i woke up at qrtr to 6 am, finally without a heavy heart, but i felt so empty. i’m listening to lana del rey’s how to disappear. it’s my favorite and i love her songs with my whole heart.

i feel very sad so i will try to list down everything i’m grateful for.

stefie and gian, the love of my life.

my playlists on spotify that keep me sane.

my notebook and the pen that he bought.

i am alive and breathing.

the quietness in the morning so i could write calmly.

the sound of the rain.

it’s so cold. it’s raining.

i used to hate the rain because of how loud it is—it made me uncomfortable. i don’t hate it that much anymore though. it’s nice seeing the sun and its reflection on the water. the brightness makes everything glistens. the water droplets on plants making it look like pearls. after the gloominess, the sun comes forward to prove that in every darkness there is light. it’s a lovely sight.

i wanna describe the feeling of detaching from something or someone, but i don’t think i’ve ever experienced it. or i have just forgotten. i don’t remember how it felt like when i let go of those people along with the memories i have of them. how does accepting in order to move on feel like? of course it’s bittersweet. you can miss them and cry all you want, but there’s nothing you can do about it anymore. they say, acceptance doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or you’ve given up. but hm, did i really accept what happened or i just simply forgot about everything?

i still think about those people. people i’ve let go of.

i now feel more nostalgic than ever. it’s stupid. i’m so stupid. life has so much to offer yet i’m here envisioning myself with them acting like nothing happened between us. i do miss everyone. i’m grateful that they were there and made sure i wasn’t alone.

i am reminiscing my 9th grade year. i met really really nice people. i was foolish, incredibly vulnerable, and very sensitive. i badly needed friends. then i became friends with the three guys who were my seatmates and the friends i made during my 8th grade.

and then there’s Mark. Mark was a really really nice person, and still one of the best people i’ve ever met. we’d give each other hugs before going home. we’d hug every time we see each other. it may be normal for him to do that but it gave me so much comfort. it’s like the light in my every darkness. very silly, i know. i wouldn’t want to go home without it. yes, i had a crush on him. well, who wouldn’t? so stupid. i was such an idiot. he’s not the first person who brought me comfort but i was more comfortable with him. he’d braid my hair, gave me a piggyback ride, kissed my hand (although it was because of a play, Romeo and Juliet). it was very comforting being with him. i was always excited to go on about my day if he was present in class. i may be overreacting but i felt very very special. the feeling is indescribable. in the end, i realized that i didn’t like him romantically, but because he was the best friend i’ve ever had.

we don’t talk anymore. it’s bittersweet. but it’s just how life is. people come and go.

anyway, do you believe in soulmates? cause i do. however i don’t know how to determine if they really are my soulmate or just another person who will leave bits and pieces of memories with me. memories that will linger in my mind forever.