i’m excited about this. i’m starting a new journey. walking on a path i’m not really familiar with.. yet. i feel nervous i don’t know why, am i too excited for this?

anyway

it’s been a week since me and someone broke up. it feels silly thinking about him now as i type this down. it has been a huge roller coaster ride of emotions lately and i can’t deny that i still miss him.

i’ve watched multiple break up documentaries on youtube just to see if everything does get better, and yes, it does. those people are all in a better place now, living life happily and healthily without them. i still find myself hurting every time i take a break from watching or reading. every single thing we did together really brought me comfort and.. happiness. i’m over my “regret phase.” i’ve accepted the fact that it just didn’t work out, maybe it’s not the right time for us yet. but i am still hopeful.

enough of that. i’ve always wanted to write about whatever then post it online. i do keep a journal, but i want this to reach someone. though i’ll let them find this themselves.

oh i’ve been reading a book, it’s about understanding your emotions, pointing out what kind of thought bias you have, and how to deal with them. it’s Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr. Julie Smith. it’s kind of helping and it’s nice to have something you’re interested in and that you finally have that motivation you have been wanting for so long rather than waiting for your tears to fall.

watching tiktok videos also help me realize some things. one of them is about: you are also worthy of love even if you’re not at your best. and i agree. i’m not trying to justify the bad things or those actions made out of impulse while i was in a relationship, but it’s good to know about it. i was so distressed, and couldn’t handle it, and i guess he felt that way as well. but i don’t blame him. as long as you’re not harming your partner, it’s okay to live by that narrative. however, in order to be happy, know that it doesn’t come from relationships but from healing your soul.

do not ignore the signs. do not expect them to “cure” your traumas. they’re not responsible for your own happiness. so enjoy your own company, and you won’t feel alone. though i do admit that these are very very difficult to do at first, but everything will be okay.