CYOA Page 73
"Joel..." you start again, before you lose your nerve.
He waits. And waits. "I'm listenin'," he finally says.
"Um... I wanted to tell you something." ...Duh? Why else would you have said his name? And he just told you he's waiting for it.
But Joel doesn't even tease you for being an idiot. When it's clear you're not just going to fucking say the thing yet, he says, "All right."
You chuckle self-deprecatingly. "I don't know why it's so hard. Usually I never shut up, right?"
"Take your time." -As if you're not already.
"It's just... uh... not just, but... " What the FUCK -- just say it already!
"Is it somethin' you think I don't wanna hear?"
You're doing such a bad job of this that Joel is trying to help you out by asking questions! "No. I mean... maybe? Yes."
Now Joel chuckles. "Uh... which is it?"
"I don't know," you decide on.
"Whatever it is... it ain't gonna change how I feel about you."
"But you don't even know what it is," you protest. You hate when people make blanket statements like that!
"Don't have to. I already know that." He pauses. "I hope you know you can tell me anythin'. Anythin' that's on your mind."
"I know."
"Believe me, after all the shit I've done... I won't judge you."
"Heh... well... it's not like it's bad."
Joel waits expectantly.
And your voice isn't working properly.
"If it ain't bad, then..." he prompts.
"But it's not exactly good, either." ...What? Of course it's good! LOVE is good. What the fuck, Ellie?
"It's... neutral."
"No -- it's good."
"Just... not exactly? Not all the way?"
"Totally, all the way, completely good."
"...but you can't tell me."
"I can! I will." ...eventually? ...Someday? ... ... ...if we sit here for another five hours, maybe?
"Ellie."
"Yeah?" Save me by changing the subject!
"You know how before, I said... that whatever this is, it ain't gonna change anythin'?"
"...yeah?"
He pauses. "I meant it."
...Okay... ? Was that weird, or... "Um... okay."
"I meant it because..." He takes a deep breath -- you can feel his body taking it in. "What I mean to say... is... I'll still love you. No matter what."
...WHAT! He said it so casually. As if he uses the word 'love' all the time! "Oh," you reply, because you're lame like that. He loves me... he fucking LOVES me... he actually said the words! Out loud and everything!
An awkward silence follows. Joel stage-whispers conspiratorially, "That was s'posed to make it easier for you to tell me what you wanted to tell me."
"Oh!" you say again, this time with that little cartoon light bulb going off in your head. "It does, actually!" BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO....
He waits.
You start to crane your neck to look at him, but he stops you. "Relax... don't bust those stitches on my account."
He's given you a perfectly good excuse to be a wuss about this and not even look at him. Hmm, is that what gave him the strength to say it? you wonder. Maybe he feels embarrassed... maybe he doesn't want you reading his face (a fine art, that is... you might be the only person who can do it masterfully with Joel -- and yet, you can't even do it perfectly).
"I, um..." GOD, that was a perfectly good moment wasted back there! How fucking hard is it to say it with a 'too' on the end? 'I love you TOO, Joel.' EASY. Zero risk. HE took the risk, saying it first. And he doesn't even LIKE talking about shit like that. Not that I do, either, but... more than he does? He says it's because I'm a girl. Like, I can call him out on his bullshit -- when he doesn't always seem to UNDERSTAND his own bullshit, even. For him to actually tell me that... it's huge. Even if he did just slip it into a sentence like... like it's all natural. Maybe that's what I should do, too. The three words by themselves are like... a Big Deal. But in the middle of other words, maybe it's... -or does that water them down? I don't want to do that, either. I want him to KNOW. But-- I don't feel like he doesn't mean it, saying it the way he did. It's still just as... out there. Right? Yeah. But it's too late for that, unless I start another like... string of words... something where it would still sound natural? Only it's NOT natural at all, cuz I'm totally overthinking it now. Did he plan his out first? Cuz it did sound really... organic, the way he said it. If I copied that, it would sound... cheap, I guess? No, it has to be something different. ...Fuck -- I should just SAY IT. By itself. YES. I'm going to do it. So on the count of three! ...One... two... three... ... THREE... ... MOTHERFUCKING THREEEEEEEEEE... ... ... shit. I suck so bad at this! Okay, don't give up. Let's try this again. Slower, maybe. On three, but start forming the words before that, so you're READY. Yeah, okay, so just... ...One... one-and-a-half... two...
"You fallin' asleep?"
Joel's voice, soft though it was, actually startled you. "No! No," you assure him.
"You can take a nap if you want to."
"I'm not falling asleep."
"I don' mind. I'll watch over you."
"I'm not! I still-- I still wanna tell you. I just suck at it. Obviously."
Joel chuckles. "No you don't. Talkin' is one of your strong suits."
You don't want to fall back into the murky waters inside your head, so you need to keep talking. "Yeah, so... what you said before... that this wouldn't change anything... about how you feel... that you'd still... ... ... you'd still, like... love me..." The heavy word tastes strange on your tongue.
"It's true."
"That's... that's sort of what I wanted to... um... not talk about, exactly... er..."
"...You're a little... weirded out by that."
"No! I'm not."
"I'm sorry," he says, as if he didn't hear you. "It's too much. I get it."
"No!" Ugh! "No, that's not it at all!"
"We've always had this... understandin', between us... without sayin' a word, we just knew. An' I violated that by--"
"No! What the fuck?" You shrug off his attempts to stop you from twisting around -- and, actually, because it is rather painful, you decide to completely turn yourself around so that you're sitting on your knees in front of him. "What are you talking about? I'm glad you said it! It feels... I liked hearing it."
He relaxes. Like, visibly relaxes. "Okay then. If it wasn't... inappropriate..."
"Of course not!"
"...I know you're... not my daughter."
That one makes you blink. Um... what?
"Maybe... with all this, today... I was... I don' know. Reminded, of..."
...Wait, is he going to fucking take it back? -No, he can't. He said it-- or, AFFIRMED it, multiple times. Plus I just told him I liked hearing it! He wouldn't be that mean.
He clears his throat. "Anyway, I know I ain't your dad. Maybe... maybe I ain't got the right, to..."
"...to, what?" you prompt him, even though this conversation is starting to unnerve you.
"To say things like that to you."
"Like what? Things like... how you feel?"
"It's... layin' a burden on you. You don't deserve that."
Suddenly it all strikes you as completely ludicrous, the way you and Joel are dancing around each other... when you both fucking know that you love each other. And that you may as well be father and daughter. You actually laugh. "Joel, will you shut the fuck up already?"
He looks surprised. "Uh... sorry, I--"
"And stop fucking apologizing! Jesus." You sigh as dramatically as you can. "What I wanted to tell you... what I've been trying to say this whole time is... I feel the same way." And STILL you can't say it, but you're getting closer. "Just so we're clear."
A hint of a smile flickers across his lips; you know he likes it when you throw his own words back at him (well, as long as you're not using them against him for some reason!). "We're clear."
You lean forward to give him a hug, wrapping your arms around his neck while he wraps his around your back. You didn't say the words, exactly, but... you did say them. He understands. Maybe next time you'll say them for real -- if there is a next time. He seemed comfortable enough at first, then distinctly uncomfortable, thanks to your confusing reaction... maybe he'll decide enough is enough and leave it at that. I'll say it first, then, you decide. I'll just spit the words out like it's no big deal. ...just not right now, because I already sort of did, and we're good. REALLY good!
Continue to page 76.