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Okay, so here's a little anecdote for you all. Yesterday, I had the day off from work. I went to the grocery store, and came back with a few odds and ends. One being a box of Slim Fast. So I empty the box, put the cans in the fridge, and throw the box in the recycling bin in the garage. Fine, cool, whatever. Didn't have another thought about it. So I come home from work tonight (after a very long day) and turn on the light in my bedroom. There, on the floor in front of me...is the Slim Fast box I had thrown away over 24 hours ago. I'm a little irked, and kind of confused. Later on, I catch Ann roaming through the house, and I tell her this. She follows me back to my room, stands outside the door way and says "Give me that!" and then proceeds to go throw it...somewhere. No idea where. Doesn't matter. It was just...irksome, that Whorehay had so much vitriol, and put forth so much effort just to do something petty.

In addition to that, I've been getting a lot of "What do you want for Christmas this year?" questions. Mainly from a few friends. I really don't want anything. Okay, that's a lie. I don't want any of you getting me anything. Christmas is tight this year, for just about everyone. And this year more than any before, I am in no mood to celebrate. I'm working too hard, and I'm feeling too lonely to even want to care about any of it. The feeling that I don't belong anywhere, and don't have a place to call my own intensifies around the holidays for me. I haven't felt the same for a long time, for reasons I'm sure many of you can guess...and some you may not know. It's just...still difficult. There is also the monetary aspect of things, of course. I mean, business is down in a lot of places. Nonexistent here. I'm working my ass off, yet making next to nothing.

As for anything that I'd want for Christmas, of course the frivolous stuff, and the crap that I put on my Amazon wish list. But things like clothes, socks, shoes, shampoo, and things of that nature just seem more practical and more useful. Shit, a tank of gas would make me happy at this point. But really, I'd just like to feel as if I'm surrounded by people who actually like me. That's all I really ever want. Not just for Christmas, but for every day. Perhaps someday I'll be lucky enough to have that. :-P

Also...

I'm cold. I can't find my slippers. This irks me. Halp.

Dear AIM Express,

Please die in a fire and eat a bowl of dicks. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Everyone who has ever used your services.

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sleepy

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Rugmuncher.

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contemplative

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No one is perfect. It's so obvious, yet still strikes the majority of us as a mind-blowing conclusion. Think of it, really. Billions of people on the planet, and not a single one of us is perfect. The other astounding revelation is that we all make mistakes. Again, billions of us - more being born every day. We all make mistakes. And we are always looking for a scapegoat - always looking for someone else to blame. Mistakes are a part of life. The real problem here is that we do not stop and learn from them. Literally. Stop. Do it. Stop reading. Now start again. Think about the last time you fucked up. What did you learn from it? Now take that, and walk with it. Carry it with you, and file it in your brain. Next time, take a split second and remember it before you make the same mistake twice.

Now, for another thought.

Why do we judge others? Why, seriously? What good does it do me to look at another woman and think to myself "Her shoes are awful"? I firmly believe that every single second of every single day works toward defining and shaping who we ultimately become. That being said, do we ever really figure out who we are and what we stand for? And when those beliefs and ideals are tried, do we hold fast and stand up for what we believe we believe in? Maybe. Maybe not. It seems that no matter what, no matter if we do, in fact, compromise our system of belief, the pieces always seem to fall in to place at the end of it all.

I want to believe everything will be okay. I want to have this "faith" everyone keeps speaking so highly of. I really do. But I can't. I can't have faith in God, or my fellow human being. I feel abandoned. Not in the traditional sense of the word, but I feel desolate. Devoid of human interaction, really. For the last two weeks I've been sick, and no one will come anywhere near me. No hand shakes, no high fives, no hugs, no nothing. Maybe it's just getting to me. I feel like I could drop off the face of the planet and nobody would notice, sometimes. It's not always a bad feeling, but it has its days.

I know I've said this before, but I miss being a kid. I miss simplicity. I miss believing that somebody believes in me, and that maybe I won't fail.

If I've already failed myself, what do I have left? To pick up the pieces and carry on, I suppose.

I wish I had a time machine.

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It's been a while, kids. Still the same old stuff going on here. Work, work, and more work. No promotion yet. They hate me, and we all know it. I guess the big news is that I purchased a new computer. One day, one hour of sleep, one thousand dollars, two trips to Wal-Mart, a few botched parking jobs, and an attempted murder later - it's here in all its glory. Complete with Intel Core 2 Duo processor, 1GB of RAM, Windows Vista Home Premium, and a 19" LCD flat panel monitor. I like it, it's nice. I guess I'm still shitting a brick over the fact that I had money, and it was gone in less than twenty-four hours.

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Because you haven't killed yourself yet: MySpaceIM (TM)

Sorry, I thought I was clever.

I don't have much in the way of anything new going on right now. Same old shit, different day.

My mom took my car to get air in the tires today...well, yesterday as of a half an hour ago. Anyway, some guy pulled off the road into the car lot and died. Yeah.

I think my mom is starting to get suspicious of me. She keeps telling me that she saw some guy at that's my age, and cute. I keep telling her it isn't gonna happen.

Last night we went to Steak & Shake. Little did I know, she had invited some questionable co-worker of hers who told her she thought I was pretty. Weird. \

As far as work goes, as a company we were down 1.5 million dollars in January. Dan Nowlin says we all owe Valerio 1.5 million dollars. Fuck Valerio. He needs to bring the customers. As far as my potential promotion goes, I don't know. It's me and this other girl Nicole. Nicole works for the outlet in Ellenton, and she's the assistant manager. She's been with the company five months, and according to the associate at the store, she's not nice and has a bad attitude - and none of the Macy's staff like her. I've been with the company ten months, have worked in that store, and run one virtually identical. I took the ridiculous SHADE survery that the district manager asked me to tonight. She'll be in our mall later this month to oversee the new kiosk and presumably to conduct an interview. Ashley, the associate at that store is very unhappy with Nicole helping out at the store, and is threatening to quit if she becomes manager. I don't know Nicole, so I can't pass judgement on her.

A couple of the girls at Macy's and I were talking the other night, and I realized that there is so much more pain and hurt around all of us than we realize, and that we all hide it too well. We were just going down the list of shitty things and it was astounding. Death, physical abuse, verbal abuse, poverty, misery, etc. We each had some major dysfunctions, but we all seem content for the moment. I can say for myself that the only things I would change in my life are my financial status, and living arrangement.

Anyway, I've totally lost my train of thought. I need to get in the shower and get to bed, since I have to get up early.

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So, there's not much new in my life. My store manager decided not to "leave" as of yet, which means no promotion for me in the immediate future. I'm quite upset since they did pretty much everything short of promising me the job. It's not anybody's fault, really. I don't know why the old bat decided to stay longer, but she did. Anyway, I guess I'm just hostile because I'm already doing her job. All of the visual merchandising, all of the handling of store supplies, all of the necessary paperwork, and all of the business reports for the month. It's just aggravating, that's all.

In other news...well, there is no other news.

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tired

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Not much to say, just felt like stopping the blinking on this window.

Nothing new. I'm tired. I stayed for an extra three hours at work today. Off the clock. Cleaning, organizing, etc. It needed to be done, and I'm glad everything is in working order for the most part. All I have left to do is to check my merchandising and then I won't have anything left to do because I'm perfect. Everyone knows that.

I'm tired, kids. I might pass out for a cat nap, and then resume rotting my brain with television. I need some new books!