CYOA Page 128
Oh my God... I'm SO SORRY, Zack! you apologize in your head. I'm a fucking coward! I can't confess.
You watch helplessly as Joel takes the kid aside to give him the talking-to. Your face is burning, even though you can't hear what they're saying. Zack glances at you... but Joel hasn't explained anything yet, you can tell. You suddenly can't stand the thought of seeing... whatever his face will look like after Joel tells him.
"Going back inside," you call over to Joel. No need to tell him why. He'll probably assume you feel awkward around Zack now. Which is true...
Ahhhh I'm such an asshole!
You hide up in the room you were supposed to be sleeping in last night, busying yourself with shading in squares on the calendar page you brought (you like to keep track of what day it is). Lightly at first, then with more pressure... then too much pressure -- the lead snaps. "Fuck!" You pull your knife out of your pocket and start carefully peeling back the wood to expose more lead. At least this is a legit task, unlike shading the squares?
You hear Joel's voice downstairs, like he's talking to Zack outside. And then Joel's coming upstairs... "Ellie?"
"In here." You don't look up when he enters the room, but you know he's there. "I'm sharpening this pencil," you inform him. ...Yeah, because he can't see that for himself...
He sits on the bed behind you. "I talked to Zack."
...Okay, so we're BOTH telling each other obvious shit... am I supposed to thank him?! You don't know what to say, so you just keep shaving wood flakes off your pencil (you really should've brought the sharpener you have in your desk at home).
"You hungry?" he asks. "You didn't eat anything."
"No." It's true -- your lie is sitting in the pit of your stomach already like a rock. No need to add food.
"Are you all right?" he asks, his tone annoyingly gentle and concerned.
Oh... right. He thinks you're traumatized. You'd better make more of an effort to act normal. You twist around to look at him. "I'm fine! I told you it was nothing."
"It ain't nothin'. But... I do think he had no idea that what he did was... inappropriate."
Of course he had no idea! ARGH. "Seriously, Joel, it was no big deal. I wish you hadn't said anything to him."
"No -- he needs to know what's acceptable an' what ain't."
"He's just a little boy."
"Exactly. An' now he knows."
You sigh. "He didn't do anything wrong. It's all my fault, really. I'm the one who got in the bed and slept--"
"Don't do that, kiddo. Don't blame yourself. He told me he asked you to sleep there, an' you were sweet enough to--"
"I'm not sweet!" you groan.
He smiles a little. "Maybe you don't see it, but you are. That was real nice of you, comfortin' him when he was scared."
Uuugggh! You turn back to your pencil. I didn't want him to think badly of me by telling him the truth... but now he thinks GOODly of me when he shouldn't! You can feel his eyes on you. Like he's not sure what to say next.
He clears his throat. "I know I ain't... the easiest person to talk to about... stuff like this..."
The awkwardness is just oozing out of those words! Poor Joel. "What do you mean? You're fine." You stay focused on the pencil.
"I mean... if you need to talk about... what you're feelin', or... I don' know..."
Oh my fucking GOD!!!! You turn around again, exasperated. "Joel, stop. I told you I'm okay. I'm not... feeling anything." Unless you count 'shitty'...
"Ellie... it's me. I know you. I know you ain't tellin' me everything. I also know you ain't as okay as you're tryin' to make me think."
"Oh my God! Stoooopppppp! I'm fiiiiiine! What do I have to say to convince you?!"
He looks... kind of sad. Fucking sad! "I want you to be honest with me. If you don't wanna talk about it--"
"There's nothing to talk about! ...Okay, you don't believe that, so... no. No, I don't wanna talk about it. How's that?"
He nods (...probably relieved that he's off the hook in the talking department now!). "All right. I also noticed... we've been alone in here for, oh... a bit longer than thirty seconds, an' normally you'd be tryin' to have your way with me after ten. Ten at most."
"Uh... so now you're mad that I'm obeying your rules?" He's right, though...
"Not mad -- of course not. It's just... out of character. I'm concerned. Not mad."
...What IS wrong with me?! Joel's sitting there -- on a fucking bed, even -- and the thought of making out never even crossed your mind. Is it the guilt weighing on you? Are you worried you're going to freak out if Joel touches you the way he believes Zack touched you (what the fuck did Zack even tell him, anyway?!), like the shame will wash over you and ruin it or something? You force a smile. "Well, I can fix that..."
He holds up his hand. "No... I didn' mean to make it sound like... like you have to. You need time. I understand."
You roll your eyes. "Don't tell me what I need, mister," you toss at him, trying to sound playful and flirty as you stand up and move toward him.
"Ellie, no -- really -- I get it. You--"
You shut him up by climbing into his lap and kissing him deeply. You don't feel shitty enough that you don't enjoy it... until it occurs to you that it's extra shitty that you don't feel shitty, after what you did to poor Zack, making Joel think he's a little pervert. You pull back and force another smile (although this one is more genuine than the last). "I'm fine. Are you convinced yet? Cuz I can keep trying to make you believe that..." You giggle a little and kiss him again. You feel him smiling.
"Mm... might need a little more convincin'..." And the smile is back in his voice, too. Good! You don't want him pitying you, for fuck's sake.
You manage to push the kid from your thoughts for a few minutes... until Joel gently pushes you off his lap and stands up. "Come on. I told Zack I was gonna check on you, then bring you down so he can apologize to you."
"Fuck, Joel -- he doesn't have to apologize! I'm the one who--" ...is a huge DICK. But you cut yourself off because you can't say that and not explain it.
"Who should apologize? I told you -- it wasn't your fault."
Shit shit shit SHIT FUCK. "I don't want an apology," you mutter darkly.
"I think it's important for him to do it."
You sigh. "It's not like he's a five-year-old who needs to be taught how to say 'sorry' or whatever."
"No. He's a ten-year-old who did somethin' wrong an' needs to apologize for it."
"He didn't know it was-- he didn't do anything!" You could kick yourself for that slip that only serves to reinforce that yes, he did do something.
"Whether he knew it was wrong or not, he did it. Now c'mon. Let him tell you he's sorry, then we can all move on. Oh, an' I told him he can ride with me today. He's fine with it."
Oh, yes, because I would be so UPSET with 'the little creep' sitting behind me. You don't doubt that Zack was fine with it, though; he probably hates you now.
There's no getting out of this, so you trudge down the stairs after Joel, the dread and guilt and overall shittiness weighing on you more and more with every step.
Zack has apparently already eaten; he's rinsing out the bowl and spoon with the 'dishes' water bottle. He looks up when you and Joel approach.
"All right, son... you have somethin' you want to say to Ellie?" Joel prompts the poor hapless kid -- like you would a five-year-old who really doesn't want to apologize but is being forced to!
You want to die.
Zack sets aside the bowl and spoon and shuffles over to stand in front of you awkwardly, eyes downcast. "Sorry, Ellie," he mumbles.
You try to catch his eye, but he steadfastly looks at the dirt. "It's okay, Zack. You didn't do anything wrong."
Joel sighs. "Ellie, I explained to him--"
"He didn't, though!"
"He didn' know that he did. It ain't the same thing."
You try to ease the burden of feeling like a shitty person by telling yourself hey, I TRIED to tell him... but it doesn't quite wash. You know better.
"I'm sorry too, Zack," you add. I'm not THAT shitty, cuz I apologized... yeah... PFFT-- okay, that's not working either...
You know Joel is getting frustrated with you. "You don' need to apologize to him, Ellie. You did nothin' wrong."
"Can we just forget this now?" you sigh.
Joel studies you for a moment, then nods. "Sure. We good? All of us?"
You're not, but that's through your own fault, not theirs. "Yep."
"Yep," Zack repeats, then hurries back to finish with the dishes.
You can't tell if he hates you or not. ...Oh, hey, genius Ellie -- did it ever occur to you that maybe he really does believe he did something wrong?! Fuuuuuck. You should probably talk to him and explain that Joel overreacted/got the wrong idea/is just waaaaay overprotective.
But you're not going to get any alone time with him until... maybe tonight? Maybe not even then, if you stay at the hospital (you don't think that's the plan, but you're pretty sure you're behind the schedule Joel has in his head). Joel will go pee with him like as a male bonding experience or something -- and he'd never allow you to do that, especially after ~The Incident.~ Besides, boys finish peeing in like ten seconds, so it wouldn't allow you much time anyway. Unless you make Zack wait with you while you pee, but the thought of that makes you feel kind of like a pervert yourself.
You wanted to forget it before, but now you can't stand the thought of letting Zack feel bad all day long. 'Bad' meaning either pissed off at you, or bewildered and upset. There's no way you're going to confess the truth -- not to him, not to Joel. It's gone too far now for that. It will just be another instance where Joel thinks you're a better person than you are. You do idly wonder if Joel harbors any guilt for letting this horrible thing happen to you... he shouldn't, but he likes to beat himself up for anything and everything that he can, so...
He can handle it, you decide... because you're that selfish. You'll show him how normal and happy and not-traumatized you are and he'll be fine. And he's not treating Zack like a perv, thank God.
Later that morning on your first break, you figure you'd better just ask to talk to Zack alone. Joel is suspicious, and Zack is a little reluctant... but they're cool with it. The two of you take a leisurely stroll through the woods.
"Bet you're wondering why Joel wanted to... talk to you like that," you begin awkwardly.
Zack keeps his eyes straight ahead of him. "Well... yeah. I tried to tell him I didn't hurt you, but he wouldn't listen. Like... I did it by accident. But I still don't know what it was that I did."
"You didn't do anything. Joel just..." You feel a pang of guilt blaming the whole thing on Joel. But he DID overreact! "Somehow I gave him the idea that you... I dunno. He got the idea in his head, and when I tried to tell him he had it all wrong, he thought I was just like... covering for you, or that I was embarrassed or something." You're blushing furiously -- whether from the subject matter or from the... uh, white lie, you're not sure, but thankfully, Zack still isn't looking at you.
"Why would he think that?" Zack wonders.
Good question. Because I'm an idiot? "Um... I think it's like a dad-and-daughter thing?" You hate to go there, but... you're going there. Oh well... Zack already thinks that's what our relationship is like, so he's already on the list of people that will hate us when I turn eighteen and the whole world knows it was all a big LIE. "He's really overprotective of me. I... did tell him you asked me to sleep in the bed. Sorry, dude."
He shrugs. "I don't care about that. I just don't get it. He thought because I asked you to sleep there...?"
"I guess," you say, knowing how lame it sounds. "I'm so sorry you had to listen to one of his lectures." He finally glances at you, and you wince at him in sympathy. "Was it really awful?"
"I dunno... he was really nice. Like he wasn't even mad. He didn't hit me."
"Of course he didn't!" You're horrified at that, but of course, Zack's used to being treated differently. "You know... if you told him about... getting hit and stuff--"
"No! Ellie, you promised you wouldn't tell him!" He glares at you.
"I won't! I won't. I just think... maybe you should. He can help you!"
"How?"
"He can talk to your-- to Mr. Weston." ...and by 'talk', you mean 'threaten.' ...and by 'threaten,' I mean KICK HIS FUCKING ASS! -Maybe
"That's not gonna change anything," Zack mumbles dejectedly.
Or maybe Joel would go a different route. Maybe he'd tell Tommy and Maria -- they have the authority to send Zack to live with another family. Easily, since Zack's not even the asshole's biological son. "I think it would. Look, you just saw how nice he is, right? Don't you think you could at least talk to him... tell him why you don't wanna go home?"
"I'm not supposed to tell. It's bad enough I told you."
"Yeah, see, the guy told you that just to keep you quiet, because on some level, he knows what he's doing is wrong. He's trying to scare you."
"He does scare me."
"Well, he doesn't scare me or Joel. We can help you, I swear." Maybe you can help Zack on your own... you could confront the prick. Joel wouldn't like that if he knew, of course, but that's the whole point... Zack doesn't want him to know. Or, you could do it the right way and report it to Tommy and Maria... let them deal with it. They wouldn't just look the other way. They're good people... they'd be concerned about Zack...
"I'll think about it," the kid says eventually.
"Yeah? You will?"
He nods. "Joel isn't as scary as I thought."
You smile. "Of course he's not! He's only scary if you're a hunter -- er, bandit, as you would say -- or infected." And to anyone who hurts you. Thank God Zack is only ten! Who knows what Joel would've done if he was like... five years older. "Are we cool, then? You and me?"
"Yeah." He gives you a shy smile, and you know things are truly okay now.
And, hey -- maybe there's some good that came from all this: now Zack knows what kind of guy Joel is, and that he can be trusted... because of you, maybe he'll share his secret with Joel, who you're positive will take action on it.
Yep... that's what you're going to tell yourself to ease the guilt. What a good deed I did!
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