like I don't trust you or something!"

"...Yeah."

She waited for him to elaborate, but that was all he said. "Yeah what?"

"I don't think you trust me as much as you think you do. Especially now. After what I did."

"I don't care about that!" Fuck -- what she had done was ten times worse! "If that's what this is about -- why you feel like you have to leave --"

"No, no... it ain't just that. It ain't just you. It's--"

"IT'S ME," she finished for him. "I guess that's slightly less bullshitty than the normal 'it's not you, it's me'? Cuz you put a just in there. Like you can at least admit to it partly being me."

He wasn't exactly smiling, but Ellie could tell he was amused.

That's a good thing! Usually Joel's amusement over something that irritated her only served to enhance her irritation, but anything that made him happy... and made him more like her Joel... "What's so funny?" she asked, trying not to sound too eager.

"Just rememberin' another time you got all annoyed about that. I think I've proven to you that I was tellin' the truth, that time."

Remembering stuff is REALLY good! Because no matter what memory it was, he had surely liked her better at the time than he did right now -- and I'm the same person. A WORSE person, but still ME... And it seemed he wasn't going to finish telling her without prompting. "When was that? I don't remember."

"The night of the wedding. You were a lil' tipsy, as I recall. Too much champagne."

Oh fuck... is it something embarrassing? She usually dreaded being reminded of such things -- like how Joel still teased her about singing "I Want Your Sex" in the shower that one day when she thought she was alone! -- but now she hoped it was something like that. Something that made him laugh... made him remember how much he loved her... made him change his mind about leaving... "Uh... still don't remember."

"Never mind. It's--"

"No! Now you have to tell me! It's mean not to!"

He didn't seem amused anymore, though. "It ain't even funny. It's actually one more example of me messin' with your head."

Oh Goddddd-- "But you don't. You don't fuck me up the way you think you do!" She resisted the urge to add a dirty little joke there, sensing that he wouldn't appreciate it right now.

"I do. It was after the reception. When we got home... went to bed. You... ended up thinkin' that I wasn't attracted to you. That there was somethin' wrong with you, 'cause of the way I never let you... touch me, an' whatnot... remember?"

"Oh." She remembered that now. That wasn't the right kind of embarrassing thing she wanted him to think of! "That wasn't your fault. I was stupid back then. I was only fifteen. You told me over and over--"

"That's right -- now that you're sixteen, you're so much older'n'wiser."

He's being sarcastic, obviously, but... There was amused-sarcastic and irritated-sarcastic, and unfortunately, this felt more like the latter. "Well... yeah. I've grown up a lot since then! Thank God you let me touch you now."

"I think you still have some more growin' up to do. I do kinda miss those days, though. When you were... more innocent. When sex was... ..."

He didn't finish that thought, but Ellie was pretty sure she didn't want to hear the rest of it. It dredged up an old worry she had voiced to Sophie, right before she and Joel had had sex for the first time; Sophie had assured her that Joel would still love her even if she wasn't as 'innocent' as he seemed to want her to be. And, of course, she had been right. But that was BEFORE-- before Ellie had started ruining everything! "I still looooove having sex with you. Making love with you. ...I wouldn't trade that for anything. It's not fair to--"

"I know, all right? Never mind all that now. Point is... we could both use some time apart. We've spent the better portion of the past... nearly two years now, either together or only apart for a few hours."

"I don't need time away from you!" she cried. "There's nothing wrong with--"

"Oh, there's plenty wrong with it... I don't expect you to under--"

"When we left Boston, what were we supposed to do? 'Oh, say, Ellie, I don't think it's right for us to be together so much, even though it's just the two of us out here, so why don't we take a few days off from that and--' "

"That ain't what I meant an' you know it."

"Well, then you only get to count one year of being together. Less than that, really, cuz of going to California and back! So there's only been a few months where we had a choice. And we chose not to be apart. Because that's what you do when you fucking love someone -- you want to spend--"

"Don't get all worked up, now."

"I'm not!"

"You are. Listen." He leaned in a little closer. "I know you think I'm doin' this to punish you--"

"Aren't you?" she snapped.

"No. It's more like... I'm takin' you up on your offer. Of givin' me space when I need it." ...And he actually put his hand over hers.

Ellie's heart even skipped a beat when he did it! Okay, but... "Space... sure. I'm cool with that. It's the breaking up, or whatever... that's the part I don't like. But we're not really. Right? You said it's not... totally?"

His thumb caressed her hand... as if he didn't hate her... "I ain't... abandonin' you. I don't want you to think that. I want you to... use this time..."

"If you're gonna say use it to think about what I did? I already have," she groaned. Oh how she'd fucking hated hearing that back in her school days in Boston! Taking the time to think about how much you fucked up only amounted to miserable time spent lamenting how much the punishment sucked. Which... was perhaps the whole point of the exercise? But it was always framed in such a way that thinking about it would help her grow and bullshit like that -- so infuriating. "I already know it was stupid -- it's the single most -- dumbest thing I've ever --"

"I don't want you to beat yourself up over that, no," he cut off her self-deprecation. "I want you to spend it with other people. Be with your friends. Do things you like to do. I... actually don't want you to think about what you did."

That was so utterly ass-backwards that Ellie almost laughed. "O... kay? So just... pretend I'm a good person while I--"

"You are a good person." He squeezed her hand, and for some reason that made her tear up again. "I think we... both just need to step back. That whole... what happens to one of us thing... there's a line between... supportin' one another, and... just... completely losin' ourselves in one another. ...Do you understand?"

She... really didn't. At all. "Can you just explain the part about how we're broken up but not? I'm still stuck on that."

"Right. That. Well... when you're spendin' time with other people. If you feel like... maybe you wanna kiss one of 'em. You can, because--"

"Why the fuck would I wanna kiss someone who's not you?!" Ellie huffed. "If that's what this is about -- if you think I need to explore my options --"

"I think maybe you should, yes."

She just stared at him. "Are you for real right now? You don't even like the idea of guys being anywhere near me. Now you want me to kiss one?"

"Don't put words in my mouth. That ain't what I said. ...And I didn't say anythin' about it bein' a boy."

Of course! A repeat of the argument from the other day: because maybe Ellie was just confused. "Seriously, Joel? Just because I loved Riley--"

"Girl or boy, all right? Whoever you'd like."

"But you'd prefer it if it was a girl. I know you would." She sighed. "It doesn't matter, Joel. I don't want anyone but you. It doesn't matter how long you're gone... I'm not gonna just... just--"

"I'm jus' sayin'. You have the option. It won't be cheatin'. You don't have to feel guilty. You don't even have to tell me about it. Ever. If you want terms, there's one: you can just keep that to yourself. Whether we stay together in the end or--"

"So that means you can be with other people, too," she interrupted coldly. It made sense that Joel wouldn't want to hear about her being with someone else... but is that the ONLY reason he's establishing this rule? "You can be with whoever you want and not have to tell me about it. Right?"

"Me? I won't--" He paused. "I won't have the opportunity. But in theory, yes, it applies to me, too."

Ellie reeeeeeally hoped he'd been about to say that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else, and then he'd decided to rephrase it because... why? So he won't give me false hope? Even if that wasn't the case, he was probably right: who would he meet if he left town? Some nasty-ass hunter chick? ... ... umm... he COULD, actually... fuck... he could meet some woman that he likes, who's closer to his age... someone who hasn't ever hurt him... and of course the bitch would fall in love with Joel, because he's amazing... Ellie had to shove the disturbing thought aside -- and focus on the part she had control over. "I'm telling you: I won't want to be with anyone else. So if this is a... Clicker thing? A be-cruel-to-be-kind deal? Waste of time. ...And don't you fucking dare tell me I should give Clicker a chance now!"

He smirked. "I hadn't thought about that, but now that you mention it... he's grown a couple inches... voice is changin'..."

Without even thinking about it, she sprang out of her chair and started hitting his arm -- like she often did when he was being super irritating. And he cowered, like he was scared of her... he didn't stop me! She shifted the barrage to his back, keeping the blows lighter than usual (she had certainly hurt him enough today) --

And then somehow she was in his lap -- being crushed against his chest --

"I've got you now," he said triumphantly.

The breaking-free squirming that Ellie did wasn't even half-ass -- hell, not even quarter-ass! -- because she just wanted to revel in the feeling of being smushed between his arms and his chest for as long as possible. This is awesome! MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND! Like he'll realize how much he'll miss playing with me--

He released her far too soon, but she wasn't going to let him push her away. As soon as she regained the use of her arms, she wrapped them around his neck and hugged him as tightly as she could. He didn't exactly hug her back, but his hand started rubbing her back soothingly. She felt a familiar tightening in her chest. Don't cry don't cry don't cry--

"C'mon, kiddo... we're gonna break the chair," he said lightly.

That statement brought her right back to all the times she'd climbed into his lap in that lounge chair on the beach. And the way he said it -- she knew he was thinking the exact same thing. If only I could just go back and do that all over again! She would never have gone to that base -- because fuck Parker -- and he really hadn't needed her help anyway! -- and she would have just kept her mouth shut about the whole thing. Joel said she should have come to him? Well... if she had, and then he had decided something needed to be done, maybe they still would have gotten into some trouble with the soldiers. Or possibly just kicked out of Golden Sands -- yielding the same result as what she'd done. Sending them back to Jackson, kicking off this horrible chain of events. Nope -- I should've just fucking kept it to myself. "I wish we never left California," she sniffled. "We never did break that chair, you know..."

"And this one's sturdier."

"Good! Cuz I'm not moving," she declared. Who knows if I'll ever get to hold him again? Seriously... how could he ever expect her to move when--

"We can sit on the couch if you want," he offered.

"Really?" Hell yes she fucking wanted -- but she didn't dare lift her head.

"Sure. C'mon." He patted her back.

"I'm too scared to let go," she admitted. "In case you're tricking me." ...To get even with me for tricking YOU? ...Yeahhh, this wasn't exactly on the same level as her trickery... and besides, it wasn't Joel's style -- aside from good-natured teasing and messing around, anyway.

When he pried her hands off of him and smoothly slid her off his lap, though, she didn't resist. She just... didn't give him much space to stand up and maneuver around her. She immediately put her arm around his waist... and his fell around her shoulders, just like fucking always... and when he sat on the couch, she fell right into his lap. He hugged her close, kissed the top of her head... it felt so fucking normal that Ellie couldn't help but hope--

"Prob'ly shouldn't be sittin' like this," he mused. "I reckon you're confused enough already. I am, too. It's sure been a whirlwind these past few days, hm?"

"I'm not confused at all." She pulled back to look at him earnestly. "I love you. I will do literally anything to make up for what I--"

"I know, baby girl... I know. I meant I'm confusin' you more by... holdin' you, right before leavin'..."

"You don't have to go," she pleaded. "I swear I'll give you the space--"

"I told you that's nonnegotiable," he reminded her gently. "I just don't wanna go until... 'til you're in a better place, with all this. ...But don't get any ideas about... purposely not tryin' to... I don' know. I guess if it comes down to it, I'll have to just go. But I'd like things to be... good, with us... before I do."

How can things be GOOD when you're fucking LEAVING ME?! she felt like screaming... but she also didn't want to do anything that might make him feel like pushing her off his lap. Whatever anger she felt toward him... well, first of all, it was unjustified, because what she had done was so despicable that she didn't deserve the luxury of being pissed off. She didn't care what Joel had to say about it -- she would berate herself for that, and think about what might have been...

Fuck -- that revelation or whatever at the barn, right before he proposed... when he said he realized how awful it was, what he did to me... would that have happened anyway, if I never chased after him? When she found him... what if he'd been sitting in the jeep like that because he was starting to have second thoughts about leaving? He had kind of hinted that that's why he had dilly-dallied there... Maybe those few hours had been enough to clear his head... or almost enough, and then when she showed up, he reverted to jerk mode because he hadn't quite changed his mind yet. If only she hadn't fucked up the timing of it... hadn't tampered with his natural process...

"Ellie?"

"Sorry. I was just... thinking." She sighed. "How do you know when you're supposed to just let things happen and when you're supposed to do something about what's happening?"

"A question for the ages," was Joel's unhelpful answer.

"It just feels like every time I go the 'do something' route, I fuck things up."

"Well, then, there's your answer," he said dryly. "So you weren't thinkin' so much as... schemin'. Is that it?"

"No." ...only because I can't think of anything that will work?

"Maybe if you have to lie... if your plan involves deception... that's a sign it ain't the best thing to do."

"I've thought about that, you know. But we lie to the whole town. Should we not? Should we just tell them what we're doing?" Surely Joel hadn't changed his mind about things so much that he wanted that!

"No. It's still none of their goddamn business, what we do. ...What we did."

Ugh -- the past tense stuff would kill her if she thought about it for more than a split second. "What we do. Because we're not really broken up."

He sighed. "Maybe a clean break would be better. Less confusin' for--"

"No no no no -- not clean! I'm good with messy, I swear!"

"...I don't think you are."

"It's better than the alternative, okay? So... what we did. Before. Meaning... we may or may not do it again in the future. Not that we... for sure are never going to do it again. It's just a question mark." I need to have some HOPE, for fuck's sake!

"Right. That works."

Whew! Okay -- act cool with that, Ellie... She would keep trying to think of them in present tense, and just... keep the thought to herself. Because Joel seemed pretty fucking set on giving her this bogus opportunity to ~explore her options~. "Okay, so... what am I s'posed to tell people when they ask where you are? Why you left?"

Joel took a few moments to answer. "Tell 'em the truth: that I had some personal shit to take care of... or work out... on my own. They don' need to know details. But, back to the lyin'... that is generally a sign that somethin's wrong. And this... you'n'me..."

Oh hell no -- she wasn't going to let him go there! "We're not wrong. I refuse to believe that! Everything you said... right before you..." For some reason, she didn't want to say the word 'proposed' -- or the phrase 'asked me to marry you.' Maybe since Joel had made it so clear he regretted it and she couldn't bear to see him cringe at the words? "Um... what you said about standing up to Tommy and stuff? We can still--"

"That's a conversation we'll need to have when I come back. If it's... still applicable."

"What do you mean?"

"If we're... if we decide to stay together."

"Of course we will!" she cried. This still sounds more like a break-up than a break!

"I just want you to keep an open mind about that, all right? Your feelin's might change after--"

"They won't! I can tell you right now that they won't!"

He was quiet a few moments. "It is possible to... love someone with your whole heart... and then go on to love someone else. This is only your starter relationship. You're gonna have--"

"No! Just -- stop, okay? I don't wanna talk about that! It's not gonna happen -- you could leave me and never come back, ever, and all those years later, I'd still only love you! That's why time apart is just wasted time, Joel -- seriously. I get that you need it... for yourself... but... just... I don't need it. No matter what happens, I'll never love anyone but you."

"All right," he said in that placating way that meant he didn't believe her but didn't want to keep arguing the point.

"Are you gonna be back for our anniversary?" she blurted.

"Which one... the next one? No, I'm sure I--"

"The next one that you count. The one year one. ...That sounds weird... but yeah -- one year. I won't count anything but the years now, too -- just like you wanted!" Ellie had counted the weeks at first... then just the months, once she'd lost track of the number of weeks... and Joel had humored her, but he said after the six-month one that only years should count, going forward. Although it wasn't like she expected a gift or a big celebration or something each time -- so she had continued to point them out to him anyway, and could usually at least squeeze a tiny bit of extra sappiness or affection out of him that day, if nothing else. Or, like last time, I managed to get him to agree to do an anniversary WEEKEND, which Tommy proceeded to fuck up... she supposed the whole notion of anniversaries was ruined now, too. "You know what? I don't even care about it anymore -- the counting. Whatever you want, Joel -- we can do everything your way. For real this time."

He just gave her a pitying look that made her feel... kind of humiliated, really. "I think you do still care. But I can't promise that I'll be back for that. I won't even know what day it is, for one thing."

"You can take a calendar! Or -- take mine, I'll make another one--"

"You know I won't keep up with that -- markin' the days off. That's your thing."

She swallowed hard. "Does it even... still count? Or does it like... have to start over, if we're apart?"

"I don' know. We'll have to decide that later."

In her head, she tended to go all the way back to when they first met, when she thought of how long they'd been together... but they weren't together-together back then, and besides, she didn't know what date that was. They had met roughly a year before their first kiss. Maybe starting over would be a good thing. A fresh start. No secrets, no lies, no fights, no pain...

Joel squeezed her. "Before... when you said you'd do anythin' to make it up to me..."

"Yeah?" She brightened at this -- she wanted to do something! "Anything!"

"Don't be sad. Don't do shit like... countin' the days I've been gone, or... sit around ruminatin' on what you wish was different..."

I should've known! "That's not a real 'anything,' " she grumbled. And she was going to count the fucking days!

"It is to me." He tilted her chin up and kissed her softly. "And whatever you do... stay out of trouble. Please."

She had thought kissing was off limits! She tried to kiss him some more... but he pushed her back, gently yet firmly, just enough that she couldn't.

"Did you hear what I said, Ellie?"

"Stay out of trouble," she repeated.

"Yes. Will you do that for me?"

"I will if you kiss me again," she promised, giving him a little smile as extra incentive.

He pressed his lips to hers, and she enjoyed the sweetness of the chaste little kiss for a moment before parting her lips, pulling him closer... cupping his jaw with one hand so she could stroke his beard... he loves it when I touch his face... why didn't I do it more often? If only I'd made him HAPPIER every way I could...

He held the back of her head in his palm and deepened the kiss... but pulled back way too soon. Like probably not even ten seconds later. "All right... that was a goodbye kiss," he said, like he had to justify it to himself.

"No, that was a... deal kiss," she corrected him. "We haven't said goodbye yet, so obviously it's not-- I mean, we're not even done talking yet. You can't say goodbye until we're done, so..."

He smiled. "It's dangerous, negotiatin' with you. Good thing we can't have goodbye sex."

"Yes we can!" Is that a thing?!

"Uh... no. The equipment ain't in workin' order."

Oh... right... "Does it still hurt?" she winced.

"Not too bad. But... no sex. We've had enough of it the last few days to--"

"No! Fuck, I hate that our last time was... that time! I practically raped you!"

He chuckled. "No you didn't. I could've stopped you."

"You tried! I didn't listen!"

"I... suggested. Ain't the same thing as--"

"Whatever! Joel, promise me that when you come back -- even if you don't wanna be with me anymore, we'll at least have goodbye sex, okay? That horrible time... can't be our last time. It just fucking can't be!"

He sighed. "I ain't promisin' that. That would be... really shitty of me to--"

"No it wouldn't! It wouldn't! I can't stand it -- I have to know that we're gonna at least have one more time together. Just one more. That's all I ask."

"No. That would do more harm than good. It would prob'ly start the clock all over again. Besides... I would know you're just usin' it to try to change my mind."

She didn't really get the clock thing, but that last part stung. "You make it sound like I don't even love you or something. I don't... use you, like that."

"Maybe not exactly, but we haven't been sleepin' together all that long, and already you've done it on multiple occasions -- you use sex to manipulate, or as a means to an--"

"I don't! I don't do that!" She knew what he meant, but she couldn't -- wouldn't -- admit to that. It felt like he was accusing her of not loving him, not wanting him... it just wasn't true!

He snorted. "I s'pose I shouldn't throw stones."

...the fuck? "What? What do you mean?"

"People in glass houses--"

"I don't mean the expression," she said impatiently. "I mean... when have you ever..."

"Forget the proposal -- back things up to November. When I decided it would be a good idea to have sex with a teenage girl."

Ellie really hated it when he referred to her that way! "With me, you mean. What's wrong with that? I know you enjoyed it, when we... that first time? The first bunch of times?"

"Not sayin' I didn't. But my reasons were... not sound."

"What do you--"

"Never mind. I'm tryin' to say... we've both made mistakes."

What the fuck is he talking about? "Joel... you love me. What other reason would you have--"

"I said forget it. Ain't goin' there." And the words were reinforced by his tone.

Curious though she was, Ellie filed that away for a future conversation -- assuming the break did not become permanent. "Fine -- so we're not perfect. But we love each other... so we just fix the mistakes and go on. Right?" Ohhhh, I'm onto something here-- "Joel, that's sort of your thing. If something goes wrong, you fix it. You don't give up... you don't run away... maybe you used to do that, but you don't anymore. You learned that you can't, with me. You tried to run and you regretted it before you even left--"

"That ain't what this is," he cut in. "It ain't runnin'. It's... takin' a step back, re-evaluatin' what--"

"You promised we wouldn't go backwards! Remember?" she snapped at him.

He looked at her sadly. "I also promised I'd never leave you. Maybe I shouldn't keep on makin' promises I can't keep."

Fuck... okay... it's okay... don't be mad at him for that...

But Ellie couldn't seem to listen to her inner self this time. She wrenched away from him. Stood up and walked away from the couch, even. "Just go already. You're right -- all you fucking do is break promises, so... so I can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth anyways and you should just go." She kept her back toward him. He turned his back on ME already, so fuck him!

He was silent for... longer than necessary, it seemed to Ellie, but eventually she heard him get up. She crossed her arms over her chest and refused to look at him, vowing to jerk away from him if he came up behind her and tried to hug her or something. Unfortunately, he didn't give her the satisfaction. He went into the hall... into the bedroom... and he returned with the guitar slung over his shoulder. "Here... take this to Tommy'n'Maria's. You can show 'em how good you've--"

"No!" She glared at him. "That's a me-and-you thing. I'm not fucking touching that stupid guitar if you're-- --actually, I might go ahead and touch it -- I'll fucking throw it, and break it into a million--"

"All right -- bad idea. You don't gotta break it. Please don't... don't do that. It'll just be in the closet for you if you change your mind. Music can be... sometimes it's helpful, if you're feelin' sad, or... whatever you might be feelin'. And playin' it yourself... or singin'... it can be even better than just listenin' to it." He disappeared into the bedroom again.

Ellie wanted to march right in there, grab that guitar, and smash it right over his fucking head. But that thought immediately filled her with shame; no matter how angry Joel got with her, she was sure he never even thought about hurting her like that. -Physically. Clearly, he had no problem hurting her in every other way. He's probably expecting me to go and yell at him some more or something... or maybe do the opposite, and apologize my ass off... beg him not to go... I WOULD, if I thought it would do me any good! She'd tried all that shit already, and the only thing that had actually worked was the Big Lie.

He was definitely being nicer now than he'd been the other day -- even though she deserved the kindness way less now than she did then -- but she knew he meant business. The cuddles and kisses, the tears... none of it mattered to him. None of it had touched his soul enough to make him stay.

Well, since he obviously doesn't care about what I want, I'm not going to give him what HE wants! He wanted to feel like she was cool with all of this. That she understood. His last memory of her wouldn't be all nice and sweet... she wouldn't smile and wish him well and cheerfully wave goodbye while he casually strolled right out of her life. She plopped back down on the couch -- the far end this time, curling her legs under her and twisting herself to face the wall to the left... which would never have a back door installed in it now, she supposed. And there's never gonna be a little spiral staircase here that he builds when we convert our house to two stories to make room for all the fucking KIDS we're gonna have... oh how fun it had been, dreaming up crazy shit like that with him after she complained she didn't want to move -- so he'd started thinking up alternatives... well, it was fun when I could convince myself the basis for it was REAL... or that we were just playing a GAME where we were both in on the joke...

Poor Joel. There were other times he'd tried to engage her in discussions like that -- either in a serious what-should-we-do manner or in more of a wacky, just-for-fun way -- and she'd just shut him down completely. Was that actually just yesterday? Fuck...

If only she could have kept her stupid fucking mouth shut today! Ugh -- why couldn't I just suck it up and live with the guilt? It was such a good plan (er... it was shitty, but 'good' as in effective). It was WORKING. We would have gotten MARRIED. How could living with a little guilt be any worse than NOT having Joel in my life at all?!

What the fuck was I thinking?

...and how can I be thinking that now when like, an hour ago, I asked myself that same question about the OPPOSITE of this?

Maybe that just meant she was fucked either way?

Joel seemed to take forever in the bedroom, and she couldn't imagine what he was doing in there for so long. (Well, she could... but she knew for sure it wasn't that.) She wasn't going to rush him out of her life, though. Even if she was being kind of a pissy brat right now.

When she heard his footsteps, she made sure she looked as nonchalant as possible, plucking at some non-existent thread on the knee patch of her jeans. She didn't have to look at him to know he was looking at her -- intensely. She could always feel it when he did that.

When he was done staring at her, he cleared his throat. "I'm gonna... go pick up a few things... see if Maria needs anything... why don't you come with--"

"I'm gonna stay here for now," she replied coolly; the last thing she wanted was to lose it in front of an audience somewhere. Even if it was just Maria. "But you don't have to worry about Maria. I'll make sure that she and your sick nephew are okay." Ellie had to applaud herself for saying that totally normal-like when in her head, she was emphasizing the sick nephew part and sounding way more guilt-trippy.

"I'm gonna go find Tommy," he said by way of excuse (...that was how she took it, anyway). "He should be with them now."

A painfully awkward silence followed.

Joel cleared his throat again, for some reason. "All right. Well... ... ... ...Take care."

"You too," she replied with a forced politeness usually reserved for casual acquaintances. She didn't look at him, though. Didn't smile.

He waited by the door for a few moments... to see if she would come running over and beg him not to leave? Maybe trying to think of some poignant final words that would suddenly make it all OKAY?

She did neither. She just sat there woodenly, not even bothering to pluck at her jeans anymore.

It wasn't until he'd started to close the door behind him that she came to her senses -- HE'S LEAVING AND I MAY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN -- "Joel! Wait!" she cried as she sprang to her feet.

But he'd already closed the door -- already left --

The door opened; he had heard her!

It was the ultimate cheesy 'movie moment' -- Ellie flew to the door and jumped on him, basically... literally leaped into his arms, wrapping all her limbs around him and making him stagger backwards a little. But he didn't fall... he held her tight, cradling her head on his shoulder... and somehow he managed to kick the door shut behind him, shutting out the world once again. And for the first time in ages, he squeezed her 'as hard as he could' (or as hard as he would) without her even asking him to -- up to the point where she wheezed, then easing up just enough for her to breathe. He did it three times before setting her down, prying her legs off him so she could stand.

She wasn't sobbing... but she wasn't holding back the tears streaming down her face, either. When she finally looked at him, she was surprised to see that his eyes were all shiny and red, too. She cupped his face in her hands. "Be careful out there, okay?" she squeaked. "Pretend I'm with you, if it makes you be more fucking careful."

"I will," he whispered. He pulled her in for a kiss... a chaste one this time, but it was soft and sweet (...and a little salty). He wiped her tears away and looked at her... adoringly. Somehow, he still fucking adored her, after everything she'd done. "I will come back. Don't worry."

Ellie just nodded dumbly... and tried to smile, although she wasn't certain her mouth muscles were working properly at the moment. He let go of her and opened the door. Turned and walked through it while she watched from the doorway. She hadn't planned on watching him go, but now she couldn't look away. I didn't tell him I love him one last time!

...But he knows. He's known it since way before I ever said the words.

She leaned against the door frame and watched Joel grow smaller and smaller. She waited for him to look back... maybe wave to her, or blow her a kiss or something... but he didn't. He never once looked behind him.

She watched until she lost sight of him in the trees... and for a long time after. Watching didn't make him reappear. Didn't make him change his mind. Didn't even make him come back after simply realizing he'd forgotten something in the house.

But Ellie kept watching anyway; she didn't know what else to do.

~Continue to Chapter 43~

"Singularity" Chapter 41: "Terms of Endearment" Part 1 [41/49]

2022-08-31T12:54:34Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 41: "Terms of Endearment" Part 1 [41/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,264
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title for this 2-parter is from the 1983 movie of the same name

~

Ellie just wanted to scream at him "STOOOOOOOOOP -- YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" during that whole... adorably rambly, incredibly sweet proposal. But of course, Joel wasn't the one ruining everything -- she was doing that herself. She'd ruined the whole concept of pregnancy for them, and now she was ruining marriage as well.

The funny thing was... she'd gotten exactly what she wanted. Her Big Lie had awoken Joel's heart after he'd put it to sleep (or perhaps it was more appropriate to say he'd knocked it unconscious), and now he was even making the ultimate commitment to her. He'd even reassured her that it didn't matter what happened with the baby -- meaning, if she lost it, he was still committed to her and wanted a future with her. And the proposal was all the more endearing because he was so obviously nervous... why the fuck should he be nervous? Was he afraid she wouldn't she say yes? She loved him with her entire heart and soul -- surely he knew that!

But...

Fuck.

She just couldn't say yes.

It wasn't his fault she had to turn him down. There was nothing more he could have done, and he didn't even have to say half of what he said to win her over -- he didn't have to say anything at all, for fuck's sake! She wanted to say yes so fucking badly. Joel deserved a yes. He definitely did not deserve what she was doing to him.

There were times scattered over the past couple of days when Ellie had felt happy. When she was able to focus on the here and now instead of fretting about the challenges ahead... but most especially when she managed to convince herself that her lie was the truth, and the game didn't even feel like a game. It MIGHT be true, she would reason. He might have gotten me pregnant that last time! She would know in a week or so -- probably less -- when her period either did or did not arrive.

Except... not arriving would not be definitive proof, because there were times she was just naturally late for whatever reason, so it could take even longer. And the more time passed, the tighter the grip her deception held on her heart. That grip seemed to get stronger by the hour... maybe even the minute! In those moments when she was hyper-aware of the reality of what she had done and the horror of what she had yet to do, it squeezed and squeezed until Ellie could barely breathe (...okay, maybe it was her lungs the wretched thing had a grip on, more so than her heart), and she couldn't fathom enduring another day of this torture, let alone a week or more.

And then Joel... fucking proposing?! It was just too much. It was supposed to be the happiest moment of her life, but she couldn't even enjoy it at all. Every fiber of her being started screaming "no!" when she wanted nothing more than to sing "yes yes YESSSS" -- and she hadn't even been thinking about marriage when she'd concocted this scheme! It probably should have occurred to her... but even if it had, she likely would have just dismissively imagined herself saying yes and considered it a bonus. No brainer, right? Pfffffft. If she had had any idea what it was going to feel like to betray Joel to this degree--

I should have known that, too... because she'd had a taste of it in Monterey, when she'd snuck out to the base. It had felt absolutely horrible, deceiving him. Much worse than she'd expected it to. Joel had been completely innocent that time... this time? not so much, due to him leaving her and all... but THIS lie is so much BIGGER... ugh, why am I so stupid? Why don't I just learn my lesson the first fucking time?! -And Joel says I'm a fast learner!

Just... seeing Joel run himself through the gamut of emotions that impending fatherhood had evoked in him, both good and bad... it had broken her. When he tried to put words to them... but especially when he didn't -- when she could tell he was trying to protect her from his fears. To put on a brave front for her, the way he always did. She wanted to tell him not to bother -- don't DO that to yourself -- but of course, she'd had to play along...

Now she had to make herself confess, and end this charade. Forget about ruining the happy prospects of pregnancy and marriage: she had ruined everything. Being with Joel should never feel like torture. She should never feel like she wanted to be away from him... him and his sweet, trusting, doting nature... she almost wished he would be a-- no, she did wish he would be a dick again! Because at least then they would be equals. Two assholes in a fucked-up relationship -- they would each deserve the other.

But no -- he has to go and be NICE. Nice, and surprisingly HAPPY about the baby, and looking forward to a future that's nothing but smoke and mirrors, as they say... all lies. How could I do this to him? What was I thinking?

"What do you mean you can't do this to me?" Joel asked, as if uncannily reading her mind... although she had voiced that one out loud. Probably just moments ago, if time still continued to pass the way it always did and had not, in fact, been slowed down to an agonizing crawl by the immeasurable dread in her stomach. His voice was all gentle and concerned, despite the fact that she'd just wrecked his plans again (with just one little word this time) and stomped all over his heart. He was sitting beside her now, in the passenger seat, as her 'no' had released him from his down-on-one-knee position -- a romantic gesture that Ellie had thought only happened in movies.

She was sitting there behind the wheel, facing forward instead of sideways now. Entertaining a little fantasy of driving out of that barn... into some fairytale sunset where she could just not open her mouth to speak ever again and thus, keep Joel by her side ~forever~. But I can't... I have to tell him... she took a deep breath. Exhaled it slowly. ...And still couldn't seem to make herself do it.

"What is it you think you're doin' to me? Hm?" He reached over and squeezed her shoulder soothingly.

"Stop being so nice to me," she grumbled. "You keep saying you don't deserve me... but I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. And I can't stand it -- that you don't know that -- so I... I have to tell you why. Even if it makes you hate me."

"I could never--"

"Don't say that -- I haven't told you what it is!" she cried.

"Don' matter. There's nothin' you can tell me that would make me hate you... or even jus' stop lovin' you. I promise."

She chuckled bitterly. "You think that only because I haven't told you... this." Quit stalling, Ellie, just... man up and fucking TELL HIM. She forced herself to look at him. Because she deserved to watch the love melt right off of his face. "You know how I... don't always think things through, before I do them? And sometimes... I end up doing really stupid things? I know I told you I was done with that -- ha -- but... I guess I'm not, cuz that's what I did. And I got exactly what I wanted -- even more than I wanted -- but the way I got it was just so... awful... that it sucked all the goodness out of it and I can't feel happy about getting it..."

"You ain't makin' a whole lot of sense here, kiddo. What is this... stupid thing that you think you did? Maybe it ain't as bad as you think."

His not-knowing... his innocence... it fucking killed her. "No, it's bad," she whispered. Fuck... MORE tears?

"Here. Come sit with--"

"No!" She jerked away from him when he tried to pull her closer. "Joel... I'm a ginormous piece of shit. I... don't deserve... to have you be all fucking sweet to me..."

"The hormones are makin' you extra emotional," he reasoned. "But don't put yourself down like that. You're--"

"It's not hormones!" she groaned. He blames EVERYthing on those! (Granted, she was normally quite content to let him blame the fucking hormones.)

"Then what--"

"The whole thing is a lie," she blurted finally. Simple and succinct. "I made it up."

"What whole thing?"

...He still doesn't get it! Had he already forgotten he'd been immediately suspicious of her when she'd first told him she was pregnant?!

Fuck, he's in denial or something... I'm gonna have to actually SAY it... And, coward that she was, she ducked her head so she wouldn't have to see the look on his face after all. She stared at the middle of the steering wheel right in front of her instead. "The baby. There isn't one. There never was one. I'm not pregnant." She paused, to let that sink in and give him a chance to react, but she wasn't surprised when he remained silent. "I mean... as far as I know, I'm not. I was hoping that... it would happen anyway, you know? So I wouldn't have to lie. But every time you're nice to me... I couldn't stand it. I didn't know it would feel like this. So... shitty. But you were gonna leave, and nothing I could say was gonna change your mind, and I remembered you saying... before... that if I ever got pregnant, you wouldn't leave me, so... I just decided..."

Still dead silence from the passenger seat.

"I'm really sorry, Joel. ...Really sorry," she added lamely. "I know that doesn't even begin to... um... make a difference or anything... just..."

She sneaked a glance at him; he wasn't looking at her, so it was safe for the moment. He was staring straight ahead of him, his expression impassive, from what she could see. Processing her confession... no longer in denial... Yep, he hates me now. She involuntarily held her breath as she waited for some kind of acknowledgment from him.

He didn't look at her when he finally spoke, either. "So you... what, just... figured I'd never notice?" His voice was quiet... slow... and devoid of emotion.

"No... I just figured I'd... 'lose the baby' when I got my period, and then..." God, it sounds even shittier when I say it out loud! "I thought you might still stay with me, if I acted sad and everything, you know, like... I dunno. Or I thought maybe if there was enough time for you to be good with us being together again, to like... un-brainwash you... you wouldn't just... Oh! And I thought you'd be relieved, cuz you didn't want the baby anyway, so it would be like... no big deal? But then you were acting like you did want it--"

"You thought it would be... no big deal," he repeated, the words laden with unnatural coldness. "No. Big. Deal. To... lose a child?" He looked at her then... so incredulous was he that she could actually be this much of an idiot that he had to see for himself, she supposed.

She felt the heat rushing to her face. "But it's not a child yet -- not even a baby," she explained, hating how defensive she sounded. "And you said they're not even any fun until they're a few months old... like you don't even care about being with Grayson cuz he's so little and stuff. Er... I mean... not that you don't care about him, or anything, just..." WHY does everything sound so much WORSE after I say it out loud?

"So you thought I would be happy. That you 'lost the baby.' "

"Only like right after I told you I was pregnant -- not after we talked about it more... and then you actually seemed happy about it! About having the baby, I mean. I wasn't expecting that -- you always said you didn't want kids and stuff, you know? So then I was really really really hoping I'd get pregnant and everything would work out the way it--"

"And then you'd never have to tell me the truth. Sure. Of course that's what you wanted."

There was that maddening calm again... only it was different now... it's like MAD calm? Cuz he's PISSED... but he's not yelling... she almost wanted him to yell at her. Crazy as that sounded. Like... then she wouldn't have to hear the bad emotions creeping into his tone. The hurt, the disappointment... they'd be background noise because the anger would take over, and that was just easier to absorb, somehow...

He snorted. "No wonder you wanted to fuck all the time. Once again, it had nothin' to do with me."

OH GOD-- "That's not true! It was nothing like that! I really--"

"Oh no? Nothin' like it? Were you or were you not only wantin' to have sex -- I beg your pardon, to fuck -- as a means to an end?"

She hated that he kept referring to it as fucking! It was so unlike him... it made the whole thing sound nastier. And just now, he'd gone out of his way to make it clear that that was the most appropriate word. "No -- I love you!" she blubbered.

"Tch. You... musta been laughin' your ass off when I told you my theory about all that. I was way off base."

"No! You were right! I wasn't--"

"Stop. Just... stop. I don't wanna hear it."

"But you have to know that I--"

"I don't know... anything... right now," he said, his stifled anger so quiet and cold it sent a shiver up her spine... and then he suddenly slammed the dashboard with so much force Ellie nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Joel--" She instinctively reached for him, but of course he flinched -- her touch would be no comfort to him now.

"Don't," he warned her, fixing her with something strongly resembling a deathglare. "Stay in the car. For once in your life just do what I ask you to."

She nodded dumbly... and didn't even bother reminding him that she did listen to him more often than not. He slid out of his seat, and she hiked her knees up to curl herself into a ball the second he left her sight. She had to turn sideways again to achieve this, thanks to the steering wheel. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks, but for some reason, they didn't evolve into full-fledged sobs. If ever there was a time to sob, surely this would be it. But she just... sat there, hugging her knees as tightly as she wanted to be hugging Joel right now.

She heard some loud noises coming from the other end of the barn; obviously, Joel was working through some rage that he hadn't expressed while sitting in the jeep. He couldn't hit her, so... fuck, I almost wish that he WOULD! Because she deserved it, yes, but also because he would certainly feel bad about it afterward, and be all apologetic and remorseful, and like... beg her to forgive him -- which she would, of course, because then he'd have to forgive her, too.

Why can't it just be that easy?!

...Because I'm a horrible, wretched person. Even now, when I'm trying to do the right thing -- I'm a total dick because for my own selfish reasons, I just wished for Joel to do something that would make him feel awful.

That wasn't exactly fair, though, that last thing he said... it's not like I NEVER do what he wants! This was... an extreme situation... he'll realize that, right? Oh God, what if he really does hate me? Or if he thinks I don't actually LOVE him or something... with the sex stuff... he won't believe anything I say, ever again! FUUUUUCK why did I have to ruin everything?! Maybe if she had even just... faked it a little better, during the sex. He was going to replay it in his head, and remember how she didn't even want him to touch her... he's gonna think I was just in it for the jizz. Why WOULDN'T he? Because yeah -- I pretty much WAS. The second it was over, I felt super guilty and didn't even let him hold me... well, except when we were in bed, cuz... that would've been REALLY weird, if I didn't... but even then, she knew she hadn't been acting like herself.

The guilt had just been eating her up... she couldn't even enjoy something as basic and wonderful as feeling Joel's arms around her. She had found herself wanting to get away from him, drawing out private 'nature breaks' and 'puking sessions' as long as she could. Sometimes she would cry... other times she would just sit there and zone out, as that practice was the only true reprieve from her own shittiness. From having to pretend. Joel had noticed how she was distancing herself, and he called her on it -- which he really only did if he sensed there was something majorly wrong that needed addressing. But he wasn't expecting something as bad as THIS...

Oh God, pleeeease let him be getting ALL of the anger out of his system right now, and I'll be super good and do whatever he says and I'll MAKE LOVE to him instead of fucking and -- just -- GOD, that horrible last time CANNOT be the last time we have sex! She had heard of bad sex, of course. Understood the concept. She thought the term was reserved for... well, just about anyone else -- not her and Joel! They loved each other, so it could never be bad. Joel had drummed that notion into her head in the beginning of their relationship, when she had kind of stressed out about not doing things right. But this last time... neither one of them had enjoyed it, and now they were both sore...

Shit -- even if Joel does forgive me when he comes back here, I can't PROVE how much I love him, physically, cuz he said he's too, like... I BROKE HIS DICK, basically... she did wonder if he was exaggerating about that in order to give himself a break, because she'd been so pushy and insistent and not taking no for an answer.

But maybe it was just as well. Would she really be able to prove anything, that way?

She thought back to their first time... how tender and sweet Joel had been. How he had vowed to kiss all her freckles plus all the spaces in between. He had made her feel so special, so cherished... she had never done that for him. Not the freckles -- he didn't really have any to speak of -- but she could still kiss every inch of his body, couldn't she? He's said he likes kissing my skin because I'm soft and smooth, and he's... NOT... but so what? I love every inch of him and there's nothing about him that's GROSS or whatever. It would feel good for him, to be kissed like that, I'm sure... even if I have to handcuff him to do it...

Except the handcuffs were probably also relegated to the pile of Things That Are Now Ruined. At least that one wasn't her fault (er, except for not locking the fucking door?!)(...and being so loud...)(...okay so it was her fault) -- and she would gladly never use them again if that somehow un-ruined the other things. Seriously, though -- I would trade ALL of it for Joel to still love me, and forgive me, and just go back to the way things were. No marriage, no baby -- just us being together. Loving each other. Simple and PURE. I don't care what Joel says -- we ARE pure in the way we love each other. It's just so fucking REAL.

Or, it had been, before... she had stained that purity, these past couple of days. Defiled it with her deception.

As wretched as she felt at the moment, though, there was something inside of her that felt... better. Like... even satisfied. She hadn't realized how heavy a burden the lies would be. Lies, plural, because there couldn't be just the one. It wasn't like she could say it one time and be done with it. There was the repetition of it, but also the fact that the first one had spawned another, then another, and they just kept multiplying. She had probably lied to Joel a hundred times in the past forty-eight hours.

But... we lie to the town every day, don't we? Why doesn't THAT feel like this? Ellie felt very little guilt over that one. Probably because she understood why it had to be done -- there was nothing sinister about it -- and, perhaps most importantly, Joel was in on it with her. "You'n'me against the world"... GOD, I hope he meant that...

No, he didn't. That was when he thought we were going to be a FAMILY.

He did seem to have proposed as a means of making Ellie feel more secure... so she would know it wasn't just about the baby. Like he didn't even need to wait and see if she lost it or not before deciding he wanted to marry her. He'd had that like... epiphany about why she was constantly harassing him for sex -- rough sex, at that -- where he was so sure he had it all figured out, and every sweet word was just another stab in Ellie's heart. Because the real reason never would have occurred to him! Basically, he had proposed because he didn't want her to have to worry about losing both of them.

And now I HAVE...

She realized it had gotten quiet in the barn. She listened hard for a few moments... nothing. Slowly, she lifted her head... like she didn't want Joel to catch her looking... or like he was going to jump out at her from somewhere and make her yelp in surprise (how awesome would that be right now?!)... which, of course, he wouldn't. He wouldn't be playing with her like that any time soon. If ever. She scanned the entire place and didn't see him. He was either hiding from her, or he had gone outside. ...Gone and left her.

No, he's not GONE-gone... he wouldn't do that. Not Outside, at least. And not like this, when he knew she was sitting there, waiting for him. When he'd specifically told her to stay put. I deserve it if he does, she tried to tell herself... because wouldn't that make it easier to bear, knowing she'd brought it on herself and therefore had to suffer the consequences of her own stupidity? She'd never really had to pay for any of her mistakes with Joel. With other people -- like back in Boston -- sure. But not with Joel. He'd proven to be the exception to every rule... until now, maybe...

He would probably leave her now -- again. Maybe not right this second, but that's what he was probably planning to do. Her little trick would only serve to sour his memories of her. She had ruined the good ones for him. Made it less likely that he would ever want to come back, too. If she had just let him go off and do his thing the first time, maybe he wouldn't have stayed gone very long, but now... I deserve it... whatever he does, I deserve it...

She ruminated for what felt like a long time... and when Joel finally came back, she was calm. She had moved to the passenger seat to save him the trouble of asking her to scooch over, but she needn't have bothered; he was beckoning her to come to the front of the barn, where they'd dumped their stuff earlier... a long time ago, before he hated me...

"C'mon," he said. "We're walkin' the rest of the way."

..."We"? Ellie hardly dared to hope that that actually meant something. She was too afraid to ask. Too afraid to say or do anything that might upset him. She just took her share of the stuff and started walking with him -- a little bit behind him, actually, because he was walking fast enough that she couldn't keep up without jogging here and there to close the gap. She assumed his Outside brain was at least somewhat engaged right now and he wouldn't want to discuss anything along the way... which was not unusual, but the silence and the distance he kept between them felt decidedly hostile this time. He didn't even glance back at her -- not even once. Ellie tried to use the time to strategize... to come up with some way to make him not hate her... but it was hard for her to move past thoughts of the "what is he thinking right now?" variety -- even though she knew he probably wasn't doing any hardcore thinking at the moment. She just wanted to talk to him, and he was doing his best to make that impossible. She didn't complain. Didn't say a word...

...until the perimeter wall came into view, and she just had to know what the fuck he was planning on doing. "Joel... wait a sec... please? Can you tell me what we're doing? Please," she repeated. Lest she sound demanding or something. She reeeeally didn't want to offend him right now!

At least he stopped walking to address her question. "You're goin' back to Tommy's. I know you said he hates you, but I highly doubt that. I suggest you be nice'n'sweet, like I know you can be, and he'll get over it. If you really don't wanna stay there, you all can work that out amongst yourselves. But I think that's the best place for you right now."

Fuck a duck! This did not sound good at all. Still, there was hope... "What about you? Are you going to... your house?" Guess I can't call it OURS anymore...

"No. I ain't stayin'. Just pickin' up a few things, maybe talk to my brother a little."

Fuck -- he IS planning on leaving again! One of her worst fears was confirmed. He was looking at her now, so she focused her gaze on the ground. She had wanted to talk to him, and now she was talking to him, and yet... all she could do was stare at this little rock by her toe like it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen. I don't even know what to say. Everything I wanna say will come out wrong, or make things worse... fuck, is he waiting for me to say something?

Too many moments had passed for a simple "Okay" to sound normal. Should I just start walking? Why is he just standing there?

"Ellie."

Fuckfuckfuck... She glanced up. Just a quick glance to acknowledge him; she didn't dare look him in the eye.

"I don't really know what to tell you right now," he said slowly. "I just need some time. Please don't try to follow me."

She kept her eyes downcast. "I won't, I promise. I know you hate me now, so..." Ugh, why did I say that?! He's gonna think I'm trying to make him say he DOESN'T hate me... and then if he doesn't say that, it's like legit confirmation that he--

"I don't hate you," he replied, putting one of her other fears to rest. "I hate what you did... but like I've told you before, I could never hate you."

She shuffled her feet a little. "Okay... so... you don't hate me, but you don't love me anymore." She nearly choked on those last few words. "Right?"

"Wrong. Of course I love you. No matter what you do... I still love you."

There was no love coming through in his voice when he said it... but why would he lie right now? He MUST mean it... Maybe he wasn't in love with her anymore. Like how he loved Tommy even when he was mad at him -- maybe that was the way he loved her now. Still, love is love... I think? "Then why are you leaving?" she whispered, looking up at him tearfully.

"Because... I just need time."

"Time for what? Like... to think and stuff? I'll leave you alone if you want, I swear." And she meant it! She was just happy to know that he miraculously still loved her. "You don't have to leave."

"...Yes I do. It won't be forever. Might not even be that long."

That sounded more promising! "So you're... not breaking up with me?"

He hesitated.

FUCK! "You are," she corrected herself. "I ruined everything. You don't wanna be with me anymore."

"I didn't say that. I just need time. ...I think you do, too."

"What... time away from you? I will never need that!" Stolen moments of solitude aside (that was different). Ellie knew time apart wouldn't help anything. It would only drive them farther apart!

"You might not see it this way, but it might be what's best for you. I guess this would be what they call... takin' a break."

She was afraid to ask, but... "What does that mean? I'm confused. Are we broken up, or not?" She tried to keep her tone as level as his. Tried not to sound too pathetic and desperate. Not breaking up was probably too much to hope for at this point...

"It means... we are, an' we ain't."

This did not un-confuse her one bit.

"I know that don't help much," he chuckled (he actually CHUCKLED!). "I'm sorry. I've never actually done it before... there's s'posed to be rules, an' whatnot..."

Usually Ellie liked it when Joel told her he'd never done something before, but this definitely wasn't one of his firsts that she wanted any part of. He laughed a little bit just now, though. And he's not all pissed off like he was before. Maybe if I play this right... she would agree to any terms he set forth this time! "Okay. Tell me the rules. I'll do whatever you want," she vowed solemnly.

He frowned. "We prob'ly should talk a little more. Let's go Inside, dump all our shit, an' have a proper conversation." He started walking again before she could reply.

She hurried to catch up to him. "What if Tommy won't let us talk alone?" she fretted.

"Tommy can kiss my ass," he growled.

Which... didn't exactly answer the question. "Okay... but he might try to--"

"I'm bringin' you back -- he's gettin' what he wants. He should be happy enough about that to give us a few minutes."

I need more than a few minutes! "Can we go to our house?" she suggested. "Er... your house?"

"It's still yours, too. Maybe you can live there instead of--"

"No -- I don't wanna stay there without you." Ellie already knew that would be depressing as fuck.

"Good. You're prob'ly better off bein' with Tommy an' Maria anyhow, at least for a while," he said.

"Not better off than I would be with you," she couldn't help clarifying.

"Don' know about that, but I meant better off than bein' by yourself. It don't suit you."

"Well, it doesn't suit me to be apart from you, either."

He sighed. "Ellie--"

"I know -- sorry. I'll shut up now." She even let herself fall a little behind again, to lessen the temptation to keep talking to him.

What she really needed to do instead of annoy him with her blathering was to fucking think. If she could persuade him to go to their house... sit on that lumpy old couch where they'd spent so many hours together -- even before they were a couple. Just hanging out together. The bed was probably not the best idea, since there was now a bad memory associated with it (the last time they'd used it, Tommy had walked in), plus it wasn't like they could have sex with his dick being like... injured?... plus plus she didn't want Joel to think she was just trying to get him alone to seduce him or something.

Not that she'd be above doing that. I've already stooped WAY lower than THAT, obviously, so why the fuck not? But... no, she could imagine that backfiring on her here. Big time. Deceiving Joel, or manipulating him... that was a really shitty way to go about getting what she wanted. Hadn't she just learned that it didn't even work, because as it turned out, she failed at being a completely shitty person who could actually execute the evil plan in its entirety? I'm just going to stick to the plan of doing whatever he tells me to do, and give him no reason to stop loving me. She still couldn't quite believe that he loved her at all, after what she'd done. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in for him yet, and when he's away, he'll realize he really does hate me? Oh God I hope that's not true... that was the problem with words -- just because they were true one minute did not guarantee they would remain true the next. Or, rather, the sentiment behind the words. ...And Joel gets it... that's why he asked me to marry him... GOD I hope he meant it when he said nothing I do can change his feelings--

That was the confusing part. Because clearly, her confession had changed everything. Changed the course of their relationship and made him not want to be around her. How can he say he still loves me if he doesn't want to BE with me?

Just before they reached the west gate, Ellie did risk annoying him by grabbing his arm. "Wait... what about the scanner?" she hissed.

"Won't be a problem. The damn thing's still MIA. No one knows what happened to it."

"Oh yeah, I forgot!" She smiled a little. "You never did tell me what--"

"I said no one knows what happened to it. What makes you think I know?" Totally nonchalant, he was.

"Gee, I dunno... the fact that it happened right after we came back? Right after your first guard shift!" Actually, it was his second, as she recalled, but she kept that to herself. Will he at least correct me on that part, even if he doesn't tell me what he did?

He made another little "tch" noise and then waved up to whoever was manning the gate. ...Or womanning, as it turned out. Ellie wasn't sure she'd ever seen two chicks on the same shift at the same gate like this before.

"Are you two okay?" the one named Billie called down to them. Ellie randomly remembered that she'd been at dinner that first night she and Joel had arrived in town... a million years ago now, yet somehow just barely over one year. Things were so good back then. Ellie had been so good, herself... so much more worthy of Joel than she was now. If I could just do it all over...

"We're fine, thank you," Joel answered politely.

"Everyone's been so worried about you, Ellie!" added the other guard, a middle-aged woman named Ashley. She was an Idaho person, so Ellie didn't know much more about her than that.

"I'm... fine, thanks?" she echoed Joel. The gates started slowly creaking open. She doesn't even know me... maybe that's why she said 'everyone' instead of 'I' or 'we'?

"One of us is supposed to take you to see Maria," Billie told them. "Although she's not answering at the moment. Just Ellie... she didn't say anything about you, Joel, but--"

"That won't be necessary," Joel cut her off. "I'll take Ellie over there myself."

"Uh... I can find my own way, you guys," Ellie grumbled. Not that she didn't want Joel to take her, just... they made it sound like she was a little kid in need of an escort.

Ashley smirked down at her. "Oh honey now I don't know about that! We heard all about what you pulled that day you... escaped. Haha!"

Shit! "You did?" Hopefully they hadn't heard everything... and now Joel was quirking an eyebrow at her curiously, too.

"Uh-huhhh," Ashley replied knowingly -- making Ellie wonder what the fuck she knew. "You're a little troublemaker, you are. Gotta keep an eye on you."

"Glad you found what you were looking for, though!" Billie chirped.

They passed through the gates -- with no threat of being scanned, just as Joel had 'predicted' -- and headed toward Tommy and Maria's house at the center of town. Ellie couldn't help remembering the last time they'd done this exact same thing... how different her mood had been. How it hadn't felt at all like she was marching to her doom like she was now. Is Joel remembering it, too? GOD this sucks... She certainly didn't want to see or talk to anyone right now, so unlike that last homecoming walk to the house, she kept her gaze firmly on the ground. She didn't even watch where she was going. Just blindly followed Joel.

"We could just go home first," she suggested.

He didn't answer, and even though she wasn't paying much attention to where they were, Ellie could tell they weren't going in that direction; they would have veered left by now.

No one tried to stop them or talk to them, and she couldn't help wondering if Joel was doling out "stay away" looks or if maybe they were both just... giving off major "stay away" vibes. Even without interruptions, the silent trek seemed to take twice as long as it should have. Ellie was torn between never wanting to reach their destination and wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.

When they finally got there, Joel told her to just do her special little knock that she liked to do rather than make Maria come answer the door, if Tommy wasn't there -- and Ellie was thinking he probably wasn't, or he would have come and collected her personally. Although surely, someone could have called him... they hadn't even mentioned him, at the gate... guess we'll find out soon enough! Oh please don't be home and please let Maria be cool...

Ellie was pretty sure Maria didn't hear the knock, because the first thing Ellie heard when she opened the door was Grayson wailing from upstairs. She gave Joel a "what do we do now?" look.

"Hello!" Joel bellowed. "Anyone home? Besides the little guy... obviously..."

It hadn't occurred to her that even Maria might not be here. "Shit... they wouldn't leave him here alone, would they? In the middle of the day? I don't even think Sylvia would have left her munchkins in the--"

"Joel -- Ellie!" Maria came out of Grayson's room, the screaming baby cradled against her shoulder, and Ellie breathed a sigh of relief -- as did Maria when she looked at the two of them. "Hang on..."

Ellie hovered near the bottom of the staircase awkwardly. She didn't put any of her stuff down because Joel hadn't done so -- which she hoped meant he did indeed want to go to their house. Plus, Joel was staying close to the front door, so...

Maria reappeared without the baby, shutting his bedroom door behind her and effectively muffling his cries. "Been trying to get him to go down for his nap for a while now, but as you can see..."

"Want me to try?" Ellie offered without thinking. ....Fuck -- the LAST thing I want is to hold a BABY right now!

But thankfully, Maria waved that off. "He'll be all right for a minute. He's been a little sick," she explained. "Nothing serious. Just running a little bit of a fever."

"Oh shit... are you sure he's okay?" Ellie couldn't tell if Maria was downplaying it for their benefit or not. "Did you take him to the clinic?"

Maria joined Ellie in her awkward hovering near the bottom of the staircase -- and Ellie noticed that she'd made no move to hug her. "Yes, and yes. Got some baby aspirin. Hopefully it does the trick. ...You guys can take a load off... literally..."

"We ain't stayin'," Joel told her. "Just wanted to... check in, for a minute. Ellie will be comin' back, though."

Much to her chagrin, Ellie felt a blush creeping over her face. She stared at her shoes. "If I'm still welcome here," she added to Joel's presumptuous announcement sheepishly.

"Why wouldn't you be?" Maria replied, with much more kindness than Ellie deserved.

Oh, I dunno... cuz I screamed at you that your husband saw me naked when he didn't even, and I tried to make him sound like a total perv? Because I told you I hated you both and I was never coming back? ...Because I even kinda trashed your house a little? She might have voiced those thoughts if Joel wasn't standing right there, but she was too embarrassed to admit to any of that in front of him.

Joel moved a little closer to them. "Whatever went on here that day is my fault," he gallantly claimed, because apparently, break or no break, that was still his thing. "I shouldn't've left the way I did... and I'm sorry about that."

Ellie waited for Maria to jump in and say no, it was all their fault, especially Tommy... but she didn't. Where IS Tommy? "Tommy's not home? I thought I heard a walkie talkie... from somewhere over there..."

"He's not, and that's mine. I've gotten a little lazy about carrying it around... can't clip it on these pants too good." She snapped the elastic on her sweat pants. "They'll just fall right down."

"Oh... I thought maybe you guys were only using one now. Since Tommy's staying home a lot more...?" And Ellie thought she remembered them saying that one of the walkie talkies was 'acting up' anyway....

"He's lookin' for Ellie. Ain't he." Joel said it with such certainty, like he knew it was true, but he couldn't possibly--

"He is," Maria confirmed. "He put together a search party right after you left. ...I take it nobody found you, then. You just decided to come back on your own?"

Ellie couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Why would he do that?" she asked plaintively. "I mean... I get why, I guess, but... why would he personally go? After all that shit I said?"

"It would've been hard to find us," Joel said, completely ignoring all the questions from both her and Maria. "On horseback, I presume?" He paused for Maria to confirm this. "Ain't like I was stickin' to the highway. Ellie only found me 'cause she's got a good memory for places. Places we stayed at before, off the beaten path."

She was glad he omitted the part where she'd actually found him two days ago; she suspected he did it on purpose. Does he feel as guilty as I do that people were out SEARCHING for me while we were just like... fucking practically nonstop? She hadn't really cared when Joel had brought up that possibility before, but now that it was more real, it added another layer to her feeling of overall shittiness.

"I would've taken that into account," he continued, "had I known it would be so damn easy for her to leave here, pretty much right after I did."

Ellie thought he sounded a bit... accusatory? But she had a feeling that if it were Tommy he was addressing, there would be an accompanying deathglare. And perhaps a few harsher words. Joel tended to be less passive aggressive with his brother. Please don't ask me how I got out--

"Joel, I'm really sorry about that," Maria replied. "To my knowledge, no one's figured out how she did it. Tommy went and spoke with all the guards and none of them would admit to letting her out. They searched the whole town -- put everyone on alert -- no one even admitted to seeing her that morning." She turned to Ellie. "Tommy said he even searched that burned-up old house you went to that one time... where you hid from Joel? He was hoping that after you couldn't get out, you were just too stubborn to come home. That eventually you'd calm down... or get hungry or something..."

Remembering that day she ran away from Joel flooded Ellie with fresh shame. And not only had she run away -- she'd found an awesome hiding spot and made sure she wouldn't be found. Yet still Joel almost found her. Probably the only thing that had stopped him from searching every nook and cranny was the horrible condition of the house, that foul burnt odor... like his brain was telling him "why would she hide in THERE?" She could have saved him hours of agonizing searching if she'd just gotten over herself and come out when she heard him calling for her the first time. How the fuck does Joel NOT hate me after everything I've done to him? It might not look like it, but the man was actually a fucking saint.

"He thought about sticking around longer," Maria was saying, "in case it was something like that, and you turned up. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt like you were gone. You were determined to go find Joel and... well, hey, guess you did."

Maria's tone at the end there was just adding salt to the wound that was Ellie's guilt (another dumb old expression: why would anyone rub salt into a wound? But at least that made the thing make sense in that salt would only make matters worse). Plus if we had come back right away, we probably would've run into the searchers and saved everyone at least SOME trouble? Ugh. "I didn't think Tommy would actually leave town to look for me," she said apologetically. "I figured he would be more like... good riddance?"

Joel snorted at that.

"I told him I hated him, Joel," she informed him coolly. "If someone said that to me... along with a bunch of other nasty stuff? ...I sure as fuck wouldn't feel like chasing after them. I guess I thought... I dunno..."

"You weren't thinkin' at all," he replied. "Not about how what you were doin' might affect other people. But... well, neither was I, I s'pose. I should've anticipated that somethin' like this might happen." He looked at Maria. "I'm real sorry about that. We both are. I need to talk to Ellie... without the distractions of bein' Outside..."

You mean cuz we were only a few minutes away from home when this BREAK thing came up?

"...and then I'm leavin'. She won't follow me this time. If you know which direction Tommy went, I'll head that way first... see if I can track him down an' send him home."

"He was in the group going west. He had a hunch that Ellie would look for you on the road to California first." Maria looked at Ellie curiously. "How did you escape? Did someone... cover for you?"

Does she think using the word 'cover' instead of 'lie' will make me rat out my helper? Ellie wondered if the searchers had questioned Max. She figured they probably had, which meant he had lied his ass off. He's such a loyal friend! she thought fondly. But she knew Joel wouldn't see it that way. There was only one way out of this! "I... uh... I just sort of... clicked my heels together three times and said 'There's no place like... ...like Outside!' ...and then I magically grew creepy fairy wings, and I FLEW my ass Out. Yep! That's what I did."

She thought that sounded pretty good! But it didn't earn her so much as a chuckle or an eyeroll from either of them.

Joel wasn't interested in discussing it further, or making small talk, or looking in on Grayson. He told Maria that Ellie would be back soon and then he left, without even waiting for Ellie... but of course, she followed him out the door, as he must have known she would. If Maria gave a shit that they were heading out to ~be alone together~, there wasn't much she could do about it at the moment... but Ellie got the feeling that she didn't care. That Maria could sense there was something very wrong between them. Anyone probably could have picked that up from the detached, all-business attitude Joel had just exhibited. The conviction in his voice when he'd declared "She won't follow me this time."

Ellie trailed after Joel, the dread knotting up her stomach so much that she thought she might puke for real this time.

"We are an' we ain't," had been his answer to the question of whether or not they were broken up now... that "ain't" was what she had to cling to if she wanted to make it through this.

~Continue to Chapter 42~

"Singularity" Chapter 40: "These Violent Delights" [40/49]

2022-08-17T12:59:48Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 40: "These Violent Delights" [40/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,634
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title is from Romeo & Juliet, Act II, Scene VI

~

"Oh my God, Joel... fuck... fuuuuuuck... yes... yes! Jesus, Joel -- FUCK -- I'm gonna -- Ahhhhhh!"

Joel could listen to Ellie come a million more times and never get tired of it (despite the fact that her expressions of pleasure had to be at least somewhat exaggerated for his benefit). She always made sure to say his name a few times -- because she knew he liked that. Not that he ever really thought Ellie would be thinking of someone else while climaxing, just... you never know, I guess.

It was awfully convenient that he didn't have to pull out now. Ellie even reminded him, as if he might have forgotten (or perhaps in case force of habit took over). He kept thrusting, feeling close yet not quite ready to go over the edge... he asked her to rake her nails down his back, as hard as she could -- and that did the trick.

They'd finally moved into the 'jeep house,' since Ellie had begged him not to take her home yet; he had wanted to find a better house, but Ellie had convinced him it didn't smell that bad, and they could just open all the windows to air it out if he was so concerned about what she was breathing in. They hadn't actually decided if they were going home at all, truth be told. Joel was ninety-nine percent certain that they would -- he just had to convince Ellie that it would be best. Outside was no place for a pregnant woman.

'A pregnant woman'... that's Ellie... MY Ellie!

He was probably handling this all wrong. There was a chance that Ellie was not actually pregnant; home tests could give false positives. But for the most part, he thought they were pretty accurate, and between his 'men's intuition' and her womanly one... the symptoms she'd been having... the fact that he hadn't made it all the way out of her that one time, a short while back... Joel felt confident enough to base life decisions around it for the time being. They could confirm it at the clinic before doing anything as drastic as, say, moving to a new house. ...Granted, the clinic wasn't going to be a walk in the park, given the inherent scandal tied to her age, but they'd have to figure something out, because he wanted Ellie to have the best prenatal care possible. And of course, they still had Tommy and Maria to deal with. Joel wasn't looking forward to that, so Ellie hadn't had to twist his arm too much when she said she wanted to stay 'with the jeep' for a little while longer.

The past twenty-four hours had been such a whirlwind... he still couldn't believe everything that had gone down between him and Ellie. It was definitely a lot to navigate, emotionally.

He was certain he'd never seen Ellie this moody, either. One minute she was smiling and laughing, happy as hell... the next, she looked sad, withdrawn... even stricken, sometimes. What worried him more than that, however, was when she spaced out. It seemed to be some kind of coping mechanism she had: a way of turning off her feelings when they became too intense or painful for her. He'd seen her do it before. Could it just be raging hormones out of whack? ...Maybe. But Joel had a feeling he was the cause, and the guilt ate at him.

She also happened to be extremely horny. She had wanted to 'christen' every room in the house... Joel just hadn't had the stamina for that. He had to keep putting her off with promises of 'later'... he was too damn tired. They napped together -- or, rather he napped and Ellie relaxed. Ellie claimed to have slept a little, but she was awake when he fell asleep and awake when he woke up, so it couldn't have been all that much. She was far more interested in having sex than in talking, that was for sure. Every man's dream...

He supposed he should still feel guilty that he was robbing her of the chance to find a younger man who could keep up with her... well... HEALTHY APPETITE, I suppose you would call it. ...But he didn't. Not really. Because now he had the feeling once again that they were supposed to stay together -- and he hadn't felt that way since even before Tommy had busted them. He wasn't simply being selfish, giving in to his need to be with her. Now, he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Where he was needed most. It all made sense -- even though on the surface, of course, a fifty-year-old knocking up a sixteen-year-old made no damn sense whatsoever.

It don't matter -- what's done is done. And we LOVE each other, damnit. He was ready for this... they were ready for this. Only the logistics needed to be worked out.

On the 'appetite' front, he offered to help her out with his fingers, when his dick needed a breather -- and she always turned him down. She said from now on, she only wanted to come if he did as well. That one, he did feel a little guilty about, when he just wasn't up for it... but she didn't seem too put out by it (and he would continue to offer her alternatives).

He couldn't persuade her to eat very much, as she continued to have very little appetite when it came to actual food, but he did hound her to drink plenty of water. She had barely brought any with her -- only one thermos, no reserve. What she had planned on doing if she hadn't caught up to him, he had no idea. He liked to think she would've just gone back to Jackson to replenish her supplies and then perhaps taken a bit more care in packing for a longer trip, if she intended to look for him for days... weeks... the thought of it sure tugged at the old heartstrings. What if she'd worn herself out so much that she lost the baby? He was well aware that the body prioritized certain functions over others, when stressed in ways pertaining to survival.

He agreed they could -- and probably should -- spend the night there, at the jeep house. The area was relatively safe, as far as Outside places went, due to its proximity to Jackson, and the fact that this house was tucked in well off the highway and nestled among enough trees that no one would be able to see they were there unless they got up real close. No horse to hide for fear of it getting stolen... he'd closed the garage, of course, and taken the keys inside, so no one could steal the jeep. But while Ellie wanted to stay multiple days, Joel didn't think that was a good idea. She needed to eat more than apples, jerky sticks, and jam on bread (yes, he'd dipped into the Karma jar). He could perhaps go hunting, but she was loathe to let him out of her sight... even though she said she knew he wasn't going to leave her again. That suited him fine, seeing as how he also didn't like to lose sight of her himself (nature breaks aside, of course). He just didn't like the idea of her being Outside right now, period, and going hunting would be riskier than hiding out in the house.

It was early yet; the sun had set, but the sky was still aglow. The two naps he'd taken hadn't made up for the mere dozing he'd done the previous night, and he knew Ellie needed her rest, even if she claimed she wasn't tired, so they turned in early. He hoped the sex would take her mind off things enough to allow her to sleep. The way their 'pillow talk' started, though, it didn't seem like it had...

"If we go back to Jackson... what are we gonna say to Tommy and Maria? Can we just not tell them I'm pregnant?"

Joel had considered that, too. "We don' need to tell 'em right away. People do tend to wait a while to announce that. It'll give us time to... sort things out better." She was curled up against him, her head on his chest like always... him stroking her hair... the only thing different was the bed. There were no sheets, but they had enough of their own blankets -- one from the jeep, one Joel had brought, and a compact one from Ellie's bag that she claimed to have picked up on their last trip, although Joel couldn't remember laying eyes on it before.

"But you still promise we're going to live together."

"Yes. I'll figure somethin' out." They might be forced to announce the pregnancy if Tommy clung to his idea that Joel needed to stay away from her. And if he wanted to kick them out of town? Joel was counting on Tommy's conscience plaguing him on that one: would he really be so heartless as to throw a pregnant woman Out? He could try to kick Joel out and not Ellie, of course, but... well, Ellie had proven that she'd stop at nothing to come after him, now, hadn't she.

And she refused to tell him how she'd escaped. She would just smile impishly and say something vague like "I have my ways." He didn't push it.

"We should just live here," she was saying now. "It's close to town -- we could go up there and get food every few days -- and like, toothpaste and stuff, too -- whatever we need!"

"Uh-huh. I'm sure that would fly with my brother."

"Ugh... really don't want to see him again, Joel. He prob'ly hates me as much as I hate him now -- I was kind of obnoxious before I left."

"My sweet baby girl, obnoxious?" he teased. "Noooo. I don't believe it."

She giggled a little. "Totally obnoxious. But he fucking deserved it! He basically took you away from me."

"Hey -- I told you: don't blame Tommy for this. We both agreed that I'd be doin' what was best for you, by leavin' -- and he didn't know you were pregnant, either."

"Whatever. It's none of his fucking business. We are none of his business."

Joel sighed. "We're family. We all look out for each other. I don' know what's gonna happen when we get back, but I want you to be nice to him, all right? Things worked out just fine in the end."

When he thought about it, he still couldn't quite comprehend how he'd gotten from the mindset he had this morning to the one he had right now. Just those two little words... "I'm pregnant"... words he had hoped to never hear from her. Could there be any bigger sign from the universe that they were supposed to stay together? The timing of it was just... like something out of a movie, really. It didn't feel real.

He hadn't really had time to digest the whole... becoming-a-dad-again thing. The thought still scared him shitless, if he was honest with himself. Losing a child... it had to be the worst thing a human being could ever experience. Meeting Ellie had turned out to be a blessing, of course, but the more love he felt for her, the more the fear multiplied inside him until sometimes it damn near suffocated him. And now... he was signing up to double that amount? Was he crazy?!

The thing was... he didn't have a choice. It was a done deal. He had to make the best of it. He couldn't walk out on Ellie now. She'd been surprisingly reluctant to talk about the baby... about some of the changes they were going to need to make, assuming they could still live in Jackson. She would say things like... she didn't want to think about any of it yet, or couldn't they figure it out later. He figured she was overwhelmed by everything, and scared of what would happen when they got home. It was understandable.

He felt pretty damn lucky she wasn't furious with him. Not for getting her pregnant -- no, she seemed to take Joel's view on that: it was actually good that it happened when it did to keep Joel from making such a big mistake. It was that mistake that she should be furious about: leaving her, after promising that he never would. And why? To give her a 'better life' that might not even exist? Who could say for sure that she'd be happier without him in the long run? Their romance was still fairly new... there was still a chance it could run its course in due time. It could still turn to shit, as he'd apparently predicted. But Joel believed, now more than ever, that it wouldn't. Maybe the way they loved each other wasn't healthy, but by God, it worked for the two of them, didn't it? So what if they loved each other 'too much'?

As for that niggling voice in the back of his mind that worried "what will she do after I'm gone?" ... well, now he could finally talk back to it! I have to tell her--

"You still awake?" he murmured, as they'd fallen silent for a little while.

"Yep."

"Do you remember that day on the beach... shortly after we got there... you were still kind of depressed, askin' me--"

"I wasn't depressed," she protested. "Your magic cock cured me, remember?"

Joel snorted. "As I recall, the magic wore off pretty fast. But... fine. You were just... you still had your moods."

"...Don't we all?"

"Not like that. Those are out of character for you." Which was why Joel was concerned that he'd seen signs of that melancholy in her today, but hopefully it could be chalked up to the truly bizarre day they'd had -- starting off with him breaking her heart. "Anyhow... do you remember when you asked how you were supposed to live without me, an' you didn't like my answer... some shit about carryin' the love around in your heart..."

She snickered. "Some shit. Yes. So romantic."

"You know what I mean. I said it prettier, I'm sure. But you said that wasn't good enough. That you wouldn't be able to feel it anymore if I wasn't around to give it to you... or somethin' along those lines. Remember that?"

"...Yeah...?"

"And I told you I'd come up with somethin' else."

"Yeah... that's right... and you never did!"

"I never did. Until now." He squeezed her. "It is inside of you. Only this time... I mean that literally."

"...The baby." She lifted her head to look at him, even though it was so dark now they really couldn't see each other. "But Joel, I don't want the baby on my own -- I want it with you."

He kissed her forehead. "Of course. I plan on stickin' around an' raisin' it with you. I just mean... eventually, when I'm gone --"

"But you're not leaving."

"It jus' sounds a little nicer than sayin' I'm dead."

"Then say six feet under!" she suggested. "Remember?"

"However you wanna say it -- yes, given recent events, I reckon it's better if I clarify. Sorry." He gave her a quick kiss before tucking her head snugly under his chin. "My hope was that you would have a nice, full life, with lots of people who love you... and that would get you through it. But this is better than that. You'll be this kid's mother... he or she will never stop needin' your love. You'll be irreplaceable. It'll give you a damn good reason to get up every day an' keep on livin'."

She was quiet for a moment... and then she sniffled.

"Shit... I'm sorry... I keep makin' you cry..."

"But I still don't want you to die!"

"I'll... try not to?"

She crawled on top of him and kissed him deeply, just out of the blue, worming her hand down beneath the elastic of his sweat pants.

He broke the kiss, chuckling. "Whoa there... again?"

"Mmhmm..."

"I can't, baby girl. It's too soon."

"It's prob'ly been like twenty minutes..."

"Which ain't that long, especially when that was... uh... the third time today? ...and I'm worn out on top of it all."

"But you took a nap, so..."

"Still worn out." He shifted her off of him and tugged her hand up. "Why don't you... gimme a nice wake-up call in the mornin' instead, yeah?"

"Aww, can't I at least try and see what happens? What if you're wrong?" Her pout was practically audible.

"I s'pose I could be wrong... but I don't want you to have to work that hard. Plus, ain't it better to end the night on a high note? You'll feel bad if... nothin' happens."

"No I won't cuz you already told me what to expect."

Ellie was better about that than he'd anticipated at first (perhaps his multiple lectures on the subject had paid off)... but he felt like at least part of her still took it as a personal affront, if she 'failed' to get him hard. "Please... just wait 'til mornin'? He needs his rest. My hand, however... completely at your disposal." It was pretty clean, too, since he'd washed up a little before bed. He started sliding it southward... down to her ass...

"No, that's okay. Thanks anyway."

"It's all right. I know you feel like it makes you selfish, but... think of it as me makin' up for all my mistakes, if that helps..." He slid the hand over her thigh...

...And she tugged it up to hug it against his chest. "I'm good. Really. But thank you!"

Joel chuckled. "Well, you weren't good a second ago. You were rarin' to go."

"I'll just wait for ~him~ to get his rest."

"Mm. I see. Since when does my hand not get the job done?" he teased. "You've had some pretty good times with it, as I recall. It ain't good enough for you all of a sudden?"

"Nope! I'm spoiled now." She let out a big yawn. "Besides, I'm kinda tired too, so maybe your idea of waiting 'til morning is better."

"All right."

"And if you wake up first, just go ahead. I still really wanna wake up one of these days and find you inside of me!"

"Nope. Ain't gonna happen."

"I know you think it's rude but it's not! -- not when I'm telling you to do it!"

"Still rude. What if you slept through the whole thing? Too creepy."

"I wouldn't sleep through it! No way!" she laughed.

He didn't think she would, either, but he still didn't want to do it. "What about... if you feel sick? You know... mornin' sickness?"

"Um... ... I won't. Your magic cock cures that, too!"

...Maybe that's why she's so damn horny? It makes her feel good in more ways than one? Ha. Just... no. "Good night, baby girl," he said pointedly.

"Good night, Joel. I love you soooooo much."

"Love you, too."

"Don't let go of me all night, 'kay?"

"I'll do my best."

* * * * * * * *

Somehow, Ellie managed to convince Joel that they should stay at this house a whole extra day. He had tried to tell her there was no use stalling, that they needed to face reality at some point, and reality meant dealing with Tommy and Maria... and then possibly everyone else in Jackson. But she had turned those eyes on him, pleading for just one more day to wrap her head around everything, swearing she would be ready then. He had pointed out that it was cruel to let people worry about what had happened to her, and to waste time and energy searching for her, as he presumed they were... but she was surprisingly unmoved, saying things like "it's only for one day, they'll survive" and "I HOPE that asshole Tommy's worried sick!"

They had enough food... their bed was decent... but water was going to be a problem if they stretched this thing out too much longer. Joel had only brought roughly enough to get him to the well where Paul and Karma had been staying -- and that was rationed for him alone, not the two of them. The 'emergency' water wasn't going to last them much longer. Also, he hadn't brought the purifier... but even if he had, they would have to leave the house and go find a body of water in order for it to do any good. Which wouldn't be that big a deal in the jeep, he supposed, but it was stupid to drive even farther away from home when they really needed to be getting back. Ellie was pregnant -- she needed to be near a doctor.

And that had given him another idea...

On the morning they were getting ready to leave, he sat her on the couch and asked her how she felt about going to Idaho instead of Jackson.

"To the medical center, you mean. Right?"

He could see she wasn't thrilled at the prospect. "Right. There's no real doctors in Jackson."

"No, we have one now... remember? That one chick came down to work in the clinic. Like, permanently."

"She ain't a real doctor, though. She's too young."

Ellie groaned. "You're still soooooo ageist. She's in her thirties! Or is it cuz it's a woman? Is it a sexist thing?"

"That's right -- I forgot, I'm also a sexist pig," he said lightly. "No, I don't mean she's too young to do a good job. But she didn't go to medical school. Didn't even finish high school."

"That's not her fault!"

"Ain't sayin' that it is. Just that she won't know as much as someone who was a real doctor back in the day. Plus, they didn't bring a whole bunch of high tech equipment down here. Jus' some drugs an' shit." And pregnancy tests, apparently.

"Okay, so... you wanna go live up in Idaho for the next eight and a half months, which is when I'll actually need a doctor?"

Joel chuckled. "You're s'posed to get checked out sooner than that. Every month, I think."

"Maria didn't."

"That was before. I bet she did later on, once that new girl came down and all."

"The new girl doctor is Aiyana." She smiled. "You're never going to remember that name. I think it's pretty."

"Add that one to the girl list?" They hadn't discussed names much; Ellie just wasn't into it. Probably because it was so early.

"A name you won't remember? Not a good idea," she chuckled.

"I'd remember it if it's my daughter's name. Shit, I ain't that bad. But you know what? I heard they have ultrasound machines up there. Once you're far enough along, we could find out if it's a boy or a girl an' save ourselves the trouble of thinkin' up names for both. Would you like that? Or would you rather be surprised when it's born?"

She shrugged. "Whatever. So... if we go, how long would it take to get there?"

Joel had expected a little more enthusiasm, or at least curiosity, about the ultrasound. Whether she wanted to know the gender or not, he wanted her to have one anyway... to make sure everything looked good with the baby's development. "Uh... not sure. Obviously it helps havin' the jeep... but we might wanna go the long way around. I'd still rather not advertise that we have it, and the roads between there an' Jackson are more well-traveled now."

"Okay but if you had to guess?"

"I'd need to look at the atlas, but... I don' know... even considerin' that we'd have to stash the jeep somewhere outside of town, we could prob'ly get there by end of day?"

"Oh is that all?" She sounded disappointed.

"They might wonder why we walked instead of takin' a horse, though. Guess we could say we hitched the horse somewhere before we found the place an' hope they forget about it after--" Then he remembered something. "Never mind. Maria had to stop ridin' when she was pregnant. I don't remember how far along she was at the time, but we could be playin' it real safe." Something about the jostling motion, he assumed. Or maybe just because a fall, while dangerous in itself, could be catastrophic for the baby. Ellie was a good rider, but a horse could get spooked, or maybe if she felt sick and lost her balance... she did say she'd felt dizzy before... hell, she could be sitting right behind him and slide off before he even realized what was happening. "And you know what? We are gonna play it real safe. There's no need for you to get on a horse from now on."

"Yes, Dr. Joel," she said dully.

...Is she playing, or is she really annoyed? "It's too dangerous. I ain't just bein' overprotective here--"

"No, I get it... it's fine." She smiled weakly. "Thanks."

He studied her for a long moment... took in her body language. The way she was kind of... letting the couch swallow her up? The sadness in her eyes that the fake smile couldn't hide. "What's wrong, kiddo? Talk to me."

"Nothing!" she sighed. "You can't keep asking me that. It's... the hormones and stuff, like you said. That's all."

Joel wasn't so sure that's all it was anymore. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I can help--"

"I just told you it's nothing!" she snapped. "So-- okay, if we went to the hospital... I dunno, Joel. It's a hospital. Or close enough to being one that we all think of it like that. What if they see my bite?"

Joel had thought about that already; it was a concern, but he felt the benefits outweighed the risks. "If they wanna draw blood, or... take your blood pressure or somethin'... we'll make sure they use the other arm. Maybe we can find you a wrist brace somewhere. Then you wouldn't have to worry about it. They could even use that arm, long as you don't take it off."

"A brace? Like... that I would just wear every time? Wouldn't they think that's weird?"

"Maybe. They might wanna look at your hand, if it's hurtin' you enough that you have to wear a brace, so that might be risky, too... it would look suspicious if we say no... I'm just thinkin' out loud here."

"...Yeah, me too... like... what if they take my blood, and they test it, and they come back and say I'm infected and they have to kill me?"

The thought had crossed Joel's mind before -- prior to the pregnancy, even, just in general, thinking about if Ellie ever needed any kind of procedure done. "They don't have that capability in Jackson, according to Tommy. Now, I don' know if things are different in Idaho... with the better equipment an' whatnot... an actual lab to do tests, all that... or if your blood might still look different to 'em somehow. But I would be with you the whole time... and I promise you, I wouldn't let any of 'em hurt you." Maybe it WOULD be better to just skip anything involving bloodwork...

"Great. So you'd kill off more doctors -- more innocent people -- just to -- ugh, of course you would. You did it before, you'd do it again." She glared at him.

He didn't want to get into all that again with her; he thought she'd forgiven him by now, but he supposed there would always be some resentment there, regardless. "Or... we could just forget the blood. Tell 'em you're deathly afraid of needles or somethin'. I don' know. They can still check you out... do the ultrasounds, the measurements... make sure the baby looks good... that it's growin' the way it's s'posed to..."

She shook her head. "No. No way. I'm not going near a hospital. Let's just go home. I'm sure Jackson's stuff is good enough. And if it's not... well, I'm prob'ly gonna lose the baby anyways, right? I mean... doesn't that happen all the time?"

Again, she'd surprised him. Especially her tone. She sounded... cold. Unfeeling. Maybe THAT'S the problem here... she doesn't wanna let herself get too attached to this baby because she's scared she'll lose it? "No. Not all the time. Not even most of the time," he assured her.

"Are you sure, cuz... I heard it's something like... eighty percent," she mumbled, eyes downcast.

"Eighty percent that don't make it? ...Where did you hear that?"

She shrugged. Started playing with her hands, weaving her fingers together, cracking her knuckles... just... being real fidgety. Maybe from anxiety? Although he got the sense that she was lying. If she was, he didn't understand why.

Maybe she just needed some reassurance. "Well, I don't think that's right. Maybe it's higher nowadays than it used to be, but... no one could know that for sure. They don't keep track of statistics like that anymore. Or... if they do, the data's gotta be real skewed, 'cause a lot of folks are livin' off the grid now -- flyin' under the radar. Everyone not in a QZ would be unaccounted for, in studies like that." He wondered if that would be changing in Jackson some time soon... if the military did indeed intend to take it over eventually, and all signs pointed that way, from what Joel could see. He wasn't sure what that might mean for Ellie and him... but he had more immediate things to worry about first. Like convincing Ellie to think more positively. "Hey. No matter what the real percentage is, that ain't gonna happen to us, all right? We're gonna take precautions, an' make sure you get the proper--"

"It could still happen, though, even if we do everything right. It's happened to people in Jackson before."

He scooted closer to her and took one of her fidgety hands in his. Her palm is all sweaty... "Ellie, look at me." He waited for her to look up. "Is there a possibility? Sure. I can't tell you there ain't. But you've gotta just... try not to dwell on that, all right? It ain't good for you or the baby. You know what a self-fulfillin' prophecy is?"

"...Um... I think so... if you believe something bad's going to happen so much that you like... make it happen because you're thinking it?"

"Somethin' like that. If you wanna hold off on things like... thinkin' about names, or... stuff that takes place after it's born... that's fine. But don't just... assume that you're gonna--"

"Okay!" she cut him off and... flung her arms around his neck. Surprising him yet again. "I'm sorry! I don't mean to be like... I don't wanna make anything happen that... fuck, I wish it could be the opposite -- if I want something so bad that it just comes true cuz I'm wishing for it? Why can't it be like that?"

She sounded tearful, which probably explained the sudden hug -- she still didn't like crying in front of him. He tried to gently push her back enough to talk to her face to face anyhow, but she wasn't having it. She clung to him more tightly, sniffling into his shoulder, so he just held her close. Rocked her a little. "Maybe it can be like that. There is... nothin', so far, to make me think there's anything wrong with this pregnancy." Not that he would know exactly what would make him think so... just... if she was having bad cramps, or... blood in her underwear, I guess? We're good there... "Just keep thinkin' that we're gonna have a healthy, strong--"

"Joel, shut up, okay? Can you just... not?" she asked softly.

Maybe she just needs a good cry? "All right. I've got you. Let it out. It's okay..."

He kept soothing her, but she didn't get beyond the sniffling stage. She wanted to be held, she didn't want to look at him... and she also didn't seem to want to cry. Eventually the sniffling subsided. She remained quiet for a little while, and Joel wondered if he was rocking her to sleep when she finally muttered something that sounded like "sorry."

"You okay now?" he asked her gently.

"Yeah." And still, she didn't pull back. "Just... um... you would be upset if I lost the baby. Wouldn't you."

"Of course." What a strange... non-question.

"I mean you'd be like... you know. Sad and everything?"

"Yes, of course," he repeated. "I'd be... real sad."

She started to pull away then, apparently satisfied with that answer. He kissed her temple when she lifted her head, and he tried to tilt her chin up, but then she... she's unbuckling my belt?! "Ellie, we really oughta get goin'."

"No! Not yet. We haven't had sex today!" She kissed him eagerly while her hands fumbled around with his fly.

She said it all... sensible-like. The way a person might say they can't leave because they haven't had breakfast yet. "What does that--"

"Sssshhhh -- Joel -- I want you --"

...And so they had sex yet again.

Joel protested, but... she just wasn't hearing him. Or maybe she just didn't care. It was... downright bizarre.

Sure, the pregnancy hormones on top of the teenage hormones must be... a force to contend with. But she was so... ...so desperate, each time. She wasn't even reaching orgasm, some of the time, and the times she did... well, he couldn't be certain she wasn't faking it. He did what he could to make it more pleasurable for her -- he tried to touch her, kiss her... but she didn't want him to go slow. She wanted it fast and hard... she just seemed to want him to come as soon as possible. Almost like she wanted it over with. Which might make sense, since she apparently wasn't that aroused, except that she was the one who kept initiating it -- she was the one setting the pace. And this time, she'd been... he didn't want to say violent, but...

Yes. That was what it had felt like. There was no better word.

She finished doing up her jeans and sat beside him to put her shoes back on. "I'm ready to go now," she said, glancing at him.

"Well... I ain't." He hadn't moved an inch since she'd climbed off of him. I really need to get to the bottom of this.

"Did I wear you out so early in the day?" she teased. "Hopefully by lunchtime you'll be--"

"Ellie, knock it off. This has to stop."

"I did wear you out!" she smirked.

"I'm serious. Are you... still angry with me? About the other day?" That sounded nicer than saying--

"About you leaving me, you mean? Why would I be mad?" She didn't sound mad -- just sarcastic. "You can tuck yourself back in now. I won't make you go again so soon."

Joel snorted. "I know it's a big joke to you, but you really... was that even enjoyable for you?"

"Of course! Duh -- it's always--"

"Well, it wasn't for me," he cut in. "And I really don't see how it could've been for you, either. You were dry as a bone."

That comment was finally enough to give her pause. "You... didn't like it?"

"No. Why do you think I was suggestin' we oughta stop?"

"But... you got hard, so--"

"At this point, I honestly don't even know how that happened. He just likes you too much, I reckon. Too much for his own damn good." Joel finally started 'tucking himself back in.' "I'm tellin' you, he needs a breather. He's gonna be sore for awhile. You'll have to make do with my--"

"It hurt? Is that what you're telling me?"

She seemed surprised, but Joel figured she had to be sore as well. Maybe even more so. "I just wanna know what's goin' on with you. What's goin' through that pretty head of yours." He drew her to his side.

She looked at him sadly... contritely. "I'm so sorry... why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?"

"Oh good, at least you weren't doin' it on purpose," he said lightly.

"Of course I wasn't! You didn't answer the question -- why didn't you say something?" She reached up to cup his cheek and stroke his beard with her thumb, the gentle caress a stark contrast to all the grabbing and groping she'd been doing of late.

He turned his head to kiss her palm. "I don' know. You didn't wanna stop, so I just figured I'd--"

"But I would have if you told me that!" she cried.

"All right. It ain't that big a deal. I was just givin' you a heads up that I--"

"It is a big deal! How many times has it hurt and you haven't said anything?!"

Joel could think of only one other time -- just yesterday, and it hadn't been as bad as this. He'd felt some discomfort, and hadn't found the sex all that pleasurable, but he didn't want to hurt Ellie's feelings. Then or now. "Only this time," he fibbed.

"Took you a second to answer so I'm thinking that's a lie," she said crossly.

"You didn't put him out of commission the other time so it wasn't--"

"God, I'm a horrible person -- I'm soooooo sorry I did that to you!" she wailed.

"Calm down, baby girl. I told you -- it ain't that big a--"

"Yes it fucking is! You're always asking me if I'm okay... er, maybe not so much the last... uh... few times, when I was all... -but in the beginning. Remember how you kept telling me to let you know if I ever felt uncomfortable, or if something hurt --"

"You already know I'm a goddamn hypocrite."

"But... fuck, Joel! You should've pushed me off you or something. Promise me you'll tell me next time! If you even want there to be a next time. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, after that."

He pulled her in closer and gave her a sweet little kiss. "Stop. Of course I do. I love you."

She was blinking back tears again. "Okay," she whispered. "But promise me."

"I promise." He would just make sure it didn't get to that point. If he had said something earlier, he could have prevented it from escalating this far. I don't think we'll get there again. But I still don't know WHY she was being that way... "I just wish you would talk to me. Can you tell me why you're bein' so... ..." ...Aggressive? Rough? No, neither of those quite covers it...

But she seemed to know what he meant. "It's hormones, I guess? I dunno... maybe cuz like... in the jeep. Yeah! That was awesome. I must've got it in my head that we should keep doing it that way? -Wait -- you liked that too, didn't you?"

"Yes. Don't worry." It sounded like Ellie didn't really know the reason. That she was just grasping at straws, trying to figure it out herself. Maybe it didn't necessarily indicate some huge problem that needed fixing. ...Or am I being lazy now? Shit, these last few days...

"Joel, I swear to you -- I didn't even know it could hurt, if you're a guy. Is that stupid?"

He chuckled. " 'Course not. How would you know?"

"Well, obviously it hurts when you get kicked there. That's like... every man's worst fear, right?"

"It... ranks pretty high up there. Sure. But this wasn't anywhere near as bad as that, all right? Don't feel bad." It was sweet of her to worry, though. He kissed her forehead.

"Do your balls hurt, too? Or just your dick?"

"Uh... the whole package, I guess."

She winced. "Sorry. I'm such an asshole!"

"No you ain't," he chuckled. "Let's just do it nice an' easy next time, yeah?"

"And when's that gonna be? Tonight?" she asked eagerly.

Damn, girl-- "Tonight? Oh no. I'm done for today." Whether that was technically true or not, he was just done.

"But I wanna make it up to you," she pouted.

"There's other ways you can do that."

"Okay! Name it and I'll do it!"

"Well... a nice hot bath would be nice. We could jus' soak in the tub together. Sound good?"

"Sounds like that's as much for me as it is for you," she complained, but she was smiling. "If we even... get to be in the same house?"

Joel sighed. "Yeah, I don' know what's gonna happen with my goddamn brother. Pretty sure we're gonna have to tell him you're pregnant."

She scowled. "Motherfucker. He doesn't deserve to know."

"Ellie--"

"I know you said to be nice to him, but fuck him! This was all his fault."

"Ultimately, it was mine. I made a mistake. And I won't make it again. If he's gonna try an' say that we can't live together... how 'bout this: then we go to Idaho."

"I really don't wanna go there," she protested. "I'd rather go find Paul and Karma instead. We wouldn't have to tell them anything -- I won't get fat for a long time, right? And even when I do, I could probably hide it for a while... maybe I'll suddenly take a liking to wearing your clothes all the time?"

"Cute." That was another option. Joel just didn't like the thought of Ellie not being near a doctor... not having adequate meals consistently... not being as safe as she would be Inside. "Or maybe we go to California. Kiss'n'make up with Golden Sands."

She considered this. "Yeah... maybe we could do that... has it been long enough, though, you think?"

"Don' know. I think we'd have to be real careful." The more he thought about it, the more Joel didn't like the idea. There were no doctors there, either, and although they would be pretty safe from the world at large, word could always get back to that army base somehow -- if they were even still in 'business' with them after everything that had happened. He and Ellie could perhaps lay low there, but they'd be trusting their fate to twenty-two other people. If just one of them was sympathetic to the soldiers... "No, I don't like that idea after all. Never mind. First things first -- we go back to Jackson. We can sort things out there. You ready now?"

She said that she was... but she had this air of misery about her. Joel had seen her weather dark days before -- had seen her so despondent that she didn't seem to care about anything. This definitely wasn't that... yet it was also worse, somehow. He just couldn't understand it, and he didn't know how to help her.

* * * * * * *

Joel would have driven Ellie right up to the gate if he could have, but the goddamn jeep was still a possible source of trouble. He drove as close as he dared to Jackson, which was still about half a mile away. A little too close for comfort with patrols ranging out farther than that, at least some of the time... but if they could find another garage or something to conceal it, they could probably get away with it. They were probably going to have to just let it go to rot, like all the other cars around. No more Sunday joyrides. Joel didn't want Ellie to be Outside at all, for any reason, and even though those excursions probably weren't that risky, they were just plain unnecessary. Everything was different, now that she was pregnant. But he still didn't like the idea of 'wasting' the jeep, and thought it would be nice to go visit Paul and Karma... bring them some food, maybe some other stuff... and then leave it with them. They could keep it hidden somewhere when it wasn't needed, and he'd make sure to explain the possible risks to Paul -- but truthfully, Paul could just say he'd found it, and the military would have no reason not to believe him. He and Karma wouldn't fit the description of the thieves they were searching for. Of course, one of the soldiers could still get trigger-happy or something...

Shit. Maybe the best thing to do is just leave it near a highway somewhere, NO mud covering the paint, and maybe a helicopter will spot it someday. Whenever the military happened to find it, they could plan on recovering it, fixing whatever needed fixing -- and they could assume that he and Ellie were either dead or long gone. Case closed.

But he wouldn't want to leave it too close to Jackson. He could make it look like they'd been headed in that direction... like they'd never made it there. Then make the long trek back on foot. It would have to be far enough out that it would take at least a few days to return, if not farther -- and he couldn't bring Ellie along for that now. She could argue all she wanted that she wasn't suddenly helpless, but she was more vulnerable -- or, rather, the baby was. She might be strong enough to endure or overcome certain things, but the baby might not be. No, he would have to leave her again... and would she believe that he was planning on coming right back this time?

He could figure something out later. For the time being, they were going to hide the jeep real close by, and walk the rest of the way to the gate. "What about that barn back there?" Ellie suggested, pointing to their left.

"That's prob'ly good enough." He swung the jeep off the road into the field, and slowed it way down for Ellie's sake; he was afraid that the jostling motion might be similar to that of a horse.

"I think we can go a little bit faster than snail pace..."

"It's a bit rough out here, is all."

"Are you gonna carry me the rest of the way back, too?" she teased.

"I think walkin' would be easier on you, actually." Less jostl-y.

She rolled her eyes. "I was just kidding!"

"I know."

After they parked the jeep inside the barn and retrieved all their shit out of it, Ellie said she had to pee "and possibly puke." Naturally, she didn't want to do either of those things in front of him (he had held her hair for her while she puked that one time last summer, but she said it was way too gross and embarrassing). He tried to send her out into the fields where she'd be far enough away for privacy, yet still in his eyesight... she hadn't liked the idea, though, and wanted to just go behind the barn instead while he waited in front of it. He reluctantly agreed.

He thought he'd still be able to hear her, from where he was at... but he heard nothing. ...Don't PANIC, goddamnit... you already scoped the place out and it's clean. The farmhouse across the way was all boarded up... clearly abandoned, no hunters or Infected or any other riff raff hanging about. Even if someone were to nonsensically come bursting through one of the boarded-up windows, he was on that side, not her.

...But still.

... ...Godddamnit.

Minutes ticked by painfully slowly. He had to stop himself from going after her no less than ten times.

And on that tenth time, it finally hit him: what an idiot I've been!

He suddenly realized why Ellie had been acting strangely -- it wasn't strange at all, actually. It made perfect sense.

When she finally came back around the corner, he smiled. And it was a big goofy grin, he was sure, because he was so overcome with this... revelation, about her... about the two of them...

Ellie stopped walking well before she reached him, clearly taken aback by his expression. "What's so funny? Do I have puke on my shirt or something?"

He chuckled. "No... did you get sick, then?"

"A little. I drank some water... but I'm gonna have to start carrying mint around, I guess. Do you have some in your bag? Did you bring any?"

"Forget the mint. Ellie... I..." ...suddenly don't know what to say?

Her eyes widened. "What is it?"

"Come an' sit. Sit down... I guess back in the jeep? Shit, we just can't seem to get away from--"

"No -- just tell me!"

He closed the gap between them and took her hands in his. "Relax -- it's nothin' bad. It's... the opposite, actually."

"O... kay?"

"I know why you've been actin' like... -all the sex. It's got nothin' to do with sex."

Despite the fact that he'd just told her this was nothing bad, Ellie blanched. "It doesn't?"

"Nope." He pulled her in closer and put his arms around her... though he wanted to look her in the eye, so he didn't hug her to his chest. "It's 'cause of what I did to you. It only hit me just now... how wrong it was. How... traumatic. Just... disappearin' like that, lettin' you wake up to find me... not there... I think you maybe went into survival mode. There's prob'ly a better word for it--"

"No, that's pretty accurate," she said. She looked a little less pale... a little more at ease.

"Right. That shit gets into your subconscious. Especially 'cause... you came all the way out here an' found me, and I still... I just hurt you more. And the thing that made me come around? Was you tellin' me you're pregnant. When I think about it, your libido seems to kick into overdrive right after you've been upset. Scared of losin' the baby, or losin' me... thinkin' those two things might be related... it don't take a shrink to figure out that you were cravin' the closeness -- the emotional part of sex. But your brain still ain't convinced you can trust me, so... at the same time, you're keepin' your distance. It's like a... a self defense mechanism. The sex... it ain't gettin' the job done, to your brain's satisfaction, but your heart won't let it be anything besides this... this..." He was at a loss as to how to categorize the strange intercourse they'd had that morning -- it didn't even rank up there with mere fucking, in Joel's book. "Whatever that was, last time. It's like you don't wanna let me all the way back in, so you're in this cycle of... ...well, it ain't good. ...How am I doin' so far?"

She seemed to be a little squirmy... a bit more uncomfortable with the conversation now. "I dunno about all that..."

"Let's go sit down. Come on." He put his arm around her shoulders and walked her back inside the barn. "Right here." He didn't let her climb into the jeep, though. He turned her toward him and hoisted her into the seat, so that she was facing him, her legs dangling over the side.

"Aren't you gonna sit, too?" she asked.

"Nope." He dropped a kiss on top of her head and stood back to look at her, running his hands down her arms... lingering close enough to touch her. "There's more I need to say."

"No -- you don't have to, really --"

"Hush an' let me say it," he chuckled. "I am... so sorry, that I did that to you. If I could take it back, I would."

"You already apologized. It's okay. I forgave you and everything!"

"You're too nice to me." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I can tell you I'm sorry... I can tell you that I love you... that I'll never do it again... but that's just words. Why should you believe me? I don't blame you for--"

"I do believe you, okay? Can we just go now?"

She's all irritated... well, too bad... "Not yet. Let me finish, all right? I think you want to believe me, but it'll take time. I hope I can maybe... speed that along for you... ...shit, that makes it sound like... I don' know. I ain't tryin' to... put a band-aid on a big ol' gapin' wound or nothin'... though it prob'ly sounds that way... ...I prob'ly should've rehearsed somethin' before... before talkin' to you, like this..."

She looked a little confused. "It's okay. Neither of us really likes talking about this shit. You don't have to. I'm good!"

He ignored this. "What I'm tryin' to say is... I love you. And I don't ever wanna be apart from you again. You're real young still, but... we're havin' a baby, so I don't think that matters, so much... this ain't exactly how I imagined this would go down... any of it..."

"Joel, seriously... it's kinda painful to watch you--"

"All right, all right, just-- There's somethin' else I need to apologize for. The day Tommy... confronted us. I should've stood up for us more. I was lookin' at things all wrong. You know I've always felt... guilty, about the age difference... I don't expect that to just go away overnight, but I'll work on it. I promise. I'll work real hard. From now on... it really is you'n'me against the world. If people don't like it? They can go to hell." ...This ain't coming out romantic-sounding at ALL, but--

"I like the sound of that." And finally, a smile.

"Good. That's... real good, 'cause... all that is still just... words... but I want you to know I mean 'em. That I am committed to you. To us. And... maybe the baby is what prompted this whole thing, but... I love you. It don't matter that you're pregnant, as far as... how I feel about you. So whatever happens... I don't want you to worry, all right? I didn't think this would be happenin' quite so soon, but..." ...I already SAID all that. Shit, why is this so hard? It's just ELLIE...

Joel was surprised to find that he was nervous as hell. Palm-sweaty nervous, even. And he was still holding her hand. I don't think I'm supposed to be... no, I should be holding something else, which I don't HAVE, so... He let go of her hand and dropped to one knee, resting his hands awkwardly on the still-accessible knee. "I don't deserve you... God knows I don't... but, if you'll have me, I'll spend the rest of my life tryin' to. To be worthy of you."

She started to protest, but he wouldn't let her this time. HERE GOES-- "Ellie Williams, would you do me the honor... of becomin' my wife? Will you marry me?"

She just stared at him, dumbfounded.

After a few moments of awkward -- even tense -- silence, he wondered if she would feel more at ease if he kept talking. "I'm s'posed to have a ring for you, but I... obviously wasn't plannin' on this..." The couple at the wedding they'd attended last year had exchanged rings during the ceremony -- there was a stash of them somewhere, reserved for engaged or married couples. Even if the diamond wasn't real, he wanted to give her something. "I'll fix that. ...I'll fix anything that needs fixin', if you would just..."

She seemed on the verge of tears again. ...That's GOOD, I think? Except... Joel got the feeling they weren't happy tears.

Now he was really starting to get nervous.

"What do you say, kiddo? Don't leave me hangin' here... ... ...Unless... do you need time to think about it? Of course -- of course you do. All this... the baby and everything... happenin' so fast... You can take all the time you need. I ain't goin' nowhere."

A few tears escaped and Ellie covered her face with her hands. She still hadn't said a word. ...Should I get up now, or... maybe I should wait for her to say something?

But he found that he couldn't wait. He'd obviously botched this, and now he had to try to un-botch it and salvage what he could. "In case I wasn't clear -- this has got nothin' to do with the baby. I mean, it does... but it don't. I wanna marry you, regardless of... what happens with that." He couldn't quite bring himself to say "if we lose the baby," but surely she had to know that's what he meant... right?

Yet still she said nothing. And she looked utterly miserable, covering her face like that... like she'd rather be anywhere else right now.

Joel didn't know what else to say. He tried to inject some lightness into his tone. "Ellie... just... yes, no, or maybe? If you need time to decide, jus' say so. The suspense is killin' me here--"

"I can't do this anymore," she blurted, dropping her hands and looking at him with the most heartbreakingly sad expression he'd ever seen.

SHIT! "Am I puttin' too much pressure on you? ...Of course I am. I'm sorry." She's too young for this-- He rose to his feet. "Just forget I said--"

"I can't just forget that you-- just -- fuck... I can't..." She took a shaky breath. "I can't do this to you."

"...Do what to me?" She was really starting to scare him now. What else can I say to convince her that I--

"I can't marry you," she said, quietly but firmly. Looking him right in the eye. "I'm so sorry, Joel, but... the answer is no."

~Continue to Chapter 41~

"Singularity" Chapter 39: "Right Here, Right Now" [39/49]

2022-08-03T13:03:34Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 39: "Right Here, Right Now" [39/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,353
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the song by Jesus Jones

~

Ellie knew that those two words were the last thing Joel wanted to hear from her -- even before he decided to leave, but especially now. He's so hell-bent on ditching me now that maybe it won't change his mind, but hopefully after he thinks about it a while... will it make him come back? Ellie was prepared for that possibility. He'd been so... not-sweet today that she couldn't expect an abrupt turnaround. But maybe it would bug him later, knowing he had a kid on the way who was about to grow up without a father.

Plus, he DID say that if I ever got pregnant, he WOULDN'T just dump my ass, regardless of the fact that he doesn't want the baby, so... does that count if he already left me?

Of course, if he knew it was only a fake baby... he might never forgive her.

Ellie had to play this perfectly.

For once, she didn't mind that he wouldn't look at her; it made her task a little less difficult. Looking at him and seeing no tenderness in his face -- no love for her -- had already made her so heartsick that she truly did feel nauseous. It was like he could just flip a switch and turn it off. She soooo wished that she could do the same thing! But even after all the frustrating, demoralizing arguing they'd just done, and how fucking beyond annoyed she was with him right now... she couldn't turn it off. I'm just not made that way. I can't do it. I NEED him... he's MAKING me do this!

She really fucking missed Riley right now. Riley had left her too, and then come back... all Ellie had to say was "don't go" and the matter was resolved once and for all. Oh, how happy Ellie had been then-- but for such a short time that it might as well have all been a dream. Riley had loved her enough to choose her over a new life with the Fireflies. I know Joel loves me just as much... or MORE... if only he wasn't so fucking stubborn! She had given him so many reasons why being together made sense, but he refused to listen to reason, period. A simple "please don't go" wouldn't cut it with him -- fuck, NOTHING worked with him. I tried EVERYTHING.

Joel was just... more complicated.

She fiddled with her hands in her lap and resisted the urge to sneak peeks at him. He would fucking notice, and she needed to convey... what, exactly? Fear? Anxiety? Dread? She wasn't sure, but she knew she didn't want him to think that she was judging his reaction. Because... I dunno? It's more natural to just feel what I feel like it has nothing to do with him, or something?

At least he turned the car off... at least he's not driving away... he must be THINKING about it...

He was quiet for so long that she finally just had to ask if he'd heard her. Obviously he had, but--

"I heard you, all right," he replied. "The thing is... I ain't sure I believe you."

Yes, she had expected that. She didn't blame him one bit -- she wouldn't have believed her either, at this point! But she had to make him believe it. She felt his eyes on her now... she had to make sure it felt completely natural to him that she was staring dully at her lap, speaking more softly than she had all morning. Like he's just worn me out or something...

But Ellie wasn't worn out; she was just shifting gears! "Because I'm a huge liar. Sure. I get it. You don't have to believe me. Just take me home then, and... forget I said anything." She wondered if he could actually do that. Her Joel couldn't... but her Joel was nowhere to be found right now. BOTH Joels must know that that's the last thing I WANT him to do...

"Just... if it's true, then why didn't you tell me before?"

She'd anticipated this question. She hadn't anticipated the accusatory, borderline-hostile tone... he's pissed. Of course he is. I don't think I would believe that I'd simply chosen to keep my mouth shut for so long, through this huge argument and everything, when I had such a major card up my sleeve the whole time... can I make it make sense to him? She took a quavery breath (and it certainly wasn't hard to act nervous... she was pretty fucking terrified right now). "Cuz I didn't want you to change your mind based on guilt, or like... cuz you felt obligated or something. Especially cuz you said... I mean... I know you don't want the baby. I wanted you to... you know. Decide you loved me, and that you didn't wanna leave because of that, not... this. Love should be a good enough reason to stay."

He hadn't told her that he didn't love her anymore, but he hadn't actually told her he loved her, either. Not today. He'd danced around it sometimes, saying things like "love ain't the issue" or "how I feel is irrelevant." But he'd just told her yesterday, and even this morning -- she was pretty sure he'd told her he'd always love her back at the house, when she was sleeping. She very much doubted the love was just... gone. He just wasn't willing to feel it anymore, and he was somehow capable of turning it off. But he still loved her!

"You just said you'd be fine with bein' father'n'daughter again, though," he pointed out.

"Um... yeah, I did say that... if you were cool with it and that's what we decided to do then I guess... I just... " ...just WHAT? Ugh... "...I would have had to consider other options. Like..." ...abortion? No, I don't wanna go there -- that's an easy out for him. ...Pretending the baby is someone else's? UHHH... She didn't want to put any other option on the table, really-- "I dunno. I didn't have time to think about that cuz you weren't willing to consider me just being your daughter anyways, so..."

"You also said you don't care if we never had kids."

Why did I have to say all that shit? Fuck-- "Yeah... well... it's true, because I just want you, but... obviously... um, we don't always get to decide things, right? ...Shit happens." She hated to equate their baby (even if it was only a fake one) to 'shit,' despite the fact that she knew Joel did.

He seemed to be as unmoved as ever by her distress. "What about yesterday?" he asked, still all cold and distant. "Why the hell didn't you see fit to mention it before? You didn't just find out this mornin' -- you said from the second you realized I was gone, all you cared about was comin' after me. ...Right? Unless--"

"Right. That's true."

"So, how long have you known?"

She had a somewhat-plausible answer ready for this one. "Only since yesterday. I didn't go to the clinic, but you can get a home test now, thanks to Idaho, remember?" She actually didn't think this had ever come up in conversation between the two of them, but she felt like it sounded more plausible if she said it that way... less like she was pulling something convenient out of her ass. And Joel would just assume he'd forgotten or hadn't been paying attention. At least she knew it was true: she and Maria had discussed it! Thank God Ellie had even happened to ask her how the fuck the thing worked -- because she wouldn't put it past Joel to quiz her on it. In fact, she would save him the trouble-- "I took the test yesterday and it... told me. I had to pee on this stick, and wait a few minutes, and when I checked the little window thingie, it had two red lines in it, and that means yes. ...I was gonna maybe tell you for our anniversary, but I was scared cuz I knew you wouldn't be happy about it, so I hadn't really decided, and then... well... you know what happened. I couldn't tell you after... all that Tommy stuff..." ...I couldn't? I guess I COULD have... if he asks me why not--

"But we've been careful. I have pulled out."

She had thought so, too -- but she knew Joel had had some doubts, because he was acting extra worried if she felt anything less than one hundred percent healthy... or like, when they were babysitting, how she'd stood up too fast and gotten dizzy... it was like he wasn't worried about her well-being so much as worried about what her symptoms might indicate! Well, okay, to be fair, he was probably worried about BOTH... "I don't know how it happened," she muttered. "Before you ask: no, I haven't fucked anyone else."

Ellie braced herself for a dickish reply to that... but he said nothing. She'd been joking, really, because surely Joel knew she would never do that. Did his silence mean he'd actually been about to ask if she was sure it was his kid? Oh God... I can stand him not wanting it, and hating the situation... I CAN'T stand him thinking it's not HIS! I mean... FUCK. How could he think that about me?!

And she hated how quiet he was being. Like, he wasn't even sighing in frustration or anything. Just... all business, no emotion. He was strictly in fact-gathering mode, the likes of which she'd never seen from him. Not to this degree!

"Didn't you just have your period?" he asked next. "What made you go get a test?"

"I didn't just have it... it's been like two or three weeks. And I just felt like... a little off, I guess? Nauseous sometimes... dizzy... I almost fainted one day at the farm," she added for good measure. It totally could have happened... and the 'almost' was an awesome disclaimer.

"You never told me that."

"Cuz I didn't want you to worry." ...Plus it's a total lie I only cooked up just now?

He sat there silently after that, no doubt trying to think of more excuses that would render it untrue. If he realized he was torturing her... well, this Joel-robot probably didn't care about that.

Even so, she felt bad that she was putting him through this. ...Kind of bad, anyway. It was a necessary evil. Someday, he'll thank me for it! At least, she sincerely hoped he would. When he realized that they belong together, baby or no baby, and he credited her with stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life. Someday...

But you have to focus on NOW, she reminded herself sternly. He has to believe you, or this is all for nothing!

"If you wanna take me back to Jackson, I'll take another test right in front of you and you can see for yourself," she offered (of course, she was really counting on him not calling this bluff). "Or... maybe the clinic can test people now... I mean, I don't know if you'd want me to do that, considering... ..."

"How did you even get your hands on a test in the first place?"

Oh -- right -- ummmmm-- "They have them in the store. I... stole one. -From Maria, though." Yeah, that sounds better!

"Maria?"

"Yeah -- she had like four of them in her bathroom. By the time we got those tests -- the town, I mean -- she already knew for sure that she was pregnant, so she didn't need one. She said she wanted to know earlier, next time... if she does get pregnant again... they want more kids, you know." All of that was true. (Well, maybe Maria didn't have four of the tests. But Ellie was positive she had said she had at least a couple on hand.)

"Those tests ain't a hundred percent accurate. And it seems a little early for it to... actually work."

Shit! Really? That was one thing she hadn't asked Maria about the test! Be cool, Ellie... "Well... I don't know what to tell you. I took one, and it was positive. What do you want me to do? Take another one when it's like... the right time for it to be accurate? You can watch me do it, and if I'm not pregnant, then... you can leave again. But... I know the test I took is right. It's like a... woman's intuition thing or whatever." ...intuition that HE'S GOING TO LEAVE ME if I don't do something CRAZY like this!

She could feel that he wasn't looking at her now, so she finally sneaked a glance at him. He was looking somewhere off to his left, so she couldn't even really see his profile. Couldn't see any muscles twitching... jaw clenching... his hands, though -- his right hand is balled up! He's upset. FUCK.

She wished she could get a good read on what he was thinking, or feeling... He probably hates me for this... fuck fuck FUCK... it's totally going to backfire... She resumed staring at her fidgeting fingers... until she made herself stop. She shifted her gaze off to the right, because she didn't want to give him any indication of what she was feeling. Two can play this game! Just sit perfectly still... breathe... BREATHE... it's okay... the fact that he's not raging at you and driving full speed back to Jackson right now is a good thing... he's reconsidering his options... and the longer he takes, the better it is for me! ...I think? Seems like it, anyway.

She could feel his eyes on her again, and it practically made her hold her breath. Ugh -- if all of this was true, how would I be acting right now? Every option just felt wrong, when she thought about it. Would she be crying and begging robot-Joel not to leave her? Sarcastically apologizing for fucking up his plans? Cheerfully trying to persuade him that this was a good thing and that they were going to be amazing parents? Raging at him for being a massive dick?

"Ellie... look at me, please," he requested softly.

Oh shit... is he going to make me SWEAR it's true? I don't know if I can look him in the eye and lie like that... HE can do it, but I don't know if I can... "I can't," she decided. Crying might help... MY Joel hates seeing me cry, and he knows it embarrasses me... yeah, that would be a good reason for me not to be able to make eye contact...

"Why not? Hm?"

FUCK, he sounds more like himself... kind and gentle... does that mean it's working? Did he flip the love switch back to the fucking ON position? ...I CAN'T wreck this now! "Because..." The shaky breath she took this time was even more convincing than the last (if she did say so herself). "I can't stand seeing you like this. Like I look at you and you're all... ...it's like you're not even there. You say you're doing this because you care about me, but... there's no love left in your eyes. It's all gone." She didn't fight the tears that choked out that last word... and she made sure Joel saw a couple big fat ones roll down her cheeks before looking pointedly back to her right and swiping them away. "I know you don't want... any of this... I wish I could tell you I was just making it up to get you to stay... but I can't. I'm sorry, Joel."

And it was true: she couldn't tell him that that's exactly what she was doing, because then he would leave her and hate her!

She felt his hand on her shoulder... and she kind of wanted to shrug it off, like he'd done to her so many times today when she'd reached for him, but she didn't. And it just made her cry more. She didn't fight the tears, but she was determined not to let them evolve into fucking sobs if she could help it (way too embarrassing, especially if Joel was suddenly immune to them anyway).

She heard him click her seatbelt buckle, releasing the belt... felt him carefully tug the strap back, out of her way... felt him squeeze her shoulder.

"Come here, baby girl. Please?"

He called me BABY GIRL! She hadn't heard that all day! And now he wanted her to... "come here"? Like... sit in his lap? Because she was right next to him already... she turned toward him slowly, still careful not to look at his face because WHAT IF HE SOMEHOW JUST KNOWS...

He pulled her closer... tugged her up and turned her around so that she fit in his lap without having to try to squeeze her legs under the steering wheel. She immediately buried her face in his shirt, which he wouldn't find strange because it was a typical maneuver of hers when she was crying, or just embarrassed... and then she allowed herself to feel the amazing comfort of his arms around her. Oh my God... is this really happening?! ... she shifted up a bit so she could hug him around the neck, tucking her wet face into it.

"You have nothin' to be sorry for," he murmured. "I'm the one who's... I'm sorry I didn't believe you at first."

YES! He believes me now! She just nodded dumbly.

"And for the record, the love ain't gone. I just had to... hide it."

"...And now you don't?" she had to ask, even though she could feel it in the way he was holding her... could hear the love in his voice again. He DOES still love me!

"I don' know... I don't think I can." He squeezed her. "We should talk some more. I'm gonna back this thing up... hang on..."

It took her a moment to realize he was speaking literally -- that he wanted to park the jeep back in the garage. "I don't think the helicopters are looking anymore..."

"You never know."

She could see it would be difficult for him to drive with her in his lap. "I'll just climb back here and let you... yeah." She wriggled off of him and clambered into the back -- because Joel is TOTALLY going to fuck me back here, finally! And with any luck, I'll get pregnant for real so I don't have to lie to him!

...Wait -- what the fuck is wrong with me?! That wouldn't be good -- Joel doesn't WANT a baby, he just feels like he has to take care of me now and stuff...

She knew she couldn't get away with this lie for long; it just had to be long enough to undo Tommy's brainwashing and get them back on solid ground... somehow. But how?! ...Well, she had time to figure that out.

He joined her in the backseat once the jeep was safely backed into the garage. "This more cozy? Back here?"

"Definitely." She snuggled up to him and looked at him searchingly. Searching for the love she'd been missing... and there it is! "You do still love me..."

He cupped her cheek in his palm. "Of course I do. Never stopped, never will." And then he kissed her tenderly.

She could have cried out of sheer joy this time, but she didn't -- she kissed him back eagerly. She could feel it now, the love... the want... "I love you... make love to me, Joel..." ...Except this will probably be more like fucking? But she was afraid the phrase "FUCK ME, JOEL" was ruined for him now (stupid fucking Tommy!). Hopefully he still liked hearing her say his name, at least.

"But you ain't feelin' good...?"

"I feel great now! I'm so happy!" She still wasn't sure what his intentions were regarding their relationship, but she didn't give a fuck -- she had him now. He was being real with her, and she had to make sure it was impossible for him to even think about leaving her again. If he had any doubts... she had to quash those immediately. She held his face in her hands and fixed him with an intense look. "I want you, Joel... I need you... please... right here, right now..." She hugged him... aligned her lips with his ear... shoved her hand down his pants... "Wanna feel you inside me..."

She could tell she was having an effect on him, physically. And mentally... the switch in his brain seemed to have flipped from "don't touch me" to "I need you RIGHT THIS SECOND." Joel leaned her back across the seat, and didn't even bother with kissing or teasing... It was like a scene from one of those 'guilty pleasure' novels, where the lovers are in such a hurry they just rip each other's clothes off and go at it like animals. One of those things Joel would say only happens in movies... not something that happens in real life...

Yet there they were, pants and underwear around their knees -- Joel did yank one of her legs free (Ellie heard her shoe tumbling to the floor), pushing it up so it was trapped between them -- just like yesterday! Except -- not really -- then he just plunged into her, with no warning... no preamble... no "are you ready?/sure?/okay?" or anything of the sort -- not even so much as a questioning glance.

Does he just KNOW that he doesn't need to ask right now? That I just WANT him-- And it didn't exactly hurt, but... it also didn't not-hurt... she gave him a little moan, and a breathy "yeah," in case he needed the encouragement.

I don't think he even noticed-- He was thrusting hard already, pounding her into the seat. He didn't seem all that interested in kissing, but Ellie managed to pull his face in and smash their mouths together -- that slowed him down, if only a little. The frenzied, rough movements suggested anger, but... no, that's not-- it's something else... AND I GET IT -- I FEEL IT, TOO -- and the resulting sensations were like... they weren't even sexual. Which was the weirdest fucking thing, since they were having sex, obviously-- it was more... ...primal.

The way they were connecting now had nothing to do with emotions, even. She couldn't have described how she was feeling, or how Joel was feeling. We're just... TOGETHER. One body.

She felt him shudder when he came -- inside of her -- and the emotions came flooding right back. On her end, at least, if not Joel's...

He flopped on top of her -- a panting, sweaty mass of dead weight, his face buried in her neck. What the fuck just happened? I'm... HAPPY... yes -- not SAD or SCARED or whatever-the-fuck else. I'm so happy right now I could just CRY-- but Ellie blinked back the stupid tears. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around Joel, and her legs... well, one was pinned to the back of the seat, and the other beneath him, so she didn't coil them like usual. Stay right here, oh glorious Joel-blanket... she didn't dare say a word, for fear of breaking the strange spell that had fallen over them.

At least until he turned his head to plant a little kiss on her neck.

He's back now... "That was intense," she whispered.

"Mmf," he grunted.

I know it's selfish, cuz he doesn't want kids, but please God PLEASE let us make a REAL baby right now... to make my lie RIGHT!

She couldn't make herself unthink it this time. She fucking wanted the lie to be true, with the same intensity she wanted Joel to never leave her again. Hey, little Joel spermies in there... SWIM, motherfuckers, SWIM! They looked like little fish, as she recalled from sex ed, so she supposed that explained the 'swimming,' although she wasn't quite sure how they managed to make it all the way up to where they needed to go. Joel helped them on their way, of course, but like... how far up? Would it help if she stood on her head, so that gravity would pull them into her uterus and hopefully one would meet up with an egg somewhere up in there? How long did it take, anyway? (She didn't think sex ed had covered all that... or maybe she had just forgotten!) If she just laid there for a while, would that provide enough assistance for the little dudes? "I wanna stay like this forever," she informed Joel. "See? I don't just say that when we're... uh... actually, I forgot when you accused me of always saying it. Like what circumstances."

"Mm... this time's different anyhow 'cause I already came." He chuckled a little. "Shit."

"Shit? Why?"

"You didn't come. Don't lie -- I know you didn't."

For a second, she was tempted to lie... his tone was playful, not like he was trying to call her out on anything... but, fuck it, what's the point? Especially if it means we get to have MORE SEX cuz he feels GUILTY! She needed to usher in as much sperm as possible. "Well then... that makes up for yesterday! Right? Now we're even!"

"Damn, that was only yesterday?"

"I know -- it feels like ages ago."

He raised his head to give her a peck on the lips. "Not only did you not come, but I hurt you. Didn't I."

"No you didn't!" she assured him. "I would've stopped you if it was hurting, I swear! That was fucking hot. Like... you were so turned on you couldn't help yourself or something. We are definitely doing this again."

"Don' know about that."

Oh fuck... "Why not? What do you mean?" If he still plans on LEAVING--

"I believe this would be what they call... 'make-up sex.' The kind you have after a big fight. So if you wanna have it again, we gotta have another fight."

She relaxed a little. "Oh. Um... we fight all the time, though? So...?"

He kissed her nose this time. "Not like that, we don't."

She smiled shyly. "I, um... I actually have wanted you to do that for a long time."

"Do what? Break up with you?"

She whacked his arm. "Of course not! I mean have sex like that. Where you don't ask me a hundred times if I'm okay--"

"I don't ever ask you--"

"--and you go all slow to make sure I'm ready. Like... fuck that. -Fuck that and just fuck me! Ha!"

He groaned and dropped his head again. "I still don't really like that word."

"I know. Mr. Romantic. But it's not bad -- it's still me and you. Y'know?"

"Mm. Well, it's definitely what that was, this time..."

She started stroking his hair. "I like it the other way, too, don't get me wrong. All slow and stuff? That's still awesome. I pretty much like it... any which way. As long as it's with you."

"Sweet girl." He sighed contentedly... but then he said, "What the hell are we doin'?"

"Loving each other," Ellie answered. "Duh!"

"We have shit to talk about, though."

"Noooooooo," she protested. "I'm tired of talking. We've been talking for hours -- I'm all talked out. Hear how hoarse my voice is? Yours is, too!"

"Mm."

"It takes a lot of talking to get so hoarse. Just rest for a few minutes... and then we can start kissing and stuff and have more sex!"

"Put it in soft," he mumbled.

"What?"

"Except it's already in..."

She realized what he was referring to. "Oh my God, are you ever going to stop giving me shit about that?"

"Nope. It was too cute." Despite her protests, he did ease out of her. Pulled away and sat up, even. Ellie made no move to do the same. He glanced at her while he zipped up his fly. "You should get dressed, too."

No, I need to just lay here and help the fishies swim up the canal, Joel! "Nah, I'm good." She arched her back a little... lifted her butt...

He chuckled. "You're just gonna... lay there, with your legs... like that?"

"What, spread wide open? Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe you'll get all turned on again..." We need to have a LOT more sex... just in case... She tried to give him a sultry look... but then she had to ruin it by giggling.

"You are sexy as hell," he told her (wearing quite the sexy-as-hell smile himself). He leaned down and kissed her... but then gathered her in his arms and tugged her upright. "We do need to talk, though. Come on."

"I can talk with my pants pulled down."

"Well, I can't. Way too distractin'."

"Even though you just got off?"

"Even though. Yes."

"Fine." She wriggled her jeans and underwear back into their proper position. "Happy now?"

"Yes, thank you."

She draped herself over him and leaned in to tickle his ear with her breath. "I'd much rather do other stuff, besides talking..."

"I know. Later, all right? ...Damn, if I thought your hormones were runnin' wild before... I'm in for it now."

She felt a twinge of guilt -- the first of many she'd soon be feeling, presumably. Every time Joel innocently referenced her big lie. "Can we lay down, though? Like we used to when we slept in here? For old times' sake."

"Or we could just go in the house," he suggested.

"No, it's cozy out here. Look, we can even put our backpacks on the floor here like we used to." To extend the seat a little and create a bigger 'bed' to lay on.

"All right."

They got cozy again, with Joel insisting that she take the cushier inside spot... but Ellie was half on top of him anyways to help him fit better on the seat. This is pretty good for the swimmers, I guess? Except the angle was better before, when he wasn't propping me up like this... whatever. That was another reason to lie down: it would be easier to avoid eye contact this way. If she was afraid of him calling her out on the lie before... she was absolutely terrified of that now. He can never know!

Joel squeezed her. "If I had known you were pregnant..."

"I know."

"You don't even know what I was gonna say," he chuckled.

"You were gonna say you wouldn't have left. It's not your fault! There's no way you could've known."

"Why didn't you just tell me last night? Tommy an' Maria were doin' their best to separate us, I know, but... when we said good night?" His tone was way more conversational now, thankfully. Like he just sincerely wanted to know.

"Trust me -- if I had known you were gonna leave? I definitely would've told you." If I'd thought up the lie in time! "But we were all freaked out about everything, and like... I didn't wanna add one more thing to the mess, you know? I didn't think there was a hurry... and it didn't even feel real." Because it's not! "I dunno. Plus... I hadn't quite worked out yet how I wanted to tell you, considering what happened... and knowing you wouldn't be happy about it..."

He started idly stroking her arm. "How do you feel about it?"

He's worried about ME? ...Of course he is. Fuck... "I... want to be happy about it?" I just wish it were true! It was hard to feel happy about what she was doing...

"But you ain't."

"Only because you're not happy." That sounded legit. "I know this is the last thing you wanted."

"You're wrong. It's pretty low on the list, but there are far worse things."

"Totally," she agreed. "Like you leaving me." She jabbed him in the chest with each word.

"I didn't want to. God how I didn't want to."

"But you did it." Which proved one thing Ellie had known all along: she loved Joel more than he loved her. Because she was incapable of leaving him!

"I know you don't believe me, but it was for you. You would be better off without--"

"Noooo! Don't say that! I will never believe that, Joel. If you say it a hundred million times, it won't be true."

"Well. Things are different now. I told you once that I wouldn't make you... deal with this... on your own."

That's what I was afraid of... he just wants to DEAL with it! "And I told you that I'm not killing our baby. I don't care what you say." But if I don't get pregnant soon from the copious amounts of sex I'm going to make you have with me? I'll have to kill our FAKE baby...

When she had made the decision to tell this huge lie, she'd been so desperate to keep Joel with her that she hadn't exactly thought it all the way through. She'd thought about it only long enough to conclude that it was do-able: she would get her period when it was time -- which would be next week, if it came on schedule -- and then it would be bye-bye baby. She would 'freak out' about finding blood in her underwear -- except... shit, I can't be with Joel when that happens or he'll rush me right to the clinic! ...Right? Even if he doesn't want the baby, he does love ME... he'd probably want to make sure I'm okay... Would they be able to tell she had never been pregnant? She felt like that was something they might be able to tell, even without a bunch of fancy equipment and crap. How much blood should come out... would it look like a suspiciously small amount? Okay, so I definitely won't be with Joel when it "happens"... maybe I can research in the library first... wait, are we even going back to Jackson? If we're NOT going, then... okay, no problem, no doctors around so that's that. And maybe I can tell him I wanna be alone so he doesn't notice that I keep bleeding for days afterwards. -No, FUCK, that's too risky cuz he might decide to leave again without the baby to keep him around... that's the biggest problem with this plan! It's VERY short-term. I can hide the continuous bleeding... I don't think he'll be trying to have sex with me... -no, of course he won't, cuz I'll tell him I'm in pain. It probably hurts, right? Yeah... or, if it doesn't, Joel wouldn't know any better -- not like HE'S ever had a miscarriage -- so whatever I say goes. Hmm, maybe I should stay pregnant for another month, instead of losing it as soon as next week? I could do that! Again, if I say I'm feeling crappy, he won't wanna have sex, so I can hide my period... that would give us a whole extra month to get pregnant for real! Anyway, I just have to make sure he knows how important he is to me, that I would die without him, that he absolutely CANNOT ever leave me again under any circumstances--

"Ellie?"

She suddenly realized Joel was expecting a reply from her. "Oh -- sorry! What did you say?"

"You ain't fallin' asleep on me, are you?"

"No... I guess I got a little... spacey for a second?" Is that a pregnancy symptom?! She needed to pore over her memories from the early weeks of Maria's pregnancy for clues on how to act. But she'd also mix it up a little -- people's experiences were different, after all.

"You didn't eat before when you said you were hungry. Let's get you some--"

"No no no, don't get up -- I'm good! I'm not hungry. In fact, I'm... un-hungry. I don't think I can eat right now."

"All right. Just let me know when you feel like you could eat somethin'. Even if you ain't that hungry. You need to eat."

Ellie smiled to herself; she knew Joel would be an attentive daddy-to-be. Only he's not GOING to be a daddy... uugghh! Another stab of guilt. No, no -- it's okay -- no need to feel guilty when he doesn't want to be one anyway! ...Which made her wonder... "So... why do you want me to eat?"

" 'Cause... you need to?"

"I need to? Or the baby needs to?"

"...Both? Or... maybe just you, right now. You ain't that far along... I think most women don't even find out they're pregnant 'til after they miss a period, so I reckon it ain't all that important yet, this early. But you need to be as healthy as possible anyhow, since we do know nice'n'early. It can't hurt."

"Okay, but... you are thinking about stuff like... doing what's best for the baby?"

"Of course."

Ellie didn't see this as an 'of course' situation, from Joel's point of view. "What do you mean 'of course'? You don't even want it."

Joel chuckled. "That's right -- you were spacin' out while I was talkin'. I said I would never ask you to get an abortion, since you feel so strongly against it."

"Okay... yeah, you mentioned that before, too... I'm against it because it's your baby. If it wasn't, then... I dunno. That's tougher. And it is yours. I haven't been with anyone else."

"I know that." He sounded somewhat insulted.

"Okay, good." It must suck to be a guy... like, how do you ever know FOR SURE, right?! Ellie was fully aware of how much power she had over him right now -- she could lie her ass off, and he just kind of had to believe it. Ugh, which is exactly what I'm-- WELL, ONLY BECAUSE HE'S MAKING ME!

She was going to have to try to stop beating herself up over it. Joel had given her no choice. In the end, everything would work out the way he wanted it to anyway, so no harm done. He would be relieved, and she would 'grieve' until... until it feels safe not to?

Just... she wished they didn't have to talk about the baby now as if it were actually happening, but there was no way out of that. It wouldn't make sense for them to just carry on like nothing had changed... like they had no plans to make. She was going to have to 'get in character' and stay there -- no way around that.

That's it! -it's a game... I'll be playing the part of the pregnant girlfriend... no safe word allowed! Joel would be playing himself, without realizing he could invoke the fucking safe word and end the whole thing. Which, unfortunately, he would do in a heartbeat if given the choice. Right -- back to the abortion thing -- "But that doesn't mean you don't wish I would have an abortion. Right?"

Joel shifted around a little, then decided to just sit up -- taking her with him. "I can't talk to you about this when I can't even see your face," he explained.

Damn! That was one of the reasons I wanted to lie down! Hopefully she was too far along the road of deception to fuck things up now. Already she felt like it was getting easier to sustain this -- now that she was thinking of it like one of their roleplaying games. Just good harmless fun, everyone goes back to normal soon enough...

He ended up leaning partly against the side and partly against the back, with their legs all jumbled up together cozily and his arm across her shoulders. But that lasted all of fifteen seconds. "Let's just go inside, yeah?" he suggested. "I think it's fair to say we ain't leavin' any time soon. No need to sit out here. ...And you finally got your wish."

"My wish?" My wish for this to all be TRUE is... status unknown!

"You've been wantin' to have sex in the back seat since--"

"Oh, that. Yeah... okay... but I didn't come, so..."

"Can't have that," he said lightly. "Guess we'll have to do it again."

"Yes! Like... right now?" she grinned.

"Give the old man a chance to recover, wouldja? Damn."

"You've had all kinds of recovery time!"

"...If by 'all kinds,' you mean a couple of minutes... I gotta say--"

"Okay, fine. Later, then. I'm holding you to that." And if I can get him to have sex in the house, too... She climbed out of the back and extended her hand to Joel to 'help' him out. As if he needed it.

He did take her hand, smirking a little (he seemed to think simple common courtesy was cute) -- but then proceeded to load himself up with his bag, plus hers, plus all of his gear. He even took the extra jug of water they'd been keeping in the jeep for emergencies ("it's like we predicted this was gonna happen")... and he wouldn't let her carry a single thing inside.

"You know I'm not suddenly helpless, right?" she teased.

"I do know that. I also know you didn't mind me bein' chivalrous before, as far as carryin' things, so..."

"So now you're gonna go overboard. Got it. Since I know it makes you happy, I don't mind at all. As long as you let me get the door..."

"I'm thinkin' you really won't mind in your third trimester. You'll be carryin' a load everywhere you go. And sure, you can get the door. But I'm still goin' in first. I didn't actually check things out when I got here."

Ellie hadn't seen Maria in her third trimester, but she had heard that it could get really uncomfortable. Good thing I won't actually have to-- aaaggghhhh, no, NOT a good thing... this needs to fucking HAPPEN now! Anyway -- she felt very confident that no one was in the house. "Don't you think if anyone was actually here, they would've heard us arguing and fucking and all that?"

"Prob'ly. I'd be shocked as hell to find someone here. But I still--"

"You have to check. Yeah, I know. I'm going with you, though!"

He didn't argue, possibly because his gut had already told him the place was clear. They walked through the long, covered walkway that connected the garage to the house (Joel speculated the home owner had gotten tired of shoveling snow off of it), and he graciously allowed Ellie to open the front door. He deposited their loot in the living room, and she followed him through the house, which had a cozy feel to it, even though it was two stories (and thus, big). Joel had a funny little smile on his face after checking the last bedroom.

"What are you thinking?" she asked, hoping it was sex-related even though she was pretty sure it wasn't.

He gathered her in his arms. "I'm thinkin'... we need to move. Our house is too damn small."

"Oh." No, we really DON'T-- But Ellie was going to have to stop having thoughts like that if she wanted this lie to work! "Not right away, though, right? I love our house."

"I think we should do it sooner rather than later. That'll give us enough time to baby-proof the new place as much as possible."

"Baby-proof it? Like making sure it's clean and stuff?" She frowned. He's thinking about all that already? ...OF COURSE HE IS.

"Makin' it safe, mainly. Locks on the cabinets... that dresser will definitely need to be fixed to the wall, if we keep it -- those can fall on kids if they try to climb on 'em... things like that." He kissed her nose. "Don't worry, I'll take care of all that. It's the least I can do while you're doin' the hard work of growin' the kid."

She wanted to cry -- again. She tried to bury her face in his chest, but he didn't let her this time.

"Hey hey hey... stop hidin' on me. What is it?" He cupped her face in his hands.

She swallowed the lump in her throat before speaking. "I just... I don't get it. You don't even want this kid. I... guess I thought you were gonna try to convince me to get an abortion. I know you said you wouldn't make me, but... I thought..."

"Let's talk about this downstairs. Can you just try to eat a little somethin'? If you ain't feelin' nauseous no more..."

"Um... sure. Maybe I could nibble on some of that jerky you brought." That would give her something to fidget with... and if she needed to buy a minute to think, she could just bite off a little chunk of it before Joel finished his question or comment or whatever and it wouldn't look suspicious.

They ended up taking the jerky out to the love-seat-sized porch swing, because the air outside was fresher (he actually seemed concerned about her breathing in musty air). The swing was on the verge of being too squeaky to bear, but Joel promised he'd try to keep it steady enough that it wouldn't annoy her. He didn't say anything right away. Just watched her eat.

Well, that's not gonna work if I need to hide behind the food! Although he wasn't staring; he was keeping an eye out as well. She liked the way he tenderly tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, even if she maybe possibly miiiight have been planning on hiding behind that hair... he's being his usual sweet self again!

She enjoyed just sitting there with him quietly... but broke the silence after a few bites. "Okay, so... ... ..."

"I'm still processin' it. I don't have all the answers... I do know that I don't want you to get an abortion."

"You don't?" She had already figured that, based on how he was acting, but she didn't know what to make of it!

"Nope."

It was definitely one step up from him not 'making' her get an abortion. He doesn't want me to get one, either! ...Why not? "But you also don't want the baby. I'm not gonna have it and give it away..."

"Don't want that, either."

Obviously, or he wouldn't be talking about MOVING and all... "Okay...? So..."

"I am a little old to father a child--"

"No you're not!"

"--but... the more I think about it now... maybe things worked out this way for a reason."

"What way?"

"You gettin' pregnant right now. You find out the very day I decide I need to leave? And then... I do leave, but somethin' stops me from goin' very far... and you find me out here right away. If that ain't the universe tellin' me not to go... I don' know what is."

She swatted his chest. "Why does the universe have to tell you? I would've told you myself if you'd bothered to ask my opinion!"

He smiled. "Yes, but it wouldn't've mattered because... one of the big reasons for me goin' was so as not to tie you down to an old man--"

"I wasn't tied!"

"--who couldn't give you the family you deserve to have someday. Well, guess what: I already did, I just didn't know it. And it happened... way faster than it should have." He looked at her soberly. "I am so sorry. I should've been more careful."

Awww! He's just... UUGGGHHHH...

"I'm pretty sure I know when it happened," he continued. "It was that time in the wagon. With all the bricks. It was hard to move around good and I think I... miscalculated. I must have. I actually had a feelin' about it, at the time. I don' know how to describe it 'cause I don't think there's such a thing as men's intuition."

Ellie was grateful for whatever the fuck it was, since it fed so nicely into her lie! Joel was totally buying this now. She smiled. "Yeah, I bet that's when it happened. I kind of had a feeling, too... I just didn't say anything cuz I didn't want you to worry about it, if it turned out to be nothing. I think your men's intuition was right!"

"I'm sorry I--"

"Stop with the apologies -- don't be sorry! Like you said... this was supposed to happen! If it didn't, then... you would've just left, and we'd both be miserable for the rest of our lives!"

"That ain't true. But things would've been rough, for sure. I am so glad you came after me. Thank you, for that. And for tellin' me. The way I was talkin' to you earlier... couldn't blame you if you never even wanted me to know, after all that."

"Pfff. That wasn't the real you. I know you, Joel. So... you are glad that you know. Even though it fucked up your plans."

"Yes. Thank you for fuckin' 'em up."

He sounds so sincere! ...Of course -- because he's being real now. He didn't know it was just a game... Joel doesn't play games -- not like that. If the tables were turned, she couldn't imagine him doing what she was doing. But before she could kick herself for it again, thoughts of Salt Lake City blocked the blow; it wasn't like Joel had never told her a huge lie because he felt he had no choice! And while she wished he'd been honest with her, she had to admit it had probably worked out for the best in the end. This will, too... "So, you're glad, even though you... don't want the baby?" she asked in a small voice. She kept pushing this -- because she still didn't get it.

He had to chew on his words for a few moments. "How do I say it. I had to... withdraw from you... cut myself off, in order to go through with leavin'. I mean... you noticed how different I was earlier."

"Totally different," she agreed.

"I thought I made the best decision possible. I had to... do right by you."

"That's a load of--"

"I know, I know. ...I know you think so," he clarified.

"Making me miserable forever is not doing right by me!"

"It was more of a... be-cruel-to-be-kind thing." He chuckled. "Which, come to think of it, we were on different sides with the Clicker situation, too, weren't we."

"Hey, yeah -- you wanted me to be mean and stop being friends with him so he could get over me!" She swatted him again, harder this time. "I should've fucking predicted that you would do this!"

He laughed. "Guess so. But now... I don' know. Tommy might disagree with me on this still--"

"Fuck Tommy, Joel! Seriously!"

"Tch, this ain't Tommy's fault. Just listen, all right? He might say I've done enough damage, I should still go, he an' Maria will take care of you an' the baby and you'll all be one big happy family an' things will work out great for you in the long run. But I... can't do that. I can't... abandon my child. There's no choice to be made anymore, as far as... do I leave you or not. Just... no."

Ellie had the very odd sensation of feeling extremely elated, extremely sad, and extremely guilty, all at the same time: He's going to stay with me -- awesome! So... he's totally fine with abandoning ME, just not his child? And he doesn't even know it's not real... what about when there IS no child anymore? OH GOD PLEASE LET ME GET PREGNANT FOR REAL! Now she didn't even have to feel guilty for that wish -- Joel almost kinda sorta WANTS to have a baby with me... he is definitely happier right now than he was earlier...

"Are you gonna cry on me again?" he teased. "Guess I should get used to the waterworks for a while."

She rolled her eyes and wiped the tears away before they could escape. "Okay, so you can't abandon it. But that--"

"Hang on. 'It'? Don't you know if we're havin' a boy or a girl? You called the last one right. You must be an expert at this."

Aaaaahhhhh-- this was the sort of shit she wanted to enjoy with Joel if she really did get pregnant someday. And she was ruining all that, because after they 'lost' this baby... okay, whatever, I have to play along... fuck fuck fuck okay so what would be less mean, a boy or a girl? A boy, I guess? Cuz he's already lost a girl? No, it's okay -- he doesn't even totally want this one -- and duh, I don't HAVE to give it a gender...

There was no rule that said she had to magically know the baby's gender, just because she'd guessed right with Maria. If I can preserve some of this for when I really DO get pregnant someday... because she was starting to want this really bad now. It's fucked up, I know, but I WISH IT WAS TRUE -- and not just so that Joel would have to stay with her. She wanted to have a baby now, with him -- she wanted to be having these conversations for real and not just as part of some crazy game he didn't even realize he was participating in!

But, the timing wasn't good, of course... she needed to be eighteen for Joel to truly be cool with it. Maybe I can use this to just get him warmed up to the idea... he already doesn't seem to hate it, at least? She smirked at him. "I just thought really hard about it right now, aaaaaand... ... -it's too soon to tell. Sorry! It's going to be an it for a while." Like, FOREVER, unless it magically becomes real... SWIM, little spermies, fucking SWIM!

"All right. Sorry to derail you. You were sayin'?"

"Um... what was I saying... oh -- that just because you can't abandon it, that's not the same thing as... actually wanting it. Right? I don't want you to be miserable... or feel like you're stuck with me... and with it."

He drew her to his side and kissed her temple. "Ohhh baby girl. I've never felt like I was stuck with you, and I never will. -Not countin' the first day or two after we met," he added when he saw she was about to call bullshit on that. "And this baby..."

To her surprise, he looked like he was getting a little choked up. What the fuck? "Aww, what is it?"

He cleared his throat, and his voice sounded normal when he spoke. "I don' know. It's just... I love you. And... it's a miracle, when you think about it... we made a baby. A whole new human being. Half you, half me. With any luck, it'll take after you more than me, so hopefully not quite half'n'half."

She giggled softly, legit forgetting for a second that none of this was real.

"I should rephrase... you're makin' it into a baby now. It ain't quite there yet."

"But you started it off!" she added fondly. She kissed his cheek, even, because he was being so cute right now.

"Sure -- that's the easy part. Anyway... I was thinkin'... I want to want this baby. I thought that's how I felt -- that I didn't want kids -- but... shit. The more we talk about it... this kid has rescued me from a life -- a future -- without my baby girl. How could I not want it?"

That was too much for Ellie. There was no hiding behind her food, or Joel's shirt -- she promptly burst into tears. Tears that Joel no doubt assumed were happy... but at best, they were bittersweet.

What the fuck have I gotten us into now and what am I gonna do about it?!

~Continue to Chapter 40~

"Singularity" Chapter 38: "Wheels" [38/49]

2022-07-20T13:05:54Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 38: "Wheels" [38/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,637
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Joel didn't lower the pistol immediately, although he did un-train it on its frozen target. "Get in here," he barked at Ellie, even though he half thought he was hallucinating from being tired and... out of sorts? ...whatever the hell he was today. "Someone chasin' you?"

"No!" she panted. "I was just -- running -- to the jeep --"

Now he lowered it -- holstered it, even -- and she clambered into the passenger seat.

She looks real enough... "What the hell are you doin' here?" he snarled. How long did I doze off for? Jesus... There was no way Ellie should have been able to track him down so fast. Or at all, if no one let her out. Who the hell let her out?! He should have known better than to trust Tommy's assurances.

She unloaded her backpack on the floor by her feet and settled herself sideways, facing him, one leg curled beneath her. Her hair was as messy and tangled as he'd ever seen it, un-ponytailed and wind-blown. She didn't answer him, but she was still catching her breath...

And goddamnit-- "Where's your gun?"

She smiled, seemingly unaffected by all his surliness. "In my bag," she replied -- breath caught at last. "I was kind of in a hurry."

That was a piss-poor excuse if Joel ever heard one. "Too much of a hurry to keep your gun handy?"

She shrugged. "I knew I wouldn't need it. You just came through here yourself, see, so I knew it would be clear."

"Bullshit. I've been here a little while -- someone could've come through after me. They'd've spotted an easy mark in you, unarmed... not even payin' attention to her surroundings..."

"I was! And I am armed. I could've pulled my gun out in two seconds if I had to."
"Which might've been--"

"Two seconds too late," she finished with him, laughing softly. "Yeah yeah, I know. If I had known you were here, I would've stopped and put my fucking holster belt on just to spare you the trouble of lecturing me. And I would've come up the driveway from the street so you could see it was me instead of coming around the corner and startling the shit out of you like that. Sorry!"

She hadn't exactly startled the shit out of him, as her running approach certainly had not been silent and had given him ample time to un-recline himself and ready a gun, but he sure hadn't been expecting to find that the source of the noise was her. Joel had to accept that despite Tommy's promises to keep her safe, Ellie was indeed here in the flesh. "What the hell are you doin' here?" he asked her again.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No. They weren't s'posed to let you out."

"Yeah, well, if I want something bad enough, I make it happen," Ellie declared, looking quite pleased with herself. "And I didn't even have to kill anyone!"

...How in tarnation did she do it? But, curiosity aside, it didn't matter-- "Well, you wasted your time. I'm takin' you back."

"Oh no you're not! Not unless you're coming in with me!"

Joel had the keys in the ignition already; he started up the jeep.

"I will jump out of this car right now, Joel! I swear I will!"

"No you won't. Not after comin' all this way to find me."

"Yes I will! Cuz I know you're not gonna just... take off and leave me here by myself."

Joel sighed. "My plan wasn't to sit here all day." He should've been gone already, but upon taking a break to rest, his eyelids had decided they didn't want to stay open... and since he hadn't realized there was any hurry, he'd indulged the fuckers. If he had known Ellie was practically right on his heels...

"I'll go with you. Wherever you wanna go. But... I mean... you left without me, so I think we need to talk about that first?"

Joel turned the engine off and scowled at her. "Yes -- I left without you. You know why? Because I don't want you comin' with me."

"That's a lie. You can't scare me off with your tough guy bullshit, and you're not fooling me with this... act. Like you're pissed at me for following you. Pffff! You're not. You love me. You're glad I found you."

He could let her talk... let the words go in one ear and out the other, if he had to... but when she reached for him, he had to push her back. "Ellie, don't."

"Don't what? Don't touch you? Yeah, because you just hate it when I do that."

She might think it was an act on his part, but she was truly irritating him now. "Maybe Tommy didn't explain this to you--"

"Oh, he explained plenty! He fed me a heaping pile of horseshit. I know this is all his fault. Don't worry -- I'm not mad at you."

Joel snorted. "It was my decision to go. Don't blame Tommy."

"He fucking made you leave! Of course I blame Tommy!"

"He didn't make me. If anythin', he shook some sense into me."

"Uh, no he didn't. More like he brainwashed you." She reached for his hand.

"Ellie, if you keep tryin' to touch me--"

"Okay, sorry, sorry -- maybe we should go sit in the house?"

"This is fine right here. ...You shouldn't even be here. You were not s'posed to follow me."

"Yeah, well, you weren't supposed to leave me, either. But it's okay -- like I said, I'm not mad. It's Tommy's fault. He took advantage of you."

Christ... "He took advantage of me? That is the dumbest--"

"No, listen! He did! That's why you didn't stand up to him when he was saying all that stupid shit yesterday! Because you still feel guilty about us, even though--"

"I feel guilty because it's wrong. We are wrong. You an' me. We never should've gotten romantically involved."

"Pffff, you don't mean that. We belong together and you know it. I don't even mean the romance part -- we just belong together. Period."

He used to believe that. How can I make her understand? "Maybe we did at one time. But not anymore. And that's on me. We could've stayed together, with the kind of relationship we were supposed to have -- the kind we did have -- 'til I messed that--"

"You didn't mess up anything! We changed things -- together -- because we both wanted to!"

"And how many times have we had this argument? You're a kid, I'm an adult. It was my responsibility--"

"I'm not a kid, and stop acting like everything is your fault! Fuck -- it's not even a... fault thing. That makes it sound bad."

"That's because it is bad. I ain't gonna go another hundred rounds with you on this." Joel turned the key in the ignition again. "I'm takin' you home."

This time, Ellie did get out of the jeep. "I told you I'm not going back without you!"

"Fine, I'm goin' Inside with you. Now get back in."

Ellie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

"Get back in the car, Ellie."

"I don't believe you."

"Well, we've got the whole ride back for you to change my mind, then. Come on."

"The whole ride won't be that long -- and no. No way! You're gonna drive me back there, push me out at the gate and yell at someone there to come get me, and drive off so fast I can't run after you -- then they're gonna take me back to Tommy and he's gonna handcuff me to the bed -- not in the fun way -- and I'm going to be stuck in that room all day every day for the rest of my life! Like... I'll be lucky if he even gives me a pot to piss in. Is that what you want?"

The girl always did have a flair for the dramatic. Joel was not amused this time. "Ellie, get in the goddamn car. Now!"

"I just told you why I'm not doing that! You're gonna have to tie me to the seat. Oooo, that could be fun..."

Joel shut the engine off again and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Guess we should talk in the house... but damnit, we don't need to have this same conversation for the thousandth time--

She hopped back into her seat. "We don't have to go back to Jackson. Fuck that place! If they don't want us there--"

"It ain't that they don't want us there. It's where you need to be. I'm the one that--"

"Oh, fuck that -- so you're saying I belong there, but you don't?"

"Yes."

"And that's because...?"

"Because you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You need to be around people. You thrive on it -- don't deny that, 'cause I've seen it firsthand. Me, on the other hand--"

"What, you're too old to be around people?"

"...My life is behind me. I've done everything there is to--"

"Joel, shut up, okay? Don't say things like that! It scares me."

Joel was careful not to look at her; he couldn't let her get to him. He wouldn't put it past her to burst into tears on demand if she thought it would force him to comfort her. -It won't, though. I'm done. I said goodbye last night-- I ain't gonna emotionally engage with her here.

"And it's totally not true," she continued. "Remember your song about future days? It's for both of us. Our future."

"That was meant to be... as father'n'daughter. For when we would naturally drift apart as you got older--"

"What? That makes no sense. We were together the first time you sang it to me! I mean we were in love already!"

"Yes but that wasn't how it was intended, at first." ...I don't think, anyway? Hell -- his fatherly feelings for her were still all entangled with the romantic ones. "I never meant that we would... have the same future. You're gonna go on... meet lots of people... get married... have kids..."

She put her hand on his, making him jerk his hand away again. "Sorry -- just -- for fuck's sake, Joel -- I can do that stuff with you!"

"Ohhhh no. No, I'm done with all that. You will go on an' find someone you can grow old with. Not someone who's already--"

"You're not old! Ugh you're impossible!"

"Maybe you stopped thinkin' of me as old... or you're tryin' to stop thinkin' of me that way... but yes I am. Far too old for you. And I'm only gettin' older. You remember that day I messed up my ankle?"

"...Yeah... so? That could've happened to anybody. Any age."

"Do you remember how I treated you? What sort of mood I was in?"

She rolled her eyes. "If you're trying to tell me that because of this one day--"

"What I'm tellin' you is that was a little sneak peek at the future. I'll be old an' decrepit, won't be able to do anythin' without help... and I won't take too kindly to it. I'll be miserable, and I'll make damn sure you're as miserable as I am. You wanna deal with that every day? I don't want that for you."

"Oh my God -- are you serious right now?" she laughed. "That's not going to happen. Unless you're talking like... fifty years from now. Then I'll be old, too, so who cares?"

"Fifty years from now I'll be dead."

She quirked her eyebrow at him. "At... let's see... a hundred and one? Pfff, no way."

"Fine -- say I live to be a hundred an' two. That puts you at... what... sixty-somethin'? -Sixty-seven. You will have wasted your entire life with an old man. And with nothin' to show for it."

"That... would be awesome. When that happens, I'll consider myself lucky to have spent every single minute that I--"

"Knock it off, Ellie. You want kids -- I don't. I'm givin' you the chance to--"

"I never said I wanted kids! ...I don't think?"

She may not have said those exact words, but Joel knew what was in her heart. "I don't mean right this second, but in the future? Yes you do. You've said things... -Or, think back to when we had the pregnancy scare. You said you'd keep the baby."

"That doesn't mean... I mean, yeah, I'm not going to kill our baby -- that doesn't mean I want to have a baby."

"But you do. Someday. And you should be a mom. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mother."

"And you as their father!"

He shook his head. "Nope. Ain't happenin'. Even if I wasn't too old... no. Hell no." He couldn't believe that just yesterday, he had defended the idea of embarking on fatherhood again. It had been real easy for him to slip back into the familiar hell no mindset on that count, at least.

"You're not too old. But -- whatever. So we don't have kids. That's fine! I don't care about having kids -- I just wanna be with you. Like... if we have them, great, if we don't, great. I don't care."

"Maybe it's real easy to say that now, at sixteen--"

"Oh for fuck's sake -- yes, I'm young. I get it. But that's not... you're looking at things all wrong, Joel! You're trying to like... write my future, as if you know everything that's going to happen!"

Maybe he couldn't write it up exactly... but he knew her. Knew how she affected the people around her. Knew what she brought to the world. And he knew that this... this broken heart/betrayal/what-have-you -- this wouldn't break her. "I have a pretty good idea what would happen if I weren't in the picture."

"Oh yeah? I bet you don't. Unless you say that I would be fucking miserable for the rest of my life."

"You won't be. It'll hurt for a while, and I'm sorry about that, but you'll get over it." He didn't sound sorry, to his own ears. He sounded harsh and cold. Like a heartless old bastard. Good -- that's what she needs to see from me right now.

"I won't get over it," she declared. "We've talked about this already! I'll never get over it. You wanna talk about wasting my life? That would do it. I'd be too depressed to do anything. Like Stella did, back home -- I'd mope around for a while and eventually go off and kill myself or something."

Joel refused to even entertain the thought of Ellie doing something like that. "We don't know that that's what she did. But you're a lot stronger than her. You have the... the fortitude of a true survivor. All the shit you've been through in sixteen short years -- none of it's broken you, an' this won't, either. You'll be fine."

Ellie snorted. "This would break me. I'm telling you, Joel -- you think I'm this... wonderful, amazing person, right? ...You know why you think that? Because you've only seen me when I'm with you. You make me that way."

Joel laughed bitterly. "Me? All I've done is hurt you an' screw you up. I can't take any credit for--"

"You haven't hurt me! Or screwed me up!"

Joel had to shift his gaze long enough to shoot her a Look for such an obvious lie.

"I was already fucked up, okay? And you're not the one hurting me right now -- it's fucking Tommy! God, I really hate your brother! Now I get why you didn't talk to him for so many years! Fuck -- that was one of the smartest things you've ever done, separating from him."

He sighed and dropped his gaze again. "I ain't even thinkin' of... this. There's been plenty of times you were hurt by me, or because of me. And Tommy ain't here right now. This is me, causin' you more pain because you're too damn stubborn to listen to reason."

"You're not! I'm--" When she made him jerk away from her yet again, she stuck her hands beneath herself. "Sorry! Sorry, I'll just sit on them so I can't... act on the urge to touch you."

Cute. He wondered how long she would actually sit on them. "Are you really gonna sit there an' tell me that I've never hurt you?"

"Not on purpose, you haven't. And you can't say the same for me! I have hurt you on purpose."

Joel wasn't sure what she was referring to, but he wasn't going to ask for details. "Don't matter if it's on purpose or not. Fact is, it's happened. A lot. I think you've been hurt so much in your life that you think it's normal, but it ain't."

She shook her head so vehemently that he could see it without really looking. "No! You've made me happier than anyone else has -- ever! Plus -- I'm only alive because of you!"

"You nearly died a hundred times over 'cause--"

"Well, then, so did you -- that's life on the Outside!"

"Which is exactly why you need to be Inside--"

"With you!"

"--away from the likes of me. I've hurt you more than you even know." Yep, I think it's time to tell her-- And he had to look at her when he did (he noticed her hands were back in the vicinity of her lap again, no longer suppressed by her butt). "Remember Sacramento? That one's on me."

It took her a second to register this statement, out of the blue as it was. "Uh... what I remember is you saved me and took care of me. It's not your fault you didn't find me right away. You have to stop blaming yourself for that!"

"Ain't talkin' about that." Although if he'd been thinking more clearly, he would have found her right away. Possibly before she even realized what had happened -- and certainly before she'd gotten so sick from the infection in her leg. "You wondered how you managed to get into some place you couldn't get out of. Speculated that someone trapped you in there."

"Yeah -- or, more likely, the hide-out wasn't as stable as I thought it was, and it collapsed. Or part of it did."

"Nope -- it's the first one. It was me that did that. I trapped you in there."

She looked at him blankly. "You... what? You would never--"

"But I did."

"...How?"

"I attacked a hunter with enough C4 on him to shake things up pretty good down there. I'm sure it didn't help that an earthquake had hit at some point an' no repairs ever got made afterwards... but that's the force that made the vendin' machine fall all the way over an' block your path instead of leanin' over it, makin' that triangle doorway you described. I didn't even notice the damn thing wasn't in the same position it was in when we got there -- it was Sophie who noticed that. Two whole days--"

"Joel Joel Joel -- stop -- okay, so... you killed some hunters. Because you knew they were gonna kill me if they found me. You were protecting me! Obviously you didn't know--"

"I didn't know where you were at, yet here I am, lobbin' explosives from above... I should've known there was a chance--"

"Oh my God -- it's still not your fault! You told me to stay with Sophie and I disobeyed you -- you thought I was with Sophie in that truck!"

Joel wouldn't even have counted that as a valid excuse if it had been the case. Because he knew her better than that; she had demonstrated on multiple occasions that she would not do as she was told if she thought she knew better. Especially if she thought he was in danger. But-- "No, I knew you had come over to help me -- I knew you had killed one of 'em, 'cause I heard 'em talkin' -- they were all pissed off, out for blood --"

"Well, whatever -- why would I be across the street from where you were? Across from that building I knew you had gone inside to search?" Ellie had never recovered some of her memories from that time span, so as far as Joel knew, she didn't even know the answer to that herself. "Why would you even think I was over there?!"

"We figured you were runnin' away from--"

"Yeah, after, you figured that. But in the moment--"

"There were hunters on that side. You were helpin' me with the hunters, so obviously there was a chance that you were close to 'em. I should've known better than to take such a stupid risk."

Ellie groaned. "Whatever! But you didn't mean to -- like I said, you've never hurt me on purpose! And I'm totally recovered from that, so--"

"Are you? I don't think you are. You still have panic attacks. Pitch-black places... a bug crawlin' on you..."

"I was having panic attacks before that."

"Not as many. That started 'em up again."

"But I barely have them anymore!"

"You still have nightmares."

"Hardly ever! I think you have more than I do now! And Joel, I know you suffered way more than me during all that. I think it fucked you up more than you let on. But me... I don't even remember it!"

"You remember enough."

"But I was unconscious so much -- the fever and everything -- and... oh! You know what I remember the most? Was how scared I was for you. I had no idea where you were... I knew if you were with me when it happened, then you would've stopped it somehow, or got me out... I thought you must be dead, because I was in there by myself, and I knew you wouldn't leave me alone. If you were dead... then I wanted to be dead, too." Her voice broke a little on that last bit.

Goddamnit... Joel had to look away again. He did remember her asking him several times if he was dead, when she'd had that raging fever... before the antibiotics had kicked in. I can't talk about this shit-- "You should never want that. That's one more reason you'n'me shouldn't be together. It ain't healthy for you to--"

"That is Tommy talking! We're the same, you and me. We love each other so much that we're nothing without the other. That's just the way it is."

"You... will never be nothin'. We are two separate people, Ellie. Separate people who need to go their separate ways." Said with more conviction, now that he'd regained his composure.

"I don't believe that. And neither do you. You're trying to convince yourself, but--"

"I'm tryin' to convince you, because it's the truth. Our time together is done." He even looked her in the eye when he said it.

Ellie was unperturbed as ever. "Nope, not buying it. And you know what? I already know you can look me in the eye and flat out lie to me all the same, so don't think that makes your bullshit any more convincing. You're trying to sound like an asshole and make me get mad at you so that I give up on you, but I won't -- because this isn't you."

Why the hell does she have to be so stubborn?! "I've got news for you: this is the real me. The me that lives in reality an' not up in the clouds -- or out on some beach -- with you. Don't get me wrong -- it was nice while it lasted, but nothin' lasts forever."

Ellie snorted. "Still not buying it. Next you're gonna remind me that eventually, all romantic relationships turn to shit. Right? Isn't that what you used to say?"

Joel didn't remember saying it, but it sounded like something he might have said... might have believed... before he'd been in one with Ellie. And I was right -- I just forgot for a little while, is all. "I didn't want it to end this way. I tried to spare you the--"

"Oh, bullshit! You weren't sparing me -- you were sparing yourself! You were too much of a fucking coward to tell me to my face that you were leaving!"

He wouldn't bother denying that. Does she also know I never would've been able to leave her? As things stood now, after he'd had several hours to steel and strengthen his resolve... to slip back into his old skin... he felt confident that he wouldn't crack. Her hunting him down so quickly had thrown a monkey wrench into things, but he could overcome it. "Maybe I also wanted to spare us both the pointless arguments that would ensue -- like this one."

"So your great plan -- sorry, Tommy's great plan -- was for you to sneak off, assume I wouldn't bother to follow you cuz... gee, not like I care about you or anything... and go... where? Oh, right: to be with another guy and his daughter. Why would you do that to yourself?"

He eyed her suspiciously. "Who says that's where I'm goin'?" I never told Tommy about them...

"Oh -- you mean you all of a sudden like strawberry jam so much you had to take some with you?"

...Right. "Guess I reckoned you two would have bigger things to discuss than the food I took."

"But why are you going there? That little girl is going to either remind you of Sarah or of me, and she already has a dad, so... are you trying to torture yourself? ...You are, aren't you? Is that what this is about? Punishing yourself?"

He hadn't thought of it that way, exactly... the punishment thing was more of a bonus rather than a reason -- and he wasn't sure he would even classify it that way. "They could use my help... and they could use this jeep. Two against the world is a rough deal... as you well know."

"So you figured you'd make it three. Except then there's that whole third wheel thing... I like that expression. Two wheels works out okay, and four wheels works out fine too, but three just fucks everything up. ...Unless you're talking about a tricycle, but you have to forget that image or it doesn't work. We're talking about just a normal... rectangular thing."

The tricycle thing was just... classic Ellie. The way she looks at things... "Who says it can't be a tricycle?"

"It's just not, okay? It's not a... triangular shape. So you either have two wheels or you have four. Or more, I guess... like on those big-ass trucks... you just can't have an odd number like three."

Fine-- "It wouldn't be like that. They'd be the two wheels, and I'd be more like... a spare."

For some reason, that silenced her for a few long moments. Am I finally getting somewhere with her? About damn time. Gotta stay on guard, though--

"That's so sad," she finally said quietly. "Do you really think... that's all your life is worth? Just..."

"What my life is worth is a whole 'nother debate. But I can't help thinkin' that we met them for a reason. He's an outcast, I'm an outcast. We both have--"

"You're not an outcast!"

"--young girls we care about, only his relationship is pure an' good, like mine used to be until I shot it all to hell. Even that little girl's name -- Karma. Is that a sign or what?"

"Young woman, in your case," she corrected him. "And ours is pure and good! It's--"

He cut her off with a bitter laugh. "Us? Pure an' good? What universe are you livin' in?"

She almost touched him again, but caught herself this time. "Joel, listen -- if that's what you want? If you wanna go help them? I'll go, too -- I'll be the fourth wheel that makes things run smooth!"

Nope, we ain't going nowhere yet in this conversation. Just spinning our wheels in the mud... spraying dirt all over... how can I pull us up out of this rut? "That ain't what you want."

"Yes it is! I fucking hate Jackson now. And that was really nice, spending time with them -- with Karma and Paul. I liked it too, you know."

"You may have liked it fine for a couple days, but we were father'n'daughter with them, remember?" And now Joel knew why he had enjoyed those days so much: his soul had felt like it was finally at peace. Sure, he'd missed being with Ellie in the romantic sense, but... it had also felt good. Good to do right by her. And it will again, if I can get her to--

"If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do!" Ellie declared cheerfully. "We'll be father and daughter again. Done!"

Joel snorted. "Even if that was possible, you wouldn't be happy with that."

"Yes I would! And it is possible! Joel -- if you wanna go back to Jackson and do it there? I would do that, too."

"You just said you hate Jackson," he pointed out (although he knew she didn't even mean it).
"I don't care -- I just want to be with you. Wherever you are, in whatever way you want me to be. I'll do it! I can be just your daughter. Whatever you want."

He scowled. "You shouldn't say things like that. You shouldn't wanna just... be whatever I want you to be. Don't give me that kind of power over you. Over your life."

"But I'm telling you -- it's more important to me to be with you," she said earnestly. "Period. That's the most important thing in the world. Nothing else matters!"

"Mm. Remember that night you left 'cause... I said we couldn't be together the way you wanted? And we couldn't even hug, or cuddle on the couch... you said you couldn't stand it, so--"

"Ugh -- but then don't you remember after that, when I told you I was fine with it because I care about you and that's the only thing that matters? I wasn't going to make you sleep in the bed with me anymore, even."

It was cute that she still thought of it as her making him sleep there. Like he was doing her a favor. No -- thinking about her being CUTE ain't conducive to ending this, so I'd better knock that off. "You only said that 'cause you knew I was about to kiss you. You knew I wasn't gonna hold you to it."

She laughed. "How could I possibly know that? And ha -- you do remember it!"

Yes, that had been the point of no return, right there... that first kiss. If only he hadn't been so goddamn weak. He could've weaned her off even the innocent affection, focused her attentions away from him... she would've gotten over him eventually. Because she had been willing to compromise. Hell -- not just compromise, but completely play things his way.

The problem with that, though...

She just has a knack for turning MY way into HER way... I CANNOT let that happen again...

"See, we were apart for a little while then, and I learned my lesson," she continued. "So now -- today -- we were apart again, and I learned--"

"We were only apart for a few hours this time, Ellie," he pointed out. "Less than we are on a day we both work."

"Well -- it feels like it's been longer, doesn't it? I mean... somehow you got really far away in such a short period of time. ...And I'm not just talking about the trek over here, to the jeep." Her voice had gotten a little quieter.

What he could feel was her silent desperation... but he wasn't going to let it affect him. If he kept this up long enough, she would eventually slip into her old skin, too -- the one she'd started to put on the first time he planned on ditching her. The one he'd seen her wearing when she left on that night he rejected her. She would harden herself to him. That wasn't what he wanted his last memory of her to be, but... so be it.

She sneaked her hand onto his knee, tentatively... like she expected him to shake it off... but he didn't this time. I'll show her it makes no difference if she touches me or not.

"We're closer than this, Joel. You've put up this wall... but I'll find my way over it again. Or... through it. Or under it. Whatever I have to do. If you would just quit telling yourself that you're bad and I'm good... the truth is, we're good together and bad apart. You think you've ruined my life... or that you will ruin it..."

"I will if you let me. So I ain't gonna let you let me."

She groaned. "Fuck, if you wanna look at it like that--"

"That's the way it is. I'm tellin' you." Not that he expected her to believe him. He just wished like hell that she would take his word on something, for once, instead of being so goddamn stubborn.

"Pfffffffffffffff. ...Okay, I'll make you a deal. If you give up this stupid idea that you have to leave me ~for my own good~, I promise that if you feel this way in ten years, I'll let you go. I won't give you any shit for it. I'll be twenty-six, so I'll still have tons of time to have kids if that's more important to me than being with you -- which, I can tell you right now, it won't be, but your stupid brain doesn't want to accept that answer -- and you don't have to feel bad about... wasting my good years or whatever bullshit--"

"You can say that right now 'cause you can't even imagine bein' twenty-six," he interrupted, gently removing her hand from his knee at last. "It's so far off in the future that it's never gonna happen, in your mind. But you're missin' the point. The kids thing was only part of it. You've still got a lot of growin' up to do yet."

"Less than two years! If you wanna wait 'til I'm eighteen to do the sex stuff again, that's totally fine with me!"

"...You'd be fine with it," he repeated dubiously. Sure... just like we can be father and daughter again, no sweat...

"Yes! Like I said -- whatever you want! I meant it, Joel."

Ha! Yeah, I can see how that would go. We'd be right back where we are now. ...Or where we were yesterday, more like. "You don't stop growin' at eighteen. Physically, sure... you might already be done with that part, for all we know. But mentally... emotionally... you've got at least a few years to go beyond eighteen before you really--"

"What the fuck?" she cut in. "This whole time you've said eighteen is the magic number! Suddenly it's like-- adulthood is a moving target?!"

He almost chuckled at that. She was so damn peeved at the thought... and rightfully so, after all the weight he'd put on the number eighteen. "In some ways. Anyone under thirty is still really just a kid."

"Uuuggghhh!" She flopped against the back of her seat dramatically. "That's just not right. You made that shit up! There's no law that says you have to be thirty to be a real grown-up!"

"Nope. Just old people like me who think that way 'cause we know people in their twenties still do a lot of stupid shit."

She turned towards him again. "Well, I won't! I'm mature, remember? I stopped doing stupid shit even before my twenties!"

"...I ain't even gonna go there. But you know I have a good argument on that one."

She smiled sheepishly. "Well... not since I turned sixteen, anyway? I mean... unless you count, like... leaving the door unlocked yesterday. And then being loud. Two stupid things."

He couldn't look at her when she was smiling like that. He might... forget. "Point is, you ain't gonna really come into your own unless I ain't around to hold you back. I know you don't see it that way, 'cause you're young and you don' know any better--"

"And you do?!" she retorted.

"Yes. Bein' older an' wiser."

"But -- that doesn't -- that's just -- ...ugghhh. Like... what do you expect me to fucking morph into, that I'm only gonna do if you're not there? Cuz... that would not go how you're expecting it to. You can't just... break a person's heart into a zillion pieces and think they're going to go on and do great things, like nothing happened!"

Yes I can -- because you WILL do great things. He was certain of that. "Happens all the time. It'll make you stronger."

"No -- that's just more bullshit you like to tell yourself. I'm a much better person when I'm happy, and you make me happy... see the logic there?" She rested her hand on his knee again. "You're acting like you keep me locked up and I never see anyone else or do stuff with people besides you. And you don't, at all -- you're always encouraging me to be with my friends, and I don't just follow you around your boring construction jobs all the time -- I do my own stuff. At the farm, and the library--"

"Yes, you do all that. But most of your free time, you're with me."

"Because I want to be, silly! Because you're my boyfriend. Everything is better when I'm with you. Why would I want to be with-- oh!" Apparently, new inspiration had struck her. "So, you're dumping me because you want me to be with another guy, instead. Is that right?"

Christ... keep cool, though... "I wouldn't say that's the singular reason, but yes, I want you to meet a... a nice boy--"

"Right! But -- like you're always telling me -- most younger guys are like... evil scumbags who only think about sex. You have this fantasy about me finding someone good, but pfffff. I'm more likely to find a Shelby. Someone who pretends to be sweet but then--"

"I'm trustin' Tommy an' Maria to look out for you an' make sure the guy's good enough for you." He really needed to shut down this angle she'd latched onto; she knew damn well he couldn't stand thinking of her with hands-y assholes. "And I'm hopin' that that's one good thing you take away from our relationship: when you're ready for the next one, you'll know that... if he really cares, he won't force you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. He won't belittle you or demean you... an' no matter how upset he may get, he'll never raise a hand to you... he'll treat you with the respect you--"

"Don't you get it? You're describing yourself, Joel! No one loves me like you do. No one else would be the way you are--"

"There's plenty that would. Plenty." Every time he felt the way she did -- that there'd be no one like him -- it was just vanity. "And they won't be so goddamn overprotective, either."

"But I like that you protect me!"

"Hell -- maybe it won't even be a guy at all. It could be a girl. Maybe you ain't actually bisexual... you were just confused about me 'cause I messed with--"

"What?! Fuck you, Joel! Fuck you. How dare you say that, like -- like I never really wanted you or something? That makes no sense. You think I'm confused?! What, like I've been faking the orgasms this whole time? Maybe I can't get hard like you do -- but my body does fucking react -- I'll prove it to you right now--"

"Oh no you will not." He had to wrestle her back into her seat before she straddled him. And he had to be careful not to turn it into the play-wrestling that she enjoyed so much. ...That they both enjoyed, really, but he was done enjoying shit now. Job done -- and hands off, immediately... or as soon as she stopped squirming. He settled back into his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. "That ain't what I meant. I'm sorry, all right? Calm down. It just came out wrong."

She shot him a venomous look, but remained in her seat. "You were pretty fucking clear."

"I just meant... maybe that's somethin' you oughta explore. Maybe you owe it to yourself to--"

"This is exactly why I didn't tell you about Riley for so long -- because I knew you were going to just... spew this crap at me about... ~finding my true preference~ or some shit. -NO. I already told you -- I am Joel-sexual. So if you want me to never have sex again the rest of my life, well... I guess you're doing the right thing."

He wasn't going to fall for that one... but he did take it as a step in the right direction that she'd finally acknowledged that the split was really happening. He didn't expect her to give up just yet, but maybe she'd be ready to go home... soon-ish? He was itching to get out and walk around a bit by now, but he felt like they were safer (in more ways than one) if they stayed in the jeep. Fighting with her while simultaneously fighting his feelings for her was mentally exhausting... and detrimentally exhausting, given that they were Outside. The odds of any enemies hovering nearby was slim, but not slim enough. Not where Ellie was concerned.

Hopefully it won't take too much longer to convince her...

* * * * * * *

Joel couldn't say how much time had passed, but if his sun-movement estimate was anywhere near the mark, it had been about a couple hours since Ellie had shown up. She'd tried every trick in the book to get him to 'come around' to her way of seeing things, but Joel's resolve stayed strong. Not looking her in the eye helped with that, in his weaker moments. But he could still hear her sniffling... her voice wavering... she stopped short of outright sobs, which Joel had been bracing himself for all along. Ellie wasn't typically a crier, but he wouldn't put it past her to conjure up some tears if she thought it would help her win him over. I reckon she's storing them up... saving that for the grand finale... I CANNOT let her get to me... no matter WHAT she does... she'll be FINE... a good cry never hurt anyone...

After rehashing what felt like every segment of every argument they'd ever had on the subject of the right- or wrongness of their relationship, Ellie finally seemed to be as emotionally exhausted as Joel had been about an hour ago; now he was beyond exhausted by it all, and seriously ready to physically tie her to the car seat if need be. He hoped it wouldn't come to that.

It did seem that she had finally resigned herself to being driven back to Jackson. The plan was for Joel to park the jeep out of range of the gate and march her back up there the rest of the way, hand her over to the guards, and not leave until Tommy came to collect her personally -- at which point Joel would be sure to rip his brother a new one for allowing her to escape. In fact, Joel was seriously considering asking his brother to cuff her hands behind her back, right there at the gate, since Tommy obviously couldn't be counted on to contain her without such physical assistance. Only then would Joel feel safe in taking off again.

He was feeling good about this plan. It probably should have been Plan A all along, to bluntly explain things to Ellie and make sure she was too angry/hurt/upset/what-have-you to even want to try to find him, rather than allowing her to place all the blame on Tommy like she had. But maybe it worked out better this way... he truly didn't think he would have been able to leave her, but once the decision had been made and he'd had all these hours to fortify it in his mind, it was much easier. Even the thought of leaving her in handcuffs -- as if she were the criminal here -- didn't phase him anymore. He'd practically separated himself from his own damn self, not just from her; it felt very much like he was not the same man who had held her and comforted her when she was upset rather than continue to add insult to injury. Like he wasn't even inside his own body: this cold-hearted bastard had taken over in order to get the job done.

She still managed to stall a bit, though, before they left. She had to pee. She had to 'stretch her legs' after being in the jeep so long. She had to eat, drink... at this point, Joel pointed out that whatever else she needed could be done in the jeep on the way back -- like eating. And she actually hadn't even eaten anything that he offered her. She took a few sips of water, but nothing else. "Just one more thing then," she said quietly, her voice (and his) a bit hoarse by this point. "Please."

"What," he replied curtly.

"Can I have a goodbye kiss?" she all but whispered.

Oh HELL no... that was possibly the only thing that might break him at this point -- any sort of intimacy. It was also possible he could escape unscathed with just an emotionless peck on the lips, but he didn't want such a thing to be their last kiss. He stared straight ahead because he certainly did not want to have to fight the visual of those tear-filled green eyes pleading with him. "You got one already. Last night."

She absorbed that for a moment. "That was... a really good one. ...Okay."

He thought she may have been crying softly... that she was putting on a brave front by not completely dissolving into sobs right now. He couldn't risk looking at her. Maybe he ought to be even more of a dick... get her so riled up that she would declare her everlasting hatred for him, and all that. It might help her to hate him, instead of just... being so sad.

No-- Tommy and Maria would help her deal with the heartache, he was sure. They would talk about her feelings and shit, and work through all of it in a much healthier way than harboring such rage would allow her to do. That's just me thinking about the easy way out... AGAIN... whereas they'll do it the RIGHT way. Ellie had unwittingly taught him all about that herself, bringing him back to life the way she had. And he wasn't undoing that now; he would no doubt be a different version of himself than he was when he was with her, but he did care about Paul and Karma. It wasn't like he was cutting himself off from meaningful relationships, or exiling himself from human companionship altogether.

Joel made sure she had her seatbelt on, not as much for her own safety as for his own peace of mind: hearing the click of her undoing the belt would give him enough time to reflexively grab her before she could jump out, at any point along the way. It wouldn't do any good for her to run off, but if she was just trying to delay the inevitable, it would enable her to drag this shit out interminably, and Joel was just done. They made it all the way down the drive this time before she asked him to stop, claiming she was about to be sick.

"What, you have motion sickness all of a sudden?" he snarled at her... although he did remember her feeling sick after that day on the boat...

Still, how many hours had they spent in the jeep since then with no issue?

"Please, Joel!"

"Jesus, Ellie... you're worse than a two-year-old who don't wanna go to bed." He did stop the jeep for her, though. "Just lean over the side. No need to get out."

She ducked her head under the shoulder strap and leaned out (having a doorless vehicle did have its upsides).

Joel waited. He heard a couple little coughs, but nothing that sounded like vomiting. "Ellie, what are you--"

"Sorry," she mumbled, yanking her head back through the strap. "I felt like I was going to and then... I dunno."

Joel looked at her (risky though it was), taking in the slouching posture... the downcast eyes, somewhat red from prior tears. She was calm now, though. Dejected, but not upset. She did look a little... pale, maybe? But he was ninety-nine percent certain that she was either stalling or making a play for sympathy in the hopes that it would change his mind. I THINK I still see the wheels spinning in that pretty head of hers... she ain't done yet... gotta stay strong and not give her an opening.

"You ready now?" he asked none-too-gently; he needed to keep his guard up, and being a dick would help with that.

She nodded, but then before he even let up on the brake, she was stopping him again. "Wait! I'm... not ready. There's something you need to know."

Joel couldn't imagine what he could possibly 'need to know' that she hadn't already said a hundred goddamn times. He kept his gaze straight ahead. "Ain't gonna work. You can tell me on the way home if it's so damn important."

"No! No I can't. It might... matter to you. I dunno. If it doesn't, then... yeah, you can take me to Jackson and I won't argue with you. But... this decision you made... you might not have made it, if you knew... I wanted you to see things my way, like... because we love each other, and that's... seriously, the only reason there needs to be, for us to stay together. But, you don't see that, so... anyway, it wouldn't be fair if I just--"

"Would you spit it out already? Stop talkin' in circles. Christ."

...That shut her up completely.

She should know by now I ain't gonna take her in my arms and kiss all of this away, like I usually would! He was so spent at this point that he probably could have looked at her and not risked a damn thing, emotionally, but he kept staring out the windshield instead. With a quick scan of the periphery. Outside brain engaged... check. "I said spit it out. Or we're goin'."

He heard her take a deep breath; it seemed like she was gathering up courage or something. Joel was about to just start driving despite her protests. No more stalling-- time to fix things up for good and just go-- and it was beyond time to stop endlessly spinning the goddamn wheels... to get things moving forward again. (Or backward, depending on your point of view -- either way, they'd be moving.)

Screw it-- he sighed and shifted into first again.

And that's when Ellie finally found her words. Just two of them: "I'm pregnant."

~Continue to Chapter 39~

"Singularity" Chapter 37: "Escape the Dungeon" [37/49]

2022-07-06T12:59:15Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 37: "Escape the Dungeon" [37/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,508
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

As she began to awaken, a vague sense of unease awakened within her as well... Ellie just had a feeling that something was wrong. A second later, the specifics dawned on her: Joel wasn't beside her because they'd gotten busted in just about the worst possible way, and now their romantic activities were severely restricted as a result.

But then she felt something else, something more... gut-level sinister? More visceral. And she had no idea where that came from. Probably just all this shit... and worrying about Joel... it's early, I'll bet he's still asleep. I'm totally going to sneak in there and surprise him! She knew she shouldn't... that she had to keep up appearances and lead Tommy and Maria to believe she was on the path towards becoming the sweet little daughter again... but the house was quiet. If no one else was up, surely she could sneak in a quick snuggle. Maybe sit on the floor, like he had... with the door open... "See, guys? Nothing PERVERTED going on here! I just love him, that's all!"

Ellie padded over to his room, found the door open... and the bed empty. Empty, but neatly made. Looking kinda like he hadn't even slept in it...

Because he slept with ME? She knew he'd been in her room for a long time. She had quasi-woken up a couple times (at least once due to the baby crying), and her mostly-asleep brain had registered that he was still there with her. Like he was reluctant to leave. Poor Joel... he doesn't like sleeping without me any more than I like sleeping without him!

But... where was he? She crept down the hallway, checking on Grayson... and Tommy and Maria, with their door still open... all three of them were still asleep, from the looks of things. Joel wasn't in the bathroom, but she had to pee, so she 'checked' there, too. She splashed water on her face... and rinsed the sleep out of her mouth with mouthwash, because when she found Joel downstairs, she knew the coast would be totally clear to plant a big wet one on him.

Ellie went downstairs and checked every room, checked outside... no Joel. She went back upstairs and looked in her room again, in case he'd left her a note she'd overlooked. Meeting someone in secret only worked if the other party knew where to go! Did he go back to our house? We didn't decide anything, though... he just said we'll figure it out... and the sun's not even all the way up yet, too early for him to go to work -- especially if he's going somewhere with Tommy, who's still here! And especially-especially since as of last night, he still had the day off. Their only plans, prior to the bust, had been to secretly enjoy their ten-month anniversary. In private. Ugh... Tommy fucked up EVERYTHING... it was their first anniversary back in town, and Ellie had planned to make it as special as she could...

Fuck, where IS he? Maybe... he just went for a walk or something? Maybe he thought he'd be back before I woke up?

She just... had to know where Joel was. Wherever he was, he'd taken all his gear -- and he usually didn't take more than two guns with him anywhere on the Inside.

A tendril of fear was already coiling itself around her innards; it was getting harder to dismiss that gut feeling as mere paranoia. He WAS being a little weird last night -- he was almost CRYING -- which could possibly be attributed to the upsetting situation they were facing, sure, but this icky feeling she had... she didn't really think Joel would be crying over this. Something was very wrong.

Fuck it -- Ellie decided she was going to wake up Tommy or Maria. Preferably Tommy, since Maria needed the sleep more... and, well, he was Joel's brother. Plus this whole thing was his fault, of course! She stood in the doorway and looked at the big people-shaped lumps in the center of the bed for a moment. "Tommy? Are you awake?" she whispered so loudly it could barely be categorized as a whisper.

Silence.

"Tommy? ...Maria?" she tried again.

The Tommy-lump stirred. Slowly sat up, rubbed his eyeballs with his fists, and looked at her. "What is it, honey?" he whispered, already moving to get out of bed, probably to avoid waking Maria if he could help it.

She motioned for him to come out in the hallway, because she didn't really want to wake Maria, either. He slipped into a bathrobe and tied it on his way out of the room -- because apparently, jammy pants alone weren't sufficient cover for her not-even-innocent-anymore eyes (pfffff). (...Or, yes, maybe he did actually feel chilled.)

"I'm worried about Joel," she told him before he could ask what was wrong a second time. "He's not in his bed and... I thought he was supposed to spend the day with you? So you could like babysit him? But you're still here, obviously, so..."

Tommy's expression had slackened from concern into non-concern as soon as she mentioned Joel's name. "Don't worry about him. He's fine."

"How do you know?" She frowned. "I know you're pissed at him right now, but... he is still your brother, you know. And I'm worried he might... I dunno..." ...hurt himself? Would Joel do that? That was the thought that popped into her mind, though. No, that's ridiculous, he wouldn't do that... if nothing else, he knows it would fuck me up too bad...

"Let's go downstairs an' talk, all right? I don't wanna wake anyone."

He knows something! She almost demanded that he spill it right there in the hallway, but she dutifully descended the stairs and parked her ass on the couch, her eyes following him expectantly. It had taken him an extra second or two to softly close the bedroom door, but it seemed like he was lagging way behind, moving slowly on purpose. He's not the biggest morning person, I know, but damn... is he stalling for some reason?

He sat right beside her. "Ellie... I'm so sorry to have to tell you this..."

JESUS FUCK-- "Something happened to him! Oh my God--"

"No, sweetheart -- I just told you he's fine, remember? I wasn't lyin'." He put his arm around her shoulders...

...but she jerked away. Scooted away from him a little, just out of reach. If Joel wasn't allowed to comfort her anymore, she certainly wasn't going to let Tommy do it! "But something's wrong. Tell me!"

Tommy looked at her very soberly. "He's gone. He left last night."

"Left for where?" she demanded.

"I honestly don' know for sure. He just left."

She frowned at him, confused and annoyed. "How do you not know? Where did you send him? Are you trying to keep us apart by sending him to the dam or something? To Farm 4? Idaho? Where?!"

He kept looking at her, inexplicably stumped by this very simple question. "Can I get you some juice? We've got--"

"No, I don't want any fucking juice," she seethed. Does he think I'm five years old and can be distracted with goodies?! "I wanna know where Joel is!"

"He left town. That's all you need to know. It's for the best."

...for the best... FOR THE BEST?! "What the fuck are you talking about? Where did he go? Tell me!"

"Truly, I don' know, Ellie. Honest to God. He didn't tell me where he was goin'."

She blinked. "Again -- how do you not know?! You sent him!"

"I did not. I promise you. It wasn't for... business of any kind. He just left of his own accord."

Jesus fucking-- "Without me? He knows he's not supposed to-- ugghhhh -- Okay, whatever -- so when will he back?"

He hesitated to answer.

"Tell me, Tommy!" She was beyond caring who she woke up now.

"He ain't comin' back, honey. I'm so sorry."

That... made no fucking sense. "Uh... I must've heard that wrong. Did you say... he's not coming back?"

Tommy nodded.

No... NO, this can't be happening! Ellie shook her head. "You're wrong. Joel would never leave me. He promised!"

"I know he did. But circumstances have changed. He... realized it was in your best interest if he wasn't around. It ain't that he don't love you no more, or anything like that. He just--"

"That's fucking bullshit!" She sprang to her feet and glowered down at him. "You'd better fucking tell me right now where he went!"

Tommy stood up, too, and stepped toward her. "I don' know where he went. I swear."

Oh my God -- if only I'd put my jeans on -- but since she hadn't put them on, she didn't have her switchblade on her. ...Which was probably a good thing, because she couldn't... not to Tommy... but her anger was mounting in a hurry, and she had to get him to tell her where Joel went! "If you don't tell me, I'll-- ... I'll just go find him myself!" She turned to run back up to her room to get dressed.

But Tommy grabbed her arm to hold her in place. "I can't let you do that. You won't make it past the gate anyhow -- I instructed everyone not to let you out. With or without an adult, so you can't go find yourself an escort, either."

He's fucking serious. He sent Joel away, and now he won't tell me where he is and won't let me go after him! She jerked out of his grasp and scowled. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that?"

"To keep you safe. That's what we all want for you."

"I'm safe with Joel!"

Tommy chuckled bitterly. "No you ain't. Yesterday proved that."

"Oh my God... are you fucking kidding me? How can you--" Before she even knew what she was doing, her fist was swinging--

But he seemed to be anticipating this and managed to block the blow, taking hold of her arm again. "I know you're mad, but--"

"Mad? Mad?! I'm beyond mad. I'm fucking furious!" She caught sight of Maria at the top of the stairs, and realized the baby was now crying. Ellie didn't give a fuck about the fact that she might have just woken him up with all her yelling. She wrenched away from Tommy and hurried over to the staircase. "Maria! Maria, Tommy just told me Joel left! Is it true?"

She nodded, biting her lip... looking like she wanted to cry. Between the hormones and the sleep deprivation, though, crying wasn't unusual for Maria these days.

Sensing weakness, Ellie flew up the stairs and got right in her face. "You have to tell me where he is! Please -- I'm begging you -- "

"He didn't say where he was going. I'm sure he knew you would hound us until we told you, so..."

"This is all your fault! Both of you! And you--" --she poked Maria in the chest-- "didn't want him living here! What did you say to him?"

Much to her annoyance, she felt Tommy grab her from behind. He dragged her back a few steps, and she laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, relax -- I'm not gonna hurt her. Jesus."

Tommy let go without her having to break free this time. "If you wanna be pissed at someone, be pissed at me," he said. "It was my idea. Not hers."

"What?" Ellie knew that was a lie. "No... you told us to come stay with you--"

"I did, an' then I thought about it some more, and... it's the only thing that made sense." He nodded to Maria. "Babe, you wanna get him? I got this."

Ellie focused her rage on Tommy again as Maria exited the line of fire by entering the baby's room. "It makes the least fucking sense of anything I've ever heard! Is that why you guys wanted me to go to the movies? So you could threaten him? You promised you wouldn't hurt him, and then-- You made him leave!" Of course! Joel would never leave her 'of his own accord.' She merely pushed Tommy this time. For a fleeting moment, she imagined him tumbling down the stairs and cracking his head open...

...and the mental image didn't disturb her at all. That's how insanely fucking livid she was!

Tommy just stood there. "Let's go back down--"

"Where did he go? California? ...Boston?"

"He didn't say." Tommy just kept repeating this with a patience that really got under Ellie's skin.

She wasn't going to push him down the stairs. What she wanted was to fucking beat the truth out of him. It just didn't make sense! True, Joel had been kind of a pussy with Tommy yesterday... but there was no way he could've felt so intimidated that he would just leave. No fucking way. Not after everything he'd said to her... everything they'd done... Not after MAKING LOVE to me the way he does. There's no way! "How did you get him to do it? What did you hold over his head?"

"Nothin'. We just talked an' he came to the same conclusion I did. It's best for you if--"

"BullSHIT! It's best for you, you mean!" She pushed him again.

"Ellie... c'mon. Sit down." He sat on the top step and patted the spot next to him. Like he was taunting her into pushing him down the stairs!

Only it probably wouldn't even hurt if he just somersaulted down...

But I DID hurt Caleb when I pushed him...

She just started pacing the floor instead -- a move she'd borrowed from the absent Joel. "Joel promised he would never go anywhere Outside again unless I was with him. After you guys thought I was missing that one time. He fucking promised. And... to not even say goodbye?!"

"I reckon he said it in his own way last night," Tommy replied softly.

Ellie's heart lurched. He did... Joel hadn't been acting a little weird because he was going to go kill himself or something: he knew he was about to kill ME! "He knew he couldn't say goodbye to me, or he'd never go," she realized out loud.

"That's exactly right. He loves you too much... in his own way."

"...'In his own way'? You said that yesterday, too. What, like he doesn't really? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Ellie strode towards him.

As if sensing danger, Tommy abandoned his seat at the top of the stairs and retreated into Ellie's room. "He does love you, all right? He's just got his own... mental issues, an' whatnot... he's sick... and unfortunately, you're sufferin' the consequences. But--"

"What mental issues? He's not-- Jesus fucking Christ -- Joel is the one who keeps me sane! But you don't care about that, do you! Do you!" She felt the hot prick of tears behind her eyeballs -- but she wouldn't give Tommy the satisfaction of seeing her cry about what he'd done.

"Of course I care." His maddening calm was even more maddening than Joel's! "We knew it was gonna be hard on you. But Maria an' me... we're here for you. We're gonna help you through--"

"Oh my fucking GOD -- if you really cared, you wouldn't just-- just fucking rip Joel right out of my arms and throw him away! The person I care about -- more than anyone else --" she spluttered.

"I know it hurts, honey... I'm so sorry," Tommy said pitifully. As in FULL OF PITY for her; it was disgusting.

"You are not-- UUUUUGGGGHHHH!" she screamed in rage as she grabbed the nearest heavy object -- the bedside lamp -- and yanked on the cord 'til it came free of the wall.

"Ellie, don't--"

Tommy moved towards her, but he was too late -- she smashed the lamp with all of her might...

...just like she had that night at the base, with that soldier... DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT--

...only this time, she shattered it against the wall. The body of the lamp was like glass or ceramic or something, so shards of it flew everywhere, but she didn't give a fuck. It felt pretty fucking satisfying, actually.

"Ellie... you've gotta calm down..."

She rounded on him, and was pleased to note him plucking a piece of lamp out of his robed arm. "I don't have to do anything -- except find Joel! That's what I'm gonna do."

"You've got glass--"

"I don't care about fucking glass! Get the fuck out of my room so I can get-- oh wait, that's right -- you've already seen me naked, haven't you? So who cares?" She started yanking her nightgown up over her head.

It had the desired effect of making Tommy flee the room immediately. "I didn't see you naked, all right? Christ..."

"Yes you did! And you think Joel's a pervert?! Hey, Maria!" she called loudly. "Your husband saw me naked! Did he tell you that part of the story? Yeah -- that's how he caught us. He was fucking spying on me and Joel having sex yesterday! Totally getting off on it! Bet you didn't know you were married to such a--"

"Watch it, missy." Tommy reappeared in the doorway, showing more anger than she'd seen from him this entire time.

Finally! She kind of wished she hadn't let her nightgown drop back down into place, so then he'd really see her naked (or half naked) and he wouldn't be able to deny it... but fuck, she didn't really want Tommy seeing her naked, did she?! Gross! "Get out!" she screamed at him, and she marched right over there and slammed the door in his face. "I hate you! Both of you! I'm going to find Joel and we're going to just fuck like crazy all day, every day -- and we're never gonna speak to either of you ever again!"

She practically ripped her nightgown off, and yanked her clothes on just as roughly. She found specks of blood here and there... from the glass, she supposed... it gave her a tiny bit of satisfaction to imagine Tommy having to come in here and clean it up later. It was quiet out there now, so she assumed Tommy was finally ready to leave her alone. Good! She'd already wasted too much time. Joel was here just a little while ago... I KNOW he was... he kissed me when I was sleeping and it half woke me up but then I dozed for a minute until that queasy feeling came over me... ...fuck, it was probably longer than a minute...

It must have been so hard for him to leave her. They said he left last night, but she knew he'd been with her all night. Because he couldn't bear to leave me!

As far as Ellie was concerned, this entire thing was Tommy's fault. Maria hadn't helped matters... and those nasty looks she'd sent Joel at dinner had not escaped Ellie's notice... but ultimately, it was Tommy who had bullied Joel into leaving. He was the true evil one here, preying on Joel when he was confused and ashamed.

And so it pained her to have to go speak to him after she'd packed up her shit (which hadn't taken long, since she'd barely unpacked anything last night). But I HAVE to ask him... Tommy was sitting on the couch, all casual-like... just hanging out, waiting for her?

"You ready to talk now?" he asked her coolly.

"Yes," she replied. She went and stood in front of him, backpacked up and all ready to go, except... "If you're ready to tell me where Joel went."

"I honestly don' know. Didn't want to know. For your sake."

She hadn't really expected him to tell her; she suspected he might even be telling the truth. She could totally see Joel telling himself that he was protecting her -- as if she would just happily stay put in town if she didn't know exactly where to go. "Fine, don't tell me. Can you tell me where you went last night? Were you getting him a horse or something?" A spark of hope flared inside her. It's still early! If Joel's getting one himself, he might still be--

"He didn't plan on takin' a horse. He was goin' on foot. I went an' fetched him some provisions. Past storehouse hours so I let myself in."

"What kind of provisions? He could've just taken food and stuff from our house. Not like you gave us enough time to pack it all up or anything."

"I felt like it was the least I could do to help him on his way. I don' know what all it was... the usual. Jerky... bread... ammo..."

"They don't keep ammo there."

"Nope, but I got him some. -One thing I did think was strange... he wanted strawberry preserves. This whole time I thought it was you that liked that, not him. He never used to care for it."

...Of course! THAT'S where he's going! She didn't bother to thank Tommy for the information, though. He didn't deserve her thanks after what he'd done to Joel! She just turned away without even the courtesy of a goodbye.

"I already told you, you can't leave," he reminded her. "The gates all have instructions not to let you out, and I just called 'em again. Everyone's on alert."

Ellie smirked and flounced out the door. She didn't care what orders the gates had -- she was going to find someone to help her. And she could just imagine the gossip that would soon be flying around town.

Then it hit her: I'm LEAVING. Leaving and never coming back this time. She wasn't saying goodbye to anyone... not even to Annie, or Clicker... but they don't matter right now -- ONLY JOEL. He was the only one she needed. He was a part of her very being. She couldn't live without him. If she couldn't find him...

I WILL find him. I know where he's going -- and I bet he's taking the jeep. Even if he wasn't, it wasn't like it was that far out of the way. She could figure out what she was going to say to him on the way down there. Fuck -- first I have to figure out a plan to find him! I don't know EXACTLY where he is, but if I find the jeep gone, he'll probably be on the highway--

But first-first... she had to escape her prison.

* * * * * * *

"Okay, so... what is it they say in movies... I can make it worth your while? ...You know. Like... yeah. If you just... er... I can come up there and... uh... get on my knees, and... YOU KNOW..."

Ellie had sunk to a new low.

...Did I really just do that?! I did. I fucking DID.

And I'm NEVER telling Joel.

Oh, she didn't actually blow the guy. She'd just offered to.

And he had refused. He had refused! It was too bad they didn't let teenagers work the gates. More than one had approached her back when people thought she was a slut who handed out BJs left and right -- just joking around, maybe, but if Joel was right about them being horny little bastards...

Well, Buster wasn't that much older than a teenager... he was like, twenty-three or something. Maybe he thought it would make dinner at his sister Chelsea's house a little awkward... he doesn't know I'm never coming back! ...Maybe it's just because we weren't alone, since they always guard in pairs... Jason W. was in the other tower so it was a little weird? That particular Jason was married, so she had gambled on Buster instead. Other Jason (not present at the moment) was Idaho-new and possibly oblivious to that drama, if it really had died down after she and Joel left, like she'd been told. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough for most people... Joel just has weird taste? ...OBVIOUSLY he does, because everyone's so grossed out by us! 'Everyone' being just Tommy and Maria, but still. According to them, the entire town would be disgusted.

She probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it anyway... but fuck, she was getting desperate! She'd been to all the gates and not managed to even come close to persuading anyone to let her out. She should've known; Tommy and Maria's minions were fiercely loyal. Probably scared shitless of getting kicked out of town or something... Apparently they had all been instructed to report it to Tommy if she showed up; would Buster report the attempted bribe as well? That gate had been her last stop, and the men had informed her that they had orders to escort her home. She had scoffed at that, told them she didn't have a home anymore because Tommy was an asshole, and even managed to conjure up a few tears. Let them wonder about THAT! And while they'd seemed somewhat sympathetic to her plight, they still refused to let her out. The best she could achieve was that they didn't escort her 'home': instead, they agreed to say that she'd run off before one of them could descend the towers and collect her.

She could have gone one step further, and threatened them at gunpoint... she would never be coming back here anyway, so what did she care, right? And they were in her way, so...

But what if they called my bluff? Fuck. Is THAT what I'm gonna have to do to get out of here? SHOOT somebody?!

She wondered if Joel would do that if their roles were flipped here... if he was the one who couldn't get out to go after her. She wondered this for all of three seconds before concluding that yes he would. Would he offer to blow a guy, though? ...Not so sure about that!

To stay one step ahead of the enemy, it helped to think like them. What would Tommy do now that she was on the loose in the town, when he wanted her home? Send his goons out to search for her? Maybe. Anticipate that she'd go find a friend to plot with instead of going home? Like Annie? ...Possibly. Or he might do nothing at all. She'd been kind of surprised that he had wanted her to come home, after the things she'd said to him. Who would want to be around a person who so obviously hated them?

Hopefully he wouldn't suspect her of going to where she actually was going: Max's house.

If only HE'D been working one of the gates! She wouldn't have had to offer him sexual favors -- not that he would've accepted anyway. Except... well, there was also his distrust, or dislike, of Joel. Maybe he'd tell her "this is for the best" too... ugh! He had helped her Out before, but that had been legit -- plus, Joel had been the one she was pissed at.

She truly wasn't upset with Joel this time. All her rage was directed squarely where it belonged: at his asshole brother, who had taken advantage of Joel's misplaced guilt. Preyed on his doubts and kicked him when he was down.

It was still pretty early in the day, not a lot of people out and about yet... which made her feel confident that Max would be home. She ran all the way there (no time to waste, especially if Tommy realized what she was up to!) and started pounding on the door, calling to him while she panted for breath. "Max! -- Maaaaxxxx! -- It's Ellie! -- Are you -- awake? Sorry -- if you're -- not, but -- CAN YOU WAKE UP PLEASE?!?!? -- -- -- I need your help! -- Maaaaaax! It's Ellie! -- In case you didn't -- hear that part!" She stopped hollering long enough to finally catch her breath.

"Just a sec, sunshine..."

"Oh good, you're home! Open the door!" ...As if he wasn't going to?

It took him forever to get to the door, but she supposed he had to put pants on and stuff. As soon as the door opened, she pushed past him and slammed it behind her. "No one can know I'm here!"

"What's goin' on?" He looked her over, the same way Joel sometimes did if he was trying to determine how okay she was.

"I have to get out of here!" she cried. "But fucking Tommy told all the gates not to let me out! Not even with an adult so don't worry, I won't ask you to-- except how am I gonna get out? Could you maybe smuggle me out somehow? Like if I hide in a cart or something? And he told the last guy to bring me home but luckily he just let me go -- so I really need to leave before Tommy figures it out and locks me up or something cuz he doesn't want me to leave!"

"Slow down," he chuckled. "Why do you have to get out of here?"

"That's not important!" she said dismissively. "Just trust me, I really need this! I'll beg you if you want!"

Max regarded her skeptically. "Your friend know you're here?"

'Your friend' was how he usually referred to Joel. "No! He can't help me!" Should I tell him I'm going after Joel, or will that make Max take Tommy's side and want to keep me in? ...Yeah, I can't risk that... ...oh! I know what to say!-- "--He's on Tommy's side!" It wasn't even a lie; Joel and Tommy did agree on this, even if it was only because Tommy had basically brainwashed Joel into it.

Max just kept looking at her with a puzzled expression. "What the hell happened? You in some kind of trouble?"

"No! I mean... sort of? But not really! Just... please please pleeeeeease help me, and I won't tell anyone it was you, you won't get in trouble or anything--"

"Psh, I ain't worried about that."

"So you'll help me?" she asked hopefully, fixing him with her most beguiling look -- one that usually worked on Joel.

"I didn't say that. I need to know what's goin' on first."

Ugh, I don't have TIME for this-- "No you don't! You really don't! Look -- you and Joel disagree about things, right? So isn't it enough to know that he doesn't want me Out?"

"But you said it was Tommy, too. He's been real good to me."

Ellie groaned. "Everyone thinks Tommy's so wonderful... but he has no right to keep me here! He's not my father -- neither is Joel -- and I've spent more time Out in the past two years than In, so it's not like I'm helpless -- plus I don't even need to go that far!" Or so she hoped. And once she found Joel... being with him was practically as safe as being Inside!

Max sighed. "Still wish you'd tell me what the fuck happened."

He's weakening! "I can't tell you. It's sort of like a... family secret, I guess?" Tommy had referred to it as a family matter yesterday, or family business...

Max chuckled. "You just finished telling me how not-family they are to you. Come sit down and tell me--"

"No! I need to go! You just have to trust me!"

He looked at her thoughtfully... and it seemed like maybe he was on the verge of making a decision. "Well... does this have anything to do with you... not getting infected?"

What the fuck? "Uh... what do you mean?"

"Your... resistance. To the Cordyceps."

OH MY GOD-- "How do you know about that? ...Did you see it? No, you couldn't have... you would've freaked out..."

"See what?"

Now she wondered if he was just fishing. But still -- how did he even know these were fishable waters?! "So... no, you haven't seen it. Okay -- never mind, then! Dude, I don't know what you're talking about." ...Little late for that now, Ellie! "This is like a... a personal thing. But please -- I really have to go and I'm afraid Tommy might come hunt me down so if you're not gonna help me, I'll just go find another way!" She turned to run out.

But -- just like she'd hoped he would -- Max stepped between her and the door. "Wait a minute, would you? I didn't say I wouldn't help you. ...So what I should do is... deliver you back to Tommy?"

"What? No! Fuck that! I will hurt you if you even try to--"

He just laughed. "Chill, sunshine. If you're really that desperate... I'll help you. I'll even go back to bed after so if Tommy comes beating down my door--"

"Thank you!" she cut him off and gave him a quick-but-fierce hug. "Okay so -- what do we do?"

"...I have an idea. It'll get you Out, but not back In."

"That's perfect! I don't need to get back In! -I mean -- when I come back then I can go through a gate." She mentally patted herself on the back for saying 'when' when it wasn't even an 'if' situation; clearly she and Joel weren't welcome here anymore. But she didn't want Max to have second thoughts about helping her!

"How long you plan on being gone?"

"I dunno... a while?"

"More than a day?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"...And that's all you're bringing? No tent, or--"

"Yes! It's fine! Can we just go-- or just tell me what to do and I'll leave you alone and you can pretend you never saw me!"

"I gotta go with you. You got a blanket in there, at least?"

"No! I don't need one!" She groaned as he ignored this and went to go fetch her one.

He returned with the tiniest blanket Ellie had ever seen. It looked like a little palm-sized canvas square. "Here. It ain't the best, but it's better than nothing, and it's nice and light. See, you just unfold it like--"

"Okay, can you just stuff it in there please so we can go?!"

But he asked what kind of food she had... water... weapons... Ellie wanted to scream. She practically did scream at him in the end, declaring once again that she was just going to leave without him if they didn't go right now. She knew she should appreciate that he was looking out for her, but he didn't seem to appreciate the urgency of the situation! If Tommy found her... would he use those fucking handcuffs to lock me up if he felt like he had to?! To "keep me safe"? Uuuggghhh!

She would literally go insane if he locked her up, in a room or with the handcuffs or any other way.

Finally, they were on their way, and at least Max was moving quickly once they left his house. He said they needed to go somewhere far enough between the gates that she wouldn't be spotted -- "they can see farther out than you'd think" -- and he knew the wall well enough to know where such a place would be... but if there was a patrol out there, she'd be fucked -- assuming they got the same messages the gates did over the walkie talkies they carried. She just had to risk it. At least Max seemed reasonably sure that there wouldn't be a patrol out this early.

They arrived at a solitary stretch of border wall in Ghost Town, and Max turned to her. "You said you're good with walls."

"I am! If you can boost me up there, I can get over."

"It's a long ways down, though, so you--"

"Pfff-- I know how to get down off a wall. Don't jump -- hang down first and drop, to shorten the distance."

Max nodded. "Good. How about electric fences?"

Too much fucking security here! Ellie worried at her lip. "Um... not much experience with those. But they're not always on, right? Do you know if they're on right now?"

"They were yesterday. No crazy weather since then and haven't heard of any incidents with the power, so I'd say they're on."

"Okay, but we can turn them off. Right?"

"We could... if we knew more about how they operate and where the fuses are and things like that. A maintenance person could prob'ly help with--"

"No time for that! So what do I do?" she wailed.

"Well, I do know one thing: only the horizontal wires are electric. The verticals, you can touch."

"Great. How the fuck do I climb using the verticals? Stick my foot in sideways? How would it not slide down and touch the--"

"Noooooo nothing like that. You can't climb over with the barbed wire on top. But -- I think there's enough space in between the poles that if you lift the bottom up a bit, tugging on the vertical part, you can slither on through, underneath. You're little enough. But that's gonna be hard to do on your own. I was thinking I can go steal a ladder, climb over the wall--"

"What, steal it from all the way in Craig's office?!" That was way on the other end of town!

"Or, if we're lucky, the guys left one at a job they're doing that's multiple days' work. Those motherfuckers are heavy to be lugging around, and obviously they're too big to stick in a wheelbarrow... too big and odd-shaped for a dolly..."

"Joel worked yesterday and I know he wouldn't have left one out." That felt like a loooooong time ago, not less than a day! She hadn't even thought to ask him if they'd finished the job, come to think of it. We were a little distracted by all the hot sex... and then everything blowing up on us!

"You sure?"

"Yeah. He's weird -- he likes carrying heavy shit." Not totally true, really, but she figured toting a ladder around was one of those things he'd consider a good workout? If not, he would've at least stashed it inside the house they were working on, for safekeeping. "Fuck, I don't know which house he was at yesterday! That would be one to not go to. Ugghhh -- okay, so I'm just gonna see if I can do it myself, and if I can't, I'll let you know?"

"I could also go out the gate and come around to help you from the other side."

"No! That would look too suspicious! Hopefully I can do it. Just wait until you hear me yell, 'kay? I'll try to be quick in case someone wonders why you're over here talking to a wall..."

Max chuckled. "Take your time. Anyone comes near, I'll just make it look like I'm pissing on the wall. Bet they'll walk right on by."

"Ha!" Ellie really wished she had a dick sometimes. "Except why the fuck would you come all the way over here specifically to piss on it? Whatever -- okay, let's do this!"

"One more thing -- take your backpack off before you go under. You're gonna need to just chuck it on over. You gotta make sure to clear the fence, though, 'cause if it gets caught--"

"Got it," she said impatiently. "Boost me!"

The boosting part was easy, at least. Ellie had never been on top of the Jackson wall. She could only take a moment to savor the view up there, too paranoid about being seen to linger. She hung down by her arms and dropped, landing on her feet yet still taking a little tumble.

"You okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine!" She hopped up and didn't even bother to brush herself off. She was about to get down on the ground again anyway, wasn't she? She shed the backpack... and decided to stuff her holster belt and guns in there, too. In case they might get caught on a wire. "I better do a couple practice throws first!" If it's too heavy to get it up high enough, maybe I can squeeze it underneath... She could probably even kick it through. But tossing it did seem safest, and if she did it underhand -- yeah, I have to go HIGH, not FAR, so...

After a couple practice throws -- towards the wall -- Ellie felt like she had a good enough feel for how to launch it successfully. What angle, when to release it, how much force was needed. She could actually hear Joel in her head, giving her pointers. However, the problem with listening to the Joel in her head was that unless she was recalling a prior lesson, he could only tell her useful stuff after she learned it herself by trial and error. Maybe that's how the ACTUAL Joel knows so much: lots of trial and error over the years.

One... two... three!

...YES!

The Joel in her head was proud of her... but he was a poor substitute for the real thing.
At least Max was here to witness her throwing prowess. Oh -- right -- except he can't see! He was stuck on the other side of the wall. She moved closer to it to talk to him. "Made it! Easily! Now if I can just get myself through that easily..."

"Take it slow. Prob'ly easier to lay on your back and wiggle through that way, so you can see... and move your arms more naturally. Keep your fingers tensed up."

Ellie was hesitant to even touch the thing. As she reached for it tentatively, an ancient memory bubbled up: from when they'd first arrived in Jackson, and Joel had acted like he was going to test the fence with his hand... then her hand. Just trying to make her smile. Then she'd confessed that she was afraid maybe Tommy wouldn't want her there. She was supposed to be with the Fireflies and Joel was supposed to return by himself, after all.

So Joel told me we're a package deal. Can't have one without the other. ...And then he just fucking LEAVES me a year later?

She was so fucking furious with Tommy... and the anger didn't leave much room to feel the actual pain she knew was lurking there underneath it. The pain of Joel abandoning her after promising he wouldn't.

Fuck -- just CONCENTRATE -- deal with your stupid emotions later! The only UNDERNEATH thing you have to deal with is the literal kind! The fence was a little too far away from the wall to speak to Max, even in a 'normal shouting voice.' She ran back over to the wall. "Uh... Max? What happens if I accidentally touch it? The electric part, I mean. And don't mess with me cuz I'm not in the mood!"

"...So don't ask if you've seen how the little cartoon dudes turn into black poofs of--"

"No! Fuck you!"

"Haha... okay... you know, I ain't sure? I know it's set at a high enough voltage to give you a good shock, but it won't kill you. You're young... your heart can take it."

"So it's gonna give me a heart attack?! People die from those!"

"Just don't touch it, then."

She snorted. "Gee, thanks. Okay... I guess you'll be able to hear it if I fry myself?"

"I can still go find a ladder--"

"No -- I'm going!"

"Know what else I can do... I can find something to drag over here, big enough to climb on and get over... then I can hold the fence up for you. MIGHT be able to sneak back in through the gate without anyone seeing if they're not paying attention--"

"Don't worry, I can do it!" She wasn't sure what he meant about sneaking through the gate, but she didn't know the whole perimeter setup of where the fences started tapering off into the gates and stuff like that. Whatever-- "Thanks anyway!" she added.

Even though the vertical wires were allegedly safe, she cringed and held her breath before pinching one with her fingers... nothing happened. Max was right! She pinched another one, resisting the urge to rest her hands against them and grasp them normally; there wasn't enough room in between the horizontal wires for that. She tested the give of the fence, tugging it upward. There wasn't a lot of slack. Like, at all. But she didn't need a ton... Yeah, okay... I can do this... She lay down on her side, as close to the fence as she dared...

And then got up and ran back to the wall to ask another question.

"Hey... Max? Does the bottom one count as a horizontal wire? It looks a little different."

"Far as I know."

"Damn," she muttered. "Okay..."

"Are you SURE you don't want me to--"

"Yes! Stay there! I won't come back again, I swear -- I'm just going to let out a big whoop from the other side so you'll know I made it!"

She ran back to the fence and lay down beside it again. Pinched an un-shocking wire near the bottom with her left hand and pushed it up enough to slide her right arm underneath it, rolling onto her back as she went... but this angle wasn't going to work. She couldn't lift enough of it to just slide on through length-wise, like she probably could if Max was lifting it with both hands spread wide apart. Nope, she was going to have to do it the long way...

She tried not to imagine a blackened cartoon Ellie body sprawled out there for a patrol to find. Ugh!

No way -- you got this, Ellie... you're halfway and not even breaking a sweat... although that might just be cuz it's kinda cold out here...

Her hands felt shaky as fuck, for some reason... it was the odd strain it put on her fingers, she supposed. When her hips were through, she twisted enough to sit up and yank the thing higher -- swung her legs around, and --

I'm Out!

"Woohooooooo!" she whooped to Max. She wanted to say goodbye, and to thank him properly, but if she kept yelling and he couldn't catch the words, he might think something was wrong and come after her, which would probably alert Tommy that she'd escaped -- not only that, but it would indicate in which direction she'd escaped.

She should probably feel a little guilty about lying to Max... like, how would he feel when she never came back, and he knew that he was the one who--

Nah, he'll be fine-- in the past, he'd shown her that he wasn't one to dwell on shit like that. On things like guilt. Besides, Ellie just couldn't care about that right now! She couldn't care about anyone or anything that wasn't Joel. He was all that mattered.

She collected her backpack and took off running into the trees as fast as she could. She was going to have to swing back around to go catch the highway... fuck, I hope I can remember enough without that useless map! She was pretty sure she could get to the jeep; they'd done that a few times now, since they'd been back. Their 'Sunday joyrides,' as Joel liked to call them. More like 'Sunday hikes,' since they spent way more time walking to and from the jeep than driving it! And today is Sunday... we WERE going to take today off from the hike... ha. Nope!

Ellie knew how important it was to be cognizant of her surroundings at all times, even when she was with Joel -- they might get separated, or he might fall on a fucking rebar and force her to take over -- but that didn't seem to prevent her from getting lazy about it sometimes when she was with him. How the fuck does he do it? How can he stay so fucking alert all the time? For weeks on end. Months, even. He had good instincts, which he liked to say can't be taught... but Ellie felt like it was also a skill. How could it not be, if she had improved it over time herself? She liked to think she was honing it... following in Joel's footsteps... that one day, she would be as awesome at everything as he was.

Ellie stopped running when her body demanded it, and even then, she didn't completely stop moving. She knew she couldn't run the entire hour and a half or whatever it was to get to the jeep -- she just needed that initial burst of speed to distance herself from Jackson quickly, in case anyone had heard her yelling and then tried to find her. She didn't know why they would, unless Tommy had gotten freaked out when the blowjob-rejecting dude informed him that she'd run off. Maybe he would send people out looking for her?

She was counting on the fact that they would limit the search to looking in town... for a good long while, probably. Max would cover for her, and she felt like he was probably a good liar. He reminded her of Joel in some ways... and that was one of the ways she felt they were likely to be similar. When she'd cheekily suggested to Joel that maybe the reason he didn't like Max was that he reminded him of himself, Joel had gotten all mad and denied it and said the reason was because Max was an arrogant asshole. Or something along those lines.

Fuck, Joel... why did you leave me?

She knew why: fucking Tommy. But her heart still kept asking the question anyway. Over and over, until the words lost their meaning. She tried to do what Joel did -- using his Outside 'mindfulness' or whatever to avoid feeling shit -- even though she really wasn't being all that vigilant because she knew Joel had just come through here. There was nowhere else he would be taking that fucking strawberry jam. He would definitely start by going to the last known place Paul and Karma were living, and if they weren't there anymore, he'd follow the railroad until he found them. He had just left that morning, on foot; Ellie couldn't be too far behind him. It would've been nice to have a horse, but it was a little harder to smuggle a horse over a wall and under an electric fence than it was a small human. It was also possible Joel hadn't gone to the jeep... that he'd left it for her, in case she wanted to return to Monterey someday. She could see him doing that. Even though she could never go back there without him... would he realize that?

Probably not. Because he apparently thought that she would be just fine living in Jackson without him. Does he just not GET how much I love him? Did I not tell him enough?

If he had left the jeep for her, she would catch up to him pretty quickly, assuming he'd be close enough to the highway... if he saw or heard her coming, would he call out to her, or hide from her? she wondered. I think it would bug him to know that I was Outside without him... he would at least stick close to me, to make sure I was safe, and maybe he wouldn't be able to stand seeing me but not interacting with me...

Maybe he decided to take the jeep himself, in order to not give her the means to catch up to him so quickly... maybe he would assume she'd lose all hope if she found the jeep gone -- that she would just give up and go back to Jackson in defeat. Like she could just forget about him.

What was he THINKING?

But... he wasn't thinking. He had clearly let Tommy do the thinking for him. Tommy had somehow managed to convince him that she would be better off this way. And Joel just... he fucking believed it.

She could imagine Joel telling Tommy to take good care of his baby girl. Ha! She hoped Tommy felt like shit now, losing track of her after like an hour.

But that's not his job anyway, Joel... it's YOURS. You take care of me, and I take care of you. There's no one else in between. No one else that matters.

She couldn't wait to find Joel and tell him things like this. So much she wanted to say, all jumbled in her brain... words tumbling around like clothes in a dryer... she already knew she couldn't prepare a speech in advance or anything like that. That never worked. She had to speak from the heart. Say what she felt. Control her temper. Listen to Joel's stupid opinions, really listen... and then make sure he understood why he was wrong and she was right.

And if that didn't work, then... she would say whatever the fuck she needed to say until she won the battle. It was one she couldn't afford to lose.

* * * * * * *

Ellie started running again when she reached the turn-off for the 'jeep house.' She didn't follow the roads around -- she remembered the shortcut they had taken through the hilly woodsy spaces in between. She ran through the 'backyard forest,' knowing she wouldn't even be able to tell if the jeep was there or not until she rounded that last corner and stepped onto the driveway. If the garage door was shut, the jeep was most likely still there, because if Joel had taken it, he wouldn't have bothered to close the door behind him.

She couldn't decide what she was hoping to find. Did she want to find the jeep there, so she had the means to catch up with Joel faster? Or did she want to not find the jeep there, so she knew she was definitely on the right track and that Joel had made it there safe and sound?

Maybe the latter would be better. If he was driving the jeep, he'd pretty much be chained to the highway. She might be able to predict where he would stop for the night. He must not have slept much last night, if at all, and he was old, so he'd probably have to stop pretty early -- he was always telling her how much easier it was for him to go without sleep when he was younger. Ugh... but if he gets "re-acclimated to Outside" fast enough... she had seen him go without sleep for long stretches before.

Surely he wouldn't want to risk falling asleep while driving, though, and then end up crashing the jeep... oh God, what if I find his dead body in the jeep in a ditch somewhere?! She had already decided to go a couple days without sleep if necessary to catch up to him. She could do that way more easily than Joel could -- and she was counting on Joel not feeling the same sense of urgency here. No way would he be expecting her to catch up to him so soon.

But how far could he go in that thing -- without having to go slow with a horse tied to it, even -- in one day? Would Ellie even be able to catch him by morning if she moved quickly and took no breaks whatsoever? Wouldn't she need to stop and check some of the places Joel might have stopped? Maybe he wouldn't even make it 'til nighttime, and thus, wouldn't go very many miles at all today -- maybe he was taking a nap right now to restore his strength, and she'd catch up to him in no time!

Possibility after possibility flooded her brain, to the point where it was overwhelming. Calm down -- one thing at a time -- first, see if the jeep is there in the garage, and go from there -- this is the house right here! I just have to go around to the front!

And it only just now occurred to her that she didn't have the keys, so if Joel didn't take the jeep... fuck, why didn't I go see if HE took them before I left?! So stupid! She hadn't packed them up with their stuff yesterday, since Tommy had made it clear she and Joel wouldn't be ~allowed~ to go on little trips anymore... but had Joel taken them? She should have checked their house before going to Max's.

Well, too late now, and I'm about to find out anyway--

The garage door was open--

And the jeep is in there -- backed in like always-- but--

-- --What the fuck?!--

JOEL'S INSIDE IT! He didn't leave!

He was sitting in the driver seat -- pointing a fucking gun at her!

~Continue to Chapter 38~

"Singularity" Chapter 36: "Somewhere Between ‘I Love You’ and ‘I’m Leavin’" [36/49]

2022-06-22T12:53:08Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 36: "Somewhere Between ‘I Love You’ and ‘I’m Leavin’" [36/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 10,566
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

"...you're the only thing on Earth that I believe in
And I'm somewhere between 'I love you' and 'I'm leavin'...' "
~Cody Jinks

At least Tommy had opted to tell Maria in private. Perhaps to spare everyone the drama of her reaction... or maybe for his own reasons.

Joel had accidentally caught a bit of an argument between the two of them about the new living arrangements: Maria only wanted Ellie to stay, not Joel. Joel had made his presence known at that point, and subsequently offered to make himself as scarce as possible, but Tommy wasn't having it. He said he "needed to keep a close eye" on Joel. Maria had eventually capitulated... and Joel planned on staying the hell out of her way. He wouldn't have been surprised if a second sucker punch had come his way that day, but she seemed content to hit him with cold looks of utter contempt instead.

Dinner that night had been an awkward affair, even with the subject of his and Ellie's relationship declared temporarily off limits (in the interest of everyone making it through the meal... not that anyone ate with much gusto). Ellie, whose own private talk with Maria clearly hadn't gone very well, had been sullen and withdrawn, and her mood tended to have a way of infecting them all, good or bad. Maria hadn't yet given Joel a piece of her mind on his crimes against Ellie... but her cordiality felt forced and hollow, and those accusatory looks she shot him made her opinion plain enough.

It wasn't easy convincing Ellie to go watch "some dumb movie" that night, but they managed it -- only after Tommy swore to her on Grayson's life that he wouldn't lay a hand on Joel. Joel reckoned he'd gotten that little itch out of his system earlier -- violence really was not Tommy's style, even in this day and age -- but Ellie made him swear anyhow. Now that she was out of the house and Maria was upstairs bathing the baby, Tommy and Joel could have the "man to man" talk that Tommy desired. Without Ellie there to serve as buffer, Joel expected Tommy to really lay into him -- not physically, but verbally. And the verbal barrage would probably be far more painful. Joel could defend himself up to a point: he wasn't a predator (at least in the traditional sense), he wasn't just using Ellie for sex or to stroke his ego, etcetera. But he didn't expect Tommy to dwell much on those concepts. Nope, he'll go right for the jugular: things I know to be true that I've been too selfish or too much of a coward to fix.

They were seated in the living room, Tommy on the big sofa and Joel on the loveseat, far enough apart that if Tommy did decide, promise or no promise, to launch himself at Joel and strangle him, Joel could react accordingly. They stared at each other for probably half a minute before Tommy found his words. "I gotta ask you... were you thinkin' long term, at all... when you started this... business with her?"

Yep, that's what we are: entrepreneurs, starting our own business together... Joel wasn't going to be a smartass, though. "Surprised you're givin' me any credit for thinkin', period." (...Maybe just a little bit of a smartass.)

"Awfully generous of me, I know. But no, I don't think you thought it through. You could've come to me an' told me you were strugglin', we could've worked somethin' out... but you didn't. You just... kept doin' the wrong thing. I think that... you got caught up in the moment. Gave in to this... vile lust you feel for this young girl... and once you got goin', you thought you'd best just keep on goin'. No lookin' back. Am I right?"

He thinks I should've asked him for HELP? Oh, Tommy would have just loved for Joel to seek his wisdom on how to get a handle on his... inappropriate feelings and whatnot. Christ. ...But... much as the idea pains me, maybe that's what I should have done. And Tommy had offered to take Ellie in a while back, to allow her to get over her little 'crush' on Joel -- it was too late by then, but perhaps not irreparably so. Of course, Joel was far too selfish to entertain 'solutions' like that. Ones that involved separating himself from Ellie... who literally was his better half (corny as that expression was, it rang true).

It took him a moment to remember that he actually had to answer his brother's questions now instead of just sitting back and letting Ellie rant and rage. Or, if not answer them, at least engage in conversation. Joel didn't feel like answering the question posed, so-- "What's the point of this, Tommy? No matter what I say, you're gonna jus' sit there an' judge me. You got somethin' to get off your chest, go right on ahead."

Tommy shook his head. "I just wanna understand what happened. I want us to have an open an' honest dialogue about it. Without havin' to sugarcoat things or omit things so as not to upset Ellie. I really do wanna know... I mean, if you were fightin' your feelin's, you must've known they were wrong, so... what changed?"

Of course he knew they were wrong. At least he's giving me SOME credit. Joel sighed. "I don' know, all right? You think I don't ask myself the same damn thing? You wanna pyschoanalyze me... I can't even tell you the answers to some of this shit 'cause I don' know 'em myself." It sounded like a cop out, but it was the truth.

"Just... can you at least try? At some point, you must've decided it was okay. How did you get there?" At least Tommy sounded more curious than accusatory now.

Can I really explain it so that he GETS it? ...No. There would be no ~winning him over~. The best Joel could hope for was... what? Compassion? Here we go-- "Well... as you may recall, I was worried about Ellie bein' with other boys, when we first got here. She's naïve... she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt... I didn't want her gettin' herself into trouble." He paused, but Tommy didn't fire back any snarky remarks, so he continued. "I wasn't thinkin' about... bein' with her, that way... I really wasn't. But after she... ...when I started considerin' it as a real possibility -- me'n'her? -- I guess I reckoned if she was with me, instead of some little punk, then I wouldn't have to worry about her gettin' herself into any... bad situations, in that regard. You're gonna say it's ironic -- go on, say it --" But Tommy just indicated for him to continue. "That was one justification I had in my head: at least she's with a man who loves her and ain't gonna try an' mess with her head... or get her in bed and dump her the next day. Shit like that -- or worse, of course. It made it seem... not so bad, me bein' with her. Now, I know you're gonna say I am messin' with her head--"

"Quit worryin' about what I'm gonna say," Tommy advised.

"I can't, though. Because whatever you're thinkin' right now... believe me. It's already crossed my mind. How can I think no one else is good enough for her but me, when I ain't nowhere near good enough myself? But... she's the one thing that I... I am good with her. I've gotten to know her real good, past couple of years. I know what she needs... and I can give it to her. I know when she's happy an' when she ain't... I know when she's tryin' to say or do what she thinks I want, instead of bein' her genuine self." This wasn't necessarily true one hundred percent of the time, but enough that he could make the claim to Tommy. "I really felt like... why shouldn't it be me, then... as long as I'm the one she wants? Things ain't like they were in 2013. She won't be goin' off to college, meetin' a bunch of new people, havin' all kinds of new experiences... livin' a life totally different from mine, with my job an' the mortgage an' whatnot... it ain't like that at all. When we're Outside, our primary focus is survival. And here in town... we have the same life. We both go to work. We have the same leisure activities -- I mean... with some variations, the entire town does -- not a lot of options as far as where to go an' what to do. At least not like it was back in the day. So the age difference ain't as significant these days as it was back then." He paused to give Tommy a chance to berate him for any of that, should he feel so inclined.

"I can understand that," Tommy said instead. "But there's still the... difference in life experience. Huge difference. You've been alive... more than three times as long as she has. You've been around the block. You know who you are, what you want. You've been married, had a kid... all that. But Ellie... bein' so young... impressionable... she's prob'ly confusin' her feelin's of gratitude with... other things..."

Joel sighed again. "I've thought about all of that too, all right? I get it. One thing I've learned, though -- you can't tell that girl how she feels about somethin' when she's got it in her head that she feels somethin' else. And from what I've seen... this ain't some schoolgirl crush. She ain't just... in love with the idea of love. The way she is, with me..." Joel didn't even know how to begin to articulate this properly. However, he also did not care to share intimate details of this relationship with his goddamn brother, so he didn't even try to expand on his statement. Put simply: "She does truly love me. Trust me on that one."

Tommy sighed, too. "She needs you. I won't deny that. And I know you need her. But I've said this before and I'm gonna say it again: there's such a thing as too much. You're codependent, the both of you. It ain't healthy."

Joel had known it would only be a matter of time before Tommy used the 'h' word; knowing that didn't make it any less irritating to hear, though. He wasn't exactly sure what all was entailed in being codependent, but... he needed Ellie like he needed air to breathe, and he couldn't disagree that that was unhealthy. Dangerous, even. "I don't care about that, in terms of myself. As for Ellie... I've never tried to keep her from seein' her friends, from doin' things on her own--"

"And yet, she spends most of her free time with you. ...You've had more influence in her life than anyone, ever. Is that fair to say?" He waited for Joel to acknowledge this. "I wonder if she feeds off your need, like... she can sense how much you need her, an' that makes her feel good, so in turn, she mirrors--"

"What are you sayin'? She's manipulatin' the situation?"

"No, no -- not at all. She ain't doin' anything consciously, I don't think. But you're... pretty much definin' her happiness based on this... sick need, that you have... I ain't even talkin' about the sex. She's wanted a family her whole life -- she said so herself, that one night. Family matters more to her than her friendships. Which is a little backwards for a teenage girl, but--"

"You can't be sayin' it ain't good that she loves her family." Joel wasn't even going to ask him to explain what he meant by that "defining her happiness" bullshit.

"Of course not. Especially nowadays... I think people in general are more inclined to value what little family they've got left. Things are different now... I'll grant you that. But are they so different that--" Tommy cut himself off.

"That what?" Joel prompted. "Jus' say it."

Tommy took another few moments to formulate a new thought instead of finishing that sentence. "Jackson ain't that big. I know that. But it's gettin' bigger an' bigger. Ellie might not be goin' off to college, no, but she can meet new people. I'm sure she'd get on real good with plenty of 'em. Maybe she'll meet a guy -- a decent young man, no one for you to worry about -- who's more... suitable for her. Someone who can give her somethin' you can't: a family of her own."

Joel bristled at this. "That's exactly what I gave her," he retorted, even though he knew damn well what his brother was referring to.

"I mean marriage. Kids. Someone to grow old with. You plan on givin' her any of those?"

Joel felt the rage starting to boil up inside him at last. "I could. She's a little young for that right now--"

"Really. You're gonna give that to her." Words of disbelief, accompanied by the most dubious of looks.

"I could," he repeated dumbly (conveniently ignoring the 'someone to grow old with' part). ...But WOULD I? WILL I? Getting defensive on this subject was the emotional response; his brain did register Tommy's logic. It was something he'd already given considerable thought to himself, of course. "She's sixteen, Tommy. You're gettin' a little ahead of yourself. Look -- I know I ain't gonna be the last person she ever loves. The last... partner, boyfriend... whatever. There's plenty of time for all that after I'm gone."

"You sure about that, big brother? 'Cause I know you're one stubborn son of a gun, and I can see you outlivin' Laurette... even Kimmie. That's another... thirty-five years or more. Say you live to be ninety. That puts Ellie at... what, fifty-five? You think she's gonna go on an' have kids then?"

Again -- all thoughts that had occurred to Joel. That didn't mean he couldn't argue the point, though. "You're talkin' way down the road. If I live that long -- and that's a big 'if' -- there's no guarantee Ellie will still be with me." Give me enough time, and there's a good chance I'll fuck things up beyond repair before too much longer... Relationships weren't exactly his strong suit. The fact that this unhealthy relationship with Ellie was his healthiest one, by far... well, that spoke volumes. "She might not even be with me two years from now -- at eighteen. Still plenty of time for her to find someone new, and have a family -- if that's what she wants."

"I've seen her around kids. She loves 'em."

No shit. "Yeah? So what? She's never once said to me that she wants to be a mother." And that was the truth. Joel knew she had some anxiety over how good a mother she would be, seeing as how she'd never had a mother herself, but he got the distinct feeling that she did want the chance, someday. He knew that she knew that he didn't want kids, so it wasn't a subject they'd discussed in depth. It wasn't a decision that should even be on the table for a sixteen-year-old anyhow. He changed tactics: "As I said, she's a bit young for all that right now, don'tcha think? But if havin' kids--"

"She's a bit young to be havin' sex. Hell -- she could be pregnant right now, thanks to you."

Oh shit... has he observed something that makes him think she might be? But Joel wasn't going to discuss the possibility with his goddamn brother. "She ain't pregnant," he muttered, hoping like hell it was true. "I do pull out."

Tommy blanched. "Ugh... I do not need to know what you--"

"You need to know that much." And I'd better head off the only-abstinence-is-one-hundred-percent-effective lecture-- "What I was gettin' at... if motherhood is somethin' she decides she wants down the road, who's to say I can't give that to her?"

Tommy smirked. "You? You can't tell me you wanna be a father again. You can barely even stand to be around Grayson."

"That ain't true. I just ain't into babies. When he's three, four? Can carry on a conversation? I'll be more interested." Why does everyone act like I should be fawning over my nephew as if he was my own? It was really starting to grate on his nerves.

"Not sure I buy that, but... fine. That ain't the only thing -- there's also the fact that you flat-out told me you would never even think about becomin' a father again. You remember that?"

Of course Tommy would throw that in his face right now. "I remember. That was years ago. Before I even knew Ellie. In case you haven't noticed, I'm different now. -No, I know you noticed: you told Ellie how much she changed me. That meant a lot to her, what you said."

Tommy snorted. "Prob'ly made her feel real special. Contributed to her dependency on you. I can kick myself for that one now. All right -- never mind that. Say you go along with what she wants and you decide to have a kid with her... ten years or so from now. Whenever she's ready. Are you willin' to parent a newborn in your sixties? Are you even gonna see the kid grow up, or are you gonna leave her to be--"

"Hold on, now, Tommy, which one is it: I'm gonna live 'til I'm ninety? Or I'm gonna croak in my sixties? You're contradictin' yourself."

"I guess what I'm gettin' at is... you an' her don't make sense, in the long run. Right now... you've obviously got a real strong bond. An unhealthy one, but a strong one. You've been through a lot together. The... intimacy part... does baffle me, not gonna lie. And I can't help but wonder if Ellie... developed those feelin's... on account of pickin' up some vibes off you. Not intentional, on your part, maybe, but at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen... when those feelin's are brand new, and you don't quite understand 'em yet--"

"Believe me, Tommy, I've wondered the same thing. You say anythin' like that to Ellie, though, and she'll just get pissed off. She'll take it as an insult."

"Well, of course she will. Anyone would. That don't mean it ain't true. It don't mean you should just... give in and do whatever she wants. You're the adult... so be the adult."

Easier said than done. Not that Tommy would understand, since he didn't harbor any "vile lust" towards Ellie and was apparently at least partially immune to her charms. I get what he's saying, though...

Joel hadn't given this detail any thought recently, but... it seemed that Ellie had started trying to change the nature of their relationship shortly after that incident in the bed, where he'd felt her up in his sleep. She'd been awfully complacent about the whole thing, not at all upset like he'd expected her to be... because no one had ever touched her like that before... here she is, getting all this affection from me just from sharing the bed in the first place, and then I go and do that... and she already loves me, platonically... maybe it felt good, so she decided it meant she felt attraction towards me, and she built it up in her mind--

"Where did you go right there?" Tommy interrupted his thoughts. "You know I'm right, don't you. Ellie's had... what, zero experience with the opposite sex before now?"

That was true. As for the SAME sex... Tommy didn't need to know about that. It wasn't the sort of thing Joel would casually share with people; that was Ellie's decision, and hers alone. Tommy would probably think I interfered with her... her budding sexuality. -Hell -- maybe that's exactly what I DID. But that wasn't something Joel needed to figure out right now, while he was tasked with the impossible: making all of this make sense for Tommy. "Regardless of how she fell in love with me, how healthy or unhealthy it is... she is in love with me. She wants to have a future with me. And two or three years from now, if she still wants that... when she's old enough that people can cock their eyebrows an' cluck their tongues but have no grounds to get all up in arms about it? If she'll have me... I will ask her to marry me."

...I will?

I WILL.

Joel had only decided that very moment, as he heard the words tumbling out of his mouth... but he realized he very much meant it. I've known for a while that I want her to be my wife someday... so why WOULDN'T I ask--

"Seriously? You'll ask her to marry you... you would have her give up the best years of her life to be with an old man? Would you really ask that of her, Joel?"

Leave it to Tommy to remind me why I shouldn't. It was a crazy idea, sure... but now Joel felt defensive of it. "I ain't got one foot in the grave just yet. Yes, I would ask her. She'd decide that for herself."

"It wouldn't be a fair question. After she's been with you four or five years, been with no one else -- she wouldn't even know what she's givin' up. One thing I know about Ellie: she's loyal to a fault. Of course she'd say yes. Hell, she'd prob'ly say yes if you asked her right now, without thinkin' it through."

Irritating as it was to admit, Joel knew Tommy was right. "But it's still my choice to make!" said the Ellie in his head. He could hear her loud and clear: she wouldn't be giving up anything because everything she got in return would more than compensate... just because she was young didn't mean that Joel had brainwashed her into loving him...

Into being so completely dependent on me...

-But of course he had. He hadn't intended to, but he had. In a way, what he and Ellie had wasn't even real.

Thinking of it that way should have felt... painful? Something. But Joel felt nothing. It just... made sense. Much more sense than "it's fate" or whatever crap Ellie liked to believe that made it okay for someone his age to be with someone her age. You know what they say: if something feels too good to be true...

Tommy leaned forward. "Joel... I'll get to the point. The way you've... abused the trust of this sweet young girl... it's... troublesome, to say the least. Me'n'you may not see eye to eye on every fact of the matter, but we both agree that... you want what's best for her. We both want that. The age she's at right now.... these are real formative years for her. She's still a kid, but startin' to come into her own... things are confusin' an' scary... and I get that she's ahead of her years, mentally. She's mature in some ways. But not across the board. She is still a teenager. Still new to... love, in this sense. Now, I know things are different from when we were teenagers -- I know that. But think back to your teenage years... how different you were then from the person you are today. You of all people-- I mean, you had to grow up faster than most. You got pigeon-holed into what your adult life was gonna be at a real young age... I know you felt cheated, later on. I know you did."

They'd never had a heart to heart about it or anything, but over the years, Joel had conveyed that feeling in various ways. "That don't mean I'm sorry about the way things worked out. Those dreams I put on hold... what are the odds I would've gone to Nashville an' made it as a country artist anyhow? I wouldn't've traded havin' Sarah for any of that shit that I supposedly missed out on."

"Of course you wouldn't. But if you could map out your life... that ain't how you would've drawn it up. Not even talkin' about Nashville. Just... you would've had Sarah when you were older. When you were ready."

"None of us got that luxury," Joel countered. "Maybe I never would've had her 'cause then the world went to shit and I never got the chance. Shit happens."

"All right -- never mind about that -- leave Sarah out of it then, too. Just think back to how your teenage self felt about her mama. At the time, you didn' know any better -- you thought you had what you wanted... thought you were in love... and things didn't work out. You're a hell of a lot smarter now than you were then, on account of all the life experience. You make better decis--" Tommy snorted. "Scratch that. Anyhow... you get what I'm drivin' at here?"

"Oh, I get it, all right: you think I'm bein' a selfish asshole." ...And you would be right.

"No, I think you're bein' short-sighted. I think you use Ellie's... deep-seated need for you... you use that as a justification for... well, all kinds of shit, prob'ly. But she's a tough kid--"

"Sure she is. Tougher than most. But she's also got a real vulnerable side, Tommy. You've seen glimpses of it... but you haven't seen it as much as I have. She needs... stability. Lots of--"

"She'll have it. This is a stable home... she'll get all the love an' support she needs here."

There it is. Joel had suspected that that's where Tommy was leading him with all this bullshit: he and Maria intended to assume the role of Ellie's primary support system, and there was only one way that would ever happen. "You want me gone. As in, gone from your town."

"Not forever. But for a good long while. I'm talkin'... years. If you come back too soon, it might just be like Cordy an' Alyssa. Kid moves on, but then as soon as Ellie moves back to town..." Tommy chuckled.

His baby brother was talking about decimating Joel's whole world... and chuckling about it. Not to mention equating me and Ellie to a couple of clueless thirteen-year-olds...

"Think about it, Joel," Tommy pressed. "You two livin' in separate houses ain't gonna work. She's still gonna see you... even if you do the right thing an' refuse to sneak around with her, the wound ain't gonna heal right. You need to just rip that band-aid right off, all at once."

He makes it sound so damn easy. "I can't do that to her, Tommy. I can't rip her heart out like that."

"You ain't doin' it to her... you're doin' it for her. Maybe you go back to California... make yourself a new life out there... maybe you don't even look back. But if you find yourself itchin' to come back here in... say, five years? When Ellie's twenty-one? That's... still young as hell, compared to you, but it's a more respectable age than sixteen. She'll have all that time to sort herself out. To meet more people... to grow an' change... do whatever it is she's gonna do... and if you come back an' find that you two still have that bond like you have now? Maybe you start seein' each other again an' see where it goes." He smiled a little. "At the very least, Grayson will be old enough for you to talk to an' play with."

Sure. I can see it now... "Hey kid, you were just a baby when I left so you don't remember me, but I'm your Uncle Joel. I left town 'cause I was a pedophile. But I'm all cured of that now so I came back!" Joel kept this thought to himself... but he didn't know what to say instead.

Tommy kept talking. "The next few years... they'll fly by for you. But they're a much bigger portion of Ellie's life -- a significant portion. Formative years, like I said. You've had a lot of influence on her, uh... development, already... some good, some bad... but don't fall into the trap of thinkin' you might as well keep doin' what you're doin' 'cause it's too late to make any difference now. That ain't true. It ain't too late for you to do the right thing."

Tommy couldn't have known it, but those words sparked a memory that only made him feel more protective of Ellie. Made him feel more like staying with her, not entrusting her to anyone else. I've heard almost that exact same thing before... when asked to do something completely WRONG... but of course, he wouldn't be sentencing to Ellie to death in this case. No, it's the opposite: I'd be giving her a LIFE...

"There are lots of people in this town who care for her," Tommy continued -- no doubt encouraged by the fact that Joel had not yet told him to go to hell. "She'll have a good life here. I can promise you that."

Joel hadn't told him to go to hell yet because... I can't argue this. Tommy ain't Marlene: he's right. Ellie's real special... how much better off would she be without me holding her back? She could have her pick of partners, and who was Joel to say that none of them would be as good for her as himself? Maybe that ranch kid she was so interested in, that day at the new farm... she wanted to go back after, too... wouldn't tell me why...

Joel couldn't bear to follow that thought to its end. Imagining her with someone good stung far more than it should.

But to hell with all that-- "Here's the thing, though. She ain't gonna accept this. She'll never let me leave. You can say all you want about me bein' the adult, but I'm tellin' you -- she physically will not let me leave." He snorted. "You'd have to borrow those handcuffs. Traumatize the poor girl. And for how long? The second you free her, she's gonna come after me."

Tommy nodded. "That's gonna be a problem, I know. I'll alert the gates not to let her out under any circumstances. Not even with another adult. Safer that way, what with her bite an' all... although we still haven't located the damn scanner... anyhow, I was also thinkin'... you just don't tell her you're leavin'. Leave her a note if you want, but don't tell her to her face."

A goddamn note? Christ... Ellie would be crushed if he did that. Absolutely devastated. Joel had already imagined that very thing after discussing it with Paul -- and I thanked God that things would never come to that.

Tommy sure seemed to like the idea, though. "Besides, can you imagine sayin' goodbye to her in person? You wouldn't be able to go through with it."

Joel couldn't argue with that, either. He'd have to just... hang on, now -- why am I even THINKING about this? I can't do it. I CANNOT leave her. "Tommy, I never agreed to this. You're actin' like it's a done deal. If you want me gone... why don't you start a Jackson County Prison, just throw me in a cell... pick a basement somewhere. I'll be your first inmate. Not even jokin'. Let's do it." Maybe I'm HALF joking...

That idea actually made Tommy look sad. "I don't want that."

"Why not? You can tell Ellie I left. Tell her I abandoned her. Make sure she's good an' mad and she'll get over me in a hurry. Ain't that what you want?"

"No. What I want is for you to leave town, and I'll tell her the truth: you left because you do love her. Because you wanna do right by her. That... by lettin' her go, you're freein' her up to new possibilities. That you want a better life for her." Tommy leaned even more forward and looked at him earnestly. "Joel, I know that's what you've always wanted. Ever since you came back... after the Firefly thing. You can give that to her now -- a normal life."

Joel felt his throat constricting... goddamnit. He stared hard at a stain on the carpet. Memorized its shape while his mind sort of... emptied itself. He couldn't think about it, let alone feel it. The concept of leaving Ellie, of separating himself from someone who was such a huge part of himself, was just... so foreign.

But everything Tommy was saying made perfect sense.

The knot in Joel's stomach began to unravel itself... the weight on his shoulders began to lessen... the inexplicable dread he'd been feeling since... since when? The day we left the beach? Turns out, it has an antidote: THIS is the answer. He hadn't been dreading his brother finding out, or the town finding out... it wasn't the arrival of the day of reckoning -- none of that. It was the simple fact that there was only one way to do right by Ellie after doing so much wrong, and the time had come for him to do it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

Maybe it was karma. He'd tried to foist Ellie off on Tommy a long time ago, but changed his mind right afterward... maybe I should've gone through with it back then--

No. No, he couldn't regret that, given how the Firefly situation had turned out. Tommy may or may not have gotten her all the way to Salt Lake City... may or may not have been able to save her life, perhaps by some other means than Joel had... there was just no way to know what would have happened, and the fact of the matter was, both Tommy and Ellie could've been killed.

If this was karma at work, it was clearly punishing him for what had happened next. Either with the Fireflies, or by taking advantage of Ellie... whatever. Whether Joel regretted it or not really didn't factor into the equation. I know I've done wrong... LOTS of wrong... what's that saying... two wrongs don't make a right? ...How about two HUNDRED wrongs don't make a right... and if he'd done 'one right' in bringing Ellie safely to Jackson, giving her the chance to have a new life, well... how long could he milk that for, anyhow? It was done. Mission accomplished. There was no legitimate reason for him to still feel like he needed to be with her. She was where she needed to be now. She was safe, loved... nourished in every way that she needed to be happy. She didn't actually need him to be happy. Ain't it just my own selfish desires telling me that we're ~MEANT TO BE~ and whatnot? It's all bullshit. It ain't REAL.

He barely heard it when Maria tentatively asked if she could join them. Barely noticed when Tommy drew her to his side.

It was a long moment before Joel felt ready to speak, and it seemed that Tommy and Maria were just waiting on him to continue the conversation. Tommy knows... he knows he got me... Joel kept staring at the discolored carpet. "I know the two of you care about her," he said slowly.

"We love her very much," Maria assured him, the warmth now restored to her voice.

Joel nodded. "But the fact is... she ain't your daughter. You have your own child now. Ellie... she needs to feel like she's a priority. That she's special. Every kid needs that." Shit, I'm getting choked up again...

"Of course!" Maria replied. "She has her own place in this family. We would never make her feel like... like she was less than. And we'll read up on... parenting teenagers." She seemed to be trying to catch his eye, but he did not look up to meet her gaze. "We'll talk to Claire, too -- we'll make sure we're giving her whatever support she needs."

Joel shook his head. "You don' need to do all that. Just love her. Give her lots of hugs. She... needs the affection." If she hadn't been so starved for it when he'd met her, would she have fallen for him so hard? "Just... know that even if she acts like she don't want you around, she actually does. She's not gonna understand any of this. She's gonna say things... she's gonna be mad for a while. Mad at you, mad at me... mad at the world, maybe. She'll prob'ly say things she don't mean. Don't hold 'em against her, all right? She's just..." ...GODDAMNIT... "She's just a kid," he whispered. I should've kept that in mind this whole time, and none of this would be happening right now.

"We know, Joel," Tommy said gently.

Joel was somewhat tempted to pass on every little tidbit of information that might possibly help them make the transition easier for Ellie, but all they really needed to do was love her -- and they did that already. The pieces were all in place... his resolve was strong... "I'll leave tonight," he announced, his voice now steely.

Maria gasped. "Tonight? Oh Joel, you don't have to do that..."

"I do. If I don't go now, I may never be able to do it." Not only that, but he knew that every moment with Ellie between now and whenever he finally left would be tainted... poisoned, even. It would be pure torture. And it wasn't like dragging things out would make it any easier to leave. On the contrary: each new memory from this point forward would serve as an additional roadblock on the way out. "But not until she's asleep," he added -- because, torture or not, he had to see her one last time.

Tommy nodded. "I understand. Anything you need, you let me know. I'll get it for you. ...You're doin' the right thing, Joel."

Joel was done discussing right and wrong... what's done is done. He couldn't second-guess himself on this -- and the more he thought about it, the more he would. All he wanted to think about now was the logistics. He planned on traveling real light this time. "I won't bother you about a horse. God knows I've already deprived you of two of 'em, and this time I may never come back."

Maria was actually sniffling now. "You can come back... someday?"

He had meant it in more of a 'shit happens' sense, but... "Don't say anything about that to Ellie. I don't want her holdin' out hope for... well, it would just defeat the whole purpose. She needs to forget about me." Said matter-of-factly -- he was done with his goddamn emotions now, too. Useless pieces of shit, those. They're what led me HERE.

"You know she won't do that," Tommy replied. "She won't forget. But... in time, she'll look back fondly. She'll understand why you did what you did. And she'll be grateful."

Joel wasn't so sure about that. I don't think there's enough TIME left in the world for her to reach that point... but it was a nice warm fuzzy lie he could comfort himself with later if he needed to.

* * * * * * *

They settled Ellie into the room that had been Joel's when they'd last lived here -- the one farthest down the hall. The hope was that with the door closed, Grayson's crying at all hours of the night wouldn't wake her. However, the door was open at the moment. Joel had given his word that he wouldn't be inappropriate with Ellie... although his word wasn't actually worth much to them these days. To them... and soon, it won't be worth a damn to Ellie, either... Joel had to shove painful thoughts like that deep down inside, where he could feel them later. Soon, he would have nothing but time to feel it all later... and even then, he would have to be careful about what he allowed himself to feel. If he had his way, he'd be done feeling any of it the moment he turned his back on her... but he didn't know how much mastery he'd have over his mind, in this situation. This was new territory. -New and old.

Right now, he knew he had to pump himself up. He told himself things like "I'm not LOSING Ellie -- I'm letting her go" and "Better late than never: finally I'm doing right by her."

As predicted, Ellie hadn't wanted to go to sleep by herself. Which was all his fault, of course. For a strong, capable sixteen-year-old to be so dependent on his presence simply to fall asleep was disgraceful. Sure, she had some PTSD issues that weren't his fault (...well, no, actually... they were, for the most part)... but thinking back to that very first night in Jackson, she had been willing to sleep on her own, in the end. It was Joel who had screwed it up because he couldn't sleep without her. Which was just... all kinds of wrong. A responsible parent would have talked to her, comforted her... taught her some self-soothing techniques, maybe gotten her a night light or a white noise machine... instilled a sense of pride in her that she could overcome the obstacles herself.

What had he done instead? He'd made damn sure that she became even more dependent on him than she already was.

But he could think about all the ways he'd royally screwed her up later, too. Doing so might help quell any second thoughts he might have along the way, after this hasty decision... that really wasn't so hasty -- it was a long time coming. (He might need to remind himself of that as well.)

They put a night light in her room -- Joel had made sure Tommy and Maria knew about the issues she had with the dark -- (also his fault, incidentally) -- and the hall light would remain on all night. Given that it was his last night with her, Tommy hadn't protested when Joel decided he was going to sit beside her -- just on the floor, not on the bed -- until she fell asleep. How he was ever going to summon the strength to get up and leave her room, Joel did not know.

She lay on her side, facing him, her hand encased in his. The light spilling in from the hall combined with the glow from the night light illuminated the room enough for them to see each other's faces -- Ellie called it "romantic" lighting. "What a day, huh?" She gave him a little smile that broke his heart.

"What a day," he agreed. He was leaning against the night stand, trying to keep a respectable distance (as well as he could while they were holding hands, anyhow). Ellie was pretty perceptive; he hoped that the day's events had exhausted her enough that she wouldn't be on her game tonight, and that his "all is well" act would be sufficiently convincing in its own right.

"It's not as bad as I expected, though. I'm surprised they even let you in here. I mean... Maria kinda looks like death warmed over, as you like to say, but Tommy could've sat with me -- just to guard me from big bad you," she added with an eyeroll.

Joel could have issued a 'real' goodbye to Tommy and Maria earlier, before Ellie had returned home from the library, but he hadn't bothered. He had made it clear he was done discussing the subject (beyond logistical matters, that is) and he didn't even want to hear so much as a "take care of yourself" or a "be careful" from either of them. He was just... done. They had both retired for the night just before he'd joined Ellie in her bedroom, and -- uncharacteristically -- they'd left their bedroom door open. It wasn't for Grayson's sake -- they had the baby monitor for that. Joel reckoned they were listening for signs of inappropriate relations. "I did promise 'em I wouldn't touch you," he told her.

"Oh yeah? Guess what -- you're touching me!" she whispered conspiratorially.

"Don't tell anyone," he whispered back.

She giggled softly. "Man... remember right after we came back, I said it would suck to be Clicker and Alyssa? With the door open and stuff? Now we are them!"

Joel didn't want her drawing too many parallels there. ...What, like thinking about my cruel-to-be-kind comments might lead her to realize what I'm about to do? That was probably a stretch, even for a girl as smart as Ellie. "I've got a few more gray hairs than Clicker, though," he said lightly.

"Haha... yeah, you're way sexier than him, too. -I think you should come sit up here on the bed next to me. Just so I can lean on you."

"...Uh-huh."

"No, really! I won't have my way with you, I promise!" All innocence.

"Keep your voice down. I'm sure they're listenin' down the hall."

"Ugh. Just like old times, right? So... obviously we're gonna have to start meeting in Ghost Town again. Which is gonna be harder now because a) more people, and b) we got busted. They're onto us. What if they make it so we're never alone? That's kind of what it sounded like they were gonna do, right? Oh -- now that we are finally alone, can you tell me what they said to you when I was gone? And why did Tommy leave the house so late?"

He had been out fetching supplies for Joel when Ellie had come home. Using his 'after-hours store privileges.' Sure, he could have sent Joel with the keys, but they had expected Ellie to come home in the meantime, and Tommy's absence was easier to explain -- not to mention less likely to alarm her.

"He got a call on the radio." Joel injected a shrug in his tone; a "don't know, don't care" attitude should assure Ellie that it was of no consequence. "And I told you, it was more of the same."

"But we're alone now, so--"

"It was still just... more of the same. How horrible it is, what I've done to you. All that."

"Pfff. And you know that's bullshit, right? Or do I have to remind you?"

Joel reckoned if he was too "yes, dear" on the subject, Ellie might realize something was up. ...Then again, she might just think he was too tired to argue. Which I AM... but this was the last emotional energy he would need to expend for the foreseeable future, so he didn't have to play the too-tired card just yet. "You know I've struggled with it, this whole time. With us. It is wrong."

Ellie groaned softly. "All my hard work, over all these months. Completely undone. But... actually, it's kind of good that you're thinking that way," she decided.

"It is? How so?"

"Well, the whole point of us being here is so Tommy and Maria can turn us back into father and daughter, right? Like that's gonna happen. If they feel like you're... you know. Repentant, or whatever? Like you've seen the ~error of your ways~ and stuff? Maybe they'll ease up a little. Yeah, it's perfect! You act guilty, and I'll act like... um... how should I act..."

"Be yourself," Joel suggested.

"Um, no. My self would be pulling you into this bed right now and kissing the fuck out of you."

"Don't be yourself, then," he amended, smirking a little.

"I think that... if I don't act pissed off, they'll suspect we're being... naughty, or whatever. Right? So I'll act like-- actually, that's not even an act. I am pissed. For Tommy to just barge into our fucking bedroom like that... and make all these declarations about how things are going to be... it's none of his fucking business, what we do!"

"Sshh," he warned her again. "Tommy cares about you. He's lookin' out for you. I'd've done the same thing, in his position." Except I wouldn't have stopped at a sucker punch. "Give the man a break. He's seen my bare ass twice now within a month."

"Ha! He should feel lucky he did! ...Ugh, whatever. It'll be kinda romantic, right? Having secret rendezvous again? Except now... fuck, they're not even going to let me snuggle with you on the couch, are they. If you even pat my shoulder, they're gonna be all like... looking at us... trying to figure out if we're fucking... like you're giving me a code or something..." She giggled a little at this thought.

Joel was heartened to see her in better spirits now, at least. He was torn between urging her to go to sleep and just listening to the angelic sound of her sweet voice all night... since it was the last time he'd hear it for God knows how long. Of course, she would eventually talk herself out and fall asleep... and then it's go time...

"Joel, seriously... what are we gonna do?"

"Don't worry about it," he said soothingly. "We'll figure somethin' out."

She did seem reassured by this, and Joel felt a pang of guilt at the reminder of how blindly she trusted him now... how she had not the faintest inkling of what was about to happen to her. She didn't even seem worried that Joel might want to revert to being father and daughter now... wasn't she worried about that before we left for California? Thinking we'd be father and daughter for the whole trip and that I might fall out of love with her as a result... we've come SO far since then...

"Where will you be tomorrow?" she asked.

"Uh... no idea." Not here... But she trusted him so much that it didn't even occur to her that he might be leaving tonight -- alone. How many times had he told her he was in this for the long haul? You and me against the world... apparently he'd told her enough times that she finally believed him. "Got the day off, remember?" he reminded her.

"Shit -- I actually forgot about our anniversary!"

Joel had, too. Unfortunate timing, that... "Not our real one." Which we'll never have...

"Fuck you -- they're all real!" She withdrew her hand so she could use it to give him a playful shove. "Man, I hope this blows over by the one you say is real. That's two months from now. Long enough for them to get over it, right?"

No chance in hell. "Maybe."

"So... hmm, do you think you'll be with Tommy tomorrow? Or can you ditch him? Cuz if Tommy's not around, I'll totally pretend I'm going somewhere else and then just go to wherever you are and we can go hide somewhere..."

"Uh... with Tommy, I think. He said he's gonna make sure we can't do shit like that. 'Fraid we're gonna have to lay low for a while, kiddo."

She sighed. "Fucking Tommy has to ruin everything."

That's his specialty. But Joel wasn't going to undermine what Tommy was trying to do here. He believed Tommy meant it when he'd said he wasn't going to turn Ellie against him (Joel's actions tonight would do that on their own anyhow -- both the leaving and the not-saying goodbye)... and he certainly didn't want her hating Tommy. -Hell, he wanted her to come to regard Tommy as a father. The father she should have had all along. The one she deserved.

"Hey." She laid her hand on top of his and give it a squeeze. "You seem kinda sad. It's gonna be okay, Joel. We've been through a lot of shit. We'll get through this, too."

He smiled weakly. "That's what I'm s'posed to be sayin' to you."

"Yeah, well, we take care of each other, right? It goes both ways."

Oh, my sweet baby girl... if you only knew...

But he was taking care of her now. She just wouldn't see it that way.

She yawned. "I'm pretty sleepy now, I think. But don't leave until you know for sure, okay?"

"Yes ma'am. Go ahead an' close your eyes."

She obliged. "Can I have a good night kiss?" she whispered, smiling angelically.

He rose enough to kiss her on the forehead.

She stifled a giggle. "Um... a real one, please. I'll be very quiet, I promise."

He brushed his lips very chastely across hers. But he lingered there... and, God help him, he couldn't deprive himself of one last sweet 'real' kiss. He pressed more firmly, parting his lips... tasting her minty-fresh sweetness. He kissed her breathless, and then kissed her some more. As if he could bank the kisses, store them up for later...

She wrapped her arms around him and tried to pull him on top of her, but he stopped short of that. He didn't want to take this too far. When he finally pulled up enough to look in her eyes, she smiled. "Damn... that was... can we keep going? If I promise not to scream 'fuck me Joel' this time?"

He returned the smile, but slithered back to his 'respectable distance.' "No, baby girl. Go to sleep now."

"I'm all awake now, though... it's pretty hot, the thought of fucking you with the door open... with their door open, too, and they're prob'ly not even asleep yet..."

Joel hadn't been too concerned about Tommy and Maria possibly hearing kissing noises and whatnot, because he figured as long as it didn't go on interminably or morph into banging-the-headboard-against-the-wall type sounds, they'd look the other way this one last time, and allow him to say goodbye to Ellie in his own way. But he doubted they'd look that far the other way... and although Ellie would probably be happy as a pig in shit if he were to take this beyond goodnight kisses, he knew she didn't expect it of him, given the circumstances. "You're a naughty girl," he scolded her.

"You love that about me." She lolled around a little... stretched her arms and yawned again, belying her 'I'm awake' comment. Joel was memorizing her every movement, down to the way her nightgown clung to her lithe young body. And it wasn't really even sexual, it was just... she was so... lovely. Absolutely beautiful, of course, but lovely is what came to mind in the moment. Lovely... perfect... and MINE, but not for much longer...

She looked at him with concern. "Joel... turn your head a little... in the light... yeah... your eyes are a little shiny! Are you okay? What's wrong? I mean... besides the obvious...?"

Damnit -- STOP with the EMOTION-- He forced a little chuckle. "It's just the obvious. I already miss kissin' you."

She relaxed. "It'll be more of a challenge than last time, but we will find time to be together. Think of it like you used to tell me: it'll be fun to miss each other again. It'll make our time together even more special."

"That's right." He took her hand in his and kissed it. "Good night, baby girl. I love you."

"Love you, too. 'Night." She closed her eyes again.

Joel rose and sat on the edge of the bed so he could stroke her hair more easily while she drifted off. He continued to memorize her... the softness of her hair, the sweet expression on her face when she was perfectly relaxed and content and about to succumb to sleep... he couldn't see her that well in the dim lighting. Couldn't sear every freckle, every hair, every contour into his mind... but it wasn't really about that. He'd been looking at her every day for so long now... he knew what she looked like. Just... he needed this one last image permanently etched in there so that he could pull it up every night and study it when he went to sleep. So that he wouldn't forget. Which was kind of a strange thing to need, considering the whole point of this was for them to move on from each other. Even if it's more about HER moving on from ME... and he really, really needed to be able to disconnect from his emotions if he had any hope of survival now... but he had every intention of coming back someday, and he needed to be okay with her having moved on from him when he was around to witness it. In that sense, he had to get over her to some extent.

Unless it's like Tommy said... if we still have the connection, years from now... then I would know it IS meant to be. They wouldn't be able to just pick up where they'd left off like nothing had happened, of course, but... it had been known to happen in the old world. People being apart for years and years, getting married and divorced to others and whatnot, and then reconnecting years down the road. It could happen...

But he had a feeling Tommy had mentioned that just to placate him. To make it sound less like he was abandoning Ellie forever by leaving right now. Joel knew that Ellie was capable of forging deep connections to others... and since she would be in a town full of people, she would have every opportunity to fill this void. So maybe in a year or two...

Do I really need to stay away for FIVE YEARS? He could understand waiting longer than a few months, but five years did seem excessive. The Ellie he was memorizing right now would no longer exist in a few years. Perhaps that would have been true of anyone on the planet, but it seemed especially true for her, given her age. What will she look like in her twenties? I bet she just keeps getting prettier and prettier. Although she's so damn pretty already, it's hard to imagine that that's even possible.

First things first -- he had to start the clock by actually leaving. He could ponder the optimal duration of his absence a good bit down the road.

It was hard to keep the emotions at bay. Hard to focus his brain on the task of serving as a recording device without being acutely aware of why. That this was the last time. "I'll always love you, baby girl," he heard himself whispering as he withdrew his hand from her hair. He didn't even know why he felt the need to verbalize it to a sleeping Ellie.

"Mm," she murmured.

He hadn't waited long enough. He slid back down to the floor and rested his chin on his arm while he continued to watch her. She ain't really awake... good. Not that there was anything suspicious about what he'd said, but... his delivery had been laden with emotion, and he felt like every fiber of his being was now broadcasting "I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU FOREVER" to her.

That was another reason he needed to leave tonight: giving himself a chance to second-guess himself was one thing, but giving Ellie a chance to sort out his intentions was quite another. How long could he fool her? In the light of day... after she'd had a chance to process everything... to analyze Joel's behavior, his words... she would figure it out sooner rather than later, and then the window of opportunity would slam shut.

He was careful not to speak aloud again, even after her breathing told him she was truly asleep now. I'm so sorry for the pain I'm about to cause you... my precious baby girl. My sweet Ellie. I've always known that I don't deserve you. Maybe by doing this... well, it won't make up for everything, but it's a step in the right direction. A step towards being the man you DO deserve.

What will you be like the next time I see you? Will you have a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Will you look back on our relationship with shame and regret? ...I won't. I should, seeing as how it's the whole reason I'm leaving, but I refuse to. I love you, goddamnit. Obviously I ain't right in the head, loving you the way I do, and I'm sorry as hell that it fucked you up, but what we had WAS special. I refuse to believe otherwise. You... are the love of my life. Plain and simple.

Will I be the love of yours? ...I sure hope not. Not if it brings you years of pain. ...Can I really stay away that long? Tommy's right, though: I HAVE to. Have to give the wounds a chance to scab over. I hope you find happiness with someone else. I hope when I come back, you're married to a fine young man you can have a family with someday, and you look at me with forgiveness in your big green eyes and welcome me back as your... dad, I guess. A girl can have more than one.

...All right, if I'm being honest, maybe I don't exactly hope for that quite yet. Maybe I still can't think of Tommy as your dad, either -- and I can't actually imagine not wanting to strangle any man who comes near you. But I'll get there, someday. ...Maybe you'll find a nice girl instead... That was a more palatable thought. And there would be alternative ways for her to have a family, when she was ready. In fact, given her background, he could see her fully embracing the idea of adopting a child who needed a home. Whatever your life looks like in a few years, baby girl, it'll be better than the one you have now... I can promise you that...

Joel watched Ellie sleep for hours. He nodded off himself a couple times, and was awakened by the baby crying -- fortunately, Ellie kept right on sleeping, even though the door was still open. He wondered if she sensed his presence and found it soothing enough to remain unconscious, somehow. ...Or maybe I just like to tell myself this bullshit to justify things that can't be justified.

Maria approached the room... he could hear her footsteps... but she stopped short, out of sight. She could probably see Joel's legs on the floor... probably knew he was reluctant to leave... she had obviously decided not to wake him up and send him on his way. Maybe she figured he'd been too hasty when he'd declared he would leave immediately... that he needed to sleep on it after all.

But Joel didn't need to sleep on it. He knew what he had to do, and he knew that the time to do it was now. The dark sky was just barely starting to lighten when he kissed Ellie goodbye once more -- chastely this time, so as not to wake her. He caressed her cheek, dusting his fingertips ever-so-lightly over her smooth skin. He took one last, lingering look from the doorway... drinking her in one last time.

And then he was gone.

~Continue to Chapter 37~

"Singularity" Chapter 35: "A Good Man" [35/49]

2022-06-05T21:28:09Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 35: "A Good Man" [35/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,218
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Joel supposed he ought to be grateful that it was his brother standing in the doorway and not some... rogue townsperson, or even a hunter who had somehow managed to infiltrate the place. However outraged he might be, Tommy most likely wasn't going to shoot him in the back. His timing could use a little work... but hey, at least Ellie got to come.

...Did I really just have that thought right now?

Joel couldn't just stay frozen in place -- inside Ellie, no less -- forever. But he wasn't inclined to pull away and give Tommy an eyeful of his baby girl, either; Joel reckoned he was currently blocking his brother's view of pretty much everything but her handcuffed arms and coiled legs.

Fortunately, Tommy seemed to be aware of that circumstance, because he said, "I'll give you five seconds to get your ass out here, Joel. Otherwise... I'm comin' back in and draggin' you out myself."

The words were soaked in anger... a cold, quiet emotion that was more unsettling to Joel than blustery rage would have been. And while the commanding tone grated on Joel's nerves, he could hardly blame his brother for being... upset, for lack of a better word. He waited until he heard Tommy exit the room before slithering out of Ellie. "Gimme a minute to put some pants on!" he called after him.

Ellie was just... wide-eyed with shock and fear. "What are we gonna do?!" she whispered frantically.

"I don' know," Joel answered honestly. He couldn't even bring himself to utter a "it'll be okay" -- but she would know it was just bullshit anyway. What would I do if I was in Tommy's position? If he had walked in on Tommy and Ellie... well, castration came to mind. That's a lovely thought... like the blue balls ain't gonna be bad enough as it is... But physical discomfort was the least of his worries right now.

"Can you unlock me?" Ellie pleaded. "Don't leave me in here like this while you talk to him! Please!"

Joel blindly pulled on the first pair of boxers his hands happened upon in the dresser drawer. "Where's the key at?"

"...Uh... I thought it was on the dresser? No?"

Joel glanced at the dresser top as he yanked on his pants. "Nothin' up there." He didn't see it on either of the overturned crates that served as night stands, either. Seems Ellie's a little slow learning this lesson, too... but he was sure they could manage to free her without the key if needed, given all the resources they now had at their disposal.

"Joel! I swear to God--" warned Tommy's voice from the other room.

"Just a second! Damn." He zipped up his fly and frowned at poor chained Ellie. He hated to leave her like that, but... "I'll just go calm him down first--"

"Calm him down?" Ellie scoffed. "Um... good luck with that."

"I'll explain why I need a minute so he don't come stormin' back in here," he amended. He had a pretty good idea what was waiting for him out in that other room, and Ellie didn't need to witness it. "I'll be right back."

She continued to beg for release (...a not-so-fun kind this time) but Joel had to ignore her pleas for the time being. He called out to Tommy again to let him know he was going to splash some water on his face first -- because he didn't think his brother would appreciate the musky aroma of Ellie's sex that lingered in his beard. (He didn't share that bit with Tommy, but when Tommy didn't accuse him of stalling, Joel assumed he'd thought of a reason or two that explained why it would behoove them both if he freshened up a little first.) Joel actually wasn't looking to stall: he needed to get this over with, and get back to Ellie as soon as possible. He quickly soaped up his face, gargled some mouthwash, and headed out to the other room. Time to face the music.

The 'music' in its physical form was a sucker punch to the stomach -- not to the jaw, like Joel had expected. And expecting it didn't seem to help him much; the blow was hard enough to knock the wind out of him for a second.

Joel just took it. Accepted it. He knew very well that he deserved it. But damn, did it hurt... he doubled over, clutching his midsection.

"Oh my God! What's going on out there? What are you guys-- Tommy, don't hurt him! He didn't do anything wrong! Joel, let me out of here! PLEASE! Are you okay?! Tommy -- it's not his fault! Let me explain!"

Joel glanced up at Tommy. Watched Ellie's words wash over his brother... watched them congeal over his already-considerable anger and disgust. And the way Tommy was standing -- a defensive stance... he looks ready for a fight. Like he expected Joel to recover from the punch and return fire. But the blow hadn't sparked any rage inside him... hadn't struck anything that would get his blood pumping or adrenaline flowing.

"YOU GUYS! Whatever you're doing -- just stop! We need to talk about this! The three of us! Tommy, I can make you understand that it's-- it's not what you think! Joel -- red! Red red fucking RED!"

Joel wanted to tell her to shut the hell up... that she wasn't helping matters. Not only that, but she could be making them worse -- especially if Tommy realized that she'd just invoked their safe word (Joel could imagine the ensuing "how kinky do you GET with her?" look of revulsion). But, truth be told, things couldn't really get much worse, no matter what she said -- and Joel didn't have the heart to scold her. She didn't need to use the word, though... play time is obviously over.

One good thing about her continuous hollering: he could speak quietly to Tommy and she probably wouldn't hear; he knew the more she heard, the more upset she would be. He took a step back and held up his hand. "You wanna hit me, baby brother? That's fine. I get it. But not with her right there. I suggest we step outside."

Ellie had stopped calling out to them about halfway through, like she realized she needed to listen. He didn't have to wonder long about what she'd heard.

"Joel? Joel -- I only heard that last part -- about me here and something outside? Don't leave me like this! Please, Joel -- or Tommy -- either of you -- I don't care -- can you help me?!"

Tommy was just standing there glowering, so Joel continued. "I also suggest you let me free her. ...Not 'til afterwards, though, 'cause she'll get herself in the middle of it, and..." ...I don't want her to get hurt -- he couldn't bring himself to finish that hypocritical thought out loud. "We can talk, just you'n'me, if you want. But it ain't right to just leave her locked up like--"

"It ain't right?" Tommy spat out. "Who the hell are you to talk about what's right? I can't-- I just cannot believe--"

"Tommy! Stop! Don't yell at him! Joel, you have to tell him-- you have to EXPLAIN! No-- WE have to explain -- together! -- CAN SOMEBODY -- FUCKING LET ME -- OUT OF HERE!!!"

Joel painfully raised himself fully upright at last and shot his brother a hard look. "Sounds like she's on the verge of a panic attack. I'm gonna go help her." ...No matter what YOU have to say about it, the look warned him.

Either the look had hit its mark or perhaps Tommy felt bad for Ellie's predicament himself, because he did not attempt to block Joel's path.

Joel returned to the bedroom and found Ellie writhing and shaking, tears streaming down her face. He rushed to her side and cupped her face in his hands. "Ssshhh, baby girl... it's okay. You're okay. I'm gonna find the key an' let you out, all right?"

"He hurt you! -- Joel -- is he gonna -- kill you? I won't let him! He can't -- he doesn't -- understand--"

"Ellie Ellie -- breathe. Just breathe for me." He kissed her forehead. "He ain't gonna kill me. I'm okay. Now take a deep breath... go on..." He waited for her to do it. "Good. Exhale real slow. ...Do it again..."

She obliged... for three breaths. "I'm not having a panic attack," she announced. "I'm just... freaking the fuck out."

"Well, I reckon the two are pretty similar." He wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "You know I wasn't gonna leave you like this, don't you?"

She bit her lip. "Okay so maybe it was almost a panicky... like... -I did imagine you and Tommy running off to his house or something... just leaving me here, and I wouldn't know what's going on -- and I couldn't help -- I'd just be stuck here for ages--"

"Sshh... that ain't gonna happen. If you're all right now, I'm gonna find that key... then you can get dressed while I talk to Tommy," he added loudly, in case his brother thought he was just stalling now or some shit. Hopefully he just had that one punch to get out of his system, because even if she would be safer in here, I can't just leave her to suffer while he kicks my ass.

Tommy was actually sitting at the table, calm as anything, when Joel returned to the living room (thankfully, it hadn't taken long to locate the wayward key); he must have realized Joel wasn't going to sneak in one last quickie with him in the next room, or something equally asinine. Fleeing through the bedroom window with Ellie had crossed Joel's mind, but removing the new screen he'd installed would be impossible without tools... and busting through it somehow with the weaponry at hand would surely be noisy enough to bring Tommy rushing in before they could make their escape. ...And where would we escape to anyhow? There was no undoing this. No walking it back.

From the bedroom, Joel had heard Tommy conversing on the radio, but hadn't caught enough words for it to make sense. "Did I just hear you tell someone I ain't home?" he asked as he took the seat opposite Tommy.

"Truck's here with your shit. That's why I came to get you. I just told 'em to unload it at the office an' we'll get it later. The truck can't make it out here to your house anyways, what with the woods an' all." Tommy snorted. "You didn't want that wall for protection. You wanted it for privacy. So you could just... carry on with your deviant... disgusting..."

"I wanted it for protection, and peace of mind," Joel insisted. AND privacy. "This place is way too open, as you know. ...Even if it ain't open enough for a truck to drive up to it."

Tommy didn't seem to hear him, or perhaps he just didn't care. "I defended you. I thought for sure someone was makin' that shit up, about you'n'Ellie on the couch... but they really did see her, doin' that to you... didn't they. Of course they did."

"No," Joel replied patiently, "those rumors were horseshit. It never happened."

Ellie hurried over to the table -- the girl had gotten dressed quick as a flash -- and stood behind Joel's chair, her hands on his shoulders. "Total horseshit," she confirmed. "Joel doesn't let me do that."

Tommy looked utterly unimpressed by the declaration. "Ellie, if you wanna be part of this conversation--"

"Of course I wanna be part of it! I am part of it!"

"--you're gonna have to pull up the desk chair. Not... you can't stand there, like that. With him."

Christ... he can't even stand seeing her touch me all innocent-like. But now wasn't the time to antagonize his brother. Joel patted Ellie's hand. "Go on, kiddo. You can sit in the middle."

She sighed. Went and yanked the chair over noisily, like she was quite put out. She didn't park it in the middle, though; it was decidedly closer to Joel than to Tommy. Their knees were even touching. "Am I far enough away from him now for your liking?" she sneered.

"Ellie--" Joel started to warn her.

"Are you far enough away?" Tommy echoed. "No. Hell no. But for now... it'll do."

The 'hell no' clearly annoyed Ellie, but -- with great restraint, presumably -- she did not roll her eyes or snort or anything like that. "Were you spying on us?" she did ask, though -- Joel had been wondering about that himself (and he was kicking himself for not locking the damn door... Ellie really had taken him by surprise, but he still should've gone and locked it immediately upon finding her naked on the bed).

"I heard you all the way from outside," Tommy replied. "And the door was unlocked. Not that it matters."

"It does matter -- what we do in private is nobody's business but ours!" Ellie cried.

"That's what Joel would have you believe. But it ain't--"

"None of this is Joel's fault!"

Joel shushed her. "Let him talk. You'll get your turn." Although it won't make a damn bit of difference what you say to Tommy anyhow. He already knew that.

"He could've at least knocked," Ellie huffed.

"I could have," Tommy agreed. "Sure. That's what I was fixin' to do. If I hadn't heard what I heard... I thought about it for a second, and decided I had to see it for myself. Because I could not believe that Joel... anyhow. If I had knocked, you two would've come up with another damn lie to explain what I heard... and I prob'ly would've believed whatever shit you shoveled my way because the truth is so goddamn unbelievable. That's why I had to see it."

Joel didn't know how they could have possibly explained away what Tommy had heard, but it was true -- he would have tried. Ellie didn't deny it, either... and she seemed resigned to letting Tommy finish saying his piece (at least for the moment).

"Goin' back to what you said before -- it ain't true, that it's nobody's business," Tommy continued. "You're a minor. Adults are s'posed to protect you from shit like this. Guardians, in particular. But when the guardian--" -- a slight pause to glare at Joel -- "--fails to do what they're s'posed to do... when it's somethin' as bad as... what I just walked in on? Then others need to intervene. For the best interest of the child. There used to be a government agency dedicated to that very thing. There were laws about it. Child welfare laws... not to mention consent laws... it ain't okay for adults to just--" He waved his hand vaguely and looked away.

Ellie had started to interrupt him about five times. Joel kept squeezing her hand to remind her not to, every time a word or phrase rubbed her the wrong way -- 'minor,' for starters. 'Shit like this.' Guardian. Fails. Bad. Child. With Tommy's little tirade seemingly finished for the moment, Joel withdrew his hand before it invited some snide remark about touching Ellie.

"If I can talk now," Ellie began experimentally. Meeting no resistance, she continued. "First of all, I'm not a child. Maybe sixteen doesn't seem very old to you, but it is the age of consent in some states -- er... it was, back when that mattered. It doesn't matter anymore because there are no laws now. Everyone makes their own rules. -Every place, I guess I should say. So Joel hasn't broken any actual laws. Second of all, he's not my father. I know you think of him that way so this seems really gross to you, but he's not. Third--"

"Hang on," Tommy interrupted. "You think that's why I'm upset? Because I think of Joel as your father?"

"That is why you're upset." Ellie's duh voice.

"No. No it ain't. I like to think that if he was your biological father, this wouldn't be an issue." He glanced at Joel, but Joel didn't even dignify that with a response. "He sure acted like he wanted to be your father, though. We sat right here in this very room just a few months ago, and he asked if he could adopt you. You remember that? So... that was all just a big lie?"

"No!" Ellie and Joel answered at the same time -- Ellie loudly and indignantly drowning out Joel's calm reply.

Ellie took the reins. "He really did want that! That was ages ago. Almost a year! Part of me really wanted to say yes... but even though nothing was going on between us, I thought... I dunno. Something felt wrong, about being father and daughter. Like something was off. I knew that... that's not who we really are."

"So... this is a recent thing?" asked Tommy. "It hasn't been goin' on since you were fourteen?"

"No way! It just started in California!" Ellie replied earnestly.

Tommy looked unconvinced.

Joel wasn't inclined to outline the evolution of their relationship step by step, and California was a convenient landmark in the timeline with which to simplify things. However, if Ellie was expecting Tommy to be cool with this now... she's about to be sorely disappointed. "Things just... we did get closer, in California," Joel allowed. "As far as the adoption goes... I truly did want that, at the time." Joel stopped short of saying something along the lines of "I felt like I already WAS her father anyhow," because he didn't think that would help matters.

"All right. Fine. If you really wanted that... what made you throw it away? Why did you--"

"He didn't throw anything away!" Ellie jumped in. "It was all me! I like... practically threw myself at him, and he pushed me away! He said no!"

"Oh I'm sure he did," Tommy scoffed.

"He really did! Joel, tell him! I'm not lying!"

Joel could read Tommy's mind on that one. Basically, Tommy was in the same place now that Joel had been during that incident -- the night Ellie had declared her feelings. Except... right, not the EXACT same place -- he ain't the object of her affections, nor does he feel anything inappropriate towards her in return. But he knows how wrong it is... if only I'd left it at that. Where would we be now? She forgave me for rejecting her, before I gave in and kissed her... we could've just gone on like normal...

Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated by Joel's silence. "He doesn't wanna defend himself, cuz he likes to think everything is his fault. But it was totally me that started this. And he totally shot me down. Remember that night I showed up at your house -- like right before the July 4th party -- and I wouldn't tell you why I was so mad at Joel? It's because I couldn't stand it -- being rejected like that."

"I did wonder about that," Tommy recalled. "Neither one of you wanted to talk about it. I didn't push 'cause... I figured Joel was just bein' an asshole about somethin'. Ain't exactly unusual. Shit... I shoulda pushed. If just one of you had told me..."

"It was too late by then," said Joel. "The wheels were already set in motion. This goes back to... our first night here."

Ellie looked at him in surprise. "Why the fuck would you say that? That was months before you even knew how I-- Jesus, I didn't even know how I felt then!"

So much for 'knowing it all along' -- but Joel knew she was just teasing, whenever she said things like that. And now... he reckoned she would say whatever she felt she needed to say in order to defend what Joel had done. But Tommy knows about the bed -- he's been suspicious about that for a while... "That's when it started bein' inappropriate. I did start out sleepin' on the couch," he added for Tommy's benefit, "but it didn't last long. She was havin'... anxiety, at the time, about some shit that had happened on our trip--"

"Tommy, don't look at him like that -- that was my idea, too! And Joel said no! Again, Joel said no to me. But I couldn't sleep and he felt sorry for me and there was nothing inappropriate about it. At all."

Of course, Tommy wasn't buying that. "Oh sure, nothin' at all. Just a grown-ass man sleepin' in a young girl's bed."

"Old girl!" Ellie corrected him. "Young girls are like... four years old. And actually I'm a young woman. Totally old enough to decide who sleeps in my bed and who doesn't -- and there wasn't anything wrong about it! No sex or anything! Not that that's even wrong, but--"

"Mm. No sex. He didn't touch you at all, then, did he? Just slept completely on the edge of the bed. Far away from you as he could get."

"Yes!" she lied.

Tommy just gave her a Look.

"Not all the time," Joel amended for her.

"Well... he... I mean, sometimes he did, yeah!" Ellie spluttered. "But even when he-- he never touched me like... anywhere sexual." She blushed... but perhaps Tommy would attribute that to the subject matter and not the lie.

Not that Joel had expected her to offer up the accidental molestation there. He wasn't going to cop to that, either. He knew it wouldn't make much difference in Tommy's opinion of him at this point. What good is ANY of this really doing? Joel was ready to be done with this little song and dance routine. "Baby brother, can we just skip to the end here? What do you want from me?"

"Joel, no -- we still have to explain!" Ellie protested.

"What do I want from you?" Tommy repeated incredulously. "Hell if I know. I'm still tryin' to understand how you could... do somethin' like this to a girl you thought of as your daughter."

"That's why we have to explain," Ellie replied. "And he's not doing anything to me -- nothing bad. You make it sound like it's gross and dirty... and it's so not. You have no idea how much I love him. -Don't look at me like that -- I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm too young to feel love. You think Joel's been grooming me this whole time. Well, I'm not, and he's not!"

Tommy's eyebrows shot up at the 'grooming' comment. "Damn... he's good. He's even got you thinkin' that because he explained the concept to you, that it's somehow not exactly what he's done here."

"He doesn't have to explain it! I know what it is -- I know what it looks like when it is what someone's doing. And that's not Joel. He's not just trying to get laid or whatever. He really loves me. I know he does. You know he does." Her voice shook a little. "No one's ever loved me the way he does. He's the only one."

Christ, I really wish she hadn't said it like that...

Tommy leaned forward... and gentled his voice. "Sweetheart, I know you've had it rough. Haven't had a lot of people in your life you can count on. And I know you can't see it, but that's the worst thing about all this. For Joel to take that... that trust you placed in him... and twist it into--"

"He didn't twist it into anything!" she cried angrily. "We love each other. We both feel the same way. And that is just... fucking amazing, don't you think? Like... what are the odds? Isn't that how you felt when you fell in love with Maria, and realized she loved you back?"

Tommy snorted. "Ain't the same thing. Not one bit. She's a little younger than me, but we're both adults. We were gettin' along fine on our own, independent of one another. There was no... imbalance of power. If anythin', I reckon you could say she had more power, what with her an' her dad co-foundin' the town."

"Joel doesn't have any power over me," Ellie scoffed. "I make my own decisions! I choose to be with him!"

Tommy sat back, nodding... more to himself than to Ellie. "Right. No imbalance at all. You weren't completely dependent on him, comin' out here from Boston."

"Maybe at first? But once I learned--"

" 'Maybe at first,' " Tommy parroted. "So you admit there was a point where he called the shots. Where you followed his lead. Did what he told you to."

"But I also didn't," Ellie pointed out. "I saved his life, by not staying out of things like he wanted me to. And when he got hurt, I had to decide everything on my own. That was... fuck. Easily the worst time of my life. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. Even back then, I already loved him soooo much, see? ...And you know what? I got him through that. I protected him. I took care of him. I made sure he was okay. I had all the power then, if you wanna talk about... an imbalance or whatever."

Tommy had listened patiently to that, but seemed to have his reply cocked about halfway through. "You know why you couldn't stand the thought of losin' him? 'Cause you needed him. You were dependin' on him for survival. What would've happened to you if he had died in Colorado? That's why--"

"No -- fuck that! It's because I loved him! Jeez, how selfish do you think I am?"

"It ain't selfish... it's human. That survival instinct is powerful. It's in all of us."

"It wasn't like that," Ellie gritted out (Joel was actually surprised she was still sitting relatively calmly at the table). "I need him because I love him. Not the other way around."

"Oh no? How can you be so sure about that? I bet if we asked Claire to weigh in on--"

"Fuck Claire! She's not even a real shrink -- and even if she was, I know how I feel. Better than anyone else does! I know because I'm the one feeling it. Not you. Not even Joel. And I'm telling you... after that whole thing? After what we went through? We were close before, but that was like... I mean... after that, I knew for the first time that we were going to be together even after I was done with the Fireflies. That we were always going to be together."

"Always, huh? Mm. Except for the part where he's four decades older than you."

Shit-- "Tommy, don't go there," Joel warned him.

"Not four whole decades. Not even three and a half! It's thirty-four-and-a-half years." (Tommy didn't look impressed by that, either.) "And I'm not an idiot. I know that... someday... but fuck, Tommy -- how many people do you know who have died who are younger than Joel? People younger than me. None of us knows how long we have. All we can do is make the most of every minute we've got. And I... haven't always remembered that, myself. I get why Joel... was the way he was, after losing Sarah. It's... kind of hard to love another person, sometimes. But you do it anyway. Sophie's boyfriend died after they were only together for like... I dunno, a few months? Oh -- and Sophie's totally cool with us being together, by the way. So was everyone else in Monterey! So if you think that there's no other adults--"

"Sophie knew about you two? ...Alex?"

"We told her," Ellie replied. "Because we felt like she would get it... and she totally does! And yeah -- Alex, too, when we found him. Everyone in Monterey was cool with us being together. We were just like anyone else. No one cared about the age difference."

Alex had been weirded out by it, as Joel recalled. It had taken him a bit longer to come around. ...Listen to me now -- 'come around,' like I'm right and Tommy's wrong here? Ain't THAT rich. Tommy had yet to voice an opinion that hadn't already rung true to Joel at one point or another. Some of which still rang true.

"Well... Monterey ain't Jackson, apparently," said Tommy. "You already know what people think here."

"Because they don't know the whole story!" Ellie exclaimed. "That's why we need your support. What did you call it with Sophie, Joel... outside endorsement?"

Tommy laughed mirthlessly. "You can't possibly think I could ever condone this... ...relationship."

Debauchery, is what Joel reckoned he really meant to call it. Or something along those lines.

"I hope you will, after you hear us out," Ellie replied, glancing at Joel. "Or hear me out, I guess... Joel, you're being awfully quiet."

She sounded a little worried about that. She's pretty smart... I'm sure she knows Tommy's words are hitting nerves left and right... "I'm bein' quiet 'cause I know how Tommy would react to... pretty much any excuse I put forth. No use in talkin' if it ain't gonna do any good."

"No, that's not -- they're not excuses -- that's the wrong way to look at it!" She turned to Tommy triumphantly. "See? I know how I feel... and I have my own thoughts and opinions on stuff. Joel's not... controlling me. You've seen that I don't just... agree with him all the time! Or even like half the time! When he's wrong, I fucking tell him he's wrong!"

Tommy sighed. "I don't care how much you fight or don't fight with him. At the end of the day... I know you respect him. Look up to him. Trust him. You can't deny that -- I've seen it. That's why it just... it makes me physically ill, what I just saw here. It's so goddamn wrong. And the fact that you don't even understand why it's wrong makes it--"

"I do understand! I just know you're wrong. -You're wrong, not it -- not us. And I feel ill knowing that you're just like everyone else in this fucking town who thinks of Joel like... like... I don't even wanna say it. Because he's not."

Even with all the shit hitting the fan right now, Joel could still spare the energy to worry about one possible, horrible reason that she might be feeling sick. "You feel ill? Right now?"

"Yeah. I... hate... fucking HATE... that your own brother believes this bullshit about you. Not cool, Tommy."

Tommy laughed bitterly again... and Joel knew he was about to say something brutally honest. "I'm sure you're right about... bein' the instigator in all this. I don't believe Joel made you do anything you didn't want--"

"Good! Cuz he didn't! He couldn't! He would never--"

"Hang on, now -- don't get too happy about that. I know that... you're pretty used to gettin' your way. The thing is... there's a line. And this line... it's invisible. Kids can't-- young people like yourself, if you wanna say you ain't a kid no more? -- You can't see it. You don' know where it's at. So you push the limits sometimes -- you test it. But when you get to be a certain age... it starts gettin' more visible. You start gettin' a better idea of where it is. And by the time you're Joel's age... you should not only know goddamn well where it's at -- you should be able to draw it yourself, 'cause you see it so clear. Now, Joel here -- he knows. He just don't care. Which is--"

"Don't you dare sit there and tell me that Joel doesn't care!" Ellie spat out. "If you had any idea how long I've had to work on him -- to get fucking bullshit like that, about crossing lines or whatever, out of his head-- oh! And while we're at it -- yes, I do know how to get my way, sometimes... stop and think about that for a minute. Don't you think that means I'm the manipulative one? You act like Joel just... I dunno... corrupted me or something. All on his own. It's totally the other way around!"

Oh Christ, here we go--

At least Tommy didn't laugh this time. "Your... charm? Feminine wiles, an' whatnot? Yes, men can be real dumb about those, I'll give you that. But if you're tryin' to tell me that Joel is some kind of victim here, that--"

"That's exactly what he is! He won't admit it, of course, cuz of his stupid male ego. Females get... 'wiles,' whatever those are, and males get macho fucking egos. Tommy, I'm telling you -- Joel said no to me over and over and over. He said it all the fucking time. 'Not 'til you're eighteen,' he said. Even when I'd get mad--"

"You ain't even eighteen yet!" Tommy broke in. "What the hell changed?"

"I told you, I kept working on him," Ellie replied. "Eventually he had no choice but to--"

"No choice," Tommy scoffed. "C'mon, now, let's be real. Joel, I wanna hear you tell me you had no choice. You were just... so under her spell that you couldn't resist. Is that how it went down?"

Joel just gave him a withering look.

Tommy smirked. "Thought so. I'm just wonderin'... what the hell is wrong with you, that you even had to resist? What makes you look at a teenage girl an' think... just... hell, I can't even say it--"

"It's not about that!" Ellie groaned. "And it's me -- not some... random teenager. He only loves me. He's not like... lusting after every teenage girl in town." She looked at Joel and frowned. "You're allowed to defend yourself, you know. To defend us."

There's no point in defending the indefensible... but Ellie obviously didn't see it that way. Joel sighed. "Do you think I wanted this, Tommy? I didn't ask to feel like... ... -And then I did fight it. For a long time." Or not so long, depending on your point of view.

"What made you cross the line, then? Hm?"

Joel honestly couldn't remember. He'd simply given in to the impulse to kiss her... and after that, he knew there was no going back, so... "I don' know."

Ellie was getting more annoyed with him by the moment. "You suck at this, Joel. And that makes me feel really great, knowing that you don't... want this. That's just awesome."

Shit, now I gotta talk myself out of the doghouse with her, too? "You know what I mean. We've discussed it plenty: bein' father an' daughter is just easier. It's what people would expect from us."

"But fuck people! They don't get to decide for us -- we decide how we feel!"

"I'm jus' sayin'. It is easier, havin' a more... conventional relationship."

"Well, too bad -- we just weren't meant to have that, and you know it." She turned back to Tommy. "Maybe Joel doesn't remember, or doesn’t know how to say it, but I do. He realized that... he loves me, which means he wants me to be happy, and being with him makes me happy, so it's a no-brainer. And I am so lucky to have him -- you have no idea. There's nothing about him that's gross, or... I mean, you said you heard me being loud before, right? So--"

"Ellie--" Joel had to arrest this line of thought.

"I'm just saying -- I'm really really attracted to him, okay? Nothing about us should make you feel sick, for fuck's sake. Like it's something... beyond disgusting." She sounded hurt.

"I'm sorry if that offends you," Tommy said placatingly. "Your feelin's are normal, honey. You've got the... hot-for-teacher thing goin' on. It's him bein' attracted to you that's disgusting."

"And that's not supposed to offend me?" she huffed. "That's the same thing as saying I'm gross. Like you would never... well, of course you wouldn't, you have Maria. It's not a fair--"

"Even if I wasn't married, I wouldn't think that makes it okay to screw a fifteen-year-old girl who has a crush on me. I wouldn't even entertain such a--"

"It's not just a stupid crush! Joel thought the same thing at first, but I love him. It's the real deal. And I'm sixteen, remember?"

"From what you all have told me, you were fifteen when it started, though. Not that it makes much--"

"Still old enough to know that I love him!"

"All right -- you love him. Or you think you do. There's still--"

"I don't just think -- I know! Ugh, Joel, he sounds just like you used to!" She glared at Joel now like it was his fault that Tommy was having a normal reaction to all this.

"Be that as it may," Tommy continued, "there is a line, and Joel crossed it. Now, maybe one time... it's a mistake. You realize it, backpedal a bit. Did he do that? No. Sins get watered down the more you--"

"It's not a sin to love another person -- especially one who loves you back! God, you act like he's hurting me or something."

Tommy looked at her sadly. "That's the thing, see... that's exactly what he's doin'. You just don't see it. Neither one of you does, apparently."

Ellie was seething now. "Joel has never hurt me. Ever. And he never will. God -- why is that so fucking hard for you to understand? We LOVE each other."

"That ain't true, about him not hurtin' you -- he's hurt you plenty."

"No he hasn't!"

"Maybe not physically..."

Oh, I've hurt her physically too, baby brother... but he'd never confessed Sacramento to anyone. He needed to carry that one around with him the rest of his days... and confessions weren't conducive to that.

"Not physically or any other way!" Ellie insisted.

"He's hurt you in ways you don't understand," Tommy continued. "Forget about that, though -- he's also hurt you in ways you do understand. I've seen you get upset with him a time or two."

"What, the fighting? Pffff. Everyone argues. But he's never purposely hurt me."

"I don't think he'd hurt you on purpose," Tommy agreed. "I think... in his own way... he does love you."

Ellie shot Joel a jeez aren't you gonna respond to that?! look... yet he remained quiet. He understood why Ellie was reacting the way she was -- passionately, emotionally -- but he just... wasn't feeling it. It wasn't just that he knew there was no winning this fight... that was a large part of it, sure, but there was something else. It wasn't even just that he agreed with Tommy's assessment of his character, of the situation... he just plain wasn't feeling it, for some reason. Not the way Ellie was. She was revving up... and he was shutting down.

"That's why this is so... appalling, is what it is," Tommy went on. "If he was havin' these... inappropriate feelin's, for you... it's no excuse. The situation called for him to be a man, and do the right thing. And guess what? -He didn't do it. A good man would've told you no as many times as you needed to hear it. A good man would've figured out a solution that--"

"He is a good man!" Ellie wailed. "He's done nothing to me except love me, Tommy. He's made me happier than I've ever been in my entire life!"

"For now, maybe. Psychologically... the damage he's doin'--"

"The only one doing damage here is you!" she snarled. "Psychologically? Ugh -- that doesn't even make any sense -- fuck -- I can't listen to any more of this bullshit. I can't."

Joel made no move to follow when she got up and stormed off to her room, slamming the door so hard the house shook. "She'll be back in a couple minutes," he predicted, lowering his voice to a volume he was pretty sure she couldn't hear from behind that closed door. "She won't be able to stand not knowin' what's bein' said. I'm gonna ask you again, baby brother: what is it that you want from me? Cut to the chase. You want us to go? We'll go."

Tommy snorted. "You'd like that, wouldn't you. Just waltz back off to California... where no one gives a damn what you do."

It was hardly a waltz, but that was beside the point. For a moment, Joel considered telling Tommy the real reason they'd left. Maybe he wouldn't be so eager to send Ellie back there, if he knew. But he decided against it, because no matter what else Tommy thought of him, he had to know that Joel would protect her, wherever they went. Protect her from everyone but myself, that is... "If our presence here is... upsettin' to you, then--"

"It ain't your presence. Shit."

"Then what? You want me to swear I'll never touch her again?" ...COULD I do that?

No doubt he could swear to it, but Joel was pretty sure he couldn't actually do it. Not while she still loved and wanted him, at least.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" Tommy replied scornfully.

Yep, he sees right through that one. "Are you gonna let me decide what my own punishment should be? I've got the perfect solution: you take Ellie home with you an' forbid me from seein' her."

Tommy chortled at that. "You do think I'm an idiot. Christ -- when you were livin' with us last year? You... right under my roof, you were carryin' on--"

"No we weren't. That would've been... disrespectful." And we were too scared of getting caught...

"Disrespectful... ha! Disrespectful. Oh, but you were sleepin' in the same room. Supposedly 'cause Ellie was... scared to be alone? Havin' nightmares an' whatnot? Shit, I fell for that one. Hook, line--"

"She was havin' nightmares. Still does. More like night terrors." The exaggeration couldn't hurt. "And you know she has panic attacks. Real bad ones, sometimes."

"Whatever. Joel... I would love to take her home with me an' leave you here all alone to think about what you've done. I would. But you know as well as I do that she won't go."

The bedroom door had opened in the middle of that declaration... and now Ellie was behind him again. "Won't go where? Somewhere without Joel? Damn right I won't go." She came around and squeezed herself between him and the table -- planted herself in his lap, her head tucked against his shoulder. "We're a package deal. Like it or not."

Joel kind of wanted to push her off his lap... to tell her there was no need to further antagonize his brother... but he also wanted to hold her close. Hold her and thank her for being in his corner, for fighting this losing battle so fiercely. He settled for resting his forearms on the table, so that they were somewhat wrapped around her but not likely to agitate Tommy.

Tommy sighed. "I know that, sweetheart. Joel's got you brainwashed real good. But now--"

"Stop with the bullshit! Please," Ellie pleaded.

"I'll have to discuss it with Maria... what we should do. But damn, I sure ain't lookin' forward to tellin' her about all this."

"Then don't," Ellie mumbled.

"I have to. No one else needs to know, though. It's... family business."

That opinion was a relief to hear; Joel had wondered if maybe Tommy would call for a public hanging or some shit. Maybe he don't hate me THAT bad...

No -- Tommy didn't hate him at all. Because, unlike Joel, he was actually a good man. A good man who was rightfully upset about witnessing a wrong, and now felt compelled to take appropriate action to correct it.

"What I'm thinkin' is... you both should come an' stay with us," said Tommy. "In separate rooms, of course. And you'll never be alone together. In our house or anywhere else in town. If I have to personally ensure that that happens myself, I will. But like I said... gotta discuss it with Maria first. Maybe she's got a better idea. Just thinkin' on the fly here."

"So... you're not kicking us out?" Ellie asked softly.

"No. That wouldn't help you -- and I know you don't see it right now, but that's all I'm tryin' to do here, is help you."

"Right. Get me away from horrible, awful Joel so he doesn't hurt me anymore," she grumbled.

"You need better role models, that's for sure."

Yes, she really does...

"Joel is not a bad man. He's the sweetest... kindest... gentlest..."

"What I walked in on before sure as hell wasn't gentle," Tommy said coldly; Joel could hear the silent shuddering in his tone.

Ellie actually snickered. "He was just doing me a favor. Doing what I asked."

Tommy grimaced. "Enough of that. I will thank you to never bring that up again. Bad enough I'm gonna have the mental image seared into my brain forever."

Ellie didn't push it. "So... I get that you want to separate us. I hate it, obviously, but I get it. So why don't I go live with you, and Joel stays here? Doesn't that make more sense? That would suit him better... being alone. And obviously you're super pissed at him -- you shouldn't be, but you are -- so I don't think you want him in your face all the time, living in your house."

Tommy narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "That ain't really what you want. What are you playin' at?"

"Nothing," Ellie replied innocently. "If you can't just walk away and mind your own business about this, then..."

"I can't. I turned a blind eye before -- several times -- when I shouldn't have. I just didn't think it was this... I thought... ...I don' know what the hell I thought. I feel pretty damn stupid not figurin' it out before now. Anyhow -- why would you suggest that now, after you just got done tellin' me you're a package deal?"

"I just... um... I realized that... I can see it from your point of view. You want me away from him? Well... isn't that the best way to do it?"

Joel knew what she was thinking: they would actually see more of each other while living apart -- and they'd get more chances to be alone -- if they weren't both under Tommy's thumb.

Unfortunately, Tommy seemed to have come to the same conclusion. "The problem with that is Joel can't be trusted. And you -- you'd prob'ly break your neck sneakin' out your bedroom window to go be with him every night. Nope -- sorry. I really think both of you need to come stay with us. Bein' in a... more healthy environment would be--"

"Ugh -- this is not an unhealthy environment!" Ellie groaned.

Tommy seemed to have given up trying to argue with her. He pushed back from the table and stood up. "Joel, why don't you come help me with the cargo -- if the boys haven't finished it by now. Maybe you won't need your wall anymore, but we'll definitely use it for somethin'. Ain't gonna send it back. Ellie, you can pack up in the meantime--"

"I wanted to see the truck!" she protested.

"Truck's prob'ly gone already."

"Maybe not -- don't we have to send stuff back with it? Like load it back up? Besides, maybe Maria will want to do something different. You said you have to talk to her first. Why bother packing if we might not need to?"

"Pretty sure she's gonna want you to stay with us. And this was a special trip -- just delivery. But who knows, maybe they brought a list with 'em... I didn't ask. You can come if you want."

"Okay. I'll be ready in a sec." She slid off Joel's lap and headed back to the bedroom.

Joel needed to at least put a shirt on as well... but he would wait for Ellie to return to go take care of that. Wouldn't want baby brother to have to come spy on us in there.

"This ain't over, Joel," Tommy said quietly. "This conversation. Not by a long shot. But we need to talk man to man. Maybe send Ellie off to the movies tonight."

As much as he wanted to tell his brother to quit being such a sanctimonious little shit, Joel knew he was treading on thin ice as it was. Sometimes it's better to just keep your damn mouth shut. And it was hard to argue with someone who happened to be right; Ellie might not be ready to concede this battle yet, but Joel had already surrendered. The only gesture that made any sense to him here was waving the white flag.

As for what it might mean for Ellie and him... what the future held for them now... God only knows.

~Continue to Chapter 36~

"Singularity" Chapter 34: "Guilty Pleasures" [34/49]

2022-05-18T12:58:31Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 34: "Guilty Pleasures" [34/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,720
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: FYI due to vacation plans, the next chapter will be going up a little later than normal -- no more than one week later.

~

Over the next couple of weeks, Ellie settled back into something resembling her old weekly routine at Jackson: mornings at the farm, afternoons at the library, with two or three days off from each. She and Joel were folded into the schedule for May, and they were usually given weekends off together. Shifts were fairly short for everyone where possible (well, Joel said they were short: to him, anything less than eight hours was “nothin’ ”). The person who had taken over her cataloging project at the library had fucked it all up, as far as Ellie could tell, so she had made no real progress to speak of there (plus, she still got distracted by the books sometimes... that was part of the fun). It wasn't on the calendar, so she could basically work on it whenever she felt like it, but she liked to work that around her scheduled story time with the kids. That particular schedule was posted where the kids could see it, and some of them had told her they liked her days the best, so she never traded shifts with anyone -- only covered for others if they asked her to.

Dinners typically alternated between the farm, Tommy and Maria's, and at home with Joel. When Joel did his fourth-shift guard duty (which he still stubbornly referred to as 'second shift,' even though she'd told him repeatedly why this made no sense), she sometimes ate dinner elsewhere, like at Karen's house, or Chelsea's -- and she especially enjoyed Chelsea's when all the daycare kids were there. Ellie would've liked to have dinner with Clicker, too, but he never invited her, even when she dropped very not-subtle hints. Which was fine... she wasn't in the habit of inviting people over, either. When she and Joel ate at home, that was precious alone time, and she didn't want to share him with anyone! Joel seemed to feel the same way, because he never invited anyone over for dinner, either. Their house was really small. Only one other person could join them at the table by bringing over the desk chair; anyone extra would have to go sit on the couch or something. Dinners at Tommy and Maria's were usually just limited to the four of them now, and Ellie could understand why they'd put an end to the chaos of old: the baby caused enough chaos of his own!

She did babysit from time to time, just for short periods -- sometimes when Maria was home, even. Like if Maria wanted to get chores done uninterrupted, or attend to some town business... maybe go to the store, or visit with a friend. One time, Maria just really wanted to take a nap, and Grayson didn't. So Ellie had soothed and played with him, and eventually gotten him to fall asleep in her lap, just like he'd done that night she and Joel babysat him... when the three of them had been all snuggled up together on the couch. Joel might act like he couldn't care less about bonding with his nephew... but I KNOW he enjoyed that! Sometimes, there was absolutely nothing wrong with Grayson when he cried -- he just wanted to be held. Ellie couldn't blame the kid for not wanting to be alone in his crib, especially when the room was dark (night lights could only do so much, really). Joel had tried to take him from her that night and put him to bed, but she refused to allow that, because what if he woke up and got scared when he realized he was alone? As long as he was happily sleeping in her arms, that was where he needed to stay. Joel had thought she was being a little ridiculous... that it wasn't mean of them to put him in his crib... but he hadn't fought her too hard on it.

Ellie slowly got accustomed to spending more time apart from Joel again. She still went riding with Annie sometimes (although she sorely missed Spirit when she did), and Meredith never joined them for that. The girl seemed to respect that it was their thing. Ellie was grateful for this, even though she was starting to not mind Meredith so much. She didn't feel like they would ever be besties or anything like that, but she didn't dislike her. And, despite Joel accusing her of being jealous, Ellie was truly happy that Annie had found a friend that she liked so much... someone she could spend time with when Ellie wasn't around. Someone who wasn't Jacob. Ellie really wished she could go spy on Christine some more and see if she could do anything to help Annie out with Colton, but try as she might, she couldn't get Joel to agree to take another trip out to Farm 4. He said there was no need, and he didn't understand why she was so eager to go (Ellie kept her promise to Annie and didn't say anything about her motives).

Secretly, she was beginning to think it just wasn't meant to be for those two anyway. What kind of romance could they really have? She knew there was such a thing as long distance relationships, but in this case, she didn't see how it could work since they hadn't even been a couple when the distance happened, and now they never saw each other at all. At least Annie didn't seem too broken up about it; it was almost like she was content to think about what might have been -- or what might be, if Colton ever moved back? -- and leave it at that. Maybe it just felt good to have someone to think about who wasn't that lying cheating douchebag Jacob.

Ellie also continued to play video games with Clicker, and his new bestie, Wyatt -- and he even brought her into his D&D game (campaign, is what they called it). My purple-haired gnome cleric rocks! She had already resurrected another character and everything. That was Ellie's favorite skill -- one she wished that she could learn to use in real life.

She attended a few play rehearsals, just for fun... but since Alyssa kept giving her the stink eye (even when all she did was sit and watch quietly! Which is what she did most of the fucking time she was there anyways!), she figured maybe she ought to not do that anymore. Not that a thirteen-year-old girl was intimidating or anything, just... Ellie did feel kind of bad for her. Clicker continued to say that she wasn't his girlfriend (and from what Ellie could see, he was telling the truth), but the girl didn't seem to realize this. Or maybe she just refused to accept it. There was a possessive air about her, when it came to Clicker... possibly only where Ellie was concerned, though, because Ellie noticed that she didn't flip her shit over the Dorothy actress touching him and stuff. Then again, maybe she doesn't view eleven-year-old Mia as a threat? Even though she's closer to their age than I am! Alyssa didn't even need to attend most of the rehearsals, being a mere munchkin herself -- and not one with a speaking role, at that -- but if Clicker was there, she was there. And, Ellie had to admit, the girl had more of a right to be there than Ellie did. The fact that Alyssa was Jacob's sister certainly didn't help matters, but Ellie got the distinct impression the girl's loathing of her had more to do with Clicker than her asshat brother.

Ellie could have, perhaps, tried a little harder to be nice to her...

"Ellie, why do you keep coming to rehearsal? You're not even IN the play."

"...I don't go to ALL of them. I just like to watch sometimes. It's fun, seeing how everything comes together."

"Well, you're just a distraction. You don't need to be here."

"A distraction? I'm not even doing anything!"

"Cordy knows you're here. It's affecting his performance."

"Uh... okay? I think he's doing just fine. The only reason he looked at me after that... brain song part... was cuz he fucked it up when we rehearsed together. I'm glad he's--"

"Wait -- what do you mean WHEN YOU REHEARSED TOGETHER?"

"...Just what it sounds like? We rehearsed... together... the other night. He didn't tell you? I just read off his script, he had his--"

"At NIGHT?!"

"Yeah. I offered to help out, and he came over."

"But -- you're -- ugh, you're not even IN it!"

"Yeah, you mentioned that already. There's no rule that a friend can't help another friend with his lines."

"But he doesn't need you to! I can help him with that!"

"Well... maybe he doesn't wanna rub it in that you're nothing but a munchkin? With no lines of your own? He's just being considerate of your feelings."

"Yeah right! You're trying to steal him away from me!"

"Hey, calm down -- I don't think you want him coming over here, do you? And that's ridiculous. How can I steal him away from you... when you don't even HAVE him? I mean..."

"Shut up! He's my boyfriend, okay? Just because he doesn't like to be all grope-y in public doesn't mean--"

"Oooookay... sure, I guess that's all it is..."

"He's shy!"

"...Uh-huh. SHY. Yep, that's the first word that comes to mind about Clicker, not friendly... outgoing... funny..."

"He can be that stuff and still be shy about girls. DUH."

"Yeah, I guess. He's not shy with ME, but..."

"You're not-- WITH him, like a girl!"

"Of course not. I'm too busy sucking Joel's dick, remember? You're the one who started spreading that shit all--"

"It wasn't me!"

"My bad -- it was your brother and his whore girlfriend who started it. But they made sure you told all your little friends... which version was your favorite? The one where Joel makes me, or the one where I'm a slut who will blow anyone who asks? ...I'm guessing it's the second one. No wonder you're worried about me being around Clicker. I mean, I can't help myself... I might accidentally find his dick in my-- --hey, where are you going? ...Nice talking to you!"

Ellie's mouth could get her in trouble sometimes (...and not from being wrapped around Joel's dick, unfortunately). She hoped that little exchange didn't make its way back to Joel somehow, because she could hear the lecture already. Ellie hadn't felt bad about it (because fuck that little twat) until she'd had to confess to Clicker that she may have mentioned them rehearsing together in private, and he'd gotten a little pissy about it. She hadn't meant to make things more difficult between him and Alyssa (besides, if she wasn't his girlfriend, why should he care if she knew about it? ...right?!). In fact, she thought it might help him out, if he was trying to get rid of her and she just wasn't taking the hint. Ellie was doing him a favor! But he didn't seem to see it that way. She decided it would be better to just steer clear of rehearsals, going forward... and to never interfere when she saw Clicker and Alyssa together. Like some nights in the library... if he approached her, fine -- she wasn't going to be a dick to him. But usually she went there with Joel, and if Joel was willing to watch a movie with her, he generally didn't pick the same one those two were watching. If Joel wasn't game, and Ellie really wanted to watch the same movie Clicker was watching, she could always sit next to someone else. One of the Idaho newbies, Ruben, always beckoned her over when he saw her; they had gotten to like each other pretty quickly (and not like that, of course... he was just cool to pal around with down at the farm).

Joel's not crazy about him, though... he was wary of any guy who was nice to her, naturally -- he was just paranoid like that. At the ripe old age of twenty-four, she figured Ruben should at least be exempt from his theory that teenage boys were nothing but bundles of testosterone who couldn't control their lust around girls. Then again... Max was twenty-eight now, and Joel still didn't--

No, Max is different. He just straight up pisses Joel off... but I'm pretty sure Joel's not worried about him being "inappropriate" with me. There were two Maxes in town now. One of Ellie's favorite new things to do to annoy Joel was to casually mention 'Max' but not identify which one, wait for his expression to sour or for him to tense up... he might even say something mean that Max didn't deserve... and then she'd sweetly tell him that no, she was in fact referring to the new Max. Who was only seventeen, and thus, should have been more cause for concern, really, by Joel's ridiculous standards -- and the fact that he already had a girlfriend didn't even matter. Ellie wondered if she should perhaps employ 'the Parker method': just tell Joel that she was pretty sure so-and-so was gay (no matter who she was talking about -- yep, they're all gay! Every boy I've met!). Someone could be gay and still have a girlfriend, if the boy hadn't yet figured it out for himself, so anyone was fair game for this tactic. How long could she get away with that before Joel caught on? Parker had indeed been gay, after all -- or at least bi -- which should lend credibility to her gaydar.

Ellie did find herself thinking about Parker from time to time. She wondered how he was doing... whether or not he hated her guts now... had she screwed everything up for him? The only one she could really speculate with was Joel, and he wasn't very tolerant of it for long. He'd tell her it was best not to worry about shit like that. That she should just try to put it out of her mind. Joel certainly seemed to have no problem with not looking back. She envied him that sometimes.

Generally, though, Ellie wasn't inclined to look back much herself. She had so much to look forward to! Especially with Joel. It was less than two years now until they could quit hiding their relationship... which still seemed like forever, but it was less forever-ish than like... a year ago. Okay, so more like ten months ago... we weren't even a couple a year ago! Their ten-month anniversary was this upcoming Sunday. She had figured they may as well make it an anniversary weekend -- as in, spending the majority of it in bed -- and she'd said as much to Joel, several times. He had teased her about his very busy social life and said it was a good thing she kept reminding him not to make plans because his calendar was filling right up. (He also seemed to be using it as an excuse not to have sex with her, like he wanted to 'save up' or something? But since she was actually planning on coaxing as much sex out of him as she could this weekend, she didn't push it.)

So when Joel had casually announced Friday night that he was working the next day -- on his day off! -- Ellie had been furious.

"How could you do that, Joel?!"

"I didn't PLAN on it. We just didn't finish before the kids got out of school--"

"I could've babysat them so you guys could finish! You should've told me!"

"How could I tell you when I didn' know ahead of time?"

"Well -- why can't you just finish on Monday?"

"...We could, I s'pose, but the weather's been cooperatin' this week... when Craig asked us if we could put in a couple hours tomorrow to finish up, I couldn't think of a good reason to say no."

"COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD REASON? Uggghhhh!"

"Oh, I'm sorry -- you're right. I should've told him I planned on spendin' the whole weekend in bed with my sixteen-year-old girlfriend."

"You could've said... literally ANYTHING else. How about 'fuck you, it's my day off so why don't you let someone else do it'?"

"Sure. 'Cause as you know, they ride us real hard around here. It's rough, workin' six whole hours in a day. IF that -- plenty of times we finish early, or have to stop early for some other reason. Besides, you know I like to finish what I start. That's much more satisfyin' than leavin' it to--"

"You wanna work tomorrow so you can feel SATISFIED?! Seriously, Joel?"

"You're cute. It's a different kind of satisfied an' you know it."

"What I KNOW is you're blowing me off to go be with a bunch of dudes, when you could be with ME."

"Not 'a bunch,' just a couple. And one of 'em is Shelly, actually."

"That's even worse! Blowing me off on our anniversary to be with another woman!"

"...At least her name sounds kinda like yours."

"Yeah -- like, why doesn't she just go by her real name? 'Michelle' is a perfectly nice name."

"Right -- I'm sure she's doin' it just to offend you. Anyhow, it ain't our anniversary yet -- and our REAL one ain't for another couple of months. Forget it, kiddo -- you ain't changin' my mind. Don't look at me like that... it ain't that big a deal. From Saturday afternoon 'til Monday mornin', I'm all yours."

"Afternoon? Can't you just get it done in the morning? If it's only a couple hours..."

"Startin' at noon. That worked out better for Bo 'cause he's got late guard duty on--"

"FIIIIIIIINE. I'll just make it VERY hard for you to get out of bed tomorrow, that's all."

"...You know I don't like that when I have to go to work after. You KNOW that. I ain't exactly a spring chicken no more--"

"Okay okay! Fuck! Why don't we just cancel the whole thing then? I mean why even bother? You obviously don't even want to be with me anyway!"

"Aww, baby girl, don't be like that."

"Like what?! Just saying it how it is!"

"Let me make it up to you. I'll do whatever you want, when I get home. All right?"

"...ANYthing I want?"

"Yep. You name it. Other than... things I ain't comfortable with."

"Which is like EVERYTHING!"

"No -- that one specific thing is off limits. Anything else goes."

~Specifically~, she knew he meant going down on him. But Ellie was okay with that. He had let her do it for a minute once... and any time she had attempted it since, he had... gently declined. Granted, she hadn't tried very hard; she felt weird about it because it so obviously made him uncomfortable that she felt like too much of an asshole if she pushed the issue. It really wasn't that big a deal -- they were having sex now, and wasn't that a million times better anyway?! She had no cause for complaint. She would eventually persuade him to let her do it again -- and to let her finish the job next time. ...Mr. I Like To Finish What I START!

Anyway, she was also okay with it because she had a better idea... one that made her giggle with glee just imagining it!

To kick things off, she acted a bit cool towards him Saturday morning. Like she couldn't care less that he was leaving. In fact, she left the house before he did, and huffily told him not to expect her to be home when he got back. She truly did not mind that he would be gone for such a short time, but given that she could be a bit... well... theatrical, sometimes?... she knew he would buy her little act. He had apologized and tried to be sweet to her with kisses and stuff, but she acted like she was immune to all of that. At one point, she thought he might have been about to blow off the whole work thing just to appease her -- and now she actually didn't want him to blow it off! -- so, right before she headed out, she smiled and kissed him and told him it was okay, as long as he was hers the rest of the weekend, and she would just look forward to him finishing the job and coming home.

She hadn't planned on going anywhere that day, and she didn't really want to run into anyone she might have to explain herself to, so she just went for a walk. She wished she had thought to ask where he would be working, so she could go there and stake the place out to see when he got there and when he was about to leave, but it didn't really matter. She ducked into the library occasionally to check the time (and only to check the time -- she didn't want to get pulled into a game or something, so she didn't linger), and when she saw it was nearly one o'clock, she figured she'd better head on home.

Ellie thought about hanging out outside, like around the side of the house... if she sat still long enough, the motion detector lights would fail to detect her motion, and shut themselves off... but so far, every time they'd arrived home together, Joel had 'done a lap' around the house. Didn't matter if it was day or night. Curious though she was to see if he would do it when she wasn't with him -- because she knew he prioritized her safety over his own -- she couldn't risk being discovered. Once he got inside, though, his guard would be lowered, and she'd probably be safe.

If only the house were just a teensy bit bigger!

She didn't fit under the bed (which was fine... she'd had enough of hiding under beds after hiding under Sophie's!). She could possibly hide behind the arm of the sofa closest to the wall, but if Joel decided to go sit over there, there was no way he wouldn't see her, or maybe even just sense her with that uncanny ability of his. The back of the sofa was against the wall, so she couldn't just stealthily move around the thing to avoid detection if necessary. She did fit under the coffee table (barely), but again, if Joel decided to go sit on the sofa... The kitchen might have had possibilities, as she could fit inside a couple of the larger cabinets... but there was stuff inside them, which she would have to remove and find other temporary homes for, and if she was going to do that, she might as well just find another place herself.

In the end, she settled on the bedroom closet. The hall closet was actually the best option, as far as minimizing the risk of being discovered, but there was no light in there, and the last thing she needed was to have a panic attack because it was dark. Suffocation also would not be ideal -- nor would dying of boredom from just standing there for what might end up being a couple hours! So, the bedroom closet it was. Thankfully, the guitar wasn't in there like it sometimes was... like it had been that very morning, if she remembered correctly? She wondered if Joel was planning on singing to her, and had taken it out to tune it or to practice a little after she left. How sweet! Oh I hope that's what he was doing! Maybe he's gonna sing to me for our anniversary? It was in the corner of the room just a few feet away from her, so there was a chance he would see her if he decided to go pick it up when he got home. She didn't dare move it, because Joel would probably fucking notice, and then get suspicious and tear the place apart looking for an intruder or something. Luckily, their lack of hangers meant that he wouldn't be venturing over to the closet to change clothes; they kept nearly their entire wardrobe in the one dresser (where it fit quite easily, as they didn't have much). The only item of clothing Ellie had in the closet was actually Annie's: the dress. Annie had gifted it to her, but Ellie still didn't really think of it as her own. It was definitely just a special occasion thing. Which... this IS, but... no dress required! The sliding closet door was perpetually open because it liked to stick, and there just was no real reason to close it, so Ellie settled herself into the far corner with her book and started reading to pass the time, straining her eyes in the dim light. Phase one: complete!

It took her a little while to mellow out enough to actually be able to comprehend the words she was reading without having to re-read them ten times, but eventually, she found herself absorbed in her book -- the second one in the series that Sophie had inadvertently hooked her on (and the cover featured another half-naked cowboy!). Ellie had 'unofficially' checked out the book at the library; she was still just borrowing it, not stealing it, so she didn't feel bad about the deception. It would've just been way too embarrassing to bring it up to the counter and have Angie or Deborah arch their eyebrows, and perhaps make a snarky remark or two. From what she'd observed, teenagers who wanted to read these sorts of books typically just sneaked peeks at the sexy parts in the library without actually checking them out -- although she wouldn't be surprised if some copies had been stolen as well. Maybe if she were Sophie's age, she wouldn't give a fuck about actually checking it out (and she not-so-secretly admired Sophie's confidence about all things related to sex).

Anyway, Ellie only read this one when Joel wasn't around. Fortunately, he respected her privacy enough not to snoop through her backpack, where she kept it carefully hidden in order to spare herself the lecture ("you don't need to be reading that shit, Ellie" -- ETCETERA). He'd kind of let it slide in California when there was pretty much nothing else around for her to read, but she didn't have that excuse anymore. What had Sophie called it... a guilty pleasure? Like... she knew it wasn't great literature or anything, but it was just so fucking fun to read. Ellie totally understood that. She actually thought Joel should prefer this over her "goddamn vampire novels," because the way she figured it, the more she learned about sex, the better she would be at it, and that would certainly be to his benefit!

Things were really heating up -- after like eight chapters of sexual tension, the main characters were finally about to start fucking each other's brains out! -- when Ellie heard the door open, and she lamented Joel's timing for a moment before coming to her senses and realizing HE'S FINALLY HOME! Home -- and thus, hers -- for the rest of the weekend!

"Ellie? You home?"

Reflexively, she held her breath. Then she realized she'd better save that for when he actually entered the bedroom, if she wanted to avoid exhaling a huge hiding-spot-giveaway breath when he was just on the other side of the closet door. Be cool, Ellie... she didn't dare move a muscle.

"Ellie?"

It seemed to take him a really long time to reach the bedroom. She carefully drew a deep breath when she heard his footsteps in the hall. Surely he realized by now that she wasn't home. So why the fuck is he just STANDING there? It better not be his fucking ELLIE SENSE! It seemed like he was suspicious that something was amiss, but she couldn't think of what she may have done to--

...Ohhhhh fuck, I know what I did! I forgot to lock the door! Which had naturally made Joel think she was already home. And there was no way Joel would've left without locking it; he never ever forgot to do that (and the door had in fact been locked when Ellie had gotten home). So now that he sees I'm NOT home, he's wondering what's up... hopefully he'll assume I came home and then left again, and he won't decide to scour the place for burglars...

Fortunately, he didn't dwell on it for too long; Ellie was able to carefully exhale when she heard the rustling of clothes. She silently took another decent breath and held it until he left the room, only daring to exhale when she heard the bathroom door shut. Yes! She'd been counting on him taking a shower; he did shower in the morning sometimes -- especially if they'd had sex since he last showered -- but he pretty much always showered after work if he got sweaty or dirty (which he apparently did, most days). Ellie liked to tease him about wasting water, and how spoiled he was now, taking up to two showers a day when they used to get zero a day. She stayed in the closet until she heard the shower turning on. Because wouldn't that be just fucking fantastic if Joel heard her right before flushing the toilet or something.

Phase two: go time! Ellie emerged from the closet, stretching her limbs and rubbing the kinks out from being stuck in the same position for so long. ...Which I guess I better get used to, though, cuz... yeahhhh. Hehe!

Since she probably didn't have much time, she stripped as quickly as she could, climbed into bed buck naked, and set about fastening the handcuffs around her wrists, looping them through one of the spindles on the headboard so that she would be attached to the bed with her hands over her head. Getting the second cuff to click into place was slightly more difficult than she'd anticipated. She couldn't reach it with her other hand, so she had to work it between her wrist and the headboard... or her wrist and her head... but she did manage it -- and before Joel had even finished showering! Now all she had to do was wait.

She kicked the covers down, deciding it would be best to give Joel the full view of what awaited him once he got out of that shower. Her hair was loose, just the way Joel liked it, and it was long enough now that it fell just past her shoulders. Thinking about the look that would be on his face when he walked in there and found her like this made her blush. ...Good! Get the stupid little girl blushing out of the way!

If there was any justice in the world (as Joel liked to say), he would start singing in the shower now. Singing loud and off-key, a song that was embarrassing as fuck -- something he would only ever sing when he thought he was alone. Payback's a bitch! She did hear him whistling some indistinct tune, but no full-fledged song... and certainly nothing embarrassing. How disappointing... but I suppose it's for the best, because I also don't want to be LAUGHING MY ASS OFF when he comes in here, either!

The excitement of anticipation mounted to a crazy-high level when she heard the water turn off. He's almost here! Eeeeee! There were no clothes laid out on the bed, but he only did that, like... maybe half the time? Most likely, he hadn't brought clothes into the bathroom with him. He used to do that, back when their relationship was platonic, but he'd become pretty comfortable walking around naked now that her eyes were "no longer innocent." Even if he did get dressed in there, though, he could just get undressed again super quick! Oh fuck... what if he DOES get dressed in the bathroom, and then doesn't even come back to the bedroom? I guess I could make a little noise... like bang the headboard against the wall a little or something... and then he'll come in here with a gun drawn -- ha! She tried to remember if she'd seen his boots on his side of the bed. Sometimes he took them off in the other room, but the footsteps she'd heard earlier were booted ones, so... surely they're there? Why can't I see them? She strained her neck, trying to see over the far side of the bed.

After a very loooong couple of minutes, her silly fears were laid to rest: Joel entered the bedroom, wearing only a towel, and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of her. "What the..."

She smiled tentatively, suddenly feeling shy for some reason. "Um... hi?" GODDAMNIT why is the fucking blush coming back?!

"You were not here when I was in here before. Or am I blind?" He was smiling...

...and he looks more amused than turned on... but Ellie wasn't discouraged. "Nope! I just appeared out of nowhere, like magic! And whoops, I seem to have gotten myself chained to this bed... somehow... hehe!"

He crossed his arms over his chest and just looked at her, chuckling to himself. "What am I gonna do with you, girl..."

"I can think of a few things," she said sweetly. "You have to come a little closer, though..."

He started moving toward her very slowly. "How much closer?" he teased.

"A lot closer -- and lose the towel," she suggested.

"Yes ma'am..."

When he let the towel fall away, Ellie was happy to note that he did appear to be at least somewhat affected by the sight of her... and from whatever his imagination is cooking up, I guess? He climbed onto the bed... and just hovered over her. Like not even touching an inch of her, anywhere. He had a mischievous glint in his eye that was kind of scaring her a little. Uh-oh...

"This is gonna be real fun," he said evilly (yes, evilly!).

"What? What do you mean?" she all but shrieked, nudging him with her foot.

"Well... I just noticed when I got home -- we're out of bread. I reckon I'd better mosey on over to the--"

"Don't you fucking dare!" she seethed. "You can't leave me like this!"

"...Can't I?"

"No!"

"Huh. Well, it ain't my fault you--"

"Yes it is! It is your fucking fault -- you left this morning!"

"Only 'cause I had to. Duty called." He leaned in and calmly inspected her cuffed wrists. "You really did lock yourself up good, didn'tcha. You ain't goin' nowhere."

"And neither are you!"

"Me? I'm free to do as I please. No restrictions whatsoever on me."

"Joel! Stop being a dick! You're not supposed to-- ugh! You're supposed to... like..." She thought he was going to kiss her then, but he stopped short. And when she lunged toward him as best she could, quick as a flash he pulled right back. It was so fucking infuriating!

"What am I s'posed to do? Be... so overcome with lust that I just..."

"YES!" she groaned. "You're ruining everything!"

He laughed -- more like cackled, really. "You should see the look on your face right now. It's priceless."

"Fuck you!" Even though she knew it would do no good, she struggled to break free. Of the fucking locked handcuffs. She did manage to connect her foot with his chest, although she wouldn't exactly classify it as a kick...

"Calm down." He brought her leg up. Hitched it over his shoulder... kissed her ankle. He glanced at her. "Do you really think I would actually--"

"YES! You're evil!"

"...Evil?"

"Yes!"

He planted little kisses up her calf... her knee... her inner thigh... she sucked in her breath involuntarily. She was finally getting the right kind of attention from him...

"From where I'm sittin', you're the evil one," he declared.

"What? Why?" she breathed.

He kissed her belly button. "How is a man s'posed to resist you... like this? Hm?"

THIS is more like it! "Um... who says you have to resist me?" She tried to sound playful... coy... sexy. She wasn't sure if she succeeded.

"I s'pose we are a little beyond that now..." He took one of her nipples in his mouth.

"Fuck yeah we are... mmm..." She enjoyed the little ripples of pleasure he was producing... and tried not to feel frustrated at not being able to wrap her arms around him. I remember he complained about that when HE wore these! He had let her leg fall slack... she was tempted to bring it right back up to the side of his head, but... no, I'll just relax for now... I wonder what he's going to do next...

He switched to the other nipple... Ellie arched her back and "mmm"d some more to encourage him. And to reward him for finally being sweet!

"I ain't sure what's affectin' you more -- me, or bein' cold."

"You!" Duh!

He raised his head and finally kissed her lips. "I'll just have to warm you up."

"I'm not cold!" ...Okay, maybe she was a little bit cold, now that he mentioned it...

"Your body says otherwise. I'm drippin' water on you, too, which don't help, I'm sure--"

"You're fine," she assured him. Only his hair was still drip-wet, and it would dry soon enough. Ugh, there's stupid little goosebumps all over me! SO unsexy! "Like you said -- I guess you'll just have to warm me up. You're good at that." If he kept leaning over her, his body heat would do the trick... but it would be even better if he'd KISS them all away!

He caressed her cheek. "One thing we oughta do, when we're playin' with these cuffs... or any time, really... is have a safe word."

"A safe word?" she echoed. "I didn't even kick you that hard! Or... at all, really."

He chuckled. "I don't mean for that."

"No? Well, whatever you mean it for, I'm not gonna go to sleep just cuz you say a word."

"...Okay, you lost me. Why would I want you to do that?"

"Beats me! You're the one that said it!"

"Said what?"

"That we should have a safe word!"

He gave her a little kiss. "You're cute. It ain't got nothin' to do with goin' to sleep. Don' know where you got that--"

"We just saw it like... two weeks ago? Remember River kicking ass? You liked that part, even." She could see the comprehension dawning on him now.

"Right -- I forgot about that thing in the movie. That's... somethin' different. For normal folks, a safe word is like... you know how sometimes you say 'no,' or 'don't,' but you don't really mean it... and other times, you do?"

"I never mean it!" she protested.

"You do, sometimes."

Not really... and he was the one who said 'no' all the time! She supposed there may have been one or two times she meant it. "I guess... but you can always tell the difference," she pointed out.

"No, not always. I think... especially when there's roleplay involved... or like now, when you're... very much at my mercy..." This time he paused to flash her a wicked grin that made her stomach do its little flippy thing. "There needs to be a way to stop... where we don't have to... just be able to tell the difference. Where we don't have to rely on interpretation."

"Pfff. Why the fuck would I wanna stop you? I know you're not gonna hurt me. I trust you."

"It ain't about that. I mean... it is and it ain't. Just like with... everything else... trust is all well an' good, but I can't read your mind."

"Yes you can! Sometimes I swear you do!"

He chuckled. "Sometimes ain't all the time. Maybe you don't like somethin' I'm doin'. Maybe you want somethin' to be different. Somethin' makes you uncomfortable... or it hurts... I don' know. Maybe bein' restrained starts to make you feel like... just... there's plenty of reasons."

"Like... I have to pee?" she ventured.

"...Do you?"

"No," she laughed. "But that might be the only good reason!"

"Well... whatever the case may be. You use the safe word, I know you mean it. That way... you can play more. You can pretend you don't like bein' chained up. Pretend you have to pee. Ask me to unlock the cuffs an' let you go or somethin'."

"What, like... ask you, even though I don't want you to let me go?"

"Right."

"So you can be a dick and be like 'no way, bitch!' " she smirked.

He smiled. "Pretty much."

Ha! "Oh man... now I wanna hear you call me that. Or worse." Joel never called her any derogatory names, even when he was super mad at her. He might tell her she was "acting stupid" or something like that, but he would stop short of calling her, say, a stupid worthless cunt.

"As long as you don't use the word -- the safe word -- I'll know you're just playin', see. That you ain't truly upset."

Now that she thought about it, Ellie could see the value in it. "Same for you, right? I mean... you don't usually like it when I get too upset, so maybe you won't like it when I'm fake-upset, either. Maybe you won't like how it goes."

"Fair enough. You know I can be a real asshole, though."

"So?" she laughed.

"So... I think you're more likely to get truly upset than me, is all."

She snorted. "You can just stop whenever you want anyways... not like I can do anything about it. -Hey, how come we didn't have a word when you were the one who was locked up? Don't tell me this is some sexist idea of--"

"No, no, nothin' like that. Just didn't think about it beforehand. You're right -- we should've had one."

He did say later that it was a weird feeling, to be that dependent on me... and Joel didn't even have it that bad, in that motel -- all he would've had to do was stand up and he'd be free to move around. Whereas I can't move from this position at all! "We can still talk about it afterwards and stuff, right? What it felt like... or what we liked best..."

"Of course."

"Okay, so what's the word?" she asked eagerly.

"We have to agree on one. It can't be a word like 'no' or 'stop'... or anything else we might naturally say."

"...Like 'fuck'?"

"Ha -- yes, definitely not that. You'd have to think too hard about not sayin' that one."

"So... ... ...?"

"Only one I can think of is 'red.' Like a stop sign. That work for you?"

Ellie supposed she wasn't likely to scream out a color in the throes of passion and accidentally make him stop when she didn't want him to. "Stop signs have white on them, too," she informed him cheekily. And sometimes other colors, like if there's graffiti!

" 'Red'n'white' then, if you prefer, Miss Smartass."

"That's three words. You said it's supposed to be a safe word -- like, singular. Although River's was actually more than one word, too..." She giggled at the exasperated look on his face. "Okay, fine, I'm cool with 'red.' Not like I'm ever gonna have to use it."

"Never say never. You might be surprised."

Oh he's gonna smack me for this, but-- "I didn't say 'never' -- I said ever," she pointed out sweetly.

Joel groaned, but he was smiling when he kissed her. "You're lucky you're so damn cute."

"I guess I am... since I'm at your mercy and all..."

"Mm. I could just decide I wanna..." He trailed a hand idly down her chest, cupping a breast... then venturing lower... "...tickle the hell out of--"

"Don't you dare!" Ellie recoiled from the taunting hand as best she could -- although her best amounted to not very well at all. When she twisted sideways, she could scoot up into a sitting position with her legs tucked up to her chest, but she had no way to fully protect her vulnerable, very-ticklish sides!

He smirked. "I didn't say I was goin' to. Just that I could."

"No you can't! Not unless you want me to either say the word or fucking pee myself -- and prob'ly pee on you, since I'm naked!"

He climbed on top of her and tugged her down a little, extending her arms back over her head so she was laying down, but he let her keep her legs folded up. "Don't really want you to do either of those things, so I guess you're right: I can't." He leaned in and kissed her neck...

...which was pretty much guaranteed to make her melt. She spread her legs and coiled them around him, pulling his chest to hers... his groin to hers... "Fuck... you know what sucks about this? I can't touch you."

He kissed her throat... up to her lips. "We're touchin' pretty good right now..."

"I mean with my hands! Just like you said when it was your turn!"

"Mm. I'll miss you scratchin' my back when you get all excited..."

She still thought it was weird that he liked that. Like... he claimed it didn't even hurt. This was obviously a lie, though, because even when she asked him to do it to her, he refused to scratch her hard enough to draw blood. And she knew that he could if he wanted to; his nails weren't exactly tidily-groomed! She donned her most sweet'n'innocent smile. "I'd be happy to do that for you if you free my hands... sir..." The 'sir' slipped out before she realized that she probably didn't need it to convey that she was joking around and didn't really want him to do that -- isn't that the whole point of having a safe word?

"No can do, kiddo. I ain't done with you yet."

She tried to pout (which was kind of hard to do when she wanted to giggle). "Aww... who says you have to be done with me? I'm just saying... I'll make you feel good if you--"

"You're gonna make me feel good anyway. I'll make sure of that."

Ha! Again, she just wanted to giggle, but she tried to act apprehensive. "Uh... what's that supposed to mean? Like... you're gonna just... do whatever you have to... with me? So you can..."

"That's right." He slithered down to the other side of her neck. "Gonna use your body for my own pleasure. Mine alone -- to hell with yours."

She tightened her legs around him and arched her back a little. "Whoa... that's fucking hot," she whispered.

"What was that?" Joel lifted his head and looked at her like... he was practically giving her a deathglare.

Why is it so HOT that he's pretending to be mean? But it fucking was. And she knew he had heard what she said. "Oh -- um -- nothing? Just... please be nice..." Even though she was all kinds of turned on right now, part of her was still amused, too.

He kissed her again, harder this time... his tongue more aggressive than usual. When he pulled away, he nipped at her lower lip. "Nice enough for ya?"

"Yeahhh... I mean -- no! Fuck you! Let me go!" She managed to suppress a laugh, but she felt a gigglefit coming on. FUCK-- I don't wanna fuck this up-- it's so FUN--

"Nope. Don't think I will." He slid down to breast level. "You're my new favorite plaything."

She let out a little "ooooo" when he applied his lips to her nipple... when she felt his tongue swirling over it. "Not plaything... you mean a hellthing..."

"A hot-as-hell-thing. That's right." He massaged her other breast... somewhat roughly, rolling the nipple between his fingers.

"Fuck... you better not like... bite me..." She held her breath.

A jolt of pleasure shot up her spine when she felt his teeth clamp down.

"Jesus... ...I told you... not... to..."

"You don't get to tell me what to do, little girl," he smirked. He shifted his oral ministrations to the other breast, massaging the bitten one with his hand.

I don't THINK he's gonna bite again... because he'd gotten a feel for how often she liked him to do it (which was... not often). But now she found herself wanting him to nip the other one, too. "Oh shit... um... please don't bite me like that..."

"I'll do whatever I damn well please," he mumbled into her breast, lapping and sucking... and not-biting.

She thought about stage-whispering to him that it would be totally fine if he bit her again, but decided it was too risky to break character. "You're such a dick! Why can't you just let me go... mm.. mmmotherfucker..." He's making it too hard to act like I don't like it! His lips drifted down to her belly... and she had a pretty good idea where they were headed. Fuck, I'm getting wet just THINKING about--

"Can't do it. Haven't tasted you yet." He paused about halfway between her belly button and her nether regions and glanced up at her. "Ain't gonna apologize for it, either. I think you're actually enjoyin' this... somehow."

"Oh, I'm not -- not at all! No way!" ...She could say the words, but she couldn't even pretend to sound upset while saying them. Try harder, she instructed herself. Now that you have the WORD, you don't have to worry about him believing you too much or whatever... but FUCK... if he would just, like... She tried to scoot up a little, the better to align Joel's lips with her clit, but Joel suddenly coiled his arms around her legs so tightly that she couldn't move them.

"Where do you think you're goin'?" he drawled, his lips trailing lower... but then they strayed off to the side.

Of COURSE he's going to tease me right now! Ugghhh! "I won't let you... uh... fuck..." She watched intently as he kissed alllll around the happy place.

"Won't let me what? You seem a little... distracted."

"You're... disgusting... if you would just-- ohhhhh!" She watched him drag his tongue right smack through the middle of her folds in one smooth (and agonizingly slow) motion. When he caught her looking, though, she threw her head back. "Fuck, Joel... I have to... I can't fucking move..." The way he was restraining her lower half right now, she couldn't even move her hips -- couldn't move anything.

"That's the idea." And now he was sucking on her clit...

But I want to SMASH MYSELF INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE RIGHT NOW! She didn't say it out loud, though. Just whimpered softly. It seemed like not being able to move was intensifying the sensations, although that didn't make any sense to her. Maybe it doesn't make sense because my brain is like MUSH... it's such sweet fucking torture that I can't even SPEAK... but 'torture' wasn't really the right word... there ARE no words! Literally!... There was only Joel... playing her body like an instrument...

"Ellie. Say the word if you have to." He sounded far away, for some reason... but he was right there... face in her crotch...

Why the fuck would I want to stop?! She realized he was watching her... judging her reaction, maybe?... although he hadn't exactly stopped. He was still... basically breathing her pussy. She just shook her head and let out a shuddery breath.

He finally eased his grip, hitching her legs over his shoulders and allowing her to pulse at his hovering face. He's going to drive me CRAZY! His wet lips... his prickly whiskers... his talented tongue... they were heavenly, but still seemed to be set to tease mode. She usually wanted to spread her legs as wide as possible when she was this aroused, but now she coiled them around his head in an attempt to draw him closer.

Joel noticed. "Quite the vise-grip you got there..." He shifted his focus from immobilizing her legs to like... pushing her pelvis firmly into the bed and holding it there.

She moaned as his tongue darted in and out of her sex, probing her playfully -- and 'playful' was a level beyond 'teasing,' at least, but she still wanted more. "If you would just... fucking... uugghh!"

But Ellie forgot her annoyance when he finally allowed her vise-grippy legs to hold his head where she wanted it. "Oh my God, Joel... Jesus fuck... fucking..."

"...Fuck Jesus?"

"Fuck Jesus!" she affirmed, giggling breathlessly.

He grabbed hold of her legs -- at the knees this time -- and eased them up to her belly, holding them there while he dipped his face below, still somewhat lightly but allowing much more contact than his initial taunting endeavors. Her calves dangled uselessly; she could probably kick him (but why the fuck would she want to do that right now?!), she just couldn't hug his head and pull him closer. She also couldn't really see what he was doing anymore... so she closed her eyes and let her head loll back against the headboard.

She moaned and writhed, bucking whenever she felt his mouth on her. "I don't see... how this is for your pleasure... ooohhh..."

"Oh, it is. I'm makin' sure that when I do let you go, you don't wanna leave me. See how that works?"

"I don't want you to let me go! I want you to just keep... doing what you're doing... foreeevvveeerrrrrr..." She was done pretending otherwise!

When he released her legs again, they settled comfortably on his shoulders, and she didn't have to pull him in anymore -- finally he was doing more pleasuring than teasing.

She still felt a little guilty about letting him do this, when she couldn't even return the favor, but what choice did she have? It wasn't her fault he wouldn't let her suck him off. And sure, she could try to twist herself around to escape his magical mouth, but with his arms currently limiting the movement of her legs, that would be rather difficult. Of course, the more difficult thing would be to find the strength of will to do it, because it felt so... just... absolutely fucking amazing, almost like a very prolonged orgasm. Only he never quite brought her all the way... somehow, he kept her dangling on the brink. She strained against the handcuffs, instinctively trying to grab his head and hold it right where she wanted it, to just uuuuuunnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhh -- but, Joel seemed to sense this, and was probably using it to further his cause of keeping her in the build-up phase, even though he was -- thank GOD -- doing way more than teasing now.

And how fucking hot does he look, smirking up at me like that with a face full of pussy?!

She kind of wished she didn't know about the annoying hairs-in-the-mouth thing he'd confessed to her recently, because since then, the thought would occasionally pop into her head when he was busy down there: does he have one in his mouth right now? Is it bugging him? Will I notice when he discreetly gets rid of it? If she ever asked, he would say no, possibly followed by a "don't worry about it." Thankfully, her body didn't let her dwell too long on shit like that; it was pretty insistent on making her feel those immensely pleasurable sensations instead.

Right now, she didn't care if Joel had ten annoying hairs in his mouth. She couldn't remember ever taking this long to have her first orgasm of the session... and if she was going to keep feeling this fucking good, she really didn't want to have one.

Or so she thought.

Finally, she reached a point where she just couldn't stand it anymore. "Joel -- oh my God -- oh fuck -- fuuuuck! -- fuck me now, Joel! Please! Ohhh please I can't stand it -- I'm gonna fucking explode --"

"Did I hear the magic three words?" he teased, wiping his face with her muff.

"Yes! FUCK ME, JOELLLLL! Hurry! I'm gonna come prob'ly the second you-- ohhhhhhhhh yeah... oh yeah... yessss, that's it!" He had never obliged that request quite so quickly before. And after all that fucking teasing! He's just-- BEYOND ready now, himself! "Ohhh, fuck me -- fuck me, Joel -- Oh my God -- harder-- do it harder!"

He had kept her legs up on his shoulders and just eased them back toward her body while he entered her, so her toes were pointing pretty much straight up in the air. Maybe it was her imagination or her highly aroused state, but it felt like he'd never plunged this deep inside before. She uttered a nonstop stream of moans and "ohh"s while he pumped away. The actual climax didn't elicit any extra moans, though; rather, her face froze -- her mouth open with no sound coming out. Like the speed of sound had been breached or something, stealing her voice -- and she had no idea if that even made sense, but that was the thought that popped into her blissed-out head!

"You like that angle," Joel concluded. He was still thrusting quickly, though it appeared he knew she was done (...and usually, this combination meant he was close to being done himself).

"Keep going," she urged him.

"For me or for you?"

"For you! You can finish!" She knew he wouldn't dare finish inside, but he was good at getting it pretty close. "Don't use your hand -- use me!" she giggled breathlessly. "It's only fair!"

But then Joel froze -- like, his entire body tensed up and came to an abrupt halt, mid-thrust.

Before she could ask him what was wrong/why did he stop -- a very familiar voice promptly provided the reason. Someone was standing in the doorway--

"What... in... the... HELL."

Shit--

Tommy!

~Continue to Chapter 35~

"Singularity" Chapter 33: "A Bird In Hand" [33/49]

2022-05-04T13:05:09Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 33: "A Bird In Hand" [33/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 10,937
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Tommy and Maria paused in the doorway, a hint of a frown on Maria's face... which Joel attributed more to concentration than displeasure. The woman had been racking her brain since he and Ellie had reported for babysitting duty twenty minutes ago. Now Joel was relaxing on the couch while Ellie tried to choose a DVD to watch. The baby was sleeping upstairs (and Joel secretly hoped he would sleep through this entire gig).

When date night ideas were getting tossed around, Ellie had latched on to the 'dinner and a movie' thing, and everyone had liked her version. She had just Jacksonized the dinner part: a picnic out by the lake. She even offered to go hunt down a picnic basket -- as in, borrow one off the set of the town play ("Who cares? Not like Dorothy needs it yet!") -- but they had settled on using Tommy's backpack instead. "Don't worry about anything!" Ellie assured Maria cheerfully. "We've got this! Go... before your dinner gets cold!"

"C'mon, babe," urged Tommy, his arm around Maria's shoulders to steer her onto the porch. "We covered everything. If anything unexpected comes up, they know where to find us."

Maria looked back at Joel. "Don't hesitate to come get us. Even if you're not sure if it's important enough. When in doubt..."

Joel waved her off. "That won't be necessary. I assure you, if one of the gates reports a breach, I'll take care of it myself before the town gets overrun by a horde of--"

"Joel!" Ellie scolded him -- she even strode over and whacked his arm for that.

But Maria laughed. "That, I'm sure you can handle."

Tommy grinned. "In fact, don't you dare interrupt us for trivial shit like that. If the little guy sneezes or somethin', though, that's serious enough to--"

Maria drowned out the rest of that by pulling the door shut behind them -- not before Joel caught her rolling her eyes at Tommy, though.

It wasn't even five seconds later that Ellie abandoned her movie selection task in favor of straddling Joel -- as if they were in their own damn house. "Don't 'Ellie' me," she warned him before he could say it. "If they come back, we're wrestling."

Yes, they'd worked that out already. Joel just didn't want to take such unnecessary risks -- especially after Ellie's little "our room" slip the other day. "That won't cut it if our hands are down each other's pants," he muttered, running his hands up and down her sides and across her back.

She gave him a giggly little kiss. "So it'll be like olden times -- no touching under our clothes!"

He nudged her sweatshirt up just enough to lightly graze her in one of her most ticklish spots. It had the desired effect of making her get the hell off of him in a hurry (and he never tired of hearing that adorable little squeal, either).

"I said not under our clothes!" she laughed, recoiling into the opposite corner of the couch.

"Whoops, guess I got confused. -Seriously, Ellie... Maria could come rushin' right back through there any second, if she remembers somethin' else to tell us."

Ellie sobered quickly. "Okay, seriously-seriously: what if there is a breach? I know you were just messing with them, but it could happen, right?"

"It ain't gonna happen." It hadn't happened in all the time they'd been living in Jackson, after all.

"But it could."

"In theory, sure." He was surprised she actually seemed a little worried about it now. "Hey, who's the one who insisted they leave their walkie talkies here an' not worry about a thing?"

"Me," she grumbled. "But I wasn't thinking about that."

True -- she had just asked them if they were expecting to get a call about anything, and they had said no. The day's business was over with. The gates wouldn't call at this hour unless something unusual happened... and even then, it would likely be some scheduling or staffing mishap, not a true emergency. Joel was sure he could handle whatever might come up, so he hadn't objected when Ellie volunteered them to take over being 'on call.' In fact, he thought it was awfully sweet of her to suggest it -- especially after neither Tommy nor Maria could recall the last time they'd been together without being in possession of even a single walkie talkie. It was possible it had never happened.

So in essence, Joel and Ellie were babysitting the town as well as little Grayson. Of the two devices sitting on the coffee table, Joel expected more activity to come from the baby monitor. Ellie will forget all about this as soon as the baby cries-- "If anything bad happens, I'd just follow the protocol," he told her confidently. "That's what we have monthly militia meetings for. To go over shit like that."

"But you haven't been to a meeting since we got back!"

Also true -- because they had arrived after the first Wednesday of the month. "Well, I reckon it hasn't changed much. The phone tree has, with all the newcomers, but there's a copy of it in the desk over there." Without actual phones and without knowing where everyone would be at the time, though, there would most likely have to be some degree of improvisation.

Ellie snorted. "Such a dumb name. It doesn't involve phones or trees." She stretched out enough to poke him with her socked foot. "If something happened, one of us would be stuck here with Grayson, huh."

"Not one of us -- it would be you," he chuckled. He certainly wasn't going to sit on his ass if there was an emergency like that. But it would be nice to know that Ellie was safe while shit went--

"Fuck that! I think Maria and Tommy would understand why we had to leave him here alone."

"Uh, no -- 'cause we wouldn't have to. And you never leave a little kid alone in the house, for any reason."

"Says you! He'd be perfectly safe in his crib. He can't climb out of it. He can't even crawl yet. You're just hanging onto your old-world views again. I'm not talking about ignoring him for no reason or whatever -- I mean for an emergency situation."

"I don't care. You let the militia do their job."

"I should fucking be in the militia!"

Joel sighed. "You really wanna argue about this again? You're too young. End of--"

"Fine -- I'd go drop him off with Chelsea, then! She's not in it, either, and I know they trust her with him!"

So much for knowing Ellie's safe... But he really couldn't imagine her sitting around doing nothing during a raid, either -- so at least she had come up with an acceptable solution. "In that case, you could help out with the phone tree part while I go kill whoever needs killin' an' the whole thing would be done before anyone else even gets there."

"Pfff. Fuck that, too -- you already know I'd be going with you. Who cares about the stupid fake tree?"

"It ain't stupid if you're runnin' a town and you're responsible for the safety of everyone in it." If shit really did hit the fan, though, Joel would rather know exactly where she was... which means she needs to be with me. He rubbed her foot absently. "I reckon we could get someone else to start workin' it, though. ...You need new socks, kiddo."

She yanked her foot back. "You were gonna tickle through the holes!" she accused him.

"Why does that sound like somethin' dirty?" he smirked.

"Ha!" She turned herself around and started crawling towards him. "I could make it into something--"

"Oh no you don't. That was not an invitation." His hand on her shoulder kept her at arm's length.

"Aww, you're no fun," she pouted.

"Hey, I ain't the one who invited Clicker over to help him rehearse," he reminded her. Tommy and Maria had okayed it, as long as they made sure he washed his hands before touching the baby. "He's already caught us once."

"Yeah, and we talked our way out of it!"

"Not entirely. He was still suspicious."

"Well, he's not gonna just burst through the door. He'll knock first. And you'll hear him coming from a mile away anyways. I'm not worried!" But she slumped back down where she was rather than try to drape herself over Joel. "Besides, he might not even be coming. I just told him he could if he wanted."

"When has that boy ever turned down a chance to spend time with you?" Joel pointed out.

"Okay, so he's prob'ly coming," she sighed. "Don't look at me like that! I already told you -- I can't be mean to him."

"You don't have to be mean, just... a lil' more distant. Why can't that little girl help him with his lines?"

"Because. Alyssa has attitude about it cuz she tried out for Dorothy. 'Tried out' is like when you try to get--"

"I know what try outs are," Joel chuckled. And even if he didn't, he could've picked it up in context.

"Well, excuse me -- anyways, she tried out and didn't get it. Didn't even get understudy. ...Do you know what that is, too?"

"Someone who learns a role so they can step in if the real person gets sick or somethin'."

Ellie seemed partly annoyed, partly impressed. "How do you know this shit?"

"I'm sure all of us old fogeys remember it from the dinosaur age," he quipped. Not that he'd taken part in school plays much himself. He remembered Sarah being involved in some when she was little, but she'd always gravitated more towards athletics than the arts.

"Whatever. Okay so she didn't get the part, and instead, she's just a munchkin. Everyone knows that the munchkins are just -- like, any kid who wanted to be in the play but didn't get a part is a munchkin. They basically have no talent."

That casting decision made sense to Joel, but he didn't think it was the most charitable assessment. "You don' know that. Maybe they weren't right for the roles available... maybe they had a bad day and didn't perform as well as they could have... maybe the person runnin' the auditions plays favorites... hell, even if everyone else was better than them, it don't mean that they have absolutely no--"

"Okayyyyyy," Ellie groaned. "I get it! Fuck."

He reached over and tugged her in close, right up against his side, and kissed the top of her head. "You think very black'n'white sometimes."

"It's not me! I heard that from multiple people!"

"Other kids, I presume?"

"Well, yeah... there's hardly any grown-ups in it. ...I don't know what they did with the adults who tried out and didn't get a part. They're too big to be munchkins!"

"Some of the kids are, too, if you're goin' by the movie. I reckon they figured the adults could handle the rejection better. They weren't gonna give any of the major roles to the adults anyhow, were they? Ain't this mostly for the kids?" Despite this second event being re-branded the 'town' play.

Ellie pondered this. "I mean... I guess? But what about me? I would've liked to have a part -- a real part, not a fucking munchkin -- but I'm more of an adult than a kid. Would I be allowed to--"

"You should definitely get a part. I'm thinkin' more like... thirty-, forty-, fifty-year-olds. It's fine if they like theatre and wanna be involved and all... maybe have a bit part, if they like to act... but if I'm watchin' the thing, I don't wanna see some... old person playin' Dorothy, or any of those main parts. This ain't Broadway. I wanna see the Clickers an' the Alyssas doin' that stuff."

"And the Ellies," she added with a grin.

"Of course. That goes without sayin'."

"Do you think I would've got a part if I tried out? Maybe not Dorothy, but like... a part? Like one of the witches, maybe!"

"You would be the cutest Dorothy there ever was," Joel declared.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, cuz you're not biased or anything. Seriously! Do you think I could do it? Maybe I could steal your part -- ha! -- and be Toto. He's cute. And a girl can play him cuz a girl played him in the movie! Did you know that? It was a girl dog, though, not a girl human, obviously."

"Tch. You're good for more than followin' Dorothy around lookin' cute. You need a part where you can sing. ...Not to mention talk. You're good at both of those."

"Ha. Doesn't matter -- we're like a month too late. Brandy said they're gonna keep doing plays, though. I can try out for the next one in the fall. And she said maybe I can help decide which one we should do! Although I think she was prob'ly just being nice. But if she's not -- if she meant it -- you can help me. Yeah! -- and we can pick one where you could have a role, too!"

"Me?" Joel had zero interest in--

"Yes!" She clutched his arm excitedly. "We could pick one with a love story! So you could be the dude and I could be the chick and -- ha, it would be awesome -- we could kiss in front of the whole town -- it would be part of the script and everything! So obviously not bad -- and then like, everyone will see how perfect we--"

"Whoa whoa whoa... what fantasy world are you livin' in, kiddo?" He mussed her hair. "Who in their right mind would cast a teenager and an old--"

"A smart person would -- because we have chemistry! Like, amaaaazing fucking chemistry."

"We do, do we?" He couldn't remember her ever using that term -- and for some reason, he didn't think she would know what it meant, romantically-speaking.

"Of course! Then everyone would know how great we are together and we wouldn't have to--" She gasped. "Oh my God -- I've got it! We can do Romeo and Juliet! Yes! That's one on the list that I've actually heard of -- and it's romantic as fuck! We could--"

Joel cut her off with hearty laugh. "Like I said: fantasy world."

"No way -- it's perfect!" she squealed.

"Perfect? No no, see... first of all, I can't act."

"Pfff. Sure you can! You can lie -- therefore, you can act. Both of us are good at that -- we have the whole town fooled, don't we? And you're a singer, so you know how to memorize lines already!"

Even though the idea was completely ridiculous, Joel was enjoying her excitement over it all the same. He didn't even bother to point out that he had never actually become a real singer. "Fine -- by your criteria, I can act. We have an even bigger problem: Romeo's a teenager."

She waved that off, too. "So what? There's kids playing adults in Oz, so why can't adults play kids? That's why it's called acting! It's all lies anyways! You used to be a teenager... a million years ago... if you don't remember how to act like one, I can help you!" Punctuated with a cheeky grin.

"All right, Miss Smartypants. What about the fact that there are... at least a couple dozen much better candidates for Romeo? Twice that, if they're willin' to cast a girl."

"I told you -- chemistry! It's important! I'm sure they could overlook you being a teensy bit old when they see how good we are together! Oh -- you'd prob'ly have to shave your face, though. Teenagers don't have all these whiskers!" She grabbed his face and squeezed his cheeks rather roughly. "But man, I would miss the fuck out of them... and you would look really, really weird with no facial hair. No offense."

"That's that, then -- I'm out. Have fun with your Romeo." He plucked her hands off of his face.

"Joel! I can't be Juliet if you're not Romeo! There'd be no chemistry!"

"You can fake it. Actors did it all the time, back when all these movies were made. I have faith in you."

She snickered knowingly. "You'd be too jealous. You'd never let me do it."

"Why wouldn't I? It's innocent enough... now, if they decide to add a sex scene... that's where I draw the line," he teased.

Ellie giggled. "Oh yeah, I'm sure there's a good chance they'd do that. Cuz this town's not full of fucking prudes or anything. I'd have to take my clothes off... wait, what about my arm? What if..."

"Most girls would be shy about other parts of their bodies bein' exposed, but--"

"You know why!" She shoved him again. "What would we do? I mean in general -- just -- if I'd have to wear short sleeves or something."

"Well... I reckon we could talk to the costume person and explain that... you're real self-conscious about your arm for some reason. Like you've got a real ugly scar you wanna hide. Long sleeves shouldn't be a problem." Assuming they don't get all gung ho about fittings...

"Okay. Ugh, but people really did have to get naked, huh -- at least partially? Any movie that has a sex part... the actors had to kiss and touch each other, and maybe they don't even like each other cuz they're just pretending -- and they had to do it in front of a whole bunch of people, right? The other actors... the person with the camera... there's someone in charge of just doing the lighting, too, in this play -- did you know that? And sound effects... there's so much that goes into it. -Oh!" She looked excited again. "You can be a... what-do-you-call-it... the person who makes the different parts of the scenes?"

"...A set designer?"

"Oh, that sounds good! Yeah, you can do that. That way you can keep your beard! So what would I do... I could help you make the stuff pretty. Like the artsy part of it."

"You don't gotta help me -- you're still Juliet, ain'tcha? I'd make sure your Romeo stays in line. That could be my job."

"Ha! I don't think so," she giggled. "Nice try."

"Why not? I think I'd be real good at it." He tried to sound offended.

"No way. You'd make him shit his pants! Gross! I can't work with someone with shitty pants. See, that's why you should be Romeo," she pouted, poking him in the belly on the 'you.'

"How 'bout you try out for whatever part in whatever play comes next... and I'll just cheer you on. I'll go to all the shows an' watch you knock everyone's socks off with your... brilliant performance. And if you ain't playin' the lead... I am sure you'll steal the show." This was one scenario Joel could imagine happening for real. Easily.

"Uh... how would I steal it? It's not an actual thing..."

Joel chuckled. "It just means you'll be the best."

"...What does that have to do with stealing?"

"Plenty. Take this play: the girl who plays Dorothy is gonna be in just about every single scene, right? Should be the best actress of the bunch. But Clicker's a funny little dude... his Scarecrow performance will prob'ly make everyone laugh, and when they're all takin' their bows at the end, he might get more applause than Dorothy. But he ain't supposed to, see, so he'd be stealin' the show. Stealin' all the praise, I guess is where that comes from?"

"Huh. Weird. So it's not the best, really -- it's the funniest?"

"I don' know... just anyone who wows the crowd so much that they get extra applause... extra buzz... extra praise in the reviews, all that." Even if the 'reviews' consisted of a blurb in the little one-page monthly newsletter. Presumably in the section where they reviewed movies that came out forty years ago and such. "Anyway... I'm jus' sayin'. We don't gotta do everything together. You can do your play an' tell me all about it."

"I know we don't have to... I just want to cuz I like sharing stuff with you."

"You can still share it with me, by tellin' me about rehearsals an' whatnot."

"That's not the same as you being there. Sometimes you just have to be there to understand. ...Like, have you tried to tell anyone about the ghosts, and that freaky time warp shit?! No one gets it."

"We did tell Tommy and Maria." He hadn't told anyone else; it just wasn't a subject that was likely to pop up in everyday conversation.

"Yeah -- and they didn't get it! They were like... 'oookaaaayyyy you guys, what were you smoking out there?' "

Joel laughed. "No they weren't."

"Maybe not literally, but you saw the looks on their faces! I mean after we finally convinced them we weren't just playing a prank on them."

He wasn't sure they'd been fully convinced... more like, Tommy and Maria had given up on trying to get them to give up the 'gag.' He gave her a squeeze. "I promise if you have any supernatural experiences at your rehearsals, I will believe every word you say."

"Awesome. But seriously, Joel... if we needed like... steps built, or something like that. You could do that, right? I mean... why not?"

"Anyone can do that."

"Not anyone. If I tried, they'd be all like... wonky and lop-sided... or a board would come loose and the star of the show would fall and break their ankle or something!"

"Should be their leg they're breakin', if it's a show." He just couldn't resist.

"That's even worse!" she cried.

"You're exaggeratin' -- but, fine, not just anyone... it just don't necessarily have to be me, is all I'm sayin'. You can do stuff without me."

"I do! All the time! But this is big! It takes up a lot of time, and everyone works really hard and they like... bond, and stuff..."

He chuckled. "I think you'n'me are bonded pretty good already. Don't you?"

"...I guess? But for the past few months we did practically everything together. And now it's less... it'll be even more less when we get on the schedule again, for work..."

"More less? That's a new one," he teased.

"I just don't want it to get to the point where we never see each other."

Aww. "We're a long way off from that. And the important thing is we still talk... share things about our days... stay connected." He leaned his forehead against hers. "We go to bed together every night..."

"We don't have sex every night, though," she pointed out.

He gave her a chaste little kiss. "That don' matter. We're still together. Bein'... close, like this. That's what matters. ...Unless..."

"Unless what?" she fretted.

"Are you tryin' to tell me... you wish we did it more? It ain't enough for you?"

"No! It's enough. I'm good. I know you're old...er. And sometimes I'm tired, too, you know."

Joel was surprised they hadn't had more issues on that front, given his age. He had figured it would help matters if he didn't masturbate, so he pretty much only did that when Ellie was on her period. And not even then, while they'd been on the road; sex had taken a backseat, with his brain basically rewired to survival mode. Although things did get pretty hot out there sometimes... "I'm just trustin' you to let me know if I ain't doin' my job... keepin' my baby girl happy."

She smiled. "Your baby girl is very happy. And she'll be even happier if you--"

He arrested her hand before it did something naughty. "I didn' mean right this minute. Why don't you go finish pickin' out a movie for us to watch." Since they couldn't count on Grayson staying blissfully unconscious the whole night, and Clicker was most likely going to show up at some point -- "Nothin' heavy, now. Jus' some dumb comedy. Or a superhero movie maybe."

She dutifully returned to the bookshelf of DVDs. "Not all comedies are dumb, you know. I've caught you laughing sometimes."

"I laugh because they're so dumb."

"Whatever... hmmm, maybe one of these romance ones... romcom, that's what they're called..." She glanced back at him, smiling devilishly.

Joel groaned. "Be merciful. Please. No chick flicks."

She continued to peruse the shelves. "You like some of those, too, you just won't admit it! But... yeah, they can be suuuuper cheesy."

He would never pick out one of those to watch, if given the choice, but he did actually enjoy watching them with Ellie sometimes. (And she was right -- he would never admit it out loud.) Tonight was actually a rare opportunity to watch a movie alone, just him and Ellie; normally, either Tommy and/or Maria joined them here at the house, or they were at the library, watching with a larger group. Though we might not be alone for long... "Think about Clicker," he reminded her. "I'm sure he don't wanna watch some mushy--"

"Oh! I got it! I am thinking about Clicker -- they have the Firefly movie! He loves it!"

Joel's eyebrows shot up. "Firefly movie? Uh..."

"Not those Fireflies, silly -- remember I told you it's a TV show?" She held up the DVD case for him to see -- and it was a title Joel didn't recognize, or perhaps had forgotten. "So funny that I have to tell you about a TV show that was totally from your time."

"What year did you say it was from?"

"Um... I think it was 2002 or 2003? Something like that."

"Only shows I knew about back then had blue dogs in 'em... or purple dinosaurs..."

"And creepy-as-fuck alien things with TVs in their tummies! That were so creepy you wouldn't let Sarah watch! Aww, poor little Sarah... deprived of her favorite cartoon cuz her daddy was so mean..."

"It wasn't her favorite." He had made sure of that by not letting her watch it... pretty much ever. Granted, it had been difficult to find something pleasing to both of them when she was that young. "So is this a TV show or a movie?"

"It's both! This right here is the movie, though. I don't think they have the show."

And Joel would bet the library had multiple copies of this movie already; Tommy and Maria certainly weren't the type to hoard what they could easily afford to share. "Do we have to know anything about the show to understand the movie?"

"Um... I dunno?"

"Well, which one came first?"

"I don't remember. He prob'ly told me and I just forgot. He says a lot of stuff. Like, really fast sometimes."

Joel could sympathize. "What year does it say on the case?"

"Oh! Right -- ummmmmm.... 2005. So, after the show."

"All right, well, you can tell me what you know about the characters an' the plot and all that."

"Which is... basically nothing. -Okay, literally nothing. He used to bug me to watch it with him but we'd always end up gaming if we got a free TV. It's okay, though -- I'm sure the movie will explain whatever we need to know, right? And who really cares -- it's just a cover story anyways." She turned on the DVD player and inserted the disc.

"A cover story?"

"Yeah -- you know. To cover up for the fact that we're pretty much going to sit here and make out all night? Ohhhh yeah hey this movie is actually perfect for that!" She twisted her head around enough to grin at him.

"How so?" he humored her.

"Cuz if Tommy and Maria ask us for our opinion on the movie, and like... we don't know anything that happened cuz we weren't paying attention? We can just say we were confused cuz we've never seen the show! See? Perfect!"

She's so goddamn adorable, Joel couldn't help thinking. Although he wasn't going to go along with her little game. "I see. One problem with that -- we are not gonna be makin' out all night. Or at all. Especially if Clicker comes over."

"Not actual sex -- just making out," she pouted.

"We ain't doin' any of that. So if that's the only reason you invited me over..." He smirked at her.

"Well, it's the main reason," she giggled. "But I guess you can just... keep me warm. Yeah! You're good at that, too."

He allowed her to snuggle up to his side the way she usually did at family movie night. As far as whether or not she should do so when Clicker arrived... he gave the matter only a fleeting thought before deciding he would just leave that up to her. If she wasn't of a mind to protect the boy from painful realities, then maybe Clicker would just have to learn to protect himself. Hell -- maybe dad-snuggling wouldn't even invoke any sense of longing... rejection... whatever. Maybe it's just me... Joel knew that if he were in Clicker's shoes, he certainly wouldn't want to watch Ellie give affection to some other man that she was unwilling to give to him, no matter how innocent it was.

They kept the TV volume at slightly lower-than-normal range (Grayson would sleep through most TV noise, but Joel knew DVD sound could vary greatly from scene to scene, and didn't want to risk startling him awake), so he did happen to hear Clicker approaching -- just before the soft rapping on the door announced the boy's arrival, about half an hour in. Ellie hit the pause button on the remote and bounced over to greet--

Or, she started to. She stopped short... took a step back, even, to grab hold of the back of the couch. "Whoa..."

"Ellie?" Joel got up swiftly and put his arm around her shoulders, alarmed at how pale she suddenly looked. "You okay?"

"I just... got up too fast, I guess. Got dizzy for a sec. I'm okay, though. Gotta get the door..." She started to move toward the door again.

But Joel kept his arm around her. "I'll get it. You jus' sit back down."

"No -- really -- I'm okay now." She took a few steps away from him and turned around with a little flourish. "See? Didn't pass out. Go sit -- I'll be right back!"

The color had returned to her face as well, so... I guess she's fine. ...But still-- "Let me--"

"No! Sit! Jeez -- it was one second. Haven't you ever stood up too fast before? -I know you have. I've seen it. Go!"

More rapping on the door, a little louder this time. Joel obligingly sat back down... and stuffed the flurry of unwanted images and thoughts back into the Sacramento box in his head. She wasn't THAT pale, just now...

She didn't pass out on the way back over with Clicker in tow, either. Joel watched the two of them approach the couch -- and decided that they were indeed just about the same height now.

"Are you sure it's cool?" Clicker was asking her. "Hey, Mr. Joel. -Aww, man, you're watching Serenity!" He plopped down right next to Joel, depositing a folder on the table. "Okay if I sit here? You can keep watching it! We don't have to--"

"No no no, it's okay," Ellie cut in as she sat on the opposite end of the couch. "Wait -- you recognize it just from that?!" The paused scene didn't even have any characters in it.

So the kid's in the middle... didn't see that coming. Joel had just assumed Clicker would take the love seat.

"Yeah. They're going to see Mr. Universe right there!" Clicker stated (correctly). "But also -- the case on the table was kind of a big hint, dude."

"Oh! Right. Anyways, we only put it on cuz the little dude's still sleeping and... I mean, what else were we gonna do while we waited for you, right?" She was quite obviously suppressing a smirk or a snicker at that.

"Trust me, Ellie is much more interested in your play than anything else," Joel told him. "That's all she's been talkin' about all night."

"No shit?" Clicker was clearly pleased to hear this (and Joel could've kicked himself for possibly giving him false hope).

Ellie rolled her eyes. "If by 'all night,' you mean like, five minutes? But yeah -- I wanna help you with your lines and stuff! Besides, it'll be a good learning experience for me, for the next one. You guys have already done two -- and I've done zero, so I have to catch up!"

Joel leaned over to stage-whisper to the boy. "Don't tell anyone, but she's got her heart set on bein' Juliet."

"Fuck you! I do not!" Ellie cried. She scooted in and tried to reach around Clicker to punch Joel's arm, but Joel stayed just out of her reach, and the remark apparently wasn't worth it to her to get up and walk all the way around the coffee table.

"You might not wanna sit there after all, son," Joel advised a very amused Clicker. "Though I appreciate you actin' as my human shield, if you stay. She'll go easy on you."

Clicker grinned and puffed his chest up. "Have no fear -- I'll protect you, Mr. Joel!" he declared gallantly.

Ellie elbowed the kid. "Dude -- homie! -- you and me are supposed to gang up on him!"

Clicker giggled. "Ummmm... ...yeah, sorry, Juliet, but he needs me more than--"

"Don't fucking call me that!" Instead of hitting the boy, she shoved him.

"See, I knew she'd go easier on you," Joel remarked... and he was relieved to see Ellie continuing to act perfectly normal after her little dizzy spell.

"Yeah -- too easy," Clicker lamented. "You don't have to give me the girl treatment."

"Ohhh, you're askin' for it now," Joel muttered.

"You want me to hit you?" Ellie smirked. "You shouldn't. Ask Joel how hard I hit! I've left bruises on him before."

Indeed she had. Although scratch marks are more her style...

"I know how hard you hit," Clicker smirked back. "When you give me the boy treatment, like you used to!"

Ellie scoffed. "Pfff -- I hit Joel much harder than that. ...Yeah, I wouldn't do that to you. You might be too tempted to hit back. But Joel? He'll just sit there and take it forever. Won't you, Joel!" Said with a shit-eating grin, even.

"So he gets the man treatment, huh?" Clicker mused.

"Haha... I guess so, yeah... -no, actually, it's the Joel treatment, cuz I can't think of anyone else I do it to..."

"I don't just... 'sit there an' take it forever,' " Joel protested. "I... let you get it out of your system, 'cause I'm nice like that, then I--"

"You? Nice? Ha!" Ellie scoffed. She looked at Clicker. "Dude, if I hit him, it's cuz he's being a dick and he deserves it. Sometimes he does it on purpose... and sometimes he just can't help himself."

Clicker giggled. "But you've never bashed in his nose, have you?"

"Not yet, she hasn't." Joel tried to sound nervous or fearful (and it earned him an Ellie-giggle).

"Christine's a girl, and you didn't even give her the girl treatment," Clicker pointed out.

"That bitch is not even a-- she gets the cunt treatment!" Ellie huffed.

Joel chuckled at that. "Ellie offers... individualized treatment plans. She caters to the needs and abilities of each... client." Infomercial type humor couldn't really hit the mark properly with kids today, of course... but they still had a giggle over it.

Clicker sighed over-dramatically. "Kinda sucks that she's a girl, right? She gets to do whatever she wants to us and like... never suffers any consequences."

"Ain't that the truth," Joel commiserated. "Things would be a hell of a lot easier if she was a boy. Much less drama, for one -- ow!" He pretended the little pillow bouncing off his head actually hurt. "Hey, those throw pillows ain't actually for throwin'..."

"That's exactly what they're for!" Ellie laughed. "...However..."

"Ahhhh -- shit -- stop!" Clicker got into a little tug-of-war with Ellie over the larger pillow she'd apparently been planning to assault Joel with next.

"Be careful with that -- don't rip it," Joel warned them. Am I babysitting THREE kids now?

"I won't -- hey, give it! --"

Joel scooched as far back as he could to let them battle it out fair and square; he couldn't tell if Clicker actually won or if Ellie just decided to let go, in the end.

"You guys are dumbasses," she snickered as she settled back into the other corner and Clicker tucked the pillow behind himself. "There's no law that says you can't hit back. Like... I get it if you don't wanna hit super hard? But--"

"No way, dude -- you say that, but you'd get all pissy if it actually hurt," said Clicker.

Ellie fixed him with a look. "Don't you remember the water balloons? At 4th of July? The other girls were whining that those things hurt -- not me! I remember you throwing them pretty fucking hard, too. I got drenched. Remember, Joel?"

Joel actually hadn't seen Ellie much at that party, as they'd been... estranged at the time, albeit briefly. At least that had given her a chance to hang out with the younger crowd. "Your jeans were all wet for a loooong time after," Joel agreed-- aww, look at that -- she's blushing!

He had been so angry about her behavior later that night... yet she had somehow charmed her way past that and made him laugh... even made him want to be sweet to her in ways he couldn't be at the time, because their relationship was still platonic -- and would always remain platonic, as far as he knew. If only he'd known how quickly that would change... Damn, I had so much RESTRAINT back then... where the hell did that go?

"Alyssa was one of the whiny girls, wasn't she!" Ellie remembered (she was quite skilled at deflecting, or diverting attention away from where she didn't want it). Essentially she was passing the blushing on to Clicker...

...who immediately got a bit squirmy at the mention of his girlfriend. Or ex-girlfriend... whatever she was. "Yeah. Jeez, that feels like it was years ago, doesn't it?"

"It totally does," Ellie agreed -- because she said that anything prior to her and Joel becoming a couple felt like years ago to her. "So does she still whine if you hit her?"

"Yes!" he groaned. "I mean, I don't hit her, like... not in a real way..."

"Just horsin' around?" Joel supplied.

"Uh-huhhhh," Ellie said knowingly.

"No uhhhhh-huhhhhhh," Clicker drawled (and Joel could imagine the look he was giving Ellie right now). "How many times do I have to tell you she's not my freaking girlfriend?!"

"Ohhhh at least ten more times, maybe?" Ellie teased. "What's the big deal? You guys are so cute together!"

Joel clapped his hand on the boy's shoulder. "You're in luck, kid -- you're about to be saved by the bell."

"What bell?" asked Ellie.

"Yeah, what bell?" Clicker echoed.

The 'parent unit' on the coffee table started transmitting a whimpering noise. Ellie and Clicker both turned to look at the screen.

"Oh jeez I only just now noticed there's a little TV on that thing!" Clicker exclaimed.

Ellie leaned over and picked it up at the precise moment the baby's whimpers evolved into a full-on cry. "Whoa, that was freaky! Did you see him wake up, Joel? Is that why you said that about a bell?"

"Saved by a cry, more like." Clicker took a closer look as well. "It's kinda dark in there -- does this thing have night vision?"

"Prob'ly have to pay extra for that," Joel joked. He'd never even had a baby monitor for Sarah; that first apartment had been so tiny that they hadn't needed one. "Ellie, go ahead an' tell him you're comin' up."

Ellie had talked through the thing once or twice before, yet was still oddly shy about it. She hit the talk button. "Hey, little dude... don't worry, Auntie Ellie's gonna come get you and... try to feed you but then prob'ly have to hand you off to Uncle Joel!" She let go of the button. "Aww, look -- he's quiet now, like he was listening to me!"

"That's the idea," Joel replied.

But Grayson started crying again after a couple seconds of silence. Ellie handed the unit to Clicker. "Wanna talk to him while I go make his bottle? Joel -- come with me!"

Clicker happily complied. "This button here? ...Okay... Hiiiii there, um... what's his name again? ...Grayson! Hi, Grayson! It's Clicker. We met one time but in case you don't remember me, don't freak out -- that's not my real name. I don't actually go around eating people and stuff--"

Joel stood up and looked at Ellie while Clicker chattered to the baby. "Why don't you go up an' get him while Clicker'n'me make the bottle? You can go sit in that chair that he likes an' we'll bring it up to you."

"Roger that!" Clicker must have registered his suggestion through the mindless baby babble. "Later, dude -- Clicker over and out!" He set the unit back on the table.

Ellie looked slightly panicked. "Joel, no... what if he peed?!"

"He prob'ly did," Joel replied, amused at her dismay over the prospect. "But Maria said she changed him right before he went down so I think he can make it through dinner."

"And she did say he prob'ly wouldn't poop 'til after, except sometimes he doesn't even do it then," Ellie recited. "So we can change him after? In case he does?"

"Sounds like a plan." He picked up the monitor. "I'll bring this with me so you can call me if you get up there an' find... I don' know..."

"The walls covered with a mysterious green slime," Clicker supplied menacingly. "And the baby's eyes are like purple... -no, RED..."

"Dude, fuck off with that shit!" Ellie shoved Clicker again. "I'm going!"

"Wash your hands first!" Joel reminded her as she bounded up the stairs (...again, moving perfectly normal-like... he just needed to cast off that one second as no big deal). He washed his own in the kitchen sink, then had Clicker follow suit while Joel nuked a bowl of water.

"It's so much better cold," Clicker said, wrinkling his nose at the bottle. "Er... regular milk, I mean. I guess when I was a baby, I liked it warm, too?"

"I'm sure. Some prob'ly don't mind it cold, but this one ain't used to gettin' bottles." Joel removed the bowl from the microwave and placed the bottle in it to warm. "Now we let it sit for a few minutes."

Clicker looked at him dubiously. "Um, no disrespect, Mr. Joel, but wouldn't it be faster to just microwave the bottle?"

"Faster, sure, but not safer," Joel explained. "Microwaves don't heat real evenly. Might be a hot part that burns his mouth, see."

"You... really don't need my help with this," Clicker observed dryly.

"No, but I thought it would give us a chance to talk for a minute. Man to man."

Clicker's eyes widened. "Uhhhh... except I have my dad for that?"

Joel chuckled. "Just give it to me straight: what is the deal with you an' this... Alyssa girl. You like her?"

Clicker squirmed. "Sometimes, I guess? When she's not being annoying."

Joel nodded. "And you think she's pretty. You like her... in a more-than-friends way, yeah?" ...He ain't NEARLY as cute as Ellie at this blushing thing, but I'd say he's a distant second...

"I dunno... not really...? Do we have to talk about this?"

Joel decided to ignore the question. "The way I understand it, you liked her just fine before Ellie got back in town. Is that right?"

"No!" He frowned at the monitor. "She can't hear us, can she?"

"Not through there, no. Even if the baby wasn't fussin' so much, she can't hear unless we hit the button. So you can... speak freely." Joel hoped Ellie remained mindful of the fact that they would be able to hear her, though.

The kid still seemed a little scared. "Look, I'm not like... trying to be with Ellie, or anything like that," he replied softly. "You don't have to worry. I'm like a kid brother to her."

"I ain't worried about that." I'm amused as hell that you thought I MIGHT be, though... "More concerned for you. Afraid you might be throwin' away somethin' good for no good reason."

"I'm not!" Clicker protested.

Joel was getting the same defensive vibe off Clicker that he got off of Ellie sometimes when she was lying about her feelings. "You ever heard the expression 'a bird in hand is worth two in the bush'? That's what comes to mind here."

"I never heard that before. What does it mean?"

"Well... Alyssa's the bird in your hand. But you see two in the bush an' you think to yourself... two's better than one... even though you've already got the one, see, but then you let it go to get the two in the bush... which you ain't ever gonna get, so then you end up with no birds at all."

Clicker mulled this over for a moment. "Who says I'd never get the two? That's not part of the thingie you said."

"Uh... it's just implied that you're never gonna get the two. You ever try to catch a bird in a bush?"

"No. Have you?"

"...No... but... just... it's damn near impossible, is the point."

"Okay... so you think Ellie is two birds? She's just one person."

He is just as bad as Ellie when it comes to taking shit literally-- "It jus' sounds better to say it with two. 'Cause havin' two of somethin' is usually considered better than havin' one. Generally speakin'. ...I'm crap at explainin' it, but do you understand what I'm sayin'?"

"...I think so. But the other part of it -- you're saying Alyssa is... worth more than Ellie? That's kinda mean to say. Ellie's like my best friend. I actually have more in common with her than--"

"Not 'worth more' as in... actual worth as a person, or anything like that..." As far as Joel was concerned, Ellie was worth more than everyone else on the planet combined, but it wouldn't do Clicker any good to think that way. Joel sighed. "Never mind. Just... give Alyssa a chance, all right? Maybe... don't hang around Ellie so much, and you'll find that--"

"If you want me to leave, just tell me!" Clicker mock groaned.

"No, you can stay," Joel chuckled. "I mean in general. If bein' around her is... interferin' with you and--"

"Dude -- Mr. Joel -- no offense? But I'm pretty sure Ellie would tell me if she didn't want me around. Maybe not in words, but like... she'd be too busy to hang out, or blow off gaming or something... she's done that before. But she's been cool about stuff lately. And I told you, I would never... you know... ...uh... never try to like... do stuff... with her..."

"I know, son. I know." Joel suspected Clicker very much wanted to do stuff with Ellie... the poor kid just also happened to be scared shitless by the idea. He seems to get that Ellie does NOT return those feelings...

"But you still... don't want me around her for some reason?"

"Not because of that -- again, I'm thinkin' of you. I hate to see you wastin' your time when she--"

"I'm not wasting my time. She's my friend!" Clicker was practically glowering at him now.

"Right, well... I also know that... it hurts, bein' around someone you can't... who don't feel the same way as you. It's... torture, is what it is. I just want you to be happy. We both do."

"I am! I swear! I'm so happy she's back. For real."

"All right then. Just makin' sure." He wasn't going to keep harping on the idea; he just hoped the kid would take the time later to think on what he'd said.

"Hellooooo? What are you guys DOING down there? Hungry infant up here!"

They'd only been in the kitchen a few minutes. Joel glanced at Clicker and chuckled. "Patience ain't exactly her strong suit. But, to be fair, newborns have no patience whatsoever, so..." He pressed the 'talk' button. "We're havin' a very important discussion about birdwatchin'. Be up in a minute."

Clicker gasped when Joel let go of the button. "You're not gonna tell her, are you?!"

"Did I hear that right -- BIRDWATCHING? What the fuck do you even know about birdwatching? ...Sorry -- what the HECK do you know about it?"

"She's tryin' to get in the habit of not cussin' around the little one," Joel explained to Clicker. "He's too little to understand right now, but he won't be for long. To answer your question... no, we don't have to tell her a goddamn thing. It's fun to just let her wonder sometimes."

Clicker giggled softly. "She hates that. No wonder she's always mad at you."

"Maybe the better question is, since when do you CARE about birdwatching? ... ... ... ... ...Hello?"

"She also hates bein' ignored," Joel said sagely. He swirled the bottle around in the water a little; it could probably use a little more time, but if the baby was as hungry as his wailing would suggest, it was likely warm enough to get the job done.

Clicker pressed the button this time. "It's really hard to hear you over all that crying. We'll just talk to you when we come up, 'kay?" He snickered at Joel, who gave him a thumbs up.

"Well, hurry the fuck up, then! Grayson thinks I'm a fucking idiot cuz I don't seem to GET that he's fucking HUNGRY!"

Joel looked at Clicker. "Who do you reckon is more pissed off -- Ellie, or Grayson?" Then he pressed the button to say just one word, inflecting it with as much patronization as possible: "Language."

Clicker grinned. "After that? Definitely Ellie."

* * * * * * *

True to form, Ellie didn't stay pissed off for long. She and Grayson both cooled off once they got what they wanted.

Presently, the three of them were snuggling on the couch. Clicker had just gone home, after a brief rehearsal session followed by watching the rest of the movie with them, so Ellie was now in full-blown cuddle mode, curled into the crook of Joel's arm with her legs draped over his lap and the baby nestled in her arms. Grayson had kindly refrained from having any significant diaper explosion on them, and Ellie had been adorable as hell in her demonstration of how to change a little boy's diaper without getting peed on. The baby was now fast asleep; Joel had attempted more than once to extract him from her and go lay him down in his crib, but Ellie insisted that such a move was "too risky" -- as in, the kid might wake up during the transfer and start screaming his head off. Yes, they'd been warned it was a gamble to do it prematurely, but the little guy was sleeping so good now Joel was sure they were out of the danger zone. Ellie just didn't want to hear it. The DVD menu screen was playing on repeat, the ominous theme relegated to white noise (they didn't dare risk turning it off, either).

At least having the baby in her lap is making her behave... Joel had been mildly concerned that she would overestimate his ability to sense Tommy and Maria's return... perhaps over-rely on the we-were-just-playing/wrestling cover... and thus, try to see how far she could push him. He'd been prepared to threaten her with something along the lines of "If you go there, I'll have to tickle you until you pee your pants"... but she wasn't even starting to go there.

"Tonight was fun, wasn't it?" Ellie mused. "With Clicker, I mean. You don't still think I should tell him to fuck off, do you?"

Joel chuckled. "I never said you should do that."

"Well, basically!"

"Keepin' your distance ain't the same thing."

"But it is. It has to be all or nothing, right? If you're saying he can't... ~move on with Alyssa~ because of me..."

She had a point. As it was, Clicker didn't see Ellie every day... if she cut it back from three or four times a week to, say, once a week... or even less... how much difference would it make? It's a small town. They're going to run into each other anyway. The only way to really go cold turkey was to leave town. And he certainly wasn't going to recommend that course of action just to help a kid get over a crush. "I don' know. Maybe it ain't fair to pin that on you. Maybe we'd best just... stay out of it. Let nature take its course."

"Now that sounds more like the Joel I know!" Ellie said happily. "That's what I'm doing anyways. Besides, don't you always say that the only thing that matters is me and you?"

Yes. For himself, though -- not necessarily for her. He wanted her world to be bigger than that. "To an extent. That don't mean we crap on everyone else around us. But maybe Clicker just needs to figure this thing out on his own."

"Yeah -- and maybe he doesn't even have anything to figure out! Maybe he just doesn't like her enough. Maybe you shouldn't want him to settle for being with someone he doesn't have the right--"

"Whoa, hang on -- who said anything about settlin'?"

"That's what people do in this town. Sophie knows it for a fact."

Yes, they'd had some discussions on the subject. "He's twelve. It's his--"

"Thirteen."

"...Whatever. Thirteen. This is his first love... first girlfriend. Most people don't hit a homerun the first--"

"Football, Joel -- they don't... score a touchdown?"

Cute. "Sure. They don't... hit the jackpot, the first time they play."

"Oooo, good one! Like that little town we stayed in! Okay... so, yeah -- the second time is where it's at. Or, in your case... I dunno... you never did tell me how many times you've been in love."

...Just once. Oh, his teenage self had sure thought he was in love, but it hadn't been anything like what he felt for Ellie. On the surface? Maybe. But he truly hadn't had a clue back then. Then his daughter had come along... and Joel had grown the hell up in a hurry. He had no longer had the time or emotional energy to devote to any female who wasn't Sarah. Wait a minute-- "The second time, you said. And you're referrin' to yourself?"

"...Well... yeah?"

Joel tried to sharpen a fuzzy memory from last summer. "You did say... what was it... that you had sort of been in a relationship before. Is that right? You never did tell me about that. What made it only 'sort of'? Your age at the time?"

"No. I mean... not really? It was more like... we just weren't together very long. Like, at all. We were friends more than anything else, because... time ran out: the person died." Her voice had gotten very small there at the end.

"Shit -- I'm sorry, Ellie. I can't believe you never told me about this." Especially that day I was such an asshole, telling her that she didn't know what loss was... ...I do seem to have a bad habit of discounting her feelings.

"Um... I did, a little. You just didn't know who I was talking about."

"...Come again?"

"Remember I told you about my best friend? Riley?"

Yes, Joel had heard about the best friend. Ellie didn't talk about her a lot... but then, Joel didn't talk about his past all that much either, really. Things would come up, here and there... something might warrant a quick mention... but neither of them were prone to telling long stories about their past. At first, Joel had thought that his callous "let's just keep our histories to ourselves" remark might need some undoing... but he knew Ellie didn't hold that against him now. That or anything else he'd said in those early days. She was just more interested in focusing on the present and the future. It was one of the things he loved about her. However, she did clearly enjoy hearing about his past. Especially pre-outbreak. She just understood that there were things he didn't care to revisit... or was only interested in revisiting when in a certain mood (Sarah things, in particular -- although, as time went by, he was finding that he wanted to share Sarah with Ellie more and more).

Ellie was looking up at him now... watching him for a reaction. Reaction to what? Is there something about this story I ain't gonna like? "I remember. What, did she introduce you two or somethin'?"

She frowned. "Not... exactly... ugh, I don't know if I should say anything..."

"Well, you've got to, now that you said that." He tweaked her nose lightly.

"Um... okay..." She worried at her lip. "Only if you promise it won't change anything between us."

The things she worries about... "How in the hell would it change anything between us? It was back in Boston. It's in the past."

"Yeah, but there's stuff you won't tell me because you think it will change how I feel about you! Even though I've told you it won't!"

That was true. "That's different."

"You always say that," she groaned.

"I only say it when it applies."

"...And by that, you mean all the time."

"If it applies," he insisted. "But if you really want me to promise, I will promise: whatever you tell me, will not change how I feel about you in the slightest. All right?"

"You can't know that when you don't know what it iiiiiiis," she moaned.

"Did you or did you not just ask me to promise?"

"Ugh -- fine! Okay, so... Riley. She... um... ... ...the thing is... ... ..."

Joel wondered if this was one of those times where it would be easier if he just asked her questions. "So..." -Only he couldn't really think of what to ask. "Your best friend... and your first boyfriend..."

"They're the same. Er-- I mean, except she wasn't a boyfriend. Cuz she wasn't a boy -- she was a girl."

"Your... first girl friend."

"No-- but... well, yeah. Except not. ...You look confused. What I mean is... she kind of was, I guess, at the end? The very very end. I mean like... the day things changed is the same day we... got attacked."

"I see. That's..." He didn't know what to say. Other than the obvious-- "I'm so sorry that happened to you, baby girl."

She still looked worried. "Really? That's it?"

"...That's it? What do you want me to--"

"I mean like -- you're not even a little freaked out right now?"

"Why should I be freaked out?" he chuckled.

"Fuck -- it's cuz you haven't processed it yet. Maybe I'll let it sink in for a few minutes and then ask you."

"Processed... what, you mean because she was a girl?"

"Yes!"

"You know I don't care about that. People like who they like."

"People do. But when it's me..."

"You're a person, ain'tcha?"

"Joel! You know what I mean!"

"Don't get all worked up, now... don't wanna wake the baby... why don't you let me take him up--"

"No! He's happy here with us." She shifted around a little and rolled Grayson onto his tummy, rubbing his back as if he was the one that needed soothing.

Was it strange to think of Ellie with another girl? ...Maybe. A little. But Joel found he wasn't all that surprised. She had made enough remarks over the past year or so to make him think she was at least open to the idea of being with a girl. Of being-- oh, right-- "So back when you were askin' me if it was okay to... 'like both.' And things like that. You were tryin' to tell me back then? I was just a little slow on the uptake?"

"No... no, not really. I wasn't planning on telling you or anything, I was just like... I dunno..."

"Takin' my temperature on the subject?"

"Um... that's a weird way to put it, but I guess? Are you mad that I didn't tell you before?"

"No. Not at all. There's nothin' to be mad about."

"Okay, good. Just checking. But more importantly..." She looked at him earnestly. "I want you to know that... I love you. A lot."

"I know that."

"I mean... I'm super attracted to you and everything. I... love being with you. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, Joel, I swear."

He gave her a squeeze and then -- he couldn't resist -- a little kiss. "I know. Is that what you're worried about? That I would think..."

"You might think all kinds of things! But you shouldn't -- I've never lied to you about my feelings for you."

She's so cute. "That's why it's called likin' both. Bein' bisexual."

"But I'm not anymore because I only love you!"

He had to smile at that. "That don't mean you ain't... your sexuality don't have to be tied to... a specific person. You can be who you are and still--"

"But it is tied to you! You're the only one for me. I'm Joel-sexual!"

"Mm... I like that. To hell with everyone else."

"Exactly!"

He drew her in for a longer kiss. Soft and sweet, still rather chaste... but he didn't want to get in the habit of doing it around the baby (or at times when Tommy or Maria could walk through the door any minute). He stroked her cheek with his thumb. "I love you, too. Thank you for tellin' me. Was it weighin' on you?"

"Not really... I just... didn't think it was something you needed to know, actually. But... now that you mention it, yeah -- I am glad I told you. You have something you wanna tell me now?"

...Is that a challenging look? "Uh, no. Ain't into dudes. Sorry."

She snickered. "Noooooo I mean you need to tell me what the f-- ...what the heck you and Clicker were talking about when you said it was birdwatching! I can't think of anything that would be a euphemism for. Did you just pull it out of your ass or what?"

"My behind," he corrected her. "This kid's first word is gonna be a swear word, you just watch."

"Pffff! He's still too little! But you're cute." She kissed him again.

He indulged her for a moment before pulling back. "Or it's gonna be... 'guess what, Daddy, I saw Uncle Joel and Aunt Ellie KISSING'..."

"Haha -- except that's way more than one word. Seriously, though -- birds? Birdwatching? Like..."

"Ask Clicker tomorrow." Preferably when I can witness it, 'cause that would be funny as hell...

"I'm asking you right now." She poked at his chest some more.

"I don't even remember, Ellie. When you get to be my age... -hey, easy, now -- you're gonna wake him up." Although it was amusing to watch her struggle with how forceful she could be without disturbing the baby.

The little guy really did seem oblivious to it all, just happily snoozing away... doing that cute rapid-breathing thing that babies do... a little less rapid than when he was awake, but still a noticeable difference. Joel still thought he would rest more comfortably in his crib, but Ellie was right -- he did seem to be content. He must feel safe... loved...

Joel was pretty damn content himself. Just sitting there with Ellie and the baby, doing absolutely nothing. It was... nice. Peaceful. Oddly satisfying. He was well aware that holding Ellie gave him a great deal of satisfaction... but having his little nephew there too, just... added to it, somehow. Must be knowing how happy it makes Ellie... yes, that makes sense. I can tell she loves him so much -- even though she's only known him less than a week.

And Joel couldn't help thinking of their little snugglefest as a snapshot of ~what might have been~, if perhaps he were quite a bit younger and Ellie quite a bit older. He wasn't normally one to dwell on such things, but the thought did cross his mind on occasion. Instead of beating it down with a two-by-four this time, he just... let it be. It ain't doing no harm.

That certainly didn't mean he wanted Ellie to be pregnant, after their close call this week... but he wasn't going there right now. Tonight is a GOOD night -- and he wasn't inclined to ruin it by poisoning a perfectly good warm'n'fuzzy fantasy with cold, dark reality.

~Continue to Chapter 34~

"Singularity" Chapter 32: "Inside Out" [32/49]

2022-04-20T13:28:18Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 32: "Inside Out" [32/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,184
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Joel was having a hell of a time trying to keep the blanket snugly positioned around her shoulders... but Ellie didn't seem to mind much when it slipped.

"I wish we could stay like this forever," she breathed in his ear, sending a fresh wave of shivers down his spine.

As if she wasn't doing enough to me already... Despite the post-coital nature of her declaration, he was actually still balls deep, with Ellie straddling him. It was the easiest position to pull off in their current situation, by far. A position that didn't involve pounding her into the wagon floor, pricking her with splinters (Joel was pretty sure he felt one working its way into his behind, but Ellie could probably help him with that later)... or banging her into one of their hastily-erected brick walls, which would probably be even more uncomfortable. "Mm... you know when it is that you say that?"

"What, the forever thing? Prob'ly like... every time you're inside me?"

He kissed her bare shoulder. "Not every time. Only when I don't play with you enough first."

"Play with me?" she echoed dubiously.

"Yeah. You know... get you all worked up..." If I do it right, she lacks the patience required to 'STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER.' He shifted his lips to her neck; he had to be more careful about nipping it now, so as not to leave any marks, but he could still kiss it... lick it... suck it... she liked it all, where her lovely neck was concerned.

"Ohhh, okay... yeah... I could still stay like this... but I know what you mean." She leaned back just enough to flash him a very naughty smile, then returned her lips to his ear. "You mean when I get so turned on I have to say 'fuck me, Joel!' cuz I can't stand going slow anymore?"

Jesus... he knew it was wrong to get so goddamn aroused by that. She wasn't even saying it for real this time... yet her imitation of the breathless desperation that usually accompanied those three words was still enough. Ellie knew it, too. Knew it and enjoyed the hell out of it. He couldn't thrust very well like this, with his legs sticking out uselessly in front of him, but he could lift her up and down to simulate it. He gripped her sides and--

Ellie giggled. "Noooooo you can't come yet! I just said I wanna stay like this forever."

He hadn't been planning on coming yet, but he obligingly ceased the movement... just scooched his ass down a little (ugh... goddamn splinter...), which seemed to help with the thrust angle. "Then don't whisper hot-as-hell things in my ear, yeah?"

She giggled some more. "What are hellthings?" she teased. "Anyways I'm just trying to stay warm. That's all."

"The blanket--"

"The blanket sucks," she declared. "Your dick is keeping me warm... from the inside out!"

Joel rather liked the way she was moving now... more of a circular motion than up and down. It felt nice, if not quite hot-as-a-hellthing-nice. It's all good. He smiled. "Hate to break it to you, but your insides are already nice an' warm. Ninety-eight point six, unless you've got hypothermia... which... you certainly... do not."

She yelped in surprise when the bricks behind his back shifted. "Shit -- Joel --"

"Sorry... it's all right..." Or it would be, if he could find a comfortable way to lean into them still.

"Our sex is so hot we're breaking down walls," Ellie said happily.

"Guess we should've reinforced this one better." The lower bricks had nowhere to go, but the higher ones could slide back onto the cement bags on the side benches of the wagon. He tugged her face down to meet his, opening his mouth to a steamy-hot kiss. This is actually BETTER, leaning back INto the bricks instead of just against them... with a firm grip on her ass, he tried thrusting again -- for real this time.

Ellie showed signs of amusement every time a brick shifted out of place, but she wasn't breaking away to giggle, so... maybe she's more into it now... He wanted to keep full hold of her ass, but he sacrificed one hand to play with her clit. His good deed did not go unrewarded; she immediately moaned and uttered a little "fuck". A sacrifice well worth it. Oh yeah, I'm Mother Teresa now...

Not that Joel didn't like the little giggles as well. He enjoyed all of it. Just... her. Being so happy. Happy because of him. She apparently felt safe enough now to not always question if it was weird to laugh, or to do... anything allegedly weird at all. He felt like an asshole when he remembered those times not too long ago when he basically took it for granted... when he'd been too tired or not in the mood. He couldn't blame her if she'd started to get a little bored with him. She'd never said as much... he just suspected, at times.

Part of him had been bracing for that, all along. Maybe not in those giddy first few weeks... months?... hell, sometimes he thought they were still in the honeymoon phase, even though it also felt like they knew each other inside and out -- literally. He had expected her to eventually shatter his heart into a million pieces, and was trying to make himself be okay with that. It would be better for her to go on and live an honest life with someone closer to her own age -- someone who wouldn't have to hide her like a dirty little secret.

But if such thoughts ever flitted through his mind at moments like this? When he felt so connected to her, so... as one, with her... they felt like bald-faced lies, easily dismissed. Replaced with fluffy pink romantic shit. This amazing young woman is MINE... and she ain't goin' nowhere... how the hell did I get so lucky?

He fondled her lady bits... caressed her breasts... squeezed her ass... and returned her eager, hungry kisses. She was rocking on top of him now, a little bit of back and forth mixed in with the up and down. After a bit, she slowed her movements -- like she still didn't want this to end yet. He could feel it on his sides when her legs started to shake.

"Fuck, Joel... help me out... I'm close..."

The first time she'd asked him to 'help her out,' he'd been a little confused -- hell, what had he just been doing that wasn't helping her reach her climax? But the leg-shaking thing -- at least, this degree of it -- happened when her legs got fatigued from the repetitive motions, performed in a position that was... perhaps not exactly unnatural, but not conducive to what a body was built to do -- like, say, walking. And apparently, the electricity surging through them to her toes on a repeated loop did not help matters (Joel still wished he could swap bodies with her, just once, to see if some of the sensations she described were real or hyperbole). Anyway, he knew she wanted his hands to help her move quickly in lieu of touching her.

He was pretty damn close himself. Too close, he realized...

"Joel-- uunnhhh..."

Of course he'd help her out. All he had to do was hold on for an extra second after she came. Surely he could just--

"Oh God -- ohhh -- ohhhhh -- fucking... FUUUUCK -- Joel -- Joooeeelllll... oooooh! Ahhh! Oh my fucking God, Joel!"

...She certainly didn't make it easy. How the hell was he supposed to hold on during a barrage of hotness like that? And when it was accompanied by the desperate, frenzied pounding--

He pulled her off of him with enough force to displace the rest of the bricks behind him that had been hanging on for dear life. Now he was reclining at a rather awkward angle over the bottom two rows... and he let her flop back down on top of him, a quivery mass of panting dead weight. "Shit... did you even finish?" he asked her.

She had face-planted into his shoulder -- an adjustment he'd made quickly to avoid whacking her forehead on the cinder block trying to tumble into his lap. She laughed breathlessly. "Um, yeah. Couldn't you tell? Fuck, that was intense."

He batted away any precarious-looking bricks within range... gave the 'wall' on his right a good shove to create a little more breathing room... and was subsequently assaulted by the cold air coming in from the front. Oops... refreshing as it is, she's gonna get cold now... what on Earth is she doing with that blanket? "Seemed like you might still be in the middle of it when I... damn, I made a mess down there..."

"We made it." (It was cute how she liked to share the blame that way -- and he couldn't deny that she had an awful lot to do with its presence on the outside of his body.) "Guess we'll be washing this blanket now, huh?" she giggled, turning to nuzzle his neck.

He was glad to be able to see out front again -- and was even glad that all he could see was a wall of gray. Not that he wanted to be stuck here forever, but it made him feel a little better about his lack of customary Outside vigilance. Right -- the blanket -- it was caught between his left leg and Ellie's, its purpose shifting from Ellie-warmer to... mess-soaker-upper. "Ugh," he grimaced.

Her giggles tickled his neck. "I love you soooooo much."

Aww. Even though it was just an orgasm-induced declaration, she sounded so sweet and sincere. "Love you too, sweet girl." He kept his arms snugly around her, debating how to make use of the 'good' part of the blanket that had fallen by the wayside. I need to sit up-- "You're gonna get cold if we--"

"No I won't! You're still warm... somehow..."

"For the moment. It won't last. Besides, we're... sticky."

"But it's a warm sticky!"

"...You think that makes it better?"

"Yes! Warm is like... hot!" she giggled. "And when it dries, we'll be stuck to each other forever..."

That thought disgusted him enough that he had to move. "All right. Up."

"Aw, Joel--"

"Up!"

They used the rain water to rinse off a little, even though the blanket they'd be returning to was already a bit... defiled beyond mere rinsing. Then of course they had to get warm and dry again. Since the bricks were scattered every-which-way now, Joel cleared the area right in front of the bench to lean against... his pants pulled up (yes, even though they were still wet) and Ellie in his lap, bundled up in the defiled blanket -- which they could not even afford to rinse because their need to use the dry part trumped his disgust. He tried not to think about how much jizz had ended up on him, on Ellie, on the blanket... compared to the total amount that had come out. Had any of it ended up inside her? He hadn't made it completely out before the geyser had started erupting -- he felt pretty certain of that. But had he been close enough to being out that it didn't matter? ...If there even was such a thing?

Shit... she only JUST finished her period a few days ago. Am I gonna have to worry about this for the next month? ...AGAIN? Goddamnit-- this was definitely an instance he would classify as a 'close call.' Hopefully that's all it was. What the hell is wrong with me? ...All right... it's a little early in her cycle for her to get pregnant... ain't like coming inside is a guaranteed ticket to parenthood... the odds are in our favor... no need to panic. No need to worry about it for the next-- oh, who am I trying to fool -- of course I'll worry about it. I can't NOT worry about such a--

"Joel, are you even listening to me?" asked Ellie.

He wasn't. "Sure."

"Then what should I do?"

Uh... He couldn't even pretend he'd heard a word she just said. "About what?"

"Ugh -- I knew you weren't listening!"

"Sorry, baby girl. I am now."

"About Clicker? About his... crush, or whatever it is?"

"On you?"

"Yeah."

"It's a crush."

She sighed. "It feels disrespectful or something, thinking of it like that, when you thought that about me, just cuz I'm younger."

"I was wrong about you, I admit it." He had never doubted that she cared for him -- it was the romantic feelings he hadn't trusted to last. Like it could have been merely a teacher crush or something along those lines. "Me'n'you were closer at the time than you'n'Clicker, though, yeah?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"It is what it is: a crush. What exactly are you askin'?"

"What should I do? Do I bring it up? Like... talk to him about it? What do I say?"

That would be one hell of an awkward conversation... "I don't think you need to do that. He's never actually... professed his undying devotion to you, has he?"

"Ha. No..."

"So you don' know exactly how he feels."

"Well, no, but you guys-- everyone tells me--"

"Yes, he's clearly... smitten. I don' know, kiddo... maybe just keep your distance for a while. That'll show him you ain't interested." Or, it WOULD, if he was actually old enough to understand that that's what she was doing...

"But he's my friend! You think I should avoid him?"

"Not forever. Just for a while."

"That's so shitty! How long is 'a while'?"

"Uh... long enough for him an' Alyssa to work things out, I guess? -No, longer than that. If he's gonna drop her like a hot potato the second you come back around--"

"But obviously he doesn't really like her that much, right? Or he wouldn't do that. That's the conclusion I'm coming to now."

...How much thought has she given this? It seemed like she'd put it out of her mind pretty quickly last night once they'd gotten home. "I don' know. If you're the fantasy an' she's the reality--"

"I shouldn't be his fantasy!" she groaned.

He squeezed her and chuckled. "Can't blame the little guy. Obviously I couldn't resist your charms, either."

"But he doesn't have to resist-- I'm not-- aarrrghhh I dunno. I don't think I can do what you're saying. I can't just blow him off and make him think I don't care about him. As my friend."

"Well, if you go ahead an' have that... frank discussion with him, addressin' the issue... ..."

"Then what?" she prodded.

"Then... you might lose him as a friend. It might be too hard for him to be around you... too awkward, knowin' that you don't feel the same way. Remember what happened after I told you we couldn't be... like this?" He squeezed her.

"But I knew you were lying!"

"I wasn't lyin'." For the most part.

"Well -- I knew that you were wrong, then. Totally different situation."

"Bit different, sure," he allowed. "But after you left that night... didn't you wish like hell you could rewind a couple hours an' have nothin' change between us? I know I sure did."

"...You did? You wished I'd never told you how I felt?" She sounded sad.

"Because you left... and I didn't know how to fix it. How to go back to the way we used to be. It was an awful feelin'." And he certainly could have handled the situation better, but it had all worked out okay in the end. ...So far... we ain't at THE END yet...

"But we weren't supposed to go back, see? We were supposed to move forward."

No... we weren't. I was weak. And selfish. As the adult, I had a responsibility to NOT cross that line... and I not only crossed it -- I sprinted right past it. Blew through it like it was nothing. Like I didn't give a damn. Look at me now... I STILL don't give a damn. I can't even control myself -- as a grown-ass man decades past his prime. If I just got her pregnant...

"Joel?" She nudged him, and he got the feeling he'd spaced another question of hers.

"Hm?"

"You don't regret what happened, though, right? I mean... obviously you don't. We're so good together. Just like I knew we would be."

He did regret it, sometimes. He just tried not to dwell on it, since there was nothing to be done about it now. But he couldn't say that to Ellie; she wouldn't understand what he meant, and it would only hurt and confuse her. "I don't regret it," he said. It wasn't a lie, since he both did and did not.

"Good. You shouldn't."

He got the feeling she was trying to reassure him... which meant she didn't quite buy his answer. "How could I? You're... -You make me happier than I've ever been." That was the God's honest truth.

"Aww. Me too!" She turned his face toward hers and kissed him. "See? It's totally different, with you and me. That wouldn't happen with Clicker. So if I don't say anything to him..."

"What, just... go on like normal?"

"Yeah. Is that bad?"

He kissed her cute little nose. "Ever hear of 'be cruel to be kind'?"

"Um... no? That makes zero sense."

"It does if you think about it. It's like tough love. Same basic concept. Short term versus long term."

"Huh. Okay, so... you're saying I'm being cruel if I keep hanging out with him?" She sounded very skeptical.

"In a way, maybe you are, yeah. I'm sayin'... maybe it feels cruel to keep your distance, but in the long run, it might be the kinder thing to do, so he don't spend all his time pinin' away for--"

"But then he wouldn't have my friendship. And I wouldn't have his. If he wants to hang out with me... isn't that his choice? I mean... that's up to him to decide, right?"

Well... Joel suspected his opinion on this matter wasn't going to sit well with Ellie. "He's just a kid. He don't always know what's in his best interest."

"Oh God -- we're back to that again? Okay -- thanks, Joel, you just helped me decide what to do," she announced cheerfully.

"...I did?"

"Yep! I'm going to do nothing. He can decide for himself if he wants to be my friend or... if it's too painful for him or whatever. It's not fair for me to decide that for him. I'm not sure he should be with Alyssa anyways. She can be kind of a little brat. If he doesn't--"

"Hang on -- so you're goin' to poison him against her now?"

She swatted him. "I didn't say that!"

"But if he asks you for advice... ?"

"Then... I'll be honest!"

"Mm, okay. I get it." He could read between the lines.

"The way you said that makes me think that you don't."

She's gonna get all mad, but-- "I get that you don't like the idea of him bein' with someone else. That you... enjoy the way he worships you."

"He doesn't worship me!"

"It makes you feel good. Boosts your--"

"I'm not like that, Joel! You know I'm not!"

"I ain't sayin' it's a bad thing," Joel said placatingly. "It's... very human. To want to be admired. Plus, you feel like Annie an' this new girl are close now, so you're even more--"

"I told you -- me and Annie are good now! I overreacted the other day." She snorted. "Shocking, I know."

"Still. I think you need to be careful. You don't wanna lead him on."

"I wouldn't!"

"On accident, you might." Maybe she already has...

She looked at him thoughtfully. "I know what this is about. That whole... don't-spend-time-alone-with-the-opposite-sex thing. Right? You don't want me spending time with him. Like suddenly he counts... for our rule?"

Joel honestly hadn't even thought of it like that; he knew Ellie dismissed Clicker as a little boy, hopelessly too young for her. The kid had grown up some over the winter, maybe, but... it wasn't like Clicker had suddenly evolved into a threat to their relationship. "No, that ain't it."

"Okay, good -- because you didn't even count Parker. Like, before I told you he was gay!"

"Because he was the only one in that place even remotely close to your age. Situation's different here. Besides, you weren't really hangin' out with Parker by yourself anyway. Except towards the end. ...And that didn't end up goin' too--"

"Are you gonna keep throwing that in my face? Fuck. I'm sorry. I was just trying to protect him," she said crossly.

"I know you were." Another squeeze. "If you still wanna hang out with Clicker, I wouldn't count it as breakin' the rule. You can hang out with anyone you want to."

"Yeah right," she muttered so low Joel almost didn't hear her.

"I'm serious."

"Pfff. It you were serious, there wouldn't be a rule in the first place!"

...Fair point. "Well, maybe there shouldn't be." Maybe he'd been too rigid there. Now that he had to accept the fact that she was no safer with him than anyone else... is this rule more about my own peace of mind than about mutual respect and whatnot? He really was trying to not be a controlling asshole... "Maybe we just... evaluate things for ourselves. Play it by ear. What do you think?"

She narrowed her eyes, looking suspicious as hell. "Why are you saying this now? Is there some woman you want to hang out with?"

Haha... cute. "Me? No."

"Then why get rid of the rule so easily? Maybe I wanna keep it!"

So she LIKES me being a controlling asshole. Yes, Ellie made it too easy for him to justify all kinds of things to himself. "You wanna keep it? We'll keep it."

"...For both of us."

"For both of us," he agreed. "With some exceptions -- as long as we both agree. Like Clicker."

"Even though you don't want me to hang out with him now."

"For his sake," Joel chuckled. "So he can move on."

"Which is his choice to make, not yours. Or mine."

"All right." He wasn't going to keep arguing with her; he got the feeling she'd firmly made up her mind on the subject, now that she was drawing that ridiculous parallel to their relationship. "Surprised you haven't taken the opportunity to point out that I 'broke the rule a million times' with Sophie."

"I'm only teasing you, when I say that. I so don't care, now that we're sisters. It's like the Tommy and Maria thing. Family doesn't count!"

Even though her reasoning didn't quite ring true for Joel, he'd been very glad when Ellie had stopped viewing Sophie in a hostile light; the last leg of that trip had been hard enough as it was. "Except you an' Sophie ain't really--"

"Shut up! We are because we say we are. Like me and you. I know you think of us as family."

Just don't ask me to define the relationship... "Of course. You're right." 'Family' was a good catch-all label anyhow.

"I'm always right!"

"Mm. How'd you get so smart?" He kissed her temple.

"I dunno... just born that way, I guess!" She let out a big yawn and nestled her head on his shoulder. "You're too cozy -- it's making me sleepy. I might just take a little nap now, 'k? You should, too."

If they were at home, he might have considered it. He stifled the yawn she'd passed on to him and patted her hair. "I'm good. I think I got better sleep than you did last night... so you go on an' have yourself a little siesta. Good night, baby girl."

"Good afternoon, you mean."

"Good night," he insisted. "Or sweet dreams, if you prefer."

"Mmm... 'night, Joel."

He shifted a little... and was reminded of-- "I'm gonna need you to help me with somethin' when we get home."

"Oooooo -- round two?" she joked.

"Hardly. I've got this splinter in my ass that's annoying as hell."

"Aww, you do?" She lifted her head to look at him. "See, you should've sat on your shirt, silly! I was right again!"

"Yes, I should listen to you on all things," he said lightly.

She gave him a giggly little kiss. "Is it like... up your ass, or in your butt cheek?"

"Butt cheek."

"Okay, good, cuz I don't think I'd be much help if it was inside... you'd just have to shit it out. Ha! Um, don't we have tweezers in the first aid kit?"

"Yes, but I'd rather deal with it at home. It can wait. So you'll help me?"

"Anything for you, Joel!" she said over-dramatically, laying her head back down on his shoulder. "Even though you know I just hate touching your ass."

Joel squeezed her again, because she was so damn adorable. "That's my girl. Always willin' to go above an' beyond."

They sat quietly for a while, and she did actually doze off, probably lulled by the gentler sounds of the rain pattering on the tarp as it started to let up... or perhaps by his heartbeat, which she'd always found soothing. Joel tried to stay alert... although his mind did wander. From the exquisite pain of loving the girl in his arms with his whole heart, even though he knew he shouldn't... to poor Clicker's hopeless crush on her... to the fact that Ellie never did tell him why she was so interested in that Colton boy at lunch (and Joel did remember him -- he was the kid who had asked her to dance at that wedding they'd attended last summer)... wherever his thoughts took him, they always circled back to his semi-failure to pull out, and what it might mean.

None of those matters were anything he particularly wanted to think about at the moment, but the rain and wind were still loud enough (in a useless, white-noise sort of way) to drown out any other Outside noises he could have focused on instead, in the name of keeping watch.

Shame they can't drown out my mind as well.

* * * * * * * *

The rain had let up enough for them to get on their way -- long before dark, thankfully.

Joel still hadn't had a guard shift since they'd returned home -- his first would be later this week -- so the scanner was still in play. Tommy had assured him it didn't matter where it happened to be, that he would leave instructions at the north gate for them to radio him as soon as Joel and Ellie pulled up -- so that he could 'help them unload.' Tommy didn't even know what the haul would be, but since the inside of the wagon was mostly hidden from view and it wasn't customary to search current residents, it didn't matter: Joel could come back empty-handed and still claim to need his brother's help. Tommy hadn't left any instructions about the scanning, as they had reckoned that might seem a little suspicious, but when he answered the call, he'd be sure to tell the gate to just let Joel and Ellie right on through, scan-free. Even so, Joel wished he knew which gate the thing was at. Just to be safe. He might be able to smuggle Ellie back Inside, if this shift didn't pay attention to the log that had marked them both Out that morning, but he wasn't going to count on that.

He had asked Ellie to curl up in the back, in case the smuggling option presented itself (besides, she wanted to keep wearing the foul blanket, which carried with it the possibility of lingering, detectable sex odors). But, assuming the guards proved competent enough to pay attention to the log... if a guard got a little scanner-happy in spite of Tommy's instruction -- or if Tommy was unavailable for some reason -- Joel would be more than happy to comply himself, and then he could persuade them not to disturb poor exhausted Ellie who 'hadn't slept a wink last night.' If the guard refused to be persuaded, then... well... Joel would come up with something while the douchebag was climbing into the wagon. He didn't care who it was or what he had to do: he refused to let anyone find out about her immunity and live to tell about it.

...Except Sophie. But that had been all but unavoidable in Sacramento, and she had understood that Joel had no qualms killing anyone who might possibly pose any sort of threat to Ellie, so she would be sure to keep her damn mouth shut.

The north gate loomed ahead... and Joel's stomach lurched unpleasantly when he got a decent view of the men in the towers -- the one on the right in particular. What the hell is HE doing up there?

Max watched them approach, casually tossing the goddamn scanner from one hand to the other. "Afternoon," he called down to Joel... all cordial-like.

"Thought you got fired," Joel replied undiplomatically. He nodded a hello to the other guard, Mitch, who had called out a greeting... Joel didn't have a problem with him, although he wasn't certain he'd be any better off had the scanner been in his hands, seeing as how his little boy had gotten infected last year. ...Then again, maybe he wouldn't give a shit.

"I got un-fired," the smug son of a bitch toying with the scanner replied. "Where's Ellie?"

So, smuggling's out. Joel had also considered -- and decided against -- concocting some simple lie about leaving her at the farm. "She's sleepin' in the back."

"Is that Max?" Ellie stage-whispered, just barely loud enough for Joel to hear.

He discreetly shushed her and turned back to the guards. "Tommy asked to be notified of our arrival."

"So he said." Mitch already had the walkie talkie in hand. "Tommy, this is North Gate, over."

Max waggled the scanner at Joel. "Guess you found out the other day... we gotta scan everyone who comes in now."

Joel didn't like the way the bastard was looking at him. And there was a challenge in his tone... like he somehow knew that being scanned wouldn't fly with Joel.

"Also found out the practice is... discretionary," Joel replied calmly. "Ain't necessary for a trip to the farm... where we didn't encounter any Infected." Come on, Tommy, answer already... although now Joel could possibly turn this into a mere battle of wills. One that had nothing to do with being scanned. The motherfucker knows I don't like him... arguing with him wouldn't arouse any suspicion whatsoever...

"How do I know you ain't lying? Hell -- maybe you're in denial," Max drawled.

To hell with suspicions -- I sure wouldn't mind having an excuse to KILL the son of a bitch. He still wasn't sure why he'd passed up his last opportunity to do just that; it probably had something to do with simply not wanting to upset Ellie, who was inexplicably fond of the asshole. "I'm a man of my word," Joel said coolly. When it suits me. "I wouldn't put the town at risk like that. Ask anyone you want, if you don't believe me."

Max just smirked. Turned and started climbing down the tower. Joel could already feel the adrenaline pumping at the thought of what he was about to do to the bastard, should he make it as far as the wagon. Just gotta fix the angle so Mitch don't see it, if I can... under the pretense of pulling in even closer to the gate, Joel moved forward but turned the horses just a bit to the right.

Finally, Tommy's voice crackled over the walkie talkie -- not that it stopped Max. Mitch informed Tommy of their return... and the dickhead dropped to the ground.

"Just let 'em on through an' tell 'em I'll meet 'em halfway in five," was Tommy's reply. "No need to bother with scanning, over."

"Ten four, North Gate over and out," Mitch acknowledged. The gate was already slowly creaking open. "Max! Tommy just said to let them through."

Max didn't step aside. "Since I'm already down here, though..."

Joel had half a mind to simply direct the horses to trample the prick. But he was in the clear now... with Tommy's blessing to proceed, he would be well within his rights to punch the daylights out of the bastard if he came too close for comfort. He didn't know how many townsfolk knew that he and Max disliked each other, but surely Mitch would pick up on the antagonistic vibes flying between them here... Mitch wouldn't suspect that the main issue was with the scanner when Joel so clearly had a problem with the man wielding it. It was the more practical option than strangling Max in the wagon, and then yelling for help because the guy had 'had a heart attack or something.' (It was also the option less likely to put Joel in the doghouse with Ellie.)

"My brother jus' said it ain't necessary," Joel gritted out.

One thing he hadn't counted on: Ellie deciding she was done with pretending to be asleep. Even though she knew full well the reasoning behind that request. She poked her head through the hole where the tarp puckered, rubbing her eyes as if she'd just woken up (...so at least she was selling it). "Hey... we're home... oh! Max! Hiiiiiii! I thought you were in Idaho!"

Joel grabbed her arm before she could hop down. "Ellie, don't." Can't she see the goddamn scanner in his hand?

And yet she glared at Joel and tried to yank her arm away. "What? I just wanna say hi -- I haven't seen him yet!"

Joel kept a firm grip; again, the action could be chalked up to his dislike for Max... to not wanting Ellie anywhere near him. "You can say hi from up here," he said pointedly... and to his relief, she didn't seem inclined to keep arguing.

Max smiled at her. "Hey, Sunshine. Got back last night. This town ain't been the same without you."

Joel drove the horses through the gate... and as soon as he relaxed his grip on Ellie's arm, she jerked away from him too quickly for him to re-grab it. "Ellie!"

It was too late, of course. She'd jumped out and ran straight to Max, flinging her arms around his neck. With the scanner right--

...in the waist of Max's jeans. Huh. He'd tucked it in there just before she reached him.

Joel kept a lid on his anger... irritation?... whatever the hell shade of animosity it was, and let Ellie chat with the douchebag for a minute or so before calling out to her. "Ellie -- come on. Tommy's waitin'." Come to think of it, he had no idea if Tommy actually planned to help them or if that had just been the cover story. Joel supposed he would probably help, to keep up appearances (and maybe just because he would have anyhow).

Ellie didn't make him call her back again; she told Max she'd see him later -- presumably in the general sense, because of that rule (which he was now grateful she'd insisted on keeping) -- and clambered back up on the seat. "That was a nice surprise! It was stupid anyways, him getting fired. He's not 'drunk all the time' -- like there's even enough alcohol around for him to do that?"

Joel snorted. "Part of his side hustle, I'm sure."

"Side hustle?"

"Though I ain't sure what he's got to offer in return." Joel had long wondered that.

"Oh, you mean like... -Don't worry, he's not doing what Golden Sands does. He just finds extra stuff sometimes when he's Out. And he knows a lot of people cuz he's been in this area a long time."

"...Uh-huh. Well, good to know he ain't sellin' his body."

Ellie whacked his arm. "Not funny!"

"It's kind of funny." (Although he had chided her for similar humor of poor taste recently.) Joel wanted to ask her why the hell she would run up to a man with a scanner in his hand, but he couldn't risk it out in the street like this.

Tommy did indeed offer to help unload, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. The three of them were rather a tight fit on the seat. Joel told Ellie she could ride in back, but she declared she wanted to drive, and that the three of them fit just fine. It did serve as a good excuse to lay his arm behind her shoulders, resting it on the back of the seat. Tommy had more experience driving a team, so Joel let him do the majority of the coaching on it. It only took them a few minutes to reach their house.

Once the wagon had been emptied, the bricks stacked neatly beneath the porch along the edge with the one bag of mortar behind them, Joel sprawled out on the couch to unwind a little. He didn't think he'd so much as twitched at the little pinch on his butt cheek, but Ellie must have noticed something-- "Oh hey we have to get that splinter out of your ass now!" she remembered with a little too much amusement. She'd gone to the kitchen to fetch them all some nice cold water, but the house was so small that the kitchen/dining area/living room were basically all like one big room.

"Say what now?" asked Tommy from the doorway.

With an "oopsie!" expression on her face, Ellie said nothing. Just turned to get three glasses out of the cupboard. Slowly. One by one.

"How the hell did you get a splinter up your ass?" Tommy marveled.

"It ain't up my ass," Joel clarified, annoyed with both of them now. "It's on the outside."

Tommy was far too amused as well. "What'd you do, sit on a cactus?" He went and plopped right down next to Joel.

"No..." But that's probably the way I need to play this-- "Might've shimmied up a little too close to a tree durin' my nature break." It could have happened.

"Yeah, it was an emergency," Ellie put in. "He couldn't just hold it 'til we got home!"

"And you were gonna make poor lil' Ellie dig it outta there?" Tommy hooted.

"I offered, actually!" Ellie lied cheerfully. "He can't do it himself, and you know he'll never go to the clinic for something like that. He won't even go for his fucking ankle!"

"Ankle's fine," Joel grumbled. Ellie had told Maria about his injury, so of course, that meant Tommy knew about it as well... but since Tommy hadn't given him so much as an ounce of shit for 'being a lazy bastard and making Ellie do everything' for him and whatnot, he suspected she'd been considerate enough to downplay it. "For chrissakes, it's been fine for weeks. And I reckon Ellie just wants braggin' rights, with the splinter." Sure. 'Cause it ain't like she sees my ass every day...

"I'll do it just for those," Tommy chortled. "You're welcome, Ellie. I'll spare you the horror."

"I don't mind -- really!" Ellie cried. She approached them carefully with the three glasses forming a triangle in her hands.

"You don' need to deal with that, honey," Tommy assured her, taking the front glass from her and shooting Joel a very pointed look. "Right, Joel?"

Joel had to go along with it; it would be out of character for his father persona to fight Tommy on this. And sometimes... like now... it felt like Tommy still had his suspicions about their relationship. "Yep. Gotta protect those innocent eyes." He took a refreshing swig from the glass she handed him as she parked herself in between them. "Goddamn thing will just work its way out on its own eventually."

"Hey, now, I didn't say that," Tommy replied. "It could get infected. That happened with little Stephen. His hand. He couldn't get the thing out but didn't say nothin' cuz he was tryin' to be a tough guy--"

"Most of the time, though, it's fine," Joel interrupted him.

"Tough guy?" Ellie chuckled. "And yet he used to play the Dora game with me."

"He might be a little old for that now," said Tommy.

"He was too old for it then!" she replied. "But he's a good sport. Do you guys miss having the kids in your house after school? ...Sometimes, maybe?"

"Maybe sometimes," Tommy allowed. "I wasn't around for that, most of the time... the dinners, though -- those, I kinda miss. Maria does, too. It's nice havin' you two around again. Sometimes I'm the only adult Maria sees all day now, and as you can imagine, she gets pretty damn sick of me."

"Yeah right," Ellie said charitably (at least, Joel thought it was charitable of her; he could certainly imagine getting sick of Tommy in a hurry). "Well, me and Joel are gonna give you guys a night out on the town, when we babysit."

Joel chuckled at that. "A night out on the town, huh?"

"Well, what would you call it? They're going out... in a town... okay so it's a night in the town, then. But isn't it a night out, in that saying?"

"You're right, either way," said Tommy. "That's exactly what it is. It just ain't like it used to be, is all."

She nudged Joel with her shoulder. "Joel, what night did you say you have guard duty again? Friday?"

Maybe I can get out of this by 'getting my days mixed up,' when asked about it later... -But no, he wouldn't do that to Ellie. (At least not for the first night of babysitting.) "Yeah."

"Okay so Thursday. Thursday night, we'll do it. And Saturday we'll do family movie night so we can keep watching that show -- but you'll have to remind me what happened last time cuz it's been forever!"

"They have a previously on thing in the beginnin'," Joel reminded her. "But don't you wanna take some time to hang out with your friends?"

"Duh -- Friday! Cuz you'll be working. Anyways, family is more important."

Tommy gave her a mock suspicious look. "Are you sure you're actually a teenager?"

"Um... yeah?" Ellie giggled. "I'm not? Why?"

"Most teenagers care more about seein' their friends than their family," Joel explained.

"Oh -- yeah, you've mentioned that before. That's so weird. But... you're saying I'm the weird one?"

Joel mussed her hair. "I reckon it's different with you 'cause... you haven't had a family before. You don't feel the same... pull to get away, an' whatnot. To separate from them... assert your independence... all that. It don't make you weird."

Ellie nodded. "I guess that makes sense. But I'm not the only one -- Annie's really close to her mom, and they've been together her whole life."

"True," Tommy agreed. "You would know better than I, about them. But Will sure does seem to be pullin' away. Might be more about not wantin' to be a farmer than about escapin' his family, though."

"Annie says the good thing about that is he's waaaay less annoying now that he's not in her face all the time," Ellie said brightly.

"Baby brothers sure can be annoying as hell," Joel replied (not even joking).

"Watch it," Tommy teased. "I'm about to be holdin' a pointy instrument near your ass."

"Oh no you ain't," Joel growled. "Rather have it get infected. -Speakin' of infected..." He turned to Ellie. "Why in God's name would you run straight up to a scanner like that? What were you thinkin'?"

Tommy quirked an eyebrow at her. "You did what?"

"He wasn't going to use it on me," Ellie said defensively.

"And you know that... how?" Joel pressed.

"Because we got the all clear -- we had permission to skip the whole--"

"Son of a bitch didn't give a damn about that," Joel cut in. "He was tryin' to get a rise outta me."

"Whatever," Ellie scoffed. "That doesn't even make sense. How would he even know that you didn't want me scanned?"

"Beats me. How would he?" Joel watched her closely; if she lied here, he needed to be able to detect it.

"You're asking me? How would I know?"

She does seem genuinely baffled... "You tell me. Can you think of one way he would've found that out?"

"No!"

"Think harder, then."

Ellie turned to Tommy helplessly.

"I didn't tell him shit," Tommy answered as if he'd been accused.

"Neither did I!" She turned back to Joel. "Is that what you're asking? If I told him? Why the fuck would I do that?"

Joel shrugged. "I don' know... you think he's your friend... you think he's a nice guy..."

"I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone, and I haven't." She sounded hurt.

"Maybe he found out by accident, then, that day you ran off with him?" Joel suggested. "Maybe he saw your arm? Maybe you were afraid to tell me 'cause--"

"Whoa -- hold on -- first of all, I did not 'run off' with him -- it was a planned trip -- and no, he didn't see anything, because I'm not that fucking stupid! The only person who's ever told anyone about me is you. You told Tommy, and you told Sophie. You did that. And you didn't ask me if it was okay, either time. You just did it. You decided on your own. So don't you dare accuse me of blabbing. I've kept my word." She looked at him coldly.

Well, shit. She did have a point, but Joel didn't feel that he'd been in the wrong either of those times. I'd get out of this so much easier if I could take her in my arms and kiss her right now, but... Yeah, not an option at the moment. He'd have to get by on just words. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply... that you haven't. Thought it might've happened on accident."

"Uh, no you didn't -- before that, you accused me of telling him!"

Damn, she's really pissed-- "I wasn't accusin' you. I was just... speculatin'. As for those times I told someone about you? I thought you understood -- with Tommy... we were lookin' for him so he could help us."

"Pfff. Yeah. But you didn't have to tell him. It was just a job. I wouldn't've told you if we hadn't had that... thing with the soldier. You told Tommy because you wanted to get rid of me, and you didn't think he'd do it unless he knew the reason."

Christ, this again? "How long are you gonna throw that in my face?" He purposely echoed her words from earlier. "It was a mistake. One I fixed right away. Right after I made it."

"Not right after," Ellie grumbled. She stared into her glass, turning it absently in her hands.

Tommy, who had been nice and quiet through all this, suddenly stood up. "I'm gonna go wash my hands and let you two talk this out."

Joel set his glass on the coffee table and waited for the bathroom door to close before cupping her cheek in his hand, gently coaxing her to look at him. "Hey. I'm sorry about that. You know why I did it. I was a coward. But I made the right choice in the end."

"I know. It's okay, Joel. I get it. But if I can trust you, after all that... after everything... why can't you trust me? Is it... cuz of that night? When we left Monterey?"

"Sshh... we don' need to talk about that right now." He glanced pointedly at the bathroom... or the hallway, rather. "I do trust you. I believe you if you say you haven't told Max, or anyone else. And... I thought you said you were glad that Sophie knew." If he recalled correctly, Ellie had been only mildly, fleetingly annoyed.

"I was. I am! It's fine."

"I would've asked your permission if I could, but you were out of it. Sleepin', mostly. And when you were awake, you still weren't -- you kept askin' me if I was dead--"

"I know, Joel! It's okay!"

"I couldn't keep makin' excuses as to why she couldn't help you... and we had to get that filthy shirt off you... she thought it would be awkward for me to--"

"I knooowww -- I said it's fine." She snorted. "It's like with the splinter. Unless you can get Tommy to drop it, I think it's gonna be him digging around in your ass, not me, cuz that would just be so awkward for innocent little me."

"It ain't in my ass."

"Ass cheek -- whatever!"

He caressed her cheek with his thumb... which was a little on the grimy side (he should go wash his hands, too... not that she'd ever minded). She ain't mad no more... He'd heard the toilet flush, the faucet running... he figured Tommy would be back in another few seconds. "I think we can get away with a hug," he said quietly.

She giggled softly. "Okay." She set her glass down, then leaned over and wrapped her arms around his neck.

He tugged her in close and held her tight. Kissed the side of her head, even. "Love you," he whispered.

"Love you tooooo," she whispered back.

Joel heard the bathroom door open... but Tommy had yet to reappear. "All clear, baby brother!" he called to him, in case it was necessary.

"Meaning: no more tension hanging in the air, making things awkward!" Ellie added. She pulled back and resumed her previous position.

It took Tommy another few seconds to emerge from the hallway. He looked puzzled.

"What's wrong? Bathroom ain't clean enough for you?" Joel teased.

Ellie swatted him. "Did you pee on the lid again?"

"I don't pee on the lid."

"Well, I sure as fuck can't get pee up there, so..."

"You mean on the underside of it?"

"Yeah -- not the top of it! That would really be--"

"It must come off the seat... which would be you."

"No way! I don't--"

"But since men are dirty... foul... absolutely disgusting creatures, I'm sure it's all my fault," Joel concluded.

"Yeah, that sounds about right!" she said happily.

"Ellie..." Tommy was still over by the hallway. "Can I ask you somethin'?"

"Yeah?" She looked at him expectantly.

...Shit... this ain't gonna be good... I can tell by the look on his--

"Why do you have a pair of handcuffs... danglin' on your bedpost?"

Oh Goddamnit-- "Picked those up in California -- I told her to put 'em away," Joel answered before she could, chuckling to show that this was No Big Deal. "But she thought it was funny, stickin' 'em there. Anythin' I tell her not to do, she wants to just go ahead an' do it. Just to mess with me." All of which was actually true. Every word.

"He did," Ellie affirmed, smiling weakly... and blushing like hell.

Tommy didn't seem to find it funny in the slightest. "O... kay... ?"

"Why were you looking in our room, anyway?" she asked, sounding truly miffed.

Shit!

Ellie tended to subscribe to strategy along the lines of the best defense is a good offense... which could be effective, sometimes... Joel just hoped his brother didn't pick up on her pronoun mistake here. She didn't even seem to realize what she'd just said.

Tommy was not abashed in the slightest. "I wasn't lookin'. The door was open an' they caught my eye. ...What do you mean 'our' room? That's your room.... ain't it?"

"She means 'cause it's our house," Joel replied quickly, before Ellie could put her foot in it any further. It was a lame explanation, though... damnit... "And I do keep my clothes in there. In the dresser. Got some shit in the closet, too. But other than that, yes, it's her room, of course. Just storage, on my end." Better, but maybe not by much... he reckoned he'd best just shut the hell up lest it become a thou doth protest too much situation.

"How'd you get 'em?" Tommy asked... sounding more neutral or curious than accusatory, at least.

"We found 'em," Joel replied just as Ellie said, "A soldier."

Tommy crossed his arms and looked between the two of them. "You know, Joel... it's funny how you like to sit back an' let Ellie do the talkin', most of the time... until we get to somethin' you wanna hide. Somethin' you don't want her to... say wrong."

Ellie sighed exasperatedly. "That's not what he's doing! Look -- we did find them, okay? On a dead soldier. And he had the key on his keyring. I thought they were cool, so I took them. That's it. I don't get what the big deal is. So what if I hang them on my bed? They're cool-looking. It's not like I have posters or anything to put up in there. Why are you being all weird about it?"

Atta girl... Joel felt a surge of pride at how coolly she had lied there. Melding their two answers into one that still made sense. It helped that most of what she'd said was the truth... pretty much all of it, actually, other than the handcuffs-bearing soldier being dead... and with a few minor little details omitted regarding her reasons for wanting them...

Tommy held a hand up placatingly. "All right, all right... just thought it was a little odd. As long as Joel ain't chainin' you up in there for talkin' back to him or somethin'..."

Joel hoped like hell that was meant to be a joke.

"Don't give him any ideas!" Ellie laughed. "But if you don't see me for a week, you might wanna come check and make sure that he hasn't. Just in case."

"Knock it off. Both of you." Joel mussed her hair again. Forced another chuckle to hide his irritation at his nosy brother and his dumb jokes.

Tommy clapped his hands together and rubbed them gleefully... wearing quite the evil-looking expression now. "All right, Joel! Get your ass over here an' let me save it from a deadly infection."

Ellie smirked at Joel and patted his shoulder. "Guess you're not getting out of it. You better go get this over with!"

"Be a brave boy, now!"

"Yeah -- just try not to think about how humiliating it is..."

"~It'll only hurt for a minute!~"

"Haha! I promise I won't tell anyone if you cryyyyy!"

Joel decided they were both evil.

~Continue to Chapter 33~

"Singularity" Chapter 31: "…And Your Enemies Closer" [31/49]

2022-04-06T13:04:24Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 31: "...And Your Enemies Closer" [31/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 10,427
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

"Whoa..." Ellie marveled at the fortress-like farm ahead of them. They had taken two horses -- and the pioneer wagon! Ellie had never gotten to ride in it before. Now if I can just talk him into having sex in it... ha! But, business first. She was sitting on the bench thing in the front and Joel was beside her, driving two horses at once. She couldn't even see where the wall ended when she looked to their left. "You built all this? Wow..."

"Me?" Joel scoffed. "How the hell would I have done it?"

"You were up here for weeks -- that felt like months!" she reminded him. Except actually, it had only been--

"It was one week. One. It was s'posed to be longer, but someone--"

"I know, I know," Ellie said impatiently. "Well, you helped. Fuck -- it's like a mini Jackson!" Although calling it 'mini' felt wrong, because the wall was fucking huge.

"I didn't help much with this part. Last time up, they were still waitin' on materials."

"Which is what we're going to be doing now, for our teensy tiny little wall," Ellie lamented. "Unless someone fucked up the measurements and sent extra, like you said!"

Joel chuckled. "To the tune of a few thousand bricks? Unlikely. Even if they did, this dinky lil' wagon ain't big enough to get 'em all home."

"Multiple trips, that's all. Big deal!"

"Too many multiple trips for my likin'," Joel replied. "This is one-and-done, as far as I'm concerned. Tommy said the wagon might do okay with two thousand pounds, but that's pushin' it. And we need more than that anyhow. What we really need is that eighteen-wheeler."

Why does he keep saying that?! Unless Joel planned on building their wall, like... five times as tall as it needed to be? Ellie failed to see why they needed such a large vehicle. She suspected he was just messing with her. "Whatever! Those are for sleeping in -- or fighting on top of!" she snickered. "They don't actually move."

"Ha. You'll see... next time they send it down instead of the movin' truck, anyhow."

"I hope they do!" If Joel wasn't just messing with her, the plan was to see how much they still needed after today's outing and then send an order with whoever was going to Idaho next. 'Order' as in a request for more, not like... a demand for them to send whatever. Ellie kind of wanted to ride in the fabled vehicle... or even just a regular moving truck... but only if Joel was the driver. They all belonged to the military, though, so... yeah. That was out.

She looked around as Joel veered to their right, following the wall to... where? "So how do we... where's the little thingie?" she asked.

"He said look for a telephone pole. ...You know what those are, don'tcha?"

Ellie gave him a withering look. "I hope you're teasing. Of course I know what they are! You told me they're really utility poles but people call them telephone poles just cuz that's what they've always been called. We've only seen a million of them on the way out here! And in California! Remember -- you accused me of trying to get you electrocuted when I volunteered you to get some power for the resort?"

"That's right. Forgot about that. Well, these ones ain't operational either, far as I know... they figured the thing would blend in on it, though. Looks like a transformer or somethin'. -There -- I bet that's it."

It was the only pole in the vicinity, so -- assuming he had gone the right direction along the wall -- he had to be right. "Way over there?"

"This used to be the front. Guess they want people comin' in closer to the house now. Or maybe the intercom don't have that long of a range."

"So... over there should be the front if it's closer to the house, shouldn't it? Like... don't make visitors trample through your fields to get to you, right?"

"There's a clear path up to the house, smartass. It's nicer-lookin' on this side... the front of the place, compared to the side or the back. No one cares about that anymore though, so--"

"I care! I like nice-looking things."

Joel chuckled. "No you don't: you're with me."

She slugged his arm. "Hey! Fuck you! You're the best-looking guy in town. In the whole world! -Which is the only reason I'm with you, if you must know," she teased.

"Christ... we need to find you some glasses, kiddo."

"Joel, shut up! Are you serious?" Sometimes he just plain liked to mess with her... but sometimes he liked to throw in some half-truths when he did. "Do you really think you're ugly?! How can you think that? Oh my God -- it's all my fault. I'm your girlfriend -- I'm supposed to make you--"

"Calm down... damn, I was just tryin' to be funny. Trust me, I know I'm the hottest catch in Jackson County," he smirked, confident as fuck. Then he gave her a sidelong glance. "That better?"

"Yes!" she laughed, shoving him playfully with her shoulder... and taking the opportunity to just keep leaning into him. "If only you weren't just bullshitting."

"Let's just agree I'm somewhere in the middle. As far as old geezers go."

"Um, no... we'll have to agree to disagree if you think that. You're not a geezer -- and you're smokin' hot, not just average. You just like to say-- oh! And you know what else? Your dick isn't just average, either. It's fucking ginormous."

"Ellie--"

"I knew you were gonna 'Ellie' me for that!" she giggled. "Even though there's no one aaaaanywhere near us. You're so predictable."

"We're almost in. You've gotta be good now."

"First I had to be good cuz we were Out, now I have to be good cuz we're In?"

"Yep."

She wriggled up to whisper in his ear. "What if I wanna have my way with you in the wagon?" It has like a tarp thing over it, so he really shouldn't have any objections...

"Then... you'd best just have yourself a little fantasy about it, 'cause it ain't gonna happen."

"You think so, huh? We'll see about that," she snickered softly, nipping at his ear.

He didn't exactly push her back... it was more like a nudge... but he made it clear he was all business. A little too clear for Ellie's liking.

"You could act like you might actually enjoy that, you know," she pouted.

"And you could act like you're s'posed to when we're in public," he retorted.

"There's nothing wrong with daughters whispering--"

"Knock it off. You were hangin' on me, kissin' me--"

"Oh, you're exaggerating. I was just... playing a little. It wasn't sexual."

He gave her a hard look before pulling up on the reins. "Go flip that cover up an' see if there's a keypad under it. I'm sure you remember the numbers."

She did; Joel had relayed them to her because he liked to say her mind was a steel trap -- meaning they'd stay in there. "Yes sir," she grumbled, making sure to roll her eyes at him before sliding off the seat (in case he didn't already know what she thought of his uber-business...ness!). The lid didn't just flip right up, though. She looked for a little tab or switch or something to pull on.

"It's prob'ly got a--"

"I've got it!" she called back in annoyance... even though she hadn't got it yet. The thing wouldn't budge. She was starting to wonder if there was another box on another pole that they were supposed to go to. There's a gate here, though... this HAS to be it... She heard Joel walking up behind her. Time's up, I guess! "The fucking thing must be busted," she sighed.

"Lemme see." ...And then Joel just flipped the cover right up!

"How did you..."

"I'll show you. See this down here? You have to push it in first, then pull it up an' out." He demonstrated, then snapped it shut. "Now you do it."

She crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. "But how did you just know-- oh, so this was here when you were up here last! You liar!"

Joel chuckled. "No, I've jus' seen this type of contraption before, that's all. Go ahead."

"No, Mr. Know-it-all, do it yourself, since you're the expert," she sneered.

"I'm no expert. I'm just old."

"You sent me over here to do it cuz you knew I would fail! You wanted me to fail so you could swoop in and--"

"Jesus Christ, Ellie, do you hear yourself? It's a goddamn... box on a pole. Not some... test... or whatever you seem to think. It was on your side of the wagon, and you were curious about it -- that's why I sent you over."

Okay, I might have overreacted just a little... but-- "I'm not touching that stupid thing again. It's all yours." She looked pointedly away -- at the gate they were trying to open, wishing it wasn't so solid that she couldn't see beyond it.

Joel muttered something under his breath and opened the lid again. "You wanna punch in the numbers, at least?"

"You can do that, too," she said dismissively, her attention drawn to the farm now. She heard some kind of power tool noise coming from behind the big two-story house, and wondered what it was doing...

"I can't. I don't remember the numbers."

She glanced back at him. "Yeah, right."

"I'm serious," he insisted, looking quite serious.

Why can I still never tell when he's lying?! Joel seemed to think she could tell, but she couldn't really. Not always. She just happened to guess right sometimes. These numbers were so easy to remember that she figured he had to be lying this time. "I guess you'd better look at your paper, then," she advised haughtily.

"Can't. Left it at home, since I brought you with me."

"Yeah right!" she snorted. "Mr. Prepared-For-Anything deliberately left something useful at home?"

"Which is it, then... am I Know-It-All, or Prepared-For-Anythin'? You gave me two new last names in the past sixty seconds."

"Well, you're both, so I guess it's one of those hyphenated names that some people have. Like if they can't make up their mind about which one to use."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Mr. Know-It-All-dash-Prepared-For-Anythin'? Bit long, ain't it?"

"Will you just type in the fucking numbers already?! Fuck."

"I told you, I can't. I don't--"

"If we keep fighting, someone will eventually hear us and let us in anyway! Or see us... somehow... I guess maybe if they're on the second floor of the house... which, why would they be up there, looking out the window... when everyone else is working..." She felt that Joel really didn't have to be so concerned about her inappropriate behavior earlier; no one on ground level could see shit!

"Good thing they've got this whatchamacallit here instead. Are you gonna help me out or do I have to guess the goddamn numbers?"

She glared at him. "You really have no idea."

"I really don't. Starts with a seven, that's all I remember."

"Practically the whole thing is sevens! Now do you remember?"

Joel turned to the keypad and started slowly punching in the numbers while Ellie watched. "Seven... seven..."

"Nooooo," she groaned. "I said practically -- erase that second one! How do you erase?"

"Can't erase. I'll just have to finish it." He typed in two more sevens, and they both looked at the gate, even though they knew it wouldn't move. "Damn. Well, that's that. It's locked up now 'cause it thinks we were tryin' to break in."

Ellie's eyes widened. "So we're stuck out here 'til someone hears us and comes over?"

" 'fraid so. All because you wouldn't help me," he said lightly.

He's totally bullshitting me now! (Maybe she could tell sometimes.) Exasperated, Ellie marched up to the thing and typed in the correct code. "Seven, four, seven, seven. There." She turned to watch the gate open. It started to swing slowly inwards, much like the Jackson gates. "So how do we close it once we're inside? There's no guards here to do it."

"It's on a timer. We've got ten seconds to get inside... better hurry!"

What the fuck? "Ten-- yeah right!" She watched calmly as Joel tried to sell it by hopping back up on the wagon seat in a hurry.

He actually smiled this time. "Went to the well once too often."

"...What? What well?"

"Means I would've had you if it weren't for you figurin' out the locked keypad thing just now. You disproved that real quick. C'mon up." He patted the seat. "It really is on a timer... I think it's only a minute or two."

Ellie climbed back up next to him. "I still don't see what that has to do with a well."

"Just an old expression. You keep goin' to it and it eventually runs out."

Joel steered the wagon toward the bunkhouse. At least, he said that's where they were going; the house must have been blocking it from view. The land between them and the house really was pretty ugly on this side. All dirt -- not even the patchiest of grass -- with ruts and marks in it, like wheels had gone through the mud and left their tracks to dry. It was a bumpy ride through the ruts. "Okay, I'm done with this thing," Ellie decided, hopping off without waiting for Joel to 'whoa' the horses. "With this tarp in the way, I can't even see if the gate is gonna close behind us!"

She stood there and watched as it started to slowly swing shut, not unlike the gates at Jackson... except no one was controlling this one. Allegedly. There could be someone minding it from the house, for all she knew. Joel could have just made up the timer thing.

The wagon kept trundling on toward the side of the house, and Ellie found she was mildly annoyed that Joel hadn't stopped and told her to get back in. Nor had he scolded her for jumping off. Wait... it bugs me that he's NOT yelling at me? What the fuck is wrong with me? She was just... so used to Joel acting a certain way that sometimes it surprised her when he didn't. It doesn't mean anything, she reminded herself. He had moods that could influence his actions, just like anyone else. Including herself. She didn't always do what Joel expected her to, either.

It just made her want to do something here and now that Joel wouldn't expect. First, she had to figure out what Joel would expect her to do, and then not do that. Some part of her brain registered this little game as petty, or silly... that Joel would never think this way, if their positions were reversed... but it didn't dull the urge to do it. We ARE pretty different, really, even though that makes no sense cuz we're like the same person?! -Okay so I think he'd expect me to just follow the wagon, maybe run to catch up to it... thinking I'd wanna stick close to him cuz this place is unfamiliar to me and I don't know some of these people... nope! I'm going up to the house. I'll see if anyone's in there, and if I don't know them, I'll just introduce myself. This farm was affiliated with Jackson, so Ellie had already filed it in the "our people" category. She didn't have to know them personally to know they didn't pose a threat.

She did follow the wagon somewhat... just angled her path much closer to the house. She had to go around if she wanted to knock on the front door (because usually if a house had both a front and a back door, it was customary to knock on the front -- even if the back one wasn't all boarded up or whatever), and she thought Joel should mentally thank her for staying in his line of sight. That should let him know I'm not mad at him! If I was mad, I'd stay in a blind spot as punishment -- not hard to do with that big old tarp blocking his rear view.

...Except she was pretty sure Joel's brain wouldn't even register nuances like that. Okay so whatever! I'm just GOING.

As Ellie traipsed around to the front, she admired the cheerful-looking house... the walls freshly painted a creamy-white color, the shutters -- and what Joel would call the 'trim' -- a cool gray. She knew the house was actually built before she was even born, but it looked so nice and new! The boards on the stairs and the porch were not-squeaky, and relatively clean. Oops, did I get mud on my shoes? The welcome mat looked almost too nice to wipe her shoes on -- surely that was new, at least -- but wipe them she did (taking care to avoid muddying up the cool black cow silhouette, at least). Already wearing her nice-to-meet-you smile, she knocked on the door.

The person who answered was definitely not who she was expecting. Christine, however, had to be even more surprised to see Ellie. "You're back? That's just great. What are you doing here?"

Ellie instantly dropped the smile. She didn't care to explain her presence, so she ignored the question. "I heard you were up here," she replied coolly. "Didn't know you liked farming so much. ...Oh, wait -- you don't. That's why you're hanging out in the family house while the others are out in the fields doing all the planting and stuff."

"For your information, I live here now," Christine sneered. "So it's my house, too. And you're not welcome here."

Ellie's eyebrows shot up. "Your house? Um, workers live in the other building. The bunkhouse. Not that you're even working... but you're not family. So unless you married that Nolan guy, I think that--"

"For your information," Christine repeated --clearly in love with the phrase for some reason, "it's not finished yet. Only the guys live there right now. And Nolan's already married. Even if he wasn't... banging gross old dudes is your thing, not mine."

Did she really just-- "You fucking bitch!" Ellie couldn't help it; the cunt knew how to make her lose her cool. So much for bygones and shit! But Ellie didn't lunge at her (this time). She noted that Christine had taken a step back, like she was preparing to shut the door if she needed to protect herself. "You don't know what you're talking about. As usual. And Nolan's wife better watch out for you. Does she know you don't care if your... your target -- your victim -- is in a relationship already? That you'll spread your legs for any dick that wanders near your skanky ass? -Your skanky pussy?" she amended... although 'ass' worked just as well, if not better.

The bitch's face was on fire (not an attractive look on her), and Ellie braced for one of two reactions: the door slamming in her face, or the skank's fist trying to connect with her face. But neither of those things happened. Christine actually laughed. It certainly wasn't laughter borne of amusement; Ellie figured the cunt was stalling while she tried to think up a suitable comeback to that.

"I didn't know being called out for being a slut was so funny," Ellie said innocently. "Kinda expected you to deck me -- even though I'm just speaking the fucking truth -- but... oh yeah, that's right -- last time we got into it, I owned you. Pfffff. ...Gee, I'm sorry, I didn't know your face could get any uglier, but it looks like you never recovered from that. Is that why Jacob dumped your skanky ass?" (Yeah, 'ass' does sound better) Never mind the fact that Ellie knew Jacob and Christine had broken up before that. She just couldn't resist that dig!

Christine scowled at her. "For your information, I dumped him -- and fighting like a dude the way you do--"

"You did? Funny, he says he dumped you. You're both lying pieces of shit, so I guess I'll never know the real story. He said... what was it... you were so bad in bed, that he would rather--"

"You are so full of shit. Jacob hates you. He would never tell you anything -- even lies like that."

"Oh wouldn't he? You just keep telling yourself that." Ha! Let her wonder! Ellie wasn't sorry that the slut had interrupted her, as she hadn't actually thought up an adequate he-would-rather insult to finish that sentence. Why did I not prepare some fucking material in advance? ...Because I didn't PLAN to get into it with her... Wait -- I interrupted HER before, though, and that was weird-- "What did you mean about fighting like a dude?"

Christine blinked. "Um... that I'm more of a lady than you are? In case you didn't--"

"Lady of the evening, you mean," Ellie scoffed. Oh SNAP-- good one, Ellie! ...except Christine didn't seem to get it. Ellie only knew the term because she'd had to ask Joel what it meant (and she hadn't even been trying to make him uncomfortable, that time!). He DID say it was old-fashioned... like, before HIS time, even... Annie would totally get it, though, when Ellie shared this exchange with her later. She probably knows more about ANCIENT history than Joel, even! "You don't know what that saying is for, do you. Let me rephrase: whore, prostitute, skank, slut -- take your pick--"

"I know a better one -- about a pot and a kettle... yessss, the pot calling the kettle black."

Uh... what?

Christine smirked. "Let me rephrase, bitch: you're the slut. Everyone in town knows it. Handing out BJs to any boy who-- any man -- yeah. The older, the better, but still--"

"You started those nasty rumors, knowing full well it was all a lie!" Ellie knew her time was limited now; she saw Joel approaching in her peripheral vision (and she wasn't surprised that he hadn't simply continued driving to the bunkhouse without her). He hadn't parked that far away, but it was beyond the front of the house, out of Christine's view. If only I could get her to incriminate herself before she realizes Joel's right there-- "Just admit it! I know it was you! You and that cocksucker Jacob!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," the bitch said innocently... smugly. "I was as surprised as the next person to hear it. I mean... like... why would anyone let you near their junk in the first place?"

Fuck... THINK... but Joel's almost here, so be cool... She shook her head, chuckling to herself to buy a moment to think. "It's so sad. You're so insecure about yourself that you have to take it out on--"

"What's goin' on here?" She heard Joel coming up the porch steps. Saying exactly what she had expected him to.

Christine blanched for a moment before schooling her ugly features back into a sneer. "Should've known you brought your guard dog with you."

Ellie snorted. "He's not my-- I don't need a guard. Like you said -- I fight like a dude! Right, Joel?" She glanced back at him.

He was wearing his customary resting frown, which betrayed nothing of his true mood, or feelings, or thoughts... it just tended to make people think he was angry. "Let's go," was all he said.

"But Christine here was just about to admit that she's the one who started all that shit last year," Ellie protested. "Weren't you, Christine?"

"It wasn't me, you stupid--" The bitch cut herself off this time, perhaps thinking better of whatever she'd been about to call Ellie with Joel standing right there. Ellie couldn't decide if she was annoyed or amused by that; it wasn't like Joel was going to hit Christine for calling Ellie some stupid name (man, wouldn't that be AWESOME, though?!).

"If it wasn't you, who was it, then?" Joel asked tersely.

"How should I know? I had nothing to do with it! I heard it from like... ten different people!"

"You mean you told it TO ten different people," Ellie corrected her. "You're prob'ly the one who threw that rock, too. Just admit it!"

"That wasn't me!"

"Sure it wasn't. Who else hates us so much?" Ellie resisted the urge to look back at Joel again... but he must have been giving Christine quite the deathglare, because the color had drained from her face... and if that's not FEAR in her eyes, I don't know what it is...

When Joel spoke, though, the words came out all level and rational. "Look. If you come clean now, we can talk--"

"I--I can't -- I mean I didn't do it!" she spluttered. "I swear to God!"

A tense pause. "You sure you wanna go that way?" he asked her.

"It's the truth!" the bitch replied.

Did her face turn red again cuz she's lying, or is it self-righteous anger, or what? Ellie wondered. Oh God, I hope Joel can tell!

Joel was still, as Ellie liked to put it, maddeningly calm. " 'Cause if I find out it was you -- doin' either of those things... and then on top of that, you lied about it... to my face..."

Ellie didn't have to look at Joel now; she could 'see' his expression perfectly, as she'd heard him threaten people before.

To her credit, Christine didn't cower like the wuss that she was. "What, you'll... kill me? Kick my ass?" she taunted.

She's fucking TAUNTING Joel now?!

"Neither." (...And apparently he didn't give a shit about her tone.) "But you'll regret it. I will make you pay, little girl."

"I didn't do it!" the bitch repeated, looking a little more appropriately scared.

"Good. Then you've got nothin' to worry about. As long as you leave Ellie alone. ...C'mon, kiddo."

Ugh, did he have to add that last bit about leaving me alone?! "Joel, gimme a sec, would you? I, uh... need to say goodbye to my friend here."

Joel frowned -- actually frown-frowned, not resting-frowned. "I don't think--"

"I won't touch her, I promise."

He clearly didn't want to, but he gave in. "Ten seconds."

"I only need five." She smiled at him sweetly, waited for him to walk away, then turned back to the cunt and scowled in her best imitation of Joel. "He might not kick your ass, but I will," she said in a low enough voice that even Joel with his bat-like hearing couldn't catch it (hooray for construction noises right over there!). "And I won't just break your ugly nose next time."

Christine snorted through said ugly nose. "Whatever. Run on back to Daddy. ...Go suck his dick," she added nastily.

Be like Joel, she commanded herself; she didn't want to give Christine any further satisfaction of seeing her get angry over remarks like that. Oh -- I've got it!-- "You know... I would? But I took care of that in the wagon already, so he's good," she smirked. "Bye!"

The shock on the bitch's face was fucking priceless! Ellie nearly burst out laughing -- she had to quickly turn her back on Christine so as not to ruin the perfection of the moment by showing more than smirk-level amusement. She hurried down the steps and over to Joel before she lost her composure. Okay, so that was very much NOT like Joel... Joel would probably be pissed at her for saying that, actually. He would say she was just adding fuel to the fire, giving the skank more lies to spread -- lies from Ellie's own mouth. But seriously, who would believe it? Ellie had been so totally -- so obviously -- sarcastic just now. And the funny thing is, it's ALMOST true -- only it'll be on the way OUT of here, and I'll be FUCKing him, not SUCKing him!

"You look awfully pleased with yourself," Joel observed.

"Oh, I am!" Ellie admitted, falling in step with him as they headed back to the wagon. "I had it handled, you know. You didn't have to come over. I wasn't going to hit her this time."

"Uh-huh," Joel replied in that way that meant he didn't believe her. "Seemed like you were a little upset, though. Like she was provokin' you. What happened to what you said last night?"

"Uh... what did I say?" Ellie typically babbled so much that she couldn't always pick out what he was referring to, even with context.

"Your... epiphany? About... schoolyard bullshit, I think you called it?"

"Oh, that. Pfff. I didn't hit her, did I?" she pointed out. "-Hey, you called her a little girl... she's actually older than me. You know that, right?"

Joel chuckled. "And your point is?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "She's not a little girl! Cuz I'm not a little girl, and she's older! See how that works?" Hmm, he does like to call me 'little girl' sometimes... it was a playful thing, though. And he clearly hadn't been playing with Christine just now.

Joel mussed her hair, messing up her ponytail. "You're my baby girl. Always will be."

For some reason, the sweetness of that innocent sentiment sparked something wicked inside Ellie. "I told her I blew you in the wagon," she snickered, delighting in the flicker of surprise she detected in his otherwise-still-cool expression.

"Why the hell would you--"

"I was joking -- like totally sarcastic! I just wanted to see the look on her face! See -- cuz all I do is deny it, right? So instead--"

Joel cut her off with a groan. "Never mind -- this ain't the time or the place to discuss it. We'll talk about it later. Why were you talkin' to that girl in the first place? For the record, if you wanna spy on someone, it usually means sneakin' around to where they don't even know you're there, not... confrontin' 'em directly."

"I didn't know she was gonna answer the door!"

He was scowling as they climbed back up on the bench; Ellie kept a respectful distance. "Was anyone else in there?" he asked. "Anyone who heard your... little comment?"

"No!" Er... not that I know of? Ellie actually wasn't sure if anyone else had been within earshot, silently enjoying the show... but admitting as much to Joel would only trigger a lecture. The bunkhouse was close enough that driving almost seemed silly (although it would also be silly to leave the wagon out there in between the two houses). We don't have long and I HAVE to know-- "Okay, so tell me: was she lying?"

Joel hesitated before answering. "Hard to say. We know she ain't completely innocent. She definitely helped... perpetuate the rumors. Spread 'em... prob'ly embellished 'em an' whatnot. But that don't place her at our house that night -- either of the nights in question. And she was a bit... flustered... but I think she might've been sincere when she said it wasn't her."

Ellie groaned. "She's a good liar! She fooled Annie -- she let Annie think she was her friend! Oh man... if she can fool you, too--"

"Not bein' sure ain't the same as bein' completely snowed by someone," Joel protested. "Never said we should trust her. Or that you two should kiss'n'make up."

"Eww! Fuck that. I would've been nice to her, if she hadn't given me attitude the second she opened the door." Or, at least Ellie liked to think she would have. "You know she said she lives there? Just cuz she's 'working' on the farm -- pretending to."

"She's stayin' there 'til the bunkhouse renovations are done. Her and any other girls that come up here."

"What? Why? Too noisy and dusty for them? It's not like the guys are working on it all night. Right?"

"There's no place for 'em, is the problem. For the girls. No separate rooms... facilities."

"Is that all?" Ellie scoffed. "That shouldn't bother a skank like her. She can just hop from one dude's bed to the--"

"Ellie, knock it off. I know you don't like her, but that don't mean she's... remember all the things you used to call Sophie?"

...Seriously? "That was different! I was wrong about Sophie -- I'm not wrong about Christine."

"No? Hasn't she been with just the one boy?"

"Yeah -- but it was Annie's fucking boyfriend! And now she's--" --shit, Ellie, shut up already -- you promised you wouldn't tell!

"She's what?" Joel prompted.

"Nothing," Ellie sighed. "It's just that... Jacob was so obviously just looking to get his rocks off. He liked her big tits and open legs-- wide open--"

"Ellie-- just-- ...let's just forget it. Craig's comin' in to greet us so be nice, all right?"

"I'm always nice to him! You mean cool it on the dirty talk," Ellie snickered. It never gets old... she still loved making Joel squirm. But she would behave with Craig and whoever else, and keep her opinions of their skanky 'coworker' to herself.

There's only one person up here who NEEDS to know the truth about her...

* * * * * * *

Ellie had been hoping to observe Christine and Colton from the shadows... to see if she could determine whether her friend's hunch was right, or if Annie was possibly just a little paranoid after everything that had happened with Jacob. The problem was that Colton and the whore were never actually alone together. Colton was outside planting with everyone else while Christine was just lounging around the house.

Okay, maybe not JUST lounging... she was single-handedly making lunch for like a couple dozen people, and Ellie would have to grudgingly count that as work. Apparently Christine was the person who usually did it, and overall, she spent minimal time in the fields. Which made Ellie wonder... did she just completely suck at farm work? Did she absolutely despise it? ...Maybe both? If it wasn't something along those lines, maybe she just wasn't that into Colton after all. Because when Ellie was first trying to make Joel love her, she would have signed up to work with him in a heartbeat if she had to -- if it would've given her the opportunity to succeed in her mission. She just hadn't had to resort to that, since they lived together and spent much of their free time together as it was, giving her shitloads of opportunities. What did Christine have? Group meals... probably very little else. Was that really enough for her?

Joel didn't want to stay long, so Ellie tried to glean as much intel as possible from lunch. He wanted to eat outside somewhere, as some of the workers were doing, but she insisted that they squeeze in at the dining room table -- because that's where Christine and Colton were eating (with three people between them, she was happy to note). Naturally, Joel had expected her to want to be as far away from the bitch as possible, so this confused him. "Is this a keep-your-enemies-closer type thing?" he'd taken her aside to ask.

His comment almost made Ellie wish that she hadn't antagonized Christine earlier. She loved that motto about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. If she had taken the high road with the cunt -- like, if she had fake-apologized and made her think she wanted to be friends again and stuff -- maybe Christine would have let her guard down and confessed shit to Ellie. That was probably a long shot, if they were only going to be here for as short a time as Joel wanted... but who knows? Maybe she was dying for someone to talk to? Ellie would assume she dearly missed her roommate/BFF Olivia. At the very least, maybe she would have given Ellie more to go on here, because the slut wouldn't be wasting half of their lunchtime shooting her dirty looks. Too little too late, but Ellie either ignored these or gave her a little smile in return. Like, not an evil grin or a superior sneer or any other flavor of smile that wasn't meant to be a kind gesture. (Basically just to fuck with her, at this point.) Christine never returned them. Just kept glaring.

If the skank was trying to convey her hatred of Ellie to Colton, however, she seemed to be wasting her time; Colton took pretty much no notice of Christine (and not for lack of trying on Christine's part, Ellie noted with interest). In fact, Ellie was pretty sure that if there was anyone Annie did need to worry about, it wasn't Christine... it was this new Idaho chick named Frankie. Except... well, Frankie wasn't what Ellie would consider pretty. Like, at all. She dressed like a guy... which, to be fair, Ellie kinda did too... along with plenty of other people -- men's clothes tended to be more practical. But her features were masculine enough that Ellie even mistook her for a guy at first (couldn't Frankie be a boy name too?). Her hair was hidden under a trucker's cap (or so Joel called them -- even though no one trucked anymore), with maybe a tiny ponytail in the back, though Ellie never got a decent view of it... it might have just been extremely short. If Frankie had any boobs to speak of, they were well-hidden under the baggy overalls and flannel shirt. Even her voice wasn't all that feminine... kind of loud and obnoxious-sounding. Ellie only knew for certain she was a woman when someone referred to her in the third person. The thing that made Ellie suspicious of her was that out of everyone at the table, Colton interacted with her the most... her and his brother, Logan. The three of them came across as very good friends.

In spite of her worries, by the time they'd finished eating, Ellie had decided Frankie was her favorite person at the table (besides Joel, naturally). She was high-spirited, funny as fuck, and -- perhaps best of all -- Christine was clearly not a fan. Frankie was quite a bit older than Colton (Ellie did manage to get her to disclose that she was thirty-three), but that didn't necessarily matter -- obviously! Fuck, compared to me and Joel, everyone else is practically the same age as each other! There were about fourteen years between Colton and Frankie, which was less than half the number of years between herself and Joel. And besides that, Joel had told her it wasn't as skeevy when the woman was the older one. So sexist -- and dumb!

When it was time to go, Ellie had made a point of seeking out Christine to "thank her for lunch." (She refrained from mentioning that if the sandwiches hadn't all just been sitting there on the platter up for grabs, she never would've eaten anything the bitch had her hands in because she didn't trust her not to spit in hers -- or worse.) Christine didn't buy Ellie's sweetness act for one second, but she didn't call her out, either -- probably because Joel was with her... or maybe she just really wants me to leave! And Ellie had been all prepared to act like Christine was insanely imaginative if she dared to reference the blow job remark -- whether it was in front of the group or not -- but Christine never brought it up.

"Was that really necessary?" Joel asked as they headed out to the wagon.

"What, saying bye to her? Yes! Because you're right -- I need to keep my enemies close." Maybe she'll forget that I just threatened to kick her ass a couple hours ago? -Actually, it didn't even matter now; by all appearances, Christine didn't have a chance in hell with Colton. I think Annie's probably right about her interest in him, though... and I wouldn't put it past her to try something sneaky...

"So... your super-secret recon mission. Was it a success?"

Ellie sighed. "Yes and no. I didn't learn... what I thought I would." And I can't tell you anything else! Sorry! Don't make me have to say it!

But thankfully, Joel didn't ask her anything else... if only because he had the wagon and horses to busy himself with. Ellie waited by the gate button near the back door until he called to her from the bench/seat thing. Then she pressed the button and scrambled to join him.

Joel chuckled. "I think the two minutes starts after they get all the way open. Otherwise someone travelin' by themselves wouldn't have time to--"

"Whatever! Just -- no need to waste time moving slow, right?" She smirked at him. "I can't believe you had to check the wagon -- like look inside it -- because... what, maybe some hunter snuck in while we were eating lunch?"

"I was makin' sure everythin' we loaded up was still as we left it."

Which... was almost as bad, really. "Really? It's so heavy -- who's gonna steal it?"

"Maybe it wasn't sittin' right and somethin' fell over."

He's so cute! "Oh no! Maybe the weight wouldn't be perfectly evenly distributed then! One little brick might break the wagon!"

He was annoyingly immune to her teasing. "The more even it is, the better. That's all."

She suspected it was just so ingrained in him to check things out after leaving their sight that he couldn't help himself. Because he couldn't just drive off when there was even the slightest possibility there was a stowaway, or that some stuff was missing or messed up... whatever. He had to have the image in his head of what it looked like right now or it would drive him crazy. SO cute. "Love you, Joel." She kissed his cheek, even (they were out of sight of everyone, so he shouldn't care).

"You'll love me even more when we don't bust an axle on the way back."

"I will," she had to agree. "I already love you more for letting me go see the animals and stuff instead of doing all that boring loading." She may have orchestrated that herself by shooting a yearning look or two in the direction of the paddocks when she knew he would see it...

"Like I said. Sometimes it's faster when you don't help me."

Which was true -- and it wasn't like he didn't have plenty of people helping him. If he hadn't let her go, they would still be there visiting all the animals right now, because Ellie couldn't just ignore them -- especially the transplants she knew from Jackson! -- so it was definitely in his best interest to not have her help.

They drove through the gate and turned right. Ellie leaned out to watch behind them to make sure it closed; she had to watch for kind of a long time before it actually did. Even the slowest of slow pokes would have no trouble getting through that thing. Someone could totally just wait there for someone to leave and then go right on in, she couldn't help thinking -- by listening to the Joel voice in her head, really -- but, with as little traffic as the farm apparently got, they could be waiting for days and days... if it was a group of hunters, they'd find another way in if they really wanted to. Ellie had observed rifles mounted over both doors in the house, and some of the residents were armed as well... I guess it'll have to be enough. But I'm really glad we live somewhere with even MORE protection.

And, as she so often did, she felt extremely lucky to be with Joel. It didn't matter that bad shit had happened to them -- Ellie still felt safer with him than with anyone else. I will ALWAYS feel this way! Because it's not just a feeling -- I AM safest with him. It's just fucking TRUE.

Joel was frowning up at the sky. "Don't think we're gonna make it home before this hits."

"Which is why we should've just stuck around to wait it out," she complained. He had been really quick to shoot down that suggestion at lunch.

"And come home in the dark? No thank you. I told you, we can't go as fast on the way back with a full--"

"You don't know if it would've been dark -- maybe this'll be one of those quickies!" Ellie snickered. "Speaking of quickies..."

"No," Joel said without even a hint of amusement. "You wanna tell me what your lunch antics were all about?"

"My... antics?" she laughed. "No, not really."

"Tell me anyhow."

"I don't know what you mean! What antics?"

"Bein' friendly to that girl, for one thing, but I think we established it's honey versus vinegar. Besides--"

"It's what?"

"Like keepin' your enemies closer. 'You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,' is the expression I was referrin' to. Not just that. Just... you seemed pretty comfortable with the group..."

"So?!"

"Let me finish," he chuckled. "Usually when you're comfortable, you like talkin' to people. Especially when they're tryin' to talk to you. And especially-especially when a subject comes up that you happen to love."

She wondered what he was getting at. "What, the Beatles thing? There were so many people talking at once I just didn't hear him!"

"There were also a couple times when people asked about California -- I answered 'em 'cause you weren't payin' attention, and even then, you didn't--"

"Maybe I'm just sick of talking about it," she said defensively.

"I don't think so. I think you were real interested in some of the other conversations goin' on. Conversations you weren't even participatin' in... for the most part."

Well, if he insists on grilling me about it, I might as well get his opinion! She could do that without betraying Annie. "Joel, did you notice anything like... do you think there might be something going on with Colton and that Frankie chick?"

The question seemed to surprise him. "Uh... don' know, don't care. Why do you care?"

"I'm just wondering! At first I thought... maybe? Like cuz he laughed at her little jokes and stuff? But then I thought, well, no, that could just be cuz she was actually funny. And they didn't try to touch each other or anything... but maybe just cuz that's hard to do when they're not sitting next to each other, right? I mean, she can't exactly just lean across Logan to randomly poke him in the arm. Kinda rude. Besides that -- the vibe was more like a... like a one of the guys thing, with her. The only time she really emphasized being a girl was the bathroom thing -- and like, okay, referring to private parts might be considered flirting -- except it was funny, and they weren't being flirty, really? Neither of them. At least I don't think they were. Do you think so? -Wait -- never mind, you didn't even notice I was in love with you for a million years. Oh -- not just that -- cuz maybe I'm bad at flirting -- or I was back then? I think I'm better now -- but you didn't even notice when fucking Sophie was flirting with you, back when I thought she was a skank! So why am I even asking you? You're like... completely oblivious to all this stuff, aren't you." She patted his arm. "It's okay. You're not stupid, you're just a guy."

Joel waited a moment to answer, like he was unsure if it was his turn to speak now. "Those two things ain't mutually exclusive, as I'm sure you know," he chuckled. "Is that why you were so distracted? All this shit was goin' through your brain an' you were tryin' to sort it out?"

"I guess? So -- okay. Not to be mean, but... Frankie's not really... pretty. Right? She's not ugly or anything, just not..." Actually, that word had crossed Ellie's mind at first, but by the end of lunch, she thought the woman had a really nice -- and infectious -- smile, and that she was almost pretty, in a certain way. She's definitely prettier than fugly old Christine!

"Is this some kind of test?" Joel asked warily.

"What? No... why would it be a test?"

"Am I s'posed to agree with you or disagree with you? Just tell me the right answer so I can say it an' not get myself in trouble."

"There's no 'right answer', I'm asking your opinion!" she huffed.

"Uh-huh."

He's being all weird about this because... WHY? ...Holy shit -- should I be worried about JOEL liking her? Ellie had pretty much ignored Joel entirely through the whole meal. Maybe she should've been paying more attention to his reactions to Frankie! "Oh my God... do you like her?"

"Sure. You do, too -- I could tell."

Aaargh, he's so-- "No, I mean-- do you like her," Ellie clarified. "Like that."

He seemed to find this amusing. "Now you're jealous? Didn't see that comin'. Guess I should have. Every time we get around new--"

"Do you or don't you?" Ellie asked impatiently... although she took his amusement as a good sign. At least he's not defensive and angry, like he gets sometimes if I say something that's true but he doesn't wanna admit it?

"Of course not. I only have eyes for one person. And she's sittin' right next to me."

Ellie scooted closer to him, mollified. "Okay then."

"Even if she does drive me crazy sometimes... behaves in ways I don't understand..."

She smiled slyly. "All part of my charm-- no, my mystery. I'm a mystery novel -- a really good one! -- and you have to keep turning the pages to see what happens next."

He slung his arm around her and drew her in close. "I'm hooked, all right."

Ellie leaned into him happily. "Okay... so you didn't answer my first question. Which was not a test, by the way. Do you think, like... -If someone liked Frankie a lot, they would think she's pretty, right? Because she's... not ugly.... she's just not... you know..."

"She ain't you. But, no one is, so... that ain't a fair standard to judge by."

"Whatever," Ellie mumbled. "So... yes?"

Joel kissed the top of her head. "Homely, I think is the word you're lookin' for. Not attractive in the traditional sense, maybe, but she's got other things goin' for her, personality-wise. Sometimes... a person can grow on ya. They get more attractive the more you get to know 'em. Now, do I think that that boy has a thing for her? No clue. I'd still like to know why you care. Is this about him, or about her?"

Ellie groaned. "It's about... I'm just curious, okay? Jeez, just forget it. Didn't think you were gonna make such a big thing of it."

"I'm the one makin' a big thing of it?"

"Yes!"

"All right, well, if you're satisfied with my answer now, we can just drop it."

"Good! ...Oh man -- did you feel that?"

"Feel what?"

"It's sprinkling! Fuck!"

"...I don't feel it. Might be your imagination. Looks like it's up ahead still."

"I'll go get the ponchos. Where did you--"

"I didn't. Didn't bring 'em."

"Seriously?" How un-Joel-like!

"Seriously. Guess you'd better take back your... what was that name you gave me... Mr. Prepared-For-Everythin'?"

"Aww -- you can still keep the name. It's probably my fault. You were gonna pack them and I distracted you or something."

"Mm. I could use that excuse for lotsa things."

"Yep! ...Maybe you're right, though -- maybe it was my imagination. I don't feel any more sprinkles. Maybe it won't even rain until we get home!"

"No, it's comin'. I give it ten or fifteen minutes."

Joel was pretty much right about that; it was about fifteen or twenty minutes later when the skies unleashed their furies, or whatever that saying was... and it came on so suddenly that it felt unexpected, even though they were totally expecting it! Joel told her to go inside the wagon, but she passionately declared she would never abandon him like that, so they rode on for like... maybe two minutes before Joel gave up the idea of continuing to move forward. They moved sideways instead, towards one of the sparse little clusters of trees in the area... if three can be considered a cluster? ... and 'parked' them there. The horses didn't seem inclined to take off, but Joel hitched one to a tree while Ellie set about clearing space for them in the wagon. There were benches on either side to sit on, but they were covered up with bricks and stuff, and Ellie didn't think they'd be very comfortable on them anyway. She started carving out a cozy little corner amongst the bricks for them to snuggle up in. Completely undoing Joel's careful placement of everything -- ha!

The rain was loud enough on the canvas tarp that she didn't even hear Joel clamber into the wagon -- and she didn't see him until she turned around and blindly bumped into him! "Fuck, Joel--"

"Sorry. What're you doin'? You're puttin' us... right here? In the middle?"

"Well, yeah -- that way we have blocks bricking out the-- er-- ha! I mean bricks blocking the rain in both directions. See?"

"The rain ain't gonna come this far in."

"The wind, then! Unless you can make the tarp close more? On either end? ...Yeah, I didn't think so. Scoot back -- you're in my way!"

He took the bricks she was holding. "Where you puttin' these, boss?"

"Riiiiight... there."

"Here? You're gonna block the path to the back if you stack this any higher."

"So?"

"So, maybe I need to go back there."

She groaned. "You're just trying to be difficult!"

"I'm not, I swear," he chuckled. "You gonna make me go around? Back out in the rain an' the mud--"

"Well, then I suggest you get your ass back there before this pile gets so high you can't get over it," she advised sweetly, and she was happy to see him do exactly that -- he laid the bricks where she said and stepped over them easily, as they weren't even waist-high yet.

"Don't make this any higher 'til I get back!" he called to her from the other side.

"Okay... I'll try not to block you! Haha!"

She couldn't even hear his response to that; the rain drowned his voice out so much that it sounded like he was much farther away. Ellie started blocking herself in instead, figuring Joel could move the bricks to the desired spot when he returned. Her fingers were so cold that she felt like they were going to freeze to one of the bricks. "Fuck, why didn't we bring a blanket?" she muttered.

Not even ten seconds after she said it, Ellie felt something land on her head that made her yelp in surprise -- "We did bring a blanket?!" And no way did he hear me say that just now! She wrestled with it to find the edge.

"The wagon did," Joel replied. "It was in that box back there, built into the side. Along with some rope... a few tools... are you puttin' up a wall between us now?"

Ellie started tugging the blanket snugly around herself. "No, silly, I just had to put them somewhere... hey, I'm gonna get this blanket all wet -- our clothes are too wet! We need to get out of them!" He'll say no, but I bet I can totally talk him into--

"I think you're right. Looks like you made enough space for us... here, gimme those... I'll finish movin' 'em out -- you can just go ahead an' get naked."

That was easy! Ellie practically giggled with glee at the prospect of getting her wish for sex in the wagon -- because there was no way he'd be able to keep things 'all business' if she was like... sitting in his lap with no barriers. She cast the blanket aside and yanked her soaked sweatshirt up over her head. "If it was like... a year ago? Would you have agreed to that so fast?"

"A year ago? Uh... would you have suggested it so fast?" he countered.

"Totally! You're the shy one here!" It did amuse her to imagine how one-year-ago-Joel would have reacted.

"Mm, yep, that's me. Shy as a schoolgirl."

Ellie was indeed completely naked, sitting on the floor with the blanket wrapped around her -- her clothes flung carelessly over one of the walls -- by the time Joel finished arranging the piles. "Your turn!" she chirped.

He dutifully started unbuttoning his shirt. "You wanna make us a window now?"

"...A window? What -- to the front?"

"Yes. Right here. On second thought, let me do it -- you might topple the whole thing over."

"Why the fuck do we need a window? You think someone's gonna try and steal our horses in a storm like this?" she teased.

"You never know. I'd feel better if--"

"Joel -- stop! Don't touch that! Just-- come here. Let me help you."

"How are you gonna help me from down there?"

"Come in closer and you'll see... no, closer! I still can't reach you," she giggled. "Closer -- like an enemy!"

"Yes ma'am. Except I get the feelin' you ain't offerin' to help make a window." He draped the shirt over the far wall and let her tug him down to his knees, leaning in to give her a heated kiss while she yanked up his undershirt (which was actually pretty dry, but Ellie wanted it gone). Unwilling to break the kiss to finish the task, she slid her hands up under the shirt and marveled at how warm his chest felt.

He finished removing the shirt himself and hugged her close. That smile he was giving her was like... the sexiest thing she'd ever seen in her life. Even sexier than his dick, which was obviously pretty sexy, by default, and yet... there's still no comparison, somehow?! "You know... I'm really glad we decided not to wait it out at the farm," she confessed with a smile.

"Glad that I decided, and you didn't fight me on it too much, you mean," Joel corrected her. "You're always fightin' me... maybe you are my enemy..."

Ha! "I'm not fighting you now," she said with a sweet smile. "Fighting your belt, maybe... we're not done getting you naked!" At least the holster belt was off already...

While Joel was wriggling his pants down, she tried to yank the blanket around to include his shoulders; it didn't work very well.

"This is good... I don' need to take 'em all the way off," he decided, stopping at his knees.

"You're not worried we're gonna get attacked or something, are you?" Only half-teasing this time.

"Gear's right here... we're fine."

"Good -- because they at least have to be down far enough that they don't bug me -- work with me here, Joel! Lift this leg a sec--"

He obligingly worked them down to his boots -- and she already knew he wasn't going to take those off. His boxers weren't wet, but Ellie insisted he work those down with his jeans, too (she knew he would thank her later when they stayed dry by virtue of being far away from their privates!).

The blanket was barely covering either of them now, and Joel was finally able to observe her full body nakedness. "You've been sittin' on this dirty floor without your panties on?" he scolded her. "You didn' need to take those off."

Pfff! Not the comment she'd been expecting! Although it's typical Joel, really-- "Don't tell me you expected me to keep them on -- and now you're sitting on it with your bare ass, so..."

"That's just my ass. Nothin' important."

Ellie couldn't grab hold of a butt cheek and squeeze it like she wanted to, but she grabbed as close to it as she could. "Speak for yourself! I happen to think your ass is very important," she grinned.

"You would." He clutched her thigh and tugged it over his own...

...She took the hint and straddled him. "Oh hey, you solved the problem! You're so smart," she snickered.

He reclaimed the blanket and draped it around her. "Not smart enough to get somethin' for me to sit on, though."

"Hmm... where'd you put your-- your shirt's right there--"

"It's fine. I gotta wear that later."

She giggled. "So, don't shit on it then? Just sit on it! Or -- I can grab the shirt you hung up over there--"

But, predictably, he didn't let her actually get up -- he pulled her in close instead. "It's fine," he repeated. "I need to get you warmed up now..."

She grinned and kissed him gently. Shifted herself a bit... mmm, I'm already a lot warmer! He wasn't hard enough yet for her to do anything other than rub against him, but that was all she wanted to do at the moment anyway. "I could get one of those bags for you to sit on," she offered. "The cement or whatever?"

"You need to stay right where you're at," he murmured against her lips. He was holding her pretty snugly, with one arm beneath the blanket and the other on top of it... presumably to keep it from slipping off.

She was basically hugging his neck, one hand massaging the base of it... she kissed him lightly. Teasingly. "Um, didn't you want me to make a window? I don't think we need one, but I want you to feel... you know... comfortable..."

The hand on the back of her head pulled her even closer... his lips were warm and wet, his tongue no longer content being teased... she let him deepen the kiss to a dizzying level this time. As if that didn't already answer her question, he sexy-smiled at her again when they decided to resume breathing. "To hell with the window."

~Continue to Chapter 32~

"Singularity" Chapter 30: "Cool Hand Luke" [30/49]

2022-03-23T12:52:53Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 30: "Cool Hand Luke" [30/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,388
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the 1967 movie

~

"I'm sure she just lost track of time."

My brother: ever the optimist. Although in this case, he was probably right... to a certain extent. "Even if she did, the sun would remind her what time it was," Joel grumbled, glancing out the window at the darkening skies.

Maria smiled at him. "It's her first full day here. She probably got caught up in seeing all her friends again."

Her sympathy grated on Joel's nerves. He said nothing as he shoveled in the last of his dinner, which he felt vaguely guilty for eating without Ellie. Even though he knew she wouldn't have expected him to wait on her this long. It wasn't even so much that he was hungry... it was just something to occupy him while he waited.

"What do you think, G-Man?" Tommy cooed to the baby lounging on a play mat on the floor. "Think Auntie Ellie found kids closer to her own age to hang out with?"

Joel wasn't sure if that was meant to be a dig on how old he was or an innocent nod to Grayson's age. He didn't ask for clarification.

The kid was surrounded by what they called a 'boppy pillow.' Joel didn't think it looked all that safe with the baby being so small that SIDS was still a risk, but when he'd started to delicately voice his concern to the new parents, they had cut him off, saying yes they were aware and they felt that it was fine as long as he was supervised and not allowed to fall asleep in the thing. Joel knew they'd been bombarded with their fair share of unsolicited advice from well-meaning-but-annoying-as-hell folks over the past few months, and their patience had worn thin. However, that didn't mean he was going to keep his mouth shut over a safety issue. As far as whether to use a pacifier or not, what age to start feeding him cereal... for anything like that, Joel didn't give two shits what they did. Besides, popular opinion seemed to change regularly on all kinds of parenting topics. Or, it used to.

With no internet to assist with research, 'current' recommendations -- beyond neighborly opinions, that is -- meant baby books published circa 2012-2013, and a lot of that shit just wasn't applicable nowadays. Joel liked kids... liked their honesty, their curiosity... but he sure was glad parenthood was behind him. He didn't have the energy to care about the million and one things parents had to concern themselves with. Besides, he already had his hands full with Ellie -- and he wasn't even her parent.

Yep... doing a real bang-up job there. Taking a perfectly good daughter and turning her into a lover instead.

He could remind himself that he wasn't her father 'til the cows came home -- it wouldn't change the fact that he was the closest thing she'd ever had to one. Tommy and Maria could -- and would -- certainly look after her... but it was a little late for that now. Hey Ellie, you need to start thinking of Tommy and Maria as your parents now so I can just fulfill that one single role in your life, not some fucked-up combination of the two. You good with that?

Hell -- Joel wasn't even good with that himself. He wanted to be both. He wanted it all. Anything she needed, he wanted to provide for her. He realized this was impossible... but that didn't stop him from wanting it anyhow.

He wasn't exactly worried about her at the moment; he just wasn't exactly not-worried, either. He'd already checked their house, in case she'd gotten confused about where they'd agreed to meet up, but he was of a mind to check there again. It beat waiting around in his brother's house, enduring his insufferable ribbing and Maria's unfounded pity. In fact, he'd seen quite enough of Tommy after spending nearly the whole damn day with him. Ellie's the only one I can be with for any length of time and NOT get fed up with, one way or another... and even that wasn't guaranteed. It was just... they knew each other so well. She might push his buttons sometimes, but she also knew when to not.

After rinsing his plate and letting his dinner settle for all of five minutes, Joel excused himself to check for Ellie at home again.

He didn't find her there, but at least now it was dark enough to see where the security lights were hitting and make some minor adjustments. He'd installed them that afternoon with a great deal of help from Charles, one of the resident electricians. The only 'real' one in town -- he had more than twenty years of experience in the field prior to the world going to hell -- although just like a lot of the older folks (Joel included), he did serve as mentor to the younger generations. The job itself wasn't complicated. Given an instruction manual or video tutorial, Joel probably could have handled it himself. Unfortunately, those were luxuries long gone, and he wasn't so prideful that he wouldn't call on an expert for assistance. The most time-consuming part had actually been procuring the best set possible from one of the Ghost Town houses. Tommy had helped out with that... and there wasn't exactly a shitload to choose from that met Joel's standards. They had to actually work, first of all; some hadn't been installed properly to begin with, and if it looked like moisture may have gotten inside the fixture, there was no use bothering with removing it to see if it still worked. He also wanted LED lights so he wouldn't have to mess around with finding replacement bulbs, and they had to have a decent range. At least two hundred feet. Tommy tried to talk him down to the fifty-to-one-hundred range, but Joel stood firm on that. He was sure there were people in town who had what he wanted on their houses already -- people who didn't need them but just happened to have them installed. He'd been prepared to talk them into swapping if need be.

Correction: he'd been prepared to coach Ellie on convincing them to swap. Not that she would need much coaching. The girl was a pro at using her considerable charms -- in tandem with those beautiful green eyes -- to get her way. Sure, Joel might be a bit biased on that count, but that didn't make it any less true, and he was certain plenty of other people would be susceptible to her... Ellieness.

As it turned out, he didn't have to go that route. Not yet. But he wanted motion sensors on all four sides of the house. And he still wanted a brick wall around the whole place. Naturally, Tommy thought that was overkill. Joel had snapped at him, pointing out that Tommy might feel differently if some idiot had nearly killed Grayson instead (Tommy thought he was blowing the incident out of proportion? The rock had missed hitting Ellie by mere inches -- and perhaps the blow wouldn't have killed her, but it very well could have). His brother felt confident that nothing like that would happen again, since it had been addressed in an emergency town meeting the next day. Even if the perpetrator hadn't attended the meeting, they would have heard about the close call later. However, this was of no comfort to Joel; he could only hope they'd felt shamed enough to think twice before doing such an idiotic thing again. Hoping certainly wasn't the same as knowing. He wanted to believe that the thrower only had a beef with him and meant no harm to Ellie. The 'decoration' on the rock would indicate that Joel was the one they wanted to send a message to, or whatever the hell they'd been trying to do (Joel could count on one hand -- half of one hand -- the number of residents known to have the balls to confront him directly).

Anyhow, Joel wasn't trying to pick fights with his brother. They just seemed to occur so easily... natural as a Runner lunging at their prey. And he had to play nice, because the sad fact was, Joel needed Tommy's help to do things like erect a wall around 'his' property -- which wasn't really Joel's at all. Oh, he could probably go behind Tommy's back and get Craig to help him procure everything he needed. But how long would it be before Tommy found out about it? Was it worth sowing more discord between them?

...Well... maybe. Ellie's well-being was always top priority. But Tommy was reasonable... level-headed... conscientious... and kind-hearted. Joel could afford to sacrifice a little pride and appeal to Tommy's better nature. If all else failed, he could sic Ellie and her eyes on him -- and he'd gotten Ellie on board with the wall based on the privacy factor alone. ("Holy shit, Joel -- you mean we could actually open the curtains?!") He had also mentioned that they could snuggle up with a blanket and stargaze in the backyard, if she missed that part of being on the road... they currently didn't have a yard at all, unless you counted the entirety of the surrounding landscape. Tommy had suggested, on multiple occasions, that they simply move to another house. Pointed out that theirs was 'too small' as it was. Joel continued to insist the house was the perfect size for them, and that he preferred sleeping on a couch because beds were too damn soft. He liked being away from the 'big city,' relatively speaking. He just wanted to make it a little safer... for Ellie. He never missed an opportunity to remind his brother of that. She had been safe staying with Tommy and Maria for that little while before they left, but Tommy knew she wouldn't live there without Joel, and Joel was pretty sure Tommy didn't want him there any more than he wanted to live there himself. Bickering aside, they got along fine, for the most part... but there was no need to be in close quarters, in each other's faces constantly. As proven by today's adventures around town...

In the end, Tommy had agreed to help Joel out without too much wheedling on Joel's part. He said he doubted they had enough materials on hand, but if they did, the goods would be up at the sister farm (Farm 4). Which was Outside. Craig was up there with a few of the guys working on the bunkhouse... which perhaps had gone up too quickly; they'd failed to take into account that it wouldn't necessarily just be men going to work up there. The women were currently staying in the farmhouse, which was meant to be used only by the family running the place, as far as living quarters. Tommy said they might not think twice about everyone staying together if it was guys they'd all known for years, but with all these new people coming... yeah, that issue is going to keep coming up. Of course, Joel would never let Ellie sleep in a room full of men, nor share a bathroom with them, regardless of how long he'd known them or how harmless they seemed. Besides that, a woman's presence curtailed all the 'locker room' bullshit that guys liked to engage in; they probably didn't want to share their quarters anyway. And the ones that do? Total perverts.

Of course, Joel had no business calling anyone else a--

No. Stop that. The Ellie voice in his head had put such thoughts to rest long ago... however, they had returned -- and gained strength -- in the past month or so. Ever since the end of their 'extended vacation' -- the abruptness of which could be traced back to another grown man taking advantage of an innocent teenager. The circumstances varied a great deal, obviously... but if we're calling a spade a spade, that's what it boils down to -- and I'm just as guilty of it as the other guy.

After tweaking the lights to his satisfaction, Joel decided he'd check the library. Just to see if she was there. To put his mind at ease. If he saw her, he would leave her be, hopefully without disturbing her at all.

When he entered the library, he could see that the night's 'feature presentations' were about to start, judging by the closed doors with the thrum of noise behind them and light still shining through their glass panels. Should I peek in there? ...No, that ain't necessary... Ellie wouldn't just decide to watch one without letting me know... His mind flashed back to their first night here, about a year ago, when Ellie had watched a movie with a bunch of teenagers and Joel had kept sneaking peeks through the little panels to assure himself she was okay. Like the kids were gonna just gang up and attack her or something. Of course, nothing had happened, and such paranoid feelings had lessened eventually. Or maybe I just got better at dealing with 'em...

A quick glance around told him Ellie wasn't in the main room. Not on a computer, not playing a board game or a card game or anything like that. He walked around enough to check the aisles of books, since she'd helped that Justin guy find a book yesterday... still no Ellie. He checked the magazine room and found it empty. The restrooms were right there, too ...No, asshole, you do NOT need to check those. He had just heard the water running in the men's, nothing from the women's...

And then Clicker burst out the door and practically bowled him over. "Shit! Oops! Ohhh -- hi, Mr. Joel! Is Ellie with you? -Wait -- I mean -- welcome back! Nice to see you. Yes I'm taller and my voice sounds funny. Sometimes, not all the time. ...So is Ellie with you?" He grinned.

Joel blinked. "Uh... no. I thought she might've been gamin' with you, before the movies start." That could explain losing track of time, with no windows to let the setting sun serve as a reminder.

"Back here? That hasn't been voted on yet. I hope they do decide to move at least one TV back here -- two would be better -- cuz even though the room is smaller there's really only so much space you actually need, y'know? And like, how many people really look at the magazines anyways? I guess it's enough that some people think it would be annoying on both sides -- the readers and the gamers -- but then, they could just move everything out, right? Really it won't make a ton of difference unless they decide to keep the library open later -- I think midnight would be good, that would be like five extra hours to play, without having to stop for movies -- maybe just on weekends if they don't wanna do it all the time -- the late hours -- I mean, obviously the littler kids won't be--"

"Son, I ain't got the foggiest idea of what you're talkin' about," Joel cut in, politely withholding the "nor do I care" at the end. If Jackson were ever to hold a rapid-babbling contest, Clicker would surely give Ellie a run for her money. "Just wonderin' where Ellie's at. But... good to see you, too, kid." He does look a little taller... if he's in the middle of a growth spurt he's gonna be taller than Ellie in no time...

"I was gaming... she was here this afternoon and she said she was gonna come back later but she didn't show up. I just had to pee before the movie starts -- I think they're waiting for me, though -- we're watching Jumper, did you see that one when it was new? It's from 2008."

"No idea. Prob'ly not." It didn't ring a bell, but Joel had forgotten a lot of inconsequential shit like that from the old days. "You enjoy yourself."

"Wait!" Clicker stopped him when he turned to leave. "Is Ellie okay? Do you need help looking for her? -Just like old times!"

Joel didn't exactly consider a few months back 'old times,' but he supposed it was for a thirteen-year-old. "No -- don't worry, I'm sure she's fine. Thank you."

"You can watch the movie with us if you want -- there's adults in there, too, it's not just kids--"

"Thank you, but Ellie's prob'ly back at the house wonderin' where I'm at," he replied, wishing he could believe it. He gave the boy a little smile. "Trust me, you're the first person I'd hire to help me find her, if it comes to that."

"Okay! G'night, Mr. Joel!"

Joel watched as Clicker ran -- actually ran -- across the main room toward one of the movie doors, theatrically shouting ahead of his arrival that he was coming. Wonder if his little girlfriend is in there waiting for him...

That was one thing Joel was depriving Ellie of: normal teenage socialization. Yes, she had friends, but she couldn't snuggle up to her boyfriend while watching movies with them. She claimed not to care about shit like that, but Joel wondered if she lied sometimes to make him feel better. What would make me feel better right now is to walk through my brother's door and find her stuffing her face at the table.

Instead, he found his brother on the couch, playing with the baby. Tommy looked up. "Find her? ...No," he answered his own question.

...Now what? Joel could wait for her at home, but she'd be more likely to come here first. He plopped down on the loveseat, which was perpendicular to Tommy's couch, and ran his hand through his hair... as if the gesture would clear away the worry. I'm sure she's fine. She must be down at the farm. Maybe Esther talked her into having that piece of pie she passed up yesterday, and they got to talking, and time just... Except it was still hard to believe that time had gotten so away from her that she hadn't noticed the sun setting.

It's pretty damn dark now. Where the hell is she? Is she mad at me? ...Pretty sure she ain't. She usually lets me know it, one way or another, when she is. She DOES have her gun... not the belt, but at least the one gun. And her knife. She is NOT in trouble. She can take care of herself. ...But then why hasn't she come back yet? Maybe she fell and twisted her ankle and is out there just waiting for me to find her...

That seemed unlikely. He'd already covered the path between this house and theirs, their house and the library... anywhere else, someone would probably see her and help her. Except if she was coming back from the farm? She didn't have her bag with her, which meant she probably didn't have her flashlight. Maybe I should check down there... that had to be where she was. There was no road leading from the farm to their house, so if he were to head down there, it was possible they could pass each other and not even realize it. Ellie had made the trip in the dark more often than Joel, so she wasn't as likely to veer off course... and he would probably be close enough to her path that she would notice his flashlight... But would it be overkill to keep looking for her? ...Yes, asshole -- you're Inside now. She's FINE. Quit worrying. Maybe it's been so long she forgot the way, or got lost somewhere else.

-No, that was ridiculous. Ellie knew her way around town as well as Joel did, if not better. And she certainly knew her way to Tommy and Maria's, from any corner of town.

Maybe she met up with one of her enemies and they got into it? That was a more likely possibility. Even so, would they have gotten so 'into it' that she'd get back so late?

"You need some baby therapy," Tommy declared, and he started scooching towards Joel.

"I'm good." Joel held his hand up and leaned back in his seat. "Or I will be when she gets here. ...I s'pose I should just wait for her at home. Get outta your hair."

Tommy looked at him for a moment. "I can get on the horn an' round up a few people to go look for--"

"No, no... I'm sure she's fine." And he certainly wasn't expecting Ellie to go Outside for any reason, but Tommy had already assured him that Joel's "Ellie is not permitted to leave with anyone but me" rule was still in effect.

"I could at least tell 'em to keep an eye out, if you want?"

"Not yet, all right? I don't wanna jump the gun. She ain't that late. ...Ain't late at all, really, seein' as how we didn't set a time." Which was true, but generally, on the days they ate with Tommy and Maria, Ellie arrived well before dinnertime.

"All right then. You do seem..."

Joel arched an eyebrow at him. "I seem what?"

"...Not all that freaked out. So you must know she's okay, somehow."

His gut did seem to be telling him he was overreacting; it was his brain doing the worrying. If it were the other way around, he wouldn't be content to just sit around waiting for her. "How do you know that?" he wondered out loud.

"I've seen you, big brother. I've seen you when she's in trouble -- or when you think she is... and I've seen you when I thought she was in trouble but you were just... Cool Hand Luke. Kinda like you are right now. It's like you know."

Joel snorted. "What's that got to do with Paul Newman? Have you ever even seen that movie?" He couldn’t remember him ever watching it as a kid.

"Laid-back, then. Not freakin' out. That better?"

"I wouldn't go that far. Maybe I ain't exactly climbin' the walls right now, but I still need to lay eyes on her before I--" Joel paused mid-sentence, his ears perking up at the footsteps rapidly approaching the door. Please let that be her!

A staccato version of the Ellie knock preceded the door's opening, and Joel relaxed at last.

"Sorry!" she cried -- rather hoarsely -- as she hurried over to them. "Sorry sorry -- I didn't mean to be so late -- don't hate me! I'm sorry!" She flung her arms around Joel's neck -- and since he was still seated, she was basically climbing into his lap.

"Calm down. You don't sound too good," he observed with a chuckle.

"That's cuz I'm dying of thirst!" she proclaimed, pulling away from him. "I finished my water ages ago and I've just been talking talking talking-- not used to talking so much anymore -- heyyyyy Grayson! -Hi Tommy," she added, almost like an afterthought. "I need to wash my hands before I touch him, I know. First I need a fucking drink." She coughed, as if to emphasize the point, and scurried over to the kitchen to help herself to the pitcher of ice water (possibly ice-less by now) still on the table. "Where's Maria?" she asked before taking a few big thirsty gulps.

"She's upstairs takin' a bath," Tommy replied. He leaned back with Grayson on his chest, situating the baby on his tummy. "If she waited 'til this one goes down, she'd fall asleep in the tub."

Ellie managed some kind of "oh" sound in acknowledgment between more gulps of water, then finally set her glass down with a satisfied "ahhhh." When she spoke, her voice sounded much more normal. "You guys ate already, right? -Yeah, okay, I see you did -- but you left me a plate -- and you left this on for me? Aww. It smells so good in here... it's the pork loin with rosemary! Isn't it!" She lifted the lid off the crockpot. "Yes! So yummy. I'm glad you didn't wait for me. I would've felt super extra guilty. I hope you didn't wait too long! What time is it anyway? -Shit -- it's later than I thought. Sorry! I'll eat fast if you guys wanna go to bed -- or you can just go, it's not like I don't know how to let myself out --"

"Shoot, it ain't that late," Tommy chuckled. "Maybe for Joel, but we're nowhere near as old as him."

Yes, my brother is just a goddamn RIOT with these age jokes. But he could see it had amused Ellie, so Joel just played his part and shot him a glare.

"You take your time, sweetheart," Tommy continued. "How was it? Your first day back."

"It was pretty awesome, actually!" Ellie chirped. "I saw lots of people! Best of all -- I saw Annie, and we talked. A lot. Just talked and talked and talked. We figured we'd be in trouble for getting home so late but we still had more talking to do, so... sorry, Joel!" She sat down with her full plate and immediately began to dig in.

Joel had taken a seat at the table across from her usual spot just before she seated herself. "So you've said. You weren't even at the farm, then?" Since she had indicated they'd both get in trouble...

"Nope! We went for a walk. A looooooong walk. Well, to be honest, we sat down, too, in a couple places. We weren't walking the whole time. We just walked and talked--"

"Finish chewin' before shovelin' in more," Joel chided her affectionately. "And before you speak, too. Christ -- didn't you eat today?"

"Ages ago," she replied with her mouth full. "Sorry -- I'm just -- I dunno! Happy to see you, I guess. It was weird, not seeing you all day. Wasn't it weird for you?"

Joel actually loved seeing her so... animated. He just didn't want her to choke. "Sure. We'll get used to it."

"You shoulda seen him before you got here," said Tommy, who was now pacing nearby with the baby on his shoulder. "Cryin' about how you ditched him to be with your friends... whinin' about how miserable he is without you..."

"What? Really?" cried Ellie -- and from the abashed look on her face, it seemed she actually believed that horseshit. "Joel--"

"I was doin' no such thing." Joel shot another perfunctory glare in his brother's direction, but he didn't really care how much Tommy teased him, now that Ellie was back.

"Not in so many words, maybe," Tommy smirked.

Ellie still seemed to believe Tommy's bullshit, though. "I thought you were okay going separate ways today! If I had known--"

"I was," he assured her. "I am. I'm fine with it. Always have been. It's good for you to see your friends. Tommy's just bein' a jerk like usual. But... well, as for tomorrow..."

"I'm going to the farm tomorrow," Ellie replied. "Unless... I shouldn't? Shit -- I should probably ask you this stuff. No schedule to stick on the fridge yet..."

"You don't gotta ask me nothin'." I'm trying to NOT be your father, for chrissakes! Although Joel would actually feel better having a schedule to go by. "I was actually gonna ask you... how you felt about me goin' up to Farm 4. Since it's Outside. But just there an' back -- no eight days this time. Or whatever it was." (He remembered; it was eight days. Long Ellie-less days.)

"We're not s'posed to go Outside without the other, remember?" Ellie protested.

Okay, good -- we ARE on the same page on that one. As far as he knew, Ellie didn't even know that the gates had all been instructed not to let her out without him. It hadn't been an issue, once he'd extracted that promise from her not to go sacrifice herself to whatever remained of the Fireflies -- at least not without discussing it further with him, and by the grace of God, she certainly seemed to have made peace with that. "I didn't remember if the sister farm counted or not. As a day trip."

"Of course it counts! Fuck, it's even farther away than the dam!"

She really was hungry... her plate's half gone already. "It's clear. No hunters or Infected."

"Doesn't matter! Nothing is ever guaranteed to stay clear from one day to the next. From one hour to the next, for that matter."

Tommy chuckled. "Damn, Joel, she sounds like you! Again."

That's my girl! "That's right. But still, I think--"

"I'm coming with you!" Ellie declared. "Whatever you have to do up there, I won't get in the way. I want to go up there anyway! So this is perfect!"

"...You do?"

"Yeah! And -- like maybe I could be sort of... what's the word... incog...neato?"

"Uh... okay. Why do you wanna do that?"

"I need to spy on someone!"

"Really?" Tommy was surprised. "Who would that be? It's mostly new folks up there. Not a lot of people you know."

"Oh, there's a bunch of people I know up there. Most of the Nebraska people went, right? I know them, kinda. But... not just them. There's someone else," she said mysteriously.

Joel gave her a look. "What kind of trouble could you possibly have gotten yourself--"

"I'm not in trouble!" she laughed. "Just cuz I wanna spy on someone doesn't mean--"

"It means you're fixin' to get yourself in trouble, if you ain't in it already," Joel amended.

"Good thing Cool Hand Luke will be there to save the day," Tommy quipped.

"Luke? Who's that?" asked Ellie. "Oh, you mean Lucas? Did he go up there, too? I could've sworn he was in the library earlier. Guess not. But how would he ~save the day~?"

"Like I said before, Tommy's just bein' a jerk," Joel explained. He found Ellie's naïveté utterly adorable, and it had a way of tempering his irritation. "He's in fine form today. Must be the sleep deprivation."

"Could very well be, big brother!" He hoisted Grayson up over his head. "Okay, little man, what say you'n'me go get you all cleaned up an' ready for bed before Mama gets out of her bath? ...Hmm, maybe Mama did fall asleep in there..."

"You tryin' to make him drool on your face?" Joel teased.

"I am, yes, that's exactly what I want him to do! If I'm lucky, it'll come out all milky!"

Ellie giggled. "You guys are silly. Aww, lemme say good night... I won't touch him..."

Tommy walked over to her, holding the baby against his chest, facing outward, and with his free hand, he made the little guy's hand bop up and down. "G'night, Auntie Ellie 'n' Uncle Joel!" he said in a ridiculously high-pitched voice, his mouth half-closed in a piss-poor attempt at ventriloquism. The baby made the perfect 'straight man' for such goofiness... but Joel reckoned he'd be smiling and laughing soon enough.

Ellie gave Grayson a huge smile. "Good night, little dude! Sweet dreams!"

Tommy chuckled. "Sounds funny, callin' you Aunt an' Uncle together like that. Like you're married or somethin'. You should really be cousin El--"

"Nooooooo I wanna be his auntie!" Ellie whined. "Not some stupid cousin! You said it was okay!"

"What difference does it make?" Joel asked, amused. "You're gonna be a big part of his life, no matter what name you give yourself."

"I want to be his auntie," Ellie insisted.

"Okay, Auntie Ellie," Tommy replied, using the fake baby voice again.

Ellie gasped. "Omigod -- did you see that? He smiled! He smiled at me! I mean, maybe it was more at the voice, but -- ohhh he's so cute!"

"It's just gas," Joel told her.

"I don't think so," said Tommy, turning the baby around to pinch his cheek. "He's been givin' us some real ones lately... haven't you, G-man? Here, Joel, I think he wants you to hold him..."

Joel snorted. "No he don't. Look at him -- he's about to start cryin'. Give him to me an' he'll start screamin' his head off."

Ellie rolled her eyes at him. "Whatever, Joel -- just hold him already!"

Joel shook his head. "Not a good idea, kiddo -- he looks hungry." Or... more like don't-give-me-to-this-strange-dude, really.

"What do you mean he looks hungry?" asked Ellie. "How the fuck do you know?"

"He is gettin' a little fussy," said Tommy, "and it's about time for him to eat again. You're off the hook, big brother."

"What'd I miss?" Maria called from upstairs... from the railing, presumably, out of sight of the dining table.

"Nothin' much... just a little smile for Joel an' Ellie..." Tommy disappeared around the corner.

"Aww!"

Maria did come poke her head in to say hi to Ellie and chat for a minute (and Joel took the opportunity to refill Ellie's plate for her; she had finished the first helping so fast he didn't even need to ask if she wanted more). Ellie assured Maria that she and Joel would tidy up the kitchen shortly and then let themselves out. But just before Tommy and Maria headed upstairs, Ellie called out to them. "Wait! I forgot to tell you guys something!"

They dutifully came back over to the table, Maria cradling the fussing baby against her shoulder and rubbing his back soothingly. "I hope it's quick 'cause he's about to drown you out," she warned Ellie.

"It is: you guys were wrong about Clicker!"

They both looked puzzled. "Wrong how?" asked Tommy.

"Alyssa is not his girlfriend! He told me himself!"

That surprised all three of them. "He did?" Maria asked dubiously.

"Yep! So the rumor mill strikes again. They're just friends!" She happily dug into her second helping, with nearly the same amount of enthusiasm she'd had for the first.

Tommy and Maria exchanged an amused look. "That's... interesting," said Tommy. "Real interesting. Seein' as how he was callin' her his girlfriend, before."

"And Georgia says she's caught them kissing," Maria added (in reference to Clicker's adoptive mother). "Maybe caught isn't exactly the right word... Alyssa comes over and they hang out in his room, but the rule is he has to keep the door open. At least, that's how things were, last we heard. I guess maybe something happened since then?"

Ellie's jaw had nearly dropped to her plate at the kissing remark (thankfully, she managed to swallow her bite first). "Oh. Um... okay. I... guess I misunderstood. He has to keep the door open? Like..."

"Mom 'n' Dad are okay with her comin' over, but they don't want things to get out of hand," Tommy explained. "And they don't let him go over to her house. Guess they don't trust Jacob to keep an eye on 'em or somethin'."

"They're only thirteen!" Ellie laughed. "It's not like they're gonna have sex!"

Joel chuckled. "The equipment works at thirteen."

Grayson let out an impatient quit-talking-and-feed-me wail. "Go ahead -- sorry!" Ellie waved them off.

Maria headed upstairs, but Tommy hung back a moment to question Ellie. "Did he tell you they were never together?"

"Um... he just said she's not his girlfriend, so... no, not really? Maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe they just recently broke up!"

Tommy nodded. "That must be it. Must've happened... oh, let's see... maybe five minutes after he heard you were back in town?"

"What?!" Ellie turned an amusingly bright shade of red. "No, that's-- no way! Why would he-- that's just--"

"Good night!" Tommy smirked before following Maria up the stairs.

Ellie had the most adorable scandalized look on her face. "Joel, I swear, it's not my fault they broke up! I'd never make him do that!"

This oughta be good... "You'd never make him do that?"

"Of course not!"

"So... you admit you have some power over him, then."

"No! I mean-- I would never be the reason they broke up!"

"How do you know that? You inside his head?"

Ellie looked pained. "Cuz I've never given him any reason to think-- why would he? He knows I don't like him like that!"

"Does he?"

"Yes!"

"You've told him."

"What? Told him that I... don't like him that way?"

"Right."

"Why would I do that? That's mean."

"It's honest. But, since you haven't told him... kid prob'ly thinks he's got a shot."

"Are you fucking kidding me? He's three years younger than me!"

"Two an' a half, remember? He made sure to point that out when--"

"Whatever! Way too young."

Joel just gave her a look. We probably shouldn't be talking about this here... "Keep your voice down. Baby's goin' to sleep."

"Not yet, he's not -- and he can't even hear us up there." But Ellie did lower the volume... and seemed to pick up on the real reason Joel wanted her to keep her voice low. "Three years is a lot, Joel. Because it's three years the wrong way."

"Wrong way?"

"Yeah. Like, if he was three years older, I could understand if maybe--"

"Then you'd give him a shot."

"No, but it would make more sense that he might think I would."

"I see. Well, I'm sure he thinks he's old enough for you. Sometimes... we think someone might be too young for us, see... and the other person disagrees... tries like hell to change the other one's mind..."

"This is different!" Ellie hissed.

"Mmhmm. How so? -Wait, don't answer that, I think we better--"

"It's different when I'm the one who's too old," she answered anyway. ...Which really didn't explain anything. "But... do you think what they said is true?"

"They've got no reason to lie."

"They might be playing a prank or something, though."

"...I think they were bein' straight up about it. Don't you?"

Ellie frowned. "Okay, so... say it's true. That's like... really shitty of Clicker to just..."

Joel shrugged. "They're thirteen. People don't find their... soulmates, an' whatnot... at thirteen."

"Nope, that happens when they're fourteen!" she grinned.

"Ellie," he said warningly.

"Only they don't realize it 'til they're fifteen," she whispered.

"I'm jus' sayin'... he prob'ly likes her all right, but when it comes down to it, she's just a poor substitute for you." Joel could certainly sympathize.

"But... that sucks! It's not fair!"

"No, it sure ain't. But no one ever said life--"

"If she likes him, why can't he just like her back? That way, everyone's happy!"

That's a bit much, even for Ellie. "Yes... in Ellie's perfect world, that's how it would go down."

"It's such an easy fix!"

Joel chuckled. "What if he's thinkin' the same thing? 'Why can't Ellie just like me back? We'd be so PERFECT together...' "

Ellie looked horrified. "But-- but we wouldn't be!"

"Well, he don' know that. We like who we like."

"But-- uuggghhhh," she groaned. "Me and him? It just makes no sense. Can't he fucking see that?"

"...Are you hearin' yourself right now?"

"Uh... yeah?"

"You're sayin' you an' him make no sense. But maybe you do on paper. -In theory," he amended, since he couldn't recall if she was familiar with that expression. "You've got things in common, you--"

"Oh my God, Joel, seriously?!" It was a wonder she was still managing to keep her voice low. "We don't make sense on paper, on dirt, on... anything you wanna try to make sense of it on! He's a little boy!"

"Depends on your point of view," Joel said sensibly. "He's grown up a bit over the winter. Physically, at least. He's taller than you now. His voice--"

"We're the same height!"

"--is gettin' deeper. At thirteen, he's got... a man's urges." (She snickered at that one.) "He's a teenager. So are you. And you're still a little girl, in some--"

"I am not! You don't even think that anymore!"

"Says who? You're still my baby girl. Always will be. No matter how old you get. Back to my point... me an' Sophie. Didn't we pretend to be your parents on the road 'cause it's what made the most sense? But it was a lie. ...I'm sure you can think of another couple that... as far as everyone else is concerned, makes no sense. But it makes sense to them. To the couple." Well, it does SOME of the time...

Ellie looked like she was about to bury her head in her arms, but then realized her plate was still there. She covered her face with her hands instead. "But I don't want... I don't want him to feel like that, about me! It only works if both people like each other!"

"Works best that way, yes. You done?"

She peeked through her fingers at him. "Except for the part where I figure out what I'm supposed to do? I guess so."

"I meant with your plate." A courtesy question, since she had pretty much inhaled both helpings and the plate looked like it had been licked clean by a dog.

"Oh. Yeah, take it. I'm pretty full now." She slumped back in her seat, looking so dejected that for the first time, Joel got the feeling she wasn't secretly enjoying her ego-boosting predicament with Clicker.

"We'll talk about it at home, yeah? You wanna give me a hand?"

They cleaned up the kitchen, said good night to Tommy and Maria in the baby's room, and headed out. When Ellie took his hand, Joel didn't protest. She was a bit too old to be 'holding Daddy's hand,' but the gesture was harmless enough -- there was nothing sexual about it. They had done it before they left town, and maybe it had added some fuel to the rumor fire, but people were going to flap their lips no matter what. As long as they didn't treat Ellie any differently, didn't hurt her in any way... Joel didn't give two shits what they said behind their backs. Not about innocent things like hand-holding, at least.

Ellie behaved on the walk home. They kept a very leisurely pace, restricting their topics to 'dinner conversation,' which they'd essentially missed out on due to Ellie's late arrival. Traded chit chat about their respective days... exchanged gossip they'd heard on the happenings since they'd left. Unsurprisingly, Ellie's arsenal far surpassed Joel's on that front. Not only because she'd spent the majority of her day talking to people, but because the girl was like a sponge when it came to that shit. Joel was more like... well, something between a sponge and a sieve. She had heard some bad things, but didn't want to talk about them yet -- so, per her wishes, they stuck to good or neutral news only. Joel did learn that the person Ellie wanted to spy on at the sister farm was Christine, although she refused to tell him why. He would've thought she'd be happy to know that her old nemesis wasn't living in town anymore and that she wouldn't have to lay eyes on her again for the foreseeable future. She said that she was, but... that there was a but.

Even though he had just finished telling her about the security lights, Ellie let out a cute little yelp when the beam was activated. "Damn... if I hadn't told you about it, I reckon you would've been screamin' bloody murder," he teased.

"Probably! Fuck," she laughed. "I would've thought... who the fuck is in our house shining big-ass flashlights at us?!"

Ellie tried out her new house key, and Joel walked around the house -- 'doing a lap,' as they called it -- before coming inside. It was an old habit he wasn't willing to let go of, lights or no lights. In theory, a person could trigger the lights, come up to the house and stay perfectly still until the lights turned back off, and lie in wait as long as they wanted -- they could slink around the house without even tripping the sensors again, if they were careful to stay against the wall.

Ellie was waiting for him on the couch when he'd completed the lap. "I have a question for you."

"Uh-oh." Joel started shedding his gear. "What kind of question?"

"Okay, so... Tommy and Maria are supposed to be my aunt and uncle, right? But how can they be, when I'm supposed to be the baby's aunt? They said it was okay -- I'm Auntie Ellie."

"You're really more like a cousin. You just don't like--"

"Fuck that! When I turn eighteen and we don't have to hide anymore, then I'd suddenly be his aunt? No. That's dumb."

Interesting. "So you're... preparin' for the future."

"Yes! Exactly! -Would you hurry up already?" she complained. "It only took me two seconds to get couch-ready."

Joel chuckled. "That's because you're smart: you let me be the one to carry all this shit around."

"Yep!" she grinned. "And cuz I went to the bathroom right before we left?"

"...That's part of bein' couch-ready? Figured that was more of a... bed-ready thing."

"It's both!"

He finally sat down beside her, and found himself immediately covered in Ellie. "Hi," he smiled when she kissed him.

"Hi," she smiled back. "I've missed you..."

"Me too." He shifted beneath her a little. "You sure you wanna be sittin' like this?"

"Yes," she purred.

"Thought you wanted to talk."

"I do -- okay, so, you said you were okay with the baby before..."

What? "Uh... I thought you wanted to talk about Clicker."

"Later! So... are you okay? With Grayson?" she pressed.

"Sure."

"...No, really."

He tweaked her cute little nose. "What do you mean by 'okay'? I told you, he'll be more fun when he gets bigger."

"Yeah but like... you seem to have zero interest in him. Your own nephew."

"Well, maybe that will change when he starts doin' more things of interest," he suggested.

"He does lots of interesting things already!"

"He does? Let's see... he eats, he pees, he sleeps. That about covers it."

Ellie sighed. "You're impossible."

"I'm honest," he countered.

"Are you, though? Are you really?"

"...What are you gettin' at? You still think this has somethin' to do with Sarah?"

"Well, does it?"

"No. That was... a lifetime ago. She was part of a different life."

"You're the same person, Joel. You didn't like... die and get reincarnated somehow."

Maybe not, but I was all but reborn when I started caring about YOU... "I'm tellin' you. Babies are just... they ain't my scene. That's all."

Ellie laughed. "Your scene? What's your scene, then?"

He pulled her in close to press his lips to hers, and lingered there a moment. "You. This. This is my scene."

"Oh yeah?" she breathed. "What about this?"

She kissed him again, opening her mouth... coaxing his open with that insistent tongue of hers...

"This too," he agreed. But he stopped her when she reached for his belt. "Not yet, baby girl. If I fall asleep this early, I'll be wakin' up at--"

"Who said anything about sleeping?"

He chuckled. "You know it don't take long for me to fall asleep after."

"I'll just have to keep you up, then, won't I," she grinned. "Literally!"

"Ellie--"

"Okay, okay. Fine. But I'm not moving."

"Fine by me. I like you right where you're at."

They exchanged a few more kisses... and then she started giggling. "How bad would it suck to be Clicker and Alyssa, kissing in his room... his mom and dad like, just casually walking by all the time, making sure they don't start taking clothes off and stuff..."

"It would suck pretty bad," Joel agreed.

"It's dumb, really. Cuz if they really wanted to have sex, they could just go to Ghost Town. That's what everyone else does, if they have parents."

"...Everyone else?"

"Well -- I mean, not like there's that many teenagers here? But everyone knows that's all you have to do."

Yes, kids would always find a way. Still-- "Maybe that's one good thing about movin' people in to some of those houses. When it gets down to just the real shitty ones left... like your burnt house..."

"It's not mine," she laughed.

"No one else wants it -- it's yours. With nowhere else to go, kids'll have to resort to usin' parked cars... or go to the lake or somethin'... just like the old days. Only safer." He'd seen the condition some of those houses were in.

"Um... did you just say something is actually safer now than it used to be?" Ellie marveled.

"I guess I did. Or it would be, if they'd quit foolin' around in dilapidated houses."

It was a little surprising the teen pregnancy rate wasn't higher; then again, as Ellie had said, there weren't all that many teens. Probably less than twenty. More girls than boys, according to Ellie (who could probably recite the exact numbers, excluding the new folks). Still, the town was not completely free of pregnancy-related drama. An acquaintance of Ellie's had become pregnant but suffered a miscarriage... she didn't have a boyfriend, and refused to name the father, so that situation was rife with speculation. Another girl had gone to Idaho for an abortion disguised as something else; Ellie wasn't sure about that one because Annie couldn't confirm it. Sounds like it was POORLY disguised... As far as why someone felt the disguise was needed? -More speculation.

"See what you're saving me from?" Ellie said lightly.

"What's that?" ...Teen pregnancy?

"Duh -- I don't have to go to all that trouble! I can have sex with you in my own bed. With the door open!" She giggled. "Oh man. If we were in like some... parallel universe or something, where you had kept on being my dad, I can just imagine... I bring some guy home, we go in my room and you make me leave the door open, so you just happen to walk by every ten seconds... even though this house is so small that there's nowhere to walk to except that hall closet... ha!"

He inwardly cringed at her wording ('kept on being my dad'? ugh), but played along. "To hell with that -- what makes you think he'd even make it into your bedroom with his balls intact?"

"Aww -- you'd shoot off his balls?"

"Yep. Good thing I ain't your dad."

"You'd have to shoot your own balls off!"

He outwardly cringed at that one. "I should. It'd solve a lot of problems."

She whacked him on the arm. "Shut up! It wouldn't solve anything! So... what if it was a girl? No balls to shoot?"

The question surprised him, though perhaps it shouldn't have; Ellie did ask purely rhetorical questions sometimes that weren't actually thinly-veiled attempts to tell him something. ...At least, I THINK that's what she's doing here? "Then... I wouldn't shoot her balls."

"You'd shoot her pussy?"

"No!" he laughed. "Jesus, Ellie--"

"So you'd just... let her have her way with me? Cuz she's a girl?"

"Basically... yeah. I reckon so. As long as you were into it."

"...Huh. What if I was into it with the guy?"

"Nope. Girls only. Go ahead, call me a sexist pig."

"Ha – okay, whatever – so you'd have to watch us. To make sure I was into it."

"Uh... no. That's where I draw the line. No father wants to see his sweet little girl... like that." Proof positive that I will never be your father, baby girl...

"Okay. So Dad-Joel wouldn't. Would you?"

"What do you mean, would I?"

"The you that's not my dad."

"Well, if I'm me, then..." After all this time together... how close they'd become... Ellie still had the power to make him uncomfortable. She looks serious, too... be cool, Luke... "Are you tryin' to suggest we have a threesome? With another girl?"

Her jaw dropped for the second time that night. "What? No! Where the fuck did that come from?"

"Just voyeurism, then. ...You'd want me to just watch you," he added since she didn't seem to recognize the term.

"Um... no... ? Are you trying to suggest something?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"I promise." He gave her a squeeze. "I don't think I could share you, even if it's just with another girl."

"Oh my God -- you are sooooo sexist!" she laughed.

"That ain't sexist. I said I couldn't share you with anyone."

"That is not what you said! If it was a girl, you'd think about it, but a boy-- a boy gets an immediate 'hell no.' Right?" She paused for him to acknowledge this. "See? Totally sexist! Cheating is cheating! Whether it's with a girl or a guy. It's the same thing!"

"Who said anythin' about cheatin'?"

"We're talking about... me being with someone else. When you're you, not dad-you. So... yeah. Cheating."

"Not if I'm there with you." That's a porno, is what that is...

"Oh, so if you're cheating too, it's all good?"

"Neither of us is cheatin' if we're both in on it. Cheatin' is... sneakin' around behind the other's back."

"So... if I kiss a girl right in front of you, not at all sneaky-like--"

"I'd have to be cool with it first. Is there some girl you wanna kiss? Just give me a heads up first and--"

"No, shut up!" She pretended to throttle him. "You shouldn't be cool with it! And you're the only person I wanna kiss." Punctuated with a little kiss.

"That's real sweet of you."

"It's just so funny you wouldn't be jealous of a girl."

"I might still be a lil' jealous." Joel shrugged. "But... I get it. Girls are pretty. Dudes... ain't. I'm lucky you wanna be with an ugly old-- ow!"

"You're not ugly! Or old!"

"I sure ain't pretty, though."

"You are -- you're beautiful! Gorgeous! Absolutely stunning! -No no nooooo don't tickle meeeeee! Don't-- ahhhhh!"

As usual, the tickle assault devolved into a mock wrestling match on the floor (he really did not want to make her pee her pants -- and having just emptied her bladder twenty minutes ago didn't guarantee that she wouldn't, as he'd learned the hard way). He let her think she was winning from time to time -- or rather, let her pretend to think she was winning -- only to pin her again, or break her hold. She did surprise him a couple of times... but for the most part, her attempts to get the upper hand involved distracting him, which proved futile (though quite fun). She squirmed and wriggled, squealing adorably... until Joel finally called a truce so he could kiss the hell out of her.

"A girl would never be this fun to play with, see?" she panted.

"You still thinkin' about girls after all that?" he teased. "Maybe she'd be even more fun."

"No. Uh-uh. I'd kick her ass. Where's the fun in that?"

Joel chuckled. "Maybe you'd enjoy a more even match -- someone in your weight class."

"Nope! And then-- then if I wanted her to squeeze me as hard as she can, I practically wouldn't even feel it!"

"...If that was a hint, I really can't, like this."

"When we get up, then! Which... we should, soon, cuz I'd rather be on the bed. We can still talk and stuff, though!"

"...Uh-huh."

"We talk all the time in bed!"

"I s'pose we do. Come on... up!" He pulled her up with him, cringing and rubbing his shoulder.

"Oh shit -- did I hurt you?"

"No," he chuckled. "It's fine. Just a sore spot."

"You don't make faces unless it really hurts."

"I'm just... gettin' old, Ellie."

"Then we shouldn't play like that! You don't have to hug me hard if it--" She sucked in her breath when he squeezed her.

He eased up after a moment and kissed her forehead. "Don't worry about me."

She smiled. "Okay. I... really like it when you do that."

"I know you do." He kissed her softly.

"I love you, Joel."

He smiled. "I know that, too."

"And you love me."

"Always."

~Continue to Chapter 31~

"Singularity" Chapter 29: "There's No Place Like Home" [29/49]

2022-03-09T12:59:59Z

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know if anyone is currently reading this story here... I do intend to keep posting, but in case you're not aware, this site is now owned by a Russian company, so I'm concerned it might get shut down/disabled/blocked/what-have-you, possibly with no warning. I don't blog anymore but I do like to archive my fic here. You may want to make note that if this blog disappears, you can find me on AO3 and FFN under "Lumy12." Thanks!

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 29: "There's No Place Like Home" [29/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,183
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Ellie and Clicker claimed a spot in a nooklike area of the library, far from the center of the main room. It was where people tended to go if they didn't want to be bothered. Scattered amongst the aisles of books, the tables with single chairs at them generally discouraged gatherings, as did the 'living' chairs (like the kind of chair only one person can sit in, not an actual couch). It was great for when you wanted to look at a book and not necessarily check it out officially. But sometimes, people would just grab a chair from another table and drag it over, or cram two people into one of the bigger living chairs. Ellie was about to do the former when Clicker made her stop and "wait right there" while he ran off and procured a couch instead, scooting it allllllllllllll the way over from the center of the room -- because she had made that comment about missing the couches? If people hadn't taken much notice of them coming in, they certainly looked when he did that! But it made Ellie smile. She tucked her legs underneath her and settled in for a good long talk: bad news first.

Twenty minutes later, after Clicker had apprised her of every single bad thing he could think of that had happened in the past seven months, her head was spinning... and her heart had sunk all the way into her shoes. Why do people have to die? Or disappear? Or... do fucking crazy things?! ...And Joel is a little closer to making the top ten now, age-wise...

"This is why no one wanted to tell you," Clicker said mournfully. "Now you're all bummed out and stuff."

"No I'm not," she lied. "I didn't know most of those people that well. Some of them I didn't even know at all." Like the dead baby girl, for example. That was so fucked up, though -- ugh -- Mostly, Ellie just hadn't processed it all yet. It felt like Clicker was just telling her stories. That none of it was real.

"But it's still making you sad." Apart from the time it took to relay all the news to her, Clicker was acting like his usual cheerful self... he wasn't sad... because it was all old news to him. He was over it. Ellie was grateful, because she didn't want things to be all heavy right now.

She gave him a look. "Should I be jumping for joy right now?"

He snickered. "Does anyone actually do that? Over the age of like... five, I mean."

I can think about all that shitty stuff later -- like when she and Joel inevitably compared notes on what they'd learned about Jackson today. "Pretty sure I've seen you do that, home slice," she teased.

"Bullshit! Name one time!"

"Oh... I dunno... like, every single fucking time we beat a boss on the Wii? Or... what was it... those fucking dementor things! That was the worst--"

"Dude, we high fived! I didn't jump!"

"You jumped after we high fived!" She couldn't remember him ever actually doing this -- but it was just too easy to rile him up!

He slugged her arm playfully. "I don't jump! I can't -- remember that movie?"

Ellie had seen a lot of movies last summer, and sometimes she mixed them up a little in her head, but she had no idea what he was getting at here. "Um... no?"

"Oh -- yeah I guess you didn't watch that one. Never mind. You prob'ly wouldn't like it anyways cuz it's about basketball."

Ellie knew very little about most sports. "Who does like it?"

"Lots of people! Now that we have a court that works! Like with a new net and everything! In the park. I'll show you some time -- maybe you would like it if you got to play!"

She wondered if Joel would like it, or if he would claim to be too old to play. He was strong, healthy, in good shape... he fucking killed people with his bare hands... but he was somehow "too old" to do certain things he just didn't feel like trying. "Maybe I would... but I'm more of a football girl," she said airily.

Clicker gave her the most comical puzzled look she'd ever seen. "...The fuck? Since when?"

"Since... um... January, I guess?" She proceeded to tell him all about the football games at the beach. People had always just tossed the ball to each other in the surf, but one day, she had gotten it into her head that they should play an actual game. She had organized it herself... even though she knew nothing about football, of course, other than the bare bones description Joel had given her previously. But they had an actual football, and plenty of space, so... Ellie had thought it was a brilliant idea! Joel... not so much.

Clicker found that part amusing. "How come I can totally picture him getting annoyed as fuck with you for doing this?"

She grinned. "He so was. I kept saying I would do all the work... but yeah, well... I mean, hardly anyone there even knew how to play -- including me! -- sooooo he kind of had to help me. A little." Once they'd actually started talking through how to play, though, more people had started to remember things -- the old people, that is.

"Let me guess -- he took over the whole thing?"

She laughed. He knows us so well! "Um... not exactly... okay, pretty much, yeah. At first I just asked questions -- like to the whole group -- and I told him he didn't have to answer since he wasn't interested, but he did anyways." As she had known he would, because he liked teaching her stuff. "He already told me how to play the game, a long time ago. I tried to remember everything but he had to correct me when I said things wrong, and people started asking him questions -- even the people who knew how to play were like brainstorming on how to do it with the players we had, and what rules to change, and I just wanted to fucking play, but then there was all this confusion and arguing... well, debate, like, about how to do things..."

Clicker seemed to find that amusing as well. "I can see that, too... you being all like CAN WE JUST FUCKING PLAY NOW, PEOPLE..."

"Yeah! Not cuz I wanted to play so bad I couldn't wait, but... it just made things more confusing! Everyone had a lot of fun in the end, though. Including Mr. Grumpypants Joel. It was so fun that we did it again! A few more times, even." She missed those games already. It wasn't so much that it was physically fun to do -- it was more about the bonding with her teammates. And even with the other team, in the form of teasing or trash-talking. It was all the smiles, the laughter... the stupid shit, like Lupe forgetting which direction to go... Alex catching the ball and running straight into the ocean to avoid all the defenders... the 'penalty flags' that allegedly didn't count if the wind whipped them off the field, and the good-natured arguments that ensued... Ellie couldn't even remember who won which game or what the scores were. Because it wasn't even about that. ...Maybe I don't have to miss it completely? I wonder...

Clicker read her mind: "Oh! Dude! What if we did it here? You're an expert now, you could--"

"Where, though?" That was where her idea had come to an abrupt halt. "With all these trees and stuff around here? You need a big open area -- I mean huge -- it's supposed to be a hundred yards. Which is like..." She sucked at trying to describe distances. "Trust me, it's long. Even if we make it a little shorter... it can't be in the street, if you're gonna play tackle, cuz you need a soft--"

"Tackle -- like, actually pushing the other team down on the ground? Is that what you guys did?"

Ellie had wanted to. Whenever she and Joel play-wrestled and stuff, getting tackled was so much fun! But she had been overruled, and they had used flags instead -- which, she had to admit, had made for some pretty funny plays. More than one person had lost their pants in addition to their flag, on occasion. Of course, real game-type flags would have worked better than some of the shit they had substituted -- like bandanas and bolo ties. "No, the old people thought it was too dangerous. Even with the sand and all! Or like... some of the guys liked the idea, but then said they didn't wanna play with girls cuz they'd have to go easy on them, and it became this whole thing. So, no."

Clicker snorted. "Yeah... unless they could just let the tough girls like you play. Most girls are wusses."

Ellie knew that Clicker appreciated her tomboyishness. Haven't I heard him say Alyssa is a wimp? Does he still think that? And if he does... does it bother him, or does he kinda like it? Back when Ellie had first become aware of how desperately in love she was with Joel, and thus, had to figure out how to make him fall in love with her -- and even after their relationship had turned romantic, actually -- she'd researched shit like that. Some of the 'facts' she'd uncovered had turned out to be total bullshit. Joel had reinforced plenty of the non-bullshit things with his behavior (she'd never actually confessed to him that she'd been doing research... because FUCK -- embarrassing much?! ...but if she really needed to ask him something, she would claim she overheard a conversation or remembered something from a movie). She wouldn't call herself a love expert or anything, but... well, as far as she could tell, Joel was pretty happy with her, so she thought she'd done a pretty good job of separating truth from bullshit and applying the knowledge accordingly.

"Wait -- that's not the real reason they didn't wanna do it, though, is it?" Clicker continued. "Really it was cuz everyone was scared shitless to even touch you. Right?"

She rolled her eyes. "You mean cuz of Joel?" Of course that's what he meant -- because no one's afraid of ~sweet little Ellie~ in her own right... right?! Pfffff! "Nah, people there weren't scared of him. He was all mellow and laid-back most of the time." Although, if her pants had ever come down, it might have been a different story. Good thing I was smart enough to wear jean shorts!

"Seriously? They weren't scared? Weird."

"Yeah." Kind of hard to be Mr. Tough Guy when you're all snuggly at campfire every night... not that they made out in front of other people or anything, but they were pretty affectionate in public. And I'll miss THAT more than the football games... She would miss out on tons of sweet little moments now...

And now there was another reason to hate hiding their relationship: fucking new people. Which meant new women. Which meant more women who might want to fuck Joel and thought they had every right to because he was single. And Tommy better not try to play matchmaker again... fuck! So far, so good on that front, if last night was any indication. Of course, with so much to talk about, it was possible he just hadn't gotten around to mentioning that he knew of the perfect woman for Joel. Joel needs to get better at shutting that shit down! I swear, he used to be annoyed by it, but now I think he LIKES making me jealous... She would just have to remind herself she had nothing to worry about, now that she and Joel were having sex. There was nothing another woman could give him that she couldn't provide for him herself. ...Except public acknowledgment, or approval, of our relationship, I guess... but Joel doesn't care about that... right?

"What was it like at the beach?" Clicker was asking now, effectively derailing that troubling train of thought.

Ellie couldn't seem to decide if she liked talking about Monterey, or if that only made her miss it more. She didn't really have much choice right now, because everyone wanted to hear about it. The ocean was hard to describe to people who had never seen it. The beach kind of was, too, but everyone in Jackson who had ever explored the park had at least seen a little bit of sand before. "It was very... sandy," she settled on. "And man, Joel fucking hated the sand. It is kinda hard to walk on. But it's fun to play in -- you can build stuff with it when it's wet, or bury people in it -- the ocean is the best thing, though, by far. The waves are fucking amazing. Like... I can't even describe them."

"Yeah? Did you do any surfing like they do in shark movies?"

Fucking sharks! "I did! But... not much. I kinda sucked. Boogie boarding, though -- that's more fun. You don't have to stand up. -Dude, I bet you would love it there. You should come with us next time."

His jaw dropped. "No shit?! You're going back?"

"Well... someday, maybe?" She was already kicking herself for impulsively blurting out such an invitation. The beach was so far away, she doubted Clicker's parents would be cool with it anyway. Fuck his parents -- JOEL wouldn't be cool with it! He'd say the trip was too dangerous for a kid. And of course, she had no idea how the community may have changed after she fucked everything up. Time to redirect-- "Not any time soon -- forget I mentioned it. We just barely got back! Okay, so, you told me all the bad stuff. I wanna hear more about the good stuff that's been going on around here." Which was the perfect opportunity for him to tell her about Alyssa!

"But I wanna hear more about your trip!" he protested.

...and yet he STILL didn't tell me. Hmm... "Okay... like what? What do you want to know?"

"Did you kill lots of infected people? Like on your last trip?"

Ellie scoffed at that. "It was nothing like that one. We were on the road for... going on a year, last time. This time it was... a couple months."

"Oh. There and back, though. Right? So... four months total, which rounds up to half a year, which is close to 'going on' a year!" He seemed proud of drawing this illogical mathematical conclusion.

"Pfff." More like three months... She so wished she could tell him about the jeep! He would be so impressed! Clicker didn't have the hugest of mouths, but she agreed with Joel that they shouldn't tell anyone. Clicker might say something to Alyssa, who might say something to Jacob -- who might still hate her enough to try to stir up trouble. Telling just one person, even one person sworn to secrecy, could be all that was needed to spread shit through the whole town -- because maybe they swear another person to secrecy, who then does the same... and sooner or later, someone will prove to be untrustworthy to the point of practically announcing it at a town meeting or something. Right -- back to Infected -- "We did kill some. Some hunters, too. Bandits... whatever." Jacksonites didn't really use the term 'hunter,' except in reference to one of their own going out to hunt game. Both words had negative connotations, but Ellie equated bandits with robbers, whereas hunters were more like... well, assholes, really. (Naturally, she omitted the category of soldiers entirely.)

At any rate, Clicker seemed impressed even with that vague account of their exploits on the road. "Bad ass."

She looked at him sternly. "Dude, I told you, it's not like in video games!"

"I know that," he huffed. "Jeez. That doesn't mean it wasn't still bad ass."

"Okay, fine. Sure. Sometimes. But... you know. Shit happened. And we fucked up sometimes, too." She didn't really feel like telling him about Sacramento right now... although part of her kind of wanted to, just to see how long it would take for the story to circulate around town and come back to her all jacked up: "I heard you got trapped in an underground cave for WEEKS and Joel had to blow the whole thing up with dynamite to get you out!" She almost felt like maybe she shouldn't talk about it at all, somehow... out of respect to Joel. Because Joel always always made it sound like this huge personal failure. Never mind that he fucking rescued her. Nope, he had to beat himself up for not doing so within the hour it happened, searching for her in all the wrong places... even for them splitting up that day instead of sticking together. Never mind the fact that they had done that plenty of times before and nothing bad had happened. And he'd still get this weird look on his face... like last night, with Tommy and Maria. Maybe I just need to keep reminding him that it's all over and done with and I'm totally FINE now?!

"Like how did you fuck up?" Clicker prompted; she hadn't paused on purpose to amp up the drama, but she must have been taking too long to continue.

"Oh, like... ...I almost burned my fucking hand off in a fight?" That was a good story to tell him, because even Joel couldn't take the blame for her stupidity on that one (although not for lack of trying).

"Whaaaaaat?"

"Yeah. This one." She wiggled the fingers on her right hand. "You can't really tell anymore, though. It's all healed up."

Still, Clicker grabbed her hand to inspect it. He was just innocently turning it over, but Ellie tensed up, ready to yank it back if he so much as touched her sleeve; the bite was, of course, yet another secret she had to continue to keep. "I can tell," he said. "It's whiter, right there... and there..."

"Oh my God, dude, it was soooooo ugly the day after it happened! It was all like... charred and black and stuff..." Okay, so she was exaggerating that just a little. But this next part was true, if only for isolated moments of paranoia: "Not even joking -- I thought Joel was gonna have to amputate it."

He looked up from her palm, wide-eyed. "No fucking way."

"Way." He seemed to be done examining her hand now, so she reeled it back in. "Wanna know how it happened? It was so stupid-- no, wait, lemme back up a bit." She knew Clicker would appreciate hearing the details of the encounter, especially the creepy beginning part where they just heard eerie Infected sounds in the dark, getting louder and louder... man, he would LOVE Keith's ghost stories, too! The actual attack was a bit of a blur in her head now, as most intense fights tended to be, shortly after the adrenaline rush subsided... but she remembered enough to start piecing together a colorful narrative for him.

Ellie noticed the girl approaching them before Clicker did, even though he had the better line of sight on her. Alyssa! FINALLY he'll have to tell me what's up with her! Except... shit, she's not happy... Ellie turned and smiled brightly at the glowering girl. "Oh hi, Alyssa! I was just telling Clicker about how I burned my--"

"Come on, Cordy," she cut in without even acknowledging Ellie. "You're late for rehearsal!"

Ellie dropped the fake smile. She wasn't sure what she'd expected from Alyssa, but that level of rudeness certainly exceeded her expectations.

Clicker's what-the-fuck expression told Ellie that they were on the same page there. "Uh... yeah, like I always am on Mondays? ...D&D?"

"But you're not playing D&D," Alyssa pointed out coolly.

"Go ahead, dude, we can finish catching up later," Ellie offered, feeling awkward on Clicker's behalf.

The look he gave Alyssa bordered on a glare, Ellie noticed with interest. "I'll be there in five, alright?" he told her.

Alyssa didn't seem satisfied with that. She probably wanted Clicker to leave with her... but she had apparently resigned herself to the fact that he wasn't going to. "Whatever. I'll let them know." Tossing her long brown hair over her shoulder in an over-the-top drama queen sort of way, she flounced off.

Ellie didn't know what to say; apparently Clicker didn't, either, as he was uncharacteristically silent for a few moments. Maybe I should give him some advice? That's what BFFs were for! Especially if one was older and more experienced than the other. "Dude, like... you prob'ly shouldn't've done that. You're gonna be in trouble now."

"I won't be," he assured her. "I'm always late on Mondays and they know why. No one cares."

...Is he really that clueless?! "No, doofus, I mean with Alyssa!"

He still didn't seem to get it. "Why would I be in trouble? She's not my mom. I didn't even do anything wrong. And that was sort of rude, what she did. Just barging in on our conversation like that. She didn't even say hi when you said hi to her."

Ellie had to remind herself that he was only thirteen, and this was his first girlfriend. "Well, she saw you talking to another girl, so... you can't really blame her if--"

"I'm talking to you, not... another girl," he scoffed.

Ellie didn't know whether to feel insulted by that or not. Whatever... clearly, I'm gonna have to spell this out for him: "It doesn't matter. You're still-- ...Okay, yeah, she was rude, but think about it. Maybe she went to your club and they told her you left with me -- or someone else told her they saw you with me -- then she finds you hanging out with me way over here, away from everyone else... maybe she saw you touching my hand and stuff, and thought... like..." ...Come on, dude, help me out here!

"Not you, too," he groaned.

Ellie was taken aback by that response. "Not me too what?"

"Alyssa's not my girlfriend."

Uh... what the fuck? Ellie blinked. "She's not? Cuz... the way she just acted..."

"Girls act weird sometimes," he shrugged. "She's so bossy. I do what I want -- she doesn't own me."

Ellie furrowed her brow. "So... she was your girlfriend at some point, or..."

"I dunno. Dude, finish your hand story, it was just getting good! So Joel left you and Sophie by your campfire to check out the noises..."

Ellie didn't know what to think. Why won't he just tell me she's his girlfriend? Tommy and Maria wouldn't lie about that! ...Does he still have a thing for me? Or... like, if he DOES, shouldn't he want to use his relationship with Alyssa to make me jealous? ...But maybe Clicker didn't know that he was supposed to do that. Joel always said that male brains were much less complicated than female brains... and she couldn't imagine Clicker doing the sort of research in the library that she herself had done...

"Hello?" Clicker nudged her.

"Sorry -- I'll finish telling you later, okay? I really think you should go catch up with Alyssa. But hey -- why did she call you Cordy? And your club guy called you that, too, actually."

"Well... I mean it is my name..."

"I know, but you loved it when I called you Clicker. You made that your name. Your nickname." Cordy was a nickname, too, short for Cordyceps, because his biological parents had obviously been whack jobs. The 'Clicker' moniker had stuck, though, and it seemed like more people called him that instead of Cordy now. Alyssa included, or so she had thought! "Do you not like it anymore?"

"No, I do! I do! It's still my name."

Said earnestly enough that she believed him. "But... only if I call you that? No one else?" Like how my 'baby girl' nickname is only from Joel?

"No -- everyone calls me that. Mostly. Except the Idaho people, some of them call me Cordy. Alyssa thinks Clicker is a dumb name."

"...Huh. Because I gave it to you, then. Right? I swear I've heard her call you that before."

Clicker scrunched up his face the way he always did when something was churning in his brain. "She did used to... I thought maybe she thought it was kid stuff, like? Cuz now I'm thirteen? But-- omigod, you're right! It's because it's from you! That's so stupid. Like... who cares who made it up? Girls are so dumb!"

She couldn't just let him keep bashing her gender without even any mock offense being taken. "Hey, boys aren't always brilliant, either. How many months has it been, genius... and you still never figured out why she didn't like it without my help?"

He rolled his eyes at her. "Don't be mean, homes -- I wasn't saying you were dumb--"

She poked his arm. "That right there is mean! You keep saying I'm not a girl!" she laughed. Even the 'homes' nickname was more for a boy. She preferred homie, homegirl, or home slice. Really, plain old 'dude' was sufficient. -Except that's more for a boy, too -- especially when Joel says it! Joel used it differently, though. He never addressed people as 'dude' -- he would just refer to guys as dudes sometimes in conversation. "In case you haven't noticed, I am a girl." She anticipated a snarky comeback to that.

"Of course you're a girl," Clicker mumbled, totally un-snarkily... the blush creeping back into his cheeks.

How fucking cute is that?! Ellie would get annoyed with Joel for thinking it was cute when she herself blushed, but of course, she was allowed to think so when it was Clicker's face turning into a tomato. Not quite a fully-ripened tomato, but... shit...I think maybe he DOES still like me... "Homie. Go! Seriously. I'm back now, so we can talk any time. I promise I'll tell you everything that happened. Anything you wanna know."

He beamed at her, awkwardness forgotten. "It's so cool that you're back! Most of the time... when people go somewhere..."

"You never know if they're coming back," Ellie finished for him. She knew that all too well herself, and it sucked.

"I'm just really glad that... nothing happened to you, you know?" He leaned over and gave her a quick side hug before standing up. "Now don't ever leave town again!"

"Now who's the bossy one," Ellie snickered; she remained in her seat, since it seemed like that might help Clicker to actually leave, somehow. "Bye... see you later!"

"Yeah? Will you be in here later? Sometimes me and Wyatt play if we have time before the movies."

"Wyatt?"

"Yeah -- my DM. You're gonna love this new game we got -- it's called Grand Theft Auto -- you get to drive cars and stuff -- but way more than that -- it's like being in the real world before everyone got infected! Anyways he's really good at it. He's freaking amazing at any game he plays, really, which is crazy cuz before he came to Jackson, he'd never even seen a PS3. Now you can play with us!"

Huh... so now he likes the PS3 more than the Wii? And what the fuck is a DM... is that like a BFF for dudes? Clicker had never played much with the other kids once he and Ellie had become gaming buddies... but, she supposed it wasn't realistic to expect that he'd just keep playing by himself forever after she left. Especially with the limited number of consoles and TVs available. Ellie forced a smile. "Sounds good!"

Now it was her turn to feel jealous.

* * * * * *

The story reader that day was a teenage girl named Karen. She used to be Young Karen, officially, but now that Old Karen was gone, she was just Karen. Ellie liked her, for the most part. Things had been a little strained between them after The Rumors (it was silly to think of that as such a big deal... an event with a definitive before-and-after... although that's what it felt like sometimes). But Ellie was willing to let bygones be bygones, as they say... with pretty much everyone except Jacob and Christine. Karen was one of those people who was great one on one, but like... if a group of people started talking shit, she would go with the flow rather than stand up for Ellie. Karen suggested that they entertain the kids together, taking alternate pages or voicing different characters, and that turned out to be pretty fun. Ellie knew nearly all of the kids, and they all seemed to remember her (I guess I haven't been gone THAT long...). It didn't feel like a competition, for whatever reason; the kids liked her and they also liked Karen. It was all good.

Towards the end, the kids were more eager to hear about her trip, and Karen seemed content to let Ellie take over... but there were a couple of kids there who had never heard the story they were doing, so Ellie insisted they finish the book -- with the promise of a question-and-answer session afterwards. The session was... interesting. Ellie tried to answer every single question, no matter how silly or random... when she could get a word in edgewise! Trying to get them to be patient and take turns asking her stuff rather than talking over each other wasn't really working.

"Did you get chased by a shark?" "Did you see any dolphins?" "Did you ride a sea turtle like Captain Jack?" "Are there mermaids in the ocean?" "Did you at least get to SEE a shark?" "Weren't you on a island?" "What about an octopus?" "Does California have toilets?" "Did the boat have a pirate flag?" "Are all the infested people mean?" (INFESTED... Ellie would have to remember to share that gem with Joel) "Did you find Nemo in the water?" "No -- Ariel! Did you see Ariel?" "She couldn't see Ariel -- at the end she's NOT a mermaid! Remember?" "Michelangelo likes the beach -- was he there too?" "Did you eat Sebastian?" "Or any lobsters at all?" (a pause in the proceedings for a heated debate on whether Sebastian was a crab or a lobster, or if the two words basically meant the same thing.) "Did you see Ursula?" "No of course she didn't -- Ursula died! Don't you remember ANYTHING?"

Yeah... it was impossible to keep up with everything the kids fired at her, but Ellie did her best to satisfy all their curiosities!

Some of the older kids, teens, and more than a few adults who happened to be in the library had drifted over at some point... like they wanted to hear what she had to say, too. She was thankful for this when one little girl ran off crying about Sebastian -- even though Ellie promised she hadn't eaten him! -- and someone kindly broke away from the crowd to go comfort the girl. Ellie rolled her eyes at the resulting teasing about how mean it was of her to "make the kids cry."

Overall, it was a fun afternoon. Definitely better than generic "so how was your trip?" questions, which tended to elicit generic answers. "It was good." / "The travel part was hard." / "Nice, but it's good to be home." Etcetera. She felt a little pang here and there when she caught sight of Dee's mother, Deborah, behind the checkout counter... where Paige was supposed to be on weekdays. But Paige isn't dead -- she just LEFT. Most of those people who left over the winter... they could come back any time. They're FINE.

She didn't know this, of course. No one could possibly know. Some of them had a better chance of returning than others... like the ones who had gone to Idaho -- to the medical center. Whole families would move up there rather than just send off the person who needed care. Or sometimes not the whole family (not ones that had young kids, especially), but at least one other person. If Ellie were ever to need that kind of help, she would never go without Joel, of course... and she certainly wouldn't ever let Joel go by himself! So she understood why it was more than just the sick or injured people who made that journey. Jackson's little medical clinic was very limited, but at this place, they were doing surgeries to fix people's backs... hearts... knees... eyes... some of them were what Tommy called 'elective surgeries,' not just life-and-death stuff. Procedures that used to be considered necessary in the old days to improve quality of life, but just like a zillion other things, had fallen by the wayside when those days ended. Just that term -- quality of life -- sounded rather indulgent to Ellie. Because shouldn't people just be happy that they have a life, for however long it lasts? It was exciting to know that there were people committed to improving the lives of others by doing those kinds of surgeries. (She got the feeling it was sad that she felt that way, because all three of them -- Joel, Tommy, and Maria -- had gotten all you-should-'ve-been-around-in-MY-day about it afterward. But at least they were all in agreement that it was a great thing!)

Anyway, the medical center only accounted for a small part of the 'missing' population. Some had died after being caught Outside in a blizzard (Ellie could only imagine how horrible it must have been for the search party who eventually found their frozen -- or thawing -- bodies). And one group had just plain vanished. Then their loved ones who set out to find them vanished, too. No, maybe not -- they might just... not have made it home yet. ...Even several months after. -Except for the woman who went searching for her husband and was found dead two months later. Presumably another victim of a storm, as she'd had no obvious injuries inflicted by Infected or hunters. Poor Yulia... she never found Angel... I almost hope he DOESN'T come back now, cuz how shitty would he feel about that?!

Ellie had only heard Clicker's recollections. And while the kid wouldn't make this shit up, of course, she still intended to ask Tommy and Maria more about these incidents. Yulia was tough, but who was tough enough to survive out there on their own, truly? Clicker said that search parties had been sent. That they just couldn't find anything. Ellie could imagine how frustrating it must have been to wait and wait and hope and then just... nothing. Or if you're with the search party to begin with, and they want to give up... Yeah, I wouldn't be satisfied with a search party's word for it, either -- I'd have to go look for myself, if it was--

But no -- that would never happen to her, with Joel. Because Ellie was going to remind Joel that he promised never to go Outside without her. We stick together!

And then, the ones who didn't go Out and look for themselves... people talked about. Like Christine's roommate, Olivia, whose boyfriend never came back. Ellie didn't really have anything against the girl, other than her choice in housemates... but when Clicker didn't include her on the list of people who had left and never returned -- and then confirmed it when Ellie had flat-out asked -- Ellie couldn't help thinking "oh, I guess she didn't really care about him that much." So, which was worse: to accept the search party's verdict and not even try to find your loved one yourself, or to go ahead and try but then return empty-handed in a few days because it was 'too hard'? Because apparently, both of those scenarios had happened. She could imagine that people would get tired and hungry and just... lose hope, after a while.

Ellie had really only scratched the surface of her feelings about any of it during that conversation with Clicker... and when she was with the kids, she had to shove aside any thoughts that bubbled up; the great thing about kids, though, was that they made that pretty easy. She was looking forward to talking it all over with Joel later... if he was up for it.

Ellie was so busy entertaining the crowd that she didn't even notice when Annie had become part of it. She just happened to look up at one point and see her smiling face back there. Annie gave her an excited little wave, and Ellie decided she'd spent enough time with the masses... she'd given them enough 'goods' to spread bits and pieces of her adventures through the town. She may have exaggerated a little here and there, but since they were going to exaggerate it themselves in the retelling anyway, she was basically just giving them a head start! After declaring 'story hour' officially over -- and hugging the 'huggy' kids of the bunch -- she approached Annie, who was hanging back shyly. ...Maybe even sheepishly?

Ellie felt a bit awkward herself. "Hey," she said lamely.

"Hey," Annie parroted back. "You didn't have to cut that short. I was enjoying your... uh... show?"

Ellie snorted. "It was fun, but I was ready for it to end, so it's okay. I think all the questions broke my brain a little. So..."

"Can we go for a walk or something?" Annie suggested.

"Sure. Yeah."

The two girls strolled out of the library and started ambling down the street -- away from the busiest part of the 'town square,' as it was called (even though it was more like a rectangle). "We can play a little game... see how many changes Ellie can spot in the town," Ellie joked.

But Annie wasted no time -- she looked at Ellie earnestly, wringing her hands. "I'm really sorry about last night, Ellie. I feel awful about it."

"...You do? Why?" Ellie asked innocently. Like she hadn't been upset at all last night. Me? Upset? No....

"Because... after you left... my mom made me realize how you must have felt, when you--"

"Wait -- your mom? She doesn't know how I feel!" Ellie scoffed (although she suspected that perhaps Esther actually did).

"Well... she was guessing? She felt bad, too, because she didn't tell you about Meredith when she let you in."

"Big deal. Seriously -- so what? It's fine! You've always had other friends. I have, too. And especially-- I mean, I fucking left. What were you supposed to do -- sit around waiting for me? Do you think I wanted you to do that?" Oh, what a voice of reason I am today!

Annie gave her a look that sliced right through the bullshit. "Ellie... come on."

...Except it's NOT bullshit! Not... exactly? Everything she had just said was true! "Come on what? I don't care who you spend your-- er-- no, okay, that's not totally true. I don't want you wasting your time and energy on that asshole Jacob. Other than that, though, it's totally up to you." She grabbed Annie's arm to stop her midstride. "Please tell me you've told that dickweed to fuck off by now. Please!"

Annie giggled. "I've missed you. You always make me laugh."

"That's not an answer!" Ellie growled theatrically.

Annie shrugged off her hand and resumed walking, forcing Ellie to do the same. "We're not... together, if that's what you mean."

"Fuck yeah!" Ellie exclaimed. "That's a start. So... are you telling me you're still..." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "...friends?!"

Annie pursed her lips in thought. "Welllllllll... I wouldn't go that far."

"I'll take it!" Ellie declared triumphantly.

"I did forgive him, you know," Annie added casually.

"Nooooo! You were thinking about forgiving him--"

"And then I did, basically. He was truly sorry."

"He says he's sorry! Words are cheap! Not just cheap -- they're free, actually."

"Sheesh, Ellie, if I can forgive him, surely you can, too!" Annie laughed.

"You're too fucking nice. I will just have to hate him enough for both of us," Ellie declared, only half joking. And Joel thinks I'M sweet?! Annie was like... pure sugar, versus Ellie's strawberry-sweetness.

"You don't have to hate him. Hate Christine, if you just have to hate someone. She hasn't shown any remorse whatsoever."

"Oh, I have enough hate for both of them!" But just as she said it, Ellie realized she had no idea if it was true. Time did have a way of softening things like anger and pain. "Okay, let's be real... I haven't seen either one of them, so I don't know if I still hate them? I definitely don't like them or anything -- fuck no -- but... when I think back to some of the stuff that happened... it all seems kind of..."

"Like ancient history?" Annie supplied.

"That, and... I dunno. Like kid stuff, or something. Getting in fights with them... like, actual, physical fights... I'm sort of... over that, I guess?" Ellie sighed loudly before Annie could reply. "Or maybe I'm full of it and the second one of them says something to piss me off, I'll be all... right up in their faces again."

"Kid stuff," Annie said thoughtfully. "So you grew up out there in California, huh?"

Oh, how badly Ellie wanted to tell her exactly in what way she had grown up! But she couldn't just drop a bomb like "I'm not a virgin anymore" and expect Annie to be content to leave it at that. No, Ellie was going to have to continue to have an 'unrequited crush' on Joel. That would at least allow her to gush about him in some manner, even if it did produce a pity response sometimes. "I had a birthday, so I guess I did!" is how Ellie answered, feeling oh-so-clever.

"That's right!" Annie gasped. "I owe you a present."

"You do not. Fuck. No offense, but what could you even give me that I'd want? Something you don't already give me, I mean -- like, food doesn't count." Like PIE... Ellie was glad she'd caught herself before blurting out a word that would bring Annie straight back to last night.

"I'll make you a dress exactly like this one!" Annie did a little twirl to show it off from all angles.

Ellie just glared at her.

"Hey, you liked that other dress so much you decided to keep it," Annie reminded her with a grin.

"It has a shorter skirt and a cute... top part," Ellie pointed out. And it shows off so much skin that Joel can't keep his hands off me when I wear it... well, okay, he CAN if we're in public, because he's annoyingly GOOD about that, but still... maybe it was time to bust it out again, now that they were home! "And I've only worn it twice. It's not exactly getting a lot of action." (...Ellie just had to snicker to herself at that choice of words.)

"No worries, I'll think of a better gift. Like... a bonnet to match the-- eeeeep!" Annie squealed as Ellie shoved her...

...a little harder than I meant to, oops! She was too accustomed to mock-assaulting Joel (and having nearly-zero effect on him).

But Annie was giggling. "Okay, I get it -- nothing girly!" She fell back in step with Ellie and bumped her shoulder lightly.

Unless you wanna make me some slutty-looking thing to wear for Joel? Ha! "I told you -- you don't have to get me anything. I didn't get you a gift."

"What? Yes you did! Don't you remember? You and Joel both did! That morning off?"

Ellie remembered. She had conspired with Esther to make it happen. It was supposed to be a whole day, but she'd caught Annie 'cheating' that afternoon. Ellie had dragged Joel into it because it was shortly after their relationship had morphed into romance, and she couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him all day on one of his days off, but still wanted to do this for Annie. "That doesn't count -- that wasn't a gift!" she argued.

"Oh yes it was. That was the most indulgent... lazy..."

"Relaxing," Ellie corrected her. "We should do that for you more often. For your mom, too. Everyone else takes days off! Even on the other farms. It's not like we don't have enough extra hands around town. Especially now."

"You sound like Will," Annie replied with an eyeroll. "He always has some excuse to escape lately. Anyway -- you know the other farms don't have all the animals that we do. Although Four will probably catch up to us this summer... or maybe next."

"Oh wow... so things are going good up there."

"So far." Annie kicked a little stone in front of her, staring at it with a strange intensity. "Can I tell you something?"

"Nope, you better not," Ellie teased, kicking the rock away when it skittered into her path. "No, what's up?"

The look Annie gave her then... she almost seemed afraid. "If I tell you... you can't tell anyone, okay? Not even Joel."

Ellie gasped as if she found that shocking. "Not even Joel? Jeez, this must be serious." Not like Joel would even care, whatever it is...

"You promise, then?"

"I promise. So spill!"

Annie returned to looking down, even with no rock to pretend-focus on this time. "Well... I don't know if you remember... it was only a little while before you left, when they got here... there was this guy... Colton?... He--"

"Omigod omigod -- you and Colton?!" Ellie broke in excitedly, grabbing her friend's arm and yanking her to a stop again -- not that much yanking was needed since they were moving at a snail's pace. "Yessss! Fuck, did you have to let me ramble on about Jacob before? You could've just told me--"

"Shut up!" Annie hissed, glancing around furtively.

"There's no one around! But so what if there was -- you two are a thing?!" And it's not like one of you is sixteen and the other is fifty, so why hide it? Ellie couldn't think of any other good reason to be secretive!

"No! Calm down," Annie laughed. "We are not a thing. ... ...Unfortunately."

"Aha -- I knew I was onto something!" Ellie smirked. "Okay okay -- so, you want to be a thing. What's the problem? And if you say he's too old for you, I'm so gonna kick your ass!"

They started walking again, keeping to the middle of the street. "Um, no, his age... is pretty much perfect? He's a year and a half older than me."

It didn't sound perfect to Ellie, but then, she was partial to thirty-four-and-a-half-year age gaps herself. I can't even imagine Joel being that young... how would he know what to do all the time in every situation imaginable if he was so close to MY age? Or was he just BORN knowing everything? The way Tommy talked about their past kind of made it sound that way to Ellie... except, whenever he went way back in time, it was hard for her to connect the young person in the story to her Joel. Like the Joel that had accidentally gotten his girlfriend pregnant, even though there was all kinds of things you could do to prevent that in those days. It was just so... un-Joel-like. But-- back to Annie-- "And... the problem is... ? -Oh! Duh! Of course -- he moved, so now it's a long distance relationship! You never get to see him!" Farm 4 was the only one located outside the walls... like, very much Outside. Miles and miles.

"It's not a relationship at all, mind you, but yeah, that's part of it." She sighed wistfully. "It was so nice when he'd come down, before they left... we'd go riding in the afternoons sometimes... like me and you used to. Which... I hope you'll want to start doing again?"

"Of course! Unless you're gonna be wishing I was ~Colton~ the whole time," Ellie teased.

"Silly Ellie." Annie bumped her shoulder again. "No, I've missed that. With him, yeah, but before that, with you. That's actually the reason we started doing it: I told him I missed riding with you."

Ellie stared at her shoes, already hating herself for having to ask the question bubbling up: "What about Meredith?"

"Meredith? She's not a horse person. Not like you two."

Ellie had never thought of herself as a 'horse person.' Colton had come from a ranch in Nebraska -- he was a horse person. Anyway, she was glad she didn't have to hate herself for asking after all; it was nice to know she still shared one thing with Annie that the other girl didn't.

"Speaking of horses," Annie continued, a playful note in her voice. "Would you happen to know anything about the new horse we found in the stables this morning?"

Ellie clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh shit -- sorry! I tooooootally forgot to tell you!"

Annie waved off her apology. "He's a handsome boy. What's his name?"

"Fox. It's a... silver thing? I dunno." Ellie thought of foxes as more brown, or orange-y. Oh man... I don't wanna tell her about Spirit! But I have to. "Um, can we go sit... like on that swing, maybe? Or does someone live there now?"

Annie followed Ellie's gaze to the porch swing of the house in question. "No idea. Maybe they wouldn't mind if we borrowed their swing?"

Ellie tried to imagine if she would be annoyed to find random people hanging around her house... and decided she would be (although she might have been a little biased, because she and Joel valued their privacy more than most people!). "Let's just keep walking. I, um... have to tell you something. Something that sucks. But I guess it's not like you have to be sitting down to hear it. People always do that, right? 'You'd better sit down', they say... if it's bad news... like, what, they're going to faint or something if they don't? I don't think you're going to faint, but if you do, I'll totally catch you, I swear. -Don't look at me like that -- yes I'm using rambling as a stall tactic, okay? Ugh! Just... don't hate me when I tell you." Not that Ellie really thought she would...

"I could never hate you," Annie assured her -- and Ellie knew she meant it. "And I want to hear everything. The good, the bad... whatever's in between those... the neutral?"

Ellie snorted. "Neutral sounds boring as fuck. We'll be walking around all night and well into tomorrow if I tell you eeeeeverything." Besides, I can't! I wish I could but I CAN'T!

She did end up telling her a lot, though. Annie was really easy to talk to. Sympathetic and kind, a good listener... not someone who only half-listens while secretly they're just waiting -- preparing -- for their turn to talk. (Ellie did that herself on occasion.)

Not only was Annie not angry about Spirit, but she seemed to feel Ellie's pain over losing him. Like... it upset her more that Ellie was upset by it, not because they'd failed to return a horse they borrowed. Annie even tried to cheer her up by saying Spirit hated it on the farm anyway, hated the work... Ellie didn't quite buy it, but she knew there was some truth to it -- it was one reason they'd chosen to take him to California, after all -- and she appreciated the effort. She told Annie about the rest of that trip -- mostly good and bad, but some of it probably qualified as in between. She tried (and failed spectacularly) to explain what the ocean was like. The beach. Sailing. Shellfish. Campfires and solar lights and feeling warm outside even in January (well, sometimes!). The people, of course -- she knew Annie would be interested in them. Anything Ellie could think of that was different from Wyoming, as the novelty automatically made it more interesting. And Sophie! She was from Jackson, obviously, but Ellie had gotten to know her so much better, and Annie was surprised at the change in her attitude towards the woman. In fact, Annie confessed she'd been expecting to be regaled with tales of how awful Sophie was on the trip. (It actually made Ellie feel a bit guilty, to know that she'd voiced her unfounded dislike of Sophie enough that Annie was then shocked at how close they'd become.)

Despite having weeks to come up with a better answer to the inevitable "what made you decide it was time to leave?" question, Ellie generically cited homesickness and the baby. Legit reasons, and Annie had no reason to doubt her, but it was still a lame "we just sort of knew" type answer, at the heart of it. She was surprised to find that she wanted to tell Annie the real reason. But, she had agreed with Joel on that one, too: the less said, the better. She had assumed she'd be perfectly happy never talking about any of it again anyway. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why DO I want to tell her? Joel did encourage her to talk about things sometimes, rather than keep them bottled up ("yes I'm a goddamn hypocrite," he would add)... but she didn't feel like this shit was trapped in a bottle, begging to be let out. She could talk to Joel about it if she needed to.

...Even though I never want to bother him with it... was that it, then? Annie would be more receptive because she wasn't as... invested, or whatever?

Ellie felt like she was being disloyal to Joel, thinking like that. I CAN talk to him, if I need to... he's really great, most of the time... but there was something different about talking to a friend. A girl friend, especially. Sometimes a girl just needed female companionship.

And this was the connection she'd been hoping to feel with Annie last night. It's still there! Maybe both of them had changed some, over the winter... as had Jackson itself... but at their core, and at its core, they were the same in all the ways that mattered.

She and Annie ended up talking for hours, and Ellie forgot all about Meredith... forgot all the stupid jealous feelings. She felt like she'd found the last missing piece of the puzzle, and she was really home now. A place where she belonged. I have my best friend back!

~Continue to Chapter 30~

"Singularity" Chapter 28: "Sugar and Spice" [28/49]

2022-02-23T13:05:34Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 28: "Sugar and Spice" [28/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,603
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

"Finally I'm like the real Dorothy -- wearing slippers! Only mine are pink instead of ruby." Ellie sighed contentedly from one of her favorite places to be: nestled in Joel's arms on the lumpy old couch that they pretended was his bed. Joel was idly caressing her, alternating between her hair and her arm.

"Yours are much better," Joel said lightly.

She grinned up at him. "Still lusting after the bunnies, huh? We have to find you a pair!" She had been threatening to do that for a long time...

"Too bad they didn't make goofy shit like that in my size." Said with a pang of longing, even.

Ha! "Says who? I bet they did. Your feet aren't ginormous. Oh! Maybe we can put in a request for some, since the military's kissing our asses now!"

Joel snorted. "That ain't what they're doin'."

"Then what would you call it?" Maria had told her all about the extra stuff they'd been getting. It sounded like a pretty fucking sweet deal.

"Hmm. Groomin', maybe."

"What? Really?" That made her think of Caleb and Parker. How could it apply to a whole town? But she could tell Joel wasn't trying to be funny. "You just love using that word, for some reason. It doesn't make sense, though. You said it's when an older person sort of... molds a younger person into what they want. Right?"

"Basically."

"So... you're equating Jackson to a naïve young person, in this scenario?"

"I s'pose I am."

"Pffff. Tommy's not that much younger than you." Maria was even younger... still old, though. Well beyond what Ellie would have considered 'grooming' territory, based on things Joel had said. I missed her birthday, too! She's thirty-five now!

"I think they might actually see what's comin' down the pike," Joel said thoughtfully (and Ellie still didn't know what a pike was, when it wasn't a fish). "They just either don't care, or don't see another option."

"Oh yeah? So what's the pike doing, and what's the Joel solution?" she smirked.

Joel chuckled. "Ain't got one handy. I just think I would've tried to put it off longer. Maybe come up with somethin' else in the meantime."

"Put what off? Getting nice shit?"

"The military takin' over."

OH. If that's what he believed was going on, she could understand why he was so negative about the whole thing -- and it was utterly predictable that he would take the most cynical outlook possible. "You really think that's what they're doing?" ...What did Tommy tell him that Maria didn't tell ME?

"Eventually. Yes."

Ellie frowned. "I dunno. Why wouldn't they just do it, then? Why wait?"

"Sometimes it's best to do things in stages," Joel replied smoothly, like he'd already answered the question in his head before. "Big company takes over a smaller one, they don't just roll in there an' kick out the current regime right away. Not if they're smart. They tell everyone it's business as usual so there's no panic... an' no uprisin'. They learn shit from the people who are still there. Then they start makin' their changes... little by little, 'til they get exactly what they want."

Ellie was still dubious. "They've been nothing but nice to us, from what I hear. They're not trying to kick anyone out. You're talking about businesses -- that's old world stuff."

"It could still apply here. I think it's real easy for them to give us shiny new things when they expect us to... just take those things an' make the town better for them in the long run. They ain't really givin' anythin' away, see. Not when it all comes back to them in the end."

"Shiny things? You mean like the new paint?"

"New things in general. But yes, that's one."

"Okay but don't even pretend you're not excited about that. I've heard you bitch multiple times about how sucky it is to build something, or repair something on a house, knowing it won't last the way it should cuz you can't paint it and prime it and whatever else you wanna do to it. ...Oooo that sounded kinda dirty there at the end..."

"Sounds like it'll be nicer, sure. But I wouldn't say I'm... excited."

"Not yet, maybe," she purred, squiggling up to give him a kiss. "Maybe we should go to bed before you get too tired..."

"Young lady. Are you tryin' to seduce me to get out of answerin' my question from earlier?" Joel accused.

"Noooooo... would I do that?" she asked sweetly.

"Mmhmm." But he did indulge her with a couple of lingering kisses before speaking again. "I've missed this. Jus' sittin' with you like this."

"Me too. It's been soooooo long!" Not that they hadn't cuddled elsewhere. It had just been a really long time since they'd sat together on their own sofa in their own house. Since a couple weeks before they'd left Jackson. Ellie had forgotten that there used to be a board over their bedroom window; the window had been replaced before they even left (Joel did it himself, if she remembered correctly?), but they had moved their essential stuff to Tommy and Maria's -- where it still remained, because Joel and Tommy had only bothered to bring over the bags from their trip. Ellie kind of wished she could have seen how the two of them managed to juggle all that shit that Fox had been carrying, because Joel said they'd made it in one trip. Actually, she wished she'd stuck around to help, considering how things had turned out for her. Why had she been in such a hurry to get to the farm? She sighed. "Joel, don't ever change, okay?"

"I'm pretty old an' set in my ways by now, so don't worry." He smiled and kissed her nose.

"You'd better be. At least in the ~ways~ that include me."

He gave her a squeeze. "What's wrong, kiddo?"

What's wrong... hmmm... maybe nothing? Ellie knew she was probably overreacting. "Nothing. I mean, it's just me. It's stupid."

"Well, what's wrong with you, then?" he prodded gently. "Talk to me."

Part of her just wanted to forget everything and lose herself in physical pleasures instead... Joel probably wouldn't mind not talking right now, either... but he really did seem to want to know what had possessed her to run off like she had. "I think you predicted this. Didn't you point out that Emerald City wasn't home? And that's where we are now -- the Emerald City."

"...Don't it feel like home to you? You homesick for California?"

"Yes -- and no -- er... I mean, our house? Sure, it's home. Tommy and Maria's was a little weird, but I was expecting that. I kind of miss the beach, and some of the people, but... I don't know about homesick. I don't feel... I'm not sick or anything." She knew 'homesickness' didn't necessarily refer to illness, but it sounded like a worse condition than just missing a place once in a while.

"All right, so what was it you weren't expectin'? You ready to tell me what happened at the farm?"

"So Annie didn't tell you anything," she deduced from that. He would've mentioned the other girl by now if he knew!

"Only that you forgot your belt."

"I told you -- I didn't forget it!"

"Well, she didn't tell me you... 'couldn't get to it'. Care to explain that one now?"

"Okay, so, when I got there, Esther answered the door. She said Annie was in the back room." Ellie paused.

"And... she wasn't?"

"She was."

"So... ?"

"What she failed to mention was that there was another girl there, too. And Joel -- they were sewing." She made sure her tone conveyed just how egregious she considered the activity.

"Horrors," Joel remarked dryly. "That sounds just awful."

She swatted him. "It was! Like... all Annie wanted to talk about was her stupid dress! And how awesome this stupid girl is!"

"Does this stupid girl have a name?"

"Meredith," Ellie spat out like the rotten thing that it was.

"And you don't like her," Joel surmised.

"No!"

"Why not? Was she mean? ...Rude?"

"No."

"Obnoxious in any way?"

"No -- she was nice. Maybe just fake-nice, though. I couldn't tell."

"So... you don't like her 'cause she's a friend of Annie's. A friend who sews. Is that right?"

"That sounds really lame, when you put it like that -- you don't get it! If you had seen the two of them--"

"You're jealous, is what I'm sayin'," Joel cut in. "You think Annie shouldn't have any friends except you. That this whole winter, she should've--"

"Nooooo! Of course she can have other friends. She does have other friends besides me! I mean she did before, even!"

"Okay, calm down." He kissed her forehead. "I didn' mean to make you sound like the bad guy. It's natural for you to feel jealous... if you feel like this Meredith girl is tryin' to take your place."

"She did take my place -- literally! Esther called us over for pie, and the bitch told Esther to go sit cuz she would take care of everything -- such a suck-up -- and then when she was done, she sat in my chair at the table!"

Joel absorbed that for a moment. "Was there nowhere else for you to sit?"

Seriously?! "That's not the point! Annie didn't even tell her to move. Like she wanted her to sit there, right next to her. Or she completely forgot that it's where I always sit." Hmm, which one is worse?

"All right, but... in the end, it's just a damn chair. Maybe that's where this... Meredith girl sits, since you've been gone."

"She took my place," Ellie gritted out. "And of course Annie likes her better than me. Why wouldn't she? I never helped her like... discover a new hobby. I never did sewing and stuff with her."

"Mm. Unless you count fixin' a button here'n'there, you never did that with me, either. I still like you all right."

She swatted him harder. "Because you don't give a fuck about sewing!"

"Sewing and stuff. Don't forget the stuff."

Does he HAVE to be so infuriating right now?! "I'm sorry I told you, if you're just gonna be a dick about it," she huffed. THAT should make him say--

"I'm sorry," he said, although he was still a bit too amused for Ellie's liking. "Just tryin' to make you smile. And maybe to make you see that it don't have to be the end of the world."

"I didn't say it was the end of the world," she said crossly, plucking idly at his shirt.

"What I still don't get is why you had to leave your guns there."

He was waiting for her to explain... and this was the part that was harder to justify. "Fine," she sighed. "Have you ever been some place, a place you used to love, and you stand there and it hits you -- you realize you can't stand being-- or, no -- that you're not supposed to be there? Like it's just all wrong? So then you have to leave. Immediately." She glanced at him.

He had a blank look on his face. "Uh... can't say that I have. Maybe that's a girl thing."

She rolled her eyes. "You've never wanted to leave anywhere? Never felt uncomfortable? Out of place?" That didn't encompass the whole feeling, but...

"Sure. Any time we stumbled into some hunters' camp, or a bunch of--"

"Besides that!" she groaned. "Take out the danger part. I mean like... emotionally."

"All right, well... sometimes I just wanna be alone with you..." He hitched her up a little to nip at her neck.

That response, at least, made her smile, even though essentially it didn't answer the question. He can be really sweet when he wants to be! "Okay then."

He pulled her fully into his lap. "But that ain't what you described a second ago. And it don't explain the guns."

She settled her arms around his neck. I can't hide from him so easily here, but at least I can distract him with kisses if I get tired of talking about this? "You know that back room that has pretty much nothing in it? Now it's full of sewing crap. That's where I left my guns to go eat pie. Only I never actually ate the pie because... I just had to go. So I made excuses -- I said I had people to go visit -- and I found my backpack on the way to the door and that made me remember I left my guns back there, but Esther was already suspicious of me leaving in a hurry like that and she was asking if I was sure I was okay and stuff, so obviously I couldn't just go back there."

"Obviously," he agreed -- looking confused.

She sighed again. "Because she was already coming out to check on me and she would've like... cornered me if I went back in that room, and it would've been soooo awkward, especially if the other two joined in! Just -- no thank you. I figured I'd just go sneak in and get them in the morning or something. Possibly without you even noticing I didn't have them," she added sheepishly.

"I see."

"Do you? Do you get it now?"

"Why would you have to be sneaky? Couldn't you just go back an' say--"

"What, talk to them again? Let them humiliate me some more?"

"...How did they humiliate you?"

"By making it so clear I don't belong there anymore!" Duh!

"So... they were hostile."

"No! It wasn't anything... blatant like that."

"They just made you feel unwelcome," he amended.

"Well... not exactly... they were all nice to me. I'm just an idiot, okay? Can we leave it at that?"

"No." He tweaked her nose. "You're not an idiot. You're just... oversensitive. Maybe a little paranoid."

"Paranoid? I barely even got to talk to Annie," she complained.

"Maybe if you hadn't've left so fast... -Wait. You mean to tell me you didn't even eat the pie?"

"Nope. I just left."

"Damn. This is more serious than I thought. My Ellie would never pass up one of Esther's pies." He held the back of his hand to her forehead. "You sure you ain't comin' down with somethin'?"

"Very funny. I did tell her to save my slice, though."

"Aha. So you do plan on goin' back for another visit."

"I wanted to in the morning, but-- fuck, I didn't even tell you! This is the worst part -- Meredith is spending the night over there."

Joel gasped in mock horror at that.

"It's not funny! She's helping Annie do chores -- so now they have sewing and farm stuff in common."

"I'm sorry you have to spend the night with me instead," he said solemnly, tugging her in for a kiss. "I'll try to make it up to you..."

"Oooo I like the sound of that," she giggled as he nipped at her neck again. "I wasn't going to sleep down there myself, silly. But you know... if Annie really wanted to talk to me, she could've tried harder."

He pulled back to look at her. "She came all the way up here to bring back your belt, didn't she?"

Ellie snorted. "Yeah, and I bet she did that so she wouldn't have to see me tomorrow -- she probably thought I'd come back to get it. And why did she even come here when I told her I was going to go visit some more people? She knew I wasn't here!"

Joel chuckled. "You are paranoid. I reckon she thought you might've been fibbin' about visitin' other people. She truly seemed disappointed when I told her you weren't here. Don't worry, I didn't blow your cover. I said I knew you'd gone to see her but didn' know where else you were goin' after that. Wasn't even a lie."

Given her abrupt exit, and the fact that Annie wasn't a moron, Ellie supposed she'd have to 'fess up, the next time she saw her... but I don't wanna think about that right now. "Thanks, I guess. So... why didn't you just wait for me to come home?"

"I did. ...For all of two minutes," he admitted. "I didn't like the thought of you bein' out there without a gun, for one thing. And... I thought you might be upset or somethin'. Since she said you lit outta there in a hurry."

"Awww. You're so sweet, Joel. -Shut up -- you are! So how did you find me?"

He smiled. "I used my... internal Ellie homin' device."

She gave him a look. "No, really."

"Library was the logical choice. Figured you'd find some of your friends there. I didn't see you. The library lady told me you... helped Justin find a book? And that she hadn't seen you since. I know you've hidden in that room before--"

"I wasn't hiding!"

"-- and it was really the only place you could be, unless you gave her the slip. So that reunion went a little better, hm?"

"...Reunion?" With the magazine room?!

"With your friend in the library," he clarified.

"Oh, it was the other Justin." She wasn't really friends with either of them, but she knew teenage Justin was the one Joel meant. She didn't feel like telling Joel why she had approached the guy, though. His Joel brain wouldn't get that I couldn't just go right to the back room to hide with everyone watching-- ...Actually, that did seem a little silly, now that she thought about it. It wasn't like anyone would have gone and bothered her in there. And even if they did, so what? Whatever -- in this case, the surface layer of truth would suffice: "He seemed a little lost so I helped him out. He was totally in the wrong section."

But she got the feeling Joel hadn't heard a word beyond "other Justin." "The other one? The one you said you wanted to sleep with."

"What? I never said that!" she cried.

"Oh yes you did. Remember that night Clicker almost caught us?"

She remembered: Clicker had overheard her saying something incriminating, and they'd had to think fast to cover it up. "Yeah, but I didn't say anything about him -- about Justin!"

"Yes you did -- you said if he'd been the other choice in our fake 'would you rather' game, that I wouldn't stand a chance," Joel recited so perfectly that it jogged Ellie's memory.

"Ohhhh I remember now!" she giggled. "I did say that. Because I was trying to throw Clicker off track!" And make you a little jealous at the same time... It hadn't really worked, though. He'd just gotten kind of pissy.

"We'd already accomplished that by then, as I recall."

"But you know he didn't totally buy it!" And that seed of doubt had only served to lend credibility to the rumors that surfaced later; people knew that she and Clicker were good friends, and he wasn't even convinced, so... yeah. "I'm surprised you even remember. You act like your memory sucks but then you pull stupid little things like this out of there! Has it been bothering you all these months?" she teased.

"Yes. Terribly."

"Aww." She kissed him sweetly. "You were annoyed that I knew he was twenty-eight, too. Well, he might be twenty-nine by now -- I have no idea, you'll be happy to know."

"All right."

"...All right? That's it?!"

"That's it."

"Pfff. You're really bad at this." She leaned in to whisper in his ear. "You're supposed to make me work a little harder to convince you."

"Convince me of what?" he murmured... and she could tell he was just playing dumb.

"That you're the only one I want," she breathed before suckling his earlobe. She loved how she could practically feel the resulting shiver ripple through his body whenever she did it!

"I already know that. You don't gotta prove it." He was clearly trying to sound nonchalant, but Ellie knew he was enjoying himself.

And she was enjoying his hands roving over her back. "Don't you want me to prove it?" she breathed on his neck, nipping it the way he'd just done to hers.

"Eh... nope. I'm good. Thank you."

She jerked her head up to glare at his smirking face. "Liar!" She proceeded to whale on him with both fists -- or, rather, she pretended to, just to elicit a reaction (she could actually hurt him if she wasn't careful).

"Hey -- easy!" He laughed and cowered from her, ducking his head and covering it with his hands. But he didn't try to stop her.

"Take it back! I'm not stopping until you take it back!" She continued with the light blows to his arms and shoulders... and he just sat there.

"Take what back?"

Okay, time to up the hurt-- "Don't -- play -- dumb -- with -- me!"

He endured her pseudo-beatdown for longer than she'd expected him to, laughing... not apologizing or taking back what he'd said. The second she started to let up a little, he made her pay for it: he grabbed her arms, slid his hands up to her wrists, pushed her off his lap and onto the couch, then pinned her with her wrists over her head. All in like... two seconds.

Now she was the one laughing -- and squirming. "Heyyy! No fair-- you're s'posed to-- noooo, stop!" She turned her head when he tried to kiss her. "You have to take it baaaaaaack!"

He dove in for her neck instead. "No I don't. You've got no cause for complaint -- I just did exactly what you wanted me to."

She tried to ignore the pleasant warmth swelling inside her, courtesy of his lips on her flesh... the weight of his body on hers. "Nooooo -- I wanted you to apologize! And to be sweet!"

"Too bad." He pulled up just enough to look at her. "So what were you gonna tell me before... that you said you'd tell me later if I was sweet?"

She giggled. "Well I'm sure as fuck not gonna tell you now, am I!"

He let go of her wrists, but flattened himself over her... all dead-weight-like, so she still couldn't move much. "Sorry... I'll be nice now," he murmured as he nuzzled her cheek.

"Still not telling you," she said stubbornly. Actually, she'd pretty much already told him... he just didn't realize it!

"Mm... that's all right... I reckon we're done talkin' now, don't you think?"

She didn't protest this time when he kissed over to her lips. "Mmmaybe..." Her arms returned to their former position around his neck.

"You forgive me? Hm?" He pressed his lips gently to hers.

She pretended to ponder the matter. "I dunno... I do kinda like the way you're crushing me right now..."

"You always seem to like it, for some strange reason." More little kisses.

"Same reason I like it when you 'squeeze me as hard as you can' -- cuz it's nice being as close as possible?"

He wasn't leaning so heavily on her, now that he was resting his forearms on either side of her head. "Except you ain't really any closer if you're already in my arms. It's just an illusion, see."

"Then... it's just fun being squished? I guess?"

"If you say so."

She smiled wickedly. "You're right, about the closeness -- and there's only one way to get any closer." She tugged his face to hers... his mouth... she parted her lips and his tongue immediately slipped between them, like it had been waiting for the invitation. She kissed him deeply, eagerly... and for some reason, she was reminded of the early days of their romance -- even though she'd kissed him a million times since then. She broke off the kiss and sighed happily. "Remember when this is pretty much all we did?"

"Uh... which time?"

"No, I mean like... in general! We'd just kiss and kiss... until you couldn't stand it anymore..."

Joel chuckled. "Sounds bad when you put it like that. Like I wasn't into it or somethin'."

"Haha... and really it was the opposite!" She wriggled her outside leg free so she could coil it around him. "You couldn't stand it anymore because if we kept going, you would just have to rip my clothes off and... and fuck my brains out!" (She still thought that was kind of a dumb expression, even if she did rather like it.)

"Whereas now... I can just go ahead an' rip your clothes off an' fuck your brains out?"

Oooo he's giving me the SEXY smile! "Yes! Exactly! Just hearing you say that..." She gave an exaggerated shudder. "Total turn-on."

"It is, huh?" He sounded dubious. Adorably dubious.

"It is for you, too," she cooed, pulling his ear to her lips so she could purr into it again -- and because she didn't trust herself not to giggle if she said this to his face: "If I tell you I want you to fuck me..." She knew he liked it when she said that, even if he wouldn't admit it. And she... hadn't really been going there lately. It's still OUR THING, though... She squeezed with her free leg to meld her groin to his. "Mm... yep... total turn-on..."

He did that chuckle-groan thing that she adored so much. "I think it's time we go christen our bed."

"Christen it?" She'd certainly had a lot of fun 'christening' various places in their suite at Golden Sands. "You mean like... cuz we haven't had actual sex in it before?"

"Yep." He lifted his head and kissed her nose. "You did say the river would be all dried up by the time we got home... ?"

She snickered. "My aunt has gone home, yes."

"You go on. I'll lock up."

She smiled at him fondly as he slithered away from her and stood up. "The door's already locked. You mean you'll check the door and all the windows ten times... just in case." Although doing so hadn't stopped some asshole from chucking that rock through one of their windows last year!

"Once each. Not ten times."

She didn't feel like going to the bedroom without Joel, so she just lay there, watching him move around the room... and wishing she could snap her fingers to become magically clad in something irresistibly sexy. I guess I could just... start getting naked?

But she just kept watching him. Listening, when he moved out of sight. She could still 'see' every move he made, because she could imagine his routine perfectly. Even after all these months away. Of course, he'd done similar checks on their trip, so this wasn't a habit he had to relearn. He's so fucking... SENSIBLE. Just ONCE, could he actually get so caught up in the moment that he DOES pretty much rip my clothes off and fuck me right then and there?! Without thinking 'hey I better go check the windows and turn off the lights first'... and, 'bedtime routine' distraction aside, was Joel actually capable of that brand of passion? She wasn't a virgin anymore. They'd had plenty of sex. But he was still always so concerned about her being ready...

Fuck... what the hell, Ellie? Are you seriously annoyed that he doesn't just... GO for it... when the reason he doesn't is cuz he fucking LOVES you and doesn't wanna hurt you? ...Unless that wasn't the real reason. Maybe if I was sexier, he'd--

NO. Stop that! she commanded herself. She knew Joel was attracted to her... which meant he did think she was sexy. He was just a nice guy. And what did she want from him anyway -- did she want him to act like... like Shelby?

Of course that's not what she wanted. And Joel would be conscious of that... of her bad experiences. He always had been. As if he might accidentally say or do something to make her flash back to something unpleasant. Just-- uggghhhhh, I don't know!

What was it Sophie had said to her, on one of their many 'girl talk' walks in the surf... when Ellie had broached the topic of sex allegedly becoming boring after a while -- because she'd heard things to that effect, and it didn't make sense to her. She and Joel had been having sex for a really long time -- like a couple months, by then? -- and while some times were better than others, she was never bored. Sophie had said something about sex getting to be routine and just not as exciting as it was in the beginning... which Ellie supposed was maybe kind of true... and then Sophie had encouraged her to talk to Joel if she ever wanted to try doing things differently. To 'spice things up.' (Everything did taste a little better with the right spices!) However, Ellie hadn't had any specific ideas in mind, and she didn't really think Joel was getting bored. She sure as hell wasn't, but Joel's satisfaction was way more important than her own. After all, she already knew that she would never leave him... and as much as she did truly trust Joel, she could never be a hundred percent certain that he wouldn't leave.

Hmmm... is this the sort of thing Sophie meant? Joel thought I was joking -- I mean, it WAS pretty much a joke, the way I said it -- but really I kinda wish he WOULD just not be so fucking careful all the time, and just fuck me fast and furious without all the build-up? Just once? THAT would be different... and SPICY... ha! But... thinking back to that time when they had pretended to be other people -- Joel referred to it as role-playing, although she wasn't sure whose role it was that she'd been playing, exactly? -- that had been so fun partly because it had just sort of happened. They hadn't planned it. Joel was all into like... being natural and stuff, not playing games (...in retrospect, she was rather amazed he'd gone along with it for so long, really). He would think I'm crazy if I--

"What is goin' through that head of yours?" Joel was standing in front of the couch now, peering down at her with amusement.

She hoped whatever expression she'd had on her face just then hadn't already told him too much. "Nothing! I mean... nothing important." She reached for him and smiled. "Carry me? Please?"

"You are so spoiled," he grumbled.

"I am," she agreed, hugging his neck while he gathered her in his arms. "Don't even pretend you don't like spoiling me!"

"Who says I like it?"

"You do!" she giggled. "Wait -- I'll be nice and get the light, though -- if you walk me over there -- good, you already got the kitchen one..." Since for some reason he hadn’t turned on the bedroom lamp when he was in there, they were plunged into darkness once she switched off the living room light. "Oooops! Well, hey, it's like we're still on the road. Except we have running water again. Hot running water! Fuck, I've missed that. Hey -- maybe we should take a shower together now? Instead of going to bed?"

"All right. Or how about a nice warm bath?" he suggested.

"Ooooo good idea -- we can christen the tub! ...You can put me down if you want," she offered, since he was moving super slowly in the dark.

"I can do it." Like she'd offended him. "Just have to remember where all the walls are again."

The appliance lights would help with that somewhat. "I'll steer you!"

"You'll steer me into a wall on purpose, you mean, an' then get mad at me for--"

"No I won't!" she laughed -- even though she had indeed done that on occasion. But then another thought occurred-- "Oh fuck -- Joel, I'm sorry!" She wriggled free of his grip and dropped to her feet.

"For what?"

"I'm such a selfish asshole. Lemme go get the lamp..." She could hear Joel following as she made her way into the bedroom (which had only been a few more steps away).

"Why's that?"

She didn't answer him until she'd switched on the bedside lamp. "Cuz your ankle! I should be carrying you!"

Joel arched an eyebrow at her. "My ankle? Ellie, come on, it's been weeks. I've carried all kinds of--"

"But nothing as heavy as me, and I know it still bothers you. You just won't admit it." She plopped down on the edge of the bed.

"No it don't."

"See?!"

"...See what?"

"You won't admit it!"

He sat beside her. Kissed her temple and rubbed her back. "You worry too much. I do need to thank you, though, for not tellin' my brother about the day it happened."

Ellie snorted. "It's not a day I care to think about. Ever." Especially the way it had ended. Besides, with both trips to discuss, plus all the months in between, there had been plenty of other stories to tell.

"Neither is Sacramento, and we told 'em all about that."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, duh, is there anything else you'd pick to answer 'What was the worst thing that happened on the road'?"

"Guess not." He gave her a side squeeze.

"You guess? What else even comes close?" Maybe he’s blocked it out somehow… he still has nightmares about it, though!

"Bad as it was, at least it had a happy ending. The day Spirit left was pretty bad."

You mean the day we LOST him... but it was nice of him to put it that way; it was how she liked to think of it, too. Spirit is free now... She leaned into Joel. "Cuz me and Sophie were biting each other's heads off, right?"

"And you were real upset."

"Well, okay, yeah. That too. But we made it worse for you." She grinned up at him. "How did you stand being around two girls for so long? Two girls and no other dudes."

Joel heaved a long-suffering sigh. "It was a real hardship. Not sure how I got through it, to be honest."

"Yeah, yeah." Ellie leaned in hard enough to qualify as a shove. "It was better when we had two girls and two guys, huh. You and Paul... I've never seen you like someone so fast. And Karma's like... ten times tougher than Sophie."

"Mm."

Oh shit... that was stupid, bringing them up... last time he got all dad-like and weird for some reason-- "Soooooo do you wanna go get reacquainted with our bathtub now?" she asked brightly. She stood up and tugged on his arm before he could answer.

But he resisted her efforts to pull him to his feet. "On second thought... no." He pulled her back into his lap -- only this time, she was straddling him.

"No? Why not?"

"I reckon we should give the daddy long legs one last hurrah in there."

"Shit, I forgot!" Even though she had just seen the spiders like an hour ago. "I wonder if Clicker still has his pet ones. Eww."

"Maybe the girlfriend made him get rid of 'em."

Why did I bring up Clicker? PLEASE don't start teasing me about being jealous again! "Those things are creepy as fuck. I don't know why you won't just kill them." She hadn't killed them, either, but only because Joel had told her not to.

Joel nuzzled her neck. "I'm a gentle soul."

She burst out laughing. "Ha! Oh my God. If there's one thing you are definitely not..."

He leaned back, taking her with him, one hand tangling itself in her hair as he pulled her face to his for a kiss. "Haven't I always been gentle with you?"

She snickered. "That doesn't count! What I'm saying is... you're not exactly the he-would-never-hurt-a-fly type. You're... the opposite of that." ...But holy fuck -- talk about a perfect opening! Would she ever have a better one?! If she could just... "You don't HAVE to be so gentle, you know..." she telepathed to him. Ugh, just SAY it already, bitch! ...but the words stuck in her throat, for some reason. ...Because he would think there's something wrong with me, if I said something weird like that? Obviously, there IS something wrong with me...

Joel gathered the one side of her hair in his hand but the other side kept falling in his face, even after she tried to tuck it behind her ear.

Which quite effectively pulled her back out of her head. "Fuck, my hair is annoying. Sorry."

He smiled. "How many times do I have to tell you--"

"You like it falling on you," she recited. When he had said his beard scratching her face was much worse than her hair falling in his face all the time, she had declared them even instead (she liked those whiskery kisses, damnit!).

But he rolled her over so that he was on top. "Better?"

"It's all good," she grinned. At least this way I can wrap my legs around him better... yesssss... "Except we have too many clothes on! What the fuck is wrong with us?" She started unbuttoning his shirt, even though he seemed to be trying to distract her from the task with kisses.

"I'm workin' on it," he murmured, and his hands smoothly tugged her shirt up (well, she had to arch her back and wriggle a bit to help him out, but other than that, it was smooth) and over her head. He planted little kisses from her breastbone all the way up to her lips.

"You just wanted to beat me," she accused. "I couldn't really do the buttons while you were doing that."

He just looked at her and smiled.

"What?" she wondered out loud; she didn't think she'd said anything exceptionally cute. She started fumbling with the buttons again.

And he just kept looking at her. More soberly now.

"What?!" she repeated, starting to feel a little self-conscious.

He smoothed her hair back. "Much as I hated the thought of comin' back here with one less horse... once again havin' to tell it to my brother..."

"Neither of those times were your fault!" she protested, surprised that his mind was still on the Spirit thing.

"Still. I thought to myself... it sure beats the alternative."

"The alternative being... what, one less human?"

"Mmhmm."

"Aww. -Wait -- but that was true, too! No Sophie!"

He kissed the smirk off her face. "You know what I mean. If you were... if you weren't with me, I don't think I'd've had it in me to ever show my face here again."

He's not just talking about disappointing Tommy... Ellie's heart melted. It was subtle, but she detected a twinge of shakiness in the words. Joel didn't get mushy on her very often -- if that even qualified as mushy? ...It does. On the Joel scale, any verbal sign of vulnerability counts. "Me neither. If it was reversed, I mean. Good thing we both made it home in one piece." She kissed him gently. "I love you soooo much."

He responded by kissing her deeply then... somehow tender and intense at the same time, making her head spin even though she was laying flat on her back... making her stomach do that awesome little flippy thing... how could I even for one SECOND entertain the thought of Joel not being passionate? He was sweet and spicy. At the same time. "Make love to me, Joel," she breathed in between kisses.

Because that was the whole point of having sex. Of being together... being intimate. And that was all she really wanted: to be loved.

* * * * * *

Ellie felt better about things in the morning. It had been really childish and immature of her to get upset about that Meredith girl. So what if Annie had a new friend? Ellie had Joel. Joel was better than a hundred friends. As long as she had him, she didn't give a fuck if no one in town ever spoke to her again. He was the meat... everyone else was just gravy. Watery gravy, at that. And they had survived their first night at home since the rock incident. Not only survived it, but had a pretty fucking good night, too.

As much as Ellie would have loved to laze about in bed with Joel all day, she knew it wouldn't happen. If she didn't show her face around town, some of those gravy people were bound to come hunt her down (because certainly everyone knew they were back by now), and besides that, Joel and Tommy had already discussed procuring the security cameras Joel wanted. And besides-besides that, Ellie wanted to see her nephew again! Yes, she was thinking of him as hers, not just Joel's... even though in Tommy and Maria's eyes, she and Grayson were more like cousins. Fuck that -- I'm Auntie Ellie! Even though it made her feel old... that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Joel was old, after all. -OldER, she still had to correct herself sometimes. There are people in this town like thirty years older than him -- THEY are old! In fact, by some miracle, Joel wasn't even on the top ten list of oldest people in Jackson. With the arrival of all the new people, maybe he'd gotten bumped down even further.

They decided to go to the store first, then go their separate ways for a while and meet up at Tommy and Maria's later. It was strange to think that they could actually set a specific time again, after so many months of having no idea what time it was, but they were both content to leave it as 'later.' Once they were incorporated back into the work schedule of their chosen jobs, they'd have to get more accustomed to exact times. Even so, time in Jackson was still a bit more relaxed than it had been back in Boston at Ellie's school, or back in Joel's old life when he'd had a so-called real job (Ellie thought the jobs in Jackson were very real, for the most part, but Joel insisted they weren't the same at all). Tommy had already asked Joel if he could take some guard shifts; one of the new guys 'wasn't working out.' (Whatever that meant.) The guard shifts were still short, at six hours apiece, so Joel said he didn't mind. Six hours seemed plenty long to Ellie when the job was as boring as guard duty. Patrol was at least a little more interesting...

Not that she was allowed to do either. Turning sixteen hadn't changed anything in that regard. It was so stupid! She'd killed shitloads of people, for fuck's sake -- sitting on her ass up in some gate tower was nothing by comparison. Joel agreed she was fully capable, yet somehow also agreed with the ridiculous age rule that said she wasn't. To console her, he would remind her how dreadfully bored she would be just sitting on her ass in said tower, and that did usually shut her up. (The one time she'd started to hint of the fun they could have working the same shift on the same gate, he'd shut it down the moment he saw the sly smile surfacing... or maybe it was the mischievous glint in her eye that had given her away.) (He really was no fun sometimes!)

One thing that had gotten longer in their absence: school days. That was a very recent development. Ellie still thought Jackson school was a bit of a joke, compared to Boston, but apparently there were more changes coming down that pike (ha) that might make it more like a so-called traditional school setting. Ellie didn't care what they did, as long as they didn't try to make her start going. She already knew everything she needed to know! And how would Joel feel about having a girlfriend who was still in school like a little kid?! Ugh!

Anyways, Clicker wasn't in school, either, but he was there every afternoon 'tutoring.' Or at least, he used to be. Maybe now that he has a girlfriend, all he wants to do is make out with her all the time? ...Ewww! They were only thirteen. Too young to have sex, at least. ...Right?! DOUBLE eww. Ellie couldn't remember if Alyssa was still in school or if she just hung out there a lot or what. Maybe she hangs out there to be around Clicker? How long has she had a crush on him? ...And what does HE see in HER, anyway? Ellie couldn't speculate about that with Joel because Joel would just use the question as more ammunition for his dumb "you're just jealous" argument. As it was, Ellie knew she was somewhat biased against Alyssa due to the fact that her brother Jacob was one of the biggest douchebags in town. Before Ellie had made an enemy of Jacob, she'd liked the little girl just fine. But... understandably, the girl had taken her brother's side, and she'd been somewhat hostile towards Ellie ever since. Alyssa probably believed at least one version of the rumors about her and Joel (and Ellie still thought Jacob and/or that cunt Christine were the most likely candidates to have started them). She knew that Clicker didn't believe that shit, though, so... I wonder if he and Alyssa fight about me? For some reason, she liked to think that they did. Not because she was jealous... no way! -but because Clicker was her friend, and friends stick up for each other. Maybe he's even managed to change her mind about me?

Ellie didn't want to just hang around the library again, so after Joel and Tommy headed out to do whatever they were going to do, she spent some time with Maria and Grayson, trying to be as helpful as she could. Ellie washed the breakfast dishes, fixed lunch for herself and Maria, helped out with some laundry (they had a working washing machine in their house now! which was good, because Ellie didn't really want to go to the laundromat and be reminded that Sophie wasn't around)... and she even got to burp the baby. After watching Maria change his diaper again, she asked if she could try it next time she was around; if she was going to babysit, she would need to feel comfortable with the task. Maria agreed.

She'd dawdled too long at the house to catch Clicker at lunch -- if he indeed was still eating with the school kids. She wanted to catch up with Paige at the library, but she didn't really want to go there 'til after story hour, so it was too early for that. And Max, according to his parents (whom she'd seen at the storehouse, since they were in charge of it), was escorting someone to the Idaho hospital, so visiting him was out... and besides, she knew Joel wouldn't want her to go out of her way to see him. Going to the farm was obviously out as well... and, despite the fact that she wasn't upset about it anymore, she couldn't pretend it didn't sting a little that Annie hadn't come up and tried to find her today. Which was stupid, of course, because Annie had farm chores and her friend Meredith was there and everything... I guess I should go back down there later and quit being a baby about the whole thing? But... not yet.

It was also stupid that she'd only been home for like twenty-four hours, and she was already feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts. Too many decisions! Not life and death decisions, of course, just... too many options. Less important things, more trivial things. Which SHOULD mean things are easier! So why didn't it feel that way?

Ellie decided to take that stroll around the lake that she hadn't taken the night before. It was a cloudy day, which was good, since she hadn't put on any sunscreen and didn't want to hear a lecture about it from Joel later (she knew she could still get burned through the clouds, but it wasn't nearly as bad). She saw several groups of people fishing, which was more than she was used to seeing. Even some in a canoe out in the middle of the lake. Tommy had mentioned something last night about people transplanting some fish from the river in the hopes of bringing up the numbers in the lake, but Ellie didn't see how that would work if people were just going to catch them all out of the lake instead. Maybe people waited a while before fishing again? Or maybe the fish breed really fast? They hadn't had time to discuss it in depth. Or anything in depth, really. The fishing people took no notice of her, and their presence didn't disrupt the calm she'd found in her leisurely walk. The only thing missing is Joel...

While she did enjoy being by herself at times, mostly it just made her wish that Joel was with her. Because being with him... is sort of like being by myself, only better? Because he's such a big PART of myself? Sometimes when she tried to explain such a feeling to Joel, she could swear he understood exactly what she meant... and other times, he seemed a little freaked out by it.

After one lap, all the way around, she figured she might as well head over to the school and see if she could pry Clicker away enough to at least say hi. And maybe see if he wanted to make a gaming date or something. Okay, not a DATE...

The school wasn't actually in a school building, because there weren't any within Jackson's walls. In the old world, the place had been a daycare... and the leftover decor reinforced the fact that schooling here was meant for younger kids. Ellie peeked through the little door window in each of the two largest rooms -- the only ones she remembered ever being used -- and didn't see Clicker in either of those. She caught the eye of some of the kids in each room, and they waved at her excitedly. She waved back, but didn't open the doors, and didn't linger long enough for the teachers to get annoyed by the disruption (at least, not too annoyed). One of her favorite little girls, Kirsten, started to get out of her seat to come see her, but Ellie shook her head and mouthed "see you at the library." Ellie wondered whether school lasting into the afternoon had fucked up story hour (like, making it occur later in the day?), or if maybe the little kids went over as a class... but Kirsten smiled and nodded, so either way, she'd apparently be there... assuming she had understood what Ellie was trying to convey to her.

Ellie heard muffled noise coming from down the hall and found that more rooms were currently in use -- and that's where she finally found Clicker. It looked like he and some other kids (some of whom she didn't recognize) were playing some kind of board game. Why don't they just do that in the library? she wondered as she peered through the grimy window and tried to discern what game it was. Like three or four people made eye contact with her before Clicker finally looked up. She smiled hopefully. Please don't let him hate me...

She needn't have worried; a huge grin lit up his face, and she could hear his "holy shit!" loud and clear through the closed door. He scrambled to his feet. Ellie almost opened the door and went in, but then realized it would be less awkward if she just waited for him in the hallway, away from all the curious, staring eyeballs. He burst through the door, but then stopped abruptly.

She was taken aback by how tall he was. He was about the same height as her (and she was kind of short, so perhaps she shouldn't have been so surprised). "Holy shit yourself, dude, are you fucking taller than me now?!" Before he could answer, she added, "Do I get a welcome home hug or what?"

He blushed at that, she was amused to note, but then he hurled himself at her with enough force to knock her back a step. "Homieeeeee! I heard you were back! I wanted to go see you right away but Mom said to wait 'til today to let you settle in or whatever first and see your family and stuff and-- and holy shit, I can't believe you're really here!" He stepped back and looked at her... like he couldn't believe she was real or something.

"I'm... really here," she said lightly. "Fuck -- I guess I can't like... ruffle your hair the way I used to, cuz that's kinda weird when the person's your same height! And your voice sounds... different..."

He winced. "Yeah -- not in a good way. It's squeakier. Right?"

"I was gonna say lower. But -- ha! That 'right' was kinda squeaky just now, yeah. Sucks being a teenager, huh?" Not that Ellie knew much about boys' puberty issues.

"Nah, it's pretty awesome so far, actually," he smirked.

"Cordy! You out or what?" called an irritated-sounding voice from behind the door.

Clicker hesitated to answer, and Ellie got the feeling he was torn. I should help him out-- "Oh, I don't wanna interrupt your... uh... whatever, in there..."

"Just gimme a sec." He stuck his head in the door, said something about... making him get lost or kidnapped or something? ...and then turned back to Ellie. "I'd rather talk to you than play with them -- we play three times a week. And I haven't seen you in a million years!"

Ellie felt inordinately pleased that he was choosing her over his other friends. "Play what?"

"D&D. We're actually a school club -- only you don't have to be in school to be in it -- you can join if you want! Er-- I mean-- technically we're full, but... maybe we could make an exception for you. I bet I can talk them into it. Maybe you can be like-- like an honorary member!"

"Uh... what are you even talking about? We should go hang out somewhere and you can tell me all about it. Wanna go to the library? I still have to catch up with Paige but I wanted to do that later..."

Clicker's smile faded. "She's not there. Didn't they tell you?"

Fuck... "Tell me what?"

"Nothing. Um... okay yeah, let's--"

"Dude, you have to tell me. Tommy and Maria made it sound like nothing but good stuff has happened since I left, but I know that's not true. They were holding back things. Like, to not ruin our homecoming, I guess?"

"I don't wanna ruin it either!"

"Okay, but... I'm gonna find out anyways and I'll just go crazy wondering and I'd rather hear it from you than some rando who thinks I already know and blurts it out, you know? And like... seriously, compared to the last big thing you had to tell me..." As in, the fucking lies people had been spreading about her and Joel!

He sort of grimaced and snickered at the same time; he clearly knew what she was referring to. "That sucked. But I only had to tell you. You had it waaaaay harder than me."

"What, you mean telling Joel?" Ellie snorted. "Yeah, that sucked, too, except he caught on like ten times faster than I did when you told me, so I think you had it worse. I hope no one still believes that shit." ...Even though it's sort of more true now than it was before?! -Not the Joel-makes-me-do-it bullshit, of course...

Clicker shrugged. "I dunno. People stopped talking about it after you left. Anyone who believes it is a dumbass anyways. Or maybe not dumb exactly? but like... they don't know anything about you and Joel. Like they've never seen you together."

What does seeing us together tell them? Cuz... I would think it might tell them we're madly in love and stuff? But Ellie didn't care to pursue the topic. "Dude -- library! I've really missed those comfy old couches."

And off they went. Clicker didn't tell the club he was leaving... unless he was ~kidnapped~ now, or whatever the fuck, and that counted? If Alyssa was in any of the rooms, he didn't even so much as wave and gesture from the door window to let her know he was leaving. He hadn't even mentioned her yet, and Ellie thought for sure he would've been gushing about his new girlfriend by now.

Whatever... it sure feels fucking nice to be top priority! Maybe Clicker would be her new BFF -- aside from Joel, of course, but he had his own unique category (he was her Joel). Annie could move that Meredith chick in with her for all she cared, and the two of them could sew mountains of silly dresses while Ellie was off doing things that were actually fun. ...Like kidnapping kids out of school!

~Continue to Chapter 29~

"Singularity" Chapter 27: "Object Permanence" [27/49]

2022-02-09T13:12:31Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 27: "Object Permanence" [27/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,734
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~

Ellie had been so busy reassuring Joel she'd be fine going to the farm on her own, scoffing at the ridiculous(yet adorable)ness of him being kind of a worrywart about it, making sure she had her guns and knife -- as if she might actually need them -- that she was completely taken by surprise when the fear hit her. Irrational fear, at that. Not even thirty seconds after parting ways, her brain started screaming stupid shit at her -- that she should turn around, that Joel might not be there when she got back, that something Very Bad was going to happen to one of them. She wondered if such insanity was currently plaguing Joel as well. I'm sorry I teased you about it, Joel... if this is payback...

No, it couldn't be. As much as it felt like it sometimes, Joel couldn't actually get inside her head and plant thoughts and feelings in there. It's karma! That's what it is!

Naturally, the thought of karma brought Karma to mind, and she thought about how brave that little girl was. She was half Ellie's age and didn't freak out about being away from her dad, all alone -- and Outside, no less.

So Ellie talked back to her paranoid brain: Joel WILL be there, and nothing bad is going to happen, so shut the fuck up and just enjoy being home again! You're going to the fucking FARM, for fuck's sake!

That seemed to do the trick. Ellie picked up the pace, eager to see her best friend Annie again, and possibly some of the animals, although it was late enough now that it would be better to see them in the morning. She couldn't wait to see the look on Annie's face when she strolled through the-- well, no, that would be rude, since they weren't expecting her. She would have to knock. Who would answer the door? Probably not Annie if she was up in her room listening to records or something (Ellie was quite jealous that she had a legit working record player in her room!). Ellie had lingered long enough at Tommy and Maria's, helping with the cleanup and then playing with -- or staring at -- the baby that Annie and her family were probably done with dinner by now. They might eat a little later in summertime, but it wasn't summer yet. If they were at one of the other farms, they might stay and socialize a bit... the twins must be eleven by now... I wonder if Jess will finally admit she has a thing for Clicker... eleven isn't too young for thirteen, I don't think?

Except -- if it's true?! -- Clicker has a girlfriend now! Little Alyssa, who was around the same age as him. Not that Ellie doubted her source of this strange information, but... it was just kind of hard for her to imagine. She was happy for him. Really. ...No, REALLY -- I AM happy, damnit! Even if Joel thought she was jealous. That was ridiculous! And Joel knew better than anyone why it was ridiculous. That hadn't stopped him from teasing her when Tommy told them, though:

"Don't worry -- you'll always be his first love."

"Seriously, Joel? I'm not WORRIED."

"I beg your pardon. Poor word choice. Don't... be jealous? Yeah, that's prob'ly--"

"Why the fuck would I be jealous?!"

"Ain't it obvious? You're used to him followin' you around like a little puppy waitin' for you to toss him a bone."

Then Tommy had joined in. "Not even a whole bone -- just scraps. ANYthing."

"He wasn't doing that! ...And even if he was, you think I LIKE that?"

"Yes." "Yep!"

"But I-- How can you-- uggghhhh, fuck you guys! What do YOU think, Maria? Don't you think I want my FRIEND to be happy?"

"Well... ..."

"What do you mean 'WELL'?!"

"I mean... of course you want that. But... I think it's normal to feel flattered, when someone has a crush on you. It makes you feel good about yourself."

"I feel good enough about myself already -- I don't NEED him or anyone else to have a crush on me!"

"That's good, kiddo. I think what Maria's sayin' is... you like the attention. Makes you feel special. Now that he has someone else to pay attention to..."

"That's fine! That's FANTASTIC! I don't WANT him following me around all the time."

"Thought you said he wasn't doin' that. Now you're sayin'--"

"Well-- if he was! Fuck -- it's not like we're really good friends anyways. He's sooooo much younger than me. We have like... NOTHING in common."

"...Uh-huh." And all three of them had exchanged amused glances, much to her annoyance.

"It's true. I don't even play video games anymore."

"Only 'cause we've been away for six months."

"Seven! But, no -- I'm just over it. That's kid stuff."

Tommy wasn't buying that. "Oh, now, Ellie, you know that ain't true. Half the time, if not more, those consoles are bein' used by adults. Some of the new folks are tryin' 'em out, too... they never played before in their lives, and some of 'em love it. We're s'posed to be gettin' more, as a matter of fact. Even a PS4."

"...What? The one that never came out? Really??"

"Apparently they were close enough to launchin' that there were plenty of 'em made... people just couldn't buy 'em yet. They had to push back the release date with all the--"

"And we're getting one? Like... with games and everything?!"

"It better have games. Otherwise, what's the point? Don't get your hopes up, though, 'til we see how well it works. Might be some kinks to work out."

Then Joel had smirked at her. "You seem awfully interested for someone who's... ~over all that kid stuff.~"

She loved Joel with all her heart, but there were times he annoyed her so much that she just wanted to smack him.

Clicker could have ten girlfriends, for all she cared. She was more concerned about Annie reuniting with that asshole Jacob. When Ellie had asked, Tommy and Maria said they didn't think that was the case, but what if they just didn't know? Maybe Jacob had convinced Annie to keep it a secret... so he could fuck all the girls in town that he wanted while Annie was at home? The farms -- other than the new one, of course -- were within the town's walls, but far enough away that Annie wasn't popping in and out of town all the time. Most days, she was content to stay home. He could totally have a girlfriend in town and also down on the farm.

The sun had nearly set by the time Ellie got to the stables. Whoever was looking after the horses was done for the day, so she had to get Fox settled herself. A drink from the trough, a quick rub-down after removing all the tack... and a flashlight-lit tour/introduction to the other horses in residence. Some of whom seemed happy to see Ellie, eager to nuzzle her hand... others of whom she didn't recognize -- including a few foals! Awww, cute, there's babies everywhere in this town! Alas, no Spirit. She already knew he wasn't here -- Tommy and Maria certainly would have told her if he was, especially after she and Joel explained what had happened -- but... maybe a tiny part of her had been hoping they were saving that as a surprise for her or something. Nope!

She didn't linger too long in the stables; she would look forward to coming back for rides again, starting tomorrow. Riding for pleasure was way better than riding as transportation (especially Outside transportation). She hurried up to the porch... and was tempted to go in the back door as she often did when she was working, but... she still felt like she needed to announce herself, and knocking at the back door would be weird. The porch ran all the way around the house. Wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans, she headed around front, careful to duck under the windows for fear of being seen. Okay, maybe 'fear' is too strong a word for it, this time... but why am I suddenly nervous?

Ellie must have stood there with her hand poised to ring the bell for a good minute or two before working up the courage to announce her presence. It was possible that word of her return had already reached them (enough people milling around in the street or on their porches on her way down seemed to already be aware), but she didn't think so, since afternoon shift would have started before they'd even set foot in town, and there wasn't much reason for anyone to go down there other than-- well, she supposed they could need to return a horse or something. The milk cart would've been back already since they only went out in the mornings... unless that's changed, too... who knows?

Fuck this-- Ellie rapped loudly on the door. She also rang the bell, in case someone had fixed it over the winter -- but no, it still seemed to be dead... and she felt oddly comforted by that. ...Okay, no one's answering... maybe I should just go... no, don't be stupid! You only just barely-- SHIT, I hear someone coming!

The porch light switched on and the door swung open. "Ellie!" Esther gasped in surprise. "Oh my God -- wow! -- come in, come in! It's so good to see you! Wow!"

Ellie smiled, stupidly relieved to not have the door slammed in her face or something else ridiculous like that, and let the woman pull her inside and into a fierce hug. "You, too! How are you guys doing?" Oh man, it smells good in here--

"We're good, we're good! What about you?" Esther released her and stepped back like she wanted to get a better look and make sure she was all in one piece or something. And then she was looking past Ellie -- no doubt expecting to see Joel.

"Joel's not with me -- but he's fine! We're both fine. He's with Tommy. We just had dinner over there." Would it be rude to ask for a piece of that awesome-smelling pie? ...Yeah, I guess I can wait for her to offer... Ellie's mouth was watering, despite the fact that she was still pretty full from dinner. "Also -- Sophie's fine too, yes we found Alex, and no, neither of them came back with us."

Esther chuckled. "Sounds like you've got that track on repeat already. I can't believe you're really here. Just-- wow it's so good to see you!" She hugged Ellie again.

Ellie laughed. "Told you we'd come back!"

"Yes, yes, everyone says that. You just never know. And after everyone who vanished over the winter..."

"What?"

Esther pulled back again. "Oh! Oh, I figured they would've told you. No matter -- it wasn't anyone from your crowd. Speaking of, I'm sure you're dying to see Annie!"

"Kinda, yeah." Ellie cared more about some of the older people in town than members of her 'crowd,' but she didn't want to grill Esther at the moment; she was too eager to see her friend, and hearing bad news right now would sour their reunion, if not spoil it altogether. She could stuff that morsel of information into some box in her brain to be opened at a later time. "Is she up in her room?"

"She's in the back room, actually. We finally found a good use for it!" Esther started to lead the way to said room.

Ellie shrugged out of her backpack and deposited it along the way. "You did? What's that?"

"You'll see," Esther replied mysteriously. "Oh I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees you're back!"

"Who are you talking to, Mom?" called a voice from the back room.

Annieeeeeeee! "I got this," she whispered to Esther, putting her hand on the woman's arm to stop her before getting close enough for Annie to see through the entranceway. Then she crept past her, up to the wall.

"Mom? Who's here?"

Ellie felt giddy enough to giggle, especially after exchanging a wicked look with Esther. She waited another couple seconds to really build the suspense, and then--

"Surprise!" she yelled as she leaped into the doorway with a huge grin on her face.

"Ellie?!?! Omigod!" Annie shrieked and scrambled to her feet, scattering some... sewing paraphernalia? Ellie didn't look very closely at that -- she was too distracted by the other girl in the room, seated right beside Annie. A girl she'd never seen before.

She tried not to stare as Annie practically jumped on her, squeezing her just as hard as Esther had. "Hiiiiiiii," Ellie laughed -- although she didn't especially feel like laughing now.

After a bit of excited babble -- and Ellie reciting her 'track on repeat' -- Annie finally seemed to remember that introductions were in order. She marched Ellie over to the couch. "Ellie, this is Meredith. Meredith, meet Ellie! At last!"

The girl looked up at her, making no move to stand up or set aside the fabric in her lap... the needle in her hand. But she did smile. "The famous Ellie. Nice to meet you! Glad you made it back okay!"

Ellie wondered how she could be glad when she didn't even know her. She also wondered how fake that smile was... because it seemed pretty sincere, actually. Her hair is almost the exact same color as Annie's... not that that's important or anything... okay, maybe it's a LITTLE darker... "Um, yeah... sorry to interrupt your..." She waved her hand vaguely.

"You're not interrupting!" Annie lied. She tugged Ellie over to the couch to sit with her, and was about to place her right between herself and the other girl. Meredith. "Oh -- wait -- lemme move this..."

Ellie hovered awkwardly in front of the couch while Annie collected sewing shit off the cushion. Esther beamed at them from the doorway. "I'll leave you girls to catch up, then. Ellie, you tell Joel not to be a stranger, okay? Oh it's so great to see you!" she said yet again.

Ellie smiled weakly. "Will do." ...What the fuck is wrong with me? Who cares if there's some new girl here? Annie's obviously happy to see me.

Once she was able to sit properly, Annie slung her arm around Ellie's shoulders. Leaned her head against Ellie's. "I've missed you so much."

Ellie relaxed a little. "I've missed you too," she parroted lamely. With a sidelong glance at Meredith, she added pointedly, "We have so much to catch up on!"

Maybe Meredith was too busy scrutinizing the guns on Ellie's hips, because she didn't take the hint.

"Oh -- I guess I should take this thing off now," Ellie said, smiling as a memory surfaced. "Remember how freaked out you were that I had a gun? That day we met? Now you're all... meh, a gun. Two guns, even."

Annie pulled back a little, but turned sideways towards Ellie, propping her elbow on the back of the couch and leaning into it. "Yeah, I didn't know what to make of you," she recalled fondly. "I was impressed, though. I could tell you were... someone people shouldn't mess with."

Ellie yanked off her holster belt and dropped it unceremoniously onto the floor at her feet. Did that girl just flinch? HA! Ellie couldn't help taking some perverse pleasure in her discomfort. Since Meredith apparently wasn't going to leave, Ellie just needed to ignore her and focus on her friend. "But now that everyone's allowed to carry them again... I mean, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Barely anyone used to do it, even when it was... re-legalized, or whatever... but I think about half the people I saw today had a gun on them. Tommy and Maria mentioned that we got some extras cuz of all the strange new people moving in. Like everyone's scared or something. Or just uncomfortable, I guess?"

Meredith smiled. "But we're not so bad, really."

Oh fuck, that was rude-- "Shit! Sorry. I didn't mean to say... I mean, of course you're not." ...Ugh, why am I apologizing? I don't care about her stupid feelings.

"Annie mentioned you cuss a lot," Meredith replied, looking amused.

What? What did I even say... 'shit'? Who cares?! She wondered how else Annie had described her. How much time the two spent talking about her... if any, beyond the superficial crap.

Annie was all smiles. "So! Ellie! If you're wondering why all this sewing stuff is in here...?"

"Let me guess -- you're learning to sew," Ellie replied wanly (...and the pun did not escape her notice, even if Annie hadn't done it on purpose).

"Right! It's so much fun -- I can't believe I never even tried it before. It was Meredith's idea! She noticed how much I love dresses... especially nineteenth century fashion..."

"I couldn't believe she'd never even considered it before," Meredith added.

Ellie didn't get the connection, really. I mean... I love to use toilet paper, but that doesn't mean I care about making my own... right?! "But... we have Millie, so..."

"But it's fun," Annie repeated. "Besides, Millie's busy with the play. When I get better at it, maybe I can help with the costumes, too! I mean for next time -- I'm not gonna be that much better in a month."

It had been the 'school play,' before... and had since morphed into the 'town play,' because so many people had gotten involved with the first one. This time, they were doing The Wizard of Oz, of all things! Even though it was kind of an inside joke thing with Joel, Ellie had been excited to explain to Annie how it got started -- all that Pacheco Pass shit -- but Meredith was rapidly sucking away her excitement... on all subjects. "A month? Isn't it more like... six or seven weeks?"

"True, but they really want them done a little ahead of time, you know? Oh Ellie, I wish you'd gotten to see the first one. You're gonna help with this one, right?"

"Um... I guess?" She hadn't really wrapped her head around it all yet. They're actually making CLOTHES for it? That people are only going to wear for three performances? She'd seen the movie when she was younger... maybe she didn't remember everything about it... but it seemed to her that there was no fucking way any of the costumes could be recycled for future use. Talk about wasteful. ...Well, Annie might like Dorothy's dress, I guess...

"They already cast everyone," said Meredith. "Maybe they need more understudies?"

Ellie looked at her blankly. "More what-ties?"

"She doesn't have to actually be in it," Annie said dismissively. "She could help with the sets or something. -Although I think you'd be an amazing Dorothy, Ellie!"

"She'd have to be able to sing," Meredith pointed out.

Bitch, please! The girl hadn't said it unkindly, but Ellie glared at her anyhow. "I can sing."

"And dance," Meredith added, the glare apparently lost on her.

That one was a little tougher. Still, it wasn't like Dorothy did anything super complicated, right? "I'm a quick learner." Whatever... subject change! "So, uh... where did you find that... appliance?" Ellie immediately kicked herself for bringing them right back to the topic of sewing.

"The sewing machine? I just asked at a town meeting if anyone had one," Meredith replied, even though the question had been directed at Annie. "There's a few in town that no one uses. We just had to get one fixed up so it works okay..."

Why is SHE going to town meetings?! Ellie wondered... before remembering that the girl was indeed a member of the town.

"It sticks a little," said Annie, "but that's okay -- every time I mess up a seam or something, I can just blame the machine!"

Meredith laughed. "She blames the machine for literally everything," she stage-whispered to Ellie, leaning in close enough that Ellie thought she caught a whiff of beer rinse in her hair.

"I do not!" Annie cried. "I do blame my foot as well. Once in a while. There's this pedal you have to step on that controls the speed -- see it under the table over there, Ellie?"

Annie makes that rinse for ME! Ellie couldn't help thinking, silently outraged. She tucked the thought away for later and looked where Annie was pointing, even though Ellie had barely registered what she'd just said. Ellie hadn't seen this room very much. She remembered it being very bare. Like a place Esther might slip off to if she wanted to read or journal quietly in the corner. But now there were a couple of tables (the one that held the sewing machine looked more like a desk, really)... crates and baskets and a rolling cart thing with drawers... rolls of fabric scattered about... papers with line drawings on them, like clothing blueprints... it looked like Annie (and apparently Meredith?) had been getting super involved in this new hobby. "So it's kinda like driving a car, huh? Except with only one pedal. ...And no steering," Ellie trailed off awkwardly.

"I guess? I dunno, I've never driven a car. Wanna see what I'm making?" Annie tugged Ellie up and over to the table.

Not really. Ellie had zero interest in this shit. She could have let Annie know... yet for some reason, she couldn't. Not with Meredith there. Like... that would mean Meredith had won, or something. So she feigned polite interest while Annie showed her the blueprint (a pattern, she called it) of some dress that looked just like every other dress she already had. Like something out of one of those movies about ancient times (like, super-ancient, not just Joel-ancient). Annie prattled on about how this type of dress was kind of hard for beginners so Meredith was helping her, and the two of them were helping Millie with some of her projects. Ellie idly wondered if that meant Annie or Meredith would be the one making the underwear Millie had promised her. Why didn't Millie mention that? ...I guess me and Joel were in too much of a hurry to get to the house...

Meredith chimed in annoyingly often, giving Ellie the sense that she and Annie were like... a team. And Annie wasted no time in telling Ellie alllllll about Meredith -- like Ellie gave a fuck. Annie and Meredith had so much in common -- the sewing thing, mainly, but Meredith also had a little brother to annoy her (only he was one year younger, while Annie's was two years younger), and she also had a mother. From the brother talk, Ellie had deduced that Meredith was probably eighteen, since her brother was Annie's age, and Annie had had a birthday while Ellie was away.

But the worst thing? Meredith had declared that Annie was the sister she'd always wished for.

GAG!

Normally, Ellie loved hearing about other people's families... hearing their stories, their experiences... but tonight, she was cycling between annoyance, sadness, and even some anger -- mostly towards Annie. Why doesn't she make this girl leave so we can really TALK? She's obviously not taking any hints from me... Annie HAS to know that I don't want to talk about sewing and be with this fucking girl I don't even know-- ugh! Why can't it just be the same as before?

Annie hadn't said anything about Meredith being like her sister, yet Ellie wished she had thought to somehow work Sophie into the conversation, after Meredith made that remark. She wanted Annie to know that she had a fake sister now, too. She couldn't just blurt it out randomly, though; she'd have to work her way back to it. That is, if Annie even wanted to hear about anything related to the trip. And Ellie couldn't ask Annie about Jacob; she didn't know what all this Meredith chick knew, or if Jacob was so totally history that it would be weird to even ask about him (I fucking hope so!)... Ellie definitely couldn't talk about anything related to her own alleged ~crush~ on Joel, but that was a tricky subject anyway, Meredith or no Meredith.

The worst thing Ellie had learned, though? -Meredith was sleeping over. Spending the night so she could get up bright and early and help Annie with chores. Chores that Ellie had planned on helping her with while she got reacquainted with the animals... and reacquainted with Annie herself.

But of course, it's not like Annie KNEW I was coming home today... Ellie knew she had no right to be upset about it.

She was trying to convince herself of this when a heavenly voice wafted out from the kitchen: "~Who wants cinnamon apple piiiiiiiie?~"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!" Ellie immediately started to salivate again upon hearing Esther's words; she wasn't nearly upset enough to fucking pass up apple pie. She drifted into the kitchen behind the other two girls, slightly cheered at the thought of a scrumptious slice of the pie she'd been missing all these months.

"Wait wait wait -- let me do that!" Meredith shooed Esther away from the pie. "You slaved away, making it. You shouldn't have to serve it, too."

Annie rolled her eyes and plopped down at the kitchen table. "She's always making me look bad around here," she smirked to Ellie.

"You could stand to take a lesson or two from her, young lady," Esther teased as she sank into her chair. "Ellie! Come sit!"

Ellie was bizarrely frozen in place, just fiddling with the edge of the island counter, watching Meredith glide around the kitchen. The girl knew where the plates were. The forks. The glasses. The milk... and she even knew that Esther liked hers warmed. Without even asking her. Ellie nodded absently when Meredith asked if she wanted milk, too. That pie is soooo yummy... you should be HAPPY right now cuz you get to have some, she scolded herself.

But that kind of reasoning didn't seem to work anymore. Or at least it wasn't working right now. It seemed... childish, or immature. Ellie pretended that the reason she was just standing there dumbly was to help Meredith bring the pie-filled plates to the table. If she sits in Will's seat, I'll stay. If she sits in MY seat...

That logic was even more ridiculous! But when Meredith proceeded to take the seat that had always belonged to Ellie, chattering away merrily with Annie and Esther...

Something inside Ellie just snapped; pie or no pie, she'd seen enough. She cleared her throat. "Um... I'm sorry, can I save mine for tomor-- for another day? I just noticed how late it is and there are tons of people I still have to go visit!" Joel did say I was popular...

"Are you sure, honey?" asked Esther, and Ellie could hear -- or maybe feel -- the genuine kindness behind the words. The desire for Ellie to stay. "I'd love to hear about your trip."

"Yeah, me too!" Annie chimed in. "We barely got to talk at all yet!"

She sounds regretful, too, I guess... maybe? ... well, she should've tried harder before, instead of forcing me to look at all that stupid sewing shit -- and telling me how wonderful Meredith is! Ellie pasted on the biggest smile she could manage. "I'm back now, so we have plenty of time for that. Right? Yeah. Um, bye everyone! G'night!" She waved cheerfully and scampered away.

If Ellie hadn't nearly tripped over her backpack, she probably would've left it there at the house. Shit -- my guns are all the way in that back room! The noises coming from the kitchen... concerned voices, chairs scraping... I HAVE to get out of here before I get cornered! Going to the back room would definitely block her escape -- and she couldn't even sneak out the back door without going through the kitchen, so that was obviously out of the question.

"Ellie, are you okay?"

Ellie jammed her arms through the straps as fast as she could and kept moving. "I'm fine!" she called back. "Really! Just gotta go!"

She practically flew out the door.

* * * * * * *

I must be a glutton for punishment...

All she wanted to do was wrap herself in Joel's loving, safe, familiar-as-fuck arms, but Ellie didn't go home. It was too soon! She'd barely spent any time at the farm. Joel would think it was weird.

...Well, so what? It's not like I'm going to lie to him about what happened. She wanted to talk to him about it. Wanted him to tell her she was being silly, and that no one could ever replace her.

Yet Ellie still didn't go home.

She went to the library. Will would be there, according to Annie; he'd been going to the movie nights a lot (and they still had those pretty much every night, except when the power was out)... and spending less time at the farm. After what Ellie had just witnessed, she couldn't really blame him. But even though he was Annie's little brother and nearly the same age as herself (he was fifteen now), Ellie had never hung out with him all that much -- mostly due to his presence having a tendency to irritate the fuck out of Annie. Which was pretty sad, really... Ellie was pretty sure if she had a sibling -- a real one, one that she had grown up with -- she would be closer to them than anyone in the world! Anyway, the person she really wanted to see was Clicker. Would he be there in one of the movie rooms? No one could play any console games while the movies were going, but he might be at one of the computers playing with his Sims...

Did he delete the Sim-me that was having his babies? she snickered to herself. He had denied that it was her, when she'd caught him, but she could tell. Making Sims of real people was kind of creepy... but Ellie did it, too. As far as she knew, there were three Sim Ellies out there: the 'real' one in the Jackson town that one of the uber-Sim-nerds had created, with the whole town represented (or at least a good chunk of it... oh fuck... I wonder if he added all those new people! That's a lot of work!), the one in Clicker's game, and one that she'd carefully hidden in a neighborhood no one played, with a fake name and different hair color because it was supposed to get into a relationship with fake-Joel, if she were to ever actually play the game enough to figure out how to make that happen.

There were far less people out and about, now that it was dark. Even though it so wasn't dark -- the street lamps were on! And they seemed so much brighter than the solar lights Ellie had gotten used to in Monterey. The movies hadn't finished yet; once they did, the streets would get noisy again with people going home. Ellie felt rather naked without her guns... and she wasn't looking forward to seeing the look on Joel's face when he noticed. So... I won't let him notice! I'll have my backpack off already when I go inside so I can drop it right away and he'll think I dropped EVERYthing to rush right over to him... then tomorrow I'll sneak into the farmhouse like a ninja, get in and out of there without anyone seeing me. Yes, that's what she would do.

Still, that didn't help her feel any safer at the moment. Thankfully, she had her trusty switchblade in her pocket like always... but you're INSIDE now, bitch! You're safe! Relax! she ordered herself, trying to ignore the accompanying flickers of guilt -- the ones with Joel's face on them, scowling at her for being so careless.

Ellie entered the library, exchanged friendly-but-shallow greetings with the person on duty, who wasn't the clerk that Ellie was most friendly with (that would be Paige -- she worked day shifts), and scanned the large area that the residents had converted into a place to hang out. There were tables, chairs, couches, and computers like any library, but there were also games, puzzles, a music area (called 'the pit'), and beyond all that, the smaller gaming rooms where the movies were currently being shown. People could also check out movies and CDs the same as they did with books, but most people didn't have the capability to play them at home. The kids' area beyond the pit looked... bigger, maybe? Nothing else struck her as being very different, which was comforting. She noticed someone with headphones on, sprawled on one of the couches, watching a little screen. Ohhhh that's different -- they finally fixed one of those little player thingies so people can watch movies on their own! Or maybe they'd gotten something new. She also noticed that one of the computers was playing a movie, not a game, and she wondered if the rules on computer usage had changed over the winter.

At first, Ellie didn't think anyone was paying her much mind, but then there was like a ripple effect of people poking each other and heads turning in her direction. Some she recognized, some she didn't... and she suddenly felt very self-conscious and out of place. The only person she recognized who was even remotely close to her age was Cassie, Lucas's cousin, but she didn't know her well enough to feel comfortable marching right up to her in front of everyone like they were actual friends or something. Still, Cassie gave her a little wave, as did a couple of other people, and Ellie waved back. Ugh... why do I feel so weird? These are my peeps! I mean... kind of! Anyone I want to talk to is probably in one of the movie rooms... I can't just barge in there and interrupt. I mean, that's rude, isn't it? I could try to just slip in unnoticed and surprise everyone at the end... but no, someone would fucking turn and see me and I'd be done for. Besides, she still had a sour taste in her mouth from surprising Annie, and ending up more surprised herself.

Okay... I can't just go hang out by myself like a lame-o... not that there was anything wrong with that. She did it on occasion. But she would have a book to read or music to listen to in the pit -- she wouldn't just go plop down on a couch and twiddle her thumbs on her first night back, like she had no one to talk to. If she kept standing there without looking like she knew where she was going, someone was bound to come try and talk to her, and she was kind of over all the polite small talk now. Especially if they were only doing it out of pity or something. How different this is from seeing people on the way to Tommy and Maria's!

...Except what was actually different? Just that Joel wasn't with her? That was pretty fucking stupid.

So where can I go... Oh! The magazine room! Of course! Ellie had hidden there before (unintentionally, that time). But... would it look weird if she just made a beeline there? ...Yeah, probably. If she could just find someone to talk to on the way... she did see someone perusing books in one of the aisles in that direction. His back toward her, out of sight of the common area people -- and not a teenager, from what she could tell, which seemed... safer, somehow. Like she was less likely to make an idiot of herself by doing what she was about to do.

"Oh hey!" she called to the random person, a smidge louder than she normally would have. She smiled and waved and scuttled over to him, grateful to the ginormous bookcases for protecting her from all the staring eyes.

The dude turned around and smiled at her quizzically. "Hey... me?" he asked. "Oh -- hi, Ellie!"

It's Justin! Not the teenage one but the other one. The one lots of girls seemed to have a bit of a thing for but no one took seriously due to his reputation for being a manwhore. "Oh -- shit -- sorry, I thought you were someone else," she apologized with a smile. Just don't ask me WHO I thought you were! "But hey, Justin -- ha. How are you?"

"I'm good -- welcome back!" He shelved the book he'd been examining and moved forward to give her a quick hug. At least, it should have been a quick hug, as was customary for greetings... "I heard you were back. And in one piece, even."

"Yep!" she chirped, pulling back when it became clear he wasn't going to.

"You grew up," he observed with a smile.

"...I did?" She was blushing furiously, hoping he didn't mean to sound like a perv...

"You've gotta be at least two inches taller."

That totally wasn't true, but Ellie was just relieved that he hadn't made any remarks about her feminine parts -- and he didn't seem to be trying to flirt with her. "Pffff. I don't even think I grew one, actually. Um, sorry to bother you... I'll let you get back to your... uh... whatever you were doing."

"Trying to find a sequel to the book I just finished," he supplied. "Are you coming back to work here again? 'Cause... I swear things were more organized when you were doing it."

"I wasn't shelving stuff," she informed him with an eyeroll. Maybe he was trying to flirt with her! She knew that complimenting a person was a form of flirting. Or it could be. Maybe he's just being nice... "I was cataloging. But I bet I can find it. Is it sci fi? Cuz that's where you are right now."

"I think so."

"Okay... author's last name?"

"Brett. I did remember to look at that first, this time."

Ha! He remembers the last time I tried to help him! "Pretty sure he's fantasy, dude. Those are... this way."

She'd never read anything by that author, but she had a good memory for names -- at least the ones that had authored a series in a section that she spent a fair amount of time in. She found Justin his book in like ten seconds. He was equal parts impressed and grateful... and did not attempt to hug her again when she excused herself. Overall, Ellie got the feeling he was just being friendly, not truly flirtatious. He's like Sophie! she realized. Kind of... friendly-flirty, or naturally flirty, but the behavior was not necessarily indicative of actual romantic interest in the other person. She remembered Joel trying to explain that to her back when she thought Sophie was a skank, and she hadn't really gotten it. Or maybe she had just been so determined to believe the worst of Sophie, for having the nerve to try to seduce Joel. That was before Ellie learned that Joel had unwittingly made Sophie think that he liked her that way. Joel is so adorably clueless sometimes!

The magazine room was around the corner... and no one else is back here -- YES! She was able to slip into it unnoticed. Whew! Okay, so... now what?

Ellie wasn't really in the mood to pore over magazines. Whoever had been in the room last had left kind of a mess, though (jeez, didn't the staff check back here anymore?!). It took her a good ten or fifteen minutes to put everything back in its proper place. She idly wondered if people had left stuff out on purpose, like they weren't done yet or something, but that possibility didn't deter her. While she was doing that, she racked her brain for stuff she had vowed to look up when she got home.

She didn't have to rack very hard: legal age! Or... what had Joel called it? Something that sounded insulting... oh! Age of consent, that was it. Like she was too young to understand the concept of consenting to sex when she was fifteen. Pfffff! However, she had no idea where to find such a thing in a magazine. There were some law magazines in the room... some very boring-looking law magazines that she doubted anyone had touched in years... but she had imagined finding a boring-looking book instead -- with a table of contents, or an index she could flip to. And now was definitely not the time to be doing that, with a bunch of people having to pass by the non-fiction aisles on their way out after the movies ended. Some of them would probably want to talk to her, after not seeing her for seven months. No, the best time to search for that would be mid-morning, when the library was emptiest. She would still have to think up a plausible lie about what she was looking for, too, just in case; she was definitely better at lying when she didn't have to conjure shit up on the fly.

After thumbing through a few magazines that were indeed as boring as they looked, Ellie's eyes started to glaze over. The language was so... lifeless and dry. Full of words she'd never even heard people say in movies, let alone real life. She couldn't care less about keywords lawyers commonly overlook... how to use 'facebook' to market your law firm (she kept seeing that word in various places but still didn't really understand what it was, even after Joel had tried to explain -- all it did was make her miss Riley)... how to create an effective 'podcast' (she knew what that was, at least, as some of the computers had some downloaded)... she usually found interviews at least a little bit interesting, but the ones she skimmed now were dry and humorless as fuck. Clearly, she wasn't going to find what she needed here. What I need is something even MORE boring -- a list of laws and statutes or whatever!

...and what the fuck am I even doing in here?

Maybe it felt 'too soon' to go home, but how stupid was that? It wasn't like Joel would be disappointed. He was probably feeling as weird and out of sorts as she was right now. Not knowing exactly what he was doing for the first time in... well, since that day in the boat, perhaps, but aside from that? It had been months. In fact, she wasn't even sure she would count this time, because she did know what he was doing: he had told her he'd be home when she got there, so where else would he be? He thought I'd be gone at least two or three hours, though. He might not even be there yet. Can I really spend another hour in here?

Would I rather be in here, or beat Joel to the house and have to wait for him cuz I can't even get inside?

She decided she would just look at the last fucking magazine she had pulled out, and then slip outside, hopefully before the main area of the library flooded with movie-watchers. She didn't have to go home, though -- she could go take a walk around the lake. Most likely she wouldn't run into anyone out there, and if she stuck to the shadows, she definitely wouldn't. She didn't remember how full the moon had been last night but she believed it was somewhere around half, so with that plus the light cast from a few street lamps that dotted the sidewalk, she wouldn't need her flashlight. It had rained earlier, so there might be puddles and mud and stuff to contend with, but she could let Joel assume she'd gotten wet or dirty on the way back from the farm.

...Or, I could just TELL him where I went! Why did she keep wanting to lie to him about stupid shit? She had already decided she wasn't going to lie about how things had gone down at the farm, so really, there was no need to lie at all.

Ellie yawned through the first half of the magazine before settling on what looked like a more interesting, if not more relevant, article about the media portrayal of leading ladies in law. She was only a couple paragraphs into it, though, when a sudden loud rapping on the door jolted her right out. The fuck-- ?

"Ellie? You in there?"

She relaxed. It was just Joel! And he opened the door before she could even answer him -- before she had even twisted around in her seat to face him. "Fuck -- next time, just come in! You startled me. How did you know I was..." She let that thought trail off as Joel dangled her holster belt and guns in front of himself.

He did not look happy. "Missin' somethin'?"

"How did you get that?" she wondered out loud. She stood up and braced herself for the forthcoming lecture. "Were you at the farm?"

"No." He thrust the belt at her, then crossed his arms in front of his chest and frowned. "And why are you sittin' with your back to the door?"

Ellie took comfort in the fact that the frown was not yet a scowl, which was one grade worse, and laid the belt on the table. "Um... cuz it's just the fucking library and not likely to get invaded by Infected?" She smiled disarmingly.

But, scowl-less or not, Joel would not be disarmed. "There may not be infected people around, but you know damn well that the uninfected could be worse. You don't always hear 'em comin'. Hell, you did hear me comin', but you barely had time to turn around, let alone react. More people are carryin' guns now. Since you didn't see fit to carry yours, you should've at least been on the other side where you could duck for cover if--"

"Okaaayyyy!" Ellie groaned. "Consider me lectured already. And I didn’t turn around real fast cuz I knew it was just you. Jeez. Can we go home now? That's where I was about to go." Certainly not about to walk around the lake by myself in the dark without a gun... nope, not me... But since she hadn't actually done that, it didn't even feel like a lie when she said she was going home.

"Put that on." He nodded at the holster belt.

"Seriously? Joel, you're already wearing--"

"That's me. Not you."

...As if we're actually two separate people? But she could tell this wasn't one of those times when Joel would understand and empathize with that sort of thinking. "I can just stick it in my backpack... I don't have to wear it." She started to do so, expecting him to stop her. If not physically, then with an ill-tempered "Ellie." Instead, he just watched her. Guess I'm in the clear! "I thought you didn't mind -- as long as I'm with you. In fact, I know you don't mind -- because you fucking told me that before we left town, remember?"

Joel sighed. "A lot's happened since then. But it's all right -- let's just go."

Had he been in a more playful mood, she might have shut the door and tried to be a little naughty. Which he would probably tolerate for all of five seconds before whispering in her ear that she was a bad girl, and that that's how people get caught. But now? He would no doubt just skip right to the scolding before she even got to enjoy being naughty. She just quietly followed him out the door.

"How did you know I was in here?" she asked again. "And how did you get my guns?"

"Annie brought 'em to the house. She was hopin' to talk to you. Which I thought was odd, seein' as how you'd gone down there to see her."

"I did! I did see her! I mean, obviously -- I accidentally left that there --"

"I know. She told me." Joel looked across the main area and Ellie followed his gaze. "Looks like the little kids' movie let out, but not the other ones."

Joel always said 'let out,' or talked about movies 'getting out,' which Ellie had thought was a cute Joelism until she heard other older people saying it. To her, they just finished, or ended. "Okay -- I really don't want to see any of them right now cuz they'll be tired and cranky." She grabbed his hand and started to lead him toward the exit the longer way, around the other side of the check out counter, where they were less visible to the masses. Even the counter clerk was gone, assisting with the matching of children to parents, or occupying the ones whose parents were watching another movie.

"That's prob'ly best," Joel agreed; he too was not a fan of cranky children. "You can show up at story hour instead. Surprise 'em. Except by then I think the whole town will know we're back."

Ellie would love to do that... just show up as if it were her turn, and enjoy all the kids clamoring to hug her and tell her their news (because she fucking loved that they had to share the most random things -- and with such enthusiasm -- like how they had just colored an elephant ORANGE with a broken burnt sienna CRAYON that they found in the PAINT box!). But... how would she feel if none of them even remembered her? Or if they preferred the other story-reader person?

I'll worry about that later-- "Hurry! Move!" she urged Joel -- and for a second, she flashed back to earlier that day... when their stealthiness had been a matter of life and death. Life is just... fucking WEIRD.

"You sure you don't wanna wait an' see Clicker, though?" asked Joel. "He must've been someone you were hopin' to find in there, yeah?"

He was... but not if he was going to snub her. Maybe he was pissed because she missed his birthday. Maybe he hated her for leaving, and was perfectly happy to never see her again. ...Wow, am I paranoid now or what? "I'll see him tomorrow," she said simply. She pushed open the door and hurried out. "We made it!"

"Still a long way to our house," Joel grumbled.

Ellie snickered. "A long way? Are you for real? No, see -- a long way is where we just came from. Over a month on the road!"

"More like two," he reminded her. The fake number.

"Yeah yeah. So -- what happened? Annie showed up at the house? Our house, right? Or Tommy and Maria's?" Ellie noted happily that Joel seemed content to keep holding hands with her.

"Ours. She said you left so quick you forgot it. You wanna tell me why?"

"Not really," she said brattily, "but I will. What did she tell you?"

"I just told you. That you left so--"

"Noooo I mean did she tell you why I left?"

"Said you had more folks to visit. Which is funny, 'cause earlier, you told me you only wanted to see Annie tonight." Joel sighed. "But that ain't what bothers me. I can't believe we've been back... just... a few hours, and you're already gettin' forgetful about wearin' your goddamn guns, when--"

"Joel, I didn't really forget, okay? I just... couldn't really get to them."

Ellie didn't have to be able to see his expression to know he was furrowing his brow over that one. "You... couldn't really get to them. What the hell does that mean? Annie was holdin' 'em hostage so she'd have to run 'em back up here to you later?"

That mental image almost made her giggle in spite of herself. "Sounds more like Esther than Annie. -Oh, Esther said... um... that you're not a stranger. Or something."

"O...kay. So what do you mean you couldn't get to 'em?" he asked again.

Typical Joel to be so fixated on the fucking guns! "I'll tell you later. You seem like you're still... on your Outside setting."

"Tch. Nice try."

"No, really!" She wasn't making it up!

"We can talk at home if you want," he conceded.

"I want," she assured him. "I think I'm still half Outside in my head, too." It wasn't exactly a lie... she just didn't care to mention that it was impossible for her to feel scared walking around this town, even in the dark, as long as Joel was by her side. Earlier, when she was alone, she hadn't been scared, exactly... it just felt really weird to be away from Joel, and she had to sort of remind herself that just because she wasn't with him at the moment, it didn't mean something was wrong.

Oh my God... I'm like a new baby! she realized. Maria had explained the concept of object permanence to her that afternoon, and said that Grayson wouldn't develop it for another few months yet... so basically anything that wasn't right in front of him just ceased to exist in his little world.

"What's so funny?" asked Joel.

Ellie hadn't realized she'd shown any outward signs of amusement. "Nothing. ...that I want to tell you at the moment," she added, because that was still a thing with them, when they remembered to say it! "But I'll prob'ly tell you later. If you're sweet."

Joel chuckled. "Shit. Guess you won't, then."

She slugged his arm. "Shut up. You're suuuper sweet, when you're not yelling at me for losing my guns and stuff like that. I didn't even lose them! I knew where they were and I was gonna go get them tomorrow."

"...Uh-huh."

"I swear!" she insisted. She was always annoyed when Joel didn't believe her, but she was extra annoyed when she happened to be telling the truth. The true truth, not a white-lie-laced version.

"I will make a responsible gun-toting adult out of you yet," he vowed.

She snickered. "You've already made a woman out of me, so--"

Naturally, he clamped his hand over her mouth for that, muffling her giggles. "You can't say shit like that out here. People will get the wrong idea."

And by that, of course, he meant the right idea! Ellie noticed he said it just a smidge louder than normal. In case anyone's following us and eavesdropping? But obviously, nobody was: Joel would have fucking heard them. That ability of his was one reason she felt so safe with him. If she pointed that out now, though, his rebuttal would be that he still has to be focused, which he clearly wasn't when they were carrying on a conversation.

Ellie figured she was in for another lecture when they got home, but nevertheless, she behaved the rest of the way. Mostly because as soon as they were quiet, her troubling thoughts returned. She was more irritated with herself than anyone else. What's with all the game-playing in the library? Like... who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks anyway? But -- why couldn't you just go home from the farm? That's all you wanted to do -- to see Joel again. ...Because things only feel RIGHT when we're TOGETHER.

Which was fucked up, of course. She knew it was. She did care about other people besides him... she did have other interests besides being with him... I don't care -- it's the FEELING I have...

"What is it, baby girl?"

She must have sighed or something without realizing it. "Um... what's what?"

"You seem..."

"It's nothing. I mean... I'm fine."

"Too dark?"

They had gone beyond the street lamps' reach. "Not with your flashlight on, silly. No, I was just thinking... it must suck being a little baby." Guess I won't make him earn this with sweetness after all!

"Uh... all right. Why?"

"Because when you're really little -- like Grayson -- you don't understand that just because Mommy and Daddy aren't in the room, it doesn't mean they don't exist. I mean... how fucking terrifying must it be, every time you wake up and you're all alone and you think you're gonna be alone forever?"

Joel chuckled. "Pretty damn terrifying, I reckon."

"Right? Just... okay, so, I'm not a little baby--"

"You don't say."

"Shut up. Like... I know better. But that feeling is still kinda there. It's just weird not being with you. I wish you came down there with me. I should've made you. -I know, I know -- you would've come, not like I had to force you. It would've felt better, if you... I dunno. The whole thing was so weird." 'Weird' was the word of the day, it would seem.

He squeezed her hand. "It'll take some gettin' used to. But we did it before, we can do it again."

"Not just that..." But, that was what she'd just been referring to, with the whole 'object permanence' thing, so of course that was how he'd taken it. "I'll tell you when we get home. And, um... thanks."

"For what?"

For being so PERMANENT. For not changing... not growing away from me. Not replacing me with someone better. For never making me feel like I don't belong. She could have said those things to him and he wouldn't have punished her for it by laughing or anything... but it would mean more once she gave him some context. "For being you," she summarized instead.

"Is that all? You're welcome."

Is that all -- pfffff! Joel obviously had no idea how amazing he was. How much she fucking loved him. But she could say or do a million things to try to let him know, and he still wouldn't! Because there was nothing she could say or do that could accurately convey the depth of her feelings for him. All she could do was keep trying.

~Continue to Chapter 28~

"Singularity" Chapter 26: "It's Good To Be King" [26/49]

2022-01-26T13:38:15Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 26: "It's Good To Be King" [26/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 10,421
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Notes: Chapter title from the song by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

~

Joel couldn't remember how many "first things" Ellie had said she was going to do when they got home; she'd racked up quite a list. He wondered if she would even remember half of them herself. I suppose the reunion we're about to have with Tommy and Maria don't count... they didn't have much choice, seeing as how they'd turned over their house key to Tommy last fall.

The first thing Joel did was notice that a couple of the houses looked brighter (...maybe that didn't technically count as a first, either). He even stopped dead in his tracks to look at the one, because he was sure it had been one of the uglier occupied houses in town. And not only was it brighter, but the paint wasn't cracking or peeling. Even on the west side, where it had been the worst. Ellie agreed it looked much better than she remembered, too. Are we able to paint now? Joel marveled; back when he'd left, they had been lucky to be able to get wood stain for decks or fences -- and that had pretty much all been going to the new farm, where it was needed most.

Tommy and Maria lived right smack in the center of town, so it was impossible to get there without crossing paths with some townsfolk. If Ellie's date tracking was still on target, today was a Sunday, which meant less people were out and about working... but there were plenty out and about 'playing'... or socializing. (Ellie had thought it would be ~awesome~ if they arrived on exactly the same day as they had one year ago... but agreed that spending another couple weeks Outside solely to make that happen was significantly less awesome.) Joel noticed that some of the residents were carrying guns -- that was new. Ellie greeted just about everyone she saw. Some with hugs, most with just a friendly 'hey' or 'hello'... and all of them with some variation of "yes, we're back/gotta go/catch up with you tomorrow?" Joel didn't even remember some of these people... but there was only one that neither of them recognized.

"A new person, I guess?" Ellie speculated. Because her 'people memory' was excellent. Joel, on the other hand, would probably remember a person he disliked, and the rest would all melt together into one generic soup called "townsfolk." Oh, not all of them were indistinguishable... there were people he'd worked with, and people he liked well enough. (Even so, Ellie likely knew them better and cared more about them than he did.) Word seemed to be traveling quickly that they were here. ...Unless everyone and their mama just decided to take a stroll up the same street we're on -- and the weather, though not bad, wasn't nice enough to warrant that. It was overcast, threatening to rain in short order.

"I think your tomorrow is all booked up by now," he teased Ellie after she'd put off yet another person with promises of catching up then.

"Whatever," she said dismissively. "As long as we get the rest of today with family and friends -- that's all I want. They get that, I think. Although... with how much we're probably going to be repeating ourselves, maybe we should have a special town meeting -- like, where we can answer questions and stuff!"

"Christ," Joel groaned good-naturedly. "You're just too damn popular."

Ellie giggled at that. "I guess I am, huh!"

He couldn't help comparing this homecoming to their arrival a year ago. Ellie was a hundred times more comfortable this time around. Almost like she'd never left. Joel was... not uncomfortable, at least. Still a little twitchy when they encountered someone... a bit too quick to react to movement in his peripheral vision. He knew that would fade in time -- fade, but never vanish completely. It was too ingrained in him now. And if carrying was the norm...

Well. Joel liked it better when he and Ellie were the exceptions to the rule.

"We don' need to hold a press conference," he told Ellie now. "You just told enough people the basics that they'll go spread it around like wildfire." The basics were comprised of three things: they were back, Sophie's fine, and yes they found Alex in California. Most people wouldn't need to hear all the details.

"Hey, you're right! Fuck -- Millie will do that all on her own. Isn't that cool she remembered about the underwear?" Ellie said happily.

Millie was the local seamstress, and she'd been fixing to make Ellie some new underwear before they left. Since she couldn't give it to Ellie, it would have gone to some other girl instead, but she'd told Ellie to "come by tomorrow to catch up" (Ellie truly had received at least five such invitations) and basically put in her order. "I might have to let you do that one by yourself," he chuckled.

"Ha! Are you scared?"

"Yes." He almost made some teasing remark about her coaxing Millie into making her some sexier garments than originally planned... but a) if that idea hadn't crossed Ellie's mind, he didn't want to plant it there (God knows what Millie would assume she wanted it for -- or, rather, who she wanted it for), and b) they couldn't risk having such discussions in public anymore, teasing or not.

"Anyways, I can do all of them by myself -- you would be bored to tears!" She looked at him fondly. "Unless it's gonna be too hard for you to not see me all day?"

He wanted to scoff at that. Scoff and say of course he was okay with it, why wouldn't he be? But he knew that Ellie knew better. "It'll take some gettin' used to, sure. Ain't used to sharin' you."

"It's only been like a month," she laughed.

"No, even before that... we were always together. Even when you were playin' on the beach with the kids, it still felt like... -I always knew where you were, what you were doin'. But here in Jackson..."

"I will tell you where I am and what I'm doing at all times," she promised solemnly.

Joel frowned. "No, that's... I don't want that."

"Shut up -- you totally do. It's fine! I like the way--"

"We'll talk about this later, yeah?" he cut her off as they approached Tommy and Maria's house at last. "Now remember what I said. We left in February—"

"Not March!" She rolled her eyes. "I know -- you've only told me ten times."

"Only if people ask. Keep it vague. No need to volunteer any info." Ellie was skilled in many things, but lying was not one of them. And it was difficult, if not impossible, to teach someone to undo their tells. She could get some practice at it if they played more poker, perhaps. But even though being able to lie competently was a valuable skill to possess, Joel kind of liked that Ellie couldn't do it all that well. Not so much because he was concerned about her lying to him, just... it was sweet. A sign of her conscientiousness... and also her youth and innocence. Relatively speaking, at least.

"Aaaaand -- we only picked up this extra shit last night and the night before cuz we knew we were close to home," she recited.

"That's right." It would only be Tommy or Maria or maybe someone else at the house who would notice that one -- and only if they helped with the unloading (Joel would try to shoot that down... as he'd shot down every offer of help along the way thus far).

The house looked the same; he gave it a once-over while Ellie rushed to the door. Same rickety porch steps. Same peeling, dingy-white paint... but then, his brother had never been the type to take advantage of his standing in the community. Other than, perhaps, the entertainment system in the living room... but they had kids over all the time. They were practically running a goddamn daycare in order for certain folks to work. That more than justified it, in Joel's mind. Still, he couldn't see Tommy getting his own house painted when others needed it more. Joel made a mental note to inquire about the 'termite house' he'd worked on last summer; that one needed it bad.

Ellie was about to knock -- her signature knock, he presumed, after which she would enter without waiting for an answer, as was their custom -- but then she seemed to realize Joel was hanging back, and turned to glare at him instead. "What are you doing? Come on! Let's go in already!"

"Hold your horses. I'm tryin' to decide what to bring in. Do we want--"

"Just leave it! Fox doesn't mind holding it for a minute -- and you already have all your weapons on you, so come on!" She marched back down the steps, grabbed Joel's arm, and yanked him up and over to the door.

"Somethin' tells me it's gonna be longer than a minute," he chuckled. Hopefully half the town won't decide to come by to welcome us home, then get nosy enough to snoop through our shit. "Don't go in there hollerin' at the top of your lungs, now... the baby might be sleepin'."

She gasped. "Oh yeah, huh! I'll just..." She rapped lightly (possibly too lightly), pushed the door open slowly, and poked her head inside. "There's no one here, I think?" Ellie whispered to Joel, then called out tentatively, "Hellooooo?"

"They're upstairs," Joel observed, following Ellie through the door. "Hear 'em?"

Her eyes widened. "What if they're having sex?!" she hissed.

Joel chuckled. "I highly doubt--"

She gasped again. "Omigod -- is that the baby?!"

"Could be Tommy," Joel quipped; the noise was obviously coming from the baby. It wasn't crying so much as... fussing.

Ellie swatted him. "Good, so he's awake. We can go upstairs and surprise them!"

"You mean she's awake." Really hope it's a girl--

"If you're talkin' about Maria, she's only barely awake." Tommy had emerged from one of the bedrooms and moved to the railing, wearing a big dopey smile. "Well, look what the cat dragged in!"

"Tommy!" Ellie deposited her baggage at Joel's feet (or on them, partly) and flew up the stairs into his brother's arms. "Hiiiiiiii! Is there a cat in here?!"

"Is that Ellie?"

"Yes! Me and Joel!" Upon hearing Maria's voice, Ellie bounced away from Tommy over to the doorway of what Joel presumed would be the baby's bedroom. "Can I come in, or... ?"

Joel didn't hear Maria's response because Tommy was now coming down the stairs towards him. "Hey, big brother!"

"Hey yourself, baby brother." He kicked Ellie's shit aside and gave Tommy a hug -- what Ellie called a 'man hug,' brief and not-squishy, more clap-on-the-shoulders than embrace. "So you're a daddy now."

"I'm a daddy now. Here, lemme take somethin'..." Tommy picked up Ellie's backpack.

"Don't tell him what it is yet!" Ellie called from the bedroom.

"The sex of the baby," Joel translated for Tommy, who looked a bit confused by the request.

"Oh... right, you guys did like to argue about that." He and Joel started piling everything on the far side of the staircase... where there wasn't any baby stuff. Joel may or may not have been able to determine the gender of the child by the color of said baby stuff littering the living room... the dining area... he knew that Jackson's kids' clothing and toys and whatnot were basically passed on from one family to the next in descending order, and when they were this little, they might very well get dressed in whatever was handy and clean.

"Joel, what are you doing? Get up here and meet your-- er-- meet the kid!"

Tommy chuckled. "You two haven't changed one bit, have you."

"Not one bit." Except we're now lovers, is all... "And that trip was just... all sunshine'n'daisies, too." Joel rolled his shoulders and enjoyed a good stretch now that he was free of all that gear.

"I'm sure." Tommy snorted. "Can't wait to hear all about it. Sophie an' Alex?"

Joel nodded. "They're good. We had to look at a few different--"

"Joel!" Ellie was at the railing now. "If you wanna hold the baby, you have to wash your hands first! Come up here already!" And she disappeared again -- into the bathroom this time.

Tommy chuckled. "We sure have missed havin' you guys around. Didn't expect you back quite this soon."

"We missed you, too. Ellie really wanted to get back before the baby was born, but..."

"Yeah, we reckoned that wouldn't happen. You hit any snow?"

"We did. Nothin' we couldn't handle." The jeep and shovel really helped with that... Joel eyed the couch, where his ass had been parked for many a 'family movie night.' All he wanted to do now was sit and relax.

"JOEL!"

Tommy clapped him on the back again. "You better get up there, bro."

The couch could wait. He dutifully went up the stairs and found Ellie in the bathroom, drying her hands and face on a towel. "Warm water," she gushed. "It's heavenly."

A hot shower would feel heavenly to Joel. "Don't touch me now or you'll have to wash your hands again," he warned her when she moved close to him. They really needed to get out of the habit of touching each other all the time, at least when they were around others; being with Paul and Karma so recently had been good practice.

"We should prob'ly change our clothes first, really," Ellie fretted. "We're filthy."

"Don't worry about it," said Tommy from the hall. "We've got plenty of blankets."

"Blankets?" Ellie parroted. "Like... instead of clothes?!"

"I think he means for holdin' the baby," Joel replied with a smile as he started lathering his hands in the sink; he was in no hurry to hold the baby, but they needed a good wash anyhow (and the warm water did feel really nice).

"Oh. Right. Good, cuz that would be... ha! Okay so hurry up, Joel!"

"You don't gotta wait for me," he chuckled.

"Yes I do. You're the actual uncle."

"Ellie, you're part of this family, too," Tommy said kindly.

Joel didn't have to look at Ellie to know she was blushing. "Er... yeah, but... I'm not... it's not like... it's different," she mumbled.

If there was any justice in the world, Ellie would be the one who was the blood relative to that baby, whom she'd loved and looked forward to meeting since the moment she'd found out it was 'in the oven.' Joel just... wasn't excited the same way she was. The only reason he wanted to meet the kid now was because he knew Ellie was so eager to. He wanted to see her enjoy her well-earned happiness now that the long wait was over (truth be told, the months had flown by so fast he would hardly consider it a long wait himself, but he knew time passed more slowly at Ellie's age).

Maria was soothing the baby -- or trying to, anyway -- when they walked in the room. She was pacing the floor, the tiny blond infant cradled against her shoulder. There was more blue in the room than anything else... but that don't have to mean-- Yes it did. When Joel saw the smirk on Ellie's face, he knew he had lost their bet. "You were right, weren't you," he said, resigning himself to his fate and wondering how long he'd be able to put off paying the debt.

"I'm always right!" she said happily. "Joel, meet your nephew! His name is Grayson! Grayson James Miller. And he was born nine days before my birthday!"

Maria smiled apologetically. "This is just about the worst time of day for you to meet him. He's cranky and tired and needs to sleep but he just... ugh, I don't know what it is about the afternoon..."

"He won't go down without a fight," Tommy added. "Babe, I think Ellie wants to hold him."

"What -- me?" Ellie cried. "No, give him to Joel! I'll just watch."

Joel gave her a look. "Ellie. You've been dyin' to hold that baby since--"

"Not really! I just wanted to see him. He's so... little. I mean... of course I'll hold him eventually! Just... not yet. You go first. I'd prob'ly drop him or something." She even took a step back. Almost like she wanted to hide behind Joel.

"You wouldn't drop him," Joel chuckled. Is this a ploy just to get me to hold him? He had spent as much time around babies lately as Ellie had: none at all. He couldn't remember the last time he'd held a newborn. He could at times be coerced into playing with the little kids in town, but the youngest of them was probably two or three years old. Guess I'll give Ellie what she wants-- "All right, well... at least I can't make him cry, seein' as how he's already cryin'."

Maria laughed. "This? This is nothing. You wanna hear crying, just take his clothes off." She started shifting the baby and adjusting his blanket to hand him over to Joel.

"That's a fact -- he sure don't like bein' naked," Tommy confirmed.

Ellie giggled. "Can't blame him. The world is so much colder than where he came from!"

Joel settled the little guy in his arms in the standard cradling position. "Hey there, buddy," he cooed, turning slightly to give Ellie a better view of the baby's scrunchy little face.

"Awwww he's so fucking cute!" Ellie gushed. "Oops-- sorry. I'll be good around him, I swear. I mean -- I won't swear. Ha!" She was generally cognizant of tailoring her language to suit her audience.

"He's too little to know the difference right now," Maria replied. "But he's taking it all in... he just started making those gurgly little noises, like... last week?"

"For real? Like he's already trying to talk?"

"Sort of. It'll be a long time before he says any actual words, though. -Go ahead, you can touch him," she added, noticing Ellie's hesitation.

Ellie stroked the baby's downy light hair gently. "So soft... look at those pretty blue eyes... or maybe they're more like... green?"

"They tend to start out blue but can change a bit durin' the first year," Joel recited from some long-dormant part of his brain that had learned all this crap in another life.

"Really? Weird. Aww, he likes you, Joel! He's not crying!"

Joel chuckled. "Looks like he's fixin' to. I bet he's confused... tryin' to figure out who I am... an' why I kinda sound like his daddy but not quite." You sure are cute, though, little fella...

"He's more of a mama's boy," Tommy said as the baby let out the most adorable of yawns. "And he's tired right now... Ellie, if you go sit over in that rockin' chair an' we put him in your lap, I bet he'll fall asleep soon enough. That way you won't have to worry about droppin' him, see?"

Ellie still seemed a little freaked out. "Maybe not dropping, no, but like... what if he rolls off?"

"Just go sit!" Maria laughed. "He can't even roll over yet. Don't worry."

"I think Joel wants to keep holding him," was Ellie's next excuse. "Maybe he should go sit."

"Oh no," Joel protested. "He's gettin' a little noisy for me. Go on." He strongly suspected Ellie did truly want to hold the kid... that she just wanted to be 'talked into it' first, for whatever reason.

Ellie smiled sheepishly, reinforcing the notion. "Okay... if you guys insist... but I've never held a baby this small before -- never even seen one, actually... oh! Rochelle had her baby, right?"

Rochelle... the only thing Joel remembered about that girl was the fact that she was pregnant (and looked too young to be, in his opinion, but apparently she was in her early twenties), and very much alone. She kept to herself so much that even Ellie didn't know much about her, and that was saying something.

"...She did," Maria answered, oddly hesitant. "We'll have to give you the low-down on everyone and everything. Maybe when I'm not so freaking tired." Punctuated by a yawn.

That don't sound good... he hoped Ellie would leave it at that. "In about six months, then?" he quipped.

"Oh God, don't even say that!" Maria groaned.

Joel chuckled sympathetically; he was actually more accustomed to sleep deprivation now than he had been in his youth, but for much more unpleasant reasons. Ellie seems to be situated in the chair now-- "All right, kiddo, here he comes... all you have to remember is to support his head."

"Support his head," she repeated. "You mean like... just keep my arm under it?"

"Right." Joel laid the squirmy little boy across Ellie's lap, amused at how nervous she looked. How stiff her posture was. "Keep your arm over the blanket there an' he ain't gonna roll off. You can lean back. Rock the chair a bit."

"He loves being rocked," Maria agreed.

Ellie relaxed a little. She smiled at the baby, who was now staring up at her like he was utterly fascinated by her pretty face... and the curtain of red hair that framed it, unponytailed as it was. "Hi, Grayson... I'm Ellie. Nice to meet you. You are the cutest thing ever, you know that?"

Actually, the cutest thing ever wasn't the baby -- it was Ellie holding the baby. But Joel kept that thought to himself.

* * * * * * *

Little by little over the course of the day, they learned of the happenings around town (not all of them, though... a couple inquiries were answered only with "later," which Joel of course assumed was bad news). Tommy and Maria also wanted to hear all about their 'vacation,' so the four of them took turns asking and answering questions and exchanging anecdotes, with Ellie and Tommy doing the bulk of the speaking. Word may have gotten around that they were back, but no one saw fit to try to come visit, perhaps thanks to Ellie's liberal use of the word "tomorrow" in speaking with them. It felt like old times, hanging out in the living room while a heavenly-smelling stew brewed in the crockpot. Maria had actually nodded off a couple of times, but she insisted she wanted to catch up with them rather than take a nap. Tommy wasn't bursting with energy, either, but he wasn't the one who had to feed the baby round the clock every two or three hours. Not because he was unwilling... but because Maria pretty much hated the breast pump doohickey. Joel didn't need to hear any more than that, and he'd have bet the farm Ellie pushed for gorey details just to see him squirm and/or see how long it was before he changed the subject (he decided to go unburden the poor horse who was still patiently waiting outside, even though living arrangements had yet to be discussed).

Ellie said she wanted to take Fox down to the stables and visit her friend Annie, but she also didn't want to leave the house when there was still so much to talk about. Joel suspected she was also itching to spend more time with little Grayson when he woke up. It had taken about fifteen minutes for him to fall asleep in Ellie's lap, and then it was another five or ten minutes before transferring him to the crib, "just to be safe," because apparently if it was attempted too soon, he'd wake up and cry when he noticed he was being laid down. Ellie thought that was cute as hell. In fact, everything she learned about the baby seemed to delight or amuse her. Anyhow, it was decided that they would eat on the early side and head to the farm shortly after dinner.

Dinner was just the four of them. Four had been an unusually low number before, but now it was higher than the norm; that Chelsea girl who was always hanging around had taken over the 'daycare' shit shortly before Grayson was born. Tommy and Maria had decided that they didn't want the house to be a circus of sorts anymore, noisy and lively with people constantly coming and going. Joel could certainly understand that (he hadn't seen the appeal of having a house full of people all the time to begin with).

Maria couldn't be away from the baby for very long -- and it wasn't that easy to take him out, what with having to feed him and change and launder his cloth diapers so often -- so she went a little stir-crazy sometimes. She credited Tommy with keeping her sane (Joel definitely pitied the woman for having no better option than his brother for that). He could tell that both of them were truly glad to see him and Ellie... and that aside from being happy that they were alive and well, the new parents surely must have recognized that some measure of salvation had arrived. That Joel and Ellie would be more of a help to them than a burden. Not that their friends and neighbors weren't helpful... but it was different, with close family. Less cordiality, or formality. Especially since they had all been living together before. There was no need for Tommy and Maria to wait on them as if they were guests. No need to fret about looking like shit, or having spit-up on your shirt, or the house being a mess. People might care less about that sort of thing now compared to Before... but still.

Joel waited until a natural pause in conversation occurred about halfway through dinner to cash in on one of those "later"s. "I know it ain't my place to have a say in this," he began carefully, ignoring Ellie's stifled groan, "but do either of you wanna tell me why the hell we have a scanner at the gates now?"

Tommy nodded as if he'd been expecting this to come up sooner rather than later. "I knew you weren't gonna like that."

No shit. "And you know why I don't." He turned to look at Maria. "Not sure if you know..."

"Of course I know. I've known since the day you first came here and tried to get Tommy to--"

"Not that," he cut in. "Or... that, yes, but that's how I found out about it -- it was the scanner. It reads her as positive."

"I know about your... little encounter with the soldiers in Boston, yeah," Maria replied. "And it makes sense. The Cordyceps might be inactive... or dormant... whatever... but it's still there. Not like she's... cured of it. Right? Ellie, your arm... is it still... ?"

"I think it's maybe a little better?" Ellie set down her silverware to tug her sleeve up and show off her scars.

Tommy leaned in to look at it closer. "A year and a half out, though, that's..."

"Or maybe she has antibodies in her system that would make it read positive," Maria suggested. "I don't know how that all works. Not like we can get a doctor's opinion, since you want to keep it a secret."

"Yeah," Joel grumbled, freshly annoyed by the fact that they were keenly aware of the issue yet had still obtained the scanner. He looked at Tommy again -- because it came a hell of a lot more naturally to him to speak crossly to his brother than to his sister-in-law. "What did you think was gonna happen when we came back? Or did you assume we were done for out there?"

Tommy snorted. "Shoot -- I'd never assume that. Ain't nothin' can kill you. Shit that would kill any other man don't kill you, so--"

"All right then. I repeat: what did you think was gonna happen?"

"Exactly what did happen," he replied, nonplussed. "You talked your way through, no problem."

"And what if we hadn't been able to?" Joel scowled. "Then what? What if Ellie had come back by herself? But-- forget all that: what about the next time we go Outside? Don't you think it's gonna look a little suspicious that we never wanna let 'em scan us?"

"You're makin' a bigger deal out of this than it is," was Tommy's breezy reply to that. He sat there, calmly eating his stew like this was just any other casual conversation.

"Am I. How so?" ...Do you WANT me to kill all the guards letting us back Inside?

"Because it's mainly meant for new folks. Strangers. People we'd typically quarantine."

"Which includes folks who've been away a long time," Joel pointed out.

"But you're our family," Maria replied. "The rules don't always apply. No one's ever even tried to scan me or Tommy -- not that we'd care if they did. It's just... one of those things."

"Good to be king, as they say," Tommy added.

"Exactly," said Maria. "They remember we bent the rules when you got here last time, not quarantining you."

Joel had wondered previously if anyone had given them attitude about that. "Didn't stop 'em from wantin' to scan us today. How do you know who remembers an' who don't?"

"Small town... people have long memories," Tommy replied. He dunked his bread in the stew and took a bite before continuing. "Besides that -- there's only one scanner. You wanna leave for a while? You find out where it's at, an' use a different gate. Hell, if you come to me, I'll just get on the radio and flat-out ask where it's at -- no one'll question it, or think twice about it. If you're only gone for a few hours or somethin', no one's gonna make you wait while they fetch the thing."

Joel continued to be irritated by Tommy's nonchalance. Doesn't he get that it's Ellie's LIFE at stake here? "What if it moves to another gate before we get back? Moves to a gate we thought was safe?"

"Then... you... -oh -- that's easy. If it's important enough to move it, then they're gonna inform us anyhow. 'Cause either it's someone new or it's someone who went out farther, like the scouts -- scavengers -- folks we usually talk to when they return. If we get a heads up like that, I'll just pick up the scanner an' -- well, I s'pose I could just hang onto it 'til you came back."

"Seriously, Joel, it won't be a problem," Maria assured him. "It's one of those things where... it's nice to have it as an option, rather than having to quarantine people... but it's not used regularly."

Joel could continue to come up with 'what if's and they would just come back with sensible answers that should put his mind at ease. Should... but he knew they wouldn't. No matter... my first instinct is still the best one here -- first guard shift I do, I'm gonna see to it that that thing disappears... well, maybe the second shift -- less suspicious that way. Either it disappears, or mysteriously stops working... but he was leaning towards making it disappear. A malfunction could possibly be fixed, but if no one could find the goddamn thing? They'd just be screwed. And it was completely in the realm of possibility for a mischievous kid to find a way to get his hands on it as a prank... then be too worried about getting caught to return it, and too scared to 'fess up. Hopefully that will be the end of it, and they won't bother with a replacement...

He glanced at Maria. "Be that as it may, I can't help wonderin' what possessed you all to get one. Didn' need it before, don' need it now. As I recall, newcomers tired from travelin' to get here don't much mind bein' locked away to rest up a couple days. Ain't like you starve 'em or don't give 'em anythin' to do in there." It was a goddamn hotel suite, not a jail cell.

"It's okay, Joel." This from Ellie, who feared the scanner as much as having a gun pulled on her, if not more. Apparently, she'd hidden it well enough to fool the guards, but Joel had seen it at the gate... or maybe he'd felt it. (It was possible he didn't give her enough credit, when it came to disguising her emotions, simply because he knew her so well.) Like Tommy, she continued casually eating like they were just discussing the weather -- but then, Ellie had to be seriously upset to not eat a good meal right under her nose. "If it helps the town... I mean, we weren't even here. What right do I--"

"It ain't about rights," Joel scoffed. "It's about... doin' right by your own."

"So it is about rights," Ellie replied with a little smile. "You know... doing right?"

At least she don't seem that worried about it now. "Glad you find all this so funny," he snarled, then turned back to Tommy. "How often do you even get newcomers? Ain't like you're admittin' new people every--"

"If you'd quit your bitchin' an' moanin'," Tommy cut in, "I'll answer your first question, which will answer your second."

And there was that sanctimonious, patronizing tone that Joel had come to hate from his baby brother -- a product of the past couple decades. The two of them hadn't worked out their differences so much as agreed to look past them, and if he thought about it too hard, Joel would get angry all over again at how Tommy resented him simply for doing what amounted to keeping them both alive. They were never going to see eye to eye. No matter that Tommy would be dead now if it wasn't for him. Joel just knew that he was right and Tommy was wrong... and that Tommy still believed the opposite.

Joel noticed Ellie and Maria exchanging amused "here they go again" looks, which only served to irritate him further. "Go on, then. I'm listenin'."

Tommy took his sweet time chewing and swallowing before replying. "You know how we've been tradin' with the medical facility in Idaho. Turns out the Boise QZ got shut down, so they--"

"They did?" Ellie interrupted anxiously -- and this time Joel was certain her emotions were etched on her face. "When was that?"

Tommy seemed a little surprised by the interjection. "Oh... I don' know... last summer some time?"

"August, I think," Maria put in. "Maybe September."

"That doesn't make sense," Ellie fretted -- unnecessarily, at that, because it didn't strike Joel as an extraordinary occurrence.

"No? Why not?" asked Tommy.

Joel mentally shot Ellie a cease-and-desist look, which she heeded (sometimes she could feel shit from him just as well as she could see it). You're welcome, Paul... Then he took the reins. " 'Cause last we heard, they were doin' well up there. Even takin' in new people." A complete lie, but believable enough.

"Who told you that?" Maria asked curiously.

Joel shrugged and casually sopped his next bite of bread in the stew (...because, if nothing else, he could lie and eat at the same time). "Can't remember... I reckon it was a month or so before we left. Maybe longer." He could have even fabricated a source to pad the lie; with the way rumors and misinformation flew around the town, it wasn't likely to stir up any trouble, but selling it really wasn't important enough to bother with that. Even if Ellie does tell them about Paul, it ain't life or death... unlike her 'condition' possibly getting exposed.

"Well, either they were wrong, or things changed in a hurry," Tommy continued. "As they do, sometimes. The medical center was allegedly havin' some issues with folks lingerin' up there... folks who didn' need to be there for medical reasons anymore but didn't wanna go back to wherever they came from, where conditions prob'ly weren't so nice. Not our people, mind you."

"Well, ours were doing that, too," said Maria. "Just for a different reason -- there was the issue of getting them home. Not everyone, but... people who didn't have family who brought them, or... you know. People not..." She made a vague gesture with her hand.

"People not as... seasoned at bein' Outside as you two," Tommy supplied. "Transportation has always been... a challenge, if not exactly a problem."

"It doesn't have to be," said Ellie. "The military has helicopters. If they could just let us borrow them once in a while..."

Joel groaned inwardly; the cease-and-desist wasn't necessary this time because she knew full well he didn't want her to talk about anything related to the military, and she simply didn't care (yes, he could feel this from her... in waves).

"Haha -- they do!" Maria smiled at Ellie. "Did you see a helicopter out there?"

"Yeah -- two of them! Or maybe it was the same one twice. Did you guys see it here, too? Did it fly over the town?"

She asked it innocently enough, but Joel knew better; obviously she was just trying to find out if the military was looking for them in Jackson.

"Yep," Maria replied. "Only once, though, that I remember. Little while back."

"Low enough that everyone ran out to gawk at it," Tommy added. "And slow enough that I half expected 'em to land nearby an' come talk to us for some reason. Plus it wasn't really flyin' straight. ...Almost like it was lookin' for someone in town." He not-so-casually glanced at Joel.

He knows. But WHAT does he know? Fortunately, it seemed Ellie had either missed that look or hadn't thought anything of it.

"Which is ridiculous," Maria scoffed. "If they were looking, whoever they were looking for probably wouldn't be stupid enough to let themselves be found... by, say, standing in the street staring up at it."

No, but if that person was stupid enough -- or cocky enough -- to park an army jeep with bright white lettering in the street... "Maybe they were havin' technical difficulties," Joel suggested. "The ones we saw weren't goin' by real fast, either."

"Or maybe the pilot didn't know what they were doing," Ellie speculated -- again, quite innocently. She definitely put on a better show when she was in the driver's seat. When she wasn't caught off guard.

What a good little liar she's becoming, Joel thought... with an odd mixture of pride and dismay -- as well as disbelief, because he'd just been thinking the opposite a short while ago.

"Possibly," Tommy allowed... but Joel knew he wasn't convinced. "Maybe they were new... inexperienced. Who knows. Anyhow, the military, in all its wisdom, decided to move Boise to Idaho Falls."

Ellie knit her brow. "Is there even a Zone there?"

"They were gonna make it one," Tommy replied. "The medical staff didn't like that, so there was some pushback. Long story short, we agreed to take some in, though not all at once. About half of 'em arrived in the fall, with the other--"

"Hang on," Joel interrupted him. "You mean to tell me you no longer get a say in who stays an' who don't?"

"Knew you weren't gonna like that, either," Tommy said, like it was some brilliant observation on his part. "We still get a say as far as... they still have to live by our rules. Our 'code of conduct' an' whatnot."

"But any old riffraff they send, you gotta take in." Joel shook his head. "Why would you agree to that?"

"We discussed it," Maria replied. "A lot. Not just us -- we talked to other longtime residents. Craig... Houser... Esther... Earl..."

"And they were all on board with this," Joel surmised. So much for it's good to be king.

"We agreed that there would have to be certain conditions," Tommy replied, "and we wanted it all laid out in writing."

"Jesus Christ, Tommy, paper don't mean shit anymore." Joel didn't mean to be so belligerent at his brother's table (he could already hear Ellie giving him shit for it later, because he'd instilled in her that it was impolite), but this one got his blood boiling. "It might matter to you, and to others who've been livin' here a while, but it don't matter to the rest of the world."

The baby chose that moment to announce that he was awake with a standard "come get me outta here" sort of cry that wafted down to them through his cracked-open door. Maria chuckled as she rose. "Saved by the bell."

"I'll go with you!" cried Ellie excitedly. "I mean -- unless -- like if you don't want me around when you're feeding him or something... or, I dunno... you wanna be alone with him..."

"Of course you can come," Maria replied, stifling at least the fifth yawn Joel had observed since they'd sat down to eat. "I get tons of alone time with him. Really."

Ellie stood up, but then looked at Joel and Tommy regretfully. "I do want to hear the rest of this, though..."

"I'll fill you in upstairs," Maria offered.

And I'll fill in the blanks for you later, Joel added in his head -- because Maria would probably deliver some sanitized version that would be more palatable to Ellie. Maybe I won't fill in ALL the blanks... just the ones related to Ellie's safety.

She shoveled what little stew was left in her bowl into her mouth before scurrying over to the stairs behind Maria, leaving half a slice of bread on her plate. "I'll eat that when I get back -- don't throw it out!"

Like he didn't already know better than to just toss it. Joel poked at his own stew, which was going to get cold before he finished at this rate. He was actually pretty hungry, just... he couldn't seem to eat and talk about all this shit at the same time.

Tommy leveled his gaze on Joel. "I'm not an idiot, Joel. I know they can welch on a paper deal as easy as a verbal one... an' not be held accountable by anyone."

"...Then why?"

"Because... frankly, we were lucky they were even willin' to play ball with us at all," Tommy said grimly. "We reckoned it was best to play nice."

Joel absorbed that for a moment. It didn't shock him; nothing seedy about the military or government did. "But it ain't like they're doin' you favors here -- you have somethin' they want."

"Hence the tradin' -- yes. It's a good thing we can play ball with them. Otherwise..."

"To hell with ~otherwise~ -- it sounds like things are bad enough as it is," Joel grumbled. "I thought you said what's-his-face... Rick? Rich? ...was one of the good guys." Joel had never met the guy.

"He is. But he's low on that totem pole in the grand scheme of things."

"He's just the mouth," Joel deduced.

"He has some agency, sure, but not when it comes to reorganizin' QZs an' shit. That's another change: that outpost also moved to Idaho Falls."

Joel could understand the benefits of centralizing things... to a point. "I thought they were already situated close to the rails." And he already knew the railroads were more functional now than they were a year ago.

"They were. Closer than that medical complex is, but... it's close enough, I guess? And the trains already run past there so maybe they reckoned it's all good."

Joel snorted. "Until they decide to move Oregon down here or somethin'." Joel had no idea how many QZs were still operational in the northwest -- or if there had ever been one in Oregon -- but it seemed unlikely that they would run the trains west of Idaho if there weren't any left at all.

"Don't give 'em any ideas," Tommy chuckled.

"It ain't funny. That's where all this is headed. You make a deal with the devil, you gotta pay the--"

"Hey now -- that original deal's been in place for years. Since before I even got here. You can't tell me it's a bad one. You like havin' soap... razors... shampoo... toilet paper... toothpaste..."

"All luxuries, not necessities." Luxuries he'd become quite accustomed to, granted... especially since things had turned romantic with Ellie. "They don't even keep us fully stocked, either -- unless that changed over the winter." He waited for Tommy to indicate that it hadn't before continuing. "I didn't think so. We can learn to make our own -- hell, Annie already makes a... a hair conditioner for Ellie. Somethin' with beer in it..." He never remembered the other ingredients.

"Easier said than done -- and we can't manufacture our own drugs. Herbal remedies an' shit will only take you so far. We need batteries, too... ammo... light bulbs... things like that, that you take for granted. Clothing, or fabric... and what about all the materials they supplied us with for Farm 4?" (That was indeed the brilliant name they had come up with for the sister farm.) "We can get wood, sure, but none of our experiments with makin' our own bricks have panned out, and as far as treatin' the wood... -Joel, you haven't even heard what we're gettin' out of this."

Since Tommy seemed to be pausing for dramatic effect here, Joel humored him. "And what, pray tell, might that be? Aside from a goddamn scanner we don' need."

"That, yes... they also offered to send some of their men down to--"

"Wait -- you mean to tell me they're turnin' this town into a damn QZ?" That's where Joel had reckoned this was going... eventually. But if they're already trying to take over things like--

"No. Relax. They offered to help with... security an' such. We declined. Said we can handle it ourselves. They were fine with that."

"Good." Joel still didn't like it. It still seemed like they were taking steps towards imposing martial law in Jackson. At the very least, the town was 'going corporate' -- and he didn't like that, either.

"We do like our independence, you know. And some folks just plain don't trust soldiers."

Joel snorted again. "Can't imagine why."

Tommy gave him a long, hard look. "To be fair, they can't trust all of us, either. You wanna tell me why they might be lookin' for you'n'Ellie?"

Here we go-- "Could be any number of reasons. You know we had to kill some on our way out here from Boston. Or maybe the Fireflies went to 'em after Salt--"

"I got the feelin' this was more recent than that."

Joel sighed. "We may have had to kill a few on our way from Monterey as well. But Tommy, I swear to you, it was only the ones we had to. It was us or them. Ain't like we went lookin' for trouble." Well, ELLIE may have...

"Tch. Ain't it always us or them?"

"No. Not always." Joel may have possibly laid eyes on a soldier in the past twenty-odd years that he hadn't needed to kill.

"All right, well... they apparently don' know your last name, and after that Firefly debacle last year... I'm still actin' like I ain't seen you since Boston. I reckon it's better that way. They don' need to know."

Thank God. Joel wouldn't have expected Tommy to turn him in -- especially with Ellie involved in the mess as well -- but that didn't mean his brother might not inadvertently tip them off. "I appreciate that. As far as the gates... patrol...?"

"Same policy as before. No one talks. Any questions from Outside organizations get directed to me or Maria only."

That 'policy' had been put in place shortly after Joel and Ellie had arrived a year ago, and although Tommy hadn't said as much, Joel suspected it had to do with protecting him and Ellie from possible Salt Lake City backlash. It wasn't an idiot-proof solution to staying off everyone's radar, but it did increase their chances immensely. "Thank you, baby brother."

"No sweat. As far as they know, no one by the name of Joel or Ellie has ever lived here. And I assured them I'd send word if you showed up. I was a little worried they'd wanna come in an' look around... talk to folks. But I guess they either believed me or just didn't care about doin' that. ...I tried to look at it as a good sign -- that you two were out there, alive an' well... and stirrin' up shit."

Joel didn't bother getting defensive again -- and two 'thank you's would suffice. Subject closed. "All right... so what is it that you negotiated in this deal you made? The good stuff."

"Assistance with restorin' some of the more dilapidated houses around town. Gettin' the materials, mostly. Fact is, there ain't enough good homes left on the main streets to keep movin' people to when we can't fix what's wrong with theirs. So the Ghost Town area... ain't quite as ghostly anymore."

"No shit?" Joel probably shouldn't have been surprised at that; he'd seen firsthand the state some of the houses were in. Some of them had probably needed attention decades before the pandemic. He and the guys had to get creative sometimes in how they 'fixed' them with whatever they had at their disposal, which was usually either a) not enough materials, or b) shoddy materials -- and sometimes it was a combination of both. "How many people we talkin' about here?"

Tommy winced, like he knew he was about to deliver more news Joel wouldn't like. "Total? Almost two hundred."

But Joel had expected it to be a fairly significant number like that. "So... nearly double the current population."

"Yep. They ain't all here yet. Told 'em we needed time to fix up the houses... and that without knowin' what kind of winter we were in for, we weren't sure how much we could get done. That I wasn't gonna risk people's necks by havin' 'em work on icy rooftops, either."

Based on what they'd heard over dinner, Joel counted himself and Ellie lucky to have spent the winter in a warmer climate.

"They gettin' us paint now?" Joel asked. "Noticed on the way over."

Tommy nodded. "Paint, stain... more of the finish we'd been usin' that we always ran out of... increased supplies, naturally... more walkie talkies -- upgraded ones..." Tommy rattled off a few more things before Joel held up his hand.

"That's all well an' good... but are they actually deliverin' what they're promisin', is what I wonder."

"So far, yes. And they made a good point about people not havin' much to do in the Zone, unless they make 'em do patrols an' things like that... whereas here, we can put 'em to work. Farm 4 won't have to borrow from the three farms here to help with their plantin', which they just started. One of the first things we did was build a bunkhouse up there. Shit, I didn't even tell you one of the best things -- instead of us havin' to do trade runs every month, they send a truck down here. I mean a big one -- a movin' truck. Drop off our goods, we fill it up with theirs -- good to go. Ain't that somethin'?"

"That's good," Joel grudgingly admitted. "We still use the wagon?"

"Sure. We don't get to keep the truck so we use it around town, or between farms... could use it for the dam too although we haven't needed to transport anythin' big up there..."

That Lucas kid hadn't actually built the wagon, but he'd designed it. Joel liked working with him, and he'd been glad to hear earlier that the boy was doing well. He sat back in his seat, his bowl finally empty and his belly comfortably full. "Not to change the subject, but... as far as livin' arrangements..."

"You'n'Ellie are always welcome here."

Joel nodded. "Much appreciated, but we don't wanna put you out. Especially with the baby and all..."

"Are you kiddin'? We could use the help," Tommy chuckled. "Especially from people who won't keep passive-aggressively tellin' us we're Doin' It Wrong."

"No promises there," Joel teased. "Except from Ellie -- on helpin' out, I mean. You can sign her up for that. She's a quick study." I hope I can pry her away from that baby... maybe she won't WANT to move back into our own place? The baby was crying now, and Joel idly wondered if the kid was protesting being half naked for a diaper change.

"We will definitely take her up on her offer to babysit. Even if it's just for short periods."

"She'd like that. And... she can still do that, even if we move back to our house. I... think it's time. Although I'd like to make it a little more secure, if we can."

"You could move to a different house," Tommy suggested. "One that's more central, so people can't--"

"No, no... we like the one we've got." The isolation had its benefits.

"You sure? It's so small. And you ain't gettin' any younger -- sleepin' on a couch every night can't be good for your back."

Joel chuckled. "It's prob'ly better than that old mattress in Ellie's room, truth be told." Not that he would actually know, since he'd only ever slept on that couch once or twice. "Besides, I've gotten used to sleepin' on all different surfaces, in all kinds of places. Just bein' inside four walls is good enough for me."

"Suit yourself," Tommy said with a shrug in his tone. "How are you fixin' to beef up the security? Oh -- I know! We could get you a bodyguard." He grinned at that ludicrous idea.

Joel gave him a withering look. "A bodyguard?"

"More like a house guard. A sentry who just... stands out there by the front door all day long."

"All night, too. Sure. Good idea, baby brother. Real practical." Ellie would have to... not be quite so loud, Joel smirked to himself. But he liked that she got loud sometimes. It was hot as hell. ...So hot that he couldn't afford to be thinking about it right now, actually. "I was thinkin' more along the lines of motion detector lights."

"Oh, we could prob'ly--"

"And a wall," Joel continued. "Around the whole thing -- with a gate we can lock from the inside."

"Uh... okay... that might be a little harder to come by. But -- another thing I didn't tell you -- we had a key cutter. When we brought up the fact that most folks here can't lock their houses when they go out, an' suddenly havin' hundreds of strangers around was bound to make 'em uneasy about that, they got one for us. A loaner. Nothin' fancy. Gave a few of us a crash course on rekeyin' locks an' cuttin' keys. Mitch an' Tyrone locksmithed their asses off... hundreds of keys, they did... didn't finish before the first group arrived, but shortly after. Each household has one key per person plus one extra -- plus there's one extra besides that, that we keep in our master key cabinet that only me, Maria, an' Craig have the combo to, in Craig's office."

Joel could imagine how big an undertaking that was. "Ghost Town houses, too?"

"Yep."

"But the machine was on loan, you said... so if you need any more -- someone loses theirs or somethin' --"

"Then we put in an order for one an' send it off with the next truck. Hasn't happened yet."

"Why couldn't they just let you keep the thing? What the hell do they need it for anyhow?"

"Beats me, but we're all set now. Did your house, too, so you'n'Ellie can each have your own key. Plus a spare, if you still wanna keep one outside. Next time you go shoppin', you can even pick out keychains if you want -- we finally have a use for all of 'em now."

"I'll leave that to Ellie. Maybe we'll go tomorrow." They would no doubt need some staples for the pantry; Ellie had insisted on giving everything back before they left ("what if we never come back for some reason? Do you want all that to go to waste?"). He heard footsteps approaching from around the corner and stiffened momentarily, all senses heightened, one hand hovering over a gun on his hip -- but he knew right away it was just Ellie. Guess my body needs to learn to listen to my brain again... still, he was a little surprised, given that he'd heard Ellie's footsteps far more than anyone else's these past few months. He didn't usually have such a visceral reaction like that.

"Where are we going tomorrow?" she chirped when she came into sight.

"The storehouse. It’s prob’ly closed for the day."

Ellie pondered this as she slid back into her seat. "Tomorrow, yeah. By the time I leave the farm... except, hey, we don't have to like... go to bed with the sun anymore, do we!"

The "I" did not escape Joel's notice. "You wanna go by yourself?"

"...Uh... isn't that what we said? Is that okay? I mean, unless you're dying to talk to Esther for a long time. Which I don't think you are, so you'll be hanging around... hovering... mentally yelling at me that you wanna leave--"

"When do I ever yell at you?" he chuckled.

"Mentally, I said." She sopped up the dregs of her cold stew with what was left of her bread. "And then I'd feel guilty. You'd guilt me into leaving before we--"

"All right, all right. Sold. Since you've got this all figured out."

"I do," she said sagely. "While I'm at the farm, you can go fix up our house -- like, get it all ready and stuff."

Tommy laughed loudly at that. "Shit, Joel, she really does have it all figured out."

Of course, Joel would rather do that than socialize at the farm, and Ellie knew it. "Tch. What am I, your slave?" He injected the words with annoyance, just to amuse her.

She giggled, then adopted her snooty tone -- the first time she'd used it since her little birthday... thing. "I prefer the term... ~manservant.~ Ah, it's good to be... queen. And yes, I expect everything to be shape-ship-- uh--" She dropped the affected voice with a chuckle. "That makes me think shape-shifting. Which can't be right."

"Shipshape," Joel supplied. "When everythin's neat'n'tidy."

"Yes! That. Though I don't see what that has to do with ships..."

"Sailors had to keep their quarters tidy on account of the turbulence an' whatnot," Joel explained. "And the small space, I reckon."

"Okay -- well, our house is small, I guess, so... it fits! Way smaller than this one, anyway. No upstairs."

"...Speakin' of upstairs... you leave your belt up there still?"

"I'll get it before we leave," Ellie sighed. "Jeez."

"Maria fall asleep up there?" asked Tommy.

"Oh! No. Not yet. She said she'd be coming down. Guess what, Joel -- did you know that when you change a little boy's diaper, you have to cover his pee-pee or he'll just shoot pee all over? Like in your face? Ha!"

Joel arched an eyebrow. "Pee-pee?"

"You know. His dick."

"I know what it is, smartass, I just never heard you use that term before."

Tommy chuckled and looked at Ellie. "Maria's got you usin' her baby words already."

"It actually doesn't feel right, calling it a dick. It's a pee-pee. It's all cute and tiny. Doesn't even look like a dick. -Er... I mean... not that I've seen one or anything... just... what I imagine they must look like..." Her face was flaming red.

Tommy shot an amused look at Joel. "Uh-huh."

"No, really!" Ellie insisted.

"It's all right, kiddo," Joel said nonchalantly. "You can 'fess up. You've seen much bigger ones."

"What?! No I haven't!" cried Ellie, looking appropriately outraged for an innocent young girl with virgin eyes, but Joel knew she was actually wondering what the hell had gotten into him.

She's just so fun to mess with! "I didn't wanna say anything, out of respect..." Joel dragged it out just long enough to enjoy the bemused look on Tommy's face as well as the WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING look on Ellie's -- but not long enough that Ellie might say something incriminating. He glanced at Tommy. "But it ain't like you even know the guy. Back east, Ellie decided to help herself to a friend's... personal... literature stash. She got an eyeful before I made her toss it."

Ellie was glaring at him now, but he could tell she was also trying not to laugh. "You know I only did that to make you squirm!"

"Uh-huh," he mimicked Tommy from earlier. "You weren't curious or nothin'."

"If I hadn't wanted to get caught, I would've just sat back there quietly looking, wouldn't I? Why call your attention to it?" she reasoned.

Joel had never quite thought of it that way. Hadn't given it much thought at all, really. Ah, the first of many awkward moments to come. "Fair enough. ...But you were also curious."

Tommy chuckled. "Sixteen now. Joel, you're gonna have to let her date sooner or later."

Date? Who even goes on dates these days? "I don't have to let her -- she can do as she pleases. I'm fine with it." Sure I am. Now which one of them will call--

"Bullshit!" Tommy and Ellie said at the same time, making each other laugh.

Despite the fact that his brother could get under his skin like no other, Joel really did love him, and seeing the affection that Tommy and Ellie had for each other warmed his heart. Maybe things were a little different in Jackson now... but some change was to be expected. It still beat the hell out of living in a Zone, or Outside. Ellie was in her element here, and Joel could ease up on worrying about her safety... at least a little. It's good to be HOME.

~

A/N: Ellie won the bet! But what exactly were the stakes?

This was just a fun little side thing, and although I thought about working the "payment of the debt" into the story later, I never did. Or, I should say, I haven't yet (still editing!)... ...but perhaps I COULD, with reader input! I would like to do it as a short bonus chapter, probably at the end, although it would most likely take place before the end of the story. So, if there's something you'd like to see in chapter 50, let me know, and I might use your idea :)

It has to fit the setting, can’t interfere with the main plot (not that you would know what’s in store, obviously – just sayin’), and can't be egregiously OOC. Since Joel lost, I don't need to know what Ellie would have had to "pay," but if you'd like to share ideas about that as well, it could possibly be mentioned in the chapter! And there's no rule that says the stakes have to be equal. In fact, I can totally see Ellie conning Joel into getting the worse end of the deal.

Lastly -- it does not have to be sexual! Even though Ellie strongly implied that it would be, earlier in the story, maybe she changed her mind when this other idea occurred to her?
Disclaimer: there is no guarantee that I'll actually produce any content worthy of adding to the story -- I only promise to TRY. I'm not one of those blessed people who can just take any prompt and run with it.

Thank you so much for reading!

~Continue to Chapter 27~

"Singularity" Chapter 25: "Black Hawk Down" [25/49]

2022-01-12T13:43:37Z

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 25: "Black Hawk Down" [25/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 11,013
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Notes: Chapter title from the 2001 movie, the 1999 book, or the actual 1993 battle of Mogadishu (the Black Hawk Down incident) -- take your pick.

~

Ellie did miss being with Paul and Karma... but at the same time, she was glad to get back to it just being Joel and her. Not even so they could kiss and stuff (although that was nice, too, of course)... it just felt a little weird to her, to have their attentions divided from each other. It hadn't even been that long since they'd left Monterey, and she'd gotten completely used to it being the two of them against the world again. They were so close to home now, though, that she was going to have to get un-used to it very soon.

Overall, it had been such an easy trip compared to the trip to California. Yes, Joel had gotten hurt, but he hadn't landed on death's doorstep this time. They'd had less food, and had to deal with snow and roadblocks and all that, but that stuff fell more in the pain-in-the-ass category. They'd never gotten separated. Never even had a tough fight, really -- the worst of it was Joel falling off that cliffish thing, but the horror of that was extremely short-lived. Joel's extended bad mood afterward, on the other hand...

Still not that bad of a thing to have to deal with. They'd barely had to deal with any other people at all. No hunters... no soldiers...

Until now, at least.

Joel must have stopped listening for helicopters -- or his gut had fallen mysteriously silent on the matter -- because this time, they both heard it at the same time.

He turned sharply off the road and into the nearest trees very quickly, with so little warning to Fox that Ellie thought the lead rope might snap. She hadn't seen the helicopter, even though she'd been searching the sky for it for those whole... oh, five to ten terrifying seconds before they reached decent cover.

"Our luck had to run out sooner or later"... Joel's voice echoing ominously in her head sent a shiver down her spine.

Fuck that! It would be later, Ellie decided -- the fucking thing hadn't spotted them!

Joel didn't seem so sure about that. He cursed the lack of denser vegetation near the highway, and berated himself for getting "so careless." Ellie kindly pointed out that it wasn't like an extra few seconds' notice would've helped much... plus, the jeep was noisy as fuck, making it hard to hear shit. The mud they'd caked on the hood paint the other day was still there, so they were being careful... and besides, who knew anyone would still be looking for them over a month later? In fact, maybe no one was actually looking for them -- maybe the helicopter had nothing to do with them at all!

She could see her comforting words were falling on deaf ears, though, so she shut the hell up before Joel had to actually tell her to. Yeah... I knew it was bullshit when Joel first said it to ME... and that was before they'd found out that some soldiers had tried to talk to Paul and Karma.

They waited for the helicopter to pass.

...And kept waiting.

"It's gettin' lower," Joel observed -- based on the source of the noise, since they didn't dare move now to look for it.

"Fuck -- what does that mean? They're landing?!"

"Or takin' a closer look. But... my money's on landing, yes. They prob'ly saw us come in here... and they don't see us movin' no more so they know we stopped under cover. Sounds like they're pretty close."

"Fuck fuck fuck -- okay, but they can't land right here. Right? All the evergreens?"

"Not right on top of us, no. But there's farmland on the other side of the highway. Room enough to land."

"Oh man... what do we do? Drive farther in?" Or... do we finally have to abandon our jeep?

"Gimme a minute."

Ellie was practically bouncing in her seat, anxious to do something other than sit there and wait to get caught. But she trusted Joel to need less than his requested minute to figure out what they should do, if she just let him think. In the meantime, she could make herself useful and think as well: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO? It sucks that after all this time, and being careful with the mud and everything, they still-- okay, not helpful. THINK, Ellie... so... I THINK we're fucked. Ugh! Okay, no -- we can take them. Once they get out of that thing--

"We leave the jeep here," said Joel. "And the horse. Start suitin' up. Take the bow." He was already strapping his gear on.

Ellie hastily fastened her holster belt, and her backpack was right there at her feet. She retrieved the bow and quiver from the back of the jeep.

"We're gonna go towards 'em," Joel continued. "That way." He indicated the direction of the whirring noise. "Not past the tree line -- not even close to it. We have the advantage while we're in here an' they're out there."

But... wait! "Joel -- it's going away! Going higher, I mean! Did they change their minds?"

"Can't assume that. We know they got real low -- they might be sendin' in a scout. Let's move -- you ready?" She gave him a nod. "Good -- you got the binoculars -- see if you can see 'em. But keep movin' -- stay close."

It was hard to move quickly while looking through the binoculars, but when Joel took her hand, she didn't really have to watch where she was going, which helped. They didn't normally travel hand in hand when there was danger afoot, but this felt like a good time to do it. "Fuck! There they are!" She yanked Joel to a stop. "Not close -- they're in that field on the other side of the road. There's four. Four!" So much for sending in 'a' scout.

Joel grabbed the binoculars and looked for himself. "Good. That's good."

"It is?!" Sure, they'd handled more than that before, but--

"Wish we'd gotten a look at the chopper... can't risk that now. They're headin'... pretty much back where we came from, prob'ly 'cause they saw us go there. They'll find Fox an' the jeep an' think we're close by, over that way. Come on..."

Ellie followed him away from the soldiers and somewhat back towards the jeep -- not really towards it so much as... not farther away from it? Based on the volume and source of the noise, the helicopter didn't seem to be moving much now. Ellie still didn't really know what Joel's plan was. He picked FIGHT over FLIGHT, so... "Okay, dumb question: you do want to kill them, right?"

"Right. The helicopter might be armed -- best not to kill 'em until they're in here with us. Preferably all at once, so they can't radio for help."

"A nail bomb," Ellie surmised.

"Yes. Maybe two. They're prob'ly gonna split up soon, so best do it quick... an' that fourth guy is laggin' a lil' behind. Maybe on purpose. You'll prob'ly need to arrow him. I'll shoot anyone else who escapes the bomb. Sound good?"

"Got it."

"Might be tricky with all the trees... we can't get close enough to find the perfect spot an' just roll 'em out there. You got one in your bag too, yeah?"

"Yeah--"

"All right -- over here!" Joel led her to a good look-out spot: the trees were close enough together to hide both of them while providing several slivers of space just big enough for her to look through.

Joel's not even trying to look... he can probably HEAR exactly where they are now! Ellie so envied him that ability. She could do it to some extent, but not from this far away. (Joel said it was a matter of focus, but that was bullshit -- she could be focused as fuck yet still need to use her eyes sometimes.) "Wish this hole was just a liiiiiittle wider," she remarked quietly. "I can almost set up right here... ...this isn't so bad, though, over here... Joel, if I get a good shot -- a good angle -- before you bomb them... ?"

"Take it," he answered. "He's in the back -- they prob'ly won't even notice. I'm gonna see if I can... ...shit... goddamn trees..."

Ellie saw that he was indeed looking to 'just roll one out there.' "Here -- let me do it--"

"No, they're too--"

"I can do it -- I'm smaller. We don't have time to argue!" He KNOWS I'm better at not getting noticed--

"Don't go far." He handed it to her with no further protest.

She could see approximately where Joel would want to position the bomb. The soldiers were probably only ten seconds away from entering the little grove... fuck a duck -- okay -- go low... looowwwww... ...low but FAR...

She tossed it.

SHIT!

She had managed to avoid the trees, trajectory-wise, except the fucking thing had hit a root or something on the ground and skittered off at a right angle -- and not close enough that she could go retrieve it without risking being spotted. They were out of time!

"I fucked that up," Ellie informed Joel as she hurried back to his side. (...in case he couldn't see that for himself?!)

"Back to Plan A, then -- chuckin' one directly at 'em, if we can get 'em to move to a better spot--" Joel already had the decoy rock in his hand. He was able to launch it a fair distance to their right, slightly behind them, without a fucking tree knocking it down prematurely.

Not that it mattered; the helicopter hovering overhead was too loud! It was closer now than it had ever been.

And yet... the men filtering in through the trees motioned to each other, and they did start heading in that direction. Ellie looked at Joel, perplexed.

"I reckon one of 'em caught the movement," he answered the question her expression must have silently asked. "A flash between the trees."

"Hey! Whoever's back there -- it's all right -- we just wanna talk! That's it!"

The soldier's lying voice was loud enough -- close enough -- to be heard over the din. Maybe the assholes had only intended to talk when it was Paul and Karma they were approaching, but... now that they know it's us... or they ASSUME it's us... Motherfuckers -- Joel doesn't believe you, either. He's never been stupid enough to trust you! Unlike herself. Well, I learned my lesson--

"Change of plans," Joel said quietly. He was holding a nail bomb now. "They ain't close enough together. We're gonna fall back right after I throw this... see if we can get the survivors to come this way an' trigger yours." He waited for her to acknowledge this, then waited for someone to move into his invisible crosshairs... but he couldn't wait long. "Shit, they're startin' to disperse -- stay behind cover, all right?"

Ellie couldn't see the results of Joel's throw -- and neither could he, for that matter -- but she could tell he wasn't completely satisfied.

"Go!" he urged her.

They didn't go very far at all before he stopped her. Like, not even five trees back -- and the trees weren't close enough to each other for them to hide together.

"Here?" Ellie looked at him.

Joel nodded. "Don't move." He was only a few feet away from her... but it seemed farther, somehow. He fired a shot... in the soldiers' direction, but he hadn't stepped out enough to aim properly. In fact, Ellie couldn't be sure he'd even looked at his target. But he was obviously just trying to draw the men -- whoever was left -- to their former cover spot, from the other side... where they'll be greeted by a fucking BOOM!

Because the dipshits never fucking noticed the ones on the ground. Never.

"You're outnumbered! If you surrender now, we won't have to hurt--"

And there it was-- the boom! Blowing up his fucking lie!

"Is that all of them?" Ellie asked hopefully. She wanted to peer around her tree, but the look Joel shot her kept her in place as firmly as if he'd put a hand on her shoulder (which she was sure he would have done, had he been able to without risking his arm getting shot off).

"One left."

Joel hadn't looked either, and Ellie wasn't sure how his ears alone could determine that, but she believed him.

"Fuck! Listen, man... that's messed up, right there... all we want... -We're just TALKING here. Just talking."

Ellie gave Joel a "is this guy for real?!" look... which he didn't bother to acknowledge, other than his mouth twitching a smidge. Dude even SOUNDS scared... doesn't he know you have to fake it? Must be the fourth guy, the one in the rear. He's a total chickenshit!

"He took cover, didn't he," Ellie asked quietly.

Joel nodded. "Get ready. I think he saw me, but if he didn't see you... -I'll draw his attention over... there. That way. You arrow him -- but wait 'til he stops firin' first."

Because the soldier was hollering about surrendering and making a deal or some shit, Ellie mostly had to lip-read that instruction. When it registered that Joel intended to leave the safety of his tree to move to another, Ellie reached for him -- she couldn't help it! "Joel, no -- don't--"

The barrage of bullets that came flying their way was as loud as the fucking helicopter! Joel grabbed her and tugged her the rest of the way over -- probably since her momentum was already carrying her towards him -- but the tree wasn't fat enough to cover them both unless they lined up behind it. He sort of... pushed her behind him.

"Sorry!" she said before he could "Ellie" her. She would rather be in front of him, since he was facing away from her -- towards the soldier. The fact that Joel didn't want her there made her question the ability of the tree to protect them. ...At least the bullets stopped? Bullets that might have hit him if she hadn't stopped him from moving; the soldier obviously knew exactly where they were.

"Surrender before the boys from the chopper get here, or... or you're not gonna like your fate!"

Despite nearly getting her arm -- or worse -- blown off by machine gun fire moments earlier, Ellie now had to fight the inexplicable urge to laugh. She clapped a hand over her mouth to try to stifle the threat. The guy wasn't even funny, it was just... he was so...

And when Joel muttered something that sounded like "what the hell is wrong with you?", the urge only intensified!

The helicopter noise was getting louder again now... and lower. Like it was joining them on the ground, albeit beyond the tree line. She wondered if this guy or one of the dead ones had radioed it for help, or if the initial plan had been for them to follow after a certain interval... at any rate, she sobered quickly. How many more of them ARE there?!

Joel was probably wondering the same thing. He twisted around and instructed her to get down while he knelt and rummaged through his backpack, careful to stay behind the gnarly old tree that had possibly just taken a handful of bullets for them. When he stood up again, she could see what he'd retrieved... a smoke bomb? Ellie only used those if she was down to like... nothing. In fact, she wasn't sure she even remembered how to make one. But -- like shivs -- Joel seemed to be bizarrely fond of them. He leaned out enough to lob the bomb toward the soldier, immediately pulling back to avoid the new flock of shots whizzing by.

They had a decent sense of where the dude was, thanks to all the noise he was making, and that general area must have been enough of a target for Joel's bomb to work, because the soldier was now loosing curses instead of bullets. Joel motioned for her to follow him but to stay low -- just in case -- before heading into the smoke.

That was another thing Ellie didn't much care for about smoke bombs: they made smoke! How Joel could duck in there and choke people without choking on it himself was a mystery to her. Like, he never even so much as coughed. It was another skill of his that she coveted. She watched the smoke billowing out in impressive plumes... and wondered why people didn't just fire blindly through the smoke. That's what she would do, if she knew the general direction to aim and didn't have to worry about hitting an ally!

Joel was in and out of there so fast that he couldn't possibly have strangled the man. He probably just broke his neck... maybe shattered his skull with his boot... MORE shit I wish I could--

He grabbed her arm. "You all right?"

She blinked. "Me? Yeah..."

"We can't make it back to the jeep. This way --"

Away from the jeep... but also from the helicopter. Ellie suddenly realized it wasn't making noise anymore. Shit! They're coming! She stumbled after Joel--

"This is good, right here." He tugged her to a stop behind another cluster of trees, way sooner than she'd expected him to.

"We're still pretty close," Ellie pointed out. "Can't we go a little farther?"

"We don't wanna go farther. Looks like there's only two... for now. They're gonna head towards the smoke..."

"And then prob'ly split up to look for us," Ellie finished the thought. "They didn't see us? How did you even see them?"

"Just caught a glimpse. Ssshh, they're comin'..."

Ellie squatted behind a bush where she could kind of peek through the leaves and see. Like, not really see, but a bit more than if her face was pressed up to tree bark instead. Joel was crouching with her, mostly behind the tree but with his hand resting on her back. Or, her backpack, to be exact. This is much better than that last spot. Just like the good old days... one of her earliest memories of Joel -- really one of the first good ones -- was of the two of them being in a position like this. Where it felt like Joel had been assuming a protective stance. He had just been doing his job, of course, but... it had almost felt like he cared. And she remembered feeling slightly less scared at the time, when she was thinking that. She glanced at Joel now, wondering if he was remembering... nope -- he's listening. Hard. She'd have to ask him later.

I've learned sooooooo much since then! She was so much better at protecting herself now. The fear was still there... and actually, in some ways, it was worse -- because she fucking loved him so much. Plus, now she knew he wouldn't let anything happen to her, which meant that he was more likely to be the one to get hurt. And it's his TURN! Just like her, last time... first her burned hand, which had sucked, but wasn't a huge deal in the end -- rather like Joel's ankle. And then... Sacramento... Fuck! Nothing seriously bad has happened on this trip yet--

"Joel--"

But he shushed her... like he knew somehow that she wasn't going to say anything that needed saying right now, and she could tell he was annoyed.

Rightfully so; now wasn't the time to be making those comparisons. The soldiers had split up, and one was headed their way. If she were to draw the guy's attention with her stupid chatter... What's that called again... a self-fulfilling prophecy?

But the soldier veered to his left before he got close enough to force them into action. Ellie could no longer see him through the foliage. Joel inched away from her; she would bet he was preparing to sneak up behind the guy. He just had to wait until he was sure the man wouldn't catch sight of him in his peripheral vision. She nudged Joel to get his attention, tugged at the bow slung over her shoulder, and whispered (so low that she practically just mouthed it) "I'll get the other one." Joel answered that with a frown, but since he voiced no actual objection, she started to move in the opposite direction.

Now... where IS the other one?

The smoke had somewhat dissipated by then... at least enough that she could make out hazy shapes through it (and no, she did not want to feel the pang of nostalgia for California fog right now -- she quashed that). The dude would be searching somewhere on the other side of it, so she would need to move.

From tree to tree she darted, softly and swiftly, keeping an eye in Joel's direction only until Joel had moved close enough to his target that she knew the guy was as good as dead. She also looked out to where the helicopter must have landed -- she still couldn't see it, nor could she afford to take a good long searching look -- and didn't see any other men. But that doesn't mean there AREN'T any more... I'll wait for Joel's gut to have the final say on that.

She moved into the dregs of the smoke, which irritated her eyes and scratched at her throat, but she somehow managed not to cough. Seriously, how does Joel DO it?! Does he have to be so fucking good at everything? Visibility was much improved by this time, however, and she spotted her soldier, marching off in the general direction of the jeep. Now she could afford to ditch moving from cover to cover and pick up the pace, as long as she stayed mindful of her target's movements. Eyes on the prize... cuz the prize could decide to turn around at random... or because he HEARS me...

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Joel moving up in tandem with her... silently, carefully, using cover... but if the guy turned his head a little, he might catch the movement, whereas he'd have to turn completely around to notice Ellie. She waved her arms enough to draw Joel's attention. "I got this!" she mouthed, annoyed.

Much to her satisfaction, Joel started moving toward her instead of the soldier. Toward her, but also kind of behind her. I just need to get a tiny bit closer... she had to allow for at least a couple seconds to nock and aim the arrow.

"You wanna do this the hard way, huh?"

Ellie wondered if all soldiers were required to memorize a handbook of stupid things to say, because they all seemed to spew the same inane crap.

Click!

...That would be Joel cocking the rifle.

She turned and glared at him. "He's mine!" she hissed; they weren't right on the guy's ass -- or even anywhere near his ass -- and he apparently hadn't heard the rifle, so she figured they could afford a wee bit of conversation.

"Pretty sure he's the last one," Joel whispered back. "No need for--"

"He's still mine," she insisted.

"All right... look, he changed course a little. You go up that way an' I'll cover--"

"For the last time -- he's mine." With her annoyance mounting, she moved forward briskly. Enough dicking around, Ellie -- you're close enough to hit him -- just do it!

The soldier actually stopped dead in his tracks. -Well, ALMOST dead? Ha-- She was ready now, her arrow set and her arm drawn back. He started to turn in their direction, like maybe he'd heard something--

Her arrow zinged through the air -- and so did Joel's bullet. The soldier crumpled to the ground.

She whirled around accusingly. "What the fuck, Joel!"

"He started to turn--"

"I know! I saw that!"

"--around... looked like he was ready to start sprayin' bullets when--"

"I know! Argh!"

He was smiling now. "Aww, don't be mad. Come--"

"No -- I'm gonna go see which one of us killed him!" Since Joel felt like that soldier was the last of them, Ellie abandoned all attempts at stealth and just sprinted toward the body. Which was... actually not a corpse. Not yet. With an arrow in his upper back and a bullet wound in his side, he was shuddering, sputtering... blood spilling out of his mouth and pooling around his face... more blood oozing out of his side and soaking his clothes. Ellie's stomach churned. It's so easy to forget sometimes that they're actually PEOPLE...

She had heard Joel walking up beside her... heard him tell her she didn't have to watch... yet she still jumped a little when she heard the shot.

"I was gonna do that," she said... not really complaining, though. It didn't matter who finished him off.

"I know."

Of course he did. That's why he'd done it himself. She didn't ask if he would've done it anyway, without her there; she suspected he wouldn't have bothered. The guy might've only been a few minutes away from death as it was, but Joel had told her that people can take their sweet time dying... bleeding out over the course of a few agonizing hours. She had seen him do mercy kills before.

"So... we both got him," Joel observed. "Yours counted more. I only grazed him."

Ellie snorted at the bald-faced lie. "Whatever, Joel." Maybe he thought she was upset with him for firing. Like he'd taken something from her by not just sitting back and letting her do it. She'd been annoyed for a second, but she understood why Joel felt like he couldn't wait. The guy had been turning around... he might have fired while she was aiming. We really do have the weirdest conversations -- and competitions -- sometimes. "Obviously, there aren't any more soldiers around -- should we go check out the helicopter?"

"In a minute." He was kneeling beside the body.

Oh -- right. Gotta loot. "I'll meet you over there?"

"No -- just hang on a second, will you? Or... go check the other guys." He was examining the guy's pistol, turning it over in his hands.

"Wait -- you're taking that? You said we have enough guns, that we can't keep--"

"We're almost home now," he cut her off to explain. Which... didn't really explain anything. "This is a real nice Ruger. Looks brand new. Guess the flyboys don't carry the big guns like the others."

"Flyboys?"

"The pilots would be the last to come lookin' for us," he said, tucking the gun in... well, somewhere, because he didn't have any empty holster spots. "You wanna check the one I did over that way and I'll make the rounds of the others... prob'ly not much there to salvage." That was one drawback of using explosives.

"Do you think any of them were Caleb?" Ellie wondered out loud.

"No. Unless he left Monterey, or... they moved operations elsewhere."

"The helicopter came from the west, though..."

"Northwest. We're too far away now for it to be--"

"Unless it fueled up somewhere along the way, right? That's what you said."

"Also said it ain't like there's helicopter fuel stations all over the place. Let's get a move on -- they might've called for backup before they came in here."

When she and Joel were done picking over the corpses, they headed across the highway and into the field toward the helicopter. "Does it... look like a military helicopter to you?" she asked dubiously, because the closer they got--

"Oh yeah. It's a Black Hawk."

Ellie squinted at it. "Are you sure? Cuz it's not black."

Joel chuckled. "It don't have to be. And yes, I'm sure -- I've seen enough of 'em in movies. You prob'ly have, too. The hot pink is... unusual, though, I'll give you that."

"Okay, yeah... like, there weren't even any girls on board. All dudes."

"And... what, dudes can't like pink? It's hot pink, not that... lighter kind."

Ellie gave him a look. "I don't know what you have against pastels. You don't even like light yellow."

"Says who?"

"Says you -- you gave me that shirt!"

"...What, that one you like to sleep in?"

"Yes!" Duh!

"It ain't the color -- it didn't fit right. Looks better on you."

Ellie smirked. "Doesn't everything?" Not that she believed it, but she knew Joel did.

"Yes ma'am."

And Joel liked it when she acted... confident, or something. More like CONCEITED! She almost tried to stop him so she could steal a kiss... but figured she was better off waiting until they were inside the helicopter, where she could no doubt score a better one. "No, actually that shirt fit you better than it fits me. I just like it more."

"Looks better on you," Joel insisted. "Anyhow, maybe they just never bothered to paint over the pink that's been there since... whenever."

True, the paint job didn't exactly look recent; it looked kind of like every car they'd ever seen. Even the jeep. Nothing was shiny and new anywhere, it seemed. It was only the lettering and a couple of big fat stripes that were pink. The rest of it was actually a very dark green, not black... but she supposed it was close enough. Green Hawk doesn't sound as bad-ass or whatever as Black, I guess?

She glanced at Joel. "Your people radar's not going off, is it?"

"Nope."

"Good." She started to jog the rest of the way.

"Still, be careful!" he called after her. "I could be wrong--"

"Whatever!" she tossed back at him -- because he was never wrong. Not about that. She just knew there was no one there... because her own sixth sense was getting sharper, or because she trusted Joel's so much?

She climbed into the belly of the thing, since the doors were open, with only a cursory glance around for occupants. "All clear!" she called to Joel, who was not right behind her, surprisingly. She turned and watched him walking... rather leisurely toward her. Compared to her speed, anyway. "See? You knew that already. Unless... is your ankle bugging you? Shit -- I'm sorry, I should've--"

"It's fine," he waved off her apology. "The old man just didn't feel like runnin', is all."

"You're not old," she replied (it was automatic by now). She crossed her arms over her chest and stared down at him. Is he lying about his foot? We really haven't been running lately, 'til now... maybe it's hurting cuz we were moving fast earlier... he's not limping, though... and I guess he was walking fast...ish?

"What, you don't believe me?" Joel seemed amused, at least, rather than annoyed.

"I dunno... maybe I should make you go back and run to prove it." But she extended her hand to help him up (and he actually took it!), then tugged him in close for a little kiss. "Before you say it -- 'we CAN'T, Ellie.' "

Joel chuckled. "Can't what? Do this?" He encircled her waist and kissed her deeply -- but only for about three seconds. "Nope, we sure can't."

The three seconds had been enough to make her head spin a little (or maybe the adrenaline helped with that?). She giggled. "Ever had sex in a helicopter before?"

"Can't say that I have. That ain't gonna change now, either," he warned her -- as if she didn't already know. "Have you even been in a helicopter before?"

...Ugh. "No," she lied. She had never told him the lengths she'd gone to in order to find medical supplies for him; he had some idea, naturally, but... well, he didn't need to know everything. She knew he felt guilty enough about getting hurt as it was. Like everything that happened afterward was his fault. But of course, Joel will be able to TELL I lied here, so maybe I should just--

"I'm sure we ain't missin' much. Nothin's more comfortable than a bed, when it comes to... that sort of thing." He kissed her forehead before letting go of her. "Anything good in here?"

Huh. I must be getting better at lying! Or maybe Joel just didn't care to question it. But... just because he was good at reading people didn't mean he was some all-knowing being who could read minds and shit. If that were true, they would never have any misunderstandings or miscommunications, and he would never have to ask her what was bothering her.

"Aha," he was saying now as he rifled through a duffel bag. "Found somethin' you'll like."

"Just me?"

He stood up and showed her what was in his hands.

"Protein bars!" she cried. "Hey, you like them, too."

"Not really. But they're better than starvin'." He tossed her one.

She read the label. "Peanut butter! Yum!"

"I know you've been missin' that fake crap. These prob'ly have a little of the real deal in it, at least."

"Hey, that so-called fake crap came from Jackson!" she just remembered. She'd never had it there, though; Sophie had introduced her to it on the road. "We can get some!"

"You can get some. I'll pass."

Now I'm hungry! Ellie ripped open the wrapper and took a big bite of the bar. "Mmmmm!"

Joel was unwrapping one, too, she was pleased to note. "Only 'cause I'm hungry and it's convenient," he told her (--she must have looked too happy or something).

"You know... it's okay to like stuff, Joel," she said between bites. "You don't have to hate everything."

"I don't hate everything," he grumbled. "I like you, don't I?"

Ha! "Eh... most of the time, maybe."

"Keep lookin' while you eat that. I'm gonna check up front."

They found some first aid kits, water, more food, ammo... quite a decent haul. Lugging the water back to the jeep wouldn't be fun (the soldiers had brought a gallon per man, and Joel wanted to take all of it), but the rest of it should fit in their backpacks -- and Joel just went ahead and took that duffel bag. They made a neat little pile of stuff on the ground.

"You ready to go, kiddo?" Joel called to her from below as she lingered in the cockpit.

"Yeah... can't we just fly this thing for a while? Fox would totally fit if we--"

"No," Joel shot that down immediately. Because of course he did.

"Why not? We don't have to take it all the way to Jackson. Just like the jeep, we could leave it somewhere outside of town and come in like normal!"

Joel hopped back up there and came up behind her. "Who's gonna fly this thing? You?"

Ellie laughed heartily at that. "Fuck no! You, of course!"

"Uh-huh. And what makes you think I know how to fly it?" He gestured to all the various controls. "You see all this? You think that's easy?"

There were a lot of switches... buttons... screens... knobs... "Um... there's probably a user manual in here somewhere?"

Now it was Joel's turn to laugh. "Sure. I'll just flip through the manual real quick an' we'll be good to go."

"I'm serious! Maybe you've never done it before, sure, but you're a smart guy and you're good at driving cars and stuff. You'd figure it out." She looked at him hopefully. "Please, Joel? Wouldn't it be fun?"

"Don't you dare turn those eyes on me," he growl-chuckled (a sound unique to Joel, Ellie was pretty sure).

"I'm just asking," she said, all innocence. She 'innocently' put her arms around his neck and kissed him, too, while she was at it. "You don't want to lug this shit all the way back to the jeep, do you? You know you're gonna end up carrying twice as much as me. More than twice as much."

He calmly removed her arms and took a step back. "It ain't that much. But if you're really all that aggravated, we can leave it all here an' drive back for it. The jeep can handle this field, easy."

"Okay so it's not that much stuff, you're right -- but think about it! When are we ever gonna get the chance to fly a fucking helicopter ever again?!"

"Maybe never. That still don't mean I'll magically be able to fly it. You know how many hundreds of hours of training it takes to get a pilot's license?"

"How many?"

"...I don' know, but it's a lot."

"Well, you don't have to get a license. No one cares -- it's not like you're gonna get in trouble."

"Psh. You know why it takes so many hours?"

"Um... cuz it's hard?"

"Because it's dangerous as hell. And it's hard, yes. The only way I'd even attempt it is if our lives were in danger an' we had no other choice. Are our lives in danger at the moment?"

"Okay, I get it." When he did that question-after-question thing, she knew he was in full-on lecture mode and it was a lost cause.

"All right then. Now kindly go mind our pile out there while I figure out how to disable this thing."

Oh... right... that made sense. We don't want MORE assholes following us! "Should we just... blow it up?"

"Maybe we could if they left us some powerful explosives, but they didn't. Pretty sure I disabled the transponder... the radio... but that just buys us time. We need to damage the hydraulic system or somethin' along those lines."

He had been messing around in the cockpit earlier. "So we... shoot a hole in the fuel line? Fuck up the motors on the propellers?"

"Thing is, these army helicopters are gonna be resistant to shit like that. Shootin' up the controls is prob'ly the easiest way to put this thing out of commission for a while. ...You ain't gonna get all sentimental on me now, are you? Like you did with the jeep?"

Ellie snorted. "No, no... I know you're right. It's like... our enemy. It's the Wicked Witch of the West! No redeeming qualities."

"That's right. We took all we could from it. ...If I really wanted to go for it, I suppose I could try to fly it just high enough to parachute down an' let it crash," Joel mused. "Then I could arrange the bodies to make it look like the crash killed 'em."

That sounded like a decent plan to Ellie. "But... you don't wanna do that." She could tell by the way he said it.

"Nah. I didn't see a black box in there, but maybe I don' know where to look... if there is one, they'd know it was staged. Either way, they might already have audio of them spottin' us an' all. Let's just get the hell outta here before more of 'em show up."

MORE of them? "How many fucking helicopters do you think they have?" If Monterey only had one...

"Hopefully just this one. But they're gonna send more men out here one way or another when they don't hear from these bastards."

She knew he was right. "We could be home by then, right? If they don't send another helicopter?"

"I hope so. We can hide in plain sight there. Now go on." He gave her a little push and swatted her butt. "I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay," Ellie agreed reluctantly. "Be careful. Don't like... let any bullets ricochet on you. Stay really far back."

Joel chuckled. "I'm glad the ricochet thing is stickin' with you, at least."

She hopped down and busied herself with moving the salvaged items farther away from the helicopter, in case Joel did find a way to blow it up (although if he did, she'd be more worried about him than all that shit!). I hear more banging and smashing than gunfiring...

Indeed, Joel only fired a couple times (for good measure?) at the end, and from outside the cockpit -- he exited from there instead of where they'd entered on the side. "They might be able to repair it, but it won't be easy," he told her as he started loading up.

Ellie could see no evidence of this from the outside, but she trusted that he knew what he was doing. "Good. I hope they fix it eventually," she decided.

He arched his eyebrows at her. "Yeah?"

"I mean... if it's putting out forest fires and stuff, or at least calling them in..."

"So much for no redeeming qualities."

"Yeah, I forgot about that one. But all our enemies prob'ly have some redeeming qualities, right? Even if they're just teensy tiny ones?"

"I wouldn't say all of 'em..."

Even that motherfucker David wasn't ALL bad -- he helped me with the Infected! True, that was mostly to save his own ass... and she helped him as well... the fact that he'd been 'nice' by wanting to let her live when the other guys didn't -- that didn't really count, because he changed his tune soon enough when it sunk in that she wasn't going to just... ditch Joel and join their group, or whatever the fuck he expected.

To Ellie's surprise, her brain wasn't screaming at her right now to stop thinking about the dead asshole. Am I finally OVER it? Like, for real?

...What about Shelby... he wasn't all bad, either. I was a dick to him FIRST, and he reacted. Caleb was probably right -- I didn't have to kill him--

NO.

Nope. She still didn't want to think about Shelby. That's enough of that!

Joel was moving quickly enough this time that she fell a few steps behind him; maybe his ankle was okay after all. As predicted, he was carrying more than twice the amount she was. Even though she was perfectly capable of handling more, and had tried to take more. He's so... so... UGH...

"Joel, wait -- I lied before," she blurted... for some fucking reason (what the fuck, Ellie?!). "About the helicopter."

"You did?" He didn't seem particularly concerned, but he paused so she could catch up to him. "So you do know how to fly it."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course not. But... I have been in one before. I don't know why I said no, when you asked."

He made some little noise, like a grunt of affirmation or something... and just kept walking. All... nonchalant-like.

"That's it? You're not mad?"

He chuckled. "Why would I be mad?"

"Cuz... I lied?"

He shot her a you're-so-cute look. "That was hardly a... hard-core betrayal."

"Well, don't you wanna know why?"

"...You jus' said you didn't know why."

"Yeah, but--"

"If you figure it out later an' wanna share, that's fine. We really need to get outta here before someone realizes there's somethin' wrong." He picked up the pace, as if just saying the words would make that happen.

"Won't it be a while before someone misses them? Or before anyone can get here, if they do..."

"We don' know that. They could have two helicopters buzzin' around, for all we know. Maybe they're supposed to check in on the radio every so often. Maybe there's a certain time they're supposed to be somewhere. They could've radio'd back to... whoever, about spottin' us... goin' after us."

"Fuck... you think they did that?"

"Don' know, but it's definitely possible," he replied grimly. "Keep your eyes an' ears peeled."

They had nearly reached the end of their 'yellow brick road'... and it was time to ditch the jeep anyway. Ellie hated to agree with Joel on this one, but even without the helicopter scare factored in, there was still the fact that if they drove it all the way to Jackson, there would be too many questions. And even if they asked people to keep their mouths shut when talking to the military at the outpost, an innocent slip could happen. Or a not-so-innocent one, if someone in town still had a grudge against them. It's really not practical to keep killing soldiers -- especially not if we expect to stay in one place!

Joel did seem to like the idea of not letting the jeep fall to ruin like every other dead car they'd encountered, though. He said they could make it a weekly habit, to go for a 'Sunday drive.' Not far enough to be extravagant or wasteful -- just enough to... how did he put it... it sounded dirty... something like "keep things lubed up"? And they now had three gas containers... gas might eventually be a problem, if they managed to deplete their whole supply. Joel wasn't sure how quickly it would evaporate out of the cans. Although it would look a little suspicious if they went around siphoning gas from cars Inside, they might have to eventually. We'd have to do it in the dead of night! But Joel made sure the jeep's tank plus all three canisters were pretty full and said they'd be set for a while on that if they were only taking little 'joyrides'. Assuming no one stole them, of course. Or stole the jeep-- but without the keys, the thief would have to hotwire it, and Joel seemed to think that was unlikely.

They had debated gifting it to Paul, but Joel didn't think the other man would have taken it. Not only would Paul not want to deprive Joel and Ellie of its use, but he clearly didn't want to draw any military attention to himself... and even though they hadn't disclosed the whole story, they had confirmed Paul's suspicions that their acquisition of the jeep had been... unsavory, to say the least. Ellie liked to tease Joel about his man crush (even their fucking names sounded similar -- how cute was that?!), but it was truly heartwarming to see him make a real friend. Like... the two of them had sat around the fire each night bonding and stuff, after the girls went to bed.

Ellie had spied on them the third night, after Karma fell asleep, but had quickly lost interest. They weren't speaking loudly enough that she could hear them over the crackling of the fire and the night sounds (and she didn't dare move any closer, lest she risk Joel detecting her presence). Not only that, but she could tell they weren't speaking at all, for ages -- like, maybe a couple minutes at a time. That was boring enough to practically make her fall asleep standing up!

Anyway, she and Joel agreed that leaving the jeep out near the road somewhere wasn't a good idea, given its unique appearance. The white lettering on the hood would be highly visible from above once the rains washed away its current coat of dried mud, and if it was spotted so close to Jackson, maybe the army would come into town and ask questions (Joel was concerned about that regardless, thanks to the fucking helicopter encounter). It did need to be close enough to Jackson that they could get to it on foot in a timely manner, feasible for taking it out on Sundays. Joel predicted that eventually they would either forget about that or get tired of it, but Ellie promised she wouldn't let either of those things happen. After all, they might want to go back to Golden Sands before the winter! And having a reliable vehicle -- one that could off road, even -- had made the return trip soooo much easier. However, it would eventually need maintenance to keep running smoothly, so Joel had also warned her not to get her hopes up about using it for a return trip to the beach (too late!).

Shortly after they'd gotten back on the road again, Joel had declared it was time to go 'house shopping.' The jeep's new home needed to be on a residential street well off the highway, and have an empty garage with a functional door.

"Are we really that close to Jackson already?" Ellie marveled.

"Look at the map, Miss Navigator."

"Pfff. The map doesn't tell me exactly where we are right now. And it's not like I've been... doing any actual navigating. Unless you count holding the fucking thing." Which she wasn't even doing now, because they'd stopped needing it after turning onto the final highway.

"I don' know why you never liked it. You know how to read it--"

"I don't have the patience for that!"

Joel chuckled. "Patience ain't your strong suit, granted, but I don't see how this is related. Ain't like you were around back in the day, when people started lettin' technology tell 'em where to go, instead of maps -- that was a big adjustment for some folks, havin' to use their own brains instead of a computer's. But to answer your question, we're within a few miles now, yes. We need to get off the road. Let's check out this street here..."

If they really were only a few miles away from Jackson, the scavengers would've picked these houses clean by now. Joel said it seemed unlikely anyone from town would find the jeep and wonder how it came to be in a garage so far away from any military operation -- and, again, possibly tattle to one of the town's military contacts (or to someone else who would), perhaps triggering an investigation that included a search of the town. Ellie thought that seemed a bit far-fetched... even paranoid... but the man had survived for the past twenty-plus years listening to his gut, hadn't he? As for passers-through... well, if they did happen to find it, he said they could just wonder.

Their chosen house -- the first one they scouted that actually met all of Joel's requirements -- wasn't one of the first few on the block (in fact, they didn't even bother checking the first few on the block). It was on a street that wound around "un-invitingly," as Joel put it. The detached garage even had a way to lock it from the outside -- if only they knew the combination to the useless combo lock they'd found in the jeep! But, they didn't, so... Joel said maybe they could bring one from home some time. And he actually jotted down the address, including the street to turn onto from the highway, "just in case." Never mind that they were both excellent at remembering locations. At least my mileage tracker notebook is making itself useful again! Even though no one else would ever lay eyes on the thing, let alone look at all the numbers inside and try to figure out what was what, she offered to indulge his paranoia by coming up with a mnemonic device to write down instead of the actual address. Joel must have either thought she was joking or that the idea was ridiculous, because he just scoffed at it.

For some reason, he insisted on backing the jeep into the garage (maybe he wanted to show off his maneuvering skills one last time?). With its essential contents emptied and (mostly) loaded onto the horse, Ellie said goodbye to the jeep while he yanked the garage door closed. They'd left some stuff behind; they kind of had to, because lugging home all of the blankets Ellie had accumulated would have been too tedious! Some of their new items wouldn't be needed because Jackson already had enough of them -- like the shovel. They didn't have one at their house, but Joel knew where to get one if needed. Shit like that. And some of it just plain old wasn't needed anyway (like tear gas? ...maybe it would come in handy versus a shitload of Runners, but not in Jackson). They also left two of the gallon jugs of water and a couple of protein bars, for use by their future selves. But all in all, they were taking enough shit that they would need to walk these last few miles, because there literally wasn't room for them on the packed horse.

It wasn't until they were well down the road nearly back to the highway when a thought occurred to Ellie that she wished she'd had much earlier. What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I forget?! "Joel! We forgot something!" She stopped in her tracks to emphasize the importance of this.

"What's that?" He paused... and looked at her with a complete lack of concern anyway.

"We never had sex in the back seat!" she lamented. "It's all nice and empty now, too... it's not too late..."

Joel chuckled. "Yes it is -- it's way back there. Maybe we can do that next week, yeah?"

"It's not way back there. We just barely left it."

"No goin' backwards," he recited.

She laughed. "That applies to us, not like... life in general. What about all those times we had to backtrack in California?"

"Still. We had all these days -- and nights -- to do it, and it didn't happen."

"...So?"

"So... maybe it just wasn't meant to be," he said lightly. "C'mon, kiddo."

I'm lucky we had sex at all while we were Outside, really, she tried to console herself as they started off again.

She must have looked crestfallen or something, because Joel said, "I don't see what the big deal is, but if you really want to, we can find some random car in Ghost Town to do it in. It'd be safer, anyhow."

"Yeah right," she grumbled. That would be the place to do it, since it was the uninhabited part of town, but she was sure Joel would still deem it "too risky" -- it was just a different kind of danger than Outside. She sighed dramatically. "It's gonna be hard to pretend I don't wanna jump you all the time."

Joel snorted. "Even though you don't actually want to?"

That remark surprised her enough to make her stop walking again and just stare at him. "What do you mean? Of course I do! Do you still think... after all this time... I thought you knew that--"

"Relax," he cut in, and he stopped, too. Turned to look at her. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean?"

He shrugged. "Just... it ain't like that's all we do. All we are. Some days we don't even do it at all."

He started walking again, and Ellie hurried to fall in step beside him. "Not because of me, though. I don't mind doing it Outside -- that's your thing." She was convinced Joel would still manage to detect threats and kill people as needed, even when he was inside her!

"Even before we left. Some days we just weren't in the mood, is all. That's how it is."

"But that was mostly you. Not me. Cuz you're-- ...cuz of your age."

"Sure."

...Is that a sarcastic 'sure,' or legit agreement? "I love you, Joel," she assured him. "I always wanna be with you."

He glanced at her. "You're cute," he chuckled.

"What? Why?"

"You just are."

Ugh! But she decided it was one of the good 'you're cute's (as most of them tended to be). "I just want you to know. In case you forgot. I think that's why I... got all weird, before. About the little lie that didn't mean anything. I want you to trust me again." She bit her lip.

"I do trust you."

He sounded sincere. It's just... I dunno... "Not the same as before, you don't."

Joel sighed. "Ellie, this ain't a conversation we should be--"

"You don't! I knew it. Fuck... what do I have to do to--"

"I mean it -- we ain't talkin' about this now," he growled. And the no-nonsense glare he shot her underscored the sentiment. "I trust you, all right? C'mon -- let's cut through here. We should stay off the highway, now that we can. And stay alert."

Ellie knew it was no use trying to continue the conversation. Maybe she should just leave it alone... Joel's black-and-white, yes/no stance on the subject of trust was good enough, wasn't it? The more he thinks about it, the more the 'yes' will become a 'no,' right?

Sometimes I really wish I had a male brain, she sighed inwardly. One more good thing about finally reaching their destination: Joel wouldn't be able to use the need for Outside vigilance as an excuse to avoid difficult conversations.

* * * * * *

Returning to Jackson had felt like an abstract idea... like it wasn't real. Wasn't actually happening. It didn't really sink in that they'd made it until Ellie caught sight of the electric fence, which they just had to follow around until they met up with a gate. "Look, Toto! The Emerald City!" she exclaimed.

"Tch. I actually forgot we made me the dog."

"There's no place like home," she gushed excitedly.

"Now, Dorothy, I know we said it like that before, but the Emerald City ain't s'posed to be home," Joel teased. " 'Course, the place that started the whole thing wasn't home, either..."

"Yeah, fuck that -- we already changed the story! Besides, I don't have ruby shoes to tap together." She looked down at her shoes. "Unless the blood counts? It's... sort of ruby-colored?"

"We'll wash that out better now that we're home. Maybe just get you a new pair, if we can."

"That's right -- we can go shopping again!"

"One-stop shoppin'." Yes, he liked to call it that.

"Two stops, if we go to Sophie's closet."

Joel quirked an eyebrow at her. "I don't think she'll have anythin'... sensible, in there."

"Yeah, I guess not, huh. Plus, her feet are bigger than mine. Plus plus -- I bet the vultures picked through everything already. ...You think they did that with our house, too?"

"We didn't leave 'em much to pick over. Remember, we weren't even livin' there when we left. Our extra clothes an' shit are with Tommy an' Maria. Unless they gave 'em away."

"They wouldn't have done that -- we told them we were coming back!" Ellie cried.

"True. They'd prob'ly wait at least a year or so before givin' us up for dead," Joel said... jokingly? (she couldn't tell for sure!)

Ellie slugged his arm playfully. "Please. Like some little trip is gonna kill us."

Joel gave her a Look. "Need I remind you--"

"Nooooo," she groaned, "you need not. I know. But we made it! And it wasn't so bad, right?"

He just grunted.

It took them another few minutes of walking along the fence before it started tapering in toward the wall... and Ellie caught sight of the familiar guard towers. "Eeeeeeee this is it!" She grabbed Joel's arm. "Who do you think is on duty now?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Who cares -- come on!" She started to run to the gate, ignoring Joel's warnings to be careful. What the fuck EVER -- we're home! These are our people -- they're not gonna shoot us!

But she did slow down a bit at the final approach -- mostly because it was hard to wave her arms madly and still run at full speed. "Helloooooo! Hey! We're home!" she hollered to the towers -- where she could see some movement now, so she knew they were occupied, but she couldn't identify the guards. "It's Ellie -- and Joel! We're back! We're baaaaaack!"

"Hey, Ellie!"

She heard the clunking noise that always preceded the gates slowly swinging open -- so much more smoothly and easily than that bitch of a gate at Golden Sands! The sun was high overhead and the towers were shaded, so Ellie used her hand to shield her eyes and look at the guards. "Oh -- hi Gavin! Hi Val! How are you guys? What's new? Anything exciting happen over the winter? What did we miss? Are there any new people? Is everyone still--" --No, on second thought, she didn't really want to know yet if they'd lost anyone-- "So... what's going on? How's Shannon?" That was Gavin's wife. Val didn't have any family in town to ask about. Oh but she has-- "How's your ammi...groomy thing going?" (Fuck, that's not the right name, but it's close!) "Are you still making animals like-- oh! What about the sister farm? Does it have an actual name yet, or-- what about the farms here? How are they, I mean? Annie and Will and Esther? -The other farm people too, but especially them." She paused to catch her breath -- and perhaps to let them actually answer a question.

"Uh... everyone's good? I guess?" It was Val who answered, because Gavin was climbing down.

Joel had caught up to her now. "One thing at a time, kiddo," he chuckled. He nodded in greeting to Val (a gesture that never did strike Ellie as a very friendly hello, but it worked for Joel). "Tommy in town?"

"Oh yeah. He hasn't left since--" Val paused.

...Oh shit oh FUCK please don't say something happened to Maria or the--

But she was smiling now. "Hey, that's right, you don't even know -- congratulations: you're an uncle!"

"Awesome!" Ellie squealed in relief -- and she could certainly exude enough enthusiasm to make up for Joel's utter lack of it. She was practically bouncing with excitement. "I can't wait to meet him -- or her! Wait -- don't tell us if it's a boy or a girl, okay?"

Gavin strode toward them and shook Joel's hand. "Good to see you, man. You too, Ellie. We'll call--"

"No, no." Joel waved that off. "No need. We'll surprise 'em." But when he started to walk past Gavin, the other man stopped him.

"Hang on a sec. We're supposed to scan you."

...WHAT?! Ellie hoped that didn't mean--

"Scan us?" Joel asked dumbly -- and Ellie knew he was worried, too. It was something they hadn't had to deal with since Boston! His hand casually-but-not rested on his hip, just above the Shorty. The wheels were obviously already spinning in his brain.

Ellie tried to spin hers, too, but all she came up with was fuck shit FUCK--

"Yeah, that's new since you two left," Gavin said... calm as fuck. Like he had no idea his life might be in danger right now (which... it didn't necessarily have to be, but Ellie wasn't sure she'd have time to talk Joel down).

"It won't be necessary," Joel replied, just as calmly. "The scan, I mean. We ain't seen any infected for weeks."

"New protocol. I'm sure Tommy will tell you all about... that." He said it weird... like maybe he wasn't just referring to the scanning.

"C'mon, you know we can't leave the gate open like this," Joel reasoned.

Gavin didn't step aside, though. "Well... it's true, we don't always do it -- the scanning. Someone's gone for an hour or two, nearby... we let it slide. But you two... yeah. Instead of quarantine, we scan. It's a pain in the ass, to be honest. There's only the one scanner..."

"And it never seems to be at the gate where it's needed," Val finished for him, chuckling. "Like right now. I think it's at East Gate."

Joel heaved a long-suffering sigh. "We've just come a very long way. All we wanna do is go see my brother an' relax. Trust me, we are not infected. I wouldn't go meet my niece or nephew if that was even... the remotest possibility, I assure you."

"Plus -- Tommy didn't make us quarantine the first time we got here," Ellie put in. She was pretty sure Val didn't give a shit if they got scanned or not, and Gavin was at least wavering...

"Look," Joel continued. "Call my brother if you want. Or Maria. If you're worried about gettin' in trouble or somethin'. Ask 'em if it's all right that we go through. I guarantee you they'll say it's fine."

"That'll ruin the surprise," Ellie complained.

"That's all right," Joel told her, a bit sharply. "Whatever will put his mind at ease."

And then Joel like... winced, and shifted around a little... like his shit was just so heavy that he needed to go dump it right this minute? HA! Ellie almost laughed out loud. What a good actor he is!

Gavin glanced up at Val, then finally stepped aside. "Go on. Don't wanna ruin the surprise."

"Thank you!" Ellie bounced over and hugged him. "You're the best! Thank you so much!"

Joel cleared his throat. "Ellie--"

"What? I'm excited, okay?" she huffed. "I wanna meet my-- your-- niece or nephew already! Fuck, I've been waiting since last summer!"

Gavin offered to help carry stuff to the house, but Joel shooed him away. Ellie waited until they were well out of earshot before "whew!"ing to Joel. "That was scary! What are we gonna do? Does that mean we can't do our Sunday drives?"

"Don't worry about it," he replied quietly. "I'll take care of it."

"How?!"

"I said don't worry about it."

"...Okay. Sure, Joel. Not worried."

"Trust me. It'll be fine." He flashed her a little smile. "Only thing you should be worried about right now is what you're gonna have to do on account of losin' our baby bet."

"Ha! You should be worried! I plan on winning!" she smirked.

Ellie was so excited that it took quite a bit of restraint not to break into a run the rest of the way to Tommy and Maria's. And she would go ahead and let Joel worry about the stupid fucking scanner -- she resolved to put it out of her mind, at least for tonight, and focus on all the good things that awaited them now that they were finally home.

~Continue to Chapter 26~