"Singularity" Chapter 7: "Seeing Red" [7/49] Part 2

~Continued from Part 1~




...Until she noticed. She couldn't retreat to the inside of the wall in response, of course, so she needed to verbalize. "Hey, I don't..."

"Sorry." He scooched back a little. He was sitting in a similar position as her now, one leg folded under him.

But I still have my shoes on... and I'm NOT taking them off... "Shit, I'm getting your bed cover all dirty... sorry..." At least it was a rich dark red color, not white or something. Blood red, I think you'd call it...

"Eh. I could care less about that. Been a long time since..."

She waited, but he didn't finish the thought. ...Would it be too pushy if I asked? ...Fuck it-- "Since what? It got dirty? They probably make you keep everything clean and tidy, huh."

He actually ducked his head -- like he was shy?! -- and smiled a little. "Since I've had a girl as pretty as you to talk to. But... that too, I guess."

Ellie promptly blushed at the compliment. Took another sip of water – she’d nearly finished it all already – and fiddled with the rim of the tumbler. Fuck, that was a sweet thing to say... maybe he LIKES me-likes me, and doesn't just wanna fuck me?! A different brand of guilt bubbled up out of her knotty stomach (...which, she had to admit, felt a little better now). He can't like me THAT much, can he? After barely talking? It's not like I'm crazy-beautiful or something, either... At best, she was maybe kind of cute (Joel's biased opinion aside, of course). Still, she figured she'd better nip this in the bud. "Um... I thought they told you... I have a boyfriend."

He nodded. Glanced at her. "I know. But you're here, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but..." She suddenly felt foolish; he was right. And it was high time to get down to business! MY business, that is... not his. But in order to get to her business, she needed to keep up the pretense. "I don't know how all this works. How you guys just... I dunno..."

"You're doing fine."

...Fine at WHAT?! "I really do just wanna talk... right now. I love my boyfriend. I'm sorry, I just feel like... you need to know that." Ellie inwardly cringed at that very forced-sounding 'right now,' which implied that she might want more in the future... but she had to give him hope if she wanted to get his tongue flapping, didn't she? EWW-- NOT a mental image I want in my-- I just need him to SPILL. She tried to remember how full that bottle had been when Shelby started drinking; it seemed like the level had gone down quite a bit, and yet he didn't seem drunk. Not that she was an expert on what drunken men looked like... and her friend Max could drink entire flasks of that shit without getting drunk, so...

After studying her for a few moments, Shelby smirked. "He never needs to know about it, honey."

Ugh, stop 'honey'ing me! "It's not that! Not just that. I mean... I don't cheat on him," she mumbled, blushing because she realized how stupid she sounded.

Shelby laughed. "Okay. Sure you don't."

"I don't!" she insisted. This isn't the REAL me sitting here on your bed!

"Okay, I believe you," he said in a tone that told Ellie he most certainly did not believe her. "You're a good girl... bein' bad. I like that."

"No, I'm not--" She sighed, frustrated. Of course the poor guy thought she was here to get laid! It was what she wanted him to think! ...So why can you suddenly not stand that he thinks that?! You suck at this, bitch! "I think I gave you the wrong idea. Or... someone did. What did Caleb say?"

"Uh... well, he mentioned that his little-- that... Parker... was talking about a new girl close to his age... something about surfing? You surf?"

Ellie chuckled. "Hell no. But I did try, a little." The answer she'd been expecting was what Caleb had told Shelby about her tonight, but she supposed it was good to know what Shelby had heard about her in general.

"Okay. So... I just asked him to find out if you'd be interested in having fun," he continued.

"Having fun?" Who DOESN'T like to have fun?

"That's the slang we use for it."

Oh... duh. She already knew the answer to this, but-- "Slang for what?"

"For this... exchange program we have."

...Uh-huh. "What do you exchange?"

He took another drink, and it sounded like he was muffling a snicker. "Surely you're not that innocent." Then he set the bottle down -- finally! -- on the floor.

Good... and he's still not drunk. ...I think. "I'm not innocent at all, actually," she informed him. Simply because that word had a way of irritating the shit out of her!

He waggled a finger at her. "See, there... there you go again. I can't figure you out."

"Huh?"

"Are you a bad girl, or a good girl? I can't--"

"I'm good!" Actually, it depended on the context. Ellie considered herself bad in some ways. But she was pretty sure she knew what Shelby was referring to here. And, honestly, could she really blame him for being confused?

"That's what I heard. Jonesy said that little boy wasn't even gonna ask you because you had a boyfriend... and you two seemed happy and shit. So I was... beyond surprised tonight when he told me you came."

Jonesy? She had to assume he was referring to Caleb. Caleb and his 'little boy'? She also noticed that Shelby hadn't censored the ~bad word~ this time... well, maybe cuz I said 'shit' earlier? "I am happy with him. So what -- exactly -- is being exchanged, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Companionship, for--"

"You mean sex."

"...Sometimes."

Ellie snorted. "Right."

"It's true. You just wanna talk? That's cool," he lied (...it had to be a lie... right?).

"Yeah? For how long?" she scoffed.

"For... whatever. Hey, no one forced you to come. No one is forced to do anything here."

Ellie suddenly felt bad for being so bitchy to him. "Parker did tell me that. I just... had no idea this was going on until the other day. But... if it's legit, why is it a big secret?"

"It's not a secret. Not here, anyway."

"But... Parker said..."

Shelby chuckled. "Trust me, everyone here knows about it. It's just like a... an unwritten rule to... not openly acknowledge it? It's... off the books."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, if they knew that we're--" He stopped short, shaking his head. "Never mind."

"No, tell me! Please?"

"I can't."

Hmm... does he sound a bit... regretful? Like he WANTS to tell me. Now we're getting somewhere! She leaned forward. "Why can't you tell me? I won't tell anyone, I swear," she lied earnestly. Jesus FUCK, Joel is rubbing off on me...

And now he seemed... amused again. "Why do you wanna know so bad?"

"I'm just curious." Which was true! (...minus the 'just', anyway?) "I don't understand how it works. I thought we gave you... like, fish and stuff."

Shelby chuckled again... or snickered, more like. It seemed like each time he laughed, it came out slightly less nice than before. "We can get our own fish if we want -- I just caught some myself today. Rockfish, most of 'em. You guys... are getting a sweet deal."

Ellie had discovered that she loved rockfish. ...Is that a good sign or something? Ha... "So what do we give you? Marijuana?"

"Well, yes. That's one thing, yup. Saves us the trouble of growing it or finding it in the wild -- not to mention trimming it, rolling it... That shit grows everywhere out here, though. We could get our own easily enough."

"Okay, so... basically it's the sex."

"Companionship."

"Whatever," she grumbled. "If it's... not official, then how do you get all the stuff to give us? Like the... toothpaste and stuff like that."

"That's the... classified part." Shelby gave her a sly smile. "I can hook you up, though. You think toothpaste is nice? I could give you way better shit."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "As long as I fuck you, right?"

"Damn... you are a cynical little thing, aren't you. No, you don't have to fuck me," he snickered.

I guess I can say shit like this without giggling when I'm kinda ANNOYED? "Just blow you, then? Is that all?"

"Haha! No no no, nothing like that."

He sounds sincere... "So I could just come here and talk to you, and you'd give me cool shit," she said dubiously.

"Yessss. Yep, that's right."

Ellie was still very much YEAH, RIGHT about it, but... Shelby still hadn't touched her, either. And he seemed totally cool with just talking. In fact, Caleb had seemed more irritated during the five seconds of talking she'd done in his room than this man did after all the time she'd been sitting with him. Maybe he's so happy just talking to a 'pretty girl' that he'll settle for less? She softened her tone. "I'm sorry... I just find that very hard to believe."

"I swear on my mama's grave. Now, it's true that most of the bitches over there like--"

"Bitches?" Ellie interrupted, quirking an eyebrow. It was one thing for her to use that word, but when a guy said it... it was just wrong, somehow. Just when I started to maybe believe him!

"I'm sorry, honey -- guy talk. I meant nothin' by it."

Pfff! "Uh-huh." But he did look... apologetic. Somewhat.

"You're different."

"...Uh-huh."

"You are! You don't party... you don't cheat..."

"So... the others all party and cheat?"

"Pretty much. One or the other. Or both. They like getting wasted. And some of 'em cheat with others down on the beach. You know about that?"

"...A little," Ellie hedged. She mostly just had suspicions. "Like who?"

"Ohhhh I'm not gonna blow things up for 'em, spilling all their secrets and like that."

"Okay, fine, but you still haven't explained the whole... trade part," she reminded him.

He eyed her suspiciously, for some reason (had she sounded different?!). "What are you, some kind of spy or something?"

"Of course not." But she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks again; she tried to hide it in her water cup, which was actually empty by now.

"You want some more, sweetie-pie?"

Sweetie-PIE?!?! "Sure. Thanks." She handed him the tumbler, and he strode back over to the bathroom. Okay... what have I really learned by doing this? Nothing. What a big fucking waste of time. I can't go to Joel with this. ...I'm gonna have a hard time going to Joel ANYWAY, since he would be SO PISSED at me... is it really such a bad thing they're doing here? Parker and Caleb looked happy. I would've liked to grill Caleb a bit more, see if I could figure out if he actually LOVES Parker or if it's just like... a ~party~ thing? But if Parker really didn't like the arrangement, he could call things off, right? ...I wonder if anyone does actually come here and just hang out like this? Just to TALK? Maybe everyone ASSUMES they're having sex behind the closed doors when really they just talk about comics...

Shelby returned and handed her a full tumbler. "Ellie -- relaaaaaax. Why so cynical, huh?" he asked before taking another drink from the bottle on the floor -- but at least he put it back before flopping sideways on the bed. "You got trust issues or what?"

Like she was going to tell him about her issues! She took a sip of water. "Well... I mean... if it's really just companionship you guys want... don't you have each other? Fuck -- you just said it yourself: you like hanging out, playing poker..."

He was leaning way back now, his head against the side wall. "Ain't the same thing."

Ellie couldn't decide if she liked him saying 'ain't' -- like Joel -- or if it creeped her out. "Yeah. Because of the sex."

"No." He chuckled. "You make it sound sleazy. The boys... we're like brothers, you know? They're cool... and they're also first rate pricks, sometimes... but there's no..." He gestured vaguely, and Ellie had no idea what he was trying to convey. "They're not as easy on the eyes, that's for sure."

Ellie didn't know what he meant by that. They strain his eyes? ...Joel says something like that, too, about his eyes being sore, but they're not really cuz it's just a dumb expression. "So... you seriously don't care if I walk out of here... not having sex with you."

"Nope."

"...Why not? Because I'm such good company?"

"Yyyyep." He studied her. "That surprises you?"

"Well... yeah. What's the catch?"

Shelby grinned. "Damn... your boyfriend must be a dick and a half."

That grin fucking unnerved her. "He's not! ...Why do you say that?"

"It's not all about the sex. You're young, though. Fifteen, right? Boys your age--"

"He's older than me," she huffed. The thought of Joel being with her for the sex was laughable as fuck, though. "How did you know my age?"

The grin morphed into a knowing smile. "Jonesy told me all about you, remember?"

Superficial things like age. "And you just... decided you liked me."

"I wanted to meet you," he corrected. "To see if I'd like you. And I do, by the--"

"How old are you?" she cut him off. Dude, don't LIKE me!

"Twenty-two."

"...Really?!" She wondered if he'd shaved a few years off his real age. Or maybe a whole DECADE! Then again, she did kind of suck at placing older people's ages sometimes. "You seem older."

"Izzzz... that a compliment?"

"No. Just an observation. You talk about Parker like he's way younger than you, not just a few years." She was kind enough not to mention that he also had lines around his eyes.

He sat upright again... and he seemed bigger than she remembered. His head nearly brushed the bottom of the top bunk. "How old's your boyfriend, hm?"

She bristled. "None of your business."

"Aww c'mon. Older or younger? Compared to me."

I guess I can give him that much... "Older."

"You like having sex with him?"

"Of c-- --that's none of your fucking business!" she sputtered.

"I'll assume you do, then. Does he pull out?"

...the fuck? "That's... really none of your fucking business! Fuck, if you--"

"I can help you out with that," he cut her off, all maddeningly calm -- and seemingly oblivious to her anger. "Ever heard of Plan B?"

"Uh... what? I don't need help." What the fuck is he even--

"It's a magic pill you can take after you have sex so you don't get pregnant," he explained. "Like birth control, but better 'cause you just take it when you need to."

Ellie stared at him. Why hasn't Joel mentioned this pill before?! "No way. That sounds too good to be true."

"You don't see a bunch of babies on your beach, do you?" he reasoned.

"Because people are careful, or... know how to time it right..."

"Because the ones having sex use these pills. The ones who come here do, at least. What else do you want? Lube? Hair ribbons? Candy? Soda? Coffee? Fuckin'... new socks? Anything you want -- you name it, I can--"

"You can get coffee? Really?"

"Yep."

Oh man... I bet Joel would LOVE to have coffee again... that would go over well: "Enjoy it, Joel, I just had to fuck this dude to get it, no biggie!" She'd never noticed anyone drinking it at Golden Sands, though... and didn't a lot of old people like it? "How do you get this stuff?" she asked... and her yearning to surprise Joel with the coffee probably made her sound eager.

"Req forms," Shelby replied. "And we get first pick... of whatever doesn't get stolen off the train along the way. If the guards are competent, most of the shit makes it here okay."

"Guards... on the train?"

"Yep. They shoot the thieves."

What if the guards ARE the thieves? Ellie wondered. Whatever-- she remembered Parker saying that the whole community benefited from this arrangement... so, fuck the coffee -- wouldn't someone have given her and Joel those magic pills?! They all know we're fucking! Maybe there wasn't enough to go around? Or maybe that was one of those special 'extra' things Parker had referred to... like his fancy fishing lures -- stuff that didn't necessarily get shared. Anyway, since he and Caleb didn't have to worry about pregnancy, it was possible he wasn't even aware of them. "And they just... send you whatever you want," she said, naturally skeptical. "No questions asked?"

He waggled a finger at her again. "You're a smart one, you are. That's the ~secret~ part. Off the books."

"Can't you just tell me?" This look usually works on Joel... "Pleeease?"

"You don't need to know."

It's not working?! Joel often told her no one could resist her charms, but she'd found that plenty of people actually could. More proof that he was just biased because he loved her and stuff. "Maybe I don't need to," she conceded, "but I really really want to know. I promise I won't tell!"

Shelby looked at her a long moment. "Come sit a little closer and I'll tell ya," he said conspiratorially.

She was about to counter that no one was going to overhear him with the door closed and that music blasting from down the hall, but then she realized -- duh! -- that he just wanted her to move closer to him. "Nice try," she had to acknowledge.

"Damn! I thought that was pretty good," he said lightly, smiling... in the nice way again.

Suddenly she felt sorry for Shelby. Maybe he was just lonely... for female companionship. Which was indeed different from male, after all. Plus, she'd never actually realized it until she and Joel had started getting physically comfortable with each other (before they became a couple, even!), but human touch was fucking nice... and kind of like a physical craving, at times. What did Shelby have? High-fives or fist bumps with his 'brothers'? That hardly qualified. "Why are you being so nice to me, anyway?" she asked.

"This is being nice?"

"Well... yeah? I'm like... not really doing what you want, but you don't seem mad or anything."

He chuckled... and it didn't sound menacing this time. "Maybe I'm just a nice guy? ...Besides, if I act like a dick, you won't come back for another visit, am I right? So that would be very stupid of me. That’s no way to make friends."

Of COURSE... just like Caleb, with Parker... minus the blow job. Now she really felt bad, because she had no intention of coming back. And not once when she was planning all of this did she ever stop to consider how her actions might affect the lonely soldier she was using. It wouldn't kill me to give him SOMEthing... like a hug, maybe?

Oh, I got it--

She scooted a little closer to him. "Okay... if you tell me the secret, I'll... sit on your lap," she offered. "If you want me to, I mean. Like... on the edge of the bed, not... back there." That's harmless enough... as long as Joel never finds out... and then I can leave...

"Deal." He slid forward and sat up straighter, his legs now over the side.

"But I'm just... sitting. No... touching or anything," she warned him.

"Mm."

"...And you need to tell me first." Maybe I can actually leave without even--

"Ohhh no. Shit, I should've known you were just teasing," he laughed.

"I wasn't! Okay okay -- I'll... sit." She set the tumbler on the nightstand and crawled toward Shelby.

The boozy stink of his breath assailed her. Gross! She'd caught a whiff of it before, when he gave her the water, but now it would be like... constant. She planted her butt next to his leg and swung her legs over, hoping that would be enough to appease him, but he pulled her fully into his lap and wrapped his arms around her. She kept her own arms firmly at her sides... with her right hand resting on her jeans pocket (she couldn't risk him being able to feel what she'd smuggled in, after all). She turned her head away from him... and felt his hot breath on her neck.

"You feel good," he murmured.

"Okay so talk," she barked at him.

"Relax, I'm not gonna touch you."

You ARE touching me! His hand was roaming over her back. "Talk," she repeated.

"Yeah, so... I don't know everything."

"What!" She turned to glare at him.

"I know enough, and I'll share, okay? ...Damn, you have pretty eyes."

She turned away again. "Don't say things like that," she mumbled. I'm sorry, Joel... I'm SO not enjoying this, I swear!

"My bad. Just sayin'. Let's see... uhhhhh..."

His other hand was roving over her arm, which was protecting her thigh... and then it wandered over her calf, making her very glad she wasn't wearing shorts. He wasn't touching -- or trying to touch -- her private areas, which is what she assumed he meant when he said he wouldn't touch her. On the surface, it wasn't unlike sitting with Joel... and yet it felt TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT. Even if she were to close her eyes (...and plug her nose!) in an attempt to fool her brain, it would be futile: she would always be fully aware of just how different it was. Joel's touch made her flesh sing... Shelby's made it crawl. Like, she'd never gotten the full gist of the skin-crawling thing until now.

But -- it wasn't his fault. He wasn't doing anything wrong. The poor man just had the misfortune of not being Joel. She wouldn't punish him for that.

On the other hand… there was only so much discomfort she could tolerate. Ellie just sat there, stiff as a board. I can put up with it for a minute... but he's not even TALKING-- "Dude... focus!"

"Ahhh... I'm a little distracted here..."

"Okay, see, this is why you're supposed to tell me first." She squirmed...

...and he held her closer. "Sorry sorry -- I can do this. The agreement... yeah. It was in place when I got here. The hippies on the beach wanted amem-- amenities... running water and shit... you know... we supply two Zones, 'cause of being on the railroad... close to it... so, way I understand it, it's a combo of padding the reqs and skimming off the top."

Ellie absorbed that, trying to force her mind to think about the words and not the roaming hands. She wasn't sure she understood exactly what he meant, but if she committed the words to memory... maybe Joel would? I could bring it up out of context, if I decide not to tell him... "Even stuff like... those B pills, or whatever?"

He chuckled. "You think the Zones want a bunch of kids running around? Fuck... those guys don't even have to be nice first."

...What? But she was quickly distracted from that disturbing remark when she felt wet lips on her neck. A wave of revulsion broke over her. "Hey, don't-- don't do that." She couldn't very easily squirm out of reach, but she turned her neck as far in the other direction as it could go, giving him a face full of hair.

"Your hair smells like the ocean," he breathed.

Joel had said those exact same words to her... Ellie wanted to cry. She felt dirty... slutty, like she was cheating on him. Does it count if I'm just using the guy? And I'm NOT letting it go any further than this. In fact--

"Look, you're nice and all, so... I don't wanna lead you on. I'm in love with my boyfriend. I'm not gonna... -You're wasting your time." She kept squirming, trying in vain to find a less-icky position, and now... she was pretty sure she felt something stiffening beneath her. SUPER gross!!!

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that, baby... it ain't wasted so far..."

She wanted to ask him more questions, but if she stayed on his lap for much longer, she was going to fucking vomit. "Just... let's go back to talking, okay? Like -- apart. I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with this."

His slimy lips found her neck again. "That's 'cause you just need to relax... let me make you feel good..."

"No... No! I don't-- I'm not into you. I love my boyfriend." How dense was this guy? Was he so clueless that he didn't realize her body language was screaming her disgust? Why would he even want to fool around with someone who didn't like him back?

He sighed, and she relaxed a little; he was finally starting to get it! "All right, Ellie... how 'bout one little kiss, hm? Just one. Then you can go." He pawed at her face, trying to turn it toward him.

"No--" --But then an idea popped in her head. "I mean -- your breath stinks like booze. Do you have mouthwash or something?"

Shelby just laughed.

"What's so funny?" she asked crossly.

"You. You really think I'm gonna get up and go brush my teeth... and come back and find you here... waiting to kiss me?"

"You will! I swear!" she lied.

"After what you just told me?" He heaved another sigh. "No matter what I say... or do... you're not coming back. Are you."

"No... I'm sorry... I just can't. But... I'll kiss you." Why the guy was so hell-bent on kissing a girl who was clearly not interested, Ellie didn't know. She felt sorry for him... but not sorry enough to kiss him! Hopefully, he was clueless enough -- or desperate enough? -- to buy her little act. "One kiss. A good one. But only if you fix your... ugh, alcohol is just so nasty... I'll even come with you to the bathroom, if you don't trust me to wait here." Then I can sprint through that open bathroom door into the empty room next door and--

"Mm... what was it you said to me? NICE TRY."

Ellie was creeped out... grossed out... and with the way he said that? Now she was getting freaked out. But she wasn't going to let him see that. "Shelby. Let me go right now -- or I'm gonna have to hurt you. I'm not fucking around."

His next laugh was practically a cackle. "Let you go? You just told me you're not coming back, so... no need to play the long game anymore. If I'm never gonna see you again... -You can still enjoy it, you know. Don't fight it, baby..." He grabbed at her face. Yanked it around and pulled it toward his.

Ellie bit his lip, which did make him pull back, but didn't startle him as much as she'd needed it to. If anything, he seemed more amused. And he had a fucking iron grip on her; she writhed and struggled and couldn't break free!

"Ellie Ellie Ellie. Did you really think you could sit on my lap... tease me like that -- and then just waltz on out of here? Fine -- I won't kiss you with my... ~booze breath~. But I am gonna fuck you. So you might as well just let it happen."

Then he was pushing her down on the bed, and she couldn't fucking move-- but she did manage a scream, praying Parker would hear--

Shelby's hand exploded across her face. "Don't do that again... unless you wanna get hit harder. No one's gonna hear you anyway, you little cunt. Even if they did, no one cares. Just... fucking relax. Coulda been my girl... I'da gave you whatever you wanted... all's you'd have to do... is just have fun..."

The blow had stunned her for a few moments, but she was okay -- nothing broken, and her head wasn't swimming... wasn't spinning off its axis. He hadn't hit her that hard. The music was still thumping away down the hall, and Parker was probably high as the moon by now... she had nothing to gain by screaming again.

And Joel--

Fuck--

He wasn't going to magically appear; he hadn't followed her this time. She was on her own.

Shelby was leaning heavily on her, blocking every effort she made to free herself. By some miracle, Ellie managed to ignore the fear and panic welling up inside her enough that she could fucking think. She realized he would have to get her pants down if he wanted to proceed; it wasn't like he could rip out the crotch of her jeans with his bare hands. And he doesn't know what I have in my pocket-- if I can just GET to it--

Sure enough, he started fumbling with her fly... and although the bulk of him was still pinning her down, she now had the opening that she needed. It wasn't the most fluid of motions, but she managed to extract the knife, switch it open, and plunge it into his fucking gut. Twist it around, yank it back out.

Shelby gasped in shock or pain, his hands instinctively flying to the wound... Ellie pushed him off of her, but he reached out and grabbed her by the arm! And it was her knife arm! But--

She pivoted, grabbed the shiny brass lamp with her left hand, and clumsily clocked the side of his head with it, causing him to release her.

She should've just run away. She really should have. But this thought would not occur to her until afterward -- after she was done freaking the fuck out.

The motherfucker lay there on his side, one hand on his head and the other on his belly, groaning loudly.

I didn't wound him enough! He's not gonna die unless I-- Ellie pushed him onto his back, straddled him, and buried the knife in his chest, through the top of the graphic on his T-shirt, as deep as it would go... wrenched it out, and did it again -- stabbing all corners of that indiscernible graphic -- over and over, she plunged and pulled and plunged -- in the middle -- high and low -- because she had to make sure -- she had to -- I have to get his HEART -- and his LUNGS -- and his THROAT -- and his fucking disgusting FACE -- "You're -- never -- gonna -- touch -- me-- AGAIN -- motherFUCKER --" She felt the warm blood spurting on her -- like, everywhere -- it didn't stop her -- if anything, it fed her frenzy of rage -- the relentless stabbing --

Shelby was spitting up blood now, making these... just... fucking awful squelchy gaspy noises. Not dead yet -- not dead yet -- the mantra repeated in her head...

Even after his head lolled back, lifeless.

Even though there was probably more blood on the outside of his body now than in.
Ellie stabbed him countless more times before her own body apparently decided it had had enough: the knife slipped out of her hands, and she fell back on her haunches, the butchered man's legs still beneath her. Panting, heart pounding, arms shaking... her mind fucking racing... it felt sort of like a panic attack, only with a legit reason to panic -- at first, anyway... now it was just...

It's okay -- you're okay -- calm down -- he's DEAD -- stop looking at what's LEFT of him-- And that stench... oh God it's DISGUSTING--

She stumbled into the bathroom and puked her guts into the toilet... out of habit? because what she'd left in that room was so vile that a little vomit would not have made much difference. She flushed it away... then just slumped there on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, still panting... but she was starting to calm down now. Throwing up seemed to have helped this time. The left side of her face was throbbing... her skin was still crawling with revulsion... her hands were shaking (though unhurt -- thankfully, they hadn't slid down past the hand guard)... it felt like her heart was pulsing inside her head...

But other than that, she was fine. You're FINE, she tried to tell her brain. He's dead!

...HE'S DEAD.

She had killed a fucking soldier -- one who was an ally, not an enemy. Nice, shy, quiet Shelby. A 'friendly.' She had murdered him. Not just murdered -- fucking slaughtered. He was very, very dead.

What am I gonna do? ...WHAT AM I GONNA FUCKING DO?

She needed to figure it out -- fast.

I can't--

I can't even deal with this right now--

With everything else quiet save her mind, she latched on to the faint boom - boom - boom of Caleb's music down the hall. It was... sort of soothing, somehow. Like white noise. Like Joel listening to the ocean...

Oh my God JOEL... don't hate me...

A fog settled over her brain, cloaking all the unwanted thoughts. Still hugging her knees, she rocked herself gently to the beat. Back and forth... back and forth... back and forth.


~Continue to Chapter 8~