i’m starving.

i only eat when my mom is around.

i would wait until i’m not hungry anymore before i try to search for food downstairs.

until i feel dizzy,

until i start to feel the hotness spreading all over my skin.

i don’t know if eating is very difficult for me to do, or i just simply don’t want to.

maybe because i also hate the sight of my dad when he’s on the table. i hate being beside him. i don’t like it. i hate it. sometimes i have no choice but to.

during my 11th year, i used to not eat. not until i finish five tasks. it’s terrible. why on earth would i do such thing?

but i won’t ever accomplish anything if i attempt to put it away from my mind. if i get off in front of my laptop.

mother would be so mad once she finds out about this.

i got taken to the hospital once. my stomach made me suffer. i cried and cried because i could not swallow anything, not even water.

the feeling of discomfort when i ram water down my throat. it was excruciating for my tonsils. i gagged.

nonetheless, i succeeded.

i vomited. i threw it all up. strange this may sound but i felt better after.

i often find myself reminiscing that time, yet i still wonder why it isn’t enough for me to be fearful of what may happen next.

i am being patient with myself so please bear with me a bit more. i’ll be better soon. i’ll have some bread.