CYOA Page 122
"Of course I still want to kill her," you tell Joel. Duh!
Joel sighs. "The cycle of revenge... it's--"
"What cycle? This is to protect us. None of these people even know we exist. It's just her we have to worry about."
"We don' know what she told 'em."
"Okay, well... even more reason, then. If she rallies a big group to come and find us--"
"Fine. Let's go." He hops up... leaving rather abruptly, it seems... but you're glad he's not going to fight you on this; that bitch would haunt your dreams.
She should be easy to find now, assuming she remembers where they were at, along the river. Joel is quiet along the way. Which isn't unusual, of course, but... you sense that he's troubled by this whole thing.
You wrestle for a while with whether to broach the subject or not. You're not sure how he'd react -- you're sure he doesn't want to talk about it -- and... well, maybe you don't really want to discuss it yourself. At least not 'til after it's done. Is he upset with me, or the situation? you keep wondering. You feel like it's you... but then, you've felt that way before, and it's turned out that you're just a bit paranoid about shit sometimes. About anything that might cause Joel to stop loving you. Or, even worse -- like he doesn't want to be around you anymore.
Joel warns you to be extra cautious when he feels like you're getting close to the river, but you recognize the area as well and you're already on high alert. You know this is definitely not the time for a heart-to-heart; your indecision thus far means you'll have to wait 'til after.
Joel spots her first. The two of you retreat a little way, just to remain safely out of her view... while you strategize, you assume. He dismounts, so you naturally start doing the same--
"No, Ellie -- you stay here. Stay with the horses."
"But--"
"Stay here," he says in his don't-argue-with-me voice.
You stay on your horse... for another two seconds. Then you're following him, because this is bullshit.
He whips around. "Ellie--"
"No -- you don't even wanna do this, Joel -- I do. I'm the one who should do it." You haven't even laid eyes on the woman yet... but now you spot her horse.
"I do wanna do this. You need to stay here."
When he starts to turn away again, you grab his arm. "You only wanna do it so that I don't have to! And that's not fair. I'm the one who decided. I should be--"
Joel wrenches free of your grip. "You didn't decide. I did. You influenced the decision, but ultimately, it's my call."
"Why -- cuz you're ~the adult~?"
"That's exactly why, yes. An' I don't want you gunnin' someone down in cold blood."
"It's not! It's for us--"
"I know that's what you think. An' that's fine -- yes, it's for us. I get it. Kill or be killed. But she didn't do nothin' to us, an' we're killin' her: cold blood."
"...Okay... well, whatever -- I've killed loads of people, Joel, it's not--"
"Don't say that like it's a good thing. Like it's a... a goddamn badge of honor or somethin'. 'Cause it ain't."
You know he's trying to protect you -- it's just what he does -- but it's starting to get on your nerves. "I don't know if I'd call it... a badge of honor, exactly, but... it's like scars. The more you have, the more shit you've survived."
Joel snorts. "That's what a badge of honor is... somethin' to be proud of."
"So... okay, then yeah -- maybe that's what it is. I am proud of what we've done. How we crossed the fucking country, by ourselves, mostly... starting out with nothing. Aren't you proud of that?" ...There's that sad look again...
"I'm glad we made it. Of course I am. But... proud? No. I don't like what it did to you."
"What it did to me?" You snort. "It made me stronger. I learned so much from you. In Boston, I was just a scared little--"
"You were naïve. Innocent. You reminded me that... that things don't have to be... ..." He gives up on the thought and goes back to straight up scowling. "You think I want you to be like me? 'Cause I sure as hell don't. I never wanted that for you."
You touch his arm again, but in a gesture of compassion. "Of course I want to be like you. You don't even know..." ...how amazing you are... not just cuz you're a total bad-ass, and can kill anyone or anything in your way... but underneath all that... yeah, you're going to leave things unsaid, too. "Being like you is a good thing, Joel. You're a good guy."
That was... not the right thing to say. Maybe even the wrong thing. You know he's not going to say anything else on the subject; you see something shift in his eyes. "I'm doin' this, not you. That's final. You understand? 'Cause if you don't, I'm callin' this off right now. Just... fuckin' stay here, all right? Just. Stay. Here."
You're about to launch into a tirade about how this is bullshit... but... fuck. The "fucking stay here" throws you. It doesn't even sound like Joel.
"Fine. I'll watch the horses," you concede. ...or, sort of concede, because while you're pretty sure Joel means what he says, what's he going to do if you chase after him once he's close enough to do the deed? Maybe you won't insist on being the one to pull the trigger, but... you feel like you have to own this, somehow. Like... more than just hanging back while Joel goes and... 'does my dirty work', as they say in the movies. You should be present. If Joel has to live with it, so do you.
...Do I really want to do this?
Fuck -- you don't want to be having second thoughts, but obviously, you are! You're not even sure why, but you are. What's stopping you -- the guilt at taking an 'innocent' life, or at letting Joel take it for you?
It's not too late to stop him.
If you call things off, turn to page 202.
If you decide to let things unfold as planned (...except you HAVE to follow Joel and at least be present for it), turn to page 207.