clean read
Davina Philomena Kawuma
from: admin <permissions@communications.co.ug>
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date: 12 december 2073, 26.39pm (9 days ago)
subject: automatic reply: request for permission to use transcripts
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i am writing to inform you that the interview transcripts provided below have undergone substantial editing. the editing process included the removal of extraneous noises, false starts, grammatical errors, and uppercase letters (among other refinements). the primary objective was to improve clarity and readability, albeit at the cost of reducing length, so the transcripts can better serve their intended purpose.
i wish to emphasise the importance of exercising caution when incorporating information from these transcripts into your research. i strongly advise you not to copy content from these transcripts without careful consideration of the potential impact of the editing process on the tone of the original conversations, as well as its implications for the accuracy of your research report.
should you have any more questions or require additional information, please do not hesitate to reach out.
best,
ursula.
*
#1
our ref: 62344
name of applicant: akuguzibwe asparagus (“51270”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 02 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: please state your full name and occupation for the record.
51270: akuguzibwe asparagus. waitress.
URLA: was asparagus assigned to you at birth?
51270: [insert laughter] funny story. my mam never went to school. for a long time, she only knew bits and pieces of english. she picked up more as she got older – taught herself, really – but when she had me, she was only 14, and “asparagus” was probably the fanciest word she knew.
URLA: what part of that story is funny?
51270: lol. never mind.
URLA: in reviewing your application, we noticed there’s no mention of your father. could you elaborate on the nature of your relationship with him?
51270: i’ve never met my dad, but i hear he was an asshole.
URLA: she said disapprovingly.
51270: do you know anyone who approves of assholes? because i don’t.
URLA: [insert chuckling] we gather you’ve met quite the number of assholes while waitressing.
51270: occupational hazard. i don’t sweat it.
URLA: how long have you been a waitress?
51270: since i was 21. that’s when i dropped out of uni to help my mam look after my little sisters.
URLA: you attended university?
51270: lol. that’s what i just said. i was in uni until i wasn’t.
URLA: what were you studying before you made the decision to leave?
51270: finance and accounting.
URLA: that’s a rigorous field. had you completed your studies, you would have gained expertise in managing money, which would have prevented your current financial records from being as concerning as they are.
51270: sons of man, this year has been super tough! but the man of god said things will get better.
URLA: you’re referring to pastor phinehas?
51270: word.
URLA: you two share a close bond.
51270: as so. he’s basically my spiritual father.
URLA: did pastor phinehas’ spiritual guidance play a role in your decision to apply?
51270: nope. was dreaming of having a baby long before i met the man of god. i’ve always wanted a mini me, lol.
URLA: for the record, is your primary reason for requesting authorisation to bear a child solely based on a lifelong desire to bear a child?
51270: nah, there’s more to it than that.
URLA: would you care to elucidate the additional reasons?
51270: for starters, i know i’ll be an awesome mam!
URLA: what led you to such knowledge?
51270: what do you mean?
URLA: what factors have contributed to your conviction that you will excel in the role of a mother?
51270: i’ve basically been a mam my whole life. duh? i quit my degree to make sure there was food on the table for my sisters to eat, remember? if that isn’t self-sacrifice then i don’t know what is!
URLA: you are asserting that your experience as a surrogate mother to your siblings directly correlates to your potential competency as a mother to your own, as yet unborn, child. is this an accurate summation?
51270: lol. you just keep repeating what i say. what’s up with that?
URLA: setting aside our method of clarification, we would also like to know if you regularly consult the government gazette for updates on child-rearing policies and regulations. have you familiarised yourself with the latest guidelines and financial implications of raising a child, especially the average costs involved?
51270: lol. i work a twelve-hour shift. you think i have time to read some government paper? and costs? come on, seriously?
URLA: consider this: your current income is insufficient to meet your needs. how do you then propose to shoulder the additional financial responsibilities that come with raising a child?
51270: god will make a way.
URLA: is this the same god who, until now, hasn’t altered your situation, or are you talking about a different one?
51270: look, god’s been a bit upset with me for a while because of some shit i did back in the day. but i’ve changed. i go to confession every friday. if i keep this up for the next nine months, god will come through for me.
URLA: thank you for your time, ms asparagus.
51270: wait! has the meeting ended?
URLA: this wasn’t a meeting. this was an interview. and, yes, we have covered all necessary ground.
51270: but you haven’t even looked at the documents i gave you!
URLA: we have copies of your documents.
51270: [insert loud, incoherent response]
URLA: kindly make room for the next applicant, ms asparagus.
51270: [insert loud, incoherent response]
URLA: [redacted]
51270: [redacted]
URLA: command centre, this is romeo lima alpha, requesting support for the orderly removal of a very disorderly ms asparagus from the premises.
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#2
our ref: 62345
name of applicant: olive keronyai (“24254”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 03 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: let it be understood that honesty in this interview is not merely encouraged but required. rest assured that multiple methods are at our disposal to corroborate the veracity of the information you provide. you are legally bound by oath, the violation of which carries severe consequences.
24254: i’m fully aware of the oath i’ve undertaken and the consequences of breaching it. i understand the gravity of this interview and the importance of honesty. i’m committed to providing accurate and truthful information.
URLA: in your application, you indicated a desire for 30 children. do you maintain this number as your goal?
24254: yes, 30 children is still my goal.
URLA: why so many?
24254: our current birth rates are exceptionally low, unlike anything we’ve seen before! i’m eager to contribute to the continuity of our species!
URLA: at 39?
24254: i had the foresight to save all my eggs. i now await their fertilisation and subsequent implantation into surrogate carriers.
URLA: why did you defer this process until now?
24254: i was waiting for the right partner with whom to start a family.
URLA: and have you found such a person?
24254: yes. james is wonderful with children.
URLA: james? the same individual who broke your jaw and severed your left hand?
24254: his actions in those instances are separate from his abilities as a father!
URLA: your relationship with james has lasted four months and two and a half days. in this time frame, there have been at least five physical altercations between you two, all of which were only resolved when your neighbours intervened by contacting the police.
24254: as i mentioned earlier, those incidents are unrelated to james’ capabilities as a parent! he’s exceptionally good with kids! you should see him with my nieces!
URLA: notwithstanding, our evaluation also considers the environment in which a child will be raised. a history of violence, particularly domestic, is an important factor in our assessment. can you elaborate on how you plan to ensure a violence-free environment for 30 children?
24254: the plan is for the children to live with surrogate carriers until they can fight back.
URLA: given your advanced age and business commitments, how do you plan to address the challenges associated with raising multiple children simultaneously?
24254: my business allows me the flexibility to manage my time effectively. i also have a wonderful, dedicated support system involving a team of nannies and private tutors. as you can see, i’m fully prepared for the responsibility of raising children.
URLA: thank you for your responses.
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#3
our ref: 62346
name of applicant: rosemary newman (“75509”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 04 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: how would you like us to refer to you?
75509: mrs newman is fine.
URLA: mrs newman, how long have you been married?
75509: almost five years. i’m looking forward to celebrating our anniversary next week. five years is a milestone! many couples we know separated within the first three years.
URLA: we understand there was a period last year when you and your husband had a trial separation.
75509: we’ve faced our share of ups and downs, but these are common in long-term, committed relationships. we’re working through our issues and continuing to strengthen our bond.
URLA: and you believe the addition of a child will further strengthen your bond?
75509: having a child has been a long standing desire of my husband’s.
URLA: what about your own desires, mrs newman? you don’t state explicitly in your application that you want a child.
75509: my primary goal is to have a husband who is contented. happy husband, happy marriage!
URLA: that’s a considerate response, mrs newman, but it doesn’t directly address your feelings about children.
75509: my husband’s happiness is my happiness. his wish is my command.
URLA: [insert throat-clearing] mrs newman, are you familiar with the term “vasectomy”?
75509: i think it has something to do with removing sperm.
URLA: a vasectomy is a surgical procedure that involves either removing or blocking a portion of the vas deferens, the tube that carries sperm.
75509: [insert laughter] my guess wasn’t too far off.
URLA: a vasectomy prevents sperm from entering semen. any sperm produced after a vasectomy is reabsorbed into the body.
75509: interesting, but what has any of that got to do with me?
URLA: [insert more throat-clearing] mrs newman, are you aware that your husband had a vasectomy when he turned 18?
75509: [insert silence]
URLA: your husband can’t have children, mrs newman. he never wanted children.
75509: [insert silence]
URLA: mrs newman, did you hear what we said?
75509: [insert silence]
URLA: mrs newman? could you please confirm that you understand the implications of the information we’ve shared with you?
75509: aren’t vasectomies reversible?
URLA: not the kind your husband had.
75509: [insert loud, self-pitying weeping]
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#4
our ref: 62347
name of applicant: gertrude namisango (“89873”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 05 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: explain the rationale behind the specificity of your request.
89873: my reasons for wanting a boy are because of my current situation.
URLA: for record-keeping purposes, please restate your reasons.
89873: okay. as you already know, all my co-wives have boys. i don’t know what juju they used but that’s it! that’s the situation i’m in as of now. i’m the only wife of our husband who doesn’t have a boy, if you can even imagine it! in our culture, having a boy gives a woman power. a boy means she gets more love from her husband and her in-laws respect her more.
URLA: a few years ago, you were recorded stating that all children are blessings from god. do you no longer view daughters as blessings?
89873: okay, what i said that time, i said it before i got a husband. let me tell you, if you somehow don’t already know, that being single is different from being married. in your husband’s home, you find circumstances which you never dreamed of! hoooooh! me, as a person, i still believe that all children, whether boys or girls, are blessings from god. me as me, i don’t mind having another daughter. but i need a son! if i don’t get one, my husband might chase me out of the house and where will i stay after that? in my situation, a son is more of a blessing than a daughter but that doesn’t mean i don’t love my daughters equally. you get?
URLA: thank you for clarifying your position. it’s important for us to understand the contexts that shape every request we get. we appreciate your openness about the cultural considerations that influenced your decision to apply. we will take everything you’ve shared into account and contact you once we’ve reached a decision. we thank you for participating in this process.
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#5
our ref: 62348
name of applicant: dahlia mutesi (“39671”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 06 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: we appreciate you taking time off to join us today, dahlia.
39671: it’s no trouble at all. i’m glad to be here.
URLA: recognising the value of your time, we intend to be direct with our inquiries.
39671: that works for me. i’m all ears.
URLA: what makes you the best candidate for motherhood?
39671: thank you for that question. i believe that it’s important for each of us to leave behind a great legacy when we pass away.
URLA: and motherhood is the most effective way to ensure a great legacy?
39671: it’s the only way.
URLA: right. [insert chuckling] you’ve led what many would consider an average life. your appearance is unremarkable, your academic performance was consistently average, and your current employment is nothing to write home about. this doesn’t strike us as much of a legacy.
39671: thank you for that observation, but you’re mixing things. legacy is about more than extraordinary looks and achievements. to me, legacy is about the impact people have. by raising a child, i get to share the abundant love in my heart. though my life may appear ordinary to you, it has been rich in experiences and lessons that i’m eager to pass on.
URLA: in what ways do you envision your child making a positive impact?
39671: oh, i see her excelling in different fields! i see her as a miss uganda, chess grandmaster, neurosurgeon, and combat pilot rolled into one!
URLA: essentially, your aim is for your child to succeed at everything you failed to do?
39671: it’s not about that. it’s about giving my child the best possible start in life.
URLA: are you suggesting that your grandiose plans for your unborn daughter aren’t merely an extension of your own unrealized aspirations but rather a concerted effort to offer her opportunities you didn’t have?
39671: what i’m saying is that every child has the potential for greatness. my goal is to empower my child to become the best version of herself.
URLA: suppose your child chooses to pursue a career as a cobbler.
39671: if she chooses to be a cobbler, no problem, i’ll support her.
URLA: suppose we granted you permission for a male child instead, will you enter him into the miss uganda beauty pageant?
39671: my approach to raising a son will be the same as with a daughter. i will help him to develop his talents and become the best version of himself. who knows, he might become uganda’s next president!
URLA: suppose he became uganda’s most prolific serial killer.
39671: god forbid! we don’t have such genes in my family!
URLA: [insert chuckling] clearly you haven’t heard of genetic recombination.
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#6
our ref: 62349
name of applicant: janet naluwoza (“100001”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 07 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: what is your greatest strength?
100001: compassion.
URLA: what is your greatest weakness?
100001: at times, my compassion can be excessive, so much so that it’s no longer beneficial to me or others.
URLA: how do you think that weakness, the business of being overly compassionate, will affect your ability to mother?
100001: it will make me a better mother because it will enable me to tune into my child’s emotional needs.
URLA: how do you intend to balance your compassion with the need to teach your child about the importance of personal boundaries, particularly in situations where others don’t reciprocate?
100001: [silence]
URLA: would it be helpful if we rephrased the question?
100001: your question has made me realise that i’ve never thought about the importance of personal boundaries. it’s definitely an area that i’ll need to explore further.
URLA: your willingness to acknowledge areas for growth is refreshing. thank you for speaking to us. we wish you the best as you continue this journey.
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#7
our ref: 62350
name of applicant: janet akite (“19209”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 08 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: recall a situation in which you experienced a significant failure.
19209: fuck. i’ve been dreading this question.
URLA: does the thought of acknowledging failure unsettle you?
19209: what troubles me isn’t failure itself but admitting that i haven’t lived up to expectations.
URLA: in what aspects do you feel you haven’t met expectations?
19209: i haven’t answered the biblical call to be fruitful and multiply.
URLA: [insert chuckling] neither have you answered the biblical call to wear a head covering as a symbol of a man’s authority over you.
19209: falsehoods! there’s no such thing in the bible!
URLA: [insert laughter] the bible states that women ought to wear a head covering so they’ll be good role models to angels. apparently, angels learn how to interact with god by observing how women interact with men. by demonstrating their submission to men, as god’s designated authority, women teach angels how to submit to god.
19209: your grasp and interpretation of biblical teachings is misguided! i must take my leave now before i hear more blasphemies!
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
*
#8
our ref: 62351
name of applicant: tamasha kukundakwe (“92233”)
name of interviewer: uganda reproductive licensing authority (“URLA”)
date of interview: year 2072, cycle 08, day 09 – MRN standard time
[begin transcript 08:01:14:00]
URLA: a very good morning to you, ms kukundakwe. we hope this day finds you in good health and spirits.
92233: indeed, it does. thank you.
URLA: could you kindly introduce yourself, stating your full name and current profession?
92233: my name is tamasha kukundakwe. i’m a registered nurse.
URLA: your contributions to healthcare are truly valued.
92233: i owe my gratitude to the MRN for providing opportunities to contribute.
URLA: the dedication you’ve shown in your service is extraordinary!
92233: i strive to give my best.
URLA: you were a member of the MRN’s youth league as an undergraduate. you also authored a paper on the marxist roots of the MRN.
92233: my time with the youth league and my research into the MRN’s ideological transition were deeply enriching experiences.
URLA: considering your background, it seems unnecessary to inquire about your values and the ways in which they align with the MRN’s ideology.
92233: [insert laughter] indeed.
URLA: have you undergone the mandatory genetic screening?
92233: yes, i have. the results indicated a genetic predisposition to several health conditions, including boykin’s syndrome, jones’ disorder, engelmann’s anomaly, and davidson’s disease.
URLA: all serious ailments that ravaged entire communities in the past. it’s thanks to the MRN’s farsighted interventions that their impact has been mitigated.
92233: all credit goes to the MRN and its visionary leadership.
URLA: praise be to our visionary leader, whose name resonates like a melodious tune on the magnificent pillars of his reign! his wisdom blankets the globe!
92233: may his wisdom warm the hearts of all committed to a united and prosperous uganda!
URLA: amen!
92233: and amen!
URLA: that was uplifting, wasn’t it?
92233: indeed it was.
URLA: not to worry. the next few questions are procedural, a matter of routine.
92233: i’m not worried.
URLA: please recount an instance where you exhibited exceptional fortitude and moral courage.
92233: recently, a woman visited my clinic with an unusual request. she asked me to place a cannula into her left hand, despite showing no symptoms of any illness. she later revealed her intention to deceive her husband into believing she was ill. she hoped the sight of a canula attached to her would compel him to give her money. it was a heartbreaking situation – the thought of having to feign illness just so your husband will give you money to feed your children was deeply distressing – but i refused to participate in the woman’s deceit. despite her persistent pleading and visible emotional distress, i maintained my professionalism by declining to be a part of her scheme.
URLA: your ability to uphold professional integrity in the face of such intense emotional pressure is laudable! a true testament to your commitment!
92233: thank you for acknowledging that. it was certainly a challenging situation, and while my heart went out to that woman, i knew that compromising my ethics wasn’t the solution.
URLA: that’s a very insightful perspective on handling ethical dilemmas. we’re curious to hear your views on a related matter. from an ethical point of view, what are your thoughts on the MRN’s child-bearing regulations?
92233: i appreciate the role of the MRN’s regulations in creating a stable society. i wholeheartedly support the MRN’s efforts to encourage responsible and planned parenthood.
URLA: and your philosophy on child rearing?
92233: i advocate for instilling a sense of obedience and respect for authority from an early age.
URLA: how do you foresee your child contributing to our society?
92233: i aspire to raise a child who exemplifies MRN’s values of professionalism and service above self.
URLA: ms kukundakwe, thank you for your responses! we are pleased to inform you that you have been granted a permit to conceive and bear a child! congratulations!
[end transcript 08:33:47:92]
Davina Philomena Kawuma is a Ugandan writer based in Kampala. She writes poetry, fiction, and non-fiction. She prefers to think of herself as a scieartist, that is, someone who lives at the intersection between the arts and the sciences.
