Getting away with it all messed up

Nearly 4 years later

loopylinz — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 17:28:28 GMT

I might just out myself a little bit. Ive been on this site since 2004 thats a whole fucking 21 years. Well shit... as if im still living.

The fun and games did not end. I did not get my PGCE. I qas in fact too spicy brained for that. A month after I parted ways with Sunderland university in 2022, I joined Tesco. Im the one behind the scenes in the distribution centre, who fills the cages to go to store. Lovely job, I dont have a single bad word to say about it. It's suited to spicy people like me hahaha. Antics daily.

On a serious not, I’ve been through the mill again. Another mountain of trauma, serious illness and yeah, dark times. I'm fighting the best I can. May report back soon haha.

O hai

loopylinz — Sun, 13 Feb 2022 14:50:52 GMT

Hello. I'm a grown up now.

I found this and thought "Oh boy this cringe, should I delete it?" And decided against it because its my own history and I'm confident nobody will read it anyway.

So yeah I'm still here, navigating my way through life the best I can. It hasnt always been kind to me (shocker 😂).

So it's been a spicy 7 years since my last entry. I graduated from Teesside Uni in 2016 with a 2:1 in Biological Sciences. I was hopeful it would lead me to a good life but it didnt really work out that way.

I spent the 2 years following applying for work, and not just science jobs, aldi and stuff too, I was submitting several applications per day, and receiving several rejections the next day. I declined quickly, my depression got worse and worse to the point where I only left the house to take my son to school and buy supplies. The poverty was hard too, we often needed help from food banks. I felt like a failure and that there was no hope. I got very overweight and things felt catastrophically bleak.

An opportunity arose in 2018 which I am still working on today. Technically I should have completed it in 2019 but it has been complicated and I'm not at liberty to discuss this. I'll just say I am hopeful.

So 2019-2021 I spent working on physical fitness and health. I lost all the weight I had gained due to severe depression and then some. It felt good, finally sometjing went right. I accept that I went too far with it and ended up being underweight for a while, but now I work on maintaining a healthy weight.

I finally accessed the mental health care I have desperately needed for nearly 2 decades. Therapy is hard work. Its not nice or gentle, its painful and can be distressing at times, but the end goal means its worth it. To feel better and do better, you need to come out of your comfort zone. I've risen to it with the bravery of a warrior and I am already reaping the rewards.

So what else can I say? I'm doing everything I need to do in order to live a good life. And that's my #1 objective, a good life for me and my son. I want a good life.

loopylinz — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 06:50:25 GMT

Well, I've been up since 4am and I have to be at uni for 9. Between that I need to get Tyler fed, washed and dressed and to footsteps.

I feel a few different things about my life at the moment. I'm hopeful, I have so many aspirations for the future and I'm determined to achieve them. I'm slightly apathetic about uni though. At first I hated it, hated the place, wasn't keen on my classmates and was uncomfortable around the lecturers. Now things are a bit better, good days and bad days, but I need to keep my head down and stick in. Of course, as I'm really hopeful about the future, I'm also quite anxious. The though "what if it doesn't work out?" is niggling away at the back of my mind constantly.

In my time at uni so far, I have not gave it my all. I've been skiving way too much and explode into a massive ball of stress at the drop of a hat. All it takes is my bus to be really early so I miss it, or really late, to fuck up my day and then any hopes of giving it 100%, are gone. Stress makes it harder to concentrate. The transport is a massive factor affecting my attendance and stress levels, so much so, I've been taking driving lessons since last April and gonna do my test soon. I'd better fucking pass it because the thought of taking the bus for second year fills me with dread. Its fucking ridiculous that I have to leave my house 1 hour before I'm due in anyway. When I have a car, I hope that will be one weight off my shoulders.

The workload isn't too bad (although I do spend a LOT more time procrastinating and whining about the work on Facebook than I do actually doing the work) and for the professional skills module I'm getting a lot of Cs and Bs, for my biochemistry prelab report I got 75% (equivalent to a first, motherfucker!) and for other assignments I've done, well, there's an issue. We submitted our bioinformatics assignment, for the biodiversity and evolution module, in December. We were told to expect to see our feedback by the end of January, well... It's now the middle of March FFS. 13 weeks since we submitted the work, uni policy does state that we will always receive feedback with 4 weeks of submission. Bullshit obviously. And now the same thing is happening with an essay submitted for Cell biology & Microbiology on February 10th. So I don't really know how I'm doing, whether I'm doing well or not, at the moment.

I'm not going to point fingers, blame or criticise anyone because I don't want to get into trouble, but this is an issue and myself and a lot of my classmates are understandably pissed off. How much longer is this going to continue for? Do you think we might see some feedback before the beginning of April? I doubt it.

So yeah, I deffo have mixed feelings about uni at the moment and I hope I'll be much more positive in my second year. It just seems a bit of a farce at present.

stuff .... how it is lately

loopylinz — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 02:16:16 GMT

I'm just feeling a bit sad, in fact I'm crying. It's this time of year I find hard to deal with, as I know anniversaries are meaningless really but it doesnt stop me thinking and remembering what happened. I often wonder if anyone else does or if it is just me. People dont like me to talk about it, and never have, even within weeks of what happened, except for a very tiny minority.

So, in just under two weeks it will be the five year anniversary of when the man who was my partner, hung himself in my bedroom whilst I slept. This time its different to all the others, because April 6th 2007 was a Friday, and Good Friday at that. It was the actual worst day of my life. This year, April 6th falls on Good Friday once again and this makes me feel uneasy, I dont know why, it just does.

I still even today think about what happened and think if one detail had been different, maybe it wouldnt have happened and Andy would still be here, alive. Maybe he'd have done it another time, I dont know. What if's are no good to anyone I know, it happened, its over and the past is done. But even though I believe I have let go and moved on, this thing is always there. I'll be randomly living my life on a sunny spring day when memories of that day rear their ugly heads and they feel like it was yesterday. Sometimes they are of an overwhelming intensity.

Back then, in the immediate aftermath, there was a lot of untruths, chinese whispers and shit-talking behind my back. Someone even called me a murderer, though apparently in jest. I dont find it very fucking funny. People who I thought were friends fucked me over in a spectacular fashion and I did end up on a downward spiral. Someone said I didnt care that Andy was dead, I was just using it as an excuse to garner sympathy. This infuriated me, and I went from an already raging fire to something constantly exploding and self destruction. I think those responsible did hang their heads in shame when I finally confronted them about it, and so they should have.

The rumours were that I'd been unfaithful and thats what caused Andy to kill himself. That most definitely wasnt true and people should have known that considering that in the months leading up to Andy's death, I was never out of his sight for more than a minute. He'd sit in the bathroom whilst I was taking a bath for fuck sake, how could I have cheated? Also people said that I had told Andy to go hang himself. Whilst this is not true, there is a small grain of truth in it that, when he threatened, I didnt believe him and said something to the sound of "Whatever, I dont care what you do, I'm going to sleep because I am knackered" I dont remember all of the details because we were both very, very drunk but I know now that its not really my fault as NOBODY can make a person commit suicide. When someone does it, whether sober and of sound mind or not, they do it themselves.

His family have believed these rumours, probably on purpose because naturally they'd be looking for someone to blame. Me. I spent a long time being absolutely desperate for forgiveness from their family, I believed it would stop all the guilt I felt. I once said to his Mother that I am sorry but truth is, I'm not, not to them anyway, and fuck the forgiveness, I dont need it. I'm very sorry to Andy and always will be. But I'll never be sorry to them and they are hypocrites, they get nothing but contempt and a middle finger from me. As I've gotten older and wiser, I have realised that they have as much blood on their hands as I do on mine. Andy once told me they didnt care about him, they treated him like an outsider and rarely contacted him. I'm not sure how true this is as I know he started texting his mam and brother a few weeks before he died. Still, their relationships weren't very good and Andy regularly voiced his insecurities to me about his family. Thats why I find them blaming me hypocritical. They know it too but would never admit it.

All these different things I had to contend with actually very nearly did kill me. There were times I nearly bled to death because of how bad it got. Though a lot of the people I've spoke of deserved a huge FUCK YOU, there are people who I probably quite literally owe my life to. I will always appreciate everything they did for me. There a very special three who I'd like to mention because I'd like them to know how much I appreciated everything they did for me. Annmarie Ruddock, Jo Blair and Sian Healey. You guys were fucking awesome. Cant believe it I'm full of tears again now lol.

After that trip to hell and back, life took a U turn in September 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. That changed everything and I started to live again. I honestly dont believe I'd have made it without the three aforementioned people and the news that I was going to be a mother. Tyler was born in May 2009 and after a turbulent first year, a slightly less difficult second year, things now are finally as they should be. I look at Tyler and see how precious life is, I am so glad I'm here. The love I have for my son is stronger than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I guess I've wrote this because everybody already knows I am happy and succeeding in life of late, but I'd like to make it known that I really, really cant forget Andy.

It will always be there, the horrible memories of what happened and memories of the nice times I had with Andy. People should not for one second assume I'm not going to mention him ever, because Andy, and what happened, the good and the bad will always be a part of my life. Life isnt supposed to be perfect and I cant just snip the bad stuff out and pretend it never happened. In a perfect world I would be able to forget, and sometimes I wish for that, but here we are in our not so perfect world and so I will accept that.

loopylinz — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:34:53 GMT

Lying awake worrying. So somewhere, somehow, I've been put in a fucking horrible situation where, somewhere along the line, I am gonna have to betray someone. The situation it is, I can't not betray one without betraying the other. I have decided to step away completely but it is not that easy. Once you know something, you can choose to ignore it but you can't choose to un-know it. Thing is, it's gonna all surface one day and the fallout is not gonna be pleasant.

I'm quite sure people suspect I know something, even though other people know more than me, I know minor details of this "thing I know" and nothing else, other people know because they've heard it from the horses mouth, not me. Why would I run my mouth without knowing all the facts? I can't really talk to anyone because I don't know who knows what and I refuse to have any complicity in shitstirring and Chinese whispers. Hence why I'm not vocalising any of these worries on Facebook, the media I normally use to get things off my chest.

I'm quite sad. I just want everyone and everything to be ok. I don't want anybody to get hurt but I think it may be likely. I feel I'm in this alone and completely powerless. I don't want people to fight and I don't want to lose any friends just because I know a very basic piece of information. This is what I'm worrying about, not just me, but other people's relationships being destroyed and people getting hurt, but I feel that it's inevitable. I love my friends and I don't believe anyone is to blame and this is just one of them shitty things about life but fuck it's driving me mad :(

loopylinz — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 15:00:03 GMT

So, er ... hi? is anyone still here?

wanna shock? I've quit Facebook for a while bahahaha, how weird is that? Maybe I relied on Facebook too much for self expression. It's way too easy to get your feelings out on facebook, and that goes for me, and other people. Friday night was harsh. One small incident between me and Steve at Gems house sparked a fucking stupid reaction on Facebook. Insults were thrown and I was hurt. I was pretty reasonable and did not attack anyone, just defended myself from all the ridiculous things they were saying.

So, I was pissed off coz Steve went to go out to persecution and I wanted to stay in. But he said he didnt care what I was doing, he was going out regardless. I dont see enough of him as it is. We normally spend Thursday and Friday nights together. I was really upset that he didn't want to be with me on Friday, so I had a bit of a fanny fit, that probably warranted someone to say "Jesus Linz calm down!" that would have been a fair reaction. The reaction I got was much worse. Gem started on the comments on Facebook saying I was selfish and a bad mother etc, does she not think I've had enough of that shit to deal with? I've fought tooth and nail been to hell and back to get my son back home with me. This to me was bad enough, how fucking stupid? All this from a tiny incident?

As if Gem wasnt harsh enough, for some god unknown reason, Sarah had to stick the boot in aswell. She was just plain abusive, bringing up shit that should not be mentioned on Facebook, and did not have one valid point to make. Her comments were founded from ignorance. She honestly didnt have a clue. What she was saying was very upsetting. And she managed to turn it around to make herself look like the victim, like she always does. One of the worst things she said was "when you put depressed statuses up it just makes you look shit" WHAT THE FUCK?!? Ok fair enough the girl hasn't had an easy life but she does not have a clue about what depression is, how much it can take over your life. How dare she comment like that on something she couldnt even BEGIN to understand?

Sarah's definition of depressed is anything vaguely intelligent or complex, stuff that she doesnt understand. Anything thats not "I've been here there everywhere else today and I'm gonna do this, this and this" or "I've just bought broccoli LOL" is a depressed status update for her. Then there's the accusations of attention seeking and me "looking for attention off people who dont know what I'm like" like what exactly? that comment is totally lost on me. I look to people who I know are informed enough to deal with what I'm saying, who are perfectly happy for me to have a whinge (which is something we all must do) and them to have a whinge to me in return. Everyone bitches about life. That to me isnt attention seeking. So whatever Sarah, grow the fuck up.

So I defended myself as anyone would. There was no need for all flaming I got off Gem and Sarah. It was not reasonable. My replies did not attack personally, I just fought my corner, I'm not going to sit back and let people put me down, bring up incidents from the past, portray me to be fucking satan incarnate and talk down to me. It's not happening. I dont fucking like bullies. I'm still angry and hurt about what went on which is why I've deleted facebook for the time being.

Today I've been told that Jodi has been inboxing Sarah, commending her for "standing up to me". FUCKING STANDING UP TO ME? like I'm the bully? She did not have anything to stand up to, what a load of fucking bollocks. I wasnt abusing anyone, I was the one that was being abused, with it being thinly disguised as an attempt to take the moral highground. So anyone who supports the disgusting things Sarah said to me on Facebook is a FUCKING IDIOT. I cant see how anyone could find her comments appropriate.

The other thing Sarah has said is that she gets "evil looks off lots of people in midian as she [me] does spread it around about me for attention off them" Christ! Sarah! what the fuck are you on about? Spread what around exactly? Paranoid much? Get over yourself. I have better things to do than go around talking about you (this LJ entry not included!) I'm just utterly confused and disheartened about everything thats been said about me. Seems to be a bit of bandwagon mentality going on aswell, like slagging me off is the in thing. I was never bad to Sarah, I always stuck up for her if Sue was being horrible to her, and even when she'd said Cheryl was being horrible to her (who Sarah rarely has a good word to say about) I learnt that was not all as one sided as Sarah makes out to people anyway. So why has she done this to me? I'm so confused.

I'm fucking done with backstabbers. I cant believe I've been mistreated this badly over such a trivial little thing. I dont trust many people as it is so I think I'm just gonna keep away for a while. I'm gonna take control and weed all the backstabbers OUT OF MY LIFE.

In other news Tylers absolutely fine and he's thriving, he's doing so well, and not one person on this planet can dispute that. I have the court order to prove I'm a fit parent and that is the end of it. No questions asked. I suppose my life cunts will come in and out of my life but nevermind, that's life. It's time to move on.

loopylinz — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 19:26:39 GMT

I've not been on here in a very long time. There's been a lot happen since. Such testing times. If you know me well enough you'll know the whole situation and the extent it has got to. I'm npt gonna go into how I feel about it, because it's extremely exhausting to go through let alone talk about.

I believe in karma and I believe Chris will one day get what he deserves. Tyler will be with me soon, and we can make a start on the rest of our lives. I love him so much and his so called father will never take him away from me.

Before I die of shame ...

loopylinz — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 17:52:15 GMT

Dont read any of this if you dont wanna read a load of self absorbed crap.

I had a message of said Family member. It wasn't good or bad. It was objective. Better than the tirade of abuse I was expecting anyway. I feel like I've had some closure. It is still horrific to me that I drew the attention to myself in the first place.

I dont know why I did it, yes I was curious and testing her out, but maybe there's summat underlying. I dont know. I'd like as many people as possible to know that after all the self destruction, I survived in the end. Maybe that was also motivation. Maybe I was seeking forgiveness. But I dont feel like I need to be forgiven. Not by them anyway. I feel I need to be forgiven by me.

So now I have a plan for my future. Starting with asking for a higher dosage of pills. These aren't working as I'd like the cunts to, I dont feel they're doing enough for me.

Catherine (mental health worker) is coming on Thursday. I'm gonna ask if I can start the Talking Therapy and CBT, to get me out of the rut I've been horribly stuck in for the past two years (baby or not) I want a job and a normal life. Not this shit. I want to be able to look back and not care, not feel any guilt or shame. Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why not me?

And also, gonna quit drinking. It leads to NOTHING but trouble. I become capable of all sorts of stupid shit, have no self control. I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life when I was pregnant. It's not just about Tyler, it's about me too. I felt safe from myself. Now it's just back to how it was only this time I dont actively go seeking to hurt myself. I just do it along the way unintentionally. I need all the support I can get, this is a big thing but I think it's for the absolute best.

I've betrayed friends and hurt myself all because of stupid alcohol. Right now I still feel nothing but disgust and contempt for myself. So dirty and shameful. I hope in time, I get better, and who knows maybe even love myself one day, I just know that that day is a long way away.

and for cheering me up

loopylinz — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:43:21 GMT

and now I've found this to cheer me up lol. Me and my sister Sam are equally as obsessed with him as each other. We've said we're gonna get his face tattooed on our arses. A picture of him as the doctor, coz he's the best doctor ever (however I am biased lol) on our arse cheeks.
I would do unspeakable things to this man ;)

OH NOOOOOOO!

loopylinz — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:25:12 GMT

Oh fuck! Maybe I should stop drinking.

So I had a reasonably good night on Friday. Then I got home, and naturally, went on Facebook. I should have learnt my lesson a long time ago doing social networking sites when drunk is a BAD IDEA.

So you get this little box with "People you may know in it" and a fucking relative of Andy's come up in it, I dont know why coz there's only one friend in common anyways. But SILLY FUCKING ME CLICKS "Add as Friend" Mainly out of curiousity and just to test out if she would accept it or not. Haha she didn't. I'm hardly surprised lol.

But I feel stupidly embarrassed, a second after I clicked it I shouted "NOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" you cant UN-REQUEST someone once you've done it, there's no undoing it. Shit. I wasw meant to fade into obscurity forever as far as that family is concerned. Never EVER to be heard of again. And now I've just drew attention to myself again.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I miss being pregnant as blatently it was the only time in my life when I had any self control. Don't tell me not to beat myself up about this, or dwell on it. I cant help it I'm fuming. Alcohol is bad. I'm a naughty girl, an idiot, undignified and totally and utterly shameless (ok that statement is a bit redundant considering I'm here now expressing how ashamed I am) so yes there's some pretty powerful self hatred running through my veins at this moment.

huh?

loopylinz — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 16:31:44 GMT

I've not been interested in updating lately. I've just not had the time or the motivation, I 've been a lot busier with the house and stuff, had loads of appointments but I dont feel I've actually achieved anything. I feel kind of like "stuck" in some weirdness. I'm not depressed. Then I am. Then I'm not. Then I am. Then I'm not.

It's great that I can function normally while Tylers up and awake, because my mind is occupied, but as soon as he's sleeping and not in front of me, I crumble into a bit of a mess. I'm enjoying motherhood so much, there's not one aspect of it that I dont like. But soon as I'm doing something that's not related to looking after Tyler, I'm just finding myself struggling.

I've had some disturbing dreams lately, about suicide and death, dead bodies etc. And re-living the things that already happened, the absolute WORST THINGS! It's fucking shit why cant it all just go away? I'm meant to be seeing someone for this, so where the fuck are they?

I'm incredibly anxious as well. I dunno whats going on. I probably should phone the doctors and yell at them, as everytime I ring the prescriptions line, it's busy, so I cant get a repeat prescription for my much needed tablets. I'm very annoyed because that is probably the reason why I'm feeling like this. I will go down to the doctors surgery and order them face to face seem as the prescriptions line is a load of fucking rubbish.

I hope I'll be OK. I have no choice not to be. There is no alternative, I'm a mother and I need to be healthy for my son and that includes mentally. So my plan, go order the tablets face to face, make sure next time I dont run out before I get some more. Stupid phone line though what a load of shite.

loopylinz — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 23:28:50 GMT

I went to the gym today :D

I'm quite happy about it, I did the steppy thing, the treadmills, and the bike. On the bike proper went for it and did 6km in 15 minutes. After that I was exhausted and covered in sweat, so I thought I'd call it a day at that because I started feeling dizzy. Now I can't sleep because it's red hot and I can't get comfortable. I'm just not managing to get much sleep at all lately.

Tyler had his first injections today too, he screamed. But it was only for 5 minutes then he forgot all about it anyway.

loopylinz — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:44:26 GMT

Urgh! I'm proper spaced out and all zombie-like at the moment.

So eventhough I had the tablets for a while, I delayed taking them, until last week, I started them Thursday. This time I'm experiencing some heavy side effects but it's strange because I never used to. My mouth is constantly dry, TMI but any tiny bit of sex drive I had left has vanished, I'm very tired and I keep feeling sick as if I'm pregnant again (I MOST DEFINITELY AM NOT!) and the most minging thing on the list is excessive sweating.

I've been sweating like a twat for days, then we went out to the park today and it was dripping off me. It's rank. I hope it goes away, I must have looked like a right scruffy cunt today :(

I think they are working though, but at a price. I feel distant from the "real world" like I'm in another world completely that only exists in my head. I'm like miles away and all zoned out and stuff. I'm scared I dont have control of my own mind but in actual fact I probably have more control when I'm on the meds. I guess if this is what it takes to make me better then so be it.

OWWWWW!

loopylinz — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:30:34 GMT

There are gonna be tears today. That thing that visits once a month is back baby! And it's fucking excruciating. Speshly on the C-section site. It's quite bad, and this is just the start so I know it's gonna get worse, I just feel like crying. This is worse than being pregnant, I dont think pregnant birds realise how easy they've got it. Whats a bit of sickness and heartburn and a few aches and pains when we normal people have to put up with this every month?

loopylinz — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:17:39 GMT

I just changed my LJ profile. So now no more of my online profiles focus on *THAT* mistake someone else made that fucked my life up so badly. I've just taken another big step further away from the past, and another towards the future :)

excited but kinda panicked at the same time

loopylinz — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:56:47 GMT

The bar has just been raised. Anyone who knows anything about me growing up knows I always had some insecurities about our Hayley always doing better than me at everything, started off when we were kids she always seemed to get more praise than me. Well, She's raised the stakes yet again. I'm gonna have to achieve world peace or summat if I wanna top this.

I was the fucked up one with the behavioural difficulties, seeing the child and adolescent mental health team at North Tees and all the rest of it. In simple terms I was just a fucking useless crap kid who struggled with everything and achieved nothing. Hayley on the other hand seemed to be naturally awesome at everything (well, except athletics, that one was ALL MIIIINE!) she taught herself to play the keyboard (properly) and the family always banged on about how amazing she is. They never mentioned that I was a really good runner, I never got any praise for it ... "anyone can run" and all that. I came out of school with 2 Cs, and the rest Fs, Gs and Us, out of 10 GCSEs, through no fault of my own. A lot was going on at that time for me, so I wont accept the blame for that particular failiure, I tried my best. But our Hayley went out drinking with her mates, didn't revise and you guessed it, came out with As and Bs. This is why nowadays I have a big inferiority complex with it all.

So we grew up, I was 17 when I left the family home, went through an awful lot of terrible things and nearly didn't make it, then Tyler came along and gave me a reason to pull through. So I turned my life around and now Tyler is the best thing that ever happened to me. Hayley got up the duff at 17, had Marshall, then went straight to uni, succeeded IMMENSELY, and now she juggles being a cop (yes a REAL policewoman) with being a mam to Marshall and still at uni. That's pretty fucking awesome really isn't it, she should be proud of herself, she amazes me. And NOW, JUST TO BE EXTRA AWESOME SHE'S UP THE DUFF AGAIN!!!

I'm really happy and excited, proper over the moon. But she's made it more difficult for me to catch up to her. How can I ever be as good as she is? I mean come on, I'm not being greedy coz its not like I wanna be BETTER than her, I just want to be AS GOOD AS.

Ok, so she hasn't faced half the problems in her life that I have in mine, and I put my best into everything I do nowadays, but it's not good enough, my best is fucking lame compared to what she can do. I hope this isn't coming across wrong, coz I know being a mother is an amazing thing to be, I'm loving every minute of it, but being a mother, a cop, studying for a degree, AND pregnant - she's fucking superwoman. She's more amazing than I could ever dream of being. I dont feel particularly jealous, thats never what it's been about but I just wish I could acheive that much all at once. Mam says I make her proud because I survived in the end, but that's naff, it doesnt make me anything special but Hayley is. I need to do summat really amazing on top of being a mother and show the world I can kick ass too.

a very dark post.

loopylinz — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 21:46:34 GMT

GRRRRR!

Why's he not dead yet? He was meant to only have six weeks left and that was when I'd just found out I was pregnant. So as you can see, it's been longer than fucking six weeks.

If I knew for 100% sure that I'd get away with it, I would go and kill him myself. And I'm deadly serious. I've never wanted anyone to die so much in all my life.

How is it you can say, without meaning it, to someone you love in a fit of rage, that you don't care whether they die or not, and they end up dying not long after you've said it, but you can truly loathe someone and wake up everyday hoping that day is gonna be the day they're carried away in a zipped-up black bag, and it just doesn't happen? I'm sick of waiting.

So, it probably makes me a bad person for wishing death upon someone but I dont care, I'm not gonna pussy foot around the sore subject that is death. When someones mere existance, even without the abuse, taunts you, gets under your skin so much, you kinda start to welcome their demise with open arms.

Meh, the council are shit. I'm gonna save as much cash as possible for a bond, first months rent, admin fees, then get the fuck out of here. I cannot take much more, I actually feel homicidal and in my mind it's a very dark place to be in. Everyone's got it in them, but with most people these feelings never surface. I've been pushed to the point where mine have.

:(

loopylinz — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:48:32 GMT

I'm very unhappy today. Not arsed about Jacko dying or out, I'm sad about my own problems.

So some cunt put a film of my sister being bullied and in a fight on Youtube, and the little cunts are all laughing and saying she pissed herself (she didnt, but she was wearing them weird jeans where they're light and dark patchy) and its made me so fucking angry. I felt homicidal. I wanted to cause the scummy minging chavvy cunts some serious pain. Amy takes it all on the chin in the video she's just like "yeah whatever fuck off" water off a ducks back to her, hit back at one point, but we're all fuming, cant help it. Cant believe them little bastards got away with shit like that. It reminded me of being bullied myself and feeling so angry I would have stopped at nothing to get revenge on the people who did it. So my own demons kinda came back to me, hence why I feel so angry to see this.

Then I went to the doctors for my 6 weeks check. It all went ok until it didn't. I said that I'm scared of getting pregnant again and would like some contraception. The doctor suggested the pill and I was cool with that until I found out that my BMI is just over the recommended level for the normal pill. In other words, I'M A FAT CUNT. So he's gave me the mini pill. Fuck it, I'm not taking it at all, what so I'll get even fatter? Never having sex again until I go back down til my normal weight. And if it doesnt go down then I never will at all.

I know I'm gonna get whinged at for this but I've pretty much starved myself for two weeks now, for NOTHING! Its not like I haven't eaten anything, had a couple of biscuits everyday and that should be enough to keep me going. I dont wanna hear nout about eating healthy and exercise, I already know. I did all that while I was pregnant and look what happened, I put weight on. Starvation is my own tried and tested method, it's what I used to do to lose weight and it worked for me then so why fix what isnt broken?

I'm so angry and fucked up now, really need a way of releasing it, like get it out of my system. I feel awful to say that the thought of hurting myself did cross my mind initially. So now I'm even angrier at myself. How dare I think like that when I have my son to think about? I can't believe the idea popped into my head for even a second. So now my days just gotten worse. I'm scared I'm gonna get so angry that I lose control, and you know, not know what I'm doing.

On the other hand I guess people cant expect me to constantly be smiling just because I have a gorgeous baby. Nobody is like that, everyone has things that gets them down and upsets them. Well this is it. What am I supposed to do to vent my frustration now? I wanna damage something but I know I cant damage myself. I wanna kick the shit out of summat or even someone, find someone who's caused me pain in the past and tear their limbs off with my bear hands. I dunno, think I might have anger problems.

loopylinz — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:56:25 GMT

Ah that last post has a proper big arse response. Well I guess he was only trying to help and give advice but I hope you guys all do know that I'm not stupid enough to take anything that hasn't been prescribed by the doctor anyway, I've not bothered to look at the website because I'm not really intersted but anyway its no biggie.

AAAAAARGH!

loopylinz — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:17:39 GMT

Somebody help me! Phone me or come round I dunno whatever just take my mind off this pain under my scar. It's fucking agony, I was just focusing on Tyler but now he's asleep so there's nothing much I can do.

I'm climbing the fucking walls, this is doing my head in. I feel slightly unhinged today as it is. I dont like the look of my mental health at the moment so I'm caving in and going back on the tablets. I suppose its better for Tyler to have a happy mam who takes tablets rather than a sad mam who doesnt. My pride is a bit dented but I know it's gonna have to be done.

Tyler 1 month old.

loopylinz — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:17:56 GMT

Tyler is one month old today. He was 8lb15oz on Wednesday, which is perfectly ok, but he is growing very fast. He's still really cute as well, Chris has said he's seen him smile but I haven't yet. It could have been wind anyway. I took him in Campus on Thursday, and as he'd already pooped just before we went out I didn't think he would shit again for a while.

But I was very wrong. And this one was messy, it got absolutely EVERYWHERE, and I didn't bring the poor kid any spare clothes so he had to make do with the spare clothes Campus put out on the baby changing thing in the toilets. All we could find that wasn't really dirty was a tiny white babygro, and a vest that was a bit small, so we put the vest on him and Annlou cut the feet off the babygro so he coiuld wear it. He looked funny as he looked like a baby hobo with a raggy sleepsuit on lol.

I really enjoy being a mam, and it's not that hard once you get used to it. I just need to remember things when we go out like spare clothes and other random stuff. I got shouted at and told I need to be more organised. This coming from someone who's never had a child so they dont know that having a new baby is so hectic your heads stuffed up your arse half the time and smalls mistakes can be made.

Me myself, without Tyler, is not so good still. I dont understand why its taking so long to recover, and now on top of the healing and pain around the scar, the site in my back where the epidural went aches all the time, from what I've read its a common thing. The midwife is still coming out, I dont think I should still be having that "baby blues" thing 4 weeks after having the baby. I have an appointment at the hospital to see two people who were in charge when Tyler was born, and they're gonna debrief me, like fill in the gaps, all the bits missing from my own version of events in hope that it's gonna make me feel better about how it turned out.

Then there's all my other issues still there, the ones I stupidly thought I would never think about again after Tyler was born *sigh* nevermind. I dont wanna talk about them, I have other things to think about.

loopylinz — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:52:08 GMT

I'm having a whinge, I dont feel all self pityful and sorry for myself really because I'm suoper happy with the outcome, I'm just mad at how things turned out and having a bit of a "Failiure" complex (which I've always had but this time its huge).

I still dont feel better. I've been having a couple of issues, stupid ones, that should not affect me the tiniest bit but they have managed to. In short, now that I've had time to think about it, I'm really pissed off that I had to have a caesarean section.

I would never have expected it in a million years, and when I was in hospital my mam told me not to worry, I probably wouldnt have one as no woman on her side of the family has ever had to have one. So I was 100% convinced it would never come to that. So the fact that I did have one has pissed on my parade big style. I'm still very much in shock.

I'm not just being silly, selfish maybe, but I'm not just being silly and childish. I know it shouldn't matter to me at all, because Tyler is here safe and healthy but I'm not joking when I say the entire experience has left me with some unresolved issues. I can't stop thinking about it and feeling sad, like I missed out. I didn't give birth properly did I?

Why does it disappoint me? I feel like a bit of a failiure. Can I do anything right? Not even fucking childbirth which is the one thing us humans should be able to do easily. Well, normal humans anyway. I must not be. Someone made a little joke last week saying I was "too posh to push" and eventhough they were just lightening the mood, I DID NOT FIND IT FUCKING FUNNY. It's a sore subject. I had to bite my tongue and pretend not to be upset. It's not like anyone can answer my questions like I'm always gonna wonder was it my fault? could it have been avoided?

I know a natural birth would have been just as hard work but I think it would have been a happier experience because I'd have done it myself, it would have all completely been MY hard work, not a bunch of doctors.

The other things thats pissing me off is that the scar still hurts all the time and it gets really sore if my trousers press on it, for fuck sake as if the stitches still havent fully dissolved, Shouldn't it all be healed by now? I have to wear these FUCKING STUPID sock things to stop me getting blood clots, I dont even know why there's a risk even at this point, the operation was three weeks ago. They're really itchy, tight and irritating, I have to wear the fuckers for 6 friggin weeks.

I still have the midwife coming out but I've not told her any of this. It's probably best I dont cause I'm just being selfish and idealistic, but I might need some support of some sort to get over the shock, so I'm maybe I should. I'm trying to be positive, I got the best thing ever, I love him so much, I am very happy but its just shit that everytime I think about the birth I feel sad and even a bit robbed. I'm hoping that maybe this is a common thing or just down to hormones, I would be relieved if it was.

oh for fuck sake NOT NOW!!!!

loopylinz — Fri, 29 May 2009 09:29:36 GMT

I'm actually gonna open up and stop pretending everythings ok now.

I've spoken to the doctor. Things aren't good. And I feel really guilty and angry at myself. I should be on the ceiling with happiness right now, I've just had a baby and he's amazing.

I've been feeling realy depressed and numb for the past week. It's probably hormonal isn't it? I dunno. The doctor has said it's hard to tell if this is just because I suffered from depression anyway or that some people get depressed after having a baby because of the drop in hormones, either way, it's serious and I can't ignore it.

Everytime I hold Tyler I feel really anxious and my stomach churns and I get really scared I'm gonna drop him or summat daft like that. And I can't stop crying. I dunno I just think I'm doing really shit. I've stopped looking after myself properly as in not getting washed and dressed and stuff. I still look after Tyler and give him everything he needs, I'm doing my best to be the best mother I can for him, but neglecting myself just coz I can't be arsed looking after myself, I've got more important people to look after.

Me and Chris are arguing more than ever and it's mostly my fault because my heads all fucked up and I just can't be bothered doing anything. I feel like I've failed now and guilty coz I should be happy, some people don't get this chance or they lose their babies or their babies are sick. So I just feel really selfish and horrible but I think I'd rather speak out about how I'm feeling rather than keep it in and let the problem get worse.

I've said I'd like to try and fight it and not resort to taking tablets to feel better, but judging by how I'm feeling currently, I'm probably going to go back to the anti-depressants if these feelings continue.

loopylinz — Mon, 25 May 2009 13:55:56 GMT

I had my little boy Tyler on the 14th May at 5.05pm weighing 6lb11oz.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was due to be induced at 3pm that day but got to established labour naturally the night before, after 3 days of pain in the early stages. It all went well until I reached 10cms dilated that afternoon. Then after that things didn't quite go to plan I've not really recovered yet, it takes several weeks. It's a long and interesting story, full of blood, gore, sweat, tears and puke.

So as I was saying, I'd been getting contractions for 3 days, went to see the midwife on the Tuesday, when I got the sweep and was booked in for induction Thursday afternoon at 3pm. Thing is the contractions were very irregular, until the Wednesday afternoon when they started coming in a strict pattern, lasting 40 seconds every 20 minutes. By the evening 7ish, they were every 12 minutes, me and Chris went to Asda where I insisted on squatting on the floor with every contraction lol how embarassing.

I got home that evening and had a hot bath (I actually can't stand hot baths, I like the water lukewarm) but I did it because I knew it would speed it up. By 10pm I was in bed, they were 7 mins apart, they were too painful to try and sleep so I just sat and timed them for 2 hours as they got closer together they were 5 minutes, I texted my mam for some advice. She said our Hayley was just finished her shift as a copper and told her to come to mine asap. Hayley turned up, I rang the hospital and we were off.

I was terrified I was gonna be told that I wasn't dilated enough and gonna be sent back home. But I got examined and they said I was 5cms, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Jodi turned up for a bit of support. Then I was like "Come on then bring on the painkillers" And got a shot of Diamorphine in my arse. It was fucking mint. I couldn't feel the contractions for a little while, and I felt like I was floating around the room like WEHEYYYY! proper awesome. I wasn't due another examination until 9:30 in the morning.

At the next examination I was 8cms dilated, only 2 more to go and I'd be ready! The diamorphine was wearing off, and I was in pain again. This time I was given a second shot of diamorphine and started the Gas and Air. It was mint. I think I caned it too much though to be honest, and I shared it with Chris and Jodi it was funny as. By the afternoon me Mam had turned up aswell, and this is where it all gets a bit fuzzy.

The pain was back, but the contractions had slowed down, Tylers heartbeat was going up and down, causing me to panic. I'd been feeling sick for a little while and borking, then I asked my mam if I could have a polo and she gave me one. Shit! That was a bad idea. I was borking again and Mam put the cardboard tub thingy under my mouth. I puked like never before, it was projectile, completely missing the tub and getting it allover Mam and even in the midwifes hair. Mortified much?

The whole thing was slowing down and Tylers heartbeat was still dipping, they had attached a clip to his scalp and kept putting a funnel thing in me to take blood samples from his head to check his oxygen levels. Because the contractions had slowed down I needed some of the Oxytocin drip. I was told this would make the contractions a lot more painful and advised to have an Epidural with it. I agreed to it and they got the anesthetist in. It was a more complicated proceedure than I thought and he even put the needle in the wrong place at first.

The contractions had speeded up anyway, and I was told I'd be ready to push at 3pm. I was proper fucked by now and kept falling asleep whilst they were trying to explain shit to me. So, it reached 3 and I was ready. And started pushing. They had me doing it for an hour, and Tyler did not descend one tiny little bit. He was NOT coming out. I knew all along I was pushing for nothing, and it's such hard work. Then they spent a little while deciding what to do when his heartbeat dropped as low as 28bpm. At that point my fate had pretty much been decided.

I was told "It's probably best you take out all them piercings, you need to go to theatre" Well that was it, I was a bit gutted. Not because of the piercings. Just because I was so sure I was going to have a natural birth with as little chemical intervention as possible. And it had become the complete opposite of that. Of course despite that, my priority was to get Tyler out safe and healthy. Then they put on these funny long sock things, that I have to keep on for 6 weeks, will stop me getting blood clots apparently.

There's a little gap in my memory from here, I just remember being in the operating theatre with Chris there wearing hospital scrubs. And there was a man spraying a cold spray on different points on my body asking if I can feel it. I was crying as well, coz I can remember the doctor asking why I was crying and me saying I didn't know. They put a big screen over my abdomen so I couldn't see what they were doing.

Then I felt all this crazy shit, loads of pulling and my insides moving allover the place. This went on for several minutes and then, there he was. My tiny lil boy. I remember thinking his umbilical cord looked like a turkey twizzler lol, eventhough it was white. I was crying again, I couldn't believe he was out. I shouted out "Why's he not crying?" panicing. Then he did cry and he was fine.

They weighed him and told us he was 6lb 11oz, I was a bit shocked coz I was expecting him to be bigger but he only looked tiny anyway. And he has a head of lovely BROWN hair! Chris had hold of him and brought him over, I couldn't hold him myself obviously, so Chris just showed him to me. I was still crying. Then Tyler decided to introduce himself to his daddy by doing a shite allover him lmao.

I really cant remember much from this point. I know a doctor injected this green shit into the drip in my hand and told me it may make me feel a bit sick. The next thing I remember is that I was all stitched up and they were just finishing up and I was fucking covered, down one side of me from top to bottom, in green vomit. And I sez to the doctor "Whats all this? Was I sick?" lol, his reply was a simple "Yes!" Oooh fuck. They cleaned me up anyway then took me to a special observation recovery room, where I was handed Tyler for the first time.

It wasn't great, I couldn't hold him properly because I looked like the back end of a PC tower full of tubes and wires and shit attached to me. I was still all amazed like woah he's awesome. I can't put into words what it felt like really but dont think Id be expected to anyway. I remember Tyler being put in a cot because I was starting to nod off again, then the next thing I was being wheeled back down to the labour ward again. It wasn't long til visiting hours anyway.

Loads of people turned up. I was still paralysed by the 2 epidurals, so I couldn't move much at all and suddenly it occurred to me - How was I managing to piss? *realization* PISS BAG!!! And I shouted out at the top of my voice "OH MY GOD HAVE I GOT A PISS BAG?" Then we were all looking around my bed for the piss bag, and we found it. I also had a drainage bag coming from the wound, a blood pressure cuff on that measured my blood every 5 fucking minutes, one of them pulse things on my finger that made the machine beep with every beat, oxygen tubes in my nose for some reason, and 3 different drips in my hand. When I actually noticed I said summat else out loud "Oh my god look at all this, I look a right cunt!"

Tyler wasn't with me much during the night. It was because I couldn't move, so I couldn't do much to feed him except squirt out milk into a little cup thing lol. I think I eventually got on my feet the next afternoon, had the piss bag and drainage bag taken out then was taken down to the post-natal ward. And that is where I spent the next 5 days.

The first days were really hard, Tyler was great mostly, fed well and everything but if things got a little bit to much the midwives would look after him for a little while. I was just very emotional, crying constantly. You spend so much time preparing yourself for this huge life changing thing but nothing really can prepare you, you will be blown away anyway. I cried everytime I looked at him just cause I couldn't believe it.

Just as I was getting ready to ask if I could go home yet, my low blood count came back to bite me in the arse. I got tested on the Monday morning, the results came back on the afternoon and showed that it had fell below 7 units, and its 10 - 12 units for a healthy person. I was told straight away I'd need a transfusion. I was thinking "URRRGH! YOU MEAN SOMEONE ELSES BLOOD?" but didn't say anything out loud because I knew they wouldn't be giving me the blood if I didn't need it and it's probably saved me from getting very ill or worse.

They got straight on with it anyway, gave me 2 units on Monday night, one unit is 250ml in a bag, put in through a drip. It's a good job I like needles and medical equipment or I'd probably have lost the plot. I felt better straight away and still had one to go on Tuesday morning. I was hoping to go home on Tuesday. It didn't happen unfortunately because there was no blood available until late afternoon apparently. So I had real hopes for Wednesday.

Wednesday morning, I was given another blood test to see if my blood count had gone up. I asked if I could go home after that and they said they couldn't see why not. Then later on I was told it wasn't going to be Wednesday. But when mam visited, I was that upset not to be going home, she persuaded them to let me out. And magically the blood test results appeared, blood count was fine, and the midwife came with my discharge forms. This was it, I was freeeeeeee!

I finally got out of hospital at 7pm Wednesday night. I was so happy to be out.

This first 10 days has been good but not at all easy. I love Tyler so much but I'm constantly worrying and crying a lot. It's like I've never wanted to protect anything so much in my life. It's scary. Now I'm fighting every fear and negative emotion with everything I've got, I still have these but nows the time that fighting them really counts. My life is finally worth summat and surviving through all that horrible SHIT that happened to me, was worth it. It might not have been a big deal to some, but I know I very nearly didn't make it. And now I'm so glad I did.

He's a strong baby and he's next to me now asleep, he's dead cute. How did an ugly cunt like me spawn summat so perfect? He must have his Dads hair, coz I know it isnt mine lol. But yeah he's a very cute baby, I could go on about how amazing he is for hours but I'll bore ya's.

Argh!

loopylinz — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:52:00 GMT

I've had contractions since Sunday. I know this is it, these are the real fucking deal. Last night they were absolutely crippling, I was in tears. And I lost that plug thing and been losing loads of show stuff all day today. Last night I knew I'd only end up disappointed so I just waited til the midwife appointment today to see what was going on. I got the sweep and it wasnt that bad. As if I laid there laughing while she did it. Tit.

It says in my notes I'm 1.5cm dilated. Shit! I couldn't believe it, and I was sat there thinking "WHAT?!? All that pain just to be a tiny bit dilated" I know that some women don't feel the early stages of dilation and some unlucky fuckers do. I'm an unlucky fucker as far as thats concerned. So I know this isn't established labour yet, but definitely in or bordering on the first stage.

I'm having a long slow one, as I knew I would. I know I cant be like this too much longer anyway so I'm hopeful it will speed up soon, it normally does anyway after the first 4cm.