CYOA Page 72
"Joel..." you start again, before you lose your nerve.
He waits. And waits. "I'm listenin'," he finally says.
"Um... I wanted to tell you something." ...Duh? Why else would you have said his name? And he just told you he's waiting for it.
But Joel doesn't even tease you for being an idiot. When it's clear you're not just going to fucking say the thing yet, he says, "All right."
You chuckle self-deprecatingly. "I don't know why it's so hard. Usually I never shut up, right?"
"Take your time." -As if you're not already.
"It's just... uh... not just, but... " What the FUCK -- just say it already!
"Is it somethin' you think I don't wanna hear?"
You're doing such a bad job of this that Joel is trying to help you out by asking questions! "No. I mean... maybe? Yes."
Now Joel chuckles. "Uh... which is it?"
"I don't know," you decide on.
"All right... do you think it's gonna make me mad?"
"...No."
" 'Cause I can't imagine what you might tell me that would, but if you think it might, now's a good time to tell me. I'm very... not-mad at you, at the moment."
"No," you repeat more convincingly.
"Sad?"
"...No..." Right? "No."
"Worried?"
"No." Easy one.
"Scared?"
Oh... good question... "I don't know."
That throws him a bit. "So... it might scare me, but it won't worry me. I don't see how the two don't go hand in--"
"Not scare-you scare you," you explain.
...Except that explanation sucks. "Uh... I'm either scared, or I ain't."
"It's a different kind of--" You stop yourself short. Maybe you don't want to go there. "Never mind. No, it won't scare you."
"...You sure?"
"Positive. I think it will make you happy. I mean, I hope it will."
"All right then. Now why is it so hard to tell me when it's somethin' good?"
"Because it fucking is, okay?" You don't mean to sound irritated... so you tone it down and quietly add, "It just is."
Joel doesn't ask you anything else for a few moments.
You start to wonder if this was a bad idea and you should just drop the whole thing, since you're clearly incapable of--
"Are you pregnant?"
.............What?!?!?!
You ignore the pain it causes to wriggle around and look at him, and you fucking Look at him. "Pregnant? Are you fucking kidding me?!" -He looks serious!
"I'll take that as a no."
"Fuck yes it's a no! How could I be pregnant?!"
Joel seems amused now. "I didn't think you needed the birds'n'bees talk, but--"
"Who's talking about birds? You know, Joel, you might not know this, but a person has to have sex to get pregnant."
"Aha -- so you don't need the talk. Good."
"What?"
"So. Not pregnant. What is it, then?"
You relax again and let your body go slack the way it wants to. You reach for the water canteen more to stall for time than anything else. You drink slowly. Set the canteen down, then do it again.
"Maybe you'll feel more like talkin' later," Joel suggests.
"No! It has to be now." That's not true, strictly speaking, but he's still being... snuggly-like. "I just..." There's that dumb, meaningless word again! It's not a JUST... at all... "I wanted to tell you that I... appreciate everything you've done for me... so much. Like, more than you'll ever know."
Oddly, you feel him tense up. He goes completely rigid. "But?" he prompts.
But?! "But what?"
"You tell me." His stiff arms fall away... down to his sides. "Be honest. What are you tryin' to tell me?"
"I am being honest... or, trying to be..."
"Are you... tryin' to say goodbye?" he asks quietly.
"Trying to-- what?! Why the fuck would I do that?" You brave the pain to turn and look at him again. I should probably look at him anyway, when I say it... right? Even if it makes it harder... "I'd have to be a total idiot. If you want to get rid of me, you're going to have to be the one who leaves." You say it jokingly, as the idea of either of you wanting to leave the other is ludicrous to you.
"Good to know. Here, why don't you sit... over here..." Joel must have been able to tell you were in pain. He shifts you over to his side, like in the crook of his arm. "Better?"
"I guess." You liked how you were sitting before, but this is almost as good. And it is easier to look at him this way. You're getting really frustrated with yourself and your inability to say three stupid little words. Maybe the not-leaving thing is a good way to segue into it... "What I wanted to say is more like... the opposite of that. Of saying goodbye."
"Hello," says Joel.
"Uh... hi?"
"Opposite of goodbye."
"Oh! Right. Yeah. Um..." Why are you so flustered, anyway? It's Joel. You already know he loves you. "Okay so not opposite, exactly. More like... I just fucking--" Oooo, almost! But you catch yourself, because you feel like this is one of the few times where that adjective might be inappropriate. You groan and bury your face in his undershirt.
He chuckles. Musses your hair. "I hear you. It's all right. In case you didn' notice, I was relieved when you said you weren't leavin'. That is not a day I'm lookin' forward to."
You smile a little, and even lift your face enough that he can see it. "Well, the way that works is... you can only look forward to stuff that's actually happening. So... there's nothing to look forward to. Or to... not look forward to. Cuz that's never happening."
"If you say so."
"You don't believe me?"
"I jus' said 'if you say so,' which you did, so yes--"
"But you said it in that way like... -People only say that when they don't believe the other person."
"I believe you."
No he fucking DOESN'T! Clearly, he really needs to hear the damn words already. "You should believe me. It's true. You know why it's true?"
He looks so clueless that it's kind of adorable.
Good... eye contact... "Because I love you." As soon as you say it, you feel the heat flooding your face, and you duck back into his shirt before you can even gauge his reaction. "That's what I wanted to tell you. I love you. I've never said it to anyone before." It's much easier to talk into the cloth than into the air, you've discovered. "I've felt it, kind of..." You think of Riley... which is a different kind of love, but it counts. "Well, yeah. I have. But never like... never as much as... you're pretty much my dad, right? I've never... had that before. I can't imagine... not being in your life... or ever wanting to... go some place where you're... if you're not there. With me."
There's an awkward pause. Shit -- I made him uncomfortable! "Sorry... you prob'ly didn't wanna know all that. I didn't tell you because I want you to say it back or anything -- you don't have to say anything, actually. Yeah -- so -- I think maybe... why don't we just pretend we never had this conversation?"
"Can't do that," he whispers. ...Why is he whispering?
"Why not?" Fuck, why do I have to ruin everything?!?! "I didn't mean it -- it just sort of slipped out. Nothing has to change!" You dare to lift your head now as you realize you might need to persuade him to--
OH.
Joel has tears in his eyes. Like... wet ones. They're making his eyes all shiny. You look away, which is the decent thing to when someone's about to cry and you don't know what to say because it's your fault, and "sorry" feels lame and inadequate. If he's tearful, then... my words affected him. He's emotional. Probably happy. Because he DID just say he doesn't want to say goodbye and all that, so...
"I love you too, kiddo."
Awww! You're still looking away. "I told you you didn't have to say it back." ...Does he WANT me to look? Or is that rude, since he's practically crying?
He chuckles weakly. "So you're allowed to say it an' I'm not? Is that it?"
You smile to yourself. "Um, no... you can say it... if you want to. ...Just know that... you're under no obligation to."
"I understand that."
He sounds okay. Happy, even. You risk a glance at him. "Okay." ...Lame!
"I guess I... thought you already knew."
"I did," you assure him. Another (longer) glance. "And I thought... you did, too? Knew that I did, I mean. That I do."
"Yes, I know."
Now you have the urge to giggle. "So why did we say it now? If we both already knew... like, normally you tell people things that... they don't already know. Or there's no point."
"True. Except... maybe part of you wasn't totally sure. An' sometimes it's just nice to... hear things out loud. Yeah?"
"Yeah, I guess... but if I never say it again, it doesn't mean I don't-- that I stopped. It's just that... well, you know. Now you know, so... there's no need."
"That's fine." Joel gives you a squeeze, and kisses the top of your head (awww!). "Maybe I'll tell you once in a while, though. Like a reminder."
"Okay." You scoot up a little and lay your head on his shoulder. "Do you want me to remind you sometimes, too?"
"If you want to."
"But would you like it if I did."
"...Yes. I would."
"Okay. I'd like it, too, I think. If you reminded me. Sometimes."
"Yeah?"
"Yep."
"All right, it's settled then."
Continue to page 76.